This programme contains strong language, adult themes and humour
What do you think to my new dining chairs? Love!
I've been waiting for new dining chairs since 2019. Oh, my God.
But... Look at that! ...are you ready for this? Comfort!
SHE GASPS
Oh, my God. I'm swivelling.
Now I'm watching telly.
Now I'm getting the remote.
I'm swivelling back to the telly.
I'm putting the remote down.
Now I'm going to go look out the window.
Oh, my God. You are living in 2081.
♪ In a perfect world... ♪
SHE SCREAMS
Argh! Ohh!
Have you ever done owt like that? Well, I ain't telling you if I had!
Parp-parp-parp! Parp-parp-parp!
Oh! BOTH: Barcelona!
DOG SNEEZES Urgh!
Now, I don't like that this guy's trying to tell me
how to eat my dinner.
A what? Foot fetish?!
I'd no idea that was a thing.
"Remove my britches, expose your loins."
I like that.
Oh! Oh!
THEY LAUGH
Oh, Ronnie! This is weird.
Here, he's a mercenary bugger, in't he?
This is why I don't date.
Now, that is dicing with the devil. Oh, no.
He suffers for his art, doesn't he? Clearly.
BOTH: A Bentley Continental?!
I think I'd rather call it a day, Nutty, wouldn't you?
♪ Who's been arrested now, and for what? ♪
In the week Boy George sang for San Marino in the Eurovision semis,
we enjoyed lots of great telly.
There was more drama from Downing Street dominating the headlines.
The Prime Minister arrived here, his job on the line.
Some in his party have fretted he's not up to it for months.
They are out to destroy... So you think he's just...?
...a once great country.
You think he's taken the job as PM in order to destroy the...?
Destroy it, yeah. What? Probably... You think he's pretend...?
Probably in league with the World Economic Forum and Klaus Schwab.
Oh, dear, Charles, you do sound like a nutter.
It was the party of all parties for a national treasure on BBC One.
And I think to myself...
..."What a wonderful world."
LEOPARD YOWLS
The world doesn't look like that now.
It's got Walkers crisps all over the floor.
SHE LAUGHS
It's sad.
And they were desperately seeking some romance on Channel 4.
My parents are both romantic, but the relationship with my mum,
when it comes to dating and love,
is really special.
You see, it's weird, in't it? You know, when love's first... bud...
It's like a flower, in't it, love, when you think about it?
You know, your first date is like the shoot, where it just comes out,
and then, as time progresses, it gets nice and expands
and the love gets bigger.
And then, ultimately... it dies.
In Wiltshire...
Ba-boop! Boo!
Oh, don't make yourself unattractive to me! Let me hold one!
These are the first vegetables of the season, Mary. Let me hold one!
...Giles and his wife, Mary.
One big one for Daddy. Right. One smaller one for Mummy.
OK, I'm leaving. I'm off. No, don't spoil the... Let me hold it, then.
Don't spoil the moment, Nutty. Let this be a happy family moment.
On Friday, Channel 4 had us counting down to the weekend.
Right. Come on, Ellie. Look alive.
SHE INHALES DEEPLY Oxygenate the brain.
Countdown reminds me of getting off the school bus,
going to my gran and grandad's, having tea, and watching the telly.
APPLAUSE
Concentrate, Martha.
We're going to have a child genius on our hands if we keep this up.
It's the most middle-aged shit I've ever seen.
Already five octochamps have been crowned.
Could be six by the end of today's show.
Ooh! Ooh! Excitement. The tension! Oh-ho!
...reintroduce for the last time, for now, our champion, Patrick Thomson.
We've got the champion on with a face like a smacked arse.
Patrick looks like my tone of voice.
You're up against Simon Randall.
Oh, my life! It's my friend, Simon Randall!
It's not! It is!
Get out!
Come on, Simon!
Consonant, please. Start today with R.
Here we go. Right. A "ruh".
Oh, she's loving it.
And another. H.
So what's happening here? Right, are you...?
For some of that watched it every night
at your gran and grandad's, you weren't watching, were you?
I wasn't watching, I was listening.
And another. U.
Oh. Uuu! What was yours? "Uuu"?
Yeah, "uuu"'s there.
She's trying to tell you.
And another. M.
Ooh...
PHENOMENON. No, there's no M.
PHONE!
PHONE! Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
PHONED.
PH... PHEUD...
Um... PHU... IN...
NEON. Oh, no. That's four.
Well, no, can't even do that. No, that doesn't work.
In my defence, English is, like, our third language.
Fuck me! This is horrible!
Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute.
PERONI, my favourite...! PERONI!
PHONE. PHONE. BOTH: PHONED!
I've got nothing!
IPHONE!
Patrick? A seven.
He's got a seven out of that?
Ah! Oh, well, he would, smart bastard. Patrick got a seven!
Simon? A seven as well.
He's got a seven as well. Oh! We've got a duel.
Excellent stuff. Patrick? Er, PHONIER?
PHONIER?
PHONIER? There's no F!
And for you, Simon? Yeah, the same.
Get in! Oh, God!
What's PHONIER? Like a phobia. He said "PHONIER".
Yeah, so you're scared of phones. You've got "phonia".
That's like when you've got two phones -
one of them looks
quite a bit like a phone,
but the other one's just a bit more PHONIER.
PHONE RINGS Oh, shit.
That's a phone. There's your PHONIER.
SHE LAUGHS Oh, it's our Caz.
Consonant, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Patrick. L.
L. Here we go.
And another.
E.
LAPIS LAZULI!
LEE. Oh, yeah it's got LEE. Yeah.
Consonant, please. P.
PENS... PENS!
PENIS. Mary!
PENIS. A consonant. Mother!
O-P-E-N-E-S...
Oh, God!
PENIS it is, then.
She is trying to tell us the answer here and you're not listening.
She is saying "PENISES" as well. Is she?
Martha! Going to be her first word. Stop it!
Patrick?
Please say PENIS.
Eight. Eight?! Huh?!
Mm-hm? From what?
And for you, Simon? Just seven.
BOTH: "Just a seven"!
Oh, Simon's got a seven, Jane!
What's the seven? PENNIES.
PENNIES, very good.
And the penny's dropped for Patrick. PENSIONE?
Is that Italian for PENIS?
What's that, an Indian dish? PENSIONE.
Oh, no, I'm thinking of peshwari. Oh, nice.
Patrick, though, brilliant on the conundrums.
Oh, the condrunum! The conundrum!
Easy for you to say. I can't even say it!
Sometimes it comes to me in a flash.
HE SCOFFS
It does!
Let's find out and reveal Friday's countdown conundrum.
BELL
Oh, what?! The clock didn't even start. That is mental, that.
RESEMBLED?
Let's have a look. Ah!
How?!
Shut up!
Unbelievable. Patrick Thompson, everybody.
APPLAUSE
Look at the clock.
Will you text Simon? Have you got Simon's text number?
Well, yes, I have, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Will you contact him and say, "I saw you"? Yeah, I'll message him.
"I saw you on Countdown, Simon."
In Leeds...
Right, what you want, crisp-wise?
Smoky bacon, roast chicken, cheese and onion, beef Hulas,
prawn cocktail, or ready salted?
Smoky bacon, please.
Wait until you see this.
...sisters Ellie and Izzi.
So, I've done us a bread cake each -
half wafer-thin ham, half wafer-thin chicken.
Get fucked, Fudge.
Then a cheeky half. Oh!
Lashings of butter. Yeah, but, Izzi...
Oh, my God.
...I had boiled eggs and soldiers before I came round here.
I'm just absolutely stuffed. Really?
Do you think I could...? Save it for later.
Put it in foil, take it home.
Or just force it in and pog yourself.
IZZI LAUGHS Also an option! Yeah.
On Monday, Rav and the team were fighting crime online again
on BBC One.
Oh, no! Do you need to get out
cos you want to watch Scam Interceptors?
Let's see how we can fraud people.
No, it's how you can protect yourself from baddies.
Yeah, protect people. Yeah.
The only thing I think you should be aware of
is if it sounds too good to be true, it usually isn't.
Do you not understand that?
Yeah, you just contradicted...
If it sounds too good to be true...
...then it is too good to be true. Yes.
You said it isn't. It isn't true.
It's not...
If it sounds too good to be true, then it is...
...to good to be true. ...to be true. That's it.
Glad you're not dishing out too much advice -
you'd get people all over the shop!
"To the Sky"!
Oh, my God! I had this happen to me!
As if! I like, "Don't lie to me." Oh, yeah.
No-one gives you anything back
because you've been a good customer, do they?
You've just found more remote access on someone else's device.
A different scam. Now Sky impersonation, it seems.
Ooh, Rav's looking extra dishy.
I like how he has gelled his hair today. And that black polo.
And in this case,
we can see that he's got remote access to this man's mobile phone...
Talk us through it, Curtains.
...on the right-hand side of the screen.
And then, on the left,
he's currently signing them up for online banking.
Oh, my God. No, that's quite scary. That's insane.
This is a really complex operation.
Like, he's got him
to download software...
You've got no chance with me. I can't be arsed. ..to remote on.
Sky would never do that.
Remember I worked for... You used to work for them, yeah!
I worked for them for six months
before they felt they'd seen enough of me!
Oh, debit card. No protection. Oh.
"We need your number, we need your pin code." Password. Yeah. Oh, yes.
The man is told to place his card in front of his phone camera.
THEY GASP
That's so they can capture a picture of the card, in't it?
Use it again somewhere else.
Thanks to ethical Hacker Agent G9...
Sorry, what?
SHE LAUGHS What the fuck?
...we now know the man's name, his mobile number, and postcode.
Oh, brilliant. But remember, they can't ring him. Yeah.
They've now got to get someone round there, quick. Yeah.
To protect his identity, we'll call him John.
John. Poor John's going to get scammed.
He tells John to check his TV.
While he does that, the scammer steals his money.
Ah! No!
Sending £500.
He's taken £500 out of his account. Oh, my God. "Transfer created."
He's doing another transaction now.
Another £498.
He's doing it again!
And interceptor Alice makes a breakthrough.
Oh! Come on, Alice.
She finds the telephone number of a neighbour.
Hallelujah!
A neighbour, see? That's good, see.
That's brilliant, that is.
LINE RINGS
First transfer's done.
Hello?
Oh! Hello, sorry to call you out of the blue...
They're in! There is someone,
I believe, a couple of doors down from your road
who is actually in the process of being scammed.
Could you imagine getting that phone call?
I'd be like, "This sounds like a scam.
"What do you mean?" I'd go to their door, me.
I literally just need a knock on the door and to say,
"Please get off the phone.
"You are talking to a scammer."
Come on, lady.
I can phone him and speak to him and explain what's going on.
OK, then. Oh, she's a good lass, ain't she?
Well, you'd do that straight away, wouldn't you? Oh, I would.
Without hesitation.
What's happened? Is this it?
I think she's there.
She's there. She's on the...
She's on the door.
Oh, you cheeky bugger.
Whoa.
"Internet work is going on
right now."
No, no, no, no, no, Mr Scammer.
Someone's here.
"John?" "Are you there, John?"
The call ended.
Oh! Oh!
LAUGHING
That's a result.
Get ready to meet.
LINE RINGS
Yeah. This is Rav Wilding
from the Scam Interceptor programme.
Oh! "This is Rav from the BBC."
Yeah.
I sent your neighbour to your house.
BEEP
Are you OK?
What the BEEP 's going on?
Oh, he's so distressed.
I need to reach out to Rav Wilding.
Some arsehole has cloned my card details.
You're joking. Spent £140 on my card.
Shit. But the best bit was, the bank were going,
"Are you sure you've not spent this money?"
Yeah. I'm sure.
"Do you even know who I am?"
I wouldn't spend £140 on anything.
In Durham...
The best thing I've ever bought Josh was his barbecue.
You have them every night, don't you?
Every night.
...best friends Abbie and Georgia.
It's a plug-in barbecue.
I know, but why are you not just cooking indoors
until it gets sunny outside?
Because I don't like the smell of food.
So, any smell of meat is outside, wafting away in the wind.
Josh loves it. He says, every day,
"Oh, I love this barbecue."
It's a wood fire barbecue.
What if you wanted rice?
I've also got a microwave.
So, you don't put everything on the barbecue?
No, I don't cook fucking rice on the barbecue.
What?
On Friday night, the whole nation settled in
to celebrate a remarkable milestone birthday.
Oh. Celebration drink!
It is.
But it looks like wallpaper paste.
Pina colada, isn't it? Yeah.
And it tastes like wallpaper paste.
Cheers, Sir David.
Oh, no. Properly.
Cheers, Sir David.
Happy 100 birthday. Yeah.
Hello and welcome to London's Royal Albert Hall.
Oh, look. Oh, look at that.
Isn't that nice?
Tonight, we have a very special evening
of music and celebration in store.
Do they not realise that we can see them... operating?
And tonight is all about celebrating
the incredible life of the one and only
Sir David Attenborough.
To me, David Attenborough is the male version of the Queen.
I think of... You know,
I'm proud to be British
when I think of David Attenborough.
VOICE BREAKS: When I think of him...
Steady. No.
He's just so perfect and admirable.
Unlike your miserable husband.
No. You've got a few good things about you, Nutty.
Oh, thanks for that, Mary.
I think David Attenborough is the only person
all us British people can agree on
is a national treasure.
He is.
He can't have haters.
I refuse to believe he has a hater.
There was no expense spared
as an old pal of David's
shared some special memories.
Dear David...
Oh, an actual letter.
...it is amazing to think
that you and I have known one another for more than 60 years.
More than 60 years! They're, like, BFFs.
Indeed, I believe we first met in 1958...
What?!
...almost a decade before the age of colour television.
Look at King Charles. Look at him.
Where's King Charles?
Yeah. And Anne. Princess Anne.
Oh... Who's David Attenborough?
There! Oh, hello. Not the bloody parrot.
You have shared my determination
to highlight...
...the urgent need to protect
and preserve this precious planet of ours.
I'm going to cry. Are you going to cry?
I don't know why.
Yeah, he's really, really added to my life.
I feel like I want to be friends with David and King Charles.
You've missed the boat now.
They've got their small circle.
KING CHARLES III: Thank you, then, for all that you have done.
And, on behalf of the whole nation,
I wish you
a very happy 100th birthday.
MARY SOBS
BRAKES SQUEAL
Oh!
What's going on? What's going on?
There's a tree down!
Oh! Stop it! Oh, my God! Stop it!
Here we go.
We've got a Border collie with a letter in its mouth. Nice.
♪ Today this could be... ♪
Oh.
How have taught that dog to deliver mail?
♪ ..the greatest day of our lives. ♪
Well, it's only fitting an animal should deliver it,
when you think about it. Yeah. Huh?
♪ Before we run out of time
♪ Stay close to me...
No way! It's going to take it from the dog's mouth.
Is this real life?
♪ Stay close to me
♪ Watch the world... ♪ MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
Oh, Christ. Where's it going now?
MUSIC RESUMES
Oh. Oh. It's stuck in the hedgehog.
I thought it was going to cut the hedgehog in half.
♪ ..the greatest day of our lives. ♪
Squirrel's in on it now. Red squirrel.
Not grey.
Oh, they've all come out to take his card.
Jenny, it's not... I can't help it.
Jenny, it's not fucking real.
♪ Can you hold it in your arms tonight? ♪
Bloody hell. It's amazing, isn't it?
I don't think it's actually happening, my love.
Well, don't burst my bubble, love.
HE LAUGHS
Fucking hell.
♪ Watch the world come alive tonight... ♪
I wonder if this is Sir David's actual house.
Very touching.
Here we are. I wonder who thought this up.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
Oh, and he's got it in his hand.
Oh, my God.
How good does he look for 100?
Doesn't he look amazing?
He looks really good.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
There's William... SHE SOBS
ORCHESTRA STRIKES UP ♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪
Oh, my God. We get to sing. We get to be a part
of singing happy birthday to David Attenborough.
♪ ..day to you. ♪
♪ Happy birthday...
♪ ..dear David... ♪
Oh!
♪ Happy birthday...
♪ ..to you... ♪
I'd have gone with t'Stevie Wonder option if it were me.
Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ah, look at his little face.
He looks genuinely happy, doesn't he?
CHEERING
Look at those people.
Their nice faces.
Are you finished? Yeah.
What are you crying for again?
I know, I can't help it. I think it's really emotional.
That's most probably the most epic birthday shout-out... Mm.
Ever. ..ever. Yeah. Yeah.
Later,
it only seemed right to hear
from Sir David himself.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: I see trees of green.
SHE GASPS
Red roses too. Red roses too.
I see them bloom. Hang on. This is a song, Mary. I know.
What's the song?
What A Wonderful World... Oh! ..by Louis Armstrong.
By Louis Armstrong.
And I think to myself...
SOBBING
Aw! Stop it!
..."What a wonderful world."
It is a wonderful world, when you look at the beauty, isn't it?
That's cos you're in it, David.
That's why.
I see skies of blue.
Clouds of white.
I've got goose bumps.
Bright blessed days.
Oh, I'm in bits.
I can't stop crying.
And I think to myself...
..."What a wonderful world."
IMPERSONATING LOUIS ARMSTRONG: ♪ What a Wonderful world. ♪
Mm-hm. Clock it.
The colours of a rainbow...
...so pretty in the sky...
...are also on the faces of people going by.
Oh!
Right, come on. Pull yourself together.
Me glasses are steamed up. I need me windscreen wipers.
I never want to hear another version of this song again.
No, I agree, actually.
This is the version that lives on forever now.
I hear babies cry.
I watch them grow.
Oh, it is beautiful, isn't it?
It really is. Look.
Sir David is so nice because, in a shit world,
he reminds you there are pockets of beautiful that still exist.
Yeah.
Quite simply, wonderful.
I mean, what a legacy,
David Attenborough.
I mean, he hasn't GOT a legacy.
He IS a legacy.
What do you think we're going to be remembered for?
Caravans and chickens.
Spam sarnies. Spam sandwiches.
I could do you a nice montage...
...for your birthday.
What you've done in your life.
I ain't done much, Lee.
I know. It won't be long. No.
I don't think David realises
what he's actually added to the world.
He's learnt me so much.
And me.
In Solihull...
If Aston Villa are in the top four of the league...
No, top five. Top five of the league...
...or they win this cup match that they're doing...
Yes, the Uefa Cup. That's the one.
...Teresa and her wife Anita.
...then that means that next se... Next series?
Season. Season.
...they will be in the Champions League?
Champions League, yes.
And they play other teams round the coun... the world?
Yeah, around Europe. Yeah. Europe, OK.
Right, OK.
Well done. I'm impressed.
Yeah, well, I'm just trying to
work out, you see,
whether I want them to lose so that they don't play so many games
next year so I don't have to sit here and endure so many matches.
But if they lose, then you're going to be a bit sad.
You...
I can't even believe you're thinking that!
On Friday night,
the political popularity contest was making the headlines,
and ITV was outside Number Ten with the latest update.
Did you vote, Jane?
I did vote, Simon.
Well done, you. Did you vote in person or a postal?
In person. Did you?
Yes, I don't like postal. OK.
So, yeah, it's only down the road.
I had a dream last night I went out for a pub tea with Nigel Farage,
cos I were his mate, and then I picked up the bill.
He said, did I want to go halves?
I went, "No, it's all right, I'll get it."
Jesus! What the hell?
Good evening from Downing Street
where the Prime Minister is vowing to fight on.
Can you see Keir curtain twitching in the back?
"Get ITV on. What's she saying?"
Despite Labour suffering humiliating losses
after elections in England, Scotland, and Wales.
This isn't a poll, this is actually a true temperature check
of what this nation is thinking and feeling right now.
And it ain't Labour.
Just tell you one thing about local elections, Mary,
is that people often vote in local elections
in a reckless way that they wouldn't when it was actually the...
National. ..national elections
because the local elections can be viewed as a protest vote.
I know that, darling.
Do you want me to mansplain any more?
No. No, OK.
Sir Keir Starmer said he would take responsibility
for the painful results, but that he wouldn't quit.
Well, who else could take responsibility?
The buck's got to stop somewhere.
Make me. Make me go. Make me go. God.
He's locked himself in.
But when he says he'll take responsibility,
what is that responsibility that he's going to take?
Well, he's the front man, isn't he, so he gets all the shit.
He's like Gary Barlow.
Yeah. He's the Gary Barlow of the Labour Party.
Reform UK took hundreds of council seats in England from Labour...
Gee, they've taken tonnes, haven't they, Reform?
...the leader, Nigel Farage, saying it showed there was
an historic shift away from the two main parties.
I think everybody wants to mix it up.
I'm just concerned about what we're mixing it up with. Exactly.
Yesterday is the first time in my life
that I hadn't made my mind up on who to vote for.
Cos I didn't... I'm so disillusioned.
CHEERING
The jubilation was mainly measured in teal rosettes.
You know, I used to like teal until Reform took over.
As Reform surged from Hartlepool...
...to Havering.
Look at that swagger.
We like Reform, don't we?
We do. I like Nigel Farage. Yeah.
A lot of my friends think he's awful.
There's something that we can't deny
is the amount of people voting for Reform.
And whatever you think about them, there's some appeal,
they're tapping into something.
Even if I don't like it,
they're saying something that people want to hear.
Do you know what I thought what I need to start doing
is, actually, now my local councillor, who is Reform,
need to start emailing her,
complaining about all the dog shit on my path.
"Can we have another bin?"
Can we this, can we that, can we whatever,
and see if they're up to much. Exactly.
That's what it's about.
Labour not just being punished on their right...
...but also by the Greens on their left.
Look at all those moustaches in the Green Party.
Mullets and moustaches, all of them.
Greens are always hugging,
aren't they?
You don't see many Reform people hugging. No.
I don't think Reform people
like physical contact.
The voters have sent a message about the pace of change,
how they want their lives improved.
Well, they've sent a shot right across your bow,
haven't they, sunshine?
I think a lot of Labour MPs
think now that he's stark raving bonkers, Nutty.
Do you think he's been replaced by an AI?
You know, Starmer, if he didn't sound like that,
I think a lot more people would like him.
DEEP VOICE: If he talked like this instead.
Yeah. Yeah. He's got a distinguished face, hasn't he?
Yeah. Imagine that face sounding like, I don't know, Roger Moore,
somebody like that. I'd listen to what he had to say.
We're the most shallow voters ever, aren't we? Yeah.
I was elected to meet those challenges,
and I'm not going to walk away from those challenges
and plunge the country into chaos.
I mean, it's already kind of in chaos, mate, to be honest.
Have you not seen...? Have you been out the house recently?
Really, we just need Keir to stay in charge
until the end of the summer and then he can step down.
Why till the end of summer?
Cos he said he'll let pubs stay open an extra two hours in the World Cup.
Poor Keir, I'm very sorry for him.
Cos I don't think he means any harm.
I don't feel sorry for him.
The sooner he goes, the better.
Every time he steps out of his door, people shout insults at him.
All right... ..and he seems to be the only one that doesn't know it.
Giles, I really think that with a couple of years to go
until you're dead, there is no point in you watching this stuff.
In Hull...
Do you know, Lee, I'm going to get all me bits done for me holidays.
Oh. You know, all me legs... Yes.
...best friends Jenny and Lee.
What I noticed the other day,
when I looked under me arms,
I hadn't got... Like a gorilla?
No. I ain't got none.
I ain't got any hairs under me arms.
Have you not? No. Why?
And I hadn't used anything.
So you've got more on your chin that under your arms?
This week it was a new action-packed drama that had us gripped on Sky.
I feel like a prisoner in this house.
Cos whenever I leave it, Dad goes, "Where you going?"
"I'm going out with my friends."
"Which friends? Where you going?"
What seems to be a common theme here is that it's me
asking everyone where they're going.
Yeah. Exactly. And we can't ask you.
If we ask you...
That's not true.
SARAH AND CHEE: Yes, it is!
I like a thriller, I do.
Looks all-action, this one, Julie, doesn't it?
You'd actually do well in prison
cos someone'd take you under their wing as their bitch.
Yeah, so I'd be looked after. Yeah.
You can't really knock that, can you? No.
In the episode, we joined a police briefing
about taking down a crime boss.
Putting Harrison Dempsey away is the only thing
that anyone in this room cares about.
He's got that Megamind situation going on.
I was about to say!
Yeah, that's a big head.
Full of ideas.
And the success of a guilty verdict rests on the testimony of one man.
Who? Who? Who?
Tibor Stone is the most precious asset we have.
So he's the snitch. Yuh-huh.
And he's going to grass up his boss.
So we should expect that they will do anything
to stop him taking that stand in four days' time,
and I mean anything.
Well, yeah, of course they will, won't they? God.
He's going to be like a hot potato, this guy.
Absolutely. He does look like hot property, doesn't he?
This looks marvellous, doesn't it?
I love this programme already.
Warner, Gary, Category C, transfer from Stretton.
Ah, they transport the prisoners.
Oh, OK, that's the job. Like to and from court,
that sort of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Got a weird one for you.
Head office just had a call from the National Crime Unit.
They want us to make an additional pick-up.
Oh, it's him.
It's that guy. What's his name?
It's an overnight transfer...
...under armed guard.
Oh! OK.
Soon as they say "armed guard..."
You know. ..you start thinking, "Who the hell is it?" Yeah, yeah.
"And what has he done?"
Oh, look at this, this is proper.
This is the safe house...
...in the middle of nowhere.
Also known as the grim house.
I was going to say.
Look lively, here he comes.
God, he looks like a right scary bastard, doesn't he?
I know. Sexy, innit?
Binoculars, Pedro!
Somebody's watching.
Binoculars and fingerless gloves,
that means serious shit.
Oh. It's her!
That's the assassin, then, isn't it?
She's been hired by the mob, I'm guessing.
Yeah, now they know he's on the road... They've got him. Yeah.
Oh, God, through a tunnel.
You don't want to go through a tunnel.
Oh! Oh, shit!
Get lost!
This is a set-up.
As soon as that happened, I'd say, "Do a U-ey, back out." Yeah.
Something's off.
Of course it is,
I can tell that from here!
They're like sitting ducks right now. Do something!
Ah, oh!
Oh, it's a drone.
Bloody drone.
GUNFIRE
Oh! Oh!
Oh, shit!
Hey! It's a drone gun!
Get down!
THEY SCREAM
Oh, get down!
Oh, no!
THEY GASP
Oh, my God.
Can a drone really do all of that?
Apparently so.
Open the door!
She can't open the door, she's injured, you silly git!
GUNFIRE
Oh, she's... What's she going to do?
She's going to go and open the door.
If I was her, I'd just stay where I was, wouldn't you?
Pretend to be dead, I would. Yeah.
Yes, cuffed him!
Oh, don't strap yourself to him, you ninny.
Why would she do that?
What are you doing? So you can't run.
Is she all right? This is not the time! Who gives a fuck?
Yeah. She's saying, "So you can't run."
I'd have let him piss off, wouldn't you?
GUNFIRE
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, shit. Oh, the old petrol's coming out here.
It's going to go kaboomski, this.
Oh, nice!
Run.
That's that woman. What woman?
Oh, the one with the short hair that was looking through binoculars.
You need to run faster than that. I'm telling you, man, she's coming.
We've got to get off this road.
How'd you get off of that road? Oh.
There's a river underneath, Soph.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! What are you doing?
Oh, fuck that.
No, you can't jump in the water.
Oh, here she comes. Hurry, hurry, hurry!
Quick! Oh, my God. OK.
Just go. Just go.
Come on. Go on. Come on, get your arse over here.
TIBOR: Ready?
Wait. Just wait.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait!
Oh! Yeah, oh!
I don't know why Amber agreed to jump with him.
I don't think she had much choice, darling.
You see, people who are that invested in their job
do frighten me a little bit, you know? Yeah. I'm going to die
because somebody's, you know, trying to get out of prison.
I'd be opening the back door and going, "Go on, son. Off you pop."
In Leeds...
What have you been on this weekend? Cos you've been really quiet.
Well, I was getting over the weekend, so that came into it,
but I've been... Well, I did my meal plan.
How do you stick to that? I didn't.
I ordered Coco Pops.
...best friends Danielle and Daniella.
That is literally like going to the supermarket,
buying all the healthy food, avoiding the sweet aisle,
getting home and getting a takeaway. Yeah.
However, I deleted my McDonald's app.
Oh, that's a bold move. Yeah.
Hmm. After I went to the drive-thru and used all my points
on a double cheeseburger and an apple pie.
DANIELLA LAUGHS
Your diets are my favourite.
If anybody says to me, "What type of diet do you want?"
I'll be like, "Daniella's."
On Friday night,
Channel 4 starry-eyed singles
were flirting up a storm again.
Are you dating anyone, Shaun?
No. Are you seeing anyone?
No. Are you hooking up with anyone?
No. Are you talking to anyone?
No. You wouldn't tell us if you was, would you? No.
It's your wedding anniversary soon, actually.
Is it? 22nd May.
In't that Eva's birthday? No.
Hers is 27th May.
Right.
I've got to get a couple of cards, then.
I think I might have been sober for my first date with Josh. Really?
I'm surprised he stuck around.
I'm boring when I'm sober.
No, you had 12 Long Island iced teas, didn't you?
That was when we'd got together again.
This is 26-year-old electrician
Jordan and his mum Kelly.
What?! No. He's brought his mum along?
No. I'd walk out the restaurant.
Mam and son on a date? That's disgusting.
No, they're not dating each other!
Nice to see you. Nice to meet you.
So, what's happening here?
Even Fred's freaked out. Is it father and daughter?
Fred's trying to turn it up.
Are you two sisters?
First time doing this. Why?
It's just a nice thing to do, isn't it? It is.
Yeah. BOTH: No!
What do you do for a living? I'm a student at the moment in Bristol.
I'm studying forensic science.
Is that Jordan's date?
Don't tell me she's brought her fucking dad! She's lovely.
Has she brought her dad?!
Are you ready for your date? Yes, I am, I am. Is he here?
Yes, so's your mother-in-law!
Hi. Hiya. Hi.
Amy, nice to meet you. Jordan. Nice to meet you, Jordan.
How are you? Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm so good. How are you? Good.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
This is so awkward already. Already.
"Who's this lady?" She has no idea. No.
Introducing Mum. Introducing Mum.
What's the dynamic here, sorry? This is my mum.
Hi. I'm on a date as well! Are you? I'm waiting for my date.
There we go!
Should have done that in the first place, Jordan.
There you go. It's broken
the ice now. That's better.
Thinking he's the right man for the job is carpenter John.
BOTH: Oooh! Carpenter John!
Ooh-ooh-hoo! John's a fitty.
I'm John. Hi, John. I'm Kelly. Nice to meet you. And you.
Well, that's a good start. They're both checking each other out. Yes.
These actually make a nice couple.
You've got big arms. Yes.
Muscly arms. I've got some guns. Yeah, you have.
Ohh! Oh, my gosh! That's a compliment.
Kelly's got bigger arms than John.
Go for the full bingo card and say she's got big thighs and all! Yeah.
Thunder things - lovely. "You've got a fat arse, haven't you?"
That's nice. Do you like girls
with muscles?
Yeah. That's all right, then.
She seems quite into it.
She started showing off her guns.
What do you do? I'm a carpenter. OK.
Good with my hands. So you like to play with tools as well?
I've got tools.
Oh, that was flirty!
What about you? I'm a dominatrix.
Ha! Dominatrix?
Is that not an acrobat?
I had a boyfriend once who liked me
to spank him with a frying pan.
Oh, for heaven's sake!
I do... pegging.
Excuse me?!
What's pegging?
It's what... Google it.
From what I believe it is,
it will involve some type of instrument... Mm-hm?
...and buttocks.
OK. All right. Moving on.
Wait, wait, wait. An inst...?
The amount of money that I get paid per hour
is quadruple what I was earning in the fitness industry.
To be fair, at least she's honest.
Yes, she's honest. There's a lot of people
wouldn't come out and say this on a first date.
It's relieved a lot of the anxiety and pressure that comes with
being a single parent.
So if she were on minimum wage, say, for the fitness industry,
she's on nearly 50 quid an hour, pegging.
Fucking hell.
I might have to have a little career change myself.
Like, I'm OK with whatever you think.
It's fine. You're supporting your family, so why not?
But still, even if he doesn't judge her harshly,
he probably won't want to date her
cos he'd be frightened of being manacled... or pegged.
So, then, guys, would you like to see one another again?
I'll go first, if that's all right?
He's gonna say yes. If he's going first, he's gonna say yes. Come on.
I totally respect what you do, I think you're gorgeous.
I would definitely say yes.
Oh, he didn't mince his words either. I know.
He was like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, absolutely. I like that.
Isn't that sweet, Nutty?
Isn't it sweet?
Yeah, I'd like to go on another date again and see...
Just see where it went. Yeah.
It's a double yes!
Ohh! Oh, we were totally wrong.
Oh! We know nothing.
Hats off to her. You do what you need to do
to provide for your family, you know?
I'd be a dominatrix if I needed to be.
Yeah. You'd peg someone if the kids needed feeding.
Fucking absolutely.
You'd be out pegging with the best of them.
They'd call me Peggy Mitchell.
In Wiltshire...
These steaks were advertised "ask at the butcher's counter"
for their steaks, Mary. Half price.
Why do you have to bring steaks out in this room?
...Giles and his wife Mary.
OK. Shall I put my initial on it?
Absolutely not! That's the daddy steak. That's the biggest one.
That's the mummy steak, the second-biggest one.
And the daughter will have the smallest steak, Mary.
Yeah. It's time you grew up, Giles.
Right, I'm going to write my initials...
Oh, for God's sake, don't!
My initials on my steak.
Nobody will notice even if you do write them on.
G... I'm going to write it in the fat, Mary,
just so there's no...
...quibble. No-quibble guarantee that I get my own steak.
Do you want me to write M on yours?
Absolutely not.
M... Stop it!
On Monday, it was manoeuvres at Number 10
that were making the headlines on the BBC.
It's interesting times, Teresa.
That's an understatement.
The country is upside down and back to front
and turned inside out. That's true.
I need some popcorn for this.
Let's see the end of an era, Nutty.
What are you talking about?
Starmer. Oh.
The Prime Minister has insisted he will not walk away
despite the disastrous election results last week.
He's not going, is he, kicking and screaming.
He's hanging on tooth and nail.
But more than 50 Labour MPs have now called for him to go
or to set a date to leave.
I give it the end of the week.
Imagine being at work and being told to quite by everybody
and going, "No!" Yeah.
"You need to quit. Get out."
Sir Keir says he's proved his doubters wrong in the past
and will do so again.
He's a stubborn bugger, in't he?
Well, you can't just have somebody that's gonna roll over, can you?
And I suppose, if anything, it's showing he's got integrity.
Exactly. That's what I think.
In a crucial speech this morning,
he admitted his government had made mistakes
but said he'd got the big political choices right.
Which big political choices did he get right?
By not joining the Americans.
Yeah, I'll give him that. I'll give him that, actually.
In that fight against Iran.
I mean, the one thing I would say is there's a humility to him
that I quite like.
He does at least say that people...
"I get it." And what are the actual options?
I get it.
You've been saying that for years, Keir.
You don't get it, otherwise you would have got it long ago, mate.
I feel it.
And I take responsibility.
It's just a load of bull, innit? It's all words.
That's the annoying thing for me.
I know I have my doubters.
Doubters? It's not doubters. Doubters!
We're not doubting you.
We're certain. We're certain that you're rubbish.
I wouldn't be able to handle that pressure,
what Keir Starmer's under. I'd have thrown in t'towel.
I've quit jobs for much less. You have, for much, much less.
And I know I need to prove them wrong, and I will.
No, you won't be able to
because we already know you've cocked up.
It's like an ex begging, in't it?
"I just want one more chance." "Just one more.
"I'll do anything." "I'll change."
Sir Keir Starmer's back against the wall,
he was noticeable more angry,
more passionate than we often see him.
The blazer's off.
He's got no tie on either.
The blazer's off, the button's undone
and he's ready to box the nation. Yeah.
I am their Prime Minister,
and this is their government.
A little bit of emotion there. Yeah.
A good bit of emotion. Slightly arousing... Not arousing - rousing!
Really, darling!
It was slightly rousing, not arousing.
The conversations about the Prime Minister's possible successors
are still feverish. There's the Mayor of Greater Manchester,
Andy Burnham.
Andy Burnham can't cos he's not an MP!
He's doing an all right job as a mayor. We'd lose that
for him to be Prime Minister,
so leave him in Manchester. He's all right for the minute.
Then there's the former Deputy Prime Minister, Angela Rayner.
No, we're not having her.
The two vultures circling round
their prey there. Yeah.
Angela Rayner and Andy Burnham.
Keir's thinking, "I'll poke their eyes out when I get home."
Then there is the Health Secretary Wes Streeting,
whose supporters would prefer things to move quickly,
before Andy Burnham can find himself a seat.
Well, Andy Burnham has a proven record of competence, you see. Hmm.
With Manchester. Hmm.
So it would be good.
But also, Wes has a very good sense of humour,
and he's not that incompetent.
And all afternoon here,
one after another,
yet more Labour MPs saying the Prime Minister has to go.
Jeez, they're all jumping on the bandwagon now.
I just think that all these lot that think that Keir Starmer's
gonna throw in t'towel are pissing in t'wind,
because he ain't gonna go.
He's not going down without a fight. No, he in't, is he?
He were fighting for his life out there today.
Do you remember that poster that was, like, in the '90s,
it was everywhere, just like, hang in there,
and a cat on a washing line? Yeah.
How long can he cling on?
That's Keir Starmer right now.
Do you know who I think would be a good new Prime Minister?
And I know I'm a little bit biased when I say this,
but Nitro from Gladiators.
Cos he's tough and he's strong
to put up with any shit off anybody.
He's also got it all up here. He's got it all sussed out.
He probably doesn't know anything about economics.
You don't need to, do you?
These have proved that.
♪ In a perfect world
♪ In a perfect world, singing
♪ Ohh-ohh
♪ In a perfect world
♪ In a perfect world... ♪
Subtitles by Red Bee Media