1
00:00:01,035 --> 00:00:02,603
ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
before Kickstarter,

2
00:00:02,636 --> 00:00:06,140
the best way to raise money
for charity was telethons.

3
00:00:06,174 --> 00:00:08,742
These marathon sessions of
entertainment had it all.

4
00:00:08,776 --> 00:00:11,479
From top-tier talent
to tuxedoed hosts.

5
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:15,349
So when Erica's friend Ren
decided she wanted to
raise money for Earth Day,

6
00:00:15,383 --> 00:00:17,151
she knew exactly how.
Bandit. Dance, Bandit!

7
00:00:17,185 --> 00:00:19,053
This dog ballerina
is transcendent!

8
00:00:19,087 --> 00:00:21,622
My mom still can't get
Rugby to pee outside.
(DOG BARKS)

9
00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:24,125
Damn. How long
can she stand up
on her paws like that?

10
00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:25,359
Well, considering
I have to fill

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00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:28,796
another 36 hours
of this telethon,
I'm hoping 19 hours.

12
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:30,531
And they're done.
So, what's next?

13
00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:31,832
I don't know, Geoff.

14
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,467
Do you have any special
talent besides asking
stupid questions?

15
00:00:33,501 --> 00:00:35,035
Well, I guess
I'm easily hurt
by insults.

16
00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:36,970
So that's a no.
Thank you for your help.

17
00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:39,173
Wow. Ren seems
pretty stressed about
the whole Earth Day thing.

18
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She shouldn't be.
'Cause Barry's here,
and the environment is clear!

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00:00:42,276 --> 00:00:44,044
That literally makes
no sense.

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Plus, it's well-established
that you are no friend
of this planet.

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I saw you huck a Mountain Dew
bottle into the woods.

22
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Which then became
a beaver's tool or weapon!

23
00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:53,321
Are you on
the beaver's side or not?

24
00:00:53,354 --> 00:00:54,388
Who's the beaver's enemy?

25
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Chipmunks.
Wolves. Coyotes.

26
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Foxes. Gators.
Bigger beavers.

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Just tell me
why you're doing this.

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To win Ren's heart.

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00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:02,196
And all the other
good parts.

30
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Ugh! How many times
do I have to say this?

31
00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:05,699
Just stay away
from my friends!

32
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:07,835
Tell them
to stay away from me!

33
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She kissed me twice!
On spring break!

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That is the one time a year
that you are allowed to
make horrible mistakes

35
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because of heatstroke
and slushy rum drinks.

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We connected.

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Then our lips connected!

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We're obviously
meant to be.

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Have you guys even spoken
since those kisses?

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Not with words,
but with fleeting looks
and playful smiles.

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So no.
Amazing news!

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I got Ed Begley Jr.

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Dr. Victor Ehrlich
from the NBC medical drama
St. Elsewhere?

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I guess. He's also
a well-known environmentalist
and oddball.

45
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He's bringing
his recumbent bike!

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Big deal.
I can do a wheelie
on a ten-speed.

47
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Okay, I've locked down
another hour,

48
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and I've only got
30 more to go.

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Seems like a lot.
So much.
I'm in real trouble.

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But Ed Begley Jr.!

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Am I crazy, or do good things
happen when we're together?

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Let's celebrate
with a soulful,
lingering hug.

53
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Or a platonic group one.
Yes!

54
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My family did one
every morning
before school

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to kick-start my day.
Ah!

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What?
I got to go.

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No, this warm body
wasn't meant for you!

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Get off me!

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* I'm twisted up inside

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* But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

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00:02:03,090 --> 00:02:04,625
* I don't know the future

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* But the past keeps getting
clearer every day *

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ADULT ADAM:
It was April 22nd,
1980-something,

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00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:12,065
and my dad and Bill
were enjoying

65
00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:13,934
the two things
they loved most...

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Sports and chicken.

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Another chicken wing,
Bill?

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00:02:16,837 --> 00:02:19,106
(SIGHS) Mur, I am
stuffed to the gills.

69
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,641
But I can't say no.

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Eating from a helmet
is just too fun.

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Yeah, it is. It's almost like
you're in the game.

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What game?

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All you two do
is sit around

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and get ranch dressing
inside the remote.

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Spicy drumstick?

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Have you guys ever had
a real conversation?

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You're supposed to be
best friends.

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Best friends
who don't yakety-yak

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and try and get
below the surface.

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Spicy drumstick?
Fine.

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* Double good Doublemint gum *

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(CHUCKLES) Get a load
of these two lovebirds.

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One stick of chewing gum,

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and they're out on a lake
and having fun.

