1 00:00:04,772 --> 00:00:06,474 Allison! Big D! 2 00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:07,941 (WHOOPING) 3 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,411 Shh! Reading. 4 00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:12,313 Okay, buzz killed. 5 00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:15,015 Time of death, 7:31. 6 00:00:15,083 --> 00:00:16,317 Where's Molly? 7 00:00:16,384 --> 00:00:17,818 At a party. 8 00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:21,355 A party on a weeknight? What is she, a rapper? 9 00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:24,258 What you reading there, animal? One of those Nancy Drews? 10 00:00:24,325 --> 00:00:27,528 No, Ken. Though happy 80th birthday to that reference. 11 00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:31,465 Our son is reading a biography of German chancellor Angela Merkel. 12 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:34,335 Oh, Angela. Didn't see that coming. 13 00:00:34,402 --> 00:00:36,870 Oh, no, she didn't! 14 00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:38,306 He's turning out weird. 15 00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:41,609 So, the Merkster. 16 00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:43,377 Merkelangelo. 17 00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:45,546 I'm familiar. Teutonic gal. 18 00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:46,847 Kind of looks like Paul McCartney. 19 00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:48,616 Please. She doesn't look like... 20 00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:52,720 Oh, yeah, that is Paul. 21 00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:55,389 Hey, buddy. Why don't you slap a bookmark in that brick, 22 00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:57,091 and we'll go hit Saddle Burger. 23 00:00:57,158 --> 00:01:00,194 They got a new 64-ounce milkshake that comes in a plastic boot. 24 00:01:00,261 --> 00:01:03,531 Let's bounce. I'll go grab my lactaid. 25 00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,499 What are you doing? We were reading. 26 00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:09,703 He can read anytime. But the milkshake boot's only available while supplies last. 27 00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:12,072 Dave, boot! 28 00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:14,875 I feel like you're always the one that does fun stuff with him. 29 00:01:14,942 --> 00:01:16,477 He sees you as the fun one. 30 00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:18,979 Aw, thanks. I really do make an effort with the boy. 31 00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:21,215 I'm serious. All I do is read with him. 32 00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:24,752 And bitch and moan to me about it, but continue. 33 00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:28,522 When he was little, we used to have all kinds of Mommy-Dave adventures. 34 00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:32,426 I would take him to the beach, the children's museum. 35 00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:34,728 Oh, my God. I can't remember the last time 36 00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:36,330 he and I did something fun together. 37 00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:38,532 Come on. Just last week, you took him 38 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,768 to that...place and he got a toy. 39 00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:43,137 That place was the dentist. 40 00:01:43,204 --> 00:01:44,972 The toy was a toothbrush. 41 00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:46,940 Okay, but you took him to that aquarium. 42 00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:49,042 That was also the dentist. 43 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,978 There's a fish tank in the lobby. 44 00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:52,746 The dentist sounds like a blast. 45 00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:54,682 Hey, maybe I should take him there. (CHUCKLES) 46 00:01:54,748 --> 00:01:56,016 Dave, come on! 47 00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:09,263 That was awesome, Dad. 48 00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:11,399 Here, Mom. Oh, thanks, Dave. 49 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:15,369 Wash it by hand. It says dishwasher-safe, but I don't want to risk it. 50 00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:18,071 (CLICKS TONGUE) Good night, partner. 51 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,107 So, you had a good time, huh? 52 00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:22,410 Well, tomorrow, he and I are gonna have a good time. 53 00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:25,179 I'm taking him on an old-school Mommy-Dave adventure. 54 00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:27,481 I need to show him that I can still be the fun one. 55 00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:30,651 Good for you, Bae. What are you gonna do? Saddle Burger? 56 00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:31,919 No. 57 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,222 Any lazy parent can take a kid to Saddle Burger. 58 00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:38,125 I'm gonna solidify our mother-son bond 59 00:02:38,192 --> 00:02:40,160 during this critical time in his development. 60 00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:41,795 So, Saddle Burger. 61 00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:43,297 (LAUGHING) No. 62 00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:44,632 I went online and found out 63 00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:46,334 the author of that Merkel biography 64 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,536 is doing a reading tomorrow night downtown. 