ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, high school athletes
were William Penn royalty.
They were celebrated, they were adored,
and they could do no wrong.
Well, except in one person's eyes.
Why do we even have a Senior Night?
To honor the people like Brea,
who devoted so many hours to, um...
Volleyball.
Really? That sounds made-up, but I'll defer to you.
Well, let's get it over with.
I've got a 12-cheese calzone in the oven.
That seems like too many cheeses.
You'd think, but somehow,
more becomes indecipherably less.
Hey, Brea's mom, if I give you my keys,
will you run home and take it out for me?
Yeah, I'm not gonna miss my daughter's big moment.
Big moment? She taps a balloon across a net.
Oh, also
congratulations, Brea.
Thanks. (CHUCKLES) Sort of.
-('80 - S ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
And now, let's honor our senior athletes!
For three years, this gal led the Lady Quakers in sets
and had more kills than a Serengeti cheetah.
Brea Bee!
Oh! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Big whoop.
Remember the time you re-created
Moses leading his people out of Egypt
with Legos and Kool-Aid?
That was impressive.
I just want to thank my mom for always supporting me.
I love you with all my heart.
Come out here, Mom.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
What am I seeing right now?
Brian Walls!
This one's for you, Mama.
What? Another rose for another mama?
Yeah. All the moms get thanked with a rose.
Oh, envious spirit, I covet thee!
Sorry. For athletes' moms only.
Brian Corbett!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I'd like to thank both of my moms.
Hey, uh, w-where'd the roses go?
(FEEDBACK WHINES) Got it. I've got it.
Hello, jocks and sportos.
Um, to use your lingo (CHUCKLES)
we're gonna take a time-out
so that my special player can honor me.
Adam? Oh, no.
You came sliding out of me face-first,
like a baseballer.
Did I die? Am I dead?
Unfortunately for you, no.
Hey, Adam, why are you just sitting there?
Bring your taut, athletic tushie up here
and give me all the mother-loving roses.
** I'm twisted up inside
** But nonetheless I feel the need to say
** I don't know the future
** But the past keeps getting clearer every day **
ADULT ADAM: It was November 3rd, 1980-something,
and while my sister's wedding day was a way's off,
the events leading up to it were in full swing.
At least, for the groom.
Hi, my love.
Can you spare me Saturday afternoon
from who knows when to I have no idea?
I'm sure I'll survive whatever vague
and loosely scheduled thing you're doing.
It's tux shopping with the JTP.
I'm gonna look like Cary Grant
or that guy at the mall who plays the piano.
What's his story? How did he end up
in front of a dead escalator?
I'm okay never knowing. But look at you.
You're on it with wedding activities,
tux shopping, groomsmen softball,
camp friends spa day.
It's actually not me that's planning all this stuff.
It is I!
Geoffrey's and the world's best man
and pre-wedding fun captain.
Captain? It's not an official rank,
but his body is fit for service.
We should really keep that door locked from now on.
Silence! Just know that on Saturday,
the man who's settling for you
will be doing some high-octane tux shopping,
which may include a rented penguin
for maximum photo adorableness.
No way! Way.
I have many friends at the zoo.
And enemies.
You know, frankly, it's touch-and-go.
As much as it pains me to say anything nice to you,
you're surprisingly on top of it.
True. For weeks, he's done nothing
but wedding stuff and attending to
my intense romantic needs. Mm-hmm.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to see about a girl.
A girl penguin.
I know. Penguins can be girls.
I didn't believe it either.
Ta!
So, Erica, what's on your pre-wedding docket?
Well, Lainey's organizing dress shopping.
Isn't Lainey, like, lost at sea?
No, she's at sea, and no one knows where,
and Erica hasn't spoken to her
in a disconcertingly long time.
She's just busy singing on that cruise ship.
Fun fact about cruises,
the longer the cruise, the more poo
the ship is carrying back to the port.
I'd say that's more fact than fun.
But the point is, Lainey is on top of it.
ADULT ADAM: Or so she thought. (DIALING)
(ALARM BLARING) Erica?
I'm sorry. There's a huge storm on the way,
so they're coming to evacuate us.
What's up?
So, she may not be fully on it.
Here's a kooky idea.
What if I, Joanne, am your fun captain?
Yes! My sister planning my fiancee's wedding events.
We solved it.
Did we? (CHUCKLES)
Because as much as I love Joanne's wild-card energy
(CHUCKLES) I do have a pretty deep bench
of close friends to pick from.
