I don't get it.
I can't lose any weight,
I'm tired all the time,
I get cold super-easy.
Oh, are you stressed out at work?
Remind me again, what do you do for a living?
I own and operate an organic bakery truck.
Oh, yeah!
You're the hippie muffin girl.
I thought you smelled familiar.
Oh, your thyroid level is low,
which would explain your symptoms.
So, are you taking your synthroid every day?
Nah, I stopped it.
Stopped the med you're supposed to be taking every day.
Uh, why would you do that?
Well, the guy at whole foods told me to.
He said fish oil's what's up.
Good. Smart to listen to him.
You know what they say,
"Doctors are just people who couldn't hack it
"as grocery baggers."
(CHUCKLES)
Okay, look, here's what you need to know about synthroid.
For best results, the pill has to be in the body.
Who are you texting?
I just want to run this by Shep at whole foods.
"Shep, what's up?"
Hey!
Okay, look, you have a thyroid condition,
so you need to take your synthroid every day,
or there could be complications.
Oh, and PS., I had one of your "muffins" once,
and that brick used my colon as a runway.
Okay, that means it's working.
Are you this rude to all your patients?
Hey, hey. This man is a rare jewel.
He is the finest medical mind you will ever find...
...within your limited insurance coverage.
You wouldn't last a minute at whole foods.
Wow, you got off some good ones, boss.
Look, it's just so frustrating
to see a patient not take care of herself like that.
Which one you like, the grocery bagger?
Yeah, but I also liked the "medicine on the inside" bit
'cause it's funny and true.
I mean, they're all good.
You don't have to pick favorites.
Yeah, well...
Morning, fruit of my loins,
worshipper of my loins.
BOTH: Ew!
So you'll be home by 6:00? Why?
'Cause your parents are coming over for dinner.
Remember, you felt guilty 'cause you don't talk to them enough?
Right.
So I made you call and invite them.
(CLICKS TONGUE) I'm such a good son.
Do we have to have dinner with grandma and grandpa tonight?
It is so painful.
They always ask the same two questions.
(DEEP VOICE) "How's school?"
(NORMAL VOICE) and (DEEP VOICE) "You like a boy?"
I like when they come to dinner.
I find the long silences rather meditative.
Hey, we're all having dinner with your grandparents,
so I want smiles on your faces
and a good attitude.
(CHUCKLES)
This is gonna suck, man.
My parents aren't that bad. Yeah.
I look forward to watching them
push my food around on their plates.
Hey, that's Korean food rearrangement.
It's a sign of respect.
Ken, let's be honest, they don't like me.
They love you.
That's why, every time I try and talk to them,
they just sit there stone-faced
like Korean Mount Rushmore.
Oh, come on, everyone knows Korean Mount Rushmore
is that Gangnam style guy and that couple from Lost.
They're just not great conversationalists.
When my grandma died, they just said,
(KOREAN ACCENT) "Grandma dead.
"Here, candy."
(NORMAL VOICE) Besides, I'll be there, and I'm always your buffer.
Yeah, I guess.
You know how it works.
They talk to me, I talk to you,
you talk to me, I talk to them.
It's all good.
I'll buff you hard, baby.
Why does it always go to a sexual place with you?
You know I idle at horny.
Yeah!
Yay! (LAUGHS)
Now it's official.
You're not just a nurse...
you're a registered nurse.
I know. It's like going from streetwalker to escort.
(CHUCKLES)
Now, are you aware that this promotion
doesn't come with a pay increase?
Oh, yeah, it's not about the money for me.
(LAUGHS) I hope not.
You don't make enough for it to be about the money.
Okay.
I cannot wait to tell Dr. Ken about this.
He is gonna be so excited.
Uh-huh, sure, he totally is.
Your voice is so high I can never tell when you're covering.
(HIGH-PITCHED) I'm not!
Okay, look, I know our relationship can seem a little bit one-sided,
but at the end of the day, he is still my husband.
