1 00:00:01,834 --> 00:00:05,437 The trick to cereal is keeping 70% above the milk. 2 00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:07,706 Jerry, get a job. [ Knock on door ] 3 00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:09,140 Uh, w-why don't you get it, Jerry? 4 00:00:09,142 --> 00:00:11,309 You're the man of the house, and you don't have a job. 5 00:00:11,311 --> 00:00:13,345 [ Sighs ] 6 00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:14,846 Delivery for Rick. 7 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:16,481 Morning, Summer, Beth, and Jerry. 8 00:00:16,483 --> 00:00:17,682 Gross. What is that thing? 9 00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:19,050 It's a courier flap. 10 00:00:19,052 --> 00:00:20,652 It's like the intergalactic version of u.P.S., 11 00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:22,287 but less off-putting. 12 00:00:22,289 --> 00:00:23,555 Oh, shiiit! 13 00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:25,624 It looks like an egg-vite from birdperson. 14 00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:27,659 Must be time for his annual Oscar party. 15 00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:29,361 And, by the way, our TV signals take light years 16 00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:30,629 to reach his planet. 17 00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:32,364 Nobody tell him that "braveheart" wins. 18 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:35,200 [ Music plays ] Greetings. This is birdperson. 19 00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:36,468 And Tammy! 20 00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:37,802 Inviting you to planet squanch 21 00:00:37,804 --> 00:00:39,237 for our mate-melding ceremony -- 22 00:00:39,239 --> 00:00:40,872 blugh! [ Muffled ] If you're from earth, 23 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,374 that means we're getting married! 24 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:43,642 Oh, my God! 25 00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:45,477 My friend Tammy's marrying birdperson! 26 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:46,578 What the hell is a birdperson? 27 00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:47,846 He's Rick's best friend. 28 00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:49,514 Uh, l-let's not get carried away, Morty. 29 00:00:49,516 --> 00:00:51,249 Would you like to rsvp or send a gift? 30 00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:53,718 No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. 31 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,220 If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away, 32 00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:57,155 [burps] I'd hang out with Jerry all day. 33 00:00:57,157 --> 00:00:58,690 Affirmative! Returning to sender. 34 00:00:58,692 --> 00:01:00,859 No, hold on, stay, courier flaps. Staying! 35 00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:03,094 Dad, you have a friend that's getting married. 36 00:01:03,096 --> 00:01:04,062 That's a big deal. 37 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,897 It's a big deal he has a friend. 38 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,400 What do you know about friendship, Jerry? 39 00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:09,868 Confirmed, shipping Jerry. 40 00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:11,202 [ Muffled ] Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah! 41 00:01:11,204 --> 00:01:12,170 Oh, God! Jerry! 42 00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:13,004 Dad! Dad! 43 00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:15,340 Where is it taking him? 44 00:01:15,342 --> 00:01:17,075 I assume planet squanch -- 45 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:19,010 6,000 light years across the galaxy. 46 00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:20,912 Whoa, t-that's -- that's insane! 47 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,882 Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding. 48 00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:26,585 ♪ 49 00:01:55,581 --> 00:01:57,215 [ Upbeat music playing] 50 00:01:57,217 --> 00:01:59,117 [ Bottles rattling ] 51 00:02:04,323 --> 00:02:06,057 Rick Sanchez! 52 00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:07,559 You psycho bag of squanch! 53 00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:08,893 Hey, what's up, squanchy? 54 00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:10,061 Summer and Morty: Hey, squanchy. 55 00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:12,631 Morty, Summer! And you must be Beth. 56 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,766 Mwah! Ensquanche! 57 00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:17,669 You're language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. 58 00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:19,437 Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, 59 00:02:19,439 --> 00:02:20,905 like the smurf thing? 60 00:02:20,907 --> 00:02:23,341 Beth, squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. 61 00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:26,344 You just say what's in your squanch and people understand. 62 00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:27,445 Oh. Okay. 63 00:02:27,447 --> 00:02:30,415 I squanchmy family. 64 00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:31,750 Uh... What, I do. 65 00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:32,851 I squanch my family. 66 00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:34,819 Stop saying it. Gross. 67 00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:35,987 Come on in, guys. 68 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,023 The guest are having cocksquanches. 69 00:02:40,693 --> 00:02:42,494 [ Groaning ] 70 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,962 [ Gasps ] 71 00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:45,697 Where am I?! You're at a wedding. 72 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,265 Go change. 