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Twins creep me out.

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It's not what God intended,

87
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but it's nice
that they found each other.

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Heck, I'm thinking
it might be time

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for me to find someone myself.
(WHOOSH)

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Bill, did I hear you right?

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Are you really ready
to be set up?

92
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Where did you come from?

93
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I didn't even know
you were in the house.

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I suppose it might be time
to jump back on the old horse.

95
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As long as the horse
is a lady and not
too broken-down.

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00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,255
Ohh, this is the best news!

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Oh, you're finally
over your wife,

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and your heart
is open to love.

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Sure, it's that.

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And recently,
my appendix broke

101
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and I couldn't find anyone
to take me to the hospital

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for three days.

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You know you can call.

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I don't like to bother.

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Your remarkable
tale of survival

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is gonna have
a happy ending

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because Beverly Goldberg
is on the case,

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and my Yenta-dex
is ready to find you love.

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Let's do it.

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It's time for Bill
to flex his love muscle.

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Oh, I'm sorry.
That was unnecessarily visual.

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ADULT ADAM: And so
my mom went to work.

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Great news, Bill.

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Female loneliness
is at an all-time high.

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Oh, (BLEEP) no.

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It was Jane Bales...

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The only Yenta in town
Yenta enough

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to go toe-to-toe
with my Yenta mom.

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Hello, Beverly.

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Bill, please tell me
you're not so desperate

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for human companionship

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that you'd hitch your cart
to this old pack mule.

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We're not
romantically entwined.

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Jane's here to help
set me up, too.

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What's that, now?
Word travels fast

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when you harass
every available lady
in Montgomery County.

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I figured the more Yentas,
the merrier.

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You figured wrong.

129
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Jane couldn't set up
mac with cheese.

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I put cornflakes
and lobster in mine,

131
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and it'll make
your tongue cry.

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Ever set up a rabbi
with a geisha?

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I have. Twice.

134
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Once, I set up
a man in a wheelchair

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with the woman
who ran him down.

136
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I was once attacked
by a mountain man on a hike
who spoke only in grunts.

137
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After I got to safety,

138
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I set him up with
a patent attorney from Boston.

139
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That's how good I am.

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Maybe work together?
Opposite!

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We are gonna go
toe-to-toe

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in a no-holds-barred
Yenta cage match.

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Winner take all!

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A classic Yenta-Off.
I'm in.

145
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I just wanted someone
to eat a meal with,
but okay.

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Let's do this thing
where you go to lady war.

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As my mom and Jane
were matchmaking,

148
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Barry was trying to forge
a match of his own.

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It's super simple.
All you have to do
is take down their name,

150
00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:45,519
info, and how much
they'd like to pledge.

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00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:46,954
And don't
forget the "please"
and "thank you."

152
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Also, I like
to add a little
"whoo-whoo-whoo!"

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if they pledge
more than $50.

154
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(TELEPHONE RINGS)
I got this.

155
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Go for Barry.

156
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Yes, this is
Earth Day Headquarters.

157
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Who's this? Myron?
(CHUCKLES)

158
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That's a brutal name.
Do your parents hate you?

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Also, please
and thank you.

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(DIAL TONE)
Hello?

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Yeah, Bar, I think
you might be suited
for a more important role

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in the Earth Day
celebration...

163
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As a producer.

164
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I like the sound of that!
It's so vague and powerful.

165
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So, I need you to produce
some sweat towels

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for our ventriloquist
on a unicycle.
Thanks so much.

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Damn it! How do I get
Ren's attention?

168
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You don't,
'cause she's super busy.

169
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I know. She's running
this whole thing.
We're both alphas.

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We have everything
in common.

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So just stop trying so hard
and just be the great guy
we all know and love.

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Matt Bradley?
You!

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Right. That was my plan,

174
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but Ren is so caught up
in saving the stupid planet.

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What about
things that matter... Me?

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Well, if you want to
win Ren's heart,

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then just bring her
a cheesesteak from Geno's.
It's her favorite.

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That's so much easier
than telling her nice things

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or asking her
about herself.

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I am so proud of you.
That was very mature and...

181
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(GASPS) Oh, no!
You have an evil smile
'cause Ren's a vegetarian!

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One whiff of that
greasy meat pile

183
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and she will never
want to talk to
Barry ever again.

184
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I will find someone
to scratch your itch.

185
00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:55,723
Just get onstage.
Thanks.

186
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But he made a commitment!

187
00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:58,191
(RECEIVER CLACKS)
Damn it!

188
00:05:58,225 --> 00:06:00,293
Good news?
Ed Begley Jr. is not coming!

