[Bravo chime]
MADISON: Previously on Southern Charm...
You know, if he made a move...
would I be into it?
Yeah.
Yeah...
MADISON: As Sally made her intentions with Craig clear...
Craig had other relationship goals.
I told Charlie we'd do Piña Colada's.
-Okay. -[laughs]
Hi! And by the time we all got together for his pool party...
[loud splash]
...it was obvious Austen was still in his feels.
Austen's not coming. He's in Charlotte.
Why? He ----ing-- he knows he started our fight,
and I didn't ----ing hit him back with all the sh--
that he's been telling me for months.
MADISON: Meanwhile, Molly was in no mood to beat around the bush.
I heard Sally's been talking sh-- about my vagina?
I did mention the fact that you had a little...
-...nip-tuck. -So that's how she knows.
Sorry I have a beautiful vagina.
Are you jealous? Go get yours done.
I did not talk sh-- about your vagina.
I'm sure it's great.
You're malicious, you ----ing asshole.
MADISON: But it was Venita
who got in the last licks with Sally.
You make it very hard being on your side,
when you're on the side of someone I don't like.
I don't want to stop hanging out with Craig.
♪♪♪
I don't have anything else to say.
♪ Times have changed she's not your typical little lamb ♪
♪ Ba-ba-doo ♪
♪♪♪
That can all go right out there at the screened porch.
Chop-chop!
-Working for that cash tip. -Yeah.
Oh, right here, fellas.
Don't scratch the walls.
Oh, they think I'm kidding.
Oh, Brett said throw it in the trash.
What the heck's wrong with my teddy?
[laughs]
AUSTEN: I can't do this.
Here's your favorite thing, watching me scoop your poop.
[loud meow]
[sighs] You guys take human-sized sh--s.
I think there's good chaos, and I think there's also chaos
that we probably inflicted on ourselves
through multiple deals and national store.
-Really rapid growth. -[Craig slurps]
It's a good problem.
I can't take this seriously with him whipping--
Can you stop licking that, please? Thanks. Oh, my God.
♪♪♪
-PATRICIA: Randy? -Yes, ma'am?
So, what I'm thinking...
um, let me just play here.
Okay.
I put the place card in front, like that.
But I have to fill up the space a little.
Yeah.
All right, so let me see.
Oh, I think that's the wrong spoon.
RANDY: Oh. Oh, gosh, really?
-Can I give that back to you? -Absolutely.
How'd that happen?
Wait a minute, this is up to... This is turned...
/Why are these turned the wrong way?
Oh, my God. These are turned the wrong way.
-[murmuring] Just turn them...
-Thank you. -You're welcome.
Randy is a very nice person,
but he was not professionally trained as a butler.
He was really a bartender.
But he's most interested in developing his job as a DJ.
Make sure it's positioned properly.
So, I usually come in and rearrange the silverware
because it's not done properly.
Yeah, I think they have to be clean, though.
There are a lot of little niceties that I know about
because I had Michael, who was professionally trained.
-You are here. -Thank you.
[elegant music plays]
[soft splashing]
I don't expect him to know all those things,
but last night, he put his phone in the oven.
I smell something burning.
Somebody didn't clean the ovens.
They put the bottom tray in incorrectly.
I could not see what I was doing,
so I turned the light on, on my phone.
Then I got distracted, and we turned it on
to heat up some food, and my phone was in the oven.
No kidding.
It melted, and they were toxic fumes all over the house.
[chuckles] I mean...
-You ready for a cocktail? -Yeah, absolutely.
I'll be right out with it.
-Hey, Whitney. -Hey, Randy.
-Hey, honey. -Hi.
What do you think? For the guys' dinner.
-That's beautiful. -I think it'll be pretty.
So, dragon? That'd be a great tattoo.
Bite your tongue. [laughs]
I have always had all-male dinners.
I get a lot more gossip with the guys.
Yeah, they're much more fun.
I'll let you do the place marks.
You can decide who would be good next to who.
Well, I'm not sure. I just saw Austin.
Oh, how's he?
Well, he's a little reticent about seeing Craig again.
Do I want to, you know, subject myself
to Craig's ----ing assholery?
But I am interested to hear what Craig has to say to me,
because I just want almost to prove to myself
that Craig does not have an apology in his bones.
Maybe this would be a good thing,
because it would kind of force them to come and be together.
