ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
my best friend was my grandfather.
If there was something awesome to do,
I was gonna tackle it with Pops,
and that week, that awesome thing would be
the most hyped movie of our time... Batman.
Pops... Oh.
I have the biggest news in your 80-some years of life.
A Batman movie's coming out, and it's going to be awesome!
Batm'n? I'm in!
Me and your dad loved the old Adam West TV show.
Didn't we, Murray?
(IMITATES ADAM WEST) It appears to me, Commissioner Gordon,
that the Joker, Riddler, and the Catwoman have escaped.
What is that? What is he doing?
I think that's Adam West as Batm'n.
Your inability to identify this spot-on impression is criminal.
Come on. Let's go see Adam West on the big screen
before your dad ruins it forever!
Actually, the new movie stars Michael Keaton.
The guy who plays Beetle-Buzz? Beetlejuice.
Beetle-Jazz can't be Batm'n.
There is only one Caped Crusader, and that is me.
Stop it! Why is he doing that weird voice?
'Cause we're going to see Batman.
I've been waiting to see that for months!
I'm gonna grab my coat and pound a couple of Jolts.
I wanna make sure I'm really wired
when I yell things back at the screen.
It appears the Batcave is all mine
to watch the Bat-Television in my Bat-Underpants.
Stop it! Come on. Let's go.
To the Batmobile! To the Bat-Recliner.
Ah!
Oh, man. This is awesome.
Great movie, great seats, great snacks.
Doesn't get any better than this.
Is that seat taken?
(GROANS) Okay.
Oh, no, it's Barry!
Is that seat taken?
We invited Barry and forgot all about him.
Technically, he invited himself... Is that seat taken?
...so I feel no remorse.
Yo! Can you move your wheelchair so I can sit there?
Come on. He's your brother. We got to say sorry.
Is that seat taken? Do we?
Is that seat taken? I mean, everything is so perfect right now.
That seat taken? That seat's taken, too.
It's just one little "sorry." He'll understand.
What the hell?
You guys ditched me, now I'm walking around like a schmuck,
begging strangers to move over?
We were just so excited to see the movie. You get it.
I don't get it!
Where's my seat? I think there's a couple seats in the front row.
So you expect me to sit alone in the front row,
craning my neck up at the giant screen like putz-bag?
You don't have to do it like a putz-bag.
No way. It's only fair if we all sit in the terrible front row.
Pfft. How is that fair?
Two words... Family.
Okay, look, the movie's about to start.
Just sit up there, and... And we'll meet up afterwards.
Fine!
But this is the worst thing that anyone has ever done to me.
* I'm twisted up inside
* But nonetheless I feel the need to say
* I don't know the future
* But the past keeps getting clearer every day *
ADULT ADAM: It was April 5th, 1980-something.
My sister's senior year was cruising right along,
until this happened.
Question... What is this garbage?
Oh, goodie! You got your college interview for Penn State!
Thing is, I didn't schedule it,
and I'm not going.
Carnegie Mellon is the only school I care about.
Well, you always need a backup.
That's why I always bake two pies,
in case Murray eats one while sleepwalking.
Mom, if I don't get into CMU,
then I'm just gonna skip college
to busk on the street like a true artist.
So, what am I supposed to tell people?
"Oh, there's my daughter, singing next to a hobo
"who's going pishy on another hobo."
Penn State is amazing!
That place made your father everything he is today.
Bevy.
I lost another hot dog.
What? Why does this keep happening?
I guess 'cause my, uh, gesturing hand
is also my hot-dog-holding hand.
I think my point here is proven.
Murray, your daughter thinks
she's too good to go to her Penn State interview.
Let's get something straight, little missy.
Graduating from Penn State
is the greatest accomplishment of my life.
Too bad, Dad. I'm going to Carnegie Mellon.
You are going to Penn State.
It is cheaper, it's more affordable,
and it costs less!
That's the same thing said three different ways!
Well, if it's good enough for me, it's good enough for you.
