1 00:00:03,795 --> 00:00:05,922 Before we move off this topic, 2 00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:08,091 can I ask if you're currently a hologram? 3 00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:10,719 Yeah, yeah, h-hold on. One sec. 4 00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:13,513 [ Grunts ] Left a bag of Funyuns down there last week. 5 00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:15,974 Didn't want to waste our time. Okay, let's do it. 6 00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:18,893 Therapy me. [ Cellphone vibrates ] 7 00:00:18,893 --> 00:00:21,980 Do you need to take that? No. Just the President. 8 00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:23,773 Maybe we should turn off the phone. 9 00:00:23,773 --> 00:00:25,108 President of the United States. 10 00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:26,526 Thought you might think that was cool. 11 00:00:26,526 --> 00:00:28,278 You like it when people think you're cool? 12 00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:31,072 You're extra analytical today. Looking to remodel your kitchen? 13 00:00:31,072 --> 00:00:33,616 President: Sanchez! I know you're in there! 14 00:00:33,616 --> 00:00:36,286 When I call you directly, it's an emergency. 15 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,830 I was in therapy. Don't stigmatize mental health. 16 00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:40,081 How rude of me. 17 00:00:40,081 --> 00:00:41,916 Hello, I'm President Andre Curtis. 18 00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:44,294 Yes, I recognize you. Oh? How nice. 19 00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:47,964 It's not nice to recognize a president. Can we go? 20 00:00:47,964 --> 00:00:51,176 In 1961, the CIA secretly relocated 21 00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,136 the Loch Ness Monster to Lake Erie 22 00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:55,013 and replaced her bones with titanium. 23 00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:57,056 She was then bit by several werewolves, 24 00:00:57,056 --> 00:00:59,392 giving us the ultimate anti-submarine weapon. 25 00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:02,020 Got it. But the Soviets smuggled in a leprechaun, 26 00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,855 who turned Nessie's bones to silver, 27 00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:05,815 giving her the were-version of AIDS. 28 00:01:05,815 --> 00:01:08,318 She sank to the bottom, and we assumed she was dead. 29 00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:11,780 But she was only asleep. Now she's awake and hungry. 30 00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:13,865 You can't date my shrink. What?! 31 00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:16,743 Bro, you're nuts. Then don't date my shrink. 32 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,995 I'm not dating your shrink! 33 00:01:18,995 --> 00:01:20,663 She probably doesn't even like me. 34 00:01:20,663 --> 00:01:22,957 Stand down, Sanchez! Tell him to stand down! 35 00:01:22,957 --> 00:01:24,501 Would you let him bang your therapist? 36 00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:26,211 I don't believe in therapy! 37 00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,838 What the hell does that even mean, you don't believe in it? 38 00:01:28,838 --> 00:01:30,924 He's a scientologist. Don't date my shrink! 39 00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:32,926 And don't be a space Mormon! Why not?! 40 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:36,429 It's silly! Sorry, it's a cheap shot. 41 00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,598 Worship how you want. 42 00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:40,475 I like Tom Cruise. Thank you. 43 00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:43,353 Therapy's working. Keep it in your pants. 44 00:01:43,353 --> 00:02:15,134 {\an8}♪ 45 00:02:15,134 --> 00:02:16,553 [ Applause] 46 00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:19,347 Ooh, welcome back to Mr. Stabby! 47 00:02:19,347 --> 00:02:22,058 Let's get another question from the audience! 48 00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:23,393 Audience member: Ow! Augh! 49 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,687 Why do people get tickets to his tapings? 50 00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:27,564 {\an8}It's a fame-obsessed culture. 51 00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:29,566 {\an8}[ Cellphone vibrates ] Mr. President. 52 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,943 {\an8}President: I've got an emergency, Rick. Another President mission? 53 00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:34,028 {\an8}Y-You just killed the Loch Ness Monster for him. 54 00:02:34,028 --> 00:02:35,321 {\an8}Tell that little bitch to zip it. 55 00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:36,698 {\an8}You can't talk to me like that! 56 00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,116 {\an8}T-Tell him he can't talk to me like that! 57 00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:39,617 {\an8}You can't talk to Morty like that. 58 00:02:39,617 --> 00:02:41,494 {\an8}Whatever. I'll portal over. 59 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:44,998 {\an8}I've seen this one anyway. The audience dies. 60 00:02:46,791 --> 00:02:48,501 {\an8}Rick, thanks for coming. 61 00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:50,670 {\an8}We've got a situation in the state of Virginia. 62 00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,130 {\an8}Bigfoot? That's Montana. 63 00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:54,465 {\an8}Nazis? That's, uh... everywhere. 