73 00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:49,968 ♪ And I'm an alien with jazz rap style ♪ 74 00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:52,771 ♪ jazz rapping for an alien mile ♪ 75 00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:55,273 ♪ fat beats and an alien smile 76 00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:58,276 ♪ jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend ♪ 77 00:02:58,278 --> 00:03:00,178 ♪ I got a mouthful of jazz for your ass ♪ 78 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,446 [ Crying ] 79 00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:02,947 ♪ And I'm gonna keep jazzing 80 00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:04,616 [ both squealing ] Oh, you made it! 81 00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:06,117 I wouldn't it for the world! 82 00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:08,787 Oh, my God. I love your ring. 83 00:03:08,789 --> 00:03:11,656 Thanks. It was birdperson's grandmother's. 84 00:03:11,658 --> 00:03:13,525 She fought a squirrel for it. 85 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:14,826 Birdperson. 86 00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:16,995 Rick, I am pleased you and your family 87 00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:19,130 could witness my melding with Tammy. 88 00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:20,198 Our pleasure. 89 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,200 Yeah, I just hope you got a pre-meld. 90 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,334 Rick! What?! 91 00:03:23,336 --> 00:03:24,703 It's just a practical way of making sure 92 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,970 that when she's done with you, 93 00:03:25,972 --> 00:03:27,305 you can get one of your balls back. 94 00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:28,306 Jesus, dad. 95 00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:29,708 He's just grumpy from the flight. 96 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,476 Ohh, I-I was happy on the flight. 97 00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:33,211 I'm grumpy from the landing. 98 00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:34,646 [ Sighs ] 99 00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:35,847 Well, I looked at the guest book. 100 00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:37,582 We don't know a damn person here. 101 00:03:37,584 --> 00:03:40,318 Hi! Jerry Smith -- father of the bride's friend. 102 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,420 Advertising is my usual game, but I'm between -- 103 00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:44,823 Jerry, stop networking. We're in space. 104 00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:46,324 "Jerry, get a job! 105 00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:48,359 Jerry, don't look for a job at an alien wedding!" 106 00:03:48,361 --> 00:03:49,661 I don't get you. 107 00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:50,995 This is the closest I've ever gotten 108 00:03:50,997 --> 00:03:52,397 to this part of my father's life. 109 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:53,665 I don't want to blow it. 110 00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,266 Okay, I get it. I'm cramping your style. 111 00:03:55,268 --> 00:03:57,769 You say you get it, but I'm scared you'll keep doing it. 112 00:03:57,771 --> 00:04:00,171 Look, here's some humans you can practice on. 113 00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:02,073 You must be Summer's mom and dad. 114 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,342 We're Tammy's parents -- pat and Donna guterman. 115 00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:05,510 Hi. Beth. 116 00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:06,878 This is Jerry. 117 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,514 So you're teenage daughter's marrying a birdman. 118 00:04:09,516 --> 00:04:10,849 Are you guys down with that? 119 00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,383 [ Chuckles ] No pun intended. 120 00:04:12,385 --> 00:04:13,852 We're quite proud. 121 00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:16,755 He's a wonderful person and an incredible bird. 122 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,623 Still, what is he, 40? [ Chuckles ] 123 00:04:18,625 --> 00:04:19,891 It's just, you know, 124 00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:22,060 when he was 30, she was an actual child. 125 00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:23,895 When he was her age, she wasn't born. 126 00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:25,930 When he was, let's see, like, 18, 127 00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:29,033 she was literally in there in your womb. 128 00:04:29,035 --> 00:04:30,468 Imagine being pregnant with your daughter 129 00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:32,303 and a bird teenager comes into your home and says, 130 00:04:32,305 --> 00:04:34,305 "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that." 131 00:04:34,307 --> 00:04:35,940 [ Both chuckle ] Give us one second. 132 00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:38,209 Oof! Were you born with your feet in your mouth? 133 00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:39,577 I was transported here against my will 134 00:04:39,579 --> 00:04:40,979 in a meatball, all right? 135 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:43,314 So take your attitude to the men's section of kmart, 136 00:04:43,316 --> 00:04:45,984 'cause you need to cut me some slack...S. 137 00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,318 I want you to stand in the corner 138 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,254 and face the corner and talk to nobody. 139 00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:52,223 Maybe...I...Will. 140 00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:54,259 You know, you're not being very supportive 141 00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:56,060 of birdperson on his big day. 142 00:04:56,062 --> 00:04:58,229 Birdperson's big day, Morty, 143 00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:01,766 was at blood Ridge on glapflap's third moon 144 00:05:01,768 --> 00:05:03,668 against the gromflamites! 