1
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Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...

2
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This is for her own safety.

3
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We don't know what we're doing.

4
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We're not doctors.

5
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Has anybody seen my mom?

6
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Come find me!

7
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(bullet ricochets)
(Gail groans)

8
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I've only flown
in a simulator.

9
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You got to take
that leap one day.

10
00:00:15,083 --> 00:00:16,250
LEWIS:
Okay, I'm gonna do it.

11
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(all cheering)
(Carol screams)

12
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TANDY: I created something
to honor Lewis

13
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and help us see the light.

14
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(light groan)

15
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Hey, look who's back.
(chuckles)

16
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Went pretty hard
up in Napa, huh?

17
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Looks like someone
needs a vacation

18
00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:06,634
after a vacation,
am I right?

19
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JK, you look great.

20
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Everyone's in the common room.
I'll be right up.

21
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Oh, good God, Gail!

22
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(shouts)

23
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I told you she wasn't
the "D" word.

24
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You're back! Hi.

25
00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:24,985
Oh, Gail. Ugh,
you smell like

26
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the inside of an
unwashed sock puppet.

27
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Must have been
quite the bender, huh?

28
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CAROL: Looks like you got
some wine on your leg there.

29
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Someone needs to go back
to drinking school.

30
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It's supposed to go
in your mouth, Gail.

31
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Look what the cat dragged in.

32
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Nice of you
to finally join us, Gail.

33
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This whole place
has fallen apart.

34
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You decide to go party down
on your own.

35
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Ridiculous.

36
00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:45,773
Hey, I think she's trying
to say something.

37
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Wa...

38
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(shouts)
Oh, geez.

39
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Gail?

40
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Wine. She needs wine!

41
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ERICA: Maybe we should
elevate her head.

42
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No, no, we need
to leave her neck unkinked

43
00:02:01,689 --> 00:02:03,023
for maximum air flow.

44
00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:04,592
Okay, here, Gail.
This should help.

45
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:07,461
Here we go.
Yes.

46
00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:09,497
Oh, what did you give her?

47
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It's a Sex on the Beach.

48
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Here, force it down.
Hair of the dog.

49
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Hair of the dog.
I'm not hungover, you idiot.

50
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I have been trapped

51
00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:19,540
in an elevator and
I've got a friggin'...

52
00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:21,175
bullet hole in my leg.

53
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Whoa. Wait, who shot you?

54
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CAROL: Whoa.
ERICA: What?

55
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I did.

56
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It's always the person
you least expect.

57
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I was just...
trying to get some alone time.

58
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Because I bugged you so much?

59
00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:35,323
(sighs)
No, no.

60
00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:36,390
Well, yes,

61
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but no.

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I just needed some space,

63
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and so I was heading up
to the roof next door

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when I got trapped because
the damn power went out.

65
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I was in there for, like,

66
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ten days.
Oh.

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And I kept

68
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shooting off bullets,
but I guess nobody heard me.

69
00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:54,375
And then

70
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I got zipped by a ricochet
and I just...

71
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Mm.

72
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...I started fading.

73
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I said a prayer, and, um,

74
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loaded up my last bullet
and thought that was it.

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God, Gail, that's awful.

76
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Ten days?

77
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What did you do for your...
you know...

78
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private business?

79
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Tandy.
Tandy.

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What? It's a valid question.
It's...

81
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Mini fridge.

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Ew.
Go on.

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It really was hell on Earth.

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I just... thought for sure
I was gonna die in there.

85
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And then...

86
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by the grace of God,
the power came back on.

87
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Oh, uh, that was me... and God.

88
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You know, uh,
God working through me.

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Standard, uh, vessel situation,
you know, but, uh, bottom line,

90
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yes, I, uh, turned
the power back on. Yeah.

91
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Oh, my God.

92
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I thought I was never gonna see
your idiot face again.

93
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Get in here, you dumb turd.

