-Good evening, everybody,
and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
On tonight's show, license to thrill, Wayne Brady.
From Michigan with love, Nyima Funk.
The man with the golden guns, Colin Mochrie.
And Dr. No, No, No, Ryan Stiles.
And I'm Aisha Tyler.
This is gonna be awesome!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey!
Hey, everybody, welcome.
Welcome to the show where everything is made up
and the points don't matter.
We've got a great show for you tonight,
so let's get started with a game we call "Weird Newscasters."
This is for all four of our performers, so come on down.
In this game, Colin is the anchor of a news program
and Nyima, Ryan, and Wayne are his co-presenters.
Each one of them is a strange character.
So Nyima, you're the co-anchor, you're a grumpy old woman
shouting abuse at everyone from your porch.
Wayne, you are a sportscaster
who's also performing a one-man show
charting the history of the United States of America.
And Ryan, you are the weather forecaster
and you're also an upbeat children's TV host
who suffers a meltdown live on air.
Take it away.
♪♪
-Welcome to the 6:00 news.
I'm your anchor, Al Beback. [I'll be back]
Our top story -- tragedy struck
as a Czechoslovakian animal fertility expert
was eaten by the two tigers that he was hoping to help mate.
Although details are fuzzy,
it is thought the Czech is in the male.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Today in the news, a lot of things have been going on,
but I am mostly concerned with you kids
playing out in the street area.
The cars going that way and then this way
and the kids be playing that way.
Someone's gonna get hurt and killed.
Then property taxes go up and the white folks move in.
It's not gonna happen.
-Thank you so much Bula. Nice insight from an old person.
Well, let's see what happening in the world of sports, Timmy.
-Hey, let's just see how the whole thing began,
the entire thing.
I think it began such a long time ago.
[ Imitates Native American chant ]
[ British accent ] I say, right over there.
[ Normal voice ] Oh, hey, look at that.
[ British accent ] Hello. Ooh, look trade your blankets.
[ Bawks ]
♪ Oh, Lordy ♪
[ Asian accent ] Oh, railroad. I build railroad.
Conestoga.
Nyeah, see? [ Imitates gunfire ]
Can't drink this.
[ Imitates explosion ]
Our dead and our living...
[ Imitates gunfire, Japanese language ]
[ Vocalizing rock beat ]
Hey, what's-a...
I ain't moving on this seat.
I'm gonna stay right here on this seat.
I have a dream...
Hey, look, TV!
Oh, color! Oh, damn right.
Wayne Brady, he's born.
[ Imitates hair spray can, Michael Jackson ]
Um...
Come on, Hammer!
And that's the news.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That's the way it happened.
-That's -- that's exactly what I'm talking about
with the kids in the street. That's how it happens.
- You're insane. - Yes.
-Alright, let's see what's happening in weather
with Happy Geega. Happy.
-Well, hello there, and hello, youngsters.
Let's take a look at the weather.
Oh, we got some beautiful weather this evening,
and tomorrow, as well, if you want to head out to the beach,
and I know how much kids love the beach.
♪ Come out to the beach where the fish do swim ♪
♪ Come out to the beach, have some gin ♪
♪ Come out to the beach, he'll be around ♪
♪ Come out to the beach and hear a sound ♪
Oh, excuse me.
Hello? Hi, Sam.
I don't know, you might want to ask your mother about that.
No, I'm doing the weather right now.
I got to go Sam.
I have to go, son.
If you call back again I will take you out in the forest
and leave you for the wolves.
That's what I said. That's what I said.
[ Chuckling ] Okay.
Kids, I love them.
I don't. I don't like kids at all.
My fourth was born, I saw the head
and tried to shove him back in.
I can't handle them!
12 children.
God, I wish I were gay.
Back to you.
-Well that's the 6:00 news.
Goodnight and good news.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-1,000 points to Wayne for including Hammer in the --
As a critical element of our national history.
-The thing -- The thing is I feel bad.
I only went up to '91.
-It was funny how the birth of Wayne Brady got in there, too.
-Oh, of course it did.
Now we're going to play a game
called "Song Style," and in this game,
Wayne is going to making up a song assisted by
Laura Hall and Linda Taylor on piano and guitar.
Now, to inspire you, Wayne --
We want to give you some inspiration.
We're going to introduce our very special guest.
So please welcome Olympic Gold medal-winning
gymnast, Shawn Johnson.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hi!
Welcome, welcome.
So Wayne, you're gonna be signing a song about Shawn
and the style that you're gonna be doing it
is kind of in a "High School Musical,"
"Glee" -esque.
You know what I'm talking about.
- Sure. - Right? So take it away.
[ Upbeat pop music plays ]
-Hey, Shawn.
So you think you're so bad, do ya?
I saw you doing your moves. You and your girls.
Well, my girl Latisha, we've got something for you.
We're gonna have a dance-off and a flip down.
Well, I guess I'm just gonna do it by myself.
♪ I know you think that you're the one, you're the [bleep] ♪
♪ Because you can flip, flip, flips ♪
♪ But that's alright because the other guys know ♪
♪ That I'm the one, I'm the one ♪
Watch this. No, later.
♪ You think that you can do it ♪
♪ You know that we're gonna prove it ♪
♪ All the boys settle, you've got a gold medal ♪
♪ So what, so what, let's do it, girl ♪
♪♪
No, I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that.
♪ So what you got, what you got ♪
♪ Uh-huh, you went too far ♪
♪ You think you're number one ♪
♪ Because you're dancing with the stars ♪
♪ So go ahead, go ahead ♪
♪ You think you're hot ♪
♪ You've got those two old dudes ♪
♪ Show me what you got ♪
♪♪
So, are you ready?
This is the big final dance number, let's hit it.
You first.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ All together, we're best friends ♪
♪ Standing on our hands and jumping on our ends ♪
♪ Going flipping, doing stuff that friends can do ♪
♪ High five ♪ ♪ Let's have a pillow fight ♪
♪ And sleep over at each other's houses ♪
♪ That's not creepy ♪
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Give it up for Shawn Johnson!
♪♪
Do not go away.
We're gonna be right back with more
"Whose Line is it Anyway?" right after this.
♪♪
-Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" --
The show where everything is made up
and the points matter none.
And now we're gonna play a game called "Forward Rewind."
It features all four of our performers,
and it starts with Wayne and Colin,
so if you guys would like to all come on down please.
You're gonna be acting out a scene,
but at certain points, we're gonna hear a sound
that instructs the performers to rewind or forward the action.
So can we hear those sounds, please?
-Forward!
Rewind!
-You're scene is that demanding ice hockey coach, Colin,
is trying to out rookie player Wayne.
He's trying him out. No he's not trying to out you.
- Oh! - That would be --
-I'm here!
-Which would be awesome, by the way.
No, he's trying you out for the team,
and hot-headed star Ryan comes in to confront you
about why he has been cut from the team.
And then Wayne's sassy girlfriend, Nyima --
Ooh, girl -- comes in to support her boyfriend.
- You know I will. - What?!
Away you go.
-Alright, part of this is also building up your endurance,
so skate.
Backwards!
-[ Canadian accent ] Okay, Coach, I'm ready.
Tut me in, eh? - You're not ready!
- Oh! - Stand in front of
the puck machine.
-Rewind.
-Stand in front of the puck machine!
- Forward. - Stand in front of
the puck machine!
-[ Grunts ]
That was good.
-Rewind.
Forward. - That was good.
-[ French Canadian accent ] So this must be
the new guy there?
-That's right, Frenchie. We're trying him out.
He's the best new player I've ever seen in my life.
-Put her there.
-I don't shake hands with other players.
-Rewind.
-I don't shake hands with other players.
- Put her there. - Forward.
-Put her there.
-I don't shake hands with other players.
-Hey, sweetie, how's it -- whoo!
- Excellent balance. - Rewind.
- Excellent balance. - Hey, sweetie, how's it going?
-Forward.
-Hey, sweetie how's it go-- Whoo!
-Excellent balance. Now skate with her.
-This is cool, Coach, we can do this at home.
-That's right.
-Rewind.
-We can do this at home.
- That's right. - Forward.
- We do this at home. - That's right.
-We can do this at home.
-[ Foreign accent ] I shall play you for her.
If you score on me in goal, she's mine.
-Wait, are you not French anymore?
-Yes.
-It sounds like you're from Uganda.
-Rewind, back to the top.
-It sounds like you're from Uganda.
-Wait, are you not French anymore?
-Wait, I shall play her for you.
I shall be in goal if you score on me, I get her,
if you don't, you get her.
- Yes we do. - We can do this at home, Coach.
-Great balance. Now skate with her.
-Hey, honey, how you doing?
-So, you're that --
Nice to meet you.
-He's the best player I've ever seen!
-You must be the new guy.
-Good job!
-Okay, Coach.
-Stand in front of the puck machine.
- Put me in, Coach. - No, you're not ready!
-I'm here for practice, eh.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-1,000 points to Ryan for the creating the first
Swedish-French hockey player from Uganda we've ever seen.
-It was an international tournament.
-Next up is a game called "Scenes From a Hat,"
which is for all four performers.
So come on down. Ryan and Colin,
you're over there. Wayne and Nyima,
you're over here.
Before the show, we asked the audience to write down scenes
that they would like to see acted out
by our brilliant performers up here,
and I've got the suggestions in this hat.
You ready?
"Scenes you'd never see
on the Starship Enterprise."
-♪ Two black people! ♪
[ Buzzer ]
-[ As Captain Kirk ] Why can't I get laid?
[ Buzzer ]
-I am so drunk.
[ Buzzer ]
-"If they had action movie trailers for mundane jobs."
-There's only one way that time can be fixed.
Just turn that way.
[ Buzzer ]
-It's time to take out the garbage.
[ Buzzer ]
-It's time for math homework.
It just doesn't add up!
[ Buzzer ]
-Come on, get in, come on.
Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.
It's time to go to soccer practice, kids.
[ Buzzer ]
-"The spells Harry Potter tries
when he thinks no one is looking."
-Erectus giganticus.
[ Buzzer ]
Hermione, Hermione!
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Don't go away. We'll be right back for more
"Whose Line is it Anyway?
Right after this.
-Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" --
The show where everything is made up
and the points don't matter.
Now we're gonna play a game called "Greatest Hits."
This is a game for Ryan, Colin, and Wayne
with the help of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor
on piano and guitar. Guys, come on down.
Now, what I need from the audience
right here is a suggestion.
Can you give me the name of a job
where you get your hands dirty?
[ Shouting suggestions ]
Plumber?
Plumber? Did I hear plumber?
- Plumber! - Plumber.
So the name of your album is "Songs of a Plumber."
Take it away.
-We'll be back to our all-turkey production of
"Hedda Gabler" in just a second.
But today, we have "Songs of the Plumber."
Interesting fact... - Hmm?
- plumber ends with the word "lumber,"
but you don't use the "b."
-Oh, and it starts with --
And it starts with "P"
and so does "poo," and that's what they do.
-Ah!
Anyway, our first artist is actually one of my favorites
who is just, like, burst out the last couple of years
onto the national prominent place to be for singers.
Won an Oscar for "Skyfall." I'm talking of course --
- Is it Christopher Walken? - No.
Adele. The beautiful Adele.
I love her voice.
Oh, as she...
uses it to sing.
So sit back and enjoy this incredible
Adele plumber-related song,
"My Pants Don't Fit and My Crack is Out."
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-♪ There's a place that you've never seen ♪
♪ It's right below my shirt ♪
♪ I know that maybe you're wonderin' ♪
♪ If you see it, a bell just may hurt ♪
♪ The circulation around my waist ♪
♪ It needs to be free ♪
♪ And it gives us ♪
♪ There's a crack ♪
♪ Under my pants ♪
What was it?
♪ There's a crack under ♪
♪ And you can't see it ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Every time you look, don't look too far ♪
♪ Because you might see the shining brown star ♪
♪ Once you look inside, there's no going back ♪
♪ You'll be drunk and deep inside ♪
♪ Oh, 'cause there's a crack ♪
♪ Way down under my back ♪
♪ And you will see it tonight ♪
♪ Because a little bit of my pants are too tight ♪
♪ The crack in the back ♪
[ Laughter, applause ]
-That song does come with a warning.
-Oh, yes.
It is a wise man that follows a shiny brown star.
-Oh, I know.
I like my music a little more edgy.
- Oh, you do? - I love the sounds of
Macklemore.
-Macklemore.
-You're gonna love this song,
'cause I know you have no idea who I'm talking about.
-[ Whispering ] Never touch me.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
Anyway, sit back, and you're gonna love this Macklemore hit,
"I'm Going to Charge You More than a Doctor."
[ Hip-hop music plays ]
-♪ I'm gonna charge you more than a doctor ♪
♪ It feels really good, I'mma charge you more than I oughta ♪
♪ Alright, I walked in, put my snake in my hand ♪
♪ People, you just look at me, she did not understand ♪
♪ She said her husband, he was just chilling out of town ♪
♪ So I said and I introduced myself, sat my kits down ♪
♪ I walked into the bathroom, case was really simple ♪
♪ But I was just thinking that this lady might be nuts ♪
♪ I'm lookin' at her, this place ♪
♪ It was some really good cash ♪
♪ I'm just thinkin' maybe I might charge her a whole stash ♪
♪ Got that my money, I said, "Um, so how far" ♪
♪ Charging her more than the dude that works in the ER ♪
♪ All I do is all day when I wanna rhyme ♪
♪ Click, clock, I'm charging this chick overtime ♪
♪ He's gonna charge you more than a doctor ♪
♪ Might charge, you see ♪
♪ I'm gonna do it ♪ ♪ He might pay more money ♪
♪ Than a doctor, 'cause you get screwed ♪
Second verse.
♪ So I walked in ♪
♪ I'm like blah, blah, blah ♪
♪ All this plumber talk ♪
♪ She didn't understand me at all ♪
♪ I'm like, "I take this, put that, that, that ♪
♪ Flush this ♪
♪ With that girl when I hit ♪
♪ But then I swirl mist ♪
♪ I just wait, wait, wait till the water turns blue ♪
♪ Ha, ha, bitch, I just put one over on you ♪
♪ You don't understand, how can you be ♪
♪ Understand, stand ♪
♪ I'mma charge you more than I charge a doctor ♪
♪ Charge you more I charge a doctor ♪
♪ What? I charge you more than your doctor ♪
Get out of here.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Join me after the break to find out who won tonight's show.
Don't go away!
-Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
That was the end of our show.
I decided that the winners tonight are Colin Mochrie
and Ryan Stiles, and I'd like you to both read
the credits out with our special guest,
Shawn Johnson, as three judges scoring a gymnastics routine.
Thank you and goodnight.
-Oh, it's that Dan Patterson again.
-Oh, he's fallen on the parallel bars.
I'm gonna have to give him a 5.
-Can you give a minus?
I'm gonna give a minus Ryan Stiles.
-Oh, come on, give him a 10.
-Are you supposed to use both rings or just the one?
- Both. - Oh, then I'm giving
Carrie Havel just the one.
-Oh, Danny Breen, he's very good.
- Oh, yes. - Look how he has an extension.
- Yeah. - Is that even a term?
- Jimmy Sprague's in. - Oh, yeah, I saw him.
-How many people are there in the Olympics?
-Oh.
♪♪