-Good evening everybody and welcome
to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
On tonight's show, improv VIP Wayne Brady...
"Whose Line" MVP Jeff Davis...
comedy TNT Colin Mochrie...
and OMG LMAO Ryan Stiles.
I'm Aisha Tyler. Let's have some fun.
-- Captions by VITAC --
Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?,"
the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
We've got a great show for you tonight.
So let's get started with a game we call "Let's Make a Date."
And this is for all of our lovely gentleman
performers here. [ Cheers and applause ]
Jeff, you are a contestant,
and you are looking for love on a TV dating show,
and Wayne, Colin and Ryan
are the hopeful lovelies that you're choosing from.
However, each of them has been given
a strange characteristic or identity
and you're going to question them about
their suitability for the date
and in the process you're going to try to guess who they are.
Okay, Jeff go make a date.
-Hello boys. I cannot see you, but I can smell you
and from what I smell, I like it.
Bachelor number one, if you were a cocktail,
what would be in you?
-[ Heavy Jamaican accent ] Let me tell you something here.
Nothing inside me but rum, girl, 99% proof, hey.
But I tell you I can't go out on a date with you,
I stay in with this lazy self, won't get off the couch.
"Now listen [indistinct], don't be so m--"
Don't talk back to me woman!
I'm talking about him hey. "But please don't get in."
"Mommy, daddy, why are y'all yelling at me?
I don't understand why."
I'll tell ya be quiet, Lord have mercy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Bachelor number two, it takes a many licks
to get to the center of the lollipop.
How many licks does it take to get to my center?
[ Laughter ]
And I don't mean that in a disgusting way.
-No.
-I don't usually tend to sooth...
my, uh...
my savage beast.
[ Laughter ]
I hate this part of the job.
Snip!
[ Laughter ]
-Oh!
[ Laughter ]
I'd say 15 licks.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Bachelor number three, if I was a song, what song would I be?
-Oh I'm sorry were you talking to me?
-Yes, I was bachelor number three.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I'm sorry I -- I got a little distracted.
It's just been...
so long since I've seen you.
You haven't changed a bit.
Everything's -- Everything's the same about you.
The way --
A-Almost the same.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm sorry, were you talking to me?
-No, go on.
-I'm starting to creep myself out.
[ Laughter, buzzer sounding ]
-Have you been able to figure any of this out?
-I quit. [ Laughter ]
Uh, Wayne, you are a quarreling Jamaican family.
-Yeah. Yeah, I feel like that was fair.
-He was close.
-Colin, you are the world's most disgusting internal surgeon.
-No! No.
-You're a throat surgeon.
-What kind of throat surgeon slices off the member
of a living thing
and then throws it into a frying pan?
-A bad one.
[ Laughter ]
-You're a butcher?
-That's what my patients say.
[ Laughter ]
-You're so close, Jeff.
-He's a -- He's a cow surgeon. A bull surgeon.
-I'll give you that one, yes, cow surgeon.
-And, Ryan, you are a woman who hasn't seen your husband
in many, many long years. You're an estranged wife.
-Yeeee... -No. No.
-You're a cow surgeon.
[ Laughter ]
-Yes, ladies and gentlemen, very nice.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughs, sighs ]
I fully concur with the over enthusiastic audience here.
You all get 1,000 points.
[ Laughter and cheering ]
Alright, gentlemen, we are going to play a game
now called "Sound Effects."
And this is a game for Ryan and Colin,
and they're going to need the help of two volunteers
from the audience who I'm going to find right now.
Alright!
Alright, hi, what's your name?
-My name's Jenica. -Jenica, hi, come with me.
Who else? Who else? Who else?
Oh, okay. How about you? Tell me your name.
-Hi, I'm Kayla. -Kayla, come on down!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Go and have a seat. -Hello.
-Hi! -Hello.
-There's mics there.
-Okay, now, the way that this works
is that Ryan and Colin are going to perform a scene
and Jenica and Kayla are going to provide
the sound effects, but only when prompted.
