This is Zero One Alpha. We have secured Falcon. 2
I say again, we have secured Falcon. 3
By the time I count to ten... 4
...you will have told me exactly what I need to know. 5
If not... 6
...the number ten will be the last thing you will ever hear. 7
One 8
Two..., Three 9
Four 10
Five 11
Six 12
Seven 13
Grenade! Sir, get back! 15
Shit. 16
Fucking missed it. 17
How did I fucking miss it? 18
Merlin, I apologise for putting you in this position. 19
You trained him well. 20
James... 21
training is over. 22
Welcome to Kingsman. 23
Lancelot. 24
Sir. 25
I'll deal with this mess personally. 26
I very much regret that your husband's bravery can't be publicly celebrated. 27
I hope you understand. 28
How can I understand? 29
You won't tell me anything. 30
I didn't even know he wasn't with his squad. 31
I'm so sorry, I can't say more. 32
But I would like to present you with this Medal of Valour... 33
and if you look closely on the back, there's a number. 34
And as a more concrete gesture of our gratitude... 35
we'd like to offer you... 36
Let's call it a favour. 37
The nature of it is your choice. 38
Just tell the operator... 39
oxfords not brogues, and then I'll know it's you. 40
I don't want your help! 41
I want my husband back! 42
What's your name, young man? 43
Eggsy. 44
Hello, Eggsy. 45
Can I see that? 46
You take care of this, Eggsy. 47
All right? 48
And take care of your mum, too. 49
So sorry, Professor Arnold. Just a tiny bit more. 50
For God's sakes, just rip it off. 51
I'm under very strict instructions not to hurt you. 52
Look, you've made a mistake. 53
I'm a university lecturer. I've got no money. 54
This isn't about money. 55
Our boss just wants to talk to you. 56
Am I meant to find that reassuring? 57
He'll be here soon. He'll explain. 58
Do you like whiskey? 59
Red, get the '62 Dalmore. 60
Honestly, this whiskey, it's amazing. 61
You will shit. 62
I suppose asking to borrow a cup of sugar is a step too far? 63
Professor Arnold, I'm here to take you home. 64
1962 Dalmore. 65
It'd be a sin to spill any. 66
Don't you think? 67
Can you hold these? Please? 68
Thank you. 69
Everything is clean. 70
My kind of welcome. 71
No stomach for violence. 72
I mean, literally, I see one drop of blood... 73
that is me done. 74
I'm like... 75
projectile. 76
Listen, I'm so sorry... 77
you had to witness all this unpleasantness due to our uninvited guest. 78
But I promise you, by the time I've found out who he works for... 79
you and I will be the best of friends. 80
To the shop, please. 81
Arthur's in the dining room, sir. 82
Arthur. 83
Galahad. 84
The others were beginning to wonder if we were going to have a double toast. 85
Gentlemen, I'm thankful to say it's been 17 years... 86
since we last had occasion to use this decanter. 87
Lancelot was an outstanding agent, and a true Kingsman. 88
He will be sorely missed. 89
To Lancelot. 90
To Lancelot. 91
I intend to start the selection process for Lancelot's replacement tomorrow. 92
I want each of you to propose a candidate... 93
and have them report to UK HQ... 94
no later than 9 p.m. GMT. 95
Thank you. 96
Merlin. 97
Come in. 98
Lancelot was investigating a group of mercenaries... 99
who were experimenting with biological weaponry. 100
Glasses, gentlemen, please. 101
Uganda, 2012. 102
Synthetic cathinones. 103
They put it in the water supply of a guerrilla army base. 104
Rage, cannibalism, multiple fatalities. 105
Chechnya, 2013. 106
Insurgents turned on one another. 107
Indisputably, the work of our mercenaries, but no trace of any chemicals of any kind. 108
So what happened to Lancelot? 109
He tracked them to this property in Argentina. 110
While he had them under surveillance... 111
he became aware they'd effected a kidnapping. 112
So he executed a solo rescue mission, which failed. 113
This is his last transmission. 114
- Who is he? - Some climate change doomsayer. 115
Expounds something called Gaia theory... 116
about the world healing itself, or some such. 117
But what's curious, is he's not actually missing. 118
This is Professor Arnold... 119
at Imperial College this morning. 120
It's all yours. 121
And don't forget your membership proposal. 122
Try picking a more suitable candidate this time. 123
17 years and still... 124
evolving with the times remains an entirely foreign concept to you. 125
Need I remind you, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for that young man? 126
He was as much Kingsman material as any of them. 127
More so. 128
But he wasn't exactly one of us, was he? 129
Let's face it, Galahad, your little experiment failed. 130
With respect, Arthur, you're a snob. 131
With respect? 132
The world is changing. 133
There's a reason why aristocrats developed weak chins. 134
Eggsy? 135
Eggsy, come here. 136
- Got any Rizla, babe? - No. 137
Why don't you do your mum a favour, go down to the shop and get some? 138
- Get them yourself. - Oi. 139
What have I said to you about speaking to Dean like that? 140
Three's a crowd, innit? Why don't Dean's poodle go? 141
I'll tell you what. 142
Why don't you take this, go and get some Rizlas... 143
get yourself some sweets? And while you're gone... 144
we'll show your mother how three can be good company. 145
Thanks, babe. 146
There we go. 147
Is that better? 148
If Dean treats your mum so bad, why doesn't she leave him? 149
Low self-esteem. That's her problem. 150
Fuck off. Why would she have low self-esteem? 151
Eggsy's mum is well fit. 152
- No offence, bruv. - It's all right. 153
One of these days, I'm gonna smash his face in. 154
Are you mental, cuz? 155
He'd just get that lot to do you, and then pretend he knew nothing... 156
...about it. 157
You think you can chat shit about us and we won't do nothing... 158
just because our guvnor's banging Eggsy's mum? 159
Pretty much, yeah. 160
Bruv, just leave it. Let's just go, man. 161
It's not worth it. 162
You boys have outstayed your welcome. 163
Leave. 164
What? 165
I'm sorry about that, bruv. 166
Yeah. 167
Mug- 168
They weren't fucking worth it, boys. 169
It's freezing. Why are we walking? 170
You jacked his fucking car keys, bruv? 171
Yeah. Now, we're gonna nick his car. 172
Shit! 173
Hold on, boys. 174
Hey, that's my fucking car! 175
Hey! Hey! Eggsy! 176
I swear, you want to fucking stop it! 177
You're a fucking dead man! Stop it! 178
I'm gonna fucking have ya! 179
Floor it, Eggsy! 180
Floor it! 181
Wanker! 182
Yeah, Dean. Look, it's me. 183
Eggsy just stole my fucking car. 184
I've come out the pub, he's done 15 donuts in my fucking face... 185
and he's drove off. 186
No, I can't have it! He's disrespecting me. 187
And that means, he's disrespecting you. 188
Hold up! What the...? 189
Dickhead. 190
Foxes are vermin, cuz. 191
Should've driven it over. 192
Should've done a lot of things. 193
I'll sort this. Get out of the car. 194
I said, get out of the fucking car! 195
Eggsy, there is no such thing as honour amongst thieves. 196
Now, you can start giving me some names of the boys you were with... 197
or you go down. 198
It's up to you. 199
I want to exercise my right to a phone call. 200
Well, I hope it's to your mum... 201
to tell her you're gonna be 18 months late for your dinner. 202
Customer Complaints, how may I help you? 203
My name's Eggsy Unwin. 204
Sorry, Gary Unwin. And I'm up shit creek. 205
I'm in Holborn police station... 206
and my mum said to call this number if ever I needed help. 207
I'm sorry, sir. Wrong number. 208
Wait! Wait! 209
Oxfords not brogues. 210
Your complaint has been duly noted... 211
and we hope that we have not lost you as a loyal customer. 212
Yeah. 213
You what? 214
I... 215
Yeah. 216
Yes, I totally understand. 217
Eggsy. 218
Would you like a lift home? 219
Who are you? 220
The man who got you released. 221
That ain't an answer. 222
A little gratitude would be nice. 223
My name is Harry Hart, and I gave you that medal. 224
