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Back in the '80s,
my mom was famous
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00:00:03,351 --> 00:00:04,787
for always getting her way.
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00:00:04,961 --> 00:00:06,832
She bulldozed everyone,
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teachers, store employees,
even her own friends.
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00:00:10,532 --> 00:00:12,795
But my mom's arm-twisting
was about to get tested
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00:00:12,969 --> 00:00:14,579
when those friends
became family.
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Erica!
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I need to get a head count
for Thanksgiving dinner.
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Is your mother around?
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26 1/2 pounds
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is a lot heavier
than you think.
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- Oof.
- Where do you buy
a bird that big?
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Oh, I've had this gobbler
since he was a chick.
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I'd hand-feed him
peanut butter, corn,
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and pasta carbonara
every day
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until my relentless
forced-gorging did what it do.
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"My name was Popcorn."
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That's so dark.
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The dark meat
is the juiciest.
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Sorry to interrupt
your pet's murder,
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but I thought I was hosting
Thanksgiving this year.
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Well, that doesn't
sound right, so it isn't.
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And I'm already
three hours into
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a 15-hour
seasoning process.
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So? I made little menus
with a calligraphy pen.
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She calls yams "yums."
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That was actually
my contribution.
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That's not the brag
you think it is.
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00:00:58,362 --> 00:00:59,581
And, Mom,
Linda clearly thought
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she was doing
Thanksgiving this year.
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She can still be a part
of the festivities.
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I need help with the bird.
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You will be scooping out
Popcorn's giblets.
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Giblets are not as cute
as the name implies.
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Just a butt
full of guts.
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I suggest putting down
a beach towel,
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'cause this juicy Johnny's
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gonna leak
something fierce.
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Okay. Thank you.
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Mom, you can't just
steal Thanksgiving.
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It's Linda's turn.
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Oh, Linda.
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You know, I just hate
seeing your pruney little face
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more wrinkled and sad
than usual,
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so what about this?
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You can have
your own holiday.
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The hell does that mean?
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It means we'll all
get together
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and have a thing
at Linda's house.
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- A "thing"?
Yeah.
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We'll call it Linda Day.
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Ooh, Linda Day.
That sounds fun.
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Maybe it'll be
a completely
random gathering,
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at your house,
at your expense,
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anytime within the next
six to nine months.
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What are we celebrating?
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I don't know, Linda.
It's your day.
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The least you can do is figure
out why we should care.
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Also, heads up,
I can't make it.
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We didn't even
settle on a date.
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I'm worried about
feeding 20 people right now.
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Perhaps you'd know
what that's like
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if you'd ever planned
a Thanksgiving.
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So, come on.
Go.
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- Ahh! I-It's heavy!
- I'll help you, Mama.
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Giblet juice!
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00:02:04,472 --> 00:02:05,821
Oh, it's dripping
in my moccasins.
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Tilt that hole up!
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♪ I'm twisted up inside
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♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say
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♪ I don't know the future
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♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪
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It was Thanksgiving week,
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00:02:22,664 --> 00:02:24,883
1980-something,
and Pop-Pop dropped
by our house early
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with a surprising plus-one.
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I'm sorry, ma'am.
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You must have found him
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wandering aimlessly
in the street.
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We'll take it from here.
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Your blood sugar
must be tanking, Pop-Pop.
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You're at your son's house!
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The war is long over!
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This is not
some random lady.
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This is my special friend,
Joyce.
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It's so nice
to meet you both.
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Hold on.
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There's something wrong
with your face, Pop-Pop.
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Why is your frown
curling upward?
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00:02:47,471 --> 00:02:49,691
Your eyes don't have
their characteristic
hollowness,
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00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:51,171
and they're blue?
You have blue eyes?
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00:02:51,345 --> 00:02:52,694
What color
did you think they were?
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00:02:52,868 --> 00:02:54,696
I know this isn't a color,
but "angry"?
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These boys
are hilarious.
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00:02:57,568 --> 00:02:59,527
You're blessed with
a fun-loving family.
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Yes, it's true.
I have a wonderful brood,
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in whom I have
absolutely no gripes.
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What's happening right now?
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00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:05,663
Is today Opposite Day?
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00:03:05,837 --> 00:03:07,709
Is that why the mailman
was a lady in shorts?
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I think he's dating her.
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So, Joyce,
why don't you come in
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00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:13,236
and tell us how Pop-Pop
tricked you,
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trapped you, met you?
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I had just moved in
a few doors down,
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00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:20,025
and they delivered Ben's
TV Guide to me by mistake,
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and so I just
knocked on his door.
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And you took
one look at him
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and said, "More, please"?
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Walk us through
your flawed thinking.
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Okay, you scamps.
Cool it.
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I just popped over to pick up
my tennis racket I left here.
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I have to retrieve it.
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What, to shake at
the neighborhood kids
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as they joyfully
ride their bikes by?
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No, to play tennis.
Joyce and I are gonna
knock a few around.
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What's so funny?
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This guy?
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Tennis? This guy?
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I'll just get my ball-whacker
so we can go.
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Oh.
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My, uh, firstborn son,
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in whom
I have great pride.
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Come,
meet my new lady friend.
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New lady friend?
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You don't have any friends
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or ladies or anything new,
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but what the heck.
Hi!
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It's such a joy
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to meet Ben's
beautiful family.
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I'll go
- pull the car around.
- Right.
