Adult Adam: Back in the '80s I had a lot of crappy jobs.
I worked in an ice-cream shop, an arcade, even on a film set.
And with a year off, I found myself working at a '50s diner.
There was one great perk --
I still got to perform for the dinner customers.
Watch where you're going, Biff.
Can it, Spike.
You're just sore 'cause Foxy likes me and not you.
Boys, boys, boys, boys.
Boys, no need to fight.
There's plenty of Foxy to go around.
But we always fight.
We're the Firebirds, the rebels of this town.
And we're the Varsity Club.
We're polite with adults, and we keep it above the waist.
Excuse me, I'm adorable and new in town.
Can someone tell me where the malt shop is?
You're in it.
I'm lost, too -- in your eyes.
What'sa matter, fellas?
Never seen a girl before?
Not one like this. Va-va-voom!
[ Chuckles ]
You made me drop my lucky comb.
Now I gotta take out my feelings of inadequacy
on Biff's preppy face!
Wait, Spike, maybe we don't have to rumble anymore.
I mean, we like the same things, don't we?
You mean --
Both: Girls, cars, and rock and roll!
Hit it, Rocco.
♪♪
♪ We're gonna meet some girls and make 'em scream ♪
♪♪
♪ We're gonna talk about their hopes and dreams ♪
♪♪
♪ We're gonna park at night and rock their worlds ♪
♪♪
♪ We're gonna compliment them on their pearls ♪
♪ They're gonna cruise like rockets through the night ♪
♪ They're gonna fully stop at every light ♪
♪ We're gonna stay out late, 'til after dawn ♪
♪♪
♪ We're gonna get up early and mow the lawn ♪
♪♪
♪ But on one thing they agree ♪
♪ One sim-i-lar-i-ty ♪
♪ We'd gladly sell our souls ♪
♪ For girls, cars, and rock and roll ♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪
-- Captions by VITAC --
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪
It was November 30th, 1980-something
and to no one's surprise,
Barry was crushing it at medical school.
Some of you excelled on your immunology papers.
Others of you
seemed immune to studying.
[ Laughs ]
Dr. Platz takes the driest topics
and makes them wet with humor.
But this is an opportunity to remind you
how demanding the career path you've chosen can be.
[ Laughs ]
I swear, he's got no off switch.
But for Straight-A Barry,
this exam grade was no laughing matter.
Oh, no.
So he did what he always did -- wildly overreact.
JTP and others.
All: JTP and --
Enough of your ridiculous chit chat.
Today, I received a B-minus.
A B-minus isn't so bad.
And that, Naked Robert, is why you'll forever be mediocre,
and struggle to support a wife and children.
I'm gonna have a wife and children? Sweet!
But I'll spend the next two weeks
making the necessary changes
so as not to wind up a bum, like Matt Bradley,
or worse, a chiropractor.
That seems fair.
First order of business --
I hereby disband the JTP.
Because you're slightly struggling
in med school, we can't hang out?
Not even without me.
The thought of you cavorting in my absence
is way too distracting.
When this meeting is adjourned,
you'll each be assigned different directions to walk in.
And none of them are the directions you came from.
But we live together.
Then you will fill your apartment with Japanese dividers
to only see each other's silhouettes
as you rush to and from the fridge.
Creative and virtually impossible.
You're off to a great start here, babe.
Geoff and Erica, regretfully, I will not be seeing you
during this intense period of study.
Oh, my heart's heavy, Bar. I'm good with it.
Baby Muriel, I won't be available for the interactions
that bond us as uncle and girl-nephew.
But to the extent that I care,
which is slightly above not at all,
is Joanne also getting the gift
of not seeing you for two weeks?
Bite your tongue, sister.
Joanne is my sleepy-time companion.
[ All gag ]
Yay, graphic details of my sister's robust intimate life.
And I'll require silence in this house.
It is way too loud and chaotic!
That's 100% because of you.
Bar, maybe we should spend
the next two weeks at my parents' house.
Yeah, their bland personalities and drab home
will be way less distracting.
And Lou is sort of a doctor,
so he'll understand my delicate needs.
Our dad's an actual doctor.