65 00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:50,871 It's an hour away. It's gonna be like a mini road trip. 66 00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:53,040 And he gets to stay up late. Oh, he's gonna love it! 67 00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:55,943 Babe, stop selling. It's Merkel. I get it. 68 00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:59,680 Hey, guys. What's up? 69 00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:01,315 Hey, Mol. It's not even 9:00. 70 00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:03,050 What happened to the party? 71 00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:05,118 Okay, I'll tell you guys what happened 72 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,854 if you promise not to get mad at me. 73 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:10,391 I don't think we want to give up our right to get mad. 74 00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:12,159 We might end up wanting that. 75 00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:14,328 If we get mad, she won't tell us. 76 00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,330 Good point. Can we ask questions? 77 00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:18,266 Hmm, you each get one. 78 00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:20,133 I don't think we're gonna do better than this. 79 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,069 Fine. Proceed. 80 00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:24,572 Okay. The police came and shut down the party 81 00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:27,375 because some of the kids were drinking and they were underage. 82 00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:29,209 All right. Is there more? 83 00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:30,911 No, and not a wise use of your question. 84 00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:32,179 Damn! 85 00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:33,547 Hold on. 86 00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:36,149 Don't I get a question? Yes! Good question, Mom! 87 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,752 Damn. Stop. 88 00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:43,156 New game. It's called "Tell us if you were one of the kids who was drinking." 89 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,726 It's similar to scattergories, except you tell us 90 00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:49,196 if you were one of the kids who was drinking. 91 00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:51,198 I drank half a beer, but I thought it was gross, 92 00:03:51,265 --> 00:03:53,467 so I dumped it out on the lawn. 93 00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:56,304 Okay, honey. Thank you for telling us. 94 00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:57,905 You're welcome. Good night. 95 00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:06,914 "Thank you for telling us"? 96 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:10,284 It's called positively reinforcing our daughter's honesty. 97 00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:14,187 Okay, while we're doing that, I'm thinking boarding school, the marines, 98 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,656 something in the religious world? 99 00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:19,226 Listen to you. I thought you were the fun one. 100 00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:21,729 I'm fun with Dave. Molly's a raging alcoholic! 101 00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:23,964 Okay, okay, Ken. 102 00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:26,099 Take a knee. Let's just talk this through. 103 00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:27,801 Oh, I know what you're gonna say. 104 00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:31,038 "I'm Allison, our daughter was honest with us, 105 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:36,076 "just like I was with my hippie parents on that groovy commune." 106 00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:38,178 Look, there's no reason to make this into a thing. 107 00:04:38,245 --> 00:04:41,415 But it is a thing. Our teenage daughter was drinking. 108 00:04:41,482 --> 00:04:42,783 You know what my dad did to me 109 00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:44,452 the one time he caught me drinking? 110 00:04:44,518 --> 00:04:45,619 This! 111 00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:47,688 He burned you? 112 00:04:47,755 --> 00:04:49,590 No, he said, "I'm a-disappointed." 113 00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:51,291 For over an hour. 114 00:04:51,359 --> 00:04:53,327 I finally nodded off and fell on my mom's curling iron. 115 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:57,731 But the point is, he didn't just do nothing. 116 00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,200 Remember when you thought Molly snuck out 117 00:05:00,267 --> 00:05:03,170 and I said we should back off, but you couldn't let it go? What happened? 118 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,438 I went a little rogue. 119 00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:05,906 And then? To a rave. 120 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,174 And ended up? In jail. 121 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,476 Right. 122 00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:09,877 This time, we do it my way. 123 00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:12,112 Hey, I did my time! 124 00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:14,648 Society forgave me. Why can't you? 125 00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:15,949 Thug life, yo! 126 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:25,426 People, I'm gonna say a number, 127 00:05:25,493 --> 00:05:27,595 and I want you to tell me what you think it represents. 128 00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:28,929 Seventy seven. 