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As you may well know, I am many things.
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An arts dealer, an accomplished fencer,
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fair shot with most weapons.
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I am loved and respected
by all who know me...
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Slightly.
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But I have always felt
there's something missing, you see.
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Some final piece of my personal puzzle.
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I needed something bold, distinctive.
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Thank you.
10
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The work of art with which
I could declare to the heavens,
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I am Lord Charlie Mortdecai,
12
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and this little bit of magic
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is my moustache.
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I see.
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Shall we to business then, Fang?
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Would you mind?
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"Find," you said.
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And find, I have done.
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The Qianlong vase.
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Very, very rare.
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Low-fired with an immersion glaze?
22
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None of the southern
Yangtze ceramics are low-fired.
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But you know that. You're testing me.
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I'm so terribly sorry. Mosquito. You see it?
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Why don't you test the vase instead?
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I am sure that you will agree
it is a bargain at two million pounds.
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Everyone knows you're broke.
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You will take one million.
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Golly, that was a big one!
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Well, have it your way, Fang.
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One million pounds.
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I trust that you have brought the treasuries?
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I think I'll keep the money.
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And the vase.
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You cheated me in our last deal.
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I paid three million for that tapestry,
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then found out it is worth only one!
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You took from me.
Now I will take from you.
39
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Now, you look here, Fang!
Fat. Fang Fat.
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I'm an art dealer, not a charlatan.
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A rogue, perhaps,
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a scamp or scoundrel, I will grant you.
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But never an outright mountebank.
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Enough!
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You owe me.
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I believe a finger would be fair. Don't you?
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No!
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Jock!
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Iwouldn't, mate. I really wouldn't.
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Jockie, thank heavens!
Where have you been, man?
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Right behind you as always, sir.
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Jock!
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Well done, Jockie.
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It's a privilege, sir!
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Jock, you're ablaze!
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Well, I think our work here is done.
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Time to go, sir.
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Jock laid out the state
of our financial affairs.
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Basically, they involved debt.
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Massive, crushing debt.
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We hurried back to Mortdecai Manor,
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where my beloved wife, Johanna,
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having heard of our financial distress,
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was arriving home
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to sell off some of my prized possessions.
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Even my horsey picture was on the block.
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But I was hopeful my new moustache
would cheer her up.
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Darling!
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Oh, God, I missed you terribly.
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Johanna. Love of my life.
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Apple of my eye_
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I so wish you had been there.
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Can you imagine the two of us
in that frigid city,
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only our passions keeping us...
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Whoa! What is that?
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Just a little something I cooked up
whilst you were away, my darling.
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I do believe it was Maggie Thatcher
who said that kissing a man without
78
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a moustache is rather like
eating an egg without salt.
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Oh, don't point that thing at me.
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Told ya.
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I have put no inconsiderable thought
and effort into this endeavor.
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You see, the domain of a man's upper lip
is his sovereign ground...
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You have five minutes to shave it off.
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Every Mortdecai man before me
had the same. Why can't I?
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Oh, I happen to be terribly fond of it,
86
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and I have had every intention
of seeing it through.
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You mean it's going to get bigger?
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It will come to fruition, yes.
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00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:44,608
Oh, darling...
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You really won't shave it off?
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I can't, my duck. Not at this juncture.
92
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It's not even fully corked. It's a baby.
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- Jock?
-Yes, madam?
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Please, will you make up
the guest bedroom for Mr. Mortdecai?
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00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,530
Already have, madam.
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And I shan't be having dinner
downstairs this evening.
97
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I'll just have a supper tray in my room.
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Very good, madam.
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I do believe Jock has informed you
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that we are staring down
the barrel of insolvency.
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What do you plan to do about it?
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Right. Yes, well...
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That... Well... Quite.
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First thing we're doing
is selling off that Sheridan.
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Oh, my sweet little love beast,
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I am sure that we will come up
with the necessary funds
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by the end of the month.
What is today? The fifth!
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The 26th, sir.
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All right. That gives us six...
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Four days, sir.
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00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,964
Jock? Please can you take the Sheridan
up to London in the morning?
112
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I'm entering it in
the Autumn Masters Auction.
113
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Right you are, madam.
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Come, come. Let's not be rash.
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Oh, hello, poppet.
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We cannot go about selling off
family heirlooms willy-nilly.
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I'm afraid I shall have to
put my foot down, darling.
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Sorry?
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With your permission, of course.
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Bugger it. Oh, there he is.
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She'll come around, Jock.
How could she not?
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She's only human, sir.
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A quick aside about Jock.
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In addition to being
my manservant and thug,
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he also maintains an enviable rate
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of sexual intercourse,
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which can be occasionally problematic.
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Recently, after we'd concluded
the sale of a painting
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to a wealthy turkey farmer...
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What was that?
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Get your head down, sir.
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What have you done now, man?
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Onward, Jock! Onward!
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Don't shoot, farmer!
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Dad! What the hell are you doing?
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Jock! Jock, wait! Jock!
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I have me own apartment!
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Crikey, man! The farmer's daughter?
139
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I only gave her the once-over.
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Where do you find the time?
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Sorry, twice-over.
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Dear, sweet, simple Jock.
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Every man should have a Jock,
don't you think?
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Meanwhile, not far away,
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our fortunes were about to
become intertwined
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with one of the art world's
greatest mysteries.
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And a dead hag.
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Bull's-eye.
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Miss Bronwen? Everything all right?
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00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,205
Get back behind the tape!
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Excuse me. This is a crime scene.
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Hello?
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Who is this guy?
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You and your men have done
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an admirable job
stomping all over the place.
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Your services are no longer required.
157
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:51,202
Sorry, Inspector Martland, sir.
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Sorry, sir. I had no idea, sir.
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00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:01,449
Can I have all Thames Valley police officers
back in their cars, please?
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00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:03,807
There's been a jurisdictional change.
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00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:15,641
That painting could be
anywhere by now, sir.
162
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:18,405
Yes, I suppose it could.
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00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:20,767
You know we're going to
have to ring him, don't you, sir?
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00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,444
No, I do not know that, Maurice.
165
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No one knows the filthy underside
of the art world better than he, sir.
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He is the filthy underside.
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Why did it have to be art?
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Inspector Alastair Martland.
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00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:36,844
Ml5.
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00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:39,048
Martland and I met at Oxford.
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00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:40,531
Once in a while I provide him
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00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:45,242
with some off-the-record help
with the seedier side of art collecting.
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And in exchange, he gives me
a wide berth to ply my craft.
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He is also desperately in love with my wife.
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Rather annoying, really.
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What?
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00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,922
Inspector Martland, sir.
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00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,889
What does that blighter want?
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00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:07,280
Tell him to ring back
when my marriage isn't falling apart.
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00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:08,771
No, he's here, sir.
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00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:10,365
He is?
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Oh, all right. Wheel him in.
183
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:16,561
Don't get up.
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00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:18,324
I wasn't going to.
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Beware the carafe on the top shelf.
186
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,327
It contains water.
187
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:26,931
Ignoring some of the more
inviting bottles on the drinks tray,
188
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,002
he reached underneath for the big decanter,
189
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:30,241
and poured himself
190
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:34,120
a gross amount of what
he thought was my Taylor '31.
191
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,441
Score one for Mortdecai,
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00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:41,048
for I had filled it with an in valid port
of unbelievable nastiness.
193
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:42,360
Oh, excellent.
194
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:43,885
Score two.
195
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,803
Bit of cheese to go with that?
196
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,843
I should think the special one, Jock.
197
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,768
What is that infernal thing on your lip?
198
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:07,805
Is there a purpose to your presence?
199
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,128
You're in the hole
to Her Majesty's government
200
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:13,010
to the tune of eight million quid, old boy.
201
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:17,410
I had no idea I was so deep
in Her Majesty's hole.
202
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,884
God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...
203
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:40,845
That's not natural.
204
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,325
What do you think?
205
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,086
I think this woman has need
of a chiropractor.
206
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:53,322
Bronwen Fellworthy, Oxford art restorer.
207
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,401
Did you know her?
208
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:55,607
Slightly.
209
00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:59,251
I do recall a vague memory
of her having once,
210
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,561
involuntarily, one would hope,
211
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:04,524
releasing a fart
212
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,967
of such frightening power and timbre
213
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:11,247
that I feared she had done herself
a horrible mischief.
214
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:12,481
Cheese.
215
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:14,481
Thank you.
216
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:30,124
Three months ago, a small Spanish museum
sent her a Goya to be cleaned.
217
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,682
Last night she was killed.
Painting has disappeared.
218
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:37,086
Sad news, particularly for her.
219
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:39,925
But I don't see what it has to do with me.
220
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,606
Well, if my men start asking questions,
221
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:44,409
then the Goya disappears without a trace.
222
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:47,529
But you, a known trafficker of stolen art,
223
00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:49,489
well, you could make some inquiries.
224
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:54,126
Why would MI5 be interested
in the theft of a middling Goya?
225
00:14:58,280 --> 00:14:59,486
Emil Strago.
226
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:03,482
Fundamentalist, revolutionary,
trained in Syria,
227
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:07,042
fought in Senegal.
An expert in special warfare.
228
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:10,329
He's linked to a number of
terror attacks all around the world.
229
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,448
All right, he's unpleasant. What of him?
230
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:17,208
Well, we believe he entered the country
with the purpose of finding that painting.
231
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:19,362
- Why?
-We don't know why.
232
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:22,165
But if Strago is involved,
well, suffice it to say,
233
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:24,846
it's a matter of urgent national security.
234
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,571
And you would like me
to find it before he does?
235
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:30,851
Precisely.
236
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:35,451
I've given you a lot of rope
over the years, Charlie.
237
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:37,807
But now you're dangling off the end of it.
238
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:40,682
Help me find that painting,
239
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:44,128
or I'll have the magistrate open that file
and prosecute at random.
240
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:48,364
It was a catalogue of some of
my more unseemly escapades.
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00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:52,729
The file was fat and well-handled,
like a Welsh barmaid.
242
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,884
It is apparent that
you are well-versed in the stick.
243
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,611
But what of the well-known carrot?
244
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,085
What's in it for me, as they say?
245
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:04,241
Good God, man!
246
00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:06,721
We're talking about
a bloodthirsty extremist
247
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,723
threatening the lives of your countrymen.
248
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:12,531
Well, if you won't do it for me,
do it for Queen and Country.
249
00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:13,921
No!
250
00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:16,646
All right, Queen and Country,
251
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,802
travel and living expenses,
reasonable overhead.
252
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:20,321
Ten percent, sir.
253
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:24,849
And 10 percent of the insurance money
as a finder's fee.
254
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:26,281
Done.
255
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:30,046
Oh, and incidentally,
I asked for some cheese,
256
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,885
not an instrument of biological warfare.
257
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:37,887
Score one for Martland.
258
00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:40,846
- Martland...
-God.
259
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:43,764
...what else can you tell me about Strago?
260
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:47,287
Well, he's colorblind
and he's allergic to cashews.
261
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,050
Goody. Every subject of the Crown and
262
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:51,361
every cashew in the Kingdom
shall sleep safely.
263
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:52,771
Johanna, you look lovely.
264
00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:54,601
Alastair.
265
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,210
You do look lovely, darling.
266
00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:59,282
So absolutely lovely.
267
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:00,930
I thought that was you.
268
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:02,601
Radiant...
269
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,327
Martland also met Johanna at school.
270
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:07,726
After a three-year courtship,
271
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:11,600
he finally worked up the courage
to express his feelings to her.
272
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,169
In verse.
273
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:15,806
Johanna, do you...
274
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,090
Rotten timing for him.
275
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,050
- Hello!
-Martland.
276
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,847
Would you mind terribly,
dear boy, the door?
277
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,721
'Course, I'll just... I'll get it.
I'll shut the door.
278
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,281
Now, what's all this about a missing Goya?
279
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,926
Oh, it's the house. Terribly vast.
280
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:32,809
Echo-ey, don't you know?
281
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:37,522
Well, that's classified information,
I'm afraid.
282
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:40,331
You know, state secrets and what have you.
283
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:44,371
My husband is trying to reclaim his youth
by growing that horrible moustache.
284
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:46,966
Do inform him that that ship has sailed.
285
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:49,247
Every Mortdecai man before me
has had one.
286
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:51,402
And I will have you know
that some members
287
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,006
of the fairer sex do find it quite appealing.
288
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:56,649
Whom exactly?
289
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,441
No one in particular, of course.
290
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:05,166
Metaphoric woman... Women.
291
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:09,564
Metaphorically... General... You know.
292
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,651
If you are growing
that excrement on your lip
293
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:14,609
to please another, know this:
294
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:15,727
lWill kill her.
295
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:20,925
Oh, Alastair. It's so lovely.
Do come back.
296
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,800
It's so wonderful to have someone
of reasonable intelligence to converse with.
297
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:26,211
I'd be delighted.
298
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,888
Do I detect a slight crack
in the marital armor?
299
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,322
A mere tiff, old bean. Nothing more.
300
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,846
Oh, really?
Seems like more than a tiff to me.
301
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:39,083
My wife needs to come around
to a certain viewpoint. That is all.
302
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:41,725
Well, good luck, mate.
303
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,401
See what you can dig up about that Goya.
Usual channels.
304
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:45,561
We'll meet in London tomorrow.
305
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:46,641
Of course.
306
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,282
I had the painting in my hands.
307
00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:58,089
Someone must have known I was coming.
308
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:03,003
Milton Krampf? The American?
309
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:05,487
Then it must have been his dealer.
310
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:11,088
Krampf's dealer, what is his name?
311
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:13,610
Mortdecai.
312
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,965
Johanna, my darling.