64 00:02:54,465 --> 00:02:56,217 {\an8}That's an exaggeration, sir. 65 00:02:56,217 --> 00:02:58,303 {\an8}[ Sighs ] Jesus, Carl, you, too? 66 00:02:58,303 --> 00:03:01,264 {\an8}The problem in Virginia is... love. 67 00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:03,808 {\an8}You've heard the state motto, "Virginia is for Lovers"? 68 00:03:03,808 --> 00:03:06,185 {\an8}Well, now they've codified it into law. 69 00:03:06,185 --> 00:03:07,645 {\an8}Virginia has declared itself 70 00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:10,148 {\an8}literally and exclusively for lovers. 71 00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:12,108 {\an8}Sounds boring. It gets worse. 72 00:03:12,108 --> 00:03:15,945 {\an8}There's no crime, no poverty, and suspiciously, no complaints. 73 00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:19,115 {\an8}The governor just hit 100% approval rating. 74 00:03:19,115 --> 00:03:21,200 {\an8}And that's worse? 100%? 75 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,577 {\an8}Get on the web, Dwayne. 76 00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:24,621 {\an8}There's no such thing as 100% of anything. 77 00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:28,207 {\an8}America knows and incinerates a cult when it sees one. 78 00:03:28,207 --> 00:03:30,126 {\an8}But I can't do that to all of Virginia, 79 00:03:30,126 --> 00:03:31,711 {\an8}so we need to infiltrate. 80 00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:33,630 {\an8}I volunteer to do acid to prove I'm not a cop. 81 00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:36,132 {\an8}No lone wolves. We need a crack team for this one. 82 00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:38,134 {\an8}Rick, meet Fleeflak. 83 00:03:38,134 --> 00:03:39,886 {\an8}He might be able to tell the future. 84 00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:41,554 {\an8}Rick: Might? We're waiting to find out. 85 00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:43,306 {\an8}Onyx here is a weapons specialist, 86 00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:45,683 {\an8}and our eye in the sky is my chief of staff bot, 87 00:03:45,683 --> 00:03:46,935 {\an8}Chi-Chi. Sleek. 88 00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:48,645 {\an8}Yes, an excellent team. 89 00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:50,647 {\an8}Eh, but there's something missing... 90 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:53,650 {\an8}a psychology expert, perhaps. Oh, fuck me. 91 00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:55,109 {\an8}You pretended to need a crack team 92 00:03:55,109 --> 00:03:56,402 {\an8}so you could get Wong's number? 93 00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:58,655 {\an8}Get her number? I own the CIA. 94 00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:00,657 {\an8}If I wanted, I could get her genome. 95 00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:03,326 {\an8}So you wanted what from me, permission? You got it. 96 00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:05,370 {\an8}It's a free country, so you're always saying. 97 00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:07,163 {\an8}That's certainly all I'd be willing to pay. 98 00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:09,332 {\an8}You're making me choose? You or her? 99 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:11,000 There's three billion women on this planet 100 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,044 that have nothing to do with me. 101 00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:15,129 Can you blame them? You suck. 102 00:04:15,129 --> 00:04:17,340 Wait! Danger! 103 00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:19,592 Wow, that's great, buddy. 104 00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:23,054 It's goin' right on the fridge. 105 00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:25,974 {\an8}♪ 106 00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:28,476 I appreciate your lending your expertise to this mission, 107 00:04:28,476 --> 00:04:29,686 Dr. Wong. 108 00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:31,229 Gun? No, thank you. 109 00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:34,190 I was surprised to receive your call but excited. 110 00:04:34,190 --> 00:04:36,359 I haven't done field work since grad school. 111 00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:37,860 We think the people of Virginia 112 00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:40,363 have become some kind of hippy sex cult. 113 00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:42,865 I haven't done that since grad school, either. 114 00:04:42,865 --> 00:04:46,202 Ho-ho! Dr. Wong, you are a firecracker! 115 00:04:46,202 --> 00:04:48,121 Sir, we've reached the border. 116 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,455 Halt! 117 00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:52,333 I'm so sorry, Mr. President, 118 00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:54,335 Virginia is closed to visitors. 119 00:04:54,335 --> 00:04:56,629 I thought it was for lovers. I'm a lover. 120 00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:58,381 You guys lovers? Mm-hmm. 121 00:04:58,381 --> 00:04:59,757 I appreciate that, 122 00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:01,092 but the rest of your country 123 00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:03,177 doesn't need Virginia's love right now. 124 00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:05,888 You know, the last time a state talked that way, 125 00:05:05,888 --> 00:05:07,807 we had to have a whole thing. 126 00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:09,058 And? 127 00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:12,186 And this time, the other side has nukes. 128 00:05:12,186 --> 00:05:14,605 [ Sighs ] Let them in. 129 00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:17,191 Well done, Doctor. 130 00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:18,401 Call me Helen. 