-So, like a detente. -[laughs] Yeah.
If not, we'll have fabulous food.
♪♪♪
[knocking]
Hello.
-Hey! -Hi!
Look at you! Good to see you.
She doesn't bark at you
like she normally does with everybody else.
Oh, she can sense goodness.
[laughs] And you remember Edie.
-Hi! -Edie, this is your cousin.
How's it going?
Last time you saw Edie, what, she was like...
SHEP: How old are you now?
She's very shy.
-She's three-and-a-half. -Three-and-a-half.
-Yeah. -Okay.
Oh, man, look at Edie.
-Yes. -I mean, you saw her
when she was like, I don't know, 1 or 2 months.
I know, I know. I feel terrible.
-I've had another kid. -I know.
I wish I saw Marcie more.
Of course, she has two young children.
This is it. This is all I do right now.
So, yeah, it's an obviously different path
and journey that she's now on.
Nah... That's not me.
-Let's go. Hey! -Look who's here.
What's up? Good to see you.
-How you doing? -Doing well.
-Look who it is! -What's up, buddy?
Wow.
-He's pretty chill. -Yeah, he's great.
You don't know what's going on, do you?
Not yet, at least.
Does this make you have, like, fever?
Do you want to be a daddy? [laughs]
Maybe. Maybe. Uh...
I think I have a paternal instinct a little bit.
-I'm trying to figure it out. -Look, you're doing awesome.
Well, what about you, though? What's going on?
Nothing. I got this new house.
-So where is this new one? -It's on Sullivan's.
Wow! So this is, like, your primary, like,
where you're going to live?
Yeah. I'm doing adult things and trying to...
Adult things because you bought a house?
What about, like...
-Bought a bigger house. -Bigger house?
If you build it, they will come?
Maybe. Maybe.
Like, oh, my God, I would love to be struck by lightning.
The proverbial lightning. Not really.
But I'm not going to just pick the next person
that walks by and say, let's go.
So here we are in the unconventional age of 45
trying to still figure things out.
Evie-- Wow. Evie, come with me.
-Mommy's trying to talk. -See, we do this a lot.
We, like, divide and conquer.
-Let's go play with unicorns. -All right.
Let's go play with unicorns!
But anyway, like, I don't see you as, like,
the conventional suburbian house.
Yeah. I just, I'm not the white picket fence guy.
-Just not. -But you want the family.
Yeah.
So what are you looking for now?
Probably, since I'm a fellow adventurer,
doing new experiences and new places.
Because that's when I'm happiest.
Yeah.
Yeah, and that's when I feel most alive.
Sounds like you want someone flexible
to fit your needs as far as, like.
-I know. -Someone that's willing to.
I know. I sound like an egomaniac.
Well, no. I mean, you know, I guess you know what you want.
Settle down is not something I aspire to.
But all my heroes are, you know...
-...ill-behaved guys. -Yeah.
Warren Beatty is a famous playboy, and he got married
and has four kids, so it can be done.
I'm not a famous playboy, unfortunately.
Shep and Warren Beatty.
[both laughing]
♪♪♪
Hey, how's it going? It's hot outside, isn't it?
Mmm, not really. I'm just oily.
[both laughing]
I'm gonna start with champagne.
And let's do half a dozen of the roasted oysters, please.
SERVER: Excellent.
- Thank you so much. - SERVER: You're welcome.
- Hello. - Oh, you look cute! Hey!
- Hi. - You look cute.
- Thank you. - It's weird, like, coming
and meeting you on these, like, weird circumstances.
- SERVER: How's it going? - Hi.
Here's some water for you. Do you wanna see the drink menu?
No, this is great. I'll drink with her.
- SERVER: Okay. - Thank you so much.
Well, how are you, first of all?
- Things are awkward right now. - I know.
They've never been awkward before in our life.
Never.
- Thank you. - SALLEY: Okay, thank you.
- Um-- - I can let you go first.
Well, what do you have in to say?
I'm a great listener, so I'll let you go first.
VENITA: Things are awkward right now.
SALLEY: I know.
VENITA: I can let you go first.
Well, what do you have to say?
I'm a great listener, so I'll let you go first.
SALLEY: So, first of all,
I'm gonna be completely honest with you right now.
I don't wanna stop hanging out with Craig.
[tense music]
So what's the end goal with that?