94
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One dumb turd coming in hot.
(laughs)

95
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Come on.
Oh, get in here, all y'all.

96
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Oh.
Gail.
Oh, my God.

97
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Hey.
We're so glad
you're back.

98
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:03,110
Thank you, and
where's the others?

99
00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:04,678
Where's Lewis?

100
00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:07,815
(whispering):
I'll take this.

101
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:12,420
Gail, uh... got something
we have to tell you about Lewis.

102
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(inhales deeply)
Lewis, uh...

103
00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:17,991
is great.

104
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He just got
into CrossFit and P90X.

105
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Uh, he's super into
muscle confusion.

106
00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:23,897
H-He's not confused
about it or f...

107
00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:26,567
he's just focused and-and vital

108
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:27,968
and feeling...
How'd he die?

109
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Peacefully.

110
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Minor plane crash.

111
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,841
And how about Melissa?

112
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So, you just locked her up
in there?

113
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We had no other choice.
She was a danger to herself.

114
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Well, I know exactly
what she's going through.

115
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Trapped in a box. Poor thing.

116
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You know what, Gail,
you need your rest.

117
00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:53,661
Why don't we roll you into an
elevator and get you upstairs?

118
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Uh, I am not getting
in no damn elevator.

119
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Oh, 'cause you just
got stuck in one?

120
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TANDY:
Gail, you know,

121
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we live on this floor.

122
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Wh-Why don't you
come stay with us

123
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until you feel better?

124
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Oh, it might be nice

125
00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:05,373
to have someone
look after me for a while.

126
00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:06,707
So, thanks.

127
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:07,775
Okay.
Mm-hmm.

128
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Let me get you here.

129
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CAROL:
Okay, take your time.

130
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(grunts)
Okay.

131
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There you go.

132
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GAIL:
What's all this?

133
00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:23,691
Oh, oh, that's nothing.

134
00:05:23,724 --> 00:05:25,559
Let me just get that
stuff out of your way.

135
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Ah.

136
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,329
You gave me the friggin'
googly-eye treatment.

137
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I was angry at the time.
I'm sorry.

138
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I deserved it.

139
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No, you didn't.

140
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I mean, to have
no control over your pupils

141
00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:39,540
like a substitute teacher?

142
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:41,809
No one deserves that,
not even a picture.

143
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:44,812
Carol... it's fine. Relax.

144
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:48,516
(laughing):
Oh. Relax. I'm way ahead of you.

145
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That's my whole thing now,

146
00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:54,021
is just relaxing
during situations.

147
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I mean, so much
has changed

148
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since I drove you away,
and I'm not just talking

149
00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:00,928
about the amount of human waste
in your mini fridge.

150
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:03,764
I've mellowed out now. Mm-hmm.

151
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:05,265
Oh, yeah, now they call me

152
00:06:05,298 --> 00:06:10,270
the Mellow Submarine
or John Cougar Mellow-camp,

153
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:13,774
and Old Meller, and, hey, it's
Henry Wadsworth Long-Mellow.

154
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:15,609
Carol, I get it.

155
00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:17,277
I'm mellow.
Yeah.

156
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:19,413
You sure you're okay
with me taking your bed?

157
00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:20,414
Oh, absolutely.

158
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:21,949
Tandy and I'll make do,

159
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:24,217
and I'll just be outside

160
00:06:24,251 --> 00:06:28,021
relaxing during situations.

161
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:30,257
(chuckles)

162
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:32,960
Mellow-nor Roosevelt out.

163
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Nobody comes into my house and
tries to take over my hallway.

164
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Damn it. Split.

165
00:06:48,676 --> 00:06:51,812
Tandy. Tandy.
I figured it out, man.

166
00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:53,313
Oh, great, bud. What is it?

167
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:54,448
We're going to Akron.

168
00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:56,416
Perfect. Let's do it.
Yeah.

