1 00:00:08,719 --> 00:00:09,786 - [chuckling] 2 00:00:09,820 --> 00:00:11,255 - SO I TELL HER, "GET ME A NEW SET OF CLUBS, RIGHT?" 3 00:00:11,288 --> 00:00:12,589 - YEAH. - YOU KNOW WHAT SHE GETS ME? 4 00:00:12,623 --> 00:00:14,491 ANOTHER WATCH. - AW! 5 00:00:14,525 --> 00:00:16,327 - [laughs] - WELL, WE'RE SCREWED. 6 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:17,761 IF FIELDER AND GRAY CAN'T DIG ITSELF 7 00:00:17,794 --> 00:00:19,496 OUT OF THIS FINANCIAL CRISIS, 8 00:00:19,530 --> 00:00:21,532 WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO FILE FOR CLASS-B BANKRUPTCY. 9 00:00:21,565 --> 00:00:23,134 - I DON'T GET IT. 10 00:00:23,167 --> 00:00:24,868 - WE BORROWED EQUITY AGAINST A LOW A.P.A., 11 00:00:24,901 --> 00:00:26,403 AND NOW WE DON'T HAVE THE FUNDS TO PAY BACK 12 00:00:26,437 --> 00:00:28,272 THE IRA LOAN-OUTS WE ACCRUED. 13 00:00:28,305 --> 00:00:29,573 DO YOU GET IT NOW, TASKER? - NO, I KNOW. 14 00:00:29,606 --> 00:00:31,508 WHY DON'T WE JUST EXPAND OUR PAYOUT RATIO? 15 00:00:31,542 --> 00:00:34,378 - IF YOU THINK NASDAQ ISN'T GONNA RED FLAG US FOR THAT, 16 00:00:34,411 --> 00:00:36,280 YOU'RE NUTTIER THAN GRANDMA'S CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE. 17 00:00:36,313 --> 00:00:38,115 - GIVE ME A BREAK, FRANKLIN. 18 00:00:38,149 --> 00:00:40,484 I'M ONLY A FIRST-YEAR BROKER WITH A FINANCE CPA, GAH! 19 00:00:40,517 --> 00:00:42,719 - OH, DON'T WORRY, TASKER. WE CAN TELL. 20 00:00:42,753 --> 00:00:44,555 - YO, GUYS, WE COULD ALWAYS FREEZE 21 00:00:44,588 --> 00:00:46,623 OUR QUARTER MARKET VALUE FOR THE TIME BEING. 22 00:00:46,657 --> 00:00:48,759 - YEAH, BUT THAT WOULD ONLY INFLATE OUR G.T.C. ORDER AND... 23 00:00:48,792 --> 00:00:51,495 all: DECREASE THE INTRINSIC VALUE OF OUR INVESTMENT CAPITAL, 24 00:00:51,528 --> 00:00:53,464 LEAVING AN UNCHECKED DEFICIT IN OUTUAL STOCK OPTIONS. 25 00:00:53,497 --> 00:00:54,865 - DAMN IT! 26 00:00:54,898 --> 00:00:56,467 - ALL WE GOTTA DO IS SWITCH THE BIDS 27 00:00:56,500 --> 00:00:58,502 AND PRICE LIMIT ORDERS BY THE THIRD QUARTER. 28 00:00:58,535 --> 00:01:00,304 ALTHOUGH THAT WOULD DRIVE THE OPEN-ENDED SECURITIES WAY DOWN. 29 00:01:00,337 --> 00:01:01,705 DAMN IT! 30 00:01:01,738 --> 00:01:03,574 - GUYS, WE'LL JUST RUN THE BUSINESS TRUST 31 00:01:03,607 --> 00:01:05,709 THROUGH A CAPITAL GAINS CLIENT ORDER. 32 00:01:05,742 --> 00:01:08,312 - BUSINESS TRUST THROUGH A CAPITAL GAINS CLIENT ORDER? 33 00:01:08,345 --> 00:01:10,714 TASKER, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 34 00:01:10,747 --> 00:01:12,216 - YEAH, WHAT DID YOU DO? 35 00:01:12,249 --> 00:01:13,850 JUST LOOK UP A BUNCH OF STOCK TERMS 36 00:01:13,884 --> 00:01:15,552 AND STRING 'EM INTO A SENTENCE? 37 00:01:15,586 --> 00:01:17,388 [laughter] 38 00:01:17,421 --> 00:01:19,623 - CONFERENCE ROOM, NOW! 39 00:01:19,656 --> 00:01:21,792 - ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS UNDERWRITE OUR HEDGE ASSETS 40 00:01:21,825 --> 00:01:24,628 BEFORE THE NEXT TRADING SESSION, AND WE'RE GOLDEN. 41 00:01:24,661 --> 00:01:26,563 - BEFORE THE NEXT TRADING SESSION? 42 00:01:26,597 --> 00:01:27,731 THAT'S ILLEGAL. 43 00:01:27,764 --> 00:01:30,234 AND WORSE, IT'S IMMORAL. 44 00:01:30,267 --> 00:01:31,835 [laughter] 45 00:01:31,868 --> 00:01:34,705 - TASKER, YOU REALLY ARE A FIRST-YEAR BROKER 46 00:01:34,738 --> 00:01:37,508 WITH A FINANCE CPA. [laughter] 47 00:01:37,541 --> 00:01:41,512 RELAX, PAL. THIS IS HOW THE WORLD WORKS. 48 00:01:41,545 --> 00:01:44,215 [laughter] 49 00:01:49,353 --> 00:01:51,822 - HI, FOLKS. I'M MIKE HANFORD. 50 00:01:51,855 --> 00:01:53,824 I THINK WE MADE OUR POINT HERE, RIGHT? 51 00:01:53,857 --> 00:01:56,460 WALL STREET. WHAT A MESS. 52 00:01:56,493 --> 00:01:57,894 - HERE'S WHAT WE'D LIKE TO SAY 53 00:01:57,928 --> 00:02:01,198 TO THOSE FAT CATS DOWN ON MADISON AVENUE. 54 00:02:01,232 --> 00:02:04,501 NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. 55 00:02:04,535 --> 00:02:06,503 YOU GOT TOO MANY TERMS, OKAY? 56 00:02:06,537 --> 00:02:09,573 TOO MANY COMPLICATED TERMS. - YEAH. 57 00:02:09,606 --> 00:02:12,776 YEAH, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE MAKING US LOOK AND FEEL LIKE IDIOTS. 58 00:02:12,809 --> 00:02:15,512 SO SIMPLIFY IT, WALL STREET. GOT IT? 59 00:02:17,614 --> 00:02:20,584 [upbeat music] 60 00:02:20,617 --> 00:02:28,592 * 61 00:02:30,561 --> 00:02:33,997 - AH. GOOD EVENING, FOLKS. 62 00:02:34,030 --> 00:02:35,732 I WANTED TO TAKE A MOMENT TO CLARIFY SOMETHING 63 00:02:35,766 --> 00:02:37,634 BEFORE WE MOVE ON. 64 00:02:37,668 --> 00:02:39,436 THE "SKEWERED" STAMP 65 00:02:39,470 --> 00:02:41,638 THAT YOU SAW SLAM ONTO THE SCREEN A MOMENT AGO 66 00:02:41,672 --> 00:02:44,775 WAS USED TO INDICATE THAT THE AFOREMENTIONED TOPIC 67 00:02:44,808 --> 00:02:46,877 HAS BEEN SATIRIZED COMPLETELY. 68 00:02:46,910 --> 00:02:49,346 THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO SATIRIZE ABOUT IT. 69 00:02:49,380 --> 00:02:51,848 IT'S DONE. IT'S OVER. 70 00:02:51,882 --> 00:02:54,685 NOW, THE WORD "SKEWERED" IS SOMETIMES USED 71 00:02:54,718 --> 00:02:57,754 IN BARBECUE PARLANCE TO REFER TO PUNCTURED 72 00:02:57,788 --> 00:02:59,956 OR STUCK FOODSTUFFS. 73 00:02:59,990 --> 00:03:03,460 BUT ON THIS PROGRAM, WE USE THE WORD TO REFER TO SUBJECTS 74 00:03:03,494 --> 00:03:05,829 THAT HAVE BEEN SHOT CLEAN THROUGH 75 00:03:05,862 --> 00:03:07,431 WITH AN ARROW OF SCRUTINY 76 00:03:07,464 --> 00:03:11,335 AND ROASTED OVER FLAMES OF HUMOR AND TRUTH. 77 00:03:11,368 --> 00:03:14,805 ALL RIGHT? 78 00:03:14,838 --> 00:03:20,477 AND LET'S KEEP DOING THE SHOW NOW. 79 00:03:20,511 --> 00:03:21,612 [sizzling] 80 00:03:21,645 --> 00:03:23,947 - THIS WAS IT. 81 00:03:23,980 --> 00:03:26,450 AFTER THREE LONG DAYS OF TESTIMO 82 00:03:26,483 --> 00:03:27,918 WITH WITNESS AFTER WITNESS 83 00:03:27,951 --> 00:03:30,621 CLAIMING I'D KILLED MY BELOVED RUTHIE MAY, 84 00:03:30,654 --> 00:03:32,856 IT SEEMED MY TRIAL HAD REACHED ITS BOILING POINT. 85 00:03:32,889 --> 00:03:34,858 - ORDER! ORDER! 86 00:03:34,891 --> 00:03:36,627 - WELL, THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR. 87 00:03:36,660 --> 00:03:38,662 I BELIEVE IT'S QUITE CLEAR TO US ALL 88 00:03:38,695 --> 00:03:41,798 THAT WE HAVE REACHED A STALEMATE HERE TODAY. 89 00:03:41,832 --> 00:03:46,870 NOW, IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF CONTRADICTORY TESTIMONY. 90 00:03:46,903 --> 00:03:49,573 NO, THAT AIN'T IT. 91 00:03:49,606 --> 00:03:51,875 AND IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF A LACK OF EVIDENCE. 92 00:03:51,908 --> 00:03:53,744 HECK, WE GOT A MOUNTAIN OF THE STUFF. 93 00:03:53,777 --> 00:03:55,779 - YEP. - MM-HMM. 94 00:03:55,812 --> 00:03:59,350 - BUT IT IS BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT THIS HERE COURTROOM 95 00:03:59,383 --> 00:04:01,452 IS TOO DAMN SWEATY! 96 00:04:01,485 --> 00:04:03,620 [overlapping chatter] 97 00:04:03,654 --> 00:04:05,889 HERE WE ARE TRYING TO UPHOLD THE LAW, 98 00:04:05,922 --> 00:04:07,691 AND EVERY TIME WE TRY TO SPEAK, 99 00:04:07,724 --> 00:04:09,860 WE GOT TO DEAL WITH THE STICKY AND THE SALTY, 100 00:04:09,893 --> 00:04:11,762 THE DRIPPING AND THE BEADING, 101 00:04:11,795 --> 00:04:13,530 THE SLIPPING AND THE SLIDING, 102 00:04:13,564 --> 00:04:15,599 THE SLISHING AND THE SLOSHING! 103 00:04:15,632 --> 00:04:16,867 [overlapping chatter] 104 00:04:16,900 --> 00:04:18,435 - WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS? 105 00:04:18,469 --> 00:04:19,803 - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 106 00:04:19,836 --> 00:04:22,373 I WOULD LIKE TO CALL YOUR ATTENTION 107 00:04:22,406 --> 00:04:24,775 TO THE THERMOMETER ON THE WALL. 108 00:04:24,808 --> 00:04:26,677 [indistinct chatter, all gasp] 109 00:04:26,710 --> 00:04:28,545 - MR. PEPPERWATER, 110 00:04:28,579 --> 00:04:31,114 CAN YOU SEE THE THERMOMETER THAT I'M SPEAKING OF? 111 00:04:31,147 --> 00:04:32,649 - I CAN, YES. 112 00:04:32,683 --> 00:04:34,618 - WELL, THAT'S REAL GOOD. 113 00:04:34,651 --> 00:04:38,522 WOULD YOU MIND READING IT FOR US? 114 00:04:40,457 --> 00:04:42,893 - 104 DEGREES! 115 00:04:42,926 --> 00:04:45,696 - 104 FAHRENHEIT DEGREES. 116 00:04:45,729 --> 00:04:47,498 THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A HIGH TEMPERATURE, 117 00:04:47,531 --> 00:04:49,400 AND I BELIEVE THAT AS A RESULT OF THIS TEMPERATURE, 118 00:04:49,433 --> 00:04:52,369 THE COURTROOM HAS BECOME VERY, VERY SWEATY! 119 00:04:52,403 --> 00:04:53,604 THANK YOU! 120 00:04:53,637 --> 00:04:54,838 [indistinct chatter, gavel banging] 121 00:04:54,871 --> 00:04:56,373 - AMEN! - OH, EXCELLENT. 122 00:04:56,407 --> 00:04:58,509 NOW, DEFENSE, YOU MAY PROCEED. 123 00:04:58,542 --> 00:05:01,445 - THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR. 124 00:05:01,478 --> 00:05:06,917 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M DAZZLED. 125 00:05:06,950 --> 00:05:11,154 I AM IMPRESSED AND ENTERTAINED BY THE LITTLE SHOW 126 00:05:11,187 --> 00:05:12,923 THAT THE PROSECUTOR'S BEEN PUTTING ON. 127 00:05:12,956 --> 00:05:14,925 AND THAT'S ALL IT IS. 128 00:05:14,958 --> 00:05:16,660 IT'S A SHOW. DON'T BE FOOLED. 129 00:05:16,693 --> 00:05:18,495 SURE, HE'LL GET US ALL EXCITED 130 00:05:18,529 --> 00:05:20,964 AND WOW US WITH FANCY TALK 131 00:05:20,997 --> 00:05:23,467 OF THERMOMETERS AND FAHRENHEIT AND DEGREES, 132 00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:28,138 BUT WHAT HE WON'T TALK ABOUT IS WHY, DEAR GOD, 133 00:05:28,171 --> 00:05:31,675 WHY ARE WE ALL WEARING SUCH HOT CLOTHING? 134 00:05:31,708 --> 00:05:33,677 [all gasp] 135 00:05:33,710 --> 00:05:35,779 - I LOOK AROUND THIS COURTROOM TODAY, AND I SEE NYLON. 136 00:05:35,812 --> 00:05:39,015 I SEE RAYON, I SEE SATIN AND POLYESTER. 137 00:05:39,049 --> 00:05:41,184 I THINK IF WE LOOK IN THE MIRROR, 138 00:05:41,217 --> 00:05:42,753 WE MIGHT FIND THAT MAYBE, 139 00:05:42,786 --> 00:05:45,656 JUST MAYBE, WE ARE ALL TO BLAME. 140 00:05:45,689 --> 00:05:46,790 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 141 00:05:46,823 --> 00:05:49,460 - YES. - YES, MM-HMM. 142 00:05:49,493 --> 00:05:52,863 - YOUR HONOR, AS THE STENOGRAPHER IN THIS CASE, 143 00:05:52,896 --> 00:05:55,966 I REALLY OUGHT TO REMAIN IMPARTIAL. 144 00:05:55,999 --> 00:05:59,035 BUT WHAT TROUBLES ME IS WHY, 145 00:05:59,069 --> 00:06:01,772 WHEN WE TOOK A BRIEF RECESS FOR LUNCH EARLIER, 146 00:06:01,805 --> 00:06:05,709 DID WE ALL EAT SUCH SPICY FOODS? 147 00:06:05,742 --> 00:06:06,877 [all murmuring] 148 00:06:06,910 --> 00:06:08,612 YOU YOURSELF, YOUR HONOR, 149 00:06:08,645 --> 00:06:10,514 HAD A BOWL OF CHILI THAT WAS NOT ONE, 150 00:06:10,547 --> 00:06:14,050 NOT TWO, NOT THREE, NOT FOUR, BUT FIVE ALARMS! 151 00:06:14,084 --> 00:06:15,519 - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE COURT, 152 00:06:15,552 --> 00:06:18,021 I'VE STAYED SILENT LONG ENOUGH. 153 00:06:18,054 --> 00:06:19,990 AS THE DEFENDANT IN THIS TRIAL, 154 00:06:20,023 --> 00:06:22,493 I'D LIKE TO PRESENT EXHIBIT A. 155 00:06:22,526 --> 00:06:25,829 [all murmuring] SPICY PICANTE SAUCE. 156 00:06:25,862 --> 00:06:29,733 SPICY PICANTE SAUCE HAS NO PLACE ON TOP OF CHILI 157 00:06:29,766 --> 00:06:32,836 THAT IS ALREADY OF THE FIVE-ALARM PERSUASION. 158 00:06:32,869 --> 00:06:34,738 - AND WHAT ABOUT OUR AFTER LUNCH DRINKS? 159 00:06:34,771 --> 00:06:36,773 HOT TODDIES, SPICY SARSAPARILLA. 160 00:06:36,807 --> 00:06:38,041 all: OH! 161 00:06:38,074 --> 00:06:39,543 - PEPPERMINT PUNCH. all: OH! 162 00:06:39,576 --> 00:06:40,711 - I--OOH. 163 00:06:40,744 --> 00:06:42,813 [all gasp] 164 00:06:42,846 --> 00:06:45,248 - SHE DIED! 165 00:06:45,281 --> 00:06:47,918 [overlapping shouting] 166 00:06:47,951 --> 00:06:49,252 [shouting and gavel banging continue] 167 00:06:49,285 --> 00:06:50,854 - ORDER IN THIS COURT! 168 00:06:50,887 --> 00:06:52,956 NOW IT APPEARS THAT, IN MY SWEATY STATE, 169 00:06:52,989 --> 00:06:55,892 I HAVE LOST TRACK OF PROPER COURTROOM PROCEDURE. 170 00:06:55,926 --> 00:06:59,696 IT IS QUITE UNCOMMON TO ALLOW COMMENTS FROM BOTH LAWYERS, 171 00:06:59,730 --> 00:07:01,698 THE STENOGRAPHER, THE DEFENDANT, 172 00:07:01,732 --> 00:07:04,067 AND THE SWEATY LADY FROM THE BACK OF THE ROOM. 173 00:07:04,100 --> 00:07:06,970 LET'S TRY TO GET BACK ON TRACK, SHALL WE? 174 00:07:07,003 --> 00:07:08,839 MR. MERRIWEATHER, FOREMAN OF THE JURY, 175 00:07:08,872 --> 00:07:11,542 WOULD YOU LIKE TO ADJOURN, READJUDICATE, 176 00:07:11,575 --> 00:07:13,143 AND RETURN WITH A VERDICT? 177 00:07:13,176 --> 00:07:15,612 - NO DELIBERATION TIME WILL BE NECESSARY, YOUR HONOR. 178 00:07:15,646 --> 00:07:19,550 WE THE JURY FIND THIS COURTROOM TO BE TOO SWEATY. 179 00:07:19,583 --> 00:07:20,751 - YEAH! 180 00:07:20,784 --> 00:07:22,085 - WITH THE STICKING AND THE SALTING, 181 00:07:22,118 --> 00:07:23,820 THE SLIPPING AND THE SLOSHING. 182 00:07:23,854 --> 00:07:25,789 - ALL RIGHT, I APPRECIATE THE SENTIMENT. 183 00:07:25,822 --> 00:07:27,691 I MEANT A VERDICT IN THE TRIAL. 184 00:07:27,724 --> 00:07:30,060 - OH, YEAH, WE FIND THE DEFENDANT GUILTY OF MURDER. 185 00:07:30,093 --> 00:07:32,629 - AH. DEFENDANT IS HEREBY SENTENCED TO DEATH. 186 00:07:32,663 --> 00:07:34,965 THIS COURTROOM IS ADJOURNED. 187 00:07:41,037 --> 00:07:43,640 [soft rock music] 188 00:07:43,674 --> 00:07:45,542 - SO DID I TELL YOU WHAT I BOUGHT THE OTHER DAY? 189 00:07:45,576 --> 00:07:47,578 - NO, WHAT? - A HARP. 190 00:07:47,611 --> 00:07:49,245 - THAT'S FANTASTIC. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU PLAYED. 191 00:07:49,279 --> 00:07:50,847 - I DO, AND I'LL TELL YOU, 192 00:07:50,881 --> 00:07:52,583 THIS ONE HAS A REALLY GREAT SOUND TO IT. 193 00:07:52,616 --> 00:07:54,551 - REALLY? [chuckles] 194 00:07:54,585 --> 00:07:55,919 - WELL, ANYWAY, I GOTTA GET GOING. 195 00:07:55,952 --> 00:07:57,888 SEE YOU LATER, BRO. 196 00:07:57,921 --> 00:08:00,791 - HAVE A GOOD ONE. 197 00:08:00,824 --> 00:08:03,560 WOW, A HARP. 198 00:08:03,594 --> 00:08:06,963 I WONDER WHAT THAT WOULD SOUND LIKE. 199 00:08:06,997 --> 00:08:10,000 [dreamy harp music] 200 00:08:10,033 --> 00:08:15,872 * 201 00:08:15,906 --> 00:08:19,743 YEAH. 202 00:08:27,884 --> 00:08:30,020 - AND NOW THEY'RE ATTACKING REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMEN. 203 00:08:30,053 --> 00:08:31,354 - THE REPUBLICAN AGENDA IS UNPOPULAR 204 00:08:31,387 --> 00:08:33,123 EVEN AMONG REPUBLICANS. 205 00:08:33,156 --> 00:08:35,592 - THESE LIBERALS THINK YOUR MONEY BELONGS TO THEM. 206 00:08:35,626 --> 00:08:36,993 - THE CONSERVATIVES CHOOSE TO TREAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE 207 00:08:37,027 --> 00:08:38,228 LIKE CHILDREN. 208 00:08:38,261 --> 00:08:40,096 - OUR NEXT GUEST IS A LIBERAL ACTIVIST. 209 00:08:40,130 --> 00:08:41,865 - SO-CALLED POPULAR REPUBLICAN-- - LIBERALS-- 210 00:08:41,898 --> 00:08:43,199 - CONSERVATIVES-- - LIBEROCRATS-- 211 00:08:43,233 --> 00:08:44,935 - IT WOULD BE NICE TO HEAR SOMETHING 212 00:08:44,968 --> 00:08:46,236 FROM THIS ADMINISTRATION THAT WASN'T COMPLETE B.S., 213 00:08:46,269 --> 00:08:47,938 BUT MAYBE THAT'S JUST ME. 214 00:08:47,971 --> 00:08:49,640 - IS A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA THE ONLY THING YOU NEED 215 00:08:49,673 --> 00:08:51,374 TO JOIN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY THESE DAYS? 216 00:08:51,407 --> 00:08:52,776 - CHECK YOUR FACTS. 217 00:08:52,809 --> 00:08:54,377 - THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND I 218 00:08:54,410 --> 00:08:56,312 IS THAT I AM RIGHT, AND YOU ARE WRONG. 219 00:08:56,346 --> 00:08:57,347 - WRONG. CUT HIS MIC. - HE'S WRONG. 220 00:08:57,380 --> 00:08:59,049 - WR-WR-WRONG. 221 00:08:59,082 --> 00:09:00,851 - WHY DON'T YOU CHECK YOUR OWN NOTES? 222 00:09:00,884 --> 00:09:03,019 BECAUSE YOU MAY FIND THEY'RE WRONG. 223 00:09:03,053 --> 00:09:04,688 - YOU'RE WRONG, YOU'RE WRONG. 224 00:09:04,721 --> 00:09:05,722 - YOU'RE WRONG! - I'LL SHOUT IT OUT ALL I WANT. 225 00:09:05,756 --> 00:09:07,323 I'LL SHOUT IT OUT ALL DAY 226 00:09:07,357 --> 00:09:09,325 BECAUSE IT'S MY SHOW, AND YOU'RE WRONG. 227 00:09:09,359 --> 00:09:10,794 - YOU'RE WRONG! 228 00:09:13,029 --> 00:09:15,165 - I THINK WE MADE OUR POINT, RIGHT? 229 00:09:15,198 --> 00:09:16,767 YOU TURN ON THE TV THESE DAYS, 230 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,669 AND YOU'RE BOMBARDED WITH THIS CRAP. 231 00:09:18,702 --> 00:09:21,772 - TV CHANNELS. THERE'S TOO MANY OF 'EM. 232 00:09:21,805 --> 00:09:23,674 - WE'D LOVE TO WATCH 'EM ALL, 233 00:09:23,707 --> 00:09:28,111 BUT WE'RE JUST SO CONFUSED WITH THE ABUNDANCE OF PROGRAMMING. 234 00:09:28,144 --> 00:09:30,313 - SO, CABLE PROVIDERS, CLEAN IT UP. 235 00:09:30,346 --> 00:09:32,048 ORGANIZE YOUR DIAL... 236 00:09:32,082 --> 00:09:33,817 all: AND MAKE IT EASIER FOR US 237 00:09:33,850 --> 00:09:36,052 TO ENJOY YOUR WONDERFUL CHANNELS. 238 00:09:42,158 --> 00:09:45,128 [heroic music] 239 00:09:45,161 --> 00:09:47,130 * 240 00:09:51,835 --> 00:09:53,436 - FLIGHT. 241 00:09:53,469 --> 00:09:55,939 SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME, MAN HAS DREAMED OF IT, 242 00:09:55,972 --> 00:09:59,910 AND IN 1903, BROTHERS ORVILLE AND WILBUR WRIGHT MADE IT SO. 243 00:09:59,943 --> 00:10:02,813 OF COURSE, BEFORE THE WRIGHT BROTHERS' HISTORIC SUCCESS, 244 00:10:02,846 --> 00:10:05,248 THERE WERE MANY FAILED ATTEMPTS TO TAKE TO THE SKIES. 245 00:10:05,281 --> 00:10:07,984 A RACE TO FLY HAD SWEPT THE NATION. 246 00:10:08,018 --> 00:10:10,821 [whimsical music and sound effects] 247 00:10:10,854 --> 00:10:18,829 * 248 00:10:29,139 --> 00:10:33,009 DID THAT ONE GUY FLY? 249 00:10:33,043 --> 00:10:34,778 PLAY THAT BACK. REWIND THAT. 250 00:10:34,811 --> 00:10:37,748 * 251 00:10:37,781 --> 00:10:41,084 HOLY SHIT. THAT GUY'S FLYING. 252 00:10:41,117 --> 00:10:43,987 LOOK AT HIM GO. 253 00:10:44,020 --> 00:10:46,322 - RIDICULOUS. - NOT REALLY. 254 00:10:46,356 --> 00:10:48,892 LOOK, PLAY IT AGAIN, BUT TURN THOSE SOUND EFFECTS OFF. 255 00:10:48,925 --> 00:10:50,961 - BUT THEN IT WON'T BE FUNNY. 256 00:10:50,994 --> 00:10:54,464 - I DON'T WANT IT TO BE FUNNY, ANGELO. 257 00:10:55,932 --> 00:10:57,467 AH, THIS IS AMAZING. 258 00:10:57,500 --> 00:10:59,302 TOO BAD IT'S SUCH A SHORT CLIP. 259 00:10:59,335 --> 00:11:01,337 - WELL, THERE'S MORE TO IT. I CUT IT DOWN. 260 00:11:01,371 --> 00:11:03,406 THE ORIGINAL FOOTAGE IS RIGHT HERE. 261 00:11:06,209 --> 00:11:08,945 - MAN, I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO HEAR WHAT HE SAID JUST THERE. 262 00:11:08,979 --> 00:11:12,949 - WELL, LET ME TURN THE AUDIO BACK ON. 263 00:11:12,983 --> 00:11:15,151 - I'M FLYING! 264 00:11:15,185 --> 00:11:17,954 IT'S ACTUALLY VERY EASY. 265 00:11:17,988 --> 00:11:20,023 OOH, MY SHOE! 266 00:11:20,056 --> 00:11:22,358 - MY GOD. 267 00:11:22,392 --> 00:11:26,096 THIS GUY FLEW BEFORE THE WRIGHT BROTHERS, ANGELO. 268 00:11:26,129 --> 00:11:28,031 FOR THREE YEARS, I'VE THOUGHT OF NOTHING 269 00:11:28,064 --> 00:11:30,000 BUT THE PIONEERS OF AVIATION, 270 00:11:30,033 --> 00:11:33,770 BUT I NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD. 271 00:11:33,804 --> 00:11:38,842 I GOTTA RETHINK THE WHOLE SHOW. 272 00:11:38,875 --> 00:11:43,113 THE PIONEER OF AVIATION WITH ME, WALLACE HAMPTONS. 273 00:11:43,146 --> 00:11:45,181 FLIGHT. 274 00:11:45,215 --> 00:11:47,183 THE FIRST GUY TO DO IT WAS IN A WEIRD, 275 00:11:47,217 --> 00:11:49,019 UMBRELLA-LOOKING MACHINE. 276 00:11:49,052 --> 00:11:51,354 PROOF IS EASILY FOUND IN THIS LOST FILM FOOTAGE 277 00:11:51,387 --> 00:11:53,890 THAT WE CAN ALL WATCH NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME 278 00:11:53,924 --> 00:11:56,893 WITHOUT A BUNCH OF BOINGS AND SPROINGS ALL OVER IT. 279 00:11:56,927 --> 00:11:57,994 TAKE A LOOK. 280 00:11:58,028 --> 00:11:59,162 [heroic music] 281 00:11:59,195 --> 00:12:01,331 HIS NAME WAS PIP DENNY, 282 00:12:01,364 --> 00:12:03,333 AND THE RECENT DISCOVERY OF HIS ACHIEVEMENT 283 00:12:03,366 --> 00:12:06,002 HAS SENT SHOCKWAVES THROUGH THE AVIATION WORLD. 284 00:12:06,036 --> 00:12:09,039 - OOH, MY SHOE! 285 00:12:09,072 --> 00:12:12,108 - I SAT DOWN WITH THE WRIGHT BROTHERS' GREAT-GRANDSONS 286 00:12:12,142 --> 00:12:15,045 TO HEAR THEIR TAKE ON THE PIP DENNY FILM. 287 00:12:15,078 --> 00:12:16,346 - PIP DENNY. - [laughs] 288 00:12:16,379 --> 00:12:18,514 - NO, NO, NO. I HEARD OF HIM. 289 00:12:18,548 --> 00:12:22,052 THAT LITTLE WEENIE DIDN'T PIONEER SHIT. 290 00:12:22,085 --> 00:12:23,586 - NO, I DON'T THINK SO. LOOK, LOOK. 291 00:12:23,619 --> 00:12:26,056 OUR GREAT-GRANDDADS DID THE FIRST FLIGHT, 292 00:12:26,089 --> 00:12:27,423 AND THAT'S THAT. 293 00:12:27,457 --> 00:12:29,025 - OH, BUT WE HAVE FOO-- - NO, NO! 294 00:12:29,059 --> 00:12:30,894 THAT IS THAT. 295 00:12:30,927 --> 00:12:33,296 - WE HAVE FOOTAGE THAT CLEARLY SHOWS PIP FLYING. 296 00:12:33,329 --> 00:12:35,431 - OH, DO YOU? - [laughs] 297 00:12:35,465 --> 00:12:37,000 - OH, VERY GOOD. I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU. 298 00:12:37,033 --> 00:12:38,234 - CONGRATULATIONS. 299 00:12:38,268 --> 00:12:40,136 - AND IT WAS IN 1902, 300 00:12:40,170 --> 00:12:41,504 A FULL YEAR BEFORE YOUR GREAT-GRANDFATHERS. 301 00:12:41,537 --> 00:12:43,006 - YOU KNOW WHAT? LOOK, KID. 302 00:12:43,039 --> 00:12:45,508 I SEEM TO REMEMBER A LITTLE SOMETHING 303 00:12:45,541 --> 00:12:47,010 ABOUT A CERTAIN SHOE FALLING OFF. 304 00:12:47,043 --> 00:12:48,945 AM I MISTAKEN? - NO, NO, NO. 305 00:12:48,979 --> 00:12:51,114 THAT DOES SEEM TO RING A PARTICULAR BELL. 306 00:12:51,147 --> 00:12:54,117 BUT IT SEEMS LIKE ONE WOULD HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME 307 00:12:54,150 --> 00:12:57,253 REVOLUTIONIZING AIR TRAVEL 308 00:12:57,287 --> 00:13:00,156 WITH EVERYONE'S SHOES FALLING OFF ALL OVER THE PLACE. 309 00:13:00,190 --> 00:13:01,591 DOES IT NOT? - IT SEEMS LIKE IT TO ME. 310 00:13:01,624 --> 00:13:03,359 - YES, IT DOES. 311 00:13:03,393 --> 00:13:05,862 - NOW LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER, OKAY? 312 00:13:05,896 --> 00:13:07,297 GET THAT OUT OF MY FACE. 313 00:13:07,330 --> 00:13:09,900 - I HAD A FEELING PIP DENNY'S GREAT-GRANDSONS 314 00:13:09,933 --> 00:13:13,069 MIGHT HAVE A DIFFERENT TAKE ON THE MATTER. 315 00:13:13,103 --> 00:13:14,871 - LISTEN TO THIS. 316 00:13:14,905 --> 00:13:18,108 WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT I HAVE FOUND FOOTAGE 317 00:13:18,141 --> 00:13:21,177 OF YOUR GREAT-GRANDFATHER FLYING? 318 00:13:21,211 --> 00:13:23,013 - YEAH, WE SEEN IT. 319 00:13:23,046 --> 00:13:24,547 - YEAH. 320 00:13:24,580 --> 00:13:27,150 - YOU'VE SEEN IT? - [laughs] 321 00:13:27,183 --> 00:13:29,886 IT WAS FUNNY WITH THE BOING AND SPROING SOUNDS. 322 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:31,321 - ALL RIGHT, FELLOWS. 323 00:13:31,354 --> 00:13:33,589 LET'S NOT WORRY ABOUT THE SOUND EFFECTS, OKAY? 324 00:13:33,623 --> 00:13:36,893 LET'S THINK ABOUT THE FLYING. HE FLEW. 325 00:13:36,927 --> 00:13:38,328 - YEAH, BUT HIS SHOE FELL OFF. 326 00:13:38,361 --> 00:13:40,296 - YEAH, HIS SHOE FELL OFF. 327 00:13:40,330 --> 00:13:42,966 - DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIS SHOE. THINK ABOUT HIS LEGACY. 328 00:13:42,999 --> 00:13:44,567 OKAY? 329 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:49,072 HE HAS A LEGACY, AND YOU GUYS SHOULD BE RICH, RIGHT? 330 00:13:49,105 --> 00:13:50,273 - WE LIKE THE FUNNY SOUND EFFECTS. 331 00:13:50,306 --> 00:13:52,108 - HA, YEAH. 332 00:13:52,142 --> 00:13:55,946 [both laughing] 333 00:13:55,979 --> 00:13:59,082 - THIS INTERVIEW'S OVER. 334 00:13:59,115 --> 00:14:01,985 I FINALLY TRACKED DOWN THE MAN HIMSELF, 335 00:14:02,018 --> 00:14:05,088 STILL ALIVE AT 131 YEARS OLD. 336 00:14:05,121 --> 00:14:07,123 SURELY, HE WOULD BE UPSET 337 00:14:07,157 --> 00:14:10,360 ABOUT HAVING HIS PLACE IN HISTORY STOLEN. 338 00:14:10,393 --> 00:14:13,930 - YEAH, IT HURTS MAYBE THAT I FLEW FIRST. 339 00:14:13,964 --> 00:14:18,101 BUT IF I MADE EVEN ONE PERSON LAUGH 340 00:14:18,134 --> 00:14:21,337 WITH THE FUNNY BOING SOUND, THEN... 341 00:14:21,371 --> 00:14:23,974 THAT'S JUST AS IMPORTANT. 342 00:14:24,007 --> 00:14:27,343 - [shouting] AS IMPORTANT AS INVENTING FLIGHT? 343 00:14:27,377 --> 00:14:29,212 YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I THINK? 344 00:14:29,245 --> 00:14:31,047 I THINK THAT THOSE WRIGHT BROTHERS 345 00:14:31,081 --> 00:14:32,582 INVENTED THE SOUND EFFECTS-- [boing] 346 00:14:32,615 --> 00:14:35,285 THE BOINGS AND SPROINGS-- TO DISCREDIT THE AVIATORS 347 00:14:35,318 --> 00:14:36,953 THAT THEY WERE COMPETING WITH. 348 00:14:36,987 --> 00:14:38,321 AND YOU KNOW WHAT? [splashing with footsteps] 349 00:14:38,354 --> 00:14:41,024 I THINK THESE EDITORS-- ANGELO CICCONI OVER HERE-- 350 00:14:41,057 --> 00:14:42,392 [honk] THIS GUY, 351 00:14:42,425 --> 00:14:44,527 I THINK THAT HE IS JUST A LITTLE TOO EAGER 352 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:47,163 TO PLAY ALONG, DON'T YOU THINK? [boing] 353 00:14:47,197 --> 00:14:49,332 BOTTOM LINE, I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE 354 00:14:49,365 --> 00:14:52,368 THAT HISTORY IS VERY DIFFICULT TO DOCUMENT. 355 00:14:52,402 --> 00:14:55,038 [whimsical sound effects] 356 00:14:55,071 --> 00:14:59,342 - [laughs] 357 00:14:59,375 --> 00:15:01,577 - TURN THAT SHIT OFF! 358 00:15:03,079 --> 00:15:04,014 [boing] 359 00:15:06,282 --> 00:15:09,652 [soft rock music] 360 00:15:09,685 --> 00:15:11,654 - THOSE ARE SOME NICE GLASSES YOU GOT THERE. 361 00:15:11,687 --> 00:15:14,457 - OH, THANKS. NEW FRAMES. 362 00:15:14,490 --> 00:15:16,059 - DO YOU ALWAYS WEAR GLASSES? 363 00:15:16,092 --> 00:15:18,461 - EITHER GLASSES OR CONTACTS. 364 00:15:18,494 --> 00:15:20,263 WITHOUT THEM, MY VISION'S PRETTY BAD. 365 00:15:20,296 --> 00:15:21,664 - IT IS? 366 00:15:21,697 --> 00:15:24,167 - YEAH. EVERYTHING LOOKS ALL BLURRY. 367 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:27,137 ANYWAY, I GOTTA GO. SEE YA. 368 00:15:27,170 --> 00:15:30,273 - SEE YA. 369 00:15:30,306 --> 00:15:35,078 WOW. EVERYTHING LOOKS ALL BLURRY. 370 00:15:35,111 --> 00:15:38,448 I WONDER WHAT THAT WOULD LOOK LIKE. 371 00:15:44,387 --> 00:15:47,357 YEAH. 372 00:15:47,390 --> 00:15:50,360 [heroic music] 373 00:15:55,131 --> 00:15:57,200 [sproing] 374 00:15:57,233 --> 00:15:59,335 - FUNNY, RIGHT? 375 00:15:59,369 --> 00:16:03,206 ANGELO CICCONI PERFECTED ITS USE AS COMIC ACCENT. 376 00:16:03,239 --> 00:16:05,541 BEFORE ANGELO'S PIONEERING WORK, 377 00:16:05,575 --> 00:16:07,210 A MONTAGE EDITOR HAD BUT ONE SOUND 378 00:16:07,243 --> 00:16:08,811 WITH WHICH TO DELIGHT. 379 00:16:08,844 --> 00:16:11,781 AN OVERUSED, UNFUNNY THUD. 380 00:16:11,814 --> 00:16:13,416 [thud] 381 00:16:13,449 --> 00:16:15,085 [thud] 382 00:16:15,118 --> 00:16:17,187 [thud] 383 00:16:17,220 --> 00:16:20,090 BUT WITH ANGELO'S DISCOVERY RIGHT HERE IN THIS SOUND ROOM, 384 00:16:20,123 --> 00:16:23,126 A RACE TO SPROING HAD SWEPT THE NATION. 385 00:16:23,159 --> 00:16:25,161 [whimsical music and sound effects] 386 00:16:25,195 --> 00:16:27,730 [sproing] 387 00:16:27,763 --> 00:16:29,265 [sproing] 388 00:16:29,299 --> 00:16:32,168 [sproing, boing] 389 00:16:32,202 --> 00:16:34,237 [laughs] GREAT, ISN'T IT? 390 00:16:34,270 --> 00:16:36,339 CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT HE INVENTED THAT 391 00:16:36,372 --> 00:16:38,208 RIGHT HERE IN THIS VERY SOUND ROOM? 392 00:16:38,241 --> 00:16:40,276 NOW, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TOUCH THIS STUFF, 393 00:16:40,310 --> 00:16:43,146 BUT I'M THE CURATOR HERE, SO I GOTTA DO IT. 394 00:16:43,179 --> 00:16:44,114 [sproing] 395 00:16:44,147 --> 00:16:47,317 [laughs] 396 00:16:47,350 --> 00:16:49,319 [boing] [laughs] 397 00:16:49,352 --> 00:16:51,221 - HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY! 398 00:16:51,254 --> 00:16:52,822 YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TOUCH ANY OF THIS STUFF, YOU KNOW? 399 00:16:52,855 --> 00:16:55,725 - SORRY. I WORK HERE. I WON'T TOUCH IT AGAIN. 400 00:16:55,758 --> 00:16:58,661 - UH, YEAH, DON'T. MAKE SURE YOU DON'T. 401 00:17:01,431 --> 00:17:03,199 [cowbell, horn] 402 00:17:03,233 --> 00:17:05,835 - [laughing] 403 00:17:05,868 --> 00:17:08,171 ANGELO. 404 00:17:08,204 --> 00:17:12,842 [laughing] 405 00:17:12,875 --> 00:17:17,380 ANGELO CICCONI... 406 00:17:17,413 --> 00:17:19,415 WHAT A LEGEND. OH, GOD. 407 00:17:25,855 --> 00:17:26,822 - MMM. 408 00:17:26,856 --> 00:17:28,291 - THESE LOOK REALLY GOOD. 409 00:17:28,324 --> 00:17:29,292 SO MUCH OF THIS STUFF LOOKS SO GOOD. 410 00:17:29,325 --> 00:17:30,526 - THEY HAVE A GREAT GRILL HERE. 411 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:31,694 - THEY DO? - I'VE NEVER HAD-- 412 00:17:31,727 --> 00:17:33,363 - HEY, GUYS. ARE YOU READY TO ORDER? 413 00:17:33,396 --> 00:17:35,365 - UH, YEAH, I'LL HAVE A DOZEN BUFFALO WINGS. 414 00:17:35,398 --> 00:17:36,766 - OKAY. AND HOW HOT DO YOU WANT THOSE WINGS? 415 00:17:36,799 --> 00:17:38,201 THEY COME IN MILD, MEDIUM, 416 00:17:38,234 --> 00:17:40,870 AND "OOH, MAMA, CALL THE DOCTOR." 417 00:17:40,903 --> 00:17:42,638 [laughter] 418 00:17:42,672 --> 00:17:44,374 - ARE THOSE HOT, THE "OOH, MAMA" ONES? 419 00:17:44,407 --> 00:17:45,775 - OH, THEY'RE VERY HOT. 420 00:17:45,808 --> 00:17:47,843 YOU SEE, THE IDEA IS THAT THEY'RE SO HOT, 421 00:17:47,877 --> 00:17:49,479 YOU'RE GONNA NEED YOUR MOM TO CALL THE DOCTOR 422 00:17:49,512 --> 00:17:51,847 TO TEND TO YOUR BURNT UP LIPS, TONGUE, TEETH, AND GUMS. 423 00:17:51,881 --> 00:17:53,283 - WHOA! TOO HOT FOR ME. 424 00:17:53,316 --> 00:17:55,618 I'LL JUST HAVE THE MEDIUM. - OKAY! 425 00:17:55,651 --> 00:17:58,354 - NOW, I THINK I'M GONNA GO WITH THE JALAPENO POPPERS. 426 00:17:58,388 --> 00:18:00,456 UH, WHAT ARE THE FLAVORS ON THOSE POPPERS? 427 00:18:00,490 --> 00:18:03,293 - THOSE COME IN MILD, MEDIUM, AND "NO. NO, NO! 428 00:18:03,326 --> 00:18:05,928 NO, PLEASE, NO!" 429 00:18:05,961 --> 00:18:07,597 - WHAT'S THAT? 430 00:18:07,630 --> 00:18:09,199 LIKE, THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA BE SAYING 431 00:18:09,232 --> 00:18:11,367 WHEN THE POPPERS COME TO THE TABLE? 432 00:18:11,401 --> 00:18:13,469 LIKE, AS IF THE FOOD THAT I'VE ORDERED IS SO SPICY 433 00:18:13,503 --> 00:18:15,338 THAT AFTER I TAKE A BITE, 434 00:18:15,371 --> 00:18:16,672 I'M GONNA BE PLEADING WITH THOSE AROUND ME 435 00:18:16,706 --> 00:18:18,941 NOT TO FORCE ME TO HAVE ANOTHER BITE? 436 00:18:18,974 --> 00:18:21,777 AS IF THE HEAT OF MY FOOD IS COMPARABLE TO TORTURE? 437 00:18:21,811 --> 00:18:24,614 - WELL, THAT'S THE IDEA. [laughter] 438 00:18:24,647 --> 00:18:26,749 - WELL, THEN I'M GONNA SAY, "NO. OH, NO! 439 00:18:26,782 --> 00:18:29,252 PLEASE, NO!" TO THAT LAST ONE. 440 00:18:29,285 --> 00:18:31,454 SOUNDS A LITTLE SPICY. I'M GONNA GO MILD. 441 00:18:31,487 --> 00:18:33,656 - GREAT! AND YOU, SIR? 442 00:18:33,689 --> 00:18:36,292 - I THINK I'M GOING WITH THE SOUTHWEST WING SLINGERS. 443 00:18:36,326 --> 00:18:37,827 - OKAY, GREAT. 444 00:18:37,860 --> 00:18:39,229 NOW, DO YOU REMEMBER THE FLAVORS I LISTED 445 00:18:39,262 --> 00:18:40,463 WHEN I MENTIONED THE WING SLINGERS 446 00:18:40,496 --> 00:18:42,832 IN THE SPECIALS TONIGHT? 447 00:18:42,865 --> 00:18:43,833 THAT'S OKAY. 448 00:18:43,866 --> 00:18:45,235 THEY COME IN MILD, MEDIUM, 449 00:18:45,268 --> 00:18:47,403 AND "OH, BABY, CALL THE FUNNY FARM 450 00:18:47,437 --> 00:18:49,805 'CAUSE I MUST BE CRAZY TO ORDER THESE!" 451 00:18:49,839 --> 00:18:51,207 [laughter] 452 00:18:51,241 --> 00:18:53,409 - YEAH. I'LL GO WITH THOSE. 453 00:18:53,443 --> 00:18:54,877 - HI, FOLKS. 454 00:18:54,910 --> 00:18:56,279 I THINK WE MADE OUR POINT HERE, RIGHT? 455 00:18:56,312 --> 00:18:58,248 RESTAURANTS. 456 00:18:58,281 --> 00:18:59,782 I MEAN, THESE PLACES ARE GETTING A LITTLE BIT VERBOSE, 457 00:18:59,815 --> 00:19:01,784 AND QUITE FRANKLY, RECKLESS WITH THEIR ADVERTISING FLAVORS, 458 00:19:01,817 --> 00:19:04,720 AND, UH... WE'VE HAD ENOUGH. 459 00:19:06,256 --> 00:19:09,292 [clatter] - OH, BOY. PSST! 460 00:19:09,325 --> 00:19:11,627 DARREN, I KNOCKED OVER A BUNCH OF SAUCES IN THE KITCHEN. 461 00:19:11,661 --> 00:19:12,895 THERE'S A BIG MESS EVERYWHERE. 462 00:19:12,928 --> 00:19:15,731 - WELL, WHAT DID YOU KNOCK OVER? 463 00:19:18,368 --> 00:19:20,336 - AND... 464 00:19:31,414 --> 00:19:33,583 YOU SEE, FOR THE SWEET, COOL RELIEF 465 00:19:33,616 --> 00:19:36,319 FROM THOSE OVERLY, WAY OVERLY SPICY WINGS. 466 00:19:36,352 --> 00:19:37,887 HOLY SHIT. 467 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,755 - ALL RIGHT. WELL, GO TAKE CARE OF THAT. 468 00:19:39,789 --> 00:19:41,857 HEY, GUYS, WE GOTTA CLEAN UP A MESS REALLY QUICK, 469 00:19:41,891 --> 00:19:43,593 BUT DON'T WORRY. 470 00:19:43,626 --> 00:19:44,760 EVERYONE'S GETTING A FREE BASKET OF TERIYAKI WINGS. 471 00:19:44,794 --> 00:19:45,795 NOW, HOW DO YOU WANT THOSE TO COME? 472 00:19:45,828 --> 00:19:47,963 MILD, MEDIUM, OR "LOOK, LADY, 473 00:19:47,997 --> 00:19:49,599 I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, 474 00:19:49,632 --> 00:19:52,502 BUT THESE ARE TOO HOT! I GOTTA GO!" 475 00:19:52,535 --> 00:19:54,637 all: "LOOK, LADY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, 476 00:19:54,670 --> 00:19:57,840 BUT THESE ARE WAY TOO HOT! I GOTTA GO!" 477 00:19:57,873 --> 00:20:00,042 - NOW, WAS ALL THAT REALLY NECESSARY? 478 00:20:00,075 --> 00:20:01,677 - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. [bell rings] 479 00:20:01,711 --> 00:20:03,913 THAT'S ENOUGH OF THE SKEWERING. YOU KNOW WHAT? 480 00:20:03,946 --> 00:20:05,381 - [blows raspberry] 481 00:20:05,415 --> 00:20:07,049 - SOMEBODY OUGHT TO SKEWER YOU, YOU PUNKS. 482 00:20:07,082 --> 00:20:08,050 - [gasps] NO. 483 00:20:08,083 --> 00:20:09,485 - SKEWERED. 484 00:20:09,519 --> 00:20:10,920 - UH, WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON, UH, 485 00:20:10,953 --> 00:20:13,589 TO FLY A, DUH--A, DUH, PLANE? - SKEWERED. 486 00:20:13,623 --> 00:20:16,359 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WALL STREET'S WORDS. DUH! 487 00:20:16,392 --> 00:20:18,294 I'M BLURRY. - SKEWERED. 488 00:20:18,328 --> 00:20:19,295 - THAT'S COMEDY? 489 00:20:19,329 --> 00:20:20,496 HOT WINGS ARE HOT! 490 00:20:20,530 --> 00:20:21,464 DUH! DUH! 491 00:20:21,497 --> 00:20:23,366 DUH! DUH! 492 00:20:23,399 --> 00:20:24,434 - SKEWERED. 493 00:20:28,438 --> 00:20:30,773 - DID YOU THINK YOU'D GET AWAY WITH THAT? 494 00:20:36,746 --> 00:20:38,781 - [sighs] 495 00:20:38,814 --> 00:20:42,885 [soft rock music] 496 00:20:42,918 --> 00:20:45,020 - OH, HEY. YOU KNOW... 497 00:20:45,054 --> 00:20:47,089 I MEANT TO TELL YOU I HEARD THERE WAS A GUY 498 00:20:47,122 --> 00:20:48,691 WHO INVENTED A WORKING FLYING MACHINE 499 00:20:48,724 --> 00:20:49,825 BEFORE THE WRIGHT BROTHERS. 500 00:20:49,859 --> 00:20:50,893 - OH, WOW. - YEAH. 501 00:20:50,926 --> 00:20:52,562 AND THEN YEARS LATER, 502 00:20:52,595 --> 00:20:54,730 AFTER SOME TV SHOW EXPOSED THE TRUTH, 503 00:20:54,764 --> 00:20:56,666 HIS WEIRD, UMBRELLA-LIKE MACHINE 504 00:20:56,699 --> 00:20:58,568 ACTUALLY CAUGHT ON AND BECAME A POPULAR WAY TO TRAVEL. 505 00:20:58,601 --> 00:20:59,935 - HMM. 506 00:20:59,969 --> 00:21:02,372 - WELL, I GOTTA GO. - OH, OKAY. 507 00:21:04,607 --> 00:21:06,108 WOW. 508 00:21:06,141 --> 00:21:08,811 A WEIRD, UMBRELLA-LIKE MACHINE CATCHING ON 509 00:21:08,844 --> 00:21:12,515 AND BECOMING A POPULAR WAY TO TRAVEL. 510 00:21:12,548 --> 00:21:15,851 I WONDER WHAT THAT WOULD BE LIKE. 511 00:21:15,885 --> 00:21:18,588 [dreamy harp music] 512 00:21:18,621 --> 00:21:21,624 [soft music] 513 00:21:21,657 --> 00:21:25,695 * 514 00:21:25,728 --> 00:21:31,667 [thudding] 515 00:21:31,701 --> 00:21:34,637 - TRAVEL CONSIDERATIONS PROVIDED BY... 516 00:21:37,473 --> 00:21:40,009 - THIS IS OUR AIRLINE. SORRY ABOUT YOUR SHOES. 517 00:21:40,042 --> 00:21:43,613 - YEAH. AND SORRY IF YOUR SOCKS GET WET. 518 00:21:43,646 --> 00:21:44,680 [thud] 519 00:21:44,714 --> 00:21:46,616 - WHAT? 520 00:21:46,649 --> 00:21:48,951 OH, YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE FIRST TIME I FLEWED? 521 00:21:48,984 --> 00:21:50,920 WELL, I LOST MY SHOE. 522 00:21:50,953 --> 00:21:54,924 IT WAS A BROWN SHOE WITH STITCHING MADE OUT OF GOLD 523 00:21:54,957 --> 00:21:58,093 AND THE LACES HAD NO NIBS ON 'EM. 524 00:21:58,127 --> 00:22:00,095 I BELIEVE THAT SOME CHILDREN TOOK IT, 525 00:22:00,129 --> 00:22:02,598 AND THEY THREW IT IN THE RIVER 526 00:22:02,632 --> 00:22:04,834 AND THAT THE FISH ARE LIVING IN IT. 527 00:22:04,867 --> 00:22:09,071 IF YOU GO LOOKING FOR IT WITH SONAR 528 00:22:09,104 --> 00:22:12,808 OR GET SOME EQUIPMENT, LIKE IN THE MOVIE TITANIC, 529 00:22:12,842 --> 00:22:17,112 THEY COULD MAYBE FIND THAT SHOE AND MAKE A FILM ABOUT THAT. 530 00:22:17,146 --> 00:22:20,049 THAT WOULD BE A REAL MOVIE. - MM-HMM. 531 00:22:20,082 --> 00:22:21,984 - [growling] - YOU OKAY? 532 00:22:22,017 --> 00:22:23,686 - WHY IS HE SO MAD AT ME? 533 00:22:23,719 --> 00:22:25,488 - I DON'T KNOW. HE'S GOT A MAD FACE. 534 00:22:25,521 --> 00:22:27,089 - THAT MAN MADE A MAD FACE. 535 00:22:27,122 --> 00:22:28,824 - HE'S GOT A MAD FACE. FIX YOUR FACE. 536 00:22:28,858 --> 00:22:30,493 - FIX YOUR FACE. 537 00:22:30,526 --> 00:22:33,463 [classical music] 538 00:22:33,496 --> 00:22:36,065 * 539 00:22:43,506 --> 00:22:46,008 [steam whistle sounds] 540 00:22:47,943 --> 00:22:50,179 - [sighs] 541 00:22:55,651 --> 00:22:58,588 - OH. 542 00:22:58,621 --> 00:23:01,857 - NOT SO FAST. YOU'RE LATE AGAIN. 543 00:23:01,891 --> 00:23:04,660 DO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST COME IN WHENEVER YOU WANT? 544 00:23:04,694 --> 00:23:07,129 - LOOK, I'M ONLY, LIKE, 15 SECONDS LATE, OKAY? 545 00:23:07,162 --> 00:23:09,732 - NO, YOU ARE 16 SECONDS LATE. 546 00:23:09,765 --> 00:23:13,703 YOU GOT ME BROADCASTING DEAD AIRTIME RIGHT NOW. 547 00:23:13,736 --> 00:23:15,971 OUR RATINGS ARE LOWER THAN THE FINAL EPISODE OF M.A.S.H. 548 00:23:16,005 --> 00:23:17,006 - [scoffs] 549 00:23:17,039 --> 00:23:19,074 - [groans] LISTEN! 550 00:23:19,108 --> 00:23:22,945 YOU'RE ALREADY IN HOT WATER FOR LAST WEEK'S EPISODE. 551 00:23:22,978 --> 00:23:25,515 THE FCC IS ALL OVER MY ASS FOR NIPPLEGATE. 552 00:23:25,548 --> 00:23:27,683 - ALL I DID WAS SAY THE WORD "NIPPLE," 553 00:23:27,717 --> 00:23:30,085 AND IT WAS DURING MY "BABY BOTTLE REVIEW" SEGMENT. 554 00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:33,055 VERY POPULAR. - LISTEN, BUSTER... 555 00:23:33,088 --> 00:23:35,090 YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL IN THIS CLIMATE. 556 00:23:35,124 --> 00:23:37,860 AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THINGS GET SLOPPY? 557 00:23:37,893 --> 00:23:41,864 SOMEBODY'S GOT TO COME AROUND AND MOP UP THE SLOPPY SECONDS. 558 00:23:41,897 --> 00:23:43,999 - WAIT. SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT YOU WANT OUR SLOPPY SECONDS? 559 00:23:44,033 --> 00:23:46,636 - [laughs] - NO! 560 00:23:46,669 --> 00:23:49,739 I'M SAYING YOU'RE ON NOTICE. NO MORE SCREWUPS! 561 00:23:49,772 --> 00:23:51,941 AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR YOU, JAZZY. 562 00:23:51,974 --> 00:23:53,943 - [mouths words] 563 00:23:53,976 --> 00:23:56,679 - JUST GET TO WORK, YOU TWO GIANT ASSHOLES. 564 00:23:56,712 --> 00:23:58,247 WE'LL BLEEP THAT LATER. 565 00:24:00,883 --> 00:24:02,552 START THE SHOW. 566 00:24:02,585 --> 00:24:06,188 - YOU HEARD HIM-- START THE SHOW. 567 00:24:06,221 --> 00:24:07,923 [soul music] - [inhales deeply] 568 00:24:07,957 --> 00:24:10,092 IT'S COMEDY BANG! BANG! - YEAH. 569 00:24:10,125 --> 00:24:11,894 - * COMEDY BANG! BANG! COMEDY BANG! BANG! * 570 00:24:11,927 --> 00:24:14,029 * COMEDY BANG! BANG! COMEDY BANG! BANG! * 571 00:24:14,063 --> 00:24:15,998 * COMEDY BANG! BANG! COMEDY BANG! BANG! * 572 00:24:16,031 --> 00:24:17,867 * COMEDY BANG! BANG! COMEDY BANG! BANG! * 573 00:24:17,900 --> 00:24:20,069 - * COMEDY BANG! BANG! 574 00:24:20,102 --> 00:24:21,971 * COMEDY BANG! BANG! 575 00:24:22,004 --> 00:24:23,973 * COMEDY BANG! BANG! 576 00:24:24,006 --> 00:24:26,108 * COMEDY BANG! BANG! 577 00:24:26,141 --> 00:24:28,678 * COMEDY BANG! BANG! 578 00:24:28,711 --> 00:24:29,812 * COMEDY BANG! BANG! 579 00:24:29,845 --> 00:24:31,647 * UH-HUH 580 00:24:31,681 --> 00:24:32,915 - HEY, THERE, WELCOME TO COMEDY BANG! BANG! 581 00:24:32,948 --> 00:24:34,950 WE HAVE A-- 582 00:24:34,984 --> 00:24:38,621 HEY, UM, AM I FRAMED UP PROPERLY? 583 00:24:38,654 --> 00:24:39,855 - SORRY. 584 00:24:39,889 --> 00:24:41,691 IT'S MY FIRST DAY. 585 00:24:41,724 --> 00:24:44,026 I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU'D BE SHORTER. 586 00:24:44,059 --> 00:24:47,162 - THAT'S STRIKE ONE, TALL BOY. 587 00:24:47,196 --> 00:24:49,665 - OKAY, WELL, WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT. 588 00:24:49,699 --> 00:24:51,000 JIM GAFFIGAN IS HERE, 589 00:24:51,033 --> 00:24:52,935 AS WELL AS PHYSICIST DR. LLOYD FLEEN. 590 00:24:52,968 --> 00:24:54,837 I'M SCOTT AUKERMAN. 591 00:24:54,870 --> 00:24:57,807 AND, YOU KNOW, I MAY NOT BE MARK OR DAVID KNOPFLER, 592 00:24:57,840 --> 00:24:59,909 BUT I AM IN DIRE STRAITS TONIGHT. 593 00:24:59,942 --> 00:25:02,778 IF WE SCREW UP TOO MUCH, WE'RE ALL OUT OF A JOB. 594 00:25:02,812 --> 00:25:04,880 ANYWAY, HEY, SPEAKING OF SCREWUPS, 595 00:25:04,914 --> 00:25:07,149 LET'S SAY IT TO OUR GOOD FRIEND REGGIE WATTS. 596 00:25:07,182 --> 00:25:09,952 - * ASS AND TITTIES AND NIPPLES AND BUTTS * 597 00:25:09,985 --> 00:25:12,354 * ASS AND TITTIES AND NIPPLES AND BUTTS * 598 00:25:12,387 --> 00:25:13,823 * ASS, ASS, ASS, TITTIES 599 00:25:13,856 --> 00:25:16,692 ASS? 600 00:25:16,726 --> 00:25:18,027 - REGGIE, GOD, WHAT A TIME 601 00:25:18,060 --> 00:25:19,729 FOR YOU TO FINALLY GET INTO RAP MUSIC. 602 00:25:19,762 --> 00:25:21,897 - STRIKE TWO! 603 00:25:21,931 --> 00:25:25,635 - I'M SORRY, SCOTT. I'LL CLEAN IT UP. 604 00:25:25,668 --> 00:25:26,736 - YEAH. 605 00:25:26,769 --> 00:25:28,070 - * ARMS AND LEGS 606 00:25:28,103 --> 00:25:29,939 * AND TOAST AND WATER 607 00:25:29,972 --> 00:25:33,208 * ARMS AND LEGS AND TOAST AND WATER * 608 00:25:33,242 --> 00:25:36,712 * ARMS AND LEGS AND TOAST AND WATER * 609 00:25:36,746 --> 00:25:39,281 - ALL RIGHT, WELL, HEY, REGGIE, HOW ARE YOU? 610 00:25:39,314 --> 00:25:41,016 - YOU KNOW, SCOTT, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THESE SUSPENDERS. 611 00:25:41,050 --> 00:25:42,652 - YEAH? 612 00:25:42,685 --> 00:25:44,319 - I'M NOT DIGGING THEM SO MUCH LATELY, 613 00:25:44,353 --> 00:25:46,255 SO I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE 'EM OFF. 614 00:25:46,288 --> 00:25:48,123 I MEAN, WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN, RIGHT? 615 00:25:48,157 --> 00:25:52,762 - NO, REGGIE, DON'T! 616 00:25:52,795 --> 00:25:55,765 - THAT'S A BALL-- BIT OUTSIDE. 617 00:25:55,798 --> 00:25:57,700 IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A T-SHIRT ON, YOU'D ALL BE OUT. 618 00:25:57,733 --> 00:25:59,702 ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM. 619 00:25:59,735 --> 00:26:01,737 ALL THESE SCREWUPS ARE GIVING ME I.B.S. 620 00:26:01,771 --> 00:26:03,372 - UGH. 621 00:26:03,405 --> 00:26:05,741 - ONE MORE SCREWUP, AND YOU'RE ALL FIRED. 622 00:26:05,775 --> 00:26:07,376 [dramatic organ music] 623 00:26:07,409 --> 00:26:11,647 - WELL, ANYWAY OUR FIRST GUEST ON TONIGHT'S SH-- 624 00:26:11,681 --> 00:26:13,115 - [laughs] THE HOST WITH THE MOST. 625 00:26:13,148 --> 00:26:14,784 WHAT'S UP, SCOTT? 626 00:26:14,817 --> 00:26:16,786 - OH, NO, IT'S HOOCH THE MOOCH. 627 00:26:16,819 --> 00:26:19,021 OH, REGGIE, OF ALL THE TIMES FOR HIM TO SURPRISE US 628 00:26:19,054 --> 00:26:21,657 WITH ONE OF HIS PATENTED UNANNOUNCED VISITS. 629 00:26:21,691 --> 00:26:22,958 - HEY, SCOTT. 630 00:26:22,992 --> 00:26:25,027 - WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT PLANT? 631 00:26:25,060 --> 00:26:26,896 - OH, I'M TAKING IT. 632 00:26:26,929 --> 00:26:30,132 I'M A VEGETARIAN, SO I GOT TO EAT SOMETHING. 633 00:26:30,165 --> 00:26:32,668 HEY, MAN, DO YOU MIND IF I CRASH ON YOUR COUCH 634 00:26:32,702 --> 00:26:34,670 FOR, LIKE, FOUR OR FIVE SEGMENTS? 635 00:26:34,704 --> 00:26:35,971 - HOOCH THE MOOCH, COME ON, 636 00:26:36,005 --> 00:26:37,406 YOU CAN'T JUST CRASH OUT ON MY COUCH 637 00:26:37,439 --> 00:26:39,208 IN THE MIDDLE OF A SHOW. - OH, REALLY? 638 00:26:39,241 --> 00:26:41,143 OH, CAN I HAVE THAT BOOM MIC? 639 00:26:41,176 --> 00:26:43,145 CAN I HAVE THIS? 640 00:26:43,178 --> 00:26:45,748 - THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE IT. 641 00:26:45,781 --> 00:26:47,917 - THEN YOU DON'T NEED IT, RIGHT? 642 00:26:47,950 --> 00:26:50,686 - NO, WE NEED IT. IT'S JUST SUPPOSED TO BE OUR OF FRAME. 643 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:52,722 - OKAY. CAN I HAVE THE FRAME? 644 00:26:52,755 --> 00:26:54,023 - UGH, GOD, HOOCH. 645 00:26:54,056 --> 00:26:55,858 ALL RIGHT, FINE, YOU CAN CRASH ON THE COUCH, 646 00:26:55,891 --> 00:26:57,927 AS LONG AS YOU PROMISE TO BE QUIET 647 00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:00,062 AND AS LONG AS YOU GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE MY BOSS COMES BACK. 648 00:27:00,095 --> 00:27:01,997 - ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE QUIET. 649 00:27:02,031 --> 00:27:04,266 NO ONE'S GONNA NOTICE ME, SCOTT. CALM DOWN. CAN I HAVE THIS? 650 00:27:04,299 --> 00:27:05,901 - NO, YOU CAN'T. THIS IS FOR JIM GAFFIGAN. 651 00:27:05,935 --> 00:27:07,236 HE'S GONNA BE OUT HERE IN JUST A SECOND. 652 00:27:07,269 --> 00:27:08,804 - OH, CAN I HAVE THIS ONE, THEN? 653 00:27:08,838 --> 00:27:10,005 - YEAH, GO AHEAD AND SLEEP ON THAT ONE. 654 00:27:10,039 --> 00:27:11,941 - I'M GONNA KEEP THIS ONE. 655 00:27:11,974 --> 00:27:14,043 NIGHTY-NIGHTY, APHRODITE. 656 00:27:14,076 --> 00:27:16,111 - WHAT--WE NEED THOSE. COME ON. 657 00:27:16,145 --> 00:27:17,246 [claps hands] 658 00:27:17,279 --> 00:27:19,815 - HEY! [screaming] 659 00:27:19,849 --> 00:27:21,383 WHERE AM I? 660 00:27:21,416 --> 00:27:23,318 - YOU'RE BACK ON MY COUCH. WHERE'D YOU THINK-- 661 00:27:23,352 --> 00:27:25,254 YOU WERE ASLEEP THAT QUICKLY? 662 00:27:25,287 --> 00:27:27,757 - OH, MAN, I JUST HAD A DEEP [bleep] NIGHTMARE, MAN. 663 00:27:27,790 --> 00:27:30,092 YOU KNOW THOSE REAL REALISTIC NIGHTMARES? 664 00:27:30,125 --> 00:27:32,094 - FINE, MOVE YOUR-- MOVE YOUR FEET DOWN. 665 00:27:32,127 --> 00:27:33,996 - OKAY. - THAT'S FINE. 666 00:27:34,029 --> 00:27:36,031 ALL RIGHT, WELL, IT'S TIME TO GET TO TONIGHT'S FIRST GUEST. 667 00:27:36,065 --> 00:27:38,167 YOU MAY KNOW HIM FROM HIS BREAKOUT ROLE 668 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:39,802 AS TONIGHT'S FIRST GUEST 669 00:27:39,835 --> 00:27:41,236 FROM THE TV SHOW COMEDY BANG! BANG! 670 00:27:41,270 --> 00:27:43,138 PLEASE WELCOME JIGAFFIGAN. 671 00:27:43,172 --> 00:27:45,040 [strange electronic music] 672 00:27:45,074 --> 00:27:46,809 HI. NICE TO MEET YOU. 673 00:27:46,842 --> 00:27:51,446 * 674 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:53,448 - THANKS FOR HAVING ME. 675 00:27:53,482 --> 00:27:55,284 EXCITING. 676 00:27:55,317 --> 00:27:56,919 - SORRY, THAT'S HOOCH. - HI. 677 00:27:56,952 --> 00:27:57,920 - HE'LL JUST BE QUIET THE WHOLE TIME. 678 00:27:57,953 --> 00:27:59,221 - HOW YOU DOING? - OKAY. 679 00:27:59,254 --> 00:28:00,055 - WELL, IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU. 680 00:28:00,089 --> 00:28:01,824 - GOOD TO SEE YOU TOO. 681 00:28:01,857 --> 00:28:03,158 - JIM GAFFIGAN. - GAFFIGAN. 682 00:28:03,192 --> 00:28:04,794 - YES. - THAT'S MY NAME. 683 00:28:04,827 --> 00:28:06,528 - I ASSUME "JIM" IS SHORT FOR "JAMES." 684 00:28:06,561 --> 00:28:08,798 - IT IS. - WHAT IS "GAFFIGAN" SHORT FOR? 685 00:28:08,831 --> 00:28:10,966 - IT'S SHORT FOR "GAFFIGANOPOULOS." 686 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:12,868 - OH, REALLY? 687 00:28:12,902 --> 00:28:14,369 - YOU KNOW, MY PARENTS WERE GREEK IMMIGRANTS, AND... 688 00:28:14,403 --> 00:28:16,105 - I CAN SEE THAT. - YEAH. SO WE-- 689 00:28:16,138 --> 00:28:17,406 WE KIND OF SHORTENED IT, 'CAUSE IT WAS PRETTY AW-- 690 00:28:17,439 --> 00:28:19,008 IT WAS AWKWARD. - FOR SHOW BUSINESS? 691 00:28:19,041 --> 00:28:20,242 - YEAH, AND ALSO IT'S JUST, 692 00:28:20,275 --> 00:28:21,476 LIKE, MY FOOTBALL JERSEY WAS TOO LONG. 693 00:28:21,510 --> 00:28:22,945 - MM-HMM. - STUFF LIKE THAT. 694 00:28:22,978 --> 00:28:24,246 - I HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING FOOTBALL, 695 00:28:24,279 --> 00:28:25,314 AND YOU HAVE TO WEAR A FOOTBALL JERSEY 696 00:28:25,347 --> 00:28:26,949 ALL THE WAY DOWN TO YOUR KNEES. 697 00:28:26,982 --> 00:28:28,350 - YEAH, THAT'S AWKWARD. 698 00:28:28,383 --> 00:28:29,852 - NOW, JIM, YOU'RE A STAND-UP COMEDIAN. 699 00:28:29,885 --> 00:28:31,286 - I AM. 700 00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:33,889 - WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A STOOL ONSTAGE? 701 00:28:33,923 --> 00:28:36,125 IS THAT TO TEMPT YOU AWAY FROM STANDING UP INTO SITTING DOWN? 702 00:28:36,158 --> 00:28:38,227 P.S., AM I FUNNY? 703 00:28:38,260 --> 00:28:41,230 - YES. I MEAN, TO THE FIRST QUESTION. 704 00:28:41,263 --> 00:28:45,000 I WOULD SAY THAT THE STOOL IS-- 705 00:28:45,034 --> 00:28:47,803 THAT GOES BACK TO WHEN THEY INVENTED STAND-UP. 706 00:28:47,837 --> 00:28:49,304 - MM. - MARK TWAIN ACTUALLY-- 707 00:28:49,338 --> 00:28:52,241 HE WAS ALSO--HE STARTED-- HE USED TO DO ARTICLES, 708 00:28:52,274 --> 00:28:54,176 AND THEN HE WOULD DO SHOWS. 709 00:28:54,209 --> 00:28:56,078 - IS THAT HOW YOU STARTED-- ARTICLES FIRST? 710 00:28:56,111 --> 00:28:58,981 - I STARTED WITH ARTICLES FIRST, MOSTLY IN PARADE MAGAZINE. 711 00:28:59,014 --> 00:29:01,216 WELL, I WOULD WRITE QUESTIONS IN TO PARADE MAGAZINE. 712 00:29:01,250 --> 00:29:03,118 - OH, OKAY. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR. 713 00:29:03,152 --> 00:29:05,087 - YEAH. - THAT'S NOT REALLY AN ARTICLE. 714 00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:06,822 - KIND OF LIKE-- SOME OF MY MORE FAMOUS ONES, 715 00:29:06,856 --> 00:29:09,258 I ASKED, "IS TOM CRUISE A GOOD GUY?" 716 00:29:09,291 --> 00:29:11,560 THAT WAS ONE OF MY QUESTIONS. BUT BACK TO THE STORY-- 717 00:29:11,593 --> 00:29:13,095 - WHAT WAS-- WHAT WAS THE ANSWER, IF I MAY? 718 00:29:13,128 --> 00:29:14,529 - THE ANSWER WAS, "YES, HE IS A GOOD GUY." 719 00:29:14,563 --> 00:29:15,998 - FANTASTIC. I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT. 720 00:29:16,031 --> 00:29:18,000 - IT WAS SOME GOOD INSIGHT PROVIDED. 721 00:29:18,033 --> 00:29:20,069 - SO, JIM, YOU ARE A STAND-UP COMEDIAN. 722 00:29:20,102 --> 00:29:21,403 - YES, I AM. 723 00:29:21,436 --> 00:29:23,238 - HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH HECKLERS? 724 00:29:23,272 --> 00:29:24,874 TELL YOU WHAT, WHY DON'T I JUST ASK YOU A QUESTION... 725 00:29:24,907 --> 00:29:26,075 - OKAY. 726 00:29:26,108 --> 00:29:27,409 - AND THEN REGGIE AND I WILL HECKLE YOU, 727 00:29:27,442 --> 00:29:28,010 AND WE'LL SEE HOW YOU DEAL WITH IT. 728 00:29:28,043 --> 00:29:29,845 - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. 729 00:29:29,879 --> 00:29:30,846 - SO, UH, JIM, WHERE WERE YOU BORN? 730 00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:33,282 - [bleep] YOU. 731 00:29:33,315 --> 00:29:35,550 - WOW. SO YOU JUST PREEMPTIVELY DO THAT 732 00:29:35,584 --> 00:29:37,252 BEFORE ANYONE EVEN GETS A CHANCE TO DO IT? 733 00:29:37,286 --> 00:29:39,054 - YOUR MOM'S FAT. 734 00:29:39,088 --> 00:29:40,856 - REGGIE, ARE YOU EVER HECKLED? 735 00:29:40,890 --> 00:29:43,158 - YEAH. DEFINITELY. 736 00:29:43,192 --> 00:29:45,227 - DO YOU EVER FEEL SAD WHEN THAT HAPPENS? 737 00:29:45,260 --> 00:29:47,262 - I MEAN, IT'S OKAY. 738 00:29:47,296 --> 00:29:49,264 - YEAH. DO YOU EVER FEEL SAD? 739 00:29:49,298 --> 00:29:51,500 - ISN'T THAT WHAT FOOD'S FOR? - OH, RIGHT. 740 00:29:51,533 --> 00:29:53,368 - YOU DON'T FEEL SAD IF YOU'RE EATING. 741 00:29:53,402 --> 00:29:55,004 - [chuckles] - RIGHT? 742 00:29:55,037 --> 00:29:56,005 - THAT'S TRUE. 743 00:29:56,038 --> 00:29:57,472 - [grunts] - SORRY. 744 00:29:57,506 --> 00:30:00,509 - YOU STOLE MY RED SHOES WHILE I WAS SLEEPING. 745 00:30:00,542 --> 00:30:02,044 - NO, THESE ARE MINE. - THESE ARE HIS, HOOCH. 746 00:30:02,077 --> 00:30:04,179 - THOSE ARE MINE, MAN. - HOOCH! 747 00:30:04,213 --> 00:30:06,281 - THIS IS BULL[bleep]. 748 00:30:06,315 --> 00:30:08,583 I GO TO SLEEP, YOU STEAL MY SHOES. 749 00:30:08,617 --> 00:30:10,886 - THE POPE GAVE ME THESE SHOES, HOOCH. 750 00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:12,354 ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? 751 00:30:12,387 --> 00:30:14,289 - NO, MAN, I NEED SOME SLEEP. 752 00:30:14,323 --> 00:30:16,091 - ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TRY TO KEEP IT DOWN, HOOCH. SORRY. 753 00:30:16,125 --> 00:30:17,092 - JUST KEEP IT DOWN. - SORRY. 754 00:30:17,126 --> 00:30:18,427 - YEAH, SORRY. 755 00:30:18,460 --> 00:30:20,295 - STARTED DREAMING ABOUT A STOOL. 756 00:30:20,329 --> 00:30:24,166 - JIM, DO YOU THINK COMEDIANS SHOULD STEAL EACH OTHER'S JOKES? 757 00:30:24,199 --> 00:30:25,935 - I WOULD SAY PROBABLY NO. - HMM. 758 00:30:25,968 --> 00:30:28,003 - THAT USUALLY IS A BAD THING. 759 00:30:28,037 --> 00:30:30,139 - THERE'S A BIG DEBATE ON THAT ISSUE. 760 00:30:30,172 --> 00:30:33,008 - I'M GONNA GO OUT ON A LIMB AND SAY THAT I'M AGAINST RACISM. 761 00:30:33,042 --> 00:30:34,376 - WOW. REGGIE THAT-- THAT AFFECTS YOU DIRECTLY. 762 00:30:34,409 --> 00:30:36,445 - [exhales deeply] YEAH. 763 00:30:36,478 --> 00:30:38,280 - I ALSO SUPPORT THE TROOPS. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS. 764 00:30:38,313 --> 00:30:40,015 - I DON'T GO THAT FAR. - YEAH. 765 00:30:40,049 --> 00:30:42,084 - JIM, THEY SAY THAT LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE. 766 00:30:42,117 --> 00:30:44,019 - YES. 767 00:30:44,053 --> 00:30:46,121 - IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE SECOND-BEST MEDICINE? 768 00:30:46,155 --> 00:30:47,289 - UM, WELL, THAT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION. 769 00:30:47,322 --> 00:30:49,291 - THANK YOU. 770 00:30:49,324 --> 00:30:52,928 - I WOULD SAY THE SECOND-BEST MEDICINE IS PROBABLY, UM, SLEEP. 771 00:30:52,962 --> 00:30:54,263 - JUST SLEEP IT OFF. REALLY? 772 00:30:54,296 --> 00:30:55,630 - WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HANGOVERS OR...? 773 00:30:55,664 --> 00:30:58,467 - ANYTHING. CANCER, BROKEN LEG. - CANCER-- 774 00:30:58,500 --> 00:31:00,035 I DON'T KNOW IF-- - ANYTHING IN THAT SPECTRUM-- 775 00:31:00,069 --> 00:31:02,104 CANCER, BROKEN LEG. 776 00:31:02,137 --> 00:31:05,174 - I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH CANCER HAS BEEN CURED BY LAUGHTER. 777 00:31:05,207 --> 00:31:06,541 SEE, THAT SEEMS LIKE IT WOULD BE BAD. 778 00:31:06,575 --> 00:31:08,543 LIKE, I'VE GOT-- I'VE GOT COLON CANCER, 779 00:31:08,577 --> 00:31:10,579 AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE, "HA HA HA!" 780 00:31:10,612 --> 00:31:13,949 I DON'T KNOW IF A CANCER PATIENT WOULD REACT POSITIVELY TO THAT. 781 00:31:13,983 --> 00:31:16,185 - WAIT, SO YOU'RE THE DOCTOR LAUGHING AT THEM? 782 00:31:16,218 --> 00:31:18,220 - WELL, IF LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE-- 783 00:31:18,253 --> 00:31:20,389 - I THINK WHAT THAT MEANS IS THAT 784 00:31:20,422 --> 00:31:22,057 IF THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU, 785 00:31:22,091 --> 00:31:24,526 YOU LAUGHING HELPS, NOT PEOPLE LAUGHING AT YOU. 786 00:31:24,559 --> 00:31:27,162 - OH, SO YOU'RE TURNING IT ON ITS SIDE. 787 00:31:27,196 --> 00:31:30,065 WOW. SO THE DOCTOR HAS CANCER. 788 00:31:33,435 --> 00:31:35,037 - SO, JIM, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO ASK YOU, 789 00:31:35,070 --> 00:31:36,738 HOW DO YOU JUGGLE WORK AND FAMILY? 790 00:31:36,771 --> 00:31:40,075 - WELL, I'M NOT PHYSICALLY JUGGLING THEM. 791 00:31:40,109 --> 00:31:41,710 BUT I, UH--I'M-- - WHA-- 792 00:31:41,743 --> 00:31:43,478 SORRY, EXCUSE ME. 793 00:31:43,512 --> 00:31:45,214 WHO ARE YOU GUYS? - OH, THESE ARE-- 794 00:31:45,247 --> 00:31:48,017 THESE ARE GUYS FROM MY REALITY SHOW. 795 00:31:48,050 --> 00:31:50,085 - OH, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A REALITY SHOW. 796 00:31:50,119 --> 00:31:52,054 - OH, YEAH. YEAH, I GOT A REALITY SHOW. 797 00:31:52,087 --> 00:31:55,090 THEY CAPTURE EVERYTHING. THEY FOLLOW ME, YOU KNOW. 798 00:31:55,124 --> 00:31:57,692 FROM THE BEDROOM TO THE BATHROOM, YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING. 799 00:31:57,726 --> 00:31:59,294 YOU WANT TO SEE A CLIP? 800 00:31:59,328 --> 00:32:02,264 - OH, OKAY, LET'S CHECK OUT THAT CLIP. 801 00:32:02,297 --> 00:32:06,335 [peppy music] 802 00:32:06,368 --> 00:32:08,637 - SO I'M REALLY EXCITED 'CAUSE TODAY I GET TO BE 803 00:32:08,670 --> 00:32:11,373 ON MY FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW OF ALL TIME. 804 00:32:11,406 --> 00:32:13,708 COMEDY BANG! BANG! 805 00:32:13,742 --> 00:32:16,145 IT'S GONNA BE GOOD. IT'S GONNA BE GOOD. 806 00:32:16,178 --> 00:32:19,048 [upbeat music] 807 00:32:19,081 --> 00:32:22,351 * 808 00:32:22,384 --> 00:32:25,320 [upbeat music] 809 00:32:25,354 --> 00:32:29,091 * 810 00:32:29,124 --> 00:32:31,426 - YOU MAY KNOW HIM FROM HIS BREAKOUT ROLE 811 00:32:31,460 --> 00:32:34,263 AS TONIGHT'S FIRST GUEST FROM THE TV SHOW COMEDY BANG! BANG! 812 00:32:34,296 --> 00:32:36,165 PLEASE WELCOME JIM GAFFIGAN. 813 00:32:36,198 --> 00:32:37,666 [serene music] 814 00:32:37,699 --> 00:32:41,036 - WHAT MAKES THE SHOW SO GREAT IS SCOTT AUKERMAN 815 00:32:41,070 --> 00:32:44,373 IS REALLY, REALLY GOOD AT HOSTING. 816 00:32:44,406 --> 00:32:46,741 - JIM, THEY SAY THAT LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE. 817 00:32:46,775 --> 00:32:48,510 - YES. 818 00:32:48,543 --> 00:32:50,545 - IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE SECOND-BEST MEDICINE? 819 00:32:50,579 --> 00:32:52,314 - WELL, THAT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION. 820 00:32:52,347 --> 00:32:53,782 - THANK YOU. 821 00:32:53,815 --> 00:32:55,384 - OR SO I THOUGHT. 822 00:32:55,417 --> 00:32:59,221 - OH, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A REALITY SHOW. 823 00:32:59,254 --> 00:33:01,423 - HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD A REALITY SHOW. 824 00:33:01,456 --> 00:33:03,825 - [slowed down] I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A REALITY SHOW. 825 00:33:03,858 --> 00:33:06,195 - DO SOME RESEARCH, MAN! 826 00:33:06,228 --> 00:33:10,199 - LOOK, I LOVE SCOTT, BUT SOMETIMES HE MISTREATS PEOPLE. 827 00:33:10,232 --> 00:33:11,833 AND I COULDN'T LET THAT SLIDE. 828 00:33:11,866 --> 00:33:14,403 WHAT'S YOUR DEAL, BRO? 829 00:33:14,436 --> 00:33:17,506 NO ONE TREATS JIM GAFFIGAN LIKE THAT! 830 00:33:17,539 --> 00:33:19,208 [dramatic music] 831 00:33:19,241 --> 00:33:22,444 - [sighs] 832 00:33:22,477 --> 00:33:24,346 - HMM. WELL, THAT LOOKS INTERESTING. 833 00:33:24,379 --> 00:33:25,780 GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. 834 00:33:25,814 --> 00:33:27,782 - WHAT'S YOUR DEAL, BRO? 835 00:33:27,816 --> 00:33:31,586 - NO ONE TREATS JIM GAFFIGAN LIKE THAT! 836 00:33:31,620 --> 00:33:33,655 - WELL, THEN COME ON, BRO, LET'S DO THIS! 837 00:33:33,688 --> 00:33:34,856 - WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! - LET'S DO THIS! 838 00:33:34,889 --> 00:33:36,191 - WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? 839 00:33:36,225 --> 00:33:38,560 - UH, NOTHING. 840 00:33:38,593 --> 00:33:41,396 WE'RE JUST, UH, HAVING A MID-SHOW HUG. 841 00:33:41,430 --> 00:33:44,133 [chuckles] HI, REGGIE. 842 00:33:44,166 --> 00:33:46,168 - GOOD. 843 00:33:46,201 --> 00:33:47,869 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NO MORE SCREWUPS. 844 00:33:47,902 --> 00:33:49,471 - HEY, THAT'S MY JOB. 845 00:33:49,504 --> 00:33:51,240 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NO MORE SCREWUPS. 846 00:33:51,273 --> 00:33:52,407 - [giggling] 847 00:33:52,441 --> 00:33:55,277 [upbeat guitar music] 848 00:33:55,310 --> 00:33:57,779 * 849 00:34:00,515 --> 00:34:02,484 - YOU'VE WATCHED THE SHOW. 850 00:34:02,517 --> 00:34:05,554 YOU'VE LOVED THE SHOW. 851 00:34:05,587 --> 00:34:09,291 NOW BE THE SHOW. 852 00:34:09,324 --> 00:34:13,795 COMEDY BANG! BANG!: CALL TO ACTION, THE VIDEO GAME. 853 00:34:13,828 --> 00:34:16,731 [blipping] 854 00:34:19,401 --> 00:34:21,870 USING THE "PADDLE" TO BOUNCE THE "BALL" AROUND 855 00:34:21,903 --> 00:34:24,773 REALLY SIMULATED THE WAY THAT I USE MY MOUTH 856 00:34:24,806 --> 00:34:27,642 TO MAKE CONVERSATIONAL TOPICS BOUNCE AROUND ON THE TV SHOW. 857 00:34:27,676 --> 00:34:28,643 - FREEZE! 858 00:34:28,677 --> 00:34:30,545 YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR MAKING A VIDEO GAME 859 00:34:30,579 --> 00:34:32,747 THAT'S NOTHING LIKE THE TV SHOW IT'S BASED ON. 860 00:34:32,781 --> 00:34:34,649 [gunshot] 861 00:34:34,683 --> 00:34:37,386 - YES... [blipping] 862 00:35:01,943 --> 00:35:03,445 - INCREDIBLE HOW THE SKIN JUST FELL OFF MY ARM 863 00:35:03,478 --> 00:35:04,946 LIKE A PLASTIC GLOVE. 864 00:35:04,979 --> 00:35:06,715 - WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW. 865 00:35:06,748 --> 00:35:07,916 WE'RE HERE WITH JIM GAFFIGAN, AND DR. LLOYD FLEEN 866 00:35:07,949 --> 00:35:09,618 WILL BE OUT HERE IN JUST A SECOND. 867 00:35:09,651 --> 00:35:11,553 REGGIE AND I MADE UP OVER THE BREAK. 868 00:35:11,586 --> 00:35:13,855 AND NOW, THIS IS THE PART-- 869 00:35:13,888 --> 00:35:15,690 - HEY, MAN. KEEP IT DOWN. 870 00:35:15,724 --> 00:35:17,226 I'M TRYING TO HAVE A WET DREAM OVER HERE. 871 00:35:17,259 --> 00:35:18,593 - HOOCH-- 872 00:35:18,627 --> 00:35:19,928 - HOW MANY WET DREAMS CAN HE HAVE? 873 00:35:19,961 --> 00:35:22,564 - I CAN HAVE FOUR IN ONE DAY. 874 00:35:22,597 --> 00:35:24,233 - PLEASE DON'T DO THAT ON OUR COUCH. 875 00:35:24,266 --> 00:35:25,734 REGGIE, DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR OUR GUEST? 876 00:35:25,767 --> 00:35:29,304 - YEAH, YOU HAVE A VERY FAMOUS JOKE, UM, ABOUT CREPES. 877 00:35:29,338 --> 00:35:31,373 I WAS WONDERING, DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER FUTURE JOKES 878 00:35:31,406 --> 00:35:33,642 ABOUT OTHER HANDHELD FOODS? 879 00:35:33,675 --> 00:35:35,944 - I-I DO HAVE A LOT OF CREPE JOKES. 880 00:35:35,977 --> 00:35:38,313 BUT, UM, THEY'RE GONNA BE ON MY NEXT SPECIAL, 881 00:35:38,347 --> 00:35:39,581 AND I DON'T WANT TO REALLY GIVE 'EM AWAY. 882 00:35:39,614 --> 00:35:41,516 - AH. 883 00:35:41,550 --> 00:35:43,285 - ALL RIGHT, WELL, BEFORE THE SHOW GOES ANY FURTHER, 884 00:35:43,318 --> 00:35:44,586 I DID WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE 885 00:35:44,619 --> 00:35:46,421 THIS REALLY COOL THING I GOT AT A FLEA MARKET. 886 00:35:46,455 --> 00:35:47,922 - OH, AWESOME. - CHECK THIS OUT. 887 00:35:47,956 --> 00:35:50,392 IT'S A ROBOTIC SINGING FISH. [laughs] 888 00:35:50,425 --> 00:35:51,626 - THAT'S NOT A REAL FISH. NOT A REAL FISH. 889 00:35:51,660 --> 00:35:53,662 - NO, NO, NO, THIS-- NO, NO, NO. 890 00:35:53,695 --> 00:35:55,264 BUT, UM, WHEN I PRESS THIS BUTTON IT SINGS, 891 00:35:55,297 --> 00:35:56,698 AND WOULDN'T IT BE HILARIOUS, REGGIE, 892 00:35:56,731 --> 00:35:58,967 TO PUT THIS ON OUR WALL? - YEAH. 893 00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:00,502 - IMAGINE THAT-- A TALKING ANIMAL ON OUR WALL. 894 00:36:00,535 --> 00:36:01,870 HERE, CHECK THIS OUT. 895 00:36:01,903 --> 00:36:05,274 - * HERE'S A LITTLE TUNE I SCRIBED * 896 00:36:05,307 --> 00:36:07,576 - [sighs] - [sighs] 897 00:36:07,609 --> 00:36:09,278 - * YOU MIGHT WANT TO SING IT LINE BY LINE * 898 00:36:09,311 --> 00:36:10,245 [machinery whirs] * DON'T BE ANXIOUS 899 00:36:10,279 --> 00:36:11,580 * 900 00:36:11,613 --> 00:36:13,382 - [groans] 901 00:36:13,415 --> 00:36:15,250 - * BE JOYFUL - [laughs] 902 00:36:15,284 --> 00:36:17,686 SO, YEAH, LET'S JUST PUT THIS UP ON THE WALL AND-- 903 00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:19,688 - SCOTT, YOU ALREADY HAVE ANIMALS ON THE WALL. 904 00:36:19,721 --> 00:36:22,624 BUT IF YOU LIKE SINGING, WELL, WE COULD SING. 905 00:36:22,657 --> 00:36:24,893 AND A-ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR. 906 00:36:24,926 --> 00:36:26,595 all: [out of tune] * WE LIKE TO SING 907 00:36:26,628 --> 00:36:29,698 * WE LIKE SINGING, I KNOW 908 00:36:29,731 --> 00:36:32,667 - OOH, THAT IS TERRIBLE SINGING 909 00:36:32,701 --> 00:36:34,636 AND A VERY POORLY WRITTEN SONG, I MIGHT ADD. 910 00:36:34,669 --> 00:36:36,371 BUT YOU GUYS ARE MY FRIENDS, 911 00:36:36,405 --> 00:36:37,872 AND IF YOU DON'T WANT THIS FISH ON THE WALL, 912 00:36:37,906 --> 00:36:38,940 WELL, IT IS OUT OF HERE. ERIC? 913 00:36:38,973 --> 00:36:40,642 - ALL RIGHT! - YAY! 914 00:36:40,675 --> 00:36:41,943 - GOOD-BYE, FISH! - YEAH! 915 00:36:45,447 --> 00:36:47,282 * 916 00:36:47,316 --> 00:36:49,384 - WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE ROOM 917 00:36:49,418 --> 00:36:50,752 FOR PLATINUM RECORDS ON MY MANTEL? 918 00:36:50,785 --> 00:36:53,588 YOU'RE MY CARPENTER. MAKE ROOM. 919 00:36:53,622 --> 00:36:56,958 - * DON'T BE ANXIOUS - HOLD THE PHONE. 920 00:36:56,991 --> 00:36:58,693 - * BE JOYFUL 921 00:36:58,727 --> 00:37:00,995 [cash register rings] 922 00:37:01,029 --> 00:37:03,998 - * HERE'S A LITTLE TUNE I SCRIBED * 923 00:37:04,032 --> 00:37:07,569 * YOU MIGHT WANT TO SING IT LINE BY LINE * 924 00:37:07,602 --> 00:37:10,939 * DON'T BE ANXIOUS 925 00:37:10,972 --> 00:37:15,677 * BE JOYFUL 926 00:37:15,710 --> 00:37:18,547 * HERE'S A LITTLE TUNE I SCRIBED * 927 00:37:18,580 --> 00:37:22,417 * YOU MIGHT WANT TO SING IT LINE BY LINE * 928 00:37:22,451 --> 00:37:24,953 * DON'T BE ANXIOUS 929 00:37:24,986 --> 00:37:27,722 * BE JOYFUL 930 00:37:27,756 --> 00:37:28,690 - HEY, BOBBY! 931 00:37:28,723 --> 00:37:29,991 BOBBY! 932 00:37:30,024 --> 00:37:31,960 IT'S YOUR COUSIN MARVIN! 933 00:37:31,993 --> 00:37:33,728 MARVIN MCFERRIN. 934 00:37:33,762 --> 00:37:35,697 MAN, YOU GOT TO HEAR THIS! [laughs] 935 00:37:35,730 --> 00:37:38,400 - * DON'T BE ANXIOUS 936 00:37:38,433 --> 00:37:40,869 - YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN? I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD SUE THIS FISH. 937 00:37:40,902 --> 00:37:42,837 YEAH, FOR RIPPING OFF YOUR SONG! 938 00:37:42,871 --> 00:37:45,674 AND I'LL HELP YOU DO THAT, 'CAUSE I'M ALSO YOUR LAWYER. 939 00:37:45,707 --> 00:37:48,109 I'M BOTH YOUR COUSIN AND YOUR LAWYER-- 940 00:37:48,142 --> 00:37:51,446 MARVIN MCFERRIN, ATTORNEY AT LAW. 941 00:37:51,480 --> 00:37:54,516 [dramatic music] 942 00:37:54,549 --> 00:37:57,852 - ORDER! ORDER! 943 00:37:57,886 --> 00:37:59,454 WILL THE STENOGRAPHER PLEASE READ BACK 944 00:37:59,488 --> 00:38:00,655 THE DEFENDANT'S TESTIMONY? 945 00:38:00,689 --> 00:38:03,458 - "LISTEN TO THIS TUNE I SCRIBED. 946 00:38:03,492 --> 00:38:05,460 IT IS FUN TO SING IT LINE BY LINE." 947 00:38:05,494 --> 00:38:07,996 - OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR! HE'S LYING THROUGH HIS GILLS! 948 00:38:08,029 --> 00:38:09,364 - JEEZ. - [groans] 949 00:38:09,398 --> 00:38:11,132 - WHAT? 950 00:38:11,165 --> 00:38:12,901 JUST BECAUSE I'M AN ATTORNEY, I CAN'T BE FUNNY? 951 00:38:12,934 --> 00:38:15,404 YOUR HONOR, I'M GONNA NEED TO TELL JOKES TO PLEAD MY CASE. 952 00:38:15,437 --> 00:38:17,672 - ENOUGH! I'VE REACHED MY DECISION. 953 00:38:17,706 --> 00:38:20,542 SEEING AS THE DEFENDANT IS A FAKE FISH 954 00:38:20,575 --> 00:38:22,377 AND THIS ENTIRE TRIAL IS PRETTY STUPID, 955 00:38:22,411 --> 00:38:25,747 I'M DECLARING IT TO BE A MISTRIAL! 956 00:38:25,780 --> 00:38:28,049 - AWESOME! - NO. 957 00:38:28,082 --> 00:38:29,651 - THAT'S BAD, RIGHT? - YEAH. 958 00:38:29,684 --> 00:38:31,620 - LOOK UP "MISTRIAL." 959 00:38:31,653 --> 00:38:34,155 [suspenseful music] 960 00:38:34,188 --> 00:38:36,758 - HMM. 961 00:38:36,791 --> 00:38:39,628 WELL, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE JIM GAFFIGAN, 962 00:38:39,661 --> 00:38:41,796 AND DR. LLOYD FLEEN IS COMING UP--COME ON BACK. 963 00:38:41,830 --> 00:38:43,698 - YOU SHOULD READ THAT TOO. - OH, I'M SORRY. 964 00:38:43,732 --> 00:38:45,467 NO, I WASN'T GOING TO THROW THIS AWAY. 965 00:38:45,500 --> 00:38:47,068 YOU CAN--YEAH, GO AHEAD. IT'S A PRETTY INTERESTING STORY. 966 00:38:50,705 --> 00:38:52,574 - WHAT HAPPENED TO AL ROKER, WHERE HE DID IT IN HIS PANTS-- 967 00:38:52,607 --> 00:38:54,809 THAT HAPPENED TO ME RIGHT NOW. - OH, MY G-- 968 00:38:54,843 --> 00:38:57,679 HEY, WELCOME BACK. WE'RE HERE WITH JIM GAFFIGAN, 969 00:38:57,712 --> 00:38:59,714 AND WE'RE STILL ONE STRIKE AWAY FROM BEING FIRED. 970 00:38:59,748 --> 00:39:02,784 BUT OUR NEXT GUEST IS HERE TO HELP ELEVATE THE CONVERSATION. 971 00:39:02,817 --> 00:39:04,653 HE'S A BRILLIANT SCIENTIST 972 00:39:04,686 --> 00:39:06,588 WITH A NEW INVENTION HE WANTS TO SHARE WITH US. 973 00:39:06,621 --> 00:39:09,123 PLEASE WELCOME DR. LLOYD FLEEN. 974 00:39:09,157 --> 00:39:11,693 [upbeat keyboard music] 975 00:39:11,726 --> 00:39:13,795 HI, DR. FLEEN. - HI. 976 00:39:13,828 --> 00:39:15,764 - SO NICE TO MEET YOU. 977 00:39:15,797 --> 00:39:17,532 - THANKS FOR HAVING ME ON THE SHOW--I'M REALLY EXCITED. 978 00:39:17,566 --> 00:39:19,067 - OH, GREAT. OKAY, AND YOU'RE A QUANTUM PHYSICIST. 979 00:39:19,100 --> 00:39:20,769 TELL ME A LITTLE BIT ABOUT QUANTUM PHYSICS. 980 00:39:20,802 --> 00:39:22,437 - WELL, HERE'S WHAT I DO, SCOTT. 981 00:39:22,471 --> 00:39:25,874 I LIKE TO FOCUS ON PARTICLES ON A MICROSCOPIC SCALE. 982 00:39:25,907 --> 00:39:27,542 - OKAY, WELL, THAT SOUNDS REALLY INTERESTING. 983 00:39:27,576 --> 00:39:29,711 AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A BRAND-NEW DISCOVERY 984 00:39:29,744 --> 00:39:31,045 THAT YOU WANT TO SHARE WITH EVERYONE. 985 00:39:31,079 --> 00:39:33,448 - OH, YES. I CERTAINLY DO, SCOTT. 986 00:39:33,482 --> 00:39:34,883 - OKAY. 987 00:39:34,916 --> 00:39:36,184 - TAKE A LOOK AT MY GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT. 988 00:39:36,217 --> 00:39:38,687 [triumphant music] - MY WORD, THAT IS BIG. 989 00:39:38,720 --> 00:39:40,555 WHAT EXACTLY IS THAT THING? 990 00:39:40,589 --> 00:39:44,125 - SCOTT, THIS HERE IS A MACHINE THAT TELEPORTS YOUR HANDS 991 00:39:44,158 --> 00:39:47,596 SO YOU CAN TOUCH YOUR WIFE'S TITS. 992 00:39:47,629 --> 00:39:49,631 - W-WHAT? 993 00:39:49,664 --> 00:39:51,633 - IT TELEPORTS YOUR HANDS SO YOU CAN TOUCH YOUR WIFE'S TITS. 994 00:39:51,666 --> 00:39:52,834 HERE'S HOW IT WORKS. 995 00:39:52,867 --> 00:39:54,869 YOU REACH YOUR HANDS IN THE MACHINE, 996 00:39:54,903 --> 00:39:57,706 IT TELEPORTS THEM WHEREVER YOUR WIFE MAY BE, 997 00:39:57,739 --> 00:39:59,207 AND YOU TOUCH HER TITS. 998 00:39:59,240 --> 00:40:02,010 - WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, BACK UP. IT--IT TELEPORTS? 999 00:40:02,043 --> 00:40:04,212 THIS IS GONNA REVOLUTIONIZE TRANSPORTATION. 1000 00:40:04,245 --> 00:40:05,780 THIS IS CRAZY. 1001 00:40:05,814 --> 00:40:07,816 - OOH, SCOTT, NO, IT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING 1002 00:40:07,849 --> 00:40:09,818 TO DO WITH TRANSPORTATION, 1003 00:40:09,851 --> 00:40:12,153 IT'S SPECIFICALLY FOR TOUCHING YOUR WIFE'S TITS. 1004 00:40:12,186 --> 00:40:13,888 - NO, NO, NO, NO, DR. FLEEN, 1005 00:40:13,922 --> 00:40:15,123 YOU MADE IT BIG ENOUGH THAT YOU COULD 1006 00:40:15,156 --> 00:40:16,991 JUST PUT YOUR WHOLE BODY IN THERE. 1007 00:40:17,025 --> 00:40:19,594 - WHY WOULD YOU NEED YOUR WHOLE BODY TO TOUCH YOUR WIFE'S TITS? 1008 00:40:19,628 --> 00:40:21,029 YOU JUST USE YOUR HANDS. 1009 00:40:21,062 --> 00:40:22,797 - NO, I'M SAYING YOU COULD WALK INTO IT, RIGHT? 1010 00:40:22,831 --> 00:40:24,566 - UH-HUH. YEAH. 1011 00:40:24,599 --> 00:40:25,567 - AND THEN YOU WOULD BE TRANSPORTED... 1012 00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:27,101 - OKAY. 1013 00:40:27,135 --> 00:40:28,202 - ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO IN THE WORLD, 1014 00:40:28,236 --> 00:40:29,203 LIKE--LIKE FRANCE. 1015 00:40:29,237 --> 00:40:31,940 - MY WIFE LIVES IN GLENDALE, 1016 00:40:31,973 --> 00:40:34,843 SO FRANCE WOULD BE KIND OF A WASTE OF TIME. 1017 00:40:34,876 --> 00:40:36,745 - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, FORGET ABOUT YOUR WIFE. 1018 00:40:36,778 --> 00:40:39,147 - UH, NO. I LOVE MY WIFE. 1019 00:40:39,180 --> 00:40:41,550 - NO--I--OKAY, I REALIZE YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE, 1020 00:40:41,583 --> 00:40:44,285 BUT WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS THINK OF THE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE 1021 00:40:44,318 --> 00:40:46,187 WHO FLY ON AIRPLANES EVERY SINGLE DAY, OKAY? 1022 00:40:46,220 --> 00:40:47,822 - MM-HMM. 1023 00:40:47,856 --> 00:40:49,824 - THEY WOULD REALLY WANT TO USE YOUR MACHINE. 1024 00:40:49,858 --> 00:40:53,227 - SCOTT, I COULD MAKE A FORTUNE. - YES! 1025 00:40:53,261 --> 00:40:55,296 - I CAN PUT THE MACHINE ON THE PLANE, 1026 00:40:55,329 --> 00:40:58,199 AND PEOPLE CAN TOUCH THEIR WIVES' TITS WHILE THEY FLY! 1027 00:40:58,232 --> 00:41:00,635 AUKERMAN, YOU'VE DONE-- OH. 1028 00:41:00,669 --> 00:41:01,803 THE MACHINE WON'T FIT ON A PLANE. 1029 00:41:01,836 --> 00:41:03,204 - [sighs] 1030 00:41:03,237 --> 00:41:05,674 - NEVER MIND. - OKAY, ALL RIGHT. 1031 00:41:05,707 --> 00:41:06,841 DR. FLEEN, THIS IS JUST FOR YOUR HANDS, THAT'S IT? 1032 00:41:06,875 --> 00:41:08,810 IT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE? 1033 00:41:08,843 --> 00:41:10,945 - WELL, IT'S ACTUALLY GOT A PRETTY AMAZING FEATURE. 1034 00:41:10,979 --> 00:41:13,815 I AM QUITE GLAD THAT YOU ASKED, SCOTT. 1035 00:41:13,848 --> 00:41:16,851 FEAST YOUR EYES OVER HERE. 1036 00:41:16,885 --> 00:41:20,154 I'VE ATTACHED A PHONE SO YOU CAN CALL AHEAD, 1037 00:41:20,188 --> 00:41:22,624 TELL YOUR WIFE TO TAKE OFF HER BRA. 1038 00:41:22,657 --> 00:41:24,726 - I'M SORRY. 1039 00:41:24,759 --> 00:41:27,562 DR. FLEEN, I THINK IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD THAT YOU'RE A GROWN MAN, 1040 00:41:27,596 --> 00:41:30,932 A SCIENTIST, AND YOU'RE OBSESSING OVER TOUCHING BREASTS? 1041 00:41:30,965 --> 00:41:32,701 - WELL, IF YOU THINK THAT THAT'S WEIRD, 1042 00:41:32,734 --> 00:41:34,736 THEN CALL ME "KING WEIRDO," SCOTT, 1043 00:41:34,769 --> 00:41:37,071 BECAUSE I MARRIED A ROUND-CHESTED WOMAN, 1044 00:41:37,105 --> 00:41:40,609 AND BY GOD, I'M GONNA TOUCH HER TITS TILL THE DAY I DIE. 1045 00:41:40,642 --> 00:41:42,276 - THAT'S ACTUALLY REALLY SWEET. OKAY. 1046 00:41:42,310 --> 00:41:44,212 - YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT'S SWEET, SCOTT. 1047 00:41:44,245 --> 00:41:45,947 NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, 1048 00:41:45,980 --> 00:41:49,317 I HAVE SOME WORK TO DO. 1049 00:41:49,350 --> 00:41:50,919 [dial clicking] 1050 00:41:50,952 --> 00:41:52,687 UH, HEY, HONEY, CAN YOU LOSE THE BRASSIERE? 1051 00:41:52,721 --> 00:41:55,924 IT'S TIT-TOUCHING TIME. [chuckles] OKAY. 1052 00:41:55,957 --> 00:41:58,727 [machine whooshes] - WHOA. 1053 00:41:58,760 --> 00:42:01,696 - TIT-TOUCHING... 1054 00:42:01,730 --> 00:42:02,864 TIME. 1055 00:42:02,897 --> 00:42:03,832 - THAT'S HOW YOU WARM UP? 1056 00:42:03,865 --> 00:42:05,600 - OH, YEAH. 1057 00:42:05,634 --> 00:42:07,836 OH, YEAH. THAT'S GO-- 1058 00:42:07,869 --> 00:42:09,270 - HI, HONEY. YOU FORGOT YOUR LUNCH AT HOME, 1059 00:42:09,303 --> 00:42:10,705 SO I CAME TO DROP IT OFF. 1060 00:42:10,739 --> 00:42:11,940 - WHA-- 1061 00:42:11,973 --> 00:42:14,609 - BARBARA FLEEN? 1062 00:42:14,643 --> 00:42:17,211 BUT IF YOU'RE HERE, THEN WHO IS HE-- 1063 00:42:17,245 --> 00:42:19,614 [sultry jazz music] - WHOO-HOO-HOO! 1064 00:42:19,648 --> 00:42:22,316 [giggling] 1065 00:42:22,350 --> 00:42:23,952 HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK THERE? 1066 00:42:23,985 --> 00:42:25,887 [laughing] 1067 00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:27,889 AH... CAN YOU BLAME ME? 1068 00:42:27,922 --> 00:42:31,292 - UH, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 1069 00:42:31,325 --> 00:42:32,761 - WHERE'S THE MUSIC? 1070 00:42:32,794 --> 00:42:34,295 - OH, UM... 1071 00:42:34,328 --> 00:42:37,298 * BA, BA, BA, BUM [beatboxes] 1072 00:42:37,331 --> 00:42:39,067 - GET THE FLEENS INVOLVED. 1073 00:42:39,100 --> 00:42:40,869 - FLEENS, COME ON. [all scatting] 1074 00:42:40,902 --> 00:42:42,971 - * BOO, DOO-BOO 1075 00:42:43,004 --> 00:42:44,706 * BOO, DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO - * BA BA, BA-BA, BUH-- 1076 00:42:44,739 --> 00:42:46,675 BOO-DOO, BOO-DOO? - * BOO, DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO 1077 00:42:46,708 --> 00:42:48,009 - NO, NO, BAH, BAH, BAH. - * OOH, BOO-BOO, BOO-BOO 1078 00:42:50,779 --> 00:42:52,647 - SINCE I WAS 15, 1079 00:42:52,681 --> 00:42:54,816 YEAH, THE MURDER CONVICTION ISN'T EVEN ON MY RECORD. 1080 00:42:54,849 --> 00:42:56,350 - OH, I'VE HEARD THAT. HEY, WELCOME BACK. 1081 00:42:56,384 --> 00:42:58,386 WE'RE HERE WITH JIM GAFFIGAN, AND WHAT A SHOW. 1082 00:42:58,419 --> 00:42:59,821 - HEY, THE SHOWER'S COMPLETELY OUT OF HOT WATER. 1083 00:42:59,854 --> 00:43:01,422 - [scoffs] HOOCH. 1084 00:43:01,455 --> 00:43:03,825 - MY PUBES ARE ALL OVER YOUR SOAP. IT'S DISGUSTING. 1085 00:43:03,858 --> 00:43:05,293 - HEY, THANKS, MAN. 1086 00:43:05,326 --> 00:43:06,928 SEE? HE GETS IT. 1087 00:43:06,961 --> 00:43:08,963 HE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A COMFORTABLE PILLOW FOR A GUY. 1088 00:43:08,997 --> 00:43:10,832 - WHOA, NO. HEY, HOLD ON. 1089 00:43:10,865 --> 00:43:12,667 - HOOCH, COME ON, MAN, 1090 00:43:12,701 --> 00:43:14,302 YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA BE GONE BY THE END OF THE SHOW. 1091 00:43:14,335 --> 00:43:18,072 MY BOSS IS GONNA BE BACK HERE ANY MINUTE. 1092 00:43:18,106 --> 00:43:19,307 - IS THAT THE WAY IT IS, SCOTT? 1093 00:43:19,340 --> 00:43:21,175 - YEAH. 1094 00:43:21,209 --> 00:43:24,145 - YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T NEED YOUR STINKIN' COUCH. 1095 00:43:24,178 --> 00:43:26,014 - GOOD. - SMELLS LIKE FARTS ANYWAY. 1096 00:43:26,047 --> 00:43:29,017 HIS FARTS. - IT'S TRUE. 1097 00:43:29,050 --> 00:43:32,153 - "HASTA LA PASTA," BABY. I'M OUT OF HERE. 1098 00:43:32,186 --> 00:43:33,755 YOU CAN TAKE THIS STUPID TOWEL TOO--HOW ABOUT THAT? 1099 00:43:33,788 --> 00:43:35,256 - WHOA, OH... 1100 00:43:35,289 --> 00:43:36,758 - JEEZ. - HOOCH... 1101 00:43:36,791 --> 00:43:38,392 [dance music] 1102 00:43:38,426 --> 00:43:41,863 WHERE DID THIS MUSIC COME FROM? 1103 00:43:41,896 --> 00:43:43,397 - WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON NOW? 1104 00:43:43,431 --> 00:43:45,399 - I'M SORRY, SIR. IT'S NOT ME, IT'S-- 1105 00:43:45,433 --> 00:43:48,002 HOOCH THE MOOCH SHOWED UP, AND HE'S SCREWING UP MY SHOW. 1106 00:43:48,036 --> 00:43:50,872 - SO YOU MUST BE EL JEFE... 1107 00:43:50,905 --> 00:43:53,074 THE MAN IN CHARGE-O. 1108 00:43:53,107 --> 00:43:55,376 I GOT THIS, SCOTT. I'LL BUTTER HIS BREAD. 1109 00:43:55,409 --> 00:43:58,312 ALL THIS CHAOS, ALL THE MISTAKES, 1110 00:43:58,346 --> 00:43:59,881 ALL THE CRAZINESS GOING ON... 1111 00:43:59,914 --> 00:44:01,482 IT'S NOT SCOTT'S FAULT. 1112 00:44:01,515 --> 00:44:03,351 IT'S BEEN MY FAULT THE ENTIRE TIME. 1113 00:44:03,384 --> 00:44:05,053 - THAT'S ADMIRABLE, SON. 1114 00:44:05,086 --> 00:44:07,321 BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THE FALL FOR THIS... 1115 00:44:07,355 --> 00:44:08,923 TERRIBLE HOST! 1116 00:44:08,957 --> 00:44:10,291 - UM, HE'S NOT TAKING THE FALL. 1117 00:44:10,324 --> 00:44:12,026 HE'S ACTUALLY JUST TELLING THE TRUTH. 1118 00:44:12,060 --> 00:44:13,127 - IF ANYONE'S GONNA BE FIRED TODAY, 1119 00:44:13,161 --> 00:44:15,463 IT SHOULD BE ME WHO GETS FIRED. 1120 00:44:15,496 --> 00:44:16,798 [audience aws] - NO ONE NEEDS TO BE FIRED. 1121 00:44:16,831 --> 00:44:18,199 THIS GUY DOESN'T EVEN WORK HERE. 1122 00:44:18,232 --> 00:44:20,434 WE JUST NEED TO CHANGE THE LOCKS. 1123 00:44:20,468 --> 00:44:22,070 - YOU KNOW, I CAN'T SAY I'M NOT ONCE AGAIN 1124 00:44:22,103 --> 00:44:24,105 DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, SCOTT. 1125 00:44:24,138 --> 00:44:26,808 BUT IF YOU INSPIRE THIS KIND OF LOYALTY IN YOUR FRIENDS, 1126 00:44:26,841 --> 00:44:28,476 I GUESS YOU CAN HAVE YOUR SHOW. 1127 00:44:28,509 --> 00:44:29,477 - HEY. - REALLY? OKAY. 1128 00:44:29,510 --> 00:44:31,312 - ON... 1129 00:44:31,345 --> 00:44:34,248 ONE CONDITION. [dramatic orchestral music] 1130 00:44:34,282 --> 00:44:37,351 I WANT TO SEE A LOT MORE OF THIS GUY! 1131 00:44:37,385 --> 00:44:38,920 [laughter] 1132 00:44:38,953 --> 00:44:41,355 - HOW CAN YOU SEE MORE OF ME? [disco music] 1133 00:44:41,389 --> 00:44:42,323 - [laughs] 1134 00:44:42,356 --> 00:44:45,026 * 1135 00:44:45,059 --> 00:44:47,028 - I FEEL LIKE DANCING TOO. 1136 00:44:47,061 --> 00:44:48,496 - COME ON! - [laughs] 1137 00:44:48,529 --> 00:44:56,204 * 1138 00:44:56,237 --> 00:45:00,341 - WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP FREEZING THE FRA... 1139 00:45:00,374 --> 00:45:01,943 ...AMES? 1140 00:45:01,976 --> 00:45:04,478 - COME ON, SCOTT, IT'S GOOD FOR THE SHOW. 1141 00:45:04,512 --> 00:45:10,018 * 1142 00:45:10,051 --> 00:45:11,986 [engine revving, crash] 1143 00:45:12,020 --> 00:45:13,888 - THE WOLF DEAD. 1144 00:45:13,922 --> 00:45:14,856 - ABSO-LUTELY.