1
00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:03,037
Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...

2
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Has he said anything at all?

3
00:00:04,405 --> 00:00:06,207
CAROL: Not yet.
We have to call him something.

4
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Uh, Jasper,
Jasper!

5
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:09,243
I don't know what
I'm doing wrong.

6
00:00:09,277 --> 00:00:11,379
I mean, I'm bending over
backwards for this kid.

7
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Pulling out all the stops.

8
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MELISSA:
Carol,

9
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you're pregnant.

10
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What are you up to?

11
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Uh, just going to give
Melissa her medication.

12
00:00:18,586 --> 00:00:20,621
Apparently, it takes
a few weeks to see results.

13
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(buzzing)

14
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What's with
all the amps?

15
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Shh!

16
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(whispering):
I'm trying to listen.

17
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:38,839
Listen to what?

18
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Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!

19
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Listen to Jasper.

20
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What's that?

21
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I slapped one of these
bad boys on him.

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Oh, you got to see him, he
looks just like Britney Spears,

23
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and that's a major compliment

24
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'cause I always found her
very attractive.

25
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I mean, not that I'm
attracted to Jasper.

26
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Okay, this is all coming out
very wrong.

27
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:00,194
So you're spying on him.

28
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I mean, he still hasn't talked,

29
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so I'm just trying to
figure out if he talks

30
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when we're not around.

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MAN: Do you have something
broken in here?

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Oh, my God,
oh, my God!

33
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'Cause I'm a repairman.

34
00:01:09,837 --> 00:01:12,106
Deep baritone on that kid.
MAN: Let me bring out my tool.

35
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Tandy, I don't
think that's Ja...
(shushes)

36
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Where exactly is the problem?

37
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WOMAN:
Right in here.

38
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Wait, who's that woman?

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(funky music plays)

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What the hell?

41
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Oh, no, Jasper,

42
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that's not for you.

43
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Tandy, Jasper got into your
self-pleasuring library.

44
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Oh...

45
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Ah, yeah, no, I know
this one very well, yeah.

46
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The repairman is there
to fix a clogged pipe,

47
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and then gets sidetracked
and, you know,

48
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winds up doing some sexual
stuff with his customer.
Tandy!

49
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:47,074
Aah!
Oh, sorry, you're
right, spoiler.

50
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,176
(stammering):
Uh, no,

51
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:50,010
uh, Jasper, this
is for adults.

52
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You understand?

53
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:52,112
(funky music resumes)

54
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(crickets chirping)

55
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Hey, bud.

56
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,595
(chuckles)

57
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Looking at the stars, huh?

58
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Look at that.
Did you see that?

59
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A shooting star.

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That means that you
get to make a wish.

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You know what
my wish is?

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That I could take back
those things you saw

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in that sensual video.

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Now, I can't do that,

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but I can make this
a teachable moment.

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Follow me.

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Take a frog.

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What we're doing now is having

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what's called
"the birds and the bees" talk.

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Okay?

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So, why birds and bees?

72
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Well, 'cause they're
famously known as

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the horniest
of the flight animals.

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You following
me so far?

75
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Okay, well,

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here's where it gets a little
funky and a little cool.

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So the bird takes his,
uh, "mm"

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and, uh, uh,
puts it in

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the bee's "hmm."

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Know what I'm saying? Yeah.

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And so anyway, they
just keep them in there

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and they just
move them around, uh,

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for what's usually a very,
very short period of time.

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Right?

85
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And, uh, that's the birds
and bees talk. Yeah.

86
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(chuckles) God, thought
it'd be harder than that.

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Well-- but, hey,
that's what the bee said.

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(laughs)
Boom.

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Melissa, would you mind
wandering around like a zombie

90
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somewhere else, please?

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Yeah, Jasper and I

92
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are having the, uh... talk.

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Hey, don't be scared,

94
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she's not a zombie.

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Oh, you probably don't even
know what a zombie is.

96
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Well... you know
when someone dies?

97
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Well, a zombie

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is a corpse that
comes back to life.

99
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And they're terrifying.

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I mean, they have an insatiable
appetite for human flesh,

101
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and they just keep coming
after you and after you,

102
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till they get you

103
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And they're so fast.
(chuckles)

104
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Oh, my God.
TODD: Oh, there you are, hon.