He's an eye doctor.
That's the chiropractor of the face.
Meeting adjourned.
As Barry was hunkering down in his studies,
I was cleaning up at the diner.
You need to put a little bit more elbow grease on that.
Oh, I'm not trying to clean it.
I'm just trying to look busy until my shift ends.
Wow. You are management material.
[ Chuckles ]
So, you got any plans?
I do.
Hone my craft at NYU Film School,
jump into indies and low budget stuff,
and ultimately create summer blockbusters
that make more money than sense.
I meant tonight, like, after work.
Of course you did.
And again, it's a yes.
Tuesdays have become movie night with my old lady.
You have a girlfriend?
Older lady. My mom.
Oh, well, that's too bad
'cause we're all going out to TJ O'Funn's.
[ Breathes sharply ] You should come.
Sorry, previously engaged.
To be clear, I'm not engaged to my mom.
Lovely gal, but not for me.
Okay. You have fun.
[ Door creaks ]
Whoa, it was awesome
how uncomfortable that was, Goldnerd.
I savored every gross moment.
What are you talking about?
Carmen clearly likes you, bro.
No way! Women don't pursue me.
Look we can all agree she must be totally broken in the head,
but it seems to be real.
So the only question is -- do you like her?
Carmen, who when I make eye contact with,
I blush like a harvest apple?
Yeah, there's a fondness.
Then you should totally come out with us tonight.
I would, but Tuesday nights are for my mom.
As are Fridays, Sundays and cuddle-fest Thursdays.
She calls me her warmest blanket.
Seriously, bro, are you a child?
No, although I still go to a pediatrician,
but that's just because he knows my body better than anyone.
Just tell your mommy that something came up
and you'll do weird stuff with her next time.
Good advice, hurtfully delivered.
Hey, Carmen, I was wondering,
are those plans still on the table?
Totally. Be there or be square.
Oh, I think I'm gonna prove to you that I can do both. Oh.
I was fully in on plans with my work friends.
All I had to do was break the news to my mom.
Mama, I'm not going to be able to see
"Endless Love" with you tonight.
What?! [ Sighs ]
That's the quintessential mother-son movie.
It's certainly an unsettling description of that saucy film.
I'm sorry, but I made some plans with my pals from work.
And their parents are okay with them roving around town
like a bunch of sailors on shore leave?
They're 20, and it's dinner at a chain restaurant
in the lobby of the Sheraton.
You have been wanting to find
the lad some same-aged compadres.
Wait.
You guys discuss my social life?
You're one of our favorite subjects.
That, and Ginzy's impossibly green lawn.
What is she doing that I'm not?
And why is she such a [bleep] about it?
You know what, Adam?
Go. Have fun with your friends.
Thank you for recognizing that I'm not a child anymore.
Also, may I have $20 for dinner?
I'm saving up my work money
for a Skyhammer Ultra Pretender Transformer.
While I was planning to head out on the town,
Barry was settling in at the Schwartzes'.
A study treat for Barry?
He's under so much pressure.
He couldn't choose a flavor, so he said,
"Just make one with all the fruits."
Well, our children and grandchild
spend so much time at the Goldbergs',
I guess it's nice to have one of theirs for a change.
Even if it's not the one anyone really wanted.
[ Chuckles ]
Here is your pie.
Oh, heavens, your feet are on the table, yeah,
in the exact same spot that I eat and pray.
Sorry, Linda, but my big brain only works
when my little piggies are happy.
What happened to my horse figurines?!
Yeah. We got rid of them.
They were staring right at me.
Barry doesn't get along with horses or zebras.
They're the horses of Africa.
Zebras are nothing like horses.
This is madness.
While Barry was proving to be a difficult guest,
I was feeling right at home with my work friends.
Look at us, sipping drinks on a weeknight
like we're in Barcelona.
Okay, you two, beat it.
Johnny out.
Byeee.
Whoa, that was abrupt.
Is it because Johnny burped
the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"?
[ Chuckles ] Well, that and so that
it would be just you and me.
Interesting. [ Both chuckle ]
And it was.
Alone with a girl I liked?
This would require a few drinks, so we drank.
