1 00:00:14,103 --> 00:00:15,837 Man: This is Thomas Jefferson, 2 00:00:15,870 --> 00:00:18,640 founding father of my adopted home of America, 3 00:00:18,673 --> 00:00:20,609 which I love with all my heart. 4 00:00:20,642 --> 00:00:23,578 But then, fuck, he had to go and write that line, 5 00:00:23,612 --> 00:00:26,381 "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." 6 00:00:26,415 --> 00:00:29,718 Life, sure. Liberty, I understand the basic concept. 7 00:00:29,751 --> 00:00:32,721 But happiness? I mean, what the fuck is happiness? 8 00:00:32,754 --> 00:00:35,790 A BMW? 1,000 Facebook friends? 9 00:00:35,824 --> 00:00:38,393 A million Twitter followers? I wish he had been more honest. 10 00:00:38,427 --> 00:00:41,663 I wish he had just said, "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, 11 00:00:41,696 --> 00:00:43,598 whatever the fuck that is." 12 00:00:43,632 --> 00:00:45,200 Just don't keep us guessing, Tom. 13 00:00:45,234 --> 00:00:47,402 Guessing and pursuing and failing. 14 00:00:47,436 --> 00:00:49,404 Fuck you, Thomas Jefferson! 15 00:00:49,438 --> 00:00:53,142 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 16 00:00:53,175 --> 00:00:55,644 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 17 00:00:55,677 --> 00:00:58,547 * If you're happy and you know it, then motherfucking show it * 18 00:00:58,580 --> 00:01:01,383 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your motherfucking hands * 19 00:01:01,416 --> 00:01:04,519 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. * 20 00:01:05,787 --> 00:01:09,691 Group: * Happy birthday to you 21 00:01:09,724 --> 00:01:13,828 * Happy birthday to you * 22 00:01:13,862 --> 00:01:19,701 * You look like a monkey 23 00:01:19,734 --> 00:01:25,540 * And you smell like one, too. * 24 00:01:26,475 --> 00:01:28,543 ( cheering ) 25 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:34,583 The game is half over, people. The race is half run. 26 00:01:34,616 --> 00:01:36,451 - Here we go. - Speech, speech. 27 00:01:36,485 --> 00:01:40,789 Well, "They give birth astride a grave, 28 00:01:40,822 --> 00:01:42,824 the light gleams an instant, 29 00:01:42,857 --> 00:01:44,726 then it is night once more." 30 00:01:44,759 --> 00:01:47,729 Half run? Buddy, you're gonna be lucky 31 00:01:47,762 --> 00:01:49,864 if you make it to the end of the week. 32 00:01:49,898 --> 00:01:51,933 She's right, Dad. 33 00:01:51,966 --> 00:01:54,469 44, that's like a million. 34 00:01:54,503 --> 00:01:57,306 - Whoo! - Hey, hey, Mom is-- 35 00:01:57,339 --> 00:01:58,873 Mom's almost as old as me. 36 00:01:58,907 --> 00:02:00,575 But Mom's pretty. 37 00:02:00,609 --> 00:02:05,214 - Thanks, Jules, so much. - Oh! Give it up. 38 00:02:05,247 --> 00:02:07,482 - Oh, manners, mister. - Wait, get, get-- 39 00:02:07,516 --> 00:02:10,419 Yeah, have some manners like the adults. Right, Julius? 40 00:02:10,452 --> 00:02:12,587 ( laughing ) 41 00:02:12,621 --> 00:02:14,256 Num, num, num! 42 00:02:15,724 --> 00:02:17,559 I have that one. 43 00:02:17,592 --> 00:02:20,562 I have, like, five of that one. 44 00:02:20,595 --> 00:02:22,497 Mine are pretty good, though. 45 00:02:22,531 --> 00:02:24,199 Mine came in a set, 46 00:02:24,233 --> 00:02:26,968 so I also have the Dragon Copter 47 00:02:27,001 --> 00:02:28,937 and Sensei Wu. 48 00:02:30,405 --> 00:02:31,973 Yours is junk. 49 00:02:32,006 --> 00:02:35,944 Hey, hey, you know what I've noticed about your kid? 50 00:02:37,746 --> 00:02:40,615 - He's an asshole. - Yes, he's a fucking asshole. 51 00:02:40,649 --> 00:02:43,652 - I don't know how that happened, but... - So it's not just Julius? 52 00:02:43,685 --> 00:02:45,987 No, no, he's an asshole to everybody. Kids hate him. 53 00:02:46,020 --> 00:02:49,458 He's an asshole because his father was an asshole. 54 00:02:49,491 --> 00:02:50,992 Still. Your ex is still an asshole. 55 00:02:51,025 --> 00:02:53,728 An asshole doesn't fall far from the tree. 56 00:02:53,762 --> 00:02:57,666 - He'll grow out of it. - I don't think that's the kind of assholeness you outgrow. 57 00:02:57,699 --> 00:03:01,636 We're just hoping for, you know, an average prick. Just a run-of-the-mill dick. 58 00:03:01,670 --> 00:03:04,873 I don't know, Thom. Couple years from now, Jules could be an asshole, too. 59 00:03:04,906 --> 00:03:07,776 I don't think so. A pussy, maybe. 60 00:03:07,809 --> 00:03:10,545 Well, I would rather have an asshole than a pussy. 61 00:03:10,579 --> 00:03:12,947 It is tough out there, people. 62 00:03:12,981 --> 00:03:15,250 Asshole's not a bad way to go. 63 00:03:15,284 --> 00:03:18,019 - Not a bad way to go. - Come on, lady. 64 00:03:18,052 --> 00:03:21,290 - ( women laughing ) - Oh, my God. 65 00:03:22,824 --> 00:03:25,894 You ask me, Julius is just too happy. 66 00:03:25,927 --> 00:03:28,697 - Too happy? - You make a kid happy in this world, 67 00:03:28,730 --> 00:03:30,432 you're setting them up. That's child abuse. 68 00:03:30,465 --> 00:03:33,768 Trust me, Thom. Your only shot at happiness in this world 69 00:03:33,802 --> 00:03:37,038 is a miserable childhood. The shittier the better. 70 00:03:37,071 --> 00:03:39,308 That's what I should call my book. 71 00:03:39,341 --> 00:03:41,376 Yeah, "The Joy of Misery" by Thom Payne. 72 00:03:41,410 --> 00:03:42,677 - A book? - Yeah. 73 00:03:42,711 --> 00:03:45,046 - What's a book? - Yeah, no shit. 74 00:03:45,079 --> 00:03:47,316 ( women laugh ) 75 00:03:47,349 --> 00:03:48,983 ( crows cawing ) 76 00:03:49,017 --> 00:03:51,586 It's okay. They're watching "Frozen." 