1
00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:07,175
Excuse me.
I'm looking
for Dr. Ken Park.

2
00:00:07,241 --> 00:00:08,842
About yea high.

3
00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:12,546
Looks like an Asian lesbian,
acts like an Asian gay man.

4
00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:14,415
Clark, can you call
Tanya at Nail Depot

5
00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:16,117
and tell her next time
there's a bubble
in my top coat,

6
00:00:16,184 --> 00:00:18,452
I'm taking my business
elsewhere.
Absolutely.

7
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,020
Buddy!
Doug!

8
00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:22,056
Oh, my.
Oh, look at you,
Mr. Clean.

9
00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:23,991
You here for a shine?
(IMITATES SQUEAKING)

10
00:00:24,058 --> 00:00:26,694
Look at you. Still working
at Doctors Without
Decorators, huh?

11
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:27,795
(LAUGHS)

12
00:00:29,097 --> 00:00:30,764
This is my
old buddy Doug.

13
00:00:30,831 --> 00:00:33,434
He's a standup comic,
which means
he's bitter and poor.

14
00:00:33,501 --> 00:00:35,002
Better than being
short and ugly.

15
00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:37,037
Is it, Doug?

16
00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:39,340
You know what?
I'm in town for a couple days
at the Laugh Factory.

17
00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:41,842
Oh, is that no longer
a comedy club?
(LAUGHS)

18
00:00:43,277 --> 00:00:44,578
So, let me guess.

19
00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:46,180
You still don't have
health insurance,

20
00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:48,082
so you dropped by
for a free checkup?

21
00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:49,617
I was hoping
you could fit me in

22
00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:52,420
in between putting
toe tags on the
rest of your patients.

23
00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:53,787
Did he hear
about last week?

24
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,123
(LAUGHS)

25
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:56,857
Okay, all right,
just shut up, Julie.

26
00:00:58,092 --> 00:00:59,693
Hey, why don't you
talk that woman you duped

27
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,395
into marrying you
to come to my show tonight?

28
00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:03,864
Ooh, yeah,
we'd love to hear
your fresh take

29
00:01:03,931 --> 00:01:08,269
on Internet dating
and how everyone's
eating kale. (CHUCKLES)

30
00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:10,738
I'll leave you
some comp tickets
at the box office.

31
00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:13,006
Comp tickets?
I'm intrigued.

32
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,742
Who are you, friend?

33
00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:16,844
Pat, this is my buddy
Doug from college.
He does standup.

34
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:19,079
Ah. Well, put me down
for one comp ticket.

35
00:01:19,147 --> 00:01:20,281
You a big comedy guy?

36
00:01:20,348 --> 00:01:23,351
No, I'm more
of a live sex show guy.

37
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:24,785
But those are
hardly ever free.

38
00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:37,298
You guys,
why are we sitting here?

39
00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:38,899
Surgeons took
our table.

40
00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:41,169
Yeah, they think
they're so much
better than us.

41
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:43,771
Why? Just 'cause they have
tons more education

42
00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:47,408
and way more money
and are more attractive?

43
00:01:47,475 --> 00:01:48,742
You know what, guys?

44
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:50,211
They're better than us.

45
00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:52,913
They don't have
more money than me.

46
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:56,049
I inherited a fortune
after that satellite fell
on my grandma.

47
00:01:57,818 --> 00:01:59,853
What? I never told
y'all that story?
(CHUCKLES)

48
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:01,522
Craziest thing
I ever seen.

49
00:02:02,390 --> 00:02:03,424
(CLATTERING)

50
00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:05,058
Whoa.
(GROANS)

51
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,460
This is ridiculous.

52
00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:07,761
We don't have
to take this.

53
00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:10,164
You know what?
Julie is right.

54
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:12,533
We are gonna
march over there confidently,

55
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:16,204
and Damona is going
to say something.

56
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:18,339
MAN: Right there,
concierge
is standing there.