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00:04:03,678 --> 00:04:05,941
Pop-Pop, what is
a gentle and kind lady
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00:04:06,115 --> 00:04:08,030
doing with, you know,
this?
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She enjoys
my sparkling personality
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and thinks
I'm a family man.
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So you lied to her?
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Big time.
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I got a good reason.
I love her shape.
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She's gonna see right
through you when you try
and play tennis today.
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I'm way ahead of you
on that one.
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I'm gonna
twist my ankle before
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and then we're gonna go
make out in her Buick.
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Why?
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00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:24,916
Old people
don't deserve happiness.
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All right, I haven't been
exactly forthright with her,
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but we're happy.
Now, come on. I need this.
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Well, it doesn't concern me,
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so...
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Great, because I'm gonna
bring her to Thanksgiving,
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and I need you guys
to keep up the ruse.
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00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:39,061
While Pop-Pop
was trying to get us not
to spill the beans,
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my sister was trying
to mop up my mom's mess.
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Well, I got rid of
the Thanksgiving cornucopia
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that I grew in my garden.
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Just like the trampoline
that you kids never use.
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- Think your mom's upset?
- Yeah, such a waste.
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But one scary bounce
on that bad boy and I
was like, "Not for moi."
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Not the trampoline.
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00:04:55,904 --> 00:04:58,036
The fact that my mom
stole Thanksgiving
from your mom
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and she just
let it happen.
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Just letting it happen
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is my family's way
of dealing with your mother
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and your whole family,
to be honest.
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That ends now.
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00:05:06,131 --> 00:05:07,698
Linda, we're taking
back Thanksgiving.
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Oh, no, thank you.
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I like that it was
stolen from me last-minute.
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Keeps me on my toes,
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and my doctor says
I need to stand more.
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Doesn't it bother you
that my mom
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bulldozes her way
to whatever she wants?
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Well, there is one worry.
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She will keep us
from spending time with you
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and, eventually,
our grandkids.
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She totally will.
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And not just holidays,
every day.
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You may never see them.
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00:05:28,763 --> 00:05:30,417
Do you remember when
she borrowed your hand mixer?
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00:05:30,591 --> 00:05:32,636
Oh, no. I can't have pancakes
or grandchildren?
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00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:34,638
Yeah, you're overreacting,
but there is a way.
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00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:36,205
See, Beverly Goldberg
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00:05:36,379 --> 00:05:38,294
only respects power
and confidence.
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00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:40,340
I only have one of those.
I mean none.
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Nothing's ever
gonna change
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until you face her
and don't back down.
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- I don't know.
- I do.
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You are strong,
you are powerful,
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00:05:48,870 --> 00:05:50,350
and you deserve
what's yours.
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Now, go take back
your damn holiday.
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I can, and I will.
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00:05:53,831 --> 00:05:55,398
I'm sorry!
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00:05:55,572 --> 00:05:57,487
Apology not accepted!
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You want to take Thanksgiving
from Linda, fine.
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00:06:00,403 --> 00:06:01,883
But just know that
if you go through with this,
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00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:03,101
you won't be
celebrating it with me.
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Excuse me?
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00:06:04,799 --> 00:06:06,017
You heard me.
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00:06:06,191 --> 00:06:07,889
I will be celebrating
at the Schwartzes',
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00:06:08,063 --> 00:06:10,239
and you will enjoy
a lonely Thanksgiving
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00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:11,936
without your original
schmoopy-poo.
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00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:14,112
- You wouldn't.
- Try me.
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00:06:14,286 --> 00:06:16,288
It was a standoff,
but my sister knew
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00:06:16,463 --> 00:06:18,639
my mom would never risk
a Schmoo-less Thanksgiving.
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00:06:18,813 --> 00:06:20,380
- Fine!
- Yes!
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00:06:20,554 --> 00:06:21,903
And since you won't
be needing it, Beverly,
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00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:23,121
I'll be taking
that turkey.
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00:06:23,295 --> 00:06:24,035
So be it.
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00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:27,952
Here you go.
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00:06:29,563 --> 00:06:30,520
You have to
let it go.
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00:06:30,694 --> 00:06:32,827
You're right.
Here you go.
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00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:35,830
As Erica tried
to wrestle Thanksgiving back
from my mom,
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00:06:36,004 --> 00:06:38,049
Barry and I were pinning down
a plan of our own.
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00:06:38,223 --> 00:06:39,921
Dad,
- we got a question.
Not now.
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00:06:40,095 --> 00:06:41,401
There's a guy who
kind of looks like Pat Sajak
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00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:42,706
on America's Most Wanted.
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00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,143
We were thinking,
if Pop-Pop insists on us
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00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:48,059
helping him mislead Joyce
into thinking he's a nice guy,
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00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:49,452
we should get something
out of it.
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00:06:49,626 --> 00:06:50,888
Like a lifetime
of love and respect?
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00:06:51,062 --> 00:06:52,499
More like 20 bucks.
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00:06:52,673 --> 00:06:55,197
So you're gonna extort
your grandfather?
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00:06:55,371 --> 00:06:57,155
Fine.
Just leave me out of it.
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00:06:57,329 --> 00:06:59,549
We've come to visit
and whatnot.
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00:06:59,723 --> 00:07:00,942
There's where we get
all our wisdom!
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00:07:01,116 --> 00:07:03,161
Hey!
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00:07:03,335 --> 00:07:04,685
We missed you,
cherished grandpappy.
226
00:07:04,859 --> 00:07:06,034
Look how much
they love you.