313
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,441
My... My love. My...
314
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:32,085
My only true love. My love beast.
315
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:34,845
My rumpus room rascal.
316
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:39,081
You have no idea
the beast you are about to receive.
317
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:46,766
Johanna?
318
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,448
Are you all right in there, darling?
319
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:55,761
It is I, Charlie. Your husband.
320
00:19:58,520 --> 00:19:59,681
What is it?
321
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:03,168
Oh, moon of my delight.
This is your own personalized
322
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:06,528
Sheik of Araby who seeks
admission into your tent.
323
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,686
I have come to carry you off
to the burning desert,
324
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:11,808
and work my greasy will upon you
325
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,608
under the tropical stars.
326
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:18,050
Send your camel to bed, damn it!
327
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:23,447
My Sheik, does this mean
you have excommunicated
328
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,329
that moustache of the Prophet?
329
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:29,166
I'll trim it.
330
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:33,321
Darling,
331
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:37,882
I am embarking on
a very dangerous escapade
332
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,645
from which I may not well return.
333
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:44,522
And it is customary
in these situations for, you know,
334
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:47,207
a proper send-off.
335
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:50,646
Quick session of congress.
336
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:53,130
Sink the Bismarck, if you will.
337
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:55,689
And by the way, did I mention
338
00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,204
it is a matter of national security.
339
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,966
It's very difficult for me as well, you know,
340
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:14,447
this thing that's come between us.
341
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:16,329
I know, darling.
342
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:24,644
No, no. Steady yourself.
343
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:28,810
I beg you, darling, please.
344
00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:30,848
You know I have a sympathetic gag reflex.
345
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,605
Oh, God. It's unbearable.
346
00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:35,091
You will get used to it. I promise.
347
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:36,446
Why should I have to?
348
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,570
I'm invested in it.
349
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:42,167
Why can't you invest in
saving us from financial ruin?
350
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,720
Or do you want me to sort it out for you?
351
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:49,208
Heavens, no. You needn't worry yourself.
352
00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:53,925
I have things firmly in hand.
353
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:05,004
My love, you are killing me. Please.
354
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:08,482
It looked like you have
a vagina on your face.
355
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:13,611
Surely you mean the pubic hair
above a vagina.
356
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,803
I simply cannot get my head
around that image.
357
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:18,291
Oh, Charlie...
358
00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:19,486
However,
359
00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:22,120
now that you've mentioned it,
360
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:25,602
I'm unable to steer my mind away from it.
361
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,763
Go stuff a mattress with that thing!
362
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:32,405
The moustache, I mean.
363
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:41,290
...Sheamus is able to do
with a steel chair in hand.
364
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:42,441
Here we go.
365
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:46,206
Jockie,
366
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:50,082
what if it isn'tjust a tiff?
367
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:54,208
What if this is the well-known "it,"
as it were?
368
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:55,891
That'd be awful.
369
00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:57,651
Jock?
370
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,763
Are you coming back to bed?
371
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:04,970
Yeah, give us a minute, love.
372
00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:07,967
Hi.
373
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:09,567
Hello.
374
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:17,406
And myself sleeping alone.
375
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,201
How do you think this makes me feel, man?
376
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:22,327
I dunno, sir.
377
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:25,328
Dash it all, I am resolved.
378
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,051
If it is money we need,
then it is money we shall have.
379
00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:29,281
Jock?
380
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:31,365
That's me.
381
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:35,370
Tomorrow we shall sell off the Rolls
382
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:38,410
to that vulgar American, Milton Krampf,
383
00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:42,720
and we will find that painting
if it is the last thing we do.
384
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:45,087
Right-y-oh. I'll call Spinoza in the morning.
385
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:46,764
- Yes, do.
-Good night, sir.
386
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:48,321
Jock?
387
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:50,087
Yes, sir?
388
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,208
Do you think it will be
all right in the end?
389
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:53,965
I couldn't say, sir.
390
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:14,531
My first stop was to see Sir Graham Archer,
391
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:17,610
rival art dealer and Goya specialist.
392
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:22,247
A permanent fixture at
Sedgwick's Auction House in Kensington.
393
00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:26,882
I will meet you at Spinoza's in one hour.
394
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:28,371
Right you are, sir.
395
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:43,522
Sir Graham has been
the rudest man in England for years.
396
00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:47,521
Recently, he's been working
his way up to the wickedest.
397
00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:54,204
Looks like something curled up
and died on your lip.
398
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,123
It's not herpetic, I hope.
399
00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:58,248
Hello, Sir Graham, you old member.
400
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:01,165
Who are you hiding in your belly?
401
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:04,767
I see you've put your Sheridan up
in next week's sale.
402
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:06,604
Hard times, old boy?
403
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:07,886
No,no,no,no.
404
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:11,282
Just getting rid of some choice items
while the market's right.
405
00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:13,931
What do you make of
this Bronwen business?
406
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:16,530
Ghastly affair.
407
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:19,444
One always bemoans
the loss of a great restorer.
408
00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:23,124
Old bag. She should have
put locks on her doors.
409
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:26,642
You used her frequently, didn't you?
410
00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:28,051
Not lately.
411
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,248
She's been unavailable for three months.
412
00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:32,923
The Goya she was cleaning.
413
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:36,923
Rather simple job, wouldn't you say?
414
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:40,770
Usual dirt and grime
one finds on the Spaniards.
415
00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:43,446
Haven't the foggiest why it took her so long.
416
00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:47,331
What's your sudden interest, if I may ask?
417
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:52,005
A client with a mild curiosity, that's all.
418
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:59,567
We must go shooting again.
Jock has fully recovered.
419
00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:10,284
There's only one reason
420
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:13,728
you might be interested
in a museum-owned Goya,
421
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:16,571
and that's because there's money involved.
422
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:18,924
You are mistaken, sir.
423
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:22,330
There's a great deal of money involved.
424
00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:28,730
I've always admired your rapacity, sir.
425
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,801
I say, Sir Graham, I wonder,
426
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:36,645
your protrusion...
427
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:40,842
Might it be possible
to swing the old fellow north,
428
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:42,046
as it were?
429
00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:47,771
Who's the client?
430
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:50,683
Terribly sorry, sworn to secrecy.
431
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:58,203
Perhaps a brisk walk down the stairs
will do some good. Yes.
432
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:04,731
So it's that sort of Goya.
433
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:07,366
Romanov.
434
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:12,004
That painted lady you've been searching for,
435
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,650
I believe she may be in play.
436
00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:17,651
I want that painting.
437
00:27:25,360 --> 00:27:26,521
Johanna!
438
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:28,086
Alastair.
439
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:30,085
So glad you called.
440
00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:34,689
I've asked for a Chardonnay.
That is your drink, isn't it?
441
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,364
Oh, you remembered.
442
00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:39,528
Thank you.
443
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:41,602
Oh, God. How thoughtless of me.
444
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:42,926
You're on duty.
445
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,891
And in charge, thank you very much.
446
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:50,369
To what do I owe the pleasure?
447
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:52,801
I was just in the neighborhood
and thought I'd pop 'round,
448
00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:55,247
and see how
you secret agent men run the world.
449
00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:57,325
Not nearly.
450
00:27:57,400 --> 00:27:59,801
Although it is terribly vital work.
451
00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:02,804
It's not all chardonnay and afternoon trysts.
452
00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:04,521
Is this a tryst?
453
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:09,525
No, no. No, no, no, no, no.
454
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:13,688
No,no,no,no.
No,no,no,no.No,no,no.
455
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:17,241
- No, I was just...
-Of course you were.
456
00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:20,241
How are things at home?
457
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:23,849
You've touched a nerve.
458
00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:25,445
You've sensed it, Alastair.
459
00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:27,204
You always were the sensitive one.
460
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:29,768
- You've got a difficult chap.
-Beastly.
461
00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:31,126
Bit of a moron, actually.
462
00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:33,601
Maybe I should have an affair.
463
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:35,523
- Wouldn't that be funny?
-Hilarious.
464
00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:37,570
Do you think I could keep it a secret?
465
00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:39,802
- Yes!
-Well then, what's the point?
466
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:43,482
Now, tell me, what are you and my husband
working on at the moment?
467
00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:46,927
Well, in vague terms,
468
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:48,729
there's a very bad man
who wants what I want,
469
00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:49,847
and I'm trying to stop him.
470
00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:53,561
And what does a missing Goya
have to do with national security?
471
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:55,161
In vague terms.
472
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:57,570
Johanna“.
473
00:28:57,640 --> 00:29:00,450
You think poor Miss Fellworthy
stumbled into something,
474
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:02,363
and that's why she got killed.
475
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:03,965
I really can't say.
476
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:06,288
Oh, this is interesting.
477
00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:10,202
Creates quite a market when a painting
with a little mystery goes missing.
478
00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:11,406
So much to do.
479
00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:13,807
What was the name of
Bronwen's college at Oxford?
480
00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:16,611
Johanna, I simply can't.
481
00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:19,290
Right. Sorry.
482
00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:24,242
Oh, golly. Look at the time.
I really must be going.
483
00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:25,526
It was lovely to see you, Alastair.
484
00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:29,004
Thank you ever-so-much
for letting me confide in you.
485
00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:31,566
I feel that I could share anything with you.
486
00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:36,402
Don't you feel the same?
That you could share with me?
487
00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:39,371
Bronwen's college?
488
00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:40,887
You're rather monstrous.
489
00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:42,564
Of course you're aware of that.
490
00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:45,166
- Blackfriar's Hall.
-We must do this again.
491
00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:48,681
Hopeless.
492
00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:59,326
Besides being the finest garage man
in Western Civilization,
493
00:29:59,440 --> 00:30:03,968
Spinoza was the best
art smuggler in the business,
494
00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:08,244
and the eyes and ears
of the art world's underbelly.
495
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:12,844
Hello, Spinoza, you handsome devil!
496
00:30:12,920 --> 00:30:14,888
It's a fine day to be alive, what?
497
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:19,722
You bloody chicken, bloody monkey,
so good-for-nothing pot of piss, innit?
498
00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:22,644
Spinoza, you silver-tongued scallywag.
499
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:24,411
What's the matter with you?
500
00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:27,609
You one book short of a library,
you maggot?
501
00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:29,131
You one megabyte short of a RAM?
502
00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:31,601
The rest was a bit rude,
so I won't quote him verbatim.
503
00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:33,250
But what vexed him so
504
00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:35,527
was a matter of some
overdue bills on the Rolls,
505
00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:40,083
which I had now asked him to package
and ship off to America on credit.
506
00:30:40,840 --> 00:30:43,207
You mother-loving bastard! Hello.
507
00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:44,607
Right.
508
00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:48,924
Spinoza, I did not come here to discuss
my relationship with my mother,
509
00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:50,809
nor my relationship to your mother.
510
00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:53,488
No. We have two items of business.
511
00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:55,767
Item one: the Rolls-Royce,
512
00:30:55,840 --> 00:31:01,006
which I have reluctantly agreed to sell
to that thick-fingered American, Krampf.
513
00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:05,406
Item the second: I need to ascertain
514
00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:08,723
whether any unsavory types
have enlisted you
515
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:11,280
to smuggle a painting
out of the country recently.
516
00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:16,203
And for your information, I am holding up
517
00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:19,161
a 50-pound note.
518
00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:22,645
Never mind about that.
519
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:25,963
You should treat a jam jar car like this
520
00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:29,487
with more respect when you drive it
down the frog and toad road.
521
00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:31,767
It's not some Toyota Clitoris.
522
00:31:32,080 --> 00:31:33,241
- No, no.
-No!
523
00:31:33,320 --> 00:31:36,290
Is a Rolls... The bloody Silver,
524
00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:38,806
the whacking Cloud, the bollock Royce!
525
00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:41,491
Someone shooting at the bloody car!
526
00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:45,211
Someone shooting at me!
527
00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:56,007
I'm armed!
528
00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:05,764
- Oh, Jock!
-Yeah.
529
00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:08,849
I should probably mention
530
00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:11,526
that this was not the
first time I had shot Jock.
531
00:32:12,400 --> 00:32:15,449
Come on, you little bastards.
Come out and get it.
532
00:32:24,520 --> 00:32:28,241
Oh, afraid I'm all thumbs
with these damn things!
533
00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:33,088
- Sandwich, sir.
-I believe I've just shot Jock.
534
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:34,161
Quite.
535
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:37,007
Man down! Man down!
536
00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:38,771
Could you give me the gun, please?
537
00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:39,887
This bit?
538
00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:41,803
Yes, most... No, no.
539
00:32:42,520 --> 00:32:44,841
Oh, and poor Spinoza...
540
00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:46,968
You should go, sir,
before the shooter circles 'round.
541
00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:48,326
I'll handle things this end.
542
00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:49,561
Quite.
543
00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:51,805
Cover me, as it were?
544
00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:53,006
Yes, sir.
545
00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:56,810
That's the old feudal spirit, Jock.
546
00:32:56,880 --> 00:32:58,041
Get in.
547
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:00,247
Oh, dear!
548
00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:05,641
Oh, Jock.
549
00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:07,165
- Jock?
-Yeah?
550
00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:08,571
The door? Please?
551
00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:15,729
Right. Gosh, it's been ages.
552
00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:34,406
Goodness, that's awkward.
553
00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:35,766
It's all right, sir. It's all right.
554
00:33:35,840 --> 00:33:36,887
It's just a cracked rib.
555
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:40,727
Please, sir, if you wouldn't mind
leaving out the back. On foot.
556
00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:42,241
By myself?
557
00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:43,367
Please, sir. Just leave.
558
00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:51,445
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear,
oh, dear, oh, dear...
