1 00:00:02,413 --> 00:00:04,115 - ZOOK WAS A NORMAL KID. 2 00:00:04,215 --> 00:00:05,682 I WENT TO AMISH SCHOOL WITH HIM. 3 00:00:05,782 --> 00:00:09,220 BUT WE GOT UP TO ABOUT 18, FORGET ABOUT IT. 4 00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:10,921 HE JUST SHOT TO THE TOP OF THE GAME, YOU KNOW? 5 00:00:11,021 --> 00:00:12,256 [imitates explosion] 6 00:00:12,356 --> 00:00:13,357 - NO ONE WAS AS HUMBLE. 7 00:00:13,457 --> 00:00:14,325 NO ONE USED LESS ELECTRICITY. 8 00:00:14,425 --> 00:00:16,260 NO ONE USED LESS TECHNOLOGY. 9 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:17,494 I MEAN, IF YOU SAW HOW LITTLE TECHNOLOGY 10 00:00:17,594 --> 00:00:19,796 THIS GUY USED, IT WAS RIDICULOUS. 11 00:00:19,896 --> 00:00:21,498 - ZOOK, CRAZY AMISH, OKAY? 12 00:00:21,598 --> 00:00:25,169 NO ONE HAS HAD FEWER GRAVEN IMAGES 13 00:00:25,269 --> 00:00:26,937 MADE OF HIMSELF, I CAN TELL YOU THAT. 14 00:00:27,037 --> 00:00:28,239 - WE ALL TRY TO BE AMISH AROUND HERE, 15 00:00:28,339 --> 00:00:30,241 BUT ZOOK WAS OFF-THE-CHARTS AMISH. 16 00:00:30,341 --> 00:00:32,209 THIS IS THE SPECTRUM. I'M HERE. 17 00:00:32,309 --> 00:00:34,278 YOU KNOW, MY DAD'S HERE. 18 00:00:34,378 --> 00:00:37,214 ZOOK WAS--YOU DON'T EVEN SEE HIM, HE'S SO OFF THE CHARTS. 19 00:00:37,314 --> 00:00:39,082 - HIS BEARD WAS FULL 20 00:00:39,183 --> 00:00:41,952 BUT WITH NO MUSTACHE, 21 00:00:42,052 --> 00:00:43,254 AND I NEVER SAW HIM SHAVE. 22 00:00:43,354 --> 00:00:44,988 - HE RAISED A BARN BY HIMSELF. 23 00:00:45,088 --> 00:00:47,090 [whistles] - HOW DO YOU DO THAT? 24 00:00:47,191 --> 00:00:49,193 - HOW'D HE DO IT? WELL... 25 00:00:52,296 --> 00:00:54,865 - LOOK, YEAH. I DID STEROIDS, OKAY? 26 00:00:54,965 --> 00:00:58,335 YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THIS WITHOUT A LITTLE EXTRA HELP. 27 00:00:58,435 --> 00:01:01,305 - THERE'S NO WAY WE COULD'VE KNOWN ZOOK WAS 'ROIDED UP. 28 00:01:01,405 --> 00:01:03,640 I'D NEVER HEARD OF IT. WE DON'T USE THAT STUFF. 29 00:01:03,740 --> 00:01:05,642 - SURE, HE RAISED BARNS SINGLE-HANDEDLY AND OUT-HUMBLED 30 00:01:05,742 --> 00:01:07,311 EVERYONE, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, I MEAN-- 31 00:01:07,411 --> 00:01:09,613 WELL, THERE WAS THE TIME HE WAS ON TV-- 32 00:01:09,713 --> 00:01:14,385 - [speaking French] 33 00:01:33,537 --> 00:01:37,208 - STEROIDS DO MORE THAN JUST INCREASE MUSCLE SIZE. 34 00:01:37,308 --> 00:01:41,278 THEY MAKE YOU MORE OF WHATEVER YOU ALREADY ARE. 35 00:01:41,378 --> 00:01:44,481 A HOODLUM COULD TRANSFORM INTO A CROOK. 36 00:01:44,581 --> 00:01:47,418 A KIND PERSON COULD EASILY TURN 37 00:01:47,518 --> 00:01:51,188 INTO A TOTAL [bleep] SAINT. 38 00:01:51,288 --> 00:01:53,023 AT LEAST, THAT'S WHAT I BELIEVE. 39 00:01:53,123 --> 00:01:54,358 BUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT DO I KNOW? 40 00:01:54,458 --> 00:01:56,460 I'M ON STEROIDS MYSELF. 41 00:01:56,560 --> 00:02:00,163 SO GUESS THAT MAKES ME A HUGE ASSHOLE. 42 00:02:00,264 --> 00:02:03,367 [upbeat music] 43 00:02:03,467 --> 00:02:11,442 * 44 00:02:15,246 --> 00:02:17,848 [drilling] 45 00:02:17,948 --> 00:02:20,050 - CHRIS, I'M TELLING YOU, THAT WAS REALLY BIG, 46 00:02:20,150 --> 00:02:21,918 BUT I ATE THE WHOLE THING. 47 00:02:22,018 --> 00:02:24,321 WHOA! JEFF. 48 00:02:24,421 --> 00:02:26,056 WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING? 49 00:02:26,156 --> 00:02:27,958 - IT'S A COOL MACHINE. 50 00:02:28,058 --> 00:02:30,461 I JUST FINISHED. - A WHAT? 51 00:02:30,561 --> 00:02:32,028 - YOU KNOW HOW WE'RE ALWAYS SITTING AROUND, 52 00:02:32,128 --> 00:02:34,498 TALKING ABOUT HOW WE WISH WE WERE COOL, CONFIDENT GUYS 53 00:02:34,598 --> 00:02:36,333 INSTEAD OF A BUNCH OF LOSERS? 