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00:07:06,208 --> 00:07:07,775
Yeah, that was nice.
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00:07:07,949 --> 00:07:09,559
And embracing me,
that was... welcome.
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00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,996
Physical affection
comes naturally to him.
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00:07:12,170 --> 00:07:13,476
Speaking of
his generosity,
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00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:15,347
Pop-Pop, are we gonna
play the gobble-gobble game?
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00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:16,740
The gobble-gobble game?
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00:07:16,914 --> 00:07:18,438
You know,
our Thanksgiving tradition
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00:07:18,612 --> 00:07:19,917
of handing us
your wallet
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00:07:20,091 --> 00:07:21,397
and letting us gobble up
any money we find inside.
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00:07:21,571 --> 00:07:22,964
That is so sweet.
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00:07:23,138 --> 00:07:24,748
Is it? Is it?
238
00:07:24,922 --> 00:07:25,836
Now, gobble-gobble,
old man.
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00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:27,272
Sure. Sure.
Here, gobble-gobble.
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00:07:29,144 --> 00:07:30,580
Four bucks?
Aren't you an adult?
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00:07:30,754 --> 00:07:32,190
I don't like
carrying cash.
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00:07:32,364 --> 00:07:34,018
There's greasers
and doo-woppers
in my neighborhood.
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00:07:35,411 --> 00:07:36,499
We're gonna
inherit nothing.
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00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:38,370
Murray,
what about you?
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00:07:38,545 --> 00:07:40,677
Do you have any Thanksgiving
traditions with your dad?
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00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:41,765
Well, let me think.
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00:07:41,939 --> 00:07:43,463
Uh... no.
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00:07:43,637 --> 00:07:45,116
I'm sorry.
Did I say something wrong?
249
00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:46,683
No, no, no.
Everything is peachy.
250
00:07:46,857 --> 00:07:48,119
That's Murray's
dry sense of humor.
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00:07:48,293 --> 00:07:49,599
He's--
He's my funny boy.
252
00:07:49,773 --> 00:07:51,209
Whatever this is,
I hate it.
253
00:07:51,383 --> 00:07:53,690
We have a lot of
- Thanksgiving traditions.
- Oh, yeah?
254
00:07:53,864 --> 00:07:55,300
We watch
the football game together.
255
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:56,780
You mean you made me
go in my room
256
00:07:56,954 --> 00:07:58,347
and listen to it
on the radio.
257
00:07:58,521 --> 00:08:00,088
So we could
compare experiences after.
258
00:08:00,262 --> 00:08:01,742
And after the game,
you'd go for your cigar walk.
259
00:08:01,916 --> 00:08:03,395
Well, sure.
260
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,049
I couldn't smoke around
Prince Murray and his asthma.
261
00:08:05,223 --> 00:08:07,487
Another possibility?
You're a liar.
262
00:08:07,661 --> 00:08:08,313
And you were
an annoying kid.
263
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,228
And there it is,
264
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:11,969
anger, yelling,
and pettiness,
265
00:08:12,143 --> 00:08:14,145
your real
Thanksgiving tradition.
266
00:08:14,319 --> 00:08:16,844
You know what?
I-I think I should go.
267
00:08:17,018 --> 00:08:18,019
No, wait, Joyce.
No, no.
268
00:08:18,193 --> 00:08:19,194
We're just
having fun here.
269
00:08:19,368 --> 00:08:20,543
Yeah, but I'm not.
270
00:08:22,763 --> 00:08:24,025
How could you
mess this up for me?
271
00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:26,157
You had years
to play the loving dad.
272
00:08:26,331 --> 00:08:27,594
You messed that up
all on your own.
273
00:08:30,727 --> 00:08:32,468
It's probably
for the best.
274
00:08:32,642 --> 00:08:34,383
Joyce's eyes were,
like, all over me.
275
00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:35,993
While Pop-Pop's lie
was exposed,
276
00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:37,908
my mom was hoping
a covered dish
277
00:08:38,082 --> 00:08:39,867
would keep her in
the Thanksgiving spotlight.
278
00:08:40,041 --> 00:08:41,216
- Hello, Bev.
- Linda.
279
00:08:41,390 --> 00:08:42,826
I thought
I would drop off
280
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,828
my triple-cheese
shrimp au gratin
281
00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:47,004
so there's
something decent to eat.
282
00:08:47,178 --> 00:08:48,005
Just bring it
in the kitchen!
283
00:08:48,179 --> 00:08:48,876
Erica?
284
00:08:49,877 --> 00:08:51,487
The hell's this?
285
00:08:51,661 --> 00:08:54,055
I'm helping Linda
with Thanksgiving prep.
286
00:08:54,229 --> 00:08:56,666
Creamy sweet peas,
Lou's favorite.
287
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,363
Oh, are those
matching aprons?
288
00:08:58,538 --> 00:08:59,843
Two peas in a pod.
289
00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:05,588
While she
may not have been cooking
Thanksgiving dinner,
290
00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:07,111
watching Erica and Linda
bond in the kitchen...
291
00:09:07,285 --> 00:09:08,548
I have to go.
292
00:09:08,722 --> 00:09:11,333
...made my mom boil over.
293
00:09:11,507 --> 00:09:13,248
But thankfully,
there was someone to dish to.
294
00:09:13,422 --> 00:09:15,076
I come bearing
a seasonal candle,
neighbor.
295
00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:16,077
I've been cheated on!