559
00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:54,041
Give me the painting.
560
00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:56,122
What makes you think I have it?
561
00:33:56,360 --> 00:33:57,805
Give me the painting!
562
00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:02,851
That is a superb Hulihee sans sideburn,
I must say.
563
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:04,769
I was admiring your Franz Joseph.
564
00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:05,887
Oh, thank you very much.
565
00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:08,123
I'll have it on my wall.
566
00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:09,446
Jock?
567
00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:13,970
Oh, well done.
568
00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:17,281
What should I do now?
569
00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:18,930
- Run, sir!
-Again?
570
00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:20,240
Yes!
571
00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:26,246
Run, I shall, like a bloody gazelle!
572
00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:29,802
The Mortdecai men have always
been in tip-top shape, don't you know?
573
00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:31,486
Fit as a fiddle!
574
00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:47,002
Oh, it's burning... I... I can't go on...
575
00:34:52,240 --> 00:34:53,366
Want to die...
576
00:34:54,160 --> 00:34:55,366
No, I don't.
577
00:34:59,520 --> 00:35:00,521
Sir!
578
00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:02,885
I'm on the bonnet!
579
00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:05,043
Get in the car, sir!
580
00:35:08,720 --> 00:35:10,131
I don't like it!
581
00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:19,167
Hello!
582
00:35:28,720 --> 00:35:30,722
Jockie! Advise?
583
00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:32,883
- Get in the back seat, sir!
-Okay!
584
00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:41,641
Foreigner!
585
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:43,566
No!
586
00:35:44,160 --> 00:35:45,400
Out you g0!
587
00:35:55,080 --> 00:35:56,320
Oh, Jock!
588
00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:58,562
Don't worry, sir. I'm all right.
I am all right.
589
00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:01,086
No, no, man! My little sproutling.
590
00:36:01,160 --> 00:36:03,083
- What?
-Has it been compromised?
591
00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:16,849
Well done, Jock.
592
00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:18,331
It's a privilege, sir.
593
00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:20,402
Didn't take long for you
to make a mess of things.
594
00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:23,051
Oh, you listen here, you do-gooder!
595
00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:27,364
Your Emil Strago just killed my garage man
and physically assaulted my person.
596
00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:29,841
He seems to think that I have the painting.
597
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:30,921
What have you found?
598
00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:34,522
Well, I will tell you that
there is more here than meets the eye.
599
00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:37,046
No painting takes three months to clean,
600
00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:39,885
so I believe that Bronwen
was working on the Goya
601
00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:41,962
and discovered something underneath.
602
00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:44,531
I should like to see her studio immediately.
603
00:36:44,600 --> 00:36:46,284
In the cars, quickly. Maurice, Oxford.
604
00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:47,441
Yes, sir.
605
00:36:56,960 --> 00:36:59,531
I've been helpin' out Miss Fellworthy
goin' on five years now.
606
00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:02,528
Just keepin' the place tidy and whatnot.
607
00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:06,285
You have been grossly overcompensated.
608
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:07,521
Her lover was no help.
609
00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:09,724
Lover? Bronwen?
610
00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:11,086
Yeah, a Duke.
611
00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:13,242
No help whatsoever, randy bugger.
612
00:37:15,240 --> 00:37:20,167
"Love... your... Bunny."
613
00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:22,481
Love your Bunny?
614
00:37:23,840 --> 00:37:25,922
A child! She spawned a child!
615
00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:28,207
The woman bred! What an odious thought.
616
00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:31,409
Don't imbibe the crime scene.
617
00:37:31,480 --> 00:37:35,451
I found her here, sprawled over the table,
with an arrow out of her back.
618
00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:37,807
'Course you did, man,
because the assailant fired from here.
619
00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:39,928
- No, from the window.
-With a spear gun.
620
00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:42,082
- With a crossbow.
-He was left-handed.
621
00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:44,003
Jesus Christ.
622
00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:46,644
Is this how she was found?
623
00:37:46,720 --> 00:37:48,449
- What are you doing?
-Oh, no. To the left a bit.
624
00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:50,682
- Like this?
-Sorry, I meant to the right.
625
00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:52,489
Like this? Like this?
626
00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:54,888
Are you quite finished buggering around?
627
00:37:55,560 --> 00:37:56,766
No.
628
00:37:57,360 --> 00:38:01,365
Because I have a question for you, old bean.
629
00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:04,531
Will I be given a badge,
nestled in some sort of
630
00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:07,729
cheap, leather encasement,
just like on telly?
631
00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:09,450
- Maurice?
-Sir?
632
00:38:09,520 --> 00:38:11,807
Show him the photographs. Excuse me.
633
00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:14,930
These were found in her camera.
634
00:38:15,240 --> 00:38:17,481
Yeah, like I told the lady earlier today,
635
00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:20,689
Miss Bronwen would take photos
of each stage of her work, bless her.
636
00:38:21,120 --> 00:38:22,121
Which lady?
637
00:38:22,920 --> 00:38:26,561
Well, the lady with the hair and brain.
638
00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:32,280
I may have mentioned Bronwen
to Johanna at lunch today.
639
00:38:35,760 --> 00:38:37,569
You were luncheoning with my wife?
640
00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:39,167
Let's look at the photographs.
641
00:38:39,240 --> 00:38:40,651
Yes, let's look at the photographs.
642
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:43,126
Horrible composition.
643
00:38:44,560 --> 00:38:46,449
Lighting positively medieval.
644
00:38:47,560 --> 00:38:49,847
This one taken by accident, utterly useless...
645
00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:52,241
Hang on a tic.
646
00:38:53,240 --> 00:38:55,527
That is not your Goya.
647
00:38:56,080 --> 00:38:57,320
What do you mean?
648
00:38:57,400 --> 00:39:00,483
That is not the same painting as the others.
649
00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:04,364
Where have I seen that hand
before in the background?
650
00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:06,807
Finger pointing down. Ring.
651
00:39:08,080 --> 00:39:10,367
Good Lord! It couldn't be!
652
00:39:10,440 --> 00:39:11,521
Couldn't be what?
653
00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:13,691
To the library, chaps!
654
00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:22,083
There has never been
an accurate reproduction because
655
00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:25,050
it vanished after the unveiling,
656
00:39:25,120 --> 00:39:27,361
but I do remember
that there was an etching
657
00:39:27,440 --> 00:39:29,044
or some such hint of...
658
00:39:30,120 --> 00:39:31,884
There it is.
659
00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:33,450
The Duchess of Wellington.
660
00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:37,444
Bronwen has found the lost Goya.
661
00:39:38,920 --> 00:39:40,922
Goya was commissioned
by Charles IV of Spain
662
00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:42,889
to paint her in 1792.
663
00:39:43,720 --> 00:39:47,122
She was said to be
his greatest masterpiece.
664
00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:48,961
Unfortunately,
665
00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:53,486
she was also said to have been
the King's mistress.
666
00:39:54,680 --> 00:39:56,330
The Queen was unamused.
667
00:39:56,800 --> 00:40:00,009
Humiliated, she ordered
the painting to be burned.
668
00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:03,163
But instead it was stolen
and secreted away.
669
00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:07,601
Some say that Goya himself
engineered the theft.
670
00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:14,288
For 200 years, the painting
was sought by collectors,
671
00:40:14,360 --> 00:40:16,010
craved by the mighty,
672
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,447
and became the stuff of legend.
673
00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:19,925
And is the legend true?
674
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:21,331
Does it matter?
675
00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:24,244
The truth is nice, but a rumor is priceless.
676
00:40:24,680 --> 00:40:26,648
What does Strago want with it?
677
00:40:26,720 --> 00:40:28,210
If it does exist, it belongs to Spain.
678
00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:30,607
If anyone tried to sell it,
they'd be arrested on the spot.
679
00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:33,968
Yes, well, that is where the story
gets interesting, you see.
680
00:40:34,040 --> 00:40:38,728
The Duchess pops up again
in France in 1943,
681
00:40:39,440 --> 00:40:41,602
looted from some sealed room
682
00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:44,763
in an unpronounceable
chateau by the Jerrys.
683
00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:48,526
Hermann Goering was said to have been
obsessed with the painting,
684
00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:51,809
and there are rumors
that he inscribed on it
685
00:40:51,880 --> 00:40:55,930
the codes to his numbered
Swiss bank account.
686
00:40:56,440 --> 00:40:59,569
Untold riches and all that, what?
687
00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:01,001
But
688
00:41:01,920 --> 00:41:05,891
when the allies captured Goering...
689
00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:08,560
Out of the way, out of the way.
690
00:41:08,920 --> 00:41:11,446
...there was no mention of the painting.
691
00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:15,450
It had vanished once again into history,
692
00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:18,526
and the secret bank accounts along with it.
693
00:41:18,600 --> 00:41:19,886
What are we talking about here?
694
00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:22,884
Hundreds and hundreds of millions,
surrounded by all that
695
00:41:23,000 --> 00:41:26,129
Gruyere, chocolate, and fine wines.
696
00:41:26,240 --> 00:41:27,730
Well, that's what Emil's after.
697
00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:28,847
The fine wine?
698
00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:31,844
No, the fortune to fund
violent worldwide revolution.
699
00:41:31,920 --> 00:41:32,887
Right!
700
00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:34,769
Multiple attacks over the years to come,
701
00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:36,171
countless lives are at stake.
702
00:41:36,240 --> 00:41:38,208
That painting should be destroyed.
703
00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:41,727
Yeah. Fingers crossed, chaps,
you find it first.
704
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:43,006
I'm off for a wee.
705
00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:07,046
I'm deeply, deeply flattered, young man.
706
00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:12,081
However, I myself do not swing that...
707
00:42:12,160 --> 00:42:14,322
Golly! I have read about this.
708
00:42:18,120 --> 00:42:21,044
I sunk into an uneasy slumber,
709
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:26,004
interspersed curiously with erotic dreams.
710
00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:05,162
Lady Mortdecai, the Duke is expecting you.
711
00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:07,001
This way.
712
00:43:14,360 --> 00:43:17,170
Her Lady Mortdecai to see you, Your Grace.
713
00:43:17,880 --> 00:43:19,769
The Duke of Asherboroughdon.
714
00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:22,767
Your Grace. So kind of you to see me.
715
00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:25,680
Lady Mortdecai.
716
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:31,286
You'll forgive me just a moment, I'm sure?
717
00:43:31,360 --> 00:43:32,771
Of course.
718
00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:39,805
Lady Mortdecai.
719
00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:43,441
Johnson!
720
00:43:43,520 --> 00:43:47,081
Who is this woman Mortdecai
and what does she want?
721
00:43:47,640 --> 00:43:49,210
Well, I don't know. I don't know.
722
00:43:49,280 --> 00:43:50,566
Why wasn't I told?
723
00:43:51,280 --> 00:43:53,487
She's so damned attractive.
724
00:43:54,240 --> 00:43:55,651
Hello? Hello?
725
00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:03,001
Water bailiff.
726
00:44:04,160 --> 00:44:07,562
Had to speak to the water bailiff
about my water.
727
00:44:08,720 --> 00:44:12,930
Fishing tomorrow, you know. Hate it. Sit.
728
00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:14,925
Bloody nuisance.
729
00:44:17,440 --> 00:44:18,487
Your Grace,
730
00:44:18,560 --> 00:44:21,325
I understand you were close
with Bronwen Fellworthy.
731
00:44:21,400 --> 00:44:23,164
- Yes.
-I'm very sorry.
732
00:44:24,240 --> 00:44:28,165
Her gardener gave me your name,
and I wondered...
733
00:44:28,240 --> 00:44:30,129
The painting she was working on
in the end...
734
00:44:31,760 --> 00:44:32,761
What?
735
00:44:33,920 --> 00:44:35,922
No, I can't understand a word she says.
736
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:39,561
I've been trying to get rid of her,
but she's so damned attractive.
737
00:44:40,520 --> 00:44:41,851
Sorry. You were saying?
738
00:44:41,920 --> 00:44:43,729
You served in the War then, Your Grace?
739
00:44:43,800 --> 00:44:45,086
Poor old gal.
740
00:44:45,440 --> 00:44:49,843
Done to death with malice
aforethought and so forth.
741
00:44:50,280 --> 00:44:51,327
Poor Bronwen.
742
00:44:52,600 --> 00:44:54,364
The painting, Your Grace.
743
00:44:56,120 --> 00:44:59,442
Did she ever mention
The Duchess of Wellington?
744
00:44:59,520 --> 00:45:01,284
Beautiful woman.
745
00:45:01,360 --> 00:45:02,361
Bronwen?
746
00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:04,291
Must to the lavatory.
747
00:45:04,840 --> 00:45:09,129
Would you care to come
and take a peek at it, eh?
748
00:45:11,840 --> 00:45:13,968
An exquisite invitation, Your Grace,
749
00:45:14,040 --> 00:45:15,804
but I'm afraid I must decline.
750
00:45:15,880 --> 00:45:17,405
Let's get back to the Duchess.
751
00:45:17,680 --> 00:45:19,648
- Bunny has it.
-I beg your pardon?
752
00:45:19,800 --> 00:45:22,326
During the War. Nazi bastards.
753
00:45:22,400 --> 00:45:25,563
Bunny rolled it up in a carpet
and didn't tell a soul.
754
00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:27,244
Bunny is a soldier in your unit?
755
00:45:27,320 --> 00:45:29,322
7th Army, 2nd Division.
756
00:45:29,400 --> 00:45:32,768
Captured Goering. First man in the room.
757
00:45:32,840 --> 00:45:34,808
Do you think that Bunny
still has the painting now?
758
00:45:35,200 --> 00:45:37,362
Must to the W.C.