169
00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:59,152
Oh, uh, uh, uh, and why
are we going to A-Akron?

170
00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:00,488
'Cause that's
where Melissa's from.

171
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:02,255
Of course. Let's go.
Let's go.
Yeah.

172
00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:03,323
(stammers)

173
00:07:03,356 --> 00:07:05,325
Uh, but what-what
does that matter?

174
00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:06,660
Well, 'cause last night
I couldn't stop thinking

175
00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:08,929
about what Gail said
about being trapped in that box.

176
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:10,263
Hell on Earth, she called it.

177
00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:12,332
Well, Melissa's trapped
in a box, too, man.

178
00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:13,667
Well, yeah,
I mean she's only trapped

179
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:15,402
in a sense that she can't leave
whenever she wants.

180
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,671
Like, you know, the traditional
sense of the word "trapped."

181
00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:19,139
Yeah, you got a point.
Yeah, and

182
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:20,173
we got to figure this out.
I mean,

183
00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:21,241
we can't keep her in there
forever.

184
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:22,676
It's solid loge,

185
00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:24,077
but how will going
to Akron help?

186
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,479
'Cause that's where
she grew up, man.

187
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:26,947
That's where her
family's from.

188
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:29,149
Her medical records
are probably there.

189
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:31,619
Who knows what we could learn?
You know, and if nothing else,

190
00:07:31,652 --> 00:07:33,521
she'll get a little time
out of that box.

191
00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:35,355
Wait, she's going with us?

192
00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:36,824
Yeah, she wouldn't tell me
her address.

193
00:07:36,857 --> 00:07:39,860
(sighs)
Todd, if I'm being honest,

194
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:42,029
I think
we're making a huge mistake

195
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:43,363
for not having done this
earlier.

196
00:07:43,396 --> 00:07:45,966
You go grab Melissa,
I'll go get my travel underwear.

197
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:48,135
(Todd yells)
Pick up that spare first.

198
00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:11,892
Picked up the spare!

199
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:17,297
TANDY:
Why are you being so stubborn
about giving us your address?

200
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:18,866
We're doing this
to help you.

201
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:20,568
People are very
worried about you.

202
00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:22,069
You're sterile.

203
00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:24,371
And Carol's pregnant
with Mike's baby.

204
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:25,573
Just words.

205
00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:28,075
You see, I-I'm rubber,
and you're glue,

206
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:30,911
and whatever you say bounces
off me and sticks to you.

207
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:32,079
So you're sterile.

208
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,682
(laughs)

209
00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:36,684
See, now we're getting
somewhere, huh?

210
00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:38,418
Laughter is the
best medicine.

211
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:41,589
No, I was just thinking
about your tiny penis.

212
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,423
Carol told me
all about it.

213
00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:46,927
Uh, so you know
my balls are huge, though.

214
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,696
She said
those are really small, too.

215
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:51,431
I'm gonna have to talk
to Carol about this.

216
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:54,267
And just so you know,
I'm proud of my little tea set.

217
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:56,103
Yep, uh-huh, and by the way,

218
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:58,939
you have a small penis. Mm-hmm.

219
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:00,708
Okay, next subject.

220
00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:02,710
What is your freaking address
in Akron?

221
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,411
One-Sixth of an Inch Avenue,

222
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:07,347
Tandy's Penis Is Tiny City,
Ohio.

223
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,349
(stammering): You know what--
you know what, where you live?

224
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,785
You live on the intersection
of, uh, uh,

225
00:09:11,819 --> 00:09:13,286
You Don't Know
What You're Talking About Street

226
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,223
and, uh, uh, Mind Your Own
Business Boulevard.

227
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:19,126
God! I don't know why you
don't want us to help you.

228
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:21,695
We'll find your place.

229
00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:23,764
And by the way,
my penis is way larger

230
00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:25,398
than one-sixth of an inch.

231
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:27,935
Well, larger than one-sixth
of an inch.

