ADULT ADAM: Ah, Mother's Day.
For most families,
all you'd have to do is make breakfast in bed,
but for the Goldbergs,
"Smother's Day" was the most dreaded holiday of the year.
It was a 24-hour, nonstop snuggle fest
that got worse as we got older.
Oh, my God, what is this disgusting glop?
My one-way ticket out of Mother's Day, sucka.
Oh, balls! Oh, balls! I completely forgot!
How could you forget?
It's the worst day of our year,
but it's on display forever!
ADULT ADAM: Behold the Goldberg mantel of shame.
(OMINOUS CHORDS STRIKING)
I know. As the baby,
I'm the one who gets the worst of it!
Or have you forgotten this?
This...actually...happened.
Yeah, in a house full of messed up photos,
that is for sure the worst.
Please, let me join in on your breakfast!
Here, I can make toast! Already did.
No! That's all I'm capable of!
Oh! There she is!
Guess what special day it is, pretty lady?
Happy Mother's Day!
It's Mother's Day! For me!
Look what I alone made for you!
Aww, my Sugartush charred me a Belgian waffle
and put a poison flower on top.
I woke up at dawn just to make everything right
for my wonderful mama-bear!
Aw, Schmoo. Go back to bed.
Please, no! I mean,
we need him for your Mother's Day photo session.
Oh, my day will be plenty special
with just you and Erica.
(COUGHS) Ugh...
(CONGESTED) Happy Mother's Day.
Sorry, but so much sinus pressure.
Oh, no! Your cold got worse.
Aw, come on! She's clearly faking!
Shame on you, Adam!
For the past week, I have been closely monitoring
Erica's cough, sniffles, sore throat,
sour tummy, and uncontrollable eye twitch.
See? It does it on its own 'cause it's real.
Aw. Well, I'll go put some blankets on the couch
so you can lie down and watch TV.
Yay! (CHUCKLES)
(IN NORMAL VOICE) And that's how you get out
of honoring your mother.
That's right. For weeks,
I've been planting seeds of worry.
A tiny cough here, a body ache there,
every day a calculated move leading to this very moment.
Bastard genius!
Okay, I built a nest for Erica on the couch
and I ran Barry's blanket through the dryer.
Time for our big photo op, Adam!
Get your smile muscles ready!
Ugh, fine! I guess I'll be the one
who spends Mother's Day with his mother.
Yay!
Let's just make it super fast
'cause I got big plans today with Dave Kim.
Plans? What plans? "Willow"!
It's George Lucas' blockbuster follow-up to "Star Wars"!
(CONGESTED) Wow, it's like super selfish
to pick some movie over your mom.
I don't even know what to say.
I do.
You're a bad son. Gah!
Let's just go and take these photos super fast
'cause "Willow"! Yay!
It's Mother's Day.
**
* I'm twisted up inside *
* But nonetheless I feel the need to say *
* I don't know the future *
* But the past keeps getting clearer every day *
ADULT ADAM: It was May 1st, 1980-something,
and we were spending some quality time
with our dad and David Hasselhoff.
Whoa, wait!
You guys are watching "Knight Rider"
and didn't even invite me?
Scootch!
You scootch. I'm already here.
That's the best spot on the couch
and I'm sick of you always hogging it.
Damn it! I can't hear the snooty car talk.
Either sit down, or get out.
Of course you take Erica's side.
Once again, the forgotten middle child gets screwed!
Aw, not this crap.
Here we go again with your crazy
middle child conspiracy theories.
Crazy real!
You're constantly boned when you're the middle child.
I get the bad spot on the couch,
the runty piece of pizza,
even your crappy hand-me-downs.
You do not!
Dad made me wear your "My Little Pony" overalls
'til I was nine!
It's 'cause Dad's cheap,
not 'cause you're the middle child.
Also 'cause it was funny.
That right?
Well, I cannot wait to move to college
so I can be born anew
and live free as a non-middle child!
(GROANS) Just take my stupid spot on the couch.
ADULT ADAM: For a middle child, getting the couch was an epic triumph,
though what happened next was Barry's first real win.
Stop your cross-fire!
Everyone focus on Barry!
Look, a thick-ass envelope from Penn.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Thick from Penn?
You know it.
I'm gonna rip the ass out of this envelope.
Yeah, go. (PAPER RIPS)
Rip out the ass. Rip it but good.
