1 00:00:04,713 --> 00:00:08,800 Before we move off this topic, can I ask if you’re currently a hologram? 2 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,427 Hold on. One sec. 3 00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:14,180 Left a bag of Funyuns down there last week. 4 00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:17,016 Didn’t want to waste our time. Okay, let’s do it. Therapy me. 5 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,355 {\an8}- Do you need to take that? - No. Just the President. 6 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,817 - Maybe we should turn off the phone. - President of the United States. 7 00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:26,943 Thought you might think that was cool. 8 00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:28,903 You like it when people think you’re cool? 9 00:00:28,903 --> 00:00:30,280 You’re extra analytical today. 10 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,616 - Looking to remodel your kitchen? - Sanchez! I know you’re in there! 11 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,162 When I call you directly it’s an emergency. 12 00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:39,330 I was in therapy. Don’t stigmatize mental health. 13 00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:41,166 How rude of me. Hello, 14 00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:43,585 - I’m President Andre Curtis. - Yes, I recognize you. 15 00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:44,794 Oh? How nice. 16 00:00:44,794 --> 00:00:47,714 It’s not nice to recognize a president, can we go? 17 00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:53,762 In 1961, the CIA secretly relocated the Loch Ness Monster to Lake Erie 18 00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:55,638 and replaced her bones with titanium. 19 00:00:55,638 --> 00:00:57,849 She was then bit by several werewolves, 20 00:00:57,849 --> 00:00:59,934 giving us the ultimate anti-submarine weapon. 21 00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:00,769 Got it. 22 00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:02,645 But the Soviets smuggled in a leprechaun, 23 00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:06,566 who turned Nessie’s bones to silver, giving her the were-version of AIDS. 24 00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,860 She sank to the bottom and we assumed she was dead. 25 00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:12,447 But she was only asleep. Now she’s awake... and hungry. 26 00:01:12,447 --> 00:01:13,531 You can’t date my shrink. 27 00:01:13,948 --> 00:01:16,826 - What? Bro, you’re nuts. - Then don’t date my shrink. 28 00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:18,661 I’m not dating your shrink! 29 00:01:19,704 --> 00:01:21,122 She probably doesn’t even like me. 30 00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:23,625 - Stand down, Sanchez! - Tell him to stand down! 31 00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:26,294 - Would you let him bang your therapist? - I don’t believe in therapy! 32 00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:29,506 What the hell does that even mean, you don’t believe in it? 33 00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:31,508 - He’s a scientologist. - Don’t date my shrink! 34 00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:33,551 - And don’t be a Space Mormon! - Why not? 35 00:01:33,551 --> 00:01:34,552 It’s silly! 36 00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:36,471 Sorry, it’s a cheap shot. 37 00:01:36,971 --> 00:01:37,889 Worship how you want. 38 00:01:39,098 --> 00:01:40,809 - I like Tom Cruise. - Thank you. 39 00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:43,019 - Therapy’s working. - Keep it in your pants. 40 00:02:17,011 --> 00:02:19,722 Welcome back to Mr. Stabby! 41 00:02:20,139 --> 00:02:22,058 Let’s get another question from the audience! 42 00:02:24,018 --> 00:02:26,104 Why do people get tickets to his tapings? 43 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:27,522 {\an8}It’s a fame-obsessed culture. 44 00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:31,234 {\an8}- Mr. President. - I’ve got an emergency, Rick. 45 00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:32,694 {\an8}Another President mission? 46 00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:34,779 {\an8}You just killed the Loch Ness Monster for him. 47 00:02:34,779 --> 00:02:37,198 {\an8}-Tell that little bitch to zip it. - You can’t talk to me like that! 48 00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:39,075 {\an8}Tell him he can’t talk to me like that... 49 00:02:39,075 --> 00:02:40,577 {\an8}- You can’t talk to Morty like that. - Whatever. 50 00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:41,619 {\an8}I’ll portal over. 51 00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:44,622 {\an8}I’ve seen this one anyway. The audience dies. 52 00:02:47,792 --> 00:02:48,877 {\an8}Rick, thanks for coming. 53 00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:51,129 {\an8}We’ve got a situation in the state of Virginia. 54 00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:52,755 {\an8}- Bigfoot. - That’s Montana. 55 00:02:52,755 --> 00:02:55,049 {\an8}- Nazis. - That’s... everywhere. 56 00:02:55,049 --> 00:02:56,259 {\an8}That’s an exaggeration, sir. 57 00:02:57,051 --> 00:02:58,720 {\an8}Jesus, Carl, you too? 58 00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:01,639 {\an8}The problem in Virginia is... love. 59 00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:04,434 {\an8}You’ve heard the state motto, "Virginia is for Lovers"? 60 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:06,519 {\an8}Well, now they’ve codified it into law. 61 00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:10,481 {\an8}Virginia has declared itself literally and exclusively for lovers. 