145 00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:06,004 This? This is a losing battle. 146 00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:08,006 Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. 147 00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:09,340 He's getting married! 148 00:05:09,342 --> 00:05:10,942 I mean, what do you think's gonna happen 149 00:05:10,944 --> 00:05:12,644 if you open yourself up a little bit? 150 00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,145 I mean, look around. 151 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:17,015 This is your family and friends all around you, you know? 152 00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,416 Take the day off. 153 00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:20,418 There's nothing to run from, nothing to fight. 154 00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:22,620 [ Whistles ] That's his last name. 155 00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:23,755 Are you hyphenating it? 156 00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,256 Squanch this, mo-fo. 157 00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:26,357 [ Both laugh ] 158 00:05:26,359 --> 00:05:28,426 Good one, Morty. Excuse me, bartender. 159 00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:30,428 Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk? 160 00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:33,665 It's one part lame advice about stuff you know nothing about 161 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,166 and a lot of vodka. 162 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,935 Mm-hmm. I have a lot of vodka. 163 00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:37,869 Then I'll take one of those. 164 00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:39,504 I don't need the rest. 165 00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,105 God, whatever, Rick. 166 00:05:41,107 --> 00:05:42,941 Oh, it sounds like you and my dad have 167 00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:44,209 a long history together. 168 00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:45,844 Wish I could say the same. 169 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,679 The road your father and I walked together 170 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:51,816 is soaked deeply with the blood of both friends and enemies. 171 00:05:51,818 --> 00:05:52,951 Must be nice. 172 00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:54,986 Um, I used to have to draw him 173 00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:56,554 into family photos with a crayon. 174 00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:59,190 The war in which we fought is far from over. 175 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,892 We live our lives in hiding. 176 00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:02,961 I guess I should be happy for you. 177 00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:05,563 I mean, great, you guys got to hang out. 178 00:06:05,565 --> 00:06:07,131 I hope you had a blast. 179 00:06:07,133 --> 00:06:09,500 The galactic government considers us terrorists. 180 00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:12,070 It's unwise of me to share these details, 181 00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:13,671 but I've become inebriated. 182 00:06:13,673 --> 00:06:15,006 I don't know if you can appreciate 183 00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:17,475 what it means to grow up without a father, but -- 184 00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:18,977 the guest list at this wedding 185 00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:21,880 includes 17 of the federation's most wanted. 186 00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,882 We have committed numerous atrocities 187 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,550 in the name of freedom. 188 00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:26,918 Annnd during that time, 189 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,653 I don't suppose he ever mentioned his daughter. 190 00:06:28,655 --> 00:06:30,154 Are those baby quiches? 191 00:06:30,156 --> 00:06:31,389 Night crawler pate. 192 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,658 I should prepare for the ceremony. 193 00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:35,693 Like talking to a brick wall. 194 00:06:35,695 --> 00:06:37,095 [ Squawking ] 195 00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:39,163 In the name of the squanch, the six rivers, 196 00:06:39,165 --> 00:06:41,165 the four squanches, and the nine balls, 197 00:06:41,167 --> 00:06:45,370 I unite these two organisms in eternal squanch! 198 00:06:45,372 --> 00:06:47,438 Tammy, you may squanch your vows now. 199 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:50,174 Birdperson... [ Inhales sharply ] 200 00:06:50,176 --> 00:06:54,379 You are my seed, my worm, my earliness, 201 00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:55,914 and my lack of cats. 202 00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:58,616 I promise to be yours until your death. 203 00:06:58,618 --> 00:06:59,751 Nice! All: Aww! 204 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,185 Birdperson. 205 00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:04,055 Tammy, I was approaching infertility when I met you, 206 00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:05,857 but there is still time. 207 00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:07,592 I am yours until my death. 208 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,027 All: Aww! 209 00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:10,428 [ Burping ] Aww. 210 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:14,032 I now pronounce you squanch and birdperson! 