57
00:02:18,406 --> 00:02:20,007
I didn't notice at first.
I was there
myself to check...

58
00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:21,342
Excuse me, hi.

59
00:02:21,409 --> 00:02:23,444
I know you don't know this,
but we usually sit here.

60
00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:24,545
And who are you?

61
00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:26,480
Family Medicine.

62
00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:27,948
That's my
low-sodium soy sauce.
I just leave that there.

63
00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:30,284
That is how much
our table this is.

64
00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:31,652
Really enjoyed the chat.

65
00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:32,953
Now leave us alone.

66
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:35,323
And that's how I met
Stephen Dorff.

67
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,991
Uh, excuse me,
but I don't think
you heard me.

68
00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:40,461
I said this is our table.

69
00:02:40,528 --> 00:02:42,230
Oh, I heard you.

70
00:02:42,296 --> 00:02:44,064
So, what color Tesla
do you think
I should get?

71
00:02:44,131 --> 00:02:47,435
Okay, well,
can I at least get my
low sodium soy sauce back?

72
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:48,536
This soy sauce?
Yeah.

73
00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:49,603
Right here?
Right there.

74
00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:50,671
Sure.
Thank you.

75
00:02:51,539 --> 00:02:52,806
(DAMONA GASPS)

76
00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:54,408
Your pastry!

77
00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:57,177
No, he did not do that
to your pastry!

78
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,182
No. No.

79
00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:07,788
(DOORBELL RINGS)

80
00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:14,295
Oh, D.K.
Unannounced.

81
00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:16,530
Not unannounced.

82
00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:18,165
I rang doorbell.

83
00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:19,700
Melon ripe.
In season.

84
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,902
Oh, good, another box
of unwanted fruit.

85
00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:24,137
And is it super heavy?

86
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,506
(GRUNTING)
Perfect.

87
00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:27,675
Hey, Dad.

88
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,543
Oh, we don't need those.

89
00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:30,944
Oh, you say that now,

90
00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:34,047
but when melon hunger hits,
best to have melon.

91
00:03:34,114 --> 00:03:36,484
So wise, Papa.

92
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,952
Well, we got to get
to the Laugh Factory.

93
00:03:39,019 --> 00:03:40,754
Doug usually only gets
like five minutes.

94
00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:42,790
That's right.

95
00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:44,525
We missed him last time
because someone refused
to valet park.

96
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:47,361
Oh, sure,
$20 cover and valet?

97
00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:49,229
Hey, why don't we buy
a tiger while we're at it?

98
00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:51,932
We'll live like rappers.

99
00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:55,569
Mom, Dad, there's this
new video game
that everyone has.

100
00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:57,971
If you really
want me to fit in
like you claim to,

101
00:03:58,038 --> 00:04:00,173
I need it immediately.

102
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,710
Dave, you don't need
another violent video game.

103
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:04,845
But Bloodlust
is educational.

104
00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:06,580
It's like
an anatomy lesson.

105
00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:09,350
When you win a sword fight,
your victim is cut wide open.

106
00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,519
You can see everything.
(LAUGHS)

107
00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:13,754
You want to take
this one?

108
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:15,222
Fine.

109
00:04:15,289 --> 00:04:16,724
You'll have it
by tomorrow.

110
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,225
No.
No!

111
00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:19,993
What's wrong with you,
Dave?

112
00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:21,194
Geez.

113
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:27,935
You don't need
video game.

114
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,370
You need exercise.

115
00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:32,072
Kids today just
sit on their butts
staring at screens.

116
00:04:32,139 --> 00:04:33,206
You're soft.

117
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,642
He's not wrong.

118
00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:37,945
I'll make a deal.

119
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:40,781
I'll buy you that
inappropriate video game

120
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:43,250
if you can do
more pushups than me
by next week.

121
00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:46,520
Can you do more than zero?
That's his personal best.

122
00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:48,756
Yeah, and that's when
I was working out.