105
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Cannibals are...

106
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Melissa...
Todd?

107
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Huh?
Could you please get
Melissa out of here?

108
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She's really freaking
Jasper out.

109
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I'm sorry, buddy. Here, hon,
it's time for your medication.

110
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She's kind of in a foggy stage.

111
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I've been having to guess
on her dosage.

112
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I'm not exactly sure
how much to give her, so...

113
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Less maybe?

114
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Yeah.

115
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But maybe more, though.

116
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That's kind of where I'm at.

117
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Hey, bud.

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Come on. Oh.

119
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(chuckles)

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GAIL:
Aw, look at this.

121
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He is a great little artist.

122
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I thought it was important
he have all his stuff here.

123
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Make him feel more comfortable.

124
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Whoa, baby bump alert.

125
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Yeah.

126
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Looks more like a
beer belly alert.

127
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GAIL:
Hush.

128
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You look fantastic.

129
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Baby bump, huh?

130
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Yeah, it's crazy.

131
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I actually popped a button
on my pants yesterday.

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Ah!
(laughs)

133
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Funny, this
button-popping story.

134
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I don't recall you
wearing pants yesterday...

135
00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:47,688
Well, that's 'cause I popped
a button on them.

136
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Uh-huh.

137
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Can I see these pants?

138
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Carol, what do you want
with her mother-grabbin' pants?

139
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She just told this intense story

140
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:58,832
of a button blasting off
the front of her jeans,

141
00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:01,602
even though her belly pretty
much looks the same to me.

142
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,637
So I'm just wondering
where these magical,

143
00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:05,439
button-popping pants are?

144
00:05:05,473 --> 00:05:07,040
Are they in
Al Capone's vault,

145
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:09,843
or talking to
a Sasquatch and a yeti

146
00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:12,680
at the bottom of
the Loch Ness lake?

147
00:05:12,713 --> 00:05:14,382
(laughs)

148
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:16,283
I can show you the pants, Carol.

149
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,851
It's fine, I don't want
to see them.

150
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:20,187
But, yeah, happy for you.

151
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,656
And your bump.

152
00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:23,924
Oh, boy.

153
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,629
I'm starting to wonder
if he's ever gonna talk.

154
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,030
Maybe it's neurological.

155
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:31,064
GAIL: No, I know
he understands us.

156
00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:33,567
I've seen him
roll his eyes at Tandy

157
00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:35,469
enough times to know that.

158
00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:37,538
Yeah, the eye roll
is a classic sign of respect.

159
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:40,741
I just don't understand
not talking.

160
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:44,812
Whenever I have the urge
to not talk, I talk about it.

161
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:45,813
Witness.

162
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:46,914
I mean, I totally get it.

163
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:48,148
I mean, think about
what he's been through.

164
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:49,483
You know, his parents died,

165
00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:51,552
he's been on his own since
he was like four or five.

166
00:05:51,585 --> 00:05:53,687
I know, he's been robbed
of his whole childhood.

167
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,089
Missed all those birthdays,

168
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:57,425
all those Christmases,

169
00:05:57,458 --> 00:05:58,826
all those Halloweens.

170
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,528
He was so young when
the virus hit, I mean,

171
00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:02,362
he might not even know what
any of those holidays are.

172
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:03,831
Poor little guy.

173
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,499
I have an idea.

174
00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:09,102
Why don't we throw
a big party for Jasper?

175
00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:10,671
Like a birthday party?

176
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,740
Oh, I'm talking birthday,

177
00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:16,844
Christmas, Easter,
Halloween, Kwanzaa,

178
00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,612
Flag Day, Toyotathon,

179
00:06:18,646 --> 00:06:20,748
like, every joyous
occasion you've ever had

180
00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:24,017
just rolled into one
festive smorgasbord.

181
00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:25,218
That's a great idea.

182
00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:27,354
We give him a chance to be
a friggin' kid for once.

183
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,289
I love it.
You guys, you know, I think

184
00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:30,791
this'll be really good
for Melissa, too.

185
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,227
TODD:
Hey! No, no.

