There's a spider on the butter. What is it?
Spider on the butter. Oh! Not stuck into it by its legs? No.
You mean it's just walked across the butter?
I've dealt with it in a humane way, Mary,
by putting it into the plate drawer.
♪ In a perfect world... ♪
SHE SQUEALS
Oh! Oh!
Have you ever done owt like that? Well, I an't telling you if I had.
♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba... ♪
Oh! Barcelona. Barcelona.
DOG SNEEZES Ugh!
No, I don't like that this guy's
trying to tell me how to eat my dinner.
A what? Foot fetish!
I had no idea that was a thing.
"Remove my breeches.
"Expose your loins." I like that.
Oh! Oh! THEY LAUGH
Oh, Ronnie. This is weird.
Oh, he's a mercenary bugger, isn't he?
This is why I don't date.
Now that is dicing with the devil. Oh, no.
He suffers for his art, doesn't he? Clearly.
A Bentley Continental?!
I think I'd rather call it a day, Nutty, wouldn't you?
♪ Who's been arrested now?
♪ And for what? ♪
In the week we said a sad farewell to MAFS dating coach Mel Schilling,
we enjoyed lots of great telly.
Famous faces were getting their hands dirty in the big white tent.
I'm going to be honest with you.
I'm not really a pastry girl in that sense. Never made it.
It just seems like a lot of work.
So I was told once in domestic science at school,
if you're making pastry... Yeah.
I was told you should run your wrists under cold water
and they cool your blood.
And then when you're rubbing in, your hands are...
Darling, throw it in the Magimix.
THEY LAUGH
More furry friends were finding their forever homes on Channel 4.
It is very, very difficult, but there's no alternative for us.
He needs someone that can just give him the love
that we've given him and we will miss him.
Madge jumps from the floor to the kitchen worktops
and like, goes inside the air fryers.
She knows how to open the air-fryer drawers and go inside.
Is it extreme intelligence or is it extremely bad behaviour?
I don't know. Do you know that I once, I were cooking t'other week,
I were cooking a jacket potato in t'air fryer.
I hear this crash, bang, wallop, come downstairs.
The air-fryer drawers are open
and my jacket potatoes are on the floor.
And there was something new giving us a fright on Netflix.
That is something very bad about to happen.
What, the fact that she's getting married?
Something very bad is going to happen.
Andre! What? Why are you saying that about our wedding day?
That sounds mean.
I wish someone had told me before it.
In Blackpool...
Me and Paige have had to start putting locks on the cupboards.
Really? The kids now, they just help theirselves to everything.
They're like locusts. They just strip the cupboards.
...Pete and his little sister, Sophie.
Paige went out the other day and I had Eva and Jimmy, right?
Next thing, Eva just walks in the living room
with a packet of wine gums going...
HE CHEWS LOUDLY
"Do you want a wine gum?"
I'm like, "No, you shouldn't be eating them."
"Do you want a wine gum?" You know, what are you?
A 60-year-old man who's on a long drive?
Who even eats wine gums?
That's a gateway for, like, a Werther's Original. Yeah, yeah.
Jimmy - mini rolls. Sucker for a mini roll.
Like a moth to a flame. Yeah. He had three yesterday.
I went, "That is your third." Yeah.
He's like, "Sorry."
On Saturday night, there were more BGT hopefuls
doing their thing on ITV 1.
Saturday night and we're eating carrots.
Carrot. Carrot and water, Simon.
It's the new way forward.
I wonder what talent we're going to unleash today.
Who knows? It could be anything, couldn't it, with Beeg.
BGT is just an old favourite.
How long has it been around?
At least 40 years.
Longer. At least.
Good luck, good luck, good luck.
What are these seven
silky white-suited specimens doing on our stage?
I'm going to put a wager on the fact
that I'll give it 15 seconds before someone's shirtless.
There'll be no tops on shortly.
What's the name of the group?
We are Agua Company. We are salsa dancers.
Salsa dancers!
That's not a talent, though.
My gran and grandad used to go to a salsa every week.
Dad, you're into salsa, aren't you?
No. No, the dip.
We hope we can bring our energy and our enjoyment to you,
you special judges.
Oh, don't worry, I'm already enjoyed, love. I know.
Oh, darling, it's like a line-up of your exes. That's so rude.
But actually, you're right. It is.
The way he's moving his chest! Oh, my God.
I love a man who can dance salsa. Throw me around.
You'll never forget being thrown around by that man
from the Sheffield Salsa Society, will you? No, I loved it.
Oh, they love it, they love it, these lads,
If they were choccy, they'd eat theirselves. Course they would.
It's the tongue. Did you see the tongue?
Come on, get 'em off, man!
Christ, they're a bloody dance act, not a strip show, man.
OK. You all right? Yeah. It's getting a bit raunchy.
Oh, yes. I like all that.
Oh, the quicker they get their tops off, the better for you.
Which one's your favourite?
I like him who keeps sticking his tongue out.
You can calm down. I know they're all your type...
No, no. They're all your type,
but you can calm it down. They're not. Only four are.
THEY MIMIC SONG
It's a different kind of salsa, isn't it?
It's, well... Stripper salsa.
As long as they don't take their trousers down,
I'll be quite happy, Mary, to get through this.
Obviously well waxed, aren't they? They are.
They're well manicured, those boys.
I bet they're fun to go out for a night with.
I think we'd have a really good evening with them.
I'd probably leave about midnight and you would carry on.
I'd want you to leave much before midnight.
In Surrey... Mum! It's so cool.
What made you go on to the website and decide,
"Yep, I want that cardigan,"
out of all of the cardigans on the website?
...Sarah, her husband Andre and their daughter Chee.
Well, this is not going back. I quite like it.
It's one of my favourites now.
I don't think it can be sent back
because nobody else is going to buy it. I mean, um...
How dare you? How dare you question my taste?
Unreturnable.
On Sunday night we were cooking under canvas again
with the VIPs on Channel 4.
♪ B-B-B-Bake Off B-B-B-Bake Off... ♪ Oh, for God's sake.
You're so obsessed. I love the programme,
but you're obsessed with it. I'm so obsessed.
I find that even if I'm cooking something
and I do actually follow instructions,
it's still either burnt, soggy, or cold.
Oh.
Oh, I'd love to get my lips around that.
Oof...
OK, so today the judges would love you
to make eight delicious breakfast pastries.
Ooh, lovely. Hey, listen, I've seen it on our credit card statement
that you've been having a lot of almond croissants recently.
I've now found a new one.
Almond croissant with chocolate inside.
OK. And you wonder why we're not losing weight.
Your pastries need to have a delicious filling,
which can be either savoury or sweet.
Oh, you could have a savoury filling. Oh, no.
Don't waste this opportunity on savoury.
I've never had a croissant. Haven't you? No. Oh, they're nice.
I thought croissants were for fucking posh people. Well, they are.
Well, they aren't now. They used to be. And I've never had one.
Despite failing to impress Paul last time he was in the tent...
I tried really hard on that. That's the worst thing.
...Jon's once again going entirely plant-based.
I've never had anything vegan. Apart from an apple.
Luckily, we've got no vegans in our family. No.
Morning, Jon. Hello there. Can I ask what you're making today?
Cheese twists.
Oh, like a cheese twist. Oh, Non...
I've got some of those at home, which Nona's made me. Mm, nice.
Over Asda's they've they got 'em. They're bloody gorgeous.
Have you seen themm with the bacon in as well? Mm.
What cheese are you using? Vegan. What is vegan cheese?
Probably cashew nuts or something. Ugh.
Do you know what? I've actually had vegan cheese
and it were bloody awful.
Yeah. Smelled like Paige's feet.
How long have you been vegan? Well...
Look at the disappointment.
I was the third vegan, I think, seven years ago, on the planet.
And now there's loads of us.
So you have to be nice to us now because we're an army.
I've tried a bit of Quorn.
Quorn Scotch egg. I like them.
Mum did a Quorn bolognese once and it were bloody awful.
But I think that's probably cos it's mum's cooking,
not necessarily the Quorn.
If you're going to be vegan, just be vegan.
Don't be ramming it down everybody's throat trying to educate.
Well, that's what you've got to do with vegan food, isn't it?
Ram it down people's throats,
because they won't eat it willingly, will they?
That absolutely stinks. What is it? It's fakon.
Vegan bacon, also known as fakon.
Is it tofu?
Tofu? Nah, I don't think so.
Oh, I can twist. Looks all right now, doesn't it?
It does, actually, Jon. It looks very good.
It smells over here, though. Why does it smell?
Something smells of damp.
Damp?!
Oh, no!
They're taking the mick out of him being a vegan.
It'll be his bloody vegan twists.
Have you been vegan all your life? No.
All his stuff's falling out of his twists.
Oh, my God.
It's looking a bit funky in there.
They look unreal. They look a mess. The cheese has come out.
I wouldn't eat it. I'm not even vegan.
I only did it to piss Paul off.
They look a bit pale.
The problem is that there's no egg wash
or even milk wash on the top of 'em... No.
...so they're lacking somewhat in colour.
Can you get vegan eggs? Vegan eggs? How can you get vegan eggs?
Well, how can you get vegan cheese and bacon?
Because men make vegan cheese. You don't get chickens,
say, "Oh, can you lay a vegan egg?"
It's now time for the bakers' breakfast pastries
to face the judgment of Paul and Cherry.
Oh, they look nice. They look good.
Is that a sausage roll? I don't know what the hell it is.
I think I once paid £18 for that in Gail's. Yeah.
Mm. Happy with them?
Are you happy with them, Paul?
Don't, don't... Don't turn this around on me.
Paul's fuming already.
It just doesn't look very attractive.
Yeah, sometimes vegan food doesn't look attractive, though.
You just have to eat it.
Did it crunch?
Interesting flavour.
"Interesting." What does that mean in reality?
When somebody says interesting, they usually mean shit.
I'm so sorry. Do you like it?
"I'm so sorry"!
Not what you want to be saying!
I mean, I ate one, and now I feel physically sick.
Don't get high off your own supply, Jon.
I made that tarte tatin the other day, didn't I?
That was lovely. Yeah.
Very rustic-looking, but lovely.
What do you mean, rustic-looking?
Ah, you put the crust of your pastry,
your pasty, out for that pigeon, didn't you?
Yeah. Well, aye. Have you seen him since?
Are you trying to say I've killed the pigeon, you?
Well, I'm just saying, have you seen him since?
Because he always used to be on the fence.
In Hull...
Last night, I said to Ray, "What do you want for your tea?"
Ray said, "Oh, can we have fishcakes?
"We hadn't had them for ages." So you made them?
So I made them. So I got the fish and I made them.
...best friends Jenny and Lee.
Lee, at 11.00, I could still smell the fish.
I'd been round with disinfectant.
It stunk the chalet out.
I said to him this morning, "We're not having any more."
To be fair, I weren't going to say nowt today.
Do I smell of fish?
It's from them bleeding fishcakes!
Oh, Lee, it was awful.
I weren't going to say nowt, but I'm just glad you've said
you've had fishcakes last night. Yeah. It stunk.
On Saturday night, something big from across the pond
had found its way onto Sky.
Pedders, look. What? SNL. It's come from America.
Brought us a couple of American party cups.
What we need is a laugh, Giles. Yeah.
Not more gloom-mongering from people like you.
We need cheering up.
It's Saturday Night Live.
Saturday Night Live!
Oh, I hope it's good.
Oh, I know. I hope it's good.
And your host, Tina Fey!
Yes!
Don't know who you are, but yes!
Tina Fey. Oh, Tina Fey. Yes, I know Tina Fey.
My name is Tina Fey.
Here in the UK... CHEERING
Well, they all know her, don't they? Yeah.
She's like the queen of SNL.
No-one better to come and start the show.
Tina Fey is not from the UK. Tina Fey... Well, she's allowed.
Bloody hell.
Here in the UK, you might know me as the teacher from Mean Girls.
CHEERING
Oh, I never watched that. No.
Yeah! She was the teacher. in Mean Girls! Yeah.
So why do a UK version of SNL?
We were asking the same thing, Tina.
Well, like so many large-scale American operations these days,
no-one really knows why.
Ah, that's a joke, Mary. Mm. Did you get it? Yes.
That's a knock at the war.
You see, they keep things political and current as well. OK.
And I'm so excited for you to meet your cast.
They are wonderful. I can't even begin to
understand them when they speak.
Ha-ha! Because she's American and they're British.
Yeah, all right, Baasit.
I'm just here as a long-time SNL employee
to help out and to answer any questions anyone might have
about what to expect.
Oh, hi. Yeah, Nicola Coughlan. Hi. CHEERING
She's from Derry Girls, this girl.
She was also in Bridgerton.
She's famous for Derry Girls.
She's famous for Bridgerton. Who watches Bridgerton? I do.
My question is, if this is SNL UK, then why are you the first host?
Good question.
How do I put this politely?
None of you fuckers would do it.
Well, I don't know. There'd be plenty who'd do it.
One of the lads of Blue would be up there.
Fucking right they would. Duncan would be all over this.
Course he would.
We have time for one more.
Oh, yes. Graham Norton.
CHEERING
Oh!
Ah! Where have they dragged Graham...?
What the fuck has he got on?
Let me help you.
LAUGHTER
Let ME help YOU.
I have a gift for making American celebrities likeable
to a British audience.
He does, he does.
Hey, I hear you have a really funny story
about watching British television as a young child.
Oh, well, yes, actually, um, growing up,
we thought that anything British was educational.
So my parents showed us all British shows,
and we used to watch Benny Hill as a family.
What's Benny Hill?
That... HE HUMS "YAKETY SAX"
I think.
What about Ab Fab?
Oh, sweetie, darling, you're just a little shop girl, darling.
Keeping Up Appearances?
Richard!
Jesus! She's quick.
Monty Python?
That is an ex-parrot.
I think we're a bit young for this. Yeah.
I remember everyone she said. Yeah.
Fawlty Towers. Nobody mention the war!
Little Britain.
Do you really want me to do that one?
Are You Being Served?
My pussy is like an alarm clock.
LAUGHTER
She's actually quite funny, isn't she?
HE CHUCKLES
I love that. Mrs Slocombe.
HE WHOOSHES Yeah.
Oh, that's how you win a crowd over!
They're all yours now, Tina. All yours. Oh, thank you!
We've got a great show. Wet Leg is here.
Stick around and watch this.
CHEERING
Wow. Long intro. That's some intro, innit?
Do you know what? I'm going to be honest.
I thought it were going to be shite, but it's actually spot on.
Brilliant, isn't it? Yeah.
Should we have laughed, like?
Huh? Should we have laughed?
I don't think it's mandatory,
but I think that's the essence of the show.
Oh, right.
In Wiltshire...
Oh! Right. Oh!
SQUELCHING
That's repulsive. Oh, what's that terrible noise?
This is the worst one. Oh! What's that terrible noise, Mary?
Are you having a...? I'm throwing your horrible anoraks down.
Oh, Mary!
...Giles and his wife Mary.
What on earth have you left anoraks upstairs for?
Mary, there's no reason to disrespect the anoraks.
I'm just... Will you please hang them up on the door
instead of leaving them up there? What were they doing up there, Mary?
Well, you go up absent-mindedly taking them off.
But I like them. They're a statement of identity.
Sorry, Nutty. You mustn't bring them upstairs to the bedroom.
That's my camouflage anorak. I haven't seen that for ages.
That makes me virtually invisible.
On Friday, it was troubling news close to home
hitting the headlines on the BBC.
Oh, very nice. Sandwiches!
Corned beef. Oh, I love corned beef.
I've cut all the crusts off. Everything.
Oh, thank you. Thank you. Have you got any piccalilli?
I'm sweating my tits off. What, for cutting the crust off?
LEE SIGHS
DOG FARTS
Bloody hell. Cookie!
You may have noticed, if you've started buying Easter eggs
this year, that you're paying more for less.
Finally, a news I have an opinion about.
We never got Easter eggs at Christmas... Er, Christmas!
Well, you wouldn't get Easter eggs at Christmas, would you, Lee?
We never neither.
According to the consumer group "Which?",
the traditional chocolate treats are being hit by shrinkflation,
with prices going up,
while products definitely seem to be getting smaller.
Oh, yeah, you can't get a thick egg any more.
Do you know loads of people are talking about this around the park?
Are they? Yeah, we was chatting about it only yesterday.
It's true. I thought I'd been going mad over the last few years.
I thought, "Is it just that my hands are grown-up size now,
"or have Easter eggs got smaller?
The consumer group "Which?" has been taking a look at Easter eggs
across a number of the big supermarkets.
It found that, with some chocolate eggs, we are paying more for less.
Jesus would fucking close the cave door if he heard this shit.
I mean, it's just as well we've got "Which?", really, isn't it?
Because if we didn't have "Which?", we wouldn't know all this.
Take, for example, the extra large Galaxy egg.
It would have set you back around £5 last year
for about 250g of chocolate.
40g down and a pound up. That's what I'm seeing there. Disgusting.
Oh, my God. You bastards. That's scum, that is.
That's a different level of scum
This year, it's nearly a pound more for a lighter version.
We're getting hit in every angle.
Even the Easter Bunny's wearing a mask and a striped jumper now.
Yeah. Disgusting.
And with the Cadbury Mini Eggs milk chocolate egg,
again, it's price up but weight down.
Not the Mini Eggs! I know, I know.
Mini Eggs are already mini.
Exactly. They're like mini mini now. Yeah. Mini Mini Eggs.
The inflation on chocolate is considerably higher
than other grocery items, and consumers are noticing that.
You'd want to go out with Lisa who's a consumer expert round the shop,
wouldn't you? She'd be like, "Put that down.
"Don't have that."
And this does seem to be a bit of a trend in the chocolate aisle.
We know about shrinkflation. We know about skimpflation.
They've stopped saying now, "Would you give somebody your last Rolo?"
Because you wouldn't, would you, now?
"Do you know how much this cost?"
Yeah. I want to save it for myself.
Is it making us healthier, though?
Don't start that. No? Don't give him a scapegoat.
Yeah. If you're buying an Easter egg,
you're not doing it to track your calories, are you?
No, it's... Yeah. No-one's putting an Easter egg in MyFitnessPal.
Manufacturers have faced tough choices.
Some have cut the amount of cocoa they're using.
You can tell, because it doesn't taste t'same, does it?
So they're probably cutting a bit of cost with less cocoa
and still charging the same while shrinking stuff.
I've never seen you so angry.
I don't like the economy right now, Callum.
Take these examples.
They can actually no longer officially be called chocolate
because they don't have enough cocoa in them.
What? Penguins?
I love Penguins. I know you do. Calm down.
It's gone from a P-P-P-Penguin to a P-P-P-pisstake.
It's not only big brands affected by this.
Smaller independent businesses are too.
Other people have alcohol and cigarettes.
I do feel I want 400 calories of chocolate per day,
because life's unmanageable without it. Yeah.
So I treated myself to a bag of Mini Eggs.
Jesus Christ, I'm still paying them off.
Yeah. "Can you take Klarna for this Easter egg, please?"
"Can I Klarna these Mini Eggs, please?"
In North London...
So there's many things I'm going to start doing this week,
you know, because I've got the keto diet
I'm starting on Monday.
People are all going on diets, like. Is it?
I might as well join as well.
Who else is going to diet?
Mum says she's gonna do some sort of challenge with you.
She wants to see who's going to lose more weight
between you and her. What?!
...sisters Amira and Amani.
Yeah, that's what she was telling me yesterday. That is messed up.
Yeah. She goes, "I'm gonna go on a challenge with Amira."
Like, "I'm going to see if I can do better than her."
That's what she was telling me.
My own mum won't even let me be my skinny legend self.
What, she's gonna lose weight faster than you?
That's gonna be so funny. It's a good thing you told me,
because I feel like that motivated me even more
to beat Mum at her own game.
Go ahead.
That has just fuelled me to the next level.
On Saturday,
there were some naughty celebs up to no good on ITV.
What's going on with till? What's wrong with her?
Oh...
Oh!
I hope you're not bringing spooks back in the house, look at Till.
Remember when we were younger, you used to pull bare pranks on me,
do you remember? When I used to be gullible.
Yeah, do you remember?
This sprawling estate is the home of six brand-new TV shows.
I love that venue, wherever that is. Beautiful.
Hypothetical wedding.
Welcome to Couple Goals.
Welcome to The Applicant.
I'm confused already.
But what none of them know is that all of these shows are totally fake.
Sneaky.
But the contestants are a bit daft, aren't they, going on a fake show?
They don't know it's fake.
That's because hidden in the basement is Mission HQ.
Hold up. What? There's a whole new level now.
Home to an elite team of celebrity saboteurs.
My head is absolutely spinning with what this could be about.
I think I might have to write this down.
Tonight, the celebrities take on
their very first fake show, The Applicant.
Bit of an apprentice feel. Think so.
The Applicant, is that a show?
That's a fake show.
Welcome to The Applicant.
Over the next two days,
you will be competing in a series of tasks to test
if you can thrive in the competitive world of business.
So these are the contestants
that think they're going onto a real show.
Team Blue Vision, you will be hosting
a wellness and yoga away day.
Corporate away day, team building exercise.
Kill me now.
So we would be required to make a home made rejuvenating face mask
for the guests.
So we're going to say this one includes matcha.
They'll put matcha in fucking anything.
Honestly, I'll wait till they start putting it on chips or something.
Mission alert.
Here we go. What are they going to do?
Joel, disguised as an armchair...
What? An armchair?
That's quite something. Yeah.
Have you ever disguised yourself as an armchair?
I've disguised myself as a hat, but not as an armchair.
You must ruin the face mask mix
by adding too much green powder so it stains the client's skin.
No!
Geez. How are you going to do that?
Joel, we can see you. You look amazing.
Oh, that's an armchair, Mary. That's funny.
Oh! He's in. He's landed.
He actually does look like a chair now.
He does. That's so clever.
Joel! Keep Blue Vision moving. They're on the move.
That is spot on. That's brilliant.
You're not really gonna think
someone's a fucking fake armchair, are you?
Shall we go and see how Emma's getting on with the yoga?
Let's get it. Let's do it. Let's go.
This is his moment.
There he is. Go on, Joel!
It is childish, isn't it?
You're going to need to add some water.
Oh. That's so much.
I don't think we need to overthink it.
It'll be fine.
Oh, he's gone even more. He's put the full lot in.
Well, go hard or go home.
Do you mind if I put this face mask on your face?
Oh, here we go. This is going to be so awful.
Only the best and most premium products...
...for our guests at the Blue Vision retreat.
That is so green.
Look how relaxed they look.
Little do they know that when they finish, they'll look like the Hulk.
Does this have magic ingredients in it?
It does. It sure does.
OK, ladies, it's time to remove your masks.
Oh, good luck.
Oh!
Bring it on.
Oh, no. It's not going to...
It's not going to stain our face, is it?
Yes, it will.
Oh!
That's rank. I look like Shrek.
You do look like Shrek, lady.
If you just scrub gently, just in circular motions,
it will come off.
No, it's not, Emma.
Oh, she looks like Kermit the Frog.
Oh! She's making it wet.
I feel like they put too much of a certain ingredient
in the face mask.
That's it. Blame somebody else. He always does.
Well, that's a very silly programme, Nutty.
Very silly.
But it did make us laugh once or twice.
Once or twice will be enough. In spite of our serious selves.
You once tried to say that I'd sabotaged you
by putting chewing gum in your hair the night before prom.
You fucking did. No, I didn't. What happened was is
we were fighting, I had chewing gum in my mouth and then I said,
"Time out. I've lost my chewing gum."
And you said, "I hope it's in your hair."
You turned around to walk away, and lo and behold,
it was in the back of your hair.
You spat it in my hair
and I had to freeze it out the night before prom.
Disgusting behaviour.
Mum's on about cutting it out, I said absolutely not.
In Derby...
So I went to the barber's, and when I was walking past
I saw a sign and it said that we now do like nose waxing.
...the Siddiquis.
Oh, it's an experience.
So they get this thing, yeah, they get the swab.
They then cover it with this like green kind of goo.
Yeah. Then they shove it up your nose
and then they just go off for a walk,
come back and they yank it,
and he showed it me afterwards as well.
How many, like, hairs came out. Oh, my God.
But that's such a guy thing, isn't it?
He like showed me, he's like, "Yeah, are you impressed with that?"
A guy thing, yeah.
This week, something creepy was going on Netflix.
There's a woman, um, renting a house in Ham - H-A-M - the village,
currently with a ghost in it, and she doesn't know if it's her job
or the landlady's job to have the ghost evicted.
Oh.
I don't think I want to watch this, Lee.
Oh, go on. I want to get a good night's sleep.
I don't think I'm going to get a good night's sleep watching this.
Something Very Bad is Going to Happen?
"Five days until 'I do.'"
So in other words, five days till the wedding.
Oh, she's nodding off. She's nodding.
Time to pull over, love.
Oh. Careful.
Are you OK? Oh, my God, Do you want to switch? You can switch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why is he not driving? She's fucking falling asleep, man.
Why are they always driving off to the middle of nowhere?
Yeah. Where are they?
Stopping for a rest.
I would not be going there.
I would not be stopping there.
I would hold my wee until the next place that I get to.
What's she seen? What's she seen, Jane?
Dogging.
Oh, my God, Nicky! Nicky, come here.
What's she seen? What's in there?
Look. Oh, my God. Do you think it's OK?
A baby?!
Christ. What's this all about?
OK, stay here. I'm gonna go check the bathroom.
No, no, don't get separated from him.
Happy baby.
DOOR CREAKS
Oh, God's sake.
Oh, look at the state of that.
And that's the women's. I'd hate to see the men's.
Why are they all locked?
Who's left the baby in the car?
There's only one car in the car park.
I checked the men's room.
There's no-one in there. Oh, fuck. No service.
Oh, there's never no service when you want it, is they?
OK, but I think one of us should stay here with the baby.
And the other one should drive to the nearest gas station
or restaurant or whatever and call for help.
I'd say I'll go to the gas station.
No way could I stay there like that, waiting for somebody to come.
Why are all the services... Derelict. ..and creepy?
Hi. Hi. Excuse me. There's a, like, a rest stop 20 miles south of here.
20 miles! She's drove 20 miles.
We found a baby abandoned in a car
and I think that maybe something like...
Oh, there's someone else there.
There's someone else in the background.
Oh, my God, there is, you're right.
Uh... Benjamin.
Yeah. Benjamin.
She don't look like a Benjamin to me. No.
Is she a ghost? No, she's not a ghost, Dad.
She's something much worse. She's Gen Z.
Benjamin was the name of the guy who worked here before me,
but he hung himself in the bathroom with an electrical cord,
and they were too cheap to get me a name tag with my own name on it.
OK, this is all just looking lovely
and a happy place to hang out and have a beer.
Getting better by the second.
Could you call the cops now, please? Yeah, yeah.
Wait here. I'll call.
Will they stop this nonsense? Jane. Jane.
This show, every door is really noisy.
God, she likes fucking toilets, doesn't she? She's in the toilet.
Why is she going in the toilet again?
Hovering. Good... Good choice.
Door just opened.
Oh, my God.
SCREAMS
Oh my God, that is fucking terrifying.
Oh, my God.
I would be running out of there.
Oh, yeah. Gotta go and clear your head.
She was just having a pee and a guy's looked down on her,
and she's just like, "I'm gonna have a gumball."
Have a wee gumball, yeah.
There he is. Yeah!
Oh, my God. Is that Bill Bailey?
She's got her keys ready.
He's coming, Lee. He's coming. You can see him.
You can see him in the bubble gum machine.
You can see him through the glass ball.
My God, she put it straight through his hand.
He didn't even feel it. Shit, man.
Is it out yet? Yeah.
Do you want your key back?
Why is he feeling the hand and looking at the ring?
I'm sure he's the one.
Are you sure he's the one?
Weird.
Ooh. I remember my sisters asking me that about you.
Did they? Yeah. Are you sure he's the one?
Having been half scared to death,
Rachel headed back to her fiance at the service station.
Has she found him. Is she back? Is she back?
I can't breathe.
Where's the car? Where's the baby?
Where's your fella?
They're gone.
No, no! Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off!
Too much, too much.
For someone who handles horror as well,
you were a bit damsel in distressy, you were.
What did I do? Yeah, you... You were just a girl scream.
Yeah, I can handle it. Doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter. I can do like that and then go into fight mode,
innit? Will somebody save me?
Oh, God.
In Leeds... What do you think to my eyebrow pencil?
I did notice your eyebrows looked a little different today.
With this new eyebrow pencil,
I feel like the colour's a bit different,
and it makes them look like they've been drawn on with a Sharpie.
Yeah, they do look a bit Sharpie-ish. I didn't want to say.
...sisters Ellie and Izzi.
I don't mind Sharpie eyebrows.
Do you not think my eyebrows are Sharpie-ish?
No. Yours looks softer than mine.
Maybe I just... Maybe... It's your application.
Maybe it's my application. Maybe it's my technique.
Yeah, I think it probably is.
Can't polish a turd.
No.
But you can draw eyebrows on it.
On Tuesday, there was something soft and fluffy on Channel 4.
Do you remember when I took my gran's neighbour's dog
out for a walk?
Bertie? Bertie was a whippet.
She ran home.
Away from you? I turned round,
the fucker was gone.
I mean, I personally feel about Merlin,
the reason he makes me so happy
is that I know that, in his little head,
he doesn't know about anything other than walks,
dog food and cuddling.
Oh, no.
I think he knows about a lot of...
No, he doesn't know about Putin, Ukraine.
He does. He's very... He doesn't.
He's very interested in the Iran conflict... He is not.
...and the inconsistencies in Trump's behaviour.
Every year, Woodgreen takes in over 600 dogs.
Good lad. Each one looking for a forever home.
Oh, look.
They're all lovely.
The newest arrival is on his way.
Oh! That looks like... ..a cockapoo.
Yep. So tell me, who have we got here?
This is Ozzy. He is eight months old.
Ozzy! Oh, is he being left at the pound?
We are in the process of moving internationally.
Oh!
She's in shock here. She can't believe this. Like, "What?!"
She can't. Look at her. Leaving the dog behind.
"What?" We've weighed up the...
The various different factors, if you like,
with taking Ozzy with us.
There's vaccinations, there's the quarantine,
there's the flight, there's... temperature.
That must be so hard.
You get a dog and then, eight months later, you have to move
and you have to potentially give the dog up.
Actually, he's clearly doing the right thing.
Doing the right thing.
If I stay in here with Ozzy while you leave, if that's OK. Yep.
Cheers. Thank you very much. Take care.
Bye. Bye-bye. Oh, he's leaving. Oh... Oh.
Oh, bless him. Oh, that's got to be heartbreaking.
Oh, look at Oz. Oh, no.
It's OK, buddy. MAKES KISSING NOISE
Aw!
Don't show this.
"Where's my dad going? Where's my dad?"
GASPING
With mum and dad in tow,
animal-obsessed Aurora is keeping all of her options open.
Look at her, with the little dog teddy and her dog jumper.
She's on a mission to get a dog today, isn't she?
Have you discussed who's going to be doing
all the different jobs with this dog?
No.
Aw!
Who's going to be...? She's gorgeous.
We have discussed who's going to do jobs... Yeah.
...because we said you need to do some of these jobs, don't you?
Clean up after it and wipe its feet... Yeah.
...after it's been the garden.
"Oh!" She's like, "What did I agree to again?"
Yeah. I don't really know. I agreed to something,
but I don't really know.
You clean up after it, and you wipe it feet.
Ha-ha! Got it all worked out, Aurora. Huh?
Come here. This way. Buzzing!
Oh, here he comes!
Oh, come on, Ozzy.
I love this part.
It's like, the first meet.
Oh! He's here.
Here he is.
Oh, look.
What will she think?
Oh. Ozzy.
Oh!
Look at Aurora's face.
So he's very into everything.
He is a social butterfly. Oh!
Oh, she's not frightened of him, is she?
Oh! No, don't run away from him.
He's fine. Ozzy! Has he just got a wet mouth?
I think Aurora's a bit cautious, isn't she?
Yeah, she is. Yeah.
No... Well, this isn't going as I thought it would.
Calm down. The mum's panicking now
cos she's thinking, "Have we made the right decision here?" Yeah.
"This is going to be a McDonald's on the way home."
Yeah. Crying. Try and smooth things over.
Go and get him a toy. Go on, Aurora.
Good girl.
Can you see in there?
This toy, he might like.
Yeah. Throw it.
Whoo! AURORA LAUGHS
Hey, look. She's playing with him, Ron.
Yeah, look at that.
Is he going to bring it back, though?
Whoo!
AURORA LAUGHS
Oh, she's having fun now. Whoo!
Oh.
She didn't flinch, though.
They're becoming friends now.
She's bonding with him. She's bonding with him.
OK.
Come on.
Oh, I think he wants me.
Oh. He's sitting down.
Yes! That's what I want to hear!
Well done, Ozzy.
Well done.
Oh!
Stop it! There we go. Stop it. Now it's all perfect. Mm.
He's making friends with me.
That's sweet, isn't it?
SOBBING
Is this making you cry?
That has really...
Honestly, in a world full of shit,
how lovely is that?
Really nice. Oh, my God,
that is just adorable.
Yes. That was really lovely.
You're crying! Are you?
Yes, slightly.
No!
So, I'm booking us in...
No! ..to go to the doghouse.
No, we're not. No, no, no. Why? No, not yet.
We would think about it, but I know, if you go there,
you'll just come back with a dog.
I can give an old boy another chance in life, like you.
Oh, thanks, darling.
In Leeds... Have you recovered from Southport Weekender?
Because we lost our voices.
I was going to say, up until yesterday, I was a bit croaky.
I definitely clocked up about 85,000 steps that weekend.
I know.
...best friends Danielle and Daniella.
They say ravers burn more calories than gym goers.
Oh, absolutely. Let me tell you, in my raving days -
at my, like, pinnacle of my raving days - I was svelte.
Mm. Same.
I was... Same. Body! Same.
And then you're adding the heels.
My toes were like that.
But my "body"... "Body!"
With them ginger toes.
But "body"!
Oh, man, take me back.
On Sunday night,
contestants were playing cat-and-mouse
in a new high-stakes game show on Channel 4.
I've seen this advertised. Looks all right, this.
It looks... Basically one bunch of people chase another lot of people.
Adult hide and seek. Sounds cracking.
We're resorting to child's games now... Yeah.
...cos we're running out of game show ideas.
Next, it's going to be hopscotch or something like that.
It'll be bloody Red Rover, won't it?
Ten players...
...will fight to win up to £100,000...
You don't even need to pay me to do this.
Can I just say?
You'd do it for free? I'll do it for free. Just for fun.
...pitted against each other as prey...
I'm feeling so nervous right now.
...versus predator.
Do you know who'd be good at this? Sue from t'running club.
Yeah, she would. Oh, I hate being chased.
I have nightmares about that, you know.
Oh. Do you? Oh, terrible.
And they never catch me.
God knows how.
Well, I must be fast in my dreams.
You love The Hunger Games and all that sort of stuff too, so...
The thrill of the chase. Yeah.
Once the chase is over, who cares?
THEY LAUGH
Yeah, you chased me for so long and then, you know, got me.
It's the easiest hunt I've ever had. Yeah.
Predators, your task is simple.
Hunt the prey.
Surely you want to be the predator.
What group would you want to be in - prey or predators?
I need to see the benefits of both.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If one of you catches a prey,
you will swap roles in the game.
Oh, so the prey doesn't die?
The prey just becomes a predator.
Each night, one predator will be voted out of the contest.
Oh, so you're safer being prey!
You'd think that being a predator would be a good thing.
But in this game, it's not. You don't want to be a predator.
You want to be prey.
At the end of this hunt,
if any of the five of us are still predators,
the rest of us who have become prey...
...has their back.
They're plotting, Mary.
Trying to scheme already, you know. Trying to form alliances.
Prey are the only ones that get a say in the cull,
so Nathan has proposed a pact.
"Pact"? What's the pact?
Right, we've got a pact. Already.
They've only just met each other.
As long as we convert the majority of us into prey, we're all safe.
Yeah. Nathan's basically put his hat in the ring here and said,
"Look, us lot, we've got to stick together as predators."
So, these five are on the back foot, aren't they?
By the end of today, they need to be prey.
Three. Two. One.
KLAXON
Go! Get out of there.
It's basically a big game of tig.
In the woods.
For adults.
For money!
Fuck's sake.
After predator Roy caught Shelley, he was then on the run as prey.
Who's that?
Oh, he's spotted someone.
Oh, it's another one, it's another one, it's another one.
No way!
Out of all the people, I had to see in this damn forest,
it had to be you. It's fucking Roy!
Roy! This is going to test the alliance now
cos he's the first one to switch over
and he's the first one caught again. See this pond?
Yeah. There's another...
What? Did he just say, "I really want to catch you."
It was his idea!
Nathan's the guy that suggested the pact.
Yeah. No, Nathan!
He's funny. Nathan didn't even hold back.
He just went, "Shut up for a minute. I really want to catch ya."
We can't started turning each other in the first hunt.
All right. I'm not going to catch you because I like the game plan.
Tempting, though, wouldn't it? I'd have done it.
I know you would.
You'd just sack that pact off the minute it was made.
Players, the Glade is now reopened.
The hunt will conclude in ten minutes.
Oh. Ten minutes.
You've got to make your way back to the Glade, where you all started.
Yeah. Oh! Come on.
Ready to pounce. It's Nathan! Nathan again.
No!
Nathan's coming out.
Nathan's coming for Roy.
Oh, Roy! Roy!
Oh, my God, he is, too.
Nathan, you shit!
Sorry.
I'm sorry. I've got to do it.
Oh, no.
Oh, I cannot believe the cheek of Nathan!
Yes!
No!
Oh, come on.
Oh, they got him. But it was Mel who got him.
So, not only is Nathan showing his true colours,
he's also still a predator.
That's chef's kiss.
This has proper made me want a game of hide and seek.
Mum... I'll hide first.
Deal is, it's got to be within the house and the garden.
Give me 30 seconds.
Yeah? Yeah. Sorted.
15 seconds now. No, you start when I go.
See what's on the other side now, Julie.
♪ In a perfect world
♪ In a perfect world, singing, yeah, oh
♪ In a perfect world
♪ In a perfect, perfect world. ♪
Subtitles by Red Bee Media