1 00:00:01,827 --> 00:00:03,177 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, my mom was famous 2 00:00:03,351 --> 00:00:04,787 for always getting her way. 3 00:00:04,961 --> 00:00:06,832 She bulldozed everyone, 4 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:10,358 teachers, store employees, even her own friends. 5 00:00:10,532 --> 00:00:12,795 But my mom's arm-twisting was about to get tested 6 00:00:12,969 --> 00:00:14,579 when those friends became family. 7 00:00:14,753 --> 00:00:16,625 Erica! 8 00:00:16,799 --> 00:00:18,757 I need to get a head count for Thanksgiving dinner. 9 00:00:18,931 --> 00:00:19,889 Is your mother around? 10 00:00:20,063 --> 00:00:21,717 [GRUNTS] 26 1/2 pounds 11 00:00:21,891 --> 00:00:23,936 is a lot heavier than you think. 12 00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:25,416 Oof.Where do you buy a bird that big? 13 00:00:25,590 --> 00:00:28,115 Oh, I've had this gobbler since he was a chick. 14 00:00:28,289 --> 00:00:30,073 I'd hand-feed him peanut butter, corn, 15 00:00:30,247 --> 00:00:32,423 and pasta carbonara every day 16 00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:35,252 until my relentless forced-gorging did what it do. [CHUCKLES] 17 00:00:35,426 --> 00:00:37,124 "My name was Popcorn." 18 00:00:37,298 --> 00:00:38,299 That's so dark. 19 00:00:38,473 --> 00:00:40,562 The dark meat is the juiciest. 20 00:00:40,736 --> 00:00:42,520 Sorry to interrupt your pet's murder, 21 00:00:42,694 --> 00:00:44,696 but I thought I was hosting Thanksgiving this year. 22 00:00:44,870 --> 00:00:46,785 Well, that doesn't sound right, so it isn't. 23 00:00:46,959 --> 00:00:48,309 And I'm already three hours into 24 00:00:48,483 --> 00:00:50,659 a 15-hour seasoning process. 25 00:00:50,833 --> 00:00:53,357 So? I made little menus with a calligraphy pen. 26 00:00:53,531 --> 00:00:54,924 She calls yams "yums." 27 00:00:55,098 --> 00:00:56,578 That was actually my contribution. 28 00:00:56,752 --> 00:00:58,188 That's not the brag you think it is. 29 00:00:58,362 --> 00:00:59,581 And, Mom, Linda clearly thought 30 00:00:59,755 --> 00:01:01,148 she was doing Thanksgiving this year. 31 00:01:01,322 --> 00:01:03,106 She can still be a part of the festivities. 32 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:04,325 I need help with the bird. 33 00:01:04,499 --> 00:01:07,676 You will be scooping out Popcorn's giblets. 34 00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:09,417 Giblets are not as cute as the name implies. 35 00:01:09,591 --> 00:01:11,071 Just a butt full of guts. 36 00:01:11,245 --> 00:01:12,768 I suggest putting down a beach towel, 37 00:01:12,942 --> 00:01:14,204 'cause this juicy Johnny's 38 00:01:14,378 --> 00:01:15,379 gonna leak something fierce. 39 00:01:15,553 --> 00:01:17,207 Okay. Thank you. 40 00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:18,469 Mom, you can't just steal Thanksgiving. 41 00:01:18,643 --> 00:01:19,296 It's Linda's turn. 42 00:01:19,470 --> 00:01:20,819 Oh, Linda. 43 00:01:20,993 --> 00:01:23,344 You know, I just hate seeing your pruney little face 44 00:01:23,518 --> 00:01:24,780 more wrinkled and sad than usual, 45 00:01:24,954 --> 00:01:26,129 so what about this? 46 00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:27,870 You can have your own holiday. 47 00:01:28,044 --> 00:01:29,132 The hell does that mean? 48 00:01:29,306 --> 00:01:30,394 It means we'll all get together 49 00:01:30,568 --> 00:01:31,656 and have a thing at Linda's house. 50 00:01:31,830 --> 00:01:33,049 A "thing"?BEVERLY: Yeah. 51 00:01:33,223 --> 00:01:34,920 We'll call it Linda Day. 52 00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:36,444 Ooh, Linda Day. That sounds fun. 53 00:01:36,618 --> 00:01:38,707 Maybe it'll be a completely random gathering, 54 00:01:38,881 --> 00:01:40,100 at your house, at your expense, 55 00:01:40,274 --> 00:01:42,102 anytime within the next six to nine months. 56 00:01:42,276 --> 00:01:43,581 What are we celebrating? 57 00:01:43,755 --> 00:01:45,453 I don't know, Linda. It's your day. 58 00:01:45,627 --> 00:01:47,890 The least you can do is figure out why we should care. 59 00:01:48,064 --> 00:01:50,197 [CHUCKLES] Also, heads up, I can't make it. 60 00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:51,589 We didn't even settle on a date. 61 00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:54,505 I'm worried about feeding 20 people right now. 62 00:01:54,679 --> 00:01:56,203 Perhaps you'd know what that's like 63 00:01:56,377 --> 00:01:57,987 if you'd ever planned a Thanksgiving. 64 00:01:58,161 --> 00:02:01,121 So, come on. [GRUNTS] Go. 65 00:02:01,295 --> 00:02:02,818 Ahh! I-It's heavy!I'll help you, Mama. 66 00:02:02,992 --> 00:02:04,298 Giblet juice! 67 00:02:04,472 --> 00:02:05,821 Oh, it's dripping in my moccasins. 68 00:02:05,995 --> 00:02:07,388 Tilt that hole up! 69 00:02:07,562 --> 00:02:09,259 ♪♪ I'm twisted up inside 70 00:02:09,433 --> 00:02:12,349 ♪♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say 71 00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:17,006 ♪♪ I don't know the future 72 00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:20,792 ♪♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪♪ 73 00:02:20,966 --> 00:02:22,490 [DOORBELL RINGS]ADULT ADAM: It was Thanksgiving week, 74 00:02:22,664 --> 00:02:24,883 1980-something, and Pop-Pop dropped by our house early 75 00:02:25,057 --> 00:02:26,581 with a surprising plus-one. 76 00:02:26,755 --> 00:02:28,148 I'm sorry, ma'am. 77 00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:29,497 You must have found him 78 00:02:29,671 --> 00:02:30,715 wandering aimlessly in the street. 79 00:02:30,889 --> 00:02:32,108 We'll take it from here. 80 00:02:32,282 --> 00:02:33,892 Your blood sugar must be tanking, Pop-Pop. 81 00:02:34,066 --> 00:02:35,633 You're at your son's house! 82 00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:37,374 The war is long over! 83 00:02:37,548 --> 00:02:39,289 This is not some random lady. 84 00:02:39,463 --> 00:02:40,899 This is my special friend, Joyce. 85 00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:42,074 It's so nice to meet you both. 86 00:02:42,249 --> 00:02:43,641 Hold on. 87 00:02:43,815 --> 00:02:45,513 There's something wrong with your face, Pop-Pop. 88 00:02:45,687 --> 00:02:47,297 Why is your frown curling upward? 