211 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,367 [ Cheers and applause and profane kissing ] 212 00:07:20,873 --> 00:07:24,042 ♪ Girl, you got it going on 213 00:07:25,044 --> 00:07:27,245 [ children laughing ] 214 00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:29,614 [ Monotone ] I am not staring at you. 215 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:32,817 I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural. 216 00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:34,419 This is a candid shot. 217 00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:36,754 I don't require a camera so -- 218 00:07:36,756 --> 00:07:38,389 sorry. 219 00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,625 Hi. I am not staring at you. 220 00:07:42,461 --> 00:07:43,561 [ Screams ] 221 00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:46,464 [ Clinking ] 222 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,066 Uh, hi, everybody. 223 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,567 I'm ri[Burps]ck. 224 00:07:49,569 --> 00:07:54,572 You know, when I first met birdperson, he was, uhh... 225 00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:56,574 Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the Universe 226 00:07:56,576 --> 00:07:57,742 because I'm the smartest. 227 00:07:57,744 --> 00:07:59,644 And being nice is something stupid people do 228 00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:01,079 to hedge their bets. 229 00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,280 Now, I haven't been exactly subtle 230 00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:03,915 about how little I trust marriage. 231 00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:05,249 I couldn't make it work, 232 00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:06,684 and I could turn a black hole into a sun, 233 00:08:06,686 --> 00:08:09,120 so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself 234 00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:10,621 what are the odds this is legit 235 00:08:10,623 --> 00:08:12,523 and not just some big lie we're all telling ourselves 236 00:08:12,525 --> 00:08:14,258 because we're afraid to die alone? 237 00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:16,961 Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. 238 00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:17,996 Oh, boy. Oh, dad. 239 00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,130 Jesus. 240 00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:21,165 But -- but... Here's the thing. 241 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:22,934 Birdperson is my best friend, 242 00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:26,104 and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too. 243 00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:28,773 [ Cheers and applause ] 244 00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:32,343 To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet -- 245 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,846 opening myself up to others. 246 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,447 Summer: Hear, hear! Cheers! 247 00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:38,616 Cheers to that, mother[Bleep] 248 00:08:38,618 --> 00:08:39,817 Thank you, Rick. 249 00:08:39,819 --> 00:08:41,152 That was beautiful. 250 00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:44,322 Gosh, I look around this room, and I think, 251 00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:46,457 "uh, Tammy, you're a high-school senior 252 00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,026 from the planet earth, and you're marrying 253 00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:50,795 a 40-year-old birdperson? Like, what?!" 254 00:08:50,797 --> 00:08:51,796 [ Laughter ] 255 00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:53,297 Yeah, Tammy! 256 00:08:53,299 --> 00:08:55,800 But then I think, you know, in a lot of ways, 257 00:08:55,802 --> 00:08:58,803 I'm not a high-school senior from the planet earth. 258 00:08:58,805 --> 00:09:00,872 In a lot of ways, what I really am 259 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:04,142 is a deep-cover agent for the galactic federation, 260 00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:05,910 and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, 261 00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:09,380 and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded. 262 00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:10,982 [ All murmur ] Oh, shit. 263 00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:12,050 I...Don't get the metaphor. 264 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,418 I'll explain it to you later. 265 00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:15,186 Everyone here is under arrest 266 00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:16,888 for crimes against the federation. 267 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:17,989 L'Chaim! 268 00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:19,323 Tammy, what are you doing? 269 00:09:19,325 --> 00:09:21,526 Sit your bird ass down. 270 00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:22,493 Tammy? 271 00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:25,163 [ Cawing weakly ] 272 00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,531 Birdperson!! 273 00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:27,999 No!! 274 00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,400 [ Screaming ] 275 00:09:32,037 --> 00:09:33,237 Holy -- 276 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:43,181 [ beep ] Drop the portal gun. 277 00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:45,483 Slide it to the center of the room. 278 00:09:47,186 --> 00:09:48,453 [ Beeping ] 279 00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:50,755 Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. 280 00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:51,722 They'll want it at -- 281 00:09:51,724 --> 00:09:53,357 [ whooshing ] 282 00:09:53,359 --> 00:09:56,260 [ High-pitched ringing and muffled background ] 283 00:10:12,711 --> 00:10:14,412 [ Sighs, roars ] 284 00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:15,980 There's no time to squanch! 285 00:10:15,982 --> 00:10:17,815 Get your family out of here! 286 00:10:17,817 --> 00:10:19,117 I got this. 287 00:10:20,586 --> 00:10:22,553 [ Gulps ] 288 00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,722 [ Roaring ] 289 00:10:24,724 --> 00:10:27,592 [ Deep voice ] How about a taste of my squanch?! 