-Good evening, everybody,
and welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
On tonight's show --
"50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," Wayne Brady;
"50 Cents Off," Jonathan Mangum;
"50-Year Anniversary," Colin Mochrie;
and "50 Shades of Grey," it's Ryan Stiles!
And I'm Aisha Tyler! Let's have some fun!
-- Captions by VITAC --
Hey, everybody, welcome.
Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" --
the show where everything's made up
and the points do not matter at all.
We've got a great show for you tonight,
and we are gonna get started right now
with a game entitled "Questions."
It's for all four of our performers...
-Oh, yeah. -...in two pairs.
-I like this one. -Jonathan and Ryan are there.
Colin and Wayne are here.
They're gonna collect their little...
-Oh. -...box of stuff.
The way this game works is that Wayne and Jonathan
are gonna begin a scene,
but they can only speak in questions.
Now, I'll buzz when one of them makes a mistake.
Then the person behind them has to step in and take their place,
but each time they come in,
they have to assume a different character according to the wig
or hat they're wearing on their round and glossy heads.
And here is the scene.
I was really only talking about you two, just you two.
Here's the scene.
"Passions Erupt In A Rough Part Of Town."
[ Laughter ]
-You ready to get with a fly-guy?
-Would you believe I don't want you
to take me to your leader?
-Want to probe me?
-Wouldn't be the first time, would it?
-What's your name?
-Does Paul sound believable?
-Why do you talk like that?
-Du-- aaaah!
[ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ]
-[ British accent ] What's going on?
-Are you in the Sex Pistols?
-Isn't it obvious?
-Want to see a sex pistol?
-Is it a small derringer?
-You ever seen a Gatling gun?
-Don't want to see that. [ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ]
-What's up, baby?
[ Laughter ]
Screw it. That was good. I'm out.
-Yeah, yeah. [ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well done.
-Do my balls need adjusting?
[ Laughter ]
-Do you believe you're in a mirror?
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Ooh, is winter coming?
-Do you like it smooth?
-Do you like it rough?
-I do. [ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ]
-Would you like to see my Vienna sausage?
-Would you like to see my bratwurst?
-Is it the worst of the brats?
-Some would say it's the schnitzel.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ]
-Do you know your hair cost $39.95?
[ Laughter ]
-Do you know I have to return it in the morning?
-Who says? -Who doesn't?
-I thought we were friends.
I thought we were friends?
[ Buzzer ]
-Oh, wow. That was short.
-That was some arousing stuff.
-Yeah. Here we go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I thought we were friends?
-I thought we were friends!?
That's a question, right? -All right, my friends.
We're gonna play a game now entitled "Mixed Messages."
This game is for Colin, Jonathan, and Wayne.
Come on down.
-All right. I'll take it.
-You three are gonna act out a scene,
but the twist for this game is that
Wayne and Jonathan's lines can only be the text messages
that they read from phones that are donated
by incredibly gullible members of our studio audience.
So we asked for some volunteers earlier.
Where are Eric and Hannah?
Eric and Hannah. Come on down, Eric and Hannah,
Come on down.
Here we go.
Eric, you're gonna give your phone to Wayne.
Hannah, you're gonna give your phone to Jonathan, okay?
-Hello. I'll take that.
-All right. So here's how this game is gonna work.
Wayne, you're gonna use Eric's phone,
and, Jonathan, you're gonna use Hannah's phone,
and here is the scene.
"Top Scientist Colin Has Called His Smartest Colleagues --
Ha-ha! -- Wayne And Jonathan, to Ask For Their Help
in Containing a Deadly Virus Outbreak."
Whenever you're ready, take it away.
-Gentlemen, I'm gonna keep this short.
Deadly virus outbreak -- what can we do?
-Hey, want to come eat burritos and watch "Star Trek"?
-No.
It's not Saturday, Frank, so we're not gonna do that.
We're gonna work on this problem we have.
We've got to contain this virus.
-Mm-hmm. Still legal in multiple states.
-Well... [ Laughter ]
...that is true, but we are working to get laws passed.
But there's an outbreak right now.
It's about the city.
We've got to find a way to contain it.
-I'm adopted.
[ Laughter ]
-We don't have time for your crisis right now.
We have to fix this problem.
-All you can get out of mouth with cracked teeth is ga-blow.
