1
00:00:03,795 --> 00:00:05,922
Before we move
off this topic,
2
00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:08,091
can I ask if you're
currently a hologram?
3
00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:10,719
Yeah, yeah, h-hold on.
One sec.
4
00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:13,513
[ Grunts ] Left a bag of Funyuns
down there last week.
5
00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:15,974
Didn't want to waste our time.
Okay, let's do it.
6
00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:18,893
Therapy me.
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
7
00:00:18,893 --> 00:00:21,980
Do you need
to take that?
No.
Just the President.
8
00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:23,773
Maybe we should
turn off the phone.
9
00:00:23,773 --> 00:00:25,108
President of
the United States.
10
00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:26,526
Thought you might think
that was cool.
11
00:00:26,526 --> 00:00:28,278
You like it when people
think you're cool?
12
00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:31,072
You're extra analytical today.
Looking to remodel your kitchen?
13
00:00:31,072 --> 00:00:33,616
President: Sanchez!
I know you're in there!
14
00:00:33,616 --> 00:00:36,286
When I call you directly,
it's an emergency.
15
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,830
I was in therapy.
Don't stigmatize mental health.
16
00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:40,081
How rude of me.
17
00:00:40,081 --> 00:00:41,916
Hello,
I'm President Andre Curtis.
18
00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:44,294
Yes, I recognize you.
Oh? How nice.
19
00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:47,964
It's not nice to recognize
a president. Can we go?
20
00:00:47,964 --> 00:00:51,176
In 1961, the CIA
secretly relocated
21
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,136
the Loch Ness Monster
to Lake Erie
22
00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:55,013
and replaced her bones
with titanium.
23
00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:57,056
She was then bit
by several werewolves,
24
00:00:57,056 --> 00:00:59,392
giving us the ultimate
anti-submarine weapon.
25
00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:02,020
Got it.
But the Soviets smuggled
in a leprechaun,
26
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,855
who turned Nessie's
bones to silver,
27
00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:05,815
giving her
the were-version of AIDS.
28
00:01:05,815 --> 00:01:08,318
She sank to the bottom,
and we assumed she was dead.
29
00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:11,780
But she was only asleep.
Now she's awake and hungry.
30
00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:13,865
You can't date my shrink.
What?!
31
00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:16,743
Bro, you're nuts.
Then don't date my shrink.
32
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,995
I'm not
dating your shrink!
33
00:01:18,995 --> 00:01:20,663
She probably doesn't
even like me.
34
00:01:20,663 --> 00:01:22,957
Stand down, Sanchez!
Tell him to stand down!
35
00:01:22,957 --> 00:01:24,501
Would you let him
bang your therapist?
36
00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:26,211
I don't believe
in therapy!
37
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,838
What the hell does that even
mean, you don't believe in it?
38
00:01:28,838 --> 00:01:30,924
He's a scientologist.
Don't date my shrink!
39
00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:32,926
And don't be
a space Mormon!
Why not?!
40
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:36,429
It's silly!
Sorry, it's a cheap shot.
41
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,598
Worship how you want.
42
00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:40,475
I like Tom Cruise.
Thank you.
43
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:43,353
Therapy's working.
Keep it in your pants.
44
00:01:43,353 --> 00:02:15,134
{\an8}♪
45
00:02:15,134 --> 00:02:16,553
[ Applause]
46
00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:19,347
Ooh, welcome back
to Mr. Stabby!
47
00:02:19,347 --> 00:02:22,058
Let's get another question
from the audience!
48
00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:23,393
Audience member: Ow! Augh!
49
00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,687
Why do people get tickets
to his tapings?
50
00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:27,564
{\an8}It's a fame-obsessed
culture.
51
00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:29,566
{\an8}[ Cellphone vibrates ]
Mr. President.
52
00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,943
{\an8}President: I've got
an emergency, Rick.
Another President mission?
53
00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:34,028
{\an8}Y-You just killed the
Loch Ness Monster for him.
54
00:02:34,028 --> 00:02:35,321
{\an8}Tell that little bitch
to zip it.
55
00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:36,698
{\an8}You can't talk to me
like that!
56
00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,116
{\an8}T-Tell him he can't
talk to me like that!
57
00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:39,617
{\an8}You can't talk to Morty
like that.
58
00:02:39,617 --> 00:02:41,494
{\an8}Whatever.
I'll portal over.
59
00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:44,998
{\an8}I've seen this one anyway.