189
00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:02,062
His corn-powered
three-wheeled car
broke down.

190
00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:04,732
I think I have just
the thing to turn that
frown upside down.

191
00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:08,335
What is that?
It's sliced beef smothered
in cheese and onions,

192
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all tucked sloppily in
a meat-juice drenched bun.

193
00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:14,174
Oh, that is absolutely vile.
Please get that away from me.

194
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,276
But I had them top it
with some pig cracklin's
for crunch.

195
00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:18,011
I... That needs to
get out of here.

196
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:19,913
ADULT ADAM: As Barry looked
for a way in with Ren,

197
00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:22,215
my mom had a plan
to get Bill out on the town.

198
00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:26,386
All right. Take me
to your lady garden
so I can pluck a flower.

199
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:28,456
Bad start. I-I just
want to meet a gal.

200
00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:30,190
And meet a gal
you shall.

201
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:34,027
I have over 300 beautiful
bachelorettes
for your perusing.

202
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:36,363
300 women?
That's more than
I've met in my whole life.

203
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,766
But don't
mistake quantity
for quality.

204
00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:42,002
Lucky for you, I am here
to turn Beverly's misses

205
00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:44,705
into your missus.
(LAUGHS)

206
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:45,773
Oof!

207
00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:48,709
Please give a warm welcome
to Janice Crowley.

208
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:51,545
What a beautiful name!
She's my number-one gal.

209
00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:53,947
And is that a witch's wart?

210
00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:56,349
That is a mole,
and we're keeping
an eye on it.

211
00:06:56,383 --> 00:06:59,119
How could you not?
It's smack-dab
in the middle of her nose.

212
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:01,522
But beggars can't be choosers.
Where does she live?

213
00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:05,258
Bill, there is no need
to settle on this hag
from Beverly's coven.

214
00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:07,495
(CLEARS THROAT)
Bachelorette number two.

215
00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:11,431
Get ready to pop
the question to Jenkintown's
newest retiree,

216
00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:12,766
Gladys Finklebaum.

217
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,202
Kinda looks like my mom,
but hey, I'm down to clown.

218
00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:17,771
The question
I'd like to pop is,
how old is that biddy?

219
00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:20,908
Okay, fine. How about someone
who's brimming with life?

220
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,576
Welcome Tiffany D'Amber.

221
00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:23,944
Whoa! She's quite youthful.

222
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:26,246
Maybe too youthful.
Is that a jump rope
in her hands?

223
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,148
You seem off your game,
Beverly.

224
00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:30,217
There's just not
a lot of gold out there
at the moment.

225
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,685
And yet there is.

226
00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:34,988
I brought just one candidate,
the perfect one.

227
00:07:35,022 --> 00:07:37,525
Sweet Snow White,
she's pretty as a princess!

228
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:40,928
Dolores is even better
than a Disney princess...
She's real.

229
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,162
That's my number-one criteria.

230
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:44,064
There's gotta be
something wrong with her.

231
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:46,233
What is she,
uh, splotchy?
Blotchy?

232
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:48,636
Rashy? Acne-d?
Stinky? No pinkies?

233
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:49,937
None of those
are deal breakers!

234
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:53,807
She's normal and sweet
and kind and right
outside that door.

235
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:56,544
She's been
waiting outside
this whole time?

236
00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:58,111
That's how confident I am.

237
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:03,551
Va-va-va-voom!
It's the woman
from the picture!

238
00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:05,352
Hi, Bill.
I'm Dolores.

239
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,287
Hi, Bill.
I'm also Dolores. Oh!

240
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,322
I'm as nervous
as a June bride.

241
00:08:09,356 --> 00:08:11,925
Would you like to grab
some coffee
or a lifetime of memories?

242
00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:12,993
Coffee sounds fun.

243
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,194
Nice work, Jane!

244
00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:16,129
(LAUGHS) Dolores!
(DOLORES LAUGHS)

245
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:18,732
How could you
bring that woman
into my home,

246
00:08:18,766 --> 00:08:20,200
where my children sleep?

247
00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:23,771
You're just upset
'cause now it's clear
who the best Yenta is.

248
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:25,806
Oh, please.
They have zero chemistry.

249
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,641
Oh, they're making out
on your lawn.

250
00:08:27,675 --> 00:08:29,142
Damn it! I got to hit
the sprinklers.

251
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,211
ADULT ADAM: While my mom
struck out finding Bill love,

252
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:33,647
Barry was still determined
to get up to bat with Ren.

253
00:08:33,681 --> 00:08:34,848
Hey!

