Okay. Mr. Richman's flu has been vanquished.
Who's next in line to be...
* A-feelin' my healin'
Okay. Get ready.
Oh, no.
Just please tell me it doesn't involve a hernia exam.
At the risk of sounding unprofessional,
I hate tugging plums before lunch.
No. Much better.
Dicky Wexler!
(SQUEALS)
Who's Dicky Wexler?
Dr. Ken's favorite patient.
He's hilarious. Old-school comedian.
I've loved him since I was a kid.
I did one of his routines word for word
in my fourth grade talent show. (SCOFFS)
It did not go well, but in my defense,
I thought he actually went motor boating with Charo.
(GURGLING)
Ta-da! (LAUGHS)
Dicky!
How's my favorite pint-sized doc, huh?
Look at this guy.
He's so small, he could model for trophies.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, I am not tall.
Clarky, Clarky, if that dome gets any shinier,
you can get a job as lighthouse.
(ALL LAUGH)
Damona, Damona, you look younger every year.
Oh!
Then again, I'm legally blind, so you do the math.
(ALL LAUGH)
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who, who... Who is this?
Hi, Dicky. I'm Dr. Julie Dobbs.
What do we say we go down to the courthouse
and change your name to Wife Number Five?
(ALL LAUGH)
Oh, hey, hey, hey, listen.
I got this for you.
My show at the Tropicana, 1978.
Thanks, Dicky.
I listen to these whenever I'm in a bad mood.
So, always?
(CHUCKLES)
People, a lot of you were late
with your time cards this week, so...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where'd you get this guy, Bureaucrats "R" Us?
(CHUCKLING) Okay, okay, Dicky.
Let's get you to an exam room.
Seriously. If red tape and boredom had a kid,
it would be that guy. (LAUGHS)
Because you're boring!
(ALL LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
So, what brings you in today?
There's a benefit show at the Friars Club next week,
but they won't let me do it unless I get cleared by a doctor.
I guess Charlene makes them nervous.
I'm sorry. Charlene?
Dicky's had myeloma for a few years.
Cancer is such an ugly word.
So I named it Charlene, after my ex-wife.
(CHUCKLES)
They're each about as much fun,
and they've had similar effects on me.
(DR. KEN CHUCKLES)
Well, Dicky, I'm sure your oncologist went over this,
but Charlene is kind of making herself at home in there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I, I know, but listen. I feel great.
I'm doing my thing. I'm taking walks.
Look, I'm no athlete, but neither are you.
Looks like the only pull-ups you do are at the drive-through.
(LAUGHS)
I do get winded on escalators.
So, what do you say? Will you give me a doctor's note
so I can do this thing?
All right. DICKY: All right.
DR. KEN: All right, I'll make it happen.
Okay. But...
You better save me a seat
and not a booster seat like last time.
You didn't.
You got to admit it was funny.
(BOTH LAUGH)
It was.
And it really did help me see the stage better, so...
(LAUGHING) Okay, Dicky, I'll see you at the show.
Thanks again, Doc.
Good luck with that lawsuit against your barber.
(BOTH LAUGH)
This is not Supercuts' best work.
Hey, sweetheart.
Let me take you out for a romantic dinner.
What are you doing tomorrow at 4:00?
(ALL LAUGH)
All right, all right all right, I'll see you when I see you.
(CHUCKLES)
Ah, he always says that.
Dr. Park, are you sure that Dicky is healthy enough to do that show?
His platelets and hemoglobin are both very low.
Trust me. The guy's been performing forever.
He survived two tours in Vietnam.
USO tours, but still.
Those guys are not an easy laugh.
Okay. It's just, you've always told me
not to get too close to my patients
because it could cloud my judgment.
My judgment's fine.
Dicky's strong as an ox, and I know what he can handle.
I've been his doctor since you were a little girl
doing pretend vaccinations on your dolls.
I told you that in confidence!
Damona...
Is the old man gone?