123
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:56,196
See, Allison?
No valet. Not so bad.

124
00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:58,632
Yeah. I really enjoyed
the eight block
walk uphill.

125
00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:00,200
(LAUGHS)

126
00:05:00,267 --> 00:05:02,870
Well, thanks
for dropping me
off in front. (LAUGHS)

127
00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:05,639
Hey, Parks.
Thanks for saving me
a seat.

128
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:06,907
We didn't.

129
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,009
So...

130
00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,144
I did a little
light Googling
on your friend,

131
00:05:11,211 --> 00:05:13,246
and, uh, apparently
he is blowing up.

132
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,683
Yeah, just recorded
a one hour comedy special

133
00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:19,353
and posted a scathing review
of a carpet store on Yelp.

134
00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:21,589
That's light Googling?

135
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:22,990
Well, for me, yeah.

136
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:25,593
When I go deep,
I can tell you
a guy's shoe size,

137
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,060
little miss seven
and a half.

138
00:05:28,896 --> 00:05:30,431
Switch seats with me.

139
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,269
Okay,
ladies and gentlemen.

140
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,838
The Laugh Factory's
proud to present

141
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:40,240
one of Variety's
top 10 comics to watch.

142
00:05:40,307 --> 00:05:41,975
You'll see him
on Jimmy Kimmel next week.

143
00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,444
He's here for you
right now.

144
00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:46,113
How about a big hand
for Mr. Doug Miller!

145
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,415
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

146
00:05:49,817 --> 00:05:51,685
Hey, everybody!

147
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:53,987
Thanks for coming out.
What's up, cutie?

148
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:55,823
Thanks for sitting
in the front row.

149
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,525
You brought
your Uber driver, great.

150
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,292
(LAUGHTER)

151
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:00,928
This girl asked me out
the other day.

152
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:03,797
She told me
she was an actress
in porno movies.

153
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:06,467
So, I was like,
"All right, well,
when do you want to go out?"

154
00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:09,236
She goes,
"Well, I'm working
Tuesday and Wednesday.

155
00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:11,004
"How about Thursday?

156
00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:13,807
"Uh... How about Monday?"

157
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,943
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

158
00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:18,378
Yeah, he's been doing
that joke forever.

159
00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:20,714
I'm sorry.
Am I interrupting
your conversation?

160
00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:21,949
Oh, no, no, sorry.

161
00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:23,651
No, no, he was just
telling me

162
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,185
you've been
doing that joke forever.

163
00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:26,353
Oh.

164
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:27,621
I liked it, though.

165
00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:30,991
And Monday
was the right call.

166
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:34,294
Folks, this is actually
my buddy Ken
from Duke.

167
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:35,863
You should've seen
this guy in college.

168
00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:38,231
He really cleaned up
with the sorority girls.

169
00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:41,635
Yeah, his work-study job,
he was janitor for Tri Delt.

170
00:06:41,702 --> 00:06:44,271
(ALL LAUGH)

171
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:46,807
I'm laughing.
I'm thinking.
I'm having a great time.

172
00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:50,944
You know what?
Every year,
Ken made Dean's list.

173
00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:52,846
Oh.
That's true.

174
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,115
Yeah. Dean was our buddy
who made a list
of all the virgins.

175
00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:56,717
(ALL LAUGH)

176
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,086
(FORCED LAUGHTER)

177
00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:03,056
In fact, Ken's major
was virginity

178
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:05,092
with a minor
in never losing it.

179
00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:06,694
(LAUGHTER)

180
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,096
No, it was Biochemistry.

181
00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:11,532
I don't get that.

182
00:07:11,599 --> 00:07:13,066
Ken, it's great
to see you.

183
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,168
You have
a beautiful family, too.

184
00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:18,972
Lovely children
and a wife who insists
they're your kids.

185
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:20,073
I don't know.