296
00:09:16,251 --> 00:09:18,688
Exodus 20:14, no!
297
00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:20,647
I'd never think that Murray
would have the energy,
298
00:09:20,821 --> 00:09:22,649
let alone the desire.
299
00:09:22,823 --> 00:09:24,128
And what woman would
debase hers--
300
00:09:24,302 --> 00:09:26,304
It's Linda Schwartz!
301
00:09:26,478 --> 00:09:28,219
I always got a skank vibe
off of her.
302
00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:29,786
Murray didn't cheat on me
with Linda.
303
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:30,874
Erica did.
304
00:09:31,048 --> 00:09:33,050
Torrents of confusion.
305
00:09:33,224 --> 00:09:34,574
Please explain.
306
00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:37,402
The very fruit
of my lush giving tree
307
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,317
is out gallivanting
with another mother.
308
00:09:39,491 --> 00:09:40,797
Wait, your daughter
is hanging out
309
00:09:40,971 --> 00:09:42,320
with her
soon-to-be mother-in-law,
310
00:09:42,494 --> 00:09:44,366
and that's bad
because...
311
00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:48,196
Because it is a disgusting
display of child infidelity.
312
00:09:48,370 --> 00:09:50,764
I don't think child infidelity
is a real thing.
313
00:09:50,938 --> 00:09:52,504
It's real.
314
00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:55,159
Maybe my Thanksgivings just
aren't what they used to be.
315
00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:57,901
Cheesy shrimp au gratin.
Bleh!
316
00:09:58,075 --> 00:09:59,337
That's not gonna keep her
coming home to Mama.
317
00:09:59,511 --> 00:10:00,643
Fudge and crackers!
318
00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:02,950
Thanksgiving's at
the Schwartzes'?
319
00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:04,604
My candle was an attempt
to snag an invite
320
00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:06,083
to your Turkey Day.
321
00:10:06,257 --> 00:10:08,129
Why can't there be
two Thanksgivings?
322
00:10:08,303 --> 00:10:10,174
Wait a minute.
323
00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:11,698
Clear out
your Wednesday.
324
00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:13,569
You're invited to a nosh.
325
00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:15,310
Hot damn!
The candle worked.
326
00:10:15,484 --> 00:10:16,746
It's perfect.
327
00:10:19,923 --> 00:10:22,186
After my dad had blown
Pop-Pop's cover with Joyce,
328
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:24,711
he was back to
his sad bachelor ways.
329
00:10:24,885 --> 00:10:26,843
I told you girls already,
330
00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:28,932
I don't want anything
from Samoa,
331
00:10:29,106 --> 00:10:30,151
especially a cookie.
332
00:10:30,325 --> 00:10:31,892
Pop-Pop, open up!
333
00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:32,719
It's us.
334
00:10:35,939 --> 00:10:37,680
We feel really bad
about any part we had
335
00:10:37,854 --> 00:10:39,160
in your break-up
with Joyce.
336
00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:40,901
I was alone for decades
before Joyce.
337
00:10:41,075 --> 00:10:42,511
I'll be alone
for decades after.
338
00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:44,034
Don't say that.
339
00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:45,383
There are other women
out there.
340
00:10:45,557 --> 00:10:47,385
Not like Joyce.
She was perfect.
341
00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:49,387
Nice figure, she didn't think
she was better than me,
342
00:10:49,561 --> 00:10:51,389
and she lived within
a 50-foot radius.
343
00:10:51,563 --> 00:10:52,739
Why don't you try
and win her back?
344
00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:54,523
Win her back?
She's not an object.
345
00:10:54,697 --> 00:10:56,264
She's
a smoking-hot broad
346
00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:57,613
with a caboose that
never stops chugging.
347
00:10:57,787 --> 00:10:59,528
- Caboose?
- Oh, ignoring that.
348
00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:00,703
We'll help you.
349
00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:02,487
Barry and I
have a rich history
350
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,141
of grand,
romantic gestures.
351
00:11:04,315 --> 00:11:05,229
Guess it couldn't
make it any worse.
352
00:11:05,403 --> 00:11:06,970
That's almost
the spirit.
353
00:11:07,144 --> 00:11:08,537
You know what?
354
00:11:08,711 --> 00:11:10,278
Let's start with
a clothing makeover.
355
00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:12,193
What's the matter
- with these?
- They're hideous!
356
00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:14,499
Time to raid
your closet.
357
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:17,154
Unfortunately,
Pop-Pop's closet wasn't
a treasure trove.
358
00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:19,591
I didn't even know they made
so many browns.
359
00:11:19,766 --> 00:11:21,898
Technically, uh,
the one on the end is russet,
360
00:11:22,072 --> 00:11:23,683
and, uh, that guy
is Yukon gold,
361
00:11:23,857 --> 00:11:25,336
and the fancy one
is yam.
362
00:11:25,510 --> 00:11:26,424
They're all named
after potatoes,
363
00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:27,948
the least sexy vegetable?
364
00:11:28,122 --> 00:11:29,558
Everyone likes a potato.
365
00:11:29,732 --> 00:11:30,472
It's a versatile tuber.
366
00:11:30,646 --> 00:11:31,734
You're a tuber, huh?
367
00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:33,083
Barry, no.
368
00:11:33,257 --> 00:11:34,781
Let's just focus on
the gesture part
369
00:11:34,955 --> 00:11:37,261
of the grand,
romantic gesture.
370
00:11:37,435 --> 00:11:38,915
Do you have any skills
that might dazzle a lady?