Boom! Barry did it!
Barry got in!
Everyone wants Barry! MURRAY: Whoo-hoo!
That makes three colleges!
But this is the one, baby!
Best pre-med program on the East Coast.
The best!
Screw you, garbage safety schools
Ithaca and Bucknell.
(CHUCKLES) You're garbage. We don't need you now.
(LAUGHS) Did I get any mail?
Classic.
'Cause I just some crazy-good mail, now you want some?
Well, you're not gonna middle child me this time,
'cause I'm going to--
Going to Penn! BOTH: What?!
Geoff, I did it! I got in! Yes!
Wait, when did you apply to Penn?
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
So many questions. How? Why?
No. And when? Also no!
MURRAY: Peanut, you did it!
How is this even happening?
Well, it was a hard year,
and once my band was causing me more stress than joy,
Geoff made me realize
that I really needed some direction.
All I did was get her transcripts,
fill out the applications,
and then cash in my Bar Mitzvah bonds to cover the fees.
I always liked this kid.
(MURRAY LAUGHS)
No! No! No!
Dad, check it out.
This weekend, there's an orientation event
at this swanky-ass house in Chestnut Hill.
That's my swanky-ass orientation event.
Yeah, that's great, pal,
but this Erica news is the best. The best!
This is my special moment, and she stole it!
Once again, the middle child gets screwed.
I demand you call me peanut and twirl me, damn it!
Don't touch my body.
Absolutely not! Ah, my back!
Let's roll, boopie.
So, that's the end of that? We good?
We're great.
Just look at all the stuff our faces are on!
Mugs, keychain, welcome mat,
blankie, car seat cover,
(BABY TALK) baby bib,
(NORMAL VOICE) beach towel!
Why would I want a towel of us?
Uh, so when you're at the beach or getting out of the shower,
you can remember who loves you most?
And here I thought it was weird.
Doesn't matter, I'm off to go see "Willow."
Ta! No "ta"!
I made us reservations for brunch and Flamenco lessons
and a couple's foot soak.
While that all sounds fun and also gross,
you promised I could go see "Willow."
I didn't promise "Willow."
You want "Willow," but I think we both know
there will be no "Willows" of any kind today.
You don't understand.
"Willow" is the most important movie
in a generation.
And I'm the most important mom in a generation!
Mom trumps "Willow."
It really doesn't!
In 30 years, people will talk about
how the "Willow" trilogy changed their lives.
No! No "Willow" for you, I mean it!
I get one Mother's Day a year and I'm taking it.
This is what I get for being nice to you
almost the whole morning?
Okay! That's it! No "Willow" for you ever!
You can't just forbid me from "Willow"
for the rest of my life! I just did.
Gah! I hate you!
(OMINOUS CHORD STRIKES)
I see.
Okay, then.
Go. Enjoy your movie.
Thank you! (SCOFFS)
**
These don't fit. I need a refund.
ADULT ADAM: And so I ditched my mom on Mother's Day to see "Willow."
And when it was over...
I had seen "Willow."
ADAM: "Willow"! DAVE: "Willow"!
And Val Kilmer!
Val Kilmer was totally in the movie!
He was, wasn't he?
Wow.
Aw. Aw, man.
Everything okay?
I kind of went to the mat on this "Willow" thing
with my mom. How so?
Well, she said, "No 'Willow'."
And then I got very emotional, cause, you know, "Willow."
So I said, "Yes 'Willow',"
and then she said, "No 'Willow'," again,
and then I said I hate her.
You told your mom you hate her on Mother's Day?
Mistakes were made, Dave Kim!
But for "Willow"?
I didn't know "Willow" was "Willow" at the time.
That's really not cool, bro!
I know, Dave Kim!
You better make it up to your mom, bro!
(SIGHS) I know, Dave Kim.
But I blame "Willow."
I told you not to touch my body.
Okay. I can see you're mad,
but for the record, this whole thing could have been avoided
if you just cried tears of joy and twirled me.
Just get me more ice, moron!
You heard him, Geoff. I did.
Dude, why are you freaking out just 'cause I got into Penn?
'Cause college is supposed to be the place
where I finally break free from your hateful shadow!
I mean it, you're not going.
I got a letter that says otherwise. And a father.
Quiet, broken couch dad!
Dude, 6,000 kids go to Penn.