254
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:37,150
Pops, it's a romantic
emergency.

255
00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,686
I need to wow a gal.

256
00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:41,288
It's easy...
Chocolates and daffodils.

257
00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:43,757
Wrong. Adam, I've seen
the girls you drag home.

258
00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:45,593
They're all better
than you.
I'm not that bad.

259
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:46,927
You're garbage,
and they're nines.

260
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,128
Tell me
your sorcerer's spell.

261
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,997
I guess I listen...

262
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:52,465
Shut up! I can't bear
to hear you drone on.

263
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:54,067
Pops, I'm back to you.

264
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:55,936
No, you're being a putz.

265
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,337
Adam,
I'm tagging you back in.

266
00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,007
Just find something Ren
likes and do that.

267
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,209
As boring as that sounds,
that might work.

268
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:04,477
She needs a celebrity
for her charity telethon.

269
00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:05,846
So get her a celebrity.

270
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:08,515
You'll be a hero,
and she'll shower you
with kisses.

271
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:09,950
I like this
shower-kiss plan.

272
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:11,885
Finally,
your tired brain kicked in.

273
00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:14,622
But what celebrity can I score
on such short notice?

274
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:18,892
But I heard John Oates
of R&B super duo
Daryl Hall & John Oates

275
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:20,327
went to our dentist once.

276
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,963
It's decided!
Adam will pretend
to need a checkup,

277
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:24,732
break into the files,

278
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:27,000
retrieve Oates'
personal details,

279
00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:29,102
bring 'em to me,
I'll cold-call him

280
00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:30,971
and convince him
with my insurmountable charm

281
00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:32,840
to play for whatever
charity this is for.

282
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:34,842
It's Earth Day.
And why can't you go?

283
00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:38,345
I was just there
two years ago...
Too suspicious.

284
00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:39,446
Move it!
Fine!

285
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:41,081
I'd rather be
at the dentist
than here.

286
00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:43,050
(TELEPHONE DIALING)
So here I go, I guess.

287
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:47,755
Ren? Yep, I just locked down
Daryl Hall & John Oates
for your telethon.

288
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:48,922
REN: What?
Barry,

289
00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:50,924
this is a terrible plan.

290
00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:52,626
That's right!
Barry did it!

291
00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:54,294
I'll have 'em there
tonight.

292
00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:56,529
Oh, my God!

293
00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:59,266
That's too soon for something
that'll never happen.

294
00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:01,168
Sure, make yourself
feel better.

295
00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:03,637
Daffodils?
I feel sad for you.

296
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:10,243
ADULT ADAM: Barry's
surefire way to secure
Daryl Hall & John Oates

297
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:13,246
was to send me
to the dentist.
Only one problem.

298
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:14,915
I had seven cavities, man!

299
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,918
No one cares about
your tragic dental hygiene.

300
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,352
Did you get
Oates' number?

301
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:22,489
I was sitting in that chair
for three hours
fighting for my life.

302
00:10:22,522 --> 00:10:24,557
So stop drinking juice.

303
00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:26,193
Oates me!
I did get something.

304
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:28,495
(GASPS) The world-famous lips
that wrote Maneater

305
00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:30,330
are in my hands!
I guess.

306
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:32,232
How'd you score
these luscious choppers?

307
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:34,334
My brain was flying
so high on nitrous

308
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:36,770
that I lost all fear
or sense of morality.

309
00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:38,138
Been there.
Go on.

310
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:40,240
Then I slipped on
a Highlights magazine,

311
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:42,475
crashed into a poster
about flossing,

312
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:43,777
but I swiped it.

313
00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:45,345
And look!
There's a phone number!

314
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:47,280
I did it!
I found Oates!

315
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,982
(TELEPHONE DIALING)
I did undergo
major oral surgery

316
00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:50,250
and commit a misdemeanor,

317
00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:52,219
but sure, you looked
at something in your hand.

318
00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:55,756
Yes, I'd like
to ask John Oates
to be on a telethon.

319
00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:57,891
What?
A lab in Arizona?

320
00:10:57,925 --> 00:10:58,992
Pssh!
(RECEIVER CLACKS)

321
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:01,461
Yeah, we're not
getting John Oates.
Great!

322
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,997
I had a man's hand
in my mouth for hours,
all for nothing.

323
00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:07,067
That man's hand inside of you
meant everything!

324
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:09,236
So there's only one
logical thing to do.

325
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:11,004
More carrots,
less Reese's Pieces?

326
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:15,442
You and I must become
Daryl Hall & John Oates.

327
00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:17,711
Ooh, fun!
And... What?