186
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:21,642
(LAUGHS LOUDLY)

187
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:25,212
Hey, both of our kids
are a product

188
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:28,181
of the amazing sex
I had with this lady
right here.

189
00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:31,585
Switch seats with me.

190
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:41,328
I had no idea
he was doing so well.

191
00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:43,631
Did you know back
at Duke,
I was the funny one?

192
00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:45,132
Yeah, it's come up.

193
00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:50,704
I'm sorry,
but if he can do it...

194
00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:52,139
Why didn't you
ever try it?

195
00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:53,807
I almost did.

196
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:56,744
I mean, there's this bar
at Duke where Doug
was doing open mikes.

197
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,579
I signed up, but when
I told my dad about it,

198
00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:01,014
he was like...
(IMITATING D.K.)
"Oh, you no Steven Wright.

199
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:03,183
"You Steven Wrong.
(CHUCKLES)

200
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:04,952
"Oh, there's joke
for you, joke boy.

201
00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:07,487
"Now back to library."

202
00:08:07,555 --> 00:08:10,490
Well, there's no reason
you can't give it
a shot now.

203
00:08:10,958 --> 00:08:12,059
Think so?

204
00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:13,861
Go try an open mike.

205
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:16,697
Wouldn't that be better
than wondering what if
the rest of your life?

206
00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:17,998
I don't think so, Al.

207
00:08:18,065 --> 00:08:20,968
I've gotten pretty cozy
with what if.

208
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,571
But I've always
had this idea
that I could get up there

209
00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:25,038
and do it, but...

210
00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:28,275
If I can't,
then the dream is gone.

211
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,010
Or what if you can?

212
00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:31,645
(LAUGHS)

213
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:36,249
That'd be pretty cool,
Allison. (LAUGHS)

214
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:40,788
You know what?
I think I'm gonna do it.

215
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,756
Yeah, you are!

216
00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:44,925
Oh, so exciting.
(CHUCKLES)

217
00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:46,794
Wait, you sure
you don't want to call
your daddy first

218
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,095
and ask permission?

219
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,630
It's ringing.
I was kidding.

220
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:51,064
Oh, oh, so was I.

221
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:58,438
(GRUNTING)

222
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:10,117
Molly, do you happen
to know where I can find
any steroids?

223
00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:12,219
What?

224
00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:16,223
Zero pushups is hard enough,
but one is impossible.

225
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:18,992
"Well, you'll get there,"
she said,
not meaning it at all.

226
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:22,062
Wait, can you train me?

227
00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:24,031
Dave, pushups are like
riding a bike.

228
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:27,234
You'll never be able
to do either of them.

229
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,569
Oh, yeah?
If you don't help me,
I'll tell Mom and Dad

230
00:09:29,637 --> 00:09:31,705
about the fake ID
I saw in your purse.

231
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:33,540
You're bluffing.

232
00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:35,575
Am I,
Madonna Bronkowitz?

233
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:38,378
It's Burkowitz, okay?

234
00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:40,280
If I'm gonna help you,
get my name right.

235
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,051
Hey, guys.

236
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:45,786
Guess what
your dad's gonna do
Tuesday night.

237
00:09:45,853 --> 00:09:48,656
Finally spend
some quality time
with us?

238
00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:50,490
Nope.
Mol, any guesses?

239
00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:53,293
Something purely for you
that inflates your ego?

240
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,929
Oh, so close!
(LAUGHS)

241
00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:58,165
I'll just say it.

242
00:09:58,231 --> 00:10:00,701
I'm gonna try standup.

243
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:04,672
That's right!

244
00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:07,207
Your dad's gonna prove
he's not just funny
around the house.

245
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:09,843
Like when he slammed
the cabinet door
on his thumb.

246
00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:12,112
(BOTH LAUGH)
Yeah.

247
00:10:12,179 --> 00:10:15,282
Okay, you know what?
Just for that,
neither of you are going.

248
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,184
Well, they can't go anyway.
They're not 21.