Sorry, what?
Oh, what, have you never heard that term "work husband"?
You didn't say work.
I'm sure I said work.
(CHUCKLING) That's weird.
Anyway, Dr. Ken is a man of medicine,
so this is the kind of thing that matters to him,
but more importantly, he is my friend.
He's gonna be really proud of me.
Man, I finally got one of those watches that counts your steps.
What took me so long?
217, 218...
Hey, Dr. Ken, I passed my boards.
I'm a registered nurse now.
That's amazing!
It knew when I stopped!
219, 220.
(DEEP VOICE) He seems really happy for you.
Oh, well, good, you're all here.
I have some delightful news to share.
You're dying? They're replacing you with a human?
Mustaches are cool again?
You were able to wipe your hard drive before the feds got to it?
How about I just tell you?
Our own Dr. Park received another patient-complaint form.
This being his third strike,
he is now required to attend physician...
..sensitivity training.
What, the bedside-manners seminar?
No!
That thing's like traffic school for doctors.
Mmm-hmm.
My assistant will send you the "deets."
I don't have an assistant, so I'll just tell you.
There's a session tonight at 5:00 right downstairs.
No, I'm not doing it.
I mean, what are they gonna do to me if I don't go?
I guess the worst thing that can happen is
you get called up by the board of review
and possibly lose your medical license.
Come on, Pat, that's redonkulous.
(LAUGHS)
There's got to be something you can do.
(SIGHS) I wish I could...
(CHUCKLING) ...make this moment last forever.
(PHONE RINGS)
Chello. Why haven't you left yet?
You're not gonna believe the hell I'm in.
They're making me go to this stupid bedside-manner seminar.
Oh, that's your hell?
I'm in real hell, Ken.
Your parents are here, and I'm getting Rushmored so hard right now.
I'm sorry. As a doctor, things come up.
Look, I'll be there as soon as I can.
But you're my buffer!
Get your ass home and start buffing.
Why do you always have to take it to a sexual place?
Hello?
(SIGHS) Hi. I'm Dr. Ken Park.
James Miller, chief happiness officer.
So, how long does this huckleberry usually take?
Four hours...
With a break in the middle for snacks.
Look, um, Jimbo,
I got a thing with the wife at the hiz-o.
(CHUCKLES)
Is there any way this whole deal-io could go a tad quicker?
People, Dr. Park here doesn't want you to have snacks!
Everybody okay with that?
No, no, no, no, I didn't say that.
No, I was just thinking maybe snacks to go, like, at the end?
I like to eat mine here.
I'm also gonna be eating yours.
Seems fair.
Does anyone want to switch seats with me?
I will.
Okay, you know, that doesn't help me.
Ken should be no later than 7:30.
Just FYI.
(WHISPERS) What time is it?
6:36.
So, Grandma,
did I tell you I got my license?
How's school?
Well, some of the classes are pretty...
You like a boy?
So, Ken tells me a bunch of small pets have been eaten
by coyotes in your neighborhood.
How's that going?
So-so.
6:37.
This is nice.
Remember, you can't help a patient
unless you are patient.
(COUGHING) Cliche.
Okay, let's change it up a little,
and since Dr. Park seems to have so much to say,
let's do a role-play where he has to deliver bad news.
I'll be the patient.
So, what's wrong with me, Doc?
Well, your tests came back,
and I'm very sorry to tell you that...
Why aren't you also looking at my wife?
I didn't know your wife was here.
I, uh, um... Welcome. Hi, Mrs. James.
Um, glad you could make it.
Uh, anyway, the results of your CAT Scan showed...
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Why didn't you catch this problem
when I came in for my physical three months ago?
Um, was there a physical three months ago?
Really, you forgot about my physical?
Oh, no! I... I... No, I didn't!
No, I... I... You told me.
I... I know this must be a very difficult time for you and your hus...
