This programme contains strong language
and adult humour from the start
Do you want to come and see my bed, Simon? It's new.
Oh, it's like satin, isn't it? Isn't it cute? It's very nice.
I'm just gonna have a little lay down. Is that all right?
Well, you'll be the first man on my bed. And I expect to be the last.
JANE LAUGHS Don't want to hear any more.
Oh, my God. Um... Oh, my God.
This is nice, isn't it? Is it? Yeah. Night-night.
Night-night, Jane.
♪ In a perfect world... ♪
Argh! No!
Ooh!
What an entrance. I'm living for this.
Taser him!
Ooh.
"We talk like this, also." "I don't think so."
Oh.
Oh, here we go. What is that?
Oh, Shut up! This doesn't look real.
I don't think it is.
A "framboisier"? What's a "framboisier"?
Oh, I knew it. No!
This looks dodgy, don't it? It does.
Why is it dodgy?
This is gonna go down so badly.
None of us learn, do we?
Wow. I hate you.
Must remember that, bellend.
This is what everyone came for.
The alarm bells are ringing with me, Mary.
At least her nipples are covered. Yeah, it's half the battle.
In the week the Brits Awards went to Manchester,
we enjoyed lots of great telly.
Alexander Armstrong was on the loose in India...
Extreme poverty,
spectacular wealth -
all jostle alongside each other in a full-on riot of colourful chaos.
I do feel like I'd like to explore the world a little bit more
because there's so much to see,
but I get scared of going somewhere I've not been before.
I'm very like... I like to stay at the same places.
I just think there's so much to see in Durham and Newcastle,
I'm happy where I am.
...people were getting uncomfortably close on Channel 4...
Can I just have my arm up here? Yeah.
Yeah, that's nice, isn't it? Yep.
Do you know what? I can kind of get what it's like
to be handcuffed to somebody difficult, you know?
Because every time I come around here and sit with you,
it's the same kind of vibe.
Nobody's got a gun to your head.
You're 'round my house.
You've come round.
See what I mean? Being difficult already.
...and famous faces were feeling flummoxed on Channel 5.
Pink wafer and milk chocolate digestive.
BUZZ
Oh! No!
You can steal, Matt and Sally.
It's a nice game, this, Mary.
Very relaxed.
Mm. And it doesn't have any of the stupid background noise
that the others have. Yeah.
MARY HUMS TUNE THEN VOCALISES HIGH-PITCHED SCREECH
Very good, Mary. You want to do that again?
No.
In Leeds...
Toby's text me. He said he's left me a present upstairs.
Let me go and see what it is.
Aw!
...sisters Ellie and Izzi.
Oh, he's such a wet wipe.
He's not! Why has he got you them?
I don't know if he's put a card in. What has he...? Oh. They smell nice.
What has he done? They smell lovely.
Nothing.
GASPING For frig sake!
That's what you get for gloating with your flowers.
Spilled juice on me own carpet!
This week, the love-blind hopefuls of Netflix
had stepped out of the pods
and into the next phase of the dating game.
You're just coming on to the motorway of love,
really, aren't you?
If you think about it, you know, with the getting engaged
and getting married.
You know, me and Paige have got a couple of miles under our belt
on the love motorway now.
Yeah, I'd say I'm probably off the slipway, gaining speed. Yeah.
Yeah, whereas we are...
We're cruising at 70,
you know. Holding on for dear life.
When everyone says, "What's your type?"
I mean, I don't think I have a type.
Well, I do, but I'm trying to change my type.
There's quite a lot in there.
Let's unpack that.
♪ And a groove, and a groove and a rhythm. ♪
The couples have just met about a week ago,
and now they've moved in together.
Yes.
They haven't got the ick yet.
This is where it all starts, though, Jenny,
cos they've moved out of the pods now.
Oh, right. This is it. They're face-to-face. Mm.
I'm so excited.
Let's see what she's doing. Are you ready?
Now for Jessica and Chris,
everything's been going unbelievably well
but it is the home stays, so that could change.
You don't know anybody until you've seen their living environments.
Yeah, it's just crazy, like you're here.
I know.
I can't wait to see your place, too. I know, I'm so excited.
I think you look at me like that
but normally after a few glasses of prosecco.
I don't know why he doesn't take his hat off in the house.
I know I've said this repeatedly,
but I'm so excited to come home to you.
Aww!
This is over the moon, yeah?
Mm. Ooh. Kiss me quick.
Ooh, getting kisses, too, boy!
Where's the sick bucket?
Do you know why? Because we're not used to seeing it on here.
Oh, no. This is it, you see.
I think someone's coming, though, Lee.
No, I just think it's fucking jealousy. Yeah.
JESSICA SIGHS
Hello? That was a sigh coming in, wasn't it?
Uh.
GROANING
Something's off now. Mm.
There's been a switch up in the body language.
How's your day?
It's productive. Yeah?
How so?
He just gave her t'cold shoulder.
Energy's well off, man.
Not even giving her a kiss hello!
Where'd you go last night?
Where did I go last night?
He's trying to think of where he went last night,
so what he's saying isn't actually where he was.
If you had called for two minutes and been like,
"Hey, like, I just really feel like I need to, like, see my friend
"and, like, fucking decompress and talk and I'm..."