131 00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,987 [ Cellphone vibrates ] 132 00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:23,531 [ Cellphone stops ] 133 00:05:23,531 --> 00:05:28,327 As you can see, Virginia has no crime, no poverty. 134 00:05:28,327 --> 00:05:29,787 All goods are freely given. 135 00:05:29,787 --> 00:05:30,997 Communist bastards. 136 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,707 And all goods are freely made. 137 00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:34,375 Communist bastards! 138 00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:36,169 So, what happened? Tell me the secret. 139 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,629 Well, if I tell you, you'll tell everyone. 140 00:05:38,629 --> 00:05:41,299 But if I show you, you won't have to. 141 00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:43,092 How unsettling and cryptic. 142 00:05:43,092 --> 00:05:44,552 [ Roars ] 143 00:05:44,552 --> 00:05:46,429 Oh! 144 00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:49,057 My God! So that's it? 145 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:51,434 You're all just drunk! 146 00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:54,062 Sir! It's some kind of body-snatching hive-mind! 147 00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:56,105 Finally your religion comes in handy! 148 00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:59,859 No! My only chance at meeting Will Smith! 149 00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:04,572 {\an8}♪ 150 00:06:04,572 --> 00:06:06,240 Pick up your phone, asshole! 151 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,618 When I call, it's an actual emergency! 152 00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:11,079 Rick? 153 00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:12,497 Unity. 154 00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:14,540 Take it easy, take it easy. 155 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:17,293 I can explain. Just let me get things under control. 156 00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:19,462 You controlling things is the explanation. 157 00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,839 And we agreed you wouldn't do it where I work. 158 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,426 What the fuck are you spraying me with? 159 00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:27,428 A new scent I picked up after you left. 160 00:06:27,428 --> 00:06:29,013 I call it "Separation." 161 00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:31,307 You concocted a me repellent? 162 00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:34,560 Does that look like a bad idea? 163 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:38,356 Rick, are you in a relationship with the population of Virginia? 164 00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:39,899 We dated. 165 00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:43,694 All: I just want to talk. 166 00:06:43,694 --> 00:06:46,114 I'm pretty sure you have trillions of cellphones. 167 00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,199 No, come back! Let's talk! 168 00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:52,161 {\an8}♪ 169 00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:53,955 Thank God you had a crack team with you. 170 00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:55,665 Where's Helen? "Helen"? 171 00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:58,042 She initiated first name. 172 00:06:58,042 --> 00:06:59,961 Whoa! Call in a chopper! 173 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,420 I'm being cock blocked! 174 00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:03,256 Rick... 175 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,549 it's me. 176 00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:06,342 I was released from Unity. 177 00:07:06,342 --> 00:07:08,302 Cool. So you won't mind if I spray this. 178 00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:10,429 I won't, but we're surrounded 179 00:07:10,429 --> 00:07:12,557 and Unity knows your reload time. 180 00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:15,476 I really believe you and Unity should talk. 181 00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:17,937 How would you know? You're just a nutritionist. 182 00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,690 When you work in nutritionism as long as I have, 183 00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:23,359 you get a certain feel. 184 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,280 All: Calm down. 185 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,907 We came because we're worried about you. 186 00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:32,201 Why? We hear things, Rick. 187 00:07:32,201 --> 00:07:36,956 I tried calling, but is it true you're looking for... him again? 188 00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:40,042 You almost died last time. That's none of your business. 189 00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:42,545 All: You're our business. You quit that business! 190 00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:44,046 And you're fired from that business! 191 00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:46,215 And I'm using your last paycheck to cover the stapler 192 00:07:46,215 --> 00:07:48,885 you stole which was my heart! 193 00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:51,554 Civil War, baby! 194 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,222 [ People screaming ] 195 00:07:53,222 --> 00:07:55,725 Sorry! That was supposed to be suppressive! 196 00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:59,729 Aah! Aah! Rick, wait! 197 00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:01,731 Aah! 198 00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,900 Thank you, Andre. Thank you, Helen. 