759
00:45:39,000 --> 00:45:41,002
Do have a look, eh?
760
00:45:41,680 --> 00:45:43,842
I'm afraid I must be going, Your Grace.
761
00:45:44,840 --> 00:45:46,683
Thank you very much for your time.
762
00:45:47,720 --> 00:45:50,007
And you are?
763
00:45:51,040 --> 00:45:52,769
The water bailiff, Your Grace.
764
00:45:53,320 --> 00:45:55,163
Fishing tomorrow's been cancelled.
765
00:45:58,680 --> 00:45:59,806
Thank heaven.
766
00:46:11,720 --> 00:46:13,961
What's that? Funny.
767
00:46:27,280 --> 00:46:30,250
Right. I demand some explanations.
768
00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:33,883
No, no. Change that. I need a restorative.
769
00:46:33,960 --> 00:46:35,246
How 'bout some finger sandwiches?
770
00:46:35,800 --> 00:46:38,883
Just the usual, you know.
Egg cress, prawn mayonnaise,
771
00:46:39,240 --> 00:46:42,130
possibly a gallon of your finest whisky
772
00:46:42,200 --> 00:46:43,361
just to start the day properly.
773
00:46:43,440 --> 00:46:45,044
You know how it is, gentlemen.
774
00:46:46,760 --> 00:46:47,761
Oh, I see.
775
00:46:52,120 --> 00:46:53,406
Actually, make that caviar.
776
00:46:54,240 --> 00:46:58,006
Some warmed blinis, creme fraiche,
boiled egg whites,
777
00:46:58,080 --> 00:47:01,402
and vodka so ice cold
you need gloves to handle it.
778
00:47:02,440 --> 00:47:04,886
And don't forget the herringbone spoon.
779
00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:06,928
We're not savages, after all, are we?
780
00:47:10,080 --> 00:47:11,844
Welcome to Russia, Mr. Mortdecai.
781
00:47:13,080 --> 00:47:14,320
And you are?
782
00:47:14,840 --> 00:47:15,887
Roman Romanov.
783
00:47:16,160 --> 00:47:18,970
Romanov. Sir Graham's client.
784
00:47:19,440 --> 00:47:21,647
So I have him to thank for this.
785
00:47:24,440 --> 00:47:26,522
Oh, that's unpleasant.
786
00:47:26,600 --> 00:47:27,681
Where's the Goya?
787
00:47:28,760 --> 00:47:31,001
- I don't know.
-But you know about art.
788
00:47:31,080 --> 00:47:32,081
A bit.
789
00:47:32,320 --> 00:47:34,846
You have a Turner of the Loire,
which cannot be right
790
00:47:34,920 --> 00:47:36,729
because the original
is hanging in the D'Orsay.
791
00:47:36,800 --> 00:47:37,847
Terribly sorry.
792
00:47:38,320 --> 00:47:41,290
A magnificent Callow of about 1840,
793
00:47:41,760 --> 00:47:44,081
a polychrome James Bourne, rare,
794
00:47:45,120 --> 00:47:48,602
a pair of rather flashy Varleys
from his last period,
795
00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:51,964
and the finest Edridge I have ever seen.
796
00:47:52,480 --> 00:47:55,131
Yes. Where is the Goya?
797
00:47:55,640 --> 00:47:57,642
Well, where is the last place you saw it?
798
00:47:57,720 --> 00:47:59,370
Have you looked under your couch?
799
00:47:59,480 --> 00:48:00,891
No, because when I've lost something,
800
00:48:00,960 --> 00:48:03,531
sometimes I say to myself,
"Charlie, where could it be?"
801
00:48:04,160 --> 00:48:08,324
Oh, God! That wasn't nice!
802
00:48:09,480 --> 00:48:11,562
Oh, no! No.
803
00:48:11,640 --> 00:48:14,883
For 17 years, I pursued this painting.
You know why?
804
00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:17,167
Because I want, I will have.
805
00:48:19,800 --> 00:48:22,610
This will be easier and much less painful
806
00:48:22,680 --> 00:48:24,170
if you please to tell me.
807
00:48:24,520 --> 00:48:25,567
Where is the painting?
808
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:27,685
But why does everyone seem to think...
809
00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:34,450
You pretended to be gentle, but you weren't!
810
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:38,000
Milton Krampf tells everyone
he is getting painting.
811
00:48:38,080 --> 00:48:40,287
You're his dealer, so you have painting!
812
00:48:40,360 --> 00:48:43,170
I am very sorry. I simply don't know.
813
00:48:43,240 --> 00:48:47,609
Dmitri, please to fetch 12-volt
high-tension car battery.
814
00:48:48,840 --> 00:48:51,810
I am afraid you are barking up
the wrong Englishman, comrade.
815
00:48:51,880 --> 00:48:54,850
Vladimir, please to take
Mr. Mortdecai's trousers down.
816
00:48:58,000 --> 00:48:59,764
Perhaps we can work something out.
817
00:48:59,840 --> 00:49:03,731
What if I find it for you?
Say, 30% finder's fee, what?
818
00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:05,686
Open your balls.
819
00:49:09,080 --> 00:49:12,129
I shan't! What does that even mean?
820
00:49:14,880 --> 00:49:15,961
I'll go to 20%.
821
00:49:17,640 --> 00:49:18,641
Balls.
822
00:49:19,960 --> 00:49:21,769
10% seems exploitive!
823
00:49:24,640 --> 00:49:26,210
That's not cricket!
824
00:49:31,200 --> 00:49:32,326
Oh, Jock.
825
00:49:36,680 --> 00:49:37,681
Jump!
826
00:49:38,400 --> 00:49:40,402
Dear, sweet, resourceful Jock.
827
00:49:41,720 --> 00:49:43,165
It's my manservant.
828
00:49:43,240 --> 00:49:45,925
It appears he's requesting
my immediate self-defenestration.
829
00:49:51,400 --> 00:49:52,447
Balls!
830
00:49:54,240 --> 00:49:55,321
Forgive me, Vladimir.
831
00:49:59,760 --> 00:50:00,807
No balls.
832
00:50:04,800 --> 00:50:07,804
Thank you so much, Vladimir.
833
00:50:08,600 --> 00:50:09,761
Oh, lsee...
834
00:50:11,920 --> 00:50:14,844
Hello! I'm outside.
835
00:50:14,920 --> 00:50:15,921
Come on, sir.
836
00:50:16,000 --> 00:50:17,923
I wish to use your telephone!
837
00:50:18,000 --> 00:50:19,001
Head toward the bike.
838
00:50:19,080 --> 00:50:21,924
Oh, I love motorcycles. They're very fast.
839
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:23,843
- Sir? Sir?
-What, Jock?
840
00:50:23,920 --> 00:50:24,921
Your trousers.
841
00:50:25,040 --> 00:50:26,451
- It's a little unseemly.
-The trousers...
842
00:50:26,520 --> 00:50:29,888
Jock, you know, it's entirely possible
that I've bumped my head...
843
00:50:29,960 --> 00:50:30,927
You think?
844
00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:34,243
Have you heard the expression,
"Open your balls"?
845
00:50:34,320 --> 00:50:35,401
No, sir.
846
00:50:35,480 --> 00:50:37,130
It made me feel dirty.
847
00:50:43,280 --> 00:50:44,441
Hang on, sir!
848
00:50:52,800 --> 00:50:53,961
Bloody good show, Jock!
849
00:50:54,920 --> 00:50:56,490
You really are a cut above!
850
00:50:58,400 --> 00:51:00,243
Where would you like to go, sir?
851
00:51:00,320 --> 00:51:02,926
The only safe ground is English soil.
852
00:51:03,800 --> 00:51:05,404
To the Embassy, chop-chop.
853
00:51:06,440 --> 00:51:07,646
Jock?
854
00:51:09,080 --> 00:51:10,491
Keep your head down, sir!
855
00:51:13,880 --> 00:51:15,086
- Hang on, sir!
-Okay!
856
00:51:16,320 --> 00:51:17,481
- Jock?
-Yes, sir?
857
00:51:17,560 --> 00:51:19,324
Will it be all right in the end?
858
00:51:19,400 --> 00:51:20,606
I couldn't say, sir!
859
00:51:29,880 --> 00:51:31,086
No, not the stairs!
860
00:51:37,960 --> 00:51:39,689
A bit of noise, sir!
861
00:51:41,200 --> 00:51:42,611
There we go!
862
00:51:55,920 --> 00:51:57,843
Oh, that was dashed exhilarating.
863
00:51:58,520 --> 00:51:59,601
Where to, sir?
864
00:51:59,720 --> 00:52:01,882
Well, it was long ago,
and she was underage,
865
00:52:01,960 --> 00:52:03,962
but I do believe the embassy is that way.
866
00:52:04,040 --> 00:52:05,451
- Right you are, sir.
-Right.
867
00:52:06,720 --> 00:52:08,210
- Jockie?
-Yes, sir?
868
00:52:08,640 --> 00:52:09,971
"Open your balls"?
869
00:52:10,040 --> 00:52:11,280
I have no idea.
870
00:52:11,360 --> 00:52:14,569
Is it that you actually know
and don't want to tell me?
871
00:52:15,200 --> 00:52:16,247
Yes, sir.
872
00:52:18,720 --> 00:52:19,801
- Yes?
-They've got him.
873
00:52:19,880 --> 00:52:21,405
Ambassador's residence in Moscow.
874
00:52:21,480 --> 00:52:22,811
They're putting him on
the next flight to Heathrow.
875
00:52:22,880 --> 00:52:23,881
Thank you.
876
00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:26,088
Oh, and his wife is on line six for you, sir.
877
00:52:26,160 --> 00:52:27,161
Thank you!
878
00:52:29,160 --> 00:52:30,321
Thank you, Maurice.
879
00:52:32,160 --> 00:52:33,241
Maurice?
880
00:52:34,320 --> 00:52:35,481
Shut the door.
881
00:52:36,160 --> 00:52:37,286
Yes, sir.
882
00:52:40,400 --> 00:52:42,926
Hello, Johanna. We've found him.
He's on his way home.
883
00:52:43,000 --> 00:52:44,889
Thank heavens.
884
00:52:44,960 --> 00:52:47,691
This place is an absolute
mausoleum on one's own.
885
00:52:47,760 --> 00:52:48,886
Do you feel unsafe?
886
00:52:48,960 --> 00:52:50,166
A bit.
887
00:52:50,240 --> 00:52:52,083
I could park outside for the night.
888
00:52:52,160 --> 00:52:55,767
Oh, I couldn't ask.
But how about tomorrow?
889
00:52:55,840 --> 00:52:58,411
Do come in, of course. Say, 8:00?
890
00:52:58,480 --> 00:53:01,006
You, me, and Charlie?
891
00:53:01,080 --> 00:53:02,320
Well, of course, Alastair.
892
00:53:02,400 --> 00:53:04,767
Wouldn't do, the two of us
here alone, would it?
893
00:53:06,120 --> 00:53:07,201
No, I suppose not.
894
00:53:07,840 --> 00:53:11,561
Still, if he can't make it, he can't make it.
895
00:53:12,320 --> 00:53:13,890
May I bring anything?
896
00:53:14,000 --> 00:53:15,684
Perhaps there is something you could bring.
897
00:53:15,760 --> 00:53:17,205
A bottle of Chardonnay?
898
00:53:17,280 --> 00:53:18,930
A complete regimental listing of
899
00:53:19,000 --> 00:53:22,004
the British 7th Army,
2nd Division, June of 1945.
900
00:53:23,840 --> 00:53:25,080
Very well, Johanna.
901
00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:26,650
'Til tomorrow. Ta!
902
00:53:30,560 --> 00:53:33,131
Well, maybe he won't be able to make it.
903
00:53:48,640 --> 00:53:49,880
Uppy. uppy, Jock!
904
00:53:49,960 --> 00:53:51,086
You are uppy, sir.
905
00:53:51,160 --> 00:53:53,208
Am I? Where are we?
906
00:53:54,480 --> 00:53:56,403
You should see the other fellow.
907
00:53:58,800 --> 00:54:00,962
The fact that you're as drunk
as a fiddler's bitch
908
00:54:01,040 --> 00:54:02,451
in no way obviates the fact
909
00:54:02,520 --> 00:54:05,649
that you very nearly caused
an international incident.
910
00:54:05,760 --> 00:54:09,287
A man your age has no excuse
for looking or behaving like
911
00:54:09,360 --> 00:54:13,684
a fugitive from a home
for alcoholic music hall artistes.
912
00:54:14,400 --> 00:54:17,006
I will have you know that
I am not an alcoholic.
913
00:54:17,080 --> 00:54:20,368
I am a drunk, and there is a vast difference.
914
00:54:20,760 --> 00:54:24,003
In my defense,
I was not drinking until the plane.
915
00:54:24,280 --> 00:54:26,442
- And in the car, sir.
-And a bit in the car.
916
00:54:26,520 --> 00:54:28,568
And the Ambassador's residence.
917
00:54:28,640 --> 00:54:30,961
And at the Ambassador's residence.
918
00:54:31,560 --> 00:54:36,043
The only advice I offer is you do not apply
to another of our embassies for help
919
00:54:36,120 --> 00:54:40,762
if and when you outrage the laws
of the United States, once you are there.
920
00:54:40,880 --> 00:54:42,689
Stop! Stop!
921
00:54:43,360 --> 00:54:46,091
Are you suggesting that
I go to the Colonies?
922
00:54:46,560 --> 00:54:49,484
Perish the vile thought. I couldn't possibly.
923
00:54:49,560 --> 00:54:53,645
The sale of your Rolls-Royce to Krampf
will offer you a perfect cover.