89 00:02:47,471 --> 00:02:49,691 Your eyes don't have their characteristic hollowness, 90 00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:51,171 and they're blue? You have blue eyes? 91 00:02:51,345 --> 00:02:52,694 What color did you think they were? 92 00:02:52,868 --> 00:02:54,696 I know this isn't a color, but "angry"? 93 00:02:54,870 --> 00:02:57,394 These boys are hilarious. 94 00:02:57,568 --> 00:02:59,527 You're blessed with a fun-loving family. 95 00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:01,181 Yes, it's true. I have a wonderful brood, 96 00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:02,878 in whom I have absolutely no gripes. 97 00:03:03,052 --> 00:03:03,966 What's happening right now? 98 00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:05,663 Is today Opposite Day? 99 00:03:05,837 --> 00:03:07,709 Is that why the mailman was a lady in shorts? 100 00:03:07,883 --> 00:03:10,102 I think he's dating her. 101 00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:11,930 So, Joyce, why don't you come in 102 00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:13,236 and tell us how Pop-Pop tricked you, 103 00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:15,107 trapped you, met you? 104 00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:17,066 I had just moved in a few doors down, 105 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:20,025 and they delivered Ben's TV Guideto me by mistake, 106 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,245 and so I just knocked on his door. 107 00:03:22,419 --> 00:03:24,029 And you took one look at him 108 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,727 and said, "More, please"? 109 00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:27,294 [CHUCKLES] Walk us through your flawed thinking. 110 00:03:27,468 --> 00:03:30,166 Okay, you scamps. Cool it. 111 00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:31,950 I just popped over to pick up my tennis racket I left here. 112 00:03:32,124 --> 00:03:33,213 I have to retrieve it. 113 00:03:33,387 --> 00:03:34,779 What, to shake at the neighborhood kids 114 00:03:34,953 --> 00:03:36,694 as they joyfully ride their bikes by? 115 00:03:36,868 --> 00:03:38,435 No, to play tennis. Joyce and I are gonna knock a few around. 116 00:03:38,609 --> 00:03:39,480 [BOTH LAUGH] 117 00:03:39,654 --> 00:03:40,655 What's so funny? 118 00:03:40,829 --> 00:03:42,091 This guy? 119 00:03:42,265 --> 00:03:44,180 Tennis? This guy? 120 00:03:44,354 --> 00:03:46,051 I'll just get my ball-whacker so we can go. 121 00:03:46,661 --> 00:03:47,662 Oh. 122 00:03:47,836 --> 00:03:48,924 My, uh, firstborn son, 123 00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:50,969 in whom I have great pride. 124 00:03:51,143 --> 00:03:52,275 Come, meet my new lady friend. 125 00:03:52,449 --> 00:03:54,059 New lady friend? 126 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,322 You don't have any friends 127 00:03:55,496 --> 00:03:57,019 or ladies or anything new, 128 00:03:57,193 --> 00:03:58,542 but what the heck. Hi! 129 00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:00,109 It's such a joy 130 00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:01,719 to meet Ben's beautiful family. 131 00:04:01,893 --> 00:04:03,504 I'll go pull the car around.Right. 132 00:04:03,678 --> 00:04:05,941 Pop-Pop, what is a gentle and kind lady 133 00:04:06,115 --> 00:04:08,030 doing with, you know, this? 134 00:04:08,204 --> 00:04:09,771 She enjoys my sparkling personality 135 00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:10,989 and thinks I'm a family man. 136 00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:12,077 So you lied to her? 137 00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,775 Big time. [CHUCKLES] 138 00:04:13,949 --> 00:04:16,125 I got a good reason. I love her shape. 139 00:04:16,299 --> 00:04:17,996 She's gonna see right through you when you try and play tennis today. 140 00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:19,128 I'm way ahead of you on that one. 141 00:04:19,302 --> 00:04:20,825 I'm gonna twist my ankle before 142 00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:21,826 and then we're gonna go make out in her Buick. 143 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,393 Why? 144 00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:24,916 Old people don't deserve happiness. 145 00:04:25,090 --> 00:04:26,788 All right, I haven't been exactly forthright with her, 146 00:04:26,962 --> 00:04:28,355 but we're happy. Now, come on. I need this. 147 00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:30,095 Well, it doesn't concern me, 148 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,793 so... [GROANS] 149 00:04:31,967 --> 00:04:33,316 Great, because I'm gonna bring her to Thanksgiving, 150 00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:34,361 and I need you guys to keep up the ruse. 151 00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:39,061 ADULT ADAM: While Pop-Pop was trying to get us not to spill the beans, 152 00:04:39,235 --> 00:04:42,020 my sister was trying to mop up my mom's mess. 153 00:04:42,194 --> 00:04:44,284 Well, I got rid of the Thanksgiving cornucopia 154 00:04:44,458 --> 00:04:46,634 that I grew in my garden. [CHUCKLES] 155 00:04:46,808 --> 00:04:48,679 Just like the trampoline that you kids never use. 156 00:04:48,853 --> 00:04:51,421 Think your mom's upset?Yeah, such a waste. 157 00:04:51,595 --> 00:04:53,597 But one scary bounce on that bad boy and I was like, "Not for moi." 158 00:04:53,771 --> 00:04:55,730 Not the trampoline. 159 00:04:55,904 --> 00:04:58,036 The fact that my mom stole Thanksgiving from your mom 160 00:04:58,210 --> 00:04:59,124 and she just let it happen. 161 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,822 Just letting it happen 162 00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:02,606 is my family's way of dealing with your mother 163 00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:03,607 and your whole family, to be honest. 164 00:05:03,781 --> 00:05:05,957 That ends now. 165 00:05:06,131 --> 00:05:07,698 Linda, we're taking back Thanksgiving. 