328
00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:20,013
I'll be Hall.
You'll be Oates.

329
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:23,683
And we'll nail our performance
with such utter perfection,

330
00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:26,153
no one will be able
to distinguish us
from the real thing.

331
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,822
I'm still a little fuzzy from
the gas, but that seems right.

332
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:31,491
As Barry and I transformed
into music legends,

333
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,827
my dad was wondering
where his bandmate was.

334
00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:36,196
Ah, the Phillies suck!
Where's Bill?

335
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:38,298
I need him to boo
our favorite team together.

336
00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:39,499
Please.

337
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,334
Bill's probably waking up
in a bathtub full of ice

338
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:44,204
because Jane Bales' match
has taken his spleen,
liver, and nipple.

339
00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:45,672
No one steals a nipple.

340
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:46,840
You don't know!

341
00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:48,308
Those sensitive
little buttons

342
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:50,643
are in big demand
on the black market.

343
00:11:50,677 --> 00:11:51,979
They put 'em in soups.

344
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:53,046
I guess I asked.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)

345
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,015
Hey, hey, hey!
Beverly Goldberg!

346
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:57,317
There's my walking ray
of sunshine!

347
00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:59,519
I suppose I do brighten
any room I'm in.

348
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:00,921
And my Mur-man.

349
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:03,556
Looks like this
big bowl of ice cream
could use a cherry on top.

350
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:04,657
Whoop!

351
00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:05,859
Mwah!
Oh!

352
00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,227
Ugh! Get off!
What's that smell?

353
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:09,863
Dial soap.
It's the fragrance
of bath time.

354
00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:11,298
And you're wearing
a sweater.

355
00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:13,000
It's something called
Merino wool.

356
00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:14,835
It's not the best,
but it's not the worst.

357
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:16,369
So, y-you're happy?

358
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:19,172
Dolores is fun.
She's interesting.
She does stuff.

359
00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:20,507
We went on a walk!

360
00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:22,509
If you like walks so much,
sit down.

361
00:12:22,542 --> 00:12:24,011
Steve Carlton's
about to give up another one.

362
00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:25,745
No can do, my friend.

363
00:12:25,779 --> 00:12:28,248
Dolores and I are going to
dinner at a restaurant.

364
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:30,150
You should come and see
how great she is for yourself.

365
00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:31,751
We'll be there.

366
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:33,921
I'm gonna test her and see
if she really is a good match

367
00:12:33,954 --> 00:12:35,755
or just another
Jane Bales dud.

368
00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:38,725
Seems like you should just be
happy for me, but okay!

369
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,060
Ha-ha!

370
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:42,429
I'm gonna expose Dolores
for the fraud she is.
(DOOR CLOSES)

371
00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:45,265
And Jane Bales
will be banned from
Yenta-ing forever.

372
00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:46,900
Which one's Jane Bales,
again?

373
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:49,702
ADULT ADAM: And so
my mom set out to do
what she did best...

374
00:12:49,736 --> 00:12:52,039
Systematically destroy
a budding relationship.

375
00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:53,740
So, what's everybody
drinking?

376
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:54,942
Hm, Dolores?

377
00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:57,510
Just six glasses of wine
because of your problem?

378
00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:58,879
Oh, I'm kind of
a lightweight.

379
00:12:58,912 --> 00:12:59,980
(CHUCKLES)
I'll just have a beer.

380
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,882
Me too.
Good call!

381
00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:04,551
(CHUCKLES)
We're still not
sure about you.

382
00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:06,353
I have no opinion.

383
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:08,588
Oh, Dolores,
I see you looking at

384
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:11,892
the expensive side
of the menu, huh?
You like nice things?

385
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:13,193
Guilty as charged! (LAUGHS)

386
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:16,296
Aha! You're gonna bleed
Bill's already meager
life savings dry.

387
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,765
Oh, well, actually,
I make more money
than Bill.

388
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,100
She knows
fancy finance words

389
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,768
like "dividend"
and "checking account."

390
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,004
And you'll always
feel inferior
because of it.

391
00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:26,806
Nuh-unh! I'm ready
for my full-time job
to be foot rubber.

392
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,241
Well, I'm hiring!

393
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:31,278
Yeah, well,
keep your hands off her dogs
while I'm eating my soup.

394
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,746
Beverly, I didn't know
when to bring this up,

395
00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:36,416
but I am a huge fan
of your cookbook.

396
00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:37,484
You are?

397
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:39,419
Would you mind
signing mine for me?

398
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:40,787
Here? Now?

399
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:43,090
I have my own
smudge-proof pen!