The audience dies.
60
00:02:46,791 --> 00:02:48,501
{\an8}Rick, thanks for coming.
61
00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:50,670
{\an8}We've got a situation
in the state of Virginia.
62
00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,130
{\an8}Bigfoot?
That's Montana.
63
00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:54,465
{\an8}Nazis?
That's, uh... everywhere.
64
00:02:54,465 --> 00:02:56,217
{\an8}That's an exaggeration, sir.
65
00:02:56,217 --> 00:02:58,303
{\an8}[ Sighs ]
Jesus, Carl, you, too?
66
00:02:58,303 --> 00:03:01,264
{\an8}The problem in Virginia is... love.
67
00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:03,808
{\an8}You've heard the state motto,
"Virginia is for Lovers"?
68
00:03:03,808 --> 00:03:06,185
{\an8}Well, now they've
codified it into law.
69
00:03:06,185 --> 00:03:07,645
{\an8}Virginia
has declared itself
70
00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:10,148
{\an8}literally and exclusively
for lovers.
71
00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:12,108
{\an8}Sounds boring.
It gets worse.
72
00:03:12,108 --> 00:03:15,945
{\an8}There's no crime, no poverty,
and suspiciously, no complaints.
73
00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:19,115
{\an8}The governor just hit
100% approval rating.
74
00:03:19,115 --> 00:03:21,200
{\an8}And that's worse?
100%?
75
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,577
{\an8}Get on the web, Dwayne.
76
00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:24,621
{\an8}There's no such thing
as 100% of anything.
77
00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:28,207
{\an8}America knows and incinerates
a cult when it sees one.
78
00:03:28,207 --> 00:03:30,126
{\an8}But I can't do that
to all of Virginia,
79
00:03:30,126 --> 00:03:31,711
{\an8}so we need to infiltrate.
80
00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:33,630
{\an8}I volunteer to do acid
to prove I'm not a cop.
81
00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:36,132
{\an8}No lone wolves. We need
a crack team for this one.
82
00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:38,134
{\an8}Rick, meet Fleeflak.
83
00:03:38,134 --> 00:03:39,886
{\an8}He might be able
to tell the future.
84
00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:41,554
{\an8}Rick: Might?
We're waiting to find out.
85
00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:43,306
{\an8}Onyx here is
a weapons specialist,
86
00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:45,683
{\an8}and our eye in the sky
is my chief of staff bot,
87
00:03:45,683 --> 00:03:46,935
{\an8}Chi-Chi.
Sleek.
88
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:48,645
{\an8}Yes,
an excellent team.
89
00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:50,647
{\an8}Eh, but there's
something missing...
90
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:53,650
{\an8}a psychology expert, perhaps.
Oh, fuck me.
91
00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:55,109
{\an8}You pretended to need
a crack team
92
00:03:55,109 --> 00:03:56,402
{\an8}so you could get
Wong's number?
93
00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:58,655
{\an8}Get her number?
I own the CIA.
94
00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:00,657
{\an8}If I wanted,
I could get her genome.
95
00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:03,326
{\an8}So you wanted what from me,
permission? You got it.
96
00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:05,370
{\an8}It's a free country,
so you're always saying.
97
00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:07,163
{\an8}That's certainly all
I'd be willing to pay.
98
00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:09,332
{\an8}You're making me choose?
You or her?
99
00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:11,000
There's three billion women
on this planet
100
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,044
that have nothing
to do with me.
101
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:15,129
Can you blame them?
You suck.
102
00:04:15,129 --> 00:04:17,340
Wait! Danger!
103
00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:19,592
Wow, that's great, buddy.
104
00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:23,054
It's goin' right
on the fridge.
105
00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:25,974
{\an8}♪
106
00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:28,476
I appreciate your lending
your expertise to this mission,
107
00:04:28,476 --> 00:04:29,686
Dr. Wong.
108
00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:31,229
Gun?
No, thank you.
109
00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:34,190
I was surprised to receive
your call but excited.
110
00:04:34,190 --> 00:04:36,359
I haven't done field work
since grad school.
111
00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:37,860
We think the people
of Virginia
112
00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:40,363
have become some kind
of hippy sex cult.
113
00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:42,865
I haven't done that
since grad school, either.
114
00:04:42,865 --> 00:04:46,202
Ho-ho! Dr. Wong,
you are a firecracker!