199 00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:06,277 It's time to put these bastards on ice. 200 00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:08,070 Cue up the dome! 201 00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:09,739 Yes, sir! 202 00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:23,336 {\an8}♪ 203 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,587 Ow! 204 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:30,927 {\an8}♪ 205 00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:33,638 Do you have a dome the size of every state? 206 00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:37,225 [ Chuckles ] You'll need a second date for that answer. 207 00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:39,810 Barf. 208 00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:43,731 {\an8}News Anchor: A nation in turmoil tonight as the entire state of Virginia 209 00:08:45,107 --> 00:08:46,275 {\an8}continues to be trapped inside an energy dome. 210 00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:47,693 {\an8}The White House released a statement dismissing 211 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:51,447 {\an8}the President's shouts of "Civil War, baby," as hyperbole. 212 00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:53,074 {\an8}Shonda, what do we make of that? 213 00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:54,825 {\an8}More like Hyper Bully, Tom. 214 00:08:54,825 --> 00:08:56,661 {\an8}Oh, shit. Shonda came to play. 215 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,079 {\an8}This President has been in office 216 00:08:58,079 --> 00:08:59,956 {\an8}for how many alien invasions? 217 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,624 Not to mention the mutant turkeys, 218 00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:03,626 the abandoned White House orbiting our planet, 219 00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:05,294 the eco-conscious dinosaurs. 220 00:09:05,294 --> 00:09:07,380 Then he sees Virginia with its perfect economy 221 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:08,923 and synchronized lawn mowing, 222 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:11,467 so he shoots them and puts them in a dome? 223 00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:14,095 Classic Curtis. Will someone mute the goddamn news? 224 00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:16,639 If I want a list of my failures, I'd dig up my mother. 225 00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:19,225 I'm-- I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry, that's a turnoff, right? 226 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:21,560 Guy screaming about his mother in a war room? 227 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,604 Sanchez! America hates your dome! 228 00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:25,898 How long is it going to be up? Hope you marked that. 229 00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:27,900 It was his dome in the chopper, now it's mine. 230 00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:30,611 It will contain that part of Unity until I shut it down, 231 00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:33,572 because one of us here knows how to set boundaries. 232 00:09:33,572 --> 00:09:36,993 Rick, I agree that my accepting this mission was inappropriate. 233 00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:38,577 When I was invited, I didn't know-- 234 00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:40,204 That he was hitting on you? 235 00:09:40,204 --> 00:09:42,832 I was aware of potential romantic motivations. 236 00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,792 And I was open to them. Bam. 237 00:09:44,792 --> 00:09:47,378 But I did not know you and I would be crossing paths. 238 00:09:47,378 --> 00:09:48,921 You mean you didn't care 239 00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:50,673 because, on one hand, you got professional ethics 240 00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:52,675 and, in the other hand, you got world-famous schlong. 241 00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:54,635 Now I get to beat you. Bring it. 242 00:09:54,635 --> 00:09:56,345 Alien vessel approaching Earth! 243 00:09:56,345 --> 00:09:57,847 It's hailing us! Put it through. 244 00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:00,016 I don't work for you. You couldn't. You suck. 245 00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:01,475 I'll do it. 246 00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:02,768 Mr. President. 247 00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:04,603 Lady, you bring that ship to America's planet, 248 00:10:04,603 --> 00:10:06,480 I'm launching 4,000 warheads, 249 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,482 3,000 of which will turn out to work. 250 00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:11,235 Then I'll call China, and you're really fucked. 251 00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:12,611 Let's listen to Unity. 252 00:10:12,611 --> 00:10:14,363 Are you still here? Are you? 253 00:10:14,363 --> 00:10:16,115 If I wanted Earth, I would have taken it. 254 00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:17,575 Oh, bullshit. Gimme a break. 255 00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:19,243 You cut eight million pieces of me off. 256 00:10:19,243 --> 00:10:20,828 It hurt. Boo-hoo. 257 00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:22,621 You've made it clear we can't be friends, Rick, 258 00:10:22,621 --> 00:10:24,457 but I need to reconnect those people 259 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,042 so I can properly release them. 260 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,002 They're hosting a mindless collective. 