77 00:03:51,620 --> 00:03:53,555 See? Pussy. 78 00:03:53,588 --> 00:03:55,590 Speaking of pussies, 79 00:03:55,624 --> 00:03:56,858 Monica is getting hers done. 80 00:03:56,891 --> 00:03:58,860 - Her what? - Her pussy. 81 00:03:58,893 --> 00:04:01,330 - Done? - Tightened. 82 00:04:01,363 --> 00:04:03,398 - What the fuck are you talking about? - What? 83 00:04:03,432 --> 00:04:06,000 She's 37, she's done having kids, she wants a tighter cooch. 84 00:04:06,034 --> 00:04:07,936 That's bullshit. That's totally for Jason. 85 00:04:07,969 --> 00:04:09,804 I don't know. My sister had three kids. 86 00:04:09,838 --> 00:04:11,440 She said she can park her car up in there now. 87 00:04:11,473 --> 00:04:14,309 - But like a Smart car. - The girl drives a Hummer. 88 00:04:14,343 --> 00:04:17,078 Wait a minute. I want to get this straight. 89 00:04:17,111 --> 00:04:19,814 Her pussy is good enough for him to fuck, 90 00:04:19,848 --> 00:04:21,550 good enough for him to eat, 91 00:04:21,583 --> 00:04:23,552 good enough to bear his child, 92 00:04:23,585 --> 00:04:24,986 now he just wants it tighter? 93 00:04:25,019 --> 00:04:26,821 Think he should just go fuck himself. 94 00:04:26,855 --> 00:04:28,623 Can he say how tight he wants it? 95 00:04:28,657 --> 00:04:29,891 Well, she's at a beer can now. 96 00:04:29,924 --> 00:04:31,726 So he probably wants, what, a shot glass? 97 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,027 He looks like a pencil dick to me. 98 00:04:33,061 --> 00:04:34,696 Maybe she should just go with sharpener. 99 00:04:34,729 --> 00:04:35,964 ( laughing ) 100 00:04:35,997 --> 00:04:39,100 Could he go in the surgery and, you know, like test the vagina? 101 00:04:39,133 --> 00:04:41,836 Yo, Doc, you're close, but can you give it another turn or two? 102 00:04:41,870 --> 00:04:45,374 - Oh, my God. - Mr. Lesko, I got it down to a 22-year-old. 103 00:04:45,407 --> 00:04:47,709 Legally, I can only go to an 18. 104 00:04:47,742 --> 00:04:49,611 Hey, Doc, while you're down there, 105 00:04:49,644 --> 00:04:51,580 can you loosen up her shithole? 106 00:04:51,613 --> 00:04:54,483 - ( laughter ) - Okay, they're coming. They're coming. 107 00:04:55,750 --> 00:04:57,419 Where's the joint? 108 00:04:58,787 --> 00:05:01,923 Thom: "George was a very, very good monkey. 109 00:05:01,956 --> 00:05:04,626 He was also very curious." 110 00:05:04,659 --> 00:05:07,796 And he was a real pain in the butt. 111 00:05:07,829 --> 00:05:09,931 - Dad. - He deserved a good slap, 112 00:05:09,964 --> 00:05:11,800 somebody to teach him a lesson. 113 00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:13,868 "You can't just steal a spaceship 114 00:05:13,902 --> 00:05:15,604 and fly it to the moon, monkey boy." 115 00:05:15,637 --> 00:05:17,739 Dad, read it normal. 116 00:05:17,772 --> 00:05:20,809 Hey, hey. I love you, buddy. 117 00:05:20,842 --> 00:05:22,777 You're old. 118 00:05:22,811 --> 00:05:25,780 I'm not old. I'm-- I'm-- I'm-- 119 00:05:25,814 --> 00:05:27,782 I'm oldish. 120 00:05:27,816 --> 00:05:29,851 Are you going to die? 121 00:05:31,085 --> 00:05:33,922 Am I gonna die? Boy... 122 00:05:39,193 --> 00:05:41,930 You know, 123 00:05:41,963 --> 00:05:44,433 the truth is, Julius, I am going to die, 124 00:05:44,466 --> 00:05:48,069 but not for a very, very long time. 125 00:05:48,102 --> 00:05:50,839 ( high-pitched ) First I got to start speaking like this. 126 00:05:50,872 --> 00:05:53,107 - ( giggling ) - And then I got to start losing my teeth. 127 00:05:53,141 --> 00:05:56,411 - Then I got to start pooping in my diapers. - ( squealing ) 128 00:05:58,547 --> 00:06:00,148 Hey, how about tomorrow 129 00:06:00,181 --> 00:06:03,685 we get burgers at Five Guys, then Funny Farm? 130 00:06:03,718 --> 00:06:06,054 Yes. 131 00:06:06,087 --> 00:06:08,056 Low. 132 00:06:08,089 --> 00:06:10,559 Okay. 133 00:06:10,592 --> 00:06:12,827 You know the drill. 134 00:06:20,735 --> 00:06:23,104 - ( woman moaning on laptop ) - Man: You like that? Yeah. 135 00:06:23,137 --> 00:06:25,206 Woman: Oh, yeah, baby. Fuck my ass. 136 00:06:25,239 --> 00:06:27,208 There we go. In through the out door. 137 00:06:27,241 --> 00:06:28,943 Come on, take it seriously. 138 00:06:28,977 --> 00:06:31,212 - She's in agony. - ( laughs ) 139 00:06:31,245 --> 00:06:34,883 - She's faking it. - No, she is not faking it. 140 00:06:34,916 --> 00:06:37,752 There's a gigantic cock shoved up her asshole. 141 00:06:37,786 --> 00:06:40,154 Hang on, you can't say that she's faking the pleasure, 142 00:06:40,188 --> 00:06:42,156 but she's not faking it when it's pain. 143 00:06:42,190 --> 00:06:44,993 You got to be consistent. I was watching that. 144 00:06:45,026 --> 00:06:46,961 Oh, I think it's easier to fake pleasure. 145 00:06:46,995 --> 00:06:48,763 Yeah? Well, that's reassuring. 146 00:06:48,797 --> 00:06:50,098 ( laughs ) 147 00:06:50,131 --> 00:06:52,233 Is this a birthday present or what? 148 00:06:52,266 --> 00:06:55,203 Porno, shaved pussies. 149 00:07:00,241 --> 00:07:04,045 You know, I read something about Alzheimer's the other day. 150 00:07:04,078 --> 00:07:07,115 ( sighs ) Are we gonna fuck? 151 00:07:07,148 --> 00:07:09,618 It said that not sleeping could be an indicator 152 00:07:09,651 --> 00:07:11,520 of early-onset Alzheimer's. 153 00:07:11,553 --> 00:07:13,187 Are we gonna fuck? 154 00:07:13,221 --> 00:07:14,989 So now I can't sleep because I'm worried 155 00:07:15,023 --> 00:07:16,257 that my not sleeping means I have Alzheimer's. 156 00:07:16,290 --> 00:07:17,926 I mean, why are they telling me this? 157 00:07:17,959 --> 00:07:20,261 Is it the not sleeping that causes Alzheimer's 158 00:07:20,294 --> 00:07:22,531 or Alzheimer's that makes you not sleep? 