I don't really think that there needs to be one.
Right now I'm just having fun.
But, like, Salley would like to be married,
and Salley would like to have kids.
I mean, like, that's my end goal, of course.
So why do you keep giving him
the time of day? 'Cause you're wasting it.
We are entitled to our own opinions in this adult life.
There is something to be said about a friend
who can see the mistakes you're gonna make before you make them.
No, I'm gonna find out for myself.
So help me God for me saying this out loud.
I'll give you enough rope to hang yourself.
I'm trying to protect you right now.
Because he will literally hold you and walk you
like a dog on a leash until he is done with you,
and he will let that leash go.
Never in my life have I had a grown adult
tell me what I can and can't do, not even my parents.
Who the [bleep] are you to tell me what I can and can't do?
Don't come crying to me when
he ----ing hurts you and breaks your heart.
She knows how much I hate Craig,
and I don't do well when people don't hear me.
So it's either you pick this man that I think will
make your life a living hell, or you pick me as a friend
who's gonna make your life sunshine and rainbows.
Heaven or hell. Pick one.
SALLEY: I have to go.
I'm trying to protect you from somebody
that does not give two sh--s about you.
Let me find out for myself.
You want me to let you get your heart broken?
- Yes. - Then do it.
♪♪♪
[upbeat music]
MOLLY: All right, I feel like I should know
how to get in here at this point, but...
Hello?
- WHITNEY: Hello. - MOLLY: Hi.
- Why, hello, beautiful. - MOLLY: Hi.
- What a beautiful dress. - Thank you.
- How you doing? - Very well. Please.
Well, happy belated birthday. I bought you a little...
- Oh, you brought me a gift? - Got you a little treat.
- How sweet. - Well, it's a--
I know it's a cupcake. [bleep] you. Please.
[laughs] I know it's your favorite.
You do this so you don't get icing all over in your nose.
- It's like a sandwich? - Uh-huh.
That's the last thing you need.
Whitney!
It's the gift that just keeps on giving.
[laughs] Whatever, you know I love you.
Whitney and I hooked up ten years ago,
and I was like, "Oh, okay, maybe we'll date."
And then I realized that was not gonna happen.
Yeah, we're like brother and sister. We--
You know, she's too good for me.
And I'm just gonna keep torturing him
for the rest of his life about the cupcake ordeal.
Wait, what the [bleep] on your back there? You have a tattoo?
Oh, yeah, I got it in Thailand.
- The [bleep] is that? - It's an elephant.
It's the worst tattoo I've ever seen in my life.
You're the worst tattoo I've ever seen in my life.
Wait, did you ever see this? I got a ----ing--
- I know, I've seen it. - Jagermeister tattooed here.
- Which is pretty bad. - [Whitney chuckles]
- Anyway, how you been? - I've been all right.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I have started singing recently.
- You're singing now? - Yes.
- No. - Whitney,
I got a full ride to college in vocals and band,
but you don't ever listen to me.
Let's hear. Let's hear what you have.
Oh, you wanna hear it?
I'd love to hear it.
♪ Thinking it over ♪
It's like-- it's like, "Ugh, this is so bad, I hate it."
♪ Like a moth into a flame ♪
- Beautiful voice. - Thank you.
Kind of a country twang to it.
I have horrible taste in music.
[playing rock chords]
♪ I asked you for a table dance ♪
♪ You came over, put your hand in my pants ♪
[playing guitar riff]
My head is vibrating.
Generally, my style of music is not really...
commensurate with...
people at large.
It's amazing. It's beautiful.
Yeah. I mean, I don't suck at singing.
- So, yeah. - What else is going on?
Whitney, you've missed so much.
Salley started, like...
I don't know, just kind of like talking sh-- and being weird.
Talking sh-- about what?
Like, bringing up a surgery I had, like, seven years ago.
Okay, tell me what he said.
About my vagina?
I had a labiaplasty.
Like, the skin removal on vagina lips.
- Really? - Yes.
I had no issues.
Anything to shave the curtains
and for a nice, clean appearance,
I fully embraced.
So you kind of had an outie and then they made an innie.
Yeah. I had a little-- Yeah.
[laughing]
♪♪♪
Hi, how are you? I had a reservation for five.
HOST: So we do have a table here in the corner for you guys.
Thank you so much.
