-Good evening, everybody,
and welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
On tonight's show,
special edition Wayne Brady,
director's cut Heather Anne Campbell,
deleted scene Colin Mochrie,
and blooper reel -- it's Ryan Stiles.
And I'm Aisha Tyler. Let's make some stuff up!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes. Ta-da!
Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?," everybody --
the show where everything is made up
and the points don't matter one bit.
We have got a sensational show for you tonight,
and I cannot wait to get it started
with a game that is called "Let's Make a Date."
This is for all of our performers.
Come towards me.
Heather is appearing on a dating show
and Ryan, Colin, and Wade are the contestants
who are praying she will choose one of them
and end their lives of lonely misery.
Each of them has been given a strange characteristic
or identity, and what Heather has to do
is question them for their suitability for a date
and, in the process, try to establish who these people are.
So if you are ready,
Heather, off you go and make yourself a date.
-Uh, so, Bachelor Number 1,
if you were a type of food,
what kind of food and what would the consistency be?
-[ Imitates hair dryer ]
Bah!
[ Warbling like Chewbacca ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I made a recording of myself sleeping once,
and that's what it sounded like.
Bachelor Number 2, what's your favorite pet?
-Well, of course I'm partial to goldfish.
I love the little -- the little darlings,
the way they --
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!!
-[ Warbles like Chewbacca ]
-Oh, my God, another one!
Oh!
Oh, no!
No!
We're going down!
[ Laughter and applause ]
I've got nothing else to shove in something!
-Wow, you're going down.
I wish -- I wish --
Never mind.
Bachelor Number 3, what would your job be
if you could have any job in the world?
-Hmm.
Hmm?
Hmm.
You better go to number one.
This is gonna take quite some time.
-Bachelor -- Bachelor Number 1,
can you demonstrate your favorite dance for me?
-[ Warbling ]
-Oh, that's -- that's nasty. I like it.
-[ Warbling ]
-Bachelor Number 2 -- Bachelor Number --
Bachelor Number 2,
what is your greatest fear in life?
-It's happening right now.
-Oh, alright, alright, alright.
Uh-huh.
-Bachelor Number 3...
[ Laughter ]
-Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Oh, I can't --
I can't help but laugh, putting my hands on my belly!
Ho ho ho! Ho -- ho -- ho -- ho! I didn't say feel me up!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha!
-You know, I think -- I think I have a --
I think I have a pretty good idea who you guys might be.
Bachelor Number 1,
are you a wookiee named Chewbacca?
-Yes. And -- -And?
-He is a wookiee named Chewbacca
and what might he have been getting ready to go do?
-A date!
-Yeah!
[ Buzzer ]
-Bachelor Number 2,
after I saw you plugging all those holes,
you could only be on a submarine.
-Yeah! [ Buzzer ]
-Wow! -Wow!
-Bachelor Number 3 -- a.k.a. "Floating Head in a Coat."
-Yes.
-He's a floating head in a coat looking for a body!
-Yeah! [ Buzzer ]
-A sexy body!
You, Mr. Floaty Head on a Coat.
Let me see.
What did you do, Mr. Floaty Head on a Coat?
-What?
-Disembodied head of an evil genius
looking for a sexy new body.
-Oh, great. Great. -Yeah.
-And I found one!
[ Laughter ]
-Let's move on to more intellectual pursuits
with a game entitled "Sound Effects."
This is a game for Ryan and Colin, so come on down.
We're gonna need the help
of two volunteers from the audience.
♪ Who's it gonna be? ♪
What's your name?
-Nicole. -Go on up there, Nicole.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ooh! What's your name?
-Regina. -Regina, come with me-e-e-e-e.
Take this microphone.
-Watch your step.
-Alright! -Hello!
-Nicole and Regina. -Hello.
-So the way this game works is that Ryan and Colin
are gonna perform a scene, and Nicole and Regina
are gonna provide the sound effects but when prompted.
So, Nicole, you'll do them for Colin.
Regina, you'll do them for Ryan.
Watch the scene,
and when it seems like they need you to make a noise,
do your very best.
And this scene is going to be that Ryan and Colin
are two hunters in a haunted forest
who suddenly get attacked by vampires and werewolves.
[ Laughter ]
-First time in the Haunted Forest?
-Yeah. I brought my scary gun. -Oh, did you?