166 00:05:07,872 --> 00:05:09,352 Oh, no, thank you. 167 00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:11,398 I like that it was stolen from me last-minute. 168 00:05:11,572 --> 00:05:13,051 Keeps me on my toes, 169 00:05:13,225 --> 00:05:15,184 and my doctor says I need to stand more. 170 00:05:15,358 --> 00:05:16,577 Doesn't it bother you that my mom 171 00:05:16,751 --> 00:05:18,013 bulldozes her way to whatever she wants? 172 00:05:18,187 --> 00:05:19,449 Well, there is one worry. 173 00:05:19,623 --> 00:05:21,233 She will keep us from spending time with you 174 00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:23,148 and, eventually, our grandkids. 175 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:24,628 ERICA: She totally will. 176 00:05:24,802 --> 00:05:26,761 And not just holidays, every day. 177 00:05:26,935 --> 00:05:28,589 You may never see them. 178 00:05:28,763 --> 00:05:30,417 Do you remember when she borrowed your hand mixer? 179 00:05:30,591 --> 00:05:32,636 Oh, no. I can't have pancakes or grandchildren? 180 00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:34,638 Yeah, you're overreacting, but there is a way. 181 00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:36,205 See, Beverly Goldberg 182 00:05:36,379 --> 00:05:38,294 only respects power and confidence. 183 00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:40,340 I only have one of those. I mean none. 184 00:05:40,514 --> 00:05:41,993 Nothing's ever gonna change 185 00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:43,952 until you face her and don't back down. 186 00:05:44,126 --> 00:05:45,649 I don't know.I do. 187 00:05:45,823 --> 00:05:48,696 You are strong, you are powerful, 188 00:05:48,870 --> 00:05:50,350 and you deserve what's yours. 189 00:05:50,524 --> 00:05:51,612 Now, go take back your damn holiday. 190 00:05:51,786 --> 00:05:53,657 I can, and I will. 191 00:05:53,831 --> 00:05:55,398 [CLATTERING]I'm sorry! 192 00:05:55,572 --> 00:05:57,487 Apology not accepted! 193 00:05:57,661 --> 00:06:00,229 You want to take Thanksgiving from Linda, fine. 194 00:06:00,403 --> 00:06:01,883 But just know that if you go through with this, 195 00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:03,101 you won't be celebrating it with me. 196 00:06:03,275 --> 00:06:04,625 Excuse me? 197 00:06:04,799 --> 00:06:06,017 You heard me. 198 00:06:06,191 --> 00:06:07,889 I will be celebrating at the Schwartzes', 199 00:06:08,063 --> 00:06:10,239 and you will enjoy a lonely Thanksgiving 200 00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:11,936 without your original schmoopy-poo. 201 00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:14,112 You wouldn't.Try me. 202 00:06:14,286 --> 00:06:16,288 ADULT ADAM: It was a standoff, but my sister knew 203 00:06:16,463 --> 00:06:18,639 my mom would never risk a Schmoo-less Thanksgiving. 204 00:06:18,813 --> 00:06:20,380 Fine!Yes! 205 00:06:20,554 --> 00:06:21,903 And since you won't be needing it, Beverly, 206 00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:23,121 I'll be taking that turkey. 207 00:06:23,295 --> 00:06:24,035 So be it. 208 00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:27,952 Here you go. 209 00:06:29,563 --> 00:06:30,520 You have to let it go. 210 00:06:30,694 --> 00:06:32,827 You're right. Here you go. 211 00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:35,830 ADULT ADAM: As Erica tried to wrestle Thanksgiving back from my mom, 212 00:06:36,004 --> 00:06:38,049 Barry and I were pinning down a plan of our own. 213 00:06:38,223 --> 00:06:39,921 Dad, we got a question.MURRAY: Not now. 214 00:06:40,095 --> 00:06:41,401 There's a guy who kind of looks like Pat Sajak 215 00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:42,706 on America's Most Wanted. 216 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,143 We were thinking, if Pop-Pop insists on us 217 00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:48,059 helping him mislead Joyce into thinking he's a nice guy, 218 00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:49,452 we should get something out of it. 219 00:06:49,626 --> 00:06:50,888 Like a lifetime of love and respect? 220 00:06:51,062 --> 00:06:52,499 More like 20 bucks. 221 00:06:52,673 --> 00:06:55,197 So you're gonna extort your grandfather? 222 00:06:55,371 --> 00:06:57,155 Fine. Just leave me out of it.[KNOCK ON DOOR] 223 00:06:57,329 --> 00:06:59,549 We've come to visit and whatnot. 224 00:06:59,723 --> 00:07:00,942 There's where we get all our wisdom! 225 00:07:01,116 --> 00:07:03,161 [LAUGHS] Hey! 226 00:07:03,335 --> 00:07:04,685 We missed you, cherished grandpappy. 227 00:07:04,859 --> 00:07:06,034 Look how much they love you. 228 00:07:06,208 --> 00:07:07,775 Yeah, that was nice. 229 00:07:07,949 --> 00:07:09,559 And embracing me, that was... welcome. 230 00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,996 Physical affection comes naturally to him. 231 00:07:12,170 --> 00:07:13,476 Speaking of his generosity, 232 00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:15,347 Pop-Pop, are we gonna play the gobble-gobble game? 233 00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:16,740 The gobble-gobble game? 234 00:07:16,914 --> 00:07:18,438 You know, our Thanksgiving tradition 235 00:07:18,612 --> 00:07:19,917 of handing us your wallet 236 00:07:20,091 --> 00:07:21,397 and letting us gobble up any money we find inside. 237 00:07:21,571 --> 00:07:22,964 That is so sweet. 238 00:07:23,138 --> 00:07:24,748 Is it? Is it? 239 00:07:24,922 --> 00:07:25,836 Now, gobble-gobble, old man. 240 00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:27,272 Sure. Sure. Here, gobble-gobble. 241 00:07:29,144 --> 00:07:30,580 Four bucks? Aren't you an adult? 242 00:07:30,754 --> 00:07:32,190 I don't like carrying cash. 243 00:07:32,364 --> 00:07:34,018 There's greasers and doo-woppers in my neighborhood. 244 00:07:35,411 --> 00:07:36,499 We're gonna inherit nothing. 245 00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:38,370 Murray, what about you? 246 00:07:38,545 --> 00:07:40,677 Do you have any Thanksgiving traditions with your dad? 247 00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:41,765 Well, let me think. 