[doorbell rings]
- THE TICKETS.
- WHAT TICKETS?
- I GOT US TWO TICKETS
TO THE FREDONIA DESERT MUSIC FESTIVAL.
- OH.
- YUP.
THAT'S THEM.
[quirky music]
*
OH. HERE'S A TICKET.
[laughs]
"THIS IS NOT A TICKET."
HM.
[quirky music]
*
NOW, THIS!
[groans]
THEY REALLY GO ALL OUT.
THIS IS A CRATE.
GO GET THE CROWBAR.
- ALL I COULD FIND IS A CROWBAR.
- THANKS.
*
- FOLLOW ME.
- NO, DON'T.
- IS THIS THE FESTIVAL?
- NO.
COME, DANIEL.
WE HAVE MUCH TO DO.
- IN THE MEADOW OF SOUND YOU WILL FIND A ROCK.
ON THAT ROCK YOU WILL FIND THE TINIEST SEED.
NOW, TAKE THE COMPLIMENTARY SHUTTLE HOME.
- COME ON.
[doorbell rings]
- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
*
- THE LEAVES ARE THE TICKETS.
THE LEAVES ARE THE TICKETS!
- NO, THEY'RE NOT.
[laid back rock music]
*
[warped music]
- LISTEN WITH YOUR EARS,
NOT YOUR EYES.
HEAR IT FOR THE FIRST TIME.
DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M DOING?
I'M SPINNING THE RECORD BACKWARDS
AND IT SOUNDS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
SO A SIMPLE SHIFT IN PERSPECTIVE CAN TAKE WHAT WAS ONCE FAMILIAR
AND MAKE IT SEEM LIKE A REVELATION.
YOUR HOMEWORK IS TO WALK HOME BLINDFOLDED
AND LIST EVERYTHING YOU SMELLED.
- OH.
- AND REMEMBER TO RAGE AGAINST THE SILENCE
AND RATTLE THOSE CAGES!
LET ME HEAR YOU!
RAGE!
COME ON!
RATTLE THOSE CAGES!
HIT THOSE DESKS!
I CAN'T HEAR YOU, MR. ROBLING.
- YEAH! - COME ON, MR. KIRCHUCK!
[yelling]
GET DOWN ON THE GROUND, MAHONIE!
GIVE ME A HULA, MR. SPENCER!
- [howls]
- MR. TURNER, WHAT IS GOING ON?
WHY ARE THESE BOYS MAKING SUCH A RACKET?
- WHY, BECAUSE I ASKED THEM TO, HEADMASTER PRIMWICK,
BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO WOULD RATHER
THEY QUIETLY LAY DOWN THEIR MINDS
AT THE ALTER OF YESTERDAY'S REGURGITATED TRIPE.
- THAT'S IT, MR. TURNER.
YOU'RE FIRED.
PACK YOUR THINGS AND LEAVE.
BOYS, I'M TAKING OVER THIS CLASS EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.
- SORRY, BOYS.
- WAIT!
YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE, HEADMASTER PRIMWICK.
- YOU GET DOWN, MR. FOWLER.
- SURE, MR. TURNER'S TEACHING METHODS
MAY HAVE BEEN A LITTLE UNORTHODOX,
BUT WAS HE SO WRONG?
IS IT SO WRONG THAT HE TOOK US
BEYOND THE CONFINES OF THE CLASSROOM,
LEADING US OUTSIDE, OFF THE PATH, THROUGH A MEADOW,
BY A BOG, AND DIRECTLY INTO A THICKET
FILLED WITH THISTLES?
- WHAT?
- THISTLES.
SHARP LITTLE--
- YES, THAT'S WRONG!
- WAS HE SO WRONG TO HAVE US TEAR THE PAGES OUT
OF OUR MUSTY OLD TEXTBOOKS, PASTING THEM TOGETHER
INTO A SERIES OF SHORTER BOOKS,
WHICH HE IN TURN SOLD AT A LOCAL STORE?