129 00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,864 Your I.Q. How many girls you had to ask to the prom? 130 00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:32,299 The number of times you cried this week. 131 00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:33,434 The year you bought that suit? 132 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,770 The number of one-armed push-ups you can do? 133 00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:40,808 I don't have your guys' seniority. 134 00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,342 Latex gloves. 135 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,378 Yesterday alone, this wing of the clinic 136 00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:48,315 used 77 pairs of these bad boys. 137 00:05:48,382 --> 00:05:52,319 From now on, don't automatically put them on for every appointment. 138 00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:54,354 You know, wait till things start to get... 139 00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:57,558 Prostate-y. 140 00:05:57,625 --> 00:06:00,761 Pat, why don't you go climb into the MRI machine with all the people who like you. 141 00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:06,133 Okay. But I'll be back. 142 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,868 (CHUCKLING) I didn't mean that threateningly. 143 00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:10,471 It's just I work here and I often pass this way. 144 00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:15,676 Limit our glove use? That is crazy fo' sho. 145 00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:17,511 Unh-unh, don't do that. Really? 146 00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:19,379 We're not at that place where we can playfully draw upon 147 00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:20,948 each other's stereotypes for emphasis? 148 00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:22,550 No, you spit on me when you said "fo' sho." 149 00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:24,284 Oh. 150 00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:27,488 Man, that guy always manages to come in when I'm in a bad mood. 151 00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:30,323 Ohh, what's crunching your crackers, Dr. Ken? 152 00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,827 Molly. She's been drinking. 153 00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,763 A lot? Half a beer. 154 00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:39,600 Or as they call it in Korea, a whore's breakfast. 155 00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:41,268 And Allison doesn't even think we should... 156 00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:44,037 I'm sorry I'm late, everyone, but there's a reason. 157 00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:45,973 Topher and I broke up. (GASPS) 158 00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:54,548 Anyway, Allison doesn't even want to punish her. 159 00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:56,416 So I'm supposed to just sit by and watch 160 00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:59,787 while my daughter turns into Dudley Moore from Arthur. 161 00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:01,722 Or Russell Brand from Arthur! 162 00:07:01,789 --> 00:07:03,624 Or Russell Brand! 163 00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:07,628 It seems like the right response for half a beer. 164 00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:09,296 Okay, Damona, accurate sarcasm 165 00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:11,665 is not what Dr. Ken needs right now. 166 00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:13,767 He needs a hug. 167 00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:16,504 Oh, okay, okay, all right. Okay, I have read this wrong. 168 00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:20,908 Sounds like this marital conflict 169 00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:24,077 isn't just about not wanting to take hip-hop dance classes. 170 00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:26,346 It's about teenage drinking. 171 00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:28,381 First of all, I'm taking the class without her and it's fine. 172 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,851 I'm partnered with the teacher. 173 00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:33,554 But you're right. What am I gonna do? 174 00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:37,024 Well, when my mom caught me sneaking a glass of wine, 175 00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:39,827 she sat me down and made me drink the whole bottle. 176 00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:42,630 You know what? I think your mom had it figured out. 177 00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,164 Definitely, she figured out 178 00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:46,266 how to give a 14-year-old a Chablis dependency. 179 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,169 Wait. 180 00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:51,138 You're gonna make Molly drink until she gets sick? 181 00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:55,108 No. I'm gonna sit her down, let her drink, 182 00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:57,511 and educate her about what it does to people 183 00:07:57,578 --> 00:07:59,947 because that's what doctors do. 184 00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:01,481 And that's what I'm gonna do 185 00:08:01,549 --> 00:08:03,350 the moment I get home from hip-hop class. 186 00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:16,129 Hello, Molly. 187 00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:17,565 Aah! Aah. 188 00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,199 Where are you going? 189 00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:21,034 To a party at Kyle Cronin's house. 