Oh. This isn't good.
He's not thinking about you, love!
If Josh didn't call me one night, I'd have been fuming.
Mm.
I would have enjoyed the peace.
Instead of getting a text,
being like, "I'm getting a drink with a friend.
"I'm staying down here." Oh, he ditched her last night.
Yeah, Chris went out... Chris went out last night.
No phone call, nothing.
And, like, that was it.
Like, I don't need to be in constant communication.
It's not constant communication, it's just basic manners.
I sent you one text today saying that... Yeah.
...and saying that I love you,
and you didn't say anything back.
Something going on here, girl.
And he didn't say anything back!
That'd be it. If Toby did that to me
while he's in Windsor and I'm in Leeds,
I'd be straight on the M1.
Very vast difference
from being in constant communication with someone.
He wants to try going out with us.
It'd be 66 missed calls later for me.
I feel like a lot of my life, I wasn't as direct as I needed to be.
Oh, no. Oh, here we go.
Do you think we have a good physical connection?
THEY GASP
Uh... Oh.
He wants out.
You do not say something like that to a woman. Hell, no.
I do. Do you not? I feel like it's super important.
Oh, my God, he doesn't fancy her.
I'm trying to, like, pick my words carefully. Mm-hm.
Yeah. You better, you better.
And that's one thing. As a man,
you know, you've got to pick your words carefully
cos I've said some shit, you know.
Like, for me, like, just to be totally honest...
Please.
...and, like, without sounding like a fucking dickhead. Yeah.
You're going to sound like one.
So just go ahead.
He's not even giving her eye contact so we know what's coming.
Go for it. I date people who, like, fucking do,
like, fucking CrossFit and shit. M-hm.
Oh, wow. So he's basically saying
that she doesn't look like he thought she looked like,
and he's not into her.
What a wanker.
Is he blind? I wouldn't...
She's gorgeous.
Somebody who like works out all the time
and, like, has... OK. ..like, a different type of...
He's still at it.
Oh, no. You do know.
Come on, spit it out.
A different type of, like, body?
Oh! Red flag.
Knob, get rid of. Yep.
You're like five-foot-three.
Who are you to talk about her physique?
I'm sorry.
I wasn't expecting that.
Can you stand up for me so I can have a second look?
Just like somebody who...
...does fucking, like, Pilates every day,
or like someone who's, like, working out every day.
She's a doctor. She ain't got time.
This is what I mean.
She's busy, saving lives and shit. What are you doing?
He's hardly Brad Pitt himself. Brad Shit, more like.
I feel really stupid. Why?
Because you fat-shamed her, that's why.
Ya tosser.
"You're not working out every day" is even a sentence
that came up in this conversation is blowing my mind.
Oh, my gosh. It's not even what I meant by that.
That is exactly what you've just said.
You want somebody who does Pilates every day,
you pipe.
My body isn't good enough for you.
Like, I'm never going to be, like,
"Oh, please still love me."
That's not what I'm here for.
Well done. Good for you, girl.
Amen.
"I'm not at the gym like a little bunny
"or a little hamster going round in a wheel.
"I'm saving fucking lives, you tosser."
♪ Walking tightropes. ♪
Go on, girl. Go see your mates,
down bottles of prosecco, screech to Westlife
and call him a bastard.
In Blackpool...
Guess what I made this week?
I don't know. Banana bread with chocolate chips in.
Oh, yeah? Well, nice.
...Pete and his little sister, Sophie.
What's come over you? Why have you decided to do that?
Just woke up and I thought,
"I'm making a banana bread today."
Got all the ingredients delivered.
Knocked the shit out of it.
Me and Ben tried it. It were lovely.
This is what I love about your life.
Completely different to mine,
pace wise.
Yeah. I've woken up and I'm making banana bread.
You're constantly firefighting.
I'm getting a load of shit at work.
You... "I'm gonna make banana bread today."
On Saturday night, more show-offs were giving it their all on ITV.
No quicker do I leave my seat,
he's in straight away.
Your talent could be making me cocktails
because I feel like you've really upped your game on them.
I'm gonna leave out the glazed cherries next time.
Do you remember the time when we were rehearsing
for the local talent show?
We done rehearsing for about two hours, and then...
Then realised we're shit. Yeah.
None of us could sing.
SCREECHING
I'm scared.
Oh, no, it's gonna be some scary shit. I'm not in the mood.
I love it when they do all the dark, weird, eerie stuff.
GASPS
Oh, no.
Oh, chains, Teresa. Chains.
What in the S&M is going on here?
He's got a ring, there, around his neck.
It's not dominatrix, is it?
Jesus Christ.
No, you can't have sex on here, you dick.
♪ Here we are now... ♪
What's he got there, a weight?
Oh. Where's that going?
In his ear!
Oh, my God. Oh, no.
No, no, no. I don't know if I can watch this.
SCREAMING
Oh, no, no.
Eurgh. Oh, look, and his ears have stretched.
GASPS
Oh, no. This isn't entertainment. This isn't.
It's not entertaining me. Is it you?
Oh, I feel sick.
I suppose it's original.
I haven't seen that before.
"Original"? Yeah.
GASPS
No!
SCREAMING
Nice! On the nips! Oh, no, it's on the nips.
Can't stand it on the nips.