290 00:10:27,594 --> 00:10:29,127 [ Growling ] 291 00:10:31,063 --> 00:10:32,730 Come on, this way! 292 00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:34,465 Squanch this! 293 00:10:38,003 --> 00:10:39,704 [ Engine turns over ] 294 00:10:42,474 --> 00:10:44,575 Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. 295 00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:47,078 That's a confetti gun, you [Bleep] idiot! 296 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,646 Beth: Dad! Hold on tight! 297 00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:52,750 Aaah!! 298 00:10:56,488 --> 00:10:58,122 Aaaah!! 299 00:10:58,124 --> 00:11:00,258 [ Sirens wailing ] 300 00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:02,160 God damn it! God damn it!! 301 00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:09,834 What the hell happened back there?! 302 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:13,204 This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid. 303 00:11:15,674 --> 00:11:18,876 Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us 304 00:11:18,878 --> 00:11:20,444 about your relationship 305 00:11:20,446 --> 00:11:23,447 with this previously unknown galactic government? 306 00:11:23,449 --> 00:11:25,616 All the important points seem pretty clear, no? 307 00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:27,885 They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. 308 00:11:27,887 --> 00:11:29,887 Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. 309 00:11:29,889 --> 00:11:31,856 How could you be so dishonest with this family? 310 00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:34,292 Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting 311 00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:35,626 and loving like, oh, I don't know, 312 00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:38,462 my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, 313 00:11:38,464 --> 00:11:41,065 who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? 314 00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:42,300 Hey, Tammy was cool! 315 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:44,302 And now we know why. Because of you! 316 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,370 [Bleep] You, Summer, and [Bleep] the government, 317 00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:48,239 and [Bleep] me for letting my guard down, 318 00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:49,907 which I will never do again. 319 00:11:49,909 --> 00:11:51,342 Geez, Rick! 320 00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:53,811 You can't say f-- "'f' you" to your granddaughter. 321 00:11:53,813 --> 00:11:56,547 I just did, Morty. Here's dessert. [Bleep] You. 322 00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,316 Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. 323 00:11:58,318 --> 00:12:00,151 Actually, the wedding was beautiful. 324 00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:01,352 The reception got out of hand. 325 00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:03,588 Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, 326 00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,489 and have a family meeting in the morning. 327 00:12:05,491 --> 00:12:07,758 Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. 328 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:08,926 All: What?! 329 00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:10,494 Oh, these guys are looking for us now. 330 00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:11,996 Earth will be swarming with them. 331 00:12:11,998 --> 00:12:13,064 Us?! 332 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,498 Jerry -- I want to go home! 333 00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,167 Look, anyone that wants to go back to earth 334 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:17,335 is free to go back to earth. 335 00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:18,536 But here's what's gonna happen. 336 00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:19,904 Aliens bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. 337 00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:21,839 They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent 338 00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:24,542 of [Burps] jumper cables under your nuts and or labia 339 00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:26,377 and hook them up to an alien car battery 340 00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:27,778 until you tell them where I am -- 341 00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:29,680 which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, 342 00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:31,682 which I guarantee they won't believe. 343 00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,618 So who's homesick? By applause. 344 00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:36,020 [ Sobbing ] Ladies? Anybody? 345 00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:37,355 What are we going to do? 346 00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,689 Where are we going to live? 347 00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:41,092 Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. 348 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,560 [Bleep] Earth. 349 00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:44,528 You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? 350 00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:45,863 We'll find a new world. 351 00:12:45,865 --> 00:12:47,465 Computer, how many planets in the milky way 352 00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,433 are at least 90% similar to earth? 353 00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:52,803 [ Beeping ] Woman: 765 known planets. 354 00:12:52,805 --> 00:12:55,473 How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? 355 00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:57,642 [ Beeping ] Three. 