- It's on the blink, Mary. - Literally? - It's not igniting.
It's not igniting, Mary. Turn it off.
Turn it on again.
Turn the machine off at the wall.
Wait a few seconds.
Turn it back on again.
What a time to...for the boiler to go on the blink, Mary.
In the middle of winter,
with snow forecast.
This programme includes strong language and adult humour.
- Aah! - No!
Ooh!
- What an entrance! - Ah! I'm living for this!
- Taser him! - Oh! - Oh!
- Do they talk like this all the time? - I don't think so.
- Oh! - Oh, here we go.
What is that?!
Oh, shut up!
This doesn't look real.
I don't think it is.
A framboisier? What's a framboisier?
Oh, I knew it!
No!
- This looks dodgy, doesn't it? - It does. Why is it dodgy?
This is going to go down so badly!
None of us learn, do we?
I hate you!
Must remember that bellend!
This is what everybody came for.
Alarm bells are ringing with me, Mary.
- At least the nipples are covered. - Yeah.
That's half the battle.
In the week we said a fond farewell to snooker legend John Virgo,
we enjoyed lots of great telly.
They were wheeling out the big brains on Channel 4.
Please welcome Susie Dent!
Susie!
Lovely to see you.
Of course the woman from Countdown's in this!
- She is really smart, to be fair. - Yeah, she is.
But although, at the same time,
doesn't she just look up dictionary, like?
That's right, all she does is flip through the dictionary!
Yeah, and she goes, "Right, yeah, that is a real word."
- We could do that. - I could do that, yeah!
Will Smith found himself in a hole on Disney+.
The goal of the expedition
is to find new species,
not just for the sake of finding new species.
You know, we're not collecting stamps here.
His name's Prof?
That means he's a professor.
There's a joke at my work that I'm a professor
because one time I filled out a form and I put Prof instead of Miss.
SHE LAUGHS
And Olivia Attwood was showing us how to get filthy rich on ITV2.
- It's in the millions. - Wow.
I don't know why you don't do any of this.
You'd make a fortune!
You've always said that. You could do a chatline.
I'd be good at it.
- I know, you said... - Hey, Lee, look, I've already got...
I'll show you. Ready?
What?
Taking your clothes off? What?
"Hello, sir. Yes?
"What would you like today?
"Oh, you'd like me to take my dress off?
"Yes, OK.
"Oh, the zip's got a bit stuck.
"Hold on moment.
"Right, the dress is coming off now, sir."
Innit good?
Oh, I've got my finger stuck!
In Leeds...
Where did it all go wrong for you on Saturday night?
Cos you seemed all right at the brunch.
I think it were when I had them two spicy margaritas back-to-back,
one spicy margarita after the other.
I just love a spicy marg.
..sisters Ellie and Izzi.
Well, you went absolutely mad with me.
I bought you a pink gin and tonic and you were going,
"No, you know I wanted spicy margarita.
"I wanted spicy margarita, why have you brought me pink gin?"
Yeah, and so I necked that gin that you bought me
and then trotted off to t' bar and bought myself two spicy margaritas.
- Not one but two spicy margaritas. - Yeah, and...
- Just to spite me. - Yeah.
And then I drunk one spicy margarita after the other.
Necked 'em.
I actually think that after that point
of necking those spicy margaritas,
that's when the night becomes blurry.
- That's when it spiralled! - That's when it spiralled, yeah.
You rang me at two in t' morning and I thought, "Piss off!"
On Thursday night, the latest bunch of business hopefuls
were suited and booted and back in the firing line on BBC One.
I tell you what, I watched episode one last week. Shitshow.
I wish I was actually clever enough or had the brain
- to invent something that they would love. - Mm.
But that would just never happen.
You're fired.
- We had to do a business plan when we took the pub. - Oh, did you? - Yeah.
Yeah, well, I never did it.
- I didn't... - I wouldn't know how to start a business plan. - No.
Where would you start? How do you start a business plan?
You write it down.
I know that, you silly bastard!
In the programme,
Lord Sugar had a playful way of introducing the next task.
Are you sitting comfortably?
We shall begin.
Oh, it's Tony!
Not Lord Sugar Tony.
For your next task,
I want you to create a story
for four- to six-year-olds.
Oh! That is such a fun task.
You'll need to produce a book and an audio version to go with it.
OK, an audio version I think would be tricky
because there's no visual aid there.
No. No, that's the audio bit.
This is a good one. Surely they can't go far wrong with this.
Writing a kids' book and
- Writing a kids' book and recording it. - Exactly.
I got a story idea, I think.
Next for the boys...
So mine is Gino Giraffe.
He's on a spaceship and his whole end goal is basically to have a poo.
- Oh, great. - What?
- To have a poo? - Correct.
No. Get him out. Nobody wants to talk about excrement.
There is a boy called Astro, five years old, goes into space,
and essentially, he's trying to find the perfect toilet.
Why is it all based around toilets?
He's trying to find the perfect toilet in space?
Which mum and dad is going to enjoy
reading that story to their child?
One, two, three, poo!
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God, this is only going to go one way.