SCREAMING
I can't! Eurgh!
Izzi, no. I can't cope with this now.
Tell me when it stops.
That is wild, that.
Imagine that, you're just... Wahey! Wahey!
This is all a bit weird for Britain's Got Talent.
I'm sorry, this is on the wrong bloody channel.
This needs to be on after watershed.
CHEERING
But he still has one more appendage, Nutty,
that he could hang things from.
No, he wouldn't be allowed to do that on a family show.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
What's going on here? No, not more! We're still going again? No more!
HEARTBEAT THUDS
Ooh! Oh, it's both of them at the same time!
Ears AND nipples?!
Oh, God!
Go. "Go"? Go where?
Where's he going?
DRAMATIC MUSIC AND CHEERING
Is it her weight? Is he going to have her weight? Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, I can't. Oh, my God. Oh, don't! No, no, no!
ARRRRRRRRGH!
Oh, I can't watch, Izzi! What if they just tear off?
I love how she's giving it all that. Yeah!
We're not looking at you, love. We're looking at his nips!
Is that it? Thank God for that.
You can't un-see that, can you? No. You really can't.
Do we clap?
In Hull...
Hey, Jenny. Do you know, this morning, I went out shopping? Yeah.
Someone opened the door for me. I went, "Oh, thank you very much."
Didn't say a thank you - nothing. No?
They just didn't say a word to me or nowt.
...nest friends Jenny and Lee.
And then I gave this woman the trolley as I was going out.
Yeah?
You know, I said, "Oh, you can have mine."
She just took the trolley and went off.
She didn't say nothing to me at all. She didn't "Thank you" or nothing.
No, no. Just like you did when I gave you your cup of tea.
You never said thank you!
DRAMATIC MUSIC
On Monday night,
Jonathan Ross had a daring new show up his sleeve on Channel 4.
How would you like to be handcuffed to me, Mary?
Well, I effectively am handcuffed to you.
You're never more than a few yards away. Mm.
Have you ever been handcuffed?
And I don't mean by police, because we all have.
No, we haven't!
Could you survive being handcuffed to a total stranger?
No. Absolutely not. Not a chance.
18 people have agreed to do just that.
For a big guy, I'm getting a little nervous.
Oh, I've seen him on summat before, him.
From a posh baronet with a former prison officer...
Well, I think it's a bit chalk and cheese. I don't know what you think.
This is so they're total opposites, innit? Well, yeah.
...to a self-confessed prude with a porn star.
This gets even better!
Oh, he's a porn star. Oh... Is that where you...?!
Is that where...? You said, "Where have I seen him before?"
Oh, no!
The last pair standing...
Come on. We don't do that around here.
...will win £100,000.
Oh! Oh, my goodness. There's a huge incentive. A huge incentive, yeah.
I don't think there's anything that I wouldn't tolerate
for that kind of money.
HANDCUFFS CLICK
Oh, it must awful.
They're going to have a life of hell with each other, aren't they?
Aren't they just?
In the programme, we saw prison officer George
paired with Baronet Sir Benjamin Slade,
who was taking him on a tour of his gaff.
So when was this house first built?
The room we were in was there in 878. 878?! Yeah.
That's fucking Alfred the Great, innit?
So he's switched on, then, George.
"Fuckin' 878?! Fuckin' Alfred the Great!"
He knows his history, doesn't he, Mary?
That was a painting done by a famous artist.
A German chappie.
Adolf Hitler?!
JANE GASPS Hitler?!
Hitler! Huh? Huh?
"A German chappie"?!
HE LAUGHS
I wouldn't want his painting in my house,
cos of what he did to humanity. That is a horror of a human being.
Tell him, George! Tell him again!
It's pretty dark,
that somebody would want a work by Hitler in their house, isn't it?
It's very typical of the upper classes, Mary.
They love to provoke.
Oh, no, no, no! Nigel, come here. Nigel!
Nigel the dog.
Please tell me he's not named after Farage. Yes, he's Nigel.
You're lying!
Oh, my God! Nigel Farage?
The other one's Boris Johnson.
God! Nigel and Boris.
Where's Margaret Thatcher?
She's got to be knocking around somewhere, hasn't she?
Kwasi, come here. Kwasi!
Kwasi's a good dog.
Kwasi? Kwasi! THEY LAUGH
Kwasi!
What, Kwasi...? Bloody Kwasi Kwarteng! Kwasi Kwarteng.
Well, the dog's black, innit? Huh?
What's wrong? The dog's black, huh?
These lovely, politically incorrect statues.
These are racist statues, aren't they? They're racist.
These people were princes.
Oh, hold on. They're black African slaves?
They look like they're in servitude.
How do you know they're black slaves?
Wel, look - they've got loincloths on, in submission.
HE CHUCKLES Thank you!
What you mean, they're in submission?
Of course they're in submission. Do you know why they're like that?
They've got their hands up. "Please... Please help me." No.
Nothing to do with that. It's cos a glass table goes on top.
THEY LAUGH Oh, my days.
You're missing the fucking point here, Ben, lad.
A bit later,
Sir Ben invited some of his mates round for a dinner party.
Oh, what's that?
Christ. God. He hasn't just got a plumb in his mouth -
he's got one up his arse and all!