115
00:04:46,202 --> 00:04:48,121
Sir, we've reached
the border.
116
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,455
Halt!
117
00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:52,333
I'm so sorry,
Mr. President,
118
00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:54,335
Virginia is closed
to visitors.
119
00:04:54,335 --> 00:04:56,629
I thought it was for lovers.
I'm a lover.
120
00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:58,381
You guys lovers?
Mm-hmm.
121
00:04:58,381 --> 00:04:59,757
I appreciate that,
122
00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:01,092
but the rest
of your country
123
00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:03,177
doesn't need Virginia's love
right now.
124
00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:05,888
You know, the last time
a state talked that way,
125
00:05:05,888 --> 00:05:07,807
we had to have
a whole thing.
126
00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:09,058
And?
127
00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:12,186
And this time, the other side
has nukes.
128
00:05:12,186 --> 00:05:14,605
[ Sighs ] Let them in.
129
00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:17,191
Well done, Doctor.
130
00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:18,401
Call me Helen.
131
00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,987
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
132
00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:23,531
[ Cellphone stops ]
133
00:05:23,531 --> 00:05:28,327
As you can see, Virginia
has no crime, no poverty.
134
00:05:28,327 --> 00:05:29,787
All goods
are freely given.
135
00:05:29,787 --> 00:05:30,997
Communist bastards.
136
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,707
And all goods
are freely made.
137
00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:34,375
Communist bastards!
138
00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:36,169
So, what happened?
Tell me the secret.
139
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,629
Well, if I tell you,
you'll tell everyone.
140
00:05:38,629 --> 00:05:41,299
But if I show you,
you won't have to.
141
00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:43,092
How unsettling
and cryptic.
142
00:05:43,092 --> 00:05:44,552
[ Roars ]
143
00:05:44,552 --> 00:05:46,429
Oh!
144
00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:49,057
My God!
So that's it?
145
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:51,434
You're all just drunk!
146
00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:54,062
Sir! It's some kind of
body-snatching hive-mind!
147
00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:56,105
Finally your religion
comes in handy!
148
00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:59,859
No! My only chance
at meeting Will Smith!
149
00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:04,572
{\an8}♪
150
00:06:04,572 --> 00:06:06,240
Pick up your phone,
asshole!
151
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,618
When I call,
it's an actual emergency!
152
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:11,079
Rick?
153
00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:12,497
Unity.
154
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:14,540
Take it easy,
take it easy.
155
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:17,293
I can explain. Just let me
get things under control.
156
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:19,462
You controlling things
is the explanation.
157
00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,839
And we agreed you wouldn't do it
where I work.
158
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,426
What the fuck are you
spraying me with?
159
00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:27,428
A new scent I picked up
after you left.
160
00:06:27,428 --> 00:06:29,013
I call it "Separation."
161
00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:31,307
You concocted
a me repellent?
162
00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:34,560
Does that look like
a bad idea?
163
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:38,356
Rick, are you in a relationship
with the population of Virginia?
164
00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:39,899
We dated.
165
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:43,694
All: I just want to talk.
166
00:06:43,694 --> 00:06:46,114
I'm pretty sure you have
trillions of cellphones.
167
00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,199
No, come back!
Let's talk!
168
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:52,161
{\an8}♪
169
00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:53,955
Thank God you had
a crack team with you.
170
00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:55,665
Where's Helen?
"Helen"?
171
00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:58,042
She initiated first name.
172
00:06:58,042 --> 00:06:59,961
Whoa!
Call in a chopper!
173
00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,420
I'm being
cock blocked!
174
00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:03,256
Rick...
175
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,549
it's me.
176
00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:06,342
I was released
from Unity.
177
00:07:06,342 --> 00:07:08,302
Cool. So you won't mind
if I spray this.
178
00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:10,429
I won't,
but we're surrounded
179
00:07:10,429 --> 00:07:12,557
and Unity knows
your reload time.
180
00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:15,476
I really believe you and Unity
should talk.
181
00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:17,937
How would you know?
You're just a nutritionist.
182
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,690
When you work in nutritionism
as long as I have,
183
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:23,359
you get a certain feel.
184
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,280
All: Calm down.
185
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,907
We came because
we're worried about you.
186
00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:32,201
Why?
We hear things, Rick.
187
00:07:32,201 --> 00:07:36,956
I tried calling, but is it true
you're looking for... him again?
188
00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:40,042
You almost died last time.