I'm having a puffy day, and I don't feel like enduring any more of his barbs.
He's gone. Oh, good.
All right, quick announcement, people.
Due to some cockroach eggs in the pancake batter,
the commissary will be closed tomorrow.
But today it's business as usual.
And they're doing all-you-can-eat pancakes.
Ooh, let's get tacos for lunch tomorrow.
Oh, actually, I hate to be a Johnny-Asserts-Himself
instead of a Little-Timmy-Goes-Along,
but I believe it's my turn to choose the restaurant,
and this new vegan place just opened.
Oh! I would, but I had yard trimmings for breakfast.
Just try it, Pat.
Jared Leto's a vegan, and you love him.
Oh, Leto. Well...
I guess if he can put it in his beautiful mouth,
I can put it in mine.
Sorry about the cavities, Molly.
You got to take care of your teeth.
They're the white picket fence of your face house.
(LISPING) Shut up, Dave.
Dave, don't rub it in. You just had one good checkup.
"Good"? It was perfect.
My teeth are so amazing,
you should be on guard for poachers coming after me.
Ding!
Okay. See you Tuesday at 11:00.
Dr. Park.
Kate! How are you?
Great. (CHUCKLES)
Well, bye.
Have a day.
(LISPING) What was that about?
Just a former patient of mine.
It's no big deal.
Five years I spent treating Kate.
She told me she didn't need therapy anymore,
but there she was,
waltzing out of another therapist's office like she owned the place
literally, as if she had the deed in her back pocket.
I thought you said it was no big deal.
And aren't deeds just for ranches?
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Dr. Park.
When?
Mmm-hmm.
Okay. On my way.
What is it? Dicky Wexler's in the hospital.
(LISPING) Who's Dicky Wexler?
I'm fine, Doc.
I got a little tired, so I took a load off.
You collapsed in a busy intersection.
Everybody's so touchy about where you lie down these days.
You told Dr. Marabi you've been feeling really tired
and you're having trouble getting up the stairs.
But you told me you felt great.
Okay. So I lied. I want to do the show.
Even if you're getting sicker?
Especially if I'm getting sicker.
Look, Doc...
I don't know how much time I got left but...
I want to spend it doing what I love. I know, Dicky, but...
Onstage, a drink in my hand, making people laugh.
That's who I am.
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
It's all I got.
(SIGHS)
Okay. I'll let you do it.
Attaboy, Doc. Thanks.
All right, Dicky, get some rest.
Here, not on Ventura and Woodman.
(CHUCKLES)
All right, Doc. Hey.
I'll see you when I see you. (CLICKS TONGUE)
Mom, have you seen my pink top?
Okay. So I'm not fine with Kate
leaving me for another therapist.
There. I admit it.
So, that's a "no" on the top?
I just wish I knew what I did wrong with her.
Just play it cool.
If you're aloof, they always come back.
Molly, she's a patient,
not a sophomore boy with saggy pants
and ethnically inappropriate dreadlocks.
Mock if you will, but Xander came back.
(SLURPING)
Dave, how many bowls of that blue cereal have you had?
At least three.
And last night, he took a bag of Snickers to bed with him.
I can have as much sugar as I want.
I've got enamel for days, son!
(SLURPING)
Vegan chili,
kale ravioli, jealous...
Garden burger,
and tofu banh mi...
Which will soon be in me.
(CLARK CHUCKLES)
That's a little food joke I tell, so...
(SNIFFS) Mmm. Yeah. Smells terrific.
And there's no meat in this? Nope.
Well, mine tastes fantastic, Clark.
Thank you, Damona.
And you know what's so cool about this place
is that the takeout menu is actually printed on rice-based paper,
so you can eat it.
Yeah. No. I am thinking of a different place.
And make sure there's some bourbon in the ambulance.
'Cause that's what he likes before a show.
Well, just swing by a liquor store.
A cool paramedic would do it.