He's like a Harry Enfield character! He's like a character, yes.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, my God!
I'm just embarrassed to be watching this.
Oh? In the same way it was exciting
to vote for Mussolini and Hitler and Trump.
Oh, his listing all the fucking dictators now. Yeah.
Come on, come on, come on.
You see, the fact is, he'll have the facts.
This is also what I love,
he's way more educated than any of them at the table.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, he has way, way more general knowledge.
And none of them think that as well. Yeah.
With dinner over, Sir Ben is far from satisfied.
Why would you do that?! Don't talk down to me.
Oh, my God. They're bickering now, them two.
Sir Ben's raging at George here.
They have gone for a powwow in the garage.
I want my phone.
Them's the rules.
He's not allowed his phone, is he? No.
Are you going to get it or not?
Get my phone. SHE GASPS
Oh, he's so rude!
Ben is not used to people saying no to him. No.
They think they can fucking tell me
what to do fucking do in my own fucking house!
I'll fucking tell them. They don't fuck with me.
Oh, he's pissed off now.
Oh, potty mouth, in't he? It's all coming out now!
Don't it sound good when it's posh?
"Fucking, fucking, fucking!
"Fucking doing in my fucking house!"
I've got no choice.
He's going to go and decuff.
HANDCUFFS CLICK AND DROP
You're fucking told. Right.
I don't want to be part of all this codswallop.
What? What? He's cut it? That's it? He's cut it. He cut it. No way!
So... Oh!
100 grand down the pan. Done.
George'll be fuming.
He could have put up with his bollocks for 100 grand.
George could have done it.
In Caerphilly...
What did you think of that meal in the week? Well, I don't know.
Well, my bloody burger was like cardboard. I'm no lover of burgers.
...Dave and his wife, Shirley.
Oh, I did like the dessert. Creme caramel. No...
You came unstuck there. You thought you were going to have...
"Creme blulay". Brulee.
Is it not "blulay"? Brulee. Yeah. Creme brulee. Yeah.
No, well, I said to her, "Are the three mini desserts on the offer?"
She said, "Yeah," and she comes back with one.
I thought, "Frigging hell..."
You had a shock then,, didn't you? "..are you on something, love?"
When I came back from the toilets, you were like that -
"I'm having the three mini ones."
When they came up and put that in front of you, you were like that -
"What, that's it, is it?" Yeah.
On Monday night, there was something puzzling
about Jeremy Vine on Channel 5.
We always watch these quiz shows, Ronnie.
I know, but we're... ..bloody useless!
Doesn't take a lot to puzzle you, does it?
No, darling, it doesn't take a lot to puzzle me.
And, as I get older, it gets easier and easier. By the day.
I like, er...
Scribble? No.
Noughts and crosses.
It's time to make some serious shapes as we take on Shapeshifters.
APPLAUSE
Oh, heavens.
Oh, let's cut some shapes.
The shape on the right-hand side is what's on the board,
and you've just got to be clever enough
to transfer that shape onto that board. Yes.
Remember the song? Yeah.
♪ D-I-S-C-O.# Right.
Desirable, irresistible and super sexy?
Oh, it's desirable, irresistible, super sexy.
He definitely says super sexy in D-I-S-C-O.
So it's irresistible, desirable.
Let's have a look. Desirable, irresistible or super sexy?
Yeah! Yes! Julie, I got that one!
Oh, blooming heck. Wonderful.
Fanny Barks. What?!
Christ. Cockup and Itchy Bottom?
Well, aye, they're red herrings, in't they, a lot of them?
Oh, are they? Oh, right.
It's a kind of reverse L. Look at that, on a corner.
Wetwang!
Lower Swell as a place! Lower Swell is definitely a place.
Where did you see Lower Swell? Top left. Top left. Below Bulge.
Lower Swell is definitely a place. Great Cockup.
I think Wetwang might also be one as well.
Did I say Wetwang? You've gone for Wetwang...
Great Cockup and Lower Swell. ...Great Cockup and Lower Swell.
I've gone for Fanny Barks, Magnum Sheath and Pratt's Bottom.
Fanny Barks, then. Fanny Barks, Magnum Sheath and Pratt's Bottom .
Oh! Oh.
No! No!
Let's see if that's right.
So I could be right by here.
I'm going Wetwang. Are you doing...?
Wetwang, Great Cockup, Lower Swell. Yeah.
Now, then.
Wetwang, Great Cockup and Lower Swell.
Yes! Wait. You don't know yet.
Let's see if that's right.
I'm right. Am I right?
Well done, Lee. Oh, I'm good at this. God.
I want to be Lord of Wetwang.
I'm surprised those place names haven't been cancelled by...
People might be triggered by it. ...young people feeling triggered.
APPLAUSE
Join The Dots.
Here, you can do this one, Julie. Join The Dots.
Here we go.
One word.
Here come the lines.
Palmolive.
Radox.
That was a guess.
What, body soap? Is it a soap opera? Or... Or... Yeah.
Crossroads! Coronation Street. No, it's one word.
CONTESTANT BUZZES IN
Oh, what is it?
Crossroads!
Crossroads.
Crossroads! Do you remember Crossroads? I do.
No way!
Oh, soap!
I'm there thinking soap, fucking like actual bar of soap.
Crossroads.