That's none
of your business.
189
00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:42,545
All: You're our business.
You quit that business!
190
00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:44,046
And you're fired
from that business!
191
00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:46,215
And I'm using your last paycheck
to cover the stapler
192
00:07:46,215 --> 00:07:48,885
you stole
which was my heart!
193
00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:51,554
Civil War, baby!
194
00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,222
[ People screaming ]
195
00:07:53,222 --> 00:07:55,725
Sorry! That was supposed
to be suppressive!
196
00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:59,729
Aah! Aah!
Rick, wait!
197
00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:01,731
Aah!
198
00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,900
Thank you, Andre.
Thank you, Helen.
199
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:06,277
It's time to put
these bastards on ice.
200
00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:08,070
Cue up the dome!
201
00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:09,739
Yes, sir!
202
00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:23,336
{\an8}♪
203
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,587
Ow!
204
00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:30,927
{\an8}♪
205
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:33,638
Do you have a dome
the size of every state?
206
00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:37,225
[ Chuckles ] You'll need
a second date for that answer.
207
00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:39,810
Barf.
208
00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:43,731
{\an8}News Anchor:
A nation in turmoil tonight
as the entire state of Virginia
209
00:08:45,107 --> 00:08:46,275
{\an8}continues to be trapped
inside an energy dome.
210
00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:47,693
{\an8}The White House released
a statement dismissing
211
00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:51,447
{\an8}the President's shouts of
"Civil War, baby," as hyperbole.
212
00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:53,074
{\an8}Shonda,
what do we make of that?
213
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:54,825
{\an8}More like Hyper Bully, Tom.
214
00:08:54,825 --> 00:08:56,661
{\an8}Oh, shit.
Shonda came to play.
215
00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,079
{\an8}This President has been
in office
216
00:08:58,079 --> 00:08:59,956
{\an8}for how many
alien invasions?
217
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,624
Not to mention
the mutant turkeys,
218
00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:03,626
the abandoned White House
orbiting our planet,
219
00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:05,294
the eco-conscious
dinosaurs.
220
00:09:05,294 --> 00:09:07,380
Then he sees Virginia
with its perfect economy
221
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:08,923
and synchronized
lawn mowing,
222
00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:11,467
so he shoots them
and puts them in a dome?
223
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:14,095
Classic Curtis.
Will someone mute
the goddamn news?
224
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:16,639
If I want a list of my failures,
I'd dig up my mother.
225
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:19,225
I'm-- I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry,
that's a turnoff, right?
226
00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:21,560
Guy screaming about his mother
in a war room?
227
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,604
Sanchez!
America hates your dome!
228
00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:25,898
How long is it
going to be up?
Hope you marked that.
229
00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:27,900
It was his dome in the chopper,
now it's mine.
230
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:30,611
It will contain that part
of Unity until I shut it down,
231
00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:33,572
because one of us here
knows how to set boundaries.
232
00:09:33,572 --> 00:09:36,993
Rick, I agree that my accepting
this mission was inappropriate.
233
00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:38,577
When I was invited,
I didn't know--
234
00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:40,204
That he was
hitting on you?
235
00:09:40,204 --> 00:09:42,832
I was aware of potential
romantic motivations.
236
00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,792
And I was open to them.
Bam.
237
00:09:44,792 --> 00:09:47,378
But I did not know you and I
would be crossing paths.
238
00:09:47,378 --> 00:09:48,921
You mean
you didn't care
239
00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:50,673
because, on one hand,
you got professional ethics
240
00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:52,675
and, in the other hand,
you got world-famous schlong.
241
00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:54,635
Now I get to beat you.
Bring it.
242
00:09:54,635 --> 00:09:56,345
Alien vessel
approaching Earth!
243
00:09:56,345 --> 00:09:57,847
It's hailing us!
Put it through.
244
00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:00,016
I don't work for you.
You couldn't. You suck.
245
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:01,475
I'll do it.
246
00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:02,768
Mr. President.
247
00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:04,603
Lady, you bring that ship
to America's planet,
248
00:10:04,603 --> 00:10:06,480
I'm launching
4,000 warheads,
249
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,482
3,000 of which
will turn out to work.
250
00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:11,235
Then I'll call China,
and you're really fucked.
251
00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:12,611
Let's listen to Unity.
252
00:10:12,611 --> 00:10:14,363
Are you still here?
Are you?
