1
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:50,343
- Evening.
- Hello. Thank you.

2
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:16,104
Come on.

3
00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:35,602
Hi.

4
00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:38,182
What?

5
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:40,886
Hello, Ryan. I'm Nancy.

6
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,220
What's this? Why...

7
00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,290
Has it... What's your...

8
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,081
Hey...

9
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,689
It's too much, I think.

10
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,340
That's funny, look at that.

11
00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:00,410
It's Ryan, right? Isn't it? It's Ryan...

12
00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:02,540
I mean, not as in Ryan Wright.

13
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,449
Like, your name's not Ryan Wright.

14
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:07,340
Though you could be.
You could be Mr Ryan Wright.

15
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,340
You could be Mr Right.

16
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,540
Either way you're the right Ryan for me.

17
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:14,880
Oh, my God.

18
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:16,925
You can do this.

19
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:20,220
You just put yourself out there.

20
00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:22,004
See what happens.

21
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:25,060
Just don't drink too much.

22
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,180
Good. And you're going.

23
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:32,942
You're going. You're gone.

24
00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:44,330
Fuck it.

25
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:53,340
There is a very, very nice beach.

26
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,020
Terns nest there. It's beautiful.

27
00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:57,531
Terns?

28
00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:01,220
If I help you, Clarice,
it will be turns with us, too.

29
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,340
Quid pro quo.
I tell you things, you tell me things.

30
00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:09,100
Not about this case, though;
about yourself. Quid pro quo.

31
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:10,964
Yes or no?

32
00:04:13,268 --> 00:04:16,981
Yes or no, Clarice?
Poor little Catherine is waiting...

33
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:20,500
- Hi.
- Hi.

34
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,649
- Room service.
- Yes. Right this way.

35
00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:28,340
Lovely. Yes. Great.

36
00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,260
- There, lovely.
- Hmm...

37
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:32,900
- OK?
- So, tell me, Andrew...

38
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,820
- Can I call you Andy?
- Of course, yeah.

39
00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:36,940
How is the party going on downstairs?

40
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:38,700
- Going pretty well, I think.
- Is it?

41
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:42,060
Yeah. Erm, you know
there's food down there?

42
00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:46,740
Yeah, I know. I'm just not really
in the party mood tonight.

43
00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:49,220
Do you have any ketchup,
Andy, please? Hello?

44
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:50,660
Who's Andy?

45
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:53,100
A very nice young man
who's just brought me dinner.

46
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:54,980
You're not at the party?

47
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:57,860
I'm not at the party but I'm at a party.

48
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:02,220
Hannibal and Clarice are here. Not to
mention Andy. But he's just leaving.

49
00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:03,860
No, alright. Put him on, please.

50
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:06,770
Andy. My sister
would like to speak to you.

51
00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:12,040
- Sorry.
- Thank you.

52
00:05:13,304 --> 00:05:15,980
- Hello?
- Hi, Andy. I'm Elaine. Listen.

53
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:19,980
There'll be a dress hanging up
somewhere. Can you give it to her?

54
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:21,525
Ah, yeah. OK.

55
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,860
No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no...

56
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,540
No. No. Andy.

57
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:29,060
- And tell her to put some make-up on.
- She wants you to put some make-up on.

58
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:33,260
OK. That's enough. Do you have
a napkin or something, please?

59
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:37,445
Look, Elaine, I've been ambushed.
Some setup with a guy

60
00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:40,980
- that Katie worked with.
- Well, excellent. This is good.

61
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:44,660
Come on! It's just all so organised
and awkward and I can't bear it.

62
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:47,220
But how the hell else
are you gonna meet someone?

63
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:48,765
Well, I've met Andy.

64
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,540
Oh, he's leaving. He didn't like that.

65
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:54,180
Could you put the "Do Not Disturb"
sign on, please?

66
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,540
No, don't do it, Andy.
Take her with you!

67
00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,340
Ah, you're yelling.

68
00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:00,100
You've gone all the way there.

69
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:03,700
Just put your dress on.
Just pop down, show your face.

70
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,660
- Stay ten minutes.
- The party's themed, Elaine.

71
00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,500
Oh, God, really? Get your notepad.

72
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:12,140
No, please.
Come on, I'm too old for this shit.

73
00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:14,322
You're 34, not 84.

74
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,440
Come on, let's hear those mantras.

75
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,060
- Put yourself out there.
- Good.

76
00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:28,404
- Take chances.
- Now a little less hollow and robotic.

77
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,921
Get stronger thighs.

78
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,100
Be more deviant.

79
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,860
Learn French. Cook more.

80
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:45,620
Understand the Israeli-Palestinian
conflict better.

81
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:47,783
Engage with...

82
00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:53,322
...life.

83
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:57,220
Finally! Nearly sent out a search party.

84
00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:58,940
Call them off.

85
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:02,408
- Here, have a mojito. First one's free.
- OK, well... Alright.

86
00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:06,100
Paid for them all with my savings
and now I have no savings.

87
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:10,580
Aw. Happy engagement.
I got you, literally, a small present.

88
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:14,020
I am so touched that you thought of me
when you raided the mini-bar.

89
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,884
- Wow.
- Here she is, here she is.

90
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,140
Oh, Nancy, you look amazing!

91
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,860
- Cheers.
- He's gonna love her. Come on.

92
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:26,740
I need just a moment longer
with my mojito and then I can jump in.

93
00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:29,060
He hates Facebook. He loves yoga.

94
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:31,401
- He's really creative...
- Oh, good, yeah.

95
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:34,780
- He is perfect for you.
- I knew you'd say that.

96
00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:36,620
- Oh, come on.
- Alright, alright.

97
00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:39,166
We were set up and look at us now.

98
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:48,700
Dom, it is like your single years have
been completely wiped from your memory.

99
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:53,220
I mean, do you remember
that one girl who just cried?

100
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:58,220
She cried all the way through giving you
a blow job. She was weeping.

101
00:08:02,028 --> 00:08:03,722
So sad.

102
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,540
And look at you now.

103
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:10,980
And look at you both.
Yeah, really special.

104
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:14,900
- Come on, give him a chance.
- Yeah, I will. Bring it on.

105
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:19,180
You know, like me, another sad
single loser in their mid-30s, right?

106
00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:22,060
No. I'm actually a sad single loser
in my late 30s.

107
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:23,640
Hey!

108
00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:26,285
He was right there.

109
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,368
I was crying with happiness.

110
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,443
- Oh, erm...
- Sorry.

111
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:35,700
Ryan. 37.

112
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,340
Nancy. 34.

113
00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:39,780
Sorry, my hand's a bit wet.
It's not wee.

114
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:41,940
- Right.
- It's mojito.

115
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:43,860
I mean, I didn't think it was wee.

116
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:47,500
Why would it be wee? That would imply
very poor personal hygiene.

117
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:49,762
I mean, I don't wipe with my hand.

118
00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:54,020
I use toilet paper
just like everyone else does.

119
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,860
- Well, that's a relief.
- Hm.

120
00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:00,407
So is wee in a way,
if you think about it.

121
00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:20,521
- Oh, how about another drink?
- Yeah, that would be great. Yeah.

122
00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:27,740
- Let me get these.
- Oh, no, it's fine.

123
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:29,860
- No, it's alright.
- No, no, seriously.

124
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,500
- OK, you can get them.
- You get them?

125
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:36,685
- I'll get them, shall I?
- Great, cheers. Thank you.

126
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:41,980
Ah... Busted.

127
00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:44,740
You've got a picture of your ex
in the old wallet.

128
00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:46,700
Oh, no, that's my sister.

129
00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:51,806
Oh. She's very pretty.
I bet she gets all "ze boyz".

130
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:54,443
She's dead.

131
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:57,211
Wow. It's going so well.

132
00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:22,900
No, Elaine, I've got pictures
of my cats in my wallet

133
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,500
and they're alive and kicking

134
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,700
and I want people to ask me about them.

135
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:30,043
- Well, it's good that you went.
- Why is it good?

136
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:35,740
It's just so excruciating
and predictable, just as it always is.

137
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:39,447
I'm just gonna let my vagina
hermetically seal up.

138
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:42,260
- Yeah, well, that will really help.
- Never hurt Barbie.

139
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:46,060
She's got a beach buggy
and horses and a salon.

140
00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:47,400
And a boyfriend.

141
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:50,500
Is she still with that guy?
Such a fake smile.

142
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,740
- How long are you gonna be?
- Get your arse over here pronto.

143
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:58,020
We have a lot of nibbles
to put into a lot of bowls.

144
00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:00,100
About two hours.

145
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,443
A reminder to all passengers
that due to engineering work

146
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:06,140
no trains are currently stopping
at Clapham Junction.

147
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,580
- About seven hours.
- What the fuck?!

148
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:11,620
- I'm joking.
- Not funny.

149
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:13,700
- I can't do this on my own.
- Hello.

150
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,620
And don't forget the chocolate mousse.

151
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,980
Mum's obsessed.
And you've done your speech?

152
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:19,260
I've got a rough draft.

153
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:22,220
You haven't. You've done
a lot of doodles and crossing out.

154
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,580
- I mean, as if.
- Come on.

155
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:26,620
You know Dad loves it
when you do a speech.

156
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,540
So it needs to be good and special. OK?

157
00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:30,860
Fine.

158
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,260
- Oh, and Nancy?
- Yeah?

159
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:36,660
Don't seal up just yet.
It'll happen. I promise.

160
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,603
Yeah, yeah. Fuck off.

161
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:45,921
Oh.

162
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,260
Black...

163
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,010
pant...

164
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,969
wash.

165
00:11:58,080 --> 00:11:59,860
Sorry.

166
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,620
I couldn't help overhearing.

167
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:06,060
You should really think about
reading this.

168
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,162
Right. Right, right, right, right.

169
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:12,740
- Did it, then?
- Did it what?

170
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:15,411
- Change your life.
- Oh, erm...

171
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,500
- Maybe. Yeah.
- But maybe not as well?

172
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:22,860
Well, I like to give everything a go,
because otherwise what's the point?

173
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:27,921
You've got to hope it's going to work.
Because what is life without hope?

174
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:31,260
- Death.
- Death it is, then.

175
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:34,100
You see, you do need to read it.

176
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,500
I would lend you my copy
but I need it for my date.

177
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:41,500
- Why do you need a book for a date?
- It's how we'll recognise each other.

178
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:44,410
Oh, it's a setup? They always work.

179
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:48,340
They often work if the matchmaker
has done their homework.

180
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:52,340
All successful relationships are based
on whether you're both outdoorsy...

181
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:53,860
- Read it.
- Don't need to.

182
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,140
- It was a best seller.
- So was The Da Vinci Code.

183
00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:58,980
- Another excellent book.
- Not an excellent book.

184
00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:01,820
- I think it's what you need.
- Why does everyone tell me that?

185
00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:04,400
If they're always telling you,
you should listen.

186
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:07,763
I think you need to shh.
You need to shh your mouth.

187
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:11,860
- You want me to shh?
- I do, yeah. It would be great.

188
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,820
- I'm only suggest...
- It's time.

189
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,048
I think... I think we're done.

190
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:20,980
Ladies and gentlemen,

191
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:24,766
we are now arriving at our final
destination, London Waterloo.

192
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:51,690
- Sorry. Excuse me.
- I say.

193
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,371
Ow. Shit.

194
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:15,911
What?

195
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,689
- Excuse me, please.
- What?!

196
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,762
- There you go.
- Cheers.

197
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:51,620
- Where the fuck are you?
- Blimey, I'm not that late, am I?

198
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,900
Somebody threw themselves
on the track again.

199
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,500
I don't blame them,
there's so many delays.

200
00:14:56,600 --> 00:15:00,020
Hey, what a great way for us to
recognise each other. What a great idea.

201
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:03,820
Although I think it would have been hard
to miss you under that huge clock.

202
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,020
No, no, no...

203
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:08,180
What do we do in terms of saying hello?
I never know where to pitch it.

204
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:10,340
Is it a handshake? Is it a hug?
Is it formal?

205
00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:13,700
You know what, we're adults.
Let's just go in... Too soon for that?

206
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:15,820
Hello, there.

207
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:19,100
Oh, my God, that's not your
emergency exit phone call already?

208
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:22,580
I haven't had a chance
to use any of my best lines yet.

209
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,740
That wasn't one of them,
if you were worried.

210
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:26,500
Listen, I'll handle this, madam.

211
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,260
Hello, caller. Yes, we have met.

212
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:32,060
I am not a complete psychopath
and we've really hit it off.

213
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:34,980
She will call you later
with all the gory details.

214
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:37,740
So thank you for calling and goodbye.
There, done.

215
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:42,060
Alright! So, book, check.
And clock, check.

216
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:45,084
And blind date. Check!

217
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:53,020
Usually in this situation I would say
something and you'd say something back.