400
00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:44,257
And please don't tell me

401
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:46,293
that you bedazzled
that gorgeous
sweater yourself.

402
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,929
I did bedazzle
this beauty myself.

403
00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:52,299
How are you so amazing
and friends with Jane Bales?

404
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:54,101
Jane and I
aren't really friends.

405
00:13:54,134 --> 00:13:56,803
Between you and me,
she's a strong cup of coffee.

406
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,605
She is a piece of (BLEEP).

407
00:13:58,638 --> 00:13:59,940
(LAUGHS)

408
00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:02,275
Bill, we are so lucky
we found Dolores!

409
00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:03,410
Aww!

410
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:04,811
ADULT ADAM: As my mom
warmed up to Dolores,

411
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,779
my brother and I
were comin' in hot.

412
00:14:06,813 --> 00:14:07,948
Sorry I'm late.

413
00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:09,983
I got sidetracked
hugging some trees outside.

414
00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:11,618
I cannot
thank you enough.

415
00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:12,852
So, where are they?

416
00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:14,287
They're preparing
all their hits.

417
00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:15,622
You can announce
them in five.

418
00:14:15,655 --> 00:14:17,224
(SQUEALS, LAUGHS)
You're the best.

419
00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:22,162
Without knowing any facts,
what incredibly stupid thing
did you do?

420
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,631
He promised her that
Daryl Hall & John Oates
would perform,

421
00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:26,533
but instead, we are.
What?

422
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:27,667
I'm gonna go try
and get ready,

423
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:28,835
even though there's no way.

424
00:14:29,569 --> 00:14:31,704
Barry,
please don't do this.

425
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,206
I see what this is!

426
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,474
You're cheesesteaking me!

427
00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:36,509
You're telling me
to do the opposite

428
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:37,710
of what will make Ren happy

429
00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:38,912
'cause you don't want us
to be together.

430
00:14:38,946 --> 00:14:40,981
I promise I am not
cheesesteaking you.

431
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,515
I'm trying
to protect you.

432
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,517
Ladies and gentlemen,
it is my pleasure

433
00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:48,621
to welcome Philadelphia's
very own
Daryl Hall & John Oates!

434
00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:50,057
See you at our wedding!

435
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:51,992
ADULT ADAM: Yeah,
we thought of everything.

436
00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:54,661
Except for the part
where we both dressed
as the same rock star.

437
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,364
You're supposed
to be Oates, dummy!

438
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,099
I am Oates!
You're supposed to be Hall!

439
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:00,333
This is what Hall
looks like!

440
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,702
* Oh-oh, here she comes

441
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,104
Dude,
Hall's the tall blond!

442
00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:05,738
Oates is
the mustachioed one!

443
00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:08,041
* Oh-oh, here she comes

444
00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:09,676
You need to sing
the Hall parts!

445
00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:11,311
I just know
the backing vocals!

446
00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:12,946
* Oh-oh, here she comes

447
00:15:13,513 --> 00:15:14,547
What are we gonna do?

448
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,549
I guess you sing
the part you know.

449
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:18,551
* Oh-oh, here she comes

450
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:19,652
* She's a m... *

451
00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:21,654
(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS)

452
00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:23,023
What the hell, Barry?

453
00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:25,192
I'm sorry.
Let us do Rich Girl!

454
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:27,127
No! I don't want you to do
anything ever again.

455
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,228
Just leave.

456
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:30,430
Oh, no.
I warned you.

457
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:31,698
This is all your fault!

458
00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:33,100
Me? How am I
to blame for this?

459
00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:35,535
If you were honest with me
in the first place,

460
00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:38,138
I would've
listened to you now!
Thanks for nothing.

461
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:40,540
(FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING)

462
00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:41,975
And why did you
agree to this?

463
00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:43,543
Honestly, the last thing
I remember

464
00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:45,045
is a dental assistant
asking me

465
00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:46,846
if I had someone
to drive me home.

466
00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:50,450
ADULT ADAM: As we flamed out,
Jane Bales was burning mad
at my mom.

467
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:52,585
Beverly Goldberg!
How could you?

468
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:55,055
You can't prove it,
and I'll deny it
to my grave!

469
00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:56,323
Also, what is this about?

470
00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:57,624
Dolores broke up with Bill.

471
00:15:57,657 --> 00:15:59,759
She said she thought
we weren't a good fit.

472
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,062
But she's the ham
to my pocket filled with ham.

473
00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:04,864
Which means you clearly did
something to sabotage them.

474
00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:07,567
I mean, I went to dinner
with the intention
of doing something,

475
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:08,768
but then I liked her.