248 00:07:41,939 --> 00:07:43,463 Uh... no. 249 00:07:43,637 --> 00:07:45,116 I'm sorry. Did I say something wrong? 250 00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:46,683 No, no, no. Everything is peachy. 251 00:07:46,857 --> 00:07:48,119 That's Murray's dry sense of humor. 252 00:07:48,293 --> 00:07:49,599 He's-- He's my funny boy. 253 00:07:49,773 --> 00:07:51,209 Whatever this is, I hate it. 254 00:07:51,383 --> 00:07:53,690 We have a lot of Thanksgiving traditions.Oh, yeah? 255 00:07:53,864 --> 00:07:55,300 We watch the football game together. 256 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:56,780 You mean you made me go in my room 257 00:07:56,954 --> 00:07:58,347 and listen to it on the radio. 258 00:07:58,521 --> 00:08:00,088 So we could compare experiences after. 259 00:08:00,262 --> 00:08:01,742 And after the game, you'd go for your cigar walk. 260 00:08:01,916 --> 00:08:03,395 Well, sure. 261 00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,049 I couldn't smoke around Prince Murray and his asthma. 262 00:08:05,223 --> 00:08:07,487 Another possibility? You're a liar. 263 00:08:07,661 --> 00:08:08,313 And you were an annoying kid. 264 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,228 And there it is, 265 00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:11,969 anger, yelling, and pettiness, 266 00:08:12,143 --> 00:08:14,145 your real Thanksgiving tradition. 267 00:08:14,319 --> 00:08:16,844 You know what? I-I think I should go. 268 00:08:17,018 --> 00:08:18,019 No, wait, Joyce. [CHUCKLES] No, no. 269 00:08:18,193 --> 00:08:19,194 We're just having fun here. 270 00:08:19,368 --> 00:08:20,543 Yeah, but I'm not. 271 00:08:22,763 --> 00:08:24,025 How could you mess this up for me? 272 00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:26,157 You had years to play the loving dad. 273 00:08:26,331 --> 00:08:27,594 You messed that up all on your own. 274 00:08:30,727 --> 00:08:32,468 It's probably for the best. 275 00:08:32,642 --> 00:08:34,383 Joyce's eyes were, like, all over me. 276 00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:35,993 ADULT ADAM: While Pop-Pop's lie was exposed, 277 00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:37,908 my mom was hoping a covered dish 278 00:08:38,082 --> 00:08:39,867 would keep her in the Thanksgiving spotlight. 279 00:08:40,041 --> 00:08:41,216 Hello, Bev.Linda. 280 00:08:41,390 --> 00:08:42,826 I thought I would drop off 281 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,828 my triple-cheese shrimp au gratin 282 00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:47,004 so there's something decent to eat. 283 00:08:47,178 --> 00:08:48,005 ERICA: Just bring it in the kitchen! 284 00:08:48,179 --> 00:08:48,876 Erica? 285 00:08:49,877 --> 00:08:51,487 The hell's this? 286 00:08:51,661 --> 00:08:54,055 I'm helping Linda with Thanksgiving prep. 287 00:08:54,229 --> 00:08:56,666 Creamy sweet peas, Lou's favorite. 288 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,363 Oh, are those matching aprons? 289 00:08:58,538 --> 00:08:59,843 BOTH: Two peas in a pod. 290 00:09:00,017 --> 00:09:03,151 [BOTH CHUCKLE] 291 00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:05,588 ADULT ADAM: While she may not have been cooking Thanksgiving dinner, 292 00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:07,111 watching Erica and Linda bond in the kitchen... 293 00:09:07,285 --> 00:09:08,548 I have to go. 294 00:09:08,722 --> 00:09:11,333 ...made my mom boil over. 295 00:09:11,507 --> 00:09:13,248 But thankfully, there was someone to dish to. 296 00:09:13,422 --> 00:09:15,076 I come bearing a seasonal candle, neighbor. 297 00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:16,077 I've been cheated on! 298 00:09:16,251 --> 00:09:18,688 Exodus 20:14, no! 299 00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:20,647 I'd never think that Murray would have the energy, 300 00:09:20,821 --> 00:09:22,649 let alone the desire. 301 00:09:22,823 --> 00:09:24,128 And what woman would debase hers-- 302 00:09:24,302 --> 00:09:26,304 It's Linda [BLEEP] Schwartz! 303 00:09:26,478 --> 00:09:28,219 I always got a skank vibe off of her. 304 00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:29,786 Murray didn't cheat on me with Linda. 305 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:30,874 Erica did. 306 00:09:31,048 --> 00:09:33,050 Torrents of confusion. 307 00:09:33,224 --> 00:09:34,574 Please explain. 308 00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:37,402 The very fruit of my lush giving tree 309 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,317 is out gallivanting with another mother. 310 00:09:39,491 --> 00:09:40,797 Wait, your daughter is hanging out 311 00:09:40,971 --> 00:09:42,320 with her soon-to-be mother-in-law, 312 00:09:42,494 --> 00:09:44,366 and that's bad because... 313 00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:48,196 Because it is a disgusting display of child infidelity. 314 00:09:48,370 --> 00:09:50,764 I don't think child infidelity is a real thing. 315 00:09:50,938 --> 00:09:52,504 It's real. 316 00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:55,159 Maybe my Thanksgivings just aren't what they used to be. 317 00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:57,901 Cheesy shrimp au gratin. Bleh! 318 00:09:58,075 --> 00:09:59,337 That's not gonna keep her coming home to Mama. 319 00:09:59,511 --> 00:10:00,643 Fudge and crackers! 320 00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:02,950 Thanksgiving's at the Schwartzes'? 321 00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:04,604 My candle was an attempt to snag an invite 322 00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:06,083 to your Turkey Day. 323 00:10:06,257 --> 00:10:08,129 Why can't there be two Thanksgivings? 324 00:10:08,303 --> 00:10:10,174 [GASPS] Wait a minute. 325 00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:11,698 Clear out your Wednesday. 326 00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:13,569 You're invited to a nosh. 327 00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:15,310 Hot damn! The candle worked. 328 00:10:15,484 --> 00:10:16,746 [SNIFFS] It's perfect. 