Ken, hurry up!
This is why I wanted to check luggage.
I'm trying to save money, unlike Imelda Marcos over here,
who insisted on upgrading to a fancy rental car.
The first one they showed us had no seat belts.
Hey! You made me spill my macadamia nuts!
It's your fault.
When someone's text-walking, they have the right-of-way
'cause they can't see you.
Typical mainlander.
WOMAN: (OVER PA) Ladies and gentlemen,
Hawaiian Star Airlines flight 358 to Los Angeles
will now be delayed approximately three hours.
Oh, no! Are you kidding me?
(GROANS)
Oh, I guess I'm stuck in this seat for three hours.
Oh, my God, no seat belt. Hope I don't fall out.
Speaking of seats, ours are messed up.
You said you were gonna check them.
In my defense, I didn't check them.
Okay. Just saying 'in my defense' is not a defense.
In my defense, I thought it was.
(SIGHS)
There's only three of them together.
The fourth one's like 20 rows back.
I'll just hit the desk when the line dies down
and take care of "Uh-binness."
Can you just say it like a normal person?
I could if I wanted to pop less.
Ugh! What's wrong?
Trevor still hasn't texted me back.
It's been, like, forever.
Well, maybe that's because he's not a nice person
and doesn't deserve you.
Why are you guys so hard on Trevor?
Because he's not a nice person and doesn't deserve you.
Hey. It's Molly's life.
She can date whoever she wants...
Even a guy who thought it was okay
to come and meet her parents wearing flip-flops.
Exactly.
Flip-flops are basically the 'screw you' of footwear.
Yeah, right back at you, buddy!
Even if Trevor does text me back,
I'm not gonna get to see him.
I'm gonna die in this stupid airport.
I'm gonna take a walk.
Good idea, Dave. Get some exercise.
Can I have money for two Cinnabons?
Aww, that's sweet.
A cinny-b for your old man.
No, one to eat there and a roadie for the walk back.
Sir, everybody, please have patience. We'll be right with you.
Man, sick people make me sick!
What is going on? The waiting room is packed.
It's Black Monday.
Oh. Best wishes!
No! Black Monday is the first day back after the holidays.
It's the busiest day of the year.
(MOCKING) "Best wishes."
It's the height of flu season.
It's my least favorite season.
I love the smell of sick people in the morning.
Actually, they smell horrible.
That was just an homage to my favorite dramedy.
Apocalypse Now is a dramedy?
Oh, yeah, there's some drama in there.
It's not all laughs.
Anyway, we've got a ton of patients out there
in need of our care and compassion,
so let's move that meat.
Where's Dr. Park?
Oh, he's still in Hawaii.
Yeah, and the backup doctor,
Dr. Nayak, is out with the flu.
Oh, my God, it's the perfect storm.
Ah, The Perfect Storm.
That is my second favorite buddy comedy.
What's your favorite?
The Usual Suspects.
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, just six... Six buddies out on a lark.
So, for today, Dr. Dobbs,
you are the physician in charge.
So, my first day as lead physician
is on Black Monday?
Oh, God help us.
Oh, not 'cause of you.
That's just something we say on Black Monday.
Clark, can I get an amen?
Not for lying.
Ugh!
Still nothing from Trevor,
and I only have 3% battery left.
Aw. I'm only 3% interested.
I'm gonna just give you one big eye roll
to cover me for the rest of the day.
(HISSES)
If I get a text, come get me.
I'll be buying magazines like someone from the '50s.
(CHUCKLES) She thinks you're old.
Oh, look, there's no line.
Ooh. I know exactly how to handle this.
What are you doing?
I'm getting us all seats together
and probably some drink vouchers.
Ken, that never works.
It got me $5 off my tire rotation.
Oh, look, it's Dr. Oz. I love that guy.
(GASPS) Me, too.
Ooh, he's so handsome.
Whoa, whoa, put it back in your mom jeans, all right?
I should go say hello.
Say hello? You don't know him.
Eh, we're both doctors.
It's like how Prius owners always honk at each other.
Mom, those college kids are playing cards,
and they invited me to play.
That's nice, honey.
The buy-in is $20.
Dave, I don't think you should be gambling with strangers.
