Gary?
Lucas?
What are you doing out here? Where is your stepfather?
That's it!
Time out, young man! Time out!
Gary! Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God, Gary! Are you okay? Say something. Please, say something.
I... want... a divorce!
Dude, I can't believe you're moving in with her.
I know, man.
But I'm all crazy up in her shit.
There ain't nothin' I can do.
Shit, man.
That's for real.
You're moving in with her?
Yes, I am.
In fact, I am all crazy up in her shit.
Damn, homeboy, lock it down.
- Gary! - Hey.
Hi.
Baby, but you're here. You're late.
I got worried that you got killed somehow.
Nope, I'm still alive.
Yo, yo, bad boy!
-Where you want this? -What's up, Dwayne?
-You guys can put that in the garage. -Got it.
Thanks. Thanks, guys.
-Made some friends, huh? -Yeah, those guys are great.
Hey, where's Lucas?
I got him a little somethin', wanna grease the wheels a bit.
You don't have to grease his wheels. He is gonna love you for you.
Yeah, yeah, no, I know that.
-So... where is he? -He's over on the swing.
Aw, there's my little buddy.
Y-You don't think the wedding was too traumatic for him, do you?
Well, it was awful.
The famous Jubilee Downhill Derby's coming up
and I thought Lucas and I could make our own cart.
What?
Gary, this is amazing!
Yeah, I always wished my dad was around to do this race with me.
Just a father and son shooting down the mountain as fast as we can,
no engine, no brakes.
You two are gonna have so much fun.
Isn't that right, Lucas?
-Come here. Come see what Gary got you. -Hey, buddy. Here. Check this out.
We can paint something really cool on the side, like a flame.
Whoa, look at that. You found some earthworms.
That's cool.
You know what those are good for is fishing.
We can, uh--
Don't get discouraged.
It's just gonna take him a little more time, that's all.
You know, Lucas is very... particular.
-No, I know he is. I love that about him. -Yeah.
You know, I'm sorry I didn't let you get to know him more.
I just-- I really wanted to be sure.
Well, you can be sure now.
- Gosh. - What? What?
I just--
This is what I always wanted, you know?
A family. A real family.
Me too.
I swear, I feel like the luckiest man alive.
Shh.
Don't say that. All right? It's not luck.
You're the one.
Come here.
The ice caps are melting. The seas are rising.
This past year, there's been a spike in global temperature
that even scientists cannot explain.
Some people believe the prophecy of the end
is becoming all too real,
and the end times could be near.
Hope you like chocolate chip pancakes with smiley faces.
...tell us how the end will come. Reverend Gospel, thanks for coming.
Thank you for having me.
Hey, Gary, um, I'm meeting with a C-L-O-W-N today,
and I was hoping that maybe you could take Lucas to school.
You're meeting with a clown?
Gary, I don't want him to know.
Oh, for Lucas' birthday?
-Sorry. Got it. -Tell us about your prediction.
Sure, Russ.
We've made some calculations
and we are now quite certain that the end will come
at six p.m. on the sixth of June.
-What are you watching? -Uh, that's the morning news.
Ratings must really be in the, uh, S-H-I-T-T-E-R.
The shitter. Sorry.
The beginning of the end.
Hey, you don't have to call me Dad if you don't want to, you know.
You can call me, uh... Gary.
Awesome Gary.
Super-Gar. Whatever. No presh.
Oh, and if you want to sign up for baseball,
like, I'd totally be your coach, or whatever.
If you're-- I mean, I was a pretty serious baseball player when I was a kid.
So, if you just want to toss the old ball around,
anytime, I'm-- I'm in.
- This is Gary. - Hi, Gary.
This is your wedding videographer Karl.
Karl. Hi. Yes. I've been meaning to call you.
No, I figured you guys needed some time after everything.
Listen, Samantha and I really appreciate you doing everything you did
under the conditions and all, but, uh...
I think we're gonna have to pass on the video.
I really think that you need to see something.
We both decided it's better to move on. So, if you could destroy the tapes...
Mr. Bloom, there's something very unusual--
We know it's unusual, Karl,
but we're gonna keep our eyes on the road ahead,
not dwell on the past, all right?
-I think you need to-- Mr. Bloom-- -Thanks for the call.
All right.
Here we are.
You want me to walk you in?
Good talking to you, buddy!
Shit, man. Hey, bro.
-Hey, Al. -What's up?
I heard about the wedding, man. That sucks.
It sounds horrible. I'm so glad I didn't come.
Hey, thanks for your gift, though.
We were really hoping for a ceramic Woody Woodpecker statuette.
-You like that thing? -Oh, yeah.
Oh, that means a lot.
It's got some serious sentimental value, bro.
You know, I smuggled a half kilo of Oaxacan sensimilla in that thing.
Wow. That's, uh... ambitious.
I smoked it all in, like, three weeks, too, man.
I hear you joined the ranks.
The, um... I'm sorry?
Yeah, you're a stepdad now, man. Sucks, bro. Welcome to the club.
Oh, you're a step--
-Dad. -Dad?
-Yeah, man. -Right.
I'm in therapy, too. Big time.
You could come if you want. It's a group thing.
-It's chill. -Come with you to...
-your therapy? -Therapy. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
No, I really don't want to.
Okay, man. Suit yourself. Whatever feels good.
What you workin' on?
-Oh, nothin'. -Oh, you got a mark?
Well, it's not a mark exactly. It's a client.
Somebody wants to buy that freaky old nunnery, man?
No way!
You think they're gonna make it into a sex dungeon or something?
-A sex dungeon? -Mm-hmm.
-This is Gary. -Give it to me, you dirty little nun.
-Wow, that was fast. -Give it to me, you dirty little nun.
-Yeah, it's still available. Today? -What's up, man?
-Pay that rent! -That's great.
-I will see you there. Thanks. -Pay that rent! Pay it!
Sorry I'm late.
I'm Gary Bloom.
You are forgiven. I'm Reverend JD Gospel.
Yeah, from, uh, from TV. I just saw you this morning.
Oh, yes. The press does love their doom and gloom.
Good point. Shall we have a look inside?
Please.
One sec here.
There's plenty of room. Do you have a large family, Mr. Gospel?
Yes. Yes, I do.
Well, uh, they kick off their shoes here,
and I'm sure they'll enjoy the fifteen extra rooms.
There's a chapel.
There's a basement that can be turned into a game room or a man-cave.
I just love the smell of an old-fashioned nunnery. Don't you?
Yeah.
May I see the chapel?
Sure. Yeah. Right this way.
Yeah, I mean, as you can see, it's a bit of a fixer-upper,
but you know, with the right touch...
Oh...
What is your best offer?
The best offer?
Mm-hmm.
Just, you know...
There's another couple who's very interested.
You're kidding me? Who?