- Down the toilet. - Yeah.
Next chapter for Marcus's boys...
Please, Roo! Can I do a poo in your loo?
Oh, my days.
Do you want to do, for Doo Doo Land...
# Da, da! # Prrrrrp!
No.
Don't do that.
- You're taking the mick. - Is this for real?
- Yeah. - Let's go.
OK.
# Dun, dun! #
Prrrrrp!
Oh!
HE LAUGHS
Is this seriously what The Apprentice has come to?
Central London.
Are we excited?
Yes!
No!
- Oh, my God, what are the kids going to say? - Oh, deary me.
Right, this is your audience, isn't it?
If the kids like it, you've got some testimonials.
He's not scared of ANY planet in the universe.
Except for one.
- Oh! - Oh, Jane!
Oh! Look at the faces!
Oh, they're bored!
Doo Doo land!
# Dun, dun! #
Prrrrrp!
HE LAUGHS
Not a one is laughing.
But what did people think of the adventure that Astro went on?
It isn't that funny.
Oh!
SHE LAUGHS
It isn't that funny!
- Do you know what? Kids are brutal. - They are.
Do you want to hear it one more time?
- No. - No?
No!
Once was enough!
That kid's like, with a cigarette, going,
"I prefer the humour of PG Wodehouse!"
5pm.
Arriving, some of Britain's biggest book-sellers.
- Oh, no. - Oh, God.
- This is... This will be so cringey. - Oh, I can't wait.
We are here to present to you, Astro And The Three Aliens.
Nah! What the fuck? Nah!
Look at the giant shit on his head!
Doo Doo Land!
# Dun, dun! #
Prrrrrp!
THEY ALL GROAN
Oh, my God.
That's exactly how it's gone down!
Yeah!
They've actually narrated
how their book's gone down!
In Hull...
Are you glad to be back?
Does it look as though I'm glad to be back?
Did you enjoy it?
- Yes, I did. - Oh, good.
I enjoyed my break.
- Where did I go? - Er...
..best friends Jenny and Lee.
Candide.
No, not Candide. What is it?
Er...
India.
Yeah.
"Go."
Oh, Goa!
Oh, yeah, Goa, yeah.
- Goa! I... - I'm surprised you haven't asked me,
- where did I get it from? - Where did you get it from?
Fucking India! Where do you think? Manchester?
Oh, yeah.
On Sunday night, we settled in for
a light-hearted game of tactics and trivia on ITV.
The Floor!
We can't have an alcoholic drink on a Sunday.
It's only one.
You'd better drink it.
- You'd better drink it. - Famous last words!
I'm Rob Brydon, and this is The Floor.
- Hello, Rob. - He looks like a koala.
Let's bring in our players.
Oh, they're all happy to be there... Oh, my Lord.
Oh, I think I quite like this
already.
Have they all got a box? They've all got their own box?
So you choose your subject,
depending on your specialist...specialism.
So like, you might choose, I don't know, Aston Villa.
- OK. Or pop music. - Yes.
- And what would your special subject be? - Food.
- Food? - Absolutely.
Hello, everybody.
49 of you remain.
49!
And you're all still in with a chance
of winning that huge jackpot of £50,000.
CHEERING
- Ooh! - It's not bad for a Sunday afternoon work. - No.
Let's light up the floor!
What a strapline.
Here we go, any second now...
Oh!
- Slay! - Oh, hello!
Slay! Clock it!
What does that mean? Sleigh bells?
No, it must mean S-L-A-Y.
He's going to kill the contestants, his rivals. Slay them.
Now, then, George, your category is...
US states.
- Oh! - Oh!
I've been in a few states,
but not in many US states.
So there's four.
Four states?
- America... - I think there's at least 60.
America, New York...
America, New York, and then there's another two.
- You're lying to me. - I'm not.
But George wasn't playing his own category.
He was about to play Ayesha's category.
The category is famous hair.
- I don't think Dad would get very far with this one. - No!
No. No.
Claudia Winkleman!
Claudia Winkleman.
Long, black and shiny. No dandruff.
Mr T!
BA Baracus! "I ain't getting no plane, fool!"
Mr T.
I've woke up like Mr T and all my hair shrinks.
We've all woken up like Mr T.
Well, not all of us, but us people of colour.
Harry Winkleman!
No... No!
Harry Winkleman!
Prince Harry!
Prince Harry.
I mean, they've done him wonders there,
- because they've clearly used an old picture. - Yeah.
It's like orange smoke on top now.
Oh! Um...
- Barbara! - "Get out of my...
"Get out of my pub!" EastEnders!
Dolly Parton.
- Oh, Dolly Parton! - Dolly Parton!
I thought it was Peggy from EastEnders!
Oh, I know. What's their name?
What's THEIR name? Have you seen the beard?
Oh, no.
Jason Momoa.
- I didn't know that one. - I was going to be like, Jesus?
- I was going to say the one that... The one that's... - Shay!
Posh Spice.
No, that's not Posh Spice.
It's Baby Spice.
- Mel B? - Nope.
Diana Ross.
Mel B.
Mel B?!
- Oh! - Oh...