Yeah, you're right.
Want to help me finish my travel essay about our trip?
I'm gonna call it 'Hawaii Five-0, What A Wonderful Time.'
Here's $40.
If you take a bad beat, you could buy back in.
Well, thank you for watching. It means a lot.
All right, move it along.
Huzzah, huzzah. (CHUCKLES)
He's a very busy man. He doesn't want to be bothered.
(CHUCKLING) Geez.
People don't respect your space, huh?
Big smile. (LAUGHS)
Give me your number. I'll text it to you.
No, that's okay. Thank you.
Dr. Ken park, MD.
Just wanted to say 'sup, you know, doc to doc.
Oh, well, 'sup. Say, have a great flight.
Ooh! Got the new 8, huh?
Me, too. Thing's amazing, isn't it?
Yeah, it's great.
I, uh... I use it to get a lot of work done, so...
(CHUCKLES) By the way, I dig your show,
and my wife thinks you're hot, so back off!
(CHUCKLES) Will do.
Ooh, what if there's a medical emergency on the flight?
Hey, maybe you and I can double team a trach on a choker.
Wouldn't that be tight?
You don't really sound like a doctor.
Word.
I got a lot of stuff to do.
I'll bet. Listen,
I'm gonna give you a little freebie here.
I love your hard-hitting medical stuff,
but some of the lighter bits,
like when you had the audience
all check their underwear? (INHALES SHARPLY) Not my fave.
You know, I put in different kinds of segments
in order to please everybody.
Well, it did not please me.
Yeah, I got that from 'not my fave.'
Whoa, whoa, dude, take a knee.
I'm just trying to help you out here.
(CHUCKLES) I get it.
My sister is one of you people.
A Turkish American?
No. She's a TV doctor. Dr. Wendi.
And your show is even better than hers.
And you have a gorgeous head of TV hair.
Just lay off the undies. That's all I'm sayin'.
You know, people learn a lot about their health
from checking their underwear.
Yeah, but since that aired, I've had a parade of patients
waving their skivvies in front of me
like some sort of crusty flag...
Except it's not a flag, it's dirty undies,
which is pretty rough on a Monday, you feel me?
You know what? I don't feel you.
What I am feeling is you're sort of a jerk.
Seriously? That's how you treat a medical peer?
You're not my peer.
You're some stranger who accosted me in the airport
and starting criticizing my work.
You know, I'm starting to doubt that you're even a doctor.
You sound more like you're some '90s hip-hop wannabe.
Aw, snap! That's cold, G!
Homey, don't play that!
Go away. I'm going.
Good.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Okay, Dr. Dobbs, friendly reminder
that we are officially way behind
and you are heading into hour number two with Mrs. Heller.
I was just asking her about her 1990 knee surgery.
I wouldn't want to overlook anything.
Like the fact that she probably has the flu?
Or that everyone in her family has the flu?
Or that, in her own words, "I know my body,
"and I know I have the flu"?
Is she through with Mrs. Heller?
"Is she through with Mrs. Heller?"
She's not even through 1990 with Mrs. Heller!
Okay, okay.
(WHIMPERING) Hey.
Hey, Pat, man, you got to do something.
I've got 100 people in the waiting room
passing germs around like the LA damn Clippers!
I am way ahead of you.
What you gonna do?
I'm preparing to make a killing.
When life gives you phlegm, you make "phlegm-onade."
Juan-Julio, have you had your flu shot?
No. That's a shame.
We're going in.
Candy bars! Popcorn! Soda!
You can pay cash, credit,
or put it on your Welltopia card.
That's our preference. Don't touch me!
Hi. My family's seats got messed up,
and I need to get them all together.
Can you help me out?
Oh, I don't think so.
Oh, oh, come on. I'm sure you understand.
You must have a family.
No, but thank you for bringing up
something I'm very sensitive about.
I'll see what I can do.
(KEYS CLACKING)
Sorry. We're full.
You can find the person who has 15-D and ask them to switch.
Hopefully they'll have been as unlucky in love as me
and are traveling solo,
which is also the name of my blog.
(SIGHS) Okay, fine.
Any idea who's in 15-D?
That gentleman right over there.
Great.
(SIGHS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Mmm.