261 00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:31,088 If it connects to another mind, it could become its own colony. 262 00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:32,715 Wow, you made a PowerPoint? 263 00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:35,259 I needed you to understand how serious this is. 264 00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:37,470 I can handle it. We got the spray, bitch! 265 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,138 Don't talk to them like that. 266 00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:41,057 Rick, do you not trust Unity? 267 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,433 Shut up. Apologize. 268 00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:44,226 Eat me. Do you not trust me, Rick? 269 00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:46,354 Who would?! Let Rick answer. 270 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:47,855 Baby, I know you want to help, but-- 271 00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:50,274 Andre, I think we need to move slower. 272 00:10:50,274 --> 00:10:51,817 Slower? I haven't even touched you, 273 00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:53,235 and you're already back seat war rooming. 274 00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:54,904 Andre. Helen. Rick? 275 00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:56,155 I don't trust you. 276 00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:57,990 You ghosted me to focus on your work. 277 00:10:57,990 --> 00:10:59,784 Your work is absorbing the universe. 278 00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:01,827 But it's my universe. Please go. 279 00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:04,246 We'll spray the Virginians before they touch anyone. 280 00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:05,790 I'm sorry you lost a finger, 281 00:11:05,790 --> 00:11:07,917 but that's the price of surprise butt play. 282 00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:10,419 Goodbye. Goodbye. 283 00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:12,046 Alien vessel is departing. 284 00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:14,465 Good job, people. I'll run the aerosol cannon 285 00:11:14,465 --> 00:11:16,258 from the chopper. We need the optics. 286 00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:17,885 Send out a press release. 287 00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:20,388 "President sprays Virginia with the opposite of bullets." 288 00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:21,764 Write it better than that. 289 00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:23,808 You riding shotgun, or you staying butt hurt? 290 00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:26,352 Suck my dick and lose my number. You too. 291 00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:29,855 If you invite me to the wedding, I will shit in the punch. 292 00:11:31,565 --> 00:11:33,818 He'll be back. What would you like for dinner? 293 00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:36,028 I'm not interested in taking this further. 294 00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:38,155 What? Why? That's insane. 295 00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:40,241 How can you be a therapist and insane? 296 00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:43,285 Since you're asking for feedback, my sincere advice 297 00:11:43,285 --> 00:11:45,996 is that you overcome your need for approval. 298 00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:47,915 Okay, you want to play it that way? 299 00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:50,459 There's an exit tunnel by the ladies' room. 300 00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:54,130 It gets lots of use! And not just by sex workers! 301 00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:57,633 Can you at least tell security I did the dumping? 302 00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,513 Uh... you okay? 303 00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:03,722 Yes. 304 00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:05,808 The news said Virginia was a hive-mind. 305 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,643 Yes. Was it-- 306 00:12:07,643 --> 00:12:09,645 Yes! Oh, my God, dude, whatever. 307 00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:11,981 When's the last time you saw your therapist? Today! 308 00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,691 Well, then she sucks! No shit! 309 00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:15,818 Stop yelling at me! I need boundaries! 310 00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,320 Well, here's a big one, fuck face! 311 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,448 [ Door slams ] 312 00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:21,991 Sorry. 313 00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:26,495 {\an8}♪ 314 00:12:26,495 --> 00:12:28,330 Arriving at the dome, sir. 315 00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:29,957 Good! I don't need anybody! 316 00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:31,876 What? What? I said good! 317 00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:33,544 Tell me when we're there! We are! 318 00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:36,505 Roger that! Just gonna see how we're looking! 319 00:12:36,505 --> 00:12:38,716 And there's Helicopter One with the aforementioned gas, 320 00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:41,135 and you can actually see President Curtis inside, 321 00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:43,929 checking his phone to see if this will make people like him. 322 00:12:43,929 --> 00:12:46,557 There he is frowning now, of course, as he realizes 323 00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:49,518 no amount of spectacle is going to undo his last debacle. 