I told you!
I'm sorry, they're exaggerating her hair a little bit there.
No, she doesn't look like that.
Prince...
Prince?! That's a woman!
I was gonna say, "Prince William's woman!"
Prince William's woman?!
In this day and age, Amani?!
In this day and age, she's only his woman?!
I forgot her name!
She's only his woman?!
This is what I like to call an ironing show.
You know if you're doing a bit of ironing,
you bang this on, don't you?
- Yeah, it used to be the EastEnders omnibus... - Yeah.
- ..but now, you can just bang The Floor on. - Yeah.
- Get the kids' uniforms washed out. - Yeah. - Done.
- It's not going to put you off... - No.
..but it's nice to have on in the background.
In Manchester...
Me mate's getting married on Friday
and I'm really looking forward to it, but me mate's a vegetarian,
so that means vegetarian food at the wedding.
No, surely he'll do some normal options.
It's veggie food.
..the Malones.
The thing is, I like vegetables and that, no issue with vegetables,
but I do like a good, like, bit of chicken or something.
Hey, Shaun, you never know, you might go,
the food might be that good, you might become a vegetarian.
I can't see that.
You can be the one that turns up,
"Who's the guest that's turned up with the wedding present,
"a packet of pork pies and sausage rolls here?"
They're all going to be 'round it, aren't they?
Don't give him ideas.
This week, Disney+ was pushing a Hollywood A-lister
to the limit on an epic new adventure series.
Pole to Pole With Will Smith, Shirl.
He's going from the North Pole right down to the South Pole.
He's walking, is he?
Walking?!
Where is the North Pole?
I don't think you can live there.
- You can. - You can't.
Santa lives there.
Yeah, just Santa. No-one else.
I don't think I'd want to go pole to pole with Will Smith or toe to toe.
You know, Chris Rock found that out, didn't he?
Did you ever have one of those friends...
Why is he that close to the camera like that?
..that, like, gets you in trouble all the time?
- I was that friend. - Yeah.
How does he know?!
I remember my very first snake bite. You never forget your first.
What do you mean? How many snake bites have you had in your life?
Does he mean the shot?
No, darling.
Over the last 25 years, I've had 27 snake bites...
- 27?! - ..24 broken bones, 400 stitches...
Oh, my God.
..two stingray stings
and one near-fatal scorpion sting in the Amazon.
Bloody hell, that's like my summer holidays.
I've had all them.
I hope you've got good health insurance.
Bryan has us in the middle of the Amazon.
And you want to go there?
- Yeah, not necessarily with Bryan, though! - No!
Now, Bryan thinks there are creatures here
that could hold the secret to saving millions of lives.
That's worth looking for.
- Oh, wow. - OK, let them stay there.
Innit? Stay there with your secret.
We are arriving.
The main goal of our expedition is just there.
What's the main...?
But today we are not going up.
We are going down.
- We're going up. - Oh, no, I couldn't be going down.
I'm terrible. When I got stuck behind that woman
in the Great Pyramid that year... I'll never forget it.
Cueva de los Tayos,
AKA where people don't come back out.
You know what that means in Spanish?
- What? - "Deep hole."
We are going down, about 20-storey building.
20-storey building?! Ain't there a lift?!
See you on the bottom.
"You go first, set some lights up and a little fire."
Imagine if, down there, there's a cure for cancer.
He's shooting for the stars. Fair play to him.
Oh, I'd go. I'd go.
- Oh, there's a cure for cancer. - Oh, please let there be.
I'll come and help.
It wasn't long before Bryan and Will's poking about
would unearth some creepy crawlies.
- Oh, hey. - Ooh... - Ooh, that's a nice one.
Oh, wow.
GEORGIA SCREAMS
Oh, my God!
What the fuck?!
Sorry, Vin.
- Oh, my God! Daniella, it's really big! I can't... - I'm not looking!
We're going to need a bigger jug.
- Here we go. - Thank you.
- Ugh! No! - Oh, my God, it's the size of a hand!
Hu-uge. That's hu-uge.
I tell you what, that's got hairier legs than me.
Yeah, that thing is insane-looking.
Oh, my gosh, could you imagine that in your bedroom?
Hee-hee!
So what do they do now?
They've got the animals, so how do they extract the venom?
Cos them animals aren't going to give it freely, are they?
So we're going to milk the biggest of the tarantulas.
Milking tarantulas. Come on.
TOM SQUEAKS
How long does the spider stay knocked out?
I try to do as minimal as possible,
so it's usually out for about five minutes, ten minutes at most.
So you should hurry up.
Spider sedation. Well, I never.
- It takes three of us just to wrangle the animal. - Uh-oh.
Ugh! Ay, ay, ay!
- What is it?! - Oh, it's just so big.
All right, so, first, Amelio's going to pop open one of the fangs.
- Mm-hm. - Ugh!
Whoa.
Fucking hell!
State of that!
Jesus!
You getting any venom?
Ooh, nice big drop. Look at that.
- Oh, here it comes! - It's coming out! - Yeah. - Argh! - It's milking!
There we go. Oh, that was a good amount.