356 00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:59,810 See? Our cup runneth over. 357 00:12:59,812 --> 00:13:01,312 Now, who wants to go shopping 358 00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:03,714 for a brand-new mother[Bleep] world?! 359 00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:04,882 All right! 360 00:13:04,884 --> 00:13:06,584 Look at this baby! 361 00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:08,386 Would you even know that wasn't earth? 362 00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:10,288 Morty: Yes, because there's no Africa. 363 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,390 Pssh. White-people problems, Morty. 364 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,592 Let's go down and check her out. 365 00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:16,560 [ Thud, water splashing ] 366 00:13:16,562 --> 00:13:18,396 Oh. I thought it was further away. 367 00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:20,965 I uh...I guess this one's a little small. 368 00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,433 All right, uh, maybe -- 369 00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:24,535 maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? 370 00:13:29,007 --> 00:13:30,808 Okay, this one's bigger. 371 00:13:33,278 --> 00:13:34,912 This looks nice. 372 00:13:34,914 --> 00:13:36,180 Mom, dad, look! 373 00:13:36,182 --> 00:13:37,948 Strawberries on a cob! 374 00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:39,183 [ Munching ] 375 00:13:39,185 --> 00:13:41,118 Whoa! Hey, check this out! 376 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:43,087 Flowers on a cob! [ Laughs ] 377 00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:46,257 Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? 378 00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:47,525 That's pretty cool. 379 00:13:47,527 --> 00:13:50,194 Are those... Mountains on a cob? 380 00:13:50,196 --> 00:13:51,662 [ Birds cawing ] 381 00:13:53,131 --> 00:13:54,765 Rick: Oh, my God. 382 00:13:59,271 --> 00:14:00,671 Get in the ship, sweetie. What? 383 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,173 Get in the god[Bleep] ship!! 384 00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:03,607 Everything's on a cob!! 385 00:14:03,609 --> 00:14:05,976 The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!! 386 00:14:05,978 --> 00:14:07,778 [ Engine turns over ] 387 00:14:08,714 --> 00:14:11,282 [ Burps ] All right, third time's the charm. 388 00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:12,583 See what we got here. 389 00:14:15,821 --> 00:14:17,188 Seems good. 390 00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,656 And nothing on the cob. 391 00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:20,491 Didn't know that was a necessity, but... 392 00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:22,660 No, it's nice. I think this might be it. 393 00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:24,495 Wow! Hey, look, you guys. 394 00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:26,163 The sun's rising. 395 00:14:26,165 --> 00:14:29,066 Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!! 396 00:14:31,136 --> 00:14:34,138 Uh, dad, how long are the days on this planet? 397 00:14:34,140 --> 00:14:36,474 Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 398 00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:37,842 [ Screaming continues ] 399 00:14:37,844 --> 00:14:39,577 42 hours. 400 00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,979 All right, well, those are the two choices, 401 00:14:41,981 --> 00:14:44,081 'cause cob planet is off the table. 402 00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:45,383 Now let's take a vote. 403 00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:46,751 Man: Well, it's official. 404 00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:48,886 The obscure planet known as earth, 405 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:52,056 formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist 406 00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:53,657 and fugitive Rick Sanchez, 407 00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:56,994 has just become the 6,048th planet 408 00:14:56,996 --> 00:14:58,763 to join the galactic federation. 409 00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:00,698 The plucky little ball of water and dirt, 410 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,433 which is where it gets its name, 411 00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:06,003 is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives 412 00:15:06,005 --> 00:15:10,107 who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos. 413 00:15:10,109 --> 00:15:12,109 Spaghetti, kangaroos? 414 00:15:12,111 --> 00:15:13,944 I've got to check this place out. 415 00:15:13,946 --> 00:15:15,079 [ Both laugh ] 416 00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:16,514 Well, you can. 417 00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,349 Contact the ministry of tourism for details. 418 00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:20,418 Up next, teenagers are calling it 419 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,520 [ growls and squeals] 420 00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:24,688 And it's not what you think. 421 00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:26,290 What are you -- what did you do that for? 422 00:15:26,292 --> 00:15:27,425 Dramatic effect. 423 00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:28,692 Good morning, family. 424 00:15:28,694 --> 00:15:30,027 Oh, do I smell bacon? 425 00:15:30,029 --> 00:15:32,296 Yes, we discovered a species of tiny pig 426 00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:33,764 off the coast of new Australia 427 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:36,200 about 30 yards east. Or 300 yards west. 428 00:15:36,202 --> 00:15:37,601 We'd offer you some, 429 00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:40,037 but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast. 430 00:15:40,039 --> 00:15:42,239 Well, I thought I'd walk to the South pole 431 00:15:42,241 --> 00:15:43,707 and do a little bit of exploring. 