This very wealthy couple. Just, like, dot-com money.
Always wanted to retire in a nunnery. Same old story.
-I shouldn't even be showing it to you. -I'll beat their price.
Whatever they're offering, I'll offer more.
Really?
The end is coming, Gary.
Blood will rain, and crows will darken the sky,
the oceans will boil over.
Money truly is no object.
Well, that's fantastic.
I mean, not the blood boiling and the sky and stuff,
but that you want to buy it.
That's-- I'm sorry. Uh, just one second.
Hey, hon.
What kind of trouble?
Oh, poor little buddy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can make it down there right now.
Okay. Yeah, yeah. Love you, too.
Sorry. My stepson got into a little trouble at school,
probably just throwing spitballs.
Ah, the Lord will never give you more than you can handle.
-Got it. -So, it's a deal then?
Yeah, absolutely. We have a deal.
Hi. Um...
I'm here to pick up my stepson.
Lucas? Are you okay?
What happened?
You're Lucas' father?
Yeah. Or, I mean, I'm his stepfather.
Please come in.
It's okay, buddy.
-Have a seat, Mr... -Uh, you can call me Gary.
Uh, Mr. Gary, I'm Principal Chandler,
and this is school psychiatrist, Dr. Farrow.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
How long have you been the child's stepfather?
Well, his mother and I just recently got married.
Mm-hmm.
Mr. Gary, have you noticed any odd behavior from Lucas?
No. I mean, he's been a little withdrawn since the wedding.
Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry. W-Why do you keep "mm-hmm-ing"?
Mr. Gary, do you believe in corporal punishment?
No.
Were you neglected as a child?
No.
Not entirely.
M-Maybe a little.
What was your relationship with your own father?
-I didn't know my father. -I see.
Do you mind telling me what this is all about? What did Lucas do?
I'm afraid he spoke out of turn in class.
Well, this is quite the response.
He told his science teacher Mrs. Deeter to go to hell.
Oh. Okay. Well, yeah, that is pretty bad.
Then she poured lye on her face
and hucked herself out of a third story window.
Speared herself on the fence outside.
Now, we're not blaming Lucas,
but we've gone through his file,
and he seems to have a habit of pushing people over the edge.
We're gonna have to suspend him for a week.
-Are you sure that's necessary? -I'm afraid so.
And we want him to see a counselor.
I'm gonna recommend group therapy for you as well.
Somewhere where you can work out some of your own father issues.
Honestly, I don't have any father issues.
You can work that out in group.
Oh, my God.
That's terrible.
I know. It's really tragic.
The way they're paying teachers, I'm really not surprised.
I just can't imagine what she must have been going through.
Shoot. I just--
I was hoping that Lucas would make some new friends in this school,
and now nobody's gonna come to his birthday party.
I'm not sure that should be your biggest concern, hon.
I met with a clown today, Gary. A clown.
Do you know how hard it is to have a conversation
with a fully-grown man in a clown suit?
Okay. I'm sorry, I forgot about that. How did that go?
Terribly. He's double-booked on Saturday, and he can't do it.
It doesn't matter now. I'll just call his birthday off.
I'm sure people will still come.
And I can help you find another clown if it means that much.
It's not fair that they singled out Lucas.
If she's that fragile, then she shouldn't be teaching, right?
-Did you tell them that? -No, I tried, but--
They were really focused on the fact that I'm sort of a new figure in the house,
and they were acting like it was my fault.
They were?
Yeah, and they want me to see a therapist. Isn't that weird?
What, you think I should?
I just-- I mean...
you're not exactly having the easiest time communicating with him.
But this isn't about me, Sam.
This is about Lucas. What if there's something wrong with him?
There is nothing wrong with Lucas!
Damn it! Why is everything always blamed on the child?
Hey, honey.
I am sorry.
It's just not fair, you know. I mean, he's already been through so much.
He's a good kid, Gary.
He just-- He needs a positive male role model.
And every time I think I found the perfect guy...
he winds up turning against him and going crazy or...
dying in a horrible mulching accident.
What? Hey. Hey, come here.
I am so sorry, honey. I didn't know that.
He just-- He can't deal with any more rejection, Gary.
All right? You... you have to be on his side.
-I am on his side. -You're just saying that.
I'm not.
Sam, I love you.
Okay? And I didn't just make a commitment to you.
I made a commitment to him.
Do you understand?
Now, I'm gonna go up there and have a heart-to-heart with him.
-I'm gonna turn this into a bonding thing. -Okay.
Okay.
Hey, Gary?
You're gonna be a great dad.
Oh, shit.
Hey, Lucas? Can I come in?
Hey, pal. How are you feeling?
Is the cable out, or...?
Well, TV sucks anyway.
It's kinda cool to just use your imagination, right?
Okay, um...
Listen, Lucas, I'm sure it seems like we've been moving really fast,
but I'm your stepfather now--
Get out!
Yeah, okay. We'll just talk later.
Or whenever you want.
Okay?
How'd it go?
Oh. Uh, he just told me he wanted some alone time through his, uh...
goat puppet.
Oh, yeah. That's his friend Reeroy.
- Reeroy. - He loves playing with him.
Good.
I'll just let him have a little Reeroy time then
and check in with him later.
Okay.
You know what pisses me off?
Kids nowadays, they don't even know what's rad when they see it now.
When I was that age,
all I wanted was a '72 Chevrolet, El Camino Monster Truck,
mounted on top of some 66-inch Goodyear tires...
with an alcohol fuel injected turbo engine.
-Preach. -Yep.
And now that I got one, I got a stepkid,
and all he wants to do is watch Pitch Perfect.
Pitch Perfect One, Pitch Perfect Two, Pitch Perfect Three.
-Shit. -Yeah.
"Jam" me man. Let's put on some Rush.
Put your hand on a speaker, your hand on your heart, see if you feel something.
I said, "What are you feeling?"
He said, "Nothing."
I said, "That's America." He didn't get it.
So, that's kind of where I'm at right now.
Thank you for sharing, Al.
-Good job. -Nice work.
Okay, we've got a new guy. Everybody, please welcome Gary.
-Hi, Jerry. -All right, Gary.
-Welcome, man. -Let's go, Gar!
Gary, can you share a little about what you're going through?
Oh. Uh, no, thank you. I'm just here to watch.
No, you're not here to watch.
-You're here to participate. -This is a safe space, bro.
- Okay, all right. - You got this, man.
Okay, um...
Well, my wife and I just recently got married.
And you know, I'm having a little tiny bit of trouble
bonding with my new stepson Lucas.
And how old is he?
He's about to turn six.
Yeah, we're actually having a party for him on Saturday.
His real birthday's next Wednesday.
Ah, that's a great age. He's still very malleable.
And how is it with his mother?
Oh, uh, it's going great there.