249
00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:18,719
Yeah, and it's not like
either of us

250
00:10:18,786 --> 00:10:20,187
has a fake ID
in our purse.

251
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:25,025
Oh, Dave,
you're so funny.
Let's get out of here.

252
00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:27,027
Stop right there,
young lady.

253
00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:29,396
And just why
do you think
Dave's so funny?

254
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:31,531
Because
he got it from you?

255
00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:33,867
Exactly.
Now go have fun.

256
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:35,268
Oh, and don't forget
your purse.

257
00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:36,704
Oh.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

258
00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:39,239
(CHUCKLES)

259
00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:47,547
Guys, guess what
I'm doing Tuesday night.

260
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:50,183
Oh, finally taking me
to dinner for my birthday
like you've been promising?

261
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:51,752
Nope.
Anyone else?

262
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,153
Something completely
about yourself

263
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:54,387
that you're gonna
drag us into?

264
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:56,857
Oh, you're so close!
(LAUGHS)

265
00:10:56,924 --> 00:10:58,959
All right,
I'll just tell you. Um...

266
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:02,129
I'm finally doing
an open mike
at the Laugh Factory.

267
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,331
(GASPS)
That's so exciting!

268
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:07,300
You've been
telling us forever
how funny you are.

269
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,071
You're doing an open mike?
Well, I don't know.

270
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:12,706
Based on what I witnessed
from you the other night,

271
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:14,708
they might want to call it
an open grave.

272
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,443
Thanks, Pat.

273
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:17,878
You know,
'cause you're gonna
die up there.

274
00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:21,148
Got it.
Because you are
not funny.

275
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:24,985
Oh, he's funny.

276
00:11:25,052 --> 00:11:26,453
Come on, little man.
Give us a taste.

277
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:27,988
(GROANS)
Okay. Okay.

278
00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:30,057
I just came up
with this one. Okay.
(CHUCKLES)

279
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:31,258
Uh...

280
00:11:31,324 --> 00:11:33,493
Oh, you see
a lot of Asian doctors,

281
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:36,196
but I've never seen
an Asian veterinarian.

282
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:38,098
(CHUCKLING)
Not gonna happen.

283
00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:39,532
(IN ASIAN ACCENT)
"Oh, I'm so sorry.

284
00:11:39,599 --> 00:11:41,301
"Your doggie
not make it."

285
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,174
Are you implying
that he ate the dog?

286
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:48,776
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not implying.

287
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,944
I'm saying
he ate the dog.

288
00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:54,147
Okay, that is
wildly offensive.

289
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:56,083
Write this down.

290
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:59,286
Not funny at all.

291
00:11:59,352 --> 00:12:01,521
Horrifying.
Aggressively racist.

292
00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:04,157
Laugh Factory?
More like Setting
Your People Back Factory.

293
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:05,993
(LAUGHTER)

294
00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:07,694
See, Ken,
it's not so hard.

295
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:13,000
Okay, you guys,
this is really
constructive feedback.

296
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,935
I've got it now,
and I'm gonna run with it.

297
00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:16,236
So thank you.
DAMONA: All right.
Good.

298
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:17,704
Actually, if it was
a cat instead...

299
00:12:17,771 --> 00:12:19,072
No! Oh, my God!
No!

300
00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:20,908
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Back to work, then.

301
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,780
People.
Hear ye.

302
00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:29,082
The cafeteria wars
will soon be over,

303
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:33,320
and those surgeons will be
waving the white flag
of surrender.

304
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:36,423
What in the hell
are you talking about?

305
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:39,793
Sorry, I've been
kind of bingeing on
Game of Thrones. (CHUCKLES)

306
00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:43,530
Anyhoo, I took
the bolts off the table.

307
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,332
And as soon as those
smug bastards

308
00:12:45,398 --> 00:12:47,267
put any weight on it,
that thing is gonna

309
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:51,704
come crashing down
like a satellite
on Damona's grandma.