924
00:54:53,720 --> 00:54:55,848
Find out if he's got that painting.
925
00:54:55,920 --> 00:54:58,605
Get behind the gates of his estate
and poke around a bit.
926
00:54:59,200 --> 00:55:02,522
The car has been loaded upon
a cargo flight to Los Angeles,
927
00:55:02,600 --> 00:55:04,125
and is halfway across the Atlantic.
928
00:55:04,200 --> 00:55:06,043
You will follow.
929
00:55:06,120 --> 00:55:08,600
California? Oh, icky!
930
00:55:08,960 --> 00:55:10,644
Your bags have been packed and checked,
931
00:55:10,720 --> 00:55:13,166
and your flight leaves... Now.
932
00:55:13,240 --> 00:55:14,571
On your feet, soldier.
933
00:55:16,600 --> 00:55:17,761
Hang on to me.
934
00:55:19,600 --> 00:55:24,049
I should like to ring my wife because
she's probably quite worried about me.
935
00:55:24,120 --> 00:55:25,849
Oh, don't worry about her.
936
00:55:25,920 --> 00:55:27,331
I've been keeping her filled in.
937
00:55:30,320 --> 00:55:32,448
I say, old bean!
938
00:55:32,760 --> 00:55:34,808
Go to America and see Krampf.
939
00:55:34,880 --> 00:55:36,609
Do what it takes to bring the painting back,
940
00:55:36,680 --> 00:55:39,251
and leave Johanna to me.
941
00:55:53,760 --> 00:55:56,001
Jock? Come here.
942
00:55:57,600 --> 00:55:59,125
I'm frightened.
943
00:55:59,200 --> 00:56:02,966
Do you think that Johanna is
thawing on the subject of the moustache?
944
00:56:08,240 --> 00:56:09,401
Hi.
945
00:56:09,480 --> 00:56:10,811
Hello.
946
00:56:13,640 --> 00:56:15,210
Sorry, there was a queue.
947
00:56:19,080 --> 00:56:20,764
Good God, man!
948
00:56:21,920 --> 00:56:22,967
Jockie!
949
00:56:23,280 --> 00:56:27,763
Focus, man! There are
but five days to insolvency.
950
00:56:27,840 --> 00:56:30,491
- Two, sir.
-No, today's, what, Monday?
951
00:56:30,560 --> 00:56:31,561
Thursday, sir.
952
00:56:31,640 --> 00:56:33,881
Well done. Carry on.
953
00:57:09,120 --> 00:57:12,442
Jock. Dear, sweet, sperm-heavy Jock.
954
00:57:12,520 --> 00:57:15,285
Behold this America, this new colossus,
955
00:57:15,360 --> 00:57:17,408
this fair land of the free!
956
00:57:18,240 --> 00:57:20,720
What kind of hell-place is this?
957
00:57:22,240 --> 00:57:24,288
I feel as though we've made a wrong turn
958
00:57:24,360 --> 00:57:26,567
and arrived on the set
of a pornographic film.
959
00:57:26,640 --> 00:57:30,361
Have we taken a wrong turn and arrived
on the set of a pornographic film?
960
00:57:31,920 --> 00:57:32,921
Checking in?
961
00:57:33,520 --> 00:57:36,729
I am Mortdecai, Lord of Silverdale.
962
00:57:37,520 --> 00:57:42,162
I should like to request a bucket of ice,
"Do Not Disturb" sign, and a bulldozer.
963
00:57:43,520 --> 00:57:45,568
- Checking in?
-Yeah, we're checking in.
964
00:57:46,840 --> 00:57:49,571
I suspect I may need to redecorate.
965
00:57:50,040 --> 00:57:52,042
Room 326, overlooks the pool.
966
00:57:53,000 --> 00:57:56,129
So all I must do is show up,
967
00:57:56,240 --> 00:57:58,208
and I'm presented with a credit card.
968
00:57:58,880 --> 00:58:01,963
No wonder your country's in financial ruin.
969
00:58:02,080 --> 00:58:04,003
Do you need help with your bags?
970
00:58:04,080 --> 00:58:06,048
No, I do not need help with my bags.
971
00:58:06,120 --> 00:58:07,929
I have a fucking manservant.
972
00:58:09,240 --> 00:58:10,480
Strange country.
973
00:58:21,760 --> 00:58:22,921
Hello.
974
00:58:28,920 --> 00:58:30,081
Hold it.
975
00:58:32,720 --> 00:58:33,767
Thanks.
976
00:58:36,600 --> 00:58:37,761
Hey-
977
00:58:38,320 --> 00:58:39,321
Hello...
978
00:58:56,000 --> 00:58:58,765
It's like listening to bloody orangutans!
979
00:58:59,480 --> 00:59:01,960
Oh, really, why? Why?
980
00:59:08,520 --> 00:59:09,965
Hello, American?
981
00:59:10,520 --> 00:59:12,522
The rooms here are made of cement.
982
00:59:12,600 --> 00:59:14,250
Very good in case of an air raid.
983
00:59:14,360 --> 00:59:17,762
But for those of us trying to get a bit of rest
after an arduous crossing,
984
00:59:17,840 --> 00:59:19,524
a bit of an acoustic nightmare.
985
00:59:19,600 --> 00:59:22,410
So would you please stop
grunting like wildebeests
986
00:59:22,480 --> 00:59:25,768
and allow me to get some sleep, man?
Please! Please!
987
00:59:25,840 --> 00:59:28,411
Sorry, sir. We'll try and keep it down.
988
00:59:28,840 --> 00:59:32,003
Good God, Jock!
Put that thing away, man!
989
00:59:42,680 --> 00:59:43,681
Hello?
990
00:59:43,760 --> 00:59:47,924
Oh, apple of my eye.
The love of my life.
991
00:59:48,480 --> 00:59:51,211
Everything here makes me think of you.
992
00:59:51,520 --> 00:59:52,601
Who is this?
993
00:59:54,800 --> 00:59:57,326
It is I, your beloved.
994
00:59:57,400 --> 00:59:59,289
Your husband, Charlie.
995
00:59:59,360 --> 01:00:00,885
Where are you?
996
01:00:00,960 --> 01:00:04,123
Oh, a terribly vulgar place
called Los Angeles.
997
01:00:04,200 --> 01:00:06,646
Apparently located in the far West colonies.
998
01:00:06,720 --> 01:00:08,484
Well, what are you doing there?
999
01:00:08,560 --> 01:00:12,246
Well, I'm delivering the Rolls
to that grotesque Milton Krampf
1000
01:00:12,320 --> 01:00:15,290
and retrieving a certain
something in the process.
1001
01:00:15,360 --> 01:00:18,921
Stay away from Krampf's daughter.
She's a well-known nymphomaniac.
1002
01:00:19,360 --> 01:00:20,407
Is she?
1003
01:00:20,480 --> 01:00:22,084
How do you know such things?
1004
01:00:22,160 --> 01:00:24,811
Johanna, we seem to be out of ice.
Should I send for some?
1005
01:00:24,880 --> 01:00:26,041
It's my husband on the line.
1006
01:00:26,560 --> 01:00:29,689
Oh, is he still alive?
Has he got the painting yet?
1007
01:00:29,760 --> 01:00:30,807
Is that Martland?
1008
01:00:30,880 --> 01:00:32,803
I'll just be a moment, Alastair.
1009
01:00:32,880 --> 01:00:35,804
That Judas! That Ajax! That Paris!
1010
01:00:35,880 --> 01:00:37,120
Or was it Agamemnon?
1011
01:00:37,200 --> 01:00:38,281
Oh, you know who I mean.
1012
01:00:38,360 --> 01:00:40,169
That ghastly chap who stole Helen of Troy
1013
01:00:40,280 --> 01:00:42,567
and started all that
nasty business in Greece.
1014
01:00:46,560 --> 01:00:48,005
- Done!
-Finally!
1015
01:00:48,120 --> 01:00:52,728
Charlie? Why are people achieving climax
in your immediate vicinity?
1016
01:00:53,080 --> 01:00:57,847
Well, I think I'm staying in some
sort of cement brothel, my love.
1017
01:00:58,400 --> 01:00:59,606
Say that again.
1018
01:00:59,680 --> 01:01:01,842
You look here, I will have you know that
1019
01:01:01,920 --> 01:01:05,845
I too am capable of being desirable
to a certain type of woman!
1020
01:01:05,920 --> 01:01:07,001
Charlie!
1021
01:01:07,080 --> 01:01:08,320
Yes, oh, yes!
1022
01:01:08,400 --> 01:01:13,440
Some women go blind batting their lashes
for mustachioed men such as I!
1023
01:01:13,640 --> 01:01:17,122
Charlie Mortdecai, you are
on very dangerous ground!
1024
01:01:17,200 --> 01:01:19,646
Tell me the name of that
nympho daughter of Krampf's!
1025
01:01:19,720 --> 01:01:22,451
Perhaps she would render
an opinion on the issue!
1026
01:01:30,160 --> 01:01:33,448
Never mind. I've found a cold Latour
which we might enjoy...
1027
01:01:35,280 --> 01:01:36,406
Johanna?
1028
01:01:37,960 --> 01:01:39,041
Oh, balls.
1029
01:01:40,320 --> 01:01:44,962
Jock and I set off to deliver the Rolls
to my client, Milton Krampf,
1030
01:01:45,840 --> 01:01:48,730
ruthless billionaire, art collector,
1031
01:01:48,800 --> 01:01:52,168
and the rumored possessor of the lost Goya.
1032
01:01:53,160 --> 01:01:55,367
I was hot on the scent,
1033
01:01:55,480 --> 01:01:58,609
and a teensy bit curious
about his nympho daughter.
1034
01:02:06,480 --> 01:02:08,164
Yes... Right.
1035
01:02:09,000 --> 01:02:10,764
We must secure the painting,
1036
01:02:10,840 --> 01:02:12,729
escape this nightmare posthaste
1037
01:02:12,800 --> 01:02:14,723
and you should interrupt me
as soon as you can.
1038
01:02:14,800 --> 01:02:15,881
Yes, sir.
1039
01:02:21,880 --> 01:02:23,325
Lucky saddle.
1040
01:02:26,280 --> 01:02:27,281
Yes!
1041
01:02:27,360 --> 01:02:31,922
The fine, life-giving drinks tray
manifests itself.
1042
01:02:32,000 --> 01:02:33,365
A mint julep, sir.
1043
01:02:33,440 --> 01:02:35,488
Anything will do, I thank you.
1044
01:02:35,560 --> 01:02:36,721
I'm Georgina Krampf.
1045
01:02:37,640 --> 01:02:39,005
How do you do?
1046
01:02:45,080 --> 01:02:46,411
You must be Mortdecai.
1047
01:02:46,960 --> 01:02:50,248
Yes, indeed I am he.
1048
01:02:51,400 --> 01:02:53,846
Are you not having
a little something to drink?
1049
01:02:54,320 --> 01:02:55,526
No, I never drink alcohol.
1050
01:02:56,160 --> 01:02:57,730
I don't like to blunt my senses.
1051
01:02:58,040 --> 01:02:59,280
How awful.
1052
01:02:59,920 --> 01:03:01,206
Oh, I feel wonderful.
1053
01:03:03,360 --> 01:03:04,407
Feel me.
1054
01:03:05,760 --> 01:03:06,841
Feel?
1055
01:03:08,680 --> 01:03:09,602
Oh, yes.
1056
01:03:09,720 --> 01:03:11,802
No, not there, stupid. Here.
1057
01:03:16,520 --> 01:03:17,965
Charlie Mortdecai, you son-of-a-bitch...
1058
01:03:18,040 --> 01:03:20,520
I was not squeezing the breasts...
1059
01:03:23,200 --> 01:03:24,201
The Rolls.
1060
01:03:50,800 --> 01:03:52,325
So, I was a mule!
1061
01:03:52,400 --> 01:03:54,687
Right. You know, Bronwen called me
when she discovered the Goya,
1062
01:03:54,760 --> 01:03:57,331
and I called Spinoza,
and then he arranged for everything,
1063
01:03:57,400 --> 01:04:00,483
including the smuggling
of the painting in your Rolls.
1064
01:04:00,560 --> 01:04:02,528
Yes, but someone found out about the plan,
1065
01:04:02,600 --> 01:04:06,571
and now Bronwen is as stiff
as my Uncle Richard's hatband.
1066
01:04:06,640 --> 01:04:08,210
Art restoring is a nasty business.
1067
01:04:08,320 --> 01:04:09,731
You are a nasty business, sir.
1068
01:04:09,800 --> 01:04:12,007
Just look at her. Isn't she a beauty?
1069
01:04:12,080 --> 01:04:14,048
- Yes, she is.
-My God...
1070
01:04:14,680 --> 01:04:16,842
- She's exquisite.
-So good...
1071
01:04:16,920 --> 01:04:21,721
The expert brushstrokes, the smooth lines...
1072
01:04:21,800 --> 01:04:23,768
Doesn't she look like my mother?
Can you see a resemblance?
1073
01:04:24,600 --> 01:04:26,364
I never met your mother.
1074
01:04:26,440 --> 01:04:28,204
No, not in her, in me.
1075
01:04:28,280 --> 01:04:32,205
She's got prominent lips like me
and those far-searching eyes...
1076
01:04:32,760 --> 01:04:34,046
- Don't you think so?
-Oh, yes.
1077
01:04:34,120 --> 01:04:35,121
Do you mind?
1078
01:04:38,240 --> 01:04:42,689
I was just looking for something else.
1079
01:04:46,520 --> 01:04:47,601
Okay.