Your father saved my life. 225
So before you was a tailor, was you in the army? 226
Like an officer. 227
Not quite. 228
So where was you posted, Iraq or something? 229
Sorry, Eggsy. Classified. 230
But my dad saved your life, yeah? 231
The day your father died, I missed something. 232
And if it weren't for his courage... 233
my mistake would have cost the lives of every man present. 234
So I owe him. 235
Your father was a brave man. 236
A good man. 237
And having read your files... 238
I think he'd be bitterly disappointed in the choices you've made. 239
You can't talk to me like that. 240
Huge I.Q. 241
Great performance at primary school. 242
And it all went tits up. 243
Drugs, petty crime. Never had a job. 244
You think there's a lot of jobs going around here, do you? 245
Doesn't explain why you gave up your hobbies. 246
First prize, regional Under-10s gymnastics... 247
two years in a row. 248
Your coach had you pegged as Olympic team material. 249
Yeah, well, when you grow up around someone like my stepdad... 250
you pick up new hobbies pretty quick. 251
Of course. Always someone else's fault. 252
Who's to blame for you quitting the Marines? 253
You were halfway through training, doing brilliantly, but you gave up. 254
Because my mum went mental. 255
Banging on about losing me as well as my dad. 256
Didn't want me being cannon fodder for snobs like you. 257
Judging people like me from your ivory towers... 258
with no thought about why we do what we do. 259
We ain't got much choice. You get me? 260
And if we was born with the same silver spoon up our arses... 261
we'd do just as well as you. If not, better. 262
What the fuck you doing here? You taking the piss? 263
Some more examples of young men... 264
who simply need a silver suppository? 265
No, they're exceptions. Come on. 266
Nonsense. We haven't finished our drinks. 267
After you nicked his car... 268
Dean says you're fair game. 269
He don't give a shit what your mum says. 270
Listen, boys... 271
I've had a rather emotional day... 272
so whatever your beef with Eggsy is, and I'm sure it's well-founded... 273
I'd appreciate it enormously... 274
if you could just leave us in peace... 275
until I finish this lovely pint of Guinness. 276
You should get out of the way, Granddad, or you'll get hurt and all. 277
He ain't joking. You should go. 278
Excuse me. 279
If you're looking for another rent boy, they're on the corner of Smith street. 280
Manners... 281
maketh... 282
man. 283
Do you know what that means? 284
Then let me teach you a lesson. 285
Are we going to stand around here all day, or are we going to fight? 286
You fucking dirty, fucking dirty... 287
Sorry about that. 288
Needed to let off a little steam. 289
I heard yesterday a friend of mine died. 290
He knew your father too, actually. 291
Now, I do apologise, Eggsy. 292
I shouldn't have done this in front of you. 293
No, please! I won't say nothing, I swear! 294
If there's one thing I can do, it's keep my mouth shut. 295
- You won't tell a soul? - Ask the feds. 296
I've never grassed anyone up. 297
- Is that a promise? - On my life! 298
Much appreciated, Eggsy. 299
You're right about the snobs. 300
But there, too, there are exceptions. 301
Best of luck with everything. 302
In celebrity news, the Richmond Valentine movie premiered in Hollywood last night. 303
The story of the internet billionaire 's rise to power... 304
is expected to be this award season's hot ticket. 305
One notable absence from the red carpet was Iggy Azalea... 306
still missing three days after she failed to appear at her Oakland concert. 307
No ransom has been demanded. 308
Eggsy, just go, please, because he's gonna... 309
No, please, don't hurt him! 310
Fuck off! Get the fuck away with ya! 311
Shut the fuck up! 312
Who was with you in that fucking pub? 313
I want to know the name of the geezer you was with. 314
- I wasn't with no one! - Who was it? 315
- I don't know what you're on about. - Who was it? 316
I don't know who you're fucking on about! 317
Fucking tell me his name! 318
I don't know who you're fucking on about! 319
You listen to me! 320
I want to know who you was with in that pub. Do you understand? 321
I want to know his fucking name! 322
Because, I swear, I'll rip your head off. 323
- Tell me! - don't know what you're fucking on about! 324
Just tell him, Eggsy! 325
Fuck off! Fuck off, Michelle! 326
I could kill you right now... 327
and no one in the whole world will notice! 328
But I would. 329
I have enough evidence on your activities... 330
to have you locked up for the rest of your life... 331
- Mr. Dean Anthony Baker. - What the fuck? 332
So I suggest you leave the boy alone... 333
or I shall be forced to deliver it to the appropriate authorities. 334
Eggsy, meet me at the tailor I told you about. 335
What the fuck's going on here? 336
Eggsy, you fucking maggot! 337
Hey, we got a racer! 338
Come here. Hey! 339
Eggsy, you fucking... 340
Come here, son! 341
You wanker! 342
I'll have you, son! 343
I've never met a tailor before. 344
But I know you ain't one. 345
Come with me. 346
Come on in. 347
What do you see? 348
Someone who wants to know what the fuck is going on. 349
I see a young man with potential. 350
A young man who is loyal. 351
Who can do as he's asked. 352
And who wants to do something good with his life. 353
Did you see the film Trading Places? 354
No. 355
How about Nikita? 356
Pretty Woman? 357
All right. 358
My point is, that the lack of a silver spoon has set you on a certain path... 359
but you needn't stay on it. 360
If you're prepared to adapt and learn, you can transform. 361
Like in My Fair Lady. 362
Well, you're full of surprises. 363
Yes, like My Fair Lady. 364
Only, in this case, I'm offering you the opportunity to become a Kingsman. 365
A tailor? 366
A Kingsman agent. 367
Like a spy? 368
Of sorts. 369
Interested? 370
You think I've got anything to lose? 371
Since 1849... 372
Kingsman tailors have clothed the world's most powerful individuals. 373
By 1919, a great number of them had lost their heirs to World War One. 374
That meant a lot of money going uninherited. 375
And a lot of powerful men with a desire to preserve peace and protect life. 376
Our founders realised that they could channel that wealth and influence... 377
for the greater good. 378
And so began our other venture. 379
An independent, international intelligence agency... 380
operating at the highest level of discretion. 381
Above the politics and bureaucracy... 382
that undermine the integrity of government-run spy organisations. 383
The suit is a modern gentleman's armour. 384
And the Kingsman agents are the new knights. 385
How deep does this fucking thing go? 386
Deep enough. 387
Shit, we're late. 388
Your father had the same look on his face. 389
As did I. 390
Come on. 391
Galahad. 392
My code name. 393
Late again, sir. 394
Good luck. 395
In you go. 396
Fall in. 397
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Merlin. 398
You are about to embark... 399
on what is probably the most dangerous job interview in the world. 400
One of you, and only one of you, will become the next Lancelot. 401
Can anybody tell me what this is? 402
- Yes? - Body bag, sir. 403
Correct. Charlie, isn't it? 404
Yes, sir. 405
Good. 406
In a moment, you will each collect a body bag. 407
You will write your name on that bag. 408
You will write the details of your next of kin on that bag. 409
This represents your acknowledgment of the risks that you are about to face... 410
as well as your agreement to strict confidentiality. 411
Which, incidentally, if you break, will result in you... 412
and your next of kin... 413
being in that bag. 414
Is that understood? 415
Excellent. 416
Fall out. 417
Roxanne. But call me Roxy. 418
- I'm Eggsy. - Eggy? 419
No. Eggsy. 420
Eggy? 421
Where did they dig you up? 422