253
00:10:14,363 --> 00:10:16,115
If I wanted Earth,
I would have taken it.
254
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:17,575
Oh, bullshit.
Gimme a break.
255
00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:19,243
You cut eight million pieces
of me off.
256
00:10:19,243 --> 00:10:20,828
It hurt.
Boo-hoo.
257
00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:22,621
You've made it clear
we can't be friends, Rick,
258
00:10:22,621 --> 00:10:24,457
but I need to reconnect
those people
259
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,042
so I can properly
release them.
260
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,002
They're hosting
a mindless collective.
261
00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:31,088
If it connects to another mind,
it could become its own colony.
262
00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:32,715
Wow, you made
a PowerPoint?
263
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:35,259
I needed you to understand
how serious this is.
264
00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:37,470
I can handle it.
We got the spray, bitch!
265
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,138
Don't talk to them
like that.
266
00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:41,057
Rick, do you not trust
Unity?
267
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,433
Shut up. Apologize.
268
00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:44,226
Eat me.
Do you not trust me,
Rick?
269
00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:46,354
Who would?!
Let Rick answer.
270
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:47,855
Baby, I know you want to help,
but--
271
00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:50,274
Andre, I think
we need to move slower.
272
00:10:50,274 --> 00:10:51,817
Slower?
I haven't even touched you,
273
00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:53,235
and you're already
back seat war rooming.
274
00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:54,904
Andre.
Helen.
Rick?
275
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:56,155
I don't trust you.
276
00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:57,990
You ghosted me
to focus on your work.
277
00:10:57,990 --> 00:10:59,784
Your work is absorbing
the universe.
278
00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:01,827
But it's my universe.
Please go.
279
00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:04,246
We'll spray the Virginians
before they touch anyone.
280
00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:05,790
I'm sorry
you lost a finger,
281
00:11:05,790 --> 00:11:07,917
but that's the price
of surprise butt play.
282
00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:10,419
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
283
00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:12,046
Alien vessel is departing.
284
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:14,465
Good job, people.
I'll run the aerosol cannon
285
00:11:14,465 --> 00:11:16,258
from the chopper.
We need the optics.
286
00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:17,885
Send out a press release.
287
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:20,388
"President sprays Virginia
with the opposite of bullets."
288
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:21,764
Write it better than that.
289
00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:23,808
You riding shotgun,
or you staying butt hurt?
290
00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:26,352
Suck my dick
and lose my number. You too.
291
00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:29,855
If you invite me to the wedding,
I will shit in the punch.
292
00:11:31,565 --> 00:11:33,818
He'll be back.
What would you like for dinner?
293
00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:36,028
I'm not interested
in taking this further.
294
00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:38,155
What? Why?
That's insane.
295
00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:40,241
How can you be a therapist
and insane?
296
00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:43,285
Since you're asking
for feedback, my sincere advice
297
00:11:43,285 --> 00:11:45,996
is that you overcome
your need for approval.
298
00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:47,915
Okay, you want to play it
that way?
299
00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:50,459
There's an exit tunnel
by the ladies' room.
300
00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:54,130
It gets lots of use!
And not just by sex workers!
301
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:57,633
Can you at least tell security
I did the dumping?
302
00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,513
Uh...
you okay?
303
00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:03,722
Yes.
304
00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:05,808
The news said Virginia
was a hive-mind.
305
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,643
Yes.
Was it--
306
00:12:07,643 --> 00:12:09,645
Yes!
Oh, my God,
dude, whatever.
307
00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:11,981
When's the last time
you saw your therapist?
Today!
308
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,691
Well, then she sucks!
No shit!
309
00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:15,818
Stop yelling at me!
I need boundaries!
310
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,320
Well, here's a big one,
fuck face!
311
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,448
[ Door slams ]
312
00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:21,991
Sorry.
313
00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:26,495
{\an8}♪
314
00:12:26,495 --> 00:12:28,330
Arriving at the dome, sir.
315
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:29,957
Good!
I don't need anybody!
316
00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:31,876
What?
What? I said good!
317
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:33,544
Tell me when we're there!
We are!
318
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:36,505
Roger that! Just gonna see
how we're looking!
319
00:12:36,505 --> 00:12:38,716
And there's Helicopter One
with the aforementioned gas,
320
00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:41,135
and you can actually see
President Curtis inside,
321
00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:43,929
checking his phone to see if
this will make people like him.