329 00:10:19,923 --> 00:10:22,186 ADULT ADAM: After my dad had blown Pop-Pop's cover with Joyce, 330 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:24,711 he was back to his sad bachelor ways. 331 00:10:24,885 --> 00:10:26,843 [KNOCK ON DOOR]I told you girls already, 332 00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:28,932 I don't want anything from Samoa, 333 00:10:29,106 --> 00:10:30,151 especially a cookie. 334 00:10:30,325 --> 00:10:31,892 ADAM: Pop-Pop, open up! 335 00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:32,719 It's us.[KNOCK ON DOOR] 336 00:10:35,939 --> 00:10:37,680 We feel really bad about any part we had 337 00:10:37,854 --> 00:10:39,160 in your break-up with Joyce. 338 00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:40,901 I was alone for decades before Joyce. 339 00:10:41,075 --> 00:10:42,511 I'll be alone for decades after. 340 00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:44,034 Don't say that. 341 00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:45,383 There are other women out there. 342 00:10:45,557 --> 00:10:47,385 Not like Joyce. She was perfect. 343 00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:49,387 Nice figure, she didn't think she was better than me, 344 00:10:49,561 --> 00:10:51,389 and she lived within a 50-foot radius. 345 00:10:51,563 --> 00:10:52,739 Why don't you try and win her back? 346 00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:54,523 Win her back? She's not an object. 347 00:10:54,697 --> 00:10:56,264 She's a smoking-hot broad 348 00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:57,613 with a caboose that never stops chugging. 349 00:10:57,787 --> 00:10:59,528 Caboose?Oh, ignoring that. 350 00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:00,703 We'll help you. 351 00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:02,487 Barry and I have a rich history 352 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,141 of grand, romantic gestures. 353 00:11:04,315 --> 00:11:05,229 Guess it couldn't make it any worse. 354 00:11:05,403 --> 00:11:06,970 That's almost the spirit. 355 00:11:07,144 --> 00:11:08,537 You know what? 356 00:11:08,711 --> 00:11:10,278 Let's start with a clothing makeover. 357 00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:12,193 What's the matter with these?They're hideous! 358 00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:14,499 Time to raid your closet. 359 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:17,154 ADULT ADAM: Unfortunately, Pop-Pop's closet wasn't a treasure trove. 360 00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:19,591 I didn't even know they made so many browns. 361 00:11:19,766 --> 00:11:21,898 Technically, uh, the one on the end is russet, 362 00:11:22,072 --> 00:11:23,683 and, uh, that guy is Yukon gold, 363 00:11:23,857 --> 00:11:25,336 and the fancy one is yam. 364 00:11:25,510 --> 00:11:26,424 They're all named after potatoes, 365 00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:27,948 the least sexy vegetable? 366 00:11:28,122 --> 00:11:29,558 Everyone likes a potato. 367 00:11:29,732 --> 00:11:30,472 It's a versatile tuber. 368 00:11:30,646 --> 00:11:31,734 You're a tuber, huh? 369 00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:33,083 Barry, no. 370 00:11:33,257 --> 00:11:34,781 Let's just focus on the gesture part 371 00:11:34,955 --> 00:11:37,261 of the grand, romantic gesture.[GRUNTS] 372 00:11:37,435 --> 00:11:38,915 Do you have any skills that might dazzle a lady? 373 00:11:39,089 --> 00:11:40,917 I have Medicare. Is that a skill?No. 374 00:11:41,091 --> 00:11:42,310 Let's just do what we always do, 375 00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:43,703 you stand outside her window 376 00:11:43,877 --> 00:11:45,487 holding a boombox over your head. 377 00:11:45,661 --> 00:11:47,141 Box? No, that sounds expensive. 378 00:11:47,315 --> 00:11:48,664 What about this thing? 379 00:11:48,838 --> 00:11:50,405 Maybe you can sell it, give her the money? 380 00:11:50,579 --> 00:11:52,233 Oh, my accordion! 381 00:11:52,407 --> 00:11:53,669 The ladies do go crazy over a guy 382 00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:55,323 who's got one of those strapped to his chest. 383 00:11:55,497 --> 00:11:57,064 [ACCORDION WHEEZES] 384 00:11:57,238 --> 00:11:58,848 Logic and judgment suggest there's no way that's true, 385 00:11:59,022 --> 00:12:00,807 but here we go. 386 00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:01,416 I guess I can give the old girl some squeezes, 387 00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:03,331 a few tickles. 388 00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:05,855 Please tell me you're talking about this thing, not Joyce. 389 00:12:06,029 --> 00:12:08,031 ADULT ADAM: As Pop-Pop was planning to use his accordion, 390 00:12:08,205 --> 00:12:11,339 my mom was set to put the Thanksgiving squeeze on Linda. 391 00:12:11,513 --> 00:12:13,036 Well, thank you all for coming. 392 00:12:13,210 --> 00:12:15,343 I know we have a big day tomorrow at Linda's. 393 00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:17,911 Well, tonight's get-together is just a light Wednesday nosh 394 00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:21,131 to prep our tummies for Linda's smorgasbord tomorrow. 395 00:12:21,305 --> 00:12:22,524 Back in a jiff. 396 00:12:22,698 --> 00:12:24,004 ADULT ADAM: But the nosh wasn't so light. 397 00:12:24,178 --> 00:12:26,441 It was heavy. Very heavy. 398 00:12:26,615 --> 00:12:27,703 This is just Thanksgiving dinner. 399 00:12:27,877 --> 00:12:28,965 Cool. 400 00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:30,184 What did you do? 401 00:12:30,358 --> 00:12:31,315 Oh, this? 402 00:12:31,489 --> 00:12:33,056 Well, it's just a light offering 403 00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:35,624 of some coincidentally seasonal dishes. 404 00:12:35,798 --> 00:12:37,495 I'm looking at five gravy boats. 405 00:12:37,669 --> 00:12:39,541 The stuffing, mashed potatoes, cornbread, and turkey 406 00:12:39,715 --> 00:12:41,238 have to drown in something, Erica. 407 00:12:41,412 --> 00:12:42,674 I brought a candle. 408 00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:44,589 I see that it's unlit in the corner 409 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:47,288 and someone's placed some mail on top of it, but that's fine. 410 00:12:47,462 --> 00:12:49,072 How is this bird somehow bigger than the first? 