190 00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:22,903 Mmm-mmm. Mom said I could go. 191 00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:24,805 Well, mom's not here, is she? 192 00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,273 Seriously. Is she? 193 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,209 It's not even a big party. 194 00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:31,378 It's just some kids hanging out. And it's two blocks away. 195 00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:34,047 Well, you know which house is no blocks away? 196 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,215 Here. 197 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,952 You're making me stay home? I drank half a beer. 198 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:43,156 (LAUGHS) I'm not gonna even tell you what they call that in Korea. 199 00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:46,760 Look, you're obviously at an age where you're around drinking, so... 200 00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:49,429 I just want to show you the effects of alcohol on the human body 201 00:08:49,496 --> 00:08:51,364 so you can make responsible decisions. 202 00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:53,366 (SIGHS) I cannot believe this. 203 00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:56,303 Well, believe it, 'cause it's happening, and that is fo' sho. 204 00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,339 Ew. Sorry. 205 00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:01,174 I get spitty when I go urban, so... 206 00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:04,444 Just hear me out. 207 00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:06,446 The gloved hand does the dirty work. 208 00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:08,281 You know, all the... And... 209 00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:10,618 Ugh. 210 00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:15,122 But the bare hand takes care of more pedestrian tasks, 211 00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:18,458 like writing stuff down or high-fiving the patient 212 00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:20,994 when the gloved hand finds there's nothing wrong. 213 00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:26,166 I was about to go home early, and then I realized, 214 00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:28,736 my place is here with all of you. 215 00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:33,774 You know, with the whole Topher thing. 216 00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:36,844 Does no one care about my emotional life? 217 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,779 I'm not sure I know who you are. 218 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:44,785 Excuse me, but that is Dr. Julie... 219 00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:46,620 Oh, my God, this is the wrong moment 220 00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,121 for me to have blanked on her last name. 221 00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:50,490 Wow. 222 00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:52,960 Honey, you work at a mid-level HMO. 223 00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:54,728 Where the supervisor counts our gloves. 224 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,897 What did you think it was gonna be like, Grey's Anatomy? 225 00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:59,166 Yes, I did. 226 00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:03,270 Grey's Anatomy is the reason I wanted to become a doctor. 227 00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:08,308 The drama, the romance, and much more attractive people. 228 00:10:10,577 --> 00:10:11,845 Hey. 229 00:10:11,912 --> 00:10:14,214 They are as God made them. 230 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:17,785 I don't know what y'all talking about. I look good. 231 00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:20,754 I thought that what was going on in our personal lives 232 00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:23,190 would neatly dovetail with what was going on with work. 233 00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:24,591 You know, like... 234 00:10:24,658 --> 00:10:27,327 "What are we gonna do about this hypertension?" 235 00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:31,498 And "what are we gonna do about this sexual tension?" 236 00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:35,635 And I thought that maybe, just maybe, 237 00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:38,739 I would find my person. 238 00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:42,676 But I guess that doesn't happen here 239 00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:44,211 at this impersonal clinic, 240 00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:46,546 where average-looking people greet you 241 00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:48,281 with above-average apathy. 242 00:10:50,117 --> 00:10:51,618 So now I know. 243 00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:54,387 Aw. 244 00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,124 You seem upset. 245 00:10:58,225 --> 00:10:59,326 Here. 246 00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:04,297 Have half a tissue. 247 00:11:10,637 --> 00:11:12,072 Do you think he'll read about 248 00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:13,473 Angela's early years as a chemist 249 00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:15,208 or focus on her rise to power? 250 00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:17,110 Mm, maybe he'll do both, Dave. 251 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,712 Don't tease me, Mom. 252 00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:22,916 Are we gonna be late? 253 00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:24,451 (CHUCKLING) No. 254 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:27,487 'Cause your awesome mom left a time cushion. 