Allison! Big D!
(WHOOPING)
Shh! Reading.
Okay, buzz killed.
Time of death, 7:31.
Where's Molly?
At a party.
A party on a weeknight? What is she, a rapper?
What you reading there, animal? One of those Nancy Drews?
No, Ken. Though happy 80th birthday to that reference.
Our son is reading a biography of German chancellor Angela Merkel.
Oh, Angela. Didn't see that coming.
Oh, no, she didn't!
He's turning out weird.
So, the Merkster.
Merkelangelo.
I'm familiar. Teutonic gal.
Kind of looks like Paul McCartney.
Please. She doesn't look like...
Oh, yeah, that is Paul.
Hey, buddy. Why don't you slap a bookmark in that brick,
and we'll go hit Saddle Burger.
They got a new 64-ounce milkshake that comes in a plastic boot.
Let's bounce. I'll go grab my lactaid.
What are you doing? We were reading.
He can read anytime. But the milkshake boot's only available while supplies last.
Dave, boot!
I feel like you're always the one that does fun stuff with him.
He sees you as the fun one.
Aw, thanks. I really do make an effort with the boy.
I'm serious. All I do is read with him.
And bitch and moan to me about it, but continue.
When he was little, we used to have all kinds of Mommy-Dave adventures.
I would take him to the beach, the children's museum.
Oh, my God. I can't remember the last time
he and I did something fun together.
Come on. Just last week, you took him
to that...place and he got a toy.
That place was the dentist.
The toy was a toothbrush.
Okay, but you took him to that aquarium.
That was also the dentist.
There's a fish tank in the lobby.
The dentist sounds like a blast.
Hey, maybe I should take him there. (CHUCKLES)
Dave, come on!
That was awesome, Dad.
Here, Mom. Oh, thanks, Dave.
Wash it by hand. It says dishwasher-safe, but I don't want to risk it.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Good night, partner.
So, you had a good time, huh?
Well, tomorrow, he and I are gonna have a good time.
I'm taking him on an old-school Mommy-Dave adventure.
I need to show him that I can still be the fun one.
Good for you, Bae. What are you gonna do? Saddle Burger?
No.
Any lazy parent can take a kid to Saddle Burger.
I'm gonna solidify our mother-son bond
during this critical time in his development.
So, Saddle Burger.
(LAUGHING) No.
I went online and found out
the author of that Merkel biography
is doing a reading tomorrow night downtown.
It's an hour away. It's gonna be like a mini road trip.
And he gets to stay up late. Oh, he's gonna love it!
Babe, stop selling. It's Merkel. I get it.
Hey, guys. What's up?
Hey, Mol. It's not even 9:00.
What happened to the party?
Okay, I'll tell you guys what happened
if you promise not to get mad at me.
I don't think we want to give up our right to get mad.
We might end up wanting that.
If we get mad, she won't tell us.
Good point. Can we ask questions?
Hmm, you each get one.
I don't think we're gonna do better than this.
Fine. Proceed.
Okay. The police came and shut down the party
because some of the kids were drinking and they were underage.
All right. Is there more?
No, and not a wise use of your question.
Damn!
Hold on.
Don't I get a question? Yes! Good question, Mom!
Damn. Stop.
New game. It's called "Tell us if you were one of the kids who was drinking."
It's similar to scattergories, except you tell us
if you were one of the kids who was drinking.
I drank half a beer, but I thought it was gross,
so I dumped it out on the lawn.
Okay, honey. Thank you for telling us.
You're welcome. Good night.
"Thank you for telling us"?
It's called positively reinforcing our daughter's honesty.
Okay, while we're doing that, I'm thinking boarding school, the marines,
something in the religious world?
Listen to you. I thought you were the fun one.
I'm fun with Dave. Molly's a raging alcoholic!
Okay, okay, Ken.
Take a knee. Let's just talk this through.
Oh, I know what you're gonna say.
"I'm Allison, our daughter was honest with us,
"just like I was with my hippie parents on that groovy commune."
Look, there's no reason to make this into a thing.
But it is a thing. Our teenage daughter was drinking.
You know what my dad did to me
the one time he caught me drinking?
This!
He burned you?
No, he said, "I'm a-disappointed."
For over an hour.
I finally nodded off and fell on my mom's curling iron.
But the point is, he didn't just do nothing.
Remember when you thought Molly snuck out
and I said we should back off, but you couldn't let it go? What happened?
I went a little rogue.
And then? To a rave.
And ended up? In jail.
Right.
This time, we do it my way.
Hey, I did my time!
Society forgave me. Why can't you?
Thug life, yo!
People, I'm gonna say a number,
and I want you to tell me what you think it represents.
Seventy seven.
Your I.Q. How many girls you had to ask to the prom?
The number of times you cried this week.
The year you bought that suit?
The number of one-armed push-ups you can do?
I don't have your guys' seniority.
Latex gloves.
Yesterday alone, this wing of the clinic
used 77 pairs of these bad boys.
From now on, don't automatically put them on for every appointment.
You know, wait till things start to get...
Prostate-y.
Pat, why don't you go climb into the MRI machine with all the people who like you.
Okay. But I'll be back.
(CHUCKLING) I didn't mean that threateningly.
It's just I work here and I often pass this way.
Limit our glove use? That is crazy fo' sho.
Unh-unh, don't do that. Really?
We're not at that place where we can playfully draw upon
each other's stereotypes for emphasis?
No, you spit on me when you said "fo' sho."
Oh.
Man, that guy always manages to come in when I'm in a bad mood.
Ohh, what's crunching your crackers, Dr. Ken?
Molly. She's been drinking.
A lot? Half a beer.
Or as they call it in Korea, a whore's breakfast.
And Allison doesn't even think we should...
I'm sorry I'm late, everyone, but there's a reason.
Topher and I broke up. (GASPS)
Anyway, Allison doesn't even want to punish her.
So I'm supposed to just sit by and watch
while my daughter turns into Dudley Moore from Arthur.
Or Russell Brand from Arthur!
Or Russell Brand!
It seems like the right response for half a beer.
Okay, Damona, accurate sarcasm
is not what Dr. Ken needs right now.
He needs a hug.
Oh, okay, okay, all right. Okay, I have read this wrong.
Sounds like this marital conflict
isn't just about not wanting to take hip-hop dance classes.
It's about teenage drinking.
First of all, I'm taking the class without her and it's fine.
I'm partnered with the teacher.
But you're right. What am I gonna do?
Well, when my mom caught me sneaking a glass of wine,
she sat me down and made me drink the whole bottle.
You know what? I think your mom had it figured out.
Definitely, she figured out
how to give a 14-year-old a Chablis dependency.
Wait.
You're gonna make Molly drink until she gets sick?
No. I'm gonna sit her down, let her drink,
and educate her about what it does to people
because that's what doctors do.
And that's what I'm gonna do
the moment I get home from hip-hop class.
Hello, Molly.
Aah! Aah.
Where are you going?
To a party at Kyle Cronin's house.
Mmm-mmm. Mom said I could go.
Well, mom's not here, is she?
Seriously. Is she?
It's not even a big party.
It's just some kids hanging out. And it's two blocks away.
Well, you know which house is no blocks away?
Here.
You're making me stay home? I drank half a beer.
(LAUGHS) I'm not gonna even tell you what they call that in Korea.
Look, you're obviously at an age where you're around drinking, so...
I just want to show you the effects of alcohol on the human body
so you can make responsible decisions.
(SIGHS) I cannot believe this.
Well, believe it, 'cause it's happening, and that is fo' sho.
Ew. Sorry.
I get spitty when I go urban, so...
Just hear me out.
The gloved hand does the dirty work.
You know, all the... And...
Ugh.
But the bare hand takes care of more pedestrian tasks,
like writing stuff down or high-fiving the patient
when the gloved hand finds there's nothing wrong.
I was about to go home early, and then I realized,
my place is here with all of you.
You know, with the whole Topher thing.
Does no one care about my emotional life?
I'm not sure I know who you are.
Excuse me, but that is Dr. Julie...
Oh, my God, this is the wrong moment
for me to have blanked on her last name.
Wow.
Honey, you work at a mid-level HMO.
Where the supervisor counts our gloves.
What did you think it was gonna be like, Grey's Anatomy?
Yes, I did.
Grey's Anatomy is the reason I wanted to become a doctor.
The drama, the romance, and much more attractive people.
Hey.
They are as God made them.
I don't know what y'all talking about. I look good.
I thought that what was going on in our personal lives
would neatly dovetail with what was going on with work.
You know, like...
"What are we gonna do about this hypertension?"
And "what are we gonna do about this sexual tension?"
And I thought that maybe, just maybe,
I would find my person.
But I guess that doesn't happen here
at this impersonal clinic,
where average-looking people greet you
with above-average apathy.
So now I know.
Aw.
You seem upset.
Here.
Have half a tissue.
Do you think he'll read about
Angela's early years as a chemist
or focus on her rise to power?
Mm, maybe he'll do both, Dave.
Don't tease me, Mom.
Are we gonna be late?
(CHUCKLING) No.
'Cause your awesome mom left a time cushion.
Oh, crap. I missed the turn.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Mom, was that an illegal U-turn?
(CHUCKLING) No. (SIREN WAILING)
Mom, was that every major swear word in a row?
Might have been, Dave. Might have been.
Alcohol is absorbed directly into the bloodstream
through the lining of the mouth...
And the tissue that line the stomach and the small intestine.
Please don't interrupt.
And the tissue that lines the stomach and the small intestine.
Once in your bloodstream,
it's carried to the organs of your body within...
90 seconds.
No, within about 90 seconds.
Dad, I know all this. Please let me go.
Molly, there's a difference between knowing it
and experiencing it.
Just go ahead and take a sip.
I don't want to.
Seriously, it's okay. I'm just trying to create a safe space
for you to try this.
Fine.
Ew. This tastes like rust.
Really? This is a nice cab.
(LAUGHING) Oh, man, I needed that.
Any idea why I pulled you over?
Not really.
Was it for hanging that sick U-ey?
Bingo.
Very dangerous maneuver, ma'am.
Agreed.
I'll be back in a minute.
Wait, Officer.
(CHUCKLING) I am...
I'm really sorry about what I did. I...
But surely a tall, handsome officer like you
could find a way to forgive a sweet, silly woman like me?
Please, sir?
Ma'am, I'm not a sir.
Copy that.
Ahh.
Now, how was I able to drink that so fast?
Here's a secret big daiquiri doesn't want you to know.
The fructose in the strawberry
masks the taste of the alcohol.
It masks it.
"Hey, I'm the alcohol. Where did I go?"
Behind a mask.
Okay. Next lesson, shots.
Maybe you should slow down.
Maybe you should stop being my mommy.
The thing to keep in mind when doing shots is body mass.
How much do you weigh?
We weigh exactly the same, Dad.
96 pounds.
Psst. We should share jeans.
The point is, this will affect you and me the exact same way.
L'chaim.
Whoo!
That was noice!
(LAUGHS)
Man, this is fun. We're having fun.
"Yes, we are." (LAUGHS)
Of course we are.
(HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING)
The reading's full.
No, seriously? For this guy?
No offense. I'm sure it's great.
It's okay, Mom.
Hey, why don't we call dad and meet him at Saddle Burger?
No, no, no, no, no, Dave. That's your fun thing with dad.
We can have fun things, too.
Here. Wait over there, honey.
Uh...sir?
I...
"Sir," right?
Here's the thing, um...
My son and I used to do all this great stuff together,
and now it's all going away.
Why is it going away?
Well, because... He's...not well.
Oh, so this is kind of a make-a-wish thing for him?
Sure.
Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
Uh, hang on.
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
He's so brave.
My little fighter.
(SLURRING) This morning,
this morning, I saw a raccoon
stealing toys from the Ericsons' dog house,
and I was like, "you get out of here!"
(CRYING)
I love your mother so much, man.
You should respect your mother.
Although she overdoes it, she has good intentions.
And then that raccoon disrespected me!
You're not making any sense, Dad.
Aha!
That's what I'm trying to teach you, girl.
It's the all-o-col.
It messes with your judgment.
So, can I go to that party?
You better.
Thanks, Dad. You sure you're okay?
We live in the golden age of salted caramel.
Enjoy it.
(GERMAN ACCENT) It was those weekends in Dusseldorf
with her uncle Zigmund where young Angela
first discovered the joy of political discourse.
(SNORING)
Is he okay?
Yeah, he's fine.
I mean... Every snore is a gift.
And then he got totally wasted
and shared some very regressive thoughts on the WNBA.
It was the most uncomfortable night of my life.
Molly! Ow!
Molly!
Oh, God.
This is called a second wind.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
(LAUGHS)
Molly.
I love you so much.
I used to give her a bath!
What were you thinking?
I was trying to teach Molly a lesson,
and I guess the wheels kind of came off.
Kind of?
When I came home, you were in the Ericsons' driveway,
chasing their cocker spaniel with a rake
'cause you thought it was a raccoon.
I was protecting my family.
We agreed to deal with Molly my way this time. And what did you do?
I went a little rogue. And then?
Got drunk and fought a dog.
And now you need?
A rabies shot.
Look, I'm sorry. I completely screwed up.
(LAUGHS)
History just keeps repeating itself, doesn't it? Ugh!
I am not America's dad.
Well, I'm not America's mom, either.
What's wrong with us?
We've been parents for 16 years.
We should be better at it by now.
Dave didn't like the Merkel dude?
He slept through it,
and that was after I got nabbed for an illegal U-ey,
accidentally hit on a lady cop,
and pretended Dave was terminally ill.
You hit on a lady cop?
Whatever you're picturing, picture the opposite.
Still plays.
Hey, Mom, can we have another adventure like last night?
Really? You had a good time?
I thought you fell asleep.
I did, but mom drove super-fast,
said a bunch of swear words, and the cops came.
It was badass!
You know what, Dave? It was badass.
And we're gonna do it again soon.
Hey.
Oh, hey, guess what, Molly.
I'm wearing your jeans.
Molly, Molly, wait.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, you should be. You humiliated me.
You looked like a complete idiot,
and trust me, I am never gonna drink,
because I never want to look like you did last night.
Dave.
Did you hear that?
She's never gonna drink! It worked!
I'm a good dad!
And I'm a badass mom!
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
You know what? Maybe we're getting the hang of
this parenting thing after all.
Fo' sho. Ugh.
Did I spit on you?
No, it's just racially uncool.
Got it.
Julie?
I also watch the Grey's Anatomy.
And I was thinking that maybe I could be your person.
That is so sweet. Hmm.
Especially with this whole Topher thing
and not having anyone here to share it with.
I mean, I know deep down he might not be the one. No, no.
Excuse me. Dr. Julie Dobbs?
Can I help you?
Yes. I'm new here. Can you take me to the file room
and show me how to file these?
Oh, my God.
Do you know how rude it is to interrupt a doctor
when she's talking to her person?
But I just wanted to... A-bup-bup! Rude!
Just find the door that says "file room," bro.
Super annoying. Anyway...
I just don't know
how I'm ever gonna find someone else, you know?
Okay.