Four inches of hairless chest.
Let me bump you to first class.
Perfect. All four of us, please.
Sorry. I was being sarcastic.
I thought it was clear.
Not cool, lady.
That was a real roller coaster.
Okay, gents, the game is Five Card Stud,
deuces and one-eyed jacks wild, $2 ante.
Oh, wait.
This is my Old Maid deck.
Guess who I have to get to switch seats with me?
Here's a hint, he hates me.
You're gonna have to be more specific.
Neighbor? Relative? Teacher? Pharmacist?
Barista? Ooh, is it a dog?
It's Dr. Oz!
(CELLPHONE DINGS)
Trevor? (SIGHS) No, Tammi.
Trevor still hasn't texted back.
Little crap face.
I'll tell you, if that flip-flop-wearing,
toe-proud douche hurts my girl,
I'm going straight to his Facebook page
to write some really dark stuff under a false name.
Wow. You're a modern hero.
We can't get involved,
although if we could, I'd write this.
This is what she should text that loser.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Good one.
Adult language, graphic violence,
but it gets the message across.
You're dumped, son!
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
You're dumped, son.
Okay, now delete that before she gets back here and sees it.
You think? I'm not an idiot.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, my God, I accidentally hit 'send.'
(GASPS) I am an idiot!
Wait. You sent it? It was an accident! I have fat thumbs!
It's where I lose weight last.
What do I do?
Well, delete it! At least it won't be in her sent texts!
Let me!
My thumbs are like babies' pinkies.
Oh, God, this is a disaster.
We are so screwed.
Okay, Al, listen to me.
I love you...
But I'm gonna have to distance myself from this whole mess.
Let me know how it goes.
Oh! Thank God you're done.
Oh, no, Mr. Morton's just taking a bathroom break.
This is intermission.
Okay, Julie. Enough.
Have you seen the waiting room?
It looks like The Walk-in Dead.
I'm just being thorough,
and do you want to know why?
Is it a quick story?
There was one time when I wasn't thorough,
but now I am.
It was a quick story.
And now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to finish Mr. Morton's mole check.
He's here for the flu!
Is he?
ALL: Yes!
(IN GRAVELLY VOICE) Hey, Dr. Oz. Nice to meet you.
Big fan.
You really think just by putting a ball cap on,
I'm not gonna recognize you, Dr. Park?
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Damn it. This thing cost $27.
Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot, but I need your help.
My family's seats got messed up,
and you'd be doing me a huge solid
if you'd swap with me.
I mean seats, not wives...
Although I have a feeling Allison would be down for it.
And I assume your wife's a real smoke show.
(CHUCKLES)
Sorry, but I'm not switching seats.
But if you did, you wouldn't have to be in the middle.
I prefer the middle seat.
Really?
You're a big shot TV personality,
over six feet tall, and you prefer the middle?
It makes me feel safe.
Oh, good for you.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Hello, Dr. Oz. Nice to meet you.
Big fan... Nope.
Bollocks!
All right, now I'm going to do a series of coughs.
You tell me when I get to one that sounds like yours.
(SHORT COUGH)
(AIRY COUGH)
(COUGHS REPEATEDLY)
Hey! Who's the doctor here?
Now I got to start all over.
(SHORT COUGH) (KNOCK ON DOOR)
Doctor, a patient just fainted
in the waiting room. We need you.
What happened?
She came in with flu symptoms,
and she's been waiting for three hours.
She's dehydrated. Get her some orange juice.
Pulp or no pulp? Either way, it's $7.
Let's get these people some help.
Okay, I'm gonna see all of you guys
and get you home just as soon as I can.
Now, anyone with a fever, over here.
Clark's gonna take your vitals.
Anyone with no fever, over here.
I will get to you as soon as possible.
And if you're a drug seeker looking to score some Vicodin,
it's not gonna happen.
Whoa, slow down, Dr. Dobbs.
I've got Juan-Julio in the garage
making bacon-wrapped hot dogs.
(CELLPHONE DINGS)
Trevor?
No.
Listen, about that. There's something I should tell you.
(CELLPHONE DINGS)
Hah! Look!
"Mols, you mean so much to me.
"Need to see you."
Snowman, sunglasses, wink.