432 00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:45,209 If you guys need me, just yell 433 00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:46,410 or throw something so hard 434 00:15:46,412 --> 00:15:47,912 that it goes around the world and hits me. 435 00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:49,814 [ Door shuts ] Okay, now that he's gone, 436 00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:52,249 can we please talk about our situation? 437 00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:54,552 Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. 438 00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:55,820 You know, it's a small world. 439 00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:57,555 Please, he's in the South pole! 440 00:15:57,557 --> 00:16:00,057 And we need to have a serious conversation. 441 00:16:00,059 --> 00:16:03,160 [ Insects chirping ] 442 00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:07,832 [ Thunder rumbles ] 443 00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:10,534 [ Wind howling ] 444 00:16:12,237 --> 00:16:14,305 South pole discovered, baby! 445 00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,173 Ohhhh! 446 00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:18,142 Oh [Bleep] an ice cave? 447 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:19,410 [Bleep] 448 00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:21,946 Things just keep on getting better. 449 00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:24,482 Wow, it's the planet's core. 450 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,916 I'm just saying, 451 00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:28,285 we keep acting like there's only two options, 452 00:16:28,287 --> 00:16:29,620 but there's not. 453 00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:31,422 So, yes, if we went back to earth, 454 00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:32,590 as long as Rick was out there, 455 00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:33,991 they'd want to interrogate us. 456 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,160 But, and this is purely hypothetical, 457 00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,596 what if we turned your father in to the government? 458 00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:39,964 Jerry, so help me God, 459 00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:41,999 if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. 460 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,001 There already is no more bacon! 461 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,102 This world sucks! 462 00:16:45,104 --> 00:16:46,103 Our life sucks! 463 00:16:46,105 --> 00:16:47,972 Why are we doing this for someone 464 00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:51,675 that would never do anything for anyone but himself? 465 00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:53,344 Morty: That's not the point, dad! 466 00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:56,180 We love Rick... F-for the most part. 467 00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:58,516 Summer: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, 468 00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:00,651 dad, you love them unconditionally. 469 00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:02,720 That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. 470 00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:04,455 Okay, so let me get this straight. 471 00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:05,689 For the rest of your lives, 472 00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:07,191 no matter how much it hurts you, 473 00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:09,393 no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, 474 00:17:09,395 --> 00:17:12,396 we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? 475 00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:14,064 All: Yes. Why?! 476 00:17:14,066 --> 00:17:17,134 Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!! 477 00:17:26,311 --> 00:17:28,979 Hey. Uh... 478 00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:31,048 I was gonna hope over to the gloppydrop system, 479 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:31,982 get some ice cream. 480 00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:33,551 You -- you want me to come with? 481 00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,386 I mean, don't you need my brain waves 482 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,987 for camouflage or something? 483 00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:38,322 I'll be okay. 484 00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:39,390 Bye, Morty. 485 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:40,591 Rick? 486 00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,426 You're not leaving, right? 487 00:17:42,428 --> 00:17:44,228 Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. 488 00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:45,663 So, you're coming back? 489 00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:48,265 Morty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream 490 00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:49,500 and then you don't come back, 491 00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,001 you haven't actually gotten ice cream, 492 00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:53,170 you've just gone where ice cream is. 493 00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:55,739 Rick, I can handle it if you go, 494 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,207 but you'll break mom's heart. 495 00:17:57,209 --> 00:17:59,343 And I won't forgive you for that. 496 00:17:59,345 --> 00:18:01,278 Where's the van, Morty? 497 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,615 It's over the horizon in the driveway. 498 00:18:09,754 --> 00:18:11,655 [ Engine turns over ] 499 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:21,231 ♪ I hurt myself today 500 00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:22,733 [ dialing ] 501 00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:24,535 [ Woman speaking gibberish ] 502 00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:26,036 For English, press 2. 