Why are you staring at my wife?
No, I mean, you said I was supposed to make eye contact with her.
Are you flirting with my wife...
...while you tell me I have cancer?
Why would I flirt with your fat, ugly wife
when you only have six months to live?
(GASPS)
Okay.
Who here thinks Dr. Park did a good job delivering the news?
Ugh!
That seminar was the worst four hours of my life,
and that includes the time I flew back from Tampa next to Jeremy Piven.
Mmm. I would've walked.
Right?
And then when I got home, Allison was furious at me
for missing dinner with my parents.
Why I chose that moment to try to fool around with her I have no idea.
But at least I got to figure out
who filed that last complaint.
I'll file one of my own if you don't wrap this story up.
It was that noncompliant,
fish-oily, samurai-topknot moron Sonja.
Anyway, who do I have first?
Let me give you a hint.
Samurai topknot.
Oh, look who it is.
Sonja.
Nice to see you again.
I gained another pound.
Huh. Let's see here.
Oh, your blood pressure is cowardly,
your thyroid level is deceitful,
and I studied your x-ray for an hour,
but I couldn't find a backbone!
What's with the hostility?
And why are you being so creative about it?
I know what you did. CLARK: Dr. Ken.
And you know what you did.
Dr. Ken!
And if you think you can just walk in here and...
She didn't file the complaint, I did.
Okay, Sonja, you're doing great.
Keep taking your synthroid every day.
Say hi to Shep for me. Okay, be well.
I'll see you. Bye.
You filed a patient-complaint form against me?
I thought perhaps you could use some help
with how you treat people.
I know how to deal with patients.
I'm not... I'm not talking about your bedside manner.
I'm talking about your "Friend-side" manner.
And I did not know that you were gonna have to go to some seminar
or about the whole four-strikes thing.
It's three strikes!
I'm not a baseball guy!
It's three strikes!
You don't have to be a baseball guy!
I was homeschooled.
Where, outer space?
No! Cooperstown, New York!
Cooperstown, New York?
Home of the Baseball Hall of Fame?
Clark, if you had a problem with me,
you should've talked to me about it.
I tried!
I always try, but you never listen.
You don't care,
even when it is something as important
as me becoming a registered nurse!
So I didn't throw you a parade.
As a doctor, I have a lot on my plate.
Look, I may not pay attention to every little thing you say,
but one thing I would never do...
Well, two if you include a devil's threesome...
...is sell out a friend.
Damona, I want a new nurse... (GASPS)
Preferably one who's not a rat.
Well, that works out great for me
because I want a new doctor,
preferably one who treats his nurse like a human being!
You go that way, I'll go this way!
Fine! Good!
The thing is, I really needed to go this way.
Dr. Ken, this is your nurse, Rick.
Dr. Sawyer, this is your nurse, Clark.
Have fun.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hey, Allison.
(CHUCKLING) You won't believe what a sucky day I've had.
(SARCASTICALLY) Aw, I wish I could feel sorry for you,
but I can't.
'Cause guess who's here again, the frickin' fun bunch.
And guess what, they brought their stink eye.
I felt guilty about missing dinner,
so I invited them back tonight.
Guess I forgot to tell you.
Great. Super. Just get home.
Okay, so, this next thing's really gonna feel like kerosene on a flame,
but I have that seminar again tonight.
Oh, my God. I'm gonna kill you.
Do you realize how...
Cell...cutting...
Out.
We're both on landlines, dum-dum.
Landline... Cutting...out.
Hey, guys, what's up?
(CHUCKLING) So, the drought.
That thing just rages on unabated, huh?
Hey, here's something.
How's, uh... How's Dr. Ken doing with his new...nurse?
Great!
They're going away together to palm springs this weekend.
Really? Nope.
Oh, thank god. I mean, whatevs.
It's all good.
Please, Clark! Stop this madness!
I can't eat. I can't sleep.