Well, if you change your mind, here's my business card.
Tom Wiggins, Assistant Manager, Kinko's?
Oh, that's right. (SCOFFS)
I never followed through.
ADULT ADAM: So, Erica reached out to her long list of friends,
starting with her old college pal, Ren.
Hey, Lady!
It's so nice to hear your voice.
Sorry I've been so out of touch.
I have been busy planning a wedding for my friend Jill.
Ugh, it is so much work.
(CHUCKLING) I swear to God, never again.
So, what's up? Just saying hey.
ADULT ADAM: So, she called her next best choice, Valley Erica.
Erica? Oh, my God. Like, hey.
Michael, get down from there!
Glenn, that's not how you use a mouth.
Dustin, that's the cat's food!
Word of advice, do not have triplets.
Triplets? How long has it been since we spoke?
Not long. Things move quickly in Scottsdale.
Gotta go.
ADULT ADAM: And then her real next best choice,
her old high-school friend Carla.
Hey! Hey.
I was just wondering if you might like to plan
some fun wedding stuff for me. (INHALES SHARPLY)
Ooh, I already have a job that I'm bad at.
But if you need wings...
I wouldn't get 'em here.
(SIGHS) So, I completely struck out
and have no pre-wedding fun captain.
You know, my sister's dying to help.
Yeah, it's just Joanne doesn't know me very well.
But you know who does know me well?
Me. Ooh, is this one of those logic puzzles,
like where the doctor who couldn't operate on the boy
turned out to be his mother? It's the '80s.
A woman can plan her own wedding events, can't she?
Not sure that's gonna be the takeaway from this decade,
but I guess. Then it's settled.
I will be my own fun captain.
Yay! My fiancee has a shaky and unconventional plan.
ADULT ADAM: While Erica had decided to do it herself,
my mother was still beside herself about Senior Night.
Do you realize how much better athletes are treated
at what we were promised
was an exclusive, elitist private school?
We did have it pretty good.
What are you talking about? You're not an athlete,
unless they turned being a moron into a sport.
How dare you?
I'm an Olympic-caliber sportsman
who never got a chance to prove it
'cause coaches, teammates, umpires, and equipment managers
were too intimidated by my dominance.
We can stop talking now.
Murray, we have to do something.
Why should the jocks get special treatment?
Face it, if Barry could hit a baseball like Mike Schmidt,
wouldn't we love him more? No.
I can hit like Schmitty!
Come out back and pitch to me, old man!
That doesn't seem like something that's gonna happen.
Touch my pec. Go ahead.
Feel its shape and girthy weight.
I'm not touching your anything!
Mom! Dad won't recognize my natural abilities
and physical prowess by caressing me!
Cup your son's boy-bosom!
Do you hear your words?
Fine. If you're not gonna help
either one of your sons, then I will.
Very meaty, dear.
In your face.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Earl, are you aware that the athletes in this school
get treated better than all the other kids?
I can explain that.
They are better.
Because they're all strong and coordinated?
Not just that. There's also a swagger.
Well, this changes now.
I demand that all the kids who are not as gifted athletically
be treated the same as the jocks.
But then how will they learn that they're not as good?
They are as good, Earl.
And they deserve the rose-kissy thing, too.
The what-zit now?
When all the athletes fawn all over their mothers
in front of the whole school? I want that for me.
I mean, you know, for all the other kids.
But no one cares about their ho-hum achievements.
Then I'm just gonna have to invoke Title Nine.
What, the law that prevents sex discrimination in schools?
Then Title Eight. Or Ten.
Darn my weakness for vague threats.
What will make this all go away?
I want the non-athletes to be celebrated and adored, too.
Feign interest in non-jocks. Got it.
And the rose-kissy thing.
Yeah, you've mentioned that twice now.
Okay, you win. The athlete-worshipping culture
of this place ends, starting now.
Yo, Ball-Man, can I borrow your ride?
Chem lab's boring and I want to go get an ice cream cake.
Sure thing, dawg.
And, uh, when you're done with it,
just park it wherever you want. I'll find it.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Okay, starting now.
ADULT ADAM: While my mom was pursuing her rose celebration,
Erica's wedding run-up was feeling less than celebratory.
Hi. Erica Goldberg. I'm here to try on dresses.
Perfect. Just let me know
when the rest of your party gets here.