218
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,100
And then we'd talk about what we're
gonna do and exchange ideas.

219
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,646
You know, sort of
"quid pro quo, Clarice".

220
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:05,409
In hindsight, that wasn't the best
impression to do on a first date

221
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:09,540
because it... it brings to mind...
Anyway, I'm talking a lot

222
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:12,340
and I know you can sense it.
So I'm gonna just keep going

223
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:13,900
and I'm gonna start the bidding

224
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:17,060
with a drink on London's
fashionable South Bank.

225
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:20,403
So, as the book says,
what are you waiting for?

226
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:27,722
I am waiting for you.

227
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,940
- Good. Good.
- Yeah.

228
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:34,169
OK. Shall we...? After you, my lady.

229
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:36,740
I'm not a knight.

230
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,320
Yeah, let's do it.
We'll go out this way...

231
00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:52,660
What do you think?
Good stuff for the first few hours?

232
00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:55,100
Descending in quality as we do.

233
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,220
I'd go quality and quantity, Bert.
It's a massive night.

234
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:01,403
You're right. We bloody deserve it.

235
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,443
Let's go mental.

236
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:06,980
Seriously, you do deserve it.
I don't know how you've done it.

237
00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:10,402
Not that I don't intend to go
the whole distance myself, obviously.

238
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:13,820
I think the trick is, get through
the first 30, 40 years,

239
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:17,700
then just kind of give up.
From that point on it's a breeze.

240
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:19,780
- No, I mean it.
- How are we getting on?

241
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:22,060
- We are nailing it.
- That's great.

242
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:24,620
You can put about
half those lagers back, Adam.

243
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,860
What does Nancy want to drink?

244
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,260
- I'm not sure if...
- She wants vodka.

245
00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:32,443
The only spirit she can out-drink me on.
We'll see about that later.

246
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:33,700
No, we won't.

247
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:37,300
Guys, she didn't even answer the phone.
Some man did. I think she's on a date.

248
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,940
The man from last night?
I thought that didn't work out.

249
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:41,820
It didn't. It was a disaster.

250
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:44,780
- He was in love with his sister.
- Who answered the phone, then?

251
00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:47,406
Dad, I don't know.
He said he wasn't a psychopath.

252
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:49,540
Well, that sounds encouraging.

253
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:53,140
We're having a party. She's on a date.
I'm thinking she's gonna bring him.

254
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,300
- Bert!
- If he's not a psychopath.

255
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:58,260
Did he sound like a wine drinker
or more of a beer man?

256
00:17:58,360 --> 00:17:59,441
Bert!

257
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:02,020
- I'm just getting some more wine.
- Course you are.

258
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,700
The good host is prepared
for all eventualities.

259
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:06,740
Come on, Pattersons, clock's ticking.

260
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,161
Fran, you walk straight past that offer.

261
00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:13,700
So, what's going on? Is Nancy OK?

262
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,780
Yes. Yes, Mum, she's fine. She's just...

263
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:19,100
- He's looking forward to her speech.
- I know.

264
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:22,044
- So she is coming?
- Yes, of course she's coming.

265
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:27,363
Look, do you want me to write
a few words? You know, just in case.

266
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,060
Not really, darling, no.

267
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:33,220
Oh, God. That is horrible.

268
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:34,740
I'm sorry.

269
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:38,049
- I'll give her a call, then.
- Yes, please do, darling.

270
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,210
Ah...

271
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,660
- You OK? You seem a bit freaked out.
- Do I?

272
00:18:58,760 --> 00:18:59,860
Yeah.

273
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:03,060
Gosh. Sorry, just bit of
a first-date no-no...

274
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:05,780
Oh, my God, that's embarrassing.

275
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:07,980
- Oh, it's Tom.
- Oh.

276
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:09,241
Hey, buddy.

277
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:13,540
Yeah, I'm here. I'm with Jessica.

278
00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:15,740
Yeah, we're on the South Bank.

279
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,366
Yeah, d'you wanna speak to her? Alright.

280
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,411
We will.

281
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:27,100
Yeah. OK, Tom.
Yeah, I'm gonna hang up now.

282
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:28,884
Yeah, OK. Bye. Bye.

283
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,700
- He thought we hadn't met up.
- As if.

284
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:36,043
- Shall we switch these things off?
- Yeah. OK, good.

285
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,445
Right. So, Jessica.

286
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:40,780
So...

287
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:44,780
- Tom says that you work in the City.
- I do, yeah. That's what I do.

288
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,580
- Is that a stressful job?
- Ah, no.

289
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,980
"Lunch is for wimps."

290
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:51,060
Sorry.

291
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,180
- No, no, it's from Wall Street.
- Yeah.

292
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:56,443
"If you need a friend, get a dog."
I love that movie.

293
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,980
- You do?
- Yeah, it's one of my favourites.

294
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:02,300
- And you are a...?
- I'm an online marketing manager.

295
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:05,529
I love online marketing managing.

296
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:09,220
What I really wanna do is paint.

297
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:11,860
I don't wanna be an online
marketing manager forever

298
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,180
because, you know,
the bots are taking over!

299
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:18,700
They're gonna be managing
all the marketing in the future.

300
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:23,100
- It's like "help".
- Exactly, yeah. Erm...

301
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,220
- I'm a bit nervous, to be honest.
- Really?

302
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:30,451
Yeah. A little bit. Just a little bit.
I'm not used to all this dating chat.

303
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:34,780
Although, you know, I had a few
reservations about today,

304
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:37,740
but I just thought,
"You know what, Jack? I trust Tom."

305
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:41,890
He's not gonna set me up with somebody
who I've nothing in common with.

306
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,020
- And he's a good friend, right?
- Who, Tom?

307
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:47,020
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I'd take a bullet for him.

308
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:50,540
Yeah. So, shall we
get a beer or something?

309
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,450
- There's one of those pop-up bars.
- Sure, that'll be great.

310
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:56,220
They appear out of nowhere,
then they're gone the next day.

311
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:59,860
This can't be our favourite place
because it'll be gone in the morning.

312
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:03,020
- Can we get two Red Stripes?
- That'd be great.

313
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:04,700
- So...
- So...

314
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,860
Where are you on the old, you know,
the relationship...

315
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,660
the spectrum of relationships?

316
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:14,020
- It's my mime for relationships.
- That's good. Right.

317
00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:16,820
Well, I guess long-term-wise it's...

318
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:18,820
It's been a while.

319
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,580
- Since Pete, right?
- Since Pete.

320
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,100
Tom told me. Massive cock.

321
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,220
- Really?
- Huge.

322
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,220
- It wasn't that big...
- What he did to you.

323
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:27,580
- ...a deal.
- Unforgivable.

324
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:29,900
I know how it feels.
I had it done to me, you know.

325
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,540
- Affairs, eh? Who'd have them?
- Yeah...

326
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:33,860
- They would.
- They would.

327
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,440
The other people would.

328
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:39,260
So where are you on the... spectrum?

329
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:43,020
On the spectrum? I think recently,
I've had a few one-night stands.

330
00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:46,620
You know, just girls I've met at work

331
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:49,405
and in bars and just, like,
on the street.

332
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:56,041
But this is my first real date really
since the D-word.

333
00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:59,060
- Dead sister?
- Sorry?

334
00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:01,940
Just something I say before I drink.
Dead sister.

335
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:03,140
Dead sister.

336
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,700
But I'm not gonna let a failed marriage
put me off relationships for good.

337
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,180
Divorce.

338
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:10,900
You be thankful that
you and Pete didn't get hitched.

339
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,740
It gets a lot more complicated when you
have to figure out who gets the flat.

340
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,285
Winner.

341
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:19,242
- I did.
- Yeah.

342
00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:23,740
I got big home-improvement plans.
I'm gonna do up our... my flat.

343
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:25,900
Paint the hallways, bleach the sheets.

344
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:29,020
Anyway, let's not talk about that.
It's just bad juju.

345
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:31,407
- And I'm so over it.
- You really sound it.

346
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:35,060
It's in the past. What does it say
in Six Billion People and You?

347
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,860
- F... Fuck the past.
- Fuck the past, yeah.

348
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,940
If that book has taught me anything,
it's taught me that.

349
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,407
So, Tom says you're a triathlete.

350
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,100
- Hm-hmm.
- Do you have to train a lot for that?

351
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:49,900
Yeah, I've just got
to regularly carb up.

352
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:51,300
Ah! Yeah, yeah.

353
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:54,500
Go on then. I don't mind.
I've actually worked out today...

354
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:58,571
I work out every day.
I like to keep fit. I pump iron, sure.

355
00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:01,340
- Whoa!
- Whoa!

356
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:05,260
This is nice, isn't it? I don't envy
any of my friends with kids.

357
00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:07,780
Are they here now? Hell, no.

358
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:11,300
They're at home lying in wait
for the next nappy change.

359
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:12,660
Not that I don't want kids.

360
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:16,020
I'm 40. They're not gonna be swimming
in the right direction forever.

361
00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:19,940
But just not right now. I should
probably get a girlfriend first.

362
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:24,700
I definitely want kids. I'm just not
freaking out about it yet.

363
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:27,406
I mean, why would you? You're 24.

364
00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:32,780
D'you wanna get out of here?
It is fucking freezing

365
00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:36,180
and I know a really fun place
just over the river.

366
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:40,285
We can get shots and maybe hang out
a bit more if you feel like it.

367
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:43,764
- Yeah, I'd love that.
- OK.

368
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:51,020
- This is gonna be fun.
- Yeah. What is it?

369
00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:52,860
It's like a cantina.

370
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:55,804
It's a bit cheesy
but you can have slammers and...

371
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:01,529
Oh, wow. Arriba!

372
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,210
- Hey, man.
- How's it going?

373
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:08,500
- Are you a regular here?
- Well, define "regular". What is it?

374
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:10,860
- Hi, Jack.
- Hey, Helen, how's it going?

375
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:11,980
Oh, so you...

376
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:13,220
Ah! Snap.

377
00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:15,140
- We're swapping, right?
- Swapping?

378
00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:18,900
For the genius Six Billion Ways to get
to know you list that you suggested.

379
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,940
Is that your one?
Mine's at the front. OK...

380
00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:26,900
Let's have a look, shall we? OK, then.

381
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,368
Shall I read yours first?
"Put yourself out there."

382
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:33,251
"Take chances."

383
00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:37,290
- "Black pant wash."
- It's a band.

384
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,180
- Are they new?
- Yeah, they're new.

385
00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:43,700
They're... They're fresh. Very young.
They're my favourite band.

386
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:46,451
Oh, yeah, of course.
Yeah, they're very, er, funky.

387
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,540
"Get stronger thighs."

388
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:53,180
Hey, this is spooky.
I also love spaghetti bolognese.

389
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:54,980
What are the chances of that?

390
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:58,402
- Like none chances.
- I know. That's the lists done.

391
00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:00,060
- Yeah!
- And didn't they go well?

392
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:01,900
- Really great.
- That was...

393
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,700
- Look, let me get this.
- No, I should get it.

394
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,140
- Please, let me.
- OK. I'll get the next ones.

395
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,980
- Oh, my God. Who are they?
- Who, what?

396
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:14,260
- These guys.
- Oh, this is Slash and Axl.

397
00:25:14,360 --> 00:25:15,660
Oh.

398
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:17,285
Paradise Kitties.

399
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:22,248
- I blew it, sorry. That was no good.
- Er...

400
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:28,340
Jack. I've got a confession to make
and I'm just gonna...

401
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,500
- So have I.
- ...come out with it. You have?

402
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:33,968
- I have, yeah. Let me go first. I...
- OK.

403
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:36,883
I've never heard of Black Pant Wash.

404
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:41,401
I'm sorry. I wanna be honest with you,
because honesty is very important...

405
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:42,540
Yes, I agree.

406
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:46,020
These lists are great
and they're a brilliant ice-breaker,

407
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:49,740
but you don't really believe that
just because we both like spag bol,

408
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:52,620
we're gonna wind up together
forever, right?

409
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:56,140
- Depends on the spag bol.
- Might be a really good spag bol.

410
00:25:56,240 --> 00:26:00,060
But right now, whatever happens tonight,
wherever we end up,

411
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:02,940
I'm having a really good time
getting to know you.

412
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:07,220
And you're being really patient with me,
so thank you for that.

413
00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:09,220
And I don't know why I brought you here.

414
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:11,860
It was a stupid idea
and I think we should...

415
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:14,580
Let's do something different.
Let's go someplace else.

416
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:18,220
- Tom said you liked bowling.
- I love bowling.

417
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:21,767
OK, so shall we have a couple more
and then hit the lanes?

418
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:27,081
OK.

419
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:37,300
Who said blind dates don't work?
Right? Am I right? Yeah.

420
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:39,641
- I'm gonna go get us a drink.
- OK.