476
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:11,638
You just couldn't handle
that I found Bill love
and not you.

477
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,873
I still remember
the last place we kissed.

478
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:14,941
Mouths.

479
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,177
Why, Beverly?
Why do you hate love?

480
00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:18,278
I didn't do this!

481
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,080
Who would do this
if it wasn't you?

482
00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:21,248
It was me, okay?

483
00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:23,283
Murray?
What did you do
to that woman?

484
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:27,320
I just told her that Bill was
so crushed after his wife left

485
00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:29,656
that he wasn't ready
for another relationship.

486
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:30,757
Why?

487
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:32,992
It was just
all happening too fast.

488
00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:35,828
I saw you all these years
destroyed by love,

489
00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:37,897
and I didn't want to
see it happen again.

490
00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:39,632
But Dolores
makes me happy.

491
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,468
I was just looking
out for you, buddy.

492
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:42,935
If you were
really my buddy,

493
00:16:42,969 --> 00:16:44,671
you wouldn't have
sucker-punched my heart.

494
00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:45,938
Bill...
No!

495
00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:47,040
Murray,
maybe you're right.

496
00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:49,376
Maybe I'm meant
to be alone.

497
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,678
(SIGHING) I knew I didn't
need to get my doorbell fixed.

498
00:16:54,814 --> 00:16:57,950
ADULT ADAM: Barry's attempt
to wow Ren didn't exactly
go as planned.

499
00:16:57,984 --> 00:17:00,920
I can't believe we both
dressed up like Daryl Hall.

500
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:04,023
Oates! We're both Oates!
How are you still
not getting that?

501
00:17:04,057 --> 00:17:06,025
I guess I just
screw up everything.

502
00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:07,760
Stupid mustache.

503
00:17:07,794 --> 00:17:09,028
Oww! Ohh!

504
00:17:09,062 --> 00:17:10,497
Just take it off
like this.

505
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:11,931
On, off.

506
00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:13,600
On, off.

507
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,001
Oates, Hall.

508
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,369
Oates, Hall.

509
00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:17,504
Mine doesn't do that.

510
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:18,938
What kind of adhesive
did you use?

511
00:17:18,971 --> 00:17:20,307
The stuff
Dad seals the tub with.

512
00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:22,209
That's not meant
for the human face!

513
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:23,843
This bagel duster's
gonna be on forever!

514
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:24,877
Hey.

515
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:26,346
Hey.

516
00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:28,648
Yeah, I'll let
you guys talk.

517
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:32,952
How's it going?

518
00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:34,854
(SIGHS) Not so great.

519
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,357
I embarrassed myself
in front of a girl I like,

520
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,392
but even worse,
I let her down.

521
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:41,494
Why'd you lie about
Daryl Hall & John Oates?

522
00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:42,895
I thought
I could get them.

523
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:46,399
And I tried, but I-I only
ended up with their teeth.

524
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:48,368
(SIGHS)
I feel like
there's more there,

525
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,370
but I'm just
not gonna ask.

526
00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:53,406
I'm sorry
I ruined your telethon.

527
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,342
Here's the thing,
you didn't.

528
00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:57,910
Everyone thought it was
some goofy comedy act

529
00:17:57,944 --> 00:18:00,447
called Oates & Oates,
so we got a ton of donations.

530
00:18:01,948 --> 00:18:03,082
So I kinda helped?

531
00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:04,584
You kinda did.

532
00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:07,420
But next time,
just talk to me.

533
00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:10,390
I wanted to,
but you were so busy,

534
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:14,261
and Erica convinced me you
only kissed me on spring break
because it was your vacation.

535
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:15,962
Well, she doesn't know
everything.

536
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:18,064
You kinda like me, too?

537
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:21,168
(CHUCKLES) A guy that would
go through all of this effort

538
00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:22,902
to support something
that's important to me...

539
00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:26,606
What's not to like?

540
00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:29,209
(DARYL HALL & JOHN OATES'
KISS ON MY LIST PLAYS)

541
00:18:29,242 --> 00:18:30,410
Wait.
This isn't right.

542
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:33,313
Oh, no. 'Cause I'm not
a viable romantic partner?

543
00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:35,382
(CHUCKLES)
No, dummy.

544
00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:36,516
This!

545
00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:38,785
Oww! Ohh!
(LAUGHS)

546
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:40,387
* Because your kiss,
your kiss is on my list

547
00:18:40,420 --> 00:18:43,856
ADULT ADAM: The truth is,
we all do crazy stuff
for the people we care about,

548
00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:45,392
even if it doesn't
always work out.