You know we're not allowed to discuss who proposed us. 423
No need to bite his head off. 424
Charlie's only making conversation, right, Charlie? 425
I'm Digby. 426
Digby. 427
Eggy, this is Rufus. 428
Rufus, Eggy. 429
So, Eggy, are you Oxford or Cambridge? 430
Neither. 431
- Saint Andrews? - Durham? 432
No, wait, I think we may have met. 433
Did you serve me at the McDonald's in Winchester service station? 434
No. 435
It's definitely Saint Andrews. 436
Just ignore them. 437
You need a pen? 438
Cheers. 439
Amelia, isn't it? 440
Amelia, Eggsy. 441
Hi, Eggsy- 442
Don't take any notice of those guys. 443
That's what I told him. 444
It's just scare tactics. 445
Classic army technique. 446
No one's gonna die. 447
Shame. 448
Great. You don't know, the CIA don't know. 449
Nobody knows who this guy is? 450
Fine. 451
Seriously, it's fine. 452
Well, it's not really fine, but it's not why I'm here. 453
Hell, man, you know me. Money's not my issue. 454
I could've retired straight out of MIT... 455
fucked off to some island, let the business run itself. 456
Nobody told me to try and save the planet. 457
I wanted to. 458
Climate change research, lobbying, years of study, billions of dollars... 459
and you know why I quit? 460
Because the last time I checked, the planet was still fucked. 461
Hence, my epiphany- 462
Money won't solve this. 463
Those idiots who call themselves politicians... 464
have buried their heads in the sand and stood for nothing but re-election. 465
So I spent the last two years trying to find a real solution. 466
And I found it. 467
Now, if you really want to make the world a better place... 468
I suggest you open your fucking ears, because I'm about to tell it to you. 469
Go on, Mr. Valentine. 470
I'm still listening. 471
As long as you agree to all my terms. 472
All right, no one panic. Listen to me. 473
Stay calm. 474
Fuck. 475
Loo snorkels, loo snorkels! 476
Loo snorkels? 477
Showerheads! 478
Showerheads? 479
She's right. Fucking go! 480
Hey, hang about, what's wrong with the fucking door? 481
Congratulations on completing your first task. 482
Charlie, Roxy, well done. 483
For those of you who are still confused... 484
if you can get a breathing tube around a U-bend of a toilet... 485
you have an unlimited air supply. 486
Simple physics, worth remembering. 487
Eggsy, well done for spotting that was a two-way mirror. 488
He's probably seen enough of them. 489
Yeah, you can all wipe those smirks off your faces. 490
Because as far as I'm concerned, every single one of you has failed. 491
You all forgot the most important thing... 492
teamwork. 493
So much for classic army technique. 494
35. 495
105. 496
That's it. That's it. 497
Hello. 498
Can I help you? 499
Yes. I have a question about anthropogenic force. 500
Really? It's actually quite fascinating. 501
My colleague died trying to rescue you... 502
and I'm sure you saw how well trained he was... 503
so I suggest you tell me who kidnapped you and why they let you go. 504
I have no idea what you're talking... 505
I'm not supposed to say it, but it was... 506
For God's sake, I've barely touched you. 507
Man up! 508
Fuck that guy, whoever he is. I'm gonna... 509
He made me kill Professor Arnold. 510
I goddamn loved Professor Arnold. 511
Well, the good news is... 512
we know the emergency and surveillance system work. 513
You know what's not good news? 514
My colleague died! 515
That's what he said! 516
This is an organisation, and they're all over us. 517
- Whoever you spoke to... - I told you... 518
I made contact with the KGB, MI6, Mossad and Beijing. 519
They all insist he wasn't one of theirs. 520
Beijing- 521
So freaky how there's no recognisable name for the Chinese secret service. 522
Now, that's what you call a secret, right? 523
You know what? Fuck it. 524
We need to speed things up. 525
Bring the product release forward. 526
We're only halfway into production... 527
and speeding it will cost a fortune. 528
Do I look like I give a fuck? 529
Just get it done. 530
As some of you will have learned last night... 531
teamwork is paramount here at Kingsman. 532
We're here to enhance your skills, test you to the limit. 533
Which is why you're gonna pick a puppy. 534
Wherever you go, your dog goes. 535
You will care for it. You will teach it. 536
And by the time it's fully trained, so will you be. 537
Those of you who are still here, that is. 538
Do you understand? 539
Choose your puppy. 540
A Doodle? 541
What? 542
They're gun dogs. 543
Oldest working breed. 544
Easy to train. 545
A pug? 546
It's a bulldog, innit? 547
It'll get bigger, though, won't it? 548
Shit. 549
His MRI shows no signs of concussion. 550
No direct brain trauma at all. 551
How much longer can he be out? 552
That's the million-dollar question. 553
We don't know what he was exposed to in there. 554
What about Harry's footage? 555
It didn't stream to his home terminal. 556
Encrypted and uncrackable. 557
If and when he comes around... 558
you might want to have a word with him about sharing his password. 559
Is he gonna be all right? 560
We need to have patience, Eggsy. 561
But there's hope, okay? 562
If I were you, I'd concentrate on your training. 563
Make it through the tests. Make him proud. 564
Come on, come on, come on! 565
J.B., come on! Come on! 566
I'm not coming last because of you. 567
J.B., I'll shoot you! Goddamn you, I'll fucking shoot you! 568
Merlin said we're not allowed to hold you. 569
Bollocks. 570
Water! 571
- Come on, then! - Eggsy, forget it! 572
What's wrong, mate? You can't take a joke? 573
Seriously, you'll get thrown out, and it's just not worth it. 574
Maybe I don't give a fuck if I get kicked out! 575
Do it. Come on, you pleb. 576
Charlie, fuck off! 577
Yeah, go on, walk away. Dickhead. 578
Come on, J.B. 579
Come on, good boy. 580
You have exactly one hour to complete the test... 581
starting now. 582
New target, 800 metres. 583
You know, it's unbelievable. You're still here... 584
lingering like some big, steaming shit that just won't flush. 585
Roger that. Target identified. 586
And how about you shut the fuck up? 587
Positive discrimination... 588
that's what it is. 589
It's like those fucking state school kids who get into Oxford on C grades... 590
because their mum is a one-legged lesbian. 591
You don't know fuck all about my grades. 592
Forgive me, I'm sure you're highly educated. 593
Fire when ready. 594
How's that for positive discrimination? 595
I want to thank you both for listening... 596
and I really, really appreciate you travelling all this way... 597
Your Royal Highness. 598
And you, too, Prime Minister. 599
I think this is quite brilliant. 600
It's absolutely brilliant. 601
You are completely crazy. 602
And as for you, Prime Minister 603
I'm speechless you'd even consider this. 604
- Don't touch... - Sorry, Your Royal Highness. 605
But you've got a big role to play... 606
in getting the Scandinavian region back on track. 607
You're popular, inspirational... 608
and you have the power to galvanise the people. 609
Now, whether you're on board or not... 610
I'm going to have to insist... 611
on getting you somewhere I can ensure your safety. 612
How about you, Prime Minister? You in or out? 613
Well, I think it's about time... 614
that a politician did something that actually made a difference. 615
Too true. 616
What? 617
Take her away. 618
Drink? 619
Why not? 620
Guards! Help! 621
Don't worry. 622
No harm will come to the princess. 623
Well, I'm a republican anyways, so it really doesn't matter. 624
Release the princess! 625
Okay, you're done. 626
Not so bad, right? 627
Hardly felt a thing. 628
Welcome aboard. 629
Pleasure is all mine. 630
Ever heard of knocking? 631
Only when I'm casing a place to rob. 632
Merlin said you wanted to see me? 633
I hope J.B.'s training is going as well as yours is. 634
Sit. 635
Congratulations on making it to the final six candidates. 636