Alright, Jenica's going to do them for Ryan
and, Kayla, you're going to do them for Colin.
And your scene is that Ryan is boy wizard, Harry Potter.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And Colin is Hermione.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, now during a Hogworts fireworks party,
their owls warn them that evil wizard Voldemort
and his giant snake have broken in.
Colin and Ryan, have at thee.
-Clink! Clink! Clink! Clink! -Not like that, Harry,
I've told you more wrist. -[ Popping ]
-Usually it works better than that.
-More wrist, Hermione. -Whoo-cha!
-Oh! -Oh, my wand turned into a whip!
-This is going to be the biggest party at Hogworts.
I'm so excited. Finally we'll be accepted.
-Shall we take my broom or yours?
-Yours is a two seater.
-Alright. Hop on. -Alright.
-Here we go. -[ Vocalizing ]
-Turn off the radio! -I'm sorry!
-[ Whooshing ]
-[ Hoots ] -Oh, wait, my owl's coming.
-[ Hooting ] -Come here. What?
-[ Hooting ] -Really?
-You speak owl? -Yes, don't you?
-No! -You have to study harder.
What was that you said? -[ Hooting ]
-With the snake?
-Hoo!
-Yeah, I know who.
[ Laughter ]
-Something's wrong with the broom.
-Blub-ba-lub-bub. Ba-dup-bub-bub-bub.
-It ran out of gas I guess.
-We have to protect the school from He Who Should Not Be Named.
-But we're stuck here in the forest.
Shh, did you hear that?
-Nope.
-No, listen closely.
-[ Hooting deeply ]
-Oh, it's a tired owl. [ Laughter ]
-That means he's flown from very far away!
-He barely got that hoo out.
-Look, his giant snake. -[ Hisses ]
-It's not that big. It's not that big.
[ Laughter ]
Wow, we better get the fireworks ready.
-I totally forgot about that. -I didn't.
Let me load a tube, I'll shoot one out.
-Pew!
-Oh! -Oh, they're from the '70s.
-Yes.
I have the most powerful fireworks known to man.
-Oh, let me step back.
-This should scare Voldemort away
and also just make everyone go "ah" with the excitement.
-Let me warn the towns people with my speaker.
-[ High-pitched ] No!
-Good warning.
-[ High-pitched ] Be careful!
-I've got it set on gay.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, we're alright. Go ahead.
-I'll light it with a match.
-Pssh!
[ Hissing ]
-More snakes!
[ Laughter ]
Come on. Light it. -I lit it.
Five, four, three, two, one!
-Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
-That was disappointing. -They're still going.
Alright, I'm going to have to
bring out Big Teddy, the biggest firework of all.
-Not Big Teddy! -Yes, stand back.
I'll wheel it out.
-Alright, while you do it I'll do the traditional
Hogworts song on my bag pipes.
-Okay.
Sing with that beautiful voice of yours.
-I'm blowing into a bag.
-I'll sing.
I'll sing the beautiful Hogworts song while you play.
-♪ Oh, here we go ♪ -[ Vocalizing ]
-♪ Time for the fireworks ♪
♪ Here we go ♪
[ Buzzer ]
-Thanks so much to Jenica and Kayla for the sound effects.
You guys were awesome.
Thank you, guys. You guys were great. Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Join me after the break for more hilarious games
from the guys on "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" --
the show where everything is made up
and the points don't matter.
Now next up is a game called "Newsflash."
This one is for Ryan, Jeff and Colin. Come on down.
Wayne, relax.
Ryan and Jeff are going to be two news anchors in the studio
and, Colin, you're going to be in the field
as a reporter covering a breaking news story.
Colin's not actually going to know what the news story is
because he is standing in front of a blank screen,
just like the weatherman does on the real news.
But by the magic of television,
Ryan, Jeff and everybody else watching will see the news story
projected onto the TV screen behind him.
And the challenge that Colin faces is guessing
what the news story is.
Okay, so here we go, and over to Ryan and Jeff in the studio.