186
00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:36,730
No, no, no. No, those don't go
in there, hon.

187
00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:39,600
Those don't go in there.

188
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:42,436
It's okay,
they just don't go in there.

189
00:06:42,470 --> 00:06:43,637
ERICA:
Okay.

190
00:06:43,671 --> 00:06:44,705
Let's start planning.

191
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,507
Yeah.
Okay.

192
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:50,611
Hey, bud, can I talk
to you for a sec?

193
00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:51,979
Sure, yeah, what's up, bud?

194
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:53,280
Well, it's about the party.

195
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:54,915
You know,
I think it might be best

196
00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:56,650
if Melissa sits this one out.

197
00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:57,785
She's doing way better.

198
00:06:57,818 --> 00:06:59,386
I mean, she doesn't need
her drool towel anymore.

199
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,288
You know, stools are
way less tarry.

200
00:07:01,321 --> 00:07:02,289
Aren't they, Melissa?

201
00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:03,323
Hmm?

202
00:07:03,356 --> 00:07:04,291
Your stools.

203
00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:06,927
Yep.
Yeah, see?

204
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,229
Real happy to hear
those are firming up for her,

205
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:10,964
but this party's about Jasper,

206
00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:12,900
and I just don't think
he's feeling very comfortable

207
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:13,967
around her right now.

208
00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:16,269
Oh, so hide the weirdo, huh?

209
00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:18,338
Is that what you're saying?
Exactly.

210
00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:20,340
You know what? Just, uh,
enjoy planning your party.

211
00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:22,476
I'll just go tell Melissa
she can go to hell.

212
00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:24,377
Oh, thanks, bud.
(chuckles)

213
00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:27,214
Ridiculous.

214
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,493
Oh, hey, don't
worry about her,

215
00:07:39,527 --> 00:07:40,761
she's not
gonna hurt you.

216
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,162
Here, come on
down from there.

217
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,430
Hey, what's going on?

218
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,933
Jasper's petrified
of Melissa.

219
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:47,768
Yeah-- uh, I got this,
don't worry about it.

220
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,538
Hey, bud, don't be
afraid of her, okay?

221
00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:52,039
She's just playing
make-believe.

222
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:53,941
Uh, she's rehearsing
for the title role

223
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:57,110
in a stage production of
The Exorcism of Emily Rose.

224
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,178
Oh, come on, Tandy.

225
00:07:58,211 --> 00:07:59,312
Oh, that isn't cool, yeah,

226
00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:00,981
he doesn't know
what an exorcism is.

227
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:03,316
An exorcism is when a demon
takes over a person's body

228
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,952
and just makes them
do terrible things.

229
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,054
Okay, I got to say
something here.

230
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:08,689
I think it's wrong to keep
Jasper away from Melissa.

231
00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:09,957
How is he ever

232
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,058
gonna get comfortable around her

233
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,526
if you won't let him
get to know her?

234
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:13,661
I will.

235
00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:14,728
Look, right now,

236
00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:16,530
he just needs to get
over that comfort hump,

237
00:08:16,564 --> 00:08:18,666
then we can totally throw
Melissa into the mix.

238
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:20,133
All right, okay.

239
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,234
Okay, bye, Todd.

240
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:22,570
Bye, Emily Rose.

241
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:24,037
Uh, sorry, Melissa.

242
00:08:24,071 --> 00:08:26,707
Jasper? Ah, man.

243
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:28,909
Jasper?

244
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:31,712
Ridiculous.

245
00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:33,146
CAROL:
There it is, there it is.

246
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,182
GAIL:
All right.

247
00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:39,486
Ah, shoot, I left
my gun in the car.

248
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,589
Be right back.

249
00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:46,226
Oh, geez.

250
00:08:46,259 --> 00:08:48,829
What's this down here again?
(chuckles)

251
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,231
Lost a few buttons
down there, I see.

252
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:53,200
You think?
(chuckles)

253
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:54,935
Ever since you mentioned
your button popping off,

254
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:55,969
it's been crazy.

255
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,672
Lost 16 yesterday.

256
00:08:58,706 --> 00:09:01,074
Ah, you're really
having a time there.

257
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:02,710
Tell me about it.