322
00:12:43,929 --> 00:12:46,557
There he is frowning now,
of course, as he realizes
323
00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:49,518
no amount of spectacle is going
to undo his last debacle.
324
00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:52,438
Shonda?
Ohh, not Shonda.
She hates me.
325
00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:54,190
It's true, Tom.
I mean, yes,
326
00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:56,150
President Curtis is going
to release Virginia
327
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:58,319
from yet another
alien threat,
328
00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:00,362
but when they are free
to speak their minds,
329
00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:01,822
does he really think
they're going to say,
330
00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:03,199
"Wow, what a President"?
331
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:04,533
Deactivating dome, sir!
332
00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:06,035
The fact is, nothing short
of literally
333
00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:08,078
a 100% percent
approval rating
334
00:13:08,078 --> 00:13:10,873
is gonna save Curtis
in the next election.
335
00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:13,709
Let her rip, sir!
336
00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:18,172
100% approval.
337
00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:20,799
Whoopsie! I-
I-I'll be right back!
Sir?
338
00:13:20,799 --> 00:13:22,259
I just gotta get
the thing.
339
00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:24,762
Wha? Huh?
How is that going to work?
340
00:13:26,805 --> 00:13:31,018
Give it to me.
Give me that hive!
341
00:13:33,812 --> 00:13:36,315
Mother forgive me.
Just forgive me. I need it.
342
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:37,900
[ Swallows ]
343
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:41,529
[ All gasp ]
344
00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,656
Holy...
345
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,825
All: Shit!
346
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:50,579
{\an8}Loved ones are gathered here
to reunite with the captives,
347
00:13:50,579 --> 00:13:52,623
{\an8}who appear to walking,
quite eagerly,
348
00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:54,875
{\an8}and now running,
in perfect unison, toward them.
349
00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:56,919
{\an8}Such a beautiful scene--
everyone kissing.
350
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:59,922
{\an8}And now everyone that got kisses
is kissing everyone else.
351
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:02,049
{\an8}Heartfelt,
almost disgusting kisses.
352
00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:04,593
{\an8}The wave of affection
is headed in all directions.
353
00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:07,179
{\an8}Hello, sir.
The President has saved us.
354
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:08,806
{\an8}He's the best president.
355
00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:10,724
The best man, really, ever.
His mother was wrong.
356
00:14:10,724 --> 00:14:13,519
Uh-oh. Did somebody close
the lady tunnel?
357
00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:16,063
[ Screeching ]
358
00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:17,606
[ People screaming ]
359
00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:20,943
Hey, Rick,
w-w-was Unity--
360
00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:22,903
She's gone,
and I don't care!
361
00:14:22,903 --> 00:14:25,656
I think she's back.
Hmm?
362
00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:27,992
Someone order
cranky dick?
363
00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:29,618
I said I was sorry.
No, you didn't.
364
00:14:29,618 --> 00:14:31,245
I said it quietly.
Shut up.
365
00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:33,414
{\an8}Now, Governor, can you explain
why all of Virginia ran
366
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:35,958
{\an8}in all directions and puked
on everyone in the country?
367
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:39,461
{\an8}It's simple, News Man. They
puke in love of the president.
368
00:14:39,461 --> 00:14:42,131
{\an8}We approve of the president.
Everyone does.
369
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,508
{\an8}[ Chuckles ] Sorry, Governor,
but you're making me
370
00:14:44,508 --> 00:14:46,218
{\an8}bring Shonda into this.
Thanks, Tom.
371
00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:48,637
{\an8}Governor, I can assure you
that no matter
372
00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:50,472
{\an8}how you personally
may feel--
373
00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:54,977
{\an8}Good president.
President good, good, good.
374
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:58,397
{\an8}Are you okay? Uh, Josh
just vomited into your mou--
375
00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:00,941
{\an8}Oh! Ha!
I get it now!
376
00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:02,359
{\an8}Wow! What a president!
377
00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:04,445
{\an8}Approval here!
President approved!
378
00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,405
{\an8}I thought Unity promised
to never do this.
379
00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:08,824
That's not Unity. You kids
stay inside and lock up.
380
00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:10,200
Dad's still out shopping.
381
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,328
Then stay inside,
lock up, and plug your ears.
382
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:15,664
Where are you going?
Therapy.
383
00:15:15,664 --> 00:15:17,583
Thank God.