Oh, my God, look at that.
The spider's waking up rapidly.
- Oh! - Oh, it's waking up now, Lee.
- Oh, shit. - Rapidly? Fucking hell.
Knock him out, man!
Get some gas on him!
Your first venom extraction.
Look at all that.
Will drinks it.
"We going to do some shots down here, then, or what?"
In Durham...
When I go food shopping, cos I go food shopping now,
only done it twice...
You must be starving.
..in the whole six months I've lived there.
..best friends Abbie and Georgia.
Well, that's when I done
that week of HelloFresh, didn't I?
- Ah. - I'll never do that again.
Hated it.
It was the worst week of my life.
There was tomato puree up me walls.
I hated every second.
I'm being serious.
I put a complaint in.
Did ya?
"Please send a chef with this next time."
On Sunday night, ITV2 was showing us new ways to make a living.
- Right, get your notepad out. - What?
Olivia Attwood -
How to Get Filthy Rich.
Oh, I'd love to be filthy rich, wouldn't you?
- Too right I would. - Ohh...
This gives you an insight into how people
- are making money in, er, questionable ways. - Yeah.
It's people that make money out of, like, OnlyFans and stuff.
Ohh...
Hey, I don't want Nat watching this, getting ideas.
Seeing what else there is available...
- Exactly. - ..on the internet for money.
No, well, do you know what?
I actually did once buy some saucy underwear
and he got annoyed with me and says,
"What have you bought that for?"
Visibility on social media of the foot fetish
has spiked in recent years...
- Ooh! - Foot fetish!
I don't want to look at my own,
let alone someone else's dusty, crusty feet!
Does that turn you on?
No, not really.
Is it supposed to?
..with Pornhub reporting a 58% increase of interest
from the under-35s.
Don't include me in that.
Yep, it's your generation.
Look, you're slap-bang in the middle.
My generation, we need to be doing better.
I think everyone's got a foot fetish on the sly.
- No. - Definitely. - No.
One guy I found online stumbled upon the earning power of his feet
while serving in the Armed Forces.
- What?! - You're joking.
Surely you can't do that in the Armed Forces.
What is so attractive about this size-11, stinky foot?
Oh, Lord! Move that foot away!
He has been the only person thus far
to be kicked out of the Navy for creating adult content.
Why can't he do that AND serve the nation?
I like men in uniform, though, Lee.
- Ohh! - I do, honestly.
- I can believe... - Is that why you used to see the lollipop man? - Yeah!
What he's told me, which I don't really understand,
but he's doing a sock drop.
A what?
Sock drop.
Now, this isn't the first time I've heard about this.
There's a post that says, "Millennium Bridge, 10:30am today,
"I am leaving a pair of dirty socks.
"Come and get them."
This is insane.
I've missed my calling.
The world has gone mad.
I mean, my sock drawer needs a good sorting out, to be fair.
If I could make a bit of money from selling my old socks...
I bin my holy socks. Maybe I should be selling 'em.
We're in Central London today and, as requested,
so many of you want me to leave
a sock on Millennium Bridge.
Guys, look, you might see me on this bridge
cos I was in London the other day.
- If I turn up, it's just coincidence, OK? - Yeah, right!
So I've actually got this pair that I've been wearing
for four days straight.
Ohh, four days?!
Christ, they'll be walking around on their own!
- He suffers for his art, doesn't he? - Clearly.
He's tying them on.
Right, there you go.
Oh, well, I suppose he's got a pair...
Well, he's learnt something in the Navy, nutty,
he's learnt how to tie a knot.
So what do the people that have
picked up the socks in the past look like?
I want to see who's
getting those socks!
- Yeah, I want to see! - That's what I want to know! - Name and shame!
As we're leaving the bridge, Zak spots someone he recognises.
THEY GASP
- No! He recognises somebody! - Ohh, wow!
That's one of my fans!
Where?! Where?!
Running for the sock now.
AMANI SHRIEKS
It's one of his fans, Mary.
- How long has that been? - What? 30 seconds, minute?
Christ, he's on it straight away.
Shall we meet him?
Well, I mean, I would, obviously, but he's your fan, not mine.
This is crazy. This is actually crazy.
Have they gone?
Someone got 'em before him.
- HE GASPS - Somebody's already got him. - Oh, no!
ANITA LAUGHS
- Aww, look. - Oh, look, he's gutted.
It's like, "Where's the socks?"
Is he coming?
- Hi. - Where are they?
Now, we're actually meeting a foot fetishist, nutty.
I think I've gone into a sort of nightmare or something.
Well, better luck next time.
MAN LAUGHS
Nice to meet you. Thanks for talking to me.
I'll let you say your goodbyes.
- I'll give you a hug. - Oh! - Wait, really? - I'll be nice.
Oh, are they hugging? They're hugging, Daniella.
Right. Ugh!
- That'll be better than the socks. - Yeah.
What could I show people?
- What's the matter? - Well...
- I don't want to play, cos I'm thinking of... - Oh.
It's going to be your stinky underwear -
that's what they want, Jane.
Well, I could do a bra, couldn't I?