- HOST: Enjoy. - Perfect.
Look, it's Cha-Cha.
[Charley exclaiming]
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my goodness!
- Hi. - Hey.
- CHARLEY: How's it going? - Great, how are you?
- Good. Hi. - How are you?
- Good.
Hey, honey. Annie, I like your dress.
Do you wanna sit over here by Mommy?
THEO: You wanna sit by Mommy?
Damn, I wish you could have a margarita, but you can't.
I know.
CHARLEY: I have two sisters.
My older sister is eight years older than I am.
We have different dads.
Have you talked to Scarlet lately?
Yeah, a little bit.
She's so busy right now with work.
My younger sister is two years younger than I am.
We have the same dad, but we actually do not have
a relationship with our biological father.
You know, my mom's been married three times.
And thank God, because if she, like, hadn't been,
then I wouldn't, like, have the dad that I do now.
- Hi. How are y'all doing? - Hi! Good, how are you?
I'm gonna do, like, a skinny margarita.
The kids are gonna do a cheese quesadilla each.
- The vampiro. - Sounds good. Thank y'all.
Annie, do you think that your mom's having a girl or a boy?
CHARLEY: A girl? What's its name?
- Flower-Ball. - THEO: Flower-Ball.
CHARLEY: Wow. That's special.
You are so cute.
Oh, thank you.
So, I don't want my kids to be, like,
way older than all their little cousins.
Oh, yeah.
I'm like, you know, when are you gonna...
-I'm having a taco. -You want to go outside?
You want to go outside with Daddy?
-All right, let's go. -Bye, mummy.
Anyways, any prospects?
Um, there's a guy.
-Blue raspberry's my favorite. -Love.
But... Sally likes him, you know?
I mean, like, he's single, right?
And you're single, so...
I mean, I don't know. I just don't want you to, like,
close yourself off to the possibility of something.
I did learn in therapy
that I was my mom's consoler growing up.
And that had a lot to do with me just always wanting
to make sure that, like, she was okay.
That she was happy.
So, I think that's why I care about my friends
and their feelings very deeply.
Like, the older you get, the quicker, like...
Well, not quicker, but you just know what you want.
-I know. -I'm just trying to give
the best older sister advice that I can.
I know, I know, I know, I know.
I just want you to be happy.
In your friendships, your relationships,
like, in all of it, you know?
Coming up...
Like, I can't lie to you and not say
that I wouldn't take her back.
[energetic music]
Hey, y'all. How's it going?
WAITRESS: Good, how are you?
I think we're going to go up to the Snug today.
Hello.
There he is.
-What up? -Welcome.
-How are you? -Good, how are you?
-[indistinct] -Yeah, you too.
I saw you worked out at my gym today.
Yeah, that place doesn't have a fan.
-It's a... -Burning.
Yeah, it's a raw, like, raw workout.
-The way a gym should be. -Yeah.
I didn't realize you and Austin go there, right?
I go there, and Austin walks on the treadmill at night there.
He does his cardio there, which is not a cardio gym.
-That is not a cardio gym. -Yeah.
Hi, guys, how's it going?
Can I get you guys something to drink?
A Diet Coke and a Pilsner and a glass, please.
-Yeah, a Munkle. -Two, please.
-Two? -Yeah.
Can we have, like, chips and dip,
some shrimp [indistinct]?
-What else do you want? -That's light. We're good.
-All right. -Yeah. Thank you.
Um...
Like, have you talked with him since, like...
Tried to. He's really doing this victim thing.
Thank you.
It's a really unhealthy perspective to have. Thank you.
And you're gonna see him tomorrow?
Yeah. At the guys' dinner.
But, like, I had a really good therapy session
-with ChatGPT the other day. -Really?
But I figured out why I snapped on Austin.
Like, I feel so wronged by the fallout from, like, my breakup.
You told me that you were jealous I was single.
No, I didn't. I never said that.
-Yes, you did. -That never happened.
Oh, my God.
Austin keeping Audrey in a relationship
when he knows they're not gonna get married isn't fair.
I was on the other side of this with Paige,
and I think you gotta let the person
go live their life, you know?
You were triggered.
You can apologize for being triggered.
But that doesn't mean, like, he can just ----ing,
like, not show up to your house and not talk to you.
Exactly.
I'm real sympathetic to him
because he and I have gone through the same thing.