-Yeah. Wasn't sure what we'd come across here.
-I'd better make sure mine's loaded.
-Alright. -Pfshh, pfshh, pfshh.
-Well, the air freshener's in there, so that's alright.
-I brought a shotgun. -Oh, yeah?
-Yeah. All ready to go. -Pyah.
Oh.
I -- I -- I think it might have just fired.
-Okay, you know what? -I'm not sure, though.
-We're a little nervous.
I'm gonna see if I can hit that tree over there.
-Pahchoo.
-You alright?
-I'm allergic to something in the Haunted Forest.
-Maybe you shouldn't be hunting. Why don't you take the day off?
Are you alright?
-No, we're -- we're here to catch some haunted thing.
-Alright.
Hey, how about we have a couple brewskies before we start?
-Alright. -Pkew.
-Oh, it sounded like -- sounded like your gun!
There we go. Cheers. -Cheers.
-[ Slurp! ]
[ Slurping ]
-I just open up my throat and down it goes.
-Yeah!
You know what? Not only is this place spooky, it's quiet!
-Because it's haunted! -Oh!
-All the sounds would be scared and run away!
-Oh, my God!
-Vampire!
Gliding silently through the night!
-I think we'd better maybe try to get some help here.
I'll bring out my old horn!
-Rrroarrr.
-There's a kitten in there!
-[ High-pitched squeal ]
-Wait! The vampire is coming!
I'll make a cross with these two branches.
-Yes!
-Just break off this branch... -Psshh!
-...break off this one. -Psshh!
-Boy, this sneezing is really getting bad!
-Those would have been great sounds for our beers!
-Yeah! Look! The vampire is turning away!
-He sure did!
-Yup!
-Wow! This is an exciting forest!
Let's say we camp for a little while along this babbling brook.
-Yeah, I think if we get -- -Beside this babbling brook!
-Fffsshhh, shhhh. -Bl-bl-bl-bl.
-Everything sounds like your [bleep] gun!
-Hey! What are you upset with me for?!
-You heard me! I'm sorry I'm upset!
[ Buzzer ]
-Thank you. -Thank you.
-Nicole and Regina, everybody! Thank you!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, guys.
We've got more "Whose Line" for you right after this.
Don't go anywhere!
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
We're gonna move on now to a game entitled "Questions."
This is a game for all four of our performers
in two pairs. Come on down.
-This one's fun.
-Wayne and Heather there, Colin and Ryan here.
Get your boxes of stuff. -Come on, Heather.
-The way this game works is that
Wayne and Heather are gonna begin a scene,
but they can only speak in questions
and I will buzz when one of them
makes a mistake, and then the person behind them
is gonna step in to take their place.
And the scene you'll be acting out, my friends,
is entitled "Passions Erupt..." -Of course.
-"...at a Busy Airport."
-Where is the C Gate?
-Can you see me?
-Are you a pencil eraser?
-Have you seen one this big before?
Or this black?
Or this big and black? And furry?
-Is that what you'd call big?
-Ohh!
-Yes!
[ Buzzer ]
-Does size matter?
-Yes!
[ Buzzer ]
-Having a good day, sir?
-Why wouldn't I?
-What's with the tiny hat?
-What's with the big attitude?
-Are you Canadian?
[ Buzzer ]
-Where's my mommy?
[ Buzzer ]
Have you seen my mommy?
Are we supposed to take a flight together?
-Is she the one that told me -- don't tell him where I went?
-That would sound like her.
[ Buzzer ]
-Good God!
-Are you -- [ Buzzer ]
Are you a beekeeper?
-Can't you see I was just married?
-Where's your husband?
-Where is my husband? -I asked you first.
-Why are you playing games with me?
[ Buzzer ]
-Do you have a boarding pass?
-Do I [beep]
-Why are you so [beep] sensitive?
[ Buzzer ]
There will be no letters for you!
-Points for everybody
and then a few extra points to Ryan and Wayne
for dipping the toe into the edges of edginess.
-Mm. She's drunk. -I'm drunk.
Prepare to play a game now that's entitled "Whose Line?"
This game is for Ryan and Colin.
Before the show, we asked our audience
to write down some random line suggestions
they'd like to hear and we've chosen them.
Colin, these are yours. Ry, these are yours.
-Thank you.
-Pull them out of your pockets during your scene
in whatever way you'd like to use them.