421
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:48,780
- Nancy?
- Yeah?

422
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:50,166
It's Nancy Patterson.

423
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:54,367
- Do we know each other?
- Sean. Sean Bellamy.

424
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:58,091
Class 5G, Saint Andrew's Comprehensive.
'88 to '93.

425
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,820
I sat next to you in chemistry
for five years.

426
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:02,820
I gave you that Valentine's card
in Year 9.

427
00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:04,740
You tore it up in front of everyone.

428
00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:09,058
- Your mum ran me over that time.
- Oh, God. Yes, I do remember.

429
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:11,940
- Erm, sorry about that.
- Oh, God, don't worry.

430
00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:14,820
Glued it back together.
It was only about 57 pieces.

431
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:15,940
I meant about the car.

432
00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:18,140
- But you were so...
- Fat. Yes.

433
00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:20,447
- Yeah.
- That was me, big fat Sean.

434
00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:22,260
Lord of the Pies. Emperor Boom-Boom.

435
00:28:22,360 --> 00:28:24,780
- Now you're very...
- Yeah, I went on the 5:2 diet.

436
00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:28,020
Five days on chocolate Nesquik.
And two days strawberry Nesquik.

437
00:28:28,120 --> 00:28:31,260
- Oh, OK.
- I lost it all from here and from here.

438
00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:33,283
But luckily not from here.

439
00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:37,409
- Could I just have two beers, please?
- Hell, yeah.

440
00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:42,203
- It's Nancy fucking Patterson.
- Shush.

441
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:45,650
Wow!

442
00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:49,900
- Hey...
- Hey.

443
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:51,843
- These are on me.
- OK.

444
00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:54,340
So good to see you.

445
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:55,885
Thank you.

446
00:28:57,680 --> 00:28:59,205
OK, cheers.

447
00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:06,260
- Ah. Flirting with the barman, I see.
- What? No.

448
00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:08,900
- Not at all, no.
- I was, like, "Whoa, competition."

449
00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:11,620
No, I wasn't. I'm the least jealous
person you'll meet.

450
00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:13,180
Oh, God, me, too, yeah.

451
00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:14,300
So,

452
00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:16,220
let's ramp this up a bit.

453
00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:17,845
Not that I'm competitive.

454
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:20,451
Nancy.

455
00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:23,060
Brought you some nachos. On the house.

456
00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:25,500
- I've got a wheat allergy...
- No, you don't.

457
00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:28,730
You remember this?

458
00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:32,449
- What is it? Where'd you get that?
- In my wallet.

459
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:34,449
- Who took it?
- I did.

460
00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:36,820
I don't remember you ever
being in my bedroom.

461
00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:40,447
I wasn't in your bedroom, silly.
I was outside. In a tree.

462
00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:43,140
- Jessica, watch and weep.
- OK.

463
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:47,340
Why is he calling you Jessica?
You're called Nancy.

464
00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:50,300
- You're Nancy Patterson.
- I'm in a bit of a situation here.

465
00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:53,060
Oh, you still use Pantene Pro-V.

466
00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:56,100
That guy is not my boyfriend.
He's actually not even my date.

467
00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:59,100
I sort of stole him from
underneath the clock at Waterloo

468
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:02,300
and I'm pretending to be the girl
he's supposed to be on a date with.

469
00:30:02,400 --> 00:30:04,660
- So it's a bit... I don't know.
- Kinky.

470
00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:06,410
Hey, there.

471
00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:09,940
- How's it going? I'm Jack.
- And I am Sean.

472
00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:11,940
- He's Sean.
- There it is.

473
00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:15,580
- So you guys know each other?
- We just went to school together.

474
00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:19,260
- Yeah, we're old friends.
- We're old, old friends.

475
00:30:19,360 --> 00:30:22,140
We used to have a bit of a thing
going on.

476
00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:23,820
- Good for you.
- It was.

477
00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:25,580
It really wasn't that good.

478
00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:27,300
You never forget your first.

479
00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:29,660
Lovely to see you after all these years.

480
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:32,660
- We'll take it from here.
- Hang on, Jessica.

481
00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:34,900
Hey. What are you doing?

482
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:38,860
It would appear that I finally have you
over a barrel, Nancy Patterson.

483
00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:42,260
Indeed, you are clearly not the girl
you used to be once.

484
00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:47,300
Cool and confident. Now, stealing other
women's dates from under clocks.

485
00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:50,100
You're working as a barman
in a novelty bowling alley so...

486
00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:52,540
- Just as Mr Armstrong predicted.
- Who's that?

487
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:55,900
Our careers advisor at Saint Andrew's.
Do you not remember anything?

488
00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:59,300
- No.
- Because I remember everything. Nancy!

489
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:04,180
Sean, I'm out bowling with a man who...
might actually have some potential

490
00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:07,500
and not in just that
he's a really good bowler-type way.

491
00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:10,220
So don't ruin it for me. Just be cool.

492
00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:12,100
- OK, I will.
- Yeah?

493
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:15,807
- Uh-huh. If you give me a blow job.
- You what?

494
00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:19,620
- Take it or leave it.
- Are you out of your fucking mind?

495
00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:23,240
Come on, wouldn't hurt.
Just a tiny little blow job.

496
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:28,740
And then I won't dismantle your
web of deceit, Little Miss... Muffet.

497
00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:32,700
- Not gonna give you a blow job, so...
- Hand job? Pearl necklace?

498
00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:35,220
- Kiss? Please. Come on.
- Stop. Stop it. Stop it.

499
00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:37,300
I just want to fulfil
a lifelong ambition.

500
00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:40,100
OK, OK. I'll do one kiss. OK?

501
00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:41,740
- With tongues?
- No tongues.

502
00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:44,260
- Oh! But in the toilets.
- Yeah, in the toilets.

503
00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:45,980
And it has to be tonight.

504
00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:49,402
Otherwise I won't find you again
because you have no online presence.

505
00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:50,700
- Can I go now?
- Yes.

506
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:53,451
- But I'll be watching you.
- I don't doubt that.

507
00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:58,620
Oh, shit, shit, shit!

508
00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:00,900
It's fine, they're fine.

509
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:04,220
Everyone'll just get drunk
and shove them down.

510
00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:05,820
- They will.
- Yeah?

511
00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:07,020
Look.

512
00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:10,100
- Ooh, blimey, they're hot.
- Any word from Nancy?

513
00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:12,180
Not... Not exactly.

514
00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:14,020
Oh, no. No, no.

515
00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:17,900
But in her defence, she does have
a very good reason for her tardiness.

516
00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:20,100
And she's right, Fran.

517
00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:25,580
And who knows, maybe today will end up
being not just our anniversary.

518
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:27,500
Imagine that, Mum.

519
00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:29,780
Oh, my God,
who would you worry about then?

520
00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:31,860
Oh, Bert, you've slobbed.

521
00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:34,620
- What? Where?
- Christ. What is this now?

522
00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:36,404
It's hummus.

523
00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:38,921
Take it off. Off, off, off.

524
00:32:41,562 --> 00:32:42,860
Guests.

525
00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:45,940
- Go get 'em, parents.
- Bert, shift your arse.

526
00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:47,140
I'm going!

527
00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:48,980
Marion, you made it!

528
00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:51,580
I feel... I just feel like...
I feel hustled.

529
00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:54,500
Because I won? Are you not used to that?

530
00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:57,251
I'm not really used
to losing at bowling.

531
00:32:57,880 --> 00:33:00,540
Oh, can't I keep them?

532
00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:03,140
You think it's the first time
he's heard that?

533
00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:05,607
They're cute. Well, maybe tonight.

534
00:33:06,160 --> 00:33:09,209
Let's not forget this.
Keep you nice and warm.

535
00:33:11,560 --> 00:33:14,020
- Are you saving that for later?
- What?

536
00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:16,500
Got a bit of jalapeño in your teeth.

537
00:33:16,600 --> 00:33:20,660
You've just got a little bit of spinach
or something jammed in.

538
00:33:20,760 --> 00:33:22,860
No, it's still there. It's...

539
00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:24,940
Oh, my God. It's a good one.

540
00:33:25,040 --> 00:33:27,620
OK. No, it's not, though, is it?

541
00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:31,020
- No, it's still wedged in.
- I'm just gonna nip to the ladies.

542
00:33:31,120 --> 00:33:36,060
I'll just stay here and I'll think about
what we can get up to next.

543
00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:39,206
OK...

544
00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:44,060
I'll just go in there and think about
what we can get up to next.

545
00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:45,366
OK.

546
00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:03,331
Nice.

547
00:34:05,880 --> 00:34:08,140
What do you want to get up to next?

548
00:34:08,240 --> 00:34:11,562
Because I know
what I wanna get up to next.

549
00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:14,940
I saw you were about to leave
so I took my break early.

550
00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:18,806
Fucking hell, Sean!
Leaving? I wasn't leav...

551
00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:21,700
Er, bye.

552
00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:25,340
Fine. I'll put my clothes back on
and have a word with Jack about Jessica.

553
00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:30,060
So,

554
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:33,300
where do you wanna land
those luscious lips?

555
00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:40,340
- We're gonna keep the door open.
- Now you're talking.

556
00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:42,169
Right, let's just...

557
00:34:43,440 --> 00:34:44,441
OK...

558
00:34:45,320 --> 00:34:48,722
- Sean...
- Move closer

559
00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:53,100
- Move your body real close
- I'd prefer you didn't sing that.

560
00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:54,500
- Will you hold my face?
- Why?

561
00:34:54,600 --> 00:34:55,860
It'll make it more romantic.

562
00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:58,060
I don't think this could be
any more romantic.

563
00:34:59,520 --> 00:35:01,740
No, we said no tongues.
We said no... Hey!

564
00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:03,300
Jessica?

565
00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:04,820
- Hey, man.
- Jack.

566
00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:07,820
You'd been gone awhile
so I thought I'd come and find you.

567
00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:10,820
- This is not what you think.
- I think I'm just gonna leave.

568
00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:13,540
- No, wait. Please, let me explain.
- You don't have to.

569
00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:16,780
I thought we had a connection
but you still have something for Sean.

570
00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:19,406
I'm gonna leave you
to whatever fucking weird shit...

571
00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:22,444
Jack, Jack, Jack.
Just slide it on down to chills-ville.

572
00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:24,940
Don't be so harsh on Nancy.

573
00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:27,300
Who's Nancy?
Why is he calling you Nancy?

574
00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:30,820
- Why?
- It was my other pet name for her.

575
00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:33,220
- After Nancy Reagan.
- Nancy Sinatra.

576
00:35:33,320 --> 00:35:35,780
- I'm gonna go.
- OK, wait, hang on.

577
00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:39,220
Wait, Jack, let me just tell you
the truth because...

578
00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:41,448
now is as good a time as any
just to confess.

579
00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:42,780
Confess what?

580
00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:47,140
The reason Sean called me Nancy
was because I'm not called Jessica

581
00:35:47,240 --> 00:35:50,926
and the reason I'm not called Jessica
is because I'm not actually Jessica.

582
00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:54,860
She's Nancy. She's Nancy Patterson.

583
00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:58,407
Thank you, Sean. Can you put your
clothes back on and leave? Please.

584
00:35:58,520 --> 00:36:01,205
- What about my kiss?
- Out. No. Jog on. Out!

585
00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:05,740
Anyway, look, I was in here with him

586
00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:09,300
because he said he wouldn't tell you
who I really was if I kissed him.

587
00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:11,580
The truth is,
I'm not really your blind date.

588
00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:15,180
You thought I was, what with the book,
the clock and the quid pro quo.

589
00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:18,900
So you're not the girl
that I was supposed to meet earlier?

590
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:20,540
- No.
- What?!

591
00:36:20,640 --> 00:36:23,405
I know! It sounds a bit mad.
But don't think of it as mad.

592
00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:25,860
Think of it as impulsive.

593
00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:28,020
What kind of person
stands underneath a clock

594
00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:30,540
- waiting to steal someone's date?
- I wasn't waiting.

595
00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:33,260
It's not stealing
in the conventional sense of the word.

596
00:36:33,360 --> 00:36:36,091
That girl gave me her book
so that's why you thought I was her.

597
00:36:36,200 --> 00:36:38,740
No, I thought you were her
because you said you were.

598
00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:40,540
Did I actually say that?

599
00:36:40,640 --> 00:36:43,740
When were you thinking of telling me
about this bizarre decision?

600
00:36:43,840 --> 00:36:47,540
- There wasn't actually a plan.
- I'm sure there wasn't a plan.

601
00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:50,580
Because who would have a plan
for something so fucked up?

602
00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:53,411
I think people have done
worse things in the world.

603
00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:57,140
- I'm racking my brains.
- That girl wasn't even right for you.