And emotionally, since the breakup,
I'd be a liar if I didn't say I didn't carry some anger.
I mean, like, having a family, like, that's where I was going.
That was the plan. So, yeah, I mean, yes.
I'm still angry.
So, anyway, ChatGPT was like,
you just have to be patient with yourself.
And, like, I cried, dude.
I ----ing cried talking to my phone.
It was all about shelving the book of my three years.
That chapter with Paige is closed.
Yeah. You can't dwell on the past.
I do feel like I'm moving into this chapter that's past.
Like, oh, I want to fix my heart.
And I feel like other parts of my body are now like,
F--- your heart.
What are the rules with, like, making out?
And, like, do you have to date right after?
I know you don't, but I'm like,
I don't want to lead anyone on,
but I also want to make out with someone.
But that does beg the question.
To the two very cute young women who spent time in your hot tub.
Are either of them a candidate?
Or have you considered it? Why not ask one of them?
Yeah.
So you've got no, like, fear to just ask someone out?
And then, like, what happens at the end of the day?
Dude, after what happened,
I got a ----ing 9,000-pound armor system on me.
You can't get to the surface of this.
I'll take your rejection.
I got stood up by a girl on Valentine's Day last year,
- and I was like, f--- it. - I don't have any armor.
I cried to a ----ing robot yesterday, Whiter.
[uplifting music]
Whitney, are you down here.
[Whitney] In the dining room, with all of your chinoiserie.
Oh, you did the plus one already?
I did the plus one.
So you put me in the midst of it over there.
-Well. -And you know me, I never pry.
No. God forbid.
I didn't think about it, but the dragon in Eastern lore,
represents love and friendship.
And so maybe tonight, everybody will resolve their issues.
And it'll be harmonious and civilized.
-So, we shall see. -Yeah.
[indistinct]
[phone ringing]
Hello.
Watching my cats.
Okay, kitties.
They are playing with my jacket now.
You see?
Martini.
I'm like, basically dressed.
To something-- Going to Patricia's.
I'm doing my like, pre-dinner dinner.
Dinner, since I feel like I never get to actually eat.
Because someone always yells at me, and then I lose my appetite.
Yeah.
Happy people don't tear people down.
You're not happy.
And here you are, tearing people down.
I hope you find happiness one day.
I hope you do too, Craig.
I really do.
I don't know.
Normally, I love the guys' dinner.
But now I just have to deal with this like,
halfway fake ----ing friend, Craig.
Who I don't even know how to ----ing deal with right now.
And I don't want to deal with.
Yeah.
Wouldn't that be great if I called you later and was like,
I had a lot of fun and I drank some good wine
and laughed with my friends.
Coming up...
You triggered the f--- out of me,
and then I ----ing hit you back.
I can't keep on redoing this.
We're done, dude.
I'll sit in the little chair that you always complain about.
It's not a manly man chair.
Not as furniture as it is.
But that's comfortable.
Functional.
[knocking on door]
Is Randy going to answer the door?
- I got it. - Randy, thank you.
SHEP: Hey, Randolph.
I didn't get to open the door for you.
Yeah, you know, I've been here enough times.
It's good to see you.
What can I get you tonight, Shep?
-I'll have a glass of champagne. -Coming up.
That's Shepherd!
How's it going?
PATRICIA: Don't you look handsome.
- SHEP: Oh, really? - Oh, yeah.
You know, all I knew was white jacket.
Did I follow orders?
To the nth degree.
The jacket's great.
The shirt is terrible, but I love you.
- [all chuckling] - It's summer, baby.
God, I love it. You already got a ----ing juicy stain.
That is rain, Michael.
Come on, have a seat.
Yeah, life is good.
Thanks for having me.
There you go.
Thank you, buddy.
Oh, come in. How are you doing?
- Randy. - Nice meeting you, Whit.
Whit, come on in.
- Hey, Whitner. - Hey!
- Wow. - Look at you.
- I'm Patricia. - Patricia. Lovely to meet you.
I'm so happy to meet you.
I've heard a lot of things about you.
- Most of them are lies. - [chuckling]
But they were interesting lies.
- You look sharp. - All of you.
What would you like to drink?
A vodka soda.
I'll go tend to that.
Where would you like me bossing the house?
- Come on over here. - Yes, sir.
I've been here only once before with Whitney a couple back.