I'm thinking like Imperial Leather, Dove. Yeah.
Like Dwayne the Rock, or what?
That's a G-I-P...
What...? What...?
Gipp?
The Rock. One word.
Gibraltar?! Gibr...?
Oh! Oh!
What do you mean?! Oh, my days!
American singer. Oh, gosh.
Could be anyone. Two words.
Uh, Diana Ross. What?
Is that...? Bon Jovi? No.
It's B.
B-B-Brian.
Brian. F... M... Bri... Bru...
B-B-B-B-B...
Oh! Britney Spears!
No. No. No.
Benson, what's his name...! Benson Boone! Boone!
Yeah! Benson Boone!
Benson Boone.
Benson Boone, he says - is that right?
Difficult, that one.
See, I don't know... I don't know who Benson Boone is.
I've never heard of... Do you know who Benson Boone is?
No. I've no idea. Who is he?!
In Bristol...
Trem, I left this little bit for you.
Thank you. I respect that. You...
But I would have left you more.
Listen... I would have left you at least a cupful.
Well, I'm saying, you know, I know what Trem's like.
Trem just only wants like a quarter or a half a cup.
...brothers Tremaine, Twaine and Tristan.
Truth be told, that's perfect for me.
Thank you. Yeah. You might just want a little...
Just a taste. Yeah. What would the word be, like a planet...?
Uh, planet? Palate. Palate cleanser. That's it.
Yeah. Planet! Not a planet cleanser.
Palate cleanser - that's the one. I couldn't get my words out.
But, yeah, you might want to cleanse your palate with that.
All right, Vladimir Putin.
On Friday, ITV was full of surprises.
I managed to get hold of these daffodils,
Mary, which were lying horizontal on the ground
because they'd been dashed down by the winter rain.
And now it's spring. How beautiful.
How come you didn't want a tea?
Ellie, I've had about three coffees - I'm absolutely off me tits.
Worst thing I did were buy that bean-to-coffee machine.
♪ Sex bomb, sex bomb You're my sex bomb... ♪
What the fucking hell's that?
♪ You can give it to me when I need to come along... ♪
It's a robot.
Would it be a good wingman for you, Jake?
No. He'd just embarrass me and show me up.
♪ Baby, you can turn me on... ♪
University of 'uddersfield.
Lovely.
Come on, University of Huddersfield! Huddersfield! Come on!
Come on! Hey, that's us!
Hello, everyone, and welcome to Friday's This Morning.
I am Harold the robot.
Oh, don't tell me they've got a robot doing This Morning now.
Oh, well, might be more interesting.
And I am delighted to be in the studio with Alison and Dermot today.
Oh, no, it's over.
Oh, he's small, isn't he, Harold the robot?
Harold the robot's very small.
Childlike.
Our next guest, Professor John Murray,
says that pretty soon robots will be able to make a cup of tea,
clean our homes and make life a little bit easier.
Yeah, how soon? Yeah.
And the great thing is, you wouldn't have to make a cuppa for them.
No, you wouldn't. You don't have to feed them! No!
So Harold's a commercial product
that we got at the university about six months ago,
and we've been using it for research in assisted living.
Assisted living - this is you.
Your mum struggles to use an iPhone never mind bloody...
I know, exactly. You've got no chance of her controlling a Harold.
So, theoretically, anyone could buy a version of Harold. Yes.
But then you take it into the workshop or the lab and then tinker
with it and see what you can do with it, right? That's it, yeah.
How much are they?
Oh.
Do you think they're...? No, you can't afford one.
I can tell you that right now.
He can do martial arts as well... He can. Can we see that?
We can.
Martial arts? Chop, chop.
I suppose, if it could do martial arts,
it'd be good if you had an intruder come into your home.
Just set the robot onto him.
What's martial arts?
So I'll just put him on. Here we go.
Connecting Bluetooth.
That's always the way, isn't it? Never work with...
AAA.
Oh, no!
It just... It just flopped.
Its legs have buckled. Was that martial arts?
John, is he OK? He's totally fine.
So it's a controller error... Does he need any water?
...I think is part of the problem.
I know this would drive me mad. I think I've changed my mind -
I don't want a robot.
Oh, it's very capoeira. Oh, yeah.
I love that they've spent all their
time teaching Harold martial arts and dancing.
It's like, "Guys, can we stick to the plan?
"Assisted living, care in the home."
Oh, yes. Whoa!
Oh, my God! Oh, roundhouse kick.
But, I mean, that's not actually helping anyone.
No. I'd rather see him whip up a curry than do martial arts.
Why do you like helping people, Harold?
I love helping people. It makes me feel incredibly happy.
Oh, my God, that's creepy.
One day, I hope me and my siblings can
live in homes across the UK to help
make life easier for those who need it.
Your siblings?!
There's more of you?!
Oh, he's already interbreeding, then, isn't he? No.
That's his brothers and sisters.
I know. But... someone's breeding them.
What's the timeframe, do you think? Like what...?
Like in ten, 15 years,
could you could people have like an automated helper?
So I hope it would be around that.
When you two get old... That's a long time.
That's a long, long time. ..I don't need to bother looking after you.
I'm just going to buy one of these. That's a long time, Chee.
Shove it in the house, get you one of those.
It's that or a care home - pick.
