[uplifting music]
*
- * ACROSS THE NATION
* AROUND THE WORLD
* WHEREVER YOU GO
* WHOEVER YOU KNOW
* PEOPLE
* THEY'RE EVERYWHERE
* IN THE CROWDED STREETS
* AND THE FIELDS OF WHEAT
* FROM UNIVERSITIES
* TO THE SHINING SEA
* THE PUBLIC
* WE GOT A REAL DUMB PUBLIC *
HI, FOLKS.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN ALL AROUND THE WORLD.
AND I MET A LOT OF PEOPLE.
AND FOR THE MOST PART,
THEY'RE A BUNCH OF DUMB ASSHOLES.
* DUMB PUBLIC
* WE GOT A REAL DUMB PUBLIC - UHH! UHH!
- * OH, YES, THE PUBLIC
* IS A BUNCH OF IDIOTS
[upbeat music]
*
- CHEERS.
[tense music]
*
- THREE WHISKEYS.
- E-EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN.
BUT, UH, ARE YOU...COWBOYS?
- YES, SIR.
- WELL, I'LL BE.
WE'VE NEVER MET ANY REAL COWBOYS BEFORE.
- WHAT'S IT LIKE BEING A COWBOY?
DO YOU FIGHT A LOT OF INDIANS?
- NOPE.
- OH.
- SAY, HAVE YOU EVER LASSOED MAN?
YOU KNOW, DRAGGED HIM THROUGH TOWN?
- [spits]
NOPE. - OH.
- WELL, HOW ABOUT ROBBIN' BANKS,
OR FIRING OFF TRICK SHOTS WITH YOUR SIX-SHOOTER,
OR CHALLENGING GUNSLINGERS?
YOU EVER DO ANY OF THOSE?
- NOPE. NOT A ONE.
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO?
- WELL, MAINLY...
WE CLEAN UP COW SHIT.
- WHAT? - WE'RE COWBOYS.
SO OUR JOB IS TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE COWS.
- LEADING COWS AROUND FROM ONE PLACE TO ANOTHER,
FEEDING GRASS TO COWS,
BRUSHING COWS' TAILS AND HIDES.
AND IF ONE OF THEM SHITS WHERE IT AIN'T SUPPOSED TO,
CLEANIN' UP COW SHIT.
I'M SORRY, BUT I ALWAYS HAD THIS IMAGE
OF COWBOYS FIGHTING AND SHOOTING AND KILLING.
- WELL, MY FRIEND...
THOSE ACTIVITIES ARE OUTSIDE OF OUR JOB DESCRIPTION.
- I SUPPOSE SOME COWBOYS DO ALL THAT STUFF,
BUT THEN THEY PROBABLY AIN'T DOING A VERY GOOD JOB
OF TAKING CARE OF THEIR COWS. [laughs]
- DAMN FOOLS. [chuckles]
- JUST THINK OF ALL THE COW SHIT
THEY'RE NEGLECTING TO CLEAN UP. [laughs]
- THEY PROBABLY EVEN FORGET TO WIPE THE COWS' BUTTS.
- DID HE SAY "WIPING COWS' BUTTS?"
- MY NAME IS BLACK DRAKE.
I RODE 92 MILES TO KILL YOUR SHERIFF
AND KIDNAP YOUR DAUGHTERS.
IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT,
WE CAN MEET OUT IN THE STREET.
[door opens]
- [sighs]
- WE KNOW WHAT WE GOTTA DO.
- LOOK, THERE'S BLACK DRAKE
OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET,
BUT WHERE ARE THOSE COWBOYS?
- OH, THERE THEY ARE, THERE.
THEY'RE WIPING THAT COW'S BUTT.
[cow moos]
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- WE'RE WIPING THIS COW'S BUTT.
- AREN'T YOU GUYS GONNA DUEL BLACK DRAKE?
- HELL NO. HE'D SHOOT US.
- IT'S OUTSIDE OF OUR JOB DESCRIPTION.