Okay, fine.
I guess I didn't realize
how important this was to you.
I promise to take
my Penn State interview seriously.
ADULT ADAM: By "seriously", my sister meant
"intentionally tank" her Penn State interview.
Yo, dude! Sorry I'm two hours late.
Uh, well, three. (CHUCKLES)
No worries. Come on in!
Oh! Two points!
Oh! Wow.
There's not even a trash can there. (CHUCKLES)
Have a seat. (CLEARS THROAT)
I'm Kyle Schnitz, and it is very nice to meet you.
My favorite part of being an alum
is getting to interview all kinds of great students.
Oh, full disclosure.
I'm not so much a, uh, great student
as I am a cheater. I'm sorry.
Aw! That's a cute dog you got there.
Oh. Uh, thank you. Yes, that's Ruffles. He's a rescue.
No, I'm talking about your wife.
Boom! Upstairs! (CHUCKLES)
Just gonna leave me hanging like that?
Lame.
Let's just forge onward, shall we? Um, so...
What programs at Penn State are you most excited to...
Oh, my! What are you doing?
(MUFFLED) Taking on this meatball sub like a champ.
Want some, Kenny? It's... Kyle.
Uh, would you please not get sauce all over my...
Gah! Damn it! That's my name placard!
All right. Let me, uh, cut to the chase here, Kyle.
I am one hell of a singer. I mean, check out these pipes.
(CLEARS THROAT)
* Kyle Schnitz smells like farts
* Oh, stinky, stinky farts
That was right off the top of the dome.
And interview over!
ADULT ADAM: The only thing more uncomfortable
than Erica's interview was Barry's seat at the movie.
Wait till they get a load of me.
What's happening? This isn't like the TV show at all.
I know! It's so awesome!
ADULT ADAM: He certainly was to me.
But to Pops, his Batman was from the old TV show.
This is crazy.
You really think Adam West is the better Batman?
He's the only Batm'n.
And this new fancy movie forgot the best part!
Where were the "POWs" and "BAMs" when Batm'n socks the Joker?
I'm not so sure you need to see big cartoon words
when Bat punches a dude.
We'll just watch the old show,
and then you'll see what I'm talking about.
Well, no matter which Batman is better,
at least we can agree we had an awesome day together.
(CLATTERING)
What the hell?
Oh, no. Balls.
Balls is right, man!
Who exactly are you talking to right now? You!
My neck is just jacked up from sitting in the front row.
We were bickering about Batm'n, and forgot you were up there.
But this always happens! You two do everything without me!
Well, I know this looks bad,
but we never leave you out of the fun!
(OVEN TIMER DINGS) What was that?
Nothing. What's in the oven, dudes?
Don't look in the oven, Barry. You better not be doing
what I think you're doing. Don't look in the oven!
I'm going to the oven! I'm looking inside!
Oh, my God!
You two made Batman Shrinky Dinks...
Without me?
You know I live for shrinking dinks.
We know that. Everyone knows that!
There's only two shrunken dinks, man!
Not three dinks. Just two!
Yeah, 'cause it's one dink for me and one dink for you.
Don't! Just don't.
(OVEN DOOR CLOSES)
You're gonna pay for this.
Oh, Barry, come back.
You can have my dink.
You can have my dink, Barry!
BEVERLY: Murray!
Your daughter has some huge news!
Erica, tell your father all about...
Okay, I can't stand it anymore!
She said she killed in her interview... Killed!
Whoo-hoo! That's my peanut!
Yep! I really made an impression on the Penn State guy.
Like, he's never gonna forget me.
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God. I'm so happy, I could (BLEEP)
That's actually, uh, good timing,
'cause Carnegie Mellon just sent you a letter,
and it's kind of thin.
Oh, no! It is thin!
If they said yes, they wouldn't send the thin one!
Wait. Maybe they, uh, just sent a pre-letter
to tell me that the thick one's on the way, and...
Son of a bitch!
I got rejected!