Yeah, way too much already.
I am so in to sell socks!
It's not happening, darling.
And I'm going and checking every sock in the drawer upstairs
- before we go to bed tonight. - There's going to be a sock register!
And there's going to be a sock register upstairs,
and if any socks have gone next week, I'll know where they are!
In the Cotswolds...
- I almost did dry January. - What do you mean, you almost did?
Well, I did...I did that week.
- The week where you did three days of...? - I did four.
..Andrew and his husband, Alfie.
I quite liked it for my ten days.
There's probably 30 non-alcoholic beers still left in the fridge.
- Yeah, I drank four. - OK, so it wasn't that...
- It was more of a damp January. - It was, a total damp January. - OK.
On Monday night, there were more police in pursuit on Channel 5.
- Can I interest you? - Oh, I couldn't possibly.
Thank you so much.
- Come on, up you come. - Good girl.
- Yay! - Look, it's Motorway Cops.
- Good girl, Tilly. - Watch this with me.
Right, we're going to watch this so that you know
what not to do on the motorway now that you're learning to drive.
It's fine - Jake goes so slowly. He'll be fine.
Cheers, Captain Obvious.
HORN BLARES
When it comes to bad driving, dashcam never lies.
- There are some shite drivers out there, aren't there? - Shite. Shite.
Down!
Looking up the most dangerous people on our roads are...
..the Motorway Cops.
I'd love to see them catch a few.
I haven't been on the motorway for ages.
Since my mother died, there's no reason to go anywhere.
Mum would make a good motorway cop.
She can make a 1.4 turbo Mokka do things
- that the Stig could only dream of. - Yeah.
I like driving on the motorway, but I hate the lane hoggers, man.
Move out of the way!
- Chee doesn't like the lane hoggers, Andre. - She IS a lane hogger!
She's the number one lane hogger! Oh, my days, Chee.
- You need to move over now. - Dad's worse than me. - No.
- Dad is worse than me. - Don't try, Chee.
Your dad just... Your dad goes all over the place.
- You're like, "Andre, just stay in one lane, man." - I move over.
Chee sits there... "Neeee!" ..in this little Mini. "Neeeee!"
PHONE LINE RINGS
Humberside. That's us!
A theft of fuel. You know what that means, don't you, Soph?
- They've nicked some fuel. - That's right.
- I've done that. Have you driven away... - Yeah.
- ..without paying? - Yeah.
- Accidentally, mine was. - Of course!
- Oh, right, sorry. - Stop it!
- Oh, he's stoned. On the drugs. - He's on drugs, is he, love?
Oh, that's even worse, innit?
A Bentley Continental?!
- Oh, what? - In a Bentley?! - In a Bentley? - Whoa!
And you can't pay for your fuel?
Tango November 1-1, we're blue lighting across there now.
"We're blue lighting! We're blue lighting!"
"He believes he's the second coming of Jesus"?
Oh, Jesus. He's off his trolley, then.
To be fair, I would imagine that the second coming of Jesus
- would drive around in a Bentley Continental. - Yeah.
SIREN WAILS
He's got a couple of pals in t'car and all.
So it's Jesus
and the disciples!
It is failing to stop.
Well in excess of 7-0 in a 3-0.
- Oh, he's doing 70 and 30. - Now, that's way worse than I was.
- This is marvellous, this programme. - Yeah.
There's the car!
The wagons have got him! HGVs have got him!
Box him in, box him in.
Stop! Stop!
Yeah, stop, you silly bastard.
Contact made with subject vehicle. Contact made.
Vehicle is continuing.
- No! - No, he's got away! - The lorries, the lorries!
Oh, my days!
- You stupid wagons! - Fucking wagon drivers.
- He's going to go straight through! - Oh!
- SOPHIE GASPS - Whoa!
He just went through the barrier!
It's done a right, right, right. Right, right, right.
- Oh! - Oh, my God!
- This is absolutely wild. - It's crazy.
- It's like a James Bond film. - Isn't it?
- All right. - You've got backup? OK, good, good. Finally.
Where's the helicopter, man?
Shit a brick! This is fast.
This is so cool.
- It is pretty... - For all the wrong reasons!
This must be the best car chase ever.
It's a bit fantastic, isn't it?
SIREN WAILS
They got him. They got him. That's it. They got him.
- "He's been dogged"? - "He's been dogged"?
- ELLIE GASPS - He's been dogged!
He's been dogged! Get him dogged!
- Lay on your front! Lay on your front! - Now! - Do it now! Do not move!
- I don't think he can move, can he? - There's not a chance!
There's not a chance of him moving. Where's he off to?
Right, mate, you're under arrest
on suspicion of failing to stop for police,
dangerous driving and abduct/kidnap.
"On suspicion of failing to stop for the police"?!
- There's no suspicion in that. - Yeah. - He's gone for 40 miles at 100mph.
Charge him for that one now.
You understand?
Sorry?
- Oh, look at that. Fucking hell. - Oh...
He's wrecked that car.
I mean, your mum has come back with some dents and scratches,
but never like that.
HE LAUGHS AND COUGHS
In Leeds...