232
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:29,803
ERICA:
Surprise!

233
00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:31,304
GAIL:
Oh.

234
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,741
Uh, thanks.

235
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,609
Oh, no, it's not
an age-related gift.

236
00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:36,910
This is for your leg.

237
00:09:36,944 --> 00:09:39,980
Now, see, I didn't really go
to the age thing,

238
00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:42,149
but now that you say it,
there it is.

239
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:43,316
CAROL:
Hey, Gail?

240
00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:45,986
Oh, you two are talking.

241
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:47,655
Sorry. Don't want to interrupt.

242
00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:49,056
Oh, Carol, it's okay.
Come hang out.

243
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,457
CAROL:
Oh, no.

244
00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:53,093
No, I just noticed
that you weren't at our house.

245
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,762
Of course you're not,
'cause you're right here.

246
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,797
(chuckles)
Duh, Carol. Anyway,

247
00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:57,931
I didn't know
if you had

248
00:09:57,965 --> 00:10:00,433
left, left, like,
did you move out?

249
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,302
'Cause you can.
I mean, I don't own you.

250
00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:03,436
I just don't know if
I should strip the bed

251
00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:05,839
or whatever,
just stop it, Carol!

252
00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:09,309
GAIL:
Carol? Carol.

253
00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:11,178
I'm still staying in there.

254
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:13,613
Oh, yeah? That's awesome.

255
00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,015
Sweet, all right.
Cool, well, whatever.

256
00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:17,818
You know, just forget
I even showed up here.

257
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:19,119
Rewind, right?

258
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,854
(makes rewinding noises)

259
00:10:20,888 --> 00:10:22,790
(rewinding noises
continue)

260
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:27,194
(beeping)

261
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:29,697
Okay. I know I'm
still recovering,

262
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:32,833
but she's weirder
than normal, right?

263
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:35,302
I really can't tell
anymore.

264
00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:37,304
TODD:
So this is you, huh?

265
00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:38,772
Ah, and just our luck,

266
00:10:38,806 --> 00:10:41,274
she lived in a
19-story walk-up.

267
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,010
Hey, Melissa.

268
00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:45,178
Thanks for telling us
where you lived,

269
00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:47,214
this is really gonna help us
help you.

270
00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:50,017
So, uh, this bringing back
some good memories or...

271
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:51,184
Todd?

272
00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:54,154
You better come
take a look at this.

273
00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:55,322
Ah, God.

274
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:57,190
TANDY:
I know.

275
00:10:57,224 --> 00:10:58,225
I mean, first of all,
she's dealing with

276
00:10:58,258 --> 00:10:59,226
the pain of adoption.

277
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:00,227
And then,
they don't let her

278
00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:02,562
into any
of their family pictures.

279
00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:04,164
How brutal.

280
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,066
Look what you made,
you monsters!

281
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,567
Tandy, she's not adopted.

282
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:08,736
(Melissa laughs)

283
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:10,570
You know, Melissa,
this is not funny.

284
00:11:10,603 --> 00:11:12,873
Okay? Why won't you
let us help you?

285
00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:14,942
We need you to
take us to your house.

286
00:11:15,943 --> 00:11:18,245
Good night.

287
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,379
(door closes)

288
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:20,748
MELISSA:
Body in the bed.

289
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:22,850
(body clunks on floor)

290
00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:24,017
All clear!

291
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:26,586
Not a very
auspicious start.

292
00:11:26,619 --> 00:11:29,857
Yeah, that's probably, uh,
how the Titanic felt, as well.

293
00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:32,059
The movie, you know.

294
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:34,427
You know,
second only to Avatar.

295
00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:36,196
That's a pretty cool thing.

296
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:37,497
TODD:
Tandy?

297
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:40,033
Tandy! Melissa's gone!

298
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,268
What? Where?

299
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:43,436
Ju... Come on!
I-I... Come on!