411 00:12:49,246 --> 00:12:51,074 I always have a backup. 412 00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:54,861 Um, this was Wishbone. Spirited fella. 413 00:12:55,035 --> 00:12:57,385 The last 60 seconds of his life were chaotic. 414 00:12:57,559 --> 00:12:59,256 Are those creamy sweet peas? 415 00:12:59,430 --> 00:13:01,084 They're triple-creamy sweet peas. 416 00:13:01,258 --> 00:13:02,738 The secret? More cream. 417 00:13:02,912 --> 00:13:05,262 This is too far, woman. Too far. 418 00:13:05,436 --> 00:13:07,177 Speaking of too far, 419 00:13:07,351 --> 00:13:08,875 uh, could you put some sweet potatoes on my plate? 420 00:13:09,049 --> 00:13:11,138 It still has some white space. 421 00:13:11,312 --> 00:13:13,401 Linda, you still have real Thanksgiving tomorrow, 422 00:13:13,575 --> 00:13:15,316 so why don't we all just relax 423 00:13:15,490 --> 00:13:18,449 and fill our bellies to their physical limits? 424 00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:21,191 Lou!They've got triple the cream, Linda! 425 00:13:21,365 --> 00:13:23,454 I'm just a man! 426 00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:25,979 ADULT ADAM: As my mom's big night stole the spotlight from Linda, 427 00:13:26,153 --> 00:13:28,459 Pop-Pop was about to put on a show of his own. 428 00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:30,505 Joyce is gonna love your new look. 429 00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:32,550 What have you done to my hair? 430 00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:34,552 I look like that Italian fella on that show 431 00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:36,032 with the leather jacket and the thumbs. 432 00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:37,773 Exactly. An elderly Fonzie. 433 00:13:37,947 --> 00:13:39,557 And what's with this sweater? 434 00:13:39,731 --> 00:13:41,385 Sophia Loren couldn't fill this out. 435 00:13:41,559 --> 00:13:43,126 It was my mom's, but don't worry. 436 00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:44,301 The tag says "unisex." 437 00:13:44,475 --> 00:13:45,389 [ACCORDION WHEEZING] 438 00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:49,654 You look good. Fine. Different. 439 00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:52,179 You're gonna be great. 440 00:13:52,353 --> 00:13:54,964 ADULT ADAM: So in my mom's most normal sweater, 441 00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:57,619 Pop-Pop playedIn Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel, 442 00:13:57,793 --> 00:13:58,620 and he was good. 443 00:13:58,794 --> 00:14:00,056 He was really good. 444 00:14:00,230 --> 00:14:02,232 Ben, what are you doing here? 445 00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:04,365 I'm winning you back with the squeeze-box. 446 00:14:04,539 --> 00:14:06,106 [SOUR NOTE PLAYS]Oh, crap. 447 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,672 ADULT ADAM: Until he wasn't. 448 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,893 I, uh, I can't be talking while I... 449 00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:13,330 [CAT YOWLS]Ooh. My cat, he doesn't like... 450 00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:15,158 [SOUR NOTES PLAYING]Pop-Pop, stop. 451 00:14:15,332 --> 00:14:16,551 It's like the moans of a ghost trapped in our world! 452 00:14:16,725 --> 00:14:18,248 I can get back into it. 453 00:14:18,422 --> 00:14:19,728 I'm... I'm just off by one finger. 454 00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:21,643 [CAT YOWLING]Oh, no. Your cat got out. 455 00:14:21,817 --> 00:14:23,688 I'll get it. I'm good with cats. 456 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,473 We both have adventurous natures. 457 00:14:25,647 --> 00:14:27,779 I'm sorry. I clearly can't play this thing. 458 00:14:27,954 --> 00:14:29,433 I mean, my hair is all slicked back 459 00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:31,479 and they got me in this bosomy lady's garment. 460 00:14:31,653 --> 00:14:33,829 Still, I-I appreciate the effort. It's nice. 461 00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:35,004 Mm. 462 00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:36,614 You're nice. 463 00:14:36,788 --> 00:14:38,486 No, I'm not. 464 00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:40,183 I just made up some things to impress you, 465 00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:42,969 and the truth is, as a father, I'm kind of a putz. 466 00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:44,884 I just thought if I got lucky, 467 00:14:45,058 --> 00:14:46,102 you'd never find out. 468 00:14:46,276 --> 00:14:47,451 Ben, I don't want you to be perfect. 469 00:14:49,018 --> 00:14:50,367 I just want you to be yourself. 470 00:14:50,541 --> 00:14:51,542 Really? 471 00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:53,022 Really. 472 00:14:53,196 --> 00:14:54,241 This might be a little late, 473 00:14:54,415 --> 00:14:55,285 but, uh, you wouldn't want to go 474 00:14:55,459 --> 00:14:56,721 to a Thanksgiving dinner now, would you? 475 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,462 You know what? I would. 476 00:14:58,636 --> 00:15:00,421 Not every day somebody stands outside my door 477 00:15:00,595 --> 00:15:01,291 and serenades me. 478 00:15:02,162 --> 00:15:02,902 I'll get my purse. 479 00:15:03,076 --> 00:15:04,338 [SIGHS] 480 00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:08,472 And that, my boy, is why the accordion 481 00:15:08,646 --> 00:15:11,649 is the most romantic of all the instruments you wear. 482 00:15:11,823 --> 00:15:12,999 ADULT ADAM: While Pop-Pop's heart was full, 483 00:15:13,173 --> 00:15:14,478 everyone's bellies were, too. 484 00:15:14,652 --> 00:15:15,915 Turkey's almost done, everyone. 485 00:15:16,089 --> 00:15:18,134 No more!Are you trying to kill us? 486 00:15:18,308 --> 00:15:20,658 Throw it in the trash, Linda! 487 00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:22,138 I'm kind of full myself.