Carnegie Mellon rejected my baby?
(SCOFFS) Well, I'm never buying another melon!
From this moment on, this family eats tree fruits only.
No more scoopable fruits. You hear me?
Good news, though. You got your backup.
Yes! That is good news, that I have a backup.
Murray's an alum, and you will be, too.
Penn State is happening.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Well, um... I have to go for, uh...
For a reason I can't think of right now,
but it's real, so bye.
Hey! Oh, no! She's back.
It's okay! It's me, Erica Goldberg.
Uh, yeah. I remember.
I'm going to my car now, and my secretary knows I'm down here.
Wait. No. Don't walk away from me.
Or run!
Don't make me chase you, Schnitz!
Oh, God. My secretary has no idea where I am.
I slipped out to go to my pottery class!
Look, I know I messed up my interview,
but I have my reasons!
I only tanked it on purpose out of spite!
That's even worse than being crazy.
I'm not crazy, and this proves it!
Look at my teacher recommendations! (CAR ENGINE STARTS)
Just look at them! Damn it!
You are nuts, lady! And I have good SATs! Ow!
I need to get a will. And I played soccer in the 10th grade!
I was also Model U.N. Treasurer! (TIRES SQUEAL)
I think that helped.
ADULT ADAM: With that, Erica officially lost her backup school.
Meanwhile, Pops was giving me an education
on the old version of Batman.
See that? It's a camera trick.
Th... They shoot it sideways. Yeah, I got it.
Now, this is Batm'n!
ADULT ADAM: Little did I know,
my scorned brother was lurking in the shadows
and planning a dastardly revenge plot to ensure
that me and my grandfather would never forget him again.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
(LAUGHS EVILLY)
What?
ADULT ADAM: Like the Joker himself,
Barry set a treacherous trap
that would destroy the dynamic duo forever.
Adam! Come quick! It's an emergency!
Oh! Thanks for dropping by.
You said it was an emergency.
A hang-with-my-bro emergency.
Here, have a seat.
No!
This chair.
And action...
Is my favorite movie genre.
Which reminds me, I saw you watching that old Batman TV show.
Pops was right.
Adam West is better than Keaton.
Pops doesn't know the first thing about Batman.
He doesn't even say it right. He says "Batm'n."
But you told Pops you love his show.
It kind of sounds like you lied to his face.
I had to. It's just... It's so corny!
Say it louder.
I mean, it made no sense at all.
They had a bat-calendar.
Move more into the light. And bat shark repellant?
Why would a superhero even have that on his utility belt? Why?
So you don't just reject Pops' Batman.
You reject Pops as a human old person?
Nah, I'm just humoring him.
All that old-timey stuff he likes, it's just not for me.
And cut.
Why would you say that? No reason.
I always like our talks.
Go away now. Come on. Come on.
ADULT ADAM: And with that, my brother had everything he needed
to become a villain that could even rival Jack Nicholson's Joker.
Wait till they get a load of me.
What'd you say? Nothing! Go away now!
Wait till they get a load of...
Nope. Moment's passed. Damn it.
ADULT ADAM: It had been a day since my sister's Penn State disaster,
and our parents still didn't know until now.
Hey, folks, no need for alarm,
except for the incredibly alarming phone call I just got.
It seems that Erica tanked her interview with Penn State,
and then attacked the man in a parking garage.
What? What have you done, child?
It's not my fault!
Dad said I had to go to Penn State,
and I wanted CMU, and now I have nothing,
and, dear Lord, this is a disaster!
Look, you folks can relax
because ol' Glascott has the solution.
Good. Thank God.
I have failed as a mother.
Are any of you familiar with the International Correspondence School?
Do you want to make more money? Sure, we all do.
You may have seen their catchy TV commercials
starring America's sweetheart, Sally Struthers.
Don't. Ooh, look!
In just two short years,
you can get a degree in TV/VCR repair.
But I don't want to fix TVs!
Well, luckily, you have a bunch of other options...