300
00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:45,438
TANDY: Where? Where?
I don't know!

301
00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:46,940
TODD:
Damn it, we lost her again!

302
00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:48,876
I'm stupid!
This is getting ridiculous!

303
00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:51,378
Todd, don't
panic, okay?

304
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:53,246
Not to harp on
the Titanic,

305
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,615
but there are solid lessons
to be gleaned there.

306
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,785
Now, you remember
that string quartet

307
00:11:57,818 --> 00:12:00,253
and how calm they were
when the ship was sinking?

308
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,122
Tandy, they sank with the ship
and died.

309
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:03,556
Yes, in the movie.

310
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,458
But yeah, no, now I'm talking
about the actual event.

311
00:12:05,492 --> 00:12:07,060
Yeah, they died
in that, too.

312
00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:08,395
Oh, they did, now?

313
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:11,231
Huh.
Wait, Tandy,
loo-look!

314
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,301
Oh, my God, one
of my billboards!

315
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,804
No, look at the picture.

316
00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:19,672
(whispers):
Oh, my God.

317
00:12:24,011 --> 00:12:26,279
TODD:
Melissa?

318
00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:28,648
Melissa?

319
00:12:28,681 --> 00:12:30,350
Oh, hey, look at that.

320
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,053
(chuckling):
Nice blazer.

321
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,988
Blazer? I hardly
knew her. Boom.
Ah.

322
00:12:35,022 --> 00:12:36,890
Okay, let's look for her desk.

323
00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:38,558
Maybe we can figure out
where she lives.

324
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:39,893
All right.

325
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:41,895
Talk to me, Chartres,

326
00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:44,264
where'd you close those
mother friggin' deals?

327
00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:50,403
Aha! Got it.

328
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,305
Got it, got it, got it.

329
00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:54,842
All right.
Okay, in order to
find out where she lives,

330
00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:56,476
we got to get ourselves
in the mindset.

331
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:58,578
Okay, I'm on the phone,
I'm selling houses.

332
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,247
Got a big house
on Baltic Avenue,

333
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,249
got a red hotel
on Park Place.

334
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,151
Okay, trapped
in a high stakes bidding war,

335
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:06,119
this is gonna be
a long day.

336
00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:08,255
Okay, coffee, coffee, sale.
Coffee, sale.

337
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:09,923
Sale, coffee.
Sale, sale.

338
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:12,259
You know it's a good day when
you got more sales than coffees.

339
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,995
Okay, 5:00 rolls around,
the whistle blows,

340
00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:17,464
the foreman yells,
"It's quitting time!"

341
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:19,266
You clean up
your desk area.

342
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,767
I crop-dust
my boss' office.

343
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,836
They never guess it's me,
'cause I'm a lady in a blazer.

344
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:24,171
Head for the door.

345
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:25,672
But where do I go? Got it!

346
00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:26,940
Hmm?
Home.

347
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:29,109
But where is home?

348
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,878
Oh, Tandy, I got it.

349
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:33,280
(laughs)
Of course!

350
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:34,514
She's a subscriber

351
00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:35,815
to Modern Bathroom and Kitchen
magazine.

352
00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:37,784
It was right in front
of our faces the whole time!

353
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,186
This is gonna lead us
right to her.

354
00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:40,854
Now where are the most modern
bathrooms and kitchens?

355
00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:42,189
New York City. Let's go.

356
00:13:42,222 --> 00:13:44,724
No, Tandy.
Chicago?

357
00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:46,626
No, her address is
on the magazine.
Even better!

358
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,395
New York or Chicago?
It's Akron.

359
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,630
Oh, that's handy.
Yeah.

360
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,199
CAROL:
Knock, knock, knock.

361
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:53,833
Hey.

362
00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:55,535
Tortilla chip delivery.

363
00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:57,137
(chuckles)
They're scoops, of course.