310
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:54,942
Well, Clark, you know,
we're not up here
because of the surgeons.

311
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:56,643
Pediatrics is using
the cafeteria.

312
00:12:56,709 --> 00:12:57,811
They're throwing
the kids a party.

313
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,181
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no...

314
00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:02,782
No!

315
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:13,626
I thought the balloons...
(PANTING)
Would break my fall.

316
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:20,400
One, two, three.

317
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:21,768
You've got this, Dave.

318
00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,336
Four, five.

319
00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:25,538
You're gonna get
that video game!

320
00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:27,908
Six and...

321
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:29,142
Seven pushups!

322
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:30,777
Great job, Dave!

323
00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:33,180
(SIGHS)

324
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:34,948
So, that's what it's gonna
sound like on my end.

325
00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:41,654
Kids, Dad says
he has something important
to talk to us about.

326
00:13:41,721 --> 00:13:45,258
Thanks, Al.
Now, listen up, guys.
This affects all of us.

327
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,227
I was working
on some material
that I realize might be

328
00:13:47,294 --> 00:13:50,063
offensive to Asians,
animals, and Julie,

329
00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:51,364
who had to take
a half day,

330
00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:53,867
so I broke out
some of the stuff I use

331
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:55,568
when I host
the HMO banquet.

332
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:57,437
(CLEARS THROAT)

333
00:13:57,504 --> 00:14:00,040
You know what
some lazy nurses do
on their day off?

334
00:14:00,107 --> 00:14:02,342
Same thing they do
on their day on.
(CHUCKLES)

335
00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:08,281
You know,
'cause they're lazy.

336
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,050
(LAUGHS)

337
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:15,188
Now that I understand it,
I love it!

338
00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:18,058
Nurses.

339
00:14:22,162 --> 00:14:24,264
Pap smear. Uh...

340
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,599
Pap smear.

341
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:29,002
Pap smear campaign.

342
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:30,337
No, no, no, no.
Too political.

343
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,040
Ken, come to bed.

344
00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:35,775
I appreciate the offer, Al,
but I'm not feeling it
right now.

345
00:14:35,842 --> 00:14:37,177
Hit you back double
this weekend.

346
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:41,581
I meant come to sleep.
It's 2:00 in the morning.

347
00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:44,684
I can't.
The open mike's tomorrow,
and I've got nothing.

348
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:46,419
Okay, let me help you.

349
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:47,787
Um...

350
00:14:47,854 --> 00:14:49,256
Oh, here's something.

351
00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:51,124
You know how
there's a backup camera
on our car?

352
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:53,326
Yeah?
Why don't you do
something with that?

353
00:14:57,697 --> 00:15:00,133
Thanks, Al.
That's great.

354
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,668
Yeah.
Oh, hello?

355
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:02,769
Comedy Hall of Fame?

356
00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:04,671
Yeah, it's Ken Park.
Clear some space.

357
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:07,240
I got this monster
backup camera bit.

358
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:10,577
Okay, you don't have
to be nasty about it.

359
00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,845
I'm sorry.
I'm just freaking out.

360
00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:15,248
I'm gonna suck.

361
00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:17,284
(SIGHS)

362
00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:19,819
I'm not gonna do this.

363
00:15:19,886 --> 00:15:21,188
No.

364
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,423
I know you, Ken,
and if you back out now,

365
00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:25,993
it'll eat at you
for the rest of your life.

366
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:28,996
And you know what?
You can do this.

367
00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:30,497
And you're gonna be great.

368
00:15:30,563 --> 00:15:32,265
Just don't overthink it.

369
00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:34,467
Be yourself.

370
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:36,603
You're the funniest person
I know.

371
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:37,870
That's why I married you.

372
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:41,241
Thanks, honey.

373
00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:42,675
(CHUCKLES)

374
00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:46,913
Backup cameras.
Just saying.