384
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:20,502
[ People screaming,
glass shatters ]
385
00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:24,673
{\an8}♪
386
00:15:24,673 --> 00:15:25,924
Huh?
387
00:15:25,924 --> 00:15:27,259
Aah!
388
00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:30,304
[ Screams ]
389
00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:31,722
Aah!
390
00:15:33,932 --> 00:15:36,060
You're rehired.
391
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,145
Is-- Is that Unity?
It's your boyfriend.
392
00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:40,147
He must have linked
with the severed hive-mind.
393
00:15:40,147 --> 00:15:41,482
He's going to assimilate
the Earth
394
00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:42,900
faster than
I can fight it.
395
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,193
And you want me
to talk to him?
396
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:45,444
There's no talking
to him.
397
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:47,029
No human mind can
keep itself together
398
00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:48,656
while controlling
millions of people.
399
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,699
So where are we going?
I need Unity's help.
400
00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:53,202
So you need to convince her
I'm worth it.
401
00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:55,496
You aren't.
So lie.
402
00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:57,665
[ Alarm blaring ]
403
00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:59,541
Ship AI:
Inbound vessel detected.
404
00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:01,960
Tell him to turn around.
Tell me in person.
405
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,962
I'm already here.
Goddamn it!
But your ship was just--
406
00:16:03,962 --> 00:16:05,881
You have your gimmicks,
I have mine.
407
00:16:05,881 --> 00:16:07,883
This is my therapist.
She can vouch for me.
408
00:16:07,883 --> 00:16:09,677
We met.
She was me for a second.
409
00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:12,304
What do you want, Rick?
Look, it's clear
you weren't lying
410
00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:13,972
when you said
you could've taken over Earth
411
00:16:13,972 --> 00:16:15,974
because your finger
just took over America.
412
00:16:15,974 --> 00:16:17,393
I need you to help me
fix that.
413
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,520
Oh, it took that
to make you believe me?
414
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:20,896
Why should I believe you?
415
00:16:20,896 --> 00:16:23,190
You show up unannounced
and hijack a state.
416
00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:25,901
I called you!
Multiple times!
417
00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:27,403
You ghosted me!
418
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:28,737
Rick, is that true?
419
00:16:28,737 --> 00:16:30,698
She dumped me.
Why would I answer her calls?
420
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,658
Alright, I'm going to commit
a cardinal sin
421
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:36,161
in couple's therapy here,
but, Rick, I think you're wrong.
422
00:16:36,161 --> 00:16:37,913
Bringing you
was a mistake.
423
00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:40,708
You had an outer-space lady
who was worried for your life,
424
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:44,336
and your response was hostile
enough to cause a huge problem.
425
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:45,754
Thank you.
426
00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:48,298
Now you're asking her to both
forgive you and solve it?
427
00:16:48,298 --> 00:16:50,884
Unity, I think the reason
Rick brought me here
428
00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:54,263
is that he doesn't know how to
indicate to you he's changed,
429
00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:56,974
because he's changing
very slowly.
430
00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:59,226
But he is.
431
00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:01,228
Alright, anyone else
wanna call me a baby?
432
00:17:01,228 --> 00:17:04,815
Maybe we can drag this out until
Earth is fully assimilated?
433
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:08,527
Alright. So you're asking
for an invasion?
434
00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:22,082
{\an8}♪
435
00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:24,710
[ Creatures screeching ]
436
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:45,105
{\an8}♪
437
00:17:45,105 --> 00:17:47,649
Hold 'em back!
They love me, they just forgot!
438
00:17:47,649 --> 00:17:50,360
All: They just forgot!
They just forgot!
439
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:53,489
{\an8}♪
440
00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:55,824
No! Stop!
You love me!
441
00:17:55,824 --> 00:17:59,453
W-Why are you stopping?
I've won you over?
442
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,416
Oh, good!
You're here!
443
00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:06,502
Unity,
kept them warm for you.
444
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,212
They went a little crazy,
but, uh...
445
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:10,672
Anyway, seems like
this is all over.
446
00:18:10,672 --> 00:18:12,424
Helen, we could grab
some coffee.
447
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:14,968
Wait, Unity,
what are you doing?
448
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:17,679
Alright, Rick,
that's everyone.
449
00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:19,181
Nice job, Une.
450
00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:22,100
Well, this has been
quite a session.
451
00:18:22,100 --> 00:18:24,353
Hope you do
group discounts.
452
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,939
Actually, just send the bill
to the White House.