Your test results were even better than I could've hoped. 637
Come in. 638
Eggsy, I need to have a private conversation. 639
You're dismissed. 640
Nonsense. Let him observe. 641
Might learn a thing or two. 642
As you wish. Take a look at this. 643
For God's sake, I've barely touched you. 644
Man up! 645
Fucking hell! 646
That is rank, Harry. 647
You blew up his head? 648
It's a bit much, innit? 649
Actually, the explosion was caused by an implant in his neck. 650
Here, under the scar. 651
Did my hardware pick up the signal that triggered it? 652
Fortunately, yes. 653
Unfortunately, the IP address I traced it to... 654
is registered to the Valentine Corporation. 655
That's not much of a lead. He has millions of employees worldwide. 656
That Richmond Valentine is a genius. 657
Did you not see his announcement today? 658
No. 659
We each spend on average $2,000 a year... 660
on cell phone and internet usage. 661
It gives me great pleasure to announce... 662
those days are over. 663
As of tomorrow... 664
every man, woman and child can claim a free SIM card... 665
compatible with any cell phone, any computer... 666
and utilise my communications network for free. 667
Free calls... 668
free internet... 669
for everyone. 670
Forever. 671
Valentine's assistant has the same implant scar. 672
I think Mr. Valentine and I should have a téte-a-téte. 673
He's having a gala dinner next week. 674
I'll get you an invitation. You need to be careful, though. 675
Since you've been out, hundreds of VIPs have gone missing. 676
No ransom notes, exactly like Professor Arnold. 677
Then I suggest you make my alias somebody worth kidnapping. 678
Fuck, fuck, fuck! 679
What, don't like heights? 680
Yeah, it's okay. 681
I've done it before, which is probably why, come to think of it. 682
Hey, it's gonna be all right. 683
You're top of the class. 684
Listen up. 685
Your mission is to land in the target without the radar detecting you. 686
If I read you on the radar, or you miss the target, you go home. 687
Is that understood? 688
Drop zone coming up, 20 seconds. 689
We gotta go. 690
Eggsy, I really don't think I can do this. 691
Of course you can't. 692
Head to the back and I'll show you how, yeah? 693
Eggsy, wait! Hang on! 694
Roxy, just stop fucking about! 695
Follow me, yeah? 696
Come on! 697
Roxy, it's now or never. 698
Jump! 699
Good girl, Rox... 700
I'm glad you made it! 701
Yeah! 702
Come on! 703
My, my, you're all very cheerful. 704
Did you really think it was gonna be that straightforward? 705
Any idiot can read a heads-up display. 706
A Kingsman agent needs to be able to solve problems under pressure. 707
Like what to do when one of your group has no parachute. 708
- What, no parachute? - Shit! 709
Who? 710
Fuck! 711
Which one? 712
What do we do? 713
I told you. Aim for the target. 714
Come in under the radar. 715
And I hope not to be scraping one of you up. 716
But if I do have to, and you're inside the target... 717
please know I'll be very impressed. 718
- Fuck! - Oh, Shit! 719
Everybody listen, I've got a plan! 720
Pair off! Grab the closest person to them. 721
Rufus, come on! 722
Fuck! 723
Rufus! 724
Shit! I can't! 725
Fuck! 726
Thank God! 727
Rufus, you wanker! 728
Shit, we're an odd number now! 729
Quick, make a circle! 730
Fuck, he's right! Boys, let's do it. 731
We pull our cords one by one! 732
When we know who's fucked... 733
the person on their right grabs them. 734
Okay, Eggsy. 735
Good plan, Eggsy. 736
You have 30 seconds. Come on now, hurry. 737
Me first! 738
Fuck! 739
Yes! 740
Okay, me next. 741
See you on the ground, boys. 742
Now me. 743
Fuck! 744
Roxy... - 745
no matter what happens now, I've got you, all right? 746
Okay, Eggsy. 747
- Yours first, okay? - Yep. 748
Shit! 749
Shit! 750
Shit! 751
Rox! 752
Fuck. 753
Hugo, DEW- 754
You don't land in the K, you're not in the K. 755
Rufus, you opened too soon. 756
You were all over the radar. 757
All three of you, pack your bags, go home. 758
Eggsy, Roxy, congratulations. 759
You set a new record. 760
Opening at 300 feet... 761
that's pretty ballsy. 762
Well done for completing another task. Fall out. 763
Sorry, sir. 764
But why the fuck did you choose me as the gimp? 765
Am I the expendable candidate? 766
No, no, no. You don't talk to me like that. 767
You have a complaint, you come here and you whisper it in my ear. 768
You need to take that chip off your shoulder. 769
Mr. DeVere. It's a pleasure to meet you. 770
I'm awfully sorry. I seem to have my dates muddled up. 771
No, no, no. I cancelled the gala because of you. 772
Anybody willing to donate that much... 773
deserves their own dinner. Come in! 774
Thank you. 775
Got to admit, I was really intrigued to meet you. 776
There aren't many billionaires I don't know. 777
I don't doubt it. 778
And, obviously, I had my people look into your affairs... 779
and that's some pretty old money you're from. 780
How'd your folks make it? 781
Property, mostly. Property and the markets. 782
Nothing questionable, if that's your concern. 783
Look, I'm just into finding out what caliber person you are. 784
I'm sure you understand that. 785
I most certainly do. 786
- Hope you're hungry. - I'm famished. 787
Good. 788
Grab a seat. 789
I'll have the Big Mac, please. 790
Great choice. 791
But nothing beats two cheeseburgers with secret sauce. 792
Goes great with this '45 Lafite. 793
A classic pairing. 794
And may I suggest Twinkies and a 1937 Chateau d'Yquem for pudding? 795
I like it. 796
So, you want to donate to my foundation. 797
You are aware that I wound things down in that area, right? 798
Climate change is a threat, which affects us all, Mr. Valentine. 799
And you're one of the few powerful men who seems to share my concerns. 800
No, I shut things down, because I wasn't getting anywhere. 801
Every bit of research kept pointing to the same thing. 802
That carbon emissions are a red herring... 803
and that we're past the point of no return no matter what remedial actions we take? 804
You know your shit. 805
I sometimes envy the blissful ignorance of those less well versed in their... 806
Shit. 807
As Professor Arnold always said... 808
Humankind is the only virus cursed to live... 809
with the horrifying knowledge of its host's fragile mortality. 810
You know, not a lot of people knew about him. 811
You like spy movies, Mr. DeVere? 812
Nowadays, they're all a little serious for my taste. 813
But the old ones... 814
Marvellous. 815
Give me a far-fetched theatrical plot any day. 816
The old Bond movies. Oh, man! 817
When I was a kid, that was my dream job. 818
Gentleman spy. 819
I always felt the old Bond films were only as good as the villain. 820
As a child, I rather fancied a future as a colourful megalomaniac. 821
What a shame we both had to grow up. 822
Bon appétit. 823
Just give me a couple of days to think over your proposal. 824
I'll have my people get in touch with yours... 825
and it's all good. 826
And thank you for such a happy meal. 827
Well, want me to follow him? 828
Nah. 829
I put a nano tracker gel in the wine. 830
We'll know his every move for the next 24 hours. 831
Finally find out who he works for. 832
Valentine didn't let me out of his sight. 833
All I got was this on the way in. 834
South Glade Mission Church is a hate group based in Kentucky. 835
FBI have been monitoring them for years. 836
But you think Valentine is a supporter? 837
No evidence yet of a direct connection, but I'll keep looking. 838
By the way... 839
our ever-growing list of missing persons now includes Scandinavian royalty. 840
Royal Crown Princess Tilde. 841
Just let me out, you psycho! 842
I told you, you're free to go any time you want. 843
As long as you agree to my conditions. 844
I don't agree... 845
and I am never ever going to agree! 846
Tough shit. 847
Bitch. 848
I want to speak to the British Council! 849