324 00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:52,438 Shonda? Ohh, not Shonda. She hates me. 325 00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:54,190 It's true, Tom. I mean, yes, 326 00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:56,150 President Curtis is going to release Virginia 327 00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:58,319 from yet another alien threat, 328 00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:00,362 but when they are free to speak their minds, 329 00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:01,822 does he really think they're going to say, 330 00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:03,199 "Wow, what a President"? 331 00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:04,533 Deactivating dome, sir! 332 00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:06,035 The fact is, nothing short of literally 333 00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:08,078 a 100% percent approval rating 334 00:13:08,078 --> 00:13:10,873 is gonna save Curtis in the next election. 335 00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:13,709 Let her rip, sir! 336 00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:18,172 100% approval. 337 00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:20,799 Whoopsie! I- I-I'll be right back! Sir? 338 00:13:20,799 --> 00:13:22,259 I just gotta get the thing. 339 00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:24,762 Wha? Huh? How is that going to work? 340 00:13:26,805 --> 00:13:31,018 Give it to me. Give me that hive! 341 00:13:33,812 --> 00:13:36,315 Mother forgive me. Just forgive me. I need it. 342 00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:37,900 [ Swallows ] 343 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:41,529 [ All gasp ] 344 00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,656 Holy... 345 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,825 All: Shit! 346 00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:50,579 {\an8}Loved ones are gathered here to reunite with the captives, 347 00:13:50,579 --> 00:13:52,623 {\an8}who appear to walking, quite eagerly, 348 00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:54,875 {\an8}and now running, in perfect unison, toward them. 349 00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:56,919 {\an8}Such a beautiful scene-- everyone kissing. 350 00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:59,922 {\an8}And now everyone that got kisses is kissing everyone else. 351 00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:02,049 {\an8}Heartfelt, almost disgusting kisses. 352 00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:04,593 {\an8}The wave of affection is headed in all directions. 353 00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:07,179 {\an8}Hello, sir. The President has saved us. 354 00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:08,806 {\an8}He's the best president. 355 00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:10,724 The best man, really, ever. His mother was wrong. 356 00:14:10,724 --> 00:14:13,519 Uh-oh. Did somebody close the lady tunnel? 357 00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:16,063 [ Screeching ] 358 00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:17,606 [ People screaming ] 359 00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:20,943 Hey, Rick, w-w-was Unity-- 360 00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:22,903 She's gone, and I don't care! 361 00:14:22,903 --> 00:14:25,656 I think she's back. Hmm? 362 00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:27,992 Someone order cranky dick? 363 00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:29,618 I said I was sorry. No, you didn't. 364 00:14:29,618 --> 00:14:31,245 I said it quietly. Shut up. 365 00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:33,414 {\an8}Now, Governor, can you explain why all of Virginia ran 366 00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:35,958 {\an8}in all directions and puked on everyone in the country? 367 00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:39,461 {\an8}It's simple, News Man. They puke in love of the president. 368 00:14:39,461 --> 00:14:42,131 {\an8}We approve of the president. Everyone does. 369 00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,508 {\an8}[ Chuckles ] Sorry, Governor, but you're making me 370 00:14:44,508 --> 00:14:46,218 {\an8}bring Shonda into this. Thanks, Tom. 371 00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:48,637 {\an8}Governor, I can assure you that no matter 372 00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:50,472 {\an8}how you personally may feel-- 373 00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:54,977 {\an8}Good president. President good, good, good. 374 00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:58,397 {\an8}Are you okay? Uh, Josh just vomited into your mou-- 375 00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:00,941 {\an8}Oh! Ha! I get it now! 376 00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:02,359 {\an8}Wow! What a president! 377 00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:04,445 {\an8}Approval here! President approved! 378 00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,405 {\an8}I thought Unity promised to never do this. 379 00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:08,824 That's not Unity. You kids stay inside and lock up. 380 00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:10,200 Dad's still out shopping. 381 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,328 Then stay inside, lock up, and plug your ears. 382 00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:15,664 Where are you going? Therapy. 