-Good evening, everybody, and welcome
to "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
On tonight's show, incomparable Wayne Brady,
inexhaustible Jeff Davis,
inexplicable Colin Mochrie,
and incredible Ryan Stiles.
And I'm Aisha Tyler! Let's have some fun!
[ Cheers and applause ] Whoo!
Oh, I almost fell and died.
Oh, I almost perished.
Welcome, everybody to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" --
the show where everything is made up
and the points do not matter. [ Laughter ]
We've got a great show for you tonight.
So, let's get started with a game that we call,
"Questions."
This is for all four of our performers...
-That's us. -...in two pairs.
Jeff and Ryan are over there. Colin and Wayne over here.
You're going to come down and collect your hats and your wigs.
Now, the way that this game is going to work
is that Wayne and Jeff are going to begin a scene,
but they can only speak in questions.
I'll buzz when one of them goes wrong,
and then the person behind them has to step in
to take their place, but each time they come in,
they've got to assume a different character,
according to the wig or hat that they are wearing
on their round and slightly watery heads.
So, the scene that you'll be acting out
is that passions erupt at a company barbeque.
Take it away...
Wayne and Jeff.
[ Laughter ]
-Hey, man. Where's that potato salad at?
[ Laughter ] -What did you say?
-Can't you see I'm a fly, and I like to eat that [bleep]?
-Have you ever seen a dog who makes that [bleep]?
-I think -- oh, ooh...
[ Buzzer, laughter ]
-Care for a cock...tail?
-What? -Cocktail, I said cocktail.
-Would you like a footlong hotdog?
-Oh, would I? -And this?
-Oh. [ Chuckles ]
Oh. [ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter, applause ]
-Who ordered the pizza?
-Who brought the salami?
-What up, dog?
[ Buzzer ]
-[ Exhales sharply ]
What's up, home slice?
-Ah-ha. Would you like some aspirin for that?
-Do you have one? -Do I?
-Do you know how hard this is to take out?
-Do you know I just poured all my aspirin on the ground,
because you took your hand away?
-Was I supposed to notice that?
-How crazy do you think I would have to be to not know
that you did something stupid when you did something stupid?
-What?
[ Laughter, applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Why do we sit in makeup and hair for 4 hours
and this is the first [bleep] game we do?
[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
-First time at the company picnic?
-Never been -- uh, ah, damn!
[ Buzzer ]
-Was there a fire going on here earlier?
-Do you mean here? -Yes, I...
[ Buzzer ] God! We're terrible!
We're terrible! -No...
[ Laughter ]
-You like piña coladas?
-Compared to what?
-Any...God!
[ Buzzer, laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I don't know what's going on, this side of the room.
-I'm going to get this one. -Get him.
-I'm going to get this one. -Go get him, Jeff. Get him.
Get him.
[ Laughter ]
-Carl, is that you?
-Whose Carl?
-Haven't you ever had a friend?
[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Want a lick? [ Laughter ]
-Want to...
braise my beef?
-Well, aren't you brazen? What's your name?
-Moo.
-Is that French?
[ Buzzer, laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Have you seen my husband?
-How would you feel about stuffing me?
[ Laughter, applause ]
I'm just going to go over here. [ Buzzer ]
[ Buzzer continues ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I'm so glad we didn't have to worry about the hair
and makeup part. -Yeah, we're fine.
-What's wrong with my hair? [ Laughter ]
Why is that getting such a big laugh?
Never cut your own hair. -Mnh-mnh.
Obviously, the points all go to Ryan
for just injecting some varieté into that experience.
-But I had a big cow head on,
so, you don't know I said [bleep].
[ Laughter, applause ] -Oh.
-Oh. [ Chuckles ] -God, I just did it again.
-And now, my friends, we play the game we call,
"Weird Newscasters." -Oh.
-This is for all four of our performers.
Come on down! [ Cheers and applause ]
In this game, Colin is the anchor of a news program,
and Jeff, Ryan, and Wayne are his co-anchors.
Each of them is a strange or unusual character.
So, Jeff you are the co-anchor, who is also a desperate salesman
trying to sell Colin's body parts.
[ Laughter ]
Ryan will be the sportscaster,
whose also Ryan Stiles
going backwards through his life.
That should feel familiar.
And Wayne is the weather forecaster
whose acting out the history of video games in 30 seconds.
Oh, my gosh, take it away.
[ TV news music plays ]
♪♪
-Welcome to the 6 o'clock news,
I'm Theo, comes before the "P."
