-Good evening, everybody,
And welcome to "whose line is it anyway?"
On tonight's show, easy to dance to, wayne brady.
A real toe-tapper, heather anne campbell.
We'll be humming it all night, colin mochrie.
And you call that music? Ryan stiles.
And I'm aisha tyler. Let's make some stuff up!
[ cheers and applause ]
Welcome.
Welcome to the show where everything is made up
And the points do not matter.
We've got a great show for you tonight
So let's get started with a game we call "let's make a date."
This is for all four of our performers,
So if you'd like to come on down and take your positions.
[ cheers and applause ]
Heather, you are a contestant,
And you're looking for love on tv dating show,
And wayne, colin, and ryan
Are the hopefuls that you are choosing from.
However, none of them are the kind of people
That you would expect or ever really want to date.
They've all been given a strange characteristic or identity,
And you're going to question them about
Their suitability for a date and, in the process,
You're going to try to figure out who they are, okay?
So, if everyone's ready, heather, go make a date.
-Bachelor number one, I love poems.
If you were a cereal, which one would you be?
-Well, really, to be a cereal,
Your skin must be smooth as silk
But then would it be raisin and milk?
[ applause ]
Gracias.
No.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
-Bachelor number two,
My favorite animal is the german shepherd.
What do you want as your epitaph?
[ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ]
-First of all, don't judge me 'cause I know what I'm doing.
No matter what people say, I know what I'm doing.
I know exactly.
[ cheers and applause ]
Roses are red, violets are blue. I like you. Let's do it.
[ laughter ]
That's just one of the moves I have.
That is just one of the moves I have.
[ laughter ]
-Bachelor number three,
If you were to pick me up for the perfect date,
What would your favorite song be on that date?
-[ grunts ]
[ laughter ]
"rudolph the red-nosed reindeer," I suppose.
I'd like to sit in that chair, if you wouldn't mind.
-Well, I -- -get out of the chair!
[ laughter ]
Hey!
[ growls ]
[ laughter and applause ]
[ groaning ]
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ] -alright, heather, do you have
Any idea who everyone is?
Want to try and guess?
-Yeah, I think I've got an idea
Of who they were. -Okay.
-Bachelor number one,
You were some kind of latin lover, dancer.
[ buzzer ]
-Yes.
-Bachelor number two, mick jagger?
[ laughter ]
-I'm going to give that to you. I'm giving it to you.
It is not correct, but I'm going to let you have it anyway.
-Alright. And then bachelor number three, you were a moose.
-No. -No?
-No. What do moose go to if they're getting married?
They go to a party with their other moose friends?
-You were..."meece"?
-Yes. Very nice. [ buzzer ]
[ cheers and applause ]
[ indistinct talking ]
And a thousand points to heather anne campbell
For coming up with the word "meece,"
Which, if I'm not mistaken,
Is the plural for mice, not moose.
-Mices.
-Next, we're going to play a game called "props"
Which is for all four of our performers, so come on down.
[ cheers and applause ]
They're divided into two pairs, so, ryan and heather,
These are your props right here,
And, wayne and colin, this is for you.
Divide it up between you equally. Do what you can.
-[ laughs ] probably nothing.
[ laughter ]
-Each of them have a different set of props,
And they've got to use them in as many interesting ways
As they possibly can, okay?
And we're going to start now with ryan and heather.
-Oh, it is so cold in here.
[ laughter ]
-Alright, goliath,
I, david, shall defeat you by throwing this mighty rock.
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
-Probably should have warned the musketeers about the quicksand.
[ laughter ] [ buzzer ]
-I hope they cut the umbilical cord soon.
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
-I'm telling you, lady, this toilet is plugged.
[ laughter ] [ buzzer ]
-[ grunting ]
-A gay mummy. What are the odds?
[ laughter ] [ buzzer ]
-Today, we bury the pinocchio family.
[ laughter ]
[ doorbell rings ]
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
[ both imitating horses galloping ]
-Oh! [ grunts ] -oh, god! Oh! Yes.
-Good jousting. Good jousting. [ buzzer ]
[ laughter ]
-That was the biggest bubble I've ever blown.
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
-See you at the bottom? -Oh, yeah.
[ grunts ]
-Clear!
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
[ cheers and applause ]
[ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ]
-[ exhales sharply ]
Hell, no. [ buzzer ]
[ laughter and applause ]
[ buzzer ]
-Honey, I bought it for you.
It's going to help to make my [bleep] bigger.
-Oh, great.
[ laughter ] [ buzzer ]
-[ panting ]
-Gene simmons.
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
-Have you seen my wood shoes?
-Yeah, I've seen them. [ laughter ]
-Oh, I'm sorry.
[ laughter ]
-You bastard. -[ laughing ] I'm so sorry.
[ laughter ]
I'm so sorry.
[ indistinct talking ]
-Do not go away.
We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?"
Right after this.
-Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?"
Where everything is made up and the points do not matter a bit.
-What? -Come on.
-Come on, you knew that.
Now, we're gonna play a game called "forward rewind"
Featuring all four of our performers
And starting with wayne and colin.
So if you'd like to come on down guys.
[ cheers and applause ]
You guys are going to be acting out a scene,
But at certain points of the scene,
You're going to hear a sound
That's going to instruct you to either move forward
In the scene or rewind the scene,
And I would like to hear those sounds now.
Can we hear them?
-Forward. [ laughter ]
Rewind.
-It's going to be hard to follow.
[ laughter ]
-So your scene is that, colin, you are an explorer
And wayne is your guide,
Helping you find the lost tomb of the aztecs
In the most culturally sensitive way possible.
Ryan is the furious aztec high priest...
-Oh. -...Who wakes up
And puts a curse on you, and heather rushes in as colin's
Passionate girlfriend afraid for his life.
Take it away.
[ laughter ]
-I'm the explorer. Why do you have the horse?
-Lo siento, señor. Stay right here.
-Let's climb up to the top of the tree
And then swing in to the aztec village.
-[ makes whooshing noise ]
-Hold on.
Señor, this is very, very malo.
-It maybe milo.
-No, no. -What?
-No, no. -Who goes there?!
-Oh, it's -- it's -- it's el whitey.
[ laughter ] -[ speaks indistinctly ]
-Yes. Yes. -Rewind.
[ speaks indistinctly ]
[ laughter ]
-It's el whitey. -Who goes there?
-Forward.
-Who goes there? -It's el whitey.
-Rewind. -It's el whitey.
-Who goes there? -Forward.
-Who goes there? -It's el whitey.
-Yes, I heard you. -Oh, no.
-What? -Oh, oh, you are on your own.
-No, you must stay.
-Aah!
[ imitates horse galloping ]
-Rewind.
-[ imitates horse galloping ]
You are on your own. -Forward.
-You are on your own.
[ imitates horse galloping ]
-He'll never escape the throw of my spear.
-No. -[ grunts ]
-Rewind.
-He'll never escape the thing of my spear.
-Forward.
-He'll never escape the throw of my spear.
-Oh, no. I got here too late.
-Great. Well, move it away.
-[ grunts ]
-Sleep. -[ groans ]
-Oh.
-Rewind. -Sleep.
-Forward. -Sleep.
-Rewind. -Sleep.
-Forward. -Sleep.
[ laughter ]
-That's two down, one to go.
-No, you can't stop me. I have here the mystical --
Oh, okay.
-Rewind back to the top. -You can't stop me.
I have the mystical --
-That's two to go. That's two down, one to go.
-[ groans ]
-Sleep. -No.
-I got here too late.
-He'll never escape my spear.
-[ imitates horse galloping ]
[ laughter ]
-No.
Oh, no, señor, no. It's...Whitey.
-Who goes there?
-[ speaks indistinctly ]
-Malo. Muy malo.
[ makes whooshing noise ]
-We'll take the vine up into the tree.
-[ imitates horse whinnying ]
-Why do you have the horse? I'm the leader.
[ imitates horse galloping ]
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
[ cheers and applause ]
-That was extraordinary work all around.
Wayne, you get minus-500 points for el whitey.
-But what about my culturally- sensitive mexican character?
-It was super culturally appropriate.
Totally. Yes.
-El whitey loved it.
[ laughter ]
-Alright, now we're going to play a game called
"three-headed song," and it's for ryan and wayne
Accompanied by laura hall and linda taylor,
So come on down.
And please welcome to the stage our celebrity guest,
Kevin mchale.
[ cheers and applause ]
So, kevin, if you could join wayne and ryan,
The three of you are going to link together
To form a very strange three-headed singer
And I'm sorry about ryan.
There's nothing we can do about that.
They're going to be singing a song one word at a time.
So, what we need is a suggestion from the audience
To complete a song from the musical called
"I love you for your 'blank.'"
-Teeth! -"I love you for your teeth."
So the song is called "I love you for your teeth."
Take it away, three-headed singer.
♪♪
-[ humming ]
-♪ smile ♪ -♪ once ♪
-♪ more ♪ -♪ please ♪
-♪ smile ♪ -♪ sm... ♪
-♪ I'll ♪ -♪ let ♪
-♪ you ♪ -♪ shine ♪
-Mm.
♪ when ♪ -♪ you ♪
-♪ sparkle ♪ -♪ I ♪
-♪ don't ♪ -♪ want ♪
-♪ anything ♪ -♪ but ♪
-♪ you ♪ -♪ and ♪
-♪ your ♪ -♪ bicuspids ♪
[ laughter ]
-♪ gleaming ♪ -♪ at ♪
-♪ your ♪ -♪ face ♪
-♪ I ♪ -♪ bask ♪
-♪ in ♪ -♪ your ♪
-♪ taste ♪ -♪ if ♪
-♪ you ♪ -♪ want ♪
-♪ my ♪
-♪ teeth ♪ -♪ come ♪
-♪ closer ♪ -♪ to ♪
-♪ me ♪ -♪ I ♪
-♪ love ♪ -♪ your ♪
-♪ teeth ♪ -♪ so ♪
-♪ white ♪ -♪ and ♪
-♪ gleaming ♪
-♪ veneers ♪
-Yes. Yes.
-♪ when ♪
-♪ what? ♪ -♪ when ♪
-♪ what? ♪ [ laughter ]
-♪ I'm ♪
-♪ so ♪
-♪ in ♪ -♪ love ♪
-♪ with ♪ -♪ your ♪
-♪ teeth ♪ -♪ in ♪
-♪ love ♪ -[ sings indistinctly ]
-♪ with ♪ -♪ your ♪
-♪ gums ♪ -♪ and ♪
-♪ teeth ♪ -♪ teeth ♪
[ cheers and applause ] [ buzzer ]
-Kevin mchale, everybody.
[ cheers and applause ]
We will be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?"
Right after this.
-Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?"
Where everything is made up and the points don't matter.
Now, we're going to play a game called "greatest hits."
This is a game for colin, ryan, and wayne
With the help of laura hall and linda taylor.
[ cheers and applause ]
Now, ryan and colin are two tv voice-over artists
Talking about the latest compilation album,
And wayne is going to be singing snippets of the song.
So I need a suggestion from the audience here.
So could you give me a place where teenagers hang out?
[ shouting suggestions ]
The mall.
So, let's hear all about this new hit album called "the mall."
-Alright. -Take it away.
-Hi. We'll be back...To watch two bears being shaved.
[ laughter ]
We're having trouble getting programming right now, so --
-No, I'm enjoying it. -Yeah.
-And the fact that they're shaved and they're called
Bears is ironic. -Weird.
But that's not why we're here.
-Why are we here, col?
-We're here to sell you a cd.
An amazing cd with songs about the mall.
-Two songs on 84 cds. [ laughter ]
-Because it's a special.
[ laughter ]
-Disco.
Sorry. -That's alright.
-I'm so sorry.
-Don't get your disco balls in a knot.
-Hey, you know, I used to wear six-inch heels,
Which made me 8'2".
-Wow. -Yes.
When I think disco hits and I think about malls,
I just think of me wanting to get back to my car
And not being able to find my way there.
It's that disco hit, "can't find my way out."
♪♪
-♪ well, I came in the store today ♪
♪ trying to find myself a gift
♪ and I should not have driven myself ♪
♪ and not turned down a lift ♪
♪ and I said, "alright ♪
♪ I'm going to park my car right here ♪
♪ and I'll use a landmark" ♪
♪ but damn, it's dark, and I can't find it anywhere ♪
♪ I'm stuck, stuck, stuck ♪
♪ I'm out of luck ♪
♪ where's my truck? ♪
♪ damn, what's up? ♪
♪ because I'm stuck, stuck, stuck ♪
♪ I'm stuck ♪
♪ is it stuck? ♪
-♪ can't find my way out ♪
-♪ I can't find my way ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪ is it there, there, there, there? ♪
♪ tell me where, tell me where ♪
♪ is it there, there, there, there? ♪
♪ tell me where ♪
♪ because I can't find my way ♪
♪ I don't know which way to go ♪
♪ because I'm stuck ♪
♪ I'm stuck ♪
♪ and I believe the title is ♪
♪ "'cause I can't find my way" ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
-Beautiful. Oh, my gosh.
Oh. -It's wonderful.
This cd comes with the interactive feature
Where you can finish the title of the song
In case the singer forgets it.
[ laughter ]
You know, our next artist,
I know, is a big favorite of yours because we went
To one of her concerts, remember, last year?
-Oh, yes. Yes. -And I'm talking, of course,
About the inimitable lady gaga...
[ cheers and applause ]
...Who must be fun on a date 'cause you could eat her dress.
-Oh, yeah. Yeah, she was born that way.
-Yes. [ laughter ]
Anyway, listen to this lady gaga song,
"there's no smoking here."
♪♪
-Alright, you.
All my monsters.
I want you to be healthy inside and out.
So listen to what I've got to say.
♪ now, deep inside you there's a lung or two ♪
♪ well, I hope there's two ♪
♪ 'cause that would be really screwed up if there was not ♪
♪ hey, I've seen you outside, and there is no joke ♪
♪ inside of these stores there's no room to smoke ♪
♪ you can't smoke ♪
♪ no smoking in here ♪
♪ because, now, smoke is what I fear ♪
♪ you take your cigarette, that's it, and stomp it ♪
♪ I'm asthmatic, so nobody's smoking here ♪
♪ no, I don't want you to ♪ [ panting ]
♪ no, no ♪ [ panting ] ♪ no, no ♪
♪ that's what'll happen if you smoke, smoke ♪
♪ rah ♪
♪ monsters don't smoke ♪
♪ they go, "rah" ♪
♪ monsters don't smoke ♪
♪ they go, "ah" ♪
♪ don't smoke ♪
♪ just dress like this ♪
♪ it kind of balances out ♪
♪ don't smoke ♪
♪ okay, I'm done ♪
♪ time for a smoke ♪ I mean, no.
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
-Don't go away.
We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?"
And I'll tell you who won right after this.
-Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?"
Where the winner of tonight's show is all four of you,
And I can't wait to reward you by asking you to join
Our star guest kevin mchale in reading the credits out
As if you were all teenagers arguing over relationships.
Thank you and goodnight.
[ cheers and applause ]
-I'm really tired of -- -it wasn't my fault.
-Yeah, it was your fault. -It was dan talking, and jimmy.
Oh, and especially wayne.
-That isn't true. -I'm on instagram.
-Well, look at mark leveson.
-Lower the phone. You're on television.
-Why doesn't geraldine call me? -Sarah mcharry and I,
We're the only ones that aren't on twitter. I'm not on twitter.
-Whatever. You should get twitter. Everybody has twitter.
Because heather and kevin and linda and neil,
They all know what you've done. -I will talk to jimmy sprague
In person if I want to talk to somebody.
-And juliet, especially juliet, was so pissed at you.
-Nobody understands me.
-I'm too old to be a teenager. -Michael -- michael --
-Don't tell me about michael. We all know about michael.
[ cheers and applause ]
-- Captions by vitac --