In the Cotswolds...
Darling, I've got something quite funny to tell you.
What? I was walking down the high street yesterday.
Yeah. And, um, something you've gifted to someone...
What? ..locally is in a charity shop. Don't be ridiculous. What?
It's a... It's a... It's a jacket!
That jacket? That you actually made.
...Andrew and his husband Alfie.
Somebody's taken a present we've given them
and taken it to the charity shop?!
It's in the charity shop, in the window!
Was it? The "eyes on you" one?
Yeah. Yeah, which is really obvious.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
How ungrateful are people?
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well, they never sold very many anyway.
Yeah, we weren't mighty to begin with, to be fair.
Wasn't exactly a bestseller, was it?
On Saturday,
there was only one story dominating the headlines on ITV.
You can make the next cuppa. Oh, thank you, I will.
It's the beginning of meteorological spring, Mary.
I know, but the time's going so fast,
we may as well dig ourselves graves and get into them.
No, Mary.
This is ITV news with Romilly Weeks.
Romilly Weeks, Mary!
Look at her. Isn't she charming?
Good afternoon. Iran has retaliated today
with multiple missile strikes across the Middle East...
Oh, God.
This is scary, isn't it?
They're lashing out at American bases
in the Middle East, as they said they would, Mary.
Oh, I see, the American bases. Yes.
...after the US and Israel launched a major attack on the country.
I thought Iran had been neutralised by Trump a few months ago.
So Trump would hope you'd think that, Mary.
The Pentagon named it Operation Epic Fury.
Epic Fury?! Oh, honest to God.
Who does he think he is, a boxer?
With Donald Trump pledging to obliterate
Iran's missiles and annihilate its Navy.
Oh, dear.
Well, that's going to calm things down nicely, isn't it? Yeah.
Old Donald's opened up a can of worms here.
I don't think he always thinks through things properly, does he?
Qatar, Bahrain and Saudi Arabia were all hit in the Iranian response.
And there's been an explosion at the Palm Hotel in Dubai.
THEY GASP
Lucy Stevens is supposed to be
moving there, isn't she? Yes, she is.
I wonder if she'll still go.
You're not safe anywhere, Lee, are you? Wow.
Have you checked on Steve? No, I haven't, actually.
Well, you'll need to check on him.
I know, but he's in Cyprus. They'll be a bit safe there, won't they?
This is an air assault by the United States and Israel,
with the overt aim of regime change in Iran.
A sense of deja vu,
when I hear that word regime change, Nutty
It reminds me of WMD, David Kelly, the dodgy dossiers.
The United States military began
major combat operations in Iran.
What has he got that on his head for?!
Why would he do it now? Well, he needs to do it now, Nutty,
because of his poll ratings going very badly.
Partly, I feel like this is because Trump wants
to get people off the Epstein files and, like, look at this! War!
Our objective is to defend the American people by eliminating
imminent threats from the Iranian regime.
What is the imminent threat from the Iranian regime?
This is the first time hearing about it. Hmm.
They must know something that we don't.
A vicious group of very hard, terrible people.
Yeah, but you can't have them all with the same brush.
I'm sure there's some very nice people as well.
I think he's on about the leadership regime,
not everybody. Not people that are just like in a shop.
For many years you have asked for America's help,
but you never got it.
No president was willing to do what I am willing to do tonight.
Well, there's a reason why past presidents haven't done this before.
It is a big threat to the worldwide peace, Iran.
So I reckon if they do get the regime out of the way
and make nice peace there, a lot better for everyone.
Now is the time to seize control of your destiny
and to unleash the prosperous and glorious future
that is close within your reach.
So the unarmed civilian population of Iran,
please rise up against the really well-armed,
bloodthirsty leaders of Iran.
Who killed thousands of people a few months ago
who tried to protest. Yeah.
Our forces are active
and British planes are in the sky today...
God, it's worrying, isn't it, really?
...as part of coordinated regional defensive operations.
Well, you're saying that for now.
So in layman's terms, the dog's still on the lead,
but it's foaming at the mouth, ready to go.
This has the potential to come back and sting us
in the Vale of Pewsey.
If they've closed the Straits of Hormuz.
Look... PRONOUNCES WITH "TH": Hormuz.
And that means petrol prices will go up.
Next week, we'll all be buying, bulk buying again.
I can't cos I ain't got many cupboards in our house.
I can't bulk buy.
In Surrey...
Back in the day, your dad
used to have an eight-pack, Chee.
Yeah, now it's a six.
You went to the gym yesterday and all you did was a tour.
No, it was a day pass. But you didn't... A day pass!
You didn't use it. A day pass, you just walked around the gym.
...Sarah, her husband Andre and their daughter Chee.
Don't worry. I'll be there tomorrow. But you were gone for two hours!
Yeah, because I had to go to the shop to buy all the ingredients!
What, you thought I was in the gym for two hours?
Yes. That's what you said! You're going to the gym!
No, I went to look at the gym.
Yeah. Dad was thinking about food the whole time he was there.
That's why he left to go and pick up the groceries to cook.
I was thinking about cooking dinner. I was like... The guy said,
"Oh, we can show you around and then you can stay."
And I was like, "Listen, just let me walk around quickly."
I was there for about ten minutes.
Probably seven.