The list of missing celebrities and dignitaries has continued to grow in recent weeks... 850
and world leaders are coming under increasing pressure to provide answers. 851
We are doing everything in our power to find Princess Tilde. 852
You know, governments and security forces worldwide... 853
are working together to find the person behind these abductions. 854
In other news, people all over the world... 855
Continue to wait in line day and night to get their free SIM cards. 856
Mrs. P, did you get one? 857
Yeah, I've been queuing up all day. 858
This unprecedented giveaway by the philanthropist Richmond Valentine... 859
has already seen over a billion cards distributed. 860
At ease. 861
So you thought we were done for the day, huh? 862
Well, we're not. 863
- A party? - Tonight, in London. 864
- Who's this? - Your target. 865
Your mission is to use your NLP training... 866
to win over the individual on the photograph in your envelope. 867
And when I say win over... 868
I do mean in the biblical sense. 869
Easy. 870
Posh girls love a bit of rough. 871
We'll see about that, yeah? 872
We certainly will. 873
Hi! 874
Sorry, I just had to come over and say, amazing eyes. 875
Are you wearing colour contacts? 876
- No! - You so are. 877
Oh, my God, negging! That's hilarious. 878
I haven't heard anyone try that since the noughties. 879
Excuse me? 880
Negging 881
Saying something negative to a pretty girl in order to undermine her social value. 882
It's supposed to make you want to win his approval. 883
Absurdly basic neuro-linguistic programming technique. 884
Is it just me, or does this champagne taste a little bit funny? 885
- It's an acquired taste, mate. - I think it's just cheap. 886
Get one of these instead. They're delicious. 887
If you're into seduction techniques, this guy is textbook. 888
See what he just did? It's called an opinion opener. 889
He got you talking with a neutral question... 890
got all of us involved in the conversation... 891
so that you craved individual attention. 892
No, I'm just saying the champagne tastes rank. 893
Lady Sophie Montague-Herring. 894
Phone call for you at reception. 895
- Be right back. - We'll see you in a bit, yeah? 896
See you in a bit. 897
Budge up, Rox. I'm feeling a bit rough. 898
- Are you all right? - No. 899
Sorry to eavesdrop... 900
but there's a much easier way to guarantee getting someone home. 901
Rohypnol. 902
Or even something stronger. 903
Who the fuck are you? 904
Where am I? 905
This knife... 906
can save your life. 907
Fuck! 908
My employer's got two questions for you, Eggsy. 909
What the fuck is Kingsman? 910
And who's Harry Hart? 911
I don't know who the fuck that is! 912
Shit! 913
Eggsy, I just killed two of your friends who gave me the same bullshit answer! 914
Fuck! 915
Just cut the fucking ropes, please! 916
Hey, Eggsy! 917
Is Kingsman worth dying for? 918
FUCK you! 919
Congratulations. 920
Bloody well done. 921
How did the others do? 922
Roxy passed with flying colours. 923
Charlie's up next. Want to watch? 924
Yeah, all right. 925
Is Kingsman really worth dying for? 926
No, it fucking isn't! 927
Shit, I'll tell you what you want. Please! 928
Chester King is Arthur. 929
Arthur's head of a spy agency. It's called Kingsman. 930
- Get me out of here! - Thank you, Charlie. 931
Much appreciated. 932
Come on! That wasn't the fucking deal! 933
Fuck! 934
I had such high hopes for you. 935
You're a bloody disgrace. 936
Arthur, I'm sorry. 937
At least untie me. 938
Untie yourself. 939
Arthur, please. 940
I'm the fucking son of the... Shit! 941
Anyone? Hello? 942
Galahad, Percival, congratulations. 943
Your candidates have reached the final stage of the testing process. 944
As tradition allows, you now have 24 hours to spend with them. 945
Eggsy, you should know your father reached this point. 946
From now on... 947
there are no safety nets, understood? 948
Good. Dismissed. 949
Charlie, time to go home. 950
Fuck you. 951
Fucking dad's gonna hear about this! 952
To pee or not to pee? 953
That was the headline... 954
the day after I defused a dirty bomb in Paris. 955
Germany, 1, England, 5. 956
Missed that game. 957
I was breaking up an undercover spy ring at the Pentagon. 958
My first mission. 959
Foiled the assassination of Margaret Thatcher. 960
Not everybody would thank you for that one. 961
The point is, Eggsy, nobody thanked me for any of them. 962
Front page news on all these occasions was celebrity nonsense. 963
Because it's the nature of Kingsman that our achievements remain secret. 964
A gentleman's name should appear in the newspaper only three times. 965
When he's born, when he marries, and when he dies. 966
And we are, first and foremost, gentlemen. 967
That's me fucked then. 968
It's like Charlie said. I'm just a pleb. 969
Nonsense. 970
Being a gentleman has nothing to do with the circumstances of one's birth. 971
Being a gentleman is something one learns. 972
Yeah, but how? 973
All right, first lesson. 974
You should've asked me before you took a seat. 975
Second lesson... 976
how to make a proper martini. 977
Yes, Harry. 978
Goddamn it! This fucking hurts! 979
You're the one who asked for a biometric security system. 980
What's wrong with a simple switch? 981
A simple switch? 982
This is an extremely dangerous machine. 983
It should only be operated by someone as responsible and sane as me. 984
Bad shit could happen if this falls into the wrong hands. 985
We done here? Shit! 986
No. Now this one. 987
For the test at the church. 988
This one just has a short range. 989
A simple switch will do. 990
So are you gonna teach me how to talk proper, like in My Fair Lady? 991
Don't be absurd. 992
Being a gentleman has nothing to do with one's accent. 993
It's about being at ease in one's own skin. 994
As Hemingway said, There is nothing noble... 995
in being superior to your fellow man. 996
True nobility is being superior to your former self. 997
Now, the first thing every gentleman needs is a good suit. 998
By which I mean, a bespoke suit. Never off-the-peg. 999
And Kingsman suits are always bulletproof. 1000
So let's get you measured, and then, whether you get the job or not... 1001
you'll have a lasting and useful memento of your time at Kingsman. 1002
I'm so sorry, sir, but a gentleman is completing his fitting. 1003
Fitting Room Two is available. 1004
One does not use Fitting Room Two when one is popping one's cherry. 1005
Perhaps I'll show you Fitting Room Three while we wait. 1006
So we going up or down? 1007
Neither. 1008
Is this it? 1009
Of course not. Pull the hook on your left. 1010
Oh, yes. 1011
Very, very nice. 1012
You're going to need a pair of shoes to go with your suit. 1013
An oxford is any formal shoe with open lacing. 1014
This additional decorative piece is called broguing. 1015
Oxfords not brogues. 1016
Words to live by, Eggsy. 1017
Words to live by. Try a pair. 1018
Your weapon scores are excellent, by the way. 1019
These you are familiar with, and this is our standard issue pistol. 1020
It's quite unique, as you'll see. 1021
It also fires a shotgun cartridge for use in messy close-range situations. 1022
- How do they feel? - Yeah, good. 1023
Now do your very best impersonation... 1024
of a German aristocrat's formal greeting. 1025
No, Eggsy. 1026
That is sick. 1027
In the old days, they had a phone in the heel as well. 1028
How do I get it back in? 1029
Well, it's coated in one of the fastest acting neurotoxins known to man... 1030
so very carefully. 1031
Now, I've had a lot of fun with this. 1032
One of our finest examples of chemical engineering. 1033
A poison, harmless when ingested... 1034
but at a time convenient to you... 1035
can be remotely activated. Primed. 1036
Lethal. 1037
What about these? What do these do? 1038
- Electrocute you? - Don't be ridiculous. 1039
- It's a hand grenade. - Shut up! 1040