159 00:07:22,564 --> 00:07:24,999 I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that information. 160 00:07:25,033 --> 00:07:27,168 ( clears throat ) 161 00:07:27,201 --> 00:07:29,671 Do you think my pussy needs tightening? 162 00:07:29,704 --> 00:07:31,540 What? 163 00:07:31,573 --> 00:07:35,610 I thought maybe it would be better for you if it was tighter. 164 00:07:35,644 --> 00:07:37,879 Oh, baby, baby, listen. Come here. Hey. 165 00:07:37,912 --> 00:07:39,748 Why bother with you at all? 166 00:07:39,781 --> 00:07:42,016 I could just get a bottle of wine and a blood pressure cuff. 167 00:07:42,050 --> 00:07:43,952 - ( laughs ) - You know, baby? 168 00:07:43,985 --> 00:07:45,687 It's not-- honey, it's not you. 169 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:47,922 It's the fucking Prozac. It's a hard-on killer. 170 00:07:47,956 --> 00:07:50,925 Why don't we just try a Viagra? 171 00:07:50,959 --> 00:07:52,661 They're a client, right? 172 00:07:52,694 --> 00:07:54,796 Keebler gives you all those fucking cookies. 173 00:07:54,829 --> 00:07:58,567 I'm worried the Viagra will interfere with the Prozac, you know? 174 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:00,168 That's life. 175 00:08:00,201 --> 00:08:03,104 You know, happy and soft or miserable and hard. 176 00:08:03,137 --> 00:08:06,307 I would be totally fine with miserable and hard. 177 00:08:06,340 --> 00:08:09,644 - ( laughs ) - Just for the record, if you-- 178 00:08:09,678 --> 00:08:11,846 Julius: Mom! 179 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:14,115 ( sighs ) 180 00:08:14,148 --> 00:08:16,050 - We're not fucking. - We're not fucking. 181 00:08:16,084 --> 00:08:18,319 - ( groans ) - Mom! 182 00:08:18,352 --> 00:08:20,589 Coming, honey. 183 00:08:22,256 --> 00:08:24,092 You know, I used to like shaved pussies. 184 00:08:24,125 --> 00:08:25,694 Oh, here we go. 185 00:08:25,727 --> 00:08:27,596 But now whenever I see them, all I can think of 186 00:08:27,629 --> 00:08:29,931 is that fucking Vietnamese girl running down the street 187 00:08:29,964 --> 00:08:31,566 covered in napalm. 188 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,267 I can barely watch porn anymore. 189 00:08:33,301 --> 00:08:35,804 That is the real tragedy of chemical warfare. 190 00:08:35,837 --> 00:08:38,272 - Julius: Mom! - I'm right here, sweetheart. 191 00:08:38,306 --> 00:08:41,743 Hey, can you not read Julius "Curious George" before bed? 192 00:08:41,776 --> 00:08:43,344 He's terrified of the Man in the Yellow Hat. 193 00:08:43,377 --> 00:08:45,614 He's fearful. He's a fearful child. 194 00:08:45,647 --> 00:08:47,982 No, you're fearful. He's six. 195 00:08:48,016 --> 00:08:49,751 I'm fearful that he's fearful. 196 00:08:49,784 --> 00:08:51,586 ( groans ) 197 00:08:52,621 --> 00:08:53,855 ( sighs ) 198 00:08:53,888 --> 00:08:55,657 Fucking asshole. 199 00:08:56,991 --> 00:09:00,061 ( train whistle blows ) 200 00:09:03,197 --> 00:09:05,967 Check it out. Steve Jobs' book. 201 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,969 - Read it. - You read the hardcover. 202 00:09:08,002 --> 00:09:09,503 I read the hardcover and the paperback. 203 00:09:09,537 --> 00:09:12,273 This is the Kindle version of the paperback of the hardcover. 204 00:09:12,306 --> 00:09:14,108 - No way. - Way. 205 00:09:14,142 --> 00:09:16,244 Wanted to read the new format before the movie came out. 206 00:09:16,277 --> 00:09:18,312 90 pages of new material. 207 00:09:18,346 --> 00:09:21,382 So, it's the night before the launch of the iPod. 208 00:09:21,415 --> 00:09:23,752 Jobs goes down to the factory to check things out, 209 00:09:23,785 --> 00:09:26,320 - only he doesn't like the sound. - What sound? 210 00:09:26,354 --> 00:09:29,023 - The headphone jack sound. - The click? 211 00:09:29,057 --> 00:09:31,726 The sound. He wants a better sound. 212 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:36,164 So he gets a team of 100 engineers to work all night to replace them. 213 00:09:36,197 --> 00:09:37,398 - 100? - All night. 214 00:09:37,431 --> 00:09:39,133 Guy was a genius. 215 00:09:39,167 --> 00:09:41,636 Guy was a fucking genius. 216 00:09:41,670 --> 00:09:42,937 ( train whistle blows ) 217 00:09:42,971 --> 00:09:45,273 Thom: Which brings me back to Thomas Jefferson. 218 00:09:45,306 --> 00:09:47,275 Thomas Jefferson isn't the problem. 219 00:09:47,308 --> 00:09:49,678 Jefferson was trying to help. 220 00:09:49,711 --> 00:09:53,314 It's me. I'm the fucking problem. 221 00:09:53,347 --> 00:09:56,017 My name is Thomas Payne and I... 222 00:09:56,050 --> 00:09:59,888 ( sounds overlapping ) 223 00:09:59,921 --> 00:10:02,190 Thom: I work for Satan. 224 00:10:02,223 --> 00:10:04,893 I've worked for the Dark Lord for 20 years now 225 00:10:04,926 --> 00:10:07,962 and so I say this with a fair degree of authority, 226 00:10:07,996 --> 00:10:09,430 fuck "Mad Men." 227 00:10:09,463 --> 00:10:12,033 There's nothing cool about advertising. 228 00:10:12,066 --> 00:10:13,434 There's nothing interesting. 229 00:10:13,467 --> 00:10:15,236 We do the same thing that everyone else 230 00:10:15,269 --> 00:10:16,437 in the world does these days. 231 00:10:16,470 --> 00:10:18,439 We kiss the zit-covered asses 232 00:10:18,472 --> 00:10:21,075 of arrogant, know-nothing teenagers. 