453
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:30,108
I wouldn't be doing this
for anyone else, Rick.
454
00:18:30,108 --> 00:18:32,194
Yeah, it was nice
to team up again.
455
00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:34,696
No, I mean
I wouldn't be doing it.
456
00:18:34,696 --> 00:18:37,658
I've never released hundreds
of millions of people before.
457
00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,661
This is gonna suck.
458
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,871
[ Sighs ]
459
00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:45,958
[ Groaning ]
460
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,461
{\an8}♪
461
00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:51,588
[ Groaning ]
462
00:18:51,588 --> 00:18:59,805
{\an8}♪
463
00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,723
[ Cellphones chiming ]
464
00:19:01,723 --> 00:19:05,144
{\an8}♪
465
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,396
[ Engines turn over,
horns honking ]
466
00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:14,069
{\an8}♪
467
00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:16,864
[ Breathes deeply ]
468
00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:19,867
Here, it's over.
Nice job, Une.
469
00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:22,703
I'm fine.
You want a painkiller?
470
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:25,706
I, uh, I'm on a few of them
right now.
471
00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:27,082
No, thank you.
472
00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:29,418
I mean, you can hang out
if you want,
473
00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:32,087
come see the kids,
474
00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:33,839
I trust you now.
475
00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:37,426
That's nice,
but I don't trust you.
476
00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:39,595
Fair enough.
477
00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:47,895
[ Sighs ]
478
00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:54,943
[ Can tab pops ]
479
00:19:54,943 --> 00:19:57,446
[ Slurps ]
480
00:19:57,446 --> 00:19:58,780
[ Machine beeps ]
481
00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,699
Unity: Hey, Rick, it's Unity.
482
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:03,160
Uh, give me a call, okay?
483
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:04,661
Hey, Rick. Unity.
484
00:20:04,661 --> 00:20:06,246
Look, cards on the table,
485
00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:08,123
I heard you were going
after that guy again.
486
00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:10,500
Just made me worried.
Give me a call.
487
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:13,253
Look, I get it, I dumped you.
You're ignoring me.
488
00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:17,007
But I care about you, and I-I
just wanna know you're alright.
489
00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:20,761
Hey, Rick, listen, I'm just
gonna stop by Virginia, okay?
490
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:22,721
I don't know what state
you live in,
491
00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:24,598
but I'll camp out there
and try to reach you.
492
00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,183
Hope you're okay.
493
00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:28,310
David Miscavige: Hey, Rick.
David Miscavige here.
494
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,187
Heard you were saying
some really great things
495
00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:31,605
about Scientology.
496
00:20:31,605 --> 00:20:33,065
If you ever wanna meet
Travolta--
497
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,441
End playback!
498
00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:41,406
You, uh, really went all in
on that approval, huh?
499
00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:43,533
Yeah.
500
00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:46,286
Shonda's gonna
eat me alive.
501
00:20:46,286 --> 00:20:47,704
Eh, fuck 'em.
502
00:20:47,704 --> 00:20:50,332
Thanks, Rick.
[ Slurps ]
503
00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:53,961
Don't take this the wrong way,
but. uh...
504
00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:57,506
I think I might
need therapy.
505
00:20:57,506 --> 00:21:33,792
{\an8}♪
506
00:21:33,792 --> 00:21:35,794
And we're back
with Mr. Stabby.
507
00:21:35,794 --> 00:21:38,797
What do you say to people
who say, "I don't want
to get stabbed.
508
00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:42,050
I want to go a show. I have
a right to not get stabbed"?
509
00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:44,636
Well, Gary, I have a right
to arms and legs.
510
00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:46,388
But I wasn't born
with those.
511
00:21:46,388 --> 00:21:48,473
And I don't think that means
I should be boxed out
512
00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:50,350
of an industry where,
let's face it,
513
00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:52,477
there's zero representation
of people
514
00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:54,229
with swords
for arms and legs.
515
00:21:54,229 --> 00:21:56,732
But do you have to take
questions from the audience?
516
00:21:56,732 --> 00:21:59,526
People come to my show because
they want the experience.
517
00:21:59,526 --> 00:22:01,695
If they didn't want it,
they'd stop coming.
518
00:22:01,695 --> 00:22:06,658
Your show has resulted in
the deaths of 58,000 attendees.
519
00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:10,120
Well,
you're talking about it.
520
00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:13,081
Man:
Did you get any of that?