258
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:05,512
It's like a sharknado
but with buttons.

259
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,447
Yeah, you be careful.

260
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,549
Aw, what can I say?
It's the life we've chosen.

261
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:12,085
Preggers can't be choosers.
Yeah.

262
00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:14,387
Ooh, whoa.
Whoa!

263
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:22,362
Couldn't find my gun,
so I used the car.

264
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,131
Well, you just saw.

265
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,701
ERICA:
Oh, this is great.

266
00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:28,836
CAROL:
Yeah.

267
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,873
TODD:
How's this place for a picnic?

268
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:34,441
Okay,

269
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:36,309
let's see what we have here.

270
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:41,214
Hey, this isn't what I packed.

271
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:44,484
This basket is filled
with toys and treats.

272
00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:46,820
Melissa, did you
empty this basket

273
00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:50,423
and fill it with toys and treats
for Jasper?

274
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:51,324
No.

275
00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:53,593
(laughs)
I'm not mad.

276
00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:57,264
You have a fun-loving spirit.
You're accessible.

277
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:00,567
Hey, Jasper!

278
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,269
You want some
of these toys and treats

279
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:03,971
that Melissa
brought for you?

280
00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:09,076
Well, they're over here
if you change your mind.

281
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:12,312
Oh, my God!
A water gun?

282
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:13,914
I'm gonna get you.

283
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,315
(laughs)

284
00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:22,255
Well, well, well.

285
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,457
What's going on here?

286
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:28,595
I-- I was just, uh,
having a picnic with Melissa.

287
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,630
Oh, that's weird.

288
00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:33,100
Don't think I ever remember
you having a picnic before.

289
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,935
No, yeah,
I have picnics all the time.

290
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,336
Oh, you do? All the time?

291
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:38,538
All the time,
having picnics all the time.

292
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:40,874
(chuckles)

293
00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:42,475
Why don't you name 20 picnics
you've had before.

294
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:43,510
Come on. Now.

295
00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:45,545
Uh, t-t-today. Okay?

296
00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:47,280
Yeah, that's one. One picnic.

297
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,949
In-in Malibu.
I had one on the beach.

298
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,684
That's two. 18 more, come on.

299
00:10:50,718 --> 00:10:52,485
Uh, uh...
Come on!

300
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,621
Name 18 more picnics, Todd! Now!

301
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:56,289
I can't think of any! Okay?

302
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:58,558
No, you can't.
'Cause you're lying about

303
00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:00,527
your affinity for picnics,
Todd, aren't you?

304
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:01,829
Well, excuse me

305
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:03,496
for trying
to establish a connection

306
00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:04,965
between Jasper and Melissa.

307
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,199
You're not excused.

308
00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:08,035
I just know that
once he gets to know her,

309
00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:09,469
he'll see how awesome she is.

310
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:12,172
Oh, so that makes it okay to
lie about a friggin' picnic!

311
00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:14,041
Well, I'm not the only one
who's lying, am I?

312
00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:15,809
That's different
and you know it.

313
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:18,578
I'm just trying to protect
my son and give him the nice,

314
00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:20,013
safe party that
he deserves.
TODD: Yeah, well,

315
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:21,214
you know what,
don't worry because

316
00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:23,150
Melissa and I won't be
at your stupid party.

317
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:26,486
Todd, look,
it's okay if you come.

318
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:27,821
Oh, really?
What day is it again?

319
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,356
Oh, it's tonight.
I'm busy.

320
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,259
Fine.
Fine.

321
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:33,526
Fine.

322
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:35,228
You having fun, Jasper?

323
00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:52,379
(air horn blows)

324
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:25,245
Ho-ho-ho, gobble-gobble,
Shabbat shalom, boo!

325
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:27,981
I'm Rabbi-Jack-O-
Thanks-Bunny-Claus.

326
00:12:28,015 --> 00:12:29,282
(giggles)

327
00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:32,319
And I'm Lady
Liberty-Patrick-Cupid-Claus.

328
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:33,486
And tonight's

329
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,155
your night, bro.

330
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:36,123
Behold!