62 00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:12,734 {\an8}- Sounds boring. - It gets worse. 63 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:16,321 {\an8}There’s no crime, no poverty, and suspiciously, no complaints. 64 00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:19,449 The governor just hit a hundred percent roval rating. 65 00:03:19,449 --> 00:03:21,784 {\an8}- And that’s worse? - A hundred percent? 66 00:03:21,784 --> 00:03:23,077 {\an8}Get on the web, Dwayne, 67 00:03:23,077 --> 00:03:25,121 {\an8}there’s no such thing as a hundred percent of anything. 68 00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:27,999 {\an8}America knows and incinerates a cult when it sees one. 69 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,086 {\an8}But I can’t do that to all of Virginia, so we need to infiltrate. 70 00:03:32,086 --> 00:03:34,172 {\an8}I volunteer to do acid to prove I’m not a cop. 71 00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:35,340 {\an8}No lone wolves. 72 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:38,301 {\an8}We need a crack team for this one. Rick, meet Fleeflak. 73 00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:40,970 {\an8}- He might be able to tell the future. - Might? 74 00:03:40,970 --> 00:03:43,640 {\an8}We’re waiting to find out. Onyx here is a weapons specialist, 75 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,684 {\an8}and our eye in the sky’s my chief of staff bot, Chi-Chi. 76 00:03:46,684 --> 00:03:48,686 {\an8}- Sleek. - Yes, an excellent team. 77 00:03:49,228 --> 00:03:50,647 {\an8}But there’s something missing... 78 00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:54,067 {\an8}- A psychology expert, perhaps. - Fuck me! 79 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:56,861 {\an8}You pretended to need a crack team so you could get Wong’s number? 80 00:03:56,861 --> 00:03:57,987 {\an8}Get her number? 81 00:03:57,987 --> 00:04:01,074 {\an8}I own the CIA, if I wanted I could get her genome . 82 00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,743 {\an8}So you wanted what from me, permission? You got it. 83 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,912 {\an8}It’s a free country, so you’re always saying. 84 00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:07,664 {\an8}That’s certainly all I’d be willing to pay. 85 00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,666 {\an8}You’re making me choose? You or her? 86 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:13,294 There’s three billion women on this planet that have nothing to do with me. 87 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:15,505 - Can you blame them? - You suck. 88 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:20,009 - Wait! Danger! - Wow that’s great, buddy. 89 00:04:20,009 --> 00:04:21,803 It’s goin’ right on the fridge. 90 00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:29,727 I appreciate your lending your expertise to this mission, Doctor Wong. 91 00:04:30,186 --> 00:04:31,354 - Gun? - No thank you. 92 00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:34,732 I was surprised to receive your call, but excited. 93 00:04:34,732 --> 00:04:37,026 I haven’t done field work since grad school. 94 00:04:37,026 --> 00:04:41,030 We think the people of Virginia have become some kind of hippy sex cult. 95 00:04:41,030 --> 00:04:43,199 I haven’t done that since grad school either. 96 00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:46,744 Doctor Wong, you are a firecracker! 97 00:04:46,744 --> 00:04:47,996 Sir, we’ve reached the border. 98 00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:49,622 Halt! 99 00:04:51,207 --> 00:04:54,627 I’m so sorry, Mr. President, Virginia is closed to visitors. 100 00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:55,962 I thought it was for lovers. 101 00:04:56,337 --> 00:04:57,922 I’m a lover. You guys lovers? 102 00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:00,049 I appreciate that, 103 00:05:00,049 --> 00:05:03,886 but the rest of your country doesn’t need Virginia’s love right now. 104 00:05:03,886 --> 00:05:06,431 You know, the last time a state talked that way, 105 00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:09,058 - we had to have a whole thing. - And? 106 00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:12,145 And this time the other side has nukes. 107 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:14,897 Let them in. 108 00:05:16,315 --> 00:05:18,443 - Well done, Doctor. - Call me Helen. 109 00:05:25,241 --> 00:05:28,703 As you can see, Virginia has no crime, no poverty. 110 00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:31,289 - All goods are freely given. - Communist bastards. 111 00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:34,751 - And all goods are freely made. - Communist bastards! 112 00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,753 So what happened? Tell me the secret. 113 00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:38,838 Well, if I tell you, you’ll tell everyone. 114 00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:41,924 But if I show you, you won’t have to. 115 00:05:41,924 --> 00:05:43,718 How unsettling and cryptic of... 116 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:49,640 My God, so that’s it? 117 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:50,683 You’re all just drunk? 118 00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,645 Sir! It’s some kind of body snatching hive-mind! 119 00:05:54,645 --> 00:05:56,439 Finally your religion comes in handy! 120 00:05:56,814 --> 00:05:59,192 No! My only chance at meeting Will Smith! 