But you all have known each other for a while.
- Yes, ma'am. - Do you prefer Whitner or Whit?
You can call me whatever you like.
- [chuckling] - Thank you.
Thank you for having me over.
Oh, our pleasure.
- How's it going? - Everything is great.
Sure, we're good to go for 8:15?
8:15 is great.
- BEN: All righty. - MICHAEL: Thank you.
How are you?
Very good. How about yourself?
- Nice to see you. - Something to drink?
Oh, I'd love a beer, please.
Hey, look who it is.
PATRICIA: Hi, darling.
I'm so glad to see you.
You too. Thank you for having me.
And look at Craig.
He brought a hostess gift.
- [indistinct] - How lovely.
Damn it.
Son of a bitch.
Thank you, darling.
- Of course. - A good move.
I'm going to drop this real quick.
Okay, thank you for that.
- Classy move. - Bro.
- How you doing, man? - Good.
- Looking sharp, as always. - Thank you. You too.
Someone's making an effort.
----ing Shep looks like he took
his ----ing shirt out of the dryer and threw it on.
- Hey. - Hey, guys.
- Hey, big guy. - What's up, buddy?
- How are you? - Good to see you.
- You too. - What's up, man?
Good to see you, man.
- See my forehead? - Yeah.
I was moving and some metal clasp
fell out of this top shelf and hit me between the eyes.
If you need a place to stay, you can always come here.
I know. I might when I come back from Cuba.
That's what I said.
- I'm leaving for Cuba tomorrow. - I mean, for a night.
[knocking on door]
Hey, how are we doing?
STEPHEN: I'm very well. How are you?
Very good.
Oh, Stephen.
How are you doing?
Yeah, I'll talk to you guys in a second.
- Yes. - So happy to meet you.
I've heard so many wonderful things about you.
And I have heard the same about you.
- You look fabulous. - Thank you so much.
This is for you.
- La Grande Dame. - Ooh, La Grande Dame.
Oh, La Grande Dame. How nice. Thank you.
What an upstage.
Dr. Stephen's background is fascinating.
And I'm probably going to get it a little wrong,
but his father was a British man who went to Nigeria
to be the physician for the ruling party of the time.
And he ended up marrying and having children with
the daughter of one of the ruling class people down there.
And then they had Stephen and they moved to London.
And now Stephen's a doctor as well, like his dad.
It's just really cool.
What can we get you?
A glass of champagne would be great.
Glass of champagne. You got it.
Please. Thank you very much.
Oh, I got a plush seat as well.
Be careful. It's an antique.
Yeah, everything in this house is an antique.
Stephen, to indoctrinate you with guys dinners,
usually something disastrous happens.
There's been chairs being broken,
red wine spilled on the white sofa.
[laughing]
Oh, my God.
Craig, that chair is about to collapse.
Oh, the leg just fell off.
Craig!
Oh, Craig.
- Oh, my God. - Disaster.
Oh, my God.
Whitney, don't lean back.
- Oh. - Oh, no, Whitney.
PATRICIA: Oh, Jesus.
- Sh--. - Sh--. - Be careful.
And what I'm hoping for is that
having all you elegant gentlemen,
it'll all be civilized.
Speaking of, where's Austen?
So, everything's okay with him?
Well...
I just want to know what I'm in for tonight.
Austen called me, and Austen and I are in a good place currently.
My relationship with Austen depends on
his current issues with himself.
Everything is everyone else's fault in Austen's life.
For him to skip my pool party was so insane.
- Oh, wow! - [wolf whistling]
Oh, there he is.
PATRICIA: Coming up...
Are we going to have wedding bells anytime soon?
There's no rush on that front.
I've heard many no's in my life,
but that was a really extended nice one.
♪♪♪
- Oh, wow! - [wolf whistling]
Hey.
Oh, there he is.
Last entrance, of course.
- Hello, hello. - Don't you look handsome.
Thank you.
Brought you a bottle of wine, of course.
How nice. Thank you.
Good to see you.
- How are you? - What's up? How are you?
All right. Good to see you, man.
[indistinct]
AUSTEN: Good to see you.
RANDY: What can I get you to drink?
- A glass of champagne. - Champagne.
Everyone looks-- I feel like James Bond.
- Everyone looks so nice. - Coming right up.
SHEP: Dumplings.