- DID YOU SEE WHAT THEM THERE--THERE DID?
WEIRD.
- WHY ARE YOU WIPING THAT COW'S BUTT ANYWAY?
IT'S A COW, JUST LET IT SHIT.
- MISTER, WHAT YOU JUST SAID,
IT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[flies buzzing]
[sniffs]
- OH, GROSS.
UGH.
[door opens]
- HE'S LEAVIN'.
- YOU DID IT. YOU SAVED US.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DID IT, BUT YOU SAVED US.
- YEAH, IT WAS SO WEIRD AND SO GROSS AND SO DUMB,
THAT YOU SAVED US FROM BLACK DRAKE.
- YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.
[door opens]
- THOSE ARE THREE DUMB SHITS.
[whip cracks]
- IN LATE 1929, A YOUNG ANIMATOR
WITH DREAMS OF STARDOM TOILED AWAY
IN A SMALL ANIMATION STUDIO IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.
WORKING LATE INTO THE NIGHT,
HE STUMBLED UPON A DESIGN FOR A NEW CHARACTER
TO STAR IN HIS LATEST LOW-BUDGET CARTOON--
A SMALL CRUDELY DRAWN RODENT
WITH AN UNFORGETTABLE SMILE.
THAT ANIMATOR, OF COURSE,
WAS NONE OTHER THAN GLANARD FRUGNER--
THE WORST ANIMATOR OF ALL TIME.
AND THAT CHARACTER, WELL, THAT WAS [bleep],
THE WEIRD DEAD MOLE.
OVER THE YEARS, FRUGNER WOULD GO ON
TO CREATE DOZENS MORE CHARACTERS,
NONE OF THEM BELOVED.
THERE WAS TINY, THE SMALL, SMALL, SMALLY.
SCARY, THE KILLER MURDERER.
STINK, THE BAD HAIRCUT.
HENRY HUMAN.
NOTHING, THE INVISIBLE AIR.
LUNCH, AND TAXES.
NONE OF THESE CHARACTERS EVER RECEIVED ANY ACCLAIM,
NOR SHOULD THEY HAVE.
GLANARD'S FILMS CAPTURED NO HEARTS.
- AAH!
- GLANARD HAD DREAMS OF EXPANDING
THE WORLD OF HIS CHARACTERS, BY ERECTING
THEME PARKS IN ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA,
AND ORLANDO, FLORIDA.
HE NEVER DID.
AND NOW WE LEAVE YOU WITH GLANARD'S
NEVER HONORED, NON-CLASSIC SONG
"WHEN YOU WISH UPON THE GROUND."
- HELLO!
- WOW, WHAT A TUNE.
HI, FOLKS. I'M ALEX WINCHELLS,
CHAIRMAN AND CFO.
OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
HI, [bleep], HOW ARE YOU?
WELL, I CAN SEE
THAT YOU'RE UP TO YOUR OLD TRICKS.
- RAWLINS, WYOMING, MONTERO CORP'S
NATIONAL HEADQUARTERS--
THE NATION'S LARGEST CATTLE FARM.
THIS IS THE FACE OF THE FACTORY FARMING INDUSTRY--
HUNDREDS OF MILES OF LAND, THOUSANDS OF COWS.
THEIR BUTTS?
UNWIPED.
IN RAWLINS, CRUDE AUTOMATED WIPING MACHINES
HANDLE DOZENS OF COWS AT A TIME.
A MICROSCOPIC CLOSE-UP OF ONE OF THE COW'S BUTTS
TELLS A DISTURBING STORY--
GERMS, BACTERIA, EVEN FECAL MATTER.
THOUGH IGNORANCE AND GREED HAVE GOT US HERE,
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.
[upbeat music]
*
- UH, THIS HERE IS BESSIE.
SHE'S A HUNGRY ONE.
- THIS IS WAYNE DELLER OF BILLINGS, MONTANA,
AND INDEPENDENT FARMER WHO RUNS A SMALL,
FAMILY-OWNED FARM.
- THIS RANCH HAS BEEN IN THE FAMILY FOR MANY YEARS.
WE ONLY GOT ABOUT 50 ACRES,
BUT IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY GRANDDADDY.
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
- BY STAYING INDEPENDENT,
WAYNE CARES FOR HIS CATTLE
FAR BETTER THAN ANY FACTORY FARMER.
- I THINK THE CLEANER THEY ARE, THE HAPPIER THEY ARE.
THAT'S KIND OF MY FAMILY'S MOTTO.
THAT'S HOW WE DID IT.
THAT'S HOW MY GREAT GRANDDADDY DID IT.
SO THAT'S HOW I DO IT.
- THE DIFFERENCE IS ASTONISHING.
THEIR BUTTS ARE CLEANER.
IF WE DO OUR BEST TO SUPPORT SMALL FARMS,
WE CAN TAKE THE POWER AWAY FROM MONTERO CORP,
AND PUT THE CATTLE FARMING INDUSTRY
BACK INTO THE HANDS THAT DESERVE IT--
HANDS THAT WE TRUST.
- * DUMB PUBLIC
* WE GOT A REAL DUMB PUBLIC *
[applause]
[knuckles crack]
[playing piano]
*
[rumble]
[rumbling]
[glass shatters]
[dog barks]
[playing piano]
*
[applause]
[thud]
[cheers and applause]
- [chuckles] NO THANK YOU.
- SO, SARAH, HOW WAS YOUR SECOND WEEK OF SCHOOL?
- AWESOME, I'M IN THE SAME CLASS AS JUSTIN.
- OOH.
[rattling]
- WHAT IS THAT? WHAT IS THAT NOISE?
- [grunting]
all: AAH!
tambourine rattling]
- OOH, OOH, OOH.
HAPPY SEPTEMBER, EVERYONE.
- WHAT THE HELL? WHO ARE YOU?
- RELAX. IT'S JUST ME, SEPTEMBER SANTA,
SPREADING A LITTLE SEPTEMBER MAGIC.
I COME AROUND EVERY SEPTEMBER 18TH AT 1:48 P.M.
- SEPTEMBER 18TH?
- IT'S JUST AS WEIRD AS DECEMBER 25TH.
[laughs]
- NO, IT'S NOT.
DECEMBER 25TH IS THE BIRTH
OF JESUS CHRIST, OUR LORD AND SAVIOR.
- OKAY, OKAY, WE GET IT, SARAH.
UNLIKE DECEMBER SANTA,
I HAVE NO RELIGIOUS AFFILIATIONS.
- HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?
- SEPTEMBER SANTA.
- BUT SEPTEMBER SUCKS.
- HEY, CHILL OUT, PAUL.
EVERYBODY LOVES WHEN THE LEAVES START CHANGING COLORS.
- YEAH, THAT'S MORE, LIKE, OCTOBER.
- YEAH, BUT IT HAPPENS A LITTLE BIT IN SEPTEMBER.
AND HEY, YOU CAN GO SWIMMING AT THE BEACH
IN SEPTEMBER, CATCH A WAVE, SURF'S UP.
- NOT REALLY. - YOU COULD.
I WOULD BE COLD, BUT YOU COULD DO IT.
HOO, HOO, HOO. HOO.
- OH, IT'S HOO, HOO, HOO INSTEAD OF HO, HO, HO.
THIS GUY DOES THINGS A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY.
IT'S VERY INTERESTING, HON.
- [laughs] YES.
AND WHO COULD FORGET THE SEPTEMBER CLASSIC,
E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL?
DON'T YOU REMEMBER THE HALLOWEEN SCENE?
- YEAH. - WELL, IF THERE WAS
A SUMMER SCENE AND A HALLOWEEN SCENE,
THEN THERE HAD TO HAVE BEEN A SCENE IN...
YOU GUESSED IT-- SEPTEMBER.
HOO, HOO, HOO. HOO, HOO, HOO.
AND, UNLIKE SANTA CLAUS,
I DON'T HAVE A NAUGHTY OR NICE LIST.
I GIVE GIFTS TO EVERYONE,
FROM MOTHER TERESA TO OSAMA BIN LADEN,
ALL THE WAY DOWN TO BARACK OBAMA.
HOO, HOO, HOO.
FOR YOU, PAUL, A WONDERFUL PENCIL.
PERFECT FOR BACK-TO-SCHOOL.
- GREAT. - HOO, HOO.
AND YOU, SARAH, A MECHANICAL PENCIL.
LOOK AT IT GO. YOU FEED THE LEAD IN
THROUGH THE TOP, AND THEN YOU
CLICK IT DOWN TO WRITE.
- CAN I LEAVE?
- YEAH, SWEETHEART, IF YOU WANT.
- WELL-- - SORRY, GO AHEAD.
SHE HAS SOMETHING TO DO. - OKAY.
OH, AND LITTLE JOEY, A PENCIL,
THE BEST GIFT TO WRITE REMINDERS TO YOURSELF
THAT HALLOWEEN IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
HOO, HOO, HOO, HOO, HOO, HOO.
- OH, SEPTEMBER SANTA, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
SO ALL THE GIFTS HAVE TO DO WITH SEPTEMBER.
- YES, JUST LIKE HOW ALL OF SANTA CLAUS'S GIFTS
HAVE TO DO WITH THE MONTH OF DECEMBER.
ANYWAY, IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GET GOING.
I'LL SEE YOU ALL NEXT SEPTEMBER.
- AREN'T YOU GONNA GO OUT THE WINDOW?
- NO, I'M JUST GONNA USE THE FRONT DOOR.
AND REMEMBER, PART OF E.T. TOOK PLACE IN SEPTEMBER.
HOO, HOO, HOO.
SEE YOU NEXT SEPTEMBER.
- ALL RIGHT, SEPTEMBER SANTA, GOOD-BYE.
- AND THAT WAS THE TAIL OF SEPTEMBER SANTA.
- GROSS.
I THINK YOUR GRANDPA'S A PACK RAT.
- NO, HE'S ACTUALLY A PRETTY INTERESTING GUY.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS PHOTO.
IT MUST BE FROM, LIKE, 1940.
- YOU WERE CLOSE. 1T'S 1944--
ONE WEEK BEFORE D-DAY.
BRING THOSE PICTURES OVER HERE.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT 'EM.
- IS THAT A PICTURE OF YOU FROM THE WAR, MR. RANKIN?
- OH, MY, MY, MY. LOOK AT THAT.
THAT'S ME.
BUT I WAS A DIFFERENT MAN BACK THEN.
THIS PHOTOGRAPH WAS TAKEN AROUND THE TIME
I USED TO DRESS UP AS A SOLDIER
AND GO TO BARS AND RESTAURANTS,
HERE IN THE UNITED STATES, AND TRY TO GET
FREE FOOD AND DRINK BY TELLING PEOPLE
I WAS A WAR HERO.
I WOULD WALK IN, CONFIDENTLY AS A SOLIDER,
SIT DOWN, AND FLASH MY MEDALS TO ANY OF THE WAITSTAFF.
AND I'D EAT MY FILL.
YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW MUCH A PHONY SOLDIER CAN EAT.
- SO YOU WEREN'T A WAR HERO?
- NO, I DODGED THE DRAFT, YOU SEE?
I DRESSED UP AS A WOMAN AND CHANGED MY NAME
FROM SAM TO SOPHIE.
I WOULD WEAR DRESSES AND TALK ABOUT BOYS
I HAD CRUSHES ON ALL DAY LONG.
BUT THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
I WAS A DIFFERENT MAN BACK THEN.
- YOUR GRANDPA'S A FREAK.
- UH, GRANDPA, WHAT'S THIS ONE HERE?
- LET ME SEE.
OH, MY OLD BASEBALL CARD.
- OH, DID YOU PLAY A LITTLE BALL
AFTER YOU WERE IN THE WAR?
- OH, REMEMBER, I WASN'T IN THE WAR.
OKAY, I DODGED THE DRAFT BY PRETENDING I WAS A WOMAN.
I WAS A COWARD.
I WAS A COWARD BACK THEN, YOU REMEMBER.
BUT SURE, SURE. I PLAYED A LITTLE MINOR LEAGUE BALL.
I EVER TELL YOU THE STORY ABOUT
HOW I GOT ON THIS TEAM?
- MM-MM.
- I NEVER TOLD YOU THAT STORY? - NO.
- THE STORY ABOUT HOW I GOT ON THE KANSAS CITY CLIPPERS?
both: NO. - BLACKMAIL.
BLACKMAIL'S HOW I DID IT. IT WAS EASY.
YOU SEE, I WAS UNDERNEATH THE STADIUM BLEACHERS ONE DAY,
LOOKING FOR OLD PEANUT SHELLS.
I USED TO LIKE TO SUCK ON 'EM,
BECAUSE I LIKE THE SALTY TASTE.
WELL, I POP MY HEAD INTO A ROOM.
AND WHO DO I SEE, BUT THE OWNER OF THE TEAM
SCREWING THE MAYOR'S WIFE.
I BLACKMAILED THEM IMMEDIATELY.
I GOT ON THE TEAM THROUGH THAT BLACKMAIL,
AND THE MAYOR'S WIFE LET ME RIDE
THE CITY TROLLEYS FOR FREE. - GREAT.
- I HAD A LOT OF FUN PLAYIN' BALL WITH THOSE FELLAS,
EVEN THOUGH I WAS PROBABLY
THE WORST PITCHER IN LEAGUE HISTORY.
I DID HOLD A RECORD, THOUGH.
- REALLY? WHAT WAS IT?
- I PITCHED 14 GRAND SLAMS IN A SINGLE GAME,
AND THEN I GOT KICKED OFF THE TEAM.
- FOR BEING SUCH A BAD PITCHER?
- NO, NO, I GOT KICKED OFF THE TEAM
FOR STEALING BATS AND SELLING THEM AS FIREWOOD.
BUT THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
I WAS--I WAS A DIFFERENT MAN BACK THEN...
- YEAH.
- AND MUCH MORE SPINELESS
AND SHIFTY THAN I AM TODAY.
- GRANDPA, I TOLD PETE WHAT A GREAT GUY YOU WERE.
I SAID YOU WERE THE EPITOME OF HONOR AND BRAVERY.
WAS I WRONG? - NO, YOU WEREN'T WRONG.
I CHANGED RIGHT WHEN YOU WERE BORN.
YOU SEE, I KNEW YOU NEEDED A ROLE MODEL,
AND I FIGURED I MIGHT AS WELL BE IT.
- REALLY?
IS THIS ME HERE, IN THIS PICTURE WITH YOU?
- LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE.
YOU? NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
THIS IS YOUR FRIEND PETE.
THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN SOON AFTER
I PURCHASED HIM FROM HIS PARENTS.
I HAD BIG PLANS FOR LITTLE PETE.
I WAS GONNA PERFORM EXPERIMENTS ON HIM,
MENTAL STUFF MOSTLY--
LEAVE HIM IN A CLOSET BY HIMSELF,
STARVE HIM FOR PERIODS OF TIME,
AND WRITE A BOOK ABOUT IT AND SELL IT
TO THE SCIENCE COMMUNITY.
I WAS GONNA MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS.
I REALLY TOOK TO THE TYPING TOO.
IT WAS A LOT OF FUN. IT WAS A WRIST WORKOUT
THAT I MUCH NEEDED. - YEAH.
- BUT LIKE SO MANY OF MY HOBBIES,
I LOST INTEREST AND GAVE UP ON IT.
AND I LEFT PETE ON SOME ORPHANAGE'S DOORSTEP.
- WAIT A SECOND. THAT'S WHY I'M AN ORPHAN?
- WELL, YEAH, I COULDN'T GIVE YOU BACK TO YOUR PARENTS.
I SUNK THEIR HOUSEBOAT.
- YOU KILLED MY PARENTS? - NO, NO.
I DIDN'T KILL ANYONE.
I SUNK THEIR HOUSEBOAT. - WERE THEY ON IT?
- WELL, YEAH, THEY WERE ON IT.
AND SURE, THEY DROWNED BECAUSE OF IT.
THEY'RE DEAD.
- I SUPPOSE THIS IS BACK WHEN YOU WERE A DIFFERENT MAN.
- THIS WAS A WEEK AGO, PETE.
- YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU
KNEW MY PARENTS ALL ALONG, AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?
AND THEN YOU KILLED THEM A WEEK AGO?
- WHAT?
- YOU KILLED MY PARENTS!
- WHAT?
- I DON'T THINK HE CAN HEAR YOU.
- CAN YOU HEAR ME?
- I CAN'T HEAR YA.
- WELL, HE IS PRETTY OLD.
MAYBE WE SHOULD CUT HIM SOME SLACK.
- AAH!
IT PISSES ME OFF.
[thud]
KILLIN' ME!
- IN EARLY 1931,
A FRUSTRATED GLANARD FRUGNER WAS OUT OF IDEAS.
HE NEEDED SOMETHING NEW.
WORKING LATE INTO THE AFTERNOON,
HE STUMBLED UPON A NEW DESIGN--
SEVEN CRUDELY DRAWN YOUNG MEN,
WITH SIMILAR ETHNICITIES AND PLAIN FIRST NAMES.
THOSE CHARACTERS WERE NONE OTHER
THAN THE BIRTHDAY BOYS.
THE BOYS WENT THROUGH
SEVERAL INCARNATIONS OVER THE YEARS.
BUT THROUGH IT ALL,
THEY ALWAYS HAD ONE THING--FEET.
AND THAT'S WHAT ATTRACTED BILLIONAIRE TADASHI TANAKA
OF TADASHI TANAKA INDUSTRIES,
THE INTERNATIONAL FOOTWEAR CONGLOMERATE
WHO CHEAPLY ACQUIRED LICENSING RIGHTS
TO ALL FRUGNER PROPERTIES.
HE USED THEM AS CORPORATE BRANDING,
A THINLY VEILED ADVERTISEMENT FOR HIS SHOES.
- WEAR FLIP-FLOPS, THEY'RE GOOD FOR YOUR SPINE.
- HEY, TECHIE, I LOVE YOU.
- * THAT'S HOW THEY BECAME GOOFY ROOFERS *
- MY SHOE!
*
- * I WORE A VEST AND A PUMPKIN FOR A SHOE *
- UNFORTUNATELY, IN THE END,
FRUGNER AND ALL OF HIS CHARACTERS
NEVER DID CATCH ON WITH THE PUBLIC.
EXCEPT OVERSEAS,
WHERE THEY WERE AN ENORMOUS SENSATION.
[upbeat music]
MERCHANDISING WAS THROUGH THE ROOF,
THEME PARKS WERE ERECTED,
AND THE PUBLIC WAS OVERJOYED.
- [singing in Russian]
- THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M HERE IN YUGOSLAVIA'S FRUGNERLAND
AMUSEMENT PARK AND RESORT.
AND LOOK, HERE ARE SOME OF MY NEW FRIENDS--
THE BIRTHDAY BOYS.
HI, FELLAS.
DO YOU THINK WE SOLD A LOT OF SHOES?
CAN YOU--CAN YOU GUYS TAKE THE HEADS OFF?
I CAN'T HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
TAKE 'EM OFF.
SO HOW DID YOU LIKE DOING THE SHOW?
ALL RIGHT. UH, GREETINGS FROM FRUGNERLAND.
AND REMEMBER-- [clears throat]
GOOD NIGHT.
[upbeat music]
OH, AND IF YOU LIKE GLANARD FRUGNER,
YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT WALT DISNEY.
*