121 00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:08,785 Pick up your phone, asshole, when I call it’s an actual emergency! 122 00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:11,579 Rick? 123 00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:14,957 - Unity. - Take it easy, take it easy... 124 00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:17,960 I can explain, just let me get things under control. 125 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,796 You controlling things is the explanation 126 00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:21,839 and we agreed you wouldn’t do it where I work. 127 00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:25,384 The fuck are you spraying me with? 128 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:27,887 A new scent I picked up after you left. 129 00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:31,849 - I call it "Separation." - You concocted a me repellent? 130 00:06:31,849 --> 00:06:33,601 Does that look like a bad idea? 131 00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:38,773 Rick, are you in a relationship with the population of Virginia? 132 00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:39,774 We dated. 133 00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:44,195 I just want to talk. 134 00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:46,155 I’m pretty sure you have trillions of cell phones. 135 00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:48,157 No, come back, let’s talk! 136 00:06:52,703 --> 00:06:54,455 Thank god you had a crack team with you. 137 00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:55,957 - Where’s Helen? -"Helen?" 138 00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:57,208 She initiated first name... 139 00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:01,295 Call in a chopper! I’m being cock blocked! 140 00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:04,841 Rick! It’s me. 141 00:07:05,299 --> 00:07:06,843 I was released from Unity. 142 00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,845 Cool, so you won’t mind if I spray this. 143 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:12,807 Wel... I won’t, but we’re surrounded and Unity knows your reload time. 144 00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:15,852 I really believe you and Unity should talk. 145 00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:18,521 How would you know? You’re just a nutritionist. 146 00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:22,191 When you work in nutritionism as long as I have, you get a certain feel... 147 00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:29,949 Calm down. We came because we’re worried about you. 148 00:07:30,449 --> 00:07:32,785 - Why? - We hear things, Rick. 149 00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:35,830 I tried calling but... is it true you’re looking for... 150 00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:37,373 him again? 151 00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:39,333 You almost died last time. 152 00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:41,961 - That’s none of your business. - You’re our business. 153 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:44,505 You quit that business! And you’re fired from that business! 154 00:07:44,505 --> 00:07:46,007 And I’m using your last paycheck 155 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:48,176 to cover the stapler you stole which was my heart! 156 00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:50,720 Civil War, baby! 157 00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:55,725 Sorry. That was supposed to be suppressive. 158 00:07:58,352 --> 00:07:59,812 Rick, wait! 159 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,233 - Thank you, Andre. - Thank you, Helen. 160 00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:06,527 It’s time to put these bastards on ice. 161 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:08,988 - Cue up the dome! - Yes sir! 162 00:08:31,719 --> 00:08:33,930 Do you have a dome the size of every state? 163 00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:37,642 You’ll need a second date for that answer. 164 00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:38,601 Barf. 165 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:43,272 A nation in turmoil tonight as the entire state of Virginia 166 00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:45,733 continues to be trapped inside an energy dome. 167 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,236 The White House released a statement dismissing 168 00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:50,947 the President’s shouts of "Civil War, baby." 169 00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,533 as hyperbole. Shonda, what do we make of that? 170 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:57,036 - More like Hyper Bully, Tom. - Shit. Shonda came to play. 171 00:08:57,036 --> 00:09:00,539 This President has been in office for how many alien invasions? 172 00:09:00,539 --> 00:09:02,041 Not to mention the mutant turkeys, 173 00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:03,960 the abandoned White House orbiting our planet, 174 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,544 the eco-conscious dinosaurs... 175 00:09:05,544 --> 00:09:06,671 Then he sees Virginia 176 00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:09,257 with its perfect economy and synchronized lawn mowing, 177 00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:12,301 so he shoots them and puts them in a dome? 178 00:09:12,301 --> 00:09:14,470 - Classic Curtis. - Will someone mute the god damn news? 179 00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,973 If I want a list of my failures, I’d dig up my mother. 