Aw!
See, mom? He is into me.
Yay.
(CELLPHONE DINGS)
Wow, he's so sweet,
texting me all this nice stuff out of the blue.
Truthfully, I was starting to think
you and dad were right about him.
(CELLPHONE DINGS)
(GIGGLES)
Okay, plenty of rest and fluids.
And remember, gas stations,
good for getting gas,
not great for getting flu shots.
Okay, let's keep it moving. Who's next?
Nobody. You saw them all.
Wow. That's incredible.
I can't believe we cleared out that waiting room.
Turns out I can be thorough and fast.
Girl, boom.
(CHUCKLES)
Guys, I want you to have these bacon-wrapped hot dogs
as a thank-you for all your hard work.
Oh, but, Mr. Pat,
you said if your employees ate these hot dogs,
it could be a tax write-off.
You specifically added that it was not a thank-you
for all their hard work.
You know, Juan-Julio,
I'd fire you if you hadn't found...
What you found in my trunk.
You know, Julie, you've been going nonstop.
Why don't you take a break?
Ugh. That's a plan. I'm exhausted.
Thank you, guys.
I never could have gotten through today
without your help and support.
Nope. It was all you.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh.
You got my 20 bucks?
Yes, we do, Thelma.
And let me tell you, that was some of the best
dramatic fainting I have ever seen. (CHUCKLES)
And that includes when my grandmother met Justin Bieber.
(CELLPHONE DINGS)
Again?
"Call me, call me, call me."
Mom, why do you think he's so into me all of a sudden?
(CHUCKLING) I... I don't know.
I got to say, it's feeling a little needy and desperate.
I know exactly what you mean, Mol.
You know, one of the things we liked about old Trev
was how confident he was,
with the no texting and the flip-flops,
but this... This is very unattractive.
I mean, myself,
I prefer a man who's cool and confident,
like your father.
Please!
Do you think I should break up with him?
(CHUCKLING) Oh, that's not something I should get involved in.
I just want you to be happy. (CHUCKLES)
And if weak and desperate makes you happy,
then you've hit the mother lode.
(CELLPHONE DINGS)
20 heart emojis?
Ew.
That's it. We're done.
"You're dumped, son." (CHUCKLES)
Come on. There's got to be something you can do.
Here. I'll give you this hat.
Ooh. An 'aloha' hat.
Those are hard to come by here in the aloha state.
Let me check one more thing.
(KEYS CLACKING)
Are you just typing randomly?
Yeah. I am.
Excuse me, Dr. Park.
I've been thinking about the feedback you gave me,
and you're right.
I think I should be doing some more hard-hitting stuff.
Attaboy, Ozzie. That wasn't so hard, was it?
No.
Anyway, my phone is dead, and I'm wondering
if you have the charger for the new 8.
Well, well, well. Hmm.
Well, well, well, well.
Can I use the charger or not?
If there was only something I needed that you have.
Fine. I'll switch seats with you.
And?
I'll pay for your dumb hat.
That's how we do.
Come on.
Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.
I actually do.
The Velcro is shot on these things.
Guess who just talked Dr. Oz into swapping.
Ah. Well, he is handsome.
Seats, Allison. Seats.
Oh, cool, cool, cool.
(OVER PA) Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your patience.
Flight 358 with service to Los Angeles
will now begin boarding.
Yes! Yes!
Dave, let's go!
Cash out! Okay!
My dad's calling me.
So, as the considerate man says to the toilet,
I leave you with a flush.
Pleasure doing business with you, fellas.
Good luck back at Arizona State.
Got to say, I thought a party school
would have had better poker players.
Hey, have fun in 32-A.
I'll see you on my way back to the bathroom
because your seat is 'a-bathroom' adjacent.
(LAUGHS)
Uh, excuse me.
Aren't we limited to two carry-ons?
'Cause he's got like nine.
Thank you, Dr. Oz.
You're gonna have to check them.
Oh, and I'll need a credit card
for the numerous baggage fees.
That's how we do.
(SCANNER BEEPS)
While you're checking all that baggage,
check your underwear.
Here you go, dad. For the baggage fees.
And this is for you.
Get yourself something nice.
(SCANNER BEEPS)