233 00:10:24,145 --> 00:10:27,081 It's "Lord of the Flies" out there, folks. 234 00:10:27,115 --> 00:10:31,019 And everyone over 18 is Piggy. 235 00:10:32,486 --> 00:10:34,789 Woman: I'm fucked, Thom. We all are. 236 00:10:34,823 --> 00:10:36,324 When did he make this announcement? 237 00:10:36,357 --> 00:10:38,059 This morning. Do you know them? 238 00:10:38,092 --> 00:10:40,061 I know of them. They're the Swedes. 239 00:10:40,094 --> 00:10:42,864 - That's what everyone calls them. - Gustaf and Gottfrid. 240 00:10:42,897 --> 00:10:46,200 So, what, Jonathan just announces these new creative directors, 241 00:10:46,234 --> 00:10:47,401 calls you into his office and fires you? 242 00:10:47,435 --> 00:10:50,071 No, but they will. I know it. 243 00:10:50,104 --> 00:10:52,941 Debbie, you're the best account director this company has. 244 00:10:52,974 --> 00:10:54,408 ( scoffs ) I could be their mother. 245 00:10:54,442 --> 00:10:56,077 That doesn't mean they want to fire you. 246 00:10:56,110 --> 00:10:57,211 It means they want to fuck you. 247 00:10:57,245 --> 00:10:58,713 Oh, they're gonna fuck me. 248 00:10:58,747 --> 00:11:00,414 Trust me, they are gonna fuck me! 249 00:11:00,448 --> 00:11:02,083 They're not gonna fire you. I won't let them. 250 00:11:02,116 --> 00:11:04,218 You don't have any power. 251 00:11:04,252 --> 00:11:05,954 I have some power. 252 00:11:05,987 --> 00:11:07,155 Not anymore. 253 00:11:07,188 --> 00:11:08,823 So why are you bitching to me? 254 00:11:08,857 --> 00:11:10,424 Because you have heart. 255 00:11:10,458 --> 00:11:12,226 And that's why you have no power. 256 00:11:12,260 --> 00:11:14,262 ( knocks ) Jonathan wants to see you at 12:00. 257 00:11:14,295 --> 00:11:16,097 Am I being fired? 258 00:11:16,130 --> 00:11:18,733 Mikal phoned, wants to know if he's being fired. 259 00:11:18,767 --> 00:11:20,501 Tracey phoned, wants to know if she's being fired. 260 00:11:20,534 --> 00:11:22,837 Larry phoned, wants to know if you're being fired. 261 00:11:22,871 --> 00:11:24,839 - It's gonna be a fun day. - You know what? Fuck this. 262 00:11:24,873 --> 00:11:26,741 - Tell Jonathan I want to see him now. - I'll tell Jonathan 263 00:11:26,775 --> 00:11:28,309 you want to see him now regardless of prior schedule commitments. 264 00:11:28,342 --> 00:11:29,844 I don't care which Swedish dick he's sucking. 265 00:11:29,878 --> 00:11:31,279 What is that, some kind of Radar thing? 266 00:11:31,312 --> 00:11:33,281 She's been with me way too long. 267 00:11:33,314 --> 00:11:36,450 - Radar? - O'Reilly. From "MASH." 268 00:11:36,484 --> 00:11:37,919 What's "MASH"? 269 00:11:37,952 --> 00:11:40,288 Oh, my God. How old aren't you? 270 00:11:40,321 --> 00:11:43,257 Can you do a 5:30 face-to-face with Gustaf and Gottfrid? 271 00:11:43,291 --> 00:11:45,326 Who schedules a meeting at 5:30? 272 00:11:45,359 --> 00:11:48,162 - Gustaf and Gottfrid. - Maybe they're still on Swedish time? 273 00:11:48,196 --> 00:11:51,900 Well, I promised Jules I'd take him to Five Guys tonight. 274 00:11:51,933 --> 00:11:53,367 Okay. 275 00:11:55,303 --> 00:11:59,340 Fuck it! All right, tell them I'll be there. 276 00:11:59,373 --> 00:12:01,475 Got it. 277 00:12:01,509 --> 00:12:03,144 Reporter: The Charlie Hebdo shootings 278 00:12:03,177 --> 00:12:05,079 suggest a new al-Qaeda, experts say. 279 00:12:05,113 --> 00:12:06,414 You got to hand it to bin Laden. 280 00:12:06,447 --> 00:12:09,217 What'd he spend on 9/11? Couple hundred grand? 281 00:12:09,250 --> 00:12:11,886 I couldn't make a Web film for that much. 282 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:14,823 Al-Qaeda's been on the cover of every magazine ever since. 283 00:12:14,856 --> 00:12:17,291 9/10, no one ever heard of that brand. 284 00:12:17,325 --> 00:12:19,360 9/12, not a person alive who hadn't. 285 00:12:19,393 --> 00:12:22,063 ISIS comes along, expands the market to the West. 286 00:12:22,096 --> 00:12:24,966 - Women are joining that group. Did you know that? - Yeah. 287 00:12:24,999 --> 00:12:28,169 These homicidal motherfuckers are fantastic marketers. 288 00:12:28,202 --> 00:12:30,038 Al-Qaeda is not a brand, Jonathan. 289 00:12:30,071 --> 00:12:31,572 It's a terrorist organization. 290 00:12:31,605 --> 00:12:34,042 Everything's a brand, Thom. I'm a brand, you're a brand. 291 00:12:34,075 --> 00:12:37,345 - God's a brand. And a brand in trouble. - ( TV turns off ) 292 00:12:38,279 --> 00:12:39,981 Are you getting fired? 293 00:12:40,014 --> 00:12:41,482 Things have changed, Thom. 294 00:12:41,515 --> 00:12:44,052 Thinking is not as important as tweeting. 295 00:12:44,085 --> 00:12:48,823 Gustaf and Gottfrid have thousands of followers and you're on AOL. 296 00:12:48,857 --> 00:12:51,860 Sorry, am I getting fired for not having a Facebook account? 297 00:12:51,893 --> 00:12:54,128 You test poorly, Thom. You taste great, 298 00:12:54,162 --> 00:12:56,130 but it's a less filling world. 299 00:12:56,164 --> 00:12:59,000 Your clothes suck, you're out of shape. You're 44. 300 00:12:59,033 --> 00:13:02,203 Fuck you, you 52-year-old, 301 00:13:02,236 --> 00:13:04,005 skinny jeans-wearing asshole. 302 00:13:04,038 --> 00:13:05,473 Executive level, Thom. 303 00:13:05,506 --> 00:13:07,541 The City of Refuge for the bespectacled 304 00:13:07,575 --> 00:13:10,144 lumpenproles of the 50-plus crowd. 305 00:13:10,178 --> 00:13:13,414 The board has given the Swedes control of the creative department. 