180 00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:19,976 I’m... sorry, that’s a turn off, right? 181 00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:21,811 Guy screaming about his mother in a war room? 182 00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:25,606 Sanchez! America hates your dome! How long is it going to be up? 183 00:09:25,606 --> 00:09:27,692 Hope you marked that. It was his dome in the chopper. 184 00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:30,987 Now it's mine. It will contain that part of Unity until I shut it down, 185 00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:34,282 because... one of us here, Knows how to set boundaries. 186 00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:37,493 Rick, I agree that my accepting this mission was inappropriate, 187 00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:40,371 - when I was invited, I didn’t know... - That he was hitting on you? 188 00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:43,499 I was aware of potential romantic motivations. 189 00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:44,792 And I was open to them. 190 00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:48,254 But I did not know you and I would be crossing paths. 191 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,006 You mean you didn't care. Because on one hand, 192 00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,173 you got professional ethics, 193 00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:53,092 and in the other hand you got world-famous schlong. 194 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,177 - Now I get to beat you. - Bring it... 195 00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,596 Alien vessel approaching Earth! It’s hailing us! 196 00:09:57,596 --> 00:09:59,223 - Put it through. - I don’t work for you. 197 00:09:59,223 --> 00:10:01,017 You couldn’t, you suck. I’ll do it. 198 00:10:02,226 --> 00:10:03,269 Mr. President. 199 00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,187 Lady, you bring that ship to America’s planet, 200 00:10:05,187 --> 00:10:06,981 I’m launching four thousand warheads. 201 00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:08,858 Three thousand of which will turn out to work. 202 00:10:09,233 --> 00:10:11,736 Then I’ll call China and you’re really fucked. 203 00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,112 Let’s listen to Unity. 204 00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:14,613 - Are you still here? - Are you? 205 00:10:14,613 --> 00:10:16,699 If I wanted Earth, I would have taken it. 206 00:10:16,699 --> 00:10:17,658 - Bullshit. - Gimme a break. 207 00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:20,369 You cut eight million pieces of me off. It hurt. 208 00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,080 You’ve made it clear we can’t be friends, Rick, 209 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:26,542 but I need to reconnect those people so I can properly release them. 210 00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:30,046 They’re hosting a mindless collective, if it connects to another mind, 211 00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:33,257 - it could become its own colony. - You made a Powerpoint? 212 00:10:33,257 --> 00:10:35,718 I needed you to understand how serious this is. 213 00:10:35,718 --> 00:10:38,137 - I can handle it. - We got the spray, bitch! 214 00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:39,555 Don’t talk to them like that. 215 00:10:39,555 --> 00:10:42,058 - Rick, do you not trust Unity? - Shut up. 216 00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:43,434 - Apologize. - Eat me. 217 00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,394 - Do you not trust me, Rick? - Who would? 218 00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:46,896 Let Rick answer. 219 00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:48,898 - Baby, I know you want to help, but... - ...Andre. 220 00:10:49,231 --> 00:10:51,400 - I think we need to move slower. - Slower? 221 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,736 I haven’t even touched you and you’re already back seat war rooming. 222 00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:54,820 - Andre. - Helen. 223 00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:56,405 - Rick? - I don’t trust you. 224 00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:58,407 You ghosted me to focus on your work. 225 00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:00,242 Your work is absorbing the universe. 226 00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:02,453 But it’s my universe. Please go. 227 00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:04,747 We’ll spray the Virginians before they touch anyone. 228 00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:06,248 I’m sorry you lost a finger, 229 00:11:06,248 --> 00:11:08,876 but that’s the price of surprise butt play. Goodbye. 230 00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:10,294 Goodbye. 231 00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:12,254 Alien vessel is departing. 232 00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:13,798 Good job, people, 233 00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:15,883 I’ll run the aerosol cannon from the chopper, 234 00:11:15,883 --> 00:11:18,219 we need the optics. Send out a press release. 235 00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:20,388 "President sprays Virginia with the opposite of bullets." 236 00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:21,931 Write it better than that. 237 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,517 You riding shotgun or you staying butt hurt? 238 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,811 Suck my dick and lose my number. You too. 239 00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:29,313 If you invite me to the wedding I will shit in the punch. 