1080
01:04:47,920 --> 01:04:50,844
Branspath? Okay. Thank you so much.
1081
01:04:50,920 --> 01:04:52,922
- In my study, please.
-Very good, sir.
1082
01:04:53,000 --> 01:04:54,729
Thank you. No hard feelings.
1083
01:04:55,800 --> 01:04:58,883
I hope you'll stay with me tonight.
I'm throwing a party.
1084
01:04:58,960 --> 01:05:00,689
I'm gonna unveil the Duchess,
1085
01:05:00,760 --> 01:05:04,446
and watch every art world snob
in town drool all over her.
1086
01:05:05,120 --> 01:05:07,043
We'll have your things
sent over from the hotel.
1087
01:05:07,120 --> 01:05:09,168
Go upstairs and freshen up.
You smell like a horse!
1088
01:05:09,640 --> 01:05:10,766
And if you're quick about it,
1089
01:05:10,840 --> 01:05:13,923
you might have time to couple
with Georgina before dinner.
1090
01:05:14,000 --> 01:05:16,002
She's been through half the staff already.
1091
01:05:28,520 --> 01:05:30,363
Sir, you're staring into your liquor.
1092
01:05:31,680 --> 01:05:32,966
So I am.
1093
01:05:34,040 --> 01:05:37,840
Jock, I fear we are
in the eleventh hour, man.
1094
01:05:38,480 --> 01:05:43,247
Our very future rests on
getting our hands on that blasted painting.
1095
01:05:43,320 --> 01:05:47,086
And therefore it's imperative
that we devise a plan.
1096
01:05:47,160 --> 01:05:49,845
And it will have to be
a fiendishly clever plan.
1097
01:05:49,920 --> 01:05:51,126
Well, sir... I've been thinking...
1098
01:05:51,200 --> 01:05:53,282
And I mean dizzyingly complex,
1099
01:05:53,360 --> 01:05:55,567
replete with feints and distractions
1100
01:05:55,680 --> 01:05:59,605
and calibrated movements
of the Swiss watch type. What?
1101
01:05:59,680 --> 01:06:00,806
Thoughts?
1102
01:06:01,200 --> 01:06:03,931
During the party, we steal it
while no one's looking.
1103
01:06:07,040 --> 01:06:09,168
Ingenious. Once again?
1104
01:06:11,400 --> 01:06:14,165
You go down, get your face seen a bit...
1105
01:06:15,080 --> 01:06:16,491
Then you meet me 'round the back later,
1106
01:06:16,560 --> 01:06:18,210
we climb up the side of the building,
1107
01:06:18,280 --> 01:06:20,726
break through the window,
grab the painting.
1108
01:06:21,720 --> 01:06:23,404
Oh, diabolical.
1109
01:06:24,720 --> 01:06:26,961
Let's review it a few more times, shall we?
1110
01:06:27,040 --> 01:06:29,122
It's just the old smash-and-grab routine, sir.
1111
01:06:29,200 --> 01:06:30,326
Of course it is.
1112
01:06:30,400 --> 01:06:33,643
This is just the old
smash-and-grab business.
1113
01:06:33,760 --> 01:06:34,966
Smash-and-grab.
1114
01:06:35,440 --> 01:06:37,090
- Jock?
-Yes, sir?
1115
01:06:37,400 --> 01:06:38,845
I am so very proud of you.
1116
01:06:38,920 --> 01:06:39,967
Thank you, sir.
1117
01:06:40,040 --> 01:06:41,041
- And, Jock?
-Yes, sir?
1118
01:06:41,120 --> 01:06:42,690
You know, I've always
been rather fond of you.
1119
01:06:42,760 --> 01:06:43,807
Thank you, sir.
1120
01:06:43,880 --> 01:06:44,881
- Jock?
-Yup?
1121
01:06:44,960 --> 01:06:46,530
Will it be all right in the end?
1122
01:06:46,600 --> 01:06:48,250
How the fuck should I know?
1123
01:07:10,520 --> 01:07:12,045
Unremarkable.
1124
01:07:20,080 --> 01:07:23,721
Keep the Englishman busy.
I create distraction.
1125
01:07:23,800 --> 01:07:25,245
No problem.
1126
01:07:39,280 --> 01:07:40,281
Hi.
1127
01:07:42,800 --> 01:07:44,086
That's my bottom.
1128
01:07:44,480 --> 01:07:45,686
Dance with me.
1129
01:07:46,840 --> 01:07:48,205
Starburst!
1130
01:07:51,360 --> 01:07:52,725
So much! So much to look at!
1131
01:07:58,720 --> 01:07:59,767
Have me.
1132
01:07:59,840 --> 01:08:03,447
Oh, my dear, I'm so tired.
And so married and so tired.
1133
01:08:03,520 --> 01:08:05,249
And so married...
1134
01:08:05,320 --> 01:08:08,164
And I'm married and tired, you know.
1135
01:08:08,840 --> 01:08:10,001
LH.JusL“
1136
01:08:10,280 --> 01:08:11,327
Whoa!
1137
01:08:15,400 --> 01:08:16,447
Darling!
1138
01:08:17,400 --> 01:08:19,084
Whatever brings you here?
1139
01:08:19,160 --> 01:08:22,448
This is not a breast in my hand!
1140
01:08:23,200 --> 01:08:25,441
I was unhappy with our last conversation,
1141
01:08:25,520 --> 01:08:27,602
so I got on the next plane. Surprised?
1142
01:08:27,680 --> 01:08:29,921
Oh, pleasantly.
1143
01:08:30,880 --> 01:08:32,962
Aren't you going to introduce us?
1144
01:08:33,040 --> 01:08:36,283
Johanna, my dear,
this is Milton Krampf's nymph...
1145
01:08:36,920 --> 01:08:38,081
Daughter, Georgina.
1146
01:08:38,920 --> 01:08:43,767
And she was, well, we were having
a discussion about three...
1147
01:08:45,160 --> 01:08:47,367
Sometimes, you know, how it's like a...
1148
01:08:56,080 --> 01:08:58,367
My, my, look at the time!
1149
01:09:02,000 --> 01:09:03,081
Carry on!
1150
01:09:11,560 --> 01:09:13,130
A beast... A beast...
1151
01:09:18,400 --> 01:09:23,008
Yes, yes, yes. Good, hungry doggie...
1152
01:09:23,080 --> 01:09:28,723
Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie...
1153
01:09:39,600 --> 01:09:40,726
I met a beast...
1154
01:09:41,280 --> 01:09:42,725
Krampf's window is
the second one on the left.
1155
01:09:42,800 --> 01:09:44,404
No, no. I met a beast!
1156
01:09:44,480 --> 01:09:45,766
Get on that ladder!
1157
01:09:46,960 --> 01:09:50,885
And what, pray tell, might you be doing
whilst I'm engaged in thus heroics?
1158
01:09:51,760 --> 01:09:54,604
Beast! Beast! Beast...
1159
01:09:59,280 --> 01:10:02,966
Oh, how I long for the rain
and indifference of Europe.
1160
01:10:03,960 --> 01:10:05,086
Well done, Jock!
1161
01:10:05,680 --> 01:10:07,091
It's a privilege, sir!
1162
01:10:19,280 --> 01:10:23,001
Well then, Mr. Krampf.
I suppose since you're here
1163
01:10:23,080 --> 01:10:26,243
and I'm here,
it's time for you and I to talk turkey.
1164
01:10:37,480 --> 01:10:38,527
Oh, I see.
1165
01:10:43,000 --> 01:10:44,331
Oh, I see.
1166
01:10:46,480 --> 01:10:47,925
Bad news for you, Strago.
1167
01:10:48,480 --> 01:10:50,369
There are no bank codes on that painting.
1168
01:10:50,960 --> 01:10:53,645
I think we both know that there are.
1169
01:10:53,720 --> 01:10:55,131
Invisible ink, no?
1170
01:10:55,200 --> 01:10:56,326
Stop right there!
1171
01:10:57,480 --> 01:10:59,562
- Sit down. Sit!
-Sit.
1172
01:10:59,640 --> 01:11:00,971
I... I warn you, Georgina.
1173
01:11:01,040 --> 01:11:02,963
You have no idea what
you're getting involved with.
1174
01:11:03,040 --> 01:11:05,850
Despite his man purse,
Strago is very dangerous.
1175
01:11:05,920 --> 01:11:07,888
Darling, they are in cahoots.
1176
01:11:07,960 --> 01:11:09,883
How do you know?
1177
01:11:09,960 --> 01:11:11,405
Oh, that's gross!
1178
01:11:12,960 --> 01:11:14,041
We are in love.
1179
01:11:14,520 --> 01:11:15,681
Drop the gun!
1180
01:11:16,720 --> 01:11:17,767
Emil!
1181
01:11:18,040 --> 01:11:19,530
- Alastair!
-Do it now!
1182
01:11:27,320 --> 01:11:28,606
Good show, Martland!
1183
01:11:28,720 --> 01:11:30,290
Bit redundant, really, as he's dead.
1184
01:11:30,920 --> 01:11:32,649
Alastair, what are you doing here?
1185
01:11:32,720 --> 01:11:34,051
I followed you.
1186
01:11:34,120 --> 01:11:37,602
Wouldn't do to have you walking into
all this mess on your own, now, would it?
1187
01:11:37,680 --> 01:11:38,886
Jock, give me the painting.
1188
01:11:39,360 --> 01:11:41,249
- Sit down!
-Drop the knife!
1189
01:11:41,320 --> 01:11:42,367
I will shoot you.
1190
01:11:42,440 --> 01:11:44,204
Yes, most likely by accident.
1191
01:11:44,320 --> 01:11:46,129
None of you will ever know
what it's like to make love
1192
01:11:46,200 --> 01:11:47,440
to a man with principles.
1193
01:11:47,520 --> 01:11:50,000
Well, in my case,
I can safely say you are correct.
1194
01:11:50,080 --> 01:11:53,050
However, I never went to Eton,
where buggery is rampant.
1195
01:11:53,160 --> 01:11:54,730
Oh, you were at Eton,
weren't you, Martland?
1196
01:11:55,120 --> 01:11:56,360
Yes, yes, I was.
1197
01:11:56,680 --> 01:11:57,841
Yes, I was!
1198
01:12:10,000 --> 01:12:12,241
Please don't be sick!
Please don't be sick!
1199
01:12:12,920 --> 01:12:14,206
It's the shellfish!
1200
01:12:15,640 --> 01:12:16,687
- You have it?
-Go!
1201
01:12:16,760 --> 01:12:17,841
- Do you have it?
-Go!
1202
01:12:17,920 --> 01:12:19,604
'9°=l90,lgo!
1203
01:12:20,920 --> 01:12:21,921
Valet!
1204
01:12:22,920 --> 01:12:24,524
Oh, I don't like that. I don't like it.
1205
01:12:24,600 --> 01:12:25,726
- Close your eyes, sir.
-Right.
1206
01:12:25,800 --> 01:12:28,121
Give me the keys. Keys to the Rolls.
1207
01:12:28,200 --> 01:12:29,167
Come on, let's go.
1208
01:12:29,280 --> 01:12:31,248
Well, at least none of us had the shellfish.
1209
01:12:37,280 --> 01:12:38,611
Jock, please!
1210
01:12:39,920 --> 01:12:41,809
My sympathetic gag reflex.
1211
01:12:42,320 --> 01:12:44,288
Have you lost your bearings, man?
1212
01:12:44,560 --> 01:12:46,130
Shellfish at a catered affair?
1213
01:12:56,760 --> 01:12:58,205
And I will have you two know that
1214
01:12:58,280 --> 01:13:00,726
I had a firm grasp on things
before you showed up.
1215
01:13:00,800 --> 01:13:03,565
You certainly had
a firm grasp on something!
1216
01:13:03,640 --> 01:13:06,211
You dare to cast aspersions?
1217
01:13:06,280 --> 01:13:09,841
I am not the one entertaining at all hours
with a failed poet!
1218
01:13:18,320 --> 01:13:20,721
At least my focus at university
wasn't plagiarism!
1219
01:13:20,800 --> 01:13:21,801
Oh, stay out of it!
1220
01:13:26,400 --> 01:13:27,765
Oh, I've got a sensitive tummy!
1221
01:13:27,880 --> 01:13:29,882
There's more, there's more, there's more...
1222
01:13:29,960 --> 01:13:31,371
No more, no more, no more.
1223
01:13:31,440 --> 01:13:32,487
I swallowed it.
1224
01:13:34,680 --> 01:13:36,921
At least I have the good taste
to hide my indiscretions
1225
01:13:37,000 --> 01:13:38,889
and not parade them under everyone's nose!
1226
01:13:38,960 --> 01:13:40,644
So you admit there were indiscretions?
1227
01:13:40,720 --> 01:13:41,881
I admit nothing!
1228
01:13:41,960 --> 01:13:42,927
Then I deny nothing.
1229
01:13:43,000 --> 01:13:44,001
Oh, shut up!
1230
01:13:59,360 --> 01:14:01,966
Questionable attack, Jock. Spirited, though.
1231
01:14:03,000 --> 01:14:04,047
I'm done.
1232
01:14:38,920 --> 01:14:39,967
That's their car!
1233
01:14:40,040 --> 01:14:41,530
- Where?
-There!
1234
01:14:45,080 --> 01:14:49,802
Now we wait. Thirty seconds.
Twenty-nine... Twenty-eight...
1235
01:14:49,920 --> 01:14:50,967
Don't count.
1236
01:14:57,760 --> 01:14:59,649
Better out than in. All right...
1237
01:15:01,920 --> 01:15:03,843
I shall secure the perimeter.
1238
01:15:03,920 --> 01:15:06,730
Why, this is an outrage!