Izzi, is that my jaw, or have I got jowls?
Jowls, definitely.
..sisters Ellie and Izzi.
- I'm getting jowls? - Yeah. - Seriously?
Like, are you being mean or are you being honest?
Let me feel.
It's jowls.
Fuck's sake.
Gobble, gobble!
BBC NEWS THEME
On Friday, an exciting expose was making the headlines on the BBC.
Seeing as how we put the news on, any chance we could watch it?
Cos it would be nice. I know I do love looking at doggies...
Oh, thanks for the kiss.
SHE SLURPS
- SHE SLURPS - Er...
Do you have to keep fucking slurping?
Well, get me some bread, then!
Complaints about rogue locksmiths have risen by two thirds
after the last... over the last four years.
- Good heavens! - Oh, good grief.
- I'd no idea that was a thing. - No, neither did I.
Oh, dear. What are they doing?
Using a tactic known as bait and switch,
where companies offer an affordable call-out fee,
but hike up the price when they get there.
- Oh, that's when you hear the, "Ooh..." - Yeah.
"Ooh, that's a mortise."
- HE INHALES SHARPLY - "Five-lever! Ooh!" - Yeah! Five-lever.
Basically, every plumber and locksmith
and builder and roofer in London is a crook.
No. No, not all crooks.
Emergency call-out fee, £45.
Fin and Maria were locked inside
when they called 24/7 Locksmiths UK.
How do you get locked inside?
You got locked between two doors one time.
I did! I got locked in the porch!
You was there all day,
till I got back from work.
They say they were quoted £45 over the phone.
Well, that's where they get you -
cheap call-out fee, expensive repair bills.
Yes. Just making stuff up.
- "We'll have to replace the door here, love." - Yeah, yeah.
"Really, we're going to have to knock down this house,
"really, to get you in."
I stuck my head out the window and said, "Do not break the lock.
"You know, we can definitely fix this without doing that.
"We're not going to have to replace this. You don't need to do that."
And he said, "No, I need to do it."
Snap, the lock was broken, he was in.
I love how she's laughing at the situation.
Yeah, cos she's thinking, "That's definitely not how it panned out."
Yeah! "That's not
how it panned out at all."
You know, "You said to him it doesn't need doing,
"he said it needed doing, and I've said let's do it."
£1,250 altogether.
- What?! - SHE GASPS
- No! - How much?!
- How do you get to that much when the call-out fee was 45? - 45.
Thieving, robbing bastards!
We wanted to investigate.
- Yeah. - Come on, let's set him up.
So we secure the property and rigged it with secret cameras.
Oh, I love this. A sting.
- Is this the news? - Yes.
- It's quite a long news, isn't it? - Yeah.
But, first, we wanted to prove that this lock didn't need to be drilled.
We should be able to bypass this lock in seconds - no damage.
- By bypass, he meets break in? - Yeah.
And they're not going to show us how to do that,
cos that would be a bad idea.
DOOR RATTLES
LOCK CLICKS
Is that how quick it is?
Then we made the call.
Well, you'd snap their hand off at that, wouldn't you?
- 40 quid sounds quite reasonable. - Yeah.
- Oh. - Here we go.
You barely even examined it, mate!
SHE GASPS
No, that's naughty.
But, at this point, when he's there, going, "The price of this is 125..."
- I'd say, "Put your tools back in your van, tiger..." - Yeah.
"..and fuck off."
Butchery at its finest.
"So there you go, that's the lock ruined now."
Oh, my God! £376?!
Where's Dominic Littlewood when you need him?
- You know, he needs to be out there on the beat. - Yeah.
- Do we go now? - Yeah. - Yeah.
- Out with the camera and the microphone! - Oh, yeah! - Come on!
I love wrong'uns being caught.
- Hello. - Hello. - We're the BBC. - OK.
Why are you charging so much
for this job?
Why is it costing so much?
- "Because I'm a conman." - I know!
"Next question."
We emailed the company for further comment.
They've yet to respond, and their website has been taken down.
Oh, there's a surprise.
Yeah, but it's probably been set up under another name.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, at least Dominic Littlewood would get stuck in.
Oh, he'd have booted...
He'd have fucking kicked the wing mirror off or something.
At least!
In Blackpool...
Hey, Soph. Treated myself to a new suit.
- Oh, very nice. - Aye, yeah.
It was awkward, actually,
cos I was just chatting to the lads that were there,
you know, whose shop it is. Chris's shop.
..Pete and his little sister, Sophie.
Cos we were chatting and that,
I didn't want to get changed in the dressing room,
cos I thought it were rude. So I just got changed in the shop.
And next thing, this dude's walked in
and all I've got on is me undies and a smile.
I don't think that's right.
Well, nobody seemed to mind. That was the thing.
But it just felt a bit awkward.
Are you sure those men even work there?
Well, I would hope so!
You know, isn't there a curtain as well,
so even if you were chatting, you could just chat through the curtain?
I know, but I'd like to make eye contact when I'm speaking to people.
I bet they're... I bet the people that worked in the shop,
when you dropped your trousers, were thinking...