371
00:11:39,089 --> 00:11:40,917
I have Medicare.
- Is that a skill?
- No.
372
00:11:41,091 --> 00:11:42,310
Let's just do
what we always do,
373
00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:43,703
you stand
outside her window
374
00:11:43,877 --> 00:11:45,487
holding a boombox
over your head.
375
00:11:45,661 --> 00:11:47,141
Box?
No, that sounds expensive.
376
00:11:47,315 --> 00:11:48,664
What about this thing?
377
00:11:48,838 --> 00:11:50,405
Maybe you can sell it,
give her the money?
378
00:11:50,579 --> 00:11:52,233
Oh, my accordion!
379
00:11:52,407 --> 00:11:53,669
The ladies do go crazy
over a guy
380
00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:55,323
who's got one of those
strapped to his chest.
381
00:11:57,238 --> 00:11:58,848
Logic and judgment suggest
there's no way that's true,
382
00:11:59,022 --> 00:12:00,807
but here we go.
383
00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:01,416
I guess I can give
the old girl some squeezes,
384
00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:03,331
a few tickles.
385
00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:05,855
Please tell me you're talking
about this thing, not Joyce.
386
00:12:06,029 --> 00:12:08,031
As Pop-Pop was planning
to use his accordion,
387
00:12:08,205 --> 00:12:11,339
my mom was set to put the
Thanksgiving squeeze on Linda.
388
00:12:11,513 --> 00:12:13,036
Well, thank you all
for coming.
389
00:12:13,210 --> 00:12:15,343
I know we have a big day
tomorrow at Linda's.
390
00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:17,911
Well, tonight's get-together
is just a light Wednesday nosh
391
00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:21,131
to prep our tummies for
Linda's smorgasbord tomorrow.
392
00:12:21,305 --> 00:12:22,524
Back in a jiff.
393
00:12:22,698 --> 00:12:24,004
But the nosh wasn't so light.
394
00:12:24,178 --> 00:12:26,441
It was heavy. Very heavy.
395
00:12:26,615 --> 00:12:27,703
This is just
Thanksgiving dinner.
396
00:12:27,877 --> 00:12:28,965
Cool.
397
00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:30,184
What did you do?
398
00:12:30,358 --> 00:12:31,315
Oh, this?
399
00:12:31,489 --> 00:12:33,056
Well, it's just
a light offering
400
00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:35,624
of some coincidentally
seasonal dishes.
401
00:12:35,798 --> 00:12:37,495
I'm looking at
five gravy boats.
402
00:12:37,669 --> 00:12:39,541
The stuffing, mashed potatoes,
cornbread, and turkey
403
00:12:39,715 --> 00:12:41,238
have to drown
in something, Erica.
404
00:12:41,412 --> 00:12:42,674
I brought a candle.
405
00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:44,589
I see that it's unlit
in the corner
406
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:47,288
and someone's placed some mail
on top of it, but that's fine.
407
00:12:47,462 --> 00:12:49,072
How is this bird
somehow bigger
than the first?
408
00:12:49,246 --> 00:12:51,074
I always have a backup.
409
00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:54,861
Um, this was Wishbone.
Spirited fella.
410
00:12:55,035 --> 00:12:57,385
The last 60 seconds
of his life were chaotic.
411
00:12:57,559 --> 00:12:59,256
Are those
creamy sweet peas?
412
00:12:59,430 --> 00:13:01,084
They're triple-creamy
sweet peas.
413
00:13:01,258 --> 00:13:02,738
The secret? More cream.
414
00:13:02,912 --> 00:13:05,262
This is too far, woman.
Too far.
415
00:13:05,436 --> 00:13:07,177
Speaking of too far,
416
00:13:07,351 --> 00:13:08,875
uh, could you put some
sweet potatoes on my plate?
417
00:13:09,049 --> 00:13:11,138
It still has
some white space.
418
00:13:11,312 --> 00:13:13,401
Linda, you still have
real Thanksgiving tomorrow,
419
00:13:13,575 --> 00:13:15,316
so why don't we all
just relax
420
00:13:15,490 --> 00:13:18,449
and fill our bellies
to their physical limits?
421
00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:21,191
- Lou!
- They've got triple
the cream, Linda!
422
00:13:21,365 --> 00:13:23,454
I'm just a man!
423
00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:25,979
As my mom's
big night stole the spotlight
from Linda,
424
00:13:26,153 --> 00:13:28,459
Pop-Pop was about to
put on a show of his own.
425
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:30,505
Joyce is gonna love
your new look.
426
00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:32,550
What have you done
to my hair?
427
00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:34,552
I look like that Italian fella
on that show
428
00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:36,032
with the leather jacket
and the thumbs.
429
00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:37,773
Exactly.
An elderly Fonzie.
430
00:13:37,947 --> 00:13:39,557
And what's with
this sweater?
431
00:13:39,731 --> 00:13:41,385
Sophia Loren couldn't
fill this out.
432
00:13:41,559 --> 00:13:43,126
It was my mom's,
but don't worry.
433
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:44,301
The tag says "unisex."
434
00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:49,654
You look good.
Fine. Different.
435
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:52,179
You're gonna be great.
436
00:13:52,353 --> 00:13:54,964
So in my mom's
most normal sweater,
437
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:57,619
Pop-Pop played In Your Eyes
by Peter Gabriel,
438
00:13:57,793 --> 00:13:58,620
and he was good.