Actually, it's just gonna be me today.
No maid of honor? Again, just me.
Sisters? Just me.
Cousins? Nope.
Work friends? Flying solo.
College friends? Going it alone.
New friends? Party of one.
Well, what about your mother?
(CHUCKLING) Oh, God, no.
She's the best, but also the worst.
So I'm doing this round,
and then she promised to come and be awful
when I settle on something.
Would you mind if we grabbed
some of these champagne glasses?
Another client brought way more guests
than we anticipated.
Take 'em all, Beth. Mine's here all by herself.
Has that ever happened before?
Not that I can remember, and I've been here for 15 years.
There's a person here with ears and everything.
So, is that a yes?
Just take the friggin' glasses, Beth.
ADULT ADAM: And so began the loneliest
wedding-dress-trying-on in history.
There was this fun number, and a more modest option.
She was a princess without a court,
a Southern belle whose friends had gone with the wind,
and whatever this is.
Why do I keep coming out? There's a mirror in here.
ADULT ADAM: But without any friends to weigh in,
my sister was feeling stuck, literally.
Hello? Beth?
Other lady?
Little help?
Oh. Thank God.
I thought you guys forgot about me.
Sorry, Tiffany! I found one more!
(WOMEN LAUGHING IN DISTANCE)
I hate you, Tiffany!
I've exhausted all my options,
so you're my fun captain.
Ah! You handpicked me!
ADULT ADAM: As Erica welcomed Joanne to the team,
the kids who'd never played on one
were starting to enjoy the privileges of those who did.
** Dave Kim, he's our man
** If he can't do it, no one can **
What exactly can no one do that I maybe can?
Win the Science Fair by simulating a wind turbine.
Way to go, Davy.
I don't know what's happening,
but this is farther than I've gotten in my dreams.
"Congrats Matt Schernecke on his sly turn
"as Rooster Hannigan in 'Annie'"?
That performance was wildly uneven.
Agreed. The choreography on "Easy Street"
swallowed him whole.
But the bigger question is, what gives?
(FEEDBACK WHINES) PRINCIPAL BALL: Good day, students.
First off, I'd like to give a verbal high-five
to the kid in the back brace.
He has a name.
I think it's Adnan, but I'm not positive.
Also, to Adam Goldberg, for locking up
the AV club's Oscar Award for his cheeky parody,
"The Second-to-Last Starfighter."
It definitely put the original in its place.
And the rose-kissy thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm... I'm getting to that.
And you're too close to the mic.
They can't hear me. Just say it. Yeah, okay.
And also remember that our less-coordinated students
will be honored Friday
at our first annual Non-Athlete Senior Night.
Invite your mamas.
Non-Athlete Senior Night?
This is a stretch, even for you.
Wha?
This attention isn't real!
Just my mom wants her own rose ceremony!
A win's a win.
Sydney, I've made a mess.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
ADULT ADAM: My sister finally had a fun captain,
and Joanne's first move was to call for back-up. (KNOCK ON DOOR)
'Sup, fools? Carla?
I thought you said you were too busy to help.
That's 'cause I don't like being in charge,
but I'm happy to be the getaway driver.
Metaphorically?
Sure. So, what do we got?
I put together a list of typical bridal activities,
a spa day, brunch, getting our hair and makeup done.
Ooh, those sound so normal.
That's why we're doing none of them.
We're going to a monster truck rally.
Oh. I went yesterday, but I'll go again.
I don't know. That seems really loud.
What if we did extreme versions
of the stuff you already crossed off?
Or maybe not extreme at all.
Well, it's your rodeo.
Yes! A prison rodeo!
My cousin's the head clown.
ADULT ADAM: And with that,
Erica's special day was gonna be normal.
Kinda.
They hit the spa...
(RUSSIAN ACCENT) I remove top layer.
Of my skin?
ADULT ADAM: ...they got their makeup done...
Hot damn! She used every crayon in the box!
ADULT ADAM: ...and finally, brunch.
Here again? You know it.
They make a kick-ass potato soup.
It's as hearty and thick as the men who make it.
More hit?
ADULT ADAM: While Erica's special day was a bust,
I enlisted some help squashing my mom's plan
for Non-Athlete Senior Night.
We want you to reverse the cultural changes
you've made at our school.
Yesterday, I went to lovingly wedgie a band kid,
but I couldn't because he was on the shoulders
of five cheerleaders.