- YES, THAT'S WRONG.
- IS IT SO WRONG THAT HE OPENED OUR EYES
TO THE WORKS OF MELVILLE?
- HERMAN MELVILLE.
WELL, NO THAT'S-- - NO.
MR. TURNER'S COUSIN, MEL VILLE,
WHO IS IN THE STATE PENITENTIARY
FOR PIGEON RACING.
- PIGEON RACING?
- WE'RE WORKING ON THE APPEAL.
- IS IT SO WRONG THAT HE SPENT HOURS
REGALING US WITH NOT ONLY CLASSIC TALES
BUT NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE?
- THE COMPLETE BOX SET.
- HEADMASTER PRIMWICK, WHAT I THINK
THEY'RE TRYING TO ASK IS, IS IT SO UNFORGIVEABLE
THAT I BROKE FREE OF YOUR PRECIOUS CURRICULUM
BY REPLACING THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANK
WITH THE DIARY OF FRANK CALIENDO?
AND FURTHER STILL, IS IT SO WRONG
THAT I BASED THE ENTIRE MIDTERM ON THAT BOOK,
AND PRINTED SAID MIDTERM ON NOT PAPER, BUT WHAT, BOYS?
all: SLICES OF TURKEY.
- YOU BROKE THE COPY MACHINE!
- GUILTY AS CHARGED.
- MR. TURNER, THERE IS A LINE,
AND YOU CROSSED IT SOME TIME AGO.
- YOU TALKING ABOUT THE PUBE CONTEST?
- WHAT PUBE CONTEST?
- MR. TURNER CHALLENGED US TO CATALOGUE OUR PUBES--
LENGTH, WIDTH, AND CURLINESS--
ALL USING THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM.
I'M NEARLY FINISHED.
SEE?
- NICE JOB.
- MR. TURNER, IS THIS TRUE?
- ALL'S I CAN SAY IS...
YUP.
- MR. TURNER, YOU WILL LEAVE
AND YOU WILL NOT COME BACK.
YOU'VE PROVEN YOU DO NOT CARE ABOUT THESE CHILDREN.
- HEADMASTER PRIMWICK, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT,
BUT DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT I DON'T CARE
ABOUT THESE KIDS OR THAT WHAT I DO
HAS NO EDUCATIONAL VALUE OR THAT I LACK CHARACTER
BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT I ALREADY KNOW.
NOW, COME ON, GENTLEMEN.
WE'VE GOT A CONTEST TO FINISH!
[all cheering]
- LET'S GO!
- YEAH!
- WHAT KIND OF A FEATURE FILM IS THIS?
- HEY.
WHY SO BLUE, BROTHERS?
- HEY, HEATH.
WE'RE JUST MISSING OUT ON THE BIGGEST
CONCERT EVENT OF THE SUMMER.
- THE LEAVES WEREN'T THE TICKETS.
- [scoffs] THAT'S NOTHING.
1969, 100,000 DREAMERS DESCEND UPON A DAIRY FARM
IN UPSTATE NEW YORK FOR THREE DAYS OF PEACE, LOVE,
AND LEGENDARY MUSIC, AND I WASN'T THERE.
- WHOA.
YOU MISSED WOODSTOCK?
- THEY SAY IF YOU REMEMBER IT, YOU WEREN'T THERE.
WELL, I DON'T REMEMBER IT AND I WASN'T THERE.
- RIGHT. - 1967, MONTEREY POP FESTIVAL.
JIMMY HENDRIX LIGHTS HIS GUITARS ON FIRE,
AND I'M THIS CLOSE TO GETTING TICKETS.
- WELL, DID YOU GET 'EM? - NOPE.
I WAS IN OHIO VISITING A COUSIN OF A FRIEND.
- BADASS.
- BUT LIFE HAS A WAY OF BALANCING OUT.
WHEN THE BEATLES SOLD OUT SHEA STADIUM,
I GOT THE LAST TICKET OF THE NIGHT.