I went into the exam room,
and Dr. Ken was there with that other nurse,
and they were draining an abscess,
and it made me physically ill
because that should've been Dr. Ken and you!
Dr. Ken drains abscesses with someone else now.
Do something! What do you want me to do?
(STAMMERS)
Clark, wait.
Come here.
Always got me in people's business.
Hey.
Do you remember when you asked Dr. Ken
to write you a recommendation for the RN. Program?
(CLEARS THROAT)
"Clark Beavers is not only the best doctor's assistant
"I've ever worked with,
"he's also one of the finest people I've ever known."
Why are you stopping? Ow!
"Knowledgeable and eager to learn,
"he will be a shining asset to your program
"and a magnificent registered nurse."
Well...
(VOICE BREAKING) ...there is some new information there...
...which I will take under advisement.
Aw. I can't believe Dr. Ken wrote all those beautiful words.
He didn't. I wrote it, he signed it.
I'll take it.
Want a hug? Nope.
Well, I do. (GRUNTS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay, you know what?
I'm just gonna ask.
What's your deal?
Mom, what are you doing?
I mean, you just sit there, nothing to say to me.
You push your food around on your plate.
Yeah, I noticed.
Uh... I like a boy.
Why don't you like me?
We like you.
You very nice, Allison.
(CHUCKLES) It's okay. I can take it.
Do you think I'm not good enough for your son?
Oh, no, sometimes we think Ken not good enough for you.
What?
But he's the golden boy, the successful doctor.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
What? What's so funny?
Ken very arrogant about being doctor.
He start many sentence, "As a doctor..."
He does, constantly.
Yeah, the other day, he actually said,
"As a doctor,
"I don't have to observe common buffet etiquette."
(ALL LAUGHING)
You know what's ironic?
He couldn't be here tonight
because he had to go to doctor sensitivity training.
Yeah, anger management.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Ken always like that.
In third grade, his teacher give him special "angry room!"
(ALL LAUGHING)
And all these years, I thought you guys didn't like me.
Oh, no, no, no.
I even thought you hated my cooking.
Oh, yeah. Uh...
You bad cook. Yeah.
Your food tastes like garbage.
Okay, patient, you're gonna feel a little pressure
as I remove the tube.
Nurse, get me a cold compress!
Okay, you don't have to yell.
Okay, why is he talking? He's just a nurse.
Well, nurses have feelings, too.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, I've been by your side for eight years.
I'm more than just your nurse.
I'm your... (GASPS)
Go with it.
...friend.
Clark Beavers is my friend.
Where you going?
To be a better man.
And there it is!
I know your middle name is Leslie,
I know your birthday is February 29th,
so you like telling people that you're 10...
I know you've been studying for your nursing boards since last summer,
I know you were always picked last for kickball,
and most of all, I know and appreciate all you do for me.
Dr. Ken, make me the happiest man alive.
Reinstate me as your nurse.
Say yes! Say yes!
Yes. (SIGHS)
Dr. Park, your patient in exam room B is bleeding from the...
I got this.
Dr. Ken already has a nurse.
Good day. But he's bleeding.
I said good day, sir.
Well, tell me the truth.
Did Damona tell you all those things about me?
Not the kickball thing.
That felt like a pretty safe guess. (CHUCKLES)
I am not athletic. No, you are not.
No. Not at all, but I try.
Oh, my God, exam room B!
(SINGSONG VOICE) We got a bleeder.
Are you hugging yourself? No.
Hey, guys. Hey, Allison.
Sorry I left you with my parents again.
It actually wasn't so bad this time.
Yeah, it was kind of fun.
So, how was rage camp?
You know, I actually learned a little
about how to treat people better,
which is important because, as a doctor...
He said it! He said it!
Everybody gets a dollar!
Yay!
You get a dollar, you get a dollar.
No.
You don't get a dollar 'cause you too arrogant.
(ALL LAUGHING)