And here is the scene that you are acting out.
You are on the Titanic and as it sinks,
Jack, played by Ryan, tries to persuade Rose --
Colin -- to escape with him to God knows where.
Enjoy!
-Rose! -Yeah?
-Rose! -I'm right here!
-Oh, I didn't see you. The water's coming up.
-Oh, so I guess you're not painting me.
-No. We don't have time for that, Rose.
-Oh! The water! We're gonna die.
-Well, one of us is. I've got the lifejacket.
-Oh, shouldn't you give the woman the life--
-I don't think it will support you.
It's made for my weight.
-Oh!
-I'm a coward, Rose. I'm a coward.
I don't want to die. I have a lot to live for.
-Wait! Are you saying I'm fat?
-No, Rose. You're not fat.
You're the most beautiful woman in the world.
As a matter of fact, when I think of you,
I just think one thing -- it hurts when I pee.
'Cause, you know -- -Yeah. I understand. Yeah. Wait.
-I'm king of the world. Remember that?
Oh -- ow! -Yeah.
I knew I should not have come on this boat!
Just before I -- I got on, my mother looked at me.
She said, "Your mom was great last night."
-What? Bragging?
-She talks about herself in the third -- first person.
-Why was she bragging like that?
-I don't know.
She was on the captain's deck.
-Let's jump, Rose.
Oh, that guy just hit the propeller!
-Oh! -Look at him spin!
-That's gonna smart!
-Wow! That guy's not gonna make it.
-No.
-Oh, that was stupid.
-Rose. -What?
-There's my mother.
My mother was on this cruise.
Why didn't I know that, Rose? Mom! Mom!!
I've been sent from the future to -- to destroy you!
I'm sorry. I'm going a little crazy, Rose.
I didn't see my mother and I wasn't sent by the future.
-I know. Let's jump in the water.
-What? -Yeah.
-I don't want to hit the propeller!
-Well, jump past it.
-Oh, actually, the water is right here now.
-Oh!
-Oh, we're gonna get sucked down.
-Well, things are looking up.
-Rose, when we get sucked down, hold my hand.
-Alright.
-And don't let go, Rose. Don't let go, Rose!
-I won't! I always remember --
let this be the last thought going through your mind
as we start to go under!
I killed a grifter once. -What?!
-Yes. -What?!
[ Buzzer ]
-It just made no sense.
-Stick around.
We've got more "Whose Line" for you right after this break.
Do not move.
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?,"
where everything is made up and the points don't matter.
And we are gonna play a game now that is entitled
"Greatest Hits."
This is a game for Ryan, Colin, and Wayne
with the help of Laura Hall
and Linda Taylor on piano and guitar!
-Ladies!
-The way this game works is that Ryan and Colin
are two TV voiceover artists
talking about the latest compilation album.
Wayne is gonna sing snippets of the songs on the album.
And what I need from the audience here --
I need a suggestion for a place
you'd go to improve your appearance.
Where is a place you'd go if you were trying to look better?
Right? Get better looking. Lots of good stuff.
Ah, well, what about the gym?
-What about the gym? -What about the gym?
-Your album is entitled "Songs of the Gym."
-We'll be right back to our documentary
on couples who can't have sex in even the most basic positions --
"Missionary Impossible."
[ Laughter ]
-You know, when I think of the gym
and I think of having never been there,
so really no idea what goes on there,
I think of Zydeco music
'cause I have no idea where that comes from either.
And, you know, when I think Zydeco and I think of gym,
I think of that big Zydeco hit, "Flex, Press, Flex."
[ Zydeco music playing ]
-[ Creole accent ] ♪ I guarantee ♪
♪ I'm gonna get on there and get my fitness on! ♪
♪ I walked in to the gym the other day ♪
♪ And I seen everybody around me ♪
♪ They were jumpin' and pumpin' and gettin' the big on ♪
♪ But no, no, no, not me ♪
♪ So I grabbed the weight and I got ready to do ♪
♪ and I say, "Hey! You spot me!" ♪
♪ And these three simple words was the last you heard -- ♪
♪ don't ya drop the weight on me ♪
♪ Oh, press, flex, and press again ♪
♪ Press, flex, and press again ♪
♪ Now -- ♪ [ Choking/garbled sounds ]
♪ Oh, I saw my life flash before my eyes! ♪
♪ Ask me why ♪
♪ Because I'm a press, flex, press guy! ♪
♪ Press, flex! Press, flex! ♪
♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no more from you ♪
♪ I just weighting myself, I don't need no help ♪
♪ Press, flex, that's what I do! ♪
-Wow!