I mean, she's just amazing in so many ways.
Blowjobs.
But the fact that you don't get along with her son
is putting a strain on the marriage?
No. Not really.
It will. The mom's always gonna side with the son.
Can you tell us a little more about Lucas?
Well, um...
He never really looks me in the eye.
Doesn't talk much,
uh, except when he tells his teachers to go to hell
or yells at me to get out of his room using this, uh...
weird little goat puppet thing.
And I-I just-- I get this sense that he's...
That he's evil incarnate?
Yeah.
Well, you're lucky, man. I got girls. Twins.
And they wake up every morning literally plotting ways to torture me.
This morning, they replaced my toothpaste with my wife's Vagisil.
-Really? -Yeah.
Vagisil. That ain't shit.
Yesterday, my stepson asked me when I was gonna die.
I told him, "Listen, I don't know that. I...
That's up to God."
He said, "Well, when God does take you, can I have your van?"
He's five.
-Well, at least he likes trucks. -Fuck that, dude.
-Jeremy pissed on my khakis. -My kid's worse.
My son shit in my sock drawer!
-I stand corrected. -It's the top drawer.
So, he blamed it on the cat,
but I know it wasn't the cat because there were Jujubes in the shit,
after I looked in it. You want to talk about malleable?
And that means that he crawled up onto the fucking dresser,
turned around, grabbed onto the mirror, and then fucking opened the top drawer,
and then shit into the top drawer.
In the mirror, he was looking at himself knowing what he was doing,
shitting in my sock drawer.
And if you think I won't shit in his backpack now,
you got another thing coming.
-Wayne. -I have it in the trunk.
I'm not saying we all have to do it, but...
-I'm gonna pencil you in for twice a week. -Thanks.
And as for you, Gary,
birthdays are a very special time for kids.
If you step up on this, it could be a great breakthrough for both of you.
-Oh. -How we doing there?
Honestly, it's like Lord of the Flies. It's really cool.
-Everybody good? -Hey.
Great? Good? Okay.
-Honey, this is amazing. -Yeah?
-Thank you so much for helping out. -Yeah.
-Where did you find the clown? -I have my connections.
Hey, do you think Lucas is enjoying himself?
-Yeah. -Yeah?
Yeah, of course he is.
Oh, hey, Gar Bear, think fast!
-Hey, Al. -Nice catch, buddy.
Thanks.
-This is a great party you got going here. -Thank you.
Do you guys know my wife Wendy?
-Hi. -Hi, nice to meet you.
-You, too. -I'm Samantha, this is Gary.
-And is that your boy Lucas? -Yeah.
-Birthday boy. -He's so cute.
- Thanks. - You want another drink?
I make a killer Mantini, bro.
Come on! Let's go get gross.
-Okay. -Go, have fun.
-Cheers. Mm-hmm. -We're doin' it.
-Ah. -His real dad is a total fucking loser.
Sits at home all day long, smoking pot just to keep himself from freaking out.
That's no way to raise a kid. You gotta stay sharp.
We gotta be ready at a moment's call. You never know what's gonna happen.
-We're kinda like first responders. -That's real.
Here's to getting hammered and staying sharp.
-All right. -Cheers, brothers.
Dude, where did you find this clown?
- Your clown's kinda blowing it, bro. - Oh, he was supposed to be good.
So what's up with Lucas' real dad? You have to deal with him much?
No, actually, Samantha doesn't even like talking about him.
Consider yourself lucky. I hate taking the kids to their real dad's house.
They come home with stories like, "Oh, my God, he's so awesome.
He let us play Minecraft for, like, 17 hours straight!"
Then I got to deal with their rage, you know?
If I were you, I'd find out about the kid's dad,
because that DNA stuff can be really wicked.
You gotta find out if he's got DNA, dude.
-No, we all have DNA, guys, so... -I'm not sure we do.
- I thought it was VNA-- - No, DNA.
- I guess-- - It's your genes.
- The kid has it. - He's definitely got it.
No, it's not a disease.
- It's actually-- no, we all have DNA. - You don't want it--
I do?
Never mind. That clown is fucking awesome!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa! -Oh.
Oh, shit.
Oh.
-It couldn't have worked out better. -Yeah. Is that part of his act?
That's not safe.
I am so, so sorry about all this.
You know what? Here's a little something extra for you.
I am so sorry.
The child...
he did this to me.
He made me do it.
He made me!
Tammy, Wanda, come on!
Hey, Gar. Great party. Thanks for raising the bar.
Now all the kids are gonna want a burning clown for their birthday.
- Yeah, who's there? - Oh, hi, it's Gary Bloom from the wedding.
Did you come alone?
-Yeah, I came alone. -Were you followed?
No.
Come on up. Third floor.
Hello?
Karl?
Hello?
Huh. Oh, my...
Gary, thank you for coming. I need you to see this.
Check out this shot right here.
It's amazing, right?
The way the sunlight bangs up against the lens like that.
Yeah. Sorry. W-Why is the camera, like, swinging all over the place?
Were you not able to afford a tripod with the money we gave you?
A tripod?
Yeah.
Well, let me ask you something. Did, uh, Scorsese ever use a tripod?
Fellini? Cassavetes?
I don't know. This isn't Goodfellas, this is our wedding video.
Jeez. Thank you very much, Leonard Maltin,
your review will be taken into very serious consideration.
I gotta ask you something.
Did your film win "Best Short Doc" at the Orinda Film Festival last year?
-My-- -Did it?
-No. -Because mine did.
-Okay. -That's correct.
Anyway, I think we have bigger fish to fry here
than your apparent lack of knowledge about cinema.
-Don't you? -Sure.
See, I thought that it was strange when the preacher at your wedding
started speaking in tongues.
Oh, sorry, no. That was Latin.
No, no, no. I thought it was Latin, too,
because I have a keen ear for language as a filmmaker,
but I put those words into Google Translations, and nothing.
What?
No known language. And that's Google, man.
You have to listen. Listen carefully. Open your ears.
It does not sound like Latin.
So, I slowed down the footage.
And I played it in reverse.
Do you vow to protect the child
- come hellfire or brimstone?
Okay, why are you playing my wedding video in reverse?
I think the more important question here is why is the preacher at your wedding
asking you to vow to protect the child in reverse?
Yeah, that's a little odd, too.
You bet your ass it's odd.
When the tornado struck at your wedding, I thought that was really rotten luck,
but the more I thought about it, the more I realized,
it wasn't chance that ruined your wedding.
-It was Satan. -Okay, um, I think I'm gonna get--
No, no, no, no! Gary, hold on! Wait! Wait! Just watch, watch this!
Watch, watch.
Run! Run for your lives!
Oh, my God, Uncle Scott. I didn't even know he made it.
Oh.
No, no, pay him no mind.
What you need to be paying attention to is right there in the background.