Gun repair, child daycare,
learning the personal computer.
We're seeing the same thing you are!
You don't have to read it out loud!
Interior decorating? Cooking?
Art? Air condition and maintenance?
I mean, what does this school not have?
A campus. This is a nightmare!
Okay, let's all just take a breath.
We've got one card left to play.
Murray, you're an alum.
You'll go down there and straighten this whole mess out.
Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea.
What? Why not? She made her bed,
and now she's gonna have to lie in it!
Kid's got to learn. Yeah. In college.
Okay, I am not getting involved.
End of story! Do not pry!
Shh!
Well, I am getting you into Penn State.
No child of mine will deal with the consequences of her actions!
Excuse me.
1-800...
ADULT ADAM: As Erica's college career went up in flames,
my plan to shoot a Batman movie with Pops
was about to be shut down.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Adamander Goldberg in the flesh.
Adamander? We need to talk, my friend.
You think Adam is short for Adamander?
It's time to pay the piper.
Do you think it's like Alexander? Forget the name!
You got other things to worry about.
ADULT ADAM: Did I ever.
At that very moment, Pops would stumble upon a secret recording of me
bashing him and all he held dear.
(ON RECORDING) Nah, I'm just humoring him.
All that old-timey stuff he likes,
it's just not for me.
Oh, no. I said awful things
about his terrible version of Batman.
Yes you did.
For once, Pops is gonna be in my stupid home movie.
"Rad: The Barry Goldberg Story."
No! You can't put that wonderful elderly man in a BMX movie!
I don't think you'll be stopping me.
No! You can't do this!
Okay. This isn't a problem.
I'll just grab my toolbox and...
Damn it! I don't have real-world skills.
Or a utility belt with actual utilities!
Well, well, looks like you wanted to get into Penn State
a little bit more than you thought, hmm, Miss Goldberg?
She does, and we are so, so grateful
that you agreed to meet with us today,
and Erica is very sorry for her behavior.
I really am. I mean, stalking you in the garage
and singing a hurtful song about you smelling like poots
and comparing your wife's appearance to that of a canine...
It's all very...
Not good.
I might also add, she ate a sandwich on my desk.
Which reminds me, you know, I never had my lunch.
Would you mind if I rudely devoured this and wasted your time?
Okay, I deserve that.
Mmm, that is very messy.
All right, well, I made my point, okay?
Well, it might interest you to know
that my husband, Murray Goldberg,
is an active alum of this school.
An active alum?
Active. Damn it. Fine.
Well, I'm sure we can, uh, work something out. (CHUCKLES)
Just take a look.
Huh. It appears that Mr. Goldberg is not,
in fact, a graduate of Penn State.
What? How dare you!
Oh, see for yourself.
He's one credit shy of graduation.
I say I'd earned a celebratory bite, hmm?
(CHUCKLES)
(GROANS) Oh, Schnitz! I messed myself.
College dropout? I'm married to a college dropout?
You're a college dropout!
I dropped out to marry you, dropout!
So this is why you wouldn't help,
because you've been lying for three decades?
I feel bad, and I say that from the bottom of my heart
and also to end this conversation!
This is nuts.
You both lectured me my entire life
on how important college is,
and now I find out that neither of you even graduated?
I was one credit short!
You know, if I eat 99% of a sandwich, I still at a sandwich!
This isn't a sandwich! It's my future!
Look, it doesn't matter what I did.
I'm still your father,
and you're not skipping out on college.
I am done taking life advice from a hypocrite.
Since none of these colleges will take me,
I am just gonna focus on my music
and busk on the streets like a true artist!
Why didn't you back me up on the sandwich metaphor?
Well, I hope you're happy. Your daughter's a busker.
We've lost her to the streets.
Busking?
ADULT ADAM: As Erica walked out on her college future,
Pops had stumbled right into Barry's supervillain trap,
and it was foolproof.
(SIGHS) Adam said some pretty nasty words about everything you love.