If you want to electrocute someone, you'll need a signet ring. 1041
A gentleman traditionally wears the signet on his left hand. 1042
But a Kingsman wears it on whichever hand happens to be dominant. 1043
Touch the contact behind the ring... 1044
it delivers 50,000 volts. 1045
And what about them? What makes them so special? 1046
Nothing. 1047
That technology has caught up with the spy world. 1048
Put it back, Eggsy. 1049
Perfect timing. 1050
The gentleman's just finished. 1051
Mr. DeVere! 1052
What a coincidence. 1053
You are totally the reason I'm here. 1054
When you left my house... 1055
I was thirsting for that dope-ass smoking jacket you had on. 1056
And since I'm going to Royal Ascot... 1057
and, apparently, you need one of these penguin suits... 1058
here I am. 1059
What are you doing here? 1060
What's up, man? 1061
Richmond Valentine. 1062
This is my new valet. I was just introducing him to my tailor. 1063
Another coincidence. So am I. 1064
Have you had any chance to think further on my proposal? 1065
Most definitely. 1066
My people will be getting in touch with you very soon. 1067
I guarantee it. 1068
A word of advice. 1069
Ascot requires top hat. 1070
I might suggest Lock and Co. Hatters. 1071
Saint James's. 1072
Lox as in smoked fish? 1073
As in, locked up. 1074
I have trouble understanding you people sometimes. 1075
You all talk so funny. 1076
Gentlemen, would you look after him, please? 1077
Now this... 1078
is a dope-ass top hat. 1079
Gazelle, let's go ascoting. 1080
Your hat looks fine, Gazelle. 1081
Come on! Don't make me late for the queen. 1082
Come on, Gazelle! We're gonna be late. 1083
How far is Ascot? 1084
How far? 1085
Merlin said you wanted to see me, sir? 1086
Sit down. 1087
Pretty dog. 1088
What's his name? 1089
J.B. 1090
- As in James Bond? - No. 1091
Jason Bourne? 1092
No. Jack Bauer. 1093
Oh! 1094
Bravo. 1095
It pains me to admit it... 1096
but I think that one day, you might be as good a spy... 1097
as any of them. 1098
Take it. 1099
Shoot the dog. 1100
This weapon is live. 1101
Shoot the dog. 1102
Give me the gun. 1103
At least the girl's got balls. 1104
Get out. 1105
I knew you couldn't make it. 1106
Go home. 1107
Merlin, send in Roxy, please. 1108
Welcome to Kingsman... 1109
Lancelot. 1110
Mum! 1111
Eggsy! 1112
Oh, God. Where have you been? 1113
I've been so worried about you. 1114
Oh, my days. Look how big you've grown! 1115
- Where is he? - I'm fine. 1116
Eggsy, please, just don't get involved. 1117
I should never have left you on your own. 1118
This stops right now. 1119
I'll be right back. 1120
Eggsy. 1121
Oi, Dean! 1122
Mugsy, so you're back. 1123
What, you gone and nicked a fucking taxi, now? 1124
Yeah. 1125
Can I have a word about my mum's black eye? 1126
You want to have a word with me, you get out of that cab... 1127
I'll knock you straight back down on your fucking arse. 1128
Tell your muppets to go inside, then I'll get out. 1129
Go on, lads. It'll be two hits. 1130
Me hitting him, him hitting the floor. 1131
Come on, then, you prick. 1132
Let's see what you got. Want a bit of me? 1133
What are you doing? 1134
No, no, no! 1135
Get out of the fucking car! 1136
What are you doing? Where you going, you mug? 1137
Go on, you got no bollocks! 1138
Come on, bruv, he hit my fucking mum! 1139
Come back when you've grown a pair! 1140
Mugsy! 1141
You throw away... 1142
your biggest opportunity over a fucking dog. 1143
And then you humiliate me by stealing my boss's car. 1144
You shot a dog just to get a fucking job. 1145
Yes, I did. 1146
And Mr. Pickle here reminds me of that every time I take a shit! 1147
You shot your dog and had it stuffed? 1148
You fucking freak. 1149
No, I shot my dog... 1150
and then I brought him home and continued to care for him... 1151
for the next 11 years until he died of pancreatitis. 1152
- What? - It was a blank, Eggsy. 1153
It was a fucking blank. 1154
Remember Amelia? 1155
Yeah. 1156
She didn't drown. 1157
She works in our tech department in Berlin. She's fine. 1158
Limits must be tested... 1159
a Kingsman only condones the risking of a life to save another. 1160
Like my dad saved your life even though your fuck-up cost his. 1161
Or have you got him stuffed here and all? 1162
Can't you see that everything I've done has been about trying to repay him? 1163
Harry, listen to this. 1164
Valentine is at last saying something of note. 1165
Do you know what I love about pen and paper? 1166
Nobody can hack into this shit. 1167
Our worldwide tour was a complete success. 1168
We have total coverall. 1169
Like when all your numbers in bingo are crossed out. 1170
Bingo? 1171
Bingo, the game. You have played bingo, right? 1172
Do I look like I play bingo? 1173
Point is... 1174
if our tests go well at the church tomorrow, we are good to go. 1175
South Glade Mission Church. 1176
- Merlin, get the plane ready. - Will do. 1177
Harry, I'm so sorry. I'm gonna do whatever... 1178
You should be. 1179
You just stay right there. I'll sort this mess out when I get back. 1180
And I say to you... 1181
bear witness! 1182
Watch the news. Watch the news. 1183
AIDS! 1184
Floods! 1185
The blood of the innocent, spilled! 1186
And yet, there are those who doubt this is the wrath of God. 1187
Our filthy government condones sodomy, divorce, abortion! 1188
And yet, some still doubt... 1189
this is the work of the antichrist! 1190
You do not have to be a Jew, a nigger, a whore... 1191
or an atheistic, science-loving evolution spouter... 1192
Charming sermon. 1193
Can you see Valentine anywhere? 1194
So, my friends... 1195
although he is a just God, he is justly a vengeful one... 1196
and there can be no turning back... 1197
from the almighty wrath... 1198
Are you sure we're out of range? 1199
We're over 1,000 feet away. What's wrong? 1200
What if the calculations are wrong? 1201
You just have to trust me. 1202
...Jew, nigger, fag lovers, and the devil is burning them... 1203
for all eternity. 1204
Would you excuse me? 1205
Where are you going? 1206
Hey! What's your problem? 1207
I'm a Catholic whore... 1208
currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black, Jewish boyfriend... 1209
who works in a military abortion clinic. 1210
So, hail Satan... 1211
and have a lovely afternoon, madam. 1212
Oh, shit. He's leaving. 1213
I'm starting the test now. 1214
Let's hope enough of these freaks have our SIM cards. 1215
I kindly ask you to sit down, my friend! 1216
Just leave this church! 1217
You just leave this church like the infidel you are! 1218
Satan cannot save you now! You will eat your babies. 1219
You will drown in the blood of the Lord! 1220
He will not save you! 1221
Holy fuck! 1222
Shit, I can't watch this. Get over here. 1223
Jeez! Fuck. 1224
Galahad, can you hear me? 1225
Harry! 1226
Harry, what the heck is going on? 1227
Could you turn the volume down, please? 1228
I didn't expect it to be that effective. 1229
What kind of response are we talking? 1230
100 percent. 1231
So, everyone's been affected, whether they have a SIM card or not. 1232
And we get the added benefit of wiping out the Kingsman. 1233
Not yet. 1234
You need to see this. 1235
What did you do to me? 1236
I had no control. 1237
I killed all those people. 1238
I wanted to. 1239
Clever, isn't it? 1240
In simple terms, it's a neurological wave... 1241
that triggers the centres of aggression... 1242
and switches off inhibitors. 1243
Transmitted through your nasty, free SIM cards, I assume. 1244
Do you know what this is like? 1245
It's like those old movies we both love. 1246
Now, I'm going to tell you my whole plan... 1247
and then I'm going to come up with some absurd and convoluted way to kill you... 1248
and you'll find an equally convoluted way to escape. 1249
Sounds good to me. 1250
Well, this ain't that kind of movie. 1251
No! 1252
Is he dead? 1253
That tends to happen when you shoot someone in the head. 1254