My new prescription is fun!
[ Both laugh ]
Wait, these are actually helping.
You are not like other guys I meet.
But I can change.
Give me a list of their attributes.
I'll get to work. [ Both laugh ]
We drank a lot.
It was a night I'd never forget,
except for how I got here.
Hey.
[ Breathes deeply ]
Oh, where am I?
[ Chuckles ] You crashed on my couch.
Without my bedtime milk?
Apparently. Oh, balls!
Did anything happen?
Yeah, we robbed like six banks.
Oh, my God! What?!
[ Laughs ]
We smooched on the couch a little,
and then you passed out.
Oh, well,
I am profoundly sorry for my ungentlemanly deeds.
Don't be. I had fun.
Okay, but I should go.
My mom tends to worry.
Yeah, her name came up an uncomfortable amount.
I just had to sneak back home
before my mom knew what happened.
How hard could that be?
Turns out, pretty hard.
Excuse me, sir.
Sir, you need to come with me.
Is there a law against taking a morning stroll
in the same pants, shirt, and unmentionables
you wore the night before?
I'm not here to arrest you.
I'm here for the reward. Reward?
♪♪
Oh, my God.
You're the "baby angel"
who was "stolen from her breast," right?
You know I am.
Let's just ride.
I knew my mom was worried that I was out all night,
but maybe we could discuss it like reasonable people.
Where in the [bleep] were you?
Ooh, coming in hot but deserved.
Why is my high school guidance counselor here?
When will you acknowledge that I have transitioned
from scholastic acquaintance to top-tier family friend?
I aged years last night worrying about you,
though you would never know it because of my fabulous skin.
It's like a fine Dutch porcelain. Thank you.
Would "just a guidance counselor"
say something that personal?
I don't think so.
Look, I'm really sorry that you were worried.
I should have called. The night got away from me.
Well, that makes everything okay.
And that is sarcasm as only a close friend would recognize.
And may I ask where you slept?
I have the same question.
At Carmen's.
And what did Carmen's parents have to say about that?
She lives alone.
Oh, Carmen lives alone,
like the bawdy heroine of a Danielle Steel novel.
No supervision,
just Sodom and Gomorrah over at Carmen's place!
It's actually a -- a pleasant one-bedroom.
And that's the last time you're ever gonna be
in that den of sin,
because I forbid you from ever speaking to Carmen again.
A line in the sand.
You can't forbid me from seeing her.
We work together.
That harlot is leading you astray.
It's none of your business, but we just kissed.
Ugh! I don't need a recap of the "The Blue Lagoon."
Mom, come on.
I'm almost 20.
I don't care if you're almost 90.
If you're living under my roof, you will live by my rules.
Maybe I'll live under Carmen's roof!
She has way too much wicker for a young person,
but I'll make do!
I had no interest in listening to my mom,
but Joanne wanted to hear some relationship advice from Geoff.
Got a sec? Sure.
I'm just putting some new laces on Erica's favorite boots.
Really? She asked you to do that?
Oh, I just do it before she has to ask.
It's much better for everyone that way.
That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.
Is it me, or is it sometimes
hard to be in a relationship with a Goldberg?
Sometimes? [ Laughs ]
Shut the door.
[ Sighs ] Barry's been staying with me,
and Mom and Dad, and it's been --
Difficult? Tricky? A minefield?
Yes! We're trying to help him,
but nothing we ever do is good enough.
Goldberg children were raised to believe
that the entire world revolves around them.
And it is our job as their significant other
to reinforce that belief every day.
Here's a fun way to think about it.
Why does this house have so many chalkboards?
FISS? Is that a new cola that'll put Barry to sleep?
It's the acronym that every Goldberg significant other
must live by --
flatter, inflate their ego, serve their every need,
and spoil them, just like they're used to.
I'm not sure I can or should do all of that.
Oh, believe me, if you put your mind to it, you can FISS.
You may not take as much joy in FISS-ing as I do,
but that's because I was born to FISS.
You'll get there. Erica: Geoff!
Yo, those boots almost done?
Uh, yes, my combustible flower.
I'm so sorry for the delay.