There's not an ocean vista
1239
01:15:06,800 --> 01:15:08,165
within miles of this establishment.
1240
01:15:08,240 --> 01:15:09,810
Please don't be tiresome. Jock!
1241
01:15:09,880 --> 01:15:13,123
Are you quite finished
with your barrage of insults?
1242
01:15:17,080 --> 01:15:21,051
Now we heat the surface,
reveal the codes and transfer the money.
1243
01:15:21,600 --> 01:15:22,886
Get the blowtorch.
1244
01:15:44,160 --> 01:15:45,924
Nobody make a move.
1245
01:15:46,000 --> 01:15:47,206
I really wouldn't, you know,
1246
01:15:47,280 --> 01:15:50,045
he's trained and sexually frustrated.
1247
01:15:50,120 --> 01:15:53,442
Those bank codes won't fall into
the wrong hands again.
1248
01:15:53,520 --> 01:15:55,010
Back away from the painting.
1249
01:15:55,080 --> 01:15:56,570
- Oh, don't do that!
-For heaven's sake.
1250
01:15:56,640 --> 01:15:57,641
For England!
1251
01:16:03,960 --> 01:16:05,325
Oh, dear.
1252
01:16:07,320 --> 01:16:08,651
- Everyone out!
-Okay.
1253
01:16:21,200 --> 01:16:24,204
The local authorities were displeased.
1254
01:16:24,280 --> 01:16:25,964
Strago and Georgina fled,
1255
01:16:26,040 --> 01:16:30,045
leaving the rest of us to answer
some rather pointed questions.
1256
01:16:30,120 --> 01:16:33,329
I recounted the sordid tale as best I could...
1257
01:16:33,560 --> 01:16:36,564
This may be a customary greeting
in America.
1258
01:16:36,640 --> 01:16:37,641
I don't know.
1259
01:16:38,200 --> 01:16:41,966
All the while,
my thoughts were only of home.
1260
01:16:42,040 --> 01:16:45,886
If indeed Johanna and I
still had a home to go to.
1261
01:16:55,040 --> 01:16:58,249
I'm not sure if Jock has mentioned it,
1262
01:16:58,320 --> 01:17:01,449
but I am very, very sorry about everything.
1263
01:17:02,400 --> 01:17:05,324
Darling? Please?
1264
01:17:10,920 --> 01:17:15,323
I suppose that we will have to
open the house to tours.
1265
01:17:16,400 --> 01:17:19,483
I'll have Jock fix up
the servants quarters for us.
1266
01:17:19,560 --> 01:17:24,043
Do you think that Jockie will stay on
without pay or lodging?
1267
01:17:24,720 --> 01:17:28,281
Don't be daft. This isn't finished yet.
1268
01:17:28,720 --> 01:17:30,563
That painting was a fake.
1269
01:17:30,920 --> 01:17:32,604
A fake? How do you know?
1270
01:17:32,680 --> 01:17:34,330
A chap called Bunny's
1271
01:17:34,400 --> 01:17:35,481
-got the real one.
-Bunny?
1272
01:17:35,560 --> 01:17:37,210
Bronwen lied from the start.
1273
01:17:37,520 --> 01:17:41,286
She never found the lost Goya.
She painted it.
1274
01:17:42,200 --> 01:17:43,201
Of course!
1275
01:17:43,600 --> 01:17:46,126
Bronwen makes a fake, and calls Krampf.
1276
01:17:46,640 --> 01:17:50,122
Am I interested? I'm wildly interested.
1277
01:17:50,360 --> 01:17:52,362
Krampf calls Spinoza.
1278
01:17:52,440 --> 01:17:55,523
Georgina finds out about it
and tells Emil, who goes to
1279
01:17:55,600 --> 01:17:57,489
steal the painting from Bronwen.
1280
01:17:57,560 --> 01:17:59,164
But Spinoza's already there.
1281
01:17:59,240 --> 01:18:02,323
He boffs Emil on the bean
and takes the painting.
1282
01:18:02,760 --> 01:18:06,048
Spinoza then secrets
the painting into the Rolls
1283
01:18:06,160 --> 01:18:09,642
and I unwittingly smuggle it to Krampf.
1284
01:18:10,200 --> 01:18:12,362
The Duke told me
that Bunny has the painting,
1285
01:18:12,440 --> 01:18:13,521
but I can't find him.
1286
01:18:13,600 --> 01:18:14,681
Which Duke?
1287
01:18:14,760 --> 01:18:17,127
Of Asherboroughdon. Bronwen's lover.
1288
01:18:17,960 --> 01:18:19,121
Bunny.
1289
01:18:19,640 --> 01:18:22,689
"Love, your Bunny!"
The note in the studio.
1290
01:18:22,800 --> 01:18:25,280
It was not from a child, it was from him.
1291
01:18:25,360 --> 01:18:27,169
The Duke is Bunny.
1292
01:18:28,440 --> 01:18:30,363
And it wasn't his tadger.
1293
01:18:30,640 --> 01:18:31,766
Come again?
1294
01:18:31,840 --> 01:18:34,286
The Duke kept trying to get me
to go into his lavatory
1295
01:18:34,360 --> 01:18:36,283
to look at his John Thomas.
1296
01:18:36,360 --> 01:18:37,361
Randy bugger.
1297
01:18:37,480 --> 01:18:39,005
Only that wasn't it at all!
1298
01:18:39,080 --> 01:18:40,809
He was trying to show me
the real painting.
1299
01:18:41,160 --> 01:18:43,970
The Duchess of Wellington
is in Bunny's loo.
1300
01:19:01,160 --> 01:19:02,650
_()h, my.
_()h, my.
1301
01:19:05,160 --> 01:19:06,571
Oh, my-
1302
01:19:06,640 --> 01:19:07,721
Oh, my!
1303
01:19:09,840 --> 01:19:11,330
_()h, my.
_()h, my.
1304
01:19:14,040 --> 01:19:17,044
Well, the water bailiff
won't bother him now.
1305
01:19:19,560 --> 01:19:21,528
Terribly sorry for your loss, madam.
1306
01:19:21,960 --> 01:19:23,166
How very kind.
1307
01:19:25,040 --> 01:19:27,691
Would you mind ever so much
if we used the lavatory?
1308
01:19:29,680 --> 01:19:30,841
It's this Way.
1309
01:19:37,560 --> 01:19:39,369
Oh, you beautiful breadwinner.
1310
01:19:41,400 --> 01:19:43,323
Darling, please, you are killing me.
1311
01:19:43,400 --> 01:19:44,561
Right.
1312
01:19:45,920 --> 01:19:47,081
Out the window with it?
1313
01:19:47,920 --> 01:19:49,046
Quite.
1314
01:19:50,520 --> 01:19:51,567
However...
1315
01:19:53,360 --> 01:19:56,728
I do have the slightest of queries.
1316
01:19:57,040 --> 01:19:58,201
What do we do next?
1317
01:20:00,000 --> 01:20:02,241
Because if Martland should get
his grubby hands on that painting,
1318
01:20:02,320 --> 01:20:04,448
he would destroy a magnificent work of art.
1319
01:20:04,520 --> 01:20:06,966
And we will be out a finder's fee.
1320
01:20:07,040 --> 01:20:08,963
If it falls into Strago's hands,
1321
01:20:09,040 --> 01:20:13,568
he will unleash his unpleasantness
to disastrous effect upon the world.
1322
01:20:14,120 --> 01:20:16,168
And if we try to sell it to Romanov,
1323
01:20:16,240 --> 01:20:18,686
he will kill us and simply take it instead.
1324
01:20:18,760 --> 01:20:22,685
And yet we must find a way to pay
eight million in back taxes.
1325
01:20:22,760 --> 01:20:26,560
Quite, quite, yes, indeed, quite.
1326
01:20:26,960 --> 01:20:28,405
Quite a conundrum, this.
1327
01:20:28,600 --> 01:20:30,887
I shall need a moment to think
this through, I'm afraid.
1328
01:20:30,960 --> 01:20:33,122
Yes, do. Do think.
1329
01:20:33,200 --> 01:20:36,409
Just bear in mind, I'm standing on a loo,
holding a dead man's Goya.
1330
01:20:37,800 --> 01:20:40,121
Our painting is entered
in Sedgwick's Friday auction,
1331
01:20:40,200 --> 01:20:41,247
is it not?
1332
01:20:41,720 --> 01:20:42,767
Yes.
1333
01:20:43,280 --> 01:20:44,406
Perfect.
1334
01:20:44,800 --> 01:20:47,201
We are going to enter the Goya
into the auction,
1335
01:20:47,320 --> 01:20:48,765
disguised as our Sheridan.
1336
01:20:49,280 --> 01:20:50,725
But it's already at Sedgwick's.
1337
01:20:50,800 --> 01:20:52,245
It's been authenticated.
1338
01:20:52,480 --> 01:20:53,811
We'll make a switch.
1339
01:20:54,440 --> 01:20:58,650
But first we must convince our buyers
that the Goya's back in play.
1340
01:20:58,920 --> 01:21:00,684
They won't take our word for it.
1341
01:21:00,760 --> 01:21:02,250
They'll want to see it themselves.
1342
01:21:02,320 --> 01:21:03,765
Then we'll show it to them.
1343
01:21:04,600 --> 01:21:09,367
What the situation requires now
is a well-spun rumor.
1344
01:21:09,440 --> 01:21:11,568
Sir Graham. A message for you, sir.
1345
01:21:14,240 --> 01:21:16,447
What is all this nonsense?
1346
01:21:17,120 --> 01:21:20,249
You know I'm not interested
in your flaccid Sheridan.
1347
01:21:20,760 --> 01:21:21,921
Darling?
1348
01:21:28,120 --> 01:21:29,167
Interested now?
1349
01:21:30,320 --> 01:21:31,481
Very.
1350
01:21:32,600 --> 01:21:34,568
But I watched it burn.
1351
01:21:34,640 --> 01:21:36,085
It's Mortdecai, sir.
1352
01:21:36,200 --> 01:21:38,089
Chatter is he's found
a dashedly clever way
1353
01:21:38,160 --> 01:21:39,764
to move it on the open market.
1354
01:21:41,480 --> 01:21:43,130
The auction starts at 5:00 p.m.
1355
01:21:43,200 --> 01:21:44,964
I want that painting.
1356
01:21:45,840 --> 01:21:47,126
The auction got it.
1357
01:21:48,880 --> 01:21:50,006
Good luck!
1358
01:22:01,520 --> 01:22:04,330
I believe he still owes me a finger.
1359
01:22:16,480 --> 01:22:18,369
- Hello, pookie.
-Hello, darling.
1360
01:22:18,520 --> 01:22:20,010
I nicked one of their passkeys.
1361
01:22:20,120 --> 01:22:21,451
Well done.
1362
01:22:21,520 --> 01:22:22,601
We're Lot Seven.
1363
01:22:22,680 --> 01:22:26,127
I shall need 30 seconds to make the switch
once it's announced. Do not delay.
1364
01:22:26,200 --> 01:22:28,043
I know this building like
the back of my hand.
1365
01:22:28,120 --> 01:22:30,009
You will have your time.
1366
01:22:31,280 --> 01:22:32,520
Good luck.
1367
01:22:49,000 --> 01:22:50,490
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
1368
01:22:50,560 --> 01:22:51,971
Welcome to Sedgwick's
1369
01:22:52,040 --> 01:22:56,841
Autumn Master's Sale.
We shall begin with Lot One.
1370
01:22:58,000 --> 01:23:00,480
Barnyard Friends.
A lovely Helen Allingham,
1371
01:23:00,560 --> 01:23:04,724
depicting two horses,
an ass, and several cocks.
1372
01:23:04,800 --> 01:23:06,768
There's a lovely sky here.
1373
01:23:06,840 --> 01:23:10,322
Shall we start the bidding
at 17,000 pounds?
1374
01:23:10,400 --> 01:23:12,641
Seventeen thousand pounds,
thank you very much.
1375
01:23:18,400 --> 01:23:20,880
Stealthy, man, stealthy.
1376
01:23:22,600 --> 01:23:24,364
Like a jungle cat.
1377
01:23:27,400 --> 01:23:29,971
Hello, Vladimir. So good
to see you out and about.
1378
01:23:30,040 --> 01:23:32,850
Tell us where painting is,
or you have big hole in your head.
1379
01:23:32,920 --> 01:23:34,729
You will have hole in your balls!
1380
01:23:37,040 --> 01:23:39,361
Why is Dmitri obsessed with testicula?
1381
01:23:44,400 --> 01:23:47,449
Your mother and father only met once.
1382
01:23:47,520 --> 01:23:49,045
And money changed hands.
1383
01:23:50,760 --> 01:23:52,524
Probably less than a 20.
1384
01:23:53,760 --> 01:23:56,684
And they say she was dressed
as a man at the time.
1385
01:23:57,240 --> 01:24:01,290
Iwouldn't, mate. I really wouldn't.
1386
01:24:02,120 --> 01:24:04,964
Sold to the gentleman
in the fuchsia ascot.
1387
01:24:05,280 --> 01:24:07,123
Moving on to Lot Two.
1388
01:24:07,440 --> 01:24:08,646
All right. There.
1389
01:24:08,920 --> 01:24:11,969
You won't be needing this anymore,
will you? Will you?
1390
01:24:16,920 --> 01:24:18,160
My God.
1391
01:24:19,600 --> 01:24:22,001
Oh, dash it all, Jock, man, your hand!
1392
01:24:23,320 --> 01:24:25,084
It's all right, sir, I've got another.
1393
01:24:25,160 --> 01:24:27,766
You know, remarkably,
this is not the first time I've shot Jock.