Those winds were hitting at 150 miles per hour,
yet not one hair on his head is moving.
Why?
He's wearing a lot of hair gel?
There's a barn being ripped to shreds directly behind him in frame,
and look at him.
That is not normal.
Does that seem normal to you?
I did some research,
because I fucking love researching things.
Here it is.
There is a religious group, or a doomsday cult, what have you.
They believe a child will rise up from hell,
to rule mankind, and to bring on the end of the world as we know it.
I think we found that child.
He has risen from the bowels of hell.
And now...
you're his stepdad.
You...
I know.
You need to...
...to use your tripod.
No. It's fucking cinema verité, man!
-I think we're gonna pass. -No, no! Wait, wait!
Everyone your wife ever dated is dead!
Look at this. Look, look.
A lightning strike?
A heart attack at 32?
A freak mulching accident.
Wait, what did you just say?
They're all dead. All of them.
All except for one.
Gabriel Winthorp.
I found his address on the Internet.
Okay.
We need to go talk to him.
You think about it, Gary. You call me when you come to your senses.
I have all the equipment all read-- We can use the tripod, Gar!
Hey!
Hey, buddy, what's up?
What are-- What are you doing? Y-You just... Coloring in the dark there?
Cool.
Isn't it, uh...
past your bedtime?
You want me to turn off the light, or...
Yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much, Wendy.
I really appreciate it.
Okay.
I know. I know.
I hope Jeremy's nightmares aren't too bad tonight, too.
Okay. I know. Yeah, okay.
I'll see you then. Bye-bye.
Child Protective Services called.
What?
Apparently, they had calls from parents
saying that we had a dangerous clown at our party.
Their children are gonna be in therapy for the rest of their lives.
-Gary, where did you find that clown? -On the internet. I don't know.
Sweetie, you can't just pick any clown off the internet.
You're a parent now.
You have to hope for the best, but you prepare for the worst.
That's a good point, hon. I'm gonna stick to that from now on.
-Oh, man. -They're sending someone here.
Tomorrow.
Wendy said she would come, and she would help support.
But, Gary, you need to be there too, okay?
-Sweetie? -Yeah, yeah, I'll be there.
Really, Gary?
Yeah.
I will be there.
You know, today I met with our wedding videographer.
Mm... God, I thought we agreed we weren't gonna relive that.
Yeah, no, I know, but... I wanted to see if we could salvage it.
-And? -We can't.
Okay, do you remember the preacher when he started speaking Latin?
Mm, such a romantic language.
Yeah, well, as it turns out, he wasn't speaking Latin,
he was speaking in English... backwards.
Okay, Gar. W-What was he saying?
He made me vow to protect the child come hellfire or brimstone.
-I'm serious, Sam. -Well, at least he made a good point.
In reverse. Why would he make his point in reverse?
I don't know, Gary. I'm sure people make points in reverse all the time.
I'm pretty sure they don't.
I mean, maybe Ozzy Osbourne, but that's it.
So, Gar, w-what are you saying?
I don't know. I'm just sort of...
Look, I'm wondering again about Lucas' biological father.
What does that have to do with anything? You're his father now.
Well, yeah...
I told you parenting would be hard, and...
-you said you were up for it. -I did. I did say that.
See, so you just need to take all this stress
and crumple it in a little ball and throw it away.
-Maybe you're right. -Of course, I'm right.
I mean, why don't you just get out of these?
And I will give you a massage,
and I will take it from there.
Shouldn't we put Lucas to bed?
I tucked him in an hour ago.
Oh, man, that feels so good.
Mmm.
Baby, listen, I know that we're an unconventional family.
I mean, we're not totally normal.
And the way Lucas was conceived wasn't exactly ideal.
But at least we're together, right?
Yeah, yeah.
I agree 100%.
Hey, r-remind me again how Lucas was conceived.
-Promise you won't judge? -No, of course not.
Oh, man, that's the spot right there.
Okay.
Well, you remember when I told you about that crazy time in my 20s,
where I dropped out of school, and then I joined that sort of like...
like cult.
Uh, no, I don't think you told me about that.
Well, I guess they were pretty shocked to find out that I was a virgin, still,
and so, they threw this huge ceremony for me,
where they all got dressed up in these long, flowy black robes,
and they wore these elaborate masks.
And there were all kinds of herbs.
Lots of herbs.
Okay...
Anyway, they were chanting, and then they put me in this star,
and they covered me in this warm, red body paint.
And then?
I-- I don't really know. I...
must have blacked out 'cause I had this terrible nightmare.
But when I woke up, I left, and I never looked back.
What? Oh, do--
-No-- -I told you it wasn't ideal.
-You said you wouldn't judge! -I'm not judging.
I'm just saying maybe this is the sort of thing we'd talk about
before we get married.
I was young, and maybe I was a little naive, right?
But, Gar, I wouldn't change anything even if I could because now I have...
Lucas! Hi, honey.
-Hey, buddy. -Are you okay, honey?
Are you still upset about that clown Gary hired? Yeah?
You want to sleep with us tonight?
Um, don't you think... Never mind. Come on in, buddy.
Let's have a sleepover.
All right, snuggle up.
Get cozy. And no burning clowns in your dreams.
Tomorrow's a new day.
She said he was conceived out of a nightmare
during some satanic cult ritual.
She was young and needed the money. Doesn't mean anything.
What about the clown? You think that was normal?
No, no, that was definitely an unusual clown.
Okay, well, this is gonna sound nuts,
but I think there's a chance that maybe he caused the tornado at my wedding.
-Who, the clown? -No, dude. Lucas.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, that freaky little kid definitely caused a tornado at the party.
Al, listen to me. I had worms coming out of my nose last night.
Jesus! That's, like, a serious hygiene issue, man.
-Maybe it was a dream. -Still, you should get that looked at.
This must be it.
Are you sure you want to do this, man?
I hate meeting my wife's exes.
Hey.
Hey, yo. Excuse me.
-Hey. -Hi.
She has begun to cry tears of blood.
Is that right?
We're looking for a guy named Gabriel. Do you know him?
Gabriel cannot be disturbed.
Okay, well...
He used to know my wife.
I just have a few questions for him,
mostly about my weird little stepson Lucas.
Follow me. Speak no words.
-Okay. -No problem.
Gabriel!
You have guests.
Um...
Hey. Hi, I'm Gary.
Um... This is my friend, Al.
And, uh, you know, we're, well, we're stepdads.
Get to the point.
Okay. Uh...
I think maybe you used to know, um...
my wife Samantha and my little stepson Lucas.
God forgive me for I have sinned!
Would you stop with the flagellating?
This is why I'm happy we're in therapy.
This is what happens when you don't talk stuff out.
The end is near.
Oh, Lord, please do not blame me for what cannot be stopped!