It feels good, right? 1255
No, no, it does not feel good. It feels fucking awful. 1256
What? You just killed how many people in that church? 1257
This is one guy. 1258
No, no, they killed each other. 1259
Okay, send out the countdown clock. 1260
This party starts tomorrow. 1261
Arthur? 1262
Are you there? 1263
Sadly, I am. 1264
Assemble the Kingsmen. 1265
Can't you see that everything I've done has been about trying to repay him? 1266
I see a young man with potential... 1267
who wants to do something good with his life. 1268
Arthur, Harry's dead. 1269
Galahad is dead. 1270
Hence, we have just drunk a toast to him. 1271
Well, then you know what that psycho's doing. 1272
How many people around the world have got those SIM cards? 1273
Valentine can send his signal to any of them, all of them. 1274
If they all go homicidal at the same time then... 1275
Indeed, and thanks to Galahad's recordings... 1276
we have Valentine's confession. 1277
The intelligence has been passed on to the relevant authorities. 1278
Our work is complete... 1279
and a most distinguished legacy for our fallen friend, it is, too. 1280
And that's it? 1281
Come sit down, boy. 1282
This is an 1815 Napoleonic brandy. 1283
And we only drink it when we lose a Kingsman. 1284
Galahad was very fond of you. 1285
And on this occasion... 1286
I think it's acceptable for us to bend the rules a little. 1287
Are these all Kingsmen? 1288
Yes, they're founder members. 1289
I want you to join me in a toast. 1290
To Galahad. 1291
To Galahad. 1292
Harry says you don't like to break rules, Arthur. 1293
Why now? 1294
You're very good, Eggsy. 1295
Perhaps I will make you my proposal for Galahad's position. 1296
Provided, of course, that we can see eye to eye... 1297
on certain political matters. 1298
Can you guess... 1299
what this is? 1300
I don't have to. Harry showed me. 1301
You click it. I die. 1302
I thought that brandy tasted a bit shit. 1303
Bravo. 1304
Valentine won you over, somehow. 1305
Once he explained, I understood. 1306
When you get a virus... 1307
you get a fever. 1308
That's the human body raising its core temperature to kill the virus. 1309
Planet Earth works the same way. 1310
Global warming is the fever. 1311
Mankind is the virus. 1312
We're making our planet sick. 1313
A cull is our only hope. 1314
If we don't reduce our population ourselves... 1315
there is only one of two ways this can go. 1316
The host kills the virus, or the virus kills the host. 1317
Either way... 1318
The result is the same. 1319
The virus dies. 1320
So Valentine's gonna take care of the population problem himself. 1321
Well, if we don't do something, nature will. 1322
Sometimes a culling is the only way to ensure that this species survives... 1323
and history will see Valentine... 1324
as the man who saved humanity from extinction. 1325
And he gets to pick and choose who gets culled, does he? 1326
All his rich mates, they get to live... 1327
and anyone he thinks is worth saving, he's keeping them safe... 1328
whether they agree with him or not. 1329
And you, 599$'!- 1330
In Harry's honour... 1331
I am inviting you to be part of a new world. 1332
It's time to make your decision. 1333
I'd rather be with Harry. 1334
Thanks. 1335
So be it. 1336
The problem with us common types... 1337
is that we're light-fingered. 1338
Kingsman's taught me a lot... 1339
but sleight of hand... 1340
Yes, they're founder members. 1341
I had that down already. 1342
You dirty little fucking... 1343
prick. 1344
It's okay, Lancelot. Put it down. 1345
It's verified. 1346
Arthur's phone is receiving update texts about getting to safety. 1347
- We don't have a lot of time. - What are you going to do? 1348
The question is, what are we going to do? 1349
God knows who's in Valentine's pocket and who's not. 1350
We have no choice. 1351
We are gonna have to deal with this ourselves. 1352
Follow me. 1353
What the fuck is this? 1354
I have no idea. 1355
What you're playing with... 1356
is a prototype personal transatmospheric vehicle. 1357
It was developed as part of Reagan's Star Wars project. 1358
It's pretty basic, but it should still work. 1359
We're gonna take out one of Valentine's satellites. 1360
We're gonna break the chain, stop the signal. 1361
It'll take him a couple of hours to reroute it... 1362
which buys us enough time for you to get me into Valentine's mainframe... 1363
so I can shut it down. 1364
Lancelot, you're going to be using it. 1365
Get into your halo suit. 1366
Swedish Prime Minister, requesting permission to land. 1367
Permission granted. 1368
- Please. - Thank you. 1369
- How many more are we expecting? - Not many. 1370
Most have their own bunkers. 1371
I figure we're just getting the really nervous ones. 1372
Welcome, Prime Minister. 1373
It seems the implant can emit some kind of counter signal... 1374
to ensure the wearer remains unaffected by the waves from the SIM cards. 1375
The waves that turn everyone into a psycho killer. 1376
Quite. But what he probably didn't tell anyone... 1377
is it can also super heat their soft tissue at his command. 1378
Valentine selected his chosen few to get the countdown warning... 1379
but he had to be sure they didn't blab to the wrong people beforehand. 1380
How does this help us right now? 1381
It doesn't. 1382
Roxy, here we go! 1383
The higher you go, the more the balloons expand. 1384
When you reach the edge of the atmosphere... 1385
they'll explode. 1386
You'll need to deploy your missile just before that, okay? 1387
Edge of the atmosphere. 1388
And once you've deployed, you'll need to release for descent, fast. 1389
Good luck. 1390
- You can do this, okay? - Yeah. 1391
Eggsy, come on. Time is not our friend. 1392
You're getting in on Arthur's invitation. 1393
You're gonna need to blend in. 1394
I'm supposed to be Arthur? 1395
His invitation is in his phone. You give them this. 1396
- Give his real name, Chester King. - What about you? 1397
I'm your pilot. I'm gonna stay here. 1398
Is that gonna fit me? 1399
A bespoke suit always fits. 1400
Just be grateful Harry had it made for you. 1401
Get dressed. 1402
What the fuck's wrong with them? 1403
I don't know. Could have something to do with the mass genocide. 1404
Give me the mic. 1405
Hey-oh! 1406
Everybody, listen up! Hello, hello! 1407
What the fuck is wrong with you people? 1408
I just wanna remind you that today... 1409
is a day of celebration. 1410
We must put aside all thoughts of death... 1411
and focus on birth. 1412
The birth of a new age. 1413
We mustn't mourn those who give their lives today. 1414
We should honour their sacrifice... 1415
Has she got my number to call me back? I got a new phone. 1416
...and their roles in saving the human race. 1417
We must put aside doubt and guilt. 1418
You are the chosen people. 1419
When folks tell their kids the story of Noah's Ark... 1420
is Noah the bad guy? 1421
No! 1422
Is God the bad guy? 1423
No! 1424
How about the animals marching two by two? 1425
No! 1426
Of course not! 1427
Yeah, that's it! 1428
Let's turn those frowns upside down. 1429
Eat, drink... 1430
and party! 1431
And I will see you all in the new age. 1432
Rox, it's me. 1433
How's the view? 1434
- Hideous - Mine's pretty sweet. 1435
- They made you one of these suits yet? - No, not yet. 1436
You've got something to look forward to then. 1437
We're coming up on Valentine's base. Gotta go. 1438
Good luck. 1439
Looking good, Eggsy. 1440
Feeling good, Merlin. 1441
This is November-2-4-7-Charlie-Kilo... 1442
requesting permission to land. 1443
Permission is granted. 1444
Fuck me. 1445
599331, we're on. 1446
Chester King. 1447
Mr. King, welcome. 1448
I'm sure you've adhered to Valentine's strict no-weapons policy... 1449
- but if you don't object... - Of course. 1450
Thank you. 1451
Do you have any luggage? 1452
Congratulations, Mycroft, you just graduated from my pilot to my valet. 1453