604
00:36:57,240 --> 00:37:01,060
We'll never know. I'll never meet her
because you stole her.

605
00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:04,220
I was merely trying to meet my mate
in the modern world.

606
00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:07,820
- Who are you?
- I'm Nancy Patterson. Hello.

607
00:37:07,920 --> 00:37:10,740
- Are you even a triathlete?
- That's the next thing you ask?

608
00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:13,900
- And where's Jessica?
- Probably gone home by now.

609
00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:16,820
- Past her bedtime.
- Are you even 24?

610
00:37:16,920 --> 00:37:19,660
- Aw. Add another ten.
- What?

611
00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:23,500
- Fuck you, Granddad.
- Not in six billion years.

612
00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:25,860
- That was uncalled for.
- That was uncalled for?

613
00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:27,820
- Yeah.
- Do you know what's uncalled for?

614
00:37:27,920 --> 00:37:29,500
Derailing my date.

615
00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:30,820
OK.

616
00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:34,140
Laugh it up, girls. I am your future.
Just so you know.

617
00:37:34,240 --> 00:37:36,300
- 34!
- 40!

618
00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:38,940
- I think you're overreacting a bit.
- Really?

619
00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:40,700
- Yeah.
- How would you feel, Nancy,

620
00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:43,260
if you'd been set up
with someone perfect for you

621
00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:45,442
and some psycho
pretends to be them instead?

622
00:37:45,560 --> 00:37:48,580
- Setups never work.
- Tom said we matched.

623
00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:52,060
Please, she reads self-help books
and The Da Vinci Code.

624
00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:54,620
She works in the City.
What does that even mean?

625
00:37:54,720 --> 00:37:56,180
When people say that?

626
00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:59,220
It means she is a high-flying
24-year-old businesswoman...

627
00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:01,980
24. You love that word.
It's your favourite word.

628
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:03,740
Isn't that just the classic response

629
00:38:03,840 --> 00:38:07,140
of the lonely 34-year-old woman
desperate for somewhere to put her eggs.

630
00:38:07,240 --> 00:38:09,980
I'm nearly at my sexual peak.
It's all downhill for you.

631
00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:12,260
Knock knock, who's there? Viagra!

632
00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:13,940
The bitter look really suits you.

633
00:38:14,040 --> 00:38:16,180
It doesn't surprise me
that Pete slept around.

634
00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:18,660
Hang on a sec. Oh, oh, oh!
There is no Pete!

635
00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:20,900
And there is no wife
because she left you.

636
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:23,900
Here's your theory. You think,
"I'm so wounded and rejected."

637
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:27,540
"Please, help me, younger woman,
who's nearly half my age."

638
00:38:27,640 --> 00:38:30,500
This is coming from someone
who had to steal someone else's date

639
00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:31,620
to even get one.

640
00:38:31,720 --> 00:38:34,820
At least I'm not walking around
like I'm bloody catch of the century.

641
00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:38,340
Look at me with my own flat
and my online marketing management job.

642
00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:41,220
But what I really want to do is paint.

643
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,620
- I am gonna paint. OK?
- Sure you are.

644
00:38:43,720 --> 00:38:46,500
Thank you very much, it was lovely
not getting to know you

645
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:49,620
and congratulations
on your massive pack of lies.

646
00:38:49,720 --> 00:38:52,564
- Where's my bag?
- That was all there was on the ticket.

647
00:38:53,240 --> 00:38:54,900
- Where's my bag?
- How should I know?

648
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:56,340
Why have I got your notepad?

649
00:38:56,440 --> 00:38:59,740
Oh, f... Oh, my God,
we've left my bag at the cantina.

650
00:38:59,840 --> 00:39:02,180
Your bag, not mine.
How many tequilas have you had?

651
00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:04,620
- My divorce papers are in there.
- Ooh, sexy.

652
00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:07,260
- I came from the lawyers, alright?
- Sexier.

653
00:39:07,360 --> 00:39:10,820
Your divorce papers...
and my notepad with my speech!

654
00:39:10,920 --> 00:39:12,900
What speech?

655
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:15,860
It's my folks' 40th wedding anniversary
tonight.

656
00:39:15,960 --> 00:39:19,780
It just gets better. Not only do you
steal somebody else's blind date,

657
00:39:19,880 --> 00:39:23,441
you stand up your parents on one of the
most important milestones of their life.

658
00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:27,020
You really, really need to consider
your motivations for doing things

659
00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:28,860
and not doing things.

660
00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:31,100
- I'm gonna get my speech.
- Whatever. Taxi!

661
00:39:31,200 --> 00:39:34,580
- What are you doing?
- Calling a cab so I can go to the bar.

662
00:39:34,680 --> 00:39:36,940
- It's a ten-minute walk.
- No, it's 20 minutes.

663
00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:40,442
- It's ten minutes!
- You seem awfully confident, Nancy.

664
00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:42,449
- Because it's a fact, Jack.
- It's a fact.

665
00:39:42,560 --> 00:39:45,020
Is it a fact?
Like the fact that you're a triathlete.

666
00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:47,060
- Great.
- Here's a good idea.

667
00:39:47,160 --> 00:39:50,860
Why don't you run, swim and cycle to the
bar and we'll see who gets there first?

668
00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:53,500
- What?
- You don't know what a triathlon is.

669
00:39:53,600 --> 00:39:54,980
- Yes, I do.
- You do, do you?

670
00:39:55,080 --> 00:39:57,367
- Yeah.
- Well, ready, steady...

671
00:39:59,160 --> 00:40:00,764
go!

672
00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:06,804
Get stronger thighs!

673
00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:09,164
Come on, come on, come on!

674
00:40:15,560 --> 00:40:18,609
- Bye.
- Twat! Shit!

675
00:40:25,396 --> 00:40:26,725
What?

676
00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:31,100
No.

677
00:40:32,280 --> 00:40:33,361
Shit.

678
00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:36,929
Excuse me. Why so many feathers?

679
00:40:42,160 --> 00:40:43,241
Shit!

680
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:50,129
Hey. Sir. Kind person.

681
00:40:53,720 --> 00:40:55,165
Come on, come on, come on.

682
00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:02,300
Excuse me! Coming through.

683
00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:04,129
Just go further up. It's on the left.

684
00:41:05,400 --> 00:41:06,890
Mind your back!

685
00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:17,580
In your 40-year-old face!

686
00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:21,207
- I thought you weren't competitive.
- I thought you weren't competitive.

687
00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:24,966
You alright?

688
00:41:26,560 --> 00:41:28,300
It's a tactical puke.

689
00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:30,660
- It better be in there.
- Of course it will.

690
00:41:34,360 --> 00:41:36,540
- Hey, you want some more tequila?
- No!

691
00:41:36,640 --> 00:41:38,980
- Is his man-bag here?
- It's a satchel, OK.

692
00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:42,620
- I'm not used to carrying it.
- Alright, I'll go check.

693
00:41:42,720 --> 00:41:44,660
- Where are you going?
- Toilet.

694
00:41:44,760 --> 00:41:47,180
- You gonna meet somebody?
- No, so don't follow me.

695
00:41:47,280 --> 00:41:49,442
I have no intention of doing that again.

696
00:41:59,880 --> 00:42:01,086
Fuck!

697
00:42:34,360 --> 00:42:35,980
Hi, you've called Elaine.

698
00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:39,004
Leave a message
and I'll get back to you. Thanks.

699
00:42:55,800 --> 00:42:58,220
Nice one, Nancy.

700
00:42:58,320 --> 00:43:00,527
Really, really nice.

701
00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:04,724
It's great stuff.

702
00:43:08,120 --> 00:43:12,080
Hey, you know. New mantra.

703
00:43:12,680 --> 00:43:16,127
Stop being such a loser.

704
00:43:18,760 --> 00:43:20,330
How about that?

705
00:43:36,920 --> 00:43:38,524
Er...

706
00:44:00,360 --> 00:44:01,964
Yay.

707
00:44:20,320 --> 00:44:24,500
- Do you even like bowling?
- I love bowling.

708
00:44:24,600 --> 00:44:27,620
Great. So you weren't faking it
the whole night, then?

709
00:44:27,720 --> 00:44:30,121
Bet you've said that line before.

710
00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:33,570
Look...

711
00:44:35,080 --> 00:44:37,340
Look, I realise
this is not my finest hour.

712
00:44:37,440 --> 00:44:40,967
- Oh, you don't say?
- Yeah. I know.

713
00:44:42,280 --> 00:44:47,140
In hindsight, agreeing to Sean's demands
was not the best decision

714
00:44:47,240 --> 00:44:48,660
that I've made all evening.

715
00:44:48,760 --> 00:44:52,620
- You could've just told me the truth.
- I know and I was going to,

716
00:44:52,720 --> 00:44:55,291
I really was, but then...

717
00:44:57,040 --> 00:44:59,500
"Jessica" was doing so well.

718
00:45:00,208 --> 00:45:02,100
One man-bag.

719
00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:04,168
- Thank you.
- Cheers.

720
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:10,560
- What?
- Black Pant Wash.

721
00:45:13,600 --> 00:45:15,170
Funky.

722
00:45:18,440 --> 00:45:19,726
Idiot.

723
00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:22,041
Idiot.

724
00:45:22,840 --> 00:45:24,171
Jack?

725
00:45:26,760 --> 00:45:28,900
What are you doing here?
I thought we agreed.

726
00:45:29,000 --> 00:45:30,260
What are you doing here?

727
00:45:30,360 --> 00:45:32,540
- Hello, Jack.
- Fuck off, Ed.

728
00:45:32,640 --> 00:45:35,900
I get this place between five and 10pm
on a Saturday.

729
00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:38,100
Sorry, I thought it was a Sunday.

730
00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:41,020
I think we all know that you know
that it's not on a Sunday.

731
00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:44,100
Oh, how I miss that
pissy little diary of yours.

732
00:45:44,200 --> 00:45:47,260
Do you still put an "M" in it
when it's moustache-dyeing week?

733
00:45:47,360 --> 00:45:51,365
He didn't know. Hey, this is Nancy,
by the way. My girlfriend.

734
00:45:52,400 --> 00:45:54,540
Nancy, this is Hilary,
my soon-to-be ex-wife,

735
00:45:54,640 --> 00:45:56,660
and Ed, the man she left me for.

736
00:45:56,760 --> 00:46:00,446
- Come on, Jack.
- Yeah, come on, silly me.

737
00:46:00,560 --> 00:46:03,940
You know what? We're all in
the same bar with our new partners.

738
00:46:04,040 --> 00:46:07,260
Let's have a drink together.
We're adults, aren't we?

739
00:46:07,360 --> 00:46:09,940
We're mature, stable adults.

740
00:46:10,040 --> 00:46:12,020
- Come on. Have you got a table?
- Yeah.

741
00:46:12,120 --> 00:46:14,900
- Is it "our" table?
- Not any more.

742
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:17,020
Good! Even better. Lead the way.

743
00:46:17,120 --> 00:46:20,900
- Oh, my God. What is happening?
- Just go with it, darling.

744
00:46:21,000 --> 00:46:22,809
Just go with it, Edward.

745
00:46:23,840 --> 00:46:27,300
Oh, my God. You knew they'd be here.
That's why you brought me here earlier.

746
00:46:27,400 --> 00:46:31,780
That is why I brought "Jessica" here.
Then I came to my senses and we left.

747
00:46:31,880 --> 00:46:34,580
- But then you left my bag here...
- You left your bag.

748
00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:38,401
And then you came out of the toilets
looking like... Hmm...

749
00:46:38,520 --> 00:46:41,540
I just thought people have done
worse things in the world

750
00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:44,660
and you are very good at pretending
to be people that you're not.

751
00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:47,366
And you owe me, Nancy.

752
00:46:56,108 --> 00:46:59,568
OK. What exactly
are you hoping to achieve?

753
00:47:00,920 --> 00:47:02,968
I believe they call it "closure".

754
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:15,580
Missed a call from Nancy. She's not
even gonna make it for the speeches.

755
00:47:15,680 --> 00:47:17,940
What the fuck do you think she's doing?

756
00:47:18,040 --> 00:47:21,700
- What you always tell her to do.
- But not the greatest night to pick.

757
00:47:21,800 --> 00:47:24,060
But she's being spontaneous.

758
00:47:24,160 --> 00:47:26,740
Be spontaneous
when there's nothing else planned.

759
00:47:26,840 --> 00:47:28,444
Don't you think this is a bit...

760
00:47:28,560 --> 00:47:31,060
I'm gonna see what's happened
before I pass judgement.

761
00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:32,860
Are you? Well, good for you.

762
00:47:32,960 --> 00:47:36,060
Jesus, when has she ever done
anything like this before?

763
00:47:36,160 --> 00:47:38,980
- Well, never, but...
- Pardon, what was that?

764
00:47:39,080 --> 00:47:40,180
Never.