375
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:48,548
(LAUGHS)

376
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:55,555
All right, Dave,
you can do this.

377
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:57,524
Just remember
what we talked about.

378
00:15:57,590 --> 00:16:00,393
Tighten your core,
breathe, and try
not to poop again.

379
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:01,761
No promises, Mol.

380
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:08,735
(GRUNTS)
One!

381
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:10,737
Dave, that's
a new personal best!

382
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:14,974
(GRUNTS)
Two!

383
00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:17,110
You're playing
with house money now.

384
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,580
(GRUNTS)

385
00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:24,484
Okay, two.
Not bad.

386
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:26,186
Okay, my turn.

387
00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:31,058
One, two, three.

388
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:34,294
Three to two.
You lose.

389
00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:36,163
Darn. Now I just
have to make do

390
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:38,865
with the many
violent video games
I already own.

391
00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:40,967
I am so over
Zombie Pimp.

392
00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:45,238
Okay, double or nothing.

393
00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:47,707
I'll give you
two video games
if you can beat me

394
00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:49,376
in the 100 yard dash
next week.

395
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:52,712
Seriously?
Two video games
for 100 yards?

396
00:16:52,779 --> 00:16:54,381
You're on, sucker!

397
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:56,349
I'm gonna go ice
my pecs.

398
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,020
Way to trick him,
Grandpa.

399
00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:02,455
Not tricking.

400
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:03,756
Motivating.

401
00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:06,326
Respect.

402
00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:08,428
Now I got to figure out
how to train him to run.

403
00:17:08,495 --> 00:17:09,796
(ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYS)

404
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,898
Ice cream truck!

405
00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,077
I'm so worried
for Ken.

406
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:25,478
He'll be fine.

407
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,214
Ken got sense of humor
from me.

408
00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:29,682
You all ready, buddy?

409
00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:31,851
What are you doing here?
I'm emceeing.

410
00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:34,887
I had to be here
for you, pal.
You're gonna do great.

411
00:17:34,954 --> 00:17:36,123
You really think so?

412
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:37,957
No.
But here we go.

413
00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:42,329
Welcome to the
Laugh Factory open mike,
everybody!

414
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:43,763
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

415
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:46,933
Yes!

416
00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:49,302
You're gonna see
some amazing
talent tonight.

417
00:17:49,369 --> 00:17:52,038
But first,
here's my pal Ken Park!

418
00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:53,706
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

419
00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:56,243
Have fun.
(CHEERING)

420
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:01,481
Hey.
What up, Laugh Factory?

421
00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:03,116
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

422
00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:05,752
Make some noise!

423
00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:07,654
(LIGHT CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

424
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,022
Let's get this
party started!
(CHUCKLES)

425
00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:18,431
Okay, uh, so, uh,
you guys
like impressions?

426
00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:19,832
Okay, here's a classic.

427
00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:22,835
Korean Johnny Carson.

428
00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:25,638
(IMITATING JOHNNY CARSON)
"Is that a, uh,

429
00:18:25,705 --> 00:18:27,474
"John Wayne Bobbitt..."

430
00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:28,908
(SPEAKS KOREAN)

431
00:18:28,975 --> 00:18:30,377
(LAUGHING)

432
00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:36,349
John Wayne Bobbitt?

433
00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:39,386
His wife chopped off
his jaji?

434
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:42,255
Oh, come on!
That's funny!

435
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,391
"Jaji" means "penis."

436
00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:48,428
Um...

437
00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:52,199
Uh, so, uh, you see
a lot of Asian doctors.

438
00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:54,066
But I've never seen
an Asian veterinarian.

439
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,202
No!
Okay.

440
00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:03,543
Backup cameras.

441
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:05,312
What's up with them, huh?

442
00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:06,779
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

443
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:08,748
You ever run over
your kids and think,

444
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:11,184
"Hey, I wish I had
a home movie of that?"
Oh, God, no.