- You cheeky... - Understood? 1454
Good. 1455
Thank you. 1456
Eggsy, find a laptop, get me online. The clock is ticking. 1457
And remember, try to blend in. 1458
Would sir care for a drink? 1459
Martini. 1460
Gin, not vodka, obviously. 1461
Stirred for 10 seconds while glancing at an unopened bottle of vermouth. 1462
Thank you. 1463
Merlin, are you clocking this? 1464
Yes, I am. Stay focused. 1465
Lancelot, you're doing great. Not much further to go. 1466
Yes, Merlin. 1467
Eggsy, get me online now. 1468
Yep, I'm on it. 1469
Lancelot, you're approaching your altitude limit. 1470
Those balloons won't last much longer. 1471
Prepare to engage missile. 1472
Society's dead. 1473
Long live society. 1474
Amen to that. 1475
- I'm Morten Lindstrom. - Chester King. 1476
How'd you get online? I couldn't. 1477
It's a closed network, you see. Pre-authorised connections only. 1478
I've got a fix on the satellite. 1479
Do you have the correct time? 1480
I think I'm still in my last time zone. 1481
Yeah, yeah. Let's see now. 1482
599531, I'm in. 1483
Get your arse back to the plane, now. 1484
- On my way. - Lancelot, good luck! 1485
Firing in 3... 2... 1486
Nice and slow. 1487
Fuck are you doing here? 1488
Well, my family were invited, obviously. 1489
Now, get the fuck up! Slowly. 1490
Shit. Lancelot, hurry up and fire! 1491
That other balloon is gonna blow! 1492
Yes, Merlin. I've nearly got it. Give me a second! 1493
Valentine! I've caught a fucking spy! 1494
V-Glass, zoom. 1495
Oh, fuck! It's that young valet. 1496
Son of a bitch. 1497
Got it! 1498
Oh, shit. Sound the alarm! 1499
I'm not taking any chances. 1500
Okay, you send out the two-minute warning. 1501
I'm starting the override. All right, let's do this. 1502
Countdown initiated. 1503
- You see him? - Right here. 1504
Eggsy, take a left. 1505
Two guards, up ahead. 1506
Lancelot! Release now! 1507
Eggsy, straight ahead, then right. 1508
There's two more. 1509
AH right, everybody on your feet! 1510
Countdown to V-day! 1511
Welcome in the new age! 1512
Flat spin. 1513
Eggsy, next left, down the narrow tunnel! 1514
Here we go! 1515
10... 1516
9... 1517
8... 1518
7... 1519
6... 1520
5... 1521
4... 1522
3... 1523
2... 1524
1! 1525
Nice! Well done, both of you. 1526
It's not working! 1527
It's supposed to be working! What the fuck? 1528
Yes! 1529
Well done, Rox. Good girl. 1530
We've lost one of our satellites. 1531
Oh, no, no. There's no way I can hack past that. 1532
What's going on? 1533
Is there a problem? 1534
Come on. There's no need for guns. 1535
I'm just a pilot. 1536
Fuck. Merlin! 1537
Get in here! 1538
Come on! 1539
Let's get the fuck out of here! 1540
We can't. 1541
I can't get into Valentine's machine. 1542
He's got biometric security. 1543
You're gonna have to get in there and make sure his hand never touches that desk. 1544
Are you taking the fucking piss? 1545
I'm afraid not. 1546
Let's have that then. 1547
This is mine. 1548
I'll show you yours. 1549
Good choice. 1550
How long to re-link the satellite chain? 1551
It'll take an hour, maybe two. 1552
Bullshit! Just bring these two closer together. 1553
But that's not yours. 1554
V-Glass, call E-man. 1555
E, it's V. 1556
Listen, man, I got a little hiccup on this end. 1557
I need to piggyback. 1558
One of my satellites just went down, but it's right next to one of yours. 1559
You read my mind. 1560
How long before you make that happen? 1561
Go. 1562
All right, we should be coming back online. 1563
10 percent. 1564
Shit! 1565
Eggsy, Valentine's using someone else's satellite. 1566
He's going to reconnect the chain. 1567
It's going to take him no time at all. 1568
It's at 20 percent. 1569
Eggsy, it seems Valentine's got a present for you. Get a move on! 1570
Is that Kingsman kid dead yet? 1571
Not yet, but he will be soon. 1572
Good. 1573
Merlin, I'm fucked. 1574
As am I. 1575
They're coming at me from both sides. I'm out of options. 1576
Rox, I need a favour. 1577
Call my mum. 1578
Tell her to lock herself away from Dean. 1579
And the baby... 1580
and tell her I love her. 1581
For fuck's sake. 1582
Merlin, remember those implants you said were of no use to us? 1583
Any chance you can turn them on? 1584
All right. 1585
My turn to play, Valentine. 1586
Oh, no! 1587
What the fuck is he doing? I can't stop this. 1588
Yes, please. 1589
No! 1590
Oh, my God! 1591
That is fucking spectacular! 1592
Merlin, you're a fucking genius! 1593
What the fuck is happening out there? 1594
Aren't you that princess who went missing? 1595
Can you get me out? 1596
If I do, will you give me a kiss? 1597
I've always wanted to kiss a princess. 1598
If you get me out right now, I'll give you more than just a kiss. 1599
You motherfucker. 1600
Did you really think I was stupid enough... 1601
to implant one of those things in my own head? 1602
What are you, fucking crazy? 1603
All those innocent people killed and for what? 1604
You didn't stop shit! 1605
Fine, I've locked the door. What do you want me to do now? 1606
As I said, put your daughter in the bathroom and throw away the key. 1607
It's still happening! 1608
You're fucking insane! 1609
Just do it. 1610
Eggsy, the signal's started! 1611
Get Valentine's hand off that bloody desk now! 1612
Sorry, love. 1613
Got to save the world. 1614
I'll be right back. 1615
Good luck! 1616
London. 1617
Rio. 1618
Get down! 1619
You did it! 1620
The glass is not gonna hold long. 1621
You stay here. 1622
Merlin, quickly, how do I get up there? 1623
- Keep shooting, I'll find a route. - Understood. 1624
Holy fuck! 1625
We're back up. 1626
We're back up! 1627
This is great! 1628
Eggsy! 1629
Fucking get on with it! 1630
Kick his ass, Gazy! 1631
Seoul, Caracas, Mumbai! 1632
Kill that motherfucker! He killed all our friends! 1633
Eggsy, the world is going to shit! 1634
- Is he dead yet? - Not yet! 1635
Stop playing with your food! 1636
Kill him! 1637
Gazelle! 1638
Gazelle! 1639
Come on! Come on! 1640
Kill him! 1641
Hey! 1642
Well done, son! 1643
Yes! 1644
Yes, Eggsy! 1645
Well done, Eggsy! 1646
And you, Lancelot. 1647
I'm so sorry. Mummy would never hurt you. 1648
Mummy would never hurt you. I'm so sorry. 1649
Are you okay? 1650
Harry would be proud of you, Eggsy. 1651
He was right. 1652
What's up, man? 1653
Is this the part where you say some really bad pun? 1654
Well, it's like you said to Harry. 1655
This ain't that kind of movie, bruv. 1656
Perfect. 1657
Eggsy, where are you going? 1658
There's no need for champagne. We got loads in the plane. 1659
Did you save the world? 1660
Yes, I did. 1661
So, you gonna come in? 1662
Yes, I am. 1663
Merlin, the cell's locked. How do I get in? 1664
26-25. 1665
Merlin, you're the guvnor. 1666
You owe me, Eggsy. 1667
Eggsy? 1668
Oh, my word. 1669
Michelle, turn that shit off. It's doing my nut in. 1670
I rather like that song. 1671
Leave it on, eh, Mum? 1672
Mugsy's back. 1673
You've finally come to have that word with me, have you, son? 1674
Or are you gonna run away again... 1675
and pretend you're going to court, dressed like that? 1676
Oh, you mean this? 1677
No. 1678
I know this bloke who's just taken over a tailor shop on Savile Row. 1679
He's given me a job, Mum. 1680
It comes with a lot of perks. 1681
Including a house. 1682
Come and live with me there, Mum. 1683
Come on. 1684
Sit down, you. 1685
Only place she'll be visiting is you in fucking hospital. 1686
- Do you hear? - Just leave him alone, Dean! 1687
Eggsy, just go. Please, just go, babe. 1688
All right. 1689
That's it, do as Mummy says. 1690
Why don't you ask that tailor friend of yours, and knock up a nice chicken costume. 1691
It'll suit you, you mug. 1692
As a good friend once said... 1693
Manners... 1694
maketh... 1695
man. 1696
- Dean? - Shut the fuck up. 1697
Eggsy, I'm gonna shove your manners up your fucking... 1698
So... 1699
are we gonna stand around here all day, or are we gonna fight?