306 00:13:13,447 --> 00:13:16,117 - They want to turn things around. - I have to report to them? 307 00:13:16,150 --> 00:13:18,552 Jesus Christ, Thom. The industry is in the shitter. 308 00:13:18,586 --> 00:13:20,121 You know that. They all are. 309 00:13:20,154 --> 00:13:21,355 We've hit peak America. 310 00:13:21,389 --> 00:13:23,091 We're sitting in a puddle of was. 311 00:13:23,124 --> 00:13:26,327 In a couple of months, I expect to be replaced by a fucking app. 312 00:13:28,462 --> 00:13:31,565 Look, I love you, Thom, 313 00:13:31,599 --> 00:13:34,635 but if you want to survive this, 314 00:13:34,668 --> 00:13:37,305 you've got to play the game. 315 00:13:37,338 --> 00:13:42,210 So marketer, rebrand thyself. 316 00:13:45,213 --> 00:13:47,181 Thom: There must be somewhere I can go. 317 00:13:47,215 --> 00:13:50,151 Where do you want to go? You want to go to some fucking digital company 318 00:13:50,184 --> 00:13:53,054 where you're coming up with shitty Facebook ideas all day? 319 00:13:53,087 --> 00:13:56,424 They won't touch you. Do you know that the average age 320 00:13:56,457 --> 00:13:59,260 of the Facebook employee is 26? 321 00:13:59,293 --> 00:14:02,196 31 at Google. 33 at Apple. 322 00:14:02,230 --> 00:14:04,565 You stay at MGT. Kiss some Nordic ass. 323 00:14:04,598 --> 00:14:07,335 Write your fucking novel. And I'm a headhunter. 324 00:14:07,368 --> 00:14:08,903 I lose money telling you this shit. 325 00:14:08,937 --> 00:14:11,339 You still need a copywriter, right? 326 00:14:11,372 --> 00:14:13,407 Did you check out Gwen's portfolio? 327 00:14:13,441 --> 00:14:14,943 She's a fucking genius. 328 00:14:14,976 --> 00:14:18,012 Great work for Geico gecko and the Aflac goose. 329 00:14:18,046 --> 00:14:19,447 It's a duck, by the way. 330 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,416 Oh, now, that's even funnier. ( laughs ) 331 00:14:22,450 --> 00:14:24,552 I just think, I don't know, 332 00:14:24,585 --> 00:14:29,090 I'd be happier someplace else. 333 00:14:29,123 --> 00:14:30,691 That's a myth, Thom. 334 00:14:30,724 --> 00:14:33,427 You're as happy right now as you can ever be. 335 00:14:33,461 --> 00:14:35,696 We each have our own joy ceiling. 336 00:14:35,729 --> 00:14:38,499 It doesn't matter how much fucking money you have 337 00:14:38,532 --> 00:14:40,334 or how perfect your family is 338 00:14:40,368 --> 00:14:42,303 or how many Pulitzers you win. 339 00:14:42,336 --> 00:14:44,705 You hit your joy ceiling and you're done. 340 00:14:44,738 --> 00:14:48,209 That's why Jesus wept. Low joy ceiling. 341 00:14:48,242 --> 00:14:50,945 Richard Simmons, high joy ceiling. 342 00:14:50,979 --> 00:14:52,646 And that fucking monk, what's his name? 343 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,516 Thich Nhat whatever the fuck, very high joy ceiling. 344 00:14:55,549 --> 00:14:58,652 Thom Payne, low joy ceiling. 345 00:14:58,686 --> 00:15:01,655 It's not the pursuit of happiness that's our problem. 346 00:15:01,689 --> 00:15:05,493 It's our inability to accept when we have maxed out. 347 00:15:05,526 --> 00:15:07,328 You think you're not happy? 348 00:15:07,361 --> 00:15:11,399 Trust me, Thom, you couldn't possibly be happier. 349 00:15:36,057 --> 00:15:37,491 Forta-Dude. 350 00:15:37,525 --> 00:15:42,430 "Get amped and ripped as you max out those reps like never before." 351 00:15:42,463 --> 00:15:44,232 Jesus, fuck. 352 00:15:44,265 --> 00:15:46,367 Man: Okay, Thom Payne. 353 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:51,239 By show of hands, how many of you find Thom likable? 354 00:15:51,272 --> 00:15:52,773 ( group laughs ) 355 00:15:52,806 --> 00:15:55,043 Does anybody here find Thom likable? 356 00:15:55,076 --> 00:15:58,012 - ( group laughs ) - Nobody? Interesting. 357 00:15:58,046 --> 00:16:00,514 How many of you would like to be like Thom someday? 358 00:16:00,548 --> 00:16:03,184 - Man: Hell, no. - Hey, let me ask you this. 359 00:16:03,217 --> 00:16:06,520 How many of you think Thom should just kill himself? 360 00:16:06,554 --> 00:16:09,457 - That's a yes. - Why? 361 00:16:09,490 --> 00:16:12,393 Because I don't look like this shithead? 362 00:16:12,426 --> 00:16:15,463 I'm not supposed to look like that. 363 00:16:15,496 --> 00:16:18,432 I have a job, a wife, and a child. 364 00:16:18,466 --> 00:16:21,169 Do you know how much time 365 00:16:21,202 --> 00:16:24,605 this ridiculous asshole spends to look like that? 366 00:16:24,638 --> 00:16:26,374 Hours every fucking day. 367 00:16:26,407 --> 00:16:30,478 Do you know how much self-loathing it requires to have washboard abs? 368 00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:34,815 How much you've got to hate yourself to work that fucking hard? 369 00:16:34,848 --> 00:16:37,751 Abs don't tell the world you're healthy. 370 00:16:37,785 --> 00:16:42,190 They tell the world you're one Twinkie away from killing yourself. 371 00:16:42,223 --> 00:16:44,158 It's true. I hate myself. 372 00:16:44,192 --> 00:16:47,228 I pursue an impossible standard of physical perfection 373 00:16:47,261 --> 00:16:49,097 in the hope it will make me worthy of love. 374 00:16:49,130 --> 00:16:51,699 - Thank you. - Again with the projection. 375 00:16:51,732 --> 00:16:53,734 Bitch projects like a motherfucker, yo. 376 00:16:53,767 --> 00:16:56,204 Chill out, Thom. Camus said Sisyphus 377 00:16:56,237 --> 00:16:58,239 was happy in his absurd existence, a'ight? 378 00:16:58,272 --> 00:17:00,641 Camus also said that the ridiculousness of life 379 00:17:00,674 --> 00:17:02,776 requires revolt, not suicide. 