Believe me if it were up to me, that dweeb's underwear
would be gently but hilariously tattered and torn.
And I've gone two days without someone decorating my locker.
Have I become a nobody?
You're always somebody to me.
That means nothing!
None of this makes any sense.
This morning, that nerd Matt Schernecke
said hi to me in front of everyone.
So embarrassing!
If Dave Kim's getting a cupcake from Sydney the cheerleader,
then my cupcake doesn't feel special.
I mean, even though I'm dating Sydney.
Okay, that last argument's kind of convoluted,
but you get it.
I'm persuaded.
Going back to the old system.
So, you'll be canceling Non-Athlete Senior Night?
Oh, that I can't do. Your mother was very menacing.
And she invoked laws I'm too lazy to verify.
But nobody wants it!
Guys, help me out here.
We don't care about that.
We just want cheerleaders to bake us stuff.
I'm sorry, Mr. Goldberg, fair is fair.
The athletes got their big night,
the non-athletes get theirs.
ADULT ADAM: Which gave me a crazy idea,
and that meant there was only one person to talk to.
I need you to turn me into an athlete.
Are you talking to me or God?
'Cause that's a tall order for either of us.
If I make it onto a sports team,
I won't have to participate in Non-Athlete Senior Night.
Fine! Tell me the sport, I'll make you a legend.
Doesn't matter. You pick.
Well, I'd rule out anything
that requires a bat, ball, mitt,
racket, stick, club, coordination, endurance, desire,
grit, strategy, physical contact,
or a commanding voice for calling signals.
What's left?
Spring track. In!
What's the minimum I have to do to make the team?
I only know the maximum.
I don't need the maximum.
I just don't want to go to this banquet.
Whatever the reason, you will be transformed
from an undersized sack of soft garbage
into an explosively high-performance
muscular super jock.
Why exactly are you embracing this challenge
with so much intensity?
To prove to Dad that I am such an elite athlete
that I can even turn the weakest, scrawniest,
and most pathetic among us into Dan Marino.
The Isotoner glove model?
I didn't know he did sports.
Your training begins now!
I'm gonna need gravity boots and a tractor tire.
Let's go!
(SCOFFS) Here I come, I guess.
ADULT ADAM: While I'd gotten Barry's unbridled help,
Erica's bridal shower was under way.
There was food...
Wait, are you driving later?
I might be.
I'd stay away from those.
ADULT ADAM: ...there were games...
Okay, would Geoff rather make out in public, or--
Whatever the second thing is.
Correct! (LAUGHTER)
He'd rather die in a house fire.
ADULT ADAM: ...and, of course, dessert.
(SINGSONG VOICE) Cake time!
Oh, wow, that's big.
Well, it kind of had to be. You'll see.
Surprise! (GASPS)
Is it time?
It's so dark and scary in there.
Oh, God.
Erica, you get the first piece.
Technically the second. I got pretty hungry on the van ride over.
That's okay, I'm good.
Why not? Is my boyfriend not hot enough for you?
That's the thing, he's too hot.
He's sweating all over the frosting.
You should be so lucky as to eat frosting that touched my man.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Knock, knock! Groom in the room!
It's okay, Geoff. There's nothing to see here.
Full disclosure, it was gonna be me in the cake,
but with my crippling claustrophobia,
nobody thought it was a good idea.
The problem isn't who was in my cake.
The problem is that someone was in my cake.
Geez, someone is hard to please.
Look, it's not your fault that you planned something
I intensely hate.
You just don't know me at all.
ADULT ADAM: While Erica's shower had gone off the tracks,
I was still trying to derail my mom's embarrassing plan.
Schmoop-a-poop, I have our outfits for our big night.
Wow. So much class and pizzazz.
It's a shame neither of us will be wearing those.
As a newly certified high school athlete,
I will not be attending.
That doesn't make any sense.
You're a think-y, not a do-y.
I think-y no more.
I'm a badass jock now,
with all the accoutrements that come with.
Like these incredibly thin and revealing shorts.
So you joined a sport?
Not just any sport, track...
A series of athletic contests, running, jumping... the other.
So, no-can-do on your big public smooch.
Hmm.
Well, if you put as much energy into that
as you did into depriving me of a moment of thanks,
then you're gonna be the next Carl Lewis.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Can you believe her?
It's actually you I can't believe.
What's that supposed to mean?
Your mom.
She sacrifices everything for you kids,
her time, her life. It's all for you.