503 00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:27,871 [ Beep] Connecting to agent. 504 00:18:27,873 --> 00:18:29,473 Woman: Ongoing investigations. 505 00:18:29,475 --> 00:18:32,876 Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet earth. 506 00:18:32,878 --> 00:18:35,245 I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, 507 00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:36,580 the wanted criminal. 508 00:18:36,582 --> 00:18:37,881 Hold on! [ Ringing ] 509 00:18:37,883 --> 00:18:39,149 This is special agent gribbles. 510 00:18:39,151 --> 00:18:40,784 You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? 511 00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:42,886 Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, 512 00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:44,888 and he left us on dwarf terrace-9. 513 00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:47,725 He said he was gonna go to the plimplom tavern. 514 00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:49,326 And listen. Yes? 515 00:18:49,328 --> 00:18:51,328 I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you, 516 00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:55,232 so if we come back to earth, can my family have a normal life? 517 00:18:55,234 --> 00:18:58,302 We only want Sanchez, sir. Your family will be fine. 518 00:18:58,304 --> 00:18:59,737 Nice. Thank you. 519 00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:03,907 I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty 520 00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:08,612 [bleep] And licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. 521 00:19:08,614 --> 00:19:11,749 Uh...Okay. 522 00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:18,589 ♪ What have I become 523 00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:23,794 ♪ my sweetest friend 524 00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:28,432 ♪ everyone I know 525 00:19:28,434 --> 00:19:35,639 ♪ goes away in the end 526 00:19:35,641 --> 00:19:38,475 ♪ you could have it all he's not coming back, is he? 527 00:19:38,477 --> 00:19:41,845 No. 528 00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:47,818 ♪ My empire of dirt hey, look, cops. 529 00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:50,154 ♪ I will you down 530 00:19:50,156 --> 00:19:53,390 good morning. 531 00:19:53,392 --> 00:19:58,429 ♪ I will make you hurt 532 00:20:02,734 --> 00:20:04,635 how long will you be visiting earth? 533 00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:06,136 Oh, we live here. 534 00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:08,372 We were just off-planet for a wedding. 535 00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:09,940 Go that way. 536 00:20:28,526 --> 00:20:30,394 [ Tires screech, beeping ] 537 00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,763 I have processed that you are in in distress 538 00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:34,898 and have proscribed antidepressants. 539 00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:37,668 Compliments of the galactic federation. 540 00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:38,836 I feel better. 541 00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:40,738 Your debt is 7,000 fed credits. 542 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,206 Report to the ministry of employment 543 00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:44,508 and you will be assigned a function. 544 00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:48,011 Honey! I got a job! 545 00:20:48,013 --> 00:20:50,347 ♪ You could have it all 546 00:20:50,349 --> 00:20:54,084 [ monotone ] Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot. 547 00:20:54,086 --> 00:21:00,124 ♪ My empire of dirt 548 00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:06,130 ♪ I will let you down 549 00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:10,200 ♪ I will make you hurt 550 00:21:14,873 --> 00:21:17,441 hey, what are you in for? 551 00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:19,810 Everything. 552 00:21:24,549 --> 00:21:27,217 ♪ 553 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,748 Hoo-whee, what a cliffhanger. 554 00:21:57,750 --> 00:21:59,082 Oh, boy, oh, my! 555 00:21:59,084 --> 00:22:01,919 That's a real crazy ending, huh? 556 00:22:01,921 --> 00:22:05,088 Hi, I'm Mr. poopybutthole from episode 204. 557 00:22:05,090 --> 00:22:06,857 [ Groans ] As you can see, 558 00:22:06,859 --> 00:22:09,092 I'm still recovering from the bullet shot 559 00:22:09,094 --> 00:22:10,928 that I got from Beth. 560 00:22:10,930 --> 00:22:12,963 Remember that one? Ooh-whee! 561 00:22:12,965 --> 00:22:14,798 [ Meowing ] Come and get it, kitty. 562 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:17,768 You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. 563 00:22:17,770 --> 00:22:18,702 [ Gulping ] 564 00:22:18,704 --> 00:22:20,270 Ooh-whee. 565 00:22:20,272 --> 00:22:22,806 Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. 566 00:22:22,808 --> 00:22:25,509 [ Doorbell rings ] 567 00:22:25,511 --> 00:22:27,978 I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. 568 00:22:27,980 --> 00:22:30,147 Hey, what did you think of that finale, huh? 569 00:22:30,149 --> 00:22:33,016 Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? 570 00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:34,484 Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bro. 571 00:22:34,486 --> 00:22:35,953 Your total is $12.37. 572 00:22:35,955 --> 00:22:38,121 Whoo-whee! You think Rick's gonna get out off jail? 573 00:22:38,123 --> 00:22:39,857 Whoo-whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? 574 00:22:39,859 --> 00:22:41,291 Hey, what the [Bleep]?! Get the [Bleep] off me! 575 00:22:41,293 --> 00:22:43,627 [ Laughing and saying "ooh-whee!" ] 576 00:22:43,629 --> 00:22:44,962 Ow! 577 00:22:44,964 --> 00:22:46,496 Turn in to "Rick and Morty" season three in, 578 00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:48,465 like, a year and a half... 579 00:22:48,467 --> 00:22:52,302 Or longer to see how we unravel this mess. 580 00:22:52,304 --> 00:22:54,037 Ooh-whee!