240 00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:34,276 He’ll be back. What would you like for dinner? 241 00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:36,529 I’m not interested in taking this further. 242 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:40,950 What? Why? That’s insane. How can you be a therapist and insane? 243 00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,660 Since you’re asking for feedback, 244 00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:46,330 my sincere advice is that you overcome your need for approval. 245 00:11:46,789 --> 00:11:48,290 Okay, you want to play it that way? 246 00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:50,126 There’s an exit tunnel by the ladies room. 247 00:11:51,168 --> 00:11:52,253 It gets lots of use! 248 00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:54,213 And not just by sex workers! 249 00:11:55,172 --> 00:11:57,466 Can you at least tell security I did the dumping? 250 00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:03,347 - You okay? - Yes. 251 00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,392 The news said Virginia was a hive... mind. 252 00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:07,393 Yes. 253 00:12:07,726 --> 00:12:08,644 - Was it... - Yes. 254 00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:10,146 My god, dude, whatever, 255 00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:11,605 when’s the last time you saw your therapist... 256 00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:13,399 - Today. - Well, then she sucks! 257 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,484 - No Shit! - Well stop yelling at me! 258 00:12:15,484 --> 00:12:18,487 - I need boundaries! - Well here's a big one, fuck face! 259 00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:21,991 Sorry. 260 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:28,789 Arriving at the dome, sir. 261 00:12:28,789 --> 00:12:30,040 Good! I don’t need anybody! 262 00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:32,334 - What? - What? I said good! 263 00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:33,461 Tell me when we’re there! 264 00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:34,962 - We are! - Roger that! 265 00:12:34,962 --> 00:12:36,505 Just gonna see how we’re looking! 266 00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:39,425 And there’s Helicopter One with the forementioned gas, 267 00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,760 and you can actually see President Curtis inside, 268 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:44,680 checking his phone to see if this will make people like him. 269 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:48,184 There he is frowning now, of course, as he realizes no amount of spectacle 270 00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,394 is going to undo his last debacle. Shonda? 271 00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:52,813 Not Shonda, she hates me. 272 00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:54,648 It’s true, Tom, I mean, yes, 273 00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:58,694 President Curtis is going to release Virginia from yet another alien threat, 274 00:12:58,694 --> 00:13:00,946 but when they are free to speak their minds, 275 00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:03,657 {\an8}does he really think they’re going to say "What a President?" 276 00:13:03,657 --> 00:13:05,034 Deactivating dome, sir! 277 00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:08,662 The fact is, nothing short of literally a one hundred percent approval rating 278 00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:10,414 is gonna save Curtis in the next election. 279 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:13,542 Let her rip, sir! 280 00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:16,170 One hundred percent approval. 281 00:13:18,964 --> 00:13:20,883 Whoopsie! I’ll be right back! 282 00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:22,718 - Sir! - I just gotta get the thing... 283 00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:24,553 How is that going to work? 284 00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,225 Give it to me. Give me that hive! 285 00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:36,023 Mother forgive me. Just forgive me. I need it. 286 00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:46,116 - Holy....Shit! - Shit! 287 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:51,121 Loved ones are gathered here to reunite with the captives, 288 00:13:51,121 --> 00:13:53,874 who appear to walking, quite eagerly, and now running, 289 00:13:53,874 --> 00:13:57,670 in perfect unison, toward them, such a beautiful scene, everyone kissing. 290 00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,256 And now everyone that got kisses is kissing everyone else. 291 00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:02,591 Heartfelt, almost disgusting kisses, 292 00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:06,053 the wave of affection is headed in all directions, hello, sir... 293 00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:09,181 The President has saved us. He’s the best President, 294 00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:11,183 the best man, really, ever, his mother was wrong. 295 00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:13,602 Did somebody close the lady tunnel? 