439
00:13:58,794 --> 00:14:00,056
He was really good.
440
00:14:00,230 --> 00:14:02,232
Ben, what are you doing here?
441
00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:04,365
I'm winning you back
with the squeeze-box.
442
00:14:04,539 --> 00:14:06,106
Oh, crap.
443
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,672
Until he wasn't.
444
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,893
I, uh, I can't be talking
while I...
445
00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:13,330
Ooh. My cat,
he doesn't like...
446
00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:15,158
Pop-Pop, stop.
447
00:14:15,332 --> 00:14:16,551
It's like the moans
of a ghost trapped
in our world!
448
00:14:16,725 --> 00:14:18,248
I can get back into it.
449
00:14:18,422 --> 00:14:19,728
I'm... I'm just off
by one finger.
450
00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:21,643
Oh, no. Your cat got out.
451
00:14:21,817 --> 00:14:23,688
I'll get it.
I'm good with cats.
452
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,473
We both have
adventurous natures.
453
00:14:25,647 --> 00:14:27,779
I'm sorry.
I clearly can't play
this thing.
454
00:14:27,954 --> 00:14:29,433
I mean, my hair
is all slicked back
455
00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:31,479
and they got me in this
bosomy lady's garment.
456
00:14:31,653 --> 00:14:33,829
Still, I-I appreciate
the effort. It's nice.
457
00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:35,004
Mm.
458
00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:36,614
You're nice.
459
00:14:36,788 --> 00:14:38,486
No, I'm not.
460
00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:40,183
I just made up some things
to impress you,
461
00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:42,969
and the truth is,
as a father,
I'm kind of a putz.
462
00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:44,884
I just thought
if I got lucky,
463
00:14:45,058 --> 00:14:46,102
you'd never find out.
464
00:14:46,276 --> 00:14:47,451
Ben, I don't want you
to be perfect.
465
00:14:49,018 --> 00:14:50,367
I just want you
to be yourself.
466
00:14:50,541 --> 00:14:51,542
Really?
467
00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:53,022
Really.
468
00:14:53,196 --> 00:14:54,241
This might be
a little late,
469
00:14:54,415 --> 00:14:55,285
but, uh,
you wouldn't want to go
470
00:14:55,459 --> 00:14:56,721
to a Thanksgiving dinner now,
would you?
471
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,462
You know what?
I would.
472
00:14:58,636 --> 00:15:00,421
Not every day somebody
stands outside my door
473
00:15:00,595 --> 00:15:01,291
and serenades me.
474
00:15:02,162 --> 00:15:02,902
I'll get my purse.
475
00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:08,472
And that, my boy,
is why the accordion
476
00:15:08,646 --> 00:15:11,649
is the most romantic of all
the instruments you wear.
477
00:15:11,823 --> 00:15:12,999
While Pop-Pop's heart
was full,
478
00:15:13,173 --> 00:15:14,478
everyone's bellies were, too.
479
00:15:14,652 --> 00:15:15,915
Turkey's almost done,
everyone.
480
00:15:16,089 --> 00:15:18,134
- No more!
- Are you trying
to kill us?
481
00:15:18,308 --> 00:15:20,658
Throw it in the trash,
Linda!
482
00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:22,138
I'm kind of
full myself.
483
00:15:22,312 --> 00:15:23,357
We're here.
484
00:15:24,401 --> 00:15:25,576
Linda, I have to say,
485
00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:28,231
I am so glad
you are hosting this year.
486
00:15:28,405 --> 00:15:30,320
Also, Murray will not
be able to attend.
487
00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:32,322
Something about
Thanksgiving being yesterday.
488
00:15:32,496 --> 00:15:34,324
Yep. Bev's bird
did me in, too.
489
00:15:34,498 --> 00:15:36,631
I slept
for 12 hours last night,
490
00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:38,415
instead of my usual 11.
491
00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:40,896
Maybe that can be
our new tradition, huh?
492
00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:43,290
Pre-Thanksgiving
at the Goldbergs'?
493
00:15:43,464 --> 00:15:44,769
Erica realized
she had to do something
494
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,684
to take down my mom,
495
00:15:46,858 --> 00:15:48,817
so she pulled out
her biggest weapon.
496
00:15:48,991 --> 00:15:50,862
Can you help me
set the table, Mom?
497
00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:54,518
Or, fun thought, we skip
the meal and just call it.
498
00:15:54,692 --> 00:15:57,304
Hey, yay!
Four-day weekend,
everybody.
499
00:15:57,478 --> 00:16:00,220
Oh, I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to Linda.
500
00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:01,525
Can you help me
set the table, Mom?
501
00:16:03,092 --> 00:16:04,441
I must be
in my manic phase
502
00:16:04,615 --> 00:16:06,356
because I am giddy
with anticipation.
503
00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:08,489
That's right.
Since we're
becoming family,
504
00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:10,621
I wanted to honor her
with the title of "Mom."
505
00:16:11,709 --> 00:16:13,189
Mm. This feels right.
506
00:16:15,583 --> 00:16:17,106
Linda, is this true?
507
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,630
Have you decided
that it is appropriate
508
00:16:19,804 --> 00:16:21,719
for you to be
addressed as such
by the fruit of my womb?
509
00:16:21,893 --> 00:16:23,895
Oh, Beverly.
You misheard.
510
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,767
I'm pretty sure
she said "ma'am."
511
00:16:25,941 --> 00:16:27,595
You said "ma'am,"
didn't you, Erica?
