- LIVE FROM TELEVISION STUDIOS IN THE SHOW BUSINESS
CAPITAL OF THE WORLD,
ALL YOUR FAVORITES ARE BACK.
A NEW WHISTLE FROM...
YES, ALL YOUR FAVORITES ARE BACK,
WITH...
FEATURING...
ALL YOUR FAVORITES ARE BACK.
SUCH AS...
A NATURE FILM FROM...
PALLY ST. FRANCIS,
THE CELEBRITY CHEF,
CLOWN,
BEVERLY CHALICE.
- SEEMS KIND OF LIKE A LOT OF ACTS.
- YEAH, I FEEL LIKE THIS SHOW IS OVERBOOKED.
- IT'S GREAT.
IT'S GONNA GO GREAT.
- SO THE NAME OF THE SHOW
IS ALL YOUR FAVORITES ARE BACK?
- YEAH.
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT. IT'S A BIG SHOW.
- I JUST HOPE WE DON'T GET LOST IN THE MIX.
- YEAH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, JEFF.
YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT. BIG SHOW.
- ANOTHER PRANK CALL TO...
ATHENACIOUS ACAPOULOS.
- [laughs]
- CHASH BROWER.
AND ME...
- SOUNDS LIKE SHOWTIME.
[laughter]
- AND OTHERS, SUCH AS ROD SCHNEIDERLANDER.
- [sighs] - LITTLE PETER.
- FOLKS, YOU EVER START TO THINK
THAT MAYBE THE DAY YOU'RE HAVIN'
IS JUST GONNA END UP BEING JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS?
- UGH.
- AND FINALLY, A STORY THAT WILL WARM YOUR HEART.
LOCAL KID JARED MACINTIRE IS NORMAL IN EVERY WAY,
EXCEPT ONE.
HE'S AUTISTIC.
AS THE STUDENT ASSISTANT
FOR JOHNSON HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL TEAM,
HE CAME TO EVERY PRACTICE
AND SUITED UP FOR EVERY GAME
BUT NEVER LEFT THE BENCH.
- GET A TOWEL.
- ALL THAT CHANGED, HOWEVER,
IN THE FINAL MOMENTS AGAINST RIVALS LIBERTY HIGH,
WHEN COACH GRANGER
SIGNALED JARED TO GET IN THE GAME.
- OH, JARED HAS A LOT OF HEART, YOU KNOW?
WE WERE DOWN BY A BUNCH OF POINTS WITH, LIKE,
THREE MINUTES LEFT, SO I FIGURED,
"WHAT THE HECK? GIVE THE KID A SHOT."
- WHAT HAPPENED NEXT SHOCKED EVERYONE.
ON HIS FIRST PLAY IN,
JARED HIT A PERFECT THREE-POINTER,
AND THE CROWD WENT CRAZY.
BUT JARED WASN'T DONE.
IN THE NEXT TWO MINUTES,
HE FOLLOWED THAT UP WITH A SECOND THREE-POINTER...
[cheers and applause]
SUNK TWO FREE THROWS
AND THEN MADE EIGHT MORE THREE-POINTERS.
[cheers and applause]
HE EVEN ATTEMPTED A SLAM DUNK,
WHICH HE MADE...
- WHAT THE HELL? GOD DAMN IT.
- LEADING HIS TEAM TO A CRUSHING 37-POINT VICTORY.
[buzzer sounds]
[cheers and applause]
- I JUST DID WHAT I THOUGHT WAS RIGHT, YOU KNOW?
THE KID DESERVED A CHANCE.
I MEAN, FORGET HOW THE GAME TURNED OUT.
HE INSPIRED EVERYONE.
- HE HAD AUTISM?
WELL, HOW DO WE GET SOME OF THAT FOR MY PLAYERS?
HE CRUSHED US. HE CRUSHED OUR SPIRITS.
YOU LET THE KID HAVE HIS MOMENT.
NOW GET HIM-- GET HIM OUT.
PUT HIM IN THE LOCKER ROOM.