-Well, I don't have to take a pill.
I just find a little extra doesn't hurt,
you know what I'm saying?
Oh, we are -- we are getting a special news announcement
from our man in the field, Colin Mochrie.
Colin, can you hear us?
-I can barely here you over what is happening behind me!
-Colin, please, be frank and go furter on this.
-Well, it just seems to have worked
that everybody's worked into a lather!
I don't know how much longer
this can be contained in this area!
[ Laughter ]
-Colin, Colin, has anybody been hurt so far?
-Three people!
Two of them were me!
-Colin, can you explain to us what's going on
behind you right now?
[ Laughter ]
-I think it pretty much says it all if you just look at it!
-Colin, please, you're the only man out there.
Try and link these events together if you could for us.
-All I know is I've never been so afraid!
-I know your wife is going to be petrified
seeing you in this kind of condition.
You might have to wiener off of this eventually.
-Yeah, probably.
-Colin, turn around for a second,
show everybody your buns would you.
-I've been working out, because as you know I'm always out here
where it's incredibly dangerous.
I have to be able to move at any particular point at any time!
-Oh, I'm surprised you can mustard up the energy.
-Well, it's not something I relish.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
-Colin, can you -- can you guess where you are right now?
-I'm in a hot dog factory. -Yes, wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes.
[ Applause ]
Delicious. How about that?
I know I don't have a hot dog pun
that isn't going to get me in trouble with the censors, so...
Next up is a game called "Scenes from a Hat."
[ Cheers and applause ]
This game is for all four of our performers. Come on down here.
Now, before the show we asked the audience
to write down scenes they'd like to see acted out
by our performers, and I've got the best ones in this hat.
I'm going to read them out and we're going to see how many
the performers can act out. You guys ready?
-Sure. -What's going to happen?
-Let's do it.
-"How to blow a job interview..."
[ Laughter ]
Wait a minute.
"...with one sentence."
-Really? Every day?
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
-[ Chuckles ]
-I know I haven't been hired yet, but when's lunch?
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
-No, really. I went to cow surgeon school.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
-It's pronounced methadone.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
You don't see them? Because I see them.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
-"Weird things to happen..."
[ Laughter ] -Period?
-"...at a doctor's exam."
-Hi, just sit there, thank you.
Alright-y.
[ Laughter ]
Boom!
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
-[ Laughs ]
-Is this your watch?
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Tsh, stop crying.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
-Mr. Ramsey, just turn your head please.
[ Imitates horn honking ]
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
-No, really, it's on the house.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
-Oh, "Bad things to say through a megaphone."
[ Laughter ]
-There is an avalanche warning right here!
[ Buzzer sounding ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Do not go away, we'll be right back
with much more "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
right after this.
♪♪
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" --
the show where everything is made up
and the points don't matter.
And now we're going to play a game called "Greatest Hits,"
and this is a game for all four of our performers
with the help of Laura Hall
and Linda Taylor on piano and guitar.
Ryan and Colin are two TV voiceover artists talking about
the latest compilation albums, and Wayne and Jeff
are going to sing snippets of the songs on that album.
Now, I need a suggestion from the audience here.
So, could you give me something that concerns you
when you're a teenager?
[ Audience shouting suggestions ]
I feel like I'm hearing acne.
Acne seems to be coming up.
Alright, so the name of your album is "Songs of Acne."
Take it away.
-We'll be right back to the CW remake of "Grumpy Old Men
with Justin Timberlake and a Fetus" in just a second.
-You know, Colin, swing isn't just a music style,
it's also something the wife and I do every October 3rd.
-Really? -And you know,
when it comes to great swing songs
there's only one that spells the end of acne.
That great swing hit, "I'm Clearing Up."
[ Swing music playing ]
-I feel good. -I feel real good, you know why?
-Tell them. Hit them one time. -I'll tell you why.