765
00:47:40,280 --> 00:47:43,820
She's out there, somewhere,
doing you proud, meeting a man.

766
00:47:43,920 --> 00:47:47,180
Having a lovely time.
Just like when we first met.

767
00:47:47,280 --> 00:47:51,126
- We met in a pub.
- But it was a lovely romantic pub.

768
00:47:52,320 --> 00:47:54,140
It was a Yates's Wine Lodge.

769
00:47:54,240 --> 00:47:57,164
Do you remember the first thing
you ever said to me?

770
00:47:58,120 --> 00:48:01,249
- "Vodka and tonic, please."
- And I said?

771
00:48:02,720 --> 00:48:04,449
"Pint or a half?"

772
00:48:07,160 --> 00:48:09,060
What is the worst-case scenario?

773
00:48:09,160 --> 00:48:13,006
- We never see her again.
- Alright, second worst?

774
00:48:25,880 --> 00:48:27,500
- You hungry?
- No.

775
00:48:27,600 --> 00:48:29,820
- Little snackette?
- No, don't need it.

776
00:48:29,920 --> 00:48:31,160
So...

777
00:48:32,360 --> 00:48:34,700
how long have you two
been seeing each other?

778
00:48:34,800 --> 00:48:36,940
- Not long.
- Not long at all.

779
00:48:37,040 --> 00:48:38,451
How did you meet?

780
00:48:38,560 --> 00:48:39,780
- At work.
- At a party.

781
00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:42,020
- At a work party.
- At a party that worked.

782
00:48:42,120 --> 00:48:44,732
So you're in online marketing, too?

783
00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:48,081
No. I am a...

784
00:48:49,280 --> 00:48:51,700
firewoman. I'm a firewoman.

785
00:48:51,800 --> 00:48:54,820
- There was a fire.
- At his work party.

786
00:48:54,920 --> 00:48:57,082
And then in our pants.

787
00:48:58,560 --> 00:49:01,740
So, Hilary, what is it that you...
What do you do for a living?

788
00:49:01,840 --> 00:49:03,820
I'm an account manager
at a leading PR firm.

789
00:49:03,920 --> 00:49:05,445
Mind-blowing. And you, Ed?

790
00:49:05,560 --> 00:49:07,580
- I'm a merchant banker.
- Interesting fact.

791
00:49:07,680 --> 00:49:10,411
"Merchant banker" is
cockney rhyming slang for "wanker".

792
00:49:10,520 --> 00:49:11,740
Oh, for fuck's sake, Jack.

793
00:49:11,840 --> 00:49:13,980
It's a fact. I'm just saying.
I'm not lying.

794
00:49:14,080 --> 00:49:16,020
- It's been a year.
- It's OK, Hil.

795
00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:19,060
It's not the first time
I've heard that one.

796
00:49:19,160 --> 00:49:21,980
- First time I've heard it.
- I'm unaffected by it, so...

797
00:49:22,080 --> 00:49:26,580
And it's been more than a year,
actually, Hilary. It's been 368 days.

798
00:49:26,680 --> 00:49:30,060
Not that I'm crossing it off on
my wall calendar of pain and deceit.

799
00:49:30,160 --> 00:49:31,571
I need a piss.

800
00:49:32,440 --> 00:49:34,169
Oh, fuck! Shit.

801
00:49:37,040 --> 00:49:38,883
- Oh, shit.
- Hey...

802
00:49:39,760 --> 00:49:44,402
Hey, don't worry, Baby Cakes. This was
bound to happen sooner or later.

803
00:49:45,080 --> 00:49:48,323
He does this. It's kind of blackmail.

804
00:49:49,200 --> 00:49:51,328
He's a very emotional man.

805
00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:56,970
We're gonna need more nibbles, please.
So...

806
00:49:57,560 --> 00:49:58,846
question.

807
00:50:00,400 --> 00:50:03,740
- You two had an affair?
- We fell in love.

808
00:50:03,840 --> 00:50:05,763
Yeah, but you had an affair?

809
00:50:06,560 --> 00:50:09,325
- The marriage was over anyway.
- But you had an affair?

810
00:50:12,560 --> 00:50:15,245
- Yeah.
- I guess he is just an emotional man.

811
00:50:17,280 --> 00:50:18,860
Look, I'm sorry, Hilary.

812
00:50:18,960 --> 00:50:21,820
- The truth is...
- I missed you, Big Nuts.

813
00:50:23,240 --> 00:50:27,060
So what rating
are you two rabbits on now?

814
00:50:27,160 --> 00:50:30,100
- Rating?
- Yeah, sexually speaking?

815
00:50:30,200 --> 00:50:33,724
Because Jack and I, God,
we're still in porno land really.

816
00:50:33,824 --> 00:50:34,860
Porno land?

817
00:50:34,960 --> 00:50:37,500
- Hm-hmm. Shall I explain?
- Please do.

818
00:50:37,600 --> 00:50:40,620
OK. You know when a woman
first starts sleeping with a man,

819
00:50:40,720 --> 00:50:42,020
she acts like a porn star.

820
00:50:42,120 --> 00:50:43,980
Am I right? Jack and I, anything goes.

821
00:50:44,080 --> 00:50:47,500
Church of Lesbyterian, dinner beneath
the bridge, guided tour of site B,

822
00:50:47,600 --> 00:50:49,140
if you know where that is. He knows.

823
00:50:49,240 --> 00:50:52,500
Remember when you said we should
and I was like, "I'm not gonna do that."

824
00:50:52,600 --> 00:50:54,260
- You said, "Go on, try it."
- Did I?

825
00:50:54,360 --> 00:50:58,140
And I was just thinking, "I'm actually
quite scared," because I couldn't see.

826
00:50:58,240 --> 00:51:00,740
Then, God, you flipped it.
And all of a sudden...

827
00:51:00,840 --> 00:51:03,540
God, I felt like, "Please don't stop."

828
00:51:03,640 --> 00:51:07,620
"Jack, please don't stop. Don't stop,
Jack. Do what you do, Jack."

829
00:51:07,720 --> 00:51:09,940
"Thank you, Jack.
I love your work, Jack."

830
00:51:10,040 --> 00:51:13,940
And you lot are like, "Wow, our sex life
is always gonna be like a porn film."

831
00:51:14,040 --> 00:51:17,340
Six months in, the ladies,
we drop it down to an 18,

832
00:51:17,440 --> 00:51:20,980
and then a 15, maybe a quick 69
but only if we've just had a bath.

833
00:51:21,080 --> 00:51:25,900
And then suddenly, whoa, we're a PG-13
wearing tartan pyjamas to bed

834
00:51:26,000 --> 00:51:29,641
doing the goodnight rollover before
you can say "missionary position".

835
00:51:31,600 --> 00:51:33,700
That is a brilliant theory.

836
00:51:33,800 --> 00:51:37,407
Thank you. But do you know what, Jack?
I really feel

837
00:51:37,520 --> 00:51:41,570
like we're gonna be in porno land
for a lot longer than usual.

838
00:51:42,880 --> 00:51:45,451
- I have a theory, too.
- Yeah? What is it?

839
00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:49,060
If you get a woman back to your place
and you say you don't wanna have sex,

840
00:51:49,160 --> 00:51:53,882
you just wanna take it slowly,
I guarantee she will go down on you.

841
00:51:54,800 --> 00:51:57,820
- The Blow Job Paradox.
- Blow Job Paradox!

842
00:51:57,920 --> 00:52:01,060
- Yeah! "Use it, don't abuse it."
- If divorce papers were honest,

843
00:52:01,160 --> 00:52:03,540
they wouldn't say
"irreconcilable differences".

844
00:52:03,640 --> 00:52:06,300
- They'd say "not enough blow jobs".
- Not enough blow jobs!

845
00:52:06,400 --> 00:52:08,500
Like, get down there, fix it.

846
00:52:08,600 --> 00:52:12,446
Sorry to interrupt. Did you
get a chance to sign those papers?

847
00:52:14,600 --> 00:52:19,340
Yes, I did, actually, Hilary. In fact,
coincidentally, I have them with me.

848
00:52:19,440 --> 00:52:23,140
Although, stupid Jack,
I signed them with a pen.

849
00:52:23,240 --> 00:52:26,210
You'd probably prefer it
if I did it with my own blood.

850
00:52:28,160 --> 00:52:32,324
Hey, this is our song. We should dance.
It's very special. Isn't that mad?

851
00:52:33,040 --> 00:52:35,300
Don't fucking touch me.

852
00:52:35,400 --> 00:52:36,860
- Yay.
- What are you doing?

853
00:52:36,960 --> 00:52:38,940
Stopping you from making
a twat of yourself

854
00:52:39,040 --> 00:52:40,980
by using the medium of dance. Hello.

855
00:52:41,080 --> 00:52:43,740
I'm gonna slow-dance you
into submission, OK?

856
00:52:43,840 --> 00:52:47,340
You'll need to put your arms around
my waist for it to work properly. Good.

857
00:52:47,440 --> 00:52:50,100
- I'm such a dick.
- You're not. You're not a dick.

858
00:52:50,200 --> 00:52:53,020
It's always better
to be the one that's dumped.

859
00:52:53,120 --> 00:52:55,620
You never regret anything.
She made the decision.

860
00:52:55,720 --> 00:52:57,980
She's gotta live with that
for the rest of her life.

861
00:52:58,080 --> 00:53:01,540
- It's not as simple as that, is it?
- But it will be. It just takes time.

862
00:53:01,640 --> 00:53:05,440
- Your hands are slipping down my arse.
- Sorry. Old habit.

863
00:53:06,360 --> 00:53:09,140
Everybody knew they were doing it.
Nobody told me.

864
00:53:09,240 --> 00:53:11,100
It's rough. I'll admit it's rough.

865
00:53:11,200 --> 00:53:12,660
I was really traditional about

866
00:53:12,760 --> 00:53:15,500
the whole "don't sleep around
when you're married" thing.

867
00:53:15,600 --> 00:53:17,580
Hands-arse. That's right.

868
00:53:17,680 --> 00:53:20,540
I bet you proposed
on the top of a Tuscan hill.

869
00:53:20,640 --> 00:53:22,180
Cephalonian, actually.

870
00:53:22,280 --> 00:53:24,060
Spent a year planning your big day.

871
00:53:24,160 --> 00:53:25,900
- Twenty grand, all in?
- Bit more.

872
00:53:26,000 --> 00:53:28,340
- Let's not forget the ring.
- It was four grand.

873
00:53:28,440 --> 00:53:31,260
And we had to get it resized
because she got awfully thin.

874
00:53:31,360 --> 00:53:34,820
You spent £24,000
on a party and some jewellery?

875
00:53:34,920 --> 00:53:35,980
It was a grand gesture.

876
00:53:36,080 --> 00:53:38,780
What's the point of life
if you're not up for stuff like that?

877
00:53:38,880 --> 00:53:42,566
A grand gesture that amounted
to nothing. Hands-arse.

878
00:53:42,680 --> 00:53:46,140
- God, you're such a fucking cynic.
- And you're such a fucking romantic.

879
00:53:50,200 --> 00:53:55,580
You put so much emphasis on that one day
and forget about the rest of your life.

880
00:53:55,680 --> 00:53:58,340
What's wrong with having a big day?
Look at your parents.

881
00:53:58,440 --> 00:54:01,011
I bet they had a party and guests
and a wishing tree.

882
00:54:01,120 --> 00:54:04,180
Six guests. Local registry office.
Drinks at the pub afterwards.

883
00:54:04,280 --> 00:54:05,940
They decided it was more important

884
00:54:06,040 --> 00:54:08,327
to concentrate on the promises
they were making.

885
00:54:08,440 --> 00:54:10,660
Don't you think that's what I wanted?

886
00:54:10,760 --> 00:54:13,220
When you get married,
you make a promise you can't keep,

887
00:54:13,320 --> 00:54:16,020
but, by God, I was gonna try,
and I'll never regret that.

888
00:54:16,120 --> 00:54:17,540
Which is more than you can say,

889
00:54:17,640 --> 00:54:20,660
sat up there on your single perch
with all your judgements.

890
00:54:20,760 --> 00:54:24,300
Why-y-y-y-y don't you use it

891
00:54:24,400 --> 00:54:27,722
Try-y-y-y-y not to bruise it

892
00:54:28,280 --> 00:54:31,443
Buy-y-y-y-y time, don't lose it

893
00:54:31,560 --> 00:54:33,700
They're not judgements,
they're theories.

894
00:54:33,800 --> 00:54:35,450
- Very different things.
- Whatever.

895
00:54:35,560 --> 00:54:39,700
The reflex is an only child

896
00:54:39,800 --> 00:54:43,140
Just waiting by the park

897
00:54:43,240 --> 00:54:46,940
The reflex is in charge of finding

898
00:54:47,040 --> 00:54:50,860
Treasure in the dark

899
00:54:50,960 --> 00:54:54,300
And watching over lucky clover

900
00:54:54,400 --> 00:54:58,540
Isn't that bizarre?