Dr. Park, are you sure
that taking Dicky out of the hospital is a good idea?
Hmm, let me check.
Uh, yeah, I am.
I'm just worried that your feelings
might be clouding your judgment.
And I'm just worried... Loser says, "What?"
What? Aha!
Every time!
Wait. Just answer me one thing.
If Dicky's chart belonged to another patient,
would you really let him leave the hospital?
(SIGHS)
No. I wouldn't.
I'm sorry. I know this must be really hard.
How am I gonna tell him?
Just be honest. That's always best.
Oh, God, that vegan chili smells like Satan's diaper.
Okay, honesty is usually best.
(GASPS)
Liaress!
You said you liked my vegan food,
but then you threw it in the trash after barely one bite?
Look, I'm sorry, Clark, but it was just so nasty!
(GASPS)
I had to gargle with hamburger
just to get the taste out of my mouth.
What, and you didn't feel like you could tell me this?
You wanted us to like it so bad.
And please don't take this the wrong way,
but you tend to be a little over-dramatic.
(GASPS)
Ah. Hey, Doc.
I got my penguin suit for the show.
That tux has been through a lot.
You, you see those stitches?
That's where Don Rickles stabbed me with a fork.
Truth be told, I had recently stabbed him with two forks.
Listen, Dicky...
There's not gonna be a show.
What the hell are you talking about?
It's Charlene.
She's bad.
Charlene's always bad.
Come on... She got you, Dicky.
This time, she got you.
In that case, I got to do the show.
I got to do it.
I'm sorry.
The medically responsible thing to do is to keep you here,
monitored, comfortable...
Hey! I'm not comfortable, okay?
This place stinks.
And the only alcohol they got is the kind you can't drink.
Dicky...
Look, Doc.
The club is my home.
Let me go home.
I can't.
I thought you were my friend.
I am, but I'm also your doctor.
Yeah, well, doctors are supposed to help people.
I am helping you. No, you're not.
You're worse than Charlene.
Goodbye.
What? Oh, for goodness' sake.
Okay, well, well, they sometimes jam.
You just press and I'll pull. I'm pressing. I'm pressing.
You pressed the wrong button. Just press the other button.
I'm pressing the other one.
Okay, well, now you just turned on the TV.
Oh, get hell out of here.
I just wish I could help Dicky do one last show.
I know.
But try to remember how much
you have helped him through the years.
True.
I treated his hypertension,
his cholesterol, his adulterer's knee.
Don't beat yourself up over it.
That's what I realized about my thing with Kate.
At some point, you just have to let go and move on.
Good for you, Mom. You've moved on.
I haven't moved on. I just said I should.
Wait. What did you say?
I should move on. "Move." That's it!
Where are you going? I've got an idea,
and it's so crazy that it just might work!
Actually, it's not that crazy, but it just might work!
Dave, you've barely touched your dinner.
I ate too many sweets.
Now my tummy and my butt aren't friends anymore.
Serves you right, show-off.
That's what you get for brushing your teeth with pudding.
My mistake was hubris.
This all happened because you took us to the dentist together.
I want to go to my next appointment alone.
Wait. What did you just say?
I want to go to my next appointment alone?
"Appointment." That's it!
I have to rearrange my schedule tomorrow.
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this Kate thing once and for all.
Why is everyone having sudden realizations
based on what other people are saying?
"Based on." That's it!
Seriously? What did you realize?
Nothing. I just want to be included.
Good morning, Pat, Julie...
Person whose pants are on fire because she's a liar, liar.
Clark, I know you had no way to know this,
but my Uncle Howard died in a pants fire.
It's just lunch, Clark.
Is this about the mulch and cave scrapings
you made everyone eat yesterday?
How long are you gonna stay mad at me about this?
23 days.
(SCOFFS)
No.
23 business days.
Morning, Mr. Clark.
Here's a veggie breakfast burrito
to repay you for giving me your lunch yesterday.