54 00:02:36,433 --> 00:02:38,402 THIS MACHINE'LL DO IT. 55 00:02:38,502 --> 00:02:41,838 IT'LL TURN US INTO COOL VERSIONS OF OURSELVES. 56 00:02:41,938 --> 00:02:43,173 - OH, YEAH, DIDN'T THEY DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS 57 00:02:43,274 --> 00:02:44,541 ON THAT SHOW FAMILY MATTERS? 58 00:02:44,641 --> 00:02:46,977 - YEAH, THAT'S WHERE I GOT THE IDEA. 59 00:02:49,580 --> 00:02:52,683 - WHOA. 60 00:02:52,783 --> 00:02:56,553 - WE'RE PRIMED. CHRIS, WANT TO GIVE IT A SHOT? 61 00:02:56,653 --> 00:02:58,722 - SURE. 62 00:03:10,066 --> 00:03:12,168 both: WHOA! 63 00:03:12,269 --> 00:03:13,304 - CHRIS, HOW DO YOU FEEL? 64 00:03:13,404 --> 00:03:15,105 - I DON'T KNOW. 65 00:03:15,205 --> 00:03:17,708 I GUESS I JUST FEEL MOSTLY THE SAME. 66 00:03:17,808 --> 00:03:19,843 - NO. ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T FEEL MORE COOL, MORE CONFIDENT? 67 00:03:19,943 --> 00:03:23,480 - NAH, I JUST FEEL LIKE THE SAME OLD CHRIS. 68 00:03:23,580 --> 00:03:26,116 - THERE'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU, 69 00:03:26,216 --> 00:03:28,985 I JUST CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON IT. 70 00:03:32,122 --> 00:03:33,290 - MY GLASSES! 71 00:03:33,390 --> 00:03:35,326 THE MACHINE CORRECTED MY VISION 72 00:03:35,426 --> 00:03:37,227 AND GOT RID OF MY NERDY, OLD GLASSES! 73 00:03:37,328 --> 00:03:39,730 [laughter] - IT WORKS! 74 00:03:39,830 --> 00:03:41,532 - IT WORKS. - OH, I GOT TO TRY THIS OUT. 75 00:03:41,632 --> 00:03:45,336 - YEAH. - UH, HEY, JEFF? 76 00:03:45,436 --> 00:03:47,671 YOU'RE A REALLY GREAT INVENTOR. 77 00:03:47,771 --> 00:03:49,773 - THANKS. 78 00:03:57,381 --> 00:04:01,251 IT WORKED! IT WORKED! 79 00:04:01,352 --> 00:04:04,120 OH, WHO AM I KIDDING? IT DIDN'T WORK. 80 00:04:04,220 --> 00:04:05,822 I'M STILL THE SAME OLD SCAREDY-CAT JEFF. 81 00:04:05,922 --> 00:04:08,291 - NO, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. IT DIDN'T WORK. 82 00:04:08,392 --> 00:04:11,428 HEY, JEFF, CAN I BORROW ONE OF YOUR PENS, PLEASE? 83 00:04:11,528 --> 00:04:14,130 - YEAH, SURE. MY PEN! 84 00:04:14,230 --> 00:04:15,732 IT'S GONE! 85 00:04:15,832 --> 00:04:18,669 - IT MUST'VE DISSOLVED IN THE TRANSFORMATION PROCESS. 86 00:04:18,769 --> 00:04:22,238 - THE SUCCESSFUL TRANSFORMATION PROCESS. 87 00:04:22,339 --> 00:04:23,474 NICE WORK. I GOT TO GET IN THIS THING. 88 00:04:23,574 --> 00:04:25,075 - YEAH! - OH, AND, GUYS, 89 00:04:25,175 --> 00:04:29,079 SAY GOOD-BYE TO THAT GEEK-O MAN HANFORD YOU ONCE KNEW. 90 00:04:29,179 --> 00:04:30,747 - GET IN THERE. 91 00:04:40,424 --> 00:04:41,958 - OH, MAN. 92 00:04:42,058 --> 00:04:43,527 I GUESS IT WORKED FOR YOU TWO AND NOT FOR ME. 93 00:04:43,627 --> 00:04:45,261 - I DON'T KNOW, MIKE. 94 00:04:45,362 --> 00:04:47,398 YOU LOOK WAY COOLER THAN YOU DID BEFORE. 95 00:04:47,498 --> 00:04:48,599 RIGHT? - YEAH. 96 00:04:48,699 --> 00:04:50,233 LIKE, SUDDENLY I WANT TO SPEND 97 00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:51,334 ALL MY TIME WITH YOU. 98 00:04:51,435 --> 00:04:52,936 - OH, YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT. 99 00:04:53,036 --> 00:04:55,205 - AW, GEEZ, CHRIS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, 100 00:04:55,305 --> 00:04:57,207 BUT I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO PORK HANFORD 101 00:04:57,307 --> 00:04:58,675 SO BAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. 102 00:04:58,775 --> 00:05:00,210 - TELL ME ABOUT IT. - WHAT'D YOU SAY? 103 00:05:00,310 --> 00:05:02,078 - OH, NOTHING, NOTHING. 104 00:05:02,178 --> 00:05:04,781 - HEY, CHRIS, JEFF, MIKE. 105 00:05:04,881 --> 00:05:06,082 - WHAT'S UP, MITCH? - AW, SWEET. 