901
00:54:58,640 --> 00:55:02,220
Every little thing the reflex does

902
00:55:02,320 --> 00:55:05,900
Leaves you answered
with a question mark

903
00:55:06,000 --> 00:55:08,220
- You know your problem, Nancy?
- What?

904
00:55:08,320 --> 00:55:11,660
You spend your entire time on the
sidelines theorising about what works,

905
00:55:11,760 --> 00:55:14,740
but never putting yourself out there.
You never take chances.

906
00:55:14,840 --> 00:55:17,660
I think my actions today
could be considered quite "chancy".

907
00:55:17,760 --> 00:55:19,140
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

908
00:55:19,240 --> 00:55:23,564
You need to man up. I married that
woman and she tore out my heart

909
00:55:23,680 --> 00:55:26,740
but I'm still standing.
I'm still putting myself out there.

910
00:55:26,840 --> 00:55:29,411
And who are you to say
that my marriage was doomed?

911
00:55:29,520 --> 00:55:31,540
Who are you to say
that the girl I met tonight,

912
00:55:31,640 --> 00:55:34,860
the girl I was supposed to meet tonight,
wasn't the girl of my dreams?

913
00:55:34,960 --> 00:55:38,860
You need to let me get on
with my sad single-man life crisis

914
00:55:38,960 --> 00:55:42,931
and keep your cynical wisecracks
and theories to yourself. OK?

915
00:55:46,240 --> 00:55:48,020
Why-y-y-y

916
00:55:48,120 --> 00:55:50,771
Why-y-y-y
Why-y-y-y

917
00:55:58,840 --> 00:56:02,003
Hi. Sorry. I'm not looking.

918
00:56:02,840 --> 00:56:05,900
Just... looking for Jack.

919
00:56:06,000 --> 00:56:08,606
- Jack, are you in here?
- No.

920
00:56:09,360 --> 00:56:10,900
Come on.

921
00:56:11,000 --> 00:56:13,300
Just go to your party, Nancy, I'm fine.

922
00:56:13,400 --> 00:56:16,643
- You're fine?
- Yeah, I'm really fucking fine.

923
00:56:17,960 --> 00:56:19,060
Occupied!

924
00:56:19,160 --> 00:56:22,687
Sorry. You didn't lock. Didn't lock.

925
00:56:32,280 --> 00:56:33,441
Hi.

926
00:56:34,040 --> 00:56:36,220
I was hoping
for the pants-and-socks look.

927
00:56:47,200 --> 00:56:50,283
Nice place you got. It's really cosy.

928
00:57:01,680 --> 00:57:02,761
Sorry.

929
00:57:04,080 --> 00:57:09,060
I've had a bad relationship run
over the past few years

930
00:57:09,160 --> 00:57:13,722
and so it's made me
not the most positive person.

931
00:57:15,320 --> 00:57:17,846
I overanalyse and I...

932
00:57:19,120 --> 00:57:23,780
come up with elaborate theories and
make monumentally bad decisions and...

933
00:57:23,880 --> 00:57:27,540
I've gotta move on, you know,
that's all.

934
00:57:27,640 --> 00:57:29,820
She's out there, she's happy.

935
00:57:29,920 --> 00:57:32,048
She's getting on with her life
and I'm...

936
00:57:33,000 --> 00:57:35,765
- I'm just holding on.
- OK.

937
00:57:36,960 --> 00:57:41,580
A, I wouldn't say "happy", exactly.

938
00:57:41,680 --> 00:57:45,820
And secondly, I mean,
you're not holding on to her.

939
00:57:45,920 --> 00:57:47,820
You're holding on to a feeling

940
00:57:47,920 --> 00:57:51,561
and that feeling will eventually pass.
Promise.

941
00:57:52,040 --> 00:57:54,820
I mean, look, maybe I was wrong.

942
00:57:54,920 --> 00:57:59,620
Maybe dating 24-year-olds
is exactly what you need right now.

943
00:57:59,720 --> 00:58:02,530
- You've changed your tune.
- Well, unlike...

944
00:58:03,240 --> 00:58:07,131
the older lady,
they do have less baggage.

945
00:58:08,560 --> 00:58:12,260
I mean, shit, I'm way over
my baggage allowance.

946
00:58:12,360 --> 00:58:15,125
I'm four years single.
Four fucking years.

947
00:58:16,240 --> 00:58:21,180
Prior to that, I had six years
with the supposed love of my life,

948
00:58:21,280 --> 00:58:24,124
when, out of the blue,
he ended it and then he...

949
00:58:25,120 --> 00:58:28,020
He said he wanted to go to China
to find himself.

950
00:58:28,120 --> 00:58:30,580
Then he found himself
shacked up in Shepherd's Bush

951
00:58:30,680 --> 00:58:32,620
with some other girl six months later.

952
00:58:32,720 --> 00:58:35,724
- I'm over it, obviously, but I just...
- Yeah, you really sound it.

953
00:58:38,360 --> 00:58:39,700
Apart from one thing.

954
00:58:39,800 --> 00:58:43,540
One thing that, honestly,
I'm not sure that I can ever get over.

955
00:58:43,640 --> 00:58:44,860
What?

956
00:58:44,960 --> 00:58:46,200
He...

957
00:58:47,720 --> 00:58:50,060
He de-authorised me from his iTunes.

958
00:58:51,400 --> 00:58:54,051
What? That is unforgivable.

959
00:58:54,840 --> 00:58:57,320
It is. It is, actually.

960
00:58:59,280 --> 00:59:02,045
So, what do you really do for a living?

961
00:59:03,040 --> 00:59:05,340
I'm a journalist. Yeah.

962
00:59:05,440 --> 00:59:08,540
Slash wannabe literary polymath.

963
00:59:08,640 --> 00:59:12,140
- That figures. You got good theories.
- Oh, you like them now?

964
00:59:12,240 --> 00:59:13,820
I wouldn't listen to me, though,

965
00:59:13,920 --> 00:59:17,740
because I'm not exactly the poster child
for the dating industry.

966
00:59:17,840 --> 00:59:20,969
Really? I'm 40, divorced
and crying in a toilet.

967
00:59:22,960 --> 00:59:24,644
You're just...

968
00:59:26,040 --> 00:59:28,220
You're an emotional jigsaw at the moment

969
00:59:28,320 --> 00:59:30,820
but you're gonna piece yourself
back together.

970
00:59:30,920 --> 00:59:34,163
You know, start with the corners.
Look for the blue bits.

971
00:59:36,800 --> 00:59:40,850
And where do I find these "blue bits"?

972
00:59:45,840 --> 00:59:47,980
Took me three years to get over my ex.

973
00:59:48,080 --> 00:59:53,100
Jungian therapy.
Two hours every day. Six weeks.

974
00:59:53,200 --> 00:59:56,340
I burnt her clothes. Twice.

975
00:59:56,440 --> 00:59:58,900
I'm not saying
that her porn star theory is correct.

976
00:59:59,000 --> 01:00:00,500
But you did blow job paradox me?

977
01:00:00,600 --> 01:00:03,500
Hey. Where did you two get to?

978
01:00:03,600 --> 01:00:05,900
Probably 69-ing in the toilets,
no doubt.

979
01:00:06,000 --> 01:00:08,740
Who's up for a shot?
Let's do some shots.

980
01:00:08,840 --> 01:00:11,980
- I think I've had enough to drink.
- We're just gonna head off.

981
01:00:12,080 --> 01:00:14,980
Nonsense. It's a seminal night
so we should mark it somehow.

982
01:00:15,080 --> 01:00:16,860
Four sambucas, please.

983
01:00:16,960 --> 01:00:19,180
You look like you've been crying.

984
01:00:19,280 --> 01:00:21,700
- Actually, I was crying.
- With laughter.

985
01:00:21,800 --> 01:00:24,220
Have you ever tried to do it
in a cubicle that small?

986
01:00:24,320 --> 01:00:27,100
I think I left my knickers in there.

987
01:00:27,200 --> 01:00:30,100
She does not need to know
the real reason for your tears.

988
01:00:30,200 --> 01:00:32,300
Did you wanna
leave your knickers in there?

989
01:00:32,400 --> 01:00:33,640
Focus, Jack.

990
01:00:35,320 --> 01:00:36,980
Repeat after me.

991
01:00:37,080 --> 01:00:40,900
"After this shot I will be stronger,
wiser and finally moving on."

992
01:00:41,000 --> 01:00:45,020
After this shot I will be stronger,
wiser and finally moving on.

993
01:00:45,120 --> 01:00:47,361
- Fuck the past.
- Fuck the past.

994
01:00:51,753 --> 01:00:52,808
Sorry.

995
01:00:52,908 --> 01:00:54,620
- Oh, my God.
- Do something!

996
01:00:54,720 --> 01:00:57,451
You're a fireman,
put the fucking fire out!

997
01:00:57,560 --> 01:00:59,642
- Here. You take it.
- Jesus!

998
01:01:08,280 --> 01:01:10,300
That is what I call closure.

999
01:01:10,400 --> 01:01:13,220
I think that's the dictionary definition
right there.

1000
01:01:13,320 --> 01:01:16,449
Denial, depression, acceptance.

1001
01:01:16,560 --> 01:01:18,050
- Fire.
- Fire.

1002
01:01:20,960 --> 01:01:22,700
What?

1003
01:01:22,800 --> 01:01:24,260
Alright, what is next?

1004
01:01:24,360 --> 01:01:27,260
- OK, what's the time?
- It is ten o'clock.

1005
01:01:27,360 --> 01:01:30,820
Is it? Oh, shit.
I should check in at home, really.

1006
01:01:30,920 --> 01:01:32,540
Yeah, I'd better...

1007
01:01:38,000 --> 01:01:42,080
So, I think I'd better finally head
to my folks' anniversary party

1008
01:01:42,180 --> 01:01:45,442
but I was just... This is a crazy idea
but I was just thinking,

1009
01:01:45,560 --> 01:01:47,300
- would you want to join...?
- Sorry.

1010
01:01:47,400 --> 01:01:52,220
Just because it might be nice to not
go alone for a change and if you...

1011
01:01:52,320 --> 01:01:57,020
Oh, my God, she has called
and texted, like, a lot.

1012
01:01:57,120 --> 01:01:58,700
- Who has?
- Jessica.

1013
01:01:58,800 --> 01:02:01,740
She said she spoke to Tom
and there's obviously been

1014
01:02:01,840 --> 01:02:04,620
some sort of misunderstanding
and she still wants to meet up.

1015
01:02:04,720 --> 01:02:06,900
Even though you stood her up?
Is she a loser?

1016
01:02:07,000 --> 01:02:09,740
Technically, you stood her up, actually.

1017
01:02:09,840 --> 01:02:14,020
She's young so she's not
a total cynic like you. Us. Yet.

1018
01:02:14,120 --> 01:02:16,140
Your 24-year-old obsession, isn't it?

1019
01:02:16,240 --> 01:02:18,060
You said I should keep it simple.

1020
01:02:18,160 --> 01:02:21,289
- When?
- Like, half an hour ago in the toilet.

1021
01:02:22,640 --> 01:02:25,220
So, what is your theory on this one?

1022
01:02:25,320 --> 01:02:29,180
- My theory?
- Yeah, I wanna hear it. What's the...

1023
01:02:29,280 --> 01:02:31,681
Is it "boy meets girl"
or "boy doesn't meet girl"?

1024
01:02:33,805 --> 01:02:35,253
I mean...

1025
01:02:35,360 --> 01:02:39,300
This is when you tell me what to do
and then we argue and then...

1026
01:02:39,400 --> 01:02:42,500
You know, it's a bit of back and forth
and eventually...

1027
01:02:42,600 --> 01:02:45,300
- Oh, wait.
- What for?

1028
01:02:45,400 --> 01:02:48,180
All night you've had
all these theories and opinions

1029
01:02:48,280 --> 01:02:49,980
and suddenly you've nothing to say?

1030
01:02:50,080 --> 01:02:53,140
What do you want? Do you want
my permission or something?

1031
01:02:53,240 --> 01:02:56,980
- No, not at all.
- Then I think you should meet Jessica.

1032
01:02:57,080 --> 01:03:00,620
- Yeah, but that's not...
- What are you waiting for, right?

1033
01:03:00,720 --> 01:03:04,020
What am I...? I don't know
what I'm waiting for.

1034
01:03:04,120 --> 01:03:05,451
Fine, I'll meet Jessica.

1035
01:03:05,560 --> 01:03:07,449
- OK. Great.
- OK.

1036
01:03:07,560 --> 01:03:11,900
- Are you meeting her here or...
- Yeah. Yes, there it is.