Trust me, the last person I'll be hanging with is you.
Stop talking like you're going there!
You may get first choice at everything else,
but you will not take my college!
Mark my words. This will not stand.
This...will... not...stand.
You know what else won't stand, moron?
Me! Where's my ice?!
GEOFF: I'm so sorry! I couldn't find a proper baggy!
Oh! Ugh!
I knew that hug was a mistake.
You can't take it back, it already happened.
ADAM: Happy Mother's Day.
What's this?
I know we had a little dust-up earlier,
but I just want to move on and cap off the day
with a little something special for me Madre.
Appreciate that. Thanks.
Well, happy we cleared the air
and this whole thing is done.
Oh, it's done, all right.
What's that supposed to mean?
My children have always gone to extreme lengths to avoid me.
Erica's been pretending to cough for six weeks
and Barry spent $100 on groceries
just to get out of today.
You know about that? Of course.
But I didn't mind 'cause my special baby still loved me.
But then my baby said "I hate you."
On Mother's Day.
I see this is gonna be a whole thing.
Not a thing. I'm done.
Come on, I said I was sorry.
If you can't just move on,
that's on you! Be done!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
(MUSIC SLOWS, STOPS)
For clarity's sake, when you say "done,"
what exactly does that mean?
It means I'm done.
Whatever! I don't care! Be done!
(MUSIC RESUMES, SLOWS, STOPS)
It's just that "done" can cover
such a wide spectrum of changes to a relationship,
so if you could just add some specifics. Sure.
Specifically, I'm done.
Done with what? Being snuggly and nice?
Is that the threat?
'Cause lemme tell ya, that'd be delightful!
(MUSIC RESUMES, SLOWS, STOPS)
I'm your child! You can't be done with me!
And yet I am. No way!
Not buying it! You'll never be done!
'Cause you're obsessed with me, lady!
(MUSIC RESUMES, SLOWS, STOPS)
Honestly, I don't give a hoot you're done.
But-- (CHUCKLES)
Just for kicks, tell me how to fix it.
You want to fix it? Then go back in time
to when you were the little squish
who was over the moon to spend Mother's Day with me.
And until then, I'm done.
ADULT ADAM: Despite the Mom rage,
we all know there's no way Beverly Goldberg
would ever be done with her Schmoo. Ever.
Yep. Won't happen.
She's not coming back.
ADULT ADAM: Oh, balls.
Mother's Day was finally over, and I was looking forward
to life in a smother-free house.
Mornin', Sunshine. Morning?
Looks like Mom's still mad and didn't make breakfast.
But joke's on her
'cause we got Nintendo Cereal System!
Kiddo? Aren't you supposed to be at school?
Nah, it's only--
11:30?! Balls!
Nobody woke me up!
Well, don't you have an alarm clock?
I don't need one 'cause Mom always --
Oh.
Balls. Balls! Balls!
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Dude, you missed our English lit presentation.
I overslept 'cause my mom didn't wake me.
Don't you have an alarm clock?
Why does everyone keep harping on this clock thing?
You don't need one when you have a loving mother!
Who are you looking at right now? You!
No, you're looking at the water fountain.
Aw, crap! My mom also reminds me
to put on my glasses before I leave
and now my lazy eye is activated!
My God. Out of all the days,
why wasn't your mom there this morning?
'Cause she's done, Dave Kim!
Done? W-W-What does that mean?
I don't know, but it's starting to seem really bad.
Hey, babe. Ugh.
It's still weird that you two are a thing.
Hells yeah we are. (CHUCKLES)
(SMOOCHING)
Um, your friend is totally watching us.
No! I turned my head.
My lazy eye is still on you.
You're a freaky little guy, huh?
I'm just gonna walk away entirely.
ADULT ADAM: As the reality of my mom being done set in,
Barry was dead-set on proving
he should be the only Goldberg to go to Penn.
No! It was time for the tired baker man
to make the donuts.
I like him 'cause he's miserable like me.
I will not leave until you hear my airtight presentation
of why I should be the one who goes to Penn.
Really, dude?
Geoffrey, wheel in the presentation cart.
(FANFARE PLAYS, WHEELS SQUEAKING)
Don't need a presentation.
You both can go to the damn college.
Just let the dumbass do his thing
and then he'll go away.
This will only take 80 minutes of your time.