255 00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:29,556 Oh, crap. I missed the turn. 256 00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:33,560 (TIRES SCREECHING) 257 00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,464 Mom, was that an illegal U-turn? 258 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,933 (CHUCKLING) No. (SIREN WAILING) 259 00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,705 Mom, was that every major swear word in a row? 260 00:11:47,741 --> 00:11:49,743 Might have been, Dave. Might have been. 261 00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:54,614 Alcohol is absorbed directly into the bloodstream 262 00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:56,616 through the lining of the mouth... 263 00:11:56,683 --> 00:11:58,518 And the tissue that line the stomach and the small intestine. 264 00:11:58,585 --> 00:12:01,554 Please don't interrupt. 265 00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:05,092 And the tissue that lines the stomach and the small intestine. 266 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,694 Once in your bloodstream, 267 00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,196 it's carried to the organs of your body within... 268 00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:10,497 90 seconds. 269 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:13,600 No, within about 90 seconds. 270 00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:17,670 Dad, I know all this. Please let me go. 271 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:20,740 Molly, there's a difference between knowing it 272 00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:22,575 and experiencing it. 273 00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:25,712 Just go ahead and take a sip. 274 00:12:25,779 --> 00:12:27,314 I don't want to. 275 00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:30,383 Seriously, it's okay. I'm just trying to create a safe space 276 00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:31,551 for you to try this. 277 00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:34,654 Fine. 278 00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,292 Ew. This tastes like rust. 279 00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:41,128 Really? This is a nice cab. 280 00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:46,266 (LAUGHING) Oh, man, I needed that. 281 00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:51,538 Any idea why I pulled you over? 282 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,206 Not really. 283 00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,242 Was it for hanging that sick U-ey? 284 00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:56,476 Bingo. 285 00:12:58,011 --> 00:13:00,247 Very dangerous maneuver, ma'am. 286 00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:02,482 Agreed. 287 00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:03,951 I'll be back in a minute. 288 00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,286 Wait, Officer. 289 00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:10,523 (CHUCKLING) I am... 290 00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:12,425 I'm really sorry about what I did. I... 291 00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:14,727 But surely a tall, handsome officer like you 292 00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:19,332 could find a way to forgive a sweet, silly woman like me? 293 00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:20,800 Please, sir? 294 00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,904 Ma'am, I'm not a sir. 295 00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,305 Copy that. 296 00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,119 Ahh. 297 00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:43,390 Now, how was I able to drink that so fast? 298 00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:46,626 Here's a secret big daiquiri doesn't want you to know. 299 00:13:48,028 --> 00:13:50,263 The fructose in the strawberry 300 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:52,665 masks the taste of the alcohol. 301 00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:54,267 It masks it. 302 00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:58,005 "Hey, I'm the alcohol. Where did I go?" 303 00:13:58,071 --> 00:13:59,572 Behind a mask. 304 00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:04,077 Okay. Next lesson, shots. 305 00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:05,612 Maybe you should slow down. 306 00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,280 Maybe you should stop being my mommy. 307 00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:12,052 The thing to keep in mind when doing shots is body mass. 308 00:14:12,119 --> 00:14:13,620 How much do you weigh? 309 00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:15,355 We weigh exactly the same, Dad. 310 00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,925 96 pounds. 311 00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:19,692 Psst. We should share jeans. 312 00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:26,799 The point is, this will affect you and me the exact same way. 313 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,101 L'chaim. 314 00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:31,738 Whoo! 315 00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:33,273 That was noice! 316 00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:34,507 (LAUGHS) 317 00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:36,843 Man, this is fun. We're having fun. 318 00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:39,279 "Yes, we are." (LAUGHS) 319 00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:40,680 Of course we are. 320 00:14:40,747 --> 00:14:42,415 (HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING) 321 00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:46,619 The reading's full. 322 00:14:46,686 --> 00:14:49,156 No, seriously? For this guy? 323 00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,426 No offense. I'm sure it's great. 