On Thursday, another chap was off on a long-haul holiday
and wanted to tell us all about it on Channel 5.
India's on my bucket list, Simon.
My bucket list too. Is it? Yeah, yeah. I've not been.
No, nor have I.
I feel it could be quite hard with a mobility scooter. It might be.
Your tum would not be geared up for India.
You see, you underestimate my IBS.
You know, as long as it's managed correctly,
and I took at least a hand-luggage amount of Imodium...
10kg allowance. ..you know, I think I'd be all right.
Welcome to India.
Have you ever been to India before?
I think you'd know if I'd been to India.
In this series, I'm going on a journey.
It's the closest I'll ever get to being in the Hells Angels.
Mum would come into her own somewhere like this.
Oh, yeah. Hand'd be never off the horn. Honk-honk!
And to experience how old India is.
Was that the Great...?
Oh, no. I'm thinking of... The Great Wall of India.
...China!
Alexander Armstrong.
Did he stay at your house in France once? He did indeed.
He didn't do a programme on that, that's for sure.
THUNDER CRASHES
Whoa, look at that.
Monsoon where they... Oh, you don't half get the monsoon there,
you know. Do they? Oh, aye.
This was the day I'd planned to spend
with the legendary dabbawallahs.
What are dabbawallahs? These are dabbawallahs.
Dabbawallahs, Simon. Yeah. Yeah - legendary.
This 5,000-strong army has delivered
home-cooked lunches nearly every day since 1890.
Oh! Fucking hell, that's a fair old shift.
Do you know, the other night we ordered a garlic bread and chips.
Yeah? It took two hours to come.
I an't joking. The bairns were starved.
Now I'm wearing the famous dabbawallah uniform,
I feel I was born for this.
What's the uniform? Just a hat? Just a hat, yeah.
You've worn your own clothes...
With a hat on. ..and put a hat on.
A dabba refers specifically to the metal lunchbox.
Oh. Oh!
Yeah, I've seen them. They look so cool.
And a wallah is the person who carries it.
Dabbawallah. Dabbawallah. Dabbawallah.
The punkah wallahs used to be
the ones with the fans, didn't they? Oh, right.
Over 200,000 containers of home-cooked food
are delivered across Mumbai every day.
That's amazing. A day? Yeah. That's extraordinary. No way.
My colleague Santosh and I are picking up Mr Kakani's lunch,
just recently made for him by Mrs Kakani here.
I like this idea. Yeah, good luck.
Also, Dad, you work upstairs from home!
And I still don't get lunch cooked for me!
So I could say, "I'm a bit peckish," and I could phone them up and say,
"Can you get to Jane's, my sister's,
"get her to knock me up a quick lasagne?"
Would you be all right with that? Yeah.
As noon strikes, legions of dabbawallahs arrive with lunch.
They've got some dinners. Look at them lot.
I won't trust myself with all them lunches.
I couldn't be a dabbawallah. You couldn't!
I hope that lunch is worth all this.
I don't understand why the husbands can't just
take it to work with them in the morning. Lazy sods.
This is one of the central sorting areas.
Our post office can't sort like this, can they? No!
And this is where their clever code of colours, numbers and symbols
comes into its own.
I'm getting a bit confused.
You could so easily pick up a pilau
instead of mushroom rice, couldn't you? Yes.
I need somehow to work out where I'm going.
Well, I guess the clue is here. I will look for Street 21.
I'm looking for a building that begins with R.
Oh, God.
He's just wandering around India aimlessly.
I feel sorry for whoever's lunch he's got.
Well, here we are. Ramen House.
Ah, yes. We're here.
That is the R in the code here.
4 - fourth floor.
So simple as that.
Simple as that. 'kin hell.
Floor 4.
Hello, Mr Kakani?
"No, he's off today."
KNOCKS
Ah, Mr Kakani.
He found him!
Sweaty Englishman's turned up.
There you are. Thank you. I hope it's still warm. Of course it is.
I have my own dabbawallah.
She's called Angela and she's me mam.
I've just thought.
I think what we have learnt from that
is that what a good wife does is cook...
I'd be very careful where you go with this now.
So in other words, he loves his wife's cooking,
so he's happy to eat it every day, in't he?
Yeah, well there we are. Yeah.
That's why I ate crisps most of my working life.
In Blackpool...
Do you know what I've found with Paige, right?
Any remotest bit of stress or pressure,
she just buckles and starts being a sausage with me.
I just love it
because she turns into, like, a full-on Sonia off EastEnders.
...Pete and his little sister Sophie.
We had one the other day. She went...
"We've got to leave by ten past. We've got to leave by ten past."
And I was sat in the car... At 20 past. ..at ten past.
I was sat in the car for ten past
and Paige is going, "You've fucking made us late now."
I'm like, "Funny. We're all sat in the car
"and you've come out at 12 minutes past."
You absolutely are the world's worst for that.
I knew you'd have her fucking side. Whatever.
On Thursday night,
the brightest brains in business were back on the BBC.
SINGS ALONG TO APPRENTICE THEME
I wonder what disaster is gonna happen this week.
You're fired.
I was an apprentice for ages. I was an apprentice hairdresser,
an apprentice business adminner...
Oh, yeah?
Was I...? An apprentice credit controller.