-Thank you, ladies.
-You've gotta be pretty stupid to almost choke yourself
while standing up with weights.
-Hey, Ryan. -Yeah.
-What do you think of when I say "drum and bass"?
-Oh! Puddin'.
But I always think of puddin'.
I didn't even hear what you said.
-Anyway, drum and bass is a great style.
-It is! -You've never heard it.
-Yes, I have! I've heard drums and I've heard bass.
-Have you heard them together? -No!
-Well, then you're in for a treat!
-Ow! -Sorry.
'Cause this is one of the great drum and bass songs ever
and especially about the gymnasium.
Gym -- drum and bass. Here's the song.
"Trapped in the Sauna."
[ Drums and bass music playing ]
♪♪
-♪ I just came in here ♪
♪ For a little bit of dippin' in the sauna ♪
♪ And I was there and hopin' that all of this I get on me ♪
♪ And then I would say, "Hey!" And she was like, "Oh!" ♪
♪ And I thought for a second she was ready to go ♪
♪ But then her boyfriend came in, came in, came in ♪
♪ And his name was Raymond, Raymond, Raymond ♪
♪ And the Black guy he was blamin', blamin', blamin' ♪
♪ Ripped the pistil from my stamen ♪
♪ I was trapped in the sauna ♪
♪ With a guy that looked like dead guy up on his girl ♪
♪ But he wanted punch me in the eye ♪
♪ In the sauna! ♪
♪ I could not get up! ♪
♪ I slammed my fist against the glass ♪
♪ And I think he kicked my ass ♪
♪ In the sauna! ♪
♪ I just cannot get so, so just wait! ♪
♪ So just wait as I lose so much weight ♪
♪ I go... ♪
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You know, Colin... -Yeah?
-...I love my Irish rock.
And, you know, when I think Irish rock...
-Yeah? Well, go on!
-...I think of one of the songs, well, it --
it just -- it puts a memory --
it puts a vision in my mind that I don't like,
'cause it's something you see at the gym
and you try to avoid it, but you can't.
That Irish rock hit, "The Bulge."
[ Rock music playing ]
♪♪
-♪ Oy! ♪
♪ There I was on the weight bench ♪
♪ Trying to lift the weights ♪
♪ There I asked my brother to spot me ♪
♪ And I'm laying under the weight bench ♪
♪ And he's over me ♪
♪ And then I said, "Oh, no! ♪
♪ You almost got me with the bulge ♪
♪ Stickin' out of your shorts ♪
♪ It's your bulge ♪
♪ I do not wish to consort with your bulge ♪
♪ Swinging around and 'round ♪
♪ And when you're working out, you hearing this sound ♪
♪ It goes floop, flop, floop, flop ♪
♪ Hey! Stop! No, no, no, no! ♪
♪ Floop, flop! Hit! Jump! Oh, no! Hey! ♪
♪ Oh, bulgin' ♪
♪ People bulgin' with the pectorals and they're bulgin' ♪
♪ They're bulgin', but I'm knowin' ♪
♪ That when the guy comes along ♪
♪ And then he's got tighty tights ♪
♪ If he's bulgin' to the left or maybe bulgin' to the right ♪
♪ I don't want to be around ♪
♪ When the bulgin' really starts ♪
♪ When he says, "Oh, look! You dropped something!" ♪
♪ Ooh! Oof, damn, he farts ♪
♪ 'Cause of the bulge! ♪
♪ Oh, the bulge! ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, we'll tell you who won our show
right after this short break.
Stick around for the answer.
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
That's our show tonight.
All four of you have won the day!
I want you to read out the credits
as if you're all performing on a Broadway chorus line
with terrible food poisoning.
Oh, no! Thanks for watching tonight.
-I don't have to pretend on that one.
-Alright, fellas.
♪ Dan Patterson, Patterson ♪
♪ Jim Mulville ♪ Ew.
-[ Retching ]
-I poisoned my bowels!
-Oh! My -- my -- my pants!
♪♪
-Syncopate! Syncopate!
-[ Retches ]
-- Captions by VITAC --