1 00:00:10,801 --> 00:00:12,734 Tickets, please. 2 00:00:18,133 --> 00:00:20,434 Barkeep. A drink for my colleague. 3 00:00:20,467 --> 00:00:21,334 Do I know you? 4 00:00:21,367 --> 00:00:23,267 I know the only reason to travel by train 5 00:00:23,300 --> 00:00:24,567 is to travel with weapons. 6 00:00:24,601 --> 00:00:27,133 And we all know that at the end of this line, 7 00:00:27,167 --> 00:00:29,133 there's only one creature worth killing. 8 00:00:29,167 --> 00:00:32,100 The man in the white coat. 9 00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:34,801 May as well take turns exchanging stories. 10 00:00:34,834 --> 00:00:38,467 Mine begins on planet Ramamama. 11 00:00:38,501 --> 00:00:40,634 Lower him into acid. 12 00:00:40,667 --> 00:00:44,601 Once he's dissolved, lower someone else into acid. 13 00:00:44,634 --> 00:00:46,634 Is he dissolved? 14 00:00:46,667 --> 00:00:49,601 At least use the downtime to reset the acid lowerer. 15 00:00:49,634 --> 00:00:51,567 I really don't like the attitude around here. 16 00:00:51,601 --> 00:00:54,467 It's a very "lower me into acid" attitude. 17 00:00:56,467 --> 00:00:57,467 Who are you? 18 00:00:58,667 --> 00:01:00,300 How did you reach my sanctum? 19 00:01:01,167 --> 00:01:02,534 All right, this is going in circles. 20 00:01:02,567 --> 00:01:04,367 Seize him! 21 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:06,467 -Aah! -Aah! 22 00:01:14,834 --> 00:01:16,434 -Aah! -Aah! 23 00:01:21,501 --> 00:01:22,634 Very well. 24 00:01:22,667 --> 00:01:25,334 Now I will fight you. 25 00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:27,767 Anyway, he tells a different version of the story 26 00:01:27,801 --> 00:01:29,734 where I start crying or something. 27 00:01:29,767 --> 00:01:32,067 That's why he has to die. 28 00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:33,400 'Cause he's a liar. 29 00:01:33,434 --> 00:01:34,801 So... 30 00:01:34,834 --> 00:01:36,767 why are you going to kill Rick Sanchez? 31 00:01:36,801 --> 00:01:37,667 Okay, I don't know who that is. 32 00:01:37,701 --> 00:01:39,634 I don't accept your weird leap in logic 33 00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:41,667 that has everyone on a train going to kill one guy. 34 00:01:41,701 --> 00:01:44,067 And even if I did, why would we take turns 35 00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:45,133 telling stories about it like 36 00:01:45,167 --> 00:01:46,334 little girls at a sleepover? 37 00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:48,100 If you're trying to be hurtful, 38 00:01:48,133 --> 00:01:49,467 you're doing a good job. 39 00:01:49,501 --> 00:01:50,400 I'll take his turn. 40 00:01:50,434 --> 00:01:52,634 Here's why I'm going to kill Rick Sanchez. 41 00:01:52,667 --> 00:01:53,767 You guys have fun with this. 42 00:01:53,801 --> 00:01:55,667 Dissolve to a clam-shaped sun 43 00:01:55,701 --> 00:01:57,434 rising over a giant beach. 44 00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:00,567 By then, of course, he had left toys 45 00:02:00,601 --> 00:02:03,767 and flesh drops for every one of us in the spore-hive. 46 00:02:03,801 --> 00:02:05,267 A newcomer! 47 00:02:05,300 --> 00:02:06,667 I suppose you think you have a better story 48 00:02:06,701 --> 00:02:09,601 about how Rick Sanchez saved Space Christmas. 49 00:02:09,634 --> 00:02:12,334 What is with the Rick Sanchez obsession? 50 00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:15,234 I think the best way to answer that 51 00:02:15,267 --> 00:02:17,667 is with my Christmas Rick Tale. 52 00:02:19,234 --> 00:02:20,300 Whoo! 53 00:02:20,334 --> 00:02:22,100 Could've used Rudolph tonight! 54 00:02:22,133 --> 00:02:24,100 Thank God. I'm not too late. 55 00:02:24,133 --> 00:02:25,300 I don't know how to thank you, Goomby. 56 00:02:25,334 --> 00:02:26,200 No need. 57 00:02:26,234 --> 00:02:27,601 You just go in there and have a nice time. 58 00:02:27,634 --> 00:02:29,334 I will. Thanks. 59 00:02:32,634 --> 00:02:34,467 Hey. 60 00:02:34,501 --> 00:02:35,467 Merry Christmas, Goomby. 61 00:02:35,501 --> 00:02:37,434 Merry Christmas, Rick. 62 00:02:38,634 --> 00:02:40,133 It's okay. 63 00:02:40,167 --> 00:02:41,634 I-I don't have to. Sorry if that was -- 64 00:02:41,667 --> 00:02:43,133 No. Um, um, I can ask. 65 00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:44,000 No, no, no, I don't wanna be a burden. 66 00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:46,033 Okay. Yeah, yeah, there's just -- 67 00:02:46,067 --> 00:02:47,267 there's a lot of people. Family. You know? 68 00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:47,968 I get it. 69 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,300 You're not mad? Totally fine. 70 00:02:49,334 --> 00:02:50,467 Bye. 71 00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:58,667 That -- Okay, none of my business 72 00:02:58,701 --> 00:03:00,467 but he didn't even save Christmas in that story. 73 00:03:00,501 --> 00:03:01,234 How dare you! 74 00:03:01,267 --> 00:03:02,801 That doesn't mean I'm invested. 75 00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:04,133 Tell your Christmas Rick story! 76 00:03:04,167 --> 00:03:06,267 Step the hell back! Back! 77 00:03:11,534 --> 00:03:13,300 You start teeing up a Rick Sanchez vignette, 78 00:03:13,334 --> 00:03:15,167 and you'll be doing it through two holes. 79 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:16,767 I'm just trying to figure out what's going on with this train. 80 00:03:16,801 --> 00:03:18,267 Do you remember getting on it? 81 00:03:18,300 --> 00:03:21,067 No. First thing I remember is... 82 00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:23,133 Tickets, please. 83 00:03:23,834 --> 00:03:27,300 So, why did you date Rick Sanchez? 84 00:03:27,334 --> 00:03:28,334 What? 85 00:03:28,367 --> 00:03:30,167 You don't have to pretend you didn't date him. 86 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:32,167 We all did. We get it. 87 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:35,434 Low point in your life, rebound from an ex, et cetera. 88 00:03:35,467 --> 00:03:36,701 No, really, who? 89 00:03:36,734 --> 00:03:39,167 Exactly. 90 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:43,100 In fact, and get this, when he met my family... 91 00:03:43,133 --> 00:03:44,434 Aah! 92 00:03:45,801 --> 00:03:48,067 Leah! Leah, check it out. 93 00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:49,133 Where'd you meet this, um... 94 00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:51,133 ...sprite? 95 00:03:51,167 --> 00:03:53,300 He's actually a human. 96 00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:55,767 But he invented portal tech? 97 00:03:55,801 --> 00:03:57,634 I am the concept of time. 98 00:03:57,667 --> 00:03:58,734 Jesus! 99 00:03:58,767 --> 00:04:00,133 I warned you not to do that. 100 00:04:00,167 --> 00:04:02,133 I wasn't trying. You don't have to. 101 00:04:02,167 --> 00:04:03,400 The train is obviously amplifying 102 00:04:03,434 --> 00:04:04,801 and linking unrelated narrative fields. 103 00:04:06,334 --> 00:04:08,100 Morty? I told you if you found me again, 104 00:04:08,133 --> 00:04:09,667 identify yourself. 105 00:04:09,701 --> 00:04:11,300 I didn't know it was you. 106 00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:12,501 How did you not recognize me? 107 00:04:12,534 --> 00:04:14,100 Didn't you create the disguises? 108 00:04:14,133 --> 00:04:15,767 When I create shit, it works, Morty. 109 00:04:15,801 --> 00:04:17,133 It's called being talented. 110 00:04:17,167 --> 00:04:18,400 Why can't we find the engine? 111 00:04:18,434 --> 00:04:20,467 It's not a real train, it's a story device. 112 00:04:20,501 --> 00:04:23,133 Literally. A literal literary device 113 00:04:23,167 --> 00:04:25,434 quite literally metaphorically containing us. 114 00:04:25,467 --> 00:04:26,234 A simulation. 115 00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:27,801 Worse. An anthology. 116 00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:29,334 Okay, so how -- how do we hijack it? 117 00:04:29,367 --> 00:04:30,734 Morty, it's been hijacked 118 00:04:30,767 --> 00:04:32,300 for at least two full minutes. 119 00:04:32,334 --> 00:04:34,434 Are you not hearing this insane conversation? 120 00:04:34,467 --> 00:04:37,033 Okay, Tickets Please Guy, stop the anthology. 121 00:04:37,067 --> 00:04:39,133 If we wanted one-offs, we'd do Interdimensional Cable, 122 00:04:39,167 --> 00:04:41,167 not some uptight, overwritten -- 123 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:42,601 Rick? God damn! 124 00:04:42,634 --> 00:04:43,801 Tickets, please. 125 00:04:43,834 --> 00:04:45,234 Dude, I'm sure you've got, like, 126 00:04:45,267 --> 00:04:47,100 so many tickets at this point. 127 00:04:47,133 --> 00:04:49,400 Jesus! The Tickets Please guy is cut! 128 00:04:49,434 --> 00:04:51,133 He -- he -- he's -- he's got those things. 129 00:04:51,167 --> 00:04:53,234 W-what do you call them. Uhm, cum gutters. 130 00:04:53,267 --> 00:04:54,634 Morty, gross! That's what people call them. 131 00:04:54,667 --> 00:04:56,300 Gross people. I don't want to have to picture 132 00:04:56,334 --> 00:04:58,734 cum so watery in such volumes that -- 133 00:04:58,767 --> 00:04:59,701 Hey, hey, hey, stay back. 134 00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:01,534 I'll kick you. I-I'll kick your shin, bro. 135 00:05:01,567 --> 00:05:03,234 Aaah! Hey! 136 00:05:03,267 --> 00:05:05,434 I'll fuckin' cook and eat your ticket-taking ass. 137 00:05:05,467 --> 00:05:07,601 Hey, I found a ticket. 138 00:05:09,167 --> 00:05:11,467 Wow, you are just -- ladies and gentlemen, 139 00:05:11,501 --> 00:05:13,434 the Jackie Chan of human shielding. 140 00:05:13,467 --> 00:05:14,734 Who takes the time to get this good at -- 141 00:05:14,767 --> 00:05:16,100 Fuck this. 142 00:05:16,133 --> 00:05:17,601 -Aaah -Structural breach. 143 00:05:17,634 --> 00:05:19,100 Losing continuity. 144 00:05:19,133 --> 00:05:20,467 Morty, hold on to something. 145 00:05:20,501 --> 00:05:21,467 Keep your head inside. 146 00:05:21,501 --> 00:05:22,634 Aaah! 147 00:05:27,667 --> 00:05:29,133 Share with your sister, Josh. 148 00:05:29,167 --> 00:05:30,400 Just because it's your birthday doesn't mean 149 00:05:30,434 --> 00:05:31,801 you can be an asshole. 150 00:05:31,834 --> 00:05:33,701 You okay, Dad? Is this real? 151 00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:35,133 I doubt it, but you get what you get 152 00:05:35,167 --> 00:05:36,334 when you eat dinner in an arcade. 153 00:05:36,367 --> 00:05:38,634 I mean are you real, is life real? 154 00:05:38,667 --> 00:05:40,334 Okay, I'm calling the nurse because you are not 155 00:05:40,367 --> 00:05:42,167 doing this tonight. You're God damn right 156 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,133 I'm not because -- You are not doing this tonight! 