I think maybe we should just go.
You must travel to the old marketplace in the city of Bethlehem.
Seek out the demon hunter Gozamel.
Only he can help you now.
Bethlehem?
"And they that dwell upon the Earth did wonder seeing the beast,
that it was a thing,
and is not, and yet now is!"
I'm not following...
Revelation, chapter 17.
The child.
He is the Antichrist!
Okay.
Okay, thanks.
And, uh, thank you for welcoming us into your beautiful home.
And, uh, we're gonna let you get back to your stuff...
you know.
Let's go.
I gotta tell you, man, I'm feeling so much better about Jeremy right now.
He's a spoiled little shit, but at least he's not the fucking Antichrist.
Seriously?
Seriously.
Wasn't there, like, a sign or anything when you were dating?
No, I mean, it all moved so fast.
I figured he'd warm up to me at some point.
You must have had some indication that kid is, like, pure fucking evil?
Yeah, Al, all the time.
But you told me that was normal, that all kids are dicks.
That's true, kids are dicks, man. But this is a different level.
He's like top of the dick chain, bro.
- Breaking news... - Two more, please.
-Jane Hernandez is on scene where... -You could get a divorce.
No, I don't want a divorce, Al.
Okay? Samantha's perfect. She's everything I ever wanted.
She comes with some hefty baggage.
-Al, it is not an option! -Okay.
Wanda, what do you see there?
End of world followers of infamous cult leader JD Gospel,
have begun stocking up on canned goods, rice, beans...
-That's the guy that bought the nunnery. -When is the end actually coming?
Hey, I think maybe we should go find this guy Gozamel.
Maybe he could help us out.
Look, I don't know if I told you this, but I'm coaching Jeremy's baseball team,
so for me getting to Bethlehem, Israel, is a little out of the question.
-Just right now is not a good time. -I get it.
-Not a good time. -There you have it.
I'm Jane Hernandez, reporting live from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.
Next up, cremation or burial?
Excuse me. Um, we're looking for a guy named Gozamel.
-He's busy. -Oh, that's great. He's here.
-Um, we really need to see him. -Yeah, we're on a mission from God.
Gozamel to cashier. Gozamel to cashier.
Um, Gozamel?
I'm Gozamel. You guys were looking for me?
So, what makes you think your stepson is the spawn of Satan?
- Well, he's just this really weird kid. - Super weird, dude.
And he has these beady little eyes that, like, bore into your soul.
Very beady little eyes.
He manipulates people into doing stuff they don't want to do.
Jumping out of buildings, lighting themselves on fire...
And talking backwards.
Sounds like your average devil child to me.
This is me.
-When's his birthday? -We just had his birthday party.
But his real birthday is the sixth of June.
-How old is he turning? -Six.
Oh, shit, it's him. It's him!
- No, I've got it. - You want some help?
-Oh, that's not... -You're gonna crush those buns!
I got it!
Whoa!
- Thank you so much, young man. - Let's go!
But, hold on, we drove.
It's the end of the world! We'll drop you off afterwards. Come on!
I'm good with that. Come on, buddy!
-Well... -Let's go save the world, man!
Whoo!
I have been prepping for this my entire life!
-That's great news, man! -We're really glad we found you.
Thanks. I got some donuts and beer in the cooler if you guys want.
-No way! -Yeah.
Score!
-Gozamel, you're the best, my brother. -Thank you.
-Is there a seat belt back here? -Seat belt?
You don't need a fucking seat belt. This is the end of the world!
-There are no rules! -No rules.
I'd still like to have a seat belt.
When I was a kid, my father told me I have a destiny.
And my destiny was to save the world.
-That must have been a pretty heavy talk. -Fuck yeah, it was heavy, man.
'Cause he was dying in my arms.
But then he bequeathed onto me the knife of destiny.
And he told me, "You take that little Antichrist fuck-up to hallowed ground,
-and you stab him right in the chest!" -I'm sorry, what?
But you gotta do it by 6:00 p.m. on June the sixth.
Man, I was getting worried. I didn't think it was gonna happen.
-No. What did you say about a knife? -The knife of destiny.
It's in the little chest of drawers I built in on the side.
I wanted to make sure it was next to me at all times.
Hmm?
Yeah, that's it. That knife will kill anybody.
No, we are not stabbing my stepson in the chest!
Yeah, his wife's already pretty upset. They're not getting along.
That's not gonna help.
We'll burn him alive or drown him, as long as it's on hallowed ground.
What? No, we're not doing any of those things!
Did you think I was gonna play footsie with him?
-I don't know. Exorcise him? I-- -You can't exorcise the Antichrist, bro.
Let's sacrifice a goat. Something like that.
-Yeah, a goat. -Why hurt an innocent goat?
I'm just brainstorming.
All right, well, there is this myth about someone called the Keymaster,
that he could save the world without killing the kid.
Way to bury the lead, man. Yeah, let's go find the Keymaster.
There's no fucking keymaster!
I made it up.
From Ghostbusters, remember?
-Here. Hand me that thing. -Ghostbusters. You didn't make it up.
Don't worry, guys.
I've been prepping for this my entire life.
-There's nothing that can happen-- -No, look out!
Holy crap.
-You okay? -Yeah, I think I'm all right.
It's a good thing you were wearing your seat belt.
Holy shit!
- Gozamel? - Gozer?
Gozamel?
Gozer, you little demon hunter, where you at, boy?
Gozamel?
Over here!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit...
I'm sorry I let you down.
I'm sorry I let you down, Daddy!
Buddy, you didn't let your dad down, man.
You-- you're the stepfather.
His destiny is in your hands now.
When the time is nigh,
you'll get a sign from above.
Look... for... the... sign.
Gozer?
Gozer, buddy?
God! I told you we should have fucking caravanned!
-Okay, that might have been a better idea. -God, this is crazy.
Oh, my God, this is so crazy.
-Dude, bro, you gotta relax, man. -How can I relax?
-We're in a cornfield! -So?
What good thing has ever happened in a cornfield, Al?
Well, I don't know. Field of Dreams is pretty cool.
Okay. All right, all right.
All right, we're not that far. We can... We can walk home.
Well, are we just gonna leave him here?
Oh, fuck.
Give me the knife. Give me the knife.
I'm coming, bro!
All I wanted was to get married and be happy.
-Have a normal life. -Nobody has a normal life, man.
No, I know, but, like, in the realm of normal.
There's-- There's a realm.
So, your stepkid's a little evil. It's not like it's the end of the world.
Okay, maybe in this case, it actually is, but I'm a stepdad, too.
You know what that means?
I would never leave you on the battlefield. I wouldn't do it!
You know, can we just try walking in silence rest of the way?
Yeah, man, no problem. Was I talking too much?
Total silence. No problem.
House is right up here.
We made it. I'm home.