It includes a speech, slideshow,
rap interlude, Q&A,
intermission with kosher salami,
followed by an elegant closing ceremony,
and surprise T-shirt giveaway.
They're all men's mediums.
Once I'm done, our dad will be able to choose
without question
which one of us should go to Penn.
Erica. What?
I choose Erica. But I didn't even start.
Moron, you got into other schools.
The only choice this girl has
is that couch or that college.
So it's Erica. Yeah, I don't want to step in,
but I think he chose Erica.
How did you even get into Penn?
You flunked out of stupid music college!
I told them that after high school,
I took a long-ass "music sabbatical."
They ate that up. Dummies.
I feel good about my choice.
Erica! I chose Erica!
Erica, Erica, Erica.
You think you've won, don't you?
I do. 'Cause I did.
'Cause he said Erica, like, ten times.
Hear me now, believe me later.
I'll do whatever it takes to win.
I will not eat. I will not sleep.
I mean, I might do both,
'cause without them, I'll die.
But you will not go to Penn.
So no more presentation?
I stayed up all night preparing slides
and getting ready for the closing ceremony.
Forget the scarf dance, Geoff!
ADULT ADAM: Even though Barry lost out on his top college,
I was ready to admit that I didn't want to lose my mom.
Hey, Pops. Mom home?
No, now that the rain stopped,
she went to Gimbels to return the umbrella.
She leave any messages for me?
Yeah, she did. I wrote it down.
"I'm done."
Unbelievable!
She really is done and it's taking its toll on me!
Kiddo, just tell her you're sorry.
I tried, but nothing works.
This morning, I asked her if she wanted to take a bite of my neck meat,
and you know what she said?
"Nah, man." She called me "man," man!
That is bad.
There's gotta be some way to fix this.
Yeah, she said to go back in time
and be the sweet little boy
that loved her more than anything.
ADULT ADAM: And then it hit me.
Sears...Photo...Session.
Wait! That's it! I know exactly what to do!
Boom! (LAUGHS)
Hey, kid, I... I don't think this is the answer.
I've never been more confident of anything in my whole life.
You really shouldn't be.
All right, let's get to work...
Uh, whoa!
You don't happen to have an oversized lollipop, do you?
Yeah, I can't take this photo.
Just take the photo.
Just shoot it, dude!
Look, I don't know why an old man wants this photo,
but I'm thinking I shouldn't be a part of it.
It's not for me!
Trust me, there's nothing weird about it.
It's for my mom. Not helping!
ADULT ADAM: While I was trying to re-create my mom's favorite photo,
Barry was trying to destroy
Erica's college orientation event.
And those are just some of the wonderful aspects
of campus life.
Let's open this up for questions. Yes.
When do people declare a major?
Query! Let's say a certain applicant
lied to admissions about flunking out of music college.
Would Penn wanna know about it?
That's an extremely specific question,
but I guess we'd look into it.
Now, about declaring a major...
Would it also be concerning if another applicant
was so selfish that he'd jeopardize his sister's future,
and also once he pooped on the bus?
Another very specific question.
I think I misheard you. What happened on the bus?
I can speak to that hypothetical
and assure you that only happened
'cause the facilities at Colonial Williamsburg
were inadequate.
Would the school also reconsider an applicant
because he challenged a horse to a fight
on more than one occasion?
Or is that the kind of passionate individual
Penn is looking for?
No. Definitely not.
Should the university be aware
that a certain student once sling-shotted
her training bra at Donnie Wahlberg
at a New Kids concert?
Should the university also be aware
that another certain student practiced kissing
on a Miss Piggy puppet?
Hey! The university must know the facts!
You accepted an incoming freshman
who was busted in kindergarten
for eating paste.
How dare you?!
And it had glitter in it.
Regardless, you accepted a student who will ruin my life!
Okay. Um, I'm thinking this, uh, Q&A
got a tad off topic.
I'm not ruining your life!
I'm just trying to turn mine around!
You think it sucks being the middle child?
Well, try being the oldest!
My whole life,
Mom and Dad have held me up to some unrealistic standard
that I will never live up to!
So, instead of hating me for always being second,
how about you thank me,
because I would give anything to be in your shoes!
Penn's all yours.
But just so you know,
I was excited to go to college with you.
I thought it'd be fun.
**
ADULT ADAM: After Mother's Day, my mom was done.
And I had the way to undo it.