512
00:16:27,769 --> 00:16:28,857
Tell her
you said "ma'am."
513
00:16:29,031 --> 00:16:30,511
Nope, I called you
"Mom," Mom.
514
00:16:30,685 --> 00:16:32,165
And that, Mom,
515
00:16:32,339 --> 00:16:33,557
is what I will call you
from now on, Mom.
516
00:16:36,430 --> 00:16:38,475
Geoffrey, when your mother
gets back, call me "Mom."
517
00:16:38,649 --> 00:16:40,347
Finally.
Mom. Or Mommy?
518
00:16:40,521 --> 00:16:42,784
Mama? Ma?
Mammy? Momo?
519
00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:45,004
Forget it.
You make everything weird.
520
00:16:45,178 --> 00:16:47,397
Joanne, you give it a try.
521
00:16:47,571 --> 00:16:48,964
I actually call her
Linda. What if I call you
Linda? Would that work?
522
00:16:49,138 --> 00:16:50,313
Worthless.
523
00:16:50,487 --> 00:16:52,228
- Hey, Mom?
- Yes?
524
00:16:52,402 --> 00:16:54,100
Oh, I meant Linda.
525
00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:56,102
You should probably go ahead
and get used to that.
526
00:16:56,276 --> 00:16:57,451
Okay, everyone.
It's time.
527
00:16:57,625 --> 00:16:59,583
Time for what?
More drama?
528
00:16:59,757 --> 00:17:01,890
For touch football
in the yard. It's our
family tradition.
529
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:03,065
I'd like to play.
530
00:17:03,239 --> 00:17:05,154
Just so you're clear,
it's "touch."
531
00:17:05,328 --> 00:17:07,983
Just so you're clear,
I don't give a
532
00:17:10,464 --> 00:17:11,900
That Thanksgiving,
533
00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:14,207
my mom and sister prepared
for the most important
534
00:17:14,381 --> 00:17:17,123
and maybe only touch football
game of their lives.
535
00:17:17,297 --> 00:17:19,777
Mom supremacy was on the line.
536
00:17:19,951 --> 00:17:21,910
All right, enough stretching.
Let's do this.
537
00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:23,738
But I gotta
keep these hammies warm
538
00:17:23,912 --> 00:17:25,783
if I'm gonna
shake and bake.
539
00:17:25,957 --> 00:17:27,089
You know,
my height and weight
540
00:17:27,263 --> 00:17:29,265
are exactly the same
541
00:17:29,439 --> 00:17:31,963
as Texas Oiler
Earl Campbell.
542
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:33,878
Dad, please. No one knows
how to respond to that.
543
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,576
Okay,
let's pick teams.
544
00:17:35,750 --> 00:17:37,186
I, of course,
pick my mom.
545
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,667
Yes. Thank you, sweetheart.
I knew you--
546
00:17:39,841 --> 00:17:41,625
Damn it!
You mean Linda, don't you?
547
00:17:41,799 --> 00:17:43,062
Yep. And I'm gonna
scoop up Joanne, too.
548
00:17:43,236 --> 00:17:45,325
So now I'm stuck with
the Schwartz men?
549
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:46,587
How is that fair?
550
00:17:46,761 --> 00:17:48,197
And I'll be the referee
551
00:17:48,371 --> 00:17:51,766
because the tension
is palpable in the fall air.
552
00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:53,985
And so, there on
the chilly ryegrass
553
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,250
of the Schwartz backyard,
warriors faced off.
554
00:17:58,816 --> 00:18:00,688
On one side, my mom,
555
00:18:00,862 --> 00:18:03,343
determined to reclaim
her status as top mom.
556
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:05,432
And on the other, my sister,
557
00:18:05,606 --> 00:18:08,391
ready to defend her
mother-in-law at all costs.
558
00:18:08,565 --> 00:18:11,133
It was a game for the ages.
559
00:18:11,307 --> 00:18:13,353
Soon, it came down to
the final drive.
560
00:18:13,527 --> 00:18:15,746
Whichever team
scored next won,
561
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,879
and fate
set two combatants... Run!
562
00:18:18,053 --> 00:18:19,620
...on a collision course
- with history.
- No!
563
00:18:19,794 --> 00:18:20,969
Mom!
564
00:18:28,542 --> 00:18:30,457
- Linda, are you okay?
- I think so.
565
00:18:30,631 --> 00:18:32,154
My shin might be
a little bruised.
566
00:18:32,328 --> 00:18:34,591
That isn't my leg, is it?
567
00:18:34,765 --> 00:18:35,984
What the hell, Mom?
568
00:18:36,158 --> 00:18:38,073
I was caught up in the game.
I didn't mean to--
569
00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:39,335
Wreck your best friend?
570
00:18:39,509 --> 00:18:41,120
All because you lost
a stupid holiday.
571
00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:45,341
This might be
the wrong time to ask,
572
00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:47,735
is it "Linda" or "Lisa"?
573
00:18:47,909 --> 00:18:50,216
While my mom may have
seriously injured Linda,
574
00:18:50,390 --> 00:18:53,088
Pop-Pop was trying to heal
some old wounds.
575
00:18:53,262 --> 00:18:55,525
There he is,
Father of the Year.
576
00:18:55,699 --> 00:18:56,961
Just listen for a second,
clever guy.
577
00:18:58,180 --> 00:18:59,268
I shouldn't have lied.