324 00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:56,229 It's okay, Mom. 325 00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:59,432 Hey, why don't we call dad and meet him at Saddle Burger? 326 00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:01,935 No, no, no, no, no, Dave. That's your fun thing with dad. 327 00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:04,004 We can have fun things, too. 328 00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:06,039 Here. Wait over there, honey. 329 00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:09,109 Uh...sir? 330 00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:10,243 I... 331 00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:11,578 "Sir," right? 332 00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:14,814 Here's the thing, um... 333 00:15:14,881 --> 00:15:18,218 My son and I used to do all this great stuff together, 334 00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:19,552 and now it's all going away. 335 00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:20,920 Why is it going away? 336 00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:25,325 Well, because... He's...not well. 337 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:31,664 Oh, so this is kind of a make-a-wish thing for him? 338 00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:33,700 Sure. 339 00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:38,038 Oh, my God, I am so sorry. 340 00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:39,639 Uh, hang on. 341 00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:41,608 (INDISTINCT WHISPERING) 342 00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:48,148 He's so brave. 343 00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:49,882 My little fighter. 344 00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:58,458 (SLURRING) This morning, 345 00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:01,394 this morning, I saw a raccoon 346 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,596 stealing toys from the Ericsons' dog house, 347 00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:06,133 and I was like, "you get out of here!" 348 00:16:09,869 --> 00:16:11,171 (CRYING) 349 00:16:13,773 --> 00:16:16,243 I love your mother so much, man. 350 00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:20,780 You should respect your mother. 351 00:16:20,847 --> 00:16:24,217 Although she overdoes it, she has good intentions. 352 00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:28,955 And then that raccoon disrespected me! 353 00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:31,158 You're not making any sense, Dad. 354 00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:33,126 Aha! 355 00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:36,063 That's what I'm trying to teach you, girl. 356 00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:38,965 It's the all-o-col. 357 00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:40,967 It messes with your judgment. 358 00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:44,137 So, can I go to that party? 359 00:16:44,904 --> 00:16:46,106 You better. 360 00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:50,510 Thanks, Dad. You sure you're okay? 361 00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:53,180 We live in the golden age of salted caramel. 362 00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:54,347 Enjoy it. 363 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:02,389 (GERMAN ACCENT) It was those weekends in Dusseldorf 364 00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:05,692 with her uncle Zigmund where young Angela 365 00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:09,296 first discovered the joy of political discourse. 366 00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,264 (SNORING) 367 00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:16,269 Is he okay? 368 00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:17,970 Yeah, he's fine. 369 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,940 I mean... Every snore is a gift. 370 00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:29,149 And then he got totally wasted 371 00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:33,019 and shared some very regressive thoughts on the WNBA. 372 00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:36,489 It was the most uncomfortable night of my life. 373 00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,425 Molly! Ow! 374 00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:39,592 Molly! 375 00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:41,461 Oh, God. 376 00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:45,098 This is called a second wind. 377 00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:47,334 (EXHALES DEEPLY) 378 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,468 (LAUGHS) 379 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:51,371 Molly. 380 00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:53,406 I love you so much. 381 00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,910 I used to give her a bath! 382 00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:04,151 What were you thinking? 383 00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:05,652 I was trying to teach Molly a lesson, 384 00:18:05,718 --> 00:18:07,420 and I guess the wheels kind of came off. 385 00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:09,021 Kind of? 386 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,490 When I came home, you were in the Ericsons' driveway, 387 00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:11,891 chasing their cocker spaniel with a rake 388 00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:13,360 'cause you thought it was a raccoon. 389 00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:17,430 I was protecting my family. 