106 00:05:06,182 --> 00:05:07,418 THE COOL MACHINE'S FINISHED. 107 00:05:07,518 --> 00:05:09,486 YOU GUYS MIND IF I GIVE IT A TRY? 108 00:05:09,586 --> 00:05:11,221 - YEAH, SURE, GO ON. 109 00:05:11,321 --> 00:05:13,724 - AWESOME. 110 00:05:23,366 --> 00:05:25,335 - COOL! 111 00:05:25,436 --> 00:05:28,472 - AWESOME. 112 00:05:28,572 --> 00:05:30,807 - GREAT, MAN. 113 00:05:36,613 --> 00:05:39,315 [dramatic pop music] 114 00:05:39,416 --> 00:05:41,485 * 115 00:05:41,585 --> 00:05:46,823 - * AND INTO THE DARKNESS I CAN SEE NO LIGHT * 116 00:05:46,923 --> 00:05:50,226 * AND THEN THROUGH THE DARKNESS * 117 00:05:50,326 --> 00:05:53,597 * NO, NOTHING CAN HIDE 118 00:05:53,697 --> 00:06:01,672 * 119 00:06:05,308 --> 00:06:08,244 - * HEY, IT'S ME, THE DRUMMER, I THINK DRUMMING'S REALLY NEAT * 120 00:06:08,344 --> 00:06:10,881 * I'M SITTING IN THE BACK, AND I'M KEEPING THE BEAT * 121 00:06:10,981 --> 00:06:14,017 * KEEPING THE BEAT, KEEPING THE BEAT * 122 00:06:14,117 --> 00:06:16,620 * YES, IT'S TRUE I'M KEEPING THE BEAT * 123 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:20,156 * 124 00:06:20,256 --> 00:06:22,726 [feedback] 125 00:06:25,862 --> 00:06:31,201 * 126 00:06:31,301 --> 00:06:36,239 - * I CAN SEE NO LIGHT WHERE THERE IS NOT LIGHT * 127 00:06:36,339 --> 00:06:38,742 * I CAN SEE JUST NIGHT 128 00:06:38,842 --> 00:06:43,379 * WHEN THERE IS NOT LIGHT 129 00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:51,688 * 130 00:06:57,594 --> 00:06:59,062 - * HEY, CHECK OUT MY CYMBALS 131 00:06:59,162 --> 00:07:00,731 * I BOUGHT THEM ONLINE, AND IF YOU ASK ME * 132 00:07:00,831 --> 00:07:02,799 * THEY SOUND JUST FINE 133 00:07:02,899 --> 00:07:05,536 * 134 00:07:05,636 --> 00:07:07,904 * KEEPING THE BEAT, KEEPING THE BEAT * 135 00:07:08,004 --> 00:07:10,273 * GET A LOAD OF ME, I'M KEEPING THE BEAT * 136 00:07:10,373 --> 00:07:13,376 * OH, BASS DRUMS AND SNARES, THAT'S THE LIFE FOR ME * 137 00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:16,079 * OVER BY THE HI-HAT IS WHERE I'LL BE * 138 00:07:16,179 --> 00:07:18,448 * KEEPING THE BEAT, KEEPING THE BEAT * 139 00:07:18,549 --> 00:07:21,351 * YEAH 140 00:07:21,451 --> 00:07:23,720 * KEEPING THE BEAT, KEEPING THE BEAT * 141 00:07:23,820 --> 00:07:26,757 * I COULDN'T BE PROUDER THAT I'M KEEPING THE BEAT * 142 00:07:26,857 --> 00:07:34,865 * 143 00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:39,469 - SEEMS A LITTLE SHORT. 144 00:07:39,570 --> 00:07:41,605 - OKAY, WELL, WE COULD LENGTHEN IT. 145 00:07:41,705 --> 00:07:44,808 WE COULD ADD A VERSE-- - NO. NO WAY. 146 00:07:44,908 --> 00:07:47,844 YOU DO NOT MESS WITH OUR ART. 147 00:07:47,944 --> 00:07:51,014 - OKAY. 148 00:07:53,349 --> 00:07:56,519 - MR. COLEMAN, SEEING AS HOW THE JURY HAS FOUND YOU GUILTY 149 00:07:56,620 --> 00:07:58,388 ON ALL COUNTS, BREAKING AND ENTERING... 150 00:07:58,488 --> 00:07:59,890 - OKAY. - GRAND LARCENY, 151 00:07:59,990 --> 00:08:01,592 AGGRAVATED ASSAULT... - MM-HMM. 152 00:08:01,692 --> 00:08:03,894 - AND THREE COUNTS OF FIRST-DEGREE MURDER... 153 00:08:03,994 --> 00:08:05,596 - OKAY. - I AM SENTENCING YOU 154 00:08:05,696 --> 00:08:08,565 TO THE MAXIMUM, LIFE IN PRISON WITHOUT PAROLE. 155 00:08:08,665 --> 00:08:10,533 - YEAH, LOOK. 156 00:08:10,634 --> 00:08:12,402 I JUST CAN'T DO THIS, OKAY? 157 00:08:12,502 --> 00:08:14,037 - WHAT? 158 00:08:14,137 --> 00:08:17,407 - I JUST CAN'T, OKAY? 159 00:08:17,507 --> 00:08:19,876 - BUT WE WENT THROUGH A TRIAL. 160 00:08:19,976 --> 00:08:21,812 - I KNOW, I KNOW, AND I APOLOGIZE. 161 00:08:21,912 --> 00:08:23,479 I KNOW. 162 00:08:23,580 --> 00:08:25,682 EVERYONE CAN HATE ME, BUT I CAN'T DO IT. 163 00:08:25,782 --> 00:08:28,819 - WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 164 00:08:28,919 --> 00:08:31,021 YOU JUST GONNA STAND THERE? 165 00:08:31,121 --> 00:08:34,557 KEVIN, WAIT. KEVIN! 166 00:08:34,658 --> 00:08:36,727 LISTEN, I KNOW IT'S A HARSH SENTENCE, 167 00:08:36,827 --> 00:08:38,461 BUT YOU'LL SERVE IT AT SAN MARCOS PENITENTIARY. 168 00:08:38,561 --> 00:08:39,663 THAT'S A GOOD FACILITY. 169 00:08:39,763 --> 00:08:43,299 - IT'S NOT THAT. 170 00:08:43,399 --> 00:08:44,367 IT'S THIS. 171 00:08:44,467 --> 00:08:46,369 - WHAT? 172 00:08:46,469 --> 00:08:48,772 - LOOK, I'VE BEEN IN AND OUT OF PRISONS MY WHOLE LIFE, 173 00:08:48,872 --> 00:08:52,542 BUT THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK FOR ME AND WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW. 174 00:08:52,643 --> 00:08:56,046 I'M SORRY. 175 00:08:56,146 --> 00:08:59,983 I'LL SEE YOU AROUND. 176 00:09:00,083 --> 00:09:02,919 - WAIT. 177 00:09:03,019 --> 00:09:05,355 IT'S OVER. 178 00:09:15,632 --> 00:09:17,701 - RAISE YOUR EXPECTATIONS 179 00:09:17,801 --> 00:09:19,469 FOR THE FEEL-WELL MOVIE OF THE MOMENT. 180 00:09:19,569 --> 00:09:22,538 COME SEE THE CONTRAPTION! 181 00:09:22,639 --> 00:09:24,607 COME SEE! 182 00:09:24,708 --> 00:09:26,877 THE ILLUSION OF MOVEMENT ON A STATIONARY SCREEN. 183 00:09:26,977 --> 00:09:29,746 MORONS AND RUBES, JOIN ME! 184 00:09:29,846 --> 00:09:30,881 YOU'LL SEE A THING! 185 00:09:30,981 --> 00:09:33,616 WHAT'S UNDERNEATH THE TARP? 186 00:09:33,717 --> 00:09:36,352 SEE CONTRAPTION, AND SAY... 187 00:09:37,954 --> 00:09:40,156 YOU'LL BELIEVE YOUR EYES, SIR. 188 00:09:51,902 --> 00:09:53,937 - SO YOU SEEM A LITTLE WEIRD. 189 00:09:54,037 --> 00:09:55,571 - SINCE LAST WEEK, SINCE WE DID THE WHOLE-- 190 00:09:55,672 --> 00:09:56,639 - YEAH. - HEY, MIKE. 191 00:09:56,740 --> 00:09:57,808 HEY, GUYS. - HEY. 192 00:09:57,908 --> 00:10:00,443 - THANKS FOR MEETING ME HERE. 193 00:10:00,543 --> 00:10:02,813 THIS COOL MACHINE THING, 194 00:10:02,913 --> 00:10:05,949 HAS IT BEEN AS WEIRD FOR YOU AS IT HAS BEEN FOR ME? 195 00:10:06,049 --> 00:10:09,619 PEOPLE ARE TREATING ME DIFFERENTLY. 196 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:11,621 UNJUSTLY. 197 00:10:11,722 --> 00:10:13,857 - HOW SO? 198 00:10:13,957 --> 00:10:16,526 - EARLIER THIS WEEK, I WAS HEADED ACROSS TOWN. 199 00:10:16,626 --> 00:10:21,031 - HEY, TAXI. - THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED. 200 00:10:22,966 --> 00:10:25,035 I BARELY WAVED MY HAND, 201 00:10:25,135 --> 00:10:26,970 AND EVERYONE IN THE CITY WANTED TO PICK ME UP. 202 00:10:27,070 --> 00:10:29,740 - HEY. 203 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,541 - YES, UNFAIR TREATMENT. 204 00:10:31,641 --> 00:10:33,409 I GET AT. 205 00:10:33,509 --> 00:10:36,713 AS YOU KNOW, I RECENTLY MOVED INTO A GATED COMMUNITY. 206 00:10:36,813 --> 00:10:40,884 AND THAT'S WHEN THEY SHOWED UP. 207 00:10:40,984 --> 00:10:44,020 I NEVER EXPECTED TO BE TREATED SO WELL. 208 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:45,621 - SAME HERE. 209 00:10:45,722 --> 00:10:48,458 I HAD A RUN-IN WITH THE COPS THIS MORNING. 210 00:10:54,530 --> 00:10:57,100 I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. - YEAH. 211 00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:00,036 YOU KNOW HOW I WAS UP FOR THAT PROMOTION AT WORK? 212 00:11:00,136 --> 00:11:02,605 IT WAS CRAZY. 213 00:11:02,705 --> 00:11:04,440 I WAS TREATED TOO WELL. 214 00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:05,742 WE ALL WERE. 215 00:11:05,842 --> 00:11:07,643 - YEAH. - HE'S RIGHT. 216 00:11:07,744 --> 00:11:11,614 PEOPLE LIKE US HAVE IT EASY IN SOCIETY TODAY. 217 00:11:11,714 --> 00:11:12,615 - IT'S NOT FAIR. 218 00:11:12,715 --> 00:11:14,217 - NO. 219 00:11:21,457 --> 00:11:24,828 - HOP ON YOUR FEET AND COME SEE THE CONTRAPTION! 220 00:11:24,928 --> 00:11:28,999 YOU'LL BELIEVE YOUR EYES, SIR! THANK YOU. 221 00:11:29,099 --> 00:11:31,567 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME. 222 00:11:31,667 --> 00:11:33,203 HA-HA! 223 00:11:33,303 --> 00:11:38,842 I, THE OUT-OF-PLACE MR. Q. BINDERBENDER, DO HEREBY INVITE 224 00:11:38,942 --> 00:11:43,814 YOU TO FEAST THINE EYES ON MY MOST CREDIBLE, UNSTOUNDING, 225 00:11:43,914 --> 00:11:48,184 UTTERLY STRAIGHTFORWARD CONTRAPTION! 226 00:11:51,021 --> 00:11:55,859 HA-HA! LOOK UPON IT. 227 00:11:55,959 --> 00:11:58,161 IS IT NOT EVERYTHING THAT I PROMISED? 228 00:11:58,261 --> 00:12:01,865 A CONTRAPTION OF THE MOST PLAIN AND BELIEVABLE, 229 00:12:01,965 --> 00:12:06,669 AS THOUGH MADE BY MEN IN A FACTORY SOMEWHERES. 230 00:12:06,769 --> 00:12:08,704 TRY NOT TO BLINK. 231 00:12:08,805 --> 00:12:12,142 YOU CANNOT, FOR DUST WILL FILL THINE EYES, 232 00:12:12,242 --> 00:12:15,979 THE DUST OF OUR LORD, ABRAHAM LINCOLN, HIMSELF. 233 00:12:16,079 --> 00:12:20,383 WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY? - MM... 234 00:12:20,483 --> 00:12:23,219 - IT'S NOT REALLY A CONTRAPTION, THOUGH, IS IT. 235 00:12:23,319 --> 00:12:26,522 IT'S MORE OF A MACHINE, RIGHT? JUST A MACHINE? 236 00:12:26,622 --> 00:12:29,192 - NO, IT'S A CONTRAPTION. 237 00:12:29,292 --> 00:12:30,927 - ONLY IF YOU'RE GOING TO CALL ANY MACHINE 238 00:12:31,027 --> 00:12:33,229 WITH MORE THAN THREE PARTS A CONTRAPTION. 239 00:12:33,329 --> 00:12:34,931 [laughter] 240 00:12:35,031 --> 00:12:37,333 - WELL, A WORDSMITH. 241 00:12:37,433 --> 00:12:40,536 DO ENLIGHTEN US ALL. WHAT IS A CONTRAPTION? 242 00:12:40,636 --> 00:12:42,038 - WELL, SIR... 243 00:12:42,138 --> 00:12:44,941 IT IMPLIES A CERTAIN WHIZZBANGERY, 244 00:12:45,041 --> 00:12:46,943 A CERTAIN CLAPTRAPPERY... 245 00:12:47,043 --> 00:12:51,547 * WITH FLIPS AND FLAPS AND FLAPPERY * 246 00:12:51,647 --> 00:12:54,117 [laughter and applause] 247 00:12:54,217 --> 00:12:56,086 - I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ANY OF YOU, 248 00:12:56,186 --> 00:12:58,788 BUT THAT MADE NO SENSE TO ME AT ALL. 249 00:12:58,889 --> 00:13:00,723 - JUST 'CAUSE HE SANG IT, YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT? 250 00:13:00,823 --> 00:13:03,994 HE'S SAYING YOUR MACHINE IS NOT COMPLICATED IN AN OFFBEAT WAY 251 00:13:04,094 --> 00:13:06,029 ENOUGH TO BE LABELED A CONTRAPTION. 252 00:13:06,129 --> 00:13:08,064 THAT'S A WHEEL AND A PUMP. 253 00:13:08,164 --> 00:13:10,133 SORRY, THAT MACHINE IS NO CONTRAPTION. 254 00:13:10,233 --> 00:13:12,135 - WELL, YOU, SIR, ARE AN IDIOT. 255 00:13:12,235 --> 00:13:14,037 - I'M NOT AN IDIOT. I'M A FARMER. 256 00:13:14,137 --> 00:13:17,640 THE TOWN IDIOT'S BACK THERE. 257 00:13:17,740 --> 00:13:21,844 - WELL, I DARESAY, YOU'RE ALL WRONG. 258 00:13:21,945 --> 00:13:23,779 I'VE NO DICTIONARY MYSELF-- 259 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:27,984 - WELL, I DO HAVE A DICTIONARY, AND I WILL LOOK IT UP RIGHT NOW. 260 00:13:28,084 --> 00:13:29,953 - ALL RIGHT. OKAY. 261 00:13:30,053 --> 00:13:31,621 YOU'RE RIGHT. 262 00:13:31,721 --> 00:13:33,523 IT'S NOT MUCH OF A CONTRAPTION. 263 00:13:33,623 --> 00:13:37,793 I OVERSTATED THINGS. 264 00:13:37,894 --> 00:13:39,229 WELL, GOOD-BYE! 265 00:13:39,329 --> 00:13:40,863 BYE-BYE. - BYE. 266 00:13:40,964 --> 00:13:42,632 - BYE, EVERYONE. - BYE. 267 00:13:42,732 --> 00:13:43,766 - BYE. - BYE, MR. BINDERBENDER. 268 00:13:43,866 --> 00:13:45,168 - BYE-BYE. 269 00:13:45,268 --> 00:13:47,370 - GOOD-BYE, EVERYONE. - GOOD-BYE. 270 00:13:47,470 --> 00:13:48,905 - TA-TA. - THANKS FOR THE TWO CENTS. 271 00:13:49,005 --> 00:13:50,840 OFF WE GO. 272 00:13:50,941 --> 00:13:52,909 NEXT TOWN. 273 00:13:53,009 --> 00:13:56,179 WISH ME LUCK! 274 00:13:56,279 --> 00:13:59,582 - GOOD LUCK. 275 00:14:01,251 --> 00:14:03,119 - OKAY, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT INCOME 276 00:14:03,219 --> 00:14:05,121 FROM A COUPLE DIFFERENT SOURCES THIS YEAR, 277 00:14:05,221 --> 00:14:06,189 SO WHAT YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO DO IS GATHER UP 278 00:14:06,289 --> 00:14:08,558 ANY W-2s OR 1099s YOU RECEIVED. 279 00:14:08,658 --> 00:14:10,226 - OKAY. - GO AHEAD AND COMPILE 280 00:14:10,326 --> 00:14:12,062 ANY RECEIPTS FOR BUSINESS-RELATED EXPENSES 281 00:14:12,162 --> 00:14:13,863 THIS YEAR AND ITEMIZE ALL OF THOSE. 282 00:14:13,964 --> 00:14:15,565 - ALL RIGHT. 283 00:14:15,665 --> 00:14:16,899 - AND THEN ONCE YOU GET THE NECESSARY FORMS FILLED OUT, 284 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,601 WE'LL GET YOU FILED. 285 00:14:18,701 --> 00:14:21,104 SOUND GOOD? 286 00:14:27,677 --> 00:14:29,645 DOES THAT SOUND GOOD? 287 00:14:39,889 --> 00:14:41,992 TOM! 288 00:14:42,092 --> 00:14:43,326 IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? 289 00:14:43,426 --> 00:14:46,929 I MEAN, THIS IS ALL PRETTY STANDARD STUFF. 290 00:14:47,030 --> 00:14:51,767 - I'M SORRY. I JUST--I CAN'T DO THIS. 291 00:14:51,867 --> 00:14:53,303 - OH. 292 00:14:53,403 --> 00:14:54,971 YOU KNOW, YOUR RETURN IS RELATIVELY STRAIGHTFORWARD 293 00:14:55,071 --> 00:14:57,207 COMPARED TO MOST. 294 00:14:57,307 --> 00:14:58,741 THESE ARE THE BASIC FORMS, AND I'D HELP YOU WITH THEM-- 295 00:14:58,841 --> 00:15:01,011 - DON'T YOU GET IT? 296 00:15:01,111 --> 00:15:03,846 THIS ISN'T WHO I AM. 297 00:15:03,946 --> 00:15:05,415 - TOM, IT'S A RETURN. 298 00:15:05,515 --> 00:15:08,884 YOU'LL BE GETTING MONEY IN THE END. 299 00:15:08,985 --> 00:15:12,322 - GOOD-BYE, NEIL. 300 00:15:17,060 --> 00:15:19,729 - HEY. WHERE DID TOM GO? 301 00:15:19,829 --> 00:15:23,133 - IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. 302 00:15:23,233 --> 00:15:25,935 - WAIT! YOU NEVER KNOW. 303 00:15:26,036 --> 00:15:27,937 HE MIGHT--MAYBE-- 304 00:15:28,038 --> 00:15:30,273 - NO. 305 00:15:46,222 --> 00:15:47,190 - MY GOD. TEN YEARS. 306 00:15:47,290 --> 00:15:48,924 CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? - NO! 307 00:15:49,025 --> 00:15:51,261 - GOSH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'VE BEEN HERE IN A DECADE. 308 00:15:51,361 --> 00:15:52,928 - HERE YOU GO. - HEY, THERE WE GO. 309 00:15:53,029 --> 00:15:54,264 - ISN'T THIS GREAT? - IT'S AMAZING. 310 00:15:54,364 --> 00:15:55,998 HEY. HEY, HEY, HEY. LOOK, IT'S MATT. 311 00:15:56,099 --> 00:16:00,670 - WOW, LOOK WHO HE'S WITH. 312 00:16:00,770 --> 00:16:02,004 - HEY, GUYS. all: HEY. 313 00:16:02,105 --> 00:16:04,640 - I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY WIFE, TIA CARRERE. 314 00:16:04,740 --> 00:16:07,677 - UH, MATT, I THINK WE KNOW WHO TIA CARRERE IS. 315 00:16:07,777 --> 00:16:08,744 HI, TIA. I'M TIM. 316 00:16:08,844 --> 00:16:10,446 THIS IS MY WIFE SHEREEN. 317 00:16:10,546 --> 00:16:12,182 - AND I'M MIKE, AND THIS IS MY WIFE YOLANDA. 318 00:16:12,282 --> 00:16:15,151 - HI. - HI, NICE TO MEET YOU ALL. 319 00:16:15,251 --> 00:16:17,053 - SO, MATT, HOW'S LIFE? 320 00:16:17,153 --> 00:16:20,190 - OKAY, I GUESS. - JUST OKAY? 321 00:16:20,290 --> 00:16:21,291 YOUR LIFE LOOKS PRETTY GOOD TO ME. 322 00:16:21,391 --> 00:16:23,259 - YEAH. 323 00:16:23,359 --> 00:16:25,828 - YEAH, YOU'RE MARRIED TO TIA CARRERE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. 324 00:16:25,928 --> 00:16:29,299 GEEZ, WE'RE STUCK BEING MARRIED TO SHEREEN AND YOLANDA HERE. 325 00:16:29,399 --> 00:16:31,033 OH, NO OFFENSE. both: OH, NONE TAKEN. 326 00:16:31,134 --> 00:16:33,136 - OKAY. - YEAH, I MEAN, TIA CARRERE 327 00:16:33,236 --> 00:16:35,071 AND I ARE REALLY HAPPY TOGETHER, BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME. 328 00:16:35,171 --> 00:16:37,373 HOW ARE YOU GUYS? 329 00:16:37,473 --> 00:16:39,041 - NOT MARRYING WORLDWIDE SEX SYMBOLS, 330 00:16:39,142 --> 00:16:41,177 I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH. 331 00:16:41,277 --> 00:16:42,778 NO OFFENSE, HONEY. - NONE TAKEN. 332 00:16:42,878 --> 00:16:44,914 - I MEAN, YOU'RE NO DOG, BUT YOU'RE NO TIA CARRERE, OKAY? 333 00:16:45,014 --> 00:16:46,549 - BELIEVE ME, I KNOW. 334 00:16:46,649 --> 00:16:48,651 - AND, MIKE, HOW ABOUT YOU? - HOW AM I? 335 00:16:48,751 --> 00:16:51,221 WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LOOK AT MY WIFE. 336 00:16:51,321 --> 00:16:53,356 THAT MIGHT GIVE YOU AN IDEA. GEEZ, YOU WALK IN WITH THIS TEN. 337 00:16:53,456 --> 00:16:56,025 I'M STANDING NEXT TO, AT BEST, A TWO, OKAY? 338 00:16:56,126 --> 00:16:57,193 NO OFFENSE. 339 00:16:57,293 --> 00:16:58,194 - WHY WOULD I BE OFFENDED? 340 00:16:58,294 --> 00:16:59,862 - YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY. 341 00:16:59,962 --> 00:17:01,063 YOUR WIVES ARE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. 342 00:17:01,164 --> 00:17:03,133 - UH, YEAH. 343 00:17:03,233 --> 00:17:06,001 YOLANDA'S A DREAM. - [laughs] 344 00:17:06,102 --> 00:17:08,604 - NO OFFENSE. - TIA, I DON'T KNOW 345 00:17:08,704 --> 00:17:11,407 IF YOU NOTICED, BUT WE ARE NOT MOVIE STARS. 346 00:17:11,507 --> 00:17:13,543 - UH, BELIEVE ME, SHE'S NOTICED. 347 00:17:13,643 --> 00:17:15,745 NO OFFENSE. - YEAH, AND POOR MIKE HERE 348 00:17:15,845 --> 00:17:17,213 HAS TO WAKE UP NEXT TO THIS WALKING TURD EVERY MORNING, 349 00:17:17,313 --> 00:17:18,881 NO OFFENSE, NONE TAKEN. 350 00:17:18,981 --> 00:17:20,616 I DON'T KNOW HOW HE DOES IT. 351 00:17:20,716 --> 00:17:23,453 - WELL, IT AIN'T EASY. - OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH. 352 00:17:23,553 --> 00:17:26,889 SURE, MY WIFE, TIA CARRERE, IS AMAZING LOOKING. 353 00:17:26,989 --> 00:17:31,026 BUT YOU GUYS NEED TO REALIZE THAT WHILE MY WIFE IS, YES, 354 00:17:31,127 --> 00:17:32,728 PRETTIER THAN MOST, THAT DOESN'T MEAN 355 00:17:32,828 --> 00:17:35,165 THAT YOUR WIVES CAN'T BE PRETTY AT THE SAME TIME. 356 00:17:35,265 --> 00:17:36,399 - OH, YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT. 357 00:17:36,499 --> 00:17:38,033 - OKAY. - THAT'S A GOOD POINT. 358 00:17:38,134 --> 00:17:39,869 - HOWEVER, IN A WAY, YOU TWO ARE RIGHT. 359 00:17:39,969 --> 00:17:44,240 TIA CARRERE IS MUCH, MUCH PRETTIER THAN BOTH OF YOUR WIVES 360 00:17:44,340 --> 00:17:46,075 COMBINED, TIMES A MILLION. 361 00:17:46,176 --> 00:17:48,178 NO OFFENSE. all: NONE TAKEN. 362 00:17:48,278 --> 00:17:49,479 - OKAY, YOU GUYS. YOU KNOW WHAT? 363 00:17:49,579 --> 00:17:50,780 I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO EVERYTHING 364 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:52,148 YOU'VE BEEN SAYING, 365 00:17:52,248 --> 00:17:54,116 AND YOU'RE RIGHT. 366 00:17:54,217 --> 00:17:55,485 I GUESS I AM THE ONLY ONE HERE 367 00:17:55,585 --> 00:17:57,153 THAT MAKES A LIVING WITH MY LOOKS. 368 00:17:57,253 --> 00:18:01,257 NO OFFENSE, RIGHT? 369 00:18:01,357 --> 00:18:06,829 - TIA, DON'T YOU EVER, AND I MEAN EVER, TALK ABOUT OUR WIVES, 370 00:18:06,929 --> 00:18:09,899 YOLANDA AND SHEREEN, LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN, YOU GOT IT? 371 00:18:09,999 --> 00:18:13,469 - AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR ME. 372 00:18:13,569 --> 00:18:17,807 COME ON, UGLIES. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. 373 00:18:20,042 --> 00:18:25,147 - TIA CARRERE, THANK YOU FOR RUINING MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION. 374 00:18:28,050 --> 00:18:29,819 - MATT? 375 00:18:56,579 --> 00:19:01,584 - PEOPLE ARE TREATING ME DIFFERENTLY, UNJUSTLY. 376 00:19:01,684 --> 00:19:03,253 splash! 377 00:19:03,353 --> 00:19:06,822 - UNFAIR TREATMENT. 378 00:19:06,922 --> 00:19:10,860 - PEOPLE LIKE US HAVE IT EASY IN SOCIETY TODAY. 379 00:19:45,728 --> 00:19:47,963 - NO! 380 00:19:56,472 --> 00:19:58,173 - THEY HAVE IT SO GOOD. 381 00:19:58,274 --> 00:20:02,278 BUT, NO, THIS IS HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE. 382 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:11,321 - * WHASSUP? 383 00:20:11,421 --> 00:20:12,588 * UH-OH, UH-OH 384 00:20:12,688 --> 00:20:14,924 * UH-OH 385 00:20:19,362 --> 00:20:22,131 - WELL? - WELL, WHAT? 386 00:20:22,231 --> 00:20:24,434 - DID YOU LIKE IT? 387 00:20:24,534 --> 00:20:26,336 - YEAH, 'CAUSE WE WERE THINKING THAT, IF YOU LIKED IT, 388 00:20:26,436 --> 00:20:30,440 YOU MIGHT WANT TO GIVE US SOMETHING. 389 00:20:30,540 --> 00:20:34,410 MAYBE A PARTICULAR AWARD? 390 00:20:34,510 --> 00:20:36,479 - YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU AN NAACP AWARD. 391 00:20:36,579 --> 00:20:38,948 - IF YOU THINK WE DESERVE IT. 392 00:20:39,048 --> 00:20:42,318 - WELL, FIRST OF ALL, PEOPLE THAT WIN OUR AWARDS, 393 00:20:42,418 --> 00:20:44,987 IT'S AT A PRESENTATION CEREMONY. 394 00:20:45,087 --> 00:20:47,323 THEY DON'T JUST WALK INTO THE CHAIRWOMAN'S OFFICE 395 00:20:47,423 --> 00:20:48,358 IN THE MIDDLE OF A WEEKDAY AND HAVE HER WATCH A TAPE. 396 00:20:48,458 --> 00:20:51,160 - AH. TUXEDOS. 397 00:20:51,260 --> 00:20:53,696 CUMMERBUNDS. - OKAY, IT'S NOT JUST THAT. 398 00:20:53,796 --> 00:20:55,565 THE TAPE YOU SHOWED ME, THE WHITE GUYS 399 00:20:55,665 --> 00:20:58,233 TURNING INTO BLACK GUYS AND BACK AGAIN, 400 00:20:58,334 --> 00:21:00,269 NOT EXACTLY SURE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING THERE. 401 00:21:00,370 --> 00:21:02,438 - OKAY. 402 00:21:02,538 --> 00:21:05,508 - GET AN ENDING, SOMETHING THAT SHOWS WHERE YOU'RE GOING 403 00:21:05,608 --> 00:21:08,110 WITH ALL THIS, LIKE YOU'RE SMART, 404 00:21:08,210 --> 00:21:10,312 LIKE YOU'RE MAKING A COMMENT. 405 00:21:10,413 --> 00:21:15,385 CAN YOU DO THAT? 406 00:21:17,453 --> 00:21:20,322 GUYS! WAIT! 407 00:21:20,423 --> 00:21:22,992 WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? 408 00:21:23,092 --> 00:21:24,394 - WE CAN'T DO IT. 409 00:21:24,494 --> 00:21:27,397 - WHY NOT? - IT'S TOO HARD. 410 00:21:27,497 --> 00:21:29,532 - IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A MASTERWORK. 411 00:21:29,632 --> 00:21:31,801 ANY COHERENT POINT WILL DO. 412 00:21:31,901 --> 00:21:34,169 PLUS, AS IT IS, YOUR SHOW'S TOO SHORT. 413 00:21:34,269 --> 00:21:36,138 YOU HAVE TO FILL HALF AN HOUR. 414 00:21:36,238 --> 00:21:39,409 SO JUST FIND OUT WHAT YOU'RE REALLY TRYING TO SAY, AND-- 415 00:21:39,509 --> 00:21:41,544 - LOOK. BARBARA. 416 00:21:41,644 --> 00:21:44,714 WE CAN'T DO THIS, OKAY? IT'S TOO HARD. 417 00:21:44,814 --> 00:21:49,218 - ALL RIGHT, WHAT IF I GAVE YOU AN NAACP AWARD? 418 00:21:49,318 --> 00:21:52,287 - YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE. 419 00:21:52,388 --> 00:21:54,023 - WHAT HAPPENS NOW? 420 00:22:10,573 --> 00:22:13,609 YOU HAVE TO FILL HALF AN HOUR. 421 00:22:16,412 --> 00:22:20,516 ANY COHERENT POINT WILL DO. 422 00:22:22,317 --> 00:22:25,921 - IT'S TOO HARD. 423 00:22:26,021 --> 00:22:30,626 - * WHASSUP? - * UH-OH, UH-OH, UH-OH 424 00:22:30,726 --> 00:22:35,631 - * BACK ONCE AGAIN, YEAH, I'M BACK ONCE AGAIN *