It's just I was talking to my sister,
but it won't happen again.
Cool, cool.
While Joanne realized she needed to stay one step
ahead of Barry's needs,
my mom was trying to stay ahead of my love life.
Adam, thank God you're okay.
Brea, what are you doing here?
I rushed here when I heard about the accident. What accident?
Your mom said you were in a horrible car wreck
and it was touch and go.
Oh, no, Brea, you must have misheard me.
See, when Adam was four, I was driving him to preschool,
and we got in a little fender bender.
That is not at all what you said.
Words, huh?
They mean different things to different people.
Anyway, you're here now,
so why don't you two reconnect over some blondies?
Mom, did you drag Brea all the way down here to see me?
"All the way down here"? Don't be so dramatic.
Providence is practically next door.
It was 6 1/2 hours by bus,
next to an asthmatic man who kept passing out on me.
Exactly, easy breezy, guy was wheezy.
[ Chuckles ]
You guys used to like to watch movies, right?
"Goonies," "Say Anything," ooh, "Weekend at Bernie's," --
the lead actor is a dead human being.
[ Laughs ] Comedy!
Mom, you have crossed a line from which there is no return!
What do you mean, Schmoo?
I just happened to call your ex Brea,
who I have always adored, by the way.
You made me sit alone at Thanksgiving.
You called it the Brea table.
I thought you'd like your own table, Princess.
[ Chuckles ] Well, the point is,
you and Adam were made for each other.
I finally see it now.
You're just pulling out all the stops
'cause you don't want me with Carmen.
Carmen?
A girl I'm kinda seeing at work.
And somehow it gets even more awkward.
So I did a little bit of matchmaking.
But look at how adorable Brea is.
You were in love with her before.
Why don't you just jump right back on that bike, huh?
Lucky me, I'm the bike here.
Get this through your head --
if you don't start treating me like an adult,
you and I are finished.
♪♪
I don't think this was the best use of my midterm week.
While I laid down the law with my mom,
Joanne was trying to step up her support of Barry,
starting with flattery.
Ooh! There's my super-smart fella,
getting his immunology on.
You're in my light.
And what'd I say about clomping around in such loud shoes?
I'm barefoot. Around this place?
Yuck.
She tried inflating his ego.
Congratulations,
you are Medical School Student of the Month,
which is totally a real thing.
Great, just put it over there
where the others will eventually go.
She tried serving him.
Six different types of salami, just like you requested.
I requested seven.
They were out of capicola. What?
At least tell me they had all five of the cheeses I asked for.
No Havarti. It's not a party without Havarti.
I have to walk this off.
And she tried spoiling him.
Okay. I washed your car, I brushed your hair,
and I whispered, "You're a champion," in your ear.
Fanning isn't working. I'm still slightly dewy.
You could take your sweater off.
It would take too long. Linda!
May I trouble you for a freshly brewed iced tea
and three Popsicles?!
Sorry, Barry, but Lou and I have to suddenly go away.
Where are you going?
We'll think of somewhere in the car.
No one can live like this. Go, go, go, go, go.
Ah, just as well.
I don't think they knew how distracting they were. [ Door opens, closes ]
With that, Joanne finally had enough.
You know what?
You suck.
What?
All I've done is try to help you,
but you just keep demanding more.
You've chased my parents away,
and all you think about is yourself.
Joanne, you know I'm going through a difficult time.
What if I can't make it in med school
and don't become a top-ranked surgeon?
Barry, that doesn't give you the right to be awful.
You know what? Go FISS yourself.
♪♪
My mom finally understood that she'd pushed me too far
about Carmen, and she was determined to make it right.
Oh, hello, Carmen.
Oh, you must be Beverly.
How did you know? Adam described you.
You are pretty unmistakable.
Yes, yes. I am a blonde bombshell.
[ Chuckles ] His words probably.
Uh, he's in the back. I'll go get him.
Oh, actually, I wanted to speak to you.
Speak to me?
Adam was right, he is an adult man with adult needs.
O-kay.
Therefore, the two of you are welcome to use our home
whenever you like as your love nest.
Oh, boy.
There's a working Jacuzzi in the basement.