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) I don't know what you're talking about.
Remember? You said it was a banh mi, but soon it would be in me.
You gave Juan-Julio your lunch yesterday?
It's just...
I didn't like it.
(STUTTERING) I couldn't admit it
because I had talked up vegan food so much,
but I guess vegan restaurants
are just like other restaurants.
Sometimes they suck.
Always they suck.
I'm just... I'm so sorry, Damona.
Please, can we never let food come between us again?
Okay. (CHUCKLES) Okay.
Except for ice cream cake.
Where there's ice cream cake, there are no friends.
I will blind a bitch for some ice cream cake.
(GAGS)
Oh, I'm sorry, Juan-Julio.
It's just, this burrito tastes...
Gross. I know.
It's payback for giving me your nasty lunch.
So we understand each other.
Have a wonderful day of smiles, everybody!
Kate!
Wow! Twice in one week.
Yeah.
What are you doing here?
I was about to see my...
Lactation consultant.
I haven't breastfed in over a decade.
Just want to make sure everything works
in case I go back to it.
You know, the kids eat so much junk. (CHUCKLES)
Right.
So, uh, I, I see you've got a new therapist.
Look, Dr. Park...
No need to explain. (CHUCKLES)
I'm a professional.
I'm sure you had your reasons for ending our sessions.
Oh, thank you. I appreciate that.
So, what were they?
Kate. Is everything okay?
Uh, nope.
Dr. Humes, this is Dr. Park.
She used to be my therapist.
Mmm. Hi. Oh. Yep.
You guys seem really good together.
Kate is a pleasure to treat.
She communicates very well.
Yeah, well, I kind of taught her how to do that,
so... (CHUCKLES) You're welcome.
Dr. Park, is something wrong?
No... Actually, yes.
Kate left me and lied about it.
Now she's out gallivanting around with her hot new piece
while I'm stuck at home with the kids.
Dr. Park, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.
I just wanted to see what else was out there.
Oh.
So, it was nothing I did?
No.
In fact, you're the one who taught me
to venture out and explore new options.
Oh, right. (CHUCKLES) I did do that.
Anyway, uh, it was nice to see you/ meet you.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
Oh, what about your appointment?
Oh, right, yes. This whole...
Yeah.
So, can you come at 10:00 next week instead of 11:00?
Oh, I think so. Good.
Yeah.
Okay. Yep.
Are you ready?
Ready as I'll ever be.
(EKG BEEPING STEADILY)
Ladies and gentlemen,
live from Welltopia's East Tower,
the one and only Dicky Wexler!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
DICKY: Good to see you. Good to see you.
Ta-da!
(ALL CHEERING)
Hey, great intro, Doc.
If only you were that good at curing cancer,
I'd be on a beach right now.
(ALL LAUGH)
My future ex-wife is here.
Hey, dollface, how about a sponge bath?
And if that goes well, you can give me one.
(ALL LAUGH)
What happens when you take a blob of cookie dough,
you put it in a cheap suit, and you give it chlamydia?
I don't know. Ask this guy. It's his life story.
(ALL LAUGH)
Very funny, but, seriously, I, I do not have any STDs.
Bug-free since '93.
Ah.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, You're a great audience.
Not great-looking.
I mean, come on. Look at you people.
A truck-stop gift shop doesn't have this many ugly mugs.
(ALL LAUGH)
We are not attractive.
(ALL LAUGHING)
DICKY: Man, it's great to be back at the Tropicana.
I lost my bag at the airport.
To be honest, she was ready to leave me anyway.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I tell you, Vegas sure is different than New York.
Here, you ask for a corned beef sandwich,
a hooker takes you up to your hotel room and robs you.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Hey, don't tell my wife.
I'm not supposed to eat corned beef.
(LAUGHS)
I joke about my wife, but to be honest, I love my mistress.
(CHUCKLES)
See you when I see you, pal.
(SIGHS DEEPLY)