- "What a lad!" - .."What is happening?!" - "Phwoar!"
This week, it was the return of the raciest Regency drama on Netflix.
Ooh, I'm buzzing Bridgerton's back on.
I've been listening to mucky books lately.
Have you, you dirty bitch?
See if we get some naughty bits.
Is that all you're watching it for?
No! It's educational.
Is... Is everything well, ma'am?
Oh, everything is...perfect!
It should be perfect. It would be perfect if... Where is Benedict?
- Who's Benedict? - That's her other son.
Three guesses where he is.
- Probably shagging. Player. - Yeah.
- Oh... - Ooh...
- That butler knows exactly where Benedict is. - Exactly. - Yeah.
Please fetch my carriage.
Uh-oh.
Is she gonna go and find him?
That is a mother with purpose.
- Ooh, she's on a mission, there, in't she? - Oh...!
I've seen that walk before.
- From your mother? - Yeah.
Move!
- Here we go! - Oh, my God, what's she gonna find?!
- Oh! - Oh, my gosh! - Oh!
- Ooh-hoo-hoo! - What's she walked in on?!
I don't know!
It's a shithole!
Benedict Bridgerton!
Oh, my word!
- Whoa! - Oh-ho-ho!
It was best she just stayed out of the room.
Yeah. What was she expecting?
Draw back the curtains, it is time for my son to wake up.
No, no, no, please, please, do not!
GROANS
THEY GASP
- Oh, there's a...! - Oh, there's another one!
He's had an orgy in there, Shirl.
Fancy being caught by your mother like that.
There's always a black sheep in the family, in't there?
- Who's that, Jane? - Don't know.
I've not seen this one before. Who is she?
What you are asking me for, like I'd know?!
I can do this.
She looks as if she's nervous to go in there..
I don't think she's used to this sort of thing.
She's not giving swanky Bridgerton do, is she?
There is a large group arriving.
Just conceal yourself behind them.
Just be out by midnight.
- Oh, fucking... - Oh, she's Cinderella! - Fucking Cinderella!
Oh, God!
Out by midnight!
What, is she gonna leave her glass slipper?!
Good evening, ladies.
- Here he is. - Oh, Benedict. - The man of the hour.
Old Benedict.
Oh, he's such a ladies' man!
Mr Bridgerton, Mr Bridgerton!
Over here!
Hello.
Oh, look who he's spotted.
The unknown.
That glance across a crowded room, Shirl.
I know.
Pardon me, young lady.
Could I trouble you for the next dance?
Oh, no, missed your chance, Benedict!
Oh, that is unlucky.
- He's str... - Oh, he's in like Flynn.
- Never seen him move so quick in my life! - No.
Pardon me for interrupting,
I have just found this young lady's dance card.
But unfortunately my name is next.
- No, no! - Oh...!
- Bingo. - Smooth mover.
Oh, I am not looking for a husband.
You're not?
Oh, now she's talking his language!
- That's gonna change, as well! - Yeah!
"She's the woman for me!"
Er, excuse me, I... I'm meant to be somewhere.
Where's she going?
Oh, is it midnight already?
It can't be, she just got there.
- Have you lost your chaperone? - No, she...
Is it that we've met?
No, I-I cannot dance.
Oh, she can't dance!
Because she's not a lady!
Oh, she's common as muck, Jenny. She's common as muck.
A lady who cannot dance?
Huh!
- His mind's blown! - Yeah!
He's like, "Tick!"
She's unladylike, tick!
- She doesn't want a husband. - She doesn't want marriage.
Tick!
Later, in the garden,
we saw Benedict showing the mystery woman a few moves.
How gorgeous.
He's being really sweet and romantic with her.
What's he doing?
- Ooh, he's taking her glove off! - What for?
What's happening?
Why's he smelling her?
He's infatuated!
"Mind out, I wanna...
"I wanna get a good smell of this!"
BELL CHIMES
- Oh! - She's got to go.
- Is it 12 o'clock yet? - Oh, the chimes!
- SHE GASPS - Oh, here we go!
Oh!
That's very forward, isn't it, nutty?
Wait!
- She said, "You ain't gonna forget me, boy!" - Mm-hm!
Who is this mystery woman? I'm dying to know!
Oh, come on, take it off, tell us who you are!
We're gonna get to see her face now!
SHE GASPS
- She's one of the maids! - She's a fricking maid.
- Oh, Jane. - Mm!
This is forbidden love.
That were quite tame for Bridgerton.
That's just getting us warmed up, that. It's not even started yet.
- Just getting the juices flowing. - Yeah.
In Hull...
Hey, do you know, they listen in, you know, on these phones.
- I know they do. - Do you know summat?
- Yesterday, I was talking about potato waffles... - Oh, yeah?
..and then I went on, and potato waffles started to come on my phone.
- You're joking! - No, I swear.
..best friends Jenny and Lee.
- I did that with a barbecue. - What?!
Because Ray was talking about getting a barbecue,
and then the next minute, I was sat - it came up on my phone!
So, they hear what you're saying.
I... The next time I was sat there,
I said, "I want a six-foot man, hung like that."