364
00:13:57,170 --> 00:14:01,141
Oh, Carol.
I don't need anything special.

365
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,609
Copy that, Gail.

366
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,080
You may have noticed
that I called you Gail?

367
00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:08,748
Rather than Mom.
(chuckles)

368
00:14:08,781 --> 00:14:11,151
Because you are obviously
not my mom.

369
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,686
And those silly adoption papers
that I drew up,

370
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,488
they were never official.

371
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:16,489
So...

372
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,091
Gail, just to clarify,

373
00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:20,994
I think what happened is I said,

374
00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:22,329
"Let's be mother and daughter."

375
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,731
And you were like,
"You're serious?"

376
00:14:24,764 --> 00:14:27,901
And then you just ran with it
and I was like, "Gail, wait!"

377
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,669
But you were
a runaway train.

378
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:34,074
(laughs) So just know,
it was always Goof City, USA,

379
00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:37,444
population:
two ladies who are not related.

380
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:39,279
Yeah, okay.

381
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,448
Want a jump?

382
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:42,515
What?

383
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,517
That burn should hold.

384
00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:46,619
Here you go, just friend.

385
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:48,721
Come on, toke it.
(softly):
What?

386
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:50,790
Don't. Don't. Stop it.
Yeah, come on,
here you go.

387
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:52,359
Inhale, just relax.

388
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:55,862
Just, go, be...
Carol, I don't want
the damn cigarette!

389
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,364
What are you doing?

390
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:58,865
What do you mean?

391
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,600
I mean, you're being so fake.

392
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,102
Why are you
doing this?

393
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:04,337
Because I don't want you
to leave me again.

394
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:26,793
(relieved sigh)

395
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,063
Whites.

396
00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:32,465
Yeah, this is her place.

397
00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:33,900
TANDY (softly):
Yeah.

398
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,502
TODD:
Look at all this.

399
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:42,742
Oh, thank God.

400
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:46,146
(voice breaking):
We got to figure this out.

401
00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:47,347
We got to fix her.

402
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:49,082
We will, okay?

403
00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:51,584
The answer's
in here somewhere.

404
00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:54,621
We'll find it.
We'll find it.

405
00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:58,925
(through stereo):
* Together *

406
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:02,629
* We're gonna find our way *

407
00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:04,664
GAIL: What on Earth
are you doing?

408
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:07,000
Lock and popping.

409
00:16:07,034 --> 00:16:08,801
Todd showed me how to do it.

410
00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:09,869
It's therapeutic.

411
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:13,106
* To learn all about *

412
00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:15,475
We need to talk.

413
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:18,778
(music stops)

414
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,114
Look, I already know
what's happening.

415
00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:23,016
I scared you away

416
00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:25,452
with my extreme
Pilbasianity.

417
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,787
My whole life I've been
alienating people.

418
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,123
Don't think
I don't know it.
Sweet pea,

419
00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:32,059
the whole time

420
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:34,894
I was in that stupid elevator,

421
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:36,963
all I thought about was you.

422
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,898
You and

423
00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:40,300
your grammar rules

424
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,569
and your glitter

425
00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:45,972
and your extremely loud outfits

426
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,540
and all the stuff

427
00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:49,376
that I didn't want
to be a part of.

428
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,411
Of which you didn't
want to be a part.

429
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:52,979
Yes! Ooh, see?

430
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:55,715
I hate that! Mm!

431
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:57,317
But...

432
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:58,985
that's the woman that

433
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:02,889
I want to take
a family photo with.

434
00:17:02,922 --> 00:17:05,592
My...

435
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:07,494
daughter.

436
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:09,429
Wait, what?

437
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:12,332
Let's take your dumb-ass
family photo.

438
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,101
Oh! Okay, well... Oh, oh,

439
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:16,002
we do not have to wear
the same outfit.

440
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:18,105
You know, I'll never make you
do that again.

441
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:20,140
Carol.

442
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:26,179
It's a family photo.