Got some pork and ginger dumplings
with a little bit of peach hoisin.
- Cool. - That looks great.
This is just like the peach hoisin that I make.
[indistinct]
PATRICIA: Okay, you all help yourself.
Miss Pat, these are so good.
This is delicious.
This guy is the best chef I've ever met.
Please don't drip hoisin into my drink.
That's the best place that
he could drip hoisin sauce right now.
- That is fair. - Craig!
- Who's that? - Patricia.
Oh, on the other side. The chef is ready when you are.
Oh, okay. Great. All right, guys.
Dinner is served.
Let's go.
Shall we?
[whistling]
Where would you like me? Oh, there's names.
I'm usually here, and here I am again.
I'm normally over here.
I guess you all can think what the theme is tonight.
Why the Asian theme for the dinner tonight?
Because my china had a dragon on it,
and the dragon represents friendship and love.
At this point, I think an exorcism
between Craig and Austen needs to take place
with a priest and spinning heads and barfing.
[chuckling]
Oh, can I show you something?
PATRICIA: Mm-hmm.
Aww...
Oh, they're so cute.
I love kitties.
Piper and Martini.
- I love cats. - I do, too.
I do, too.
So, sorry for my interruption.
So, we're starting off with scallion pancakes.
It's got a little dipping sauce, rice wine vinegar,
a little sweet and sour, and sesame seeds.
- Is this your specialty? - Not at all.
No, your departure.
Okay. I've gone, like, the Southeast Asian route
a little bit, but, yeah,
this is throwing me for a little bit of a loop.
- Good. - Yeah.
That's how you grow.
Yeah. I hope you enjoy it.
PATRICIA: Thank you.
Wow, that's good.
It is very good.
So, Austen, are we gonna have wedding bells anytime soon?
- [chuckling] - [music dies]
No.
- PATRICIA: No? - No.
No. Uh...
I can just confidently say that there's no rush on that front.
I've heard many no's in my life,
but that was a really extended nice one.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm trying to be honest here.
What is it with you guys?
May I interrupt just to tell you what we have here?
We've got some rather large prime filets there.
AUSTEN: Damn, that looks good.
Some broccoli, some crispy white rice,
and a little bit of, like, a black soy demi-glace.
So this is, like, Chinese beef and broccoli.
There we go.
Want me to get you a steak knife, sir?
Well, you shouldn't.
If you need that steak knife, I didn't do my job.
Well, then there we go. Then that answers that question.
This is so good.
This is delicious.
PATRICIA: I've never had rice like this before.
It's so good.
- Whitner. - WHITNER: Yes, ma'am.
Do you find any of the girls in this group attractive?
The one I find the most attractive
would probably be Charley.
But I got a polite, but slightly awkward no.
Would you be interested in getting a drink next week?
Maybe, like, a small group situation.
Ow.
At least you took a swing, huh? I mean...
Well, speaking of that, Craig, I had a long chat with Madison.
- Oh, did you? - And she was saying that
you have been Mr. Hot Tub with girls every night.
- Mr. Hot Tub. - Is that true?
- Yeah. - A little love triangle
- is happening. - Oh, my God.
Craig flirts with Salley, and I think Salley likes him.
Mm-hmm.
But Craig is more into Charley.
Interesting.
CRAIG: Um, it's been fun.
What do you do when it gets really hot and steamy here
with a hot tub?
Jump in the pool.
- Jump in the pool. - Yeah.
It's actually, like, a fun little circuit.
I mean, some people would make fun of it
because no one has kissed yet.
Mm.
That's the most PG hot tub party ever.
Out of everyone, Craig, you strike me as the person
most likely to be in a serious relationship right now.
Going somewhere.
Did I just [bleep] up? I'm sorry!
No, no, no, I was. I was.
I was in a three-year relationship.
Had bought a ring.
Well, let's get engaged and get married two years later.
Yeah.
She left, so...
Happens.
But I wish we could go back.
Like, I can't lie to you
I was in a three-year relationship.
Had bought a ring, thought we were gonna get married,
and she left, so...
Happens.
But, like, I can't lie to you
and not say that I wouldn't take her back.
I'm very surprised that he said he'd get back with her.
It takes a while for your heart to catch up to your brain.
[bleep] her.
I know it sucks that all of that happened, but,
like, I now see that, like,
I'm gonna find a girl that wants to...
do something-- Like, it'll be better.