296 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:22,570 - Hey, Rick, was Unity - - She’s gone and I don’t care! 297 00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:24,488 I think she’s back. 298 00:14:27,074 --> 00:14:28,617 Someone order cranky dick? 299 00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:30,286 - I said I was sorry. - No you didn’t. 300 00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,662 I said it quietly, shut up. 301 00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:35,457 {\an8}Now Governor, can you explain why all of Virginia ran in all directions and 302 00:14:35,457 --> 00:14:36,792 puked on everyone in the country? 303 00:14:36,792 --> 00:14:40,087 It’s simple, News Man. They puke in love of President. 304 00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:42,423 We approve of the President. Everyone does. 305 00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:46,135 Sorry, Governor but you’re making me bring Shonda into this. 306 00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:47,636 Thanks, Tom. Governor, 307 00:14:47,636 --> 00:14:50,973 I can assure you that no matter how you personally may feel... 308 00:14:52,891 --> 00:14:55,603 Good president. President good good good. 309 00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,688 Are you okay? Josh just vomited into your mou... 310 00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:02,693 I get it now. What a President! 311 00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:04,737 - Approval here! - President approved! 312 00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:06,864 I thought Unity promised to never do this. 313 00:15:06,864 --> 00:15:07,990 That’s not Unity. 314 00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:10,576 - You kids stay inside and lock up. - Dad’s still out shopping. 315 00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,745 Then stay inside, lock up and plug your ears. 316 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:13,746 Where are you going? 317 00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:15,372 Therapy. 318 00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:17,249 Thank God. 319 00:15:34,933 --> 00:15:35,851 You’re rehired. 320 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,812 - Is that Unity? - It’s your boyfriend. 321 00:15:38,812 --> 00:15:40,522 He must have linked with the severed hive-mind. 322 00:15:40,898 --> 00:15:43,233 He’s going to assimilate the earth faster than I can fight it. 323 00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:45,736 - And you want me to talk to him. - There’s no talking to him. 324 00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:49,031 No human mind can keep itself together while controlling millions of people. 325 00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:51,533 - So where are we going? - I need Unity’s help. 326 00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:53,202 So you need to convince her I’m worth it. 327 00:15:53,577 --> 00:15:54,870 - You aren’t. - So lie. 328 00:15:58,332 --> 00:15:59,958 Inbound vessel detected. 329 00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:02,461 - Tell him to turn around. - Tell me in person. 330 00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:04,004 - I’m already here. - God damnit. 331 00:16:04,004 --> 00:16:06,382 - But your ship was just... - You have your gimmicks, I have mine. 332 00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:08,425 This is my therapist, she can vouch for me. 333 00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:11,345 We met. She was me for a second. What do you want, Rick? 334 00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,055 Look, it’s clear you weren’t lying 335 00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,431 when you said you could’ve taken over Earth 336 00:16:14,431 --> 00:16:16,558 because your finger just took over America. 337 00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:18,143 I need you to help me fix that. 338 00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:21,355 - It took that to make you believe me? - Why should I believe you? 339 00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:23,607 You show up unannounced and hijack a state. 340 00:16:23,607 --> 00:16:26,402 I called you! Multiple times! 341 00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:27,945 You ghosted me. 342 00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,405 Rick, is that true? 343 00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,365 She dumped me, why would I answer her calls? 344 00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:35,077 Alright, I’m gonna commit a cardinal sin in couple’s therapy here, but Rick, 345 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,122 - I think you’re wrong. - Bringing you was a mistake. 346 00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:41,375 You had an outer space lady who was worried for your life 347 00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:44,545 and your response was hostile enough to cause a huge problem. 348 00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:45,629 Thank you. 349 00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:48,757 Now you’re asking her to both forgive you and solve it? 350 00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:51,760 Unity, I think the reason Rick brought me here is 351 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,722 that he doesn’t know how to indicate to you he’s changed, 352 00:16:55,055 --> 00:16:57,474 because he’s changing very slowly. 353 00:16:57,474 --> 00:16:58,642 But he is. 354 00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:01,770 Alright, anyone else wanna call me a baby? 355 00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:04,606 Maybe we can drag this out until Earth is fully assimilated? 356 00:17:05,607 --> 00:17:08,193 Alright, so you’re asking for an invasion. 