[ Laughter, applause ]
Our top story tonight,
9 out of 10 people who hate revolving doors,
come 'round eventually.
[ Laughter, applause ]
[ Shouts ]
Don't we see what's happening elsewhere
with our new co-anchor Smiley.
-Thank you, Riley!
It's the Riley and Smiley Hour, top story tonight, Riley,
you're dying and we're going to harvest your organs!
-Yay! [ Cheers and applause ]
-[ Imitates saw whirring ]
Who couldn't use a partially-used brain?
[ Laughter ]
What do I have to do, everybody? What do I have to do?
Pardon me... [ Imitates cutting ]
...to get you into this partially- functioning
colon tonight? [ Laughter ]
$70 takes this colon away, for you, madame!
Back to you, Colin.
-Someone actually grabbed it.
[ Laughter ]
Let's see what's happening in the world of sports!
-Hey, how about those Rams this year,
didn't they suck this year?
But great a few years back.
-[ Imitates rewinding ]
I hope this doesn't look like [bleep].
[ Laughter ]
Oh, geez, Gary, I'd like to go, but I got to go shoot
"Whose Line" in the morning, yeah.
Back -- Back 5 years.
Oh, uh, yeah, no, I --
Yeah, I'd like to go, but I have to shoot
"Whose Line" in the morning. [ Laughter ]
Oh, that sounds like fun, but I've got to go shoot
"Whose Line" in the morning.
I hope this doesn't look like [bleep].
Meh. Meh. Meh.
[ Laughter, applause ]
-[ Laughs ]
-It's funny, because it's true.
[ Laughter ]
Now, let's see what's happening with the weather with Ted.
-Thank you so much, Colin.
Oh, the weather, I'm so excited,
from the East coast to the West coast,
there is a pressure front all the way over here.
And then it's moving up.
And it all depends, you know the score.
But, let's see if the Colorados are frozen this year.
Then, we're going to have to just...blup, blup...
and warp over here.
And then we're all going to have to move through other...
Rawr!
Rampage, all across America.
The problem is, if everyone does not stay inside,
you will, "It's a me," your weather forecaster.
Boing! And then spring will happen.
Boing!
And after spring,
then everything will look so much better.
Hadoken... [ Laughter ]
...is what I'll have to sing when I go outside.
It'll be a great day... [ Imitates Zombie ]
...for all of the residents, here, in evil.
Ahhh! Ahhh!
[ Imitates Mortal Kombat ]
Pick your weather forecaster.
[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
-Well, that's the 6 o'clock news.
Goodnight and good news.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-We'll see you guys again right after this break.
Don't go anywhere.
-Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
We're going to keep things moving now
with a game called, "Film Dub."
This is for all four of our gentleman players.
Come on down. Check out the screen.
The way this works is that we took an old piece of film,
we removed all the dialogue,
and now, Ryan, Colin, Jeff, and Wayne
are going to revoice the clip using their imaginations.
So, the scene I'd like you to improvise is called,
"One Day at the Psychiatrists."
-[ Sighs ] Why won't you let me out of this place?
It's been 4 hours! You can't keep me here forever!
-Ah, interesting.
-I don't care, I'm going to start swearing,
and there's children in the next room!
Let me out of this [bleep] place!
[Bleep]. [ Laughter ]
-Hi. I was upstairs sharpening my breasts, what's wrong?
[ Laughter ]
-Interesting.
-What's wrong with my hair?
-Those -- Those breasts, they are very sharp, indeed.
[ Laughter ]
They need to place little round stoppers on each end,
to stop you from poking their eyes...
-Listen.
My breasts are sharp, and I know what to do with them.
-Get out of my house, now!
-Go [bleep] yourself.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm leaving now. I'm leaving. -No, don't go without me.
-Don't say, no, you told me to get out of the house.
-No. No. -Get away from me!
-No. -Get away. Kiss me, I mean.
I mean, kiss me. Oh, my God, tongue.
-Oh! You flattened my breasts!
[ Laughter, applause ]
[ Crying ] -The strippers are here!
-I'll give you a first-class ticket to ass-pound town.
[ Laughter, applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Am I in error in saying that someone said the phrase,
ass-pound town?
-Yes, my character said, "I will give you a first-class ticket
to ass-pound town."
-I'm glad, because I didn't quite understand
the context of ass-pound town.
-Oh. Oh, it's a threat, not a destination.
[ Laughter, applause ]
-Alright, everybody, now we're going to play a game called,
"Scenes From a Hat."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ryan and Colin, you are there.