[ Laughter ]
-That's right.
The virus does attack the teeth first.
That's when we know we're in trouble.
Once the teeth crack, we've got to stop it right away.
-Sorry, bro. I believe you, though.
You hear I made Mom and Dad take personality tests?
-Whoop, whoop, whoop! -Why did you do that?
Is there a problem? -Fart on my [bleep].
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, my God! You've been contaminated!
If you have a fart on your [bleep], we're in trouble.
Put on the Hazmat suit.
-It's been readily available for days.
-I know.
Oh, my God. That means we're all infected.
-Okay, I'll probably just go home, then.
-No, you can't go home!
We have to stay in here.
I'm going to lock all the doors.
We're going to have to figure out the problem ourselves.
-And I like that. Give it a ringy-dingy.
-All right. I'm gonna have to take some blood.
Just relax. Not from there.
-Coming!
-No, no, I was giving him an injection.
Totally different. -Of course.
That's cool, though, that they did it.
-Yeah.
Are sure you're a scientist?
-Psssssssst!
-Oh, why'd you do that?
-Out with the old.
[ Laughter ]
-Ha-ha! Nice.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Everybody give it up for Eric and Hannah.
Thanks, guys! Eric and Hannah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yay!
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
You know, with the number of times that we've done
that particular game this season,
I'm surprised that's the first time we've had the word
[bleep] in a text. -Yeah.
-Well, correct me if I'm wrong, sir.
It's "Fart on my [bleep], Florida is playing somebody
in football game?" Right? Like...
[ Laughter ]
I just love that that is the hometown saying that you --
"Well, it's been a month of Sundays.
Fart on my [bleep]."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Whoo!
"Can I have another mint julep?"
"Fart on my [bleep]."
[ Laughter ]
-Guys, it's time to play a game now,
entitled, ooh, "Scenes From a Hat."
[ Cheers and applause ]
-It's been a long time since I've done this.
-Ryan and Colin are there, and Wayne and Jonathan are here.
Now before our show, we asked our audience
to write down some scenes they wanted to see acted out
by our fine gentlemen performers.
I've got the suggestions in this hat right here,
so here we go.
"How to Make Your Roommate Move Out."
[ Laughter ]
-Hey, man. -Hey, wh--
-Want to fart on my [bleep]? -No.
[ Buzzer ]
You didn't let me answer.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, good morning.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
-Sshk-sshk-sshk-sshk- sshk-sshk-sshk-sshk.
Kkkkkk, kkkkkkkkk, kkkkkk.
Kkkkkkkk. -Not this again.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter continues ]
-Not even points for -- [Laughs]
-"Not this again"? -This makes no sense.
-I'm gonna end everything with that.
-Yeah, every scene. -Mark my words.
-Every scene and every song. -Every scene.
-"The World's Worst Personal Trainer."
[ Laughter ]
-Close enough.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Pull, pull!
Pull, pull!
-Not this again.
[ Laughter ]
-Drop down and give me two.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ] All right.
[ Laughter ]
-All right. Squats.
-Hmm. -Oh!
-Oh! Oh, no, no.
-Not this again! -Not this again!
[ Laughter ]
-Yes!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Every one, I'm telling you. -That works.
-"What Horror-Movie Characters Do When They're Alone."
[ Laughter ]
-[ Gravelly voice ] Excuse me, ma'am.
May I help you across the street?
[ Growls ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Growls ]
[ Buzzer ]
-[ Mimics creaking ]
Splick!
[ Laughter ]
[ Transylvanian accent ] Now I can go to the beach.
[ Buzzer ] -[ Mimics accent ] To the beach?
-I can go to the beach.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Don't go anywhere.
There's more "Whose Line" right after this.
Stay tuned.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, and welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
where everything is made up and the points don't matter.
We're gonna play a game now entitled "News Flash."
-Oh. -It's for all four
of our performers, so come on down.
Ryan, Wayne, and Jonathan
are three news anchors in the studio.
Colin is in the field as a reporter
covering a breaking-news story.
He doesn't actually know what the news story is, however,
because he's standing in front of a blank screen,
like your weatherman on your local newscast.
But by the magic of television, Ryan, Wayne, Jonathan,
and everyone else watching will see the news story
projected onto the television screen.