331
00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:38,258
("Get Ready for This" playing)

332
00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:41,995
* Y'all ready for this? *

333
00:12:42,029 --> 00:12:43,931
*

334
00:12:49,702 --> 00:12:50,804
Jasper,

335
00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:52,105
welcome to a taste

336
00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,740
of every major holiday

337
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:57,010
rolled into one
magical experience.

338
00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:58,678
Over the next
four days...

339
00:12:58,711 --> 00:12:59,813
Four days?

340
00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:00,848
...we are going
to overwhelm

341
00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:03,750
the pleasure centers
of your brain,

342
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,685
tantalizing you with one magical

343
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:07,687
holiday
after another,

344
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,190
and pushing you
to your celebratory brink.

345
00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:11,758
Four freakin' days?

346
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,260
Let's get started.

347
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:17,197
We thought we'd ease you in
with a little gateway holiday.

348
00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:18,198
Y'all ready

349
00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:19,766
for Arbor Day?
* Da-na-na *

350
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,768
* Dun-dun,
dun-dun-na, dun-na *

351
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,203
* Dun-dun, dun-dun *

352
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,371
* Dun-da-dun,
da-dun, dun-na *

353
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:26,273
Pine!
* Dun-da-dun, da-dun, dun-na *

354
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,208
Conifer!
* Dun-da-dun, da-dun, dun-na *

355
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:29,843
Spruce!
* Dun-da-dun, da-dun, dun-na *

356
00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:30,878
Deciduous!

357
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:33,280
Arbor Day!

358
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:34,447
(both laugh)

359
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,183
* Hitting off licks
in the bando *

360
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:37,784
* Black X6, Phantom *

361
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:38,986
* White X6, look like a panda *

362
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:40,954
* Goin' out like I'm Montana *

363
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,222
* Hundred killers,
hundred hammers *

364
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:43,891
* Black X6, Phantom *

365
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,725
* White X6, panda *

366
00:13:45,758 --> 00:13:47,861
* Pockets swole, Danny... *
(laughter and cheering)

367
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:49,296
Ridiculous.

368
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:50,463
* Man, I'm the macho
like Randy *

369
00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,299
* The chopper go Oscar
for Grammy *

370
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:53,901
* Pull up ya panty *

371
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:56,636
* Hope you killers
understand me... *

372
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,305
* Dun-da-dun, da-dun, dun-na *
Fireworks!

373
00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,307
* Dun-da-dun, da-dun, dun-na *
Hot dogs!

374
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:01,208
* Dun-da-dun,
da-dun, dun-na *

375
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:03,043
Separation of Powers.

376
00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:04,377
* Dun-da-dun,
da-dun, dun-na *

377
00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:05,412
Tandy.

378
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:07,180
* And the home *

379
00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:09,549
* Of the *

380
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:13,486
* Brave. *

381
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:14,821
(whispering):
Yes.

382
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,156
And that's the Fourth of July.

383
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,390
Now if you'll
just hop

384
00:14:17,424 --> 00:14:20,660
over here-- spoiler.

385
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:22,429
'Cause there's more!

386
00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:24,664
And here to take you
through this one

387
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,434
is someone very special.

388
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:32,172
Um, someone very special.

389
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,274
(chuckles)

390
00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:35,675
Gail!

391
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:39,012
Hey, I was putting
on my friggin' ears.

392
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:40,247
Oh, my God.

393
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,515
It's the Easter Bunny.

394
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:45,452
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny.
Nibble, nibble.

395
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:50,523
Easter Bunny, don't you have
anything else to say?

396
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,392
Nibble.

397
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,363
* Dun-da-dun, da-dun, dun-na *

398
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,965
Egg hunts!
* Dun-da-dun, da-dun, dun-na *

399
00:14:57,998 --> 00:14:59,266
Resurrection!

400
00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:02,869
Hey, we're trying to
watch a movie in here!

401
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:05,205
SEAN PENN (over TV):
To be free!

402
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:06,706
(volume increases)

403
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:09,376
In the Declaration
of Independence, it is written:

404
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:13,380
all men are created equal

405
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:18,952
and endowed with certain
inalienable rights!

406
00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:21,821
That is where America is!

407
00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:23,456
Love it or leave it!

408
00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:26,659
You better love it
or you better leave it.