Because, like, I was good at being single
at one point in my life.
PATRICIA: You were very good at being single.
- Um... - All right.
What do we have here, chef?
A sweet rice cake with a little bit of a caramelized mango
with some sesame candy from all over the top.
- Bravo. - PATRICIA: Beautiful.
- Thanks, chef. - Thank you.
Mm.
- These are incredible. - PATRICIA: Isn't it good?
I think best one yet.
Whitney. Patricia.
Thank you very much.
As always, another successful guys' dinner.
We can all raise a toast to that, right?
- To the hostess. - You know what?
It was fun.
It was fun this year.
Cheers.
Oh, wait. Don't make me get up.
All right. That's enough.
- Everybody sit down. - Ooh.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
We got cheers right here.
He broke another chair.
Luckily, I'm one of them here. I can afford it.
He's one of us. One of us!
Hey, broke a chair!
PATRICIA: Is it actually broken?
AUSTEN: I don't know, but it seems flimsy and I'll--
Okay.
I can't. I just can't.
It's just, ugh.
So...
Craig.
Maybe you and I go talk.
Yes?
CRAIG: Yeah.
Yeah, it's a good idea.
AUSTEN: Right.
PATRICIA: So, it's past my bedtime,
so I'm going to leave you to it.
Thank you, guys.
WHITNER: Patricia, thank you so much
for having me over tonight.
Whitner, you have to come back more often.
I certainly will.
- Good night, Ms. Pat. - PATRICIA: Good night.
AUSTEN: Well, thank you. That was awesome.
Love seeing you again.
PATRICIA: It's been too long.
We have to do it more often.
- Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. - Yeah.
What's up?
AUSTEN: I mean, look.
I can't lie and say that, you know,
I mean, sitting inside tonight and laughing
and stuff, like, is not really nice.
- CRAIG: Yeah. - You know?
And that obviously hasn't been my sentiment
for, you know, the past week.
It's gone from, like, obviously anger at Whit's house.
Craig Conover special.
Everyone's mad but me.
I hope you find happiness one day.
I hope you do too, Craig, you dick.
I felt so utterly betrayed that I was like,
"What am I even doing?"
- And it hurts. - Yeah, of course.
That was a singular out of anger action.
Like, you triggered the [bleep] out of me
and then I ----ing hit you back.
But, like, I don't know when you're going to laugh
and when you're going to do that.
I don't know when you're going to go nuclear.
But you've hurt me before, too, like...
- Craig. - It doesn't make it right.
- I just. - Dude, I don't want to feel
like I'm playing chess with my friends.
There's no game of chess.
I don't want there to be one.
But there's not.
And I do want to apologize, if you're open to it.
I was pissed at you and hurt that you ----ing chirped me.
CRAIG: Salley's never happy with her shot.
CRAIG: Because, you know,
I like feeling safe around people.
And when you said that, it just triggered all my lifelong sh--
of having friends turn their backs on me.
And I'm working on it.
I went right back to my ----ing therapist.
But I'm just bummed that you missed the party.
I'm just bummed that, like, it had such a fallout.
I don't know what the path forward is,
but I would feel fine.
And I know it's not up to me.
Just giving each other grace on this.
Because mine wasn't malicious.
- I want you to be-- - It seems malicious, Craig.
That's a decision that you're going to have to make.
I mean, I can't convince you of that.
We either accept each other for who we are and move forward
or I'll continue to give you space.
I miss hanging out with you.
Alright.
I've heard you.
And you've heard me.
I cannot help but ----ing care about you, Craig.
I can't. I can't help it.
But if you snap on me, dude, we're done.
I can't.
And I don't want to keep on redoing this.
Yeah.
I have no idea what's next for me and Craig.
At this point in time, it's a ceasefire.
When you set your expectations low, you can't be disappointed.
And so that's where I am with Craig.
So, I hope we can be friends.
MADISON: Next time on "Southern Charm."
I've been kind of catching some feelings.
I'm saying I'm liking you.
Have you ever been to Low Country Oysters?
- Yeah. - We just ride around on a boat
- all day eating oysters. - But like, really?
- Do you want to go do that? - Yeah.
Yeah.
All of a sudden Craig's like having fun and living his life
and everyone now has a problem with it?
No, Craig.
Charley's about to go on a date with me.
What?