445
00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:16,122
What am I even
doing up here?

446
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:17,757
I'm a doctor.

447
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:20,293
No matter what happens,
I got to wake up
tomorrow morning

448
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:21,594
and cradle
some scrotums.

449
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,196
(LAUGHTER)

450
00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:26,399
And tomorrow's
my day off.

451
00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:27,800
(LAUGHTER)

452
00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:29,736
(CHUCKLES)

453
00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:31,204
Oh, my God,
I just made that up!

454
00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:34,541
Okay, um...
Okay, well, yeah...
It's true.

455
00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:38,110
I'm a doctor.
Yeah, yeah, my parents
Korean'd me into it.

456
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,313
Know what I'm saying?
(CHUCKLES)

457
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:43,250
Yeah, it's not like
my parents forced me
into doing this stuff.

458
00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:44,817
It's not like I went
up to my dad and said,

459
00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:46,118
"Gee, Papa,
when I grow up,

460
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,854
"I want to be a doctor
and save lives."

461
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:49,822
(IMITATING D.K.)
"No, no. You tell joke!"

462
00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:51,658
(LAUGHTER)

463
00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:53,493
I would never say that.

464
00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:58,565
(NORMAL VOICE)
It was really easy for me
to get in med school.

465
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:01,534
I mean...
I mean, look at me.
It's like my birthright.

466
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:02,802
Here was my interview.

467
00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:04,637
"So, Ken,
tell me about yourself."

468
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:05,705
"Well, I'm Korean."

469
00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:07,173
"Stop! Congratulations.
You're in."

470
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,208
That's it. That's it.
(LAUGHTER)

471
00:20:10,677 --> 00:20:11,811
(APPLAUSE)

472
00:20:17,484 --> 00:20:18,918
(LAUGHING)

473
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,621
Dad, you were awesome.

474
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:22,889
(LAUGHING)

475
00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:24,691
He was amazing.

476
00:20:24,757 --> 00:20:27,260
And I knew you would be.
You're welcome.

477
00:20:27,327 --> 00:20:28,695
(LAUGHS)

478
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,431
(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

479
00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:32,799
What's that?

480
00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:36,135
It's Jamie Masada,
owner of the Laugh Factory.

481
00:20:36,202 --> 00:20:37,970
He says he wants
to manage me.

482
00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:42,241
So, are you gonna
do this?

483
00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:46,045
Nah. I just wanted
to prove I could do
standup, that's all.

484
00:20:46,112 --> 00:20:47,747
You know,
you were really good.

485
00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:49,616
Great even,
but come on.

486
00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:51,484
What am I gonna do,

487
00:20:51,551 --> 00:20:54,487
give up being a doctor
and become a comedian?

488
00:20:54,554 --> 00:20:56,789
That is pretty
ridiculous. (LAUGHS)

489
00:20:56,856 --> 00:20:58,090
"No more
medicine for me.

490
00:20:58,157 --> 00:20:59,459
"I'm gonna...
I'm gonna hit the road

491
00:20:59,526 --> 00:21:01,260
"and perform at
the Funny Bone
in El Paso."

492
00:21:01,328 --> 00:21:02,929
(ALL LAUGH)

493
00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:04,997
Hey, maybe they'll
put you in movies.

494
00:21:05,064 --> 00:21:06,766
(ALL LAUGH)

495
00:21:06,833 --> 00:21:08,335
Or your own TV show.

496
00:21:08,401 --> 00:21:10,002
(ALL LAUGH)

497
00:21:10,069 --> 00:21:11,504
I guess you guys
are right.

498
00:21:11,571 --> 00:21:13,139
That's full-on crazy.

499
00:21:13,205 --> 00:21:15,575
(ALL LAUGH)

500
00:21:15,642 --> 00:21:17,777
ALLISON: "I'm just gonna
throw my medical degree
in the street."

501
00:21:17,844 --> 00:21:19,245
(LAUGHTER)