[KNOCK ON DOOR] 488 00:15:22,312 --> 00:15:23,357 We're here. 489 00:15:24,401 --> 00:15:25,576 Linda, I have to say, 490 00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:28,231 I am so glad you are hosting this year. 491 00:15:28,405 --> 00:15:30,320 Also, Murray will not be able to attend. 492 00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:32,322 Something about Thanksgiving being yesterday. 493 00:15:32,496 --> 00:15:34,324 Yep. Bev's bird did me in, too. 494 00:15:34,498 --> 00:15:36,631 I slept for 12 hours last night, 495 00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:38,415 instead of my usual 11. 496 00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:40,896 Maybe that can be our new tradition, huh? 497 00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:43,290 Pre-Thanksgiving at the Goldbergs'? 498 00:15:43,464 --> 00:15:44,769 ADULT ADAM: Erica realized she had to do something 499 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,684 to take down my mom, 500 00:15:46,858 --> 00:15:48,817 so she pulled out her biggest weapon. 501 00:15:48,991 --> 00:15:50,862 Can you help me set the table, Mom? 502 00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:54,518 Or, fun thought, we skip the meal and just call it. 503 00:15:54,692 --> 00:15:57,304 Hey, yay! Four-day weekend, everybody. 504 00:15:57,478 --> 00:16:00,220 Oh, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Linda. 505 00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:01,525 Can you help me set the table, Mom? 506 00:16:01,699 --> 00:16:02,918 [SHATTERING] 507 00:16:03,092 --> 00:16:04,441 I must be in my manic phase 508 00:16:04,615 --> 00:16:06,356 because I am giddy with anticipation. 509 00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:08,489 That's right. Since we're becoming family, 510 00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:10,621 I wanted to honor her with the title of "Mom." 511 00:16:11,709 --> 00:16:13,189 Mm. This feels right. 512 00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:15,409 [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] 513 00:16:15,583 --> 00:16:17,106 Linda, is this true? 514 00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,630 Have you decided that it is appropriate 515 00:16:19,804 --> 00:16:21,719 for you to be addressed as such by the fruit of my womb? 516 00:16:21,893 --> 00:16:23,895 Oh, Beverly. You misheard. 517 00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,767 I'm pretty sure she said "ma'am." 518 00:16:25,941 --> 00:16:27,595 You said "ma'am," didn't you, Erica? 519 00:16:27,769 --> 00:16:28,857 Tell her you said "ma'am." 520 00:16:29,031 --> 00:16:30,511 Nope, I called you "Mom," Mom. 521 00:16:30,685 --> 00:16:32,165 And that, Mom, 522 00:16:32,339 --> 00:16:33,557 is what I will call you from now on, Mom. 523 00:16:36,430 --> 00:16:38,475 Geoffrey, when your mother gets back, call me "Mom." 524 00:16:38,649 --> 00:16:40,347 Finally. Mom. Or Mommy? 525 00:16:40,521 --> 00:16:42,784 Mama? Ma? Mammy? Momo? 526 00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:45,004 Forget it. You make everything weird. 527 00:16:45,178 --> 00:16:47,397 Joanne, you give it a try. 528 00:16:47,571 --> 00:16:48,964 I actually call her Linda. What if I call you Linda? Would that work? 529 00:16:49,138 --> 00:16:50,313 Worthless. 530 00:16:50,487 --> 00:16:52,228 Hey, Mom?Yes? 531 00:16:52,402 --> 00:16:54,100 Oh, I meant Linda. 532 00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:56,102 You should probably go ahead and get used to that. 533 00:16:56,276 --> 00:16:57,451 Okay, everyone. It's time. 534 00:16:57,625 --> 00:16:59,583 Time for what? More drama? 535 00:16:59,757 --> 00:17:01,890 For touch football in the yard. It's our family tradition. 536 00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:03,065 I'd like to play. 537 00:17:03,239 --> 00:17:05,154 Just so you're clear, it's "touch." 538 00:17:05,328 --> 00:17:07,983 Just so you're clear, I don't give a [BLEEP] 539 00:17:10,464 --> 00:17:11,900 ADULT ADAM: That Thanksgiving, 540 00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:14,207 my mom and sister prepared for the most important 541 00:17:14,381 --> 00:17:17,123 and maybe only touch football game of their lives. 542 00:17:17,297 --> 00:17:19,777 Mom supremacy was on the line. 543 00:17:19,951 --> 00:17:21,910 All right, enough stretching. Let's do this. 544 00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:23,738 But I gotta keep these hammies warm 545 00:17:23,912 --> 00:17:25,783 if I'm gonna shake and bake. 546 00:17:25,957 --> 00:17:27,089 You know, my height and weight 547 00:17:27,263 --> 00:17:29,265 are exactly the same 548 00:17:29,439 --> 00:17:31,963 as Texas Oiler Earl Campbell. 549 00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:33,878 Dad, please. No one knows how to respond to that. 550 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,576 Okay, let's pick teams. 551 00:17:35,750 --> 00:17:37,186 I, of course, pick my mom. 552 00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,667 Yes. Thank you, sweetheart. I knew you-- 553 00:17:39,841 --> 00:17:41,625 Damn it! You mean Linda, don't you? 554 00:17:41,799 --> 00:17:43,062 Yep. And I'm gonna scoop up Joanne, too. 555 00:17:43,236 --> 00:17:45,325 So now I'm stuck with the Schwartz men? 556 00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:46,587 How is that fair? 557 00:17:46,761 --> 00:17:48,197 And I'll be the referee 558 00:17:48,371 --> 00:17:51,766 because the tension is palpable in the fall air. 559 00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:53,985 ADULT ADAM: And so, there on the chilly ryegrass 560 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,250 of the Schwartz backyard, warriors faced off. 561 00:17:58,816 --> 00:18:00,688 On one side, my mom, 562 00:18:00,862 --> 00:18:03,343 determined to reclaim her status as top mom. 563 00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:05,432 And on the other, my sister, 564 00:18:05,606 --> 00:18:08,391 ready to defend her mother-in-law at all costs. 565 00:18:08,565 --> 00:18:11,133 It was a game for the ages. [WHISTLE BLOWS] 566 00:18:11,307 --> 00:18:13,353 Soon, it came down to the final drive. 567 00:18:13,527 --> 00:18:15,746 Whichever team scored next won, 568 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,879 and fate set two combatants...