357 00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:48,150 Hold ‘em back! They love me, they just forgot! 358 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:50,486 They just forgot! They just forgot! 359 00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:55,783 No! Stop! You love me! 360 00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:58,160 Why’re you stopping? 361 00:17:58,660 --> 00:17:59,661 I’ve won you over? 362 00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:04,583 Good! You’re here! 363 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,668 Unity, kept them warm for you. 364 00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:10,839 They went a little crazy but, anyway, seems like this is all over. 365 00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:12,716 Helen, we could grab some coffee? 366 00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:14,384 Wait Unity, what are you doing? 367 00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:17,638 Alright, Rick, that’s everyone. 368 00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:19,223 Nice job, Une. 369 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,351 Well. This has been quite a session. 370 00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,228 Hope you do group discounts. 371 00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,064 Actually, just send the bill to the White House. 372 00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,859 I wouldn’t be doing this for anyone else, Rick. 373 00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:32,528 It was nice to team up again. 374 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,114 No, I mean I wouldn’t be doing it. 375 00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:38,200 I’ve never released hundreds of millions of people before. 376 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,368 This is gonna suck. 377 00:19:17,531 --> 00:19:19,950 Here... it’s over. Nice job, Une. 378 00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:21,785 I’m fine. 379 00:19:21,785 --> 00:19:22,870 You want a painkiller? 380 00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:25,622 I’m on a few of them right now. 381 00:19:26,164 --> 00:19:27,165 No thank you. 382 00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,167 I mean, you can hang out if you want, 383 00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:31,003 come see the kids, 384 00:19:32,629 --> 00:19:33,964 I trust you now. 385 00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:36,300 That’s nice but I don’t trust you. 386 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:38,927 Fair enough. 387 00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:00,616 Hey Rick, it’s Unity. 388 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,118 Give me a call, okay? 389 00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,538 Hey Rick, Unity. Look, cards on the table, 390 00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:08,415 I heard you were going after that guy again. 391 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,584 Just made me worried, give me a call. 392 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,712 Look I get it, I dumped you, you’re ignoring me. 393 00:20:14,087 --> 00:20:17,466 But, I care about you and I just wanna know you’re alright. 394 00:20:18,258 --> 00:20:21,303 Hey Rick, listen I’m just gonna stop by Virginia, okay? 395 00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:23,221 I don’t know what state you live in 396 00:20:23,221 --> 00:20:25,641 but I’ll camp out there and try to reach you. 397 00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:26,642 Hope you’re okay. 398 00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,019 Hey, Rick. David Miscavige here. 399 00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:31,980 Heard you were saying some really great things about Scientology. 400 00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:33,982 - If you ever wanna meet Travolta... - And playback. 401 00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:41,490 You uh, really went all in on that approval? 402 00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:46,745 Shonda’s gonna eat me alive. 403 00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:48,914 - Fuck em. - Thanks, Rick. 404 00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:56,129 Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think I might need therapy. 405 00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:36,086 And we’re back with Mr Stabby. 406 00:21:36,586 --> 00:21:39,381 What do you say to people who say, "I don’t want to get stabbed. 407 00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:40,590 I want to go a show, 408 00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:42,718 I have a right to not get stabbed." 409 00:21:42,718 --> 00:21:45,303 Well, Gary, I have a right to arms and legs. 410 00:21:45,303 --> 00:21:46,888 But I wasn’t born with those. 411 00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:48,515 And I don’t think that means I should be 412 00:21:48,515 --> 00:21:50,851 boxed out of an industry where, let’s face 413 00:21:50,851 --> 00:21:54,813 it, there’s zero representation of people with swords for arms and legs. 414 00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:57,357 But do you have to take questions from the audience? 415 00:21:57,357 --> 00:22:00,402 People come to my show because they want the experience. 416 00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:02,154 If they didn’t want it, they’d stop coming. 417 00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:06,074 Your show has resulted in the deaths of 58,000 attendees. 418 00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:09,578 Well, you’re talking about it.