-You're home. Jiggity jig. -Shit.
-That's not him, is it? -Yeah.
He loves to swing.
Okay.
All right, little brother. I gotta get out of here.
I'll catch you at work tomorrow, all right? Cool.
Wait. What happened to not leaving a soldier on the battlefield?
I'm not leaving you, man.
I'm not leaving you, like, forever.
But right now, it's getting kinda late. It's past my bedtime.
I gotta get my snoozies in 'cause I get real fucking cranky.
You don't want to see me cranky, do you, man? Take this.
-Take it! Take it! -What the hell am I gonna do with this?
-I don't know. -He's just a kid.
-You're a fucking warrior! I've got to go. -What--
I gotta do crosswalk duty in the morning, man. I gotta go!
Al!
Oh, fuck.
Oh, shit.
You know, Gary really is just the kindest man.
He is so good to us.
He hasn't totally got the parenting thing-- Gary!
-Yeah? -Gary! Hi. Come in, please.
-You remember Wendy, from the party? -Of course. Hello.
And this is Mrs. Shaylock from Child Protective Services.
-Oh, hi. Hello. -Hello.
-Very nice to meet you. Yes. -So nice to meet you.
I am so sorry for being late. I was racing home from work.
- You work in a cornfield? - No.
-No. -No.
-I'm in real estate. And I... -Oh.
go walking in cornfields at night, sometimes to gather my thoughts.
Well, then I would love for you to share them with us right now.
-Mr. Bloom, please have a seat. Come on. -Okay.
Can I just-- I'm sorry.
I was just telling Miss Shaylock how you are trying--
-Gary? -Yeah?
How you are trying so hard to reach out to Lucas.
That's right. Yeah, yeah. I'm... I am trying.
It's always so hard for stepdads.
Tell me, Mr. Bloom, all the things
that you do with the dear boy.
Uh, w-well, I've taken him to school...
-School. -...and...
I've tried talking to him a bunch of times. You know?
Gary helped plan Lucas' birthday party.
The one with the burning clown that traumatized all the children?
Lucas really looks up to Gary.
I mean, just tonight, he told me that he didn't want to go to sleep
until Gary tucked him in.
But I just saw him outside on the swing.
Gary, don't be silly. He is upstairs in his bedroom.
It was the sweetest thing.
He said in his little angel voice, "Can Daddy please tuck me in?"
-He called him "Daddy." -What an angel.
Yeah, a fallen...
asleep angel, which I am way too bushed to put down tonight.
-Go tuck your son in. -He's probably asleep.
He's probably awake and waiting up for you to tuck him in.
- Gary! - All right.
-"A little reluctant to tuck--" -You don't need to write that down.
I'll be the judge of that.
All right.
Hey, the lights are burned out up here.
There is a flashlight on the wall.
This is fucking bullshit.
All right.
Here we go.
He's a fucking five year old kid. Nothing to be afraid of.
Okay.
All right.
Shit.
You marry a beautiful woman and all hell breaks loose.
All right.
Hey, uh... hey, Lucas?
You want me to tuck you in, buddy?
Lucas, you in here?
Jesus.
Lucas?
"Erutpar."
I'm Remi the Lion. Wanna play?
No, Remi, not right now.
I'm Remi the Lion. Wanna play?
- I'm Remi the Lion. Wanna play? - I told you, Remi, I don't wanna play.
I'm Remi the Lion. Wanna play?
Shut up.
You want to play?
Samantha? Somebody?
Somebody, help!
-Why is it so hard for men? -You have to demand more from him.
Samantha? Somebody?
Try reading him a book, you sack of shit!
Shit.
Erutpar!
Let me tell you. Whatever a child is going through emotionally,
it's natural for them to act out in physical ways.
Please remember, it is never the child's fault.
No matter what happens, it is never the child's fault.
It was very nice to meet you, Mrs. Bloom.
Of course, you know, I'm going to keep a very close eye on you and your family.
- Of course. It's fine. - Very nice to meet you, too...
-Wendy. -Wendy. Yes. You're parked in front of me.
Oh, I'll be right out.
Oh!
What was going on with that idiot husband of yours?
No idea. I am so angry, I could scream.
Oh, it's him. He must be too scared to come downstairs.
-Wendy, thank you for your support. -Of course. Anytime!
I could not have done it without you. Get that woman out of my driveway.
Happily.
Gary, what on earth are you doing?
Your evil, freaky, little son buried me in the backyard!
Stop yelling, okay?
-You know I can't understand you when... -Your evil fucking son--
Oh...
Lucas?
Honey?
So creative.
Gary? Where is Lucas?
Okay, I'm sorry that I yelled before. I'm getting a little oxygen deprived.
What? Where are you?
I'm in the backyard.
Bring a shovel and come as fast as you can or I'm gonna die!
Gary? Lucas?
That's it!
Time out, young man!
Oh, my God, Gary! Gary, say something! Are you okay?
I...
want...
a divorce!
Don't say that!
Get out of there, Gary.
Oh, can I? Thanks.
Gary, please don't overreact, okay?
-I know he didn't mean to... -He didn't mean to?
He just wanted you to read him a book!
I'm pretty sure that's not what he wanted.
I should have insisted that you two spend more time together before we got married.
Oh, yeah, that would have been great, getting to know him a little bit better.
You've really outdone yourself, Gary. Congratulations.
-I've tried reaching out. -Tried? You drove him to school.
You've tried talking to him a few times.
Excuse me if I didn't buy you a dad of the year mug.
He buried me alive, Sam!
Children act out because they don't know how to express their emotions.
You're the adult. You were supposed to help him.
But you won't even want to look at my son, because he's not yours!
-That is not why. -Then why?
Because he's the fucking Antichrist, Sam!
That's why!
-Listen to me. -No.
Sam!
Come on, Lucas.
Sam.
Oh, great.
Now it's raining blood, Sam!
Not cool, Lucas!
Not cool!
Fundamentals! Fundamentals!
It was awful. Just the whole thing, indescribably awful.
I know what you mean, man. We all been there.
No, you haven't.
Come on, Jeremy. Eye on the ball.
That's okay, buddy. There you go!
Look, I hate to say it, man, but I think you might actually have to kill the kid.
No, I can't do it.
Gregory Peck did it in The Omen.
No, he didn't. He got shot before he could do it.
And I'm pretty sure that everyone thought he was an awful father after that.
Well, they already think that about you, so...
-What? Who does? Who said that? -Nobody.
-Just my wife and all her friends. -What?
- The school board... - Okay. Okay. All right.
I didn't want to tell you this, 'cause I didn't want you to get jealous.
But I won the Dad ball this morning.
-What? -Isn't that awesome?
Yeah. That's awesome.
It made me realize that there's a lot to live for.
A lot of innocent people are gonna go to hell.