578
00:18:59,442 --> 00:19:01,227
And yes,
I wasn't the best dad.
579
00:19:01,401 --> 00:19:03,446
Best? You're
in the bottom three.
580
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:04,665
All right,
get your licks in.
581
00:19:04,839 --> 00:19:06,362
I know I was
a miserable schmuck,
582
00:19:06,536 --> 00:19:08,538
and that's why I thought
I'd never have a lady
in my life again.
583
00:19:08,712 --> 00:19:10,627
All right,
I was lonely, okay?
584
00:19:10,801 --> 00:19:12,368
I didn't know that.
You could have told me.
585
00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:14,544
- How?
- With words!
586
00:19:14,718 --> 00:19:15,197
That's not my thing!
587
00:19:17,068 --> 00:19:18,287
Look, the point is,
588
00:19:18,461 --> 00:19:19,723
I would have done anything
to keep her around.
589
00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:22,987
Then why'd you drag her
over here?
590
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,773
You... You should have known
we'd ruin your lies.
591
00:19:25,947 --> 00:19:27,731
I don't know. Maybe
I wanted to show you all off
or something.
592
00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:33,955
You want
to watch the game?
593
00:19:34,129 --> 00:19:35,739
- Uh, together?
- Yeah.
594
00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:40,309
Oh, yeah.
595
00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,920
While my dad
and Pop-Pop looked
to change their future,
596
00:19:43,094 --> 00:19:46,010
my mom felt it was time
to apologize for the past.
597
00:19:47,577 --> 00:19:49,188
Is it okay if I sit?
598
00:19:49,362 --> 00:19:51,494
Why, so you can steal
Arbor Day or Cinco de Mayo
599
00:19:51,668 --> 00:19:53,061
or Lou and Linda's
anniversary?
600
00:19:53,235 --> 00:19:57,326
Linda, I am so sorry.
601
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:58,980
You're one of
my dearest friends.
602
00:19:59,154 --> 00:20:01,069
And you are
one of mine.
603
00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:02,679
That's why I thought
it would be so sweet
604
00:20:02,853 --> 00:20:04,159
when our families merge.
605
00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:06,770
It can be.
It will be.
606
00:20:08,685 --> 00:20:11,688
I'm just so scared
I'm gonna lose my baby to you.
607
00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:13,821
I'm scared I'm gonna lose
my baby to you.
608
00:20:14,865 --> 00:20:16,171
How about that?
609
00:20:16,345 --> 00:20:18,565
Sounds like you have
everything in common.
610
00:20:18,739 --> 00:20:20,523
I guess that makes us
pretty lucky.
611
00:20:20,697 --> 00:20:23,787
I'm the lucky one.
I get two great moms.
612
00:20:23,961 --> 00:20:25,833
♪ Sometimes...
613
00:20:26,007 --> 00:20:27,182
Are you going to be okay
with me saying that?
614
00:20:27,356 --> 00:20:28,183
Never.
615
00:20:29,489 --> 00:20:30,446
But if
it's gotta be someone,
616
00:20:30,620 --> 00:20:33,623
I'm glad it's Linda.
617
00:20:33,797 --> 00:20:35,799
As you get older, your family
dynamics will inherently
618
00:20:35,973 --> 00:20:37,584
change, shift, and evolve.
619
00:20:39,194 --> 00:20:40,500
♪ I reach out
from the inside...
620
00:20:40,674 --> 00:20:42,110
Sometimes it's to welcome new,
621
00:20:42,284 --> 00:20:43,590
completely unexpected
family members.
622
00:20:44,634 --> 00:20:46,767
♪ In your eyes...
623
00:20:46,941 --> 00:20:48,812
And sometimes,
it's to welcome friends
624
00:20:48,986 --> 00:20:50,249
who've been there all along.
625
00:20:50,423 --> 00:20:51,162
♪ I am complete
626
00:20:51,337 --> 00:20:52,599
♪ In your eyes
627
00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:54,601
♪ I see the doorway...
628
00:20:54,775 --> 00:20:56,342
When you make room
for everyone at your table...
629
00:20:56,516 --> 00:20:57,865
you'll find every day
630
00:20:58,039 --> 00:21:00,084
to be a joyous celebration.
631
00:21:03,697 --> 00:21:04,785
What's up, Mom?
632
00:21:04,959 --> 00:21:07,483
Ooh, yeah, that
still doesn't feel right.
633
00:21:07,657 --> 00:21:10,356
It's wildly uncomfortable
for everyone involved.
634
00:21:10,530 --> 00:21:12,662
There's got to be something
that speaks to our closeness.
635
00:21:12,836 --> 00:21:15,535
Mee-maw? Mamacita?
Mommers? Mommaroony?
636
00:21:15,709 --> 00:21:16,971
Mumsy? Mama-lou?
637
00:21:17,145 --> 00:21:19,321
Queen Mother?
Mamasaurus Rex?
638
00:21:19,495 --> 00:21:22,150
Mother Superior? Bahama Mama?
The Bev Train? Choo-choo.
639
00:21:22,324 --> 00:21:24,021
Big Mama?
She's a fine Mama-Jama?
640
00:21:24,195 --> 00:21:25,153
Ooh, how about
just "Beverly"?
641
00:21:25,327 --> 00:21:26,807
Sorry. None of these
are working.
642
00:21:26,981 --> 00:21:27,982
But, Mrs. Goldberg--
643
00:21:28,156 --> 00:21:28,852
Bup-bup! That's the one.