549
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:47,627
I don't get it.
I thought you wanted
Bill to be happy.

550
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:50,230
I do.

551
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:52,098
I just didn't want to
see him get hurt again.

552
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:57,570
Honestly, you not supporting
your friend hurts more.

553
00:18:57,604 --> 00:18:59,506
Well, that's not
what I want.

554
00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:00,740
Bill's the best.

555
00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:02,309
He deserves
all the good stuff.

556
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,911
Then tell him that.

557
00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:07,614
Not talking to each other,
it's kind of our thing.

558
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,684
Well, maybe
it shouldn't be.

559
00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:13,920
* Because your kiss,
your kiss is on my list

560
00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:15,788
Oh, it's you.

561
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:17,324
I was kinda hoping
you were somebody else.

562
00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:18,625
Here she is.

563
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:19,692
Hi, Bill.

564
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:21,428
My gummy bear's back!

565
00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:22,795
(BOTH LAUGH)

566
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:24,897
I'll give you guys
a minute.

567
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,132
Okay.

568
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,900
(INHALES DEEPLY)

569
00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:30,637
Listen, what I said about
not wanting you to get hurt?

570
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:31,704
It's true.
I meant it.

571
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:32,905
I appreciate that.

572
00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:34,774
Here's the thing...

573
00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:37,009
I don't have
a lot of people
in my life.

574
00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:38,345
You're my friend.

575
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:39,612
My one friend.

576
00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:41,013
Right back atcha.

577
00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:45,552
We spend every Sunday
watching TV at my house,

578
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:48,321
and the thought of that
not happening...

579
00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:50,490
That's a thought
you don't need to have.

580
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:51,791
There's not
a woman in the world

581
00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:53,493
that can come between me
and my best bud.

582
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,161
Really?
Really.

583
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:56,696
Now bring it in.

584
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:58,398
Let old Bill
get his arms around you.

585
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:03,636
ADULT ADAM: Turns out,
accepting what makes
the people you love happy

586
00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:06,038
can make us all
happier in the end.

587
00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:08,040
Hey, I'll grab you
another slice.

588
00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:11,177
You sure you're okay
with this?

589
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:12,645
Yeah, I suppose.

590
00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:15,181
I mean, you are
two of my favorite people.

591
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,683
ADULT ADAM: 'Cause when
we open our hearts,

592
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:19,852
we can all find new ways
to grow... Together.

593
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:22,522
Enjoy your game.
We're going shopping.

594
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:26,493
After all, sharing moments
with people we love,
both old and new...

595
00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:29,061
That's one of
the best things in life.

596
00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:33,566
* When I turn out the lights *

597
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,835
**

598
00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:37,370
Hi. I'm Wendi
McLendon-Covey,

599
00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:40,006
and I play Beverly Goldberg
on The Goldbergs.

600
00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:42,141
We have a character
called Bill Lewis,

601
00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:43,610
and I've got some
questions for you.

602
00:20:43,643 --> 00:20:45,312
What advice
would you give someone

603
00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:48,315
who's going to work
for Beverly Goldberg?

604
00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:50,383
Wear a set of earplugs.
(LAUGHS)

605
00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:53,886
Well, that's it.

606
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,155
The Earth Day telethon
is over for another year.

607
00:20:56,188 --> 00:20:57,624
You should be
so proud of yourself.

608
00:20:57,657 --> 00:20:59,225
I mean, you filled
two straight days

609
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:00,693
with wall-to-wall
entertainment.

610
00:21:00,727 --> 00:21:03,563
I guess, but I still didn't
get anyone famous.

611
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:04,797
Damn it!

612
00:21:04,831 --> 00:21:07,567
I was so close
to Daryl Hall & John Oates.

613
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,602
(STRUMMING GUITAR)
* Whoa-oh, here she come *

614
00:21:09,636 --> 00:21:12,439
What the hell, man?
Are you mocking me?

615
00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:14,441
Oh, no, I-I was just
messing around.

616
00:21:14,474 --> 00:21:15,808
I-I'm sorry.
You should be.

617
00:21:15,842 --> 00:21:17,209
But me and my buddy,
we got this band,

618
00:21:17,243 --> 00:21:18,745
and I thought
maybe next year...
Hard no.

619
00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:20,580
But don't you guys got
a bunch of hours to fill?

620
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:23,082
Hard no!
Sweet 'stache, though.

621
00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:26,118
Oh, well, thanks.
It's, uh, kinda my thing.

622
00:21:26,152 --> 00:21:27,219
(BELL DINGS)

623
00:21:27,253 --> 00:21:28,788
**