383 00:15:15,664 --> 00:15:17,583 Thank God. 384 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:20,502 [ People screaming, glass shatters ] 385 00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:24,673 {\an8}♪ 386 00:15:24,673 --> 00:15:25,924 Huh? 387 00:15:25,924 --> 00:15:27,259 Aah! 388 00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:30,304 [ Screams ] 389 00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:31,722 Aah! 390 00:15:33,932 --> 00:15:36,060 You're rehired. 391 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,145 Is-- Is that Unity? It's your boyfriend. 392 00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:40,147 He must have linked with the severed hive-mind. 393 00:15:40,147 --> 00:15:41,482 He's going to assimilate the Earth 394 00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:42,900 faster than I can fight it. 395 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,193 And you want me to talk to him? 396 00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:45,444 There's no talking to him. 397 00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:47,029 No human mind can keep itself together 398 00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:48,656 while controlling millions of people. 399 00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,699 So where are we going? I need Unity's help. 400 00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:53,202 So you need to convince her I'm worth it. 401 00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:55,496 You aren't. So lie. 402 00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:57,665 [ Alarm blaring ] 403 00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:59,541 Ship AI: Inbound vessel detected. 404 00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:01,960 Tell him to turn around. Tell me in person. 405 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,962 I'm already here. Goddamn it! But your ship was just-- 406 00:16:03,962 --> 00:16:05,881 You have your gimmicks, I have mine. 407 00:16:05,881 --> 00:16:07,883 This is my therapist. She can vouch for me. 408 00:16:07,883 --> 00:16:09,677 We met. She was me for a second. 409 00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:12,304 What do you want, Rick? Look, it's clear you weren't lying 410 00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:13,972 when you said you could've taken over Earth 411 00:16:13,972 --> 00:16:15,974 because your finger just took over America. 412 00:16:15,974 --> 00:16:17,393 I need you to help me fix that. 413 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,520 Oh, it took that to make you believe me? 414 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:20,896 Why should I believe you? 415 00:16:20,896 --> 00:16:23,190 You show up unannounced and hijack a state. 416 00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:25,901 I called you! Multiple times! 417 00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:27,403 You ghosted me! 418 00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:28,737 Rick, is that true? 419 00:16:28,737 --> 00:16:30,698 She dumped me. Why would I answer her calls? 420 00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,658 Alright, I'm going to commit a cardinal sin 421 00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:36,161 in couple's therapy here, but, Rick, I think you're wrong. 422 00:16:36,161 --> 00:16:37,913 Bringing you was a mistake. 423 00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:40,708 You had an outer-space lady who was worried for your life, 424 00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:44,336 and your response was hostile enough to cause a huge problem. 425 00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:45,754 Thank you. 426 00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:48,298 Now you're asking her to both forgive you and solve it? 427 00:16:48,298 --> 00:16:50,884 Unity, I think the reason Rick brought me here 428 00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:54,263 is that he doesn't know how to indicate to you he's changed, 429 00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:56,974 because he's changing very slowly. 430 00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:59,226 But he is. 431 00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:01,228 Alright, anyone else wanna call me a baby? 432 00:17:01,228 --> 00:17:04,815 Maybe we can drag this out until Earth is fully assimilated? 433 00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:08,527 Alright. So you're asking for an invasion? 434 00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:22,082 {\an8}♪ 435 00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:24,710 [ Creatures screeching ] 436 00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:45,105 {\an8}♪ 437 00:17:45,105 --> 00:17:47,649 Hold 'em back! They love me, they just forgot! 438 00:17:47,649 --> 00:17:50,360 All: They just forgot! They just forgot! 439 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:53,489 {\an8}♪ 440 00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:55,824 No! Stop! You love me! 441 00:17:55,824 --> 00:17:59,453 W-Why are you stopping? I've won you over? 442 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,416 Oh, good! You're here! 443 00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:06,502 Unity, kept them warm for you. 444 00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,212 They went a little crazy, but, uh... 445 00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:10,672 Anyway, seems like this is all over. 446 00:18:10,672 --> 00:18:12,424 Helen, we could grab some coffee. 447 00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:14,968 Wait, Unity, what are you doing? 448 00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:17,679 Alright, Rick, that's everyone. 449 00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:19,181 Nice job, Une. 450 00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:22,100 Well, this has been quite a session. 451 00:18:22,100 --> 00:18:24,353 Hope you do group discounts. 452 00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,939 Actually, just send the bill to the White House. 