Wayne and Jeff, you are here.
And before our show, we asked our audience
to write down scenes they would like to see acted out
by our sensational gentleman performers.
I've got those suggestions in this hat.
I'm going to read them out, we're going to see what you guys
can come up with, here we go.
"Weird things for a wedding photographer to say."
-Alright, bride, groom, please line up, let's, uh --
That's great.
Bride, oh,
damn, look at that ass. -Oh. [ Chuckles ]
-Alright.
-You might want to get a wider lens on there.
-Yeah! [ Chuckles ]
Wop, wop! [ Laughter ]
You're a lucky man. [ Buzzer ]
Mazel.
[ Laughter, applause ]
-Alright, let's get some of the bride.
Let me, uh, turn down these lights a bit,
I didn't think you'd have the nerve to wear white.
[ Laughter ] -Oh-ho!
-[ Laughs ]
-Yes! Yes! [ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ]
-Have you ever taken a selfie? [ Buzzer ]
-It's hard with the big cameras. -[ Laughs ]
"Law enforcement raids in fairy tales."
-[ Imitates door knocks ]
[ Imitates megaphone ] Little old lady in the shoe.
I'm from child protective services.
-She's next door. -Oh, my bad.
[ Buzzer, laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Now, we found some shell over here
and a yolk about a half a block down.
-What about the king's horses?
-Nah, they can't do [bleep].
[ Buzzer, laughter ]
-[ Imitates knocking down door ] -Go, go, go, go.
-Clear! Clear! Clear! Clear! -Clear.
[ Imitates knocking down door ] -Put the porridge down!
Put the porridge down! -Hey!
[ Buzzer, laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-"Things you wouldn't want your mother to say to you."
-[ Sighs ] -Oh, the list.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Groans ]
M-M-Mama's going to be leaving you now, Timmy.
-Oh, no. -I just want you
to be a good man to your wife. -Yeah.
-Like your father was to me,
5 times a week.
[ Laughter, applause ]
He would do things to me that would make my eyes
roll up in the back of my head.
You were conceived on the very first...
-[ Retching ] [ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
-Were you Marlon Brando?
-[ Chuckles ] Yes.
-Power's out.
[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-"If Dr. Suess was a news anchor."
[ Laughter ]
-Here's some news you may not have read.
20 in Kansas, dead, dead, dead.
[ Laughter ]
Hurricane hit them high and low,
they're dead, because they were slow.
[ Laughter, applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
Don't go anywhere guys, we'll be right back with more
"Whose Line is it Anyway?" right after this.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
We're going to keep things moving on
with a game that is called "Greatest Hits."
This is a game for all four of our performers
with the help of the fantastic Laura Hall
and Linda Taylor on piano and guitar.
Now, the way this game works
is that Ryan and Colin are two television voiceover artists,
and they are chatting about the latest compilation album.
Now, I need a suggestion from the audience here.
Can you give me a job where you would work with food?
[ Shouting suggestions ]
Okay, so, I think, I heard someone yell out, meat...
[ Laughter ]
-Meat? -Yes!
-...which is not a job, meat.
Hi. What do you do for a living?
Meat. [ Laughter ]
But, uh, butcher...
a butcher would work with meat. -Butcher.
Alright, yeah. -So, why don't we try that?
-Meat. -The name of your album is,
"Songs of the Butcher."
-Oh. -Yes, take it away.
-Hi, we'll be right back to our documentary about people
who fear giants and fee-fi-phobia in just a second.
[ Laughter ]
You know, about, I guess, oh, I don't know, maybe, 60 years ago.
-Oh, when we first started this show.
-Yeah.
A think tank of hillbillies got together.
-They're called republicans. [ Laughter ]
-No, no, and so, rockabilly was born.
And, of course, meat and rockabilly
goes together like you and me. -Mm.
[ Laughter ]
-So, sit back and enjoy this great rockabilly song --
"Mystery Meat."