390 00:18:17,497 --> 00:18:21,234 We agreed to deal with Molly my way this time. And what did you do? 391 00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:23,069 I went a little rogue. And then? 392 00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:24,637 Got drunk and fought a dog. 393 00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:25,772 And now you need? 394 00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:27,073 A rabies shot. 395 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:31,511 Look, I'm sorry. I completely screwed up. 396 00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:33,813 (LAUGHS) 397 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,249 History just keeps repeating itself, doesn't it? Ugh! 398 00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:39,786 I am not America's dad. 399 00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:41,954 Well, I'm not America's mom, either. 400 00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:44,524 What's wrong with us? 401 00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:46,025 We've been parents for 16 years. 402 00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:47,794 We should be better at it by now. 403 00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,061 Dave didn't like the Merkel dude? 404 00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,897 He slept through it, 405 00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,132 and that was after I got nabbed for an illegal U-ey, 406 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,634 accidentally hit on a lady cop, 407 00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:56,002 and pretended Dave was terminally ill. 408 00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:58,305 You hit on a lady cop? 409 00:18:58,371 --> 00:19:01,040 Whatever you're picturing, picture the opposite. 410 00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:05,044 Still plays. 411 00:19:05,111 --> 00:19:07,614 Hey, Mom, can we have another adventure like last night? 412 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,081 Really? You had a good time? 413 00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,350 I thought you fell asleep. 414 00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:12,719 I did, but mom drove super-fast, 415 00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:15,288 said a bunch of swear words, and the cops came. 416 00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:16,856 It was badass! 417 00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:20,627 You know what, Dave? It was badass. 418 00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:22,495 And we're gonna do it again soon. 419 00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:25,765 Hey. 420 00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,467 Oh, hey, guess what, Molly. 421 00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:30,437 I'm wearing your jeans. 422 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,142 Molly, Molly, wait. 423 00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:38,611 I'm sorry. 424 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,847 Yeah, you should be. You humiliated me. 425 00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:42,549 You looked like a complete idiot, 426 00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:44,150 and trust me, I am never gonna drink, 427 00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:46,886 because I never want to look like you did last night. 428 00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:48,054 Dave. 429 00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:55,295 Did you hear that? 430 00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,630 She's never gonna drink! It worked! 431 00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:00,533 I'm a good dad! 432 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,101 And I'm a badass mom! 433 00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:04,036 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 434 00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:06,172 You know what? Maybe we're getting the hang of 435 00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:07,640 this parenting thing after all. 436 00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,576 Fo' sho. Ugh. 437 00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:10,910 Did I spit on you? 438 00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:12,979 No, it's just racially uncool. 439 00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:14,247 Got it. 440 00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:23,756 Julie? 441 00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:29,028 I also watch the Grey's Anatomy. 442 00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:33,666 And I was thinking that maybe I could be your person. 443 00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:38,104 That is so sweet. Hmm. 444 00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:39,739 Especially with this whole Topher thing 445 00:20:39,806 --> 00:20:42,141 and not having anyone here to share it with. 446 00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:46,045 I mean, I know deep down he might not be the one. No, no. 447 00:20:46,112 --> 00:20:47,714 Excuse me. Dr. Julie Dobbs? 448 00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:52,985 Can I help you? 449 00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:55,488 Yes. I'm new here. Can you take me to the file room 450 00:20:55,555 --> 00:20:57,089 and show me how to file these? 451 00:20:58,057 --> 00:20:59,426 Oh, my God. 452 00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:03,262 Do you know how rude it is to interrupt a doctor 453 00:21:03,330 --> 00:21:05,432 when she's talking to her person? 454 00:21:05,498 --> 00:21:07,734 But I just wanted to... A-bup-bup! Rude! 455 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,002 Just find the door that says "file room," bro. 456 00:21:15,207 --> 00:21:17,910 Super annoying. Anyway... 457 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,348 I just don't know 458 00:21:21,414 --> 00:21:24,216 how I'm ever gonna find someone else, you know? 459 00:21:26,319 --> 00:21:27,354 Okay.