I've been an apprentice for flippin' years, actually.
I think I've only just come out of the apprentice stage.
In the episode, Lord Sugar had sent everyone off to Egypt
with the task of organising a corporate awayday.
So I would really love to
put myself forward for project manager for this.
God, they must all be sweating their tits off,
suited and booted up like that.
I've done a lot of events in the UK. I literally had 25 events last year.
OK, Megan, you're sounding good.
So she's got experience.
With experience. They need to utilise that.
I do want to go down the luxury route
because they are a luxury client.
So I do want to mention the word luxury.
And I'd like to go with a mid-range for like catering, for drinks.
Caviar.
You want a bit of caviar there, on crackers.
Caviar on crackers! "Look at this. We got caviar on crackers. Yeah."
Hoping to drive through a deal with high-end car brand DS Auto...
DS Auto? Weren't they on Ashton Old Road in Clayton,
where we used to live?
There was a DS up there, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah.
Doesn't look like the man we used to deal with, though.
So we're looking for an experience focusing on style, luxury.
Yeah. Yeah.
Style, luxury. Got it, got it. Yeah.
Um, now, in terms of pricing,
we have worked out a price of $10,000.
Here we go. Watch him fall off the couch.
THEY LAUGH Yeah...
"Right."
For $10,000, we'd expect a private jet to go and see the Pyramids.
Yeah! Yeah. I would and all, love.
I'd want Alan Sugar's fucking Rolls-Royce coming up to pick me up.
Unfortunately, our absolute maximum would be $3,200.
"Meet me in the middle. Nine grand."
OK. Thank you. Lovely to meet you. Thank you very much.
See you tomorrow. Thank you.
Ooh, he drives a hard bargain.
I can't bear to watch, actually.
It's gonna be a muppet show, this, innit, eh? Yeah.
The mid-range option here, we have the local sea bass.
It's one of, like, very traditional dish.
Yeah, that's proper.
Matching a menu to Megan's luxury brief...
Served with childhood potatoes, basically triple-fried.
It's a very popular dish.
It's chips. It's thick chips.
I'd want more than that.
What's in there? That's potato wedges,
that is, innit, surely? Is it?
Guys, I know we don't have a lot of time,
but I think we can get this all done with teamwork, OK?
Oh, they gotta cook it. Oh, wow.
Well, that looks half decent.
Hello. So we finally got your food out for you.
"Here's your wedges, guys.
"You've worked up a sweat for these. Enjoy."
It's potato wedges, right?
HE GUFFAWS
They're not just any old potato wedges, these, son.
Use your eyes.
Triple-cooked.
OK...
They're hard. She can't cut through it!
Oh.
It's not actually cooked.
Oh, no! What did they say? It's not cooked!
Thing is, I'd be that hungry, I'd just be eating the cooked bits.
It's, like, solid.
Oh! Oh, no, he's gonna go and complain.
The potatoes aren't actually cooked.
Oh, are they not? They're still slightly raw on the inside.
"It's actually called al dente, dipshit."
How hard is it to go wrong with a bloody wedge?
Potato wedge? Yeah. Come on! It's potato.
For Megan's team, hope's pinned on a perfect main.
Is that the fish? That's the sea bass, Simon.
Oh, it looks like it's been put together with a baseball bat.
It's gonna be difficult to serve that and make it look premium
because it's all broken apart.
Oh, that's terrible. "One flake or two?"
It's taken crisp to a different level.
I think that looks really good. Good save.
THEY LAUGH
I've never seen an Apprentice challenge go this bad.
I feel like they're going to be happy with what they got.
Oh, no!
Megan?
The fish is quite... Quite plain.
OK. Are you guys still happy to eat and enjoy the meal or...?
No, they're not happy, Megan. They're pissed off.
Look at their faces!
Oh, that's awful. Jenny, they haven't eaten anything.
Now here comes the recriminations, Nutty.
But it's a confederacy of dunces!
They're all stupid.
Oh, here's Alan. Here he is. Here's Alan. Here comes Alan. Big A.
He's gonna dish it up now, ain't he?
You took on this task, Megan,
on the basis that you are experienced
and have done corporate events.
And for that reason, I've got to tell you, Megan, you are fired.
Fired. Fired. Absolutely.
OK. Thank you, Lord Sugar. Megan, sit down. I'm not finished yet.
Oh! "I'm not finished yet." Spicy Lord Sugar. Let's go.
Is he doing a double firing?
Because, Carrington, I'm not satisfied with your explanations,
you're also fired.
SHE WHOOPS, HE LAUGHS
And you... No!
Is he gonna do a triple-cooked wedge?
I don't like people who are negative, so you're fired also.
Oh! Oh! Three!
Hattie! Hattie!
He's done the hattie. Is that the first time ever?
I don't know, darling. Hat-trick of firings!
You're very excited. Oh, my God.
You know, the producers are probably sat in the back
pulling their hair out. You know, "Alan's gone bloody rogue.
"He was only supposed to sack one, and he's got rid of three.
"How are we supposed to magic another two back up?"
"Excuse me, Alan, it was just one firing this week."
"Can you just pick one, Alan, please?"
♪ In a perfect world Singing
♪ In a perfect world
♪ In a perfect, perfect world. ♪
Subtitles by Red Bee Media