-I know, I know. -Maybe not totally innocent, but people!
-That's not cool! -Okay. All right.
You know, you don't have to make it look like you did it.
You could take him to King Willie's Water Park.
Get him some floaties, fill 'em with sand, push him down that big-ass slide.
Nature's gonna take its course. That shit happens all the time.
-That place is a safety hazard. -It has to be on hallowed ground.
I'm pretty sure that the water park is hallowed ground. The pope blessed it.
Sam's never gonna let me near him again anyway.
Go over there, bring her some flowers, man.
Tell her you're sorry that you called her kid the Antichrist.
I do that shit all the time. Sometimes, he deserves it.
Marsupials!
-Hey. -Hey.
I am... really sorry about what I said.
You said some awful things. Awful things.
I want to turn this around, Sam. I really do.
I want to be the man, the father, that I know I can be.
I know it's his birthday today,
and I'd love if I could just have a little father-son time with him.
Maybe teach him to swim?
Lucas doesn't know how to swim.
Well, that's what we're here for, Reeroy, to teach Lucas how to swim.
Ready to go up that big one there?
Okay, how about this?
How about we, uh, go play around, work up our courage?
Sound good, Reeroy?
All right. Don't worry, buddy. We'll have a blast. Okay?
Let's go.
Oh, I'm dodging. I'm dodging. Oh! Oh! Oh!
That's it! That's it!
I got you. Oh, I got you.
Oh, my God, are you laughing?
I don't think I've ever seen you laugh before.
Aw, you and your son look really cute together.
-Do you want me to take a picture? -No, that's all right.
Really? It's no problem.
Sure. Yeah. Why not?
There you go.
Okay, lean in a little closer.
A little closer.
Great.
-There you go. -Thanks.
Lucas is ready for the big slide now.
Are you sure? You know what? We actually don't--
All right, listen, Lucas, these are gonna help you float.
Hurry it up!
We're gonna be one minute. It's his first time.
I know these feel heavy, Lucas, but once they hit the water,
they're just gonna get much lighter, okay?
Listen to me.
You don't have to do this.
-Come on already! -I told you he's not ready!
Do you understand? Oh!
Whoa!
Oh, no. Oh, my God.
What the hell am I doing? Oh, what the hell?
God, I don't know if you're real.
If you are, you probably hate me, but you gotta give me a sign here.
You gotta give me a sign.
Give me a sign. Give me a sign.
Oh, my God, that's it. That's it! That's it!
Lucas!
It is a pretty sweet waterslide.
Lucas!
Oh, my God, Lucas!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh.
Oh, I'm never taking my eyes off you again. Okay?
-Okay. -Okay.
I promise.
Oh, my God.
You okay?
-You want to do it again? -No.
Okay. Yeah. Me neither.
I'm sorry we lost Reeroy...
your evil goat puppet.
We'll find you another one, all right?
Gary.
-Yes, Lucas? -I'm sorry I buried you in the backyard.
That's all right, I get it.
Sorry I put sand in your floaties.
That's okay. I get it.
I guess I haven't been a very good stepdad, have I?
You're still here.
Uh... Lucas, can I tell you something? Something I've never told anyone?
Did you know that I never knew my father growing up?
He split on me when I was just a baby.
So, when I was 20 years old, I decided to go find him.
And when I finally did,
he told me that I was a worthless loser who would never do anything with his life.
You know what I decided?
That I didn't have to listen to my dad.
You know, Lucas, I don't care who your real dad is
or if you were spawned from a cult ritual. You are you.
And you can be whoever you want to be, okay?
Daddy?
Yeah, Lucas?
I don't want you to die anymore.
I don't want you to die anymore, either.
And you're right. My real dad isn't a really good influence on me.
No, I don't think he is.
Hold on. Do you... know your real dad?
Well, sometimes he talks to me through my toys and the TV.
That's a really good reason to limit your TV time.
And he said he wants full "custoty."
Do you know what that means?
Yeah. Yeah, it's not good.
Listen, your mom and I will never let that happen.
Do you understand? I promise.
It's an Amber Alert.
Wait, that's my license.
Shit.
Lucas, finish your ice cream. We got to go.
-Hands in the air! -Okay.
-What did I do? -Keep 'em up!
You can go to hell!
Don't say that to the officers! We're working on our manners.
Arms behind your back.
Officer, I think there's a mistake, I'm his step--
Ow! What are you doing?
My, my, my, my, my. What a scene. What a scene.
Thank you, officers. A job very well done.
-The boy is safe now. -What are you doing here?
We told you we were gonna keep an eye on you.
Oh, Mr. Bloom, you've disappointed us. We thought you were the one.
"We"? Who-- Who's "we"?
You come with me now, sweet pea.
-The reverend will be so glad to see you. -I don't want to!
The reverend? No. You can't take him! He's just a child!
Sure he is. And I'm just a sweet little old lady who evolved from an amoeba.
-Get in the car. -No, you can't do this!
Daddy!
Daddy, help!
-Daddy! -I'm coming to get you, buddy.
-Come on, get in the car. -Lucas!
All right, back up. Come on, back it up.
Holy fuck!
Hi, Gar.
Hey, it's me. They took Lucas.
-Who took Lucas? -The CPS lady.
But it's not my fault, I swear. Now, look...
She's taking him to the reverend, who I think is a cult leader.
Okay, and they think that Lucas is evil, which m-may or may not be true,
because, let's face it, in life, he's gonna make his own choices,
no matter who his father is.
Gary, you don't know what you're talking about.
I'm talking about free will, Sam!
And I'm talking about him being able to be whoever he wants to be.
Now, look, I need you to call the police and settle just a minor Amber Alert.
Hello, my dear. Time to go.
-I am not going anywhere with you. -Sam?
Samantha?
No!
-Take her to the car. -Gary!
-Sam! -Gary!
No! No! No!
She's feisty. Find the knife. It's here somewhere.
Sam? Samantha?!
Sam? Shit!
Hey. Hey. Psst. You!
No, I can't be quiet. You have to come here.
Open this door. Right now! Come on!
Come...
Hey, you gotta open this door.
Okay? My son's in trouble. I have to save him.
Come on! Open the door! Right now! Please!
Holy shit. Thank you.
I gotta go, but I owe you one. Okay?
Save the child.
He is our only hope.
-You can do this! -Don't give up!
Hey. Hey, hi!
Jeremy, what's up? Is your dad around, by any chance?
No, my dad left so he could bang hot women and get high.
Okay. How about your stepdad?
-Thanks, buddy. Gar, what's up? -Hey. Good to see you.
Um...
-Listen, can you help me saw these off? -Shit.
-They're uncomfortable. -I been meaning to talk to you anyway.
Let's hit the man cave pronto.
Check this out.
It seems to say that the evil child is not Satan himself,
but a portal to Satan.