Can't imagine what you must be thinking right now.
I think you secretly taped Adam
in a weird attempt to turn us against each other.
How dare you, sir!
You told Adam to stand in better light.
You really need to learn how to grift someone, kiddo.
If anything, you should be angry at Adam!
He's the one who bad-mouthed you while I happened to be filming!
Yeah, where's Adam?
ADULT ADAM: I was trapped with no way out.
Think, Adamander! Think!
ADULT ADAM: And then I saw it.
My sheets served as my own Bat-Signal.
Forget the Batman movie and TV show.
I'd be the greatest Dark Knight Gotham had ever seen!
I told you! Adam's long gone!
Whoa! (THUDS)
That looks so much easier on TV!
Adam, are you okay? No!
This crazy man locked me in my room
so he could make a dirt-biking movie with you!
Barry, why would you do this?
The kid could have gotten real hurt.
I just had enough. Enough of what?
Of you two leaving me out!
All my life, you guys have been the dynamic duo...
Having fun, making awesome movies...
Did it ever occur to you, just once, maybe I'd like to be included?
Barry, you're my grandson, too. You know I love you.
It doesn't feel like that, Pops.
ADULT ADAM: With her college dreams dashed,
Erica would busk her way to fame and fortune.
Naturally, she'd rely on the greatest song of the '80s.
* Gonna take a lot to take me away from you
* There's nothing that a hundred men or more...
(GASPS)
Gah! Gross!
* I bless the rains down in a...
(GASPS) Damn it!
* Gonna take more than that to make me leave this pla...
Gah! Come on!
* I hate the rains down in Jenkintown *
ADULT ADAM: While Erica's dreams broke down,
me and Pops were ready to build Barry back up.
Hi.
Hey.
So, me and Pops are starting our Batman movie,
but we couldn't decide which Batman was better,
so we're gonna have both. Sounds fun.
Actually, we thought you could have some fun with us.
Really? I mean, we got the superheroes,
but no one for us to fight.
I don't know. I didn't really like being the Joker.
I think this time you will.
Follow us.
No way! A BMX Batman movie?
Look, we never meant to leave you out,
and now that you're here, I say we turn the dynamic duo
into the fearsome threesome!
* It's really getting soaked down in Jenkintown
* There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do *
How's it going? It's going great.
Listen, I realized you were right about me,
screaming at you all these years about finishing college,
and I didn't even see it through.
So you're not gonna make me go home and apply to new schools?
I'd like to, but I can't,
not after lying to you all these years.
So that's it? Tell me I'm a moron!
Tell me not to give up on myself!
Tell me to apply to new schools
and make something of my stupid life!
Sounds like I don't have to say anything
because you already know it.
I guess you're right.
I also know that if I'm gonna start college, then you're gonna finish it.
Hey, I do high-level accounting every day.
It's one credit. Come on.
Okay, fine.
If you're willing to see it through...
So can I.
ADULT ADAM: That day, my dad was the hero who saved Erica,
and she ended up saving him right back.
And that night, I finally got the chance
to be the Dark Knight, with my superfamily by my side.
The Joker's on the loose.
To the Batmobile.
To the better Batmobile.
ADULT ADAM: Because in the end, the greatest superheroes
...don't have powers or wear capes.
They're the people who stick with us
through the greatest adventure of all...
Growing up.
* I bless the rains down in Africa *
Truth is, it's not how many gadgets we have in our utility belt
that get us through life.
What really saves the day are the loved ones
who stand by our side and help us fight
to make our dreams come true.
I am... Super!
POPS: Batm'n. Batman.
That's what I said... Batm'n.
No, you're saying, "Batm'n."
Listen... "I'm Batman!"
"I'm Batm'n."
"I'm Batman!" "I'm Batm'n."
What on Earth are you two doing?
No need to be alarmed, citizen.
We are crime-fighting professionals.
Get off the side of the house, or I'll kill both Batmans.
See, that's how you say it.
I'm walking off this picture.