♪ Oh, I ♪
♪ Am clearing up ♪
♪ I'm going to drink from life's golden cup ♪
-Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
-♪ I used to be cover with so much acne ♪
♪ I looked like a braille book ♪
♪ Chicks would walk away from me with a single look ♪
♪ Single look ♪
♪♪
-♪ Dig this, because I know that you've seen ♪
♪ You've seen exactly how oily ♪
♪ And now I feel so much better ♪
♪ Every chick, they adore me ♪
♪ They want to touch this face ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm in luck, because I'm clearing up ♪
-♪ Well, I'm clearing up ♪
♪ And I've got to scream and shout ♪
-[ Vocalizing ] -♪ 'Cause now that I'm clear ♪
♪ And I'm taking my baby and we are stepping out ♪
-♪ Nobody's pointing and jeering ♪
♪ There are no villagers with torches anymore ♪
♪ Now I can knock and be accepted ♪
♪ And I walk right up in someone's store because ♪
[ Scatting ] -♪ Because I'm clearing ♪
♪ Clearing up ♪
-♪ Clearing up ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Oil free, baby. Oil free.
[ Cheering, buzzer ]
-You know, we have many different kinds of styles.
Some styles actually kind of meld into a new style.
-Really? -No.
Yes, really, there's a new style we like to call bluegrass rap.
-Bluegrass rap? -Yes.
-Bluegrass rap?
-Bluegrass rap, bluegrass rap. -Bluegrass rap, bluegrass rap.
-We sounded like Kanye West.
-No, we didn't. I kind of wish we did.
But maybe you'll be singing out of your bluegrass rap...
[ Laughter ]
...when you hear this great song,
"I'm Putting Cream On It, I Don't Care Who Sees."
[ Upbeat music playing ]
-Yo.
♪ Yo, in the bathroom all alone ♪
♪ I see my reflection, and then I start to moan ♪
♪ Because I've got a zit from here to here ♪
♪ I've got one up my nostril that comes out of my ear ♪
♪ It's so long, it's so long ♪
♪ That's why I'm singing the bluegrassy
kind of rap-flavored song ♪
♪ I'm going to put some cream on it ♪
♪ I don't care, I don't care, I don't care who sees ♪
-♪ I'm going to put some cream on it ♪
♪ I'm going to slather it on it I do admit ♪
♪ I'm going to put some cream, creamy, creamy ♪
♪ Slather in chocolate dreamy, dreamy ♪
♪ All because it makes me want to shout ♪
♪ And I'm going to put some cream on to stop the break out ♪
♪ I'm going to put some cream on it and I don't care who sees ♪
-♪ Well, you put the cream on it and what you going to do ♪
-♪ What you going to -- ev-ev -- what you going to do? ♪
-♪ Put the cream on it and get some little milk ♪
♪ From a cow that goes moo, moo ♪
-♪ Because it don't matter ♪
♪ Because you got to put the cream on it ♪
♪ It really goes off ♪
♪ And I'm going to put some cream on it ♪
-♪ And I don't care who sees ♪
-♪ I don't care who sees ♪
♪ I don't care who sees ♪
[ Cheers and applause, buzzer sounding ]
-See you after this short break
when I reveal who the winner of tonight's show is
on "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" --
where the winners of tonights show are Ryan Styles
and Jeff Davis. -Oh!
-It's a shock to me too.
And as a reward, I want you guys to read the credits out
in the style of increasingly bitchy morning show presenters.
Thank you and goodnight.
-Well, good morning. Mark Leveson's up.
-Already? Dan Patterson.
You know Dan Patterson's problem?
-No, I don't. -No, he just, nothing but this.
-I would check the traffic, but I don't care
about the traffic because I'm already here.
-Geraldine Dowd, Geraldine Dowd.
-Don't even mention that name to me.
-I won't even talk to her. -She is dead to me.
-Colin Mochrie. -I don't want to hear about it.
-Forget it. -[Indistinct] is not
even helping on this show anymore.
-Mark Baker, more like Mark -- -I quit.
I'm walking off this job. I quit.
What? -What did you say to me?
-I said I quit.
[ Cheers and applause ]