157 00:05:44,167 --> 00:05:45,400 This isn't real life! 158 00:05:45,434 --> 00:05:47,133 Dad? My God! Honey. Sweetie. 159 00:05:47,167 --> 00:05:48,067 What's happening? Give me your tickets. 160 00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:49,400 I -- I need tickets. 161 00:05:49,434 --> 00:05:52,634 Everyone give me tickeeeeeettttttts! 162 00:05:52,667 --> 00:05:54,234 Aaaah! 163 00:05:55,367 --> 00:05:57,133 Aaah! 164 00:05:58,434 --> 00:06:00,601 Female Voice: Emergency continuity deployed. 165 00:06:05,334 --> 00:06:07,067 This could come in handy. Can't we just ride out the -- 166 00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:08,434 Fuck you, I'd rather die. 167 00:06:08,467 --> 00:06:10,167 Train cops! Hands in the air! 168 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:11,667 Tee up a story about Rick Sanchez! 169 00:06:11,701 --> 00:06:13,100 He is Rick! Jesus Christ! 170 00:06:13,133 --> 00:06:14,434 Is that the Tickets Please Guy? 171 00:06:14,467 --> 00:06:15,767 Well, just the stub. 172 00:06:15,801 --> 00:06:17,434 Too soon! Too soon! 173 00:06:17,467 --> 00:06:19,167 Don't move! Too soon! 174 00:06:21,133 --> 00:06:23,434 So, what did the Train Cops do wrong? 175 00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:24,767 Shot...people? 176 00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:26,567 Shot passengers. Wrong. 177 00:06:26,601 --> 00:06:29,033 The passengers tampered with the anthology's structure. 178 00:06:29,067 --> 00:06:30,267 Lethal response was permitted, 179 00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:32,501 but not with him holding that tank. 180 00:06:32,534 --> 00:06:34,334 Let's take a look at what they should have done. 181 00:06:34,367 --> 00:06:35,601 Train cops! Hands in the air! 182 00:06:35,634 --> 00:06:37,067 Drop the tank! Drop it! 183 00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:38,667 Drop it! Drop the tank. 184 00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:42,734 Sorry to nitpick, sir, but if there was 185 00:06:42,767 --> 00:06:46,200 a continuity explosion, isn't there always one? 186 00:06:46,234 --> 00:06:47,767 And doesn't that mean those two could be anywhere? 187 00:06:47,801 --> 00:06:49,634 What? No, you idiot, that -- it's -- 188 00:06:49,667 --> 00:06:51,734 It's just a training video. That didn't actually happen. 189 00:06:51,767 --> 00:06:52,767 That's what you think. 190 00:06:52,801 --> 00:06:54,467 Hey. How'd you get here? 191 00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:56,334 Yeah, like we're the ones that popped up out of nowhere? 192 00:06:56,367 --> 00:06:57,334 Fuck these guys. 193 00:07:00,667 --> 00:07:02,667 Hey, what the hell? Your leg is healed. 194 00:07:02,701 --> 00:07:04,467 Yeah, it's a real free-for-all. 195 00:07:04,501 --> 00:07:05,501 Here we go. 196 00:07:05,534 --> 00:07:07,300 Of course this thing is just a fucking circle. 197 00:07:07,334 --> 00:07:09,100 You'd think it was so God damn complicated -- 198 00:07:09,133 --> 00:07:11,501 Okay, here's where the stupid vignettes were. 199 00:07:11,534 --> 00:07:13,334 God, imagine if that had been the whole thing. 200 00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:17,267 So now we're here, and the engine must be here. 201 00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:19,133 I'll have to rig us a couple of space suits 202 00:07:19,167 --> 00:07:21,133 that start failing around here so we can 203 00:07:21,167 --> 00:07:22,400 pay a heavy price 204 00:07:22,434 --> 00:07:23,734 for re-entering at this threshold. 205 00:07:23,767 --> 00:07:25,300 We have to leave the train? 206 00:07:25,334 --> 00:07:26,767 We don't have to do anything, Morty. 207 00:07:26,801 --> 00:07:28,467 This is just a structural guide. 208 00:07:28,501 --> 00:07:30,601 We're obviously gonna impart our own style. 209 00:07:30,634 --> 00:07:32,133 I don't like how meta this is getting, Rick. 210 00:07:32,167 --> 00:07:33,300 Shut up, Morty. You're 14. 211 00:07:33,334 --> 00:07:34,734 You watch videos of people on YouTube 212 00:07:34,767 --> 00:07:36,467 reacting to fucking YouTube. 213 00:07:36,501 --> 00:07:37,634 I'll be the judge of when we get too meta. 214 00:07:37,667 --> 00:07:38,767 Holy shit. 215 00:07:38,801 --> 00:07:40,167 How is he still breathing? Aah! 216 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,167 He's suspended in disbelief, 217 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:43,534 slowly dying while living out an alternative 218 00:07:43,567 --> 00:07:44,767 non-diagetic reality. 219 00:07:44,801 --> 00:07:46,767 Geez, what a horrible way to die. 220 00:07:46,801 --> 00:07:47,801 You don't know the half of it. 221 00:07:49,601 --> 00:07:51,634 You're on fuego with the guy-torn-in-half bits, Rick. 222 00:07:51,667 --> 00:07:53,033 That one was organic, though. 223 00:07:53,067 --> 00:07:54,300 That's because you're naturally funny. 224 00:07:54,334 --> 00:07:55,534 That -- that's good old-fashioned fun 225 00:07:55,567 --> 00:07:57,100 right there, you know? 226 00:07:57,133 --> 00:07:58,434 W-w-we don't need to over-think shit, okay? 227 00:07:58,467 --> 00:08:00,033 Okay, buddy. Nice and grounded, 228 00:08:00,067 --> 00:08:01,300 fully immersive from here on out. 229 00:08:02,501 --> 00:08:04,133 Right after this. W-what's happening? 230 00:08:04,167 --> 00:08:05,234 Going into an act break. 231 00:08:26,334 --> 00:08:28,133 Sure, that was a great moment, 232 00:08:28,167 --> 00:08:29,167 but it was hardly the best time 233 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,501 Rick and Morty were musical. 234 00:08:30,534 --> 00:08:31,767 Who can forget the t-- 235 00:08:31,801 --> 00:08:33,467 Hey. You guys think there's something weird 236 00:08:33,501 --> 00:08:35,100 about this train? 237 00:08:35,133 --> 00:08:35,834 We've been here a really long time 238 00:08:35,868 --> 00:08:37,334 and nobody's taken our tickets. 239 00:08:37,367 --> 00:08:38,367 Aaah! 240 00:08:39,501 --> 00:08:42,033 Aaaah! 241 00:08:42,067 --> 00:08:44,200 The galaxy's greatest scientists continue to ponder 242 00:08:44,234 --> 00:08:46,667 the horrific figure known to children as Floaty Blood Man. 243 00:08:46,701 --> 00:08:49,334 But after three months, nobody is any closer to the truth. 244 00:08:49,367 --> 00:08:51,400 For Cutesy Name News, I'm Uncle Nibbles. 245 00:08:51,434 --> 00:08:54,033 I can't believe Floaty Bloody Man is real. 246 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,767 He's more than real, he's my new god. 247 00:08:55,801 --> 00:08:58,167 Check it. Is that brand-new, 248 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,167 or is the blood just -- Accurately depicted, yeah. 249 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:02,100 His followers believe the entire universe 250 00:09:02,133 --> 00:09:03,801 is Floaty Bloody Man's nightmare as he dies 251 00:09:03,834 --> 00:09:05,601 in a time-dilated reality. 252 00:09:05,634 --> 00:09:07,167 So we could go at any minute. 253 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,334 No. I'm part of the Floaty Nogasm Brotherhood. 254 00:09:09,367 --> 00:09:11,100 We believe we're keeping him alive 255 00:09:11,133 --> 00:09:13,501 by redirecting our suppressed sexual energies. 256 00:09:13,534 --> 00:09:15,033 You're staying a virgin 257 00:09:15,067 --> 00:09:17,501 just to keep the universe existing? 258 00:09:17,534 --> 00:09:19,634 That's... so attractive. 259 00:09:19,667 --> 00:09:20,801 It is? 260 00:09:20,834 --> 00:09:23,267 Okay, look, let's just do it once. 261 00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,000 Sorry. 262 00:09:29,567 --> 00:09:31,234 Aaah! 263 00:09:31,267 --> 00:09:32,634 Happy now? He was suffering. 264 00:09:32,667 --> 00:09:34,133 Keep moving. 265 00:09:34,167 --> 00:09:35,567 We have to get to the return threshold 266 00:09:35,601 --> 00:09:37,133 before the ticking clock on your suit gets to zero. 267 00:09:37,167 --> 00:09:38,334 Why would you put ticking clock -- 268 00:09:38,367 --> 00:09:39,534 Because if it's too easy to get there, 269 00:09:39,567 --> 00:09:41,234 we'll never get there. 270 00:09:41,267 --> 00:09:43,100 If you don't want to be meta stop, deconstructing shit. 271 00:09:43,133 --> 00:09:44,701 That's the thematic seal. 272 00:09:44,734 --> 00:09:46,400 Gotta find a way to disrupt it. 273 00:09:46,434 --> 00:09:49,400 Okay, Morty, tell a story unrelated to us. 274 00:09:49,434 --> 00:09:51,734 What do -- Stop thinking and do it! 275 00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:53,801 Okay, there was this -- 276 00:09:53,834 --> 00:09:55,634 My name is Mike Johnson. That's good coffee. 277 00:09:56,667 --> 00:09:58,467 Better get that door. 278 00:09:58,501 --> 00:10:00,434 Iiiiiiii, hello. 279 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:01,667 I want your cookies. 280 00:10:01,701 --> 00:10:02,801 I'm hungry, I want your cookies. 281 00:10:02,834 --> 00:10:04,334 Scorpions, scorpions. 282 00:10:04,367 --> 00:10:06,667 There's scorpions outside. Get inside. 283 00:10:06,701 --> 00:10:07,767 What do they want from us? 284 00:10:07,801 --> 00:10:09,467 They want food. Me too. 285 00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:10,567 Rick: Okay, just stop. 286 00:10:10,601 --> 00:10:12,334 I'm not a writer, okay? 287 00:10:12,367 --> 00:10:14,167 Relax, your story was supposed to be awful and stupid. 288 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,400 I just failed to predict how well 289 00:10:15,434 --> 00:10:17,167 that would mesh with the theme. 290 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,267 Think. Think. 291 00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:20,133 What kind of story would we never -- 292 00:10:20,167 --> 00:10:21,801 Morty, do you know what the Bechdel Test is? 293 00:10:21,834 --> 00:10:23,334 The what? For God's sake, Morty, 294 00:10:23,367 --> 00:10:25,300 the formula for measuring female agency 295 00:10:25,334 --> 00:10:27,334 in a story proposed by lesbian cartoonist Allison -- 296 00:10:27,367 --> 00:10:29,133 what the hell are they teaching you in that school?! 297 00:10:29,167 --> 00:10:30,801 Other stuff! Then you've killed us both! 298 00:10:30,834 --> 00:10:32,634 Why is lesbian part of her job title?! 299 00:10:32,667 --> 00:10:34,133 Now you're progressive?! 300 00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:35,634 What is the test?! You have to tell -- 301 00:10:39,367 --> 00:10:41,300 Morty, Morty. 302 00:10:41,334 --> 00:10:44,133 Two women. They both have to have names 303 00:10:44,167 --> 00:10:45,400 and talk to each other about something... 304 00:10:45,434 --> 00:10:47,167 Rick! 305 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,200 ...other than a man... Rick, listen to me. 306 00:10:49,234 --> 00:10:51,534 Once upon a time, my mom and my sister... 307 00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:53,267 Listen to me! 308 00:10:54,534 --> 00:10:56,367 Mom, can I try your tea? 309 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,434 Yes, Summer. 310 00:10:58,467 --> 00:10:59,734 Yes. Try my tea. 311 00:10:59,767 --> 00:11:02,434 It's so good. It's so warm. 312 00:11:02,467 --> 00:11:04,501 Mom, can I talk to you 313 00:11:04,534 --> 00:11:05,767 about my special time? 314 00:11:05,801 --> 00:11:08,334 It's okay. I have one, too. 315 00:11:08,367 --> 00:11:09,501 Mine is heavy today. 316 00:11:09,534 --> 00:11:11,133 Mine is never light. 317 00:11:11,167 --> 00:11:13,234 I love you ever since you were... 318 00:11:13,267 --> 00:11:14,467 mailed to me. 319 00:11:14,501 --> 00:11:15,801 By a doctor woman. 320 00:11:15,834 --> 00:11:17,601 Your special time is your power. 321 00:11:17,634 --> 00:11:19,567 It makes you strong like a boob. 322 00:11:19,601 --> 00:11:20,801 Strong against what? 323 00:11:20,834 --> 00:11:23,067 Scorpions. Female Scorpions. 324 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,133 They're attacking outside. Come on. 325 00:11:27,501 --> 00:11:29,501 Fight them with your heavy special time. 326 00:11:29,534 --> 00:11:30,634 You do it, too. 327 00:11:37,834 --> 00:11:39,501 Hello? Hello? 328 00:11:39,534 --> 00:11:42,601 I'm that Supreme Court lady, and you fucking did it. 329 00:11:42,634 --> 00:11:44,767 We did it! We did it! 330 00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:51,067 Great job, Morty. 331 00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:52,534 A feminist masterpiece. 332 00:11:52,567 --> 00:11:54,267 Hey, look. 333 00:11:58,234 --> 00:12:00,467 Guess who's got two penises and all the agency? 334 00:12:00,501 --> 00:12:02,467 Rick and Morty. 335 00:12:02,501 --> 00:12:04,200 Story Lord. 336 00:12:04,234 --> 00:12:05,567 I should've known you were behind this, and I did. 337 00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:06,801 Who is this guy? 338 00:12:06,834 --> 00:12:08,801 He's like a Matrix Space Frasier. 339 00:12:08,834 --> 00:12:10,133 Let's get this fight over with, nerd. 340 00:12:10,167 --> 00:12:11,300 I've got shit to do. 341 00:12:11,334 --> 00:12:13,100 You of all people know, Rick, 342 00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,300 there can be no destination without a journey. 343 00:12:15,334 --> 00:12:17,667 I don't know that at all. I regularly teleport. 344 00:12:17,701 --> 00:12:20,267 Of course. No rules for you. 345 00:12:20,300 --> 00:12:22,200 Spiraling through the multiverse, 346 00:12:22,234 --> 00:12:25,133 burping semi-improvised dialogue about how nothing matters, 347 00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:27,400 so we may as well pull out our dicks and rub them 348 00:12:27,434 --> 00:12:30,133 on fate's glaring teeth like we're brushing fate's teeth 349 00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:32,501 but we're using your gross, dirty dick. 350 00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:33,667 Must be nice. 351 00:12:33,701 --> 00:12:34,634 Nobody's stopping you. 352 00:12:34,667 --> 00:12:37,167 True. Not anymore. 353 00:12:37,901 --> 00:12:39,334 Goddamn! We already did this. 354 00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:41,734 Is this a double beat? Well. 355 00:12:41,767 --> 00:12:43,667 Just how I adventure, dawg. 356 00:12:43,701 --> 00:12:44,801 This is more impressive than 357 00:12:44,834 --> 00:12:45,801 the Tickets Please Guy, though. 358 00:12:45,834 --> 00:12:47,734 You are like 90% cum gutter. 359 00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:51,033 It's called discipline. Watch this. 360 00:12:51,434 --> 00:12:52,667 God damn. Geez! 361 00:12:52,701 --> 00:12:53,601 Do we have to fight him? 362 00:12:53,634 --> 00:12:54,801 I don't want to. 363 00:12:54,834 --> 00:12:56,467 We surrender. We're not fighting. 364 00:12:58,667 --> 00:13:00,434 Fucking kick your ass. 365 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,100 Hey! Get back in your egg! 366 00:13:06,801 --> 00:13:07,801 -What the -- -Don't worry, Morty! 367 00:13:07,834 --> 00:13:09,267 Nothing out there is canon! 368 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,801 We've got a pulse. Stay with me, Private. 369 00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:14,033 Smith, listen to me. You were exposed 370 00:13:14,067 --> 00:13:16,033 to a chemical that is altering your mind. 371 00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:17,300 To beat it, you have to hold on -- 372 00:13:17,334 --> 00:13:18,334 We're losing him. 373 00:13:18,367 --> 00:13:20,100 Aliens. Sarge?! 374 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,267 Morty, never forget the highest truth of all -- 375 00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:24,467 you're getting your ass kicked on a train. 376 00:13:25,501 --> 00:13:27,234 Professor Sanchez? 377 00:13:27,267 --> 00:13:27,934 Did it work? 378 00:13:27,968 --> 00:13:29,701 I wouldn't say that, Marcus. 379 00:13:29,734 --> 00:13:32,334 I'd say it fucking worked. 380 00:13:32,367 --> 00:13:35,167 100% time dilation and total immersion. 381 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:36,501 Define "total." Marcus, 382 00:13:36,534 --> 00:13:38,334 I've been back in reality for three hours, 383 00:13:38,367 --> 00:13:40,767 and I still have memories of a completely different life. 384 00:13:40,801 --> 00:13:42,734 I-I-I was a scientist still. 385 00:13:42,767 --> 00:13:44,334 I-I-I was -- I-I-I had developed 386 00:13:44,367 --> 00:13:47,634 inter-dimensional travel, I-I-I-I had a daughter. 387 00:13:47,667 --> 00:13:49,167 I-I didn't have a mustache. 388 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:53,501 I-I was kinda funny sometimes, mostly burping. 389 00:13:53,534 --> 00:13:54,634 No more secret testing. 390 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,400 I can help people now. 391 00:13:56,434 --> 00:13:57,367 You've helped people. 392 00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:58,801 I've hurt more. 393 00:13:58,834 --> 00:13:59,734 Aaah! 394 00:13:59,767 --> 00:14:02,067 P-P-Professor Sanchez. I-I'm Morty Smith 395 00:14:02,100 --> 00:14:03,734 from the -- the -- the the 241st. 396 00:14:03,767 --> 00:14:05,133 They -- they -- put your pill in our food. 397 00:14:05,167 --> 00:14:07,033 It -- it works. Call the police! 398 00:14:07,067 --> 00:14:08,667 It's okay. It's okay. It's not real. 399 00:14:08,701 --> 00:14:10,400 N-n-n-n-nothing's real. 400 00:14:10,434 --> 00:14:11,200 I'm sorry, son. 401 00:14:11,234 --> 00:14:13,434 I-i-it's okay. You aren't real. 402 00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:17,701 God, you're right. I should do more freeform stuff. 403 00:14:17,734 --> 00:14:19,801 In you go. What's happening? 404 00:14:19,834 --> 00:14:21,667 The reason I brought you here. 405 00:14:21,701 --> 00:14:23,734 I'll now fuel my anthology with your 406 00:14:23,767 --> 00:14:25,334 limitless potential, propelling it to 407 00:14:25,367 --> 00:14:28,734 its final stop -- beyond the fifth wall. 408 00:14:31,067 --> 00:14:33,167 You idiot. Our potential isn't limitless. 409 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:34,567 You'll never break the fifth wall 410 00:14:34,601 --> 00:14:35,734 before you've burnt us out. 411 00:14:35,767 --> 00:14:38,501 Is that so? Well. Win-win. 412 00:14:38,534 --> 00:14:39,767 Rick, w-what's he doing? 413 00:14:39,801 --> 00:14:41,400 He's trying to tap into us, Morty. 414 00:14:41,434 --> 00:14:43,367 Resist. 415 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,334 I can't believe you're finally headed off to college. 416 00:14:45,367 --> 00:14:47,033 Yeah, you know, it really felt like 417 00:14:47,067 --> 00:14:48,267 you were gonna be 17 forever. 418 00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:50,300 For, like, 16 years, at least. 419 00:14:50,334 --> 00:14:52,334 I can't believe I'm tearing up over this. 420 00:14:52,367 --> 00:14:54,734 Jesus, Rick, you know, you've really softened up. 421 00:14:54,767 --> 00:14:56,601 It's a human moment, Morty. 422 00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:58,167 It's a human moment. 423 00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,067 Aaah! Aaah! It hurts! 424 00:15:06,167 --> 00:15:08,133 Abradolph Lincoler? I thought you were dead. 425 00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:11,334 I'm very much alive, and I need your help. 426 00:15:11,367 --> 00:15:12,734 Yeah! 427 00:15:12,767 --> 00:15:14,067 Shit. He's taking the good stuff, Morty. 428 00:15:14,100 --> 00:15:15,634 Wait, is -- is any of this canon? 429 00:15:15,667 --> 00:15:16,801 It could have been. 430 00:15:16,834 --> 00:15:18,567 Dear. 431 00:15:18,601 --> 00:15:21,567 Are there things Rick Sanchez holds sacred after all? 432 00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:29,467 How did you find us? 433 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:32,100 I trusted you! 434 00:15:32,133 --> 00:15:34,467 Don't blame others for your bad decisions. 435 00:15:36,334 --> 00:15:38,634 Resist, Morty! Resist before he burns us out! 436 00:15:38,667 --> 00:15:40,434 Too late now! 437 00:15:40,467 --> 00:15:42,100 What's wrong, Rick? 438 00:15:42,133 --> 00:15:44,334 Don't you want to see how your story ends?! 439 00:15:57,801 --> 00:15:59,667 Holy shit, Rick. What do we -- 440 00:15:59,701 --> 00:16:00,634 There -- there -- there's now way out! 441 00:16:00,667 --> 00:16:02,167 You're right, Morty. 442 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,734 Sometimes it does seem like there's no way out. 443 00:16:03,767 --> 00:16:05,300 Like it's hopeless. 444 00:16:05,334 --> 00:16:07,534 But remember, there's always someone there for us. 445 00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:08,801 Who? 446 00:16:08,834 --> 00:16:10,234 My best friend and personal savior, 447 00:16:10,267 --> 00:16:11,167 Jesus Christ. 448 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,634 What?! You -- you don't believe in God. 449 00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:14,267 But He believes in us, Morty. 450 00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:16,133 You know, I thought I was the inventor, 451 00:16:16,167 --> 00:16:17,334 but the greatest invention of all 452 00:16:17,367 --> 00:16:18,801 is the free gift of Eternal Life. 453 00:16:18,834 --> 00:16:20,801 Is this -- are you fucking with me? 454 00:16:20,834 --> 00:16:22,467 Trust me, Morty. 455 00:16:22,501 --> 00:16:24,400 I've done plenty of effed up stuff in my life. 456 00:16:24,434 --> 00:16:26,801 But it's never too late to accept Christ. 457 00:16:26,834 --> 00:16:28,267 Jesus is always knocking at the door. 458 00:16:28,300 --> 00:16:29,767 All we have to do is open it and let Him 459 00:16:29,801 --> 00:16:31,167 into our hearts. How? 460 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:32,667 I'm so glad you asked, Morty. 461 00:16:32,701 --> 00:16:34,601 Just close your eyes and go to Him in prayer. 462 00:16:34,634 --> 00:16:36,100 Like this. 463 00:16:36,133 --> 00:16:37,667 Heavenly Father. Heavenly Father. 464 00:16:37,701 --> 00:16:39,734 Together: Thank you for sending your only begotten son. 465 00:16:39,767 --> 00:16:41,734 What a second, no! What are you doing?! 466 00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:43,601 Jesus, I accept you into my heart. 467 00:16:43,634 --> 00:16:45,100 No! This sucks. 468 00:16:45,133 --> 00:16:46,801 Stop! You guys would never do this. 469 00:16:46,834 --> 00:16:48,334 Together: Fill me with your Spirit. 470 00:16:48,367 --> 00:16:49,801 Make me a shining city on a hill for you. 471 00:16:49,834 --> 00:16:51,634 -No! No! -Make me born again. 472 00:16:51,667 --> 00:16:53,467 -No! -In Jesus' name, we pray. 473 00:16:53,501 --> 00:16:54,801 -Amen. -Amen. 474 00:16:54,834 --> 00:16:56,667 -Amen! -You did it! 475 00:16:56,701 --> 00:16:58,067 Way to go, Morty! Crossy. 476 00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,267 Bible-Saurus. You made it. 477 00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:01,501 We wouldn't miss this for anything! 478 00:17:01,534 --> 00:17:02,767 You said it, Mr. Celery. 479 00:17:02,801 --> 00:17:04,734 What the fuck is all of this?! 480 00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:06,601 Greatest story ever told, Story Lord. 481 00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:08,501 No, it's not. It's awful! 482 00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:11,434 I beg your pardon? 483 00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:15,067 Goddamn. 484 00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:17,200 My Lord and my God! 485 00:17:17,234 --> 00:17:18,434 -No! No! It sucks in here. -Let's get the fuck 486 00:17:18,467 --> 00:17:20,601 outta here. Go, now. 487 00:17:20,634 --> 00:17:21,801 We're safe, Morty. 488 00:17:21,834 --> 00:17:23,734 Nobody ever wanted to see that shit. 489 00:17:23,767 --> 00:17:25,334 Wh-what's gonna happen to Story Lord? 490 00:17:25,367 --> 00:17:27,634 He gets to spend eternity in every writer's hell -- 491 00:17:27,667 --> 00:17:29,100 the Bible. I don't know. 492 00:17:29,133 --> 00:17:30,801 Some people actually like that stuff. 493 00:17:30,834 --> 00:17:32,434 Seems kind of cynical. 494 00:17:32,467 --> 00:17:34,133 I just don't like taking cheap shots, you know? 495 00:17:34,167 --> 00:17:35,767 Cheap shots? Morty, we were literally 496 00:17:35,801 --> 00:17:37,300 saved by Jesus Christ. 497 00:17:37,334 --> 00:17:39,167 Tell me in any way how that's offensive. 498 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:40,734 This was a little confusing, 499 00:17:40,767 --> 00:17:42,734 but I guess it brought us closer together, you know? 500 00:17:42,767 --> 00:17:44,334 Tested our demons. 501 00:17:44,367 --> 00:17:45,801 Made us believe in ourselves more than ever. 502 00:17:45,834 --> 00:17:47,334 Yeah. You're right, Morty. 503 00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:49,133 We got all that meta-canon shit outta the way 504 00:17:49,167 --> 00:17:51,133 and now we can just be ourselves. 505 00:17:51,167 --> 00:17:52,467 Now what do you say we bring this train 506 00:17:52,501 --> 00:17:54,234 into the station. 507 00:18:03,567 --> 00:18:06,167 Shit. 508 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,033 Morty: So what do you think? 509 00:18:08,067 --> 00:18:09,167 Wow. Where did you get this thing? 510 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,200 The Citadel of Ricks Gift Shop. 511 00:18:11,234 --> 00:18:13,667 Do you really like it? I didn't think you'd even care. 512 00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:16,033 What? Morty. No. I love it. 513 00:18:16,067 --> 00:18:17,601 You did the most important thing. 514 00:18:17,634 --> 00:18:18,701 You -- you bought something. 515 00:18:18,734 --> 00:18:20,267 What? You bought something. 516 00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:23,200 With money. God. I love money so much, Morty. 517 00:18:23,234 --> 00:18:25,334 Are you being sarcastic? Merchandise, Morty. 518 00:18:25,367 --> 00:18:28,033 Your only purpose in life is to buy and consume merchandise. 519 00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:29,200 And you did it. You went into a store -- 520 00:18:29,234 --> 00:18:32,167 an actual honest to God store -- and you bought something. 521 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,367 You didn't ask questions or raise ethical complaints. 522 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:36,167 You -- you just looked straight into the bleeding jaws 523 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,634 of capitalism and said "Yes, daddy, please." 524 00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:40,767 And I'm... I'm so proud of you. 525 00:18:40,801 --> 00:18:42,267 I only wish you could've bought more. 526 00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:44,634 I -- I love buying things so much, Morty. 527 00:18:44,667 --> 00:18:46,100 Rick, are -- are you -- 528 00:18:46,133 --> 00:18:47,400 do you need to go to the hospital? 529 00:18:47,434 --> 00:18:50,033 I love you, Morty. Give Grandpa a kiss. 530 00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:51,534 Give -- give -- gimme -- give Grandpa a kiss. 531 00:18:51,567 --> 00:18:52,801 Lips if you want. 532 00:18:52,834 --> 00:18:54,467 What-- whatever you're comfortable with. 533 00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:55,667 Some cultures do that. 534 00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:57,400 That was sweet. Thank you. 535 00:18:57,434 --> 00:19:00,167 I -- I love you. You're my little buddy. 536 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:01,667 Okay. 537 00:19:01,701 --> 00:19:03,133 Let's watch some Interdimensional Cable. 538 00:19:08,367 --> 00:19:10,334 So you're saying my father 539 00:19:10,367 --> 00:19:11,767 and His kingdom... 540 00:19:11,801 --> 00:19:14,667 Well, yes -- it's based on the fusion 541 00:19:14,701 --> 00:19:16,100 of a Sumerian god named "Ya" 542 00:19:16,133 --> 00:19:18,734 and a Mesopotamian god named "Way." 543 00:19:18,767 --> 00:19:21,300 And we're in a toy train? 544 00:19:21,334 --> 00:19:23,033 Yes. 545 00:19:23,067 --> 00:19:24,133 It's enough to really make you question 546 00:19:24,167 --> 00:19:26,133 all of existence, isn't it? 547 00:19:26,167 --> 00:19:28,734 So what do you think you're gonna do about it? 548 00:19:28,767 --> 00:19:32,100 I'm gonna do what I've always done. 549 00:19:32,133 --> 00:19:34,133 I'm gonna get the fuck outta here. 550 00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:38,467 Father of omens! Give me blood beyond sight! 551 00:19:40,667 --> 00:19:42,400 Hey, what the fuck, Morty? 552 00:19:42,434 --> 00:19:44,167 The train you got me just completely derailed itself. 553 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:45,801 There's blood all over the windows on it. 554 00:19:45,834 --> 00:19:47,634 Man, I'm sorry, Rick. I guess I'll return it. 555 00:19:47,667 --> 00:19:49,167 Return -- Are you insane? 556 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:50,501 Did you hear nothing I said? 557 00:19:50,534 --> 00:19:51,467 Buy another one, Morty. 558 00:19:51,501 --> 00:19:53,367 Consume, Morty. 559 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,167 Nobody's out there shopping with this fucking virus. 560 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:57,100 Where's your fucking wallet?! 561 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:28,701 Rick: Tired of the same boring adventures 562 00:20:28,734 --> 00:20:30,133 with your dogshit Morty? 563 00:20:30,167 --> 00:20:31,801 Yeah! Aw. Geez. 564 00:20:31,834 --> 00:20:34,234 Then get ready for the Citadel of Rick's Story Train. 565 00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:36,100 Deep Voice: Story Train. Story Train. 566 00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:37,267 Rick: The Citadel of Rick's Story Train 567 00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:39,601 comes with car after car of enemies, lovers, 568 00:20:39,634 --> 00:20:40,601 and Goomby, all grappling with 569 00:20:40,634 --> 00:20:42,167 the nature of who you truly are. 570 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,767 Rick is a god! Tickets Please. 571 00:20:43,801 --> 00:20:45,434 Whoa! Watch out! It's Story Lord! 572 00:20:45,467 --> 00:20:46,667 Damn. He's jacked. 573 00:20:46,701 --> 00:20:48,367 Deep Voice: Pure cum gutter. 574 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:49,701 Rick: And of course, what story would be complete 575 00:20:49,734 --> 00:20:51,601 without the engineer of the Greatest Story Ever Told. 576 00:20:51,634 --> 00:20:52,701 Jesus Christ. 577 00:20:52,734 --> 00:20:54,133 Jesus: I have come not to judge 578 00:20:54,167 --> 00:20:55,734 the world, but to save it. 579 00:20:55,767 --> 00:20:57,501 Rick: And the best part is, the fun never ends. 580 00:20:57,534 --> 00:20:59,100 Thanks to the Rick-patented anthology generator, 581 00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:00,667 you'll never run out of new stories 582 00:21:00,701 --> 00:21:01,467 and people to tell them. 583 00:21:01,501 --> 00:21:03,167 Are they alive? Of course. 584 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:04,467 But not in any ways that matter. 585 00:21:04,501 --> 00:21:06,067 Deep Voice: They. Have. No. Souls. 586 00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:07,501 Puppets. Of. Fate. 587 00:21:07,534 --> 00:21:09,100 Rick: The Story Train. 588 00:21:09,133 --> 00:21:10,367 Available now in The Citadel of Ricks. 589 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,100 Buy it ironically. Buy it sincerely. Just buy it. 590 00:21:12,133 --> 00:21:13,400 Not buying it is an act of buying it. 591 00:21:13,434 --> 00:21:14,601 Buy it now. Look it up. It's real. 592 00:21:14,634 --> 00:21:16,467 www.story-train.com. 593 00:21:16,501 --> 00:21:18,734 On the Internet. It's there. Buy it. Buy the train. 594 00:21:18,767 --> 00:21:20,100 We want you to buy the train.