[ Rockabilly music plays ]
♪♪
[ Cheers ]
-♪ Hey, now, Wayne, over there ♪
♪ At the butcher counter ♪
♪ I need something to eat ♪
♪ I've filled up on all kinds of junk food ♪
♪ And lately, I don't want something sweet ♪
♪ What I want you to do for me ♪
♪ Is cut up that ground round ♪
♪ Because if you don't do it ♪
♪ I'm going to take you to ass-pound town ♪
[ Laughter ]
-♪ Well, well, it's a treat ♪
♪ You don't know what you're going to eat ♪
-♪ Oh, ho, ho ♪ -♪ It comes from the front ♪
♪ Or from the seat, it's mystery meat ♪
♪ You got dark and white and everything in the middle ♪
♪ Shut your mouth, put it right on the griddle ♪
♪ Oh, good golly, Lord, e'body, it's a mystery meat ♪
-♪ I said ♪
♪ It's a mystery, a mystery to me ♪
-♪ To you, it's a mystery ♪
♪ Mystery ♪ -♪ Mystery ♪
♪ What's in it? I just can't see ♪
-♪ I don't know, do you know? ♪
♪ Nope, you'll never know, and that's how I make my dough ♪
♪ Because you see ♪
♪ I'm selling mystery meat ♪
-♪ Well, I'm going to eat this, you better give me some towels ♪
♪ Later on, this is going to cut up my bowels ♪
-♪ That's right, from the seat ♪
♪ The root-a-toot-a-toot-a, the back to the shooter ♪
♪ Because I know that you love ♪
♪ That mystery meaaaaaat ♪
There you go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Is that the song you were thinking?
-That's it. Later on, that meat is going to cut my bowels.
[ Laughter ]
-You know, I love a good jug band.
-Do you? -Yes.
-Well, that's... -I-I can play a jug.
Anybody can play a jug.
If you can find a jug. Where do you get a jug?
-You're just so...I find you fascinating soul patch Sam.
[ Laughter ]
-You like it?
-No, it's like you were trying to grow a goatee,
you just ended up with a goat.
-Well...[Chuckles].
-[ Laughs ]
-I'm just laughing to make you feel better.
You know... [ Laughter ]
...you know, when I think jug band songs,
how -- how many would you say there are?
-I think, last count, there was 75.
-Well, here's a jug, why don't you play a little jug for me?
-But, there's professionals to play the jug.
-I want to see how an amateur plays a jug, is that okay?
-Alright.
Glug, glug, glug. -No!
No, no, sit back,
relax for that jug -- jug band hit --
"Chicken or Beef."
[ Jug band music plays ]
-[ Imitating playing jugs ]
♪ Hoo, oh, hoo, hoo, hoo, oh, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo ♪
♪ Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo ♪
-♪ Now lady, lady, look at you in line ♪
♪ Oh, looking at you, when I know that you were fine ♪
♪ But please hurry up, because my time is ticking ♪
♪ Tell me beef, or is it chicken? ♪
-♪ Beef or chicken, what's it going to be? ♪
♪ Feed that little bitty critter to me ♪
♪ I'm your man, and you're my girl ♪
♪ If I don't get beef or chicken ♪
♪ I'ma going to eat some squirreeeeeeel ♪
-♪ Squirreeeeeeeeel ♪
-♪ I'ma going to eat some squirrel ♪
-♪ Squirrel ♪
♪ Hoo, oh, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo ♪
♪ Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo ♪
-♪ Ain't no venison, ain't no nothing ♪
♪ Because I don't like it unless it's clucking ♪
♪ Do you like it, gizzards won't do ♪
♪ I want something that comes on the hoof ♪
-♪ Well give me something sweet, something to munch ♪
♪ You remind me of Sam the butcher ♪
♪ From Brady Bunch ♪
Hey. Come here, Toby. ♪ I want relief ♪
♪ You got to give me either chicken or some ♪
♪ Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, chicken, chicken, chicken ♪
♪ Chicken, chicken, chicken ♪ -♪ Chicken ♪
-♪ Chicken, chicken, chicken ♪ -♪ Chicken, chicken, chicken ♪
♪ Chicken, chicken, chicken ♪ -♪ Chicken, chicken, chicken ♪
-♪ Chicken or beef ♪
♪ Wooooooooo ♪
Thank you.
[ Buzzer, cheers and applause ]
-Find out who won our show, after this short break.
There's more "Whose Line,"
right after this.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
That's our show.
Tonight our winner is Jeff Davis,
so, I'd like you to join the others
and read out the credits
as if you are a stressed-out doctor
desperately trying to save the camera's life.
Thanks for watching, everybody. Goodnight.
-Oh, my God, help her. Help.
-Team, come on.
I need 20 cc's of Dan Patterson right now.
-I'm a choreographer.
-Well, then, dance, monkey, dance!
-It's fainting, it's fainting, it's falling down.
-Clear! [ Imitates electric shock ]
-Here, I'll help.
I'm not a doctor, but I just happen to be around.
-Oh, my God. -How does that feel? Yeah.
-Follow the light. Go into the light.
[ Cheers and applause ]