And that by killing him, that portal will open,
and the real Satan can then enter his body,
and the end of the world will ensue.
That's what he was saying about his real father wanting full custody.
Shit, dude, that's never good.
Those guys, Gozamel and the reverend, they wanted me to kill Lucas.
Right, to bring on the apocalypse.
-But now that you dropped that ball... -They're gonna do it themselves.
-But they have to do it... -On hallowed ground.
-Yeah. -If we knew where that was, we could...
The nunnery. Al, the nunnery. That's why the reverend bought it.
He's gonna have, like, a blowout party, sacrifice Lucas
and open up the doors of hell.
Doesn't parenting suck?
Yes!
The place is basically a fortress.
There's no way we're gonna be able to get in there.
-What are you doing? -It takes a village, you know?
But how are we gonna get in there?
They say there's a reason for everything, don't they? I think I found my reason.
Whoa, that's a big truck.
-No, it's a small truck. -With big tires.
-Is this vehicle equipped with airbags? -Let's ride, bitches!
-Al, can you go any faster? -Hang on!
Did you really think you could hide from me...
go off and marry some fool and try to forget?
This is your destiny.
The end is our destiny!
Oh!
Oh, fuck!
Turn off the vehicle. Come out with your hands in the air.
What the shit is that?
Okay, there may be a bit of an Amber Alert out on me,
but it's a mistake, I swear.
Can I say at this point? I think we might be doing something wrong.
We're not doing anything wrong. Okay?
And Lucas, he's not Satan. He's just a portal to Satan.
And good parenting, it's about keeping that portal shut.
Man, that's so true.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Those guys, they can't stop us.
Nobody can stop us.
You know why?
Because this is my destiny.
-I'm with you 100%, man! -Yeah, me too!
So you're sure we're doing the right thing?
-Yeah! Yes, we are. -Yes!
Let's go blow up that nunnery!
-Yeah! -Ah!
-Al? Do you think we can make it? -Are you kidding me, bro? Hold on!
Fuck!
Brothers and sisters,
the time has come to revel in the glory of the rapture.
Behold.
He who knows no bounds to evil.
The one, the only...
the Antichrist!
-Fuck! -Don't stop. Keep going!
Dude, I'm not stopping for anything, man!
-The fence! The fence! The fence! -Whoa! Whoa!
-We don't have much time! -Gozer said it has to happen by six.
We've got five minutes!
-It's locked, guys. -Fuck!
There's a window! We can break it and go through it.
Come on, give it a try!
- Get up. Put it up. - Come on. Come on!
-Put it up. -All right, higher.
Guys, I have the key.
Guys, I'm a real estate agent. I have the key!
I'm the Keymaster.
-Well, then open the door, dipshit. -Okay.
Ah...
Okay, got it.
-Come on, let's go! -Go, go, go!
You! You were never meant to be the one...
Nice punch, Gary.
Yeah, you really laid out that very tiny woman.
Maybe take it easy on the old ladies, huh?
-Big Guy might be watching. -Come on, guys.
Or not.
Guys.
The time is close, my son.
Yours is the greatest sacrifice.
You are but a vessel for greatness!
Kill the child! Kill the child! Kill the child!
- Hey. Psst. - Get away from me!
It's me.
-What are you doing? -We're here to save you.
-Get up there and do something. -Right.
The time has come!
-Ten, nine, eight... -They're gonna kill him, Gar!
-...seven, six. -Heads up.
Five, four...
-It's all up to you now, buddy. -...three, two, one!
The time has come to open the gates of hell!
Gary, now!
Oh, my God.
Go, go, go, go, go!
-Get away! -No, look! It's us!
We met at the party.
-I'm Larry. -Al?
-It's us. -It was, like, a Tuesday.
You messing with my boy?
Because you mess with my boy, you mess with me!
As for the rest of you, you should be ashamed of yourselves.
Really, all of you.
I think you need to do some real soul searching.
Look yourselves in the mirror and say, "Is this who I really want..."
Oh, shit.
..."to... be...?"
Oh, shit.
Hey, Lucas?
You okay, buddy?
Lucas!
I got you, buddy! I got you!
Let me go!
-No! -You must let me go!
No! I won't!
- Daddy? - Yes, Lucas?
I'm scared.
Don't be scared, sweetie.
- I got you. - Let him go!
Okay, maybe a little fear is totally justified,
but I'm not letting you go!
I'm never letting go, buddy!
-Why? -Because I'm your father!
And I love you!
You're his stepfather!
I'm not leaving you!
Fuck!
Oh, my God.
-You okay? -Yeah.
-Gary. -Gary.
Lucas!
Gary!
-I'm sorry. -I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God!
-Help him up! -Come on.
-Easy. -All right.
Let him breathe.
That's some Indiana Jones shit, dawg.
Holy shit. Oh, my God.
He's probably got minor scrapes, but you know...
-It's 'cause of us. It's 'cause of us. -We did good.
Hon, you told me when you're a parent, you hope for the best,
but prepare for the worst.
-Yeah. -Please tell me that was it.
You did it.
You really came through for us.
You're the one, baby.
You were always the one.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I wish I had a bonding moment like this with my son.
-Not exactly like this. -A milkshake with two straws.
No, I know, a Little League game, like, a ball game or something.
I mean, there was fucking--
The child must die!
-Mom! -Come on.
Oh, shit!
Don't ever fuck with my kid again!
-Okay. -That's bad-ass.
They both punch really well, like, when people run up to them in churches.
Can we get out of here? I just wanna get out of here.
Yeah.
-I think we go. -Okay, let's go.
Let's go, guys. Come on. Tomorrow's a new day.
- Yeah. - Oh, boy.
You know, this might sound weird,
but I think maybe we should go get some ice cream.
I still have my kid's backpack in my trunk.
We go get ice cream, and then all shit in it.
- I can shit in your backpack now. - Yeah, sure, why not?
I already shit my pants, though. I don't know if I have any left.
All right, you guys are up next.
-No, no, no. We're not ready. -Yes, we are.
-Dad, we're fine. -Okay, best of luck to both you guys.
Lucas, we are not ready yet. I haven't adjusted the steering column.
-The brakes-- -Stop worrying, okay?
-Okay. All right. -You just have to trust me.
I trust you.
-And I'm driving. -What?
No, no, no. You can't drive. You're six.
All right, just don't turn too hard in either direction, okay?
Just try to keep it steady.
Whoa!
Look at the cool design on that one!
I'm not gonna lie, man. That's pretty fucking rad, bro!
-There they go! Let's go! -Shit!
-Hey! Who wants it more, baby? -Go defense!
Go, Gary! Go, Lucas!
Not too much! Back the other way!
Hang on, Dad. Things are just about to get interesting.
- Lucas! Lucas! - Yeah!