- WOW. - YEAH.
I WAS DOUBLE-PARKED AND PELL AVENUE
RIGHT IN FRONT OF A FIRE HYDRANT.
- THE LAST PARKING TICKET OF THE NIGHT?
- THE LAST PARKING TICKET OF THE NIGHT.
THE WHO LIVE AT LEEDS.
ME? ALONE AT HOME.
FRAMPTON COMES ALIVE.
I SPENT THE WEEKEND AT MY GRANDMA'S FRIEND'S HOUSE
SLEEPIN' ON A PLASTIC COUCH.
YEAH, THE ONLY CONCERT I EVER MADE WAS ALTAMONT.
FRONT ROW.
MY BEST FRIEND WAS MURDERED BY A HELL'S ANGEL.
- WOW.
- WELL, CATCH YOU ON THE FLIP-FLOP, BOYS.
BY THE WAY, WEAR FLIP-FLOPS.
THEY'RE GOOD FOR YOUR SPINE.
- SEE YOU, HEATH.
- I HATE THAT GUY.
- LET'S BE FRANK: THE DIARY OF FRANK CALIENDO.
CHAPTER ONE. "I AM BORN."
GO!
- IT WAS A COLD JANUARY MORNING. - AS CHRIS ROCK!
- [imitates Chris Rock] I CAN'T BELIEVE
THE BABY CAME OUT THAT UGLY.
- TELL ME, WHY WAS IT UGLY, CHRIS?
- [imitates Chris Rock] IT WAS--SEE, THAT LOOK LIKE
SOMETHING OUT OF PREDATOR.
- AND WHAT DID JOHN MADDEN THINK OF THIS BABY?
- [imitates John Madden] I-I WOULD HAVE EATEN IT.
I MEAN, THAT'S THE KIND OF--
[laughter]
- HANG ON. HANG ON A SECOND.
"EATEN THE BABY."
YOUR FIRST TIME WITH A WOMAN AS JEFF GOLDBLUM.
- [imitates Jeff Goldblum] AH, VERY WEIRD.
- AS ROBIN WILLIAMS.
- [imitates Robin Williams] OH, MY GOODNESS!
- SANDLER! - [imitates Adam Sandler] MOMMY!
- I WANT MY CLINTON!
- [imitates Bill Clinton] I WOULD JUST STOP AT A CLUB
AND SAY HELLO TO THE LADIES.
[laughter]
- TELL ME HOW YOU DIE, AL PACINO.
- [imitates Al Pacino] THAT BUS WAS COMING AT 200 MILES AN HOUR!
IT WAS COMIN' AT ME 65.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'...
THIS IS A PLACE YOU NEVER WANT TO BE!
- "WANT TO BE."
- I AM THE KEY MASTER. ARE YOU THE GATE KEEPER?
- [laughs]
GHOSTBUSTERS! I LOVE IT!
- HEY, TO MIKE, WHO, STARTING TOMORROW,
WILL NO LONGER BE THE WILD AND CRAZY GUY WE ONCE KNEW.
- ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.
- WE'RE JUST GOOFING AROUND, MIKE.
LAUREN'S A GREAT GIRL, AND YOU'RE GONNA LOVE
MARRIED LIFE, BUT FIRST, WE'VE GOT A LITTLE SURPRISE.
- STRIPPERS! - WHAT? NO.
- AW, YEAH!
- WHOO!
- WHOA!
- ALL RIGHT!
YEAH!
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! STOP!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
GUYS.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?
- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, MIKE?
- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?
YOU GOT STRIPPERS.
I PROMISED LAUREN THERE WEREN'T GONNA BE
STRIPPERS AT THIS THING.
- MIKE, THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE A BACHELOR PARTY.
FOR THE STRIPPERS! - YEAH!
- AND WE'RE NOT GONNA TELL OUR WIVES.
YOU THINK I WANT KIM KNOWING
I WAS PARTYING WITH STRIPPERS?
NO THANKS.
- [sighs]
ALL RIGHT, BUT LAUREN CANNOT FIND OUT ABOUT THIS.
[all cheering]
- ALL RIGHT!
- YEAH!
- ALL RIGHT! - YEAH!
- THE STRIPPERS ARE STRIPPING!
- THESE ARE SOME GREAT STRIPPERS, JEFF.
VERY SEXY. - YEAH!
- YEAH, WHERE'D YOU FIND 'EM, JEFF?
- I JUST CALLED ONE OF THOSE NUMBERS IN THE PHONE BOOK
AND SAID, "HEY, GIVE ME THE TWO SEXIEST STRIPPERS YOU GOT."
- THEY'RE SEXY, ALL RIGHT.
HEY, GUYS, FOR AN EXTRA 50 BUCKS,
YOU CAN TAKE ONE IN THE BACK AND, YOU KNOW, SCREW!
- KNOCK-A-DA BOOTS! - YOU ARE COMING WITH ME!
- WHOO! - HOO-HOO-HOO!
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE. TIM, TIM, TIM.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, MAN?
- WHAT?
- I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WERE THAT TYPE OF GUY.
THE TYPE OF GUY WHO WOULD CHEAT ON HIS WIFE.
COME ON.
- [sighs]
NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T DO THAT TO MEG, BUT IF I WASN'T MARRIED...
- OH, I'D SAY "PLOW AWAY." SURE, SURE.
- GOD, LOOK AT JEFF.
THAT LUCKY GUY'S NOT MARRIED, HUH?
- WELL, COME ON. LET'S GET BACK TO IT.
- HERE WE GO! - WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
STOP THE MUSIC!
JEFF, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?
- YEAH. I'VE BAGGED TONS OF STRIPPERS.
CANDY, CRYSTAL, SAMANTHA.
- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
BUT IS THERE SOMETHING MAYBE A LITTLE DIFFERENT
ABOUT THIS STRIPPER?
- BLONDE HAIR? - EXACTLY.
YOU'RE A BRUNETTE MAN.
WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH THAT BRUNETTE STREAK MEANS TO YOU.
- THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A HUGE MISTAKE.
GOT TO KEEP MY STREAK ALIVE, BABY.
- YES. NOW, PLEASE.
LET'S ALL JUST WATCH THE SEXY STRIPPERS STRIP FOR US, OKAY?
CRANK IT UP!
- HE'S DOING THE PECK THING!
- IT IS PRETTY COOL.
- YEAH! - HEY.
I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE OFF. - WHAT?
HEY, YOU'RE NOT WORRIED YOUR BOYFRIEND BILL
IS GONNA FIND OUT.
- NAH, I'M JUST NOT THAT INTO THE ACT
OF TAKING CLOTHES OFF TO TECHNO MUSIC.
IT'S JUST NOT FOR ME.
- WELL, THAT MAKES ONE OF US, BECAUSE I LOVE IT.
- MIKE?
- OH, SHIT. - LAUREN!
- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
- IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. - NO?
OKAY, WELL WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT IT IS,
BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE MY FIANCE IS A CLOSETED--
- STRIPPER ENTHUSIAST. - RIGHT.
OKAY, I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE ATTRACTED TO--
- THE IDEA OF HAVING STRIPPERS AT MY BACHELOR PARTY?
- EXACTLY.
THERE'S NO WAY WE'RE GONNA
GET MARRIED KNOWING YOU'RE--
- VERY HAPPY GETTING A LAP DANCE.
LOOK, LAUREN, I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET,
BUT THIS IS WHAT GUYS DO AT BACHELOR PARTIES.
WE GET STRIPPERS.
- LAUREN, IT WAS MY IDEA.
MIKE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
ALL HE DID TONIGHT WAS TALK ABOUT YOU.
- I LOVE YOU, LAUREN.
- OH, MIKE.
ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THIS LOVEY-DOVEY JUNK.
THOSE BEAUTIFUL BUNS AREN'T GONNA STRIP THEMSELVES.
- YEAH! - WHOO!
- LAUREN'S THE COOLEST.
- YEAH.
[laughs]
WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE!
all: YEAH!
[laughter]
- GREEN BEAN FLOYD.
[laughter]
- I AM A GREEN BEAN FLOYD WANNABE.
THAT'S WHAT THEY SHOULD WRITE ON MY TOMBSTONE.
"HE TRIED TO BE GREEN BEAN.
DIDN'T MAKE IT."
- ROCK AND ROLL.
YOU GET ROCK AND ROLL.
- I LEARNED EVERYTHING FROM THOSE OLD BLUES
AND FOLK GUYS, MAN.
- I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE US
OR THE STONES OR, UH, AC/DC.
NONE OF THAT HAPPENS WITHOUT YODELIN' SAMMY WATKINS.
- * THERE'S A JUNE BUG ON MY SHOULDER *
* AND A CRICKET UP MY SLEEVE
* I GOT A COCKROACH ON MY NECKTIE *
* THERE'S BUGS ALL OVER ME
[sloppy guitar music]
*
- "THERE'S A JUNE BUG ON MY SHOULDER.
THERE'S A CRICKET UP MY SLEEVE."
OKAY, THAT'S ROCK AND ROLL.
- WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, A LOT OF MY FRIENDS
WERE LISTENING TO HIP-HOP OR PUNK ROCK,
AND I DON'T KNOW.
IT JUST DIDN'T REALLY DO IT FOR ME,
BUT THEN I HEARD GREEN BEAN FLOYD'S
POSSUM PUDDLE.
I GOT THAT.
- * OLD HARRY WAS A POSSUM
* WITH A WHITE TONGUE PLAIN
* BUT WHEN HE CAME A-SWIMMIN'
* HE WAS LAUGHIN' IN THE RAIN *
* IN THE BACK YARD IN THE PUDDLE *
* BY THE DRAIN...
- AND IT HURT ME RIGHT HERE.
HURT ME GOOD, AND I GOT--I WAS HOOKED.
- OH, BOY. LOOK AT THAT ONE.
TENDERFOOT WILLIAMS. GOD.
THERE'S A SONG ON HERE ABOUT A JUNE BUG
JOINING A BASEBALL TEAM.
SLICK KIP WIMPTON.
AH, GOD.
THIS ONE'S ABOUT TWO INCHWORMS ON A DATE.
- SO IN RUNNING FOR BLOOD,
I WAS DOING THIS KIND OF THING.
[fast electric guitar music]
KAP HAPLAN WAS KIND OF A...
[folksy guitar music]
*
- YOU CAN HEAR THESE GUYS ACROSS ALL TYPES OF MUSIC THESE DAYS.
IT'S A TRIP, MAN.
[cheers and applause]
[wild dubstep music]
*
- HERE'S MY TRACK, NASTY BIZNASS.
[wild dubstep music]
NOW, HERE'S SKEETER CLEET CALLAHAN'S
WALKIN' 'ROUND IN MUD.
- * OH, THE TATER BUG
SAID TO THE LITTERBUG
LET'S BAKE US A BRAMBLE PIE
* THE LITTERBUG SAID TO THE TATER BUG *
* WE CAN DO IT ON THE FOURTH OF JULY *
* MM-HMM-HMM-HMM HMM-HMM-HMM-HMM *
- YOU HEAR THAT? IT'S LIKE THE SAME SONG.
- CALE DONK, I MEAN, THAT GUY
WAS METAL 50, 60 YEARS BEFORE ANYONE.
- WHISTLING?
THAT'S PRETTY METAL.
- * I MADE A $1.10
* COLLECTIN' OLD CANS
* WIM-TIM-LADDIE-TOTTIE
* WHITTLE-TEE-DEE
* WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT
* THERE'S A BUG ON ME
* HOO, THERE'S A BUG ON ME
* THERE'S A BUG ON ME
- THAT IS REAL MUSIC, OKAY?
IF YOU LISTEN TO A SONG LIKE THAT ON THE RADIO TODAY,
PEOPLE COULDN'T LISTEN TO IT.
THEY WOULDN'T ACCEPT IT BECAUSE IT'S TOO REAL.
- IT ALWAYS SOUNDED TO ME LIKE RATTLIN' CAM HOLLINS WAS ALWAYS
FIGHTING WITH HIS GUITAR, JUST TRYING TO RIP THAT TRUTH
AND THAT EMOTION, THOSE GUTS RIGHT OUT OF IT, MAN.
I DON'T KNOW HOW HE DID IT.
[clumsy plucking on guitar]
- WHOO.
WHOO!
*
- THIS IS BILLY FRICKLMAN, FOLKS, OKAY?
THIS IS THE ORIGINAL BUG MAN.
ROCK AND ROLL FOR THE PAST 70 YEARS IS DUE TO THIS MAN.
- * THERE'S A CRICKET ON MY KNEE *
AND MY KNEE ON A CRICKET
[singing indistinctly]
- TELL US ABOUT THE BUGS.
TELL US ABOUT WHAT BUGS YOU GOT--
- [high-pitched mumbling]
- WHAT'S IN YOUR CAN?
- [high-pitched mumbling]
- ALL RIGHT.
[hums]
SEE, THIS IS IT.
[laughs]
- I TEND TO THINK WE'RE SORT OF
CARRYING THE TORCH FOR THESE OLD TIMERS.
I REALLY DO. I REALLY DO.
- CALE'S SAYING "[bleep] YOU.
I'M WHISTLIN'.
I'M NOT GONNA [bleep] PLAY AN INSTRUMENT.
I'M GONNA [bleep] WHISTLE."
THAT'S WHAT I'M LIKE.
THAT'S WHAT I DO.
- I MEAN, HAVE YOU EVER HAD A CRICKET UP YOUR SLEEVE?
RIGHT. NEITHER HAVE I.
BUT THAT'S WHAT--
[laughs]
THAT WAS WHAT THEY WERE EXPERIENCING.
[laughs]
IN THEIR LIVES AT THE TIME.
[laughs]
OH.
WE OWE THEM EVERYTHING.
[laughter]
- BOYS! BOYS.
SHOULDN'T YOU BE IN CHURCH?
MASS IS ABOUT TO START.
- WE'RE NOT GOIN' TO CHURCH, FATHER.
WE'RE TAKING A PERSONAL DAY.
[laughter]
- BOYS, YOU DON'T WANT
TO GO TO HELL WHEN YOU DIE, DO YOU?
- HELL DOESN'T SOUND TOO SCARY TO ME.
COULDN'T BE WORSE THAN CHURCH.
[laughter]
- IT'S MUCH WORSE THAN THAT, MITCHELL.
IT'S A TERRIBLE, AWFUL PLACE.
- OOH.
- COME ON, GUYS.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
- ALL RIGHT.
- YOU'LL BE SORRY.
- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
[all cheering]
[tires squealing]
[crashing]
- WHERE ARE WE?
- I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT'S REALLY HOT.
I'D SAY LOW 90'S, AND IT'S A DRY HEAT
LIKE PALM SPRINGS.
- OH, WHAT HAPPENED?
- I DON'T KNOW.
LAST THING I REMEMBER WAS LOSING CONTROL
OF MY SWEET CAR, AND NOW THIS.
- OH, MY GOD.
YOU GUYS DON'T THINK WE'RE IN HELL, DO YOU?
- [gasps]
OH, NO! A BAT!
[all yelling]
- YIKES.
- THAT WAS CLOSE. - YEAH.
OH, NO! A--A SPIDER!
[all yelling]
- [gasps]
OH, NO! A SINGLE FLAME!
[all yelling]
- A PIT!
[all yelling]
- [wicked laughing]
HELLO, BOYS.
WELCOME TO HELL.
I'M THE DEVIL.
[all yelling]
- THE DEVIL?
OKAY, NOW, THAT IS SCARY. - YEAH.
- THIS IS AN AWFUL, SCARY PLACE.
LOTS OF BAD STUFF HERE.
WE CAN--THERE'S A SPIDER.
[all whimpering]
- THE FLAME. A COUPLE FLAMES.
[all gasping]
- LET'S SEE, UH, THERE'S A BAT.
UH, I BELIEVE THERE'S A PIT,
AND YOU'RE GONNA BE HERE FOR ETERNITY, SO.
[all yelling]
- PLEASE, GOD. PLEASE FORGIVE US.
WE DIDN'T MEAN TO BE BAD.
PLEASE TAKE US AWAY FROM THIS DARK AND SCARY PLACE.
- AH, COME ON.
WHATEVER.
- WHOA.
- GUYS, I THINK WE'RE IN HEAVEN.
- YES.
YOU ARE IN HEAVEN.
WELCOME, BOYS.
[laughs]
- THANK GOD.
HELL WAS JUST TOO SCARY.
- YEAH.
- WAIT, THERE'S NOT A BAT UP HERE, IS HERE?
- OH, YES.
WE HAVE A BAT.
BUT WE KEEP HIM IN A BAT CAGE.
PERFECTLY SA.
[all sighing]
- YOU CAN LOOK AT HIM.
- AND THERE'S NO FLAME.
- OH, YES, WE HAD A FLAME, BUT WE EXTINGUISHED IT.
SEE? IT USED TO BE OVER THERE.
TOOK CARE OF IT. MM-HMM.
- WHAT ABOUT A PIT?
- THERE IS A PIT.
PEOPLE HATE THE PIT.
THAT'S WHY WE FILLED IT WITH SAND, SEE?
YOU CAN BARELY TELL IT USED TO BE RIGHT THERE.
- GOOD. - MM-HMM.
- WELL, EVERYTHING HERE SEEMS GREAT.
- OH, THANK YOU. - WELL, HOLD ON.
ONE LAST QUESTION. - HM?
- THERE'S NOT A SPIDER HERE, IS THERE?
- OH, YES. THERE IS A SPIDER.
BUT WE KEEP IT IN THE-- IT'S OWN SPIDER CAGE RIGHT--
OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
THE SPIDER CAGE IS EMPTY.
[yells]
THE SPIDER GOT OUT!
[all yelling]
- * WELL, UP IN HEAVEN GOD STARTED TO SHOUT *
* THEY ALL GOT SCARED 'CAUSE THE SPIDER HE GOT AWAY *
* THE SPIDER'S OUT OF HIS CAGE *
[boisterous rock music]
- * WAY DOWN YONDER IN TENNESSEE *
* I WENT A-COURTIN' WITH A BUMBLE BEE *
* SHE WORE A BONNET MADE OF SATIN *
* AND A DRESS SO BLUE
* I WORE A VEST AND A PUMPKIN
* FOR A SHOE
- * WHEN WE GOT MARRIED
* ALL THE GUESTS BROUGHT MOONSHINE *
* AND I DID A LITTLE DANCE
* I PUT MY SHIRT ON BACKWARDS
* AND A TOAD ON MY SHOULDER
* OOH, THERE'S CRICKETS IN MY PANTS *
- HOO!
- * MY DARLIN' IS A BUG
* MY DARLIN' IS A BUG--
- THESE GUYS ARE REALLY JAMMIN'. - YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I WAS SUPPOSED TO SEE THESE GUYS AT FREDONIA FEST.
- REALLY? HOW WERE THEY?
- WOULDN'T KNOW. I MISSED IT.
- HM. - YEAH.
- * I SQUISHED MY DARLIN' WHEN I GAVE HER A HUG *