It takes about 4 hours to properly heat.
I don't need to know this.
The weekend of the 16th,
I will be in Delaware at a sweater expo.
You might want to circle those dates in your calendar.
Why would I -- We're not big drinkers,
but in the garage there are wine coolers,
Chablis... Oh.
...beer with a blue ribbon on it signifying quality. Mnh.
Please help yourselves
to whatever would set an adult mood.
I'm rarely uncomfortable, but -- Oh!
There's a baby living in our house,
so I would ask that you keep the sounds of your passion
down to a reasonable volume.
Okay, that's enough.
Um, Adam is a very sweet guy,
but we're just getting to know each other.
That's all that's going on. I see.
I know I'm not the one to tell you this,
but if Adam was in college right now,
he would be meeting new people, trying new things,
even making mistakes,
and you would not be there for any of that.
So what are you saying? I'm saying,
if you want to continue having a relationship
with your son into adulthood, you gotta give him some space.
♪♪
You make some [sighs] good points.
I'm pretty smart for someone who skipped college.
You skipped college?
I'm gonna go.
Oh, my dear God.
Carmen had given my mom a lot to think about.
And Barry was still thinking about how badly
he'd messed up with Joanne.
Hey.
What's wrong? Another bad grade?
[ Sighs ] Yeah.
I'm failing as a boyfriend.
Yeah, I get it.
I know I could be better to Geoff sometimes.
Did Mom just raise us to be the worst?
No. Mom made us the center of her universe
and always put our needs first.
The only problem is that we kind of grew up
expecting everyone else in the world
to treat us the way that she does.
Well, you're the center of Geoff's universe.
There's nobody like Geoff.
God bless him, he wakes up thinking
about how to make my life better.
You're pretty lucky.
The luckiest.
But one day the dam might break
and he'll have a full meltdown,
which will cause me to face some difficult truths about myself,
but until then, I got it pretty good.
Yeah, but Joanne's not like that.
No she's not.
She's a tough cookie.
But trust me, when you're with a Schwartz,
you do not want to lose them.
[ "Something About You" plays ]
I think I finally get it.
Good.
Now tell Geoff to get in here.
I gotta tell that sexy dork how much I love him.
Love can take many forms.
Sometimes it's about giving people space.
Got a sec?
I guess.
♪ How... ♪
[ Sighs ] A wise person has told me
I've been too controlling with my very adult son.
That person makes a lot of sense.
♪ ...fashioned by fate could suffer so hard? ♪
Look, I know I've said this before,
but I am gonna try to back off a little.
I would appreciate that,
but it is also nice to know how much you care.
And I'll never stop.
But to that end, uh, the next time you're gonna be late...
I'll call. You better.
♪ Is it so wrong to be human after all? ♪
Other times, it's just about showing
how much you appreciate them.
What's all this?
You guys tried so hard to help,
it's the least I can do.
But don't you have to study?
Ah, it can wait.
My whole life, being a doctor
was the most important thing to me,
but then I met you.
♪ We're only human after all ♪
♪ Oh, these changing years ♪
Let's eat. [ Chuckles ]
But one thing that's as true now
as it was in the '80s [Chuckling] and the '50s...
[ Chuckles ]
...is that if you have people around you
who give you what you need...
Wait, no, w-wait. What?
Sit.
...you're never fully on your own.
♪ Because there's something about you, baby, so right ♪
Adam, do you know how I got in here just now?
You walked. Yes, but first I used this.
I'm pretty sure it was unlocked.
Well, I could've used this.
Do you know what this is?
A key to the Goldberg home.
And why would I be entrusted with such a precious item?
I bet you're gonna tell me.
It's a token of my place
as the unspoken official member of your family.
Let's emphasize the unspoken part.
I was at all your graduations, Erica's wedding reception,
and when baby Muriel came home from the hospital,
who was the 13th person to hold her?
Someone who loves to interrupt a man's breakfast?
John Latifa Glascott, the permanent holder
of the golden key of trust.
Ah! There's my emergency spare.
Ginzy's back home from vacation, so it's hers again.
Rats and mice! I was so close.
[ Sighs ]
I'm taking an orange.