[DISTORTED] Run! 569 00:18:18,053 --> 00:18:19,620 ...on a collision course with history.[DISTORTED] No! 570 00:18:19,794 --> 00:18:20,969 Mom! 571 00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:24,668 [THUD] 572 00:18:28,542 --> 00:18:30,457 Linda, are you okay?I think so. 573 00:18:30,631 --> 00:18:32,154 My shin might be a little bruised. 574 00:18:32,328 --> 00:18:34,591 [GASPS] That isn't my leg, is it? 575 00:18:34,765 --> 00:18:35,984 What the hell, Mom? 576 00:18:36,158 --> 00:18:38,073 I was caught up in the game. I didn't mean to-- 577 00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:39,335 Wreck your best friend? 578 00:18:39,509 --> 00:18:41,120 All because you lost a stupid holiday. 579 00:18:42,773 --> 00:18:44,035 [GROANS] 580 00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:45,341 This might be the wrong time to ask, 581 00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:47,735 is it "Linda" or "Lisa"? 582 00:18:47,909 --> 00:18:50,216 ADULT ADAM: While my mom may have seriously injured Linda, 583 00:18:50,390 --> 00:18:53,088 Pop-Pop was trying to heal some old wounds. 584 00:18:53,262 --> 00:18:55,525 There he is, Father of the Year. 585 00:18:55,699 --> 00:18:56,961 Just listen for a second, clever guy. 586 00:18:58,180 --> 00:18:59,268 I shouldn't have lied. 587 00:18:59,442 --> 00:19:01,227 And yes, I wasn't the best dad. 588 00:19:01,401 --> 00:19:03,446 Best? You're in the bottom three. 589 00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:04,665 All right, get your licks in. 590 00:19:04,839 --> 00:19:06,362 I know I was a miserable schmuck, 591 00:19:06,536 --> 00:19:08,538 and that's why I thought I'd never have a lady in my life again. 592 00:19:08,712 --> 00:19:10,627 All right, I was lonely, okay? 593 00:19:10,801 --> 00:19:12,368 I didn't know that. You could have told me. 594 00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:14,544 How?With words! 595 00:19:14,718 --> 00:19:15,197 That's not my thing! 596 00:19:17,068 --> 00:19:18,287 Look, the point is, 597 00:19:18,461 --> 00:19:19,723 I would have done anything to keep her around. 598 00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:22,987 Then why'd you drag her over here? 599 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,773 You... You should have known we'd ruin your lies. 600 00:19:25,947 --> 00:19:27,731 I don't know. Maybe I wanted to show you all off or something. 601 00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:33,955 You want to watch the game? 602 00:19:34,129 --> 00:19:35,739 Uh, together?Yeah. 603 00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:40,309 Oh, yeah. 604 00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,920 ADULT ADAM: While my dad and Pop-Pop looked to change their future, 605 00:19:43,094 --> 00:19:46,010 my mom felt it was time to apologize for the past. 606 00:19:47,577 --> 00:19:49,188 Is it okay if I sit? 607 00:19:49,362 --> 00:19:51,494 Why, so you can steal Arbor Day or Cinco de Mayo 608 00:19:51,668 --> 00:19:53,061 or Lou and Linda's anniversary? 609 00:19:53,235 --> 00:19:57,326 Linda, I am so sorry. 610 00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:58,980 You're one of my dearest friends. 611 00:19:59,154 --> 00:20:01,069 And you are one of mine. 612 00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:02,679 That's why I thought it would be so sweet 613 00:20:02,853 --> 00:20:04,159 when our families merge. 614 00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:06,770 It can be. It will be. 615 00:20:08,685 --> 00:20:11,688 I'm just so scared I'm gonna lose my baby to you. 616 00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:13,821 I'm scared I'm gonna lose my baby to you. 617 00:20:13,995 --> 00:20:14,691 [PETER GABRIEL'S "IN YOUR EYES" PLAYS] 618 00:20:14,865 --> 00:20:16,171 How about that? 619 00:20:16,345 --> 00:20:18,565 Sounds like you have everything in common. 620 00:20:18,739 --> 00:20:20,523 I guess that makes us pretty lucky. 621 00:20:20,697 --> 00:20:23,787 I'm the lucky one. I get two great moms. 622 00:20:23,961 --> 00:20:25,833 ♪♪ Sometimes... 623 00:20:26,007 --> 00:20:27,182 Are you going to be okay with me saying that? 624 00:20:27,356 --> 00:20:28,183 Never. 625 00:20:29,489 --> 00:20:30,446 But if it's gotta be someone, 626 00:20:30,620 --> 00:20:33,623 I'm glad it's Linda. 627 00:20:33,797 --> 00:20:35,799 ADULT ADAM: As you get older, your family dynamics will inherently 628 00:20:35,973 --> 00:20:37,584 change, shift, and evolve. 629 00:20:39,194 --> 00:20:40,500 ♪♪ I reach out from the inside... 630 00:20:40,674 --> 00:20:42,110 ADULT ADAM: Sometimes it's to welcome new, 631 00:20:42,284 --> 00:20:43,590 completely unexpected family members. 632 00:20:44,634 --> 00:20:46,767 ♪♪ In your eyes... 633 00:20:46,941 --> 00:20:48,812 ADULT ADAM: And sometimes, it's to welcome friends 634 00:20:48,986 --> 00:20:50,249 who've been there all along. 635 00:20:50,423 --> 00:20:51,162 ♪♪ I am complete 636 00:20:51,337 --> 00:20:52,599 ♪♪ In your eyes 637 00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:54,601 ♪♪ I see the doorway... 638 00:20:54,775 --> 00:20:56,342 When you make room for everyone at your table... 639 00:20:56,516 --> 00:20:57,865 you'll find every day 640 00:20:58,039 --> 00:21:00,084 to be a joyous celebration. 641 00:21:03,697 --> 00:21:04,785 What's up, Mom? 642 00:21:04,959 --> 00:21:07,483 Ooh, yeah, that still doesn't feel right. 643 00:21:07,657 --> 00:21:10,356 It's wildly uncomfortable for everyone involved. 644 00:21:10,530 --> 00:21:12,662 There's got to be something that speaks to our closeness. 645 00:21:12,836 --> 00:21:15,535 Mee-maw? Mamacita? Mommers? Mommaroony? 646 00:21:15,709 --> 00:21:16,971 Mumsy? Mama-lou? 647 00:21:17,145 --> 00:21:19,321 Queen Mother? Mamasaurus Rex? 648 00:21:19,495 --> 00:21:22,150 Mother Superior? Bahama Mama? The Bev Train? Choo-choo. 649 00:21:22,324 --> 00:21:24,021 Big Mama? She's a fine Mama-Jama? 650 00:21:24,195 --> 00:21:25,153 Ooh, how about just "Beverly"? 651 00:21:25,327 --> 00:21:26,807 Sorry. None of these are working. 652 00:21:26,981 --> 00:21:27,982 But, Mrs. Goldberg-- 653 00:21:28,156 --> 00:21:28,852 Bup-bup! That's the one.