409
00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:34,834
You take this stick and you hit
it, and candy flies out of it.

410
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:36,569
Okay. You're good to
go for Mardi Gras.

411
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:37,737
All right.

412
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:40,307
When in doubt,
just douse him with beads.

413
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:41,341
Okay, thanks.

414
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:42,475
What do you have next?

415
00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:43,576
Labor Day.

416
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,145
Oh, that's kind of a tough one.

417
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:47,080
Why would you say that?

418
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:50,583
I mean, there's just not much
going on there.

419
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:51,851
Yeah.

420
00:15:51,884 --> 00:15:54,254
You and Gail have made that
abundantly clear.

421
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:55,755
Excuse me?

422
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,825
What would me and my flat belly
know about Labor Day, right?

423
00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:02,029
Meanwhile you're over there
laughing it up on Fat Tuesday

424
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:04,497
with your pulchritudinous
belly bump.

425
00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:08,001
Carol, I got pregnant
a few weeks before you.

426
00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:11,004
How can you be jealous
that my baby bump came first?

427
00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:13,440
I'm not jealous
that your baby bump came first.

428
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,008
Then what the hell's
your problem?

429
00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:18,045
I'm jealous that your baby bump
came at all.

430
00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:20,447
Oh.

431
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,015
I'm just really scared.

432
00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:24,317
I mean, what if my bump
never comes?

433
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:28,121
I haven't had
any pregnancy symptoms.

434
00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:29,822
What if the test was off?

435
00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:31,791
What if something's
really wrong?

436
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:34,027
Oh, Carol, you're fine.

437
00:16:34,061 --> 00:16:37,664
But you don't really
know that for sure, do you?

438
00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:40,900
So the homeowner
then opens the door,

439
00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:44,137
he sees the bag burning,
he stomps on it,

440
00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:46,139
and his foot gets just
covered in dog poop.

441
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:48,241
Now, since all dogs
are dead now,

442
00:16:48,275 --> 00:16:49,976
instead of dog poop,
I used my own.

443
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,211
TODD (slurring):
Trick or treat!

444
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:53,813
Smell my feet,
give us something good to eat!

445
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:54,981
(whoops)

446
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,849
(laughs)

447
00:16:56,883 --> 00:16:58,385
What are you doing here?

448
00:16:58,418 --> 00:17:01,554
Melissa and I, we're,
we're trick-or-treating, bud.

449
00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:05,658
We're dressed like two nice
people who belong at parties!

450
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,727
Look, I thought
we talked about this, bud.

451
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,163
You know what?
I've met guys like you before.

452
00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:13,600
Mr., uh, Velvet Rope. Mr. Party.

453
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,068
With your little clipboard
looking down,

454
00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:17,003
"Let's see,
are you on the guest list?"

455
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:19,506
You know how many clubs
I stood outside of

456
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,741
'cause I wasn't on the list?

457
00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:24,844
Barrage, Mosaic,

458
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,046
Jericho, Rain,

459
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:30,250
uh, JP Looneys,
Charlie Fitzwhiskey's.

460
00:17:30,283 --> 00:17:32,352
All of the hot Baltimore clubs.

461
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:33,953
They all spat in my face.

462
00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:35,021
That's cool.

463
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,589
'Cause I'll tell
you what, bud.

464
00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:39,126
I refuse to let you
or anybody else

465
00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:41,861
keep me outside
of your phony velvet rope.

466
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:44,030
(chuckles)
Hey, Jasper,

467
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,265
you remember how I said
that Melissa

468
00:17:45,298 --> 00:17:46,366
was rehearsing for a role?

469
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,968
Well, Todd is helping her out

470
00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:52,439
by playing an over-the-top,
drunken buffoon.

471
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:54,374
Oh, come on, Tandy,
stop it with the lies, okay?

472
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,609
This kid-- Jasper,
you deserve the truth.

473
00:17:56,643 --> 00:17:58,445
Melissa's sick.
That's the truth.

474
00:17:58,478 --> 00:18:00,480
And I'm legitimately drunk,
bud...

475
00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:01,481
Todd.

476
00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:02,549
None of this is real.

477
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:03,950
Everybody knows it. Everybody.