And the challenge for Colin is to guess what the news story is.
So here we go over to Ryan,
Wayne, and Jonathan in the studio.
-Oh, we interrupt this program for a special news bulletin.
We're going out into field with Colin Mochrie.
Colin, can you hear us?
-I can barely hear you over the -- this.
-Yeah, Colin, how long have you been hanging out there?
-I've been here just 15 minutes.
It seems to have been going on for hours, though.
-Colin, Colin, I want to know what's going on.
[ Laughter ]
-Take a look. -Well, that's --
-It speaks for itself.
-That sucks. -Yeah.
-That certainly does. -Your job really bites,
but what does it seem like to you?
-It seems, um, something that's just gone way out of control.
-So how long has he been hanging around the set, Colin?
-I'd say maybe 15 hours.
Things have been going wacky for a week around here.
-When you walk up to the door, have you tried nocturnal-ing it?
[ Laughter ]
-You should, Colin, 'cause there's a lot at stake.
-Yeah, yeah, as you can see,
things are starting to get crazy.
I'm actually worried for my life.
-I feel so sonar for you right now. Oh.
-Do you have any real words to say?
[ Laughter ]
-Colin, do you think that he thinks of the word "fruit"
in a pejorative manner, or is he okay with it?
-What the hell is wrong with you guys?!
Whatever happened to "What's happening?
Do you feel like you're in danger?"
-[ Coughing ]
I'm sorry, Colin. That was me "coffin."
[ Laughter ]
-Colin, it looks like you're really putting your neck
on the line on this assignment.
-I am.
[ Laughter ]
-Colin, you sound a little stuffy.
You should blow your nose-feratu.
[ Laughter ]
-Feratu? Just feratu?
-Just feratu or us three? -Okay, yeah, that works.
-Oh, hand me a crowbar.
[ Buzzer ]
-All right, Colin, would you like to guess?
-I got to say it's some kind of vampire thing?
-Yeah! [ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Wow. You're some bad actors, you know that?
-Yeah, I think it was time to just end it.
-I was excited to learn that bats like broccoli.
-It's because of the chemical composition of the bro...
[ Mumbles gibberish ]
[ Laughter ]
-All right.
Now we play a game entitled "Props."
This is for all four of our performers, in two pairs.
-I think we got the better of the two.
-Ah, yes. -Ryan and Jonathan,
these are for you. -Oh, really? Okay.
-And Wayne and Colin -- ah! -- these are for you.
Hello. All right.
Each of them has a different set of props, as you can see.
They got to use them in as many exciting ways
as they possibly can, so whenever you're ready,
Ryan and Jonathan, take it away.
-Hey, Snuffleupagus. -Hi, Bird.
Hi, Big Bird. [ Buzzer ]
-What do you want?
It's a strip club at 3:00 in the afternoon.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ]
-What do you want?
It's a strip club at 3:00 in the afternoon.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Ooh, Urethra, them earrings is bangin'.
-Urethra's.
[ Buzzer ]
-Clear! -Ugh!
Thank you. -You're welcome.
[ Buzzer ]
-Wow. Matching [bleep].
[ Laughter ]
-Wow. Matching [bleep].
-They're tapered. -Yes.
[ Buzzer ]
-[ Russian accent ] Welcome to Kremlin.
-Ah!
[ Buzzer ]
-This cave has both.
[ Laughter ]
Stalactites... -I see what you're saying.
-...and stalagmites. [ Buzzer ]
-I see what you're saying.
-This cave has stalactites and stalagmites.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ]
-I don't know what the [bleep] it is, but it looks great.
[ Buzzer ]
-Welcome to the first annual RuPaul Olympics.
[ Buzzer ]
-Oh, no, we got one more. -Oh, no.
They got one. They got one. They got one.
Go, go, go, go, go.
-Kkkkkkkk! Kkkkkkkk! Kkkkkkk!
[ Buzzer ]
-There you go. -There you go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, don't go anywhere.
There's more "Whose Line" right after this.
Stay tuned.
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
And now it's time to play a game entitled "Greatest Hits."
This is a game for all four of our performers.
We have Laura Hall and Linda Taylor
on piano and guitar.
Now, the way that this game works is that Ryan and Colin
are two television voice-over personalities
talking about the latest compilation album.