Beverly. A moment of your time?
Okay. According to you,
there's one way to undo you being done,
which is to go back to being the little boy
who loved you so much.
I think we both know that's not possible, Adam.
Or is it?
(GASPS)
What the (BLEEP) is that, man?!
You wanted me to go back in the time machine?
Well, I did it! I'm back, baby!
Oh, my God, look at you!
Why would you do this?
I... I thought you wanted me to!
Sweet Lord in heaven,
you look like a cursed doll!
This gesture was supposed to show you that I love you!
Adam. If you ever go to prison for something terrible,
this is the picture they'll show,
and people will look at it and say,
like, "Oh, yeah, I get it." (CHUCKLES)
You're seriously not gonna accept this creepy photo
as proof that I love you? No.
See, this Adam used to give me snuggles and hugs
and say, "I love you, Mama."
And this Adam tells me he hates me,
and quite honestly? I believe him.
Fine! Believe whatever you want!
Gah! I hate you!
And there it is.
Yes, I hate you, but also?
I love you! So much!
But I also hate you, and at the same time,
I love you, but I hate you!
It can't be both, Adam. But it can!
I hate that you're a nudge that expects me
to dry off with a towel that has your face on it!
(HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS' "IF THIS IS IT" PLAYS)
But I love that you blindly support everything that I do!
So, yes, I hate you, and I love you.
Maybe you're done being my mom,
but I will never be done being your son.
* And tell me that you need me *
* Girl don't cry * That is the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
* And tell me nothing's wrong * Really?
Of course.
* I'll be all right * And let's be honest.
I couldn't be done even if I wanted to.
* One way or another
* So, let me go *
* Or make me want to stay *
* If this is it *
* Ooh, wop *
* Please let me know *
* Ooh, whoa *
* If this ain't love * Hey.
* You better let me go * Go away.
No.
* If this is it * (SIGHS)
We got to talk about college.
* I wanna know, oh, oh * Why?
You got what you wanted.
* If this ain't love, baby * You're going to Penn on your own.
* Just say so * You're no longer the middle child.
Did you mean what you said?
You really wanna go to college with me?
Yes.
I went on my own and completely screwed up.
Honestly, it seemed way less scary
when I thought you'd be there, too.
I always thought it was easy being the oldest,
but I get it now.
You have to do everything first
and pave the way for the rest of us.
That I do. Doesn't matter anymore.
'Cause Penn's about to get a double dose of the Goldbergs.
You mean it?
See you around campus?
* If this is it *
Not if I see you first.
I might just be the happiest I've ever been.
I've got two kids going to college.
Who wants a hug and a twirl?
(GASPS) All you.
* Please let me know *
(CHUCKLES) We'll twirl later.
ADULT ADAM: That night, my brother realized that being in the middle
meant being surrounded by people who love you.
* Please let me know * Nothing felt better.
This one may just be my favorite.
(CHUCKLES) Even though you said you hated me
on Mother's Day and made me cry.
I'm gonna hear about this for the rest of my life, aren't I?
I'm sure I'll forget in about 30 years.
* Ooh, ooh *
* Just say so *
* If this is it *
**
Hello, everyone. We're here with
the one, the only Beverly Goldberg.
Is it true?
Did Adam really say "I hate you" on Mother's Day?
Those were his exact words.
"I hate you, Mom."
And it was particularly hurtful
because Adam was my youngest,
and he used to hang out with me all the time.
I was devastated and cried when he said those words.
Have you ever been "done" with your kids?
Yes, for about two hours.
No matter what they do in life, they're mine for life.
If you had to take a break from one of your sons,
which one of them would you be done with?
I thought you were gonna ask me
who would take a break from me.
(BOTH LAUGH)
You know, I've been thinking a lot about "Willow,"
and I gotta say, the movie stayed with me.
Me too, bro! I mean, Val Kilmer!
Val Kilmer!
That dude is awesome in everything he does.
"Top Secret," "Real Genius," "Lost Boys."
Val Kilmer isn't in "Lost Boys."
Of course he is.
He's the vampire with the face and the fangs.
I will bet you 20 large that you are dead wrong, Dave Kim.
You are so on!
We'll just go to the public library, scan the microfiche,
and pore over every People magazine on file.
After hours of researching and cross-referencing, boom!
We will have our answer!
Dude. Our modern world is awesome.