Still, she made up an embarrassing event
just so I could give her a flower.
Because that's how far she has to go
to get the recognition she deserves.
I guess.
No one gets through high school alone.
Everything you did and you achieved,
she was with you every step of the way.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
ADULT ADAM: In a bitter twist of fate, my mom had finally gotten
her Non-Athlete Senior Night,
but her favorite non-athlete was nowhere to be found.
Now I have to pretend to care about these dorks
who couldn't have gotten off their butts to play a sport.
And yet you came and insisted we sit together.
And now, let's meet your Non-Athletic Seniors!
This fella guided Yearbook through three straight years
of deadline-meeting publication.
Give it up for Brad Finkelstein!
ADULT ADAM: A funny thing happened that night.
People realized that
all the things kids had accomplished off the field
were also pretty cool.
She anchors the math team and the third chair
in the William Penn orchestra on the oboe.
O-boe she didn't!
Annie Gerwitz!
ADULT ADAM: Yep, it was the night my mom had dreamed of,
but because I wasn't there, it was just a nightmare.
Next, throughout his storied career,
this gentleman put it all out there
on the floor of the theater!
Adam did theater.
His credits span from "Annie" to "Xanadu,"
with two others in between.
(VOICE BREAKING) Adam also did "Annie"
and "Xanadu" and two others.
He's a two-time president of the AV club.
Adam was also two-time president of the AV club.
And he made our school's first ever video yearbook.
Adam made whatever that was!
Everyone, make some noise...
Mr. Movie, Adam Goldberg!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Yes!
Oh. (LAUGHS)
ADULT ADAM: Yeah, there was one more good thing
about being a non-athlete.
He's not here.
ADULT ADAM: I knew how to make a dramatic entrance.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you. Thank you.
But, most of all, Mom, would you please...
Whoa.
I'd just like to thank the greatest,
most supportive mom in the world.
Mom... Yes.
I've got a half-inch-deep thorn in my hand,
and I don't even feel it.
Sorry, Mom.
I realized I didn't get through high school all by myself.
(BREATHES SHARPLY)
My baby cherishes me and puts me on a pedestal!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Oh!
(BOTH LAUGH)
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
ADULT ADAM: My mom had finally gotten the thing she most wanted.
Unfortunately, the same couldn't be said for Erica.
You okay?
I've been better.
I get it.
I'm lucky.
I've got Barry, the JTP, all my camp guys.
But your friends aren't around when you need them.
And that hurts.
You're very good at knowing how I'm feeling.
That's 'cause I love you.
The worst part is I was mean to your sister
after she tried so hard.
Then maybe I'm not the one you should be talking to.
Hey.
Joanne, I'm so, so sorry.
(SIGHS)
I'm the one who should be sorry.
I throw myself into things and try way too hard,
but it's only 'cause I saw a chance to be closer to you.
Really? Duh.
What do you think? I don't want us to be sisters
just because you're marrying my brother.
I want us to be like actual sisters.
I always wanted a sister.
Well, then
let me start with one more thing I have planned.
Oh, no. I don't need any more activities.
Are you sure? 'Cause I think I've learned
a little more about what you like.
ADULT ADAM: In that moment, Erica realized
that no matter how far apart your paths may take you,
the most important people in your life
will always be there for you.
Oh, my God! What are you guys doing here?
Joanne reminded us how important this is.
So we made it happen.
(CHUCKLES)
ADULT ADAM: Occasionally, someone you never expected steps up
and becomes one of those people who means so much.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
And sometimes, we realize that they were there all along.
FRIENDS: Oh!
BOTH: Yes!
ADULT ADAM: But either way, as long as you've got your people
by your side...
you'll be a winner no matter what.
Shopkeep! In addition to wedding dresses,
does this place sell tuxedos for both man and penguin?
Oh, no.
Oh. There's my guy.
Hi, Barry. Hey, Barry.
My current girlfriend, two former sweethearts,
plus a girl I made out with at a party once?
In my defense, I was sober that day.
This is hilarious, but also... (GAGS)
Oh, my gosh! Look at how red he's getting.
Let's turn this up a notch.
Which one of us is the best kisser?
I-I couldn't possibly...
But I could. (CHUCKLES)
Mama always wins best kisser,
no contest.
C'mon. Let's show 'em how.
This day is so much better than I could have hoped for. (KISSES)
Let me go! Let me go!
No! No!