Wayne and Jonathan are gonna sing snippets
of the songs on that album.
So what I need right now --
what is a job where you drive a vehicle?
What's a job where you drive a vehicle, any kind of vehicle?
Oh, yeah!
Lots -- lots of good suggestions,
a veritable wall of sound.
-Uh-huh. -But somewhere in there,
I heard astronaut, so...
-Astronaut? -...the name of this album
is "Songs of the Astronaut."
Take it away.
-Hi. We'll be back to our documentary
on the world's smartest dinosaur,
Thesaurus, in just a second.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, that burrito coming back on you?
-Yeah, a little bit.
[ Laughter ]
-Then it's a good thing you did that
because our CD collection celebrates the astronaut.
-I didn't know! I didn't know that.
What a coinkydink. -Okay.
-I'm okay. I'm all right.
Something exploded out of me.
-Yeah. -It might be the burrito.
-That might be.
Anyway, one of the great things about this CD album is the --
of course, the many incredible artists,
but there's joining of two incredible super groups.
Try to focus. I'm talking.
-Okay, I'm sorry.
-I'm talking, of course, of Run-DMC and Aerosmith.
-Oh, my God! Two -- one of -- I don't know.
-All right. No, that's all right.
I'll take it from here. -All right.
-No, thanks for the help. -Uh-huh.
-It's really helping me out. No, I'll take it.
You just garble your speech a little longer.
So sit back and enjoy this great Aerosmith-Run-DMC song,
"Houston, We've Got a Problem."
♪♪
-Oh!
-Yo! -Yo!
-Hey! -Hey!
-Hey, hey, hey!
♪ I was out on the gantry I was going up ♪
-♪ Bad news, Run, I said, "Yo, what's up?" ♪
-♪ I didn't see How can it be? ♪
-♪ Something is a problem, looking at me ♪
♪ What I'm gonna do? How I'm gonna fix this error? ♪
-♪ I don't understand But now I'm in terror ♪
♪ There were flames around the wing ♪
♪ Maybe being an astronaut just wasn't my thing ♪
♪ Houston, we got a problem ♪
-♪ Houston, we got a problem! ♪ -♪ Houston, we got a problem! ♪
-♪ Houston! ♪ -♪ And it goes like this ♪
-♪ Huh! Gas is leaking right out the back ♪
-♪ You don't understand I get no flack ♪
♪ The capsule comes down, lands in the sea ♪
-♪ In space, there is me ♪
♪ And you, looking down at Texas ♪
-[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
-We got a problem! -We got a problem!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-One of the few states you can't rhyme.
-Yeah.
-Texas. -Flexes.
-Exes. -Sexist.
-Too late now.
[ Laughter ]
-Hey, do you remember when new wave came out?
-Uh-huh. -Good, 'cause we have
a great new-wave song here --
"One Small Step For --" -1982.
-We almost got through the damn thing.
-Oh, I'm sorry. Do the title.
I'm sorry I interrupted you. -"One Small Step For Man."
♪♪
[ Both mimicking rocket hiss ]
-♪ Here we are on the surface ♪
♪ The surface of the moon ♪
♪ Here we are I'm getting nervous ♪
♪ Aldrin going down too soon ♪
-♪ Here we are Here we are ♪
-♪ Here we are ♪ -♪ Look at me ♪
-♪ Floating through this place ♪
♪ In zero "G"s ♪ -♪ Zero-G ♪
-♪ That is right You know it was our plan ♪
♪ This is a first step for man ♪
-♪ First step, first step ♪
♪ First step, first step ♪
-♪ For mankind, kind, kind, kind, kind ♪
♪ Kind, kind, kind, kind, kind, kind, kind... ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Find out who won our show after this very short break.
There's more "Whose Line" right after this.
-Hey, everybody, welcome back to "Whose Line."
That is our show tonight.
All four of you have won the day,
so please read out the credits
as if you were all the world's most unattractive people
in a photo booth looking directly into the camera.
Thanks for watching, everybody.
Good night.
-All right, you guys.
Come on in.
Get in, everyone.
Gather 'round.
Get in here. Get in the photo booth.
Everybody's got to get in together.
Come on.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Everybody, different turn now.
Click. And another.
Click. And one more.
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]