478
00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:05,385
Oh, that's it.
Get the hell out of here.

479
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:06,386
You make me.

480
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:07,554
You make me get out.

481
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:08,888
Oh, you want to go?

482
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,723
I thought you'd never ask.

483
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:11,958
Oh, so you do want to go?

484
00:18:11,991 --> 00:18:14,060
I'd love to go. The question is:
do you want to go?

485
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,795
I was the one
who proposed it, Todd.

486
00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:16,829
You want to go?

487
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:18,064
I just freaking confirmed it.

488
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,232
I do want to go.

489
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:20,900
Then let's go outside and go.

490
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,068
Then let's go, go.

491
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,603
Let's go!

492
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:25,638
Are they gonna go?
I think they went.

493
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:30,410
Come on!
Oh, I'm coming on!

494
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,345
Bring it bud.
Yeah, I will bring it!

495
00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:33,746
How about right here?

496
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:34,814
Not afraid of you!

497
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,683
CAROL: Stop it!
Push me a-frigging-gain.

498
00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:37,850
Tandy, stop it!

499
00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:39,286
No, I can't do that, Carol.

500
00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:41,254
I made a verbal commitment
to do this.

501
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:42,922
Then you stop it, Todd.

502
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:44,924
I'm part of that commitment,
Erica!

503
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:46,859
You both should be committed.

504
00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:48,127
This guy ruined a kid's party!

505
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:49,429
And probably his life.

506
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:50,597
You're a bigot!

507
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,832
Or am I a hero?
Y'all fight like a couple

508
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:55,168
of straight-up chumps.

509
00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:57,003
Hey, Tandy, soup's on. Huh?

510
00:18:57,036 --> 00:18:58,004
Tonight's special:

511
00:18:58,037 --> 00:19:00,273
cream of your face.

512
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:04,844
Oh, really? 'Cause I heard
it was Todd-mato soup! Burn.

513
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:06,379
That sucked, dude.

514
00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:08,114
Oh, take that back.
Make me!

515
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,516
You don't want to know
what's gonna happen
Come on!

516
00:19:09,549 --> 00:19:10,950
if you don't take
that back right now!
Let me see!

517
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,952
Take it back!
I want to see! Come on!

518
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,787
(screams)

519
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,556
(shouts)
Stop it!

520
00:19:16,589 --> 00:19:17,690
(screaming)

521
00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:19,125
Party's over!
Say good night, bud!

522
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,360
No! No!

523
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:22,395
Stop this insanity!

524
00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:24,797
(siren whooping)

525
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,733
What the hell?

526
00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:38,745
(whooping continues)

527
00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:48,488
Oh, my God.

528
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:51,190
(Jasper and Melissa laughing)

529
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:55,562
Todd, he's laughing.

530
00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:57,564
Yeah. Look at 'em.

531
00:19:57,597 --> 00:20:00,267
(laughter continues)

532
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:03,403
It's been a while
since I've seen her smile.

533
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,674
I'm sorry, bud.

534
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,842
Guess I over-cranked
a little bit.

535
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,344
I totally get it.

536
00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:13,680
You were just trying
to protect Jasper.

537
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:17,684
I'm sorry
for busting up your party.

538
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,587
I guess whiskey and Milk
don't mix.

539
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,455
You're drinking whiskey
and milk?

540
00:20:22,489 --> 00:20:24,757
No, I drank whiskey and
watched the movie Milk.

541
00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:26,192
Ah.

542
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:28,695
Hey, get in here,
ya friggin' fartface.

543
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,196
(chuckling)

544
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,131
What were we doing?
I don't know.

545
00:20:32,164 --> 00:20:34,634
Look, it's a shooting star.

546
00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:37,937
Oh, it's a big one.

547
00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:39,171
ERICA:
Wow.

548
00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:45,211
Make a wish, dummies.

549
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:48,615
*

550
00:20:57,023 --> 00:20:58,525
(crickets chirping)

551
00:21:35,995 --> 00:21:37,464
CHILDREN:
Uncle Stinky.

552
00:21:37,497 --> 00:21:38,965
(horn honking)

553
00:21:38,998 --> 00:21:41,000
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH