1 00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:04,839 This programme contains strong language 2 00:00:04,840 --> 00:00:07,159 and adult humour from the start 3 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:08,839 Do you want to come and see my bed, Simon? It's new. 4 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:11,199 Oh, it's like satin, isn't it? Isn't it cute? It's very nice. 5 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:13,239 I'm just gonna have a little lay down. Is that all right? 6 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:15,679 Well, you'll be the first man on my bed. And I expect to be the last. 7 00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:17,159 JANE LAUGHS Don't want to hear any more. 8 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:18,279 Oh, my God. Um... Oh, my God. 9 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:21,919 This is nice, isn't it? Is it? Yeah. Night-night. 10 00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:23,879 Night-night, Jane. 11 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:25,639 ♪ In a perfect world... ♪ 12 00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:27,079 Argh! No! 13 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:28,399 BOTH: Ooh! 14 00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:30,279 What an entrance. I'm living for this. 15 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,479 Taser him! 16 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:32,799 Ooh. 17 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,119 "We talk like this, also." "I don't think so." 18 00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:36,279 Oh. 19 00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:38,599 Oh, here we go. What is that? 20 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:40,159 Oh, Shut up! This doesn't look real. 21 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:41,519 I don't think it is. 22 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:44,239 A "framboisier"? What's a "framboisier"? 23 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:45,759 Oh, I knew it. No! 24 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:47,599 This looks dodgy, don't it? It does. 25 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:49,319 Why is it dodgy? 26 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:51,119 This is gonna go down so badly. 27 00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:52,240 None of us learn, do we? 28 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:56,679 Wow. I hate you. 29 00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:58,719 Must remember that, bellend. 30 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:00,639 This is what everyone came for. 31 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:03,559 The alarm bells are ringing with me, Mary. 32 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:06,360 At least her nipples are covered. Yeah, it's half the battle. 33 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:10,799 In the week the Brits Awards went to Manchester, 34 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,520 we enjoyed lots of great telly. 35 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:16,679 Alexander Armstrong was on the loose in India... 36 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:18,039 Extreme poverty, 37 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:19,559 spectacular wealth - 38 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:25,519 all jostle alongside each other in a full-on riot of colourful chaos. 39 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:28,439 I do feel like I'd like to explore the world a little bit more 40 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:30,319 because there's so much to see, 41 00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:33,079 but I get scared of going somewhere I've not been before. 42 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:35,599 I'm very like... I like to stay at the same places. 43 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,559 I just think there's so much to see in Durham and Newcastle, 44 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:39,560 I'm happy where I am. 45 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:44,279 ...people were getting uncomfortably close on Channel 4... 46 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:46,959 Can I just have my arm up here? Yeah. 47 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:48,640 Yeah, that's nice, isn't it? Yep. 48 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:53,839 Do you know what? I can kind of get what it's like 49 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:56,199 to be handcuffed to somebody difficult, you know? 50 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,519 Because every time I come around here and sit with you, 51 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:00,239 it's the same kind of vibe. 52 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:01,800 Nobody's got a gun to your head. 53 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:05,199 You're 'round my house. 54 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:06,679 You've come round. 55 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:08,960 See what I mean? Being difficult already. 56 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:14,519 ...and famous faces were feeling flummoxed on Channel 5. 57 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,839 Pink wafer and milk chocolate digestive. 58 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:18,119 BUZZ 59 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:19,799 Oh! No! 60 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:22,079 You can steal, Matt and Sally. 61 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:23,359 It's a nice game, this, Mary. 62 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:24,919 Very relaxed. 63 00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:27,799 Mm. And it doesn't have any of the stupid background noise 64 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:30,879 that the others have. Yeah. 65 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:33,799 MARY HUMS TUNE THEN VOCALISES HIGH-PITCHED SCREECH 66 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,159 Very good, Mary. You want to do that again? 67 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,400 No. 68 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:46,959 In Leeds... 69 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,519 Toby's text me. He said he's left me a present upstairs. 70 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:52,239 Let me go and see what it is. 71 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,999 Aw! 72 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:56,559 ...sisters Ellie and Izzi. 73 00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:58,480 Oh, he's such a wet wipe. 74 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:02,160 He's not! Why has he got you them? 75 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:06,639 I don't know if he's put a card in. What has he...? Oh. They smell nice. 76 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:08,159 What has he done? They smell lovely. 77 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:09,239 Nothing. 78 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:11,520 GASPING For frig sake! 79 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:16,999 That's what you get for gloating with your flowers. 80 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,639 Spilled juice on me own carpet! 81 00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:22,359 This week, the love-blind hopefuls of Netflix 82 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:24,679 had stepped out of the pods 83 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:27,199 and into the next phase of the dating game. 84 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,519 You're just coming on to the motorway of love, 85 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:30,999 really, aren't you? 86 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,959 If you think about it, you know, with the getting engaged 87 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:34,319 and getting married. 88 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,839 You know, me and Paige have got a couple of miles under our belt 89 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,239 on the love motorway now. 90 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,559 Yeah, I'd say I'm probably off the slipway, gaining speed. Yeah. 91 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:42,199 Yeah, whereas we are... 92 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,999 We're cruising at 70, 93 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:46,799 you know. Holding on for dear life. 94 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,119 When everyone says, "What's your type?" 95 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:50,879 I mean, I don't think I have a type. 96 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:53,400 Well, I do, but I'm trying to change my type. 97 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,399 There's quite a lot in there. 98 00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:59,239 Let's unpack that. 99 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,239 ♪ And a groove, and a groove and a rhythm. ♪ 100 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:04,559 The couples have just met about a week ago, 101 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:06,839 and now they've moved in together. 102 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:08,279 Yes. 103 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,159 They haven't got the ick yet. 104 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:11,959 This is where it all starts, though, Jenny, 105 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,919 cos they've moved out of the pods now. 106 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,320 Oh, right. This is it. They're face-to-face. Mm. 107 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:19,279 {\an8}I'm so excited. 108 00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:21,599 Let's see what she's doing. Are you ready? 109 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:22,719 Now for Jessica and Chris, 110 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:24,199 everything's been going unbelievably well 111 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:26,559 but it is the home stays, so that could change. 112 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:29,439 You don't know anybody until you've seen their living environments. 113 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:31,279 Yeah, it's just crazy, like you're here. 114 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:32,799 I know. 115 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,119 I can't wait to see your place, too. I know, I'm so excited. 116 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:36,919 I think you look at me like that 117 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,200 but normally after a few glasses of prosecco. 118 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:43,279 I don't know why he doesn't take his hat off in the house. 119 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:44,879 I know I've said this repeatedly, 120 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:46,799 but I'm so excited to come home to you. 121 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,279 BOTH: Aww! 122 00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:49,640 This is over the moon, yeah? 123 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,479 Mm. Ooh. Kiss me quick. 124 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,079 Ooh, getting kisses, too, boy! 125 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,559 Where's the sick bucket? 126 00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:00,879 Do you know why? Because we're not used to seeing it on here. 127 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:01,999 Oh, no. This is it, you see. 128 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,559 I think someone's coming, though, Lee. 129 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:06,240 No, I just think it's fucking jealousy. Yeah. 130 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:11,479 JESSICA SIGHS 131 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,799 Hello? That was a sigh coming in, wasn't it? 132 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,119 Uh. 133 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:16,239 GROANING 134 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:17,599 Something's off now. Mm. 135 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:19,559 There's been a switch up in the body language. 136 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:20,920 How's your day? 137 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:25,919 It's productive. Yeah? 138 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:27,319 How so? 139 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:29,119 He just gave her t'cold shoulder. 140 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:30,359 Energy's well off, man. 141 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:31,999 Not even giving her a kiss hello! 142 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,439 Where'd you go last night? 143 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:34,839 Where did I go last night? 144 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:37,199 He's trying to think of where he went last night, 145 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,679 so what he's saying isn't actually where he was. 146 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:42,079 If you had called for two minutes and been like, 147 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,439 "Hey, like, I just really feel like I need to, like, see my friend 148 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:46,359 "and, like, fucking decompress and talk and I'm..." 149 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:47,999 Oh. This isn't good. 150 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,479 He's not thinking about you, love! 151 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:53,120 If Josh didn't call me one night, I'd have been fuming. 152 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,359 Mm. 153 00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:57,959 I would have enjoyed the peace. 154 00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,239 Instead of getting a text, 155 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:01,159 being like, "I'm getting a drink with a friend. 156 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,159 "I'm staying down here." Oh, he ditched her last night. 157 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:04,959 Yeah, Chris went out... Chris went out last night. 158 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,359 No phone call, nothing. 159 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:07,559 And, like, that was it. 160 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,279 Like, I don't need to be in constant communication. 161 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:12,319 It's not constant communication, it's just basic manners. 162 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,679 I sent you one text today saying that... Yeah. 163 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:16,159 ...and saying that I love you, 164 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,079 and you didn't say anything back. 165 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:19,639 Something going on here, girl. 166 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,919 And he didn't say anything back! 167 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:24,359 That'd be it. If Toby did that to me 168 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,279 while he's in Windsor and I'm in Leeds, 169 00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:27,919 I'd be straight on the M1. 170 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,079 Very vast difference 171 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,399 from being in constant communication with someone. 172 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:32,839 He wants to try going out with us. 173 00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:35,240 It'd be 66 missed calls later for me. 174 00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:39,199 I feel like a lot of my life, I wasn't as direct as I needed to be. 175 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,519 Oh, no. Oh, here we go. 176 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:43,439 Do you think we have a good physical connection? 177 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:44,800 THEY GASP 178 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,279 Uh... Oh. 179 00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:49,719 He wants out. 180 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:52,079 You do not say something like that to a woman. Hell, no. 181 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:54,919 I do. Do you not? I feel like it's super important. 182 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:56,479 Oh, my God, he doesn't fancy her. 183 00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:59,439 I'm trying to, like, pick my words carefully. Mm-hm. 184 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:01,119 Yeah. You better, you better. 185 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:02,719 And that's one thing. As a man, 186 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,559 you know, you've got to pick your words carefully 187 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,879 cos I've said some shit, you know. 188 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:10,159 Like, for me, like, just to be totally honest... 189 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:11,399 Please. 190 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,719 ...and, like, without sounding like a fucking dickhead. Yeah. 191 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:14,639 You're going to sound like one. 192 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:15,839 So just go ahead. 193 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:17,759 He's not even giving her eye contact so we know what's coming. 194 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:17,799 Go for it. I date people who, like, 195 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:20,119 Go for it. I date people who, like, fucking do, 196 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:21,759 like, fucking CrossFit and shit. M-hm. 197 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,079 Oh, wow. So he's basically saying 198 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:26,399 that she doesn't look like he thought she looked like, 199 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:27,839 and he's not into her. 200 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:29,399 What a wanker. 201 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,079 Is he blind? I wouldn't... 202 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:32,639 She's gorgeous. 203 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:34,439 Somebody who like works out all the time 204 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:38,039 and, like, has... OK. ..like, a different type of... 205 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,199 He's still at it. 206 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:40,599 Oh, no. You do know. 207 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,479 Come on, spit it out. 208 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:44,119 A different type of, like, body? 209 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:45,799 Oh! Red flag. 210 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,519 Knob, get rid of. Yep. 211 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:50,239 You're like five-foot-three. 212 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,159 Who are you to talk about her physique? 213 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:53,160 I'm sorry. 214 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,599 I wasn't expecting that. 215 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,839 Can you stand up for me so I can have a second look? 216 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,159 Just like somebody who... 217 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:05,999 ...does fucking, like, Pilates every day, 218 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:07,639 or like someone who's, like, working out every day. 219 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,239 She's a doctor. She ain't got time. 220 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:10,719 This is what I mean. 221 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:13,279 She's busy, saving lives and shit. What are you doing? 222 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:16,199 He's hardly Brad Pitt himself. Brad Shit, more like. 223 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,879 I feel really stupid. Why? 224 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:20,839 Because you fat-shamed her, that's why. 225 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:22,119 Ya tosser. 226 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:24,799 "You're not working out every day" is even a sentence 227 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:27,159 that came up in this conversation is blowing my mind. 228 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,519 Oh, my gosh. It's not even what I meant by that. 229 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,879 That is exactly what you've just said. 230 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:34,319 You want somebody who does Pilates every day, 231 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:35,800 you pipe. 232 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:38,719 My body isn't good enough for you. 233 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:40,119 Like, I'm never going to be, like, 234 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,319 "Oh, please still love me." 235 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,759 That's not what I'm here for. 236 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:44,519 Well done. Good for you, girl. 237 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,039 Amen. 238 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,759 "I'm not at the gym like a little bunny 239 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:48,799 "or a little hamster 240 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:51,799 "or a little hamster going round in a wheel. 241 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:55,119 "I'm saving fucking lives, you tosser." 242 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:57,839 ♪ Walking tightropes. ♪ 243 00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,679 Go on, girl. Go see your mates, 244 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:03,519 down bottles of prosecco, screech to Westlife 245 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:04,920 and call him a bastard. 246 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:08,679 In Blackpool... 247 00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:10,239 Guess what I made this week? 248 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:13,519 I don't know. Banana bread with chocolate chips in. 249 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:16,119 Oh, yeah? Well, nice. 250 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:17,959 ...Pete and his little sister, Sophie. 251 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,279 What's come over you? Why have you decided to do that? 252 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:22,199 Just woke up and I thought, 253 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:23,599 "I'm making a banana bread today." 254 00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:25,439 Got all the ingredients delivered. 255 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:26,879 Knocked the shit out of it. 256 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:28,759 Me and Ben tried it. It were lovely. 257 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,159 This is what I love about your life. 258 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:31,639 Completely different to mine, 259 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:33,279 pace wise. 260 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:36,119 Yeah. I've woken up and I'm making banana bread. 261 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,039 You're constantly firefighting. 262 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:39,720 I'm getting a load of shit at work. 263 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:43,360 You... "I'm gonna make banana bread today." 264 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:49,239 On Saturday night, more show-offs were giving it their all on ITV. 265 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:51,519 No quicker do I leave my seat, 266 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:54,479 he's in straight away. 267 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:56,999 Your talent could be making me cocktails 268 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,359 because I feel like you've really upped your game on them. 269 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,840 I'm gonna leave out the glazed cherries next time. 270 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,439 Do you remember the time when we were rehearsing 271 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,160 for the local talent show? 272 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:13,159 We done rehearsing for about two hours, and then... 273 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:14,799 Then realised we're shit. Yeah. 274 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:15,880 None of us could sing. 275 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:21,359 SCREECHING 276 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:22,839 I'm scared. 277 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:26,119 Oh, no, it's gonna be some scary shit. I'm not in the mood. 278 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:28,880 I love it when they do all the dark, weird, eerie stuff. 279 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,200 GASPS 280 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,639 Oh, no. 281 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:37,880 Oh, chains, Teresa. Chains. 282 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,799 What in the S&M is going on here? 283 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,119 He's got a ring, there, around his neck. 284 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:49,079 It's not dominatrix, is it? 285 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:50,559 Jesus Christ. 286 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:53,319 No, you can't have sex on here, you dick. 287 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,640 ♪ Here we are now... ♪ 288 00:10:57,880 --> 00:10:59,399 What's he got there, a weight? 289 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,640 Oh. Where's that going? 290 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:04,399 In his ear! 291 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:06,279 Oh, my God. Oh, no. 292 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:08,560 No, no, no. I don't know if I can watch this. 293 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:12,719 SCREAMING 294 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:16,279 Oh, no, no. 295 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:19,039 Eurgh. Oh, look, and his ears have stretched. 296 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:21,759 GASPS 297 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:21,799 Oh, no. This isn't entertainment. 298 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,319 Oh, no. This isn't entertainment. This isn't. 299 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,639 It's not entertaining me. Is it you? 300 00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:27,879 Oh, I feel sick. 301 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:29,359 I suppose it's original. 302 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,600 I haven't seen that before. 303 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:34,639 "Original"? Yeah. 304 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:36,880 GASPS 305 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:38,959 No! 306 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,999 SCREAMING 307 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,319 Nice! On the nips! Oh, no, it's on the nips. 308 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:44,999 Can't stand it on the nips. 309 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:48,080 SCREAMING 310 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:51,640 I can't! Eurgh! 311 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:55,479 Izzi, no. I can't cope with this now. 312 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:57,000 Tell me when it stops. 313 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:00,919 That is wild, that. 314 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:04,919 Imagine that, you're just... Wahey! Wahey! 315 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:06,719 This is all a bit weird for Britain's Got Talent. 316 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:08,279 I'm sorry, this is on the wrong bloody channel. 317 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:09,639 This needs to be on after watershed. 318 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:11,959 CHEERING 319 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,279 But he still has one more appendage, Nutty, 320 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,039 that he could hang things from. 321 00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:18,559 No, he wouldn't be allowed to do that on a family show. 322 00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:21,919 DRAMATIC MUSIC 323 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:25,359 What's going on here? No, not more! We're still going again? No more! 324 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,919 HEARTBEAT THUDS 325 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:30,759 Ooh! Oh, it's both of them at the same time! 326 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,399 Ears AND nipples?! 327 00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,000 Oh, God! 328 00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,479 Go. "Go"? Go where? 329 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:38,519 Where's he going? 330 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:41,839 DRAMATIC MUSIC AND CHEERING 331 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,879 Is it her weight? Is he going to have her weight? Yes, yes, yes. 332 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:49,200 Oh, I can't. Oh, my God. Oh, don't! No, no, no! 333 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,399 ARRRRRRRRGH! 334 00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:56,720 Oh, I can't watch, Izzi! What if they just tear off? 335 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:00,799 I love how she's giving it all that. 336 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,199 I love how she's giving it all that. Yeah! 337 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:06,360 We're not looking at you, love. We're looking at his nips! 338 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,799 Is that it? Thank God for that. 339 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,999 You can't un-see that, can you? No. You really can't. 340 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:18,000 Do we clap? 341 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,319 In Hull... 342 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:31,399 Hey, Jenny. Do you know, this morning, I went out shopping? Yeah. 343 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,799 Someone opened the door for me. I went, "Oh, thank you very much." 344 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,599 Didn't say a thank you - nothing. No? 345 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,999 They just didn't say a word to me or nowt. 346 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:41,039 ...nest friends Jenny and Lee. 347 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,959 And then I gave this woman the trolley as I was going out. 348 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,319 Yeah? 349 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,359 You know, I said, "Oh, you can have mine." 350 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,239 She just took the trolley and went off. 351 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:53,639 She didn't say nothing to me at all. She didn't "Thank you" or nothing. 352 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:56,440 No, no. Just like you did when I gave you your cup of tea. 353 00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:00,199 You never said thank you! 354 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:01,599 DRAMATIC MUSIC 355 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:02,919 On Monday night, 356 00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:07,319 Jonathan Ross had a daring new show up his sleeve on Channel 4. 357 00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:09,959 How would you like to be handcuffed to me, Mary? 358 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,959 Well, I effectively am handcuffed to you. 359 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,479 You're never more than a few yards away. Mm. 360 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:16,719 Have you ever been handcuffed? 361 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,839 And I don't mean by police, because we all have. 362 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:21,040 No, we haven't! 363 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:25,599 Could you survive being handcuffed to a total stranger? 364 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,679 No. Absolutely not. Not a chance. 365 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:27,719 18 people have agreed 366 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:31,279 18 people have agreed to do just that. 367 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:33,039 For a big guy, I'm getting a little nervous. 368 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,399 Oh, I've seen him on summat before, him. 369 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,199 From a posh baronet with a former prison officer... 370 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:41,319 Well, I think it's a bit chalk and cheese. I don't know what you think. 371 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:44,559 This is so they're total opposites, innit? Well, yeah. 372 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:46,999 ...to a self-confessed prude with a porn star. 373 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,959 This gets even better! 374 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,520 Oh, he's a porn star. Oh... Is that where you...?! 375 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:55,079 Is that where...? You said, "Where have I seen him before?" 376 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:56,559 Oh, no! 377 00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,879 The last pair standing... 378 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:01,199 Come on. We don't do that around here. 379 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:04,439 ...will win £100,000. 380 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:08,839 Oh! Oh, my goodness. There's a huge incentive. A huge incentive, yeah. 381 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:10,799 I don't think there's anything that I wouldn't tolerate 382 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,360 for that kind of money. 383 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,639 HANDCUFFS CLICK 384 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:16,719 Oh, it must awful. 385 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,039 They're going to have a life of hell with each other, aren't they? 386 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:20,199 Aren't they just? 387 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,039 In the programme, we saw prison officer George 388 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,999 paired with Baronet Sir Benjamin Slade, 389 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,519 who was taking him on a tour of his gaff. 390 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,839 So when was this house first built? 391 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:35,239 The room we were in was there in 878. 878?! Yeah. 392 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:36,439 That's fucking Alfred the Great, innit? 393 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:38,959 So he's switched on, then, George. 394 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:42,839 MIMICKING: "Fuckin' 878?! Fuckin' Alfred the Great!" 395 00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:45,199 He knows his history, doesn't he, Mary? 396 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:48,799 That was a painting done by a famous artist. 397 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:50,160 A German chappie. 398 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,279 Adolf Hitler?! 399 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,279 JANE GASPS Hitler?! 400 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,119 Hitler! Huh? Huh? 401 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:57,759 "A German chappie"?! 402 00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:00,079 HE LAUGHS 403 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,719 I wouldn't want his painting in my house, 404 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:06,439 cos of what he did to humanity. That is a horror of a human being. 405 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,279 Tell him, George! Tell him again! 406 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:09,439 It's pretty dark, 407 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:13,039 that somebody would want a work by Hitler in their house, isn't it? 408 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,799 It's very typical of the upper classes, Mary. 409 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,199 They love to provoke. 410 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:20,439 SIR BEN: Oh, no, no, no! Nigel, come here. Nigel! 411 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:22,759 LAUGHING: Nigel the dog. 412 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,919 Please tell me he's not named after Farage. Yes, he's Nigel. 413 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:26,999 You're lying! 414 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,079 Oh, my God! Nigel Farage? 415 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:31,599 The other one's Boris Johnson. 416 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:33,840 God! Nigel and Boris. 417 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:35,879 Where's Margaret Thatcher? 418 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:37,719 She's got to be knocking around somewhere, hasn't she? 419 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,439 Kwasi, come here. Kwasi! 420 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:41,639 Kwasi's a good dog. 421 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:43,959 Kwasi? Kwasi! THEY LAUGH 422 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:44,839 Kwasi! 423 00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:47,319 What, Kwasi...? Bloody Kwasi Kwarteng! Kwasi Kwarteng. 424 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,519 Well, the dog's black, innit? Huh? 425 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,879 What's wrong? The dog's black, huh? 426 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:55,240 GEORGE: These lovely, politically incorrect statues. 427 00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:01,159 These are racist statues, aren't they? They're racist. 428 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:02,439 These people were princes. 429 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:05,759 Oh, hold on. They're black African slaves? 430 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:07,279 They look like they're in servitude. 431 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:08,759 How do you know they're black slaves? 432 00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:11,239 Wel, look - they've got loincloths on, in submission. 433 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:12,999 HE CHUCKLES Thank you! 434 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,319 What you mean, they're in submission? 435 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,679 Of course they're in submission. Do you know why they're like that? 436 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:16,719 They've got their hands up. 437 00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:18,599 They've got their hands up. "Please... Please help me." No. 438 00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:20,959 Nothing to do with that. It's cos a glass table goes on top. 439 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:22,480 THEY LAUGH Oh, my days. 440 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:27,359 You're missing the fucking point here, Ben, lad. 441 00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:28,799 CRAIG: A bit later, 442 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:33,199 Sir Ben invited some of his mates round for a dinner party. 443 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:35,880 INCOMPREHENSIBLY POSH: 444 00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,079 Oh, what's that? 445 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,799 Christ. God. He hasn't just got a plumb in his mouth - 446 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,479 he's got one up his arse and all! 447 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,560 He's like a Harry Enfield character! He's like a character, yes. 448 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:49,960 Oh, here we go. 449 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:57,919 Oh, my God! 450 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:00,200 I'm just embarrassed to be watching this. 451 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:04,159 Oh? In the same way it was exciting 452 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:07,080 to vote for Mussolini and Hitler and Trump. 453 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,759 Oh, his listing all the fucking dictators now. Yeah. 454 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:11,759 Come on, come on, come on. 455 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,159 You see, the fact is, he'll have the facts. 456 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,239 This is also what I love, 457 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:15,999 he's way more educated than any of them at the table. 458 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,959 Yeah, yeah, yeah, he has way, way more general knowledge. 459 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,319 And none of them think that as well. Yeah. 460 00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:23,320 JONATHAN: With dinner over, Sir Ben is far from satisfied. 461 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:27,879 BEN: Why would you do that?! GEORGE: Don't talk down to me. 462 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:30,879 Oh, my God. They're bickering now, them two. 463 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:33,199 Sir Ben's raging at George here. 464 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,159 They have gone for a powwow in the garage. 465 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:36,879 I want my phone. 466 00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:38,159 Them's the rules. 467 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:39,759 He's not allowed his phone, is he? No. 468 00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:42,239 Are you going to get it or not? 469 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:43,919 Get my phone. SHE GASPS 470 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:45,479 Oh, he's so rude! 471 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:47,799 Ben is not used to people saying no to him. No. 472 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,119 They think they can fucking tell me 473 00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:51,479 what to do fucking do in my own fucking house! 474 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:53,799 I'll fucking tell them. They don't fuck with me. 475 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:54,719 Oh, he's pissed off now. 476 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:57,399 Oh, potty mouth, in't he? It's all coming out now! 477 00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,039 Don't it sound good when it's posh? 478 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,999 POSH VOICE: "Fucking, fucking, fucking! 479 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,240 "Fucking doing in my fucking house!" 480 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:07,519 GEORGE: I've got no choice. 481 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:09,319 He's going to go and decuff. 482 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:11,879 HANDCUFFS CLICK AND DROP 483 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:13,759 You're fucking told. Right. 484 00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:15,559 I don't want to be part of all this codswallop. 485 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:18,759 What? What? He's cut it? That's it? He's cut it. He cut it. No way! 486 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:20,119 So... Oh! 487 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,759 100 grand down the pan. Done. 488 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:23,999 George'll be fuming. 489 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,319 He could have put up with his bollocks for 100 grand. 490 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:27,520 George could have done it. 491 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:31,279 In Caerphilly... 492 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:35,039 What did you think of that meal in the week? Well, I don't know. 493 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:38,999 Well, my bloody burger was like cardboard. I'm no lover of burgers. 494 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,399 ...Dave and his wife, Shirley. 495 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:45,399 Oh, I did like the dessert. Creme caramel. No... 496 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,959 You came unstuck there. You thought you were going to have... 497 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,599 "Creme blulay". Brulee. 498 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:54,159 Is it not "blulay"? Brulee. Yeah. Creme brulee. Yeah. 499 00:19:54,160 --> 00:20:00,199 No, well, I said to her, "Are the three mini desserts on the offer?" 500 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:03,599 She said, "Yeah," and she comes back with one. 501 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,239 I thought, "Frigging hell..." 502 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:08,359 You had a shock then,, didn't you? "..are you on something, love?" 503 00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:10,679 When I came back from the toilets, you were like that - 504 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:12,999 "I'm having the three mini ones." 505 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:16,559 When they came up and put that in front of you, you were like that - 506 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:18,519 "What, that's it, is it?" Yeah. 507 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,879 On Monday night, there was something puzzling 508 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:23,519 about Jeremy Vine on Channel 5. 509 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,879 We always watch these quiz shows, Ronnie. 510 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,839 I know, but we're... BOTH: ..bloody useless! 511 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,199 Doesn't take a lot to puzzle you, does it? 512 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,559 No, darling, it doesn't take a lot to puzzle me. 513 00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:35,600 And, as I get older, it gets easier and easier. By the day. 514 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:39,520 I like, er... 515 00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:44,960 Scribble? No. 516 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:48,559 Noughts and crosses. 517 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:52,239 It's time to make some serious shapes as we take on Shapeshifters. 518 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:53,879 APPLAUSE 519 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:54,999 Oh, heavens. 520 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,799 Oh, let's cut some shapes. 521 00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:59,919 The shape on the right-hand side is what's on the board, 522 00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:02,279 and you've just got to be clever enough 523 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:04,800 to transfer that shape onto that board. Yes. 524 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:09,559 Remember the song? Yeah. 525 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,120 ♪ D-I-S-C-O.# Right. 526 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:17,639 Desirable, irresistible and super sexy? 527 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:19,999 CONTESTANT: Oh, it's desirable, irresistible, super sexy. 528 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:23,079 He definitely says super sexy in D-I-S-C-O. 529 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,479 So it's irresistible, desirable. 530 00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:28,759 Let's have a look. Desirable, irresistible or super sexy? 531 00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:31,160 Yeah! Yes! Julie, I got that one! 532 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,399 Oh, blooming heck. Wonderful. 533 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,679 Fanny Barks. What?! 534 00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:39,679 Christ. Cockup and Itchy Bottom? 535 00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:39,719 Well, aye, they're red herrings, 536 00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:41,679 Well, aye, they're red herrings, in't they, a lot of them? 537 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,119 Oh, are they? Oh, right. 538 00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:46,199 It's a kind of reverse L. Look at that, on a corner. 539 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:47,280 Wetwang! 540 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:56,519 Lower Swell as a place! Lower Swell is definitely a place. 541 00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:59,919 Where did you see Lower Swell? Top left. Top left. Below Bulge. 542 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,279 Lower Swell is definitely a place. Great Cockup. 543 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,639 I think Wetwang might also be one as well. 544 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:07,359 Did I say Wetwang? You've gone for Wetwang... 545 00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:09,839 Great Cockup and Lower Swell. ...Great Cockup and Lower Swell. 546 00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:14,239 I've gone for Fanny Barks, Magnum Sheath and Pratt's Bottom. 547 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,759 Fanny Barks, then. Fanny Barks, Magnum Sheath and Pratt's Bottom . 548 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,159 Oh! Oh. 549 00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:19,799 No! No! 550 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:21,519 Let's see if that's right. 551 00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:23,199 So I could be right by here. 552 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:25,159 I'm going Wetwang. Are you doing...? 553 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,479 Wetwang, Great Cockup, Lower Swell. Yeah. 554 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:28,479 Now, then. 555 00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:29,879 BOTH: Now, then. 556 00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:32,639 Wetwang, Great Cockup and Lower Swell. 557 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:34,880 Yes! Wait. You don't know yet. 558 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:37,159 Let's see if that's right. 559 00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:38,720 I'm right. Am I right? 560 00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:42,799 Well done, Lee. Oh, I'm good at this. God. 561 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,799 I want to be Lord of Wetwang. 562 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:49,320 I'm surprised those place names haven't been cancelled by... 563 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,999 People might be triggered by it. ...young people feeling triggered. 564 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,279 APPLAUSE 565 00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:57,479 Join The Dots. 566 00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:59,799 Here, you can do this one, Julie. Join The Dots. 567 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:01,000 Here we go. 568 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:03,519 One word. 569 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:04,719 Here come the lines. 570 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:05,959 Palmolive. 571 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:07,919 Radox. 572 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:08,960 That was a guess. 573 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,199 What, body soap? Is it a soap opera? Or... Or... Yeah. 574 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:16,399 Crossroads! Coronation Street. No, it's one word. 575 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:17,439 CONTESTANT BUZZES IN 576 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:18,839 Oh, what is it? 577 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:20,239 Crossroads! 578 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:22,239 Crossroads. 579 00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:24,600 Crossroads! Do you remember Crossroads? I do. 580 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:28,000 No way! 581 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:30,879 Oh, soap! 582 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:35,239 I'm there thinking soap, fucking like actual bar of soap. 583 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:36,479 Crossroads. 584 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:40,280 I'm thinking like Imperial Leather, Dove. Yeah. 585 00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:44,000 Like Dwayne the Rock, or what? 586 00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:48,999 That's a G-I-P... 587 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,039 What...? What...? 588 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:52,040 Gipp? 589 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:54,879 The Rock. One word. 590 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:55,959 Gibraltar? 591 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:58,200 Gibraltar?! Gibr...? 592 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:02,399 Oh! Oh! 593 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,319 What do you mean?! Oh, my days! 594 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,199 American singer. Oh, gosh. 595 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,799 Could be anyone. Two words. 596 00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:12,119 Uh, Diana Ross. What? 597 00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,039 Is that...? Bon Jovi? No. 598 00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:15,360 It's B. 599 00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:19,399 B-B-Brian. 600 00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:22,559 Brian. F... M... Bri... Bru... 601 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:24,479 B-B-B-B-B... 602 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:25,799 Oh! Britney Spears! 603 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:26,920 No. No. No. 604 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,519 Benson, what's his name...! Benson Boone! Boone! 605 00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:32,799 Yeah! Benson Boone! 606 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:34,519 Benson Boone. 607 00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:38,279 Benson Boone, he says - is that right? 608 00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:39,719 Difficult, that one. 609 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,679 See, I don't know... I don't know who Benson Boone is. 610 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:41,719 I've never heard of... 611 00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:44,239 I've never heard of... Do you know who Benson Boone is? 612 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:47,000 No. I've no idea. Who is he?! 613 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:57,079 In Bristol... 614 00:24:57,080 --> 00:24:58,559 Trem, I left this little bit for you. 615 00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:01,119 Thank you. I respect that. You... 616 00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:03,439 But I would have left you more. 617 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:04,999 Listen... I would have left you at least a cupful. 618 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:07,359 Well, I'm saying, you know, I know what Trem's like. 619 00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:09,959 Trem just only wants like a quarter or a half a cup. 620 00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:12,959 ...brothers Tremaine, Twaine and Tristan. 621 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,479 Truth be told, that's perfect for me. 622 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,959 Thank you. Yeah. You might just want a little... 623 00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:20,559 Just a taste. Yeah. What would the word be, like a planet...? 624 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:23,079 Uh, planet? Palate. Palate cleanser. That's it. 625 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:24,920 Yeah. Planet! Not a planet cleanser. 626 00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:28,719 Palate cleanser - that's the one. I couldn't get my words out. 627 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:31,239 But, yeah, you might want to cleanse your palate with that. 628 00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:32,920 All right, Vladimir Putin. 629 00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:37,879 On Friday, ITV was full of surprises. 630 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:40,239 I managed to get hold of these daffodils, 631 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:42,799 Mary, which were lying horizontal on the ground 632 00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:45,319 because they'd been dashed down by the winter rain. 633 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:48,399 And now it's spring. How beautiful. 634 00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:50,199 How come you didn't want a tea? 635 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:52,719 Ellie, I've had about three coffees - I'm absolutely off me tits. 636 00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:55,440 Worst thing I did were buy that bean-to-coffee machine. 637 00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:01,919 ♪ Sex bomb, sex bomb You're my sex bomb... ♪ 638 00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:03,639 What the fucking hell's that? 639 00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:06,919 ♪ You can give it to me when I need to come along... ♪ 640 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:08,399 It's a robot. 641 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,039 Would it be a good wingman for you, Jake? 642 00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:11,719 No. He'd just embarrass me and show me up. 643 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,439 ♪ Baby, you can turn me on... ♪ 644 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:16,439 University of 'uddersfield. 645 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:17,559 Lovely. 646 00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:19,479 Come on, University of Huddersfield! Huddersfield! Come on! 647 00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:20,879 Come on! Hey, that's us! 648 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:24,199 Hello, everyone, and welcome to Friday's This Morning. 649 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:25,679 I am Harold the robot. 650 00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:28,119 Oh, don't tell me they've got a robot doing This Morning now. 651 00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:30,920 Oh, well, might be more interesting. 652 00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:35,719 And I am delighted to be in the studio with Alison and Dermot today. 653 00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:37,679 Oh, no, it's over. 654 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:40,239 Oh, he's small, isn't he, Harold the robot? 655 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:42,639 Harold the robot's very small. 656 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:43,959 Childlike. 657 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:46,319 Our next guest, Professor John Murray, 658 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:48,319 says that pretty soon robots will be able to make a cup of tea, 659 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,679 clean our homes and make life a little bit easier. 660 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:52,079 Yeah, how soon? Yeah. 661 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:54,439 And the great thing is, you wouldn't have to make a cuppa for them. 662 00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:57,479 No, you wouldn't. You don't have to feed them! No! 663 00:26:57,480 --> 00:26:59,279 So Harold's a commercial product 664 00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:01,959 that we got at the university about six months ago, 665 00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:04,279 and we've been using it for research in assisted living. 666 00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:05,759 Assisted living - this is you. 667 00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:08,119 Your mum struggles to use an iPhone never mind bloody... 668 00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:11,959 I know, exactly. You've got no chance of her controlling a Harold. 669 00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:14,839 So, theoretically, anyone could buy a version of Harold. Yes. 670 00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:17,399 But then you take it into the workshop or the lab and then tinker 671 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,839 with it and see what you can do with it, right? That's it, yeah. 672 00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:21,839 How much are they? 673 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:22,920 Oh. 674 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:26,519 Do you think they're...? No, you can't afford one. 675 00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:27,959 I can tell you that right now. 676 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,279 He can do martial arts as well... He can. Can we see that? 677 00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:31,559 We can. 678 00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:33,279 Martial arts? Chop, chop. 679 00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:34,959 I suppose, if it could do martial arts, 680 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:37,279 it'd be good if you had an intruder come into your home. 681 00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:38,639 Just set the robot onto him. 682 00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:40,599 What's martial arts? 683 00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:40,639 So I'll just put him on. 684 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:42,599 So I'll just put him on. Here we go. 685 00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:43,959 Connecting Bluetooth. 686 00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:46,639 That's always the way, isn't it? Never work with... 687 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:47,799 AAA. 688 00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:48,920 Oh, no! 689 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:53,439 It just... It just flopped. 690 00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:56,479 Its legs have buckled. Was that martial arts? 691 00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:58,439 John, is he OK? He's totally fine. 692 00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:01,239 So it's a controller error... Does he need any water? 693 00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:02,639 ...I think is part of the problem. 694 00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:04,639 I know this would drive me mad. I think I've changed my mind - 695 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:05,920 I don't want a robot. 696 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:09,279 Oh, it's very capoeira. Oh, yeah. 697 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:10,959 I love that they've spent all their 698 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:13,760 time teaching Harold martial arts and dancing. 699 00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:19,199 It's like, "Guys, can we stick to the plan? 700 00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:21,239 "Assisted living, care in the home." 701 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:23,799 Oh, yes. Whoa! 702 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:26,599 Oh, my God! Oh, roundhouse kick. 703 00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:26,639 But, I mean, 704 00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:28,959 But, I mean, that's not actually helping anyone. 705 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:32,639 No. I'd rather see him whip up a curry than do martial arts. 706 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:34,639 Why do you like helping people, Harold? 707 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:38,519 I love helping people. It makes me feel incredibly happy. 708 00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:40,359 Oh, my God, that's creepy. 709 00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:42,679 One day, I hope me and my siblings can 710 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:44,719 live in homes across the UK to help 711 00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:47,359 make life easier for those who need it. 712 00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:49,079 Your siblings?! 713 00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:50,319 There's more of you?! 714 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:53,599 Oh, he's already interbreeding, then, isn't he? No. 715 00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:55,279 That's his brothers and sisters. 716 00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:58,439 I know. But... someone's breeding them. 717 00:28:58,440 --> 00:29:00,439 What's the timeframe, do you think? Like what...? 718 00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:01,959 Like in ten, 15 years, 719 00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:05,359 could you could people have like an automated helper? 720 00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:06,799 So I hope it would be around that. 721 00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:08,839 When you two get old... That's a long time. 722 00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:11,199 That's a long, long time. ..I don't need to bother looking after you. 723 00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:13,839 I'm just going to buy one of these. That's a long time, Chee. 724 00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:16,439 Shove it in the house, get you one of those. 725 00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:18,920 It's that or a care home - pick. 726 00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:23,399 In the Cotswolds... 727 00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:25,759 Darling, I've got something quite funny to tell you. 728 00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:28,919 What? I was walking down the high street yesterday. 729 00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:33,319 Yeah. And, um, something you've gifted to someone... 730 00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:37,679 What? ..locally is in a charity shop. Don't be ridiculous. What? 731 00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:39,599 It's a... It's a... It's a jacket! 732 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:41,319 That jacket? That you actually made. 733 00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:44,039 ...Andrew and his husband Alfie. 734 00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:46,799 Somebody's taken a present we've given them 735 00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:48,519 and taken it to the charity shop?! 736 00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:51,199 It's in the charity shop, in the window! 737 00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:53,079 Was it? The "eyes on you" one? 738 00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:55,559 Yeah. Yeah, which is really obvious. 739 00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:57,359 Yeah. Oh, my God. 740 00:29:57,360 --> 00:29:59,639 How ungrateful are people? 741 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:01,959 Oh, how the mighty have fallen. 742 00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:03,839 Well, they never sold very many anyway. 743 00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:06,279 Yeah, we weren't mighty to begin with, to be fair. 744 00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:09,399 Wasn't exactly a bestseller, was it? 745 00:30:09,400 --> 00:30:10,959 On Saturday, 746 00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:14,959 there was only one story dominating the headlines on ITV. 747 00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:18,439 You can make the next cuppa. Oh, thank you, I will. 748 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:21,639 It's the beginning of meteorological spring, Mary. 749 00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:24,479 I know, but the time's going so fast, 750 00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:26,959 we may as well dig ourselves graves and get into them. 751 00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:28,600 No, Mary. 752 00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:33,999 This is ITV news with Romilly Weeks. 753 00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,399 Romilly Weeks, Mary! 754 00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:37,959 Look at her. Isn't she charming? 755 00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:40,959 Good afternoon. Iran has retaliated today 756 00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:43,719 with multiple missile strikes across the Middle East... 757 00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:44,839 Oh, God. 758 00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:47,159 This is scary, isn't it? 759 00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:49,559 They're lashing out at American bases 760 00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:51,919 in the Middle East, as they said they would, Mary. 761 00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:54,239 Oh, I see, the American bases. Yes. 762 00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:58,119 ...after the US and Israel launched a major attack on the country. 763 00:30:58,120 --> 00:31:02,799 I thought Iran had been neutralised by Trump a few months ago. 764 00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:05,159 So Trump would hope you'd think that, Mary. 765 00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:07,759 The Pentagon named it Operation Epic Fury. 766 00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:10,039 Epic Fury?! Oh, honest to God. 767 00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:11,959 Who does he think he is, a boxer? 768 00:31:11,960 --> 00:31:14,399 With Donald Trump pledging to obliterate 769 00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:17,199 Iran's missiles and annihilate its Navy. 770 00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:18,559 Oh, dear. 771 00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:21,279 Well, that's going to calm things down nicely, isn't it? Yeah. 772 00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:23,959 Old Donald's opened up a can of worms here. 773 00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:26,559 I don't think he always thinks through things properly, does he? 774 00:31:26,560 --> 00:31:31,479 Qatar, Bahrain and Saudi Arabia were all hit in the Iranian response. 775 00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:34,719 And there's been an explosion at the Palm Hotel in Dubai. 776 00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:35,999 THEY GASP 777 00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:37,879 Lucy Stevens is supposed to be 778 00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:40,199 moving there, isn't she? Yes, she is. 779 00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:41,799 I wonder if she'll still go. 780 00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:44,159 You're not safe anywhere, Lee, are you? Wow. 781 00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:46,479 Have you checked on Steve? No, I haven't, actually. 782 00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:48,079 Well, you'll need to check on him. 783 00:31:48,080 --> 00:31:50,719 I know, but he's in Cyprus. They'll be a bit safe there, won't they? 784 00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:55,119 REPORTER: This is an air assault by the United States and Israel, 785 00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:57,599 with the overt aim of regime change in Iran. 786 00:31:57,600 --> 00:31:58,959 A sense of deja vu, 787 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:01,959 when I hear that word regime change, Nutty 788 00:32:01,960 --> 00:32:06,359 It reminds me of WMD, David Kelly, the dodgy dossiers. 789 00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:09,359 The United States military began 790 00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:12,959 major combat operations in Iran. 791 00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:14,759 What has he got that on his head for?! 792 00:32:14,760 --> 00:32:17,119 Why would he do it now? Well, he needs to do it now, Nutty, 793 00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:19,599 because of his poll ratings going very badly. 794 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:19,639 Partly, I feel like this is 795 00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:21,199 Partly, I feel like this is because Trump wants 796 00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:25,959 to get people off the Epstein files and, like, look at this! War! 797 00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:29,959 Our objective is to defend the American people by eliminating 798 00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:33,319 imminent threats from the Iranian regime. 799 00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:36,279 What is the imminent threat from the Iranian regime? 800 00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:38,279 This is the first time hearing about it. Hmm. 801 00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:41,039 They must know something that we don't. 802 00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:46,039 A vicious group of very hard, terrible people. 803 00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:48,399 Yeah, but you can't have them all with the same brush. 804 00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:50,759 I'm sure there's some very nice people as well. 805 00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:53,119 I think he's on about the leadership regime, 806 00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:55,679 not everybody. Not people that are just like in a shop. 807 00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:57,999 For many years you have asked for America's help, 808 00:32:58,000 --> 00:32:59,919 but you never got it. 809 00:32:59,920 --> 00:33:03,359 No president was willing to do what I am willing to do tonight. 810 00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:07,759 Well, there's a reason why past presidents haven't done this before. 811 00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:10,479 It is a big threat to the worldwide peace, Iran. 812 00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:12,839 So I reckon if they do get the regime out of the way 813 00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:14,599 and make nice peace there, a lot better for everyone. 814 00:33:14,600 --> 00:33:14,639 Now is the time to seize control 815 00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:17,399 Now is the time to seize control of your destiny 816 00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:21,399 and to unleash the prosperous and glorious future 817 00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:23,719 that is close within your reach. 818 00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:26,079 So the unarmed civilian population of Iran, 819 00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:27,799 please rise up against the really well-armed, 820 00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:30,119 bloodthirsty leaders of Iran. 821 00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:32,639 Who killed thousands of people a few months ago 822 00:33:32,640 --> 00:33:34,119 who tried to protest. Yeah. 823 00:33:34,120 --> 00:33:36,959 Our forces are active 824 00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:40,719 and British planes are in the sky today... 825 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:42,399 God, it's worrying, isn't it, really? 826 00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:47,639 ...as part of coordinated regional defensive operations. 827 00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:49,599 Well, you're saying that for now. 828 00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:49,639 So in layman's terms, 829 00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:51,639 So in layman's terms, the dog's still on the lead, 830 00:33:51,640 --> 00:33:53,999 but it's foaming at the mouth, ready to go. 831 00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:56,919 This has the potential to come back and sting us 832 00:33:56,920 --> 00:33:59,359 in the Vale of Pewsey. 833 00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:02,399 If they've closed the Straits of Hormuz. 834 00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:05,399 Look... PRONOUNCES WITH "TH": Hormuz. 835 00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:07,119 And that means petrol prices will go up. 836 00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:11,559 Next week, we'll all be buying, bulk buying again. 837 00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:14,919 I can't cos I ain't got many cupboards in our house. 838 00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:16,280 I can't bulk buy. 839 00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:24,679 In Surrey... 840 00:34:24,680 --> 00:34:26,679 Back in the day, your dad 841 00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:28,359 used to have an eight-pack, Chee. 842 00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:29,879 Yeah, now it's a six. 843 00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:32,879 You went to the gym yesterday and all you did was a tour. 844 00:34:32,880 --> 00:34:35,879 No, it was a day pass. But you didn't... A day pass! 845 00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:38,239 You didn't use it. A day pass, you just walked around the gym. 846 00:34:38,240 --> 00:34:42,639 ...Sarah, her husband Andre and their daughter Chee. 847 00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:45,319 Don't worry. I'll be there tomorrow. But you were gone for two hours! 848 00:34:45,320 --> 00:34:49,119 Yeah, because I had to go to the shop to buy all the ingredients! 849 00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:51,479 What, you thought I was in the gym for two hours? 850 00:34:51,480 --> 00:34:53,839 Yes. That's what you said! You're going to the gym! 851 00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:55,279 No, I went to look at the gym. 852 00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:57,879 Yeah. Dad was thinking about food the whole time he was there. 853 00:34:57,880 --> 00:35:00,719 That's why he left to go and pick up the groceries to cook. 854 00:35:00,720 --> 00:35:03,639 I was thinking about cooking dinner. I was like... The guy said, 855 00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:05,999 "Oh, we can show you around and then you can stay." 856 00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:08,319 And I was like, "Listen, just let me walk around quickly." 857 00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:10,159 I was there for about ten minutes. 858 00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:11,640 Probably seven. 859 00:35:13,440 --> 00:35:17,119 On Thursday, another chap was off on a long-haul holiday 860 00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:20,359 and wanted to tell us all about it on Channel 5. 861 00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:22,199 India's on my bucket list, Simon. 862 00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:25,039 My bucket list too. Is it? Yeah, yeah. I've not been. 863 00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:26,439 No, nor have I. 864 00:35:26,440 --> 00:35:29,679 I feel it could be quite hard with a mobility scooter. It might be. 865 00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:34,039 Your tum would not be geared up for India. 866 00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:36,479 You see, you underestimate my IBS. 867 00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:38,879 You know, as long as it's managed correctly, 868 00:35:38,880 --> 00:35:42,359 and I took at least a hand-luggage amount of Imodium... 869 00:35:42,360 --> 00:35:46,039 10kg allowance. ..you know, I think I'd be all right. 870 00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:47,879 Welcome to India. 871 00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:49,879 Have you ever been to India before? 872 00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:52,759 I think you'd know if I'd been to India. 873 00:35:52,760 --> 00:35:55,599 In this series, I'm going on a journey. 874 00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:58,319 It's the closest I'll ever get to being in the Hells Angels. 875 00:35:58,320 --> 00:36:00,759 Mum would come into her own somewhere like this. 876 00:36:00,760 --> 00:36:03,959 Oh, yeah. Hand'd be never off the horn. Honk-honk! 877 00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:05,639 And to experience how old India is. 878 00:36:05,640 --> 00:36:07,199 Was that the Great...? 879 00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:09,199 Oh, no. I'm thinking of... The Great Wall of India. 880 00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:10,480 ...China! 881 00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:14,279 Alexander Armstrong. 882 00:36:14,280 --> 00:36:17,439 Did he stay at your house in France once? He did indeed. 883 00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:20,599 He didn't do a programme on that, that's for sure. 884 00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:22,280 THUNDER CRASHES 885 00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:26,639 Whoa, look at that. 886 00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:29,439 Monsoon where they... Oh, you don't half get the monsoon there, 887 00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:30,719 you know. Do they? Oh, aye. 888 00:36:30,720 --> 00:36:33,039 This was the day I'd planned to spend 889 00:36:33,040 --> 00:36:34,959 with the legendary dabbawallahs. 890 00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:37,399 What are dabbawallahs? These are dabbawallahs. 891 00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:40,079 Dabbawallahs, Simon. Yeah. Yeah - legendary. 892 00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:42,759 This 5,000-strong army has delivered 893 00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:46,479 home-cooked lunches nearly every day since 1890. 894 00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:48,839 Oh! Fucking hell, that's a fair old shift. 895 00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:52,039 Do you know, the other night we ordered a garlic bread and chips. 896 00:36:52,040 --> 00:36:54,599 Yeah? It took two hours to come. 897 00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:57,159 I an't joking. The bairns were starved. 898 00:36:57,160 --> 00:36:59,839 Now I'm wearing the famous dabbawallah uniform, 899 00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:01,079 I feel I was born for this. 900 00:37:01,080 --> 00:37:03,399 What's the uniform? Just a hat? Just a hat, yeah. 901 00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:05,679 You've worn your own clothes... 902 00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:07,439 With a hat on. ..and put a hat on. 903 00:37:07,440 --> 00:37:11,359 A dabba refers specifically to the metal lunchbox. 904 00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:13,119 Oh. Oh! 905 00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:15,639 Yeah, I've seen them. They look so cool. 906 00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:17,999 And a wallah is the person who carries it. 907 00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:20,959 Dabbawallah. Dabbawallah. Dabbawallah. 908 00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:22,319 The punkah wallahs used to be 909 00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:24,679 the ones with the fans, didn't they? Oh, right. 910 00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:28,039 Over 200,000 containers of home-cooked food 911 00:37:28,040 --> 00:37:30,439 are delivered across Mumbai every day. 912 00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:33,919 That's amazing. A day? Yeah. That's extraordinary. No way. 913 00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:37,279 My colleague Santosh and I are picking up Mr Kakani's lunch, 914 00:37:37,280 --> 00:37:40,839 just recently made for him by Mrs Kakani here. 915 00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:43,159 I like this idea. Yeah, good luck. 916 00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:46,599 Also, Dad, you work upstairs from home! 917 00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:49,319 And I still don't get lunch cooked for me! 918 00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:52,519 So I could say, "I'm a bit peckish," and I could phone them up and say, 919 00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:54,199 "Can you get to Jane's, my sister's, 920 00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:57,159 "get her to knock me up a quick lasagne?" 921 00:37:57,160 --> 00:37:59,440 Would you be all right with that? Yeah. 922 00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:06,439 As noon strikes, legions of dabbawallahs arrive with lunch. 923 00:38:06,440 --> 00:38:08,439 They've got some dinners. Look at them lot. 924 00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:10,319 I won't trust myself with all them lunches. 925 00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:12,839 I couldn't be a dabbawallah. You couldn't! 926 00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:15,199 I hope that lunch is worth all this. 927 00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:17,559 I don't understand why the husbands can't just 928 00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:20,199 take it to work with them in the morning. Lazy sods. 929 00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:22,679 This is one of the central sorting areas. 930 00:38:22,680 --> 00:38:25,919 Our post office can't sort like this, can they? No! 931 00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:29,479 And this is where their clever code of colours, numbers and symbols 932 00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:31,199 comes into its own. 933 00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:33,079 I'm getting a bit confused. 934 00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:34,759 You could so easily pick up a pilau 935 00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:37,119 instead of mushroom rice, couldn't you? Yes. 936 00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:39,599 I need somehow to work out where I'm going. 937 00:38:39,600 --> 00:38:42,799 Well, I guess the clue is here. I will look for Street 21. 938 00:38:42,800 --> 00:38:45,199 I'm looking for a building that begins with R. 939 00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:46,439 Oh, God. 940 00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:49,119 He's just wandering around India aimlessly. 941 00:38:49,120 --> 00:38:51,400 I feel sorry for whoever's lunch he's got. 942 00:38:56,120 --> 00:38:58,599 Well, here we are. Ramen House. 943 00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:00,319 Ah, yes. We're here. 944 00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:02,639 That is the R in the code here. 945 00:39:02,640 --> 00:39:04,439 4 - fourth floor. 946 00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:06,159 So simple as that. 947 00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:07,599 Simple as that. 'kin hell. 948 00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:09,840 Floor 4. 949 00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:12,719 Hello, Mr Kakani? 950 00:39:12,720 --> 00:39:14,320 "No, he's off today." 951 00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:18,000 KNOCKS 952 00:39:19,880 --> 00:39:21,319 Ah, Mr Kakani. 953 00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:22,399 He found him! 954 00:39:22,400 --> 00:39:24,719 Sweaty Englishman's turned up. 955 00:39:24,720 --> 00:39:28,199 There you are. Thank you. I hope it's still warm. Of course it is. 956 00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:29,919 I have my own dabbawallah. 957 00:39:29,920 --> 00:39:31,919 She's called Angela and she's me mam. 958 00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:33,599 I've just thought. 959 00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:35,319 I think what we have learnt from that 960 00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:37,679 is that what a good wife does is cook... 961 00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:40,039 I'd be very careful where you go with this now. 962 00:39:40,040 --> 00:39:43,039 So in other words, he loves his wife's cooking, 963 00:39:43,040 --> 00:39:45,359 so he's happy to eat it every day, in't he? 964 00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:46,999 Yeah, well there we are. Yeah. 965 00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:50,320 That's why I ate crisps most of my working life. 966 00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:53,919 In Blackpool... 967 00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:56,279 PETE: Do you know what I've found with Paige, right? 968 00:39:56,280 --> 00:39:59,159 Any remotest bit of stress or pressure, 969 00:39:59,160 --> 00:40:01,999 she just buckles and starts being a sausage with me. 970 00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:03,639 I just love it 971 00:40:03,640 --> 00:40:07,239 because she turns into, like, a full-on Sonia off EastEnders. 972 00:40:07,240 --> 00:40:10,359 ...Pete and his little sister Sophie. 973 00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:12,839 We had one the other day. She went... 974 00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:17,239 "We've got to leave by ten past. We've got to leave by ten past." 975 00:40:17,240 --> 00:40:20,839 And I was sat in the car... At 20 past. ..at ten past. 976 00:40:20,840 --> 00:40:22,879 I was sat in the car for ten past 977 00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:24,879 and Paige is going, "You've fucking made us late now." 978 00:40:24,880 --> 00:40:26,879 I'm like, "Funny. We're all sat in the car 979 00:40:26,880 --> 00:40:28,879 "and you've come out at 12 minutes past." 980 00:40:28,880 --> 00:40:31,879 You absolutely are the world's worst for that. 981 00:40:31,880 --> 00:40:35,079 I knew you'd have her fucking side. Whatever. 982 00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:37,399 On Thursday night, 983 00:40:37,400 --> 00:40:40,759 the brightest brains in business were back on the BBC. 984 00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:43,080 SINGS ALONG TO APPRENTICE THEME 985 00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:47,400 I wonder what disaster is gonna happen this week. 986 00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:49,400 You're fired. 987 00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:55,359 I was an apprentice for ages. I was an apprentice hairdresser, 988 00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:57,280 an apprentice business adminner... 989 00:40:58,560 --> 00:41:00,399 Oh, yeah? 990 00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:04,119 Was I...? An apprentice credit controller. 991 00:41:04,120 --> 00:41:06,879 I've been an apprentice for flippin' years, actually. 992 00:41:06,880 --> 00:41:09,679 I think I've only just come out of the apprentice stage. 993 00:41:09,680 --> 00:41:13,719 In the episode, Lord Sugar had sent everyone off to Egypt 994 00:41:13,720 --> 00:41:17,359 with the task of organising a corporate awayday. 995 00:41:17,360 --> 00:41:18,679 So I would really love to 996 00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:20,399 put myself forward for project manager for this. 997 00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:22,719 God, they must all be sweating their tits off, 998 00:41:22,720 --> 00:41:24,119 suited and booted up like that. 999 00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:27,879 I've done a lot of events in the UK. I literally had 25 events last year. 1000 00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:29,399 OK, Megan, you're sounding good. 1001 00:41:29,400 --> 00:41:30,839 So she's got experience. 1002 00:41:30,840 --> 00:41:32,839 With experience. They need to utilise that. 1003 00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:34,359 I do want to go down the luxury route 1004 00:41:34,360 --> 00:41:35,959 because they are a luxury client. 1005 00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:38,319 So I do want to mention the word luxury. 1006 00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:41,199 And I'd like to go with a mid-range for like catering, for drinks. 1007 00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:42,599 Caviar. 1008 00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:45,439 You want a bit of caviar there, on crackers. 1009 00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:49,839 Caviar on crackers! "Look at this. We got caviar on crackers. Yeah." 1010 00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:54,239 Hoping to drive through a deal with high-end car brand DS Auto... 1011 00:41:54,240 --> 00:41:57,479 DS Auto? Weren't they on Ashton Old Road in Clayton, 1012 00:41:57,480 --> 00:41:58,999 where we used to live? 1013 00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:01,359 There was a DS up there, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. 1014 00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:03,759 Doesn't look like the man we used to deal with, though. 1015 00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:08,119 So we're looking for an experience focusing on style, luxury. 1016 00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:09,119 Yeah. Yeah. 1017 00:42:09,120 --> 00:42:12,519 Style, luxury. Got it, got it. Yeah. 1018 00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:14,359 Um, now, in terms of pricing, 1019 00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:16,919 we have worked out a price of $10,000. 1020 00:42:16,920 --> 00:42:19,200 Here we go. Watch him fall off the couch. 1021 00:42:20,840 --> 00:42:23,319 THEY LAUGH Yeah... 1022 00:42:23,320 --> 00:42:25,399 "Right." 1023 00:42:25,400 --> 00:42:28,639 For $10,000, we'd expect a private jet to go and see the Pyramids. 1024 00:42:28,640 --> 00:42:31,759 Yeah! Yeah. I would and all, love. 1025 00:42:31,760 --> 00:42:35,439 I'd want Alan Sugar's fucking Rolls-Royce coming up to pick me up. 1026 00:42:35,440 --> 00:42:39,799 Unfortunately, our absolute maximum would be $3,200. 1027 00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:41,680 "Meet me in the middle. Nine grand." 1028 00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:45,919 OK. Thank you. Lovely to meet you. Thank you very much. 1029 00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:47,599 See you tomorrow. Thank you. 1030 00:42:47,600 --> 00:42:49,559 Ooh, he drives a hard bargain. 1031 00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:51,879 I can't bear to watch, actually. 1032 00:42:51,880 --> 00:42:54,359 It's gonna be a muppet show, this, innit, eh? Yeah. 1033 00:42:54,360 --> 00:42:58,359 The mid-range option here, we have the local sea bass. 1034 00:42:58,360 --> 00:43:00,359 It's one of, like, very traditional dish. 1035 00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:01,879 Yeah, that's proper. 1036 00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:04,879 Matching a menu to Megan's luxury brief... 1037 00:43:04,880 --> 00:43:08,639 Served with childhood potatoes, basically triple-fried. 1038 00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:09,679 It's a very popular dish. 1039 00:43:09,680 --> 00:43:11,399 It's chips. It's thick chips. 1040 00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:13,159 I'd want more than that. 1041 00:43:13,160 --> 00:43:15,479 What's in there? That's potato wedges, 1042 00:43:15,480 --> 00:43:17,159 that is, innit, surely? Is it? 1043 00:43:17,160 --> 00:43:19,079 Guys, I know we don't have a lot of time, 1044 00:43:19,080 --> 00:43:21,439 but I think we can get this all done with teamwork, OK? 1045 00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:24,199 Oh, they gotta cook it. Oh, wow. 1046 00:43:24,200 --> 00:43:25,959 Well, that looks half decent. 1047 00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:28,599 Hello. So we finally got your food out for you. 1048 00:43:28,600 --> 00:43:30,239 "Here's your wedges, guys. 1049 00:43:30,240 --> 00:43:32,559 "You've worked up a sweat for these. Enjoy." 1050 00:43:32,560 --> 00:43:33,799 It's potato wedges, right? 1051 00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:35,759 HE GUFFAWS 1052 00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:38,519 They're not just any old potato wedges, these, son. 1053 00:43:38,520 --> 00:43:40,199 Use your eyes. 1054 00:43:40,200 --> 00:43:42,479 Triple-cooked. 1055 00:43:42,480 --> 00:43:43,840 OK... 1056 00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:46,919 They're hard. She can't cut through it! 1057 00:43:46,920 --> 00:43:48,239 Oh. 1058 00:43:48,240 --> 00:43:49,559 It's not actually cooked. 1059 00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:52,479 Oh, no! What did they say? It's not cooked! 1060 00:43:52,480 --> 00:43:55,519 Thing is, I'd be that hungry, I'd just be eating the cooked bits. 1061 00:43:55,520 --> 00:43:56,919 It's, like, solid. 1062 00:43:56,920 --> 00:43:59,319 Oh! Oh, no, he's gonna go and complain. 1063 00:43:59,320 --> 00:44:01,679 The potatoes aren't actually cooked. 1064 00:44:01,680 --> 00:44:04,119 Oh, are they not? They're still slightly raw on the inside. 1065 00:44:04,120 --> 00:44:06,400 "It's actually called al dente, dipshit." 1066 00:44:07,680 --> 00:44:10,679 How hard is it to go wrong with a bloody wedge? 1067 00:44:10,680 --> 00:44:14,159 Potato wedge? Yeah. Come on! It's potato. 1068 00:44:14,160 --> 00:44:17,279 For Megan's team, hope's pinned on a perfect main. 1069 00:44:17,280 --> 00:44:20,719 Is that the fish? That's the sea bass, Simon. 1070 00:44:20,720 --> 00:44:23,679 Oh, it looks like it's been put together with a baseball bat. 1071 00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:25,999 It's gonna be difficult to serve that and make it look premium 1072 00:44:26,000 --> 00:44:27,439 because it's all broken apart. 1073 00:44:27,440 --> 00:44:31,119 Oh, that's terrible. "One flake or two?" 1074 00:44:31,120 --> 00:44:33,479 It's taken crisp to a different level. 1075 00:44:33,480 --> 00:44:35,439 I think that looks really good. Good save. 1076 00:44:35,440 --> 00:44:37,119 THEY LAUGH 1077 00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:40,239 I've never seen an Apprentice challenge go this bad. 1078 00:44:40,240 --> 00:44:42,160 I feel like they're going to be happy with what they got. 1079 00:44:43,640 --> 00:44:45,119 Oh, no! 1080 00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:46,319 Megan? 1081 00:44:46,320 --> 00:44:48,079 The fish is quite... Quite plain. 1082 00:44:48,080 --> 00:44:52,839 OK. Are you guys still happy to eat and enjoy the meal or...? 1083 00:44:52,840 --> 00:44:55,559 No, they're not happy, Megan. They're pissed off. 1084 00:44:55,560 --> 00:44:57,039 Look at their faces! 1085 00:44:57,040 --> 00:45:00,199 Oh, that's awful. Jenny, they haven't eaten anything. 1086 00:45:00,200 --> 00:45:02,879 Now here comes the recriminations, Nutty. 1087 00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:05,519 But it's a confederacy of dunces! 1088 00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:06,800 They're all stupid. 1089 00:45:09,560 --> 00:45:12,239 Oh, here's Alan. Here he is. Here's Alan. Here comes Alan. Big A. 1090 00:45:12,240 --> 00:45:13,799 He's gonna dish it up now, ain't he? 1091 00:45:13,800 --> 00:45:17,399 You took on this task, Megan, 1092 00:45:17,400 --> 00:45:20,639 on the basis that you are experienced 1093 00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:22,959 and have done corporate events. 1094 00:45:22,960 --> 00:45:27,319 And for that reason, I've got to tell you, Megan, you are fired. 1095 00:45:27,320 --> 00:45:29,839 Fired. Fired. Absolutely. 1096 00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:33,159 OK. Thank you, Lord Sugar. Megan, sit down. I'm not finished yet. 1097 00:45:33,160 --> 00:45:36,839 Oh! "I'm not finished yet." Spicy Lord Sugar. Let's go. 1098 00:45:36,840 --> 00:45:38,559 Is he doing a double firing? 1099 00:45:38,560 --> 00:45:41,839 Because, Carrington, I'm not satisfied with your explanations, 1100 00:45:41,840 --> 00:45:43,319 you're also fired. 1101 00:45:43,320 --> 00:45:45,839 SHE WHOOPS, HE LAUGHS 1102 00:45:45,840 --> 00:45:48,359 And you... No! 1103 00:45:48,360 --> 00:45:50,359 Is he gonna do a triple-cooked wedge? 1104 00:45:50,360 --> 00:45:53,399 I don't like people who are negative, so you're fired also. 1105 00:45:53,400 --> 00:45:55,279 Oh! Oh! Three! 1106 00:45:55,280 --> 00:45:56,559 Hattie! Hattie! 1107 00:45:56,560 --> 00:45:59,679 He's done the hattie. Is that the first time ever? 1108 00:45:59,680 --> 00:46:01,999 I don't know, darling. Hat-trick of firings! 1109 00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:04,359 You're very excited. Oh, my God. 1110 00:46:04,360 --> 00:46:06,719 You know, the producers are probably sat in the back 1111 00:46:06,720 --> 00:46:09,319 pulling their hair out. You know, "Alan's gone bloody rogue. 1112 00:46:09,320 --> 00:46:11,879 "He was only supposed to sack one, and he's got rid of three. 1113 00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:14,439 "How are we supposed to magic another two back up?" 1114 00:46:14,440 --> 00:46:16,919 "Excuse me, Alan, it was just one firing this week." 1115 00:46:16,920 --> 00:46:19,279 "Can you just pick one, Alan, please?" 1116 00:46:19,280 --> 00:46:26,919 ♪ In a perfect world 1117 00:46:26,920 --> 00:46:35,039 ♪ In a perfect world Singing 1118 00:46:35,040 --> 00:46:43,239 ♪ In a perfect world 1119 00:46:43,240 --> 00:46:48,039 ♪ In a perfect, perfect world. ♪ 1120 00:46:48,040 --> 00:46:50,520 Subtitles by Red Bee Media