380 00:17:02,810 --> 00:17:06,814 Okay, show of hands, how many of you think Thom is capable of revolt? 381 00:17:08,216 --> 00:17:10,584 - ( group snickers ) - Interesting. 382 00:17:10,618 --> 00:17:13,787 Mmm, interesting. Go fuck yourselves. 383 00:17:13,821 --> 00:17:15,789 Nice tits, asshole. 384 00:17:15,823 --> 00:17:18,792 Lee: Hey, honey, it's me. It's about 4:00. 385 00:17:18,826 --> 00:17:21,862 Listen, don't worry about it. Jules is gonna be fine. 386 00:17:21,895 --> 00:17:24,865 Fathers miss dinner all the time. 387 00:17:24,898 --> 00:17:26,767 So why don't you just get in there, 388 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:30,471 tell those Swedes how much you love IKEA 389 00:17:30,504 --> 00:17:32,773 and Douchen-Baggen duvet covers 390 00:17:32,806 --> 00:17:37,545 and freestanding Bergen-Belsen lamps, 391 00:17:37,578 --> 00:17:40,348 and we'll meet you at the Funny Farm, okay? 392 00:17:40,381 --> 00:17:42,583 - I love you. - ( sighs ) 393 00:17:53,394 --> 00:17:55,463 ( belches ) 394 00:18:01,269 --> 00:18:03,537 ( applause ) 395 00:18:03,571 --> 00:18:05,439 ( cheering ) 396 00:18:05,473 --> 00:18:09,243 Thank you. Thank you. 397 00:18:09,277 --> 00:18:13,781 Now, what we have to do first is take a look at all the accounts 398 00:18:13,814 --> 00:18:17,451 and say where can we be doing the better work? 399 00:18:17,485 --> 00:18:22,456 Yeah? Where are the opportunities for disruption? 400 00:18:22,490 --> 00:18:24,658 For misruption? 401 00:18:24,692 --> 00:18:28,929 Business today travels at the speed of ideas. 402 00:18:28,962 --> 00:18:32,200 And you don't have to like it, but you can't ignore it. 403 00:18:32,233 --> 00:18:36,204 First we had the black and white, yeah? 404 00:18:36,237 --> 00:18:38,672 Then came color. 405 00:18:38,706 --> 00:18:40,874 What comes after color? 406 00:18:40,908 --> 00:18:43,344 You tell us. 407 00:18:43,377 --> 00:18:46,814 What would Steve Jobs do with the Army account? 408 00:18:46,847 --> 00:18:49,683 Yeah? Or even at brands like Keebler? 409 00:18:49,717 --> 00:18:53,954 How are we using the social? 410 00:18:53,987 --> 00:18:57,291 Maybe it's time we shipped the little elves off to Miami. 411 00:18:57,325 --> 00:19:00,694 - ( laughter ) - For a, uh, how do you say it? 412 00:19:00,728 --> 00:19:02,430 ( whispering ) 413 00:19:02,463 --> 00:19:04,332 A forced retirement. 414 00:19:04,365 --> 00:19:06,700 ( laughter ) 415 00:19:06,734 --> 00:19:10,204 ( mocking laughter ) 416 00:19:11,672 --> 00:19:13,741 - Why? - Why what? 417 00:19:13,774 --> 00:19:17,345 Why does Keebler need a social media plan? 418 00:19:17,378 --> 00:19:19,847 Because it isn't the '90s. 419 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,850 - ( laughter ) - It's a cookie, Gustaf. 420 00:19:22,883 --> 00:19:26,354 - I'm Gottfrid. - Oh, right, well, you know, unfriend me. 421 00:19:26,387 --> 00:19:28,322 - ( laughter ) - Yeah, I'm sorry. 422 00:19:28,356 --> 00:19:29,457 You know, I bought some-- 423 00:19:29,490 --> 00:19:31,492 excuse me-- Pepto-Bismol yesterday. 424 00:19:31,525 --> 00:19:34,362 That's what I get for eating in the downstairs cafeteria. 425 00:19:34,395 --> 00:19:37,365 - ( laughter ) - And on the side of the package 426 00:19:37,398 --> 00:19:40,368 - I swear it said, "Follow us on Twitter." - Yeah. Yeah. 427 00:19:40,401 --> 00:19:44,672 Who the fuck wants to follow Pepto-Bismol on Twitter? 428 00:19:44,705 --> 00:19:46,540 Are you that lonely? 429 00:19:46,574 --> 00:19:50,678 I mean, what the fuck is wrong with your fucking asshole 430 00:19:50,711 --> 00:19:54,282 that you need to follow Pepto-Bismol on Twitter? 431 00:19:54,315 --> 00:19:57,251 What is it? Is it like I need to take a shit. 432 00:19:57,285 --> 00:20:01,689 Hmm, I wonder what's going on in the pink bismuth world. 433 00:20:02,790 --> 00:20:05,959 - ( murmuring ) - ( man clearing throat ) 434 00:20:05,993 --> 00:20:08,762 Look, Keebler had its best year last year 435 00:20:08,796 --> 00:20:12,433 and old or not, those elves are beloved in this country. 436 00:20:12,466 --> 00:20:14,502 Gottfrid: My grandparents are beloved, too, 437 00:20:14,535 --> 00:20:18,306 - but I'm not going to hire them, am I? - ( laughter ) 438 00:20:18,339 --> 00:20:21,509 Gottfrid, I don't think we have enough money in the budget for both of them. 439 00:20:21,542 --> 00:20:25,313 - ( laughter ) - That right there is something that we need to change. 440 00:20:25,346 --> 00:20:27,448 This technophobia. 441 00:20:27,481 --> 00:20:30,851 I agree. Why don't we fire your grandparents? 442 00:20:30,884 --> 00:20:33,387 - Maybe, Thom. - Maybe, maybe. 443 00:20:33,421 --> 00:20:35,856 I'm sorry, I'm feeling a little strange. 444 00:20:35,889 --> 00:20:37,658 I'm gonna take a lie-down. 445 00:20:37,691 --> 00:20:40,328 But if any of you are Pinterested, 446 00:20:40,361 --> 00:20:43,997 you can follow my fucking asshole on Twitter. 447 00:20:44,031 --> 00:20:46,300 ( murmuring ) 448 00:20:46,334 --> 00:20:49,703 Okay, some strong opinions. 449 00:20:49,737 --> 00:20:51,439 ( laughter ) 450 00:20:51,472 --> 00:20:54,875 ( gunshots ) 451 00:20:54,908 --> 00:20:57,978 Fuck! What the fuck? 452 00:21:02,115 --> 00:21:04,084 Thom: Fast Eddie. 453 00:21:04,117 --> 00:21:06,186 ( gunshot ) 454 00:21:10,057 --> 00:21:11,925 Ernie? 455 00:21:13,761 --> 00:21:15,363 Ernie? 