- [chuckling]
- SO I TELL HER, "GET ME A NEW SET OF CLUBS, RIGHT?"
- YEAH. - YOU KNOW WHAT SHE GETS ME?
ANOTHER WATCH. - AW!
- [laughs] - WELL, WE'RE SCREWED.
IF FIELDER AND GRAY CAN'T DIG ITSELF
OUT OF THIS FINANCIAL CRISIS,
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO FILE FOR CLASS-B BANKRUPTCY.
- I DON'T GET IT.
- WE BORROWED EQUITY AGAINST A LOW A.P.A.,
AND NOW WE DON'T HAVE THE FUNDS TO PAY BACK
THE IRA LOAN-OUTS WE ACCRUED.
DO YOU GET IT NOW, TASKER? - NO, I KNOW.
WHY DON'T WE JUST EXPAND OUR PAYOUT RATIO?
- IF YOU THINK NASDAQ ISN'T GONNA RED FLAG US FOR THAT,
YOU'RE NUTTIER THAN GRANDMA'S CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE.
- GIVE ME A BREAK, FRANKLIN.
I'M ONLY A FIRST-YEAR BROKER WITH A FINANCE CPA, GAH!
- OH, DON'T WORRY, TASKER. WE CAN TELL.
- YO, GUYS, WE COULD ALWAYS FREEZE
OUR QUARTER MARKET VALUE FOR THE TIME BEING.
- YEAH, BUT THAT WOULD ONLY INFLATE OUR G.T.C. ORDER AND...
all: DECREASE THE INTRINSIC VALUE OF OUR INVESTMENT CAPITAL,
LEAVING AN UNCHECKED DEFICIT IN OUTUAL STOCK OPTIONS.
- DAMN IT!
- ALL WE GOTTA DO IS SWITCH THE BIDS
AND PRICE LIMIT ORDERS BY THE THIRD QUARTER.
ALTHOUGH THAT WOULD DRIVE THE OPEN-ENDED SECURITIES WAY DOWN.
DAMN IT!
- GUYS, WE'LL JUST RUN THE BUSINESS TRUST
THROUGH A CAPITAL GAINS CLIENT ORDER.
- BUSINESS TRUST THROUGH A CAPITAL GAINS CLIENT ORDER?
TASKER, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- YEAH, WHAT DID YOU DO?
JUST LOOK UP A BUNCH OF STOCK TERMS
AND STRING 'EM INTO A SENTENCE?
[laughter]
- CONFERENCE ROOM, NOW!
- ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS UNDERWRITE OUR HEDGE ASSETS
BEFORE THE NEXT TRADING SESSION, AND WE'RE GOLDEN.
- BEFORE THE NEXT TRADING SESSION?
THAT'S ILLEGAL.
AND WORSE, IT'S IMMORAL.
[laughter]
- TASKER, YOU REALLY ARE A FIRST-YEAR BROKER
WITH A FINANCE CPA. [laughter]
RELAX, PAL. THIS IS HOW THE WORLD WORKS.
[laughter]
- HI, FOLKS. I'M MIKE HANFORD.
I THINK WE MADE OUR POINT HERE, RIGHT?
WALL STREET. WHAT A MESS.
- HERE'S WHAT WE'D LIKE TO SAY
TO THOSE FAT CATS DOWN ON MADISON AVENUE.
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
YOU GOT TOO MANY TERMS, OKAY?
TOO MANY COMPLICATED TERMS. - YEAH.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE MAKING US LOOK AND FEEL LIKE IDIOTS.
SO SIMPLIFY IT, WALL STREET. GOT IT?
[upbeat music]
*
- AH. GOOD EVENING, FOLKS.
I WANTED TO TAKE A MOMENT TO CLARIFY SOMETHING
BEFORE WE MOVE ON.
THE "SKEWERED" STAMP
THAT YOU SAW SLAM ONTO THE SCREEN A MOMENT AGO
WAS USED TO INDICATE THAT THE AFOREMENTIONED TOPIC
HAS BEEN SATIRIZED COMPLETELY.
THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO SATIRIZE ABOUT IT.
IT'S DONE. IT'S OVER.
NOW, THE WORD "SKEWERED" IS SOMETIMES USED
IN BARBECUE PARLANCE TO REFER TO PUNCTURED
OR STUCK FOODSTUFFS.
BUT ON THIS PROGRAM, WE USE THE WORD TO REFER TO SUBJECTS
THAT HAVE BEEN SHOT CLEAN THROUGH
WITH AN ARROW OF SCRUTINY
AND ROASTED OVER FLAMES OF HUMOR AND TRUTH.
ALL RIGHT?
AND LET'S KEEP DOING THE SHOW NOW.
[sizzling]
- THIS WAS IT.
AFTER THREE LONG DAYS OF TESTIMO
WITH WITNESS AFTER WITNESS
CLAIMING I'D KILLED MY BELOVED RUTHIE MAY,
IT SEEMED MY TRIAL HAD REACHED ITS BOILING POINT.
- ORDER! ORDER!
- WELL, THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.
I BELIEVE IT'S QUITE CLEAR TO US ALL
THAT WE HAVE REACHED A STALEMATE HERE TODAY.
NOW, IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF CONTRADICTORY TESTIMONY.
NO, THAT AIN'T IT.
AND IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF A LACK OF EVIDENCE.
HECK, WE GOT A MOUNTAIN OF THE STUFF.
- YEP. - MM-HMM.
- BUT IT IS BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT THIS HERE COURTROOM
IS TOO DAMN SWEATY!
[overlapping chatter]
HERE WE ARE TRYING TO UPHOLD THE LAW,
AND EVERY TIME WE TRY TO SPEAK,
WE GOT TO DEAL WITH THE STICKY AND THE SALTY,
THE DRIPPING AND THE BEADING,
THE SLIPPING AND THE SLIDING,
THE SLISHING AND THE SLOSHING!
[overlapping chatter]
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS?
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I WOULD LIKE TO CALL YOUR ATTENTION
TO THE THERMOMETER ON THE WALL.
[indistinct chatter, all gasp]
- MR. PEPPERWATER,
CAN YOU SEE THE THERMOMETER THAT I'M SPEAKING OF?
- I CAN, YES.
- WELL, THAT'S REAL GOOD.
WOULD YOU MIND READING IT FOR US?
- 104 DEGREES!
- 104 FAHRENHEIT DEGREES.
THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A HIGH TEMPERATURE,
AND I BELIEVE THAT AS A RESULT OF THIS TEMPERATURE,
THE COURTROOM HAS BECOME VERY, VERY SWEATY!
THANK YOU!
[indistinct chatter, gavel banging]
- AMEN! - OH, EXCELLENT.
NOW, DEFENSE, YOU MAY PROCEED.
- THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M DAZZLED.
I AM IMPRESSED AND ENTERTAINED BY THE LITTLE SHOW
THAT THE PROSECUTOR'S BEEN PUTTING ON.
AND THAT'S ALL IT IS.
IT'S A SHOW. DON'T BE FOOLED.
SURE, HE'LL GET US ALL EXCITED
AND WOW US WITH FANCY TALK
OF THERMOMETERS AND FAHRENHEIT AND DEGREES,
BUT WHAT HE WON'T TALK ABOUT IS WHY, DEAR GOD,
WHY ARE WE ALL WEARING SUCH HOT CLOTHING?
[all gasp]
- I LOOK AROUND THIS COURTROOM TODAY, AND I SEE NYLON.
I SEE RAYON, I SEE SATIN AND POLYESTER.
I THINK IF WE LOOK IN THE MIRROR,
WE MIGHT FIND THAT MAYBE,
JUST MAYBE, WE ARE ALL TO BLAME.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- YES. - YES, MM-HMM.
- YOUR HONOR, AS THE STENOGRAPHER IN THIS CASE,
I REALLY OUGHT TO REMAIN IMPARTIAL.
BUT WHAT TROUBLES ME IS WHY,
WHEN WE TOOK A BRIEF RECESS FOR LUNCH EARLIER,
DID WE ALL EAT SUCH SPICY FOODS?
[all murmuring]
YOU YOURSELF, YOUR HONOR,
HAD A BOWL OF CHILI THAT WAS NOT ONE,
NOT TWO, NOT THREE, NOT FOUR, BUT FIVE ALARMS!
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE COURT,
I'VE STAYED SILENT LONG ENOUGH.
AS THE DEFENDANT IN THIS TRIAL,
I'D LIKE TO PRESENT EXHIBIT A.
[all murmuring] SPICY PICANTE SAUCE.
SPICY PICANTE SAUCE HAS NO PLACE ON TOP OF CHILI
THAT IS ALREADY OF THE FIVE-ALARM PERSUASION.
- AND WHAT ABOUT OUR AFTER LUNCH DRINKS?
HOT TODDIES, SPICY SARSAPARILLA.
all: OH!
- PEPPERMINT PUNCH. all: OH!
- I--OOH.
[all gasp]
- SHE DIED!
[overlapping shouting]
[shouting and gavel banging continue]
- ORDER IN THIS COURT!
NOW IT APPEARS THAT, IN MY SWEATY STATE,
I HAVE LOST TRACK OF PROPER COURTROOM PROCEDURE.
IT IS QUITE UNCOMMON TO ALLOW COMMENTS FROM BOTH LAWYERS,
THE STENOGRAPHER, THE DEFENDANT,
AND THE SWEATY LADY FROM THE BACK OF THE ROOM.
LET'S TRY TO GET BACK ON TRACK, SHALL WE?
MR. MERRIWEATHER, FOREMAN OF THE JURY,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO ADJOURN, READJUDICATE,
AND RETURN WITH A VERDICT?
- NO DELIBERATION TIME WILL BE NECESSARY, YOUR HONOR.
WE THE JURY FIND THIS COURTROOM TO BE TOO SWEATY.
- YEAH!
- WITH THE STICKING AND THE SALTING,
THE SLIPPING AND THE SLOSHING.
- ALL RIGHT, I APPRECIATE THE SENTIMENT.
I MEANT A VERDICT IN THE TRIAL.
- OH, YEAH, WE FIND THE DEFENDANT GUILTY OF MURDER.
- AH. DEFENDANT IS HEREBY SENTENCED TO DEATH.
THIS COURTROOM IS ADJOURNED.
[soft rock music]
- SO DID I TELL YOU WHAT I BOUGHT THE OTHER DAY?
- NO, WHAT? - A HARP.
- THAT'S FANTASTIC. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU PLAYED.
- I DO, AND I'LL TELL YOU,
THIS ONE HAS A REALLY GREAT SOUND TO IT.
- REALLY? [chuckles]
- WELL, ANYWAY, I GOTTA GET GOING.
SEE YOU LATER, BRO.
- HAVE A GOOD ONE.
WOW, A HARP.
I WONDER WHAT THAT WOULD SOUND LIKE.
[dreamy harp music]
*
YEAH.
- AND NOW THEY'RE ATTACKING REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMEN.
- THE REPUBLICAN AGENDA IS UNPOPULAR
EVEN AMONG REPUBLICANS.
- THESE LIBERALS THINK YOUR MONEY BELONGS TO THEM.
- THE CONSERVATIVES CHOOSE TO TREAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
LIKE CHILDREN.
- OUR NEXT GUEST IS A LIBERAL ACTIVIST.
- SO-CALLED POPULAR REPUBLICAN-- - LIBERALS--
- CONSERVATIVES-- - LIBEROCRATS--
- IT WOULD BE NICE TO HEAR SOMETHING
FROM THIS ADMINISTRATION THAT WASN'T COMPLETE B.S.,
BUT MAYBE THAT'S JUST ME.
- IS A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA THE ONLY THING YOU NEED
TO JOIN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY THESE DAYS?
- CHECK YOUR FACTS.
- THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND I
IS THAT I AM RIGHT, AND YOU ARE WRONG.
- WRONG. CUT HIS MIC. - HE'S WRONG.
- WR-WR-WRONG.
- WHY DON'T YOU CHECK YOUR OWN NOTES?
BECAUSE YOU MAY FIND THEY'RE WRONG.
- YOU'RE WRONG, YOU'RE WRONG.
- YOU'RE WRONG! - I'LL SHOUT IT OUT ALL I WANT.
I'LL SHOUT IT OUT ALL DAY
BECAUSE IT'S MY SHOW, AND YOU'RE WRONG.
- YOU'RE WRONG!
- I THINK WE MADE OUR POINT, RIGHT?
YOU TURN ON THE TV THESE DAYS,
AND YOU'RE BOMBARDED WITH THIS CRAP.
- TV CHANNELS. THERE'S TOO MANY OF 'EM.
- WE'D LOVE TO WATCH 'EM ALL,
BUT WE'RE JUST SO CONFUSED WITH THE ABUNDANCE OF PROGRAMMING.
- SO, CABLE PROVIDERS, CLEAN IT UP.
ORGANIZE YOUR DIAL...
all: AND MAKE IT EASIER FOR US
TO ENJOY YOUR WONDERFUL CHANNELS.
[heroic music]
*
- FLIGHT.
SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME, MAN HAS DREAMED OF IT,
AND IN 1903, BROTHERS ORVILLE AND WILBUR WRIGHT MADE IT SO.
OF COURSE, BEFORE THE WRIGHT BROTHERS' HISTORIC SUCCESS,
THERE WERE MANY FAILED ATTEMPTS TO TAKE TO THE SKIES.
A RACE TO FLY HAD SWEPT THE NATION.
[whimsical music and sound effects]
*
DID THAT ONE GUY FLY?
PLAY THAT BACK. REWIND THAT.
*
HOLY SHIT. THAT GUY'S FLYING.
LOOK AT HIM GO.
- RIDICULOUS. - NOT REALLY.
LOOK, PLAY IT AGAIN, BUT TURN THOSE SOUND EFFECTS OFF.
- BUT THEN IT WON'T BE FUNNY.
- I DON'T WANT IT TO BE FUNNY, ANGELO.
AH, THIS IS AMAZING.
TOO BAD IT'S SUCH A SHORT CLIP.
- WELL, THERE'S MORE TO IT. I CUT IT DOWN.
THE ORIGINAL FOOTAGE IS RIGHT HERE.
- MAN, I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO HEAR WHAT HE SAID JUST THERE.
- WELL, LET ME TURN THE AUDIO BACK ON.
- I'M FLYING!
IT'S ACTUALLY VERY EASY.
OOH, MY SHOE!
- MY GOD.
THIS GUY FLEW BEFORE THE WRIGHT BROTHERS, ANGELO.
FOR THREE YEARS, I'VE THOUGHT OF NOTHING
BUT THE PIONEERS OF AVIATION,
BUT I NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD.
I GOTTA RETHINK THE WHOLE SHOW.
THE PIONEER OF AVIATION WITH ME, WALLACE HAMPTONS.
FLIGHT.
THE FIRST GUY TO DO IT WAS IN A WEIRD,
UMBRELLA-LOOKING MACHINE.
PROOF IS EASILY FOUND IN THIS LOST FILM FOOTAGE
THAT WE CAN ALL WATCH NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME
WITHOUT A BUNCH OF BOINGS AND SPROINGS ALL OVER IT.
TAKE A LOOK.
[heroic music]
HIS NAME WAS PIP DENNY,
AND THE RECENT DISCOVERY OF HIS ACHIEVEMENT
HAS SENT SHOCKWAVES THROUGH THE AVIATION WORLD.
- OOH, MY SHOE!
- I SAT DOWN WITH THE WRIGHT BROTHERS' GREAT-GRANDSONS
TO HEAR THEIR TAKE ON THE PIP DENNY FILM.
- PIP DENNY. - [laughs]
- NO, NO, NO. I HEARD OF HIM.
THAT LITTLE WEENIE DIDN'T PIONEER SHIT.
- NO, I DON'T THINK SO. LOOK, LOOK.
OUR GREAT-GRANDDADS DID THE FIRST FLIGHT,
AND THAT'S THAT.
- OH, BUT WE HAVE FOO-- - NO, NO!
THAT IS THAT.
- WE HAVE FOOTAGE THAT CLEARLY SHOWS PIP FLYING.
- OH, DO YOU? - [laughs]
- OH, VERY GOOD. I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU.
- CONGRATULATIONS.
- AND IT WAS IN 1902,
A FULL YEAR BEFORE YOUR GREAT-GRANDFATHERS.
- YOU KNOW WHAT? LOOK, KID.
I SEEM TO REMEMBER A LITTLE SOMETHING
ABOUT A CERTAIN SHOE FALLING OFF.
AM I MISTAKEN? - NO, NO, NO.
THAT DOES SEEM TO RING A PARTICULAR BELL.
BUT IT SEEMS LIKE ONE WOULD HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME
REVOLUTIONIZING AIR TRAVEL
WITH EVERYONE'S SHOES FALLING OFF ALL OVER THE PLACE.
DOES IT NOT? - IT SEEMS LIKE IT TO ME.
- YES, IT DOES.
- NOW LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER, OKAY?
GET THAT OUT OF MY FACE.
- I HAD A FEELING PIP DENNY'S GREAT-GRANDSONS
MIGHT HAVE A DIFFERENT TAKE ON THE MATTER.
- LISTEN TO THIS.
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT I HAVE FOUND FOOTAGE
OF YOUR GREAT-GRANDFATHER FLYING?
- YEAH, WE SEEN IT.
- YEAH.
- YOU'VE SEEN IT? - [laughs]
IT WAS FUNNY WITH THE BOING AND SPROING SOUNDS.
- ALL RIGHT, FELLOWS.
LET'S NOT WORRY ABOUT THE SOUND EFFECTS, OKAY?
LET'S THINK ABOUT THE FLYING. HE FLEW.
- YEAH, BUT HIS SHOE FELL OFF.
- YEAH, HIS SHOE FELL OFF.
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIS SHOE. THINK ABOUT HIS LEGACY.
OKAY?
HE HAS A LEGACY, AND YOU GUYS SHOULD BE RICH, RIGHT?
- WE LIKE THE FUNNY SOUND EFFECTS.
- HA, YEAH.
[both laughing]
- THIS INTERVIEW'S OVER.
I FINALLY TRACKED DOWN THE MAN HIMSELF,
STILL ALIVE AT 131 YEARS OLD.
SURELY, HE WOULD BE UPSET
ABOUT HAVING HIS PLACE IN HISTORY STOLEN.
- YEAH, IT HURTS MAYBE THAT I FLEW FIRST.
BUT IF I MADE EVEN ONE PERSON LAUGH
WITH THE FUNNY BOING SOUND, THEN...
THAT'S JUST AS IMPORTANT.
- [shouting] AS IMPORTANT AS INVENTING FLIGHT?
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I THINK?
I THINK THAT THOSE WRIGHT BROTHERS
INVENTED THE SOUND EFFECTS-- [boing]
THE BOINGS AND SPROINGS-- TO DISCREDIT THE AVIATORS
THAT THEY WERE COMPETING WITH.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? [splashing with footsteps]
I THINK THESE EDITORS-- ANGELO CICCONI OVER HERE--
[honk] THIS GUY,
I THINK THAT HE IS JUST A LITTLE TOO EAGER
TO PLAY ALONG, DON'T YOU THINK? [boing]
BOTTOM LINE, I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE
THAT HISTORY IS VERY DIFFICULT TO DOCUMENT.
[whimsical sound effects]
- [laughs]
- TURN THAT SHIT OFF!
[boing]
[soft rock music]
- THOSE ARE SOME NICE GLASSES YOU GOT THERE.
- OH, THANKS. NEW FRAMES.
- DO YOU ALWAYS WEAR GLASSES?
- EITHER GLASSES OR CONTACTS.
WITHOUT THEM, MY VISION'S PRETTY BAD.
- IT IS?
- YEAH. EVERYTHING LOOKS ALL BLURRY.
ANYWAY, I GOTTA GO. SEE YA.
- SEE YA.
WOW. EVERYTHING LOOKS ALL BLURRY.
I WONDER WHAT THAT WOULD LOOK LIKE.
YEAH.
[heroic music]
[sproing]
- FUNNY, RIGHT?
ANGELO CICCONI PERFECTED ITS USE AS COMIC ACCENT.
BEFORE ANGELO'S PIONEERING WORK,
A MONTAGE EDITOR HAD BUT ONE SOUND
WITH WHICH TO DELIGHT.
AN OVERUSED, UNFUNNY THUD.
[thud]
BUT WITH ANGELO'S DISCOVERY RIGHT HERE IN THIS SOUND ROOM,
A RACE TO SPROING HAD SWEPT THE NATION.
[whimsical music and sound effects]
[sproing]
[sproing, boing]
[laughs] GREAT, ISN'T IT?
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT HE INVENTED THAT
RIGHT HERE IN THIS VERY SOUND ROOM?
NOW, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TOUCH THIS STUFF,
BUT I'M THE CURATOR HERE, SO I GOTTA DO IT.
[sproing]
[laughs]
[boing] [laughs]
- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TOUCH ANY OF THIS STUFF, YOU KNOW?
- SORRY. I WORK HERE. I WON'T TOUCH IT AGAIN.
- UH, YEAH, DON'T. MAKE SURE YOU DON'T.
[cowbell, horn]
- [laughing]
ANGELO.
[laughing]
ANGELO CICCONI...
WHAT A LEGEND. OH, GOD.
- MMM.
- THESE LOOK REALLY GOOD.
SO MUCH OF THIS STUFF LOOKS SO GOOD.
- THEY HAVE A GREAT GRILL HERE.
- THEY DO? - I'VE NEVER HAD--
- HEY, GUYS. ARE YOU READY TO ORDER?
- UH, YEAH, I'LL HAVE A DOZEN BUFFALO WINGS.
- OKAY. AND HOW HOT DO YOU WANT THOSE WINGS?
THEY COME IN MILD, MEDIUM,
AND "OOH, MAMA, CALL THE DOCTOR."
[laughter]
- ARE THOSE HOT, THE "OOH, MAMA" ONES?
- OH, THEY'RE VERY HOT.
YOU SEE, THE IDEA IS THAT THEY'RE SO HOT,
YOU'RE GONNA NEED YOUR MOM TO CALL THE DOCTOR
TO TEND TO YOUR BURNT UP LIPS, TONGUE, TEETH, AND GUMS.
- WHOA! TOO HOT FOR ME.
I'LL JUST HAVE THE MEDIUM. - OKAY!
- NOW, I THINK I'M GONNA GO WITH THE JALAPENO POPPERS.
UH, WHAT ARE THE FLAVORS ON THOSE POPPERS?
- THOSE COME IN MILD, MEDIUM, AND "NO. NO, NO!
NO, PLEASE, NO!"
- WHAT'S THAT?
LIKE, THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA BE SAYING
WHEN THE POPPERS COME TO THE TABLE?
LIKE, AS IF THE FOOD THAT I'VE ORDERED IS SO SPICY
THAT AFTER I TAKE A BITE,
I'M GONNA BE PLEADING WITH THOSE AROUND ME
NOT TO FORCE ME TO HAVE ANOTHER BITE?
AS IF THE HEAT OF MY FOOD IS COMPARABLE TO TORTURE?
- WELL, THAT'S THE IDEA. [laughter]
- WELL, THEN I'M GONNA SAY, "NO. OH, NO!
PLEASE, NO!" TO THAT LAST ONE.
SOUNDS A LITTLE SPICY. I'M GONNA GO MILD.
- GREAT! AND YOU, SIR?
- I THINK I'M GOING WITH THE SOUTHWEST WING SLINGERS.
- OKAY, GREAT.
NOW, DO YOU REMEMBER THE FLAVORS I LISTED
WHEN I MENTIONED THE WING SLINGERS
IN THE SPECIALS TONIGHT?
THAT'S OKAY.
THEY COME IN MILD, MEDIUM,
AND "OH, BABY, CALL THE FUNNY FARM
'CAUSE I MUST BE CRAZY TO ORDER THESE!"
[laughter]
- YEAH. I'LL GO WITH THOSE.
- HI, FOLKS.
I THINK WE MADE OUR POINT HERE, RIGHT?
RESTAURANTS.
I MEAN, THESE PLACES ARE GETTING A LITTLE BIT VERBOSE,
AND QUITE FRANKLY, RECKLESS WITH THEIR ADVERTISING FLAVORS,
AND, UH... WE'VE HAD ENOUGH.
[clatter] - OH, BOY. PSST!
DARREN, I KNOCKED OVER A BUNCH OF SAUCES IN THE KITCHEN.
THERE'S A BIG MESS EVERYWHERE.
- WELL, WHAT DID YOU KNOCK OVER?
- AND...
YOU SEE, FOR THE SWEET, COOL RELIEF
FROM THOSE OVERLY, WAY OVERLY SPICY WINGS.
HOLY SHIT.
- ALL RIGHT. WELL, GO TAKE CARE OF THAT.
HEY, GUYS, WE GOTTA CLEAN UP A MESS REALLY QUICK,
BUT DON'T WORRY.
EVERYONE'S GETTING A FREE BASKET OF TERIYAKI WINGS.
NOW, HOW DO YOU WANT THOSE TO COME?
MILD, MEDIUM, OR "LOOK, LADY,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,
BUT THESE ARE TOO HOT! I GOTTA GO!"
all: "LOOK, LADY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,
BUT THESE ARE WAY TOO HOT! I GOTTA GO!"
- NOW, WAS ALL THAT REALLY NECESSARY?
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. [bell rings]
THAT'S ENOUGH OF THE SKEWERING. YOU KNOW WHAT?
- [blows raspberry]
- SOMEBODY OUGHT TO SKEWER YOU, YOU PUNKS.
- [gasps] NO.
- SKEWERED.
- UH, WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON, UH,
TO FLY A, DUH--A, DUH, PLANE? - SKEWERED.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WALL STREET'S WORDS. DUH!
I'M BLURRY. - SKEWERED.
- THAT'S COMEDY?
HOT WINGS ARE HOT!
DUH! DUH!
- SKEWERED.
- DID YOU THINK YOU'D GET AWAY WITH THAT?
- [sighs]
[soft rock music]
- OH, HEY. YOU KNOW...
I MEANT TO TELL YOU I HEARD THERE WAS A GUY
WHO INVENTED A WORKING FLYING MACHINE
BEFORE THE WRIGHT BROTHERS.
- OH, WOW. - YEAH.
AND THEN YEARS LATER,
AFTER SOME TV SHOW EXPOSED THE TRUTH,
HIS WEIRD, UMBRELLA-LIKE MACHINE
ACTUALLY CAUGHT ON AND BECAME A POPULAR WAY TO TRAVEL.
- HMM.
- WELL, I GOTTA GO. - OH, OKAY.
WOW.
A WEIRD, UMBRELLA-LIKE MACHINE CATCHING ON
AND BECOMING A POPULAR WAY TO TRAVEL.
I WONDER WHAT THAT WOULD BE LIKE.
[dreamy harp music]
[soft music]
*
[thudding]
- TRAVEL CONSIDERATIONS PROVIDED BY...
- THIS IS OUR AIRLINE. SORRY ABOUT YOUR SHOES.
- YEAH. AND SORRY IF YOUR SOCKS GET WET.
[thud]
- WHAT?
OH, YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE FIRST TIME I FLEWED?
WELL, I LOST MY SHOE.
IT WAS A BROWN SHOE WITH STITCHING MADE OUT OF GOLD
AND THE LACES HAD NO NIBS ON 'EM.
I BELIEVE THAT SOME CHILDREN TOOK IT,
AND THEY THREW IT IN THE RIVER
AND THAT THE FISH ARE LIVING IN IT.
IF YOU GO LOOKING FOR IT WITH SONAR
OR GET SOME EQUIPMENT, LIKE IN THE MOVIE TITANIC,
THEY COULD MAYBE FIND THAT SHOE AND MAKE A FILM ABOUT THAT.
THAT WOULD BE A REAL MOVIE. - MM-HMM.
- [growling] - YOU OKAY?
- WHY IS HE SO MAD AT ME?
- I DON'T KNOW. HE'S GOT A MAD FACE.
- THAT MAN MADE A MAD FACE.
- HE'S GOT A MAD FACE. FIX YOUR FACE.
- FIX YOUR FACE.
[classical music]
*
[steam whistle sounds]
- [sighs]
- OH.
- NOT SO FAST. YOU'RE LATE AGAIN.
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST COME IN WHENEVER YOU WANT?
- LOOK, I'M ONLY, LIKE, 15 SECONDS LATE, OKAY?
- NO, YOU ARE 16 SECONDS LATE.
YOU GOT ME BROADCASTING DEAD AIRTIME RIGHT NOW.
OUR RATINGS ARE LOWER THAN THE FINAL EPISODE OF M.A.S.H.
- [scoffs]
- [groans] LISTEN!
YOU'RE ALREADY IN HOT WATER FOR LAST WEEK'S EPISODE.
THE FCC IS ALL OVER MY ASS FOR NIPPLEGATE.
- ALL I DID WAS SAY THE WORD "NIPPLE,"
AND IT WAS DURING MY "BABY BOTTLE REVIEW" SEGMENT.
VERY POPULAR. - LISTEN, BUSTER...
YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL IN THIS CLIMATE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THINGS GET SLOPPY?
SOMEBODY'S GOT TO COME AROUND AND MOP UP THE SLOPPY SECONDS.
- WAIT. SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT YOU WANT OUR SLOPPY SECONDS?
- [laughs] - NO!
I'M SAYING YOU'RE ON NOTICE. NO MORE SCREWUPS!
AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR YOU, JAZZY.
- [mouths words]
- JUST GET TO WORK, YOU TWO GIANT ASSHOLES.
WE'LL BLEEP THAT LATER.
START THE SHOW.
- YOU HEARD HIM-- START THE SHOW.
[soul music] - [inhales deeply]
IT'S COMEDY BANG! BANG! - YEAH.
- * COMEDY BANG! BANG! COMEDY BANG! BANG! *
* COMEDY BANG! BANG! COMEDY BANG! BANG! *
- * COMEDY BANG! BANG!
* COMEDY BANG! BANG!
* UH-HUH
- HEY, THERE, WELCOME TO COMEDY BANG! BANG!
WE HAVE A--
HEY, UM, AM I FRAMED UP PROPERLY?
- SORRY.
IT'S MY FIRST DAY.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU'D BE SHORTER.
- THAT'S STRIKE ONE, TALL BOY.
- OKAY, WELL, WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.
JIM GAFFIGAN IS HERE,
AS WELL AS PHYSICIST DR. LLOYD FLEEN.
I'M SCOTT AUKERMAN.
AND, YOU KNOW, I MAY NOT BE MARK OR DAVID KNOPFLER,
BUT I AM IN DIRE STRAITS TONIGHT.
IF WE SCREW UP TOO MUCH, WE'RE ALL OUT OF A JOB.
ANYWAY, HEY, SPEAKING OF SCREWUPS,
LET'S SAY IT TO OUR GOOD FRIEND REGGIE WATTS.
- * ASS AND TITTIES AND NIPPLES AND BUTTS *
* ASS AND TITTIES AND NIPPLES AND BUTTS *
* ASS, ASS, ASS, TITTIES
ASS?
- REGGIE, GOD, WHAT A TIME
FOR YOU TO FINALLY GET INTO RAP MUSIC.
- STRIKE TWO!
- I'M SORRY, SCOTT. I'LL CLEAN IT UP.
- YEAH.
- * ARMS AND LEGS
* AND TOAST AND WATER
* ARMS AND LEGS AND TOAST AND WATER *
- ALL RIGHT, WELL, HEY, REGGIE, HOW ARE YOU?
- YOU KNOW, SCOTT, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THESE SUSPENDERS.
- YEAH?
- I'M NOT DIGGING THEM SO MUCH LATELY,
SO I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE 'EM OFF.
I MEAN, WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN, RIGHT?
- NO, REGGIE, DON'T!
- THAT'S A BALL-- BIT OUTSIDE.
IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A T-SHIRT ON, YOU'D ALL BE OUT.
ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM.
ALL THESE SCREWUPS ARE GIVING ME I.B.S.
- UGH.
- ONE MORE SCREWUP, AND YOU'RE ALL FIRED.
[dramatic organ music]
- WELL, ANYWAY OUR FIRST GUEST ON TONIGHT'S SH--
- [laughs] THE HOST WITH THE MOST.
WHAT'S UP, SCOTT?
- OH, NO, IT'S HOOCH THE MOOCH.
OH, REGGIE, OF ALL THE TIMES FOR HIM TO SURPRISE US
WITH ONE OF HIS PATENTED UNANNOUNCED VISITS.
- HEY, SCOTT.
- WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT PLANT?
- OH, I'M TAKING IT.
I'M A VEGETARIAN, SO I GOT TO EAT SOMETHING.
HEY, MAN, DO YOU MIND IF I CRASH ON YOUR COUCH
FOR, LIKE, FOUR OR FIVE SEGMENTS?
- HOOCH THE MOOCH, COME ON,
YOU CAN'T JUST CRASH OUT ON MY COUCH
IN THE MIDDLE OF A SHOW. - OH, REALLY?
OH, CAN I HAVE THAT BOOM MIC?
CAN I HAVE THIS?
- THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE IT.
- THEN YOU DON'T NEED IT, RIGHT?
- NO, WE NEED IT. IT'S JUST SUPPOSED TO BE OUR OF FRAME.
- OKAY. CAN I HAVE THE FRAME?
- UGH, GOD, HOOCH.
ALL RIGHT, FINE, YOU CAN CRASH ON THE COUCH,
AS LONG AS YOU PROMISE TO BE QUIET
AND AS LONG AS YOU GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE MY BOSS COMES BACK.
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE QUIET.
NO ONE'S GONNA NOTICE ME, SCOTT. CALM DOWN. CAN I HAVE THIS?
- NO, YOU CAN'T. THIS IS FOR JIM GAFFIGAN.
HE'S GONNA BE OUT HERE IN JUST A SECOND.
- OH, CAN I HAVE THIS ONE, THEN?
- YEAH, GO AHEAD AND SLEEP ON THAT ONE.
- I'M GONNA KEEP THIS ONE.
NIGHTY-NIGHTY, APHRODITE.
- WHAT--WE NEED THOSE. COME ON.
[claps hands]
- HEY! [screaming]
WHERE AM I?
- YOU'RE BACK ON MY COUCH. WHERE'D YOU THINK--
YOU WERE ASLEEP THAT QUICKLY?
- OH, MAN, I JUST HAD A DEEP [bleep] NIGHTMARE, MAN.
YOU KNOW THOSE REAL REALISTIC NIGHTMARES?
- FINE, MOVE YOUR-- MOVE YOUR FEET DOWN.
- OKAY. - THAT'S FINE.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, IT'S TIME TO GET TO TONIGHT'S FIRST GUEST.
YOU MAY KNOW HIM FROM HIS BREAKOUT ROLE
AS TONIGHT'S FIRST GUEST
FROM THE TV SHOW COMEDY BANG! BANG!
PLEASE WELCOME JIGAFFIGAN.
[strange electronic music]
HI. NICE TO MEET YOU.
*
- THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
EXCITING.
- SORRY, THAT'S HOOCH. - HI.
- HE'LL JUST BE QUIET THE WHOLE TIME.
- HOW YOU DOING? - OKAY.
- WELL, IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU.
- GOOD TO SEE YOU TOO.
- JIM GAFFIGAN. - GAFFIGAN.
- YES. - THAT'S MY NAME.
- I ASSUME "JIM" IS SHORT FOR "JAMES."
- IT IS. - WHAT IS "GAFFIGAN" SHORT FOR?
- IT'S SHORT FOR "GAFFIGANOPOULOS."
- OH, REALLY?
- YOU KNOW, MY PARENTS WERE GREEK IMMIGRANTS, AND...
- I CAN SEE THAT. - YEAH. SO WE--
WE KIND OF SHORTENED IT, 'CAUSE IT WAS PRETTY AW--
IT WAS AWKWARD. - FOR SHOW BUSINESS?
- YEAH, AND ALSO IT'S JUST,
LIKE, MY FOOTBALL JERSEY WAS TOO LONG.
- MM-HMM. - STUFF LIKE THAT.
- I HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING FOOTBALL,
AND YOU HAVE TO WEAR A FOOTBALL JERSEY
ALL THE WAY DOWN TO YOUR KNEES.
- YEAH, THAT'S AWKWARD.
- NOW, JIM, YOU'RE A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.
- I AM.
- WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A STOOL ONSTAGE?
IS THAT TO TEMPT YOU AWAY FROM STANDING UP INTO SITTING DOWN?
P.S., AM I FUNNY?
- YES. I MEAN, TO THE FIRST QUESTION.
I WOULD SAY THAT THE STOOL IS--
THAT GOES BACK TO WHEN THEY INVENTED STAND-UP.
- MM. - MARK TWAIN ACTUALLY--
HE WAS ALSO--HE STARTED-- HE USED TO DO ARTICLES,
AND THEN HE WOULD DO SHOWS.
- IS THAT HOW YOU STARTED-- ARTICLES FIRST?
- I STARTED WITH ARTICLES FIRST, MOSTLY IN PARADE MAGAZINE.
WELL, I WOULD WRITE QUESTIONS IN TO PARADE MAGAZINE.
- OH, OKAY. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR.
- YEAH. - THAT'S NOT REALLY AN ARTICLE.
- KIND OF LIKE-- SOME OF MY MORE FAMOUS ONES,
I ASKED, "IS TOM CRUISE A GOOD GUY?"
THAT WAS ONE OF MY QUESTIONS. BUT BACK TO THE STORY--
- WHAT WAS-- WHAT WAS THE ANSWER, IF I MAY?
- THE ANSWER WAS, "YES, HE IS A GOOD GUY."
- FANTASTIC. I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT.
- IT WAS SOME GOOD INSIGHT PROVIDED.
- SO, JIM, YOU ARE A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.
- YES, I AM.
- HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH HECKLERS?
TELL YOU WHAT, WHY DON'T I JUST ASK YOU A QUESTION...
- OKAY.
- AND THEN REGGIE AND I WILL HECKLE YOU,
AND WE'LL SEE HOW YOU DEAL WITH IT.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
- SO, UH, JIM, WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
- [bleep] YOU.
- WOW. SO YOU JUST PREEMPTIVELY DO THAT
BEFORE ANYONE EVEN GETS A CHANCE TO DO IT?
- YOUR MOM'S FAT.
- REGGIE, ARE YOU EVER HECKLED?
- YEAH. DEFINITELY.
- DO YOU EVER FEEL SAD WHEN THAT HAPPENS?
- I MEAN, IT'S OKAY.
- YEAH. DO YOU EVER FEEL SAD?
- ISN'T THAT WHAT FOOD'S FOR? - OH, RIGHT.
- YOU DON'T FEEL SAD IF YOU'RE EATING.
- [chuckles] - RIGHT?
- THAT'S TRUE.
- [grunts] - SORRY.
- YOU STOLE MY RED SHOES WHILE I WAS SLEEPING.
- NO, THESE ARE MINE. - THESE ARE HIS, HOOCH.
- THOSE ARE MINE, MAN. - HOOCH!
- THIS IS BULL[bleep].
I GO TO SLEEP, YOU STEAL MY SHOES.
- THE POPE GAVE ME THESE SHOES, HOOCH.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- NO, MAN, I NEED SOME SLEEP.
- ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TRY TO KEEP IT DOWN, HOOCH. SORRY.
- JUST KEEP IT DOWN. - SORRY.
- YEAH, SORRY.
- STARTED DREAMING ABOUT A STOOL.
- JIM, DO YOU THINK COMEDIANS SHOULD STEAL EACH OTHER'S JOKES?
- I WOULD SAY PROBABLY NO. - HMM.
- THAT USUALLY IS A BAD THING.
- THERE'S A BIG DEBATE ON THAT ISSUE.
- I'M GONNA GO OUT ON A LIMB AND SAY THAT I'M AGAINST RACISM.
- WOW. REGGIE THAT-- THAT AFFECTS YOU DIRECTLY.
- [exhales deeply] YEAH.
- I ALSO SUPPORT THE TROOPS. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS.
- I DON'T GO THAT FAR. - YEAH.
- JIM, THEY SAY THAT LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE.
- YES.
- IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE SECOND-BEST MEDICINE?
- UM, WELL, THAT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION.
- THANK YOU.
- I WOULD SAY THE SECOND-BEST MEDICINE IS PROBABLY, UM, SLEEP.
- JUST SLEEP IT OFF. REALLY?
- WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HANGOVERS OR...?
- ANYTHING. CANCER, BROKEN LEG. - CANCER--
I DON'T KNOW IF-- - ANYTHING IN THAT SPECTRUM--
CANCER, BROKEN LEG.
- I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH CANCER HAS BEEN CURED BY LAUGHTER.
SEE, THAT SEEMS LIKE IT WOULD BE BAD.
LIKE, I'VE GOT-- I'VE GOT COLON CANCER,
AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE, "HA HA HA!"
I DON'T KNOW IF A CANCER PATIENT WOULD REACT POSITIVELY TO THAT.
- WAIT, SO YOU'RE THE DOCTOR LAUGHING AT THEM?
- WELL, IF LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE--
- I THINK WHAT THAT MEANS IS THAT
IF THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU,
YOU LAUGHING HELPS, NOT PEOPLE LAUGHING AT YOU.
- OH, SO YOU'RE TURNING IT ON ITS SIDE.
WOW. SO THE DOCTOR HAS CANCER.
- SO, JIM, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO ASK YOU,
HOW DO YOU JUGGLE WORK AND FAMILY?
- WELL, I'M NOT PHYSICALLY JUGGLING THEM.
BUT I, UH--I'M-- - WHA--
SORRY, EXCUSE ME.
WHO ARE YOU GUYS? - OH, THESE ARE--
THESE ARE GUYS FROM MY REALITY SHOW.
- OH, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A REALITY SHOW.
- OH, YEAH. YEAH, I GOT A REALITY SHOW.
THEY CAPTURE EVERYTHING. THEY FOLLOW ME, YOU KNOW.
FROM THE BEDROOM TO THE BATHROOM, YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING.
YOU WANT TO SEE A CLIP?
- OH, OKAY, LET'S CHECK OUT THAT CLIP.
[peppy music]
- SO I'M REALLY EXCITED 'CAUSE TODAY I GET TO BE
ON MY FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW OF ALL TIME.
COMEDY BANG! BANG!
IT'S GONNA BE GOOD. IT'S GONNA BE GOOD.
[upbeat music]
*
[upbeat music]
*
- YOU MAY KNOW HIM FROM HIS BREAKOUT ROLE
AS TONIGHT'S FIRST GUEST FROM THE TV SHOW COMEDY BANG! BANG!
PLEASE WELCOME JIM GAFFIGAN.
[serene music]
- WHAT MAKES THE SHOW SO GREAT IS SCOTT AUKERMAN
IS REALLY, REALLY GOOD AT HOSTING.
- JIM, THEY SAY THAT LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE.
- YES.
- IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE SECOND-BEST MEDICINE?
- WELL, THAT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION.
- THANK YOU.
- OR SO I THOUGHT.
- OH, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A REALITY SHOW.
- HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD A REALITY SHOW.
- [slowed down] I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A REALITY SHOW.
- DO SOME RESEARCH, MAN!
- LOOK, I LOVE SCOTT, BUT SOMETIMES HE MISTREATS PEOPLE.
AND I COULDN'T LET THAT SLIDE.
WHAT'S YOUR DEAL, BRO?
NO ONE TREATS JIM GAFFIGAN LIKE THAT!
[dramatic music]
- [sighs]
- HMM. WELL, THAT LOOKS INTERESTING.
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
- WHAT'S YOUR DEAL, BRO?
- NO ONE TREATS JIM GAFFIGAN LIKE THAT!
- WELL, THEN COME ON, BRO, LET'S DO THIS!
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! - LET'S DO THIS!
- WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
- UH, NOTHING.
WE'RE JUST, UH, HAVING A MID-SHOW HUG.
[chuckles] HI, REGGIE.
- GOOD.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NO MORE SCREWUPS.
- HEY, THAT'S MY JOB.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NO MORE SCREWUPS.
- [giggling]
[upbeat guitar music]
*
- YOU'VE WATCHED THE SHOW.
YOU'VE LOVED THE SHOW.
NOW BE THE SHOW.
COMEDY BANG! BANG!: CALL TO ACTION, THE VIDEO GAME.
[blipping]
USING THE "PADDLE" TO BOUNCE THE "BALL" AROUND
REALLY SIMULATED THE WAY THAT I USE MY MOUTH
TO MAKE CONVERSATIONAL TOPICS BOUNCE AROUND ON THE TV SHOW.
- FREEZE!
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR MAKING A VIDEO GAME
THAT'S NOTHING LIKE THE TV SHOW IT'S BASED ON.
[gunshot]
- YES... [blipping]
- INCREDIBLE HOW THE SKIN JUST FELL OFF MY ARM
LIKE A PLASTIC GLOVE.
- WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.
WE'RE HERE WITH JIM GAFFIGAN, AND DR. LLOYD FLEEN
WILL BE OUT HERE IN JUST A SECOND.
REGGIE AND I MADE UP OVER THE BREAK.
AND NOW, THIS IS THE PART--
- HEY, MAN. KEEP IT DOWN.
I'M TRYING TO HAVE A WET DREAM OVER HERE.
- HOOCH--
- HOW MANY WET DREAMS CAN HE HAVE?
- I CAN HAVE FOUR IN ONE DAY.
- PLEASE DON'T DO THAT ON OUR COUCH.
REGGIE, DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR OUR GUEST?
- YEAH, YOU HAVE A VERY FAMOUS JOKE, UM, ABOUT CREPES.
I WAS WONDERING, DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER FUTURE JOKES
ABOUT OTHER HANDHELD FOODS?
- I-I DO HAVE A LOT OF CREPE JOKES.
BUT, UM, THEY'RE GONNA BE ON MY NEXT SPECIAL,
AND I DON'T WANT TO REALLY GIVE 'EM AWAY.
- AH.
- ALL RIGHT, WELL, BEFORE THE SHOW GOES ANY FURTHER,
I DID WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE
THIS REALLY COOL THING I GOT AT A FLEA MARKET.
- OH, AWESOME. - CHECK THIS OUT.
IT'S A ROBOTIC SINGING FISH. [laughs]
- THAT'S NOT A REAL FISH. NOT A REAL FISH.
- NO, NO, NO, THIS-- NO, NO, NO.
BUT, UM, WHEN I PRESS THIS BUTTON IT SINGS,
AND WOULDN'T IT BE HILARIOUS, REGGIE,
TO PUT THIS ON OUR WALL? - YEAH.
- IMAGINE THAT-- A TALKING ANIMAL ON OUR WALL.
HERE, CHECK THIS OUT.
- * HERE'S A LITTLE TUNE I SCRIBED *
- [sighs] - [sighs]
- * YOU MIGHT WANT TO SING IT LINE BY LINE *
[machinery whirs] * DON'T BE ANXIOUS
*
- [groans]
- * BE JOYFUL - [laughs]
SO, YEAH, LET'S JUST PUT THIS UP ON THE WALL AND--
- SCOTT, YOU ALREADY HAVE ANIMALS ON THE WALL.
BUT IF YOU LIKE SINGING, WELL, WE COULD SING.
AND A-ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
all: [out of tune] * WE LIKE TO SING
* WE LIKE SINGING, I KNOW
- OOH, THAT IS TERRIBLE SINGING
AND A VERY POORLY WRITTEN SONG, I MIGHT ADD.
BUT YOU GUYS ARE MY FRIENDS,
AND IF YOU DON'T WANT THIS FISH ON THE WALL,
WELL, IT IS OUT OF HERE. ERIC?
- ALL RIGHT! - YAY!
- GOOD-BYE, FISH! - YEAH!
*
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE ROOM
FOR PLATINUM RECORDS ON MY MANTEL?
YOU'RE MY CARPENTER. MAKE ROOM.
- * DON'T BE ANXIOUS - HOLD THE PHONE.
- * BE JOYFUL
[cash register rings]
- * HERE'S A LITTLE TUNE I SCRIBED *
* YOU MIGHT WANT TO SING IT LINE BY LINE *
* DON'T BE ANXIOUS
* BE JOYFUL
* HERE'S A LITTLE TUNE I SCRIBED *
* YOU MIGHT WANT TO SING IT LINE BY LINE *
* DON'T BE ANXIOUS
* BE JOYFUL
- HEY, BOBBY!
BOBBY!
IT'S YOUR COUSIN MARVIN!
MARVIN MCFERRIN.
MAN, YOU GOT TO HEAR THIS! [laughs]
- * DON'T BE ANXIOUS
- YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN? I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD SUE THIS FISH.
YEAH, FOR RIPPING OFF YOUR SONG!
AND I'LL HELP YOU DO THAT, 'CAUSE I'M ALSO YOUR LAWYER.
I'M BOTH YOUR COUSIN AND YOUR LAWYER--
MARVIN MCFERRIN, ATTORNEY AT LAW.
[dramatic music]
- ORDER! ORDER!
WILL THE STENOGRAPHER PLEASE READ BACK
THE DEFENDANT'S TESTIMONY?
- "LISTEN TO THIS TUNE I SCRIBED.
IT IS FUN TO SING IT LINE BY LINE."
- OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR! HE'S LYING THROUGH HIS GILLS!
- JEEZ. - [groans]
- WHAT?
JUST BECAUSE I'M AN ATTORNEY, I CAN'T BE FUNNY?
YOUR HONOR, I'M GONNA NEED TO TELL JOKES TO PLEAD MY CASE.
- ENOUGH! I'VE REACHED MY DECISION.
SEEING AS THE DEFENDANT IS A FAKE FISH
AND THIS ENTIRE TRIAL IS PRETTY STUPID,
I'M DECLARING IT TO BE A MISTRIAL!
- AWESOME! - NO.
- THAT'S BAD, RIGHT? - YEAH.
- LOOK UP "MISTRIAL."
[suspenseful music]
- HMM.
WELL, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE JIM GAFFIGAN,
AND DR. LLOYD FLEEN IS COMING UP--COME ON BACK.
- YOU SHOULD READ THAT TOO. - OH, I'M SORRY.
NO, I WASN'T GOING TO THROW THIS AWAY.
YOU CAN--YEAH, GO AHEAD. IT'S A PRETTY INTERESTING STORY.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO AL ROKER, WHERE HE DID IT IN HIS PANTS--
THAT HAPPENED TO ME RIGHT NOW. - OH, MY G--
HEY, WELCOME BACK. WE'RE HERE WITH JIM GAFFIGAN,
AND WE'RE STILL ONE STRIKE AWAY FROM BEING FIRED.
BUT OUR NEXT GUEST IS HERE TO HELP ELEVATE THE CONVERSATION.
HE'S A BRILLIANT SCIENTIST
WITH A NEW INVENTION HE WANTS TO SHARE WITH US.
PLEASE WELCOME DR. LLOYD FLEEN.
[upbeat keyboard music]
HI, DR. FLEEN. - HI.
- SO NICE TO MEET YOU.
- THANKS FOR HAVING ME ON THE SHOW--I'M REALLY EXCITED.
- OH, GREAT. OKAY, AND YOU'RE A QUANTUM PHYSICIST.
TELL ME A LITTLE BIT ABOUT QUANTUM PHYSICS.
- WELL, HERE'S WHAT I DO, SCOTT.
I LIKE TO FOCUS ON PARTICLES ON A MICROSCOPIC SCALE.
- OKAY, WELL, THAT SOUNDS REALLY INTERESTING.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A BRAND-NEW DISCOVERY
THAT YOU WANT TO SHARE WITH EVERYONE.
- OH, YES. I CERTAINLY DO, SCOTT.
- OKAY.
- TAKE A LOOK AT MY GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT.
[triumphant music] - MY WORD, THAT IS BIG.
WHAT EXACTLY IS THAT THING?
- SCOTT, THIS HERE IS A MACHINE THAT TELEPORTS YOUR HANDS
SO YOU CAN TOUCH YOUR WIFE'S TITS.
- W-WHAT?
- IT TELEPORTS YOUR HANDS SO YOU CAN TOUCH YOUR WIFE'S TITS.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.
YOU REACH YOUR HANDS IN THE MACHINE,
IT TELEPORTS THEM WHEREVER YOUR WIFE MAY BE,
AND YOU TOUCH HER TITS.
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, BACK UP. IT--IT TELEPORTS?
THIS IS GONNA REVOLUTIONIZE TRANSPORTATION.
THIS IS CRAZY.
- OOH, SCOTT, NO, IT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
TO DO WITH TRANSPORTATION,
IT'S SPECIFICALLY FOR TOUCHING YOUR WIFE'S TITS.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, DR. FLEEN,
YOU MADE IT BIG ENOUGH THAT YOU COULD
JUST PUT YOUR WHOLE BODY IN THERE.
- WHY WOULD YOU NEED YOUR WHOLE BODY TO TOUCH YOUR WIFE'S TITS?
YOU JUST USE YOUR HANDS.
- NO, I'M SAYING YOU COULD WALK INTO IT, RIGHT?
- UH-HUH. YEAH.
- AND THEN YOU WOULD BE TRANSPORTED...
- OKAY.
- ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO IN THE WORLD,
LIKE--LIKE FRANCE.
- MY WIFE LIVES IN GLENDALE,
SO FRANCE WOULD BE KIND OF A WASTE OF TIME.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, FORGET ABOUT YOUR WIFE.
- UH, NO. I LOVE MY WIFE.
- NO--I--OKAY, I REALIZE YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE,
BUT WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS THINK OF THE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE
WHO FLY ON AIRPLANES EVERY SINGLE DAY, OKAY?
- MM-HMM.
- THEY WOULD REALLY WANT TO USE YOUR MACHINE.
- SCOTT, I COULD MAKE A FORTUNE. - YES!
- I CAN PUT THE MACHINE ON THE PLANE,
AND PEOPLE CAN TOUCH THEIR WIVES' TITS WHILE THEY FLY!
AUKERMAN, YOU'VE DONE-- OH.
THE MACHINE WON'T FIT ON A PLANE.
- [sighs]
- NEVER MIND. - OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
DR. FLEEN, THIS IS JUST FOR YOUR HANDS, THAT'S IT?
IT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE?
- WELL, IT'S ACTUALLY GOT A PRETTY AMAZING FEATURE.
I AM QUITE GLAD THAT YOU ASKED, SCOTT.
FEAST YOUR EYES OVER HERE.
I'VE ATTACHED A PHONE SO YOU CAN CALL AHEAD,
TELL YOUR WIFE TO TAKE OFF HER BRA.
- I'M SORRY.
DR. FLEEN, I THINK IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD THAT YOU'RE A GROWN MAN,
A SCIENTIST, AND YOU'RE OBSESSING OVER TOUCHING BREASTS?
- WELL, IF YOU THINK THAT THAT'S WEIRD,
THEN CALL ME "KING WEIRDO," SCOTT,
BECAUSE I MARRIED A ROUND-CHESTED WOMAN,
AND BY GOD, I'M GONNA TOUCH HER TITS TILL THE DAY I DIE.
- THAT'S ACTUALLY REALLY SWEET. OKAY.
- YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT'S SWEET, SCOTT.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I HAVE SOME WORK TO DO.
[dial clicking]
UH, HEY, HONEY, CAN YOU LOSE THE BRASSIERE?
IT'S TIT-TOUCHING TIME. [chuckles] OKAY.
[machine whooshes] - WHOA.
- TIT-TOUCHING...
TIME.
- THAT'S HOW YOU WARM UP?
- OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH. THAT'S GO--
- HI, HONEY. YOU FORGOT YOUR LUNCH AT HOME,
SO I CAME TO DROP IT OFF.
- WHA--
- BARBARA FLEEN?
BUT IF YOU'RE HERE, THEN WHO IS HE--
[sultry jazz music] - WHOO-HOO-HOO!
[giggling]
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK THERE?
[laughing]
AH... CAN YOU BLAME ME?
- UH, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- WHERE'S THE MUSIC?
- OH, UM...
* BA, BA, BA, BUM [beatboxes]
- GET THE FLEENS INVOLVED.
- FLEENS, COME ON. [all scatting]
- * BOO, DOO-BOO
* BOO, DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO - * BA BA, BA-BA, BUH--
BOO-DOO, BOO-DOO? - * BOO, DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO
- NO, NO, BAH, BAH, BAH. - * OOH, BOO-BOO, BOO-BOO
- SINCE I WAS 15,
YEAH, THE MURDER CONVICTION ISN'T EVEN ON MY RECORD.
- OH, I'VE HEARD THAT. HEY, WELCOME BACK.
WE'RE HERE WITH JIM GAFFIGAN, AND WHAT A SHOW.
- HEY, THE SHOWER'S COMPLETELY OUT OF HOT WATER.
- [scoffs] HOOCH.
- MY PUBES ARE ALL OVER YOUR SOAP. IT'S DISGUSTING.
- HEY, THANKS, MAN.
SEE? HE GETS IT.
HE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A COMFORTABLE PILLOW FOR A GUY.
- WHOA, NO. HEY, HOLD ON.
- HOOCH, COME ON, MAN,
YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA BE GONE BY THE END OF THE SHOW.
MY BOSS IS GONNA BE BACK HERE ANY MINUTE.
- IS THAT THE WAY IT IS, SCOTT?
- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T NEED YOUR STINKIN' COUCH.
- GOOD. - SMELLS LIKE FARTS ANYWAY.
HIS FARTS. - IT'S TRUE.
- "HASTA LA PASTA," BABY. I'M OUT OF HERE.
YOU CAN TAKE THIS STUPID TOWEL TOO--HOW ABOUT THAT?
- WHOA, OH...
- JEEZ. - HOOCH...
[dance music]
WHERE DID THIS MUSIC COME FROM?
- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON NOW?
- I'M SORRY, SIR. IT'S NOT ME, IT'S--
HOOCH THE MOOCH SHOWED UP, AND HE'S SCREWING UP MY SHOW.
- SO YOU MUST BE EL JEFE...
THE MAN IN CHARGE-O.
I GOT THIS, SCOTT. I'LL BUTTER HIS BREAD.
ALL THIS CHAOS, ALL THE MISTAKES,
ALL THE CRAZINESS GOING ON...
IT'S NOT SCOTT'S FAULT.
IT'S BEEN MY FAULT THE ENTIRE TIME.
- THAT'S ADMIRABLE, SON.
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THE FALL FOR THIS...
TERRIBLE HOST!
- UM, HE'S NOT TAKING THE FALL.
HE'S ACTUALLY JUST TELLING THE TRUTH.
- IF ANYONE'S GONNA BE FIRED TODAY,
IT SHOULD BE ME WHO GETS FIRED.
[audience aws] - NO ONE NEEDS TO BE FIRED.
THIS GUY DOESN'T EVEN WORK HERE.
WE JUST NEED TO CHANGE THE LOCKS.
- YOU KNOW, I CAN'T SAY I'M NOT ONCE AGAIN
DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, SCOTT.
BUT IF YOU INSPIRE THIS KIND OF LOYALTY IN YOUR FRIENDS,
I GUESS YOU CAN HAVE YOUR SHOW.
- HEY. - REALLY? OKAY.
- ON...
ONE CONDITION. [dramatic orchestral music]
I WANT TO SEE A LOT MORE OF THIS GUY!
[laughter]
- HOW CAN YOU SEE MORE OF ME? [disco music]
- [laughs]
*
- I FEEL LIKE DANCING TOO.
- COME ON! - [laughs]
*
- WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP FREEZING THE FRA...
...AMES?
- COME ON, SCOTT, IT'S GOOD FOR THE SHOW.
*
[engine revving, crash]
- THE WOLF DEAD.
- ABSO-LUTELY.