Send me some of them.
And it still hasn't arrived?
No! I'm still waiting for it.
I need to talk to her more often,
- I need to talk to her more often, don't I? - Yeah.
- Six foot two, six foot two! - Yeah.
Six foot two, dark hair.
Don't want blond, dark hair.
See what pops up.
It will be Ray stood on a chair.
On Monday night,
Alan Carr was on the hunt for closet clever clogs on Channel 4.
- I've done an IQ test. - Yeah.
I did pretty well.
I got, like, 120 or something.
- I got 121, I think. - You're a liar!
- No, I'm not a liar. - You just picked one higher than me!
No, I didn't!
I swear! I'm was sure it was 121!
Across the UK,
there are estimated to be a million undiscovered geniuses.
Ooh! I wonder if I'm one of them.
- You could be a genius and not realise. - Yeah.
That's probably me.
That's me all over!
When I were a kid,
I used to know everybody's reg plate on t' estate where I lived.
- Oh, Michelle knows that! - She's a copper!
Each week, 12 people from different corners of the UK...
Complete the number sequence...
..have been invited to Genius HQ.
- OK. - Oh!
Genius HQ.
- I'd love to go to genius HQ. - Yeah! We're gonna send you in, darling.
- Please! - We're gonna line you up for this. - Get me in there!
Here, they'll compete in a series of mind-stretching games...
Where do we begin?
..designed with Mensa...
- Oh, God. - Mensa.
I've heard of Mensa.
..the society for the world's smartest people.
- I was told I wouldn't go far in life... - That's nasty.
- ..and I... - Who are these horrible people that taught you, please?
- Honestly. - Horrible bastards.
- Fuck yous all. - This is what I was told.
And you know what?
Actually, I wish I could say to them now,
"Er, hello, I work in the cheese factory!"
I'm proper smart, me.
- Oh, God... - Oh, jeez.
I would be intrigued to know what my IQ was -
but would I?
- Cos if it's really low... - I don't wanna know.
- Don't wanna know. - Better off not knowing.
- Better off burying your head in t' sand.
27-year-old Jess is the first player to face the final round.
Come on, Jess!
- Oh, Jessica's a real smart cookie. - Yeah.
Let's see how she does with this one.
- OK. - Right.
Memorise the details of this stack of Turkish delight.
Ooh, I love Turkish delight.
Turkish de-shite, more like.
I wouldn't eat that.
When you are ready, you must move on to the next room.
Your first question can be found on the jar.
OK...
I think I'd be looking at the colours, you know?
How they run, the sequence.
I'd just wanna eat the Turkish delight.
Select the jar that displays the number of cubes
in the Turkish delight tower!
How would you know that?!
How would you count them all, there?
This is about spatial reasoning.
Right, no, lost me.
How the bloody hell would you know that?
- I tell you what, it's quite hard, this, Soph. - It is.
I got a general vibe that it was definitely over 100.
- What?! - Yeah.
I'm gonna go 162.
Yeah, but there's no reasoning behind it.
Well...
I got so far, and I'm thinking,
yeah, there's a lot of Turkish delight there.
- Correct! - No way!
Bloody hell!
Damn, she's quick!
Well, I wasn't far out.
162. So, that's not bad.
Right, let's try the next one.
Jelly... Ooh, jelly...
Very good!
We're looking for a verbal sequence.
Jelly what? Jellybean...
Jelly... Jelly...
..wor...
- Jelly... - Jelly...
- ..wor... - ..wor...
..wor...worm...
- Jelly... - Jelly... Jelly worms!
What's that? 7 Becomes an L.
Oh, that's L.
It's like an L.
Oh, L... Lemon.
Lemon...
Lemon plop.
It is lemon plop!
Is it?
- Lemon drop, isn't it? - Drop! Lemon drop.
Lemon drop.
I like that.
Huh?!
Lemon drop! Not lemon plop, it's lemon drop!
What am I? Squirrel...
OK... Have you got it?
No.
Is it word, word, and then you have to add the OIC
- to make a new word? - Mm.
That is the trickiest question.
Can I look at the sweets?
How can there be an answer out of this?!
Is it liquorice?
It's not liquorice, there's no... There's no H!
There's no H in liquorice, you dickhead.
Yeah, liquor-ish.
Yes! Wow.
Liquorice?!
Well, what's liquorice got to do with a squirrel?
Well done.
That was amazing verbal reasoning.
- Well done, Jess! - She was amazing.
I can't believe it! I actually can't believe I've done it!
- That's... I'm impressed, there. - Well...! - I'll give you that.
I'm smart.
- I don't know about that. - I'm not...
Listen, remember the paddling pool?
- Do you remember the paddling pool? - Yeah.
And it said fill it with water.
- Yeah? - Uh-huh.
You filled the bit you blow up with air with water.
And then we couldn't get it up,
because now the inflatable bit was full of water.
- Do you remember that, Shaun?! - Yeah.
And you're telling us you're a fucking secret genius?
# In a perfect world
# Singing
# Ah-ah!
# In a perfect world
# In a perfect, perfect world. #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media