456 00:21:15,396 --> 00:21:17,598 Hold it right there. 457 00:21:17,631 --> 00:21:20,368 Ernie, what the hell are you doing? 458 00:21:20,401 --> 00:21:22,035 46 years, Thom. 459 00:21:22,069 --> 00:21:24,838 46 fucking years I gave that company 460 00:21:24,872 --> 00:21:26,840 living in this fucking tree, Thom. 461 00:21:26,874 --> 00:21:28,709 And now they're going to fire me? 462 00:21:28,742 --> 00:21:30,978 Well, not if I kill us all first. 463 00:21:31,011 --> 00:21:33,447 Ernie, Ernie, no one's gonna fire you. 464 00:21:33,481 --> 00:21:35,849 - I won't let them. - You fucking pussy. 465 00:21:35,883 --> 00:21:37,751 You'll be lucky if they don't fire you. 466 00:21:37,785 --> 00:21:40,754 Ernie, what about JJ and Buckets? 467 00:21:40,788 --> 00:21:42,122 And Elmer? Little Elmer. 468 00:21:42,155 --> 00:21:44,458 Doesn't Elmer deserve a father? 469 00:21:44,492 --> 00:21:46,927 A father who takes it up the ass his whole life. 470 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,630 Shit, they might as well just move in with you. 471 00:21:49,663 --> 00:21:52,866 No, no, no, stop. We can make this right, Ernie. 472 00:21:52,900 --> 00:21:56,870 We can make it right. Like-- like Steve Jobs. 473 00:21:56,904 --> 00:21:58,739 Like Steve what? 474 00:21:58,772 --> 00:22:01,074 The jack. The iPod jack. 475 00:22:01,108 --> 00:22:03,777 He wanted to make a bad situation right, 476 00:22:03,811 --> 00:22:05,879 so he had 100 engineers 477 00:22:05,913 --> 00:22:08,549 fix every single one and work all night. 478 00:22:08,582 --> 00:22:11,552 Just to make it right, Ernie. 479 00:22:11,585 --> 00:22:13,621 They worked all night? 480 00:22:13,654 --> 00:22:15,155 All night, buddy. 481 00:22:15,188 --> 00:22:18,158 He sounds like a fucking prick. 482 00:22:18,191 --> 00:22:21,895 - ( gunshot ) - ( screams ) 483 00:22:21,929 --> 00:22:24,565 - Ma! - Oh, my Ernie. 484 00:22:24,598 --> 00:22:26,667 My Ernie. Oh, no. 485 00:22:26,700 --> 00:22:28,502 - So sorry. - ( sobbing ) No! 486 00:22:28,536 --> 00:22:30,571 - I'm so sorry. - No. 487 00:22:30,604 --> 00:22:32,105 Oh! 488 00:22:32,139 --> 00:22:34,808 ( moaning ) 489 00:22:36,677 --> 00:22:39,447 Oh, my stars! 490 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:42,049 So soft. 491 00:22:42,082 --> 00:22:43,917 So chewy. 492 00:22:43,951 --> 00:22:46,987 Oh, Thom. What are you doing? 493 00:22:47,020 --> 00:22:51,124 Oh, Thom. Thom, I have waited so long for this. 494 00:22:51,158 --> 00:22:53,661 Oh, my, Thom. 495 00:22:53,694 --> 00:22:56,930 That's uncommonly good. Ooh! 496 00:22:56,964 --> 00:23:00,133 You're double-stuffed. ( moaning ) 497 00:23:00,167 --> 00:23:02,736 You're so fucking double-stuffed. Huh? 498 00:23:02,770 --> 00:23:05,739 - Thom? - You gonna take your teeth out, hmm? 499 00:23:05,773 --> 00:23:08,909 Ahem, Thom, they canceled. 500 00:23:10,744 --> 00:23:12,680 - What time is it? - 6:30. 501 00:23:12,713 --> 00:23:14,748 - I'm late. - They canceled. 502 00:23:14,782 --> 00:23:16,684 - Jules? - The Swedes. 503 00:23:16,717 --> 00:23:18,886 Oh, motherfuckers! 504 00:23:19,787 --> 00:23:22,823 ( children playing ) 505 00:23:22,856 --> 00:23:25,959 Julius, want to go down the slide, honey? 506 00:23:25,993 --> 00:23:28,762 No, I don't want to go down. 507 00:23:28,796 --> 00:23:31,899 Okay, you don't-- you don't have to go down the slide 508 00:23:31,932 --> 00:23:34,167 if you don't want to. Don't do it for me, honey. 509 00:23:34,201 --> 00:23:36,604 If you don't want to go down, don't go down. 510 00:23:39,807 --> 00:23:41,975 My Alexander used to be like that. 511 00:23:42,009 --> 00:23:44,545 Now he goes down headfirst. 512 00:23:45,879 --> 00:23:48,248 - Used to be like what? - What? 513 00:23:48,281 --> 00:23:51,619 You said your son used to be like that. Be like what? 514 00:23:51,652 --> 00:23:53,253 Oh, just, you know. 515 00:23:53,286 --> 00:23:55,088 Why don't you mind your own fucking business? 516 00:23:56,957 --> 00:23:59,660 Jules, just-- just come on down. 517 00:23:59,693 --> 00:24:01,629 We're here to have fun. 518 00:24:01,662 --> 00:24:04,532 - I was just trying to be helpful. - No, you weren't. 519 00:24:04,565 --> 00:24:06,867 You were trying to be superior at the Funny Farm. 520 00:24:06,900 --> 00:24:09,870 - It's fucking pathetic. - ( phone rings ) 521 00:24:09,903 --> 00:24:11,872 Hi. 522 00:24:11,905 --> 00:24:15,142 - They canceled. - Are you kidding me? 523 00:24:15,175 --> 00:24:18,078 - Oh, this is bullshit, Thom. - There's nothing I can do. 524 00:24:18,111 --> 00:24:21,214 Oh, well, they don't have families, they don't have kids, why would they give a shit? 525 00:24:21,248 --> 00:24:24,685 They are fucking kids. I still can't tell them to fuck off. 526 00:24:24,718 --> 00:24:27,120 Thom, it's fucking bullshit. 527 00:24:28,556 --> 00:24:30,157 How's Julius? 528 00:24:30,190 --> 00:24:32,693 Is he just sitting there doing nothing? 529 00:24:32,726 --> 00:24:34,261 No, he's having a great time. 530 00:24:37,598 --> 00:24:39,567 Let me talk to him. 531 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:40,934 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 532 00:24:40,968 --> 00:24:43,671 It's Dada. 533 00:24:43,704 --> 00:24:45,673 Hi, Dada. 534 00:24:45,706 --> 00:24:47,107 Hey, buddy boy. 535 00:24:47,140 --> 00:24:49,543 What's going on? You having fun? 536 00:24:49,577 --> 00:24:50,911 Not really. 537 00:24:50,944 --> 00:24:53,781 Hey, Dad, your balloon is dying. 538 00:24:53,814 --> 00:24:55,583 The red one from your party. 539 00:24:55,616 --> 00:24:57,851 Thom: Hey, I'll get you a new one, I promise. 540 00:24:57,885 --> 00:25:00,554 And, hey, 541 00:25:00,588 --> 00:25:03,323 I'm really sorry I wasn't there today, okay? 542 00:25:03,356 --> 00:25:05,726 Sure, I know. 543 00:25:05,759 --> 00:25:07,260 Next week, I promise. 544 00:25:07,294 --> 00:25:11,331 Okay, we'll go next week. Bye, Dada. 545 00:25:11,364 --> 00:25:13,133 Bye, buddy. 546 00:25:27,047 --> 00:25:29,182 Jonathan? 547 00:25:50,804 --> 00:25:53,040 ( sniffing ) Martini? 548 00:25:53,073 --> 00:25:57,010 ( sniffing ) A little dirty. 549 00:25:57,044 --> 00:25:59,379 ( sniffing ) Vodka. Vodka? 550 00:25:59,412 --> 00:26:02,382 Gin. Face-to-face with the Swedes 551 00:26:02,415 --> 00:26:04,985 down at the bar cleaning up your fucking mess. 552 00:26:05,018 --> 00:26:06,854 You can't remember their names, can you? 553 00:26:06,887 --> 00:26:09,389 - Fuck you, Thom. - Excuse me? 554 00:26:09,422 --> 00:26:12,793 'Tis pity we're all whores, isn't it, Thom? 555 00:26:12,826 --> 00:26:14,127 Everyone but you. 556 00:26:14,161 --> 00:26:16,864 I must say, that was a stirring oratory 557 00:26:16,897 --> 00:26:21,168 you delivered earlier on the rights of animated elves. 558 00:26:22,302 --> 00:26:25,806 You suck the same cocks we all do, Thom. 559 00:26:25,839 --> 00:26:29,142 Wincing at the taste doesn't make you a better man, 560 00:26:29,176 --> 00:26:31,679 it only makes you a worse whore. 561 00:26:31,712 --> 00:26:35,883 So if you're gonna show me the error of my ways, 562 00:26:35,916 --> 00:26:39,286 do it from the cedar deck of your four-bedroom, 563 00:26:39,319 --> 00:26:41,288 two-and-a-half-bath American dream 564 00:26:41,321 --> 00:26:43,791 that you earned the same way I earned mine. 565 00:26:45,192 --> 00:26:47,327 You should drink more, Jon. 566 00:26:48,796 --> 00:26:50,698 I couldn't possibly. 567 00:27:37,244 --> 00:27:38,846 ( whispering ) What's that? 568 00:27:38,879 --> 00:27:40,814 That's just balloons. 569 00:27:40,848 --> 00:27:44,051 Oh, thank you, you dick. I meant in the bag. 570 00:27:45,118 --> 00:27:47,955 Oh, that's some champagne. 571 00:27:47,988 --> 00:27:49,757 Hmm. 572 00:27:49,790 --> 00:27:53,160 And 50mg of hard-on. 573 00:27:53,193 --> 00:27:55,863 Are we fucking? 574 00:27:55,896 --> 00:27:57,497 Yes, we're fucking. 575 00:27:57,530 --> 00:28:00,233 "Chemical cock." My favorite. 576 00:28:00,267 --> 00:28:03,403 Except I took some 20 minutes ago and nothing's happened. 577 00:28:03,436 --> 00:28:05,038 Oh, no, wait. There it is. 578 00:28:05,072 --> 00:28:07,174 - Stand back. - Yeah, mmm. 579 00:28:07,207 --> 00:28:09,509 Whoa. ( laughs ) 580 00:28:09,542 --> 00:28:12,145 - Our safe word is "Swede." - Let's do it. 581 00:28:12,179 --> 00:28:14,381 - Yeah. - Imagine the scenario... 582 00:28:14,414 --> 00:28:16,283 Thom: Sometimes on the way to work, 583 00:28:16,316 --> 00:28:19,286 I like to imagine Samuel Beckett 584 00:28:19,319 --> 00:28:21,454 waiting for, let's say, 585 00:28:21,488 --> 00:28:24,424 the 6:47 to Grand Central. 586 00:28:24,457 --> 00:28:27,060 And Sam's pissed off. He hates his job. 587 00:28:27,094 --> 00:28:30,197 Wants to write, wants to do something that matters. 588 00:28:30,230 --> 00:28:32,900 But he does his shitty job every day 589 00:28:32,933 --> 00:28:35,803 because Sam loves his wife and they love their child. 590 00:28:35,836 --> 00:28:38,405 And somehow Sam's found a sliver of happiness 591 00:28:38,438 --> 00:28:40,473 in this shitpile of a world. 592 00:28:40,507 --> 00:28:43,210 So basically, Sam's fucked. 593 00:28:43,243 --> 00:28:46,379 ( clamoring ) 594 00:28:50,250 --> 00:28:52,019 My apologies. 595 00:28:52,052 --> 00:28:54,554 Thom: Because if he wants to keep that happiness, 596 00:28:54,587 --> 00:28:57,490 Sam's got to suck some cock. 597 00:28:57,524 --> 00:28:59,927 The same cocks we all do. 598 00:29:01,461 --> 00:29:03,496 So Beckett takes his seat on the train, 599 00:29:03,530 --> 00:29:06,099 fires up his iPad and he thinks, 600 00:29:06,133 --> 00:29:10,203 "I can't go on. I'll go on to Target. 601 00:29:10,237 --> 00:29:13,106 It's 30% off all skinny jeans 602 00:29:13,140 --> 00:29:15,175 till next motherfucking Monday." 603 00:29:15,208 --> 00:29:18,511 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 604 00:29:18,545 --> 00:29:21,214 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 605 00:29:21,248 --> 00:29:24,117 * If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it * 606 00:29:24,151 --> 00:29:26,854 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 607 00:29:26,887 --> 00:29:29,322 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 608 00:29:29,356 --> 00:29:32,192 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 609 00:29:32,225 --> 00:29:35,095 * If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it * 610 00:29:35,128 --> 00:29:37,831 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 611 00:29:37,865 --> 00:29:40,533 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 612 00:29:40,567 --> 00:29:43,270 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 613 00:29:43,303 --> 00:29:46,106 * If you're happy and you know it, then motherfucking show it * 614 00:29:46,139 --> 00:29:48,876 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your motherfucking hands * 615 00:29:48,909 --> 00:29:52,112 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. *