1037
01:03:12,000 --> 01:03:13,260
- OK.
- That's where the...

1038
01:03:13,360 --> 01:03:15,601
You can give her this back then.

1039
01:03:16,000 --> 01:03:18,651
- No, she bought another one.
- Course she did.

1040
01:03:19,960 --> 01:03:21,740
I haven't really read it, to be honest.

1041
01:03:21,840 --> 01:03:23,330
Maybe we should have.

1042
01:03:25,400 --> 01:03:26,845
So, erm...

1043
01:03:28,560 --> 01:03:30,085
- Is that everything?
- Yeah.

1044
01:03:31,800 --> 01:03:34,500
So sorry for derailing your date.

1045
01:03:34,600 --> 01:03:39,340
I'm glad you did, otherwise I'd have
nothing to talk about on the next one.

1046
01:03:39,440 --> 01:03:42,540
It is a good anecdote.
I'll probably use it in future myself.

1047
01:03:42,640 --> 01:03:45,100
So, well, look after yourself...

1048
01:03:45,200 --> 01:03:47,980
- It's what I do best.
- OK, and...

1049
01:03:48,080 --> 01:03:49,525
- Bye.
- Bye.

1050
01:03:58,720 --> 01:04:01,300
- I'll Facebook you.
- Not on Facebook.

1051
01:04:01,400 --> 01:04:04,244
- Idiot.
- Idiot.

1052
01:04:08,520 --> 01:04:10,124
Idiot.

1053
01:04:10,760 --> 01:04:11,966
Idiot.

1054
01:05:01,120 --> 01:05:05,220
What kind of nutter pretends to be
someone else's blind date?

1055
01:05:05,320 --> 01:05:06,860
I know. It's...

1056
01:05:06,960 --> 01:05:10,700
Although it does prove what a publishing
sensation Six Billion has been.

1057
01:05:10,800 --> 01:05:11,860
Yeah.

1058
01:05:11,960 --> 01:05:16,100
Let's just pretend the whole thing
never happened and we shall start again.

1059
01:05:16,200 --> 01:05:17,361
Cheers.

1060
01:05:24,520 --> 01:05:27,410
Sorry, I'm ever so thirsty.
I did a lot of walking today.

1061
01:05:30,160 --> 01:05:32,580
So, Jessica,
I hear you work in the City.

1062
01:05:32,680 --> 01:05:35,889
- Correct. And I love it.
- "Lunch is for wimps."

1063
01:05:37,440 --> 01:05:40,900
It's from Wall Street. From the film.

1064
01:05:41,000 --> 01:05:43,140
"If you need a friend, get a dog."

1065
01:05:43,240 --> 01:05:46,449
Oh, is that the one
with Leonardo DiCaprio?

1066
01:05:46,560 --> 01:05:47,686
Er, no.

1067
01:05:48,360 --> 01:05:52,140
Erm, so listen, Tom told me
that you are a triathlete.

1068
01:05:58,200 --> 01:06:00,441
Bert, are you ready? Yeah?

1069
01:06:00,560 --> 01:06:01,800
- Alright?
- Yep.

1070
01:06:02,680 --> 01:06:03,727
Attention!

1071
01:06:04,560 --> 01:06:06,180
Attention.

1072
01:06:06,280 --> 01:06:07,260
Attenzione.

1073
01:06:07,360 --> 01:06:08,580
Oi! Come on.

1074
01:06:08,680 --> 01:06:10,648
Adam, thank you.

1075
01:06:13,000 --> 01:06:14,729
Well, here we all are.

1076
01:06:15,640 --> 01:06:19,060
I had rather hoped that
our youngest daughter, Nancy,

1077
01:06:19,160 --> 01:06:21,140
would have been here to do the speech.

1078
01:06:21,240 --> 01:06:24,642
But, er, she's been a little delayed.

1079
01:06:26,160 --> 01:06:29,767
So it falls to myself...

1080
01:06:30,680 --> 01:06:34,180
to find a few choice words.

1081
01:06:36,840 --> 01:06:39,446
But, I mean, seriously...

1082
01:06:40,360 --> 01:06:43,660
what's left for us to say
to each other after 40 years?

1083
01:06:43,760 --> 01:06:45,820
Take the fucking recycling out.

1084
01:06:47,040 --> 01:06:50,601
Still as foul-mouthed
as the day I met her.

1085
01:06:51,440 --> 01:06:52,900
And still as beautiful.

1086
01:06:53,000 --> 01:06:54,126
Ah!

1087
01:06:54,840 --> 01:06:59,700
And although I doubt that we have
another 40 years ahead of us...

1088
01:06:59,800 --> 01:07:01,540
Bloody hope not.

1089
01:07:01,640 --> 01:07:03,722
...or we will ever agree...

1090
01:07:04,520 --> 01:07:07,780
that you can park on
a double yellow line on a Sunday...

1091
01:07:07,880 --> 01:07:10,300
- But you can, actually.
- Whose side are you on?

1092
01:07:10,400 --> 01:07:14,100
...or she will ever fully trust me
with the big weekly shop...

1093
01:07:14,200 --> 01:07:15,940
Not a hope in hell.

1094
01:07:16,040 --> 01:07:19,647
...but here's to spending...

1095
01:07:20,680 --> 01:07:24,660
whatever years we have left together.

1096
01:07:24,760 --> 01:07:25,780
Ah!

1097
01:07:25,880 --> 01:07:26,881
Franny,...

1098
01:07:28,000 --> 01:07:31,540
I am an empty shell on the beach
without you.

1099
01:07:31,640 --> 01:07:32,700
Oh, that's good.

1100
01:07:32,800 --> 01:07:37,500
I am a laundry disaster
waiting to happen.

1101
01:07:39,960 --> 01:07:41,803
I am an old pear...

1102
01:07:42,720 --> 01:07:46,725
left to soften in the fruit bowl.

1103
01:07:47,360 --> 01:07:49,854
Oh, here she is.

1104
01:07:50,600 --> 01:07:51,620
Nancy!

1105
01:07:51,720 --> 01:07:56,645
So sorry I'm late. But I remembered
the chocolate mousse.

1106
01:07:59,600 --> 01:08:00,980
Oh...

1107
01:08:01,080 --> 01:08:04,402
- What is it, darling? What is it?
- What's up?

1108
01:08:04,520 --> 01:08:06,300
- What's the matter?
- It's OK.

1109
01:08:06,400 --> 01:08:07,580
Oh...

1110
01:08:07,680 --> 01:08:10,604
Come on, tell us,
what's the matter, darling?

1111
01:08:12,120 --> 01:08:14,407
I got a lot of big
home-improvement plans.

1112
01:08:14,520 --> 01:08:16,780
Do up my flat.
I'm gonna paint my hallway.

1113
01:08:16,880 --> 01:08:19,740
Yes, Tom said that
you were a bit of an artiste.

1114
01:08:19,840 --> 01:08:22,540
Yeah, I, you know... I dabble.

1115
01:08:22,640 --> 01:08:24,802
No, I don't dabble.
Who am I trying to kid?

1116
01:08:27,040 --> 01:08:28,740
I got an A in art at A level.

1117
01:08:28,840 --> 01:08:31,241
I don't remember
what I got in my A levels.

1118
01:08:32,080 --> 01:08:34,100
I'm kidding you. I'm not that old.

1119
01:08:34,200 --> 01:08:36,202
I got two Bs and a C, so.

1120
01:08:37,200 --> 01:08:39,328
No, I didn't. I got two Cs and a B.

1121
01:08:40,120 --> 01:08:42,100
Anyway, I passed them all, so.

1122
01:08:42,200 --> 01:08:44,700
- Well done.
- Thank you.

1123
01:08:44,800 --> 01:08:49,620
Anyway, I'm so glad that you're a fan
of Six Billion People and You as well.

1124
01:08:49,720 --> 01:08:51,820
And I'm so sorry that
I was late to meet you.

1125
01:08:51,920 --> 01:08:54,740
But, actually, the reason
that I had to buy another copy

1126
01:08:54,840 --> 01:08:57,860
was because I left my copy
for this woman on the train

1127
01:08:57,960 --> 01:09:02,220
and she so needed to read it.
She was a very unhappy soul.

1128
01:09:02,320 --> 01:09:06,689
You know, one of those sort of "lost
hope", "clock ticking" kind of women.

1129
01:09:07,920 --> 01:09:11,720
- Anyway, shall we do the lists?
- Yes, the lists, the lists.

1130
01:09:14,800 --> 01:09:18,043
I can't wait to see
what your favourite food is.

1131
01:09:26,440 --> 01:09:27,726
Ready?

1132
01:09:31,280 --> 01:09:32,406
I am so sorry about this.

1133
01:09:32,520 --> 01:09:34,620
What are you talking about?
This is amazing.

1134
01:09:34,720 --> 01:09:38,780
If I hadn't left her that book...
It's like the most epic love story ever.

1135
01:09:38,880 --> 01:09:42,202
And it means that I was right
and she was wrong. Taxi!

1136
01:09:46,720 --> 01:09:49,100
- Where to?
- Shit, I have no idea.

1137
01:09:49,200 --> 01:09:50,260
Just call her.

1138
01:09:50,360 --> 01:09:52,442
I don't have her number.
I have your number.

1139
01:09:52,560 --> 01:09:54,860
- What's her name?
- Nancy. Nancy Patterson.

1140
01:09:54,960 --> 01:09:57,340
- Look her up on Facebook.
- She's not on Facebook.

1141
01:09:58,242 --> 01:09:59,340
Don't be ridiculous.

1142
01:09:59,440 --> 01:10:03,060
Everyone's connected. You'll have
some mutual friends or something.

1143
01:10:03,160 --> 01:10:04,605
You bloody genius.

1144
01:10:05,320 --> 01:10:07,180
Bloomsbury Bowling Lanes, please.

1145
01:10:07,280 --> 01:10:10,443
Good luck with the triathleting.
Thank you, Jessica!

1146
01:10:21,760 --> 01:10:24,340
- Sean... Is that my scarf?
- Where's Nancy?

1147
01:10:24,440 --> 01:10:27,540
I have to find her
and I think she's at her parents'.

1148
01:10:27,640 --> 01:10:29,210
Do you know where they live?

1149
01:10:30,800 --> 01:10:33,804
I know the exact Google map coordinates.

1150
01:10:43,320 --> 01:10:48,140
Holy... You know what, Sean?
I'd be quite happy to take the train.

1151
01:10:48,240 --> 01:10:50,402
- What's your plan?
- What's my plan?

1152
01:10:50,520 --> 01:10:52,045
To win her heart.

1153
01:10:52,720 --> 01:10:55,180
- This isn't a power ballad.
- Well, it should be.

1154
01:10:55,280 --> 01:10:58,500
Grand romantic gestures.
That's what it's all about.

1155
01:10:58,600 --> 01:11:02,940
Declarations. Heart on the line.
Life-changing kind of stuff.

1156
01:11:03,040 --> 01:11:06,020
That's what I was going for
back there in the toilets.

1157
01:11:06,120 --> 01:11:09,203
Actions, you know. More than words.

1158
01:11:10,080 --> 01:11:11,730
Jesus!

1159
01:11:16,320 --> 01:11:19,529
Taught myself to drive
with just my left hand.

1160
01:11:20,160 --> 01:11:22,367
Pretty useful, I can tell you.

1161
01:11:33,440 --> 01:11:35,860
- Are we here?
- Yep, we're here.

1162
01:11:35,960 --> 01:11:38,620
OK, OK, OK. Erm...

1163
01:11:38,720 --> 01:11:42,167
- Oh, what number is it?
- 74.

1164
01:11:42,720 --> 01:11:46,340
Go, go, go! Bon chance, mon amigo.

1165
01:11:46,440 --> 01:11:47,930
Whoo!

1166
01:11:50,880 --> 01:11:52,580
Idiot, idiot, idiot...

1167
01:11:52,680 --> 01:11:54,260
I should have just said...

1168
01:11:54,360 --> 01:11:56,820
"Don't go, come with me to the party."

1169
01:11:56,920 --> 01:11:58,100
I can't hear her.

1170
01:11:58,200 --> 01:12:00,660
Go easy, Nancy, it is a partition wall.

1171
01:12:00,760 --> 01:12:03,100
- Something about a party?
- This party?

1172
01:12:03,200 --> 01:12:05,540
And I was gonna bring him here
and everything.

1173
01:12:05,640 --> 01:12:06,820
The man on the phone?

1174
01:12:06,920 --> 01:12:08,620
The strange man you were on a date with?

1175
01:12:08,720 --> 01:12:10,449
- You should have.
- Didn't go well?

1176
01:12:10,560 --> 01:12:12,403
No, it did go really well.

1177
01:12:15,560 --> 01:12:17,608
- Oh, no, it's not a good thing.
- Boo, boo.