453 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:30,108 I wouldn't be doing this for anyone else, Rick. 454 00:18:30,108 --> 00:18:32,194 Yeah, it was nice to team up again. 455 00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:34,696 No, I mean I wouldn't be doing it. 456 00:18:34,696 --> 00:18:37,658 I've never released hundreds of millions of people before. 457 00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,661 This is gonna suck. 458 00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,871 [ Sighs ] 459 00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:45,958 [ Groaning ] 460 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,461 {\an8}♪ 461 00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:51,588 [ Groaning ] 462 00:18:51,588 --> 00:18:59,805 {\an8}♪ 463 00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,723 [ Cellphones chiming ] 464 00:19:01,723 --> 00:19:05,144 {\an8}♪ 465 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,396 [ Engines turn over, horns honking ] 466 00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:14,069 {\an8}♪ 467 00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:16,864 [ Breathes deeply ] 468 00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:19,867 Here, it's over. Nice job, Une. 469 00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:22,703 I'm fine. You want a painkiller? 470 00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:25,706 I, uh, I'm on a few of them right now. 471 00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:27,082 No, thank you. 472 00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:29,418 I mean, you can hang out if you want, 473 00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:32,087 come see the kids, 474 00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:33,839 I trust you now. 475 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:37,426 That's nice, but I don't trust you. 476 00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:39,595 Fair enough. 477 00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:47,895 [ Sighs ] 478 00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:54,943 [ Can tab pops ] 479 00:19:54,943 --> 00:19:57,446 [ Slurps ] 480 00:19:57,446 --> 00:19:58,780 [ Machine beeps ] 481 00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,699 Unity: Hey, Rick, it's Unity. 482 00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:03,160 Uh, give me a call, okay? 483 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:04,661 Hey, Rick. Unity. 484 00:20:04,661 --> 00:20:06,246 Look, cards on the table, 485 00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:08,123 I heard you were going after that guy again. 486 00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:10,500 Just made me worried. Give me a call. 487 00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:13,253 Look, I get it, I dumped you. You're ignoring me. 488 00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:17,007 But I care about you, and I-I just wanna know you're alright. 489 00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:20,761 Hey, Rick, listen, I'm just gonna stop by Virginia, okay? 490 00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:22,721 I don't know what state you live in, 491 00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:24,598 but I'll camp out there and try to reach you. 492 00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,183 Hope you're okay. 493 00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:28,310 David Miscavige: Hey, Rick. David Miscavige here. 494 00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,187 Heard you were saying some really great things 495 00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:31,605 about Scientology. 496 00:20:31,605 --> 00:20:33,065 If you ever wanna meet Travolta-- 497 00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,441 End playback! 498 00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:41,406 You, uh, really went all in on that approval, huh? 499 00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:43,533 Yeah. 500 00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:46,286 Shonda's gonna eat me alive. 501 00:20:46,286 --> 00:20:47,704 Eh, fuck 'em. 502 00:20:47,704 --> 00:20:50,332 Thanks, Rick. [ Slurps ] 503 00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:53,961 Don't take this the wrong way, but. uh... 504 00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:57,506 I think I might need therapy. 505 00:20:57,506 --> 00:21:33,792 {\an8}♪ 506 00:21:33,792 --> 00:21:35,794 And we're back with Mr. Stabby. 507 00:21:35,794 --> 00:21:38,797 What do you say to people who say, "I don't want to get stabbed. 508 00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:42,050 I want to go a show. I have a right to not get stabbed"? 509 00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:44,636 Well, Gary, I have a right to arms and legs. 510 00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:46,388 But I wasn't born with those. 511 00:21:46,388 --> 00:21:48,473 And I don't think that means I should be boxed out 512 00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:50,350 of an industry where, let's face it, 513 00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:52,477 there's zero representation of people 514 00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:54,229 with swords for arms and legs. 515 00:21:54,229 --> 00:21:56,732 But do you have to take questions from the audience? 516 00:21:56,732 --> 00:21:59,526 People come to my show because they want the experience. 517 00:21:59,526 --> 00:22:01,695 If they didn't want it, they'd stop coming. 518 00:22:01,695 --> 00:22:06,658 Your show has resulted in the deaths of 58,000 attendees. 519 00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:10,120 Well, you're talking about it. 520 00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:13,081 Man: Did you get any of that?