443
00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:28,415
*

444
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:32,452
Hey.

445
00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:33,720
How's it going?

446
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:34,954
You find anything?

447
00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:38,024
All I found out was
how much I don't know.

448
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,293
I mean,
look at these pictures.

449
00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:42,862
I've been in a relationship
with this woman for so long,

450
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,432
and I had no idea
who she was.

451
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:48,535
You know, I... I never knew
that she minored

452
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,137
in graphic design
or that...

453
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,038
she did missionary work
in Uganda.

454
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,606
Skydiving.

455
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,242
Had a Pomeranian.

456
00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:58,878
I mean, there's just
a whole life here,

457
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,047
you know,
that's just gone.

458
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,982
I'm realizing
I never really knew her.

459
00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:04,884
The way things are going,
I'm never, ever

460
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:05,985
gonna get a chance to.

461
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:08,655
(sighs)

462
00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:10,757
I'm starting to
lose hope, bud.

463
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,559
Hey, I don't want
to hear that.

464
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:13,960
You're the best
person I know.

465
00:18:13,993 --> 00:18:16,296
And if I was in
Melissa's situation,

466
00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:18,998
you're the person I'd want
in charge of figuring it out.
(footsteps approaching)

467
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:21,734
Morning.

468
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:23,270
Morning.

469
00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:24,304
Morning.

470
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:55,435
*

471
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,437
TODD:
Melissa?

472
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,005
What did you just do?

473
00:18:59,038 --> 00:19:00,773
What?

474
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:02,542
Y-You just took a pill.

475
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:04,444
Oh.

476
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:05,445
Yeah.

477
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:07,880
It-It was in your purse.

478
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,287
This?

479
00:19:14,321 --> 00:19:15,288
Yeah.

480
00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:18,225
C-Can you tell me
what that is?

481
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:21,628
I don't know.

482
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:24,864
Can-Can I have it?
Please?

483
00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:32,605
Only one left.

484
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:39,412
Okay.

485
00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:41,781
All right,
let's get you home.

486
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:47,086
(sighs)
Isn't this a gorgeous spot?

487
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:49,589
This is where
Tandy helped me

488
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:51,691
rediscover hope for the future.

489
00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:53,760
And subsequently
where we performed

490
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:56,829
the loving act
for five full minutes.

491
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,431
Well, that's good to know.

492
00:19:58,465 --> 00:20:00,400
It's been under five
for a while now.

493
00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:01,934
It's something we're working on.

494
00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:03,169
TMI, Carol.

495
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:04,237
Oh, "too minimal information"?

496
00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:05,772
(chuckles)
Okay.

497
00:20:05,805 --> 00:20:08,441
Well, we've started doing this
thing where, when we disrobe...

498
00:20:08,475 --> 00:20:09,609
Carol!

499
00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:11,244
Let's do the photos.

500
00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:13,846
Okay, say "limburger."

501
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,382
Burst mode!
(camera shutter
clicking rapidly)

502
00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:19,852
Limburger, limburger, limburger,
limburger, come on!

503
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:22,255
BOTH: Limburger, limburger,
limburger, limburger,

504
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:23,790
limburger, limburger, limburger.

505
00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:26,259
*

506
00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:37,637
(clicks tongue, then sighs)

507
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:39,038
Eyes closed, mouth open.

508
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:42,875
Carol, can you just close
your mouth for one second?

509
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:44,043
Geezy peezy,

510
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:46,546
Gail, you taking a nap?
(chuckles)

511
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:47,914
Oh, that's nice...

512
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:52,719
*

513
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:55,822
(gasps softly)

514
00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:01,361
Jiminy Glick.

515
00:21:36,028 --> 00:21:37,497
CHILDREN:
Uncle Stinky.

516
00:21:37,530 --> 00:21:38,998
(horn honking)

517
00:21:39,031 --> 00:21:41,000
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH