1 00:00:07,162 --> 00:00:09,231 Thom: Previously on "Happyish"... 2 00:00:09,264 --> 00:00:10,732 Keebler talks about real. 3 00:00:10,765 --> 00:00:12,801 Real ingredients, real chips, real, real, real, 4 00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,704 and yet these are their spokespeople. 5 00:00:15,737 --> 00:00:17,239 Cartoons. 6 00:00:17,272 --> 00:00:18,707 ( snaps fingers ) 7 00:00:18,740 --> 00:00:21,176 Thom: Holy shit. Midgets? 8 00:00:21,210 --> 00:00:22,177 Do midgets test well? 9 00:00:22,211 --> 00:00:24,413 - Top directors. - Ken Burns. 10 00:00:24,446 --> 00:00:26,248 - Rob Reiner. - Rob Reiner? 11 00:00:26,281 --> 00:00:30,119 We have an opportunity here to do something that resonates. 12 00:00:30,152 --> 00:00:32,354 Think-- think Cassavetes. 13 00:00:32,387 --> 00:00:34,489 Uh, think the Maysle brothers. 14 00:00:34,523 --> 00:00:37,426 - How's Fast Eddie? - His fever's coming down. 15 00:00:37,459 --> 00:00:39,494 We're not out of the woods yet, though, but we're close. 16 00:00:39,528 --> 00:00:40,729 Fast Eddie. 17 00:00:40,762 --> 00:00:42,564 You feeling better, son? 18 00:00:42,597 --> 00:00:44,566 Okay, that-- that's good. 19 00:00:44,599 --> 00:00:47,402 I love it. I love it. Now let's try it again. 20 00:00:47,436 --> 00:00:49,438 46 fucking years I gave that company. 21 00:00:49,471 --> 00:00:52,141 Ernie, Ernie, no one's gonna fire you. 22 00:00:52,174 --> 00:00:53,408 You fucking pussy. 23 00:00:53,442 --> 00:00:54,843 You'll be lucky if they don't fire you. 24 00:00:54,876 --> 00:00:55,810 ( gunshot ) 25 00:01:01,350 --> 00:01:03,385 Thom: It's only for five days. 26 00:01:03,418 --> 00:01:04,719 I'll be back before you know it. 27 00:01:04,753 --> 00:01:07,256 - But why? - Because it's my job. 28 00:01:07,289 --> 00:01:09,158 Because, you know, it's-- I make commercials, 29 00:01:09,191 --> 00:01:11,293 and they make commercials in Los Angeles. 30 00:01:11,326 --> 00:01:13,662 But you were just there. 31 00:01:13,695 --> 00:01:16,265 I know, and I hate going away. 32 00:01:16,298 --> 00:01:18,467 I really do, but it's only for a few days. 33 00:01:18,500 --> 00:01:21,336 Until my friend Gottfrid comes, and he can take over. 34 00:01:21,370 --> 00:01:24,139 But you said Gottfrid was an asshole. 35 00:01:24,173 --> 00:01:26,375 Okay, you don't use language like that. 36 00:01:26,408 --> 00:01:29,378 You know, I used that word once and I shouldn't have. 37 00:01:31,346 --> 00:01:33,748 Hey, I wonder if they have toy stores in Los Angeles. 38 00:01:33,782 --> 00:01:37,152 Well, can you get me a surprise? 39 00:01:37,186 --> 00:01:39,354 Well, that's if they have toy stores in Los Angeles. 40 00:01:39,388 --> 00:01:42,324 - iPad! iPad! iPad! - iPad? Hang on, dude. We-- we talked about this. 41 00:01:42,357 --> 00:01:44,226 You're too young to have an iPad all to yourself. 42 00:01:44,259 --> 00:01:45,794 But Fitzgerald has one. 43 00:01:45,827 --> 00:01:47,762 Does that make him any happier? 44 00:01:47,796 --> 00:01:49,731 Uh, yes? 45 00:01:49,764 --> 00:01:54,203 - ( laughing ) - It does, Dad. 46 00:01:54,236 --> 00:01:55,837 Come on, let's go. 47 00:01:55,870 --> 00:01:57,672 Come on. 48 00:01:59,441 --> 00:02:02,377 Okay. I'm gonna get you something, okay? 49 00:02:02,411 --> 00:02:04,346 If they have toy stores there. 50 00:02:04,379 --> 00:02:06,548 - Dad. - You know something? 51 00:02:06,581 --> 00:02:08,950 I'm gonna miss you so, so much. 52 00:02:08,983 --> 00:02:12,153 - I love you. - I love you, too. 53 00:02:13,688 --> 00:02:15,924 Five days, okay? 54 00:02:15,957 --> 00:02:17,426 Promise? 55 00:02:17,459 --> 00:02:18,893 I promise. 56 00:02:21,796 --> 00:02:23,398 I'll be home soon, buddy. 57 00:02:25,434 --> 00:02:26,435 Okay. 58 00:02:26,468 --> 00:02:28,270 All right. Thank you. 59 00:02:49,658 --> 00:02:52,827 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 60 00:02:52,861 --> 00:02:55,497 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 61 00:02:55,530 --> 00:02:58,433 * If you're happy and you know it, then motherfucking show it * 62 00:02:58,467 --> 00:03:01,303 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your motherfucking hands * 63 00:03:01,336 --> 00:03:05,340 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! * 64 00:03:05,374 --> 00:03:09,311 Thom: You know who the first marketing genius was? 65 00:03:09,344 --> 00:03:13,715 Jesus Christ, chief marketing officer, God Incorporated. 66 00:03:13,748 --> 00:03:16,585 His big campaign for God? "We'll save you." 67 00:03:16,618 --> 00:03:18,253 Great campaign. Went totally viral. 68 00:03:18,287 --> 00:03:22,491 Jesus was so good that we still use his marketing plan today. 69 00:03:22,524 --> 00:03:24,659 We'll save you from death, 70 00:03:24,693 --> 00:03:27,396 misery, time. 71 00:03:27,429 --> 00:03:30,265 We'll even save your dick. 72 00:03:30,299 --> 00:03:33,402 Jesus Christ himself didn't even claim to save dicks. 73 00:03:33,435 --> 00:03:35,470 We have Mercedes now, God. 74 00:03:35,504 --> 00:03:37,606 We have Porsche convertibles. 75 00:03:37,639 --> 00:03:40,241 We have LA. 76 00:03:47,048 --> 00:03:50,018 In 1963, legendary ad man David Ogilvy 77 00:03:50,051 --> 00:03:53,388 published his "Confessions of an Advertising Man." 78 00:03:55,657 --> 00:03:57,392 Three years later in 1966, 79 00:03:57,426 --> 00:04:00,462 "Time" magazine declared that God was dead. 80 00:04:00,495 --> 00:04:02,564 They were wrong, though. He wasn't dead. 81 00:04:02,597 --> 00:04:04,032 He just went out of business. 82 00:04:04,065 --> 00:04:05,800 Did the client approve Rob's changes to wardrobe? 83 00:04:05,834 --> 00:04:06,901 We sent it to 'em this morning. 84 00:04:06,935 --> 00:04:08,903 What changes to the wardrobe? 85 00:04:08,937 --> 00:04:10,739 - Rob didn't like JJ's pants. - That's not his call. 86 00:04:10,772 --> 00:04:12,641 We're checking with the client, Mikal. Relax. 87 00:04:12,674 --> 00:04:14,809 Anybody got a copy of the script? 88 00:04:24,553 --> 00:04:26,755 Did the client approve Rob's changes to the dialogue? 89 00:04:26,788 --> 00:04:27,756 We sent it to 'em this morning. 90 00:04:27,789 --> 00:04:29,391 What changes to the dialogue? 91 00:04:29,424 --> 00:04:31,393 Rob didn't like JJ's speech about the cookie factory. 92 00:04:31,426 --> 00:04:32,727 It's not his call. 93 00:04:32,761 --> 00:04:34,929 We're checking with the client, Mikal. Relax. 94 00:04:34,963 --> 00:04:37,699 Does anybody have a copy of the script? 95 00:04:37,732 --> 00:04:39,067 Hey. It's me. 96 00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:42,537 It's, uh, 6:30 a.m., "Beverly Hell" time, 97 00:04:42,571 --> 00:04:45,607 which, I guess that means it's 9:30 where you-- 98 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:46,941 shit, you'll be at school. 99 00:04:46,975 --> 00:04:49,077 I just wanted to say good morning to Jules. 100 00:04:49,110 --> 00:04:51,112 But anyhow, I have my bags, 101 00:04:51,145 --> 00:04:53,448 and I'll go straight to the airport after the shoot. 102 00:04:53,482 --> 00:04:54,416 Call me. Bye. 103 00:04:56,751 --> 00:04:59,488 Hey, thanks for staying. 104 00:04:59,521 --> 00:05:01,423 Wasn't my choice. 105 00:05:01,456 --> 00:05:02,957 Film looks great. 106 00:05:02,991 --> 00:05:04,993 It's not a film. It's a commercial. 107 00:05:05,026 --> 00:05:07,429 Gottfrid's shitty commercial. 108 00:05:07,462 --> 00:05:09,130 And he should have covered it himself. 109 00:05:09,163 --> 00:05:11,099 Well, he's on the last flight out tonight. 110 00:05:11,132 --> 00:05:13,001 He'll be out here while they cut it and you'll be home. 111 00:05:13,034 --> 00:05:15,670 - What time's your flight? - 7:00 p.m. LAX. 112 00:05:15,704 --> 00:05:17,071 - We'll get you there. - Okay. 113 00:05:17,105 --> 00:05:20,141 And, remember, however badly you wanna go, 114 00:05:20,174 --> 00:05:22,944 it's not half as much as we want you gone. 115 00:05:25,447 --> 00:05:28,583 ( birds giggling ) 116 00:05:28,617 --> 00:05:29,951 Hey, you know how much this costs? 117 00:05:29,984 --> 00:05:31,119 Like, a thousand dollars. 118 00:05:31,152 --> 00:05:33,855 Like, $10,000. 119 00:05:33,888 --> 00:05:36,157 - Hey, guess what. - What? 120 00:05:36,190 --> 00:05:38,727 - Guess who's coming home tomorrow. - Who? 121 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:40,762 - Your dad, you silly. - I know. 122 00:05:40,795 --> 00:05:42,130 Fitzgerald: Hey, you can't play it. 123 00:05:42,163 --> 00:05:44,999 This has a retina display. Did you know that? 124 00:05:45,033 --> 00:05:47,736 It's, like, a million resolutions. 125 00:05:47,769 --> 00:05:49,170 He's been gone a long time, huh? 126 00:05:49,203 --> 00:05:50,672 Fitzgerald: We're a Mac family. 127 00:05:50,705 --> 00:05:51,973 I bet you're not a Mac family. 128 00:05:52,006 --> 00:05:53,575 'Cause we think different. 129 00:05:53,608 --> 00:05:54,809 I bet you don't think different. 130 00:05:54,843 --> 00:05:56,411 Hey, you know what I was thinking? 131 00:05:56,445 --> 00:05:59,013 I was thinking maybe we have a surprise party for him, hmm? 132 00:05:59,047 --> 00:06:01,883 He doesn't get home until the morning, but I thought maybe-- 133 00:06:01,916 --> 00:06:04,719 maybe we could set up for it after school today? 134 00:06:04,753 --> 00:06:06,455 Right? Make a sign? 135 00:06:06,488 --> 00:06:08,823 Maybe you could blow up some balloons? 136 00:06:08,857 --> 00:06:10,692 You think Dad would like it? 137 00:06:10,725 --> 00:06:12,861 - Julius: Okay. - Lee: Okay. 138 00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:14,896 Dude, come here. 139 00:06:14,929 --> 00:06:16,498 I love you. 140 00:06:16,531 --> 00:06:18,467 I love you too, Mom. 141 00:06:20,201 --> 00:06:22,971 Fitzgerald: My dad has one, too. And my mom. 142 00:06:27,542 --> 00:06:29,177 ( chatter ) 143 00:06:29,210 --> 00:06:32,481 - ( sighs ) - Man: Hey, Mr. Reiner. 144 00:06:37,886 --> 00:06:40,088 Man: Last looks are up. 145 00:06:43,224 --> 00:06:44,926 Hey, Lee, it's me. 146 00:06:44,959 --> 00:06:46,561 Um, where are you? 147 00:06:46,595 --> 00:06:50,164 I've been calling you all morning, and, um... 148 00:06:50,198 --> 00:06:51,666 you know, just-- 149 00:06:51,700 --> 00:06:54,936 well, I'm in hell, so call me. 150 00:06:54,969 --> 00:06:56,538 Man: We're losing light, people. 151 00:06:56,571 --> 00:06:58,707 The client doesn't like JJ's delivery. 152 00:06:58,740 --> 00:07:00,642 I know, that's-- I told Reiner. 153 00:07:00,675 --> 00:07:02,677 Debbie: They think he's too miserable. 154 00:07:02,711 --> 00:07:03,778 That's what I just told Reiner. 155 00:07:03,812 --> 00:07:04,879 Go tell him again. 156 00:07:04,913 --> 00:07:05,947 I'm trying not to piss him off. 157 00:07:05,980 --> 00:07:07,916 That was take 15, Thom. 158 00:07:07,949 --> 00:07:09,884 You're the one who has to be out of here by 5:00. 159 00:07:09,918 --> 00:07:11,920 Man: Roll sound. 160 00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:14,923 - Roll camera. - Ready? And action. 161 00:07:29,538 --> 00:07:30,605 Knock, knock. 162 00:07:32,974 --> 00:07:34,943 Cookie for your thoughts. 163 00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:36,778 JJ: Went to the factory today, Pop. 164 00:07:36,811 --> 00:07:39,113 Cookie Manufacturers International. 165 00:07:39,147 --> 00:07:41,015 You should see the setup they have there-- 166 00:07:41,049 --> 00:07:43,718 robots, machines. 167 00:07:43,752 --> 00:07:46,120 Gonna put us out of business, Pop. I know it. 168 00:07:46,154 --> 00:07:48,590 And after all your hard work, Pop, 169 00:07:48,623 --> 00:07:49,691 it ain't right. 170 00:07:49,724 --> 00:07:51,259 It ain't right, Pop. 171 00:07:51,292 --> 00:07:52,226 Listen to me, JJ. 172 00:07:52,260 --> 00:07:55,730 We have something they can never compete with. 173 00:07:55,764 --> 00:07:57,298 What's that? 174 00:07:57,331 --> 00:07:58,499 Love. 175 00:08:04,906 --> 00:08:06,541 ( spitting ) 176 00:08:07,876 --> 00:08:09,778 Is this a fucking cookie?! 177 00:08:09,811 --> 00:08:11,546 Fuck. 178 00:08:11,580 --> 00:08:14,749 - I'm gluten intolerant, you shit heel! - Man: Cut! 179 00:08:14,783 --> 00:08:16,885 Ernie: How many fucking times have I told you 180 00:08:16,918 --> 00:08:18,319 no actual cookies?! 181 00:08:18,352 --> 00:08:20,088 Man: Props. Where the fuck is props? 182 00:08:20,121 --> 00:08:23,725 Do you know what wheat does to my fucking stom-- oh. 183 00:08:23,758 --> 00:08:25,827 - Oh, God. - ( farting ) 184 00:08:25,860 --> 00:08:27,295 Oh, God. I need a toilet. 185 00:08:27,328 --> 00:08:29,163 Oh, God. 186 00:08:29,197 --> 00:08:30,732 I need a fucking toilet! 187 00:08:30,765 --> 00:08:32,033 ( groans ) 188 00:08:32,066 --> 00:08:33,067 Man: Stand, people. 189 00:08:33,101 --> 00:08:36,671 ( groaning ) Wardrobe! 190 00:08:36,705 --> 00:08:38,006 - Wardrobe! - Fuck! 191 00:08:38,039 --> 00:08:39,173 Red leather, yellow leather. 192 00:08:39,207 --> 00:08:40,174 Red leather, yellow leather. 193 00:08:40,208 --> 00:08:42,143 Brown leather. Aah! 194 00:08:42,176 --> 00:08:45,079 - So it can't be fixed? - Well, it's off warranty. 195 00:08:45,113 --> 00:08:47,081 And by the time you send it back and they fix it, 196 00:08:47,115 --> 00:08:49,618 it's probably cheaper to just get a new one. 197 00:08:49,651 --> 00:08:51,185 Okay, how much is that gonna cost me? 198 00:08:51,219 --> 00:08:52,921 Do you wanna stay with a BlackBerry? 199 00:08:52,954 --> 00:08:54,022 Are you a BlackBerry person? 200 00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:55,590 Am I a BlackBerry person? 201 00:08:55,624 --> 00:08:57,225 No, I'm not a BlackBerry person. 202 00:08:57,258 --> 00:09:00,995 Because, honestly, for the money, I would go with the iPhone. 203 00:09:01,029 --> 00:09:02,163 We're having a special this week-- 204 00:09:02,196 --> 00:09:03,798 Okay. Okay, listen to me. 205 00:09:03,832 --> 00:09:07,035 Are we dating? Have we gone dancing? Gone out to dinner? 206 00:09:07,068 --> 00:09:08,970 No, so don't try to fuck me. 207 00:09:09,003 --> 00:09:10,639 I know all the games. I know the tricks. 208 00:09:10,672 --> 00:09:11,906 So I'm gonna ask you really nicely. 209 00:09:11,940 --> 00:09:13,174 Do not try to fuck me. 210 00:09:13,207 --> 00:09:15,143 I will not try that. 211 00:09:15,176 --> 00:09:17,211 Okay, thank you. Sorry, I'm just-- 212 00:09:17,245 --> 00:09:19,914 - It's stressful. - Yeah, it is. 213 00:09:19,948 --> 00:09:21,950 I know. I go crazy when my phone dies. 214 00:09:21,983 --> 00:09:24,352 - Do you wanna look at the iPhone? - No, I don't want an iPhone. 215 00:09:24,385 --> 00:09:26,621 - They're very popular. - That's why I don't want one. 216 00:09:26,655 --> 00:09:28,156 Okay, well, let's just see what else we have. 217 00:09:28,189 --> 00:09:29,858 - Great. - Okay. 218 00:09:35,930 --> 00:09:38,032 Dour? What does that mean, dour? 219 00:09:38,066 --> 00:09:40,334 It means gloomy, glum, morose. 220 00:09:40,368 --> 00:09:42,036 No, I know what the fucking word-- 221 00:09:42,070 --> 00:09:43,638 He's playing it like it's Shakespeare, Thom. 222 00:09:43,672 --> 00:09:45,306 - They want him less down. - Okay, okay, all right. 223 00:09:45,339 --> 00:09:47,942 His father works day and night. 224 00:09:47,976 --> 00:09:50,344 - He's about to lose his job, so I don't know how happy-- - They're elves. 225 00:09:50,378 --> 00:09:52,146 I thought they wanted it more fucking real! 226 00:09:52,180 --> 00:09:53,381 - That was the whole point of this. - Shh. 227 00:09:53,414 --> 00:09:54,983 Let's go talk to the client, then. 228 00:09:55,016 --> 00:09:56,685 Okay, I need-- that taxi to the airport 229 00:09:56,718 --> 00:09:58,386 - needs to be here in two hours. - Okay, okay. 230 00:09:58,419 --> 00:09:59,854 Come and talk to the client. 231 00:09:59,888 --> 00:10:01,122 - Two fucking hours. - Shh! 232 00:10:01,155 --> 00:10:02,223 Thom: Hey. How you doing? 233 00:10:02,256 --> 00:10:04,726 Good to see you again. 234 00:10:04,759 --> 00:10:07,896 Man: Picture's up. Roll sound. 235 00:10:07,929 --> 00:10:09,197 - Roll camera. - Okay. 236 00:10:09,230 --> 00:10:11,700 - Ready, and-- - Whoa. Whoa, sorry. 237 00:10:11,733 --> 00:10:13,267 - What? What? What? What? - Cut. 238 00:10:13,301 --> 00:10:15,804 The client thinks that JJ is a bit too dour. 239 00:10:15,837 --> 00:10:17,972 - Dour? - Down. 240 00:10:18,006 --> 00:10:19,407 I know what "dour" means. 241 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:22,110 Yeah. I think they just want him up a bit. 242 00:10:23,712 --> 00:10:25,780 His father is about to be laid off. 243 00:10:25,814 --> 00:10:27,148 I know. I explained that. 244 00:10:27,181 --> 00:10:29,350 - He works night and day. - I understand that. 245 00:10:29,383 --> 00:10:32,086 - I have Laker tickets tonight. - Okay, I didn't know that. 246 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:33,755 Yeah. Are you gonna fuck up my Laker tickets? 247 00:10:33,788 --> 00:10:35,156 - No, Rob. No. - No? 248 00:10:35,189 --> 00:10:37,158 I think you should just lift him-- just make him be up. 249 00:10:37,191 --> 00:10:40,695 - That would solve it. - Yeah? You want him up? 250 00:10:40,729 --> 00:10:42,430 - You tell him. - Rob, you're the director. 251 00:10:42,463 --> 00:10:46,034 Yeah. Yeah. Well, the guy is a fucking asshole. 252 00:10:46,067 --> 00:10:47,902 You want him up, you tell him. 253 00:10:47,936 --> 00:10:49,337 Tell me what, Reiner? 254 00:10:49,370 --> 00:10:52,006 Uh, you know that last take was great... 255 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:53,775 - Oh, here we go. - No, no, no, no. 256 00:10:53,808 --> 00:10:57,178 I just was thinking that maybe the next time 257 00:10:57,211 --> 00:10:58,446 we try it-- I don't know. 258 00:10:58,479 --> 00:11:02,083 How do you say it? A little bit more up. 259 00:11:02,116 --> 00:11:04,285 My father's getting laid off. 260 00:11:04,318 --> 00:11:06,254 Yeah, we both actually talked about that, 261 00:11:06,287 --> 00:11:07,388 but we-- I-- well, I think-- 262 00:11:07,421 --> 00:11:09,390 No, asshole, you don't think. 263 00:11:09,423 --> 00:11:12,794 I am a classically-trained actor, okay? 264 00:11:12,827 --> 00:11:14,829 You wanna know where I was last week this time? 265 00:11:14,863 --> 00:11:18,733 Off-Broadway playing Willy Loman, that's where. 266 00:11:18,767 --> 00:11:21,069 So I think I know how to play a fuckin' layoff scene. 267 00:11:21,102 --> 00:11:22,236 Fair enough. 268 00:11:22,270 --> 00:11:23,838 But we thought if you-- 269 00:11:23,872 --> 00:11:25,439 instead of playing JJ down, 270 00:11:25,473 --> 00:11:27,241 you're trying to cheer Ernie up. 271 00:11:27,275 --> 00:11:30,344 Who the fuck is directing this piece of shit? 272 00:11:30,378 --> 00:11:33,281 You, pinhead, or that pinhead? 273 00:11:33,314 --> 00:11:34,983 You know what? Don't tell me. 274 00:11:35,016 --> 00:11:36,250 I'm fuckin' out of here. 275 00:11:36,284 --> 00:11:38,219 I knew it! I knew it! 276 00:11:38,252 --> 00:11:40,488 There goes my fuckin' Laker game! 277 00:11:40,521 --> 00:11:42,824 Thank you! 278 00:11:42,857 --> 00:11:44,993 All right, take five. 279 00:11:52,967 --> 00:11:55,870 ( engine revving ) 280 00:11:57,271 --> 00:11:59,240 ( brakes squealing ) 281 00:11:59,273 --> 00:12:00,374 What the fuck is this? 282 00:12:00,408 --> 00:12:02,376 Keeping up with the Keeblers, baby. 283 00:12:02,410 --> 00:12:04,545 - I love LA. - Both: We love it. 284 00:12:04,578 --> 00:12:06,247 Guys, you've been in LA five days. 285 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,116 You're out of a job. Do you realize that? 286 00:12:08,149 --> 00:12:10,251 Nobody in LA has a job, Thom. 287 00:12:10,284 --> 00:12:13,121 But everybody has great hair and fancy cars. 288 00:12:13,154 --> 00:12:15,523 Besides, we really cleaned up on this deal. 289 00:12:15,556 --> 00:12:17,491 Our agents got us serious cash 290 00:12:17,525 --> 00:12:20,094 for using our likenesses, plus residuals, 291 00:12:20,128 --> 00:12:21,963 payouts, the whole deal! 292 00:12:21,996 --> 00:12:23,164 And this is what you spend it on? 293 00:12:23,197 --> 00:12:25,099 Materialistic bullshit. 294 00:12:25,133 --> 00:12:27,535 Ma, do you-- wait. What are those? 295 00:12:27,568 --> 00:12:30,004 Saline. Under the muscle. 296 00:12:30,038 --> 00:12:33,441 Same doctor who does all the celebrities' boobs. 297 00:12:33,474 --> 00:12:35,810 - Hey, check it out, Thom. - Very nice, JJ. 298 00:12:35,844 --> 00:12:36,945 ( both grunting ) 299 00:12:36,978 --> 00:12:38,579 We got a whole trunk full of 'em. 300 00:12:38,612 --> 00:12:40,414 ( laughs ) 301 00:12:40,448 --> 00:12:42,216 Is this the way you wanna be raising your kids? 302 00:12:42,250 --> 00:12:44,152 Happy? Yes. 303 00:12:44,185 --> 00:12:45,553 Does Julius have an iPad? 304 00:12:45,586 --> 00:12:47,555 So that's how you measure happiness, yeah? 305 00:12:47,588 --> 00:12:50,324 I mean, you should be teaching them that happiness can't be bought. 306 00:12:50,358 --> 00:12:54,295 We worked in that tree for 40 years, Thom. 307 00:12:54,328 --> 00:12:56,430 This is the American dream-- 308 00:12:56,464 --> 00:13:00,835 work hard, buy a luxury car, and get some new tits. 309 00:13:00,869 --> 00:13:02,270 Gotta go, Thom. 310 00:13:02,303 --> 00:13:04,172 We're getting spray-tanned before the Lakers game. 311 00:13:04,205 --> 00:13:07,408 Our agents got us court-side seats! 312 00:13:07,441 --> 00:13:09,410 Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! 313 00:13:10,644 --> 00:13:12,113 ( sighs ) 314 00:13:12,146 --> 00:13:14,548 I gotta get the fuck out of here. 315 00:13:14,582 --> 00:13:17,018 Saleswoman: Let's see what we've got. 316 00:13:17,051 --> 00:13:19,387 We have the silver iPhone 6 317 00:13:19,420 --> 00:13:21,455 with HD retina display, 318 00:13:21,489 --> 00:13:24,558 eight mega pixel eyesight camera and charger 319 00:13:24,592 --> 00:13:27,528 and you got the Verizon "More Everything" plan 320 00:13:27,561 --> 00:13:30,264 with unlimited talk and text on the 4G LTE network, 321 00:13:30,298 --> 00:13:33,134 and you also got the LG Tone wireless headset 322 00:13:33,167 --> 00:13:35,203 with ambient noise reduction. 323 00:13:35,236 --> 00:13:39,607 Oh, hey, do you wanna look at any of the protective cases we have? 324 00:13:42,143 --> 00:13:43,344 Yes. 325 00:13:43,377 --> 00:13:44,946 You really do wanna protect your investment. 326 00:13:44,979 --> 00:13:46,247 I do. 327 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,082 I really do wanna protect my investment. 328 00:13:48,116 --> 00:13:50,618 - Okay. - Okay. 329 00:13:50,651 --> 00:13:52,386 Okay. 330 00:13:55,656 --> 00:13:58,459 Fitzgerald's iPad is so cool. 331 00:13:58,492 --> 00:14:00,361 Julius, you're not getting an iPad. 332 00:14:00,394 --> 00:14:02,130 - I know, Mom. - Okay. 333 00:14:02,163 --> 00:14:06,634 We were playing this game where you're the birds, right? 334 00:14:06,667 --> 00:14:09,904 - And these pigs stole your eggs. - Wow. 335 00:14:09,938 --> 00:14:13,975 And you use your fingers to launch the birds right on the screen. 336 00:14:14,008 --> 00:14:16,577 - Cool. - And there's this other one 337 00:14:16,610 --> 00:14:19,247 - where you can race the pigs on a go-kart... - Really? 338 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:23,051 ...and when you turn the iPad, that's how you steer. 339 00:14:23,084 --> 00:14:26,220 Dude! This is amazing! 340 00:14:26,254 --> 00:14:28,189 Dad is gonna love this. 341 00:14:28,222 --> 00:14:30,458 Should we put it up? All right. 342 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,328 Nicely done. 343 00:14:34,362 --> 00:14:38,332 So Fitzgerald lets you play his iPad? 344 00:14:38,366 --> 00:14:40,368 No, I was watching Ross play. 345 00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:43,671 - So he let Ross play? - Uh-huh. 346 00:14:43,704 --> 00:14:45,206 Mm. 347 00:14:45,239 --> 00:14:47,108 Did he let any other kids play? 348 00:14:47,141 --> 00:14:50,278 Most of the kids. 349 00:14:50,311 --> 00:14:52,213 So he let most of the kids play but not you? 350 00:14:52,246 --> 00:14:53,948 He never lets me play. 351 00:14:53,982 --> 00:14:55,683 Well, you know what? 352 00:14:55,716 --> 00:14:57,451 He's a big jerk. 353 00:15:02,223 --> 00:15:04,158 ( sighs ) 354 00:15:04,192 --> 00:15:05,726 Come here, man. 355 00:15:05,759 --> 00:15:07,295 Look at that. 356 00:15:07,328 --> 00:15:10,164 Look how beautiful that is. 357 00:15:10,198 --> 00:15:11,799 Dad's gonna love it. 358 00:15:15,669 --> 00:15:17,405 Look, let me tell you something. 359 00:15:17,438 --> 00:15:20,708 I love this, and I hate commercials. 360 00:15:20,741 --> 00:15:24,512 I hate my whole life making commercials, but I love this. 361 00:15:24,545 --> 00:15:26,714 And let me tell you why. ( clears throat ) 362 00:15:26,747 --> 00:15:29,517 I know it's a bullshit cookie commercial, 363 00:15:29,550 --> 00:15:31,252 but I think it's more than that, 364 00:15:31,285 --> 00:15:34,388 because I believe that Ernie Keebler 365 00:15:34,422 --> 00:15:37,025 is Willy Loman. 366 00:15:37,058 --> 00:15:38,292 Oh, please. 367 00:15:38,326 --> 00:15:40,728 Do you think the factory down the road gives a shit about him? 368 00:15:40,761 --> 00:15:43,764 This whole campaign is-- is-- is-- 369 00:15:43,797 --> 00:15:47,001 uh, is about corporate imperialism. 370 00:15:47,035 --> 00:15:48,602 It's about the ordinary working guy 371 00:15:48,636 --> 00:15:49,770 who's just trying to put some food on the table, 372 00:15:49,803 --> 00:15:51,572 just trying to feed his kids, 373 00:15:51,605 --> 00:15:54,075 but he can't compete with the corporate cartels 374 00:15:54,108 --> 00:15:56,210 who will not be satisfied until they have every last penny, 375 00:15:56,244 --> 00:15:57,245 and that's why I wrote this. 376 00:15:57,278 --> 00:15:58,612 You wrote this piece of shit? 377 00:15:58,646 --> 00:16:00,114 You're damn right I did. 378 00:16:00,148 --> 00:16:02,283 I said to the guys, "No more animated characters. 379 00:16:02,316 --> 00:16:04,118 We need real. I need real. 380 00:16:04,152 --> 00:16:07,088 You know, I need Rob Reiner to direct this 381 00:16:07,121 --> 00:16:12,193 and I need the guy that played Trigorin in 'The Seagull' to play JJ." 382 00:16:15,296 --> 00:16:18,766 You saw me in "The Seagull"? 383 00:16:18,799 --> 00:16:20,368 I'm a Chekov fan. 384 00:16:20,401 --> 00:16:21,735 At the Atlantic? 385 00:16:21,769 --> 00:16:23,537 Yeah. Yeah. I mean, absolutely. 386 00:16:23,571 --> 00:16:25,106 And I shouldn't say this, 387 00:16:25,139 --> 00:16:26,740 'cause you busted my fuckin' ass before, 388 00:16:26,774 --> 00:16:30,111 but, uh, you were all anybody saw in that play. 389 00:16:30,144 --> 00:16:31,679 ( knock at door ) 390 00:16:32,780 --> 00:16:34,415 Thom, your car to the airport's here. 391 00:16:34,448 --> 00:16:36,284 Okay. 392 00:16:36,317 --> 00:16:40,088 Attention must be paid, even to an elf. 393 00:16:41,589 --> 00:16:43,424 Let's do this. 394 00:16:43,457 --> 00:16:46,727 Okay. Okay. 395 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:48,662 Don't say goodbye to Reiner for me. 396 00:16:48,696 --> 00:16:50,664 I won't even say goodbye for me. 397 00:16:50,698 --> 00:16:53,534 Oh, thanks for the Chekov "Seagull" thing. He totally bought it. 398 00:16:53,567 --> 00:16:55,736 - You can't go, Thom. - Can't go where? 399 00:16:55,769 --> 00:16:58,339 - I'm sorry, Thom. That was Lorna. - Don't start with me, Deb. 400 00:16:58,372 --> 00:17:01,275 It's one wide and a couple of close-ups. Reiner can handle it. 401 00:17:01,309 --> 00:17:03,277 Flight's in two hours. That's plenty of time. 402 00:17:03,311 --> 00:17:05,746 It's not about the flight, Thom. It's Gottfrid. 403 00:17:08,182 --> 00:17:11,685 He's got a dinner tonight at the advertising club and another one tomorrow. 404 00:17:11,719 --> 00:17:13,421 He wants you to cover the edit. 405 00:17:13,454 --> 00:17:15,323 Said he'd be out here first thing next week. 406 00:17:15,356 --> 00:17:16,624 - No. - I'm sorry, Thom. 407 00:17:16,657 --> 00:17:17,825 I know you wanna get home to your-- 408 00:17:17,858 --> 00:17:19,427 You don't know-- what the fuck do you-- 409 00:17:19,460 --> 00:17:20,794 Hey, you guys. I'm gonna split. 410 00:17:20,828 --> 00:17:22,396 You know, I got the Laker tickets. 411 00:17:22,430 --> 00:17:24,398 But you're okay. You got JJ up in the tree. 412 00:17:24,432 --> 00:17:27,435 - Uh-huh. - You got a wide shot and a couple of close-ups. 413 00:17:27,468 --> 00:17:29,670 Charlie should be able to handle it, okay? 414 00:17:29,703 --> 00:17:30,604 Bye. 415 00:17:31,772 --> 00:17:33,307 - We're not done. - Debbie: Thom. 416 00:17:33,341 --> 00:17:34,608 - What? - We're not done. 417 00:17:34,642 --> 00:17:36,144 You don't leave until we're done. 418 00:17:36,177 --> 00:17:39,547 But you got just a wide shot and some close-ups. 419 00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:41,115 Yeah, Charlie can handle that, Thom. 420 00:17:41,149 --> 00:17:42,783 Get back there and finish the job. 421 00:17:44,818 --> 00:17:46,687 Do you know who you're talking to? 422 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:48,589 I'm talking to the director of this goddamn commercial, 423 00:17:48,622 --> 00:17:50,524 the one that's being paid $30,000 a day. 424 00:17:50,558 --> 00:17:51,859 The one who's gonna get his fat ass back there 425 00:17:51,892 --> 00:17:53,527 and finish the fuckin' job! 426 00:17:53,561 --> 00:17:55,196 Fuck you, Thom. 427 00:17:55,229 --> 00:17:58,499 You don't wanna be here any more than I do. 428 00:17:58,532 --> 00:18:00,468 Thom, what is the failed dream, huh? 429 00:18:00,501 --> 00:18:03,737 What is it? It's a screenplay, a novel? 430 00:18:03,771 --> 00:18:07,208 You go write that, get off my fuckin' back, 431 00:18:07,241 --> 00:18:10,778 and stop acting like this shit matters, hmm? 432 00:18:14,315 --> 00:18:16,317 ( car door opens, closes ) 433 00:18:16,350 --> 00:18:18,252 ( engine starts ) 434 00:18:25,626 --> 00:18:27,895 - Lee: Hey. This day. - Finally. 435 00:18:27,928 --> 00:18:30,298 I've tried you a dozen fucking times. 436 00:18:30,331 --> 00:18:31,765 Oh, Jesus. People. 437 00:18:31,799 --> 00:18:33,401 Oh, I was at the phone store. 438 00:18:33,434 --> 00:18:35,403 - My phone died. - All day? 439 00:18:35,436 --> 00:18:36,904 Your phone's been dead all day? 440 00:18:36,937 --> 00:18:38,772 Where were you? Were you at the studio? 441 00:18:38,806 --> 00:18:40,641 No, I was at the phone store, Thom. 442 00:18:40,674 --> 00:18:42,376 Well, I wasn't at my studio. 443 00:18:42,410 --> 00:18:44,745 I don't have a studio, 'cause all I have is work! 444 00:18:44,778 --> 00:18:46,780 I'm gonna die here alone in a hotel room 445 00:18:46,814 --> 00:18:49,517 surrounded by bulimic assholes 446 00:18:49,550 --> 00:18:52,720 and fucking Keebler cookie scripts. 447 00:18:52,753 --> 00:18:55,256 What's wrong with you, Thom? What's-- where are you? 448 00:18:55,289 --> 00:18:57,525 I'm at the hotel. I'm at the fucking hotel. 449 00:18:57,558 --> 00:18:59,193 That's where I am. 450 00:18:59,227 --> 00:19:00,661 Thom. 451 00:19:00,694 --> 00:19:02,162 I'm not coming home. 452 00:19:03,264 --> 00:19:04,532 Is it Gottfrid? 453 00:19:04,565 --> 00:19:06,300 He's sucking some ad dick in New York 454 00:19:06,334 --> 00:19:09,403 and I've gotta stay here till-- till next week. 455 00:19:09,437 --> 00:19:11,272 ( footsteps ) 456 00:19:11,305 --> 00:19:12,673 Lee: Ugh. 457 00:19:12,706 --> 00:19:14,675 - Hey. - Let me talk to Jules. 458 00:19:14,708 --> 00:19:15,976 I'll-- I can tell him. 459 00:19:16,009 --> 00:19:19,313 No, no, I'll tell him. I'll tell him. 460 00:19:19,347 --> 00:19:20,948 Okay. It's your daddy. 461 00:19:20,981 --> 00:19:23,517 Hi, Daddy. Are you on the plane? 462 00:19:23,551 --> 00:19:25,553 No, I'm not, buddy. 463 00:19:25,586 --> 00:19:27,721 - How come? - I'm so sorry. 464 00:19:27,755 --> 00:19:30,858 I'm still here. They-- I can't get home. 465 00:19:30,891 --> 00:19:33,694 I've got to do my job and they won't let me 466 00:19:33,727 --> 00:19:35,863 go home right away till I finish, yeah? 467 00:19:35,896 --> 00:19:37,565 But I'm gonna be home next week, 468 00:19:37,598 --> 00:19:41,569 and, uh, so, you know, I'll see you then, okay? 469 00:19:41,602 --> 00:19:43,804 I'm-- I'm really sorry, buddy. 470 00:19:45,005 --> 00:19:46,374 Jules? 471 00:19:46,407 --> 00:19:48,309 Jules? 472 00:19:48,342 --> 00:19:50,344 ( phone clatters ) 473 00:20:01,955 --> 00:20:03,023 Fuck! 474 00:20:03,056 --> 00:20:05,659 Hey, it's okay to be angry, buddy. 475 00:20:05,693 --> 00:20:08,696 I'm not angry. 476 00:20:08,729 --> 00:20:11,332 Everybody gets angry. 477 00:20:11,365 --> 00:20:14,802 You know, I bet your dad threw his phone down, too. 478 00:20:14,835 --> 00:20:17,738 - ( dog whines ) - Hey, you know what? 479 00:20:17,771 --> 00:20:20,408 I bet if you close your eyes, 480 00:20:20,441 --> 00:20:24,612 pictured your daddy coming home and giving you a big, big hug, 481 00:20:24,645 --> 00:20:26,480 it'd make you feel so much better. 482 00:20:26,514 --> 00:20:30,451 - Mm-mm. - No? Hmm. 483 00:20:30,484 --> 00:20:33,053 What if you closed your eyes 484 00:20:33,086 --> 00:20:37,391 and pictured Gottfrid getting hit by a truck? 485 00:20:37,425 --> 00:20:39,693 - ( laughs ) - Would that make you feel better? 486 00:20:39,727 --> 00:20:42,730 - No. - Oh, really? 487 00:20:42,763 --> 00:20:44,732 What if you closed your eyes 488 00:20:44,765 --> 00:20:48,802 and pictured Gottfrid opening his office window 489 00:20:48,836 --> 00:20:54,041 and falling all the way down? 490 00:20:54,074 --> 00:20:55,343 Splat! 491 00:20:55,376 --> 00:20:56,777 - Uh, no. - No? 492 00:20:56,810 --> 00:21:00,848 All the way down! And splat. 493 00:21:03,517 --> 00:21:04,785 Let's go make some brownies. 494 00:21:04,818 --> 00:21:06,620 Come on. Whoa! 495 00:21:06,654 --> 00:21:07,988 All right, then. 496 00:21:20,401 --> 00:21:23,404 Hey, Thom. I'm just stopping by for a pre-game drink. 497 00:21:23,437 --> 00:21:25,005 - How'd the shoot go? - Film looks great. 498 00:21:25,038 --> 00:21:28,075 - Director's a piece of shit. - Sounds great. 499 00:21:32,112 --> 00:21:33,581 Ernie? 500 00:21:36,617 --> 00:21:38,819 Ernie! 501 00:21:38,852 --> 00:21:41,389 Ernie! Ernie! 502 00:21:42,723 --> 00:21:45,359 Ernie! Ernie. 503 00:21:46,660 --> 00:21:48,362 Ernie. 504 00:21:48,396 --> 00:21:49,830 ( groans ) 505 00:21:49,863 --> 00:21:51,999 - Ernie! - ( groans ) 506 00:21:52,032 --> 00:21:53,567 What are you doing? Let go! 507 00:21:53,601 --> 00:21:55,369 I don't want to leave, Thom. 508 00:21:55,403 --> 00:21:57,371 I've never been happier. 509 00:21:57,405 --> 00:21:58,739 But what about Ma? 510 00:21:58,772 --> 00:22:00,841 What about the children, the boys? 511 00:22:00,874 --> 00:22:03,143 Yeah, it's something, isn't it? 512 00:22:03,176 --> 00:22:04,812 Just a bunch of elves. 513 00:22:04,845 --> 00:22:07,681 And here we are in a Rolls. 514 00:22:07,715 --> 00:22:09,650 We made it, Thom. 515 00:22:09,683 --> 00:22:12,352 We made it. 516 00:22:21,662 --> 00:22:23,464 - Hey. - Yeah. 517 00:22:23,497 --> 00:22:25,466 - Hundred bucks if you let me piss on it. - ( laughs ) 518 00:22:25,499 --> 00:22:27,935 Seriously. You'll feel better. I'll feel better. 519 00:22:27,968 --> 00:22:30,037 - ( scoffs ) - Hundred bucks. Right now. 520 00:22:30,070 --> 00:22:31,839 500. 521 00:23:16,884 --> 00:23:19,186 ( urinating ) 522 00:23:45,278 --> 00:23:48,148 Thom: It's not LA. I know that. 523 00:23:51,719 --> 00:23:54,555 It's us. 524 00:23:54,588 --> 00:23:57,024 We're just looking for some relief. 525 00:23:57,057 --> 00:23:59,660 We're just looking for a new religion. 526 00:23:59,693 --> 00:24:01,795 ( choir singing ) 527 00:24:06,700 --> 00:24:09,069 And so I enter, head bowed, 528 00:24:09,102 --> 00:24:11,639 to the church of America, 529 00:24:11,672 --> 00:24:14,842 where the faithful raise up their voices as one 530 00:24:14,875 --> 00:24:17,878 in a song of thanks and cheer. 531 00:24:17,911 --> 00:24:20,247 And not a dour face among them, 532 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:24,084 for behold, the iPhone 6 Plus has appeared, 533 00:24:24,117 --> 00:24:28,956 and lo, the screen size is much greater than before. 534 00:24:28,989 --> 00:24:30,924 Man: Okay, so that's one iPhone 6 Plus, 535 00:24:30,958 --> 00:24:33,160 128 gigs, mobile package, 536 00:24:33,193 --> 00:24:35,529 and from the looks of your last phone, 537 00:24:35,563 --> 00:24:38,699 you'll definitely want the additional two years of damage coverage. 538 00:24:38,732 --> 00:24:41,301 And then we have the iPad Mini 3 for your son, 539 00:24:41,334 --> 00:24:43,771 and that's 64 gigs with retina display, 540 00:24:43,804 --> 00:24:45,606 Wi-Fi and cellular. 541 00:24:45,639 --> 00:24:46,774 Since he's young, 542 00:24:46,807 --> 00:24:49,543 I would recommend getting a protector for it. 543 00:24:49,577 --> 00:24:51,612 - Uh-- - Would you like to get a protector today? 544 00:24:51,645 --> 00:24:53,280 Yes. 545 00:24:53,313 --> 00:24:55,616 I'd like to get a protector today. 546 00:24:55,649 --> 00:24:57,317 Great. 547 00:24:57,350 --> 00:25:02,055 Thom: And let us say, "Amen." 548 00:25:02,089 --> 00:25:04,224 ( bell tolling ) 549 00:25:04,257 --> 00:25:07,194 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 550 00:25:07,227 --> 00:25:09,763 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 551 00:25:09,797 --> 00:25:12,633 * If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it * 552 00:25:12,666 --> 00:25:15,302 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 553 00:25:15,335 --> 00:25:17,971 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 554 00:25:18,005 --> 00:25:20,841 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 555 00:25:20,874 --> 00:25:23,744 * If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it * 556 00:25:23,777 --> 00:25:26,279 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 557 00:25:26,313 --> 00:25:28,982 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 558 00:25:29,016 --> 00:25:31,785 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 559 00:25:31,819 --> 00:25:34,688 * If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it * 560 00:25:34,722 --> 00:25:37,290 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 561 00:25:37,324 --> 00:25:39,993 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 562 00:25:40,027 --> 00:25:42,863 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 563 00:25:42,896 --> 00:25:45,666 * If you're happy and you know it, then motherfucking show it * 564 00:25:45,699 --> 00:25:48,135 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your motherfucking hands * 565 00:25:48,168 --> 00:25:51,004 * If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it * 566 00:25:51,038 --> 00:25:54,808 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! *