1394
01:24:27,840 --> 01:24:28,887
Sir, the switch.
1395
01:24:29,000 --> 01:24:30,445
The switch, sir.
1396
01:24:30,520 --> 01:24:31,601
Oh, quite right.
1397
01:24:31,680 --> 01:24:33,330
No time to dally.
1398
01:24:45,440 --> 01:24:47,124
I'll meet you inside, sir.
1399
01:24:47,800 --> 01:24:50,246
And we move on to Lot Four.
1400
01:24:50,320 --> 01:24:53,483
Fernand Just Quignon's Lavender Field.
1401
01:24:54,840 --> 01:24:56,001
Isn't it charming?
1402
01:25:22,880 --> 01:25:25,724
Thirty-five thousand pounds.
1403
01:25:28,160 --> 01:25:31,960
Forty thousand pounds?
Forty thousand? Forty-five, isn't it?
1404
01:25:32,040 --> 01:25:35,522
Forty-five, thank you, sir.
Forty-five, 50, back on the...
1405
01:25:41,680 --> 01:25:42,886
Give me the painting.
1406
01:25:50,040 --> 01:25:51,041
What painting?
1407
01:25:54,920 --> 01:25:58,561
I see that you have been schooled
in the fine art of fencing.
1408
01:26:00,440 --> 01:26:01,487
Alas,
1409
01:26:03,920 --> 01:26:05,046
so have I.
1410
01:26:06,520 --> 01:26:09,091
An essential part of
every gentleman's education.
1411
01:26:10,640 --> 01:26:13,291
And as a gentleman, I should warn you
1412
01:26:13,880 --> 01:26:16,201
that my coup d'arrét is still whispered about
1413
01:26:16,280 --> 01:26:18,647
in hushed tones to this very day.
1414
01:26:21,760 --> 01:26:24,047
I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it!
1415
01:26:26,440 --> 01:26:28,727
Twenty-five thousand pounds.
1416
01:26:38,120 --> 01:26:41,442
Lot Five. Smiling Woman in a Chair.
1417
01:26:54,120 --> 01:26:57,522
Sold for 210,000 pounds.
1418
01:27:01,960 --> 01:27:05,442
And now, moving on to Lot Six.
1419
01:27:32,840 --> 01:27:33,887
Oh, dear.
1420
01:27:43,960 --> 01:27:47,851
I would like to humbly
and unreservedly offer my deepest...
1421
01:27:50,480 --> 01:27:51,527
Truce?
1422
01:27:57,200 --> 01:28:00,044
Ladies and gentlemen,
if you would please remain calm.
1423
01:28:12,720 --> 01:28:16,202
Ladies and gentlemen, if you would please
remain in your seats, I would be grateful.
1424
01:28:26,200 --> 01:28:27,361
Where is Mortdecai?
1425
01:28:29,040 --> 01:28:30,565
Well, come on, then.
1426
01:28:54,120 --> 01:28:55,246
God.
1427
01:28:58,080 --> 01:29:02,688
Going on to Lot Seven. Colonel Blucher
1428
01:29:02,760 --> 01:29:05,445
-with Hounds near Twineham.
- But quietly. Quietly.
1429
01:29:06,720 --> 01:29:10,122
A lovely Sheridan offered by
the Mortdecai estate.
1430
01:29:10,240 --> 01:29:13,608
Shall we start the bidding
at 100,000 pounds?
1431
01:29:14,760 --> 01:29:16,922
One hundred thousand pounds.
Thank you, Sir Graham.
1432
01:29:18,760 --> 01:29:20,603
Fang wants finger.
1433
01:29:21,000 --> 01:29:23,241
Must go and bid.
Must go and bid. Must go and bid.
1434
01:29:26,720 --> 01:29:27,960
Where is Mortdecai?
1435
01:29:28,400 --> 01:29:29,606
Tell me.
1436
01:29:29,960 --> 01:29:32,964
He's not here, mate. He sent me.
1437
01:29:34,160 --> 01:29:35,400
Where is he?
1438
01:29:35,480 --> 01:29:37,482
It's just me, mate.
1439
01:29:38,120 --> 01:29:39,485
Oh, God!
1440
01:29:40,440 --> 01:29:42,522
Dear, sweet, heroic Jock.
1441
01:29:43,480 --> 01:29:45,562
Two hundred. Very good. Do we have three?
1442
01:29:45,640 --> 01:29:46,687
Three.
1443
01:29:47,160 --> 01:29:50,323
Yes, well, in future, if you
could please use your paddles.
1444
01:29:50,520 --> 01:29:53,490
I will take your finger.
1445
01:30:12,360 --> 01:30:17,526
I couldn't help overhearing
some discussion about your finger.
1446
01:30:18,000 --> 01:30:20,685
Oh, don't worry about that, sir,
I've got nine more.
1447
01:30:24,480 --> 01:30:26,960
I feel simply awful, man,
but I must get to the auction.
1448
01:30:27,160 --> 01:30:28,685
I'll be all right, sir.
1449
01:30:29,040 --> 01:30:30,530
We need eight million.
1450
01:30:32,680 --> 01:30:35,809
Now, can we go to 500?
Five hundred, ladies and gentlemen.
1451
01:30:35,880 --> 01:30:38,770
There he is. Now don't cause a panic.
Just get him.
1452
01:30:38,840 --> 01:30:42,162
Five hundred thousand.
1453
01:30:42,240 --> 01:30:43,287
Hold. Hold.
1454
01:30:43,360 --> 01:30:45,442
Thank you, madam, 500,000.
1455
01:30:45,520 --> 01:30:48,444
Do I have 600? Six hundred thousand
pounds, ladies and gentlemen.
1456
01:30:48,520 --> 01:30:50,090
- Bid.
-What?
1457
01:30:51,400 --> 01:30:53,801
A bid from Lady Mortdecai,
who seems to be
1458
01:30:53,880 --> 01:30:55,450
bidding on her own painting.
1459
01:30:55,520 --> 01:30:58,490
Just taking the horse for a trot
out to London and back, are we?
1460
01:30:58,560 --> 01:31:01,006
- Yeah.
-Very well. Six hundred then.
1461
01:31:01,400 --> 01:31:03,368
I'll make it up to you, Jockie.
1462
01:31:03,440 --> 01:31:05,727
Oh, I know you will, sir. You always do.
1463
01:31:29,960 --> 01:31:31,530
Well done, sir.
1464
01:31:34,960 --> 01:31:36,883
It is a privilege, Jock.
1465
01:31:38,200 --> 01:31:40,487
Are we all done at 900,000?
1466
01:31:41,280 --> 01:31:42,281
Go bid!
1467
01:31:43,360 --> 01:31:47,251
Fair warning at 900,000 pounds
1468
01:31:47,320 --> 01:31:48,685
from Sir Graham.
1469
01:31:50,080 --> 01:31:53,641
Last chance. And we are...
1470
01:31:53,720 --> 01:31:54,926
Darling.
1471
01:31:56,920 --> 01:31:58,604
Yes, Lord Mortdecai?
1472
01:31:58,920 --> 01:32:00,922
Would you also like to make a bid?
1473
01:32:02,280 --> 01:32:03,566
Ten million pounds.
1474
01:32:04,440 --> 01:32:07,489
Ten million pounds from
Lord Mortdecai himself.
1475
01:32:10,760 --> 01:32:11,807
Move!
1476
01:32:11,920 --> 01:32:14,446
- Come on!
-Twenty million, you swine!
1477
01:32:15,320 --> 01:32:16,606
Twenty-five million.
1478
01:32:16,920 --> 01:32:20,049
Twenty-five and a half!
Twenty-six and a quarter!
1479
01:32:20,120 --> 01:32:23,090
- Thirty million. Final offer!
-Is that our final bid?
1480
01:32:23,160 --> 01:32:26,846
Are we all done at 30 million pounds?
1481
01:32:28,280 --> 01:32:29,327
Sold.
1482
01:32:33,480 --> 01:32:36,689
There you are. Two thousand,
six hundred and forty-two pounds.
1483
01:32:38,760 --> 01:32:40,125
I do beg your pardon.
1484
01:32:41,120 --> 01:32:43,441
Maths were never my strong suit.
1485
01:32:43,520 --> 01:32:47,127
But there was mention of 30 million,
so you take that.
1486
01:32:47,480 --> 01:32:50,723
Less commission, carrying,
handling and transfer taxes,
1487
01:32:50,800 --> 01:32:53,280
left a total of just over eight million pounds.
1488
01:32:53,360 --> 01:32:55,886
Which I am sorry to report has been...
1489
01:32:55,960 --> 01:33:00,841
Garnished by Her Majesty's government
in settlement of your tax bill, Charlie.
1490
01:33:02,880 --> 01:33:05,850
Can you think of a good reason
why I shouldn't arrest you right now?
1491
01:33:07,320 --> 01:33:08,731
I eschew discomfort?
1492
01:33:10,000 --> 01:33:11,843
Any blame here should fall on me.
1493
01:33:12,960 --> 01:33:14,325
Dear Alastair,
1494
01:33:15,160 --> 01:33:17,242
if I led you to believe there
was anything between us,
1495
01:33:17,360 --> 01:33:21,046
it was merely to find out about the case
and protect my husband.
1496
01:33:21,120 --> 01:33:22,770
Can you forgive me?
1497
01:33:22,840 --> 01:33:24,046
Of course, Johanna.
1498
01:33:25,800 --> 01:33:27,006
Charlie?
1499
01:33:30,240 --> 01:33:32,607
It was a damned good try, old bean.
1500
01:33:37,560 --> 01:33:39,642
"Of all sad words of tongue or pen,
1501
01:33:40,200 --> 01:33:43,170
"the saddest are these,
'It might have been."'
1502
01:33:44,520 --> 01:33:46,010
Thank you, Maurice.
1503
01:33:56,240 --> 01:34:00,006
Poor Jock. He was frantic with worry.
1504
01:34:01,040 --> 01:34:04,442
But I knew everything
would be all right in the end.
1505
01:34:08,880 --> 01:34:10,564
Magnificent.
1506
01:34:13,120 --> 01:34:15,248
Do you think the codes are really there?
1507
01:34:15,680 --> 01:34:17,489
They most certainly are, darling.
1508
01:34:17,560 --> 01:34:19,881
And I gave them to the authorities.
1509
01:34:19,960 --> 01:34:21,849
Anonymously, of course.
1510
01:34:23,240 --> 01:34:25,481
We may be flat broke, my darling,
1511
01:34:25,560 --> 01:34:27,767
but we are not desperate.
1512
01:34:28,280 --> 01:34:31,727
I do hope Romanov doesn't come down
too hard on Sir Graham,
1513
01:34:31,800 --> 01:34:34,485
when he finds out
he bought the wrong fake.
1514
01:34:35,280 --> 01:34:36,611
Lights.
1515
01:34:43,320 --> 01:34:45,163
That is disappointing.
1516
01:34:45,840 --> 01:34:47,285
Very disappointing.
1517
01:34:47,840 --> 01:34:49,444
Open your balls.
1518
01:34:54,320 --> 01:34:55,367
Bollocks.
1519
01:34:56,760 --> 01:35:01,607
Now, tell me about that tramp on the horse.
1520
01:35:03,280 --> 01:35:04,406
Oh, my darling,
1521
01:35:04,480 --> 01:35:07,529
I tried desperately to be unfaithful to you,
1522
01:35:07,600 --> 01:35:09,170
I really did.
1523
01:35:10,120 --> 01:35:11,724
But I just couldn't do it.
1524
01:35:13,680 --> 01:35:16,047
It's a terrible moment
when you find yourself
1525
01:35:16,120 --> 01:35:18,851
falling in love with
your own spouse, isn't it?
1526
01:35:19,640 --> 01:35:24,123
Now, that is the look that softens
every bone in my body,
1527
01:35:24,800 --> 01:35:26,040
except one.
1528
01:35:28,120 --> 01:35:30,964
Do you mean you are ready?
1529
01:35:32,640 --> 01:35:34,642
I see no obstacle to such a course.
1530
01:35:38,400 --> 01:35:42,644
My love, surely you recall
I have already been circumcised.
1531
01:35:47,840 --> 01:35:49,046
Charlie?
1532
01:35:50,040 --> 01:35:53,089
Mrs. Mortdecai, as you well know,
1533
01:35:53,840 --> 01:35:57,162
I am a man of few words.
1534
01:35:59,360 --> 01:36:02,569
I deeply, deeply love
1535
01:36:04,520 --> 01:36:05,885
my moustache.
1536
01:36:08,360 --> 01:36:10,886
But I have discovered
1537
01:36:12,360 --> 01:36:13,850
that I love you
1538
01:36:15,600 --> 01:36:16,681
more.
1539
01:36:19,880 --> 01:36:20,961
Proceed.
1540
01:36:24,440 --> 01:36:26,602
Would you really do that for me?
1541
01:36:28,120 --> 01:36:33,160
For you, there is nothing I would not do.
1542
01:36:37,040 --> 01:36:39,520
Well, in that case, Mr. Mortdecai,
1543
01:36:40,480 --> 01:36:44,121
I should be very pleased
if you would keep it.
1544
01:36:45,080 --> 01:36:46,206
Really?
1545
01:36:47,040 --> 01:36:48,690
I mean...
1546
01:36:50,640 --> 01:36:51,926
Oh, darl...
1547
01:36:53,240 --> 01:36:54,890
Your gag reflex.
1548
01:36:55,800 --> 01:36:57,131
Try me.
1549
01:37:08,280 --> 01:37:09,486
Pookie.
1550
01:37:10,160 --> 01:37:12,208
I have never been so...