1178
01:12:21,240 --> 01:12:23,660
Come on, my lovely,
just tell us what happened.

1179
01:12:23,760 --> 01:12:25,140
OK.

1180
01:12:26,320 --> 01:12:28,641
- I'll get that.
- OK. So...

1181
01:12:33,400 --> 01:12:35,540
- What are you doing here?
- Is Nancy here?

1182
01:12:35,640 --> 01:12:37,180
Are you the strippergram?

1183
01:12:37,280 --> 01:12:39,220
What? No, I'm not. What are you...?

1184
01:12:39,320 --> 01:12:42,540
- Nancy, I had to come and find you.
- How did you...?

1185
01:12:42,640 --> 01:12:46,300
- I couldn't just leave it like that.
- Oh, my God. Nancy, is this...

1186
01:12:46,400 --> 01:12:48,980
- Oh, it's marvellous.
- We've got a chair for you.

1187
01:12:49,080 --> 01:12:50,860
- A chair? For me?
- Yeah.

1188
01:12:50,960 --> 01:12:53,980
Oh, that sounds lovely.
Hello, nice to see you.

1189
01:12:55,720 --> 01:12:59,406
- We've got a lot of people here.
- Oh, party time. Hello, everybody.

1190
01:12:59,520 --> 01:13:02,660
Hello, I'm Sean.
Ooh, strawberries. Favourite!

1191
01:13:02,760 --> 01:13:04,540
I loves me strawberries.

1192
01:13:04,640 --> 01:13:05,700
No.

1193
01:13:09,200 --> 01:13:11,100
Everybody, everyone!

1194
01:13:11,200 --> 01:13:13,140
Everybody, everybody!

1195
01:13:13,240 --> 01:13:15,060
- This is...
- It's Jack!

1196
01:13:15,160 --> 01:13:17,660
He's looking for...
Who are you looking for again?

1197
01:13:17,760 --> 01:13:19,940
Nancy. Is this a 40th party?

1198
01:13:20,040 --> 01:13:23,020
Nancy! Nancy, are you here?

1199
01:13:23,120 --> 01:13:25,300
- I'm Nancy.
- I'm Nancy.

1200
01:13:25,400 --> 01:13:28,085
I'm Nancy!

1201
01:13:29,000 --> 01:13:31,980
No, no, no, no, no, you're not.
None of you are Nancy.

1202
01:13:32,080 --> 01:13:34,900
Nancy is 34, not 15 or whatever.

1203
01:13:35,000 --> 01:13:38,100
There's a girl being sick in the sink.
This is terrible.

1204
01:13:38,200 --> 01:13:42,180
Come here, sweetheart. Let it all out.
There you go.

1205
01:13:42,280 --> 01:13:47,020
Listen, Nancy is... she's got
very cool hair and a lovely face and...

1206
01:13:47,120 --> 01:13:51,660
Come on, please. Nancy Patterson.
Anybody help me with Nancy Patterson?

1207
01:13:52,160 --> 01:13:53,446
Wait! Nancy Patterson?

1208
01:13:53,560 --> 01:13:56,220
- Yes!
- She used to be my old baby-sitter.

1209
01:13:56,320 --> 01:13:59,180
- Can you take me to her?
- Yes, I can.

1210
01:14:00,210 --> 01:14:02,980
Yes! Thank you! Thank you very much.

1211
01:14:03,080 --> 01:14:05,540
Oh, we're all going, are we? OK.

1212
01:15:48,800 --> 01:15:50,980
Ladies and gentlemen,

1213
01:15:51,080 --> 01:15:53,924
your attention, please.

1214
01:15:56,720 --> 01:15:59,769
I'm just... just gonna say
a few words. Er...

1215
01:16:00,800 --> 01:16:04,660
Er, I actually had
something prepared but...

1216
01:16:04,760 --> 01:16:07,300
I lost it. It's kind of a long story...

1217
01:16:07,400 --> 01:16:09,260
Actually, I'm just gonna tell you,

1218
01:16:09,360 --> 01:16:11,408
cos it's actually the reason
I was so late

1219
01:16:11,520 --> 01:16:14,020
and the reason why this speech
is gonna be so rubbish.

1220
01:16:16,440 --> 01:16:17,860
I met a man today.

1221
01:16:17,960 --> 01:16:20,740
- Hello.
- No, not this man.

1222
01:16:20,840 --> 01:16:23,660
I was standing underneath
the clock at Waterloo Station

1223
01:16:23,760 --> 01:16:25,740
when a man called Jack

1224
01:16:25,840 --> 01:16:28,580
mistook me for his blind date

1225
01:16:28,680 --> 01:16:30,580
and instead of just saying,

1226
01:16:30,680 --> 01:16:34,924
"Hey, you got the wrong girl,"
like a normal person, erm...

1227
01:16:36,200 --> 01:16:40,100
I thought it was a good idea
to just pretend that I was his date.

1228
01:16:40,572 --> 01:16:42,100
No, you didn't?

1229
01:16:42,200 --> 01:16:45,500
I did. I did. But, but...

1230
01:16:45,600 --> 01:16:49,980
You know, we went out and, you know,
for the first time in ages,

1231
01:16:50,080 --> 01:16:53,260
I put myself out there,
and I took a chance,

1232
01:16:53,360 --> 01:16:54,930
and I even got stronger thighs.

1233
01:16:55,720 --> 01:16:59,700
Then Jack found out
I wasn't who I said I was,

1234
01:16:59,800 --> 01:17:02,220
a 24-year-old triathlete by the way.

1235
01:17:02,320 --> 01:17:03,860
- 24?
- Yeah.

1236
01:17:03,960 --> 01:17:06,740
And so he went to go
and meet his real blind date.

1237
01:17:06,840 --> 01:17:08,860
So blah, blah, blah, the end.

1238
01:17:16,400 --> 01:17:19,290
No, don't be sad. God, I'm not sad.

1239
01:17:19,920 --> 01:17:21,920
I'm a bit sad.

1240
01:17:22,320 --> 01:17:26,140
Er, but I'm also quite proud of myself
because I tried.

1241
01:17:26,240 --> 01:17:29,687
And, you know,
no, it didn't work out, but...

1242
01:17:30,840 --> 01:17:34,540
I got a hint of what
could be out there for me.

1243
01:17:34,640 --> 01:17:36,005
You know,...

1244
01:17:37,000 --> 01:17:38,604
a fun,...

1245
01:17:39,680 --> 01:17:43,300
loving, crazy, contradictory,

1246
01:17:43,400 --> 01:17:46,020
long, happy life with someone.

1247
01:17:46,120 --> 01:17:47,900
Something that these two have had

1248
01:17:48,000 --> 01:17:51,500
since they first laid eyes on each other
40 years ago.

1249
01:17:51,600 --> 01:17:53,090
So, please...

1250
01:17:54,720 --> 01:17:59,851
join me in toasting them and
wishing them a very happy anniversary.

1251
01:18:01,360 --> 01:18:04,500
To my mum and dad. To Bert and Fran.

1252
01:18:04,600 --> 01:18:07,580
- Mum and Dad.
- Bert and Fran.

1253
01:18:07,680 --> 01:18:08,761
Bert and Fran.

1254
01:18:18,760 --> 01:18:21,020
I liked that speech. I liked it a lot.

1255
01:18:21,120 --> 01:18:22,220
Cheers, Dad.

1256
01:18:22,320 --> 01:18:25,164
- Much better than last year's.
- Yeah, that wasn't very...

1257
01:18:26,080 --> 01:18:27,700
Come here.

1258
01:18:27,800 --> 01:18:30,565
Stronger thighs. I'm so proud of you.

1259
01:18:31,200 --> 01:18:32,260
Cheers, Elaine.

1260
01:18:32,360 --> 01:18:34,220
Just keep on going, my darling.

1261
01:18:34,320 --> 01:18:36,540
- You'll get there in the end.
- Thanks, Mummy.

1262
01:18:36,640 --> 01:18:38,860
So where's this Jack now?

1263
01:18:39,959 --> 01:18:41,580
He's at the window.

1264
01:18:41,680 --> 01:18:42,886
Nancy!

1265
01:18:43,560 --> 01:18:46,740
Nancy, it's me. Nancy! Nanc...

1266
01:18:46,840 --> 01:18:48,604
I'm gonna... I'm coming in.

1267
01:18:53,320 --> 01:18:54,731
Sorry. Sorry.

1268
01:18:55,680 --> 01:18:57,125
Hey.

1269
01:18:57,800 --> 01:19:00,326
Nancy, I thought
you might want your speech.

1270
01:19:01,520 --> 01:19:03,300
It's too late. I've...

1271
01:19:03,400 --> 01:19:07,780
- No, do you want your speech, Nancy?
- Er... Yes.

1272
01:19:07,880 --> 01:19:10,940
OK, good. Just be quiet
and let me give it to you, then.

1273
01:19:11,040 --> 01:19:14,340
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...

1274
01:19:16,080 --> 01:19:19,540
...erm, and friends
and members of Nancy's family

1275
01:19:19,640 --> 01:19:23,180
who I've never met before in my life.
This is...

1276
01:19:23,280 --> 01:19:27,620
I met a girl today, the wrong girl,

1277
01:19:27,720 --> 01:19:30,500
except she turned out
to be the right girl.

1278
01:19:30,600 --> 01:19:33,060
And this girl who took a chance on me

1279
01:19:33,160 --> 01:19:36,300
in the most bizarre
and romantic way possible

1280
01:19:36,400 --> 01:19:39,449
wanted me to take a chance on her,
but, erm...

1281
01:19:40,200 --> 01:19:43,340
I didn't, you know. I didn't. I blew it,

1282
01:19:43,440 --> 01:19:47,809
like a stupid 40-year-old,
mid-life-crisis dickhead that I am.

1283
01:19:48,800 --> 01:19:52,300
Which is why I sought help
from old beaus.

1284
01:19:52,400 --> 01:19:56,340
Yes, you... not the most reliable
of sources, really. Whatever.

1285
01:19:56,440 --> 01:20:00,500
But undeterred, I commandeered
these brilliant young drunks,

1286
01:20:00,600 --> 01:20:03,740
because nothing was gonna stop me
from finding this girl

1287
01:20:03,840 --> 01:20:06,844
and telling her what
I should have told her earlier on.

1288
01:20:07,960 --> 01:20:13,540
Nancy, I am so bloody glad
you pretended to be my date today,

1289
01:20:13,640 --> 01:20:15,220
because, if you hadn't,

1290
01:20:15,320 --> 01:20:19,980
then I never would've heard
any of your amazing sex theories

1291
01:20:20,080 --> 01:20:24,860
or... watched you trying to get
jalapeño out of your teeth

1292
01:20:24,960 --> 01:20:29,180
or witnessed your very instinctive
firewoman skills.

1293
01:20:29,280 --> 01:20:34,980
I would never have got to know
that muddy, beautiful triathlete face

1294
01:20:35,080 --> 01:20:38,900
or witnessed that awesome,
highly competitive arse

1295
01:20:39,000 --> 01:20:41,020
as you were about to get another strike.

1296
01:20:41,120 --> 01:20:44,580
In fact, if you hadn't have
pretended to be my date today,

1297
01:20:44,680 --> 01:20:47,411
my day would have been utterly rubbish.

1298
01:20:51,520 --> 01:20:54,024
And so, quite possibly,
would have been the rest of my life.

1299
01:20:55,280 --> 01:20:57,601
Don't make those noises,
I'm right on the edge.

1300
01:20:59,200 --> 01:21:01,180
Nancy, you said
I was an emotional jigsaw

1301
01:21:01,280 --> 01:21:03,760
and that I should look
for the blue bits.

1302
01:21:04,920 --> 01:21:07,526
I think you might be the blue bits,
Nancy.

1303
01:21:08,160 --> 01:21:09,844
So what do you say?

1304
01:21:10,640 --> 01:21:12,130
Quid pro quo?

1305
01:21:20,200 --> 01:21:23,602
What does it say in
Six Billion People and You?

1306
01:21:23,920 --> 01:21:25,524
Oh, yeah. Sorry.

1307
01:21:28,080 --> 01:21:30,160
Fuck the past.

1308
01:21:30,830 --> 01:21:33,740
Fuck the past!

1309
01:21:33,840 --> 01:21:35,410
Thank you. Excuse me.

1310
01:21:49,680 --> 01:21:51,980
- Hands-arse.
- My hands aren't on your arse.

1311
01:21:52,080 --> 01:21:53,684
I know.

1312
01:22:26,120 --> 01:22:28,771
I'll send you a photo, Sean.

1313
01:22:29,640 --> 01:22:30,721
Yes!

1314
01:22:33,621 --> 01:22:35,137
Bye!

1315
01:22:36,800 --> 01:23:59,802
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