LET HIM DO THE LAUNDRY OR WHATEVER HE DOES.
- YEAH, EVERYBODY LOVES JARED.
IT'S GREAT TO SEE HIM MAKE THOSE SHOTS.
"WHY DOESN'T HE PLAY MORE?"
- JARED GRADUATES THIS YEAR,
AND A ROVING COLLEGE RECRUITER
WAS SHOWN TAPES OF HIM AT WORK.
WE ASKED ABOUT THE SUPER KID'S CHANCES
OF PLAYING COLLEGE BALL, AND HE HAD THIS TO SAY.
- WELL, JARED'S GOT A BIG HEART. A TON OF HEART.
AND HE HITS EVERY SINGLE THREE-POINTER CLEAN.
IT'S INSANE.
BUT, UH, NO.
NO. HE CAN'T PLAY COLLEGE BALL.
I MEAN, BECAUSE OF THE AUTISM.
HE COULDN'T HANDLE THE COURSE LOAD.
- BUT JARED GETS STRAIGHT "A"s,
AND HE'S IN A.P. MATH AND SCIENCE.
- WELL-- WELL, THERE YOU GO.
- I DON'T KNOW, I-- JUST WHEN HE JOINED THE TEAM,
I WAS TOLD THAT HE WAS AUTISTIC,
SO I GUESS I THOUGHT THAT
I SHOULDN'T--
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST THOUGHT HE WAS SPECIAL,
SO I SHOULD LET HIM PLAY LESS...
OR MAYBE I SHOULD LET HIM PLAY MORE.
I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.
I'M A SUBSTITUTE, UM, COACH.
- SO LET'S HEAR IT FOR LOCAL 7'S KID OF THE WEEK,
SUBSTITUTE COACH GRANGER.
[all screaming]
- * HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON *
* WE'RE COMIN' TO BE WITH YOU *
* HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON *
* WE'VE GOT A LOT TO LOSE
* TAKE US AWAY ON A MAGICAL TRIP *
* WE'RE READY TO SING AND PLAY *
* TAKE US AWAY ON A COLORFUL JOURNEY *
* WE'VE BEEN WAITIN' AROUND ALL DAY *
* WE WANT TO START A BRAND-NEW DAY *
* AND THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU DID
* SOMETHING BIG IS HAPPENING
* WE'D LIKE TO BE INCLUDED
* LET'S GO AWAY AND WE'LL NEVER COME BACK *
* IT'S THE SCENE THAT CAN'T BE BEAT *
* SO ALL ABOARD THE MAGIC TRAIN *
* PLEASE SAVE US A SEAT
* HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON *
* WE'RE COMING TO BE WITH YOU *
* WE CAN'T KEEP UP, DON'T START WITHOUT US *
* WE WANT TO JOIN THE SHOW
* WE'RE ALL ALONE, WHERE'D YOU GO? *
* WE WISH YOU'D LEFT A NOTE
* OH, WELL, OH, WELL, OH, WELL, OH, WELL *
* WE JUST DON'T KNOW THE WAY
* OH, WELL, OH, WELL, OH, WELL, OH, WELL *
* TODAY WON'T BE THE DAY
- SINKY SAILOR.
ZEEK THE ZOOKEEPER.
- [laughs]
- ZUZU AND ZOEY.
- HEY, AT LEAST THEY'RE ON THE "Z"s.
MUST BE ALMOST DONE.
- ZEUS ZENOBIA.
- IT'S NOT ALPHABETICAL.
YOU GOT A LITTLE TOO MUCH PEPPER IN YOUR STEP.
COME ON, CALM DOWN.
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
- ANOTHER PERFORMANCE FROM...
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DENNY.
DID YOU GET EVERYTHING YOU WANTED?
- SURE DID, MOM.
- WELL, THERE'S ONE MORE SURPRISE.
NO BIRTHDAY WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT A VISIT FROM WOOSH!
- WOOSH!
[all clapping]
* HELLO, I'M WOOSH
* AND I CAME DOWN FROM SPACE
* I TRAVELED FOR MILES
* TO PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE *
* YO, DENNY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY
* YOU'RE COOL
* MY HOME IS MARS AND THE TRIP IS LONG *
* BUT IT'S WORTH IT TO SING YOU *
* THIS BIRTHDAY SONG
* YO, DENNY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY
* YOU'RE COOL
- THAT WAS AWESOME.
[all clapping]
- BYE. BYE, EVERYONE.
- CAN'T YOU STAY FOR A PIECE OF CAKE?
- I-I WISH I COULD, DENNY,
BUT THERE ARE A LOT OF OTHER BIRTHDAYS
I NEED TO GET TO.
- OKAY, THANKS, WOOSH.
BUH-BYE.
- BYE.
* BLURP-BLARP-BLEEP AND A HAPPY BIRTHDAY *
* YO, MARISSA, HAPPY BIRTHDAY
* YOU'RE COOL
* NEVER TOO OLD TO CELEBRATE IN SPACE *
* YO, ANGUS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY *
* YOU'RE COOL
* MY NAME'S WOOSH
* AND I'M HERE TO SAY
* YO, CHRIS
* HAPPY BIRTHDAY
* YOU'RE COOL
* MY NAME'S WOOSH AND I'M HERE TO SAY *
* YO, TONY--YO, JESS-- YO, DAN--YO, CARL-- *
* YO, DEBBIE--YO, DANIELLE-- YO, NEIL--DYLAN--SHARINE-- *
* ARMIN--ANDY--PARIS-- JORGE--JAMAL-- *
* EDDIE--AARON--CHAZ-- AARON--PAT-- *
* YO, ARLO, HAPPY BIRTHDAY *
* YOU'RE COOL
* COOL--COOL--COOL--COOL-- COOL--COOL--COOL--COOL *
* C-C-C-C-C-COOL
[sobbing]
* HELLO, I'M WOOSH, AND I LIVE HERE IN SPACE *
* BUT I'M ALL ALONE, TEARS STREAMIN' DOWN MY FACE *
* HEY, WOOSH, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY *
* AND YOU'RE ALONE
* AGAIN
[crying]
[garbled wailing]
- IT'S A BIG SHOW.
I GOT A LOT OF CLIENTS ON IT.
MOST OF THEM HAVE RIDERS IN THEIR CONTRACTS.
THAT'S THINGS THAT THEY WANT BACKSTAGE
WAITING FOR THEM.
CHASH BROWER ASKED FOR CANDIED SHRIMP.
THAT WAS AN EASY GET. WE'RE IN KOREATOWN.
ALVIN LIGHTHEART ASKED FOR...
COLLAR DUST.
THAT'S DUST THAT YOU PUT ON YOUR COLLAR, YOU KNOW, TO--
I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT DOES.
YOU KNOW, INTERESTING FACT,
RICHARD TRICK-CARD'S REAL NAME IS RICHARD TRICKARD.
THERE'S NO HYPHEN, SO...
D'GALTER WALF WANTED, UM,
- MASCULINE MOM.
- NIBLETS.
- DUCKY POWELL.
- CORN NIBLETS.
DOUG "ALOHA" MAKANA ASKED FOR ASSORTED CONDOMS.
UH, NOPE.
M&Ms.
PORKER LEVANCE WANTED FINANCIAL COMPENSATION.
- DISCO DAN.
- PRETTY STANDARD STUFF, I'D SAY.
- THERE'S A SAYING, "YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR."
BUT HERE AT MARTY'S,
WE ASK THAT YOU PAY FOR WHAT YOU GET.
I'M MARTY WALTERS, AND MY FAMILY RESTAURANT
HAS BEEN AROUND FOR GENERATIONS.
ONE THING HAS NEVER CHANGED:
GREAT MEALS AT A GREAT PRICE.
BUT YOU THE PRICE TO GET THE MEAL.
TRY OUR NEW BARBECUE PORK RIBS--
IT'LL COST YOU $12.99, THOUGH--
OR OUR SAVORY SURF AND TURF, BUT
ONLY IF YOU HAVE ABOUT 20 BUCKS ON YOU.
IF YOU ONLY HAVE $10,
YOU CAN'T HAVE THE SURF AND TURF.
YOU'RE ONLY HALFWAY THERE.
ENJOY YOUR MEAL, FOLKS? - YEAH.
- AND DID YOU MANAGE TO PAY FOR IT OKAY?
- UH, YEAH.
- FANTASTIC.
SO COME ON DOWN TO MARTY'S.
BE COGNIZANT OF SALES TAX AND TIP.
- OFF ROUTE 3 IN LACONIA, NEW HAMPSHIRE.
- MATTER REDUCTION IS A DELICATE PROCESS.
EVERY ANSWER SCIENCE PROVIDES YIELDS NEW QUESTIONS.
WHAT DRIVES US?
COMPETITION?
AN ALPHA DESIRE TO WAVE THE BIGGEST STICK?
- YOUR MACHINE BETTER WORK.
IT'S COST ME A FORTUNE.
- FEAR NOT, SIR BIRMINGHAM.
TONIGHT, WE MAKE HISTORY.
[laughs]
- AH, SIR BIRMINGHAM.
I PRESENT TO YOU THE WORLD'S FIRST SHRINK RAY.
- EXCELLENT.
THE FIRST TEST SUBJECT WILL BE THIS--
- WILL BE ME.
THE FIRST TEST SUBJECT WILL BE ME.
NOW, DON'T QUIVER WITH FEAR.
I HAVE COMPLETE FAITH IN SCIENCE, AND THIS WILL WORK.
- DAMN IT! IT DOESN'T WORK!
- WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
IT DID WORK.
IT SHRUNK MY DICK.
[laughing]
- WHAT?
- IT WORKS.
FASCINATING.
[laughing]
- IT'S BEEN SHRUNK TO ALMOST NOTHING.
IT WORKS!
BIRMINGHAM, COME SEE WHAT PROGRESS LOOKS LIKE.
- IT IS UNBELIEVABLY TINY.
- YES.
SO MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, EH?
- HOLD ON.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT JUST SCARED OR COLD?
- NO.
NO, I'M NOT JUST SCARED OR COLD.
IT WORKS.
LOOK, WE'LL DO THE FICUS PLANT.
LOGAN!
- DAMN IT ALL!
SEE? NOTHING.
- WAIT.
NOT NOTHING.
SOMETHING.
MY DICK!
IT'S BEEN SHRUNK!
- WHAT?
- AND MINE AS WELL.
- WAIT, WHAT?
- MY DICK, IT'S BEEN SHRUNK.
- BUT YOU WEREN'T STANDING ANYWHERE NEAR
THE TARGET AREA.
- YES, BUT LOOK FOR YOURSELF.
[laughs]
GO AHEAD.
- IS THAT IT THERE?
- YES.
- HOLD ON, EVERYONE.
I SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
YOUR DICKS WERE ALL SMALL TO BEGIN WITH,
AND THIS IS ALL JUST AN ELABORATE RUSE TO SWINDLE ME
OUT OF MY FUNDING MONEY.
- WHAT?
- NO, I ASSURE YOU,
I HAD A--A BIG DICK BEFORE.
ALMOST TOO BIG.
[laughs]
- I DON'T BUY IT!
YOU'RE ALL SMALL-DICKED CRIMINALS,
AND I'LL SEE TO IT THAT YOU NEVER WORK AGAIN!
[energy crackles]
- THERE, NOW YOUR DICK'S SHRUNK TOO
AND YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE US.
- IT ISN'T SHRUNK AT ALL.
THIS SHRINK RAY DOESN'T WORK.
MY DICK'S THE SAME SIZE IT'S ALWAYS BEEN.
- OH, REALLY?
IT DIDN'T SHRINK YOUR DICK?
- LOOKS PRETTY SMALL TO ME.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, LOGAN?
- YEAH, IF THAT WAS JUST A REGULAR DICK
THAT HADN'T BEEN HIT BY A SHRINK RAY,
I'D SAY IT WAS EMBARRASSINGLY SMALL.
- [laughs] YES.
- UH...
IT WORKS!
- AH.
- IT WORKS!
- YAY!
- HEY!
- THE SHRINK RAY WORKS...
- YES IT DOES. - AFTER ALL.
- HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S GOING ON?
DOES THE SHRINK RAY WORK?
all: YES!
- GREAT. CAN I SEE THE RESULTS?
all: NO!
- WHY? 'CAUSE I'M A WOMAN?
all: YES!
- ARE YOU GUYS JUST PRETENDING IT WORKS
'CAUSE YOU ALL HAVE SMALL DICKS?
all: YES.
- GUYS, SIZE DOESN'T MATTER.
PERSONALITY IS WAY MORE IMPOR--
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU GUYS DID IT.
all: YAY. [cork pops]
- MMM.
WHAT A NICE MEAL, HUH?
YOU GUYS READY TO GO?
- MM-HMM. - YEP.
- HEY, FOLKS.
- HI.
- HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR MEALS TODAY.
THE CASHIER'S RIGHT OVER THERE BY THE FRONT DOOR.
YOU CAN PAY WITH CASH, CHECK, DEBIT,
AND ALL MAJOR CREDIT CARDS.
- OH, WE WERE GONNA USE THIS GIFT CERTIFICATE
WE GOT FROM OUR NEIGHBORS.
- WHOA, A $50 GIFT CARD.
THIS IS WORTH $50 AT THE REGISTER.
- RIGHT.
- BUT THE PRICE OF THE FOOD CAN'T EXCEED
THE VALUE OF THE GIFT CERTIFICATE.
- OKAY.
- YOU CAN PAY THE DIFFERENCE
WITH CASH, CHECK, DEBIT, OR CREDIT.
- OKAY, I'LL PUT THE REST ON MY DEBIT CARD.
- FANTASTIC.
HEY, LITTLE FELLA.
ONE DAY, YOU'LL BE PAYING FOR MEALS OF YOUR OWN.
HERE, HAVE A MINT.
THEY'RE FREE AT THE COUNTER.
I HAVE TO TRUST THAT PEOPLE WILL ONLY TAKE ONE OR TWO.
BUT I WILL ADMIT, IT BURNS ME SOMETIMES
WHEN I SEE SOME FATTY TAKING A HANDFUL
FOR HIS TIGHT, LITTLE POCKETS.
- DUFFER MCMULLIGAN.
DOCTOR DORK.
PRIVATE LONGHAIR.
- ALL RIGHT. IT'S A BIG SHOW, HUH?
[laughter]
- YOU GUYS GO ON IN A MINUTE.
- THE ANGRY PROCTOLOGIST.
AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME OUR SPECIAL GUESTS,
THE BIRTHDAY BOYS,
FEATURING MIKE HANFORD,
TIM KALPAKIS,
JEFF DUTTON,
MIKE MITCHELL,
CHRIS VANARTSDALEN,
MATT KOWALICK,
DAVE FERGUSON,
MARK HAMPTON,
MICK FRANKLIN,
FRIP HANFORDALEN.
- WHAT THE HECK?
- WHEN'D WE GET SO MANY GODDAMN GUYS IN OUR GROUP?
- MITCH KOWALMITCH,
TOM VANDALEMAN,
JAVE FERGFAKIS,
VRIM KALPAKZIPS,
JEFFERIM HANCHELL,
CHIM CHALCHAPKIS.
DIRK JOHNSON,
DUTTS VAN DUTTS,
FERGUSONTON VAN MITCH,
MIKE HANFORDINI,
CHEECH KOWALKIS,
DAVETOPHER MICID JR.,
MIKE MIKE.
- WE'RE COMIN' RIGHT DOWN TO THE WIRE ON THIS ONE.
WE'RE LOSIN' REVENUE BY THE MINUTE, DAMN IT.
- OH, THE F.T.C. IS GONNA BE ON OUR ASS.
- GOT TO LOCK IT IN NOW
OR WE'RE GONNA LOSE OUR INTEREST RATES.
- NO, NO, NO! GOD DAMN!
ANOTHER QUARTER IN THE RED.
WE NEED A MIRACLE.
GOT ANYTHING, MERTZ?
- I MIGHT.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING OVER THE QUARTERLY EARNINGS GOAL,
AND IT'S PRETTY CLEAR WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT.
BUT THERE IS ONE SLIVER OF GOOD NEWS.
THERE'S A PRETTY GOOD CHANCE THAT THERE'S NO AFTERLIFE.
WHEN WE DIE, EACH OF US WILL JUST CEASE TO EXIST.
WE'LL JUST STOP.
AND WE'LL NEVER SEE OUR FRIENDS OR FAMILIES
OR LOVED ONES EVER AGAIN.
THEY'LL BE GONE, AND WE'LL BE GONE IN A BLACK ABYSS.
WITH THAT IN MIND, I'VE BEEN CRUNCHING THE NUMBERS
ON THE QUARTERLY EARNINGS GOAL,
AND IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE THIS IS SOMETHING
WE SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT.
- WELL, WELL, WELL. NOT BAD AT ALL.
all: WHOO!
- [laughs]
YOU LIKE THAT?
[laughter]
- NO WORRIES.
TELL HIM IT'S NO BIGGIE, OKAY?
TALK TO YOU LATER, BUD.
[laughing]
YEAH.
- SLAM DUNK. OH!
[all cheering]
- WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON?
YOU SONS OF BITCHES MISSED THE DEADLINE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT'LL MEAN
TO THE INVESTORS?
- UM, MERTZ?
- UH, WELL, WE JUST FIGURED
THAT THERE'S NO AFTERLIFE.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT.
[all cheering]
- I'LL GO TELL THE INVESTORS.
[all cheering]
- YEAH!
- NO AFTERLIFE!
[party horn blows]
[all singing conga line song]
- AND SO THE RELIEVED BUSINESSMEN WHILED AWAY
THE REST OF THEIR DAYS
FREE FROM THE WEIGHT OF THEIR WORRIES.
EVENTUALLY, THEIR CORPORATION WENT BANKRUPT,
AND WHEN THEY DIED,
THEY DID INDEED CEASE TO EXIST.
[festive music]
*
- ARTS VANPAKIS.
CHRISTON DAVE MATTS,
JACK FERGALICK.
- I MEAN, WITH ALL THESE GUYS IN THIS GROUP,
IS ANYONE EVEN GONNA NOTICE US?
WHAT'S THE POINT?
- YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE?
- YEAH, LET'S GO.
- HARRISON MITCHDALEN.
- AND SO THE BIRTHDAY BOYS
WENT ON TO GREAT FAME AND FORTUNE.
WELL, NOT THESE ONES--
THE OTHER 82 GOOF ONES.
THE ORIGINAL SEVEN HERE LEFT THE STUDIO
AND QUIT SHOW BUSINESS.
THEY EVENTUALLY DIED AND CEASED TO EXIST.
MIKE HANFORD BECAME A PILE OF ASHES.
DAVE FERGUSON NO LONGER LIVES.
TIM KALPAKIS IS JUST BONES.
THE BELOVED MITCH KOWALMITCH HAS TRAGICALLY PASSED.
CHIM CHALCHAPKIS LIVES ON IN OUR MEMORY.
MARK HAMPTON IS IN OUR HEARTS.
WHENEVER THE WIND BLOWS THROUGH THE AUTUMN LEAVES,
HE IS WITH YOU.
AND ME...
I'M MORGMAN FREEMONT,
AND I'M DOIN' JUST FINE.
- ABSOLUTELY.