ADULT ADAM: Ah, the '80s, the golden age of TV theme songs.
Seemed like every show had a tune you couldn't get out of your head,
but the catchiest was The Golden Girls,
a show about four saucy seniors enjoying their twilight years.
When they came on, you couldn't help but sing along.
* Thank you for being a friend
* Traveled down the road and back again
* Your heart is true
* You're a pal and a confidant
* Boom boom boom
* And if you threw a party
* And invited everyone you knew
* You would see the biggest gift would be from me
* And the card attached would say
* "Thank you for being a friend" *
Good song, great ladies.
Oh, Blanche!
* I'm twisted up inside
* But nonetheless I feel the need to say
* I don't know the future
* But the past keeps getting clearer every day *
ADULT ADAM: It was January 3, 1980-something
and winter break was going great for Erica.
She was sleeping in, chilling out,
and still falling for her boyfriend, Geoff. Hard.
What the hell? Ugh!
Good morning, clumsy pants!
What... The hell?
It's day 27 of our winter break.
I wanted to surprise you with something special.
How did you even get in here? Love finds a way.
Also there's a basement window that doesn't lock.
Dude, you've done something special every single day!
Aw, you noticed! Oh, I've noticed.
The flowers, the mix tapes,
the Mariachi band that was really nice at first
and then they overstayed their welcome.
Okay, well, did you ever think that I do all this to compensate
for what you do, which is nothing.
I'm on winter break! I'm supposed to do nothing!
I'm just saying, it would be nice
if you went all out for me once in a while.
Where are my rose petals and Mariachis
who play three songs too many?
Look, you know that I love you and stuff, so what more do you need?
White horses. What?
White horses... What?
White horses? Get them, try it.
Okay, I don't know what you're saying, but don't count on it.
Why the hell are my stairs covered in garbage?
That was all Geoff.
Yeah, he threw a bunch of wildly dangerous rose petals all over the place.
Which I adore!
This isn't a damn botanical garden.
Go get a broom, Schwartz.
I see where you get it from.
**
Is he going to go get a broom or what?
ADULT ADAM: While Erica turned a cold shoulder to love,
my mom was warming her heart with her favorite TV gal pals.
Shmoops. The Golden Girls are on.
Come sit.
We'll watch and picture how we'll spend our golden years together.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Do you actually think you and I are going to share a house when we're old?
No.
Barry and Erica will be there, too.
Oh, balls!
We need to find you three nice ladies to keep you occupied.
Adam, stop with the panicking.
I've got plenty of friends.
Let's make a specific list so we're all on the same page.
Oh, I got it. Virginia Kremp.
Good. Just name two more.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Oh, there's my friend from Jazzercise. Um...
She sounds incredible!
She's got the headband and the thingy...
Definitely lifelong friend material!
What is her name?
We don't need names! Just like lifelong friend.
Essie Karp! That's it.
Wow, I really lost touch with her.
Oh, focus on the positive.
All we need is one more.
This will be part of the big Bevolution, then.
I need to find a life outside of my little snuggle bugs.
Looking for a posse, eh?
You've come to the right place.
Yes! Barry's rudely butting in like he always does.
It's your lucky day,
'cause I happen to command the greatest friend group ever assembled...
The JTP!
ALL: JTP! BEVERLY: Oh, that's fun.
You say three letters to them
and they always scream them back at you.
And with my help, you can have that, too.
All you got to do is make sure you pick friends
that have a specific role in the group.
Ooh, like my beloved Golden Girls.
Yes, for instance, I'm the Dorothy,
the strong, masculine leader who keeps everyone in line.
Oh, you are my handsome Bea Arthur.
And Andy here is our Sophia, the tiny, adorable spitfire.
No filter, yo.
Naturally, Naked Rob is our Blanche...
The sensual one, free with his body.
My parents got me someone to talk to once a week about it.
And Matt Bradley here is our Rose,
dumb as rocks and always messing everything up.
I just treasure these friendships.
Ah! Brain freeze! Hurry!
I need my best friends to rub my head.
Oh, yes. Ahh.
This is what I want!
ADULT ADAM: As Barry was feeling the love,
I was going to show my girlfriend just how much I loved her.
What are you two doing?
Your brother's such a dork.
I surprised Jackie by writing romantic lyrics
to music from her favorite sci-fi movies.
(ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA PLAYS) * You
* Are
* So
* Pretty
* And nice and cool and smart
* And funny and strong and pretty *
Dude, that is so stupid.
And yet so adorable.
Burn!
Wait, are you being serious? Don't mind her.
Her heart is a dusty cavern, void of romance.
Wait a second, you're dad's kid, too.
So how did you not inherit his crappy outlook on love?
'Cause I've chosen other, way better paternal role models,
like John Hughes.
The reclusive billionaire who saved his bodily fluids?
No! That's Howard Hughes.
I'm talking about the filmmaker
who makes romantic teen movies.
That's who I model my life after.
Like, on my birthday, Adam brought me a cake
and we sat on the dining room table to eat it together.
Sixteen Candles.
And on Valentine's Day, he painted
this amazing portrait of me.
Some Kind of Wonderful.
And on our anniversary, he showed up on a lawnmower
and we rode off into the sunset together.
Can't Buy Me Love.
Not a Hughes flick, but clearly influenced by the master.
So, what? I ride Geoff around on a mower
and he stops being lame for a few minutes?
Kind of missing the point, but yes.
Dad, I need your stupid mower!
Now you want to mow the grass?
It's the middle of winter! It's about to snow!
It has nothing to do with mowing!
Then why do you need it? It's a whole freaking thing!
Just stop asking questions!
Oh, I'll ask questions, all right!
Damn it, I'm in college!
I shouldn't even have to ask to use the stupid gardening equipment!
When I'm done soaking this toe,
I'm going to go in the garage,
and so help me, if that lawnmower's missing,
it's curtains for you! Curtains!
Well, good luck catching me with that swollen Cheeto toe!
Thanks for the love help. This is gonna go great.
Curtains!
ADULT ADAM: As my dad was trying to stop Erica's romantic plan,
my mom was trying to start some lifelong friendships.
Ginzy! Over here!
Hey! Haven't seen you at the PTA in a while.
Oh, I know, I've been so busy,
and also I was banned for complaining
about the crappy sangria last time.
But here I am, and everyone's too afraid to say anything to my face!
Well, we could certainly use your help.
We have a huge agenda tonight.
Winter formal planning, fundraising...
Creating a tight-knit group of friends so we don't die alone.
Think about it, Ginzy.
You and me, living it up
in a Miami bungalow like sisters.
Um, I kind of have actual sisters that I can live with.
Well, your sisters can themselves.
I'm sorry, but they can.
Okay. Look at me, Ginzy.
I'd rather not.
Look at me right now. Mmm-hmm.
It's you and me until the day you die.
Okay, okay.
There you go.
We'll be just like The Golden Girls and you'll be Sophia!
What? The grumpy older one?
Exactly! Just look at your face.
You're totally her, you goofy old bat.
Settle down, people.
PTA is in session.
First order of business, we need a group of volunteers to organize a senior ski trip.
Rick! I'll head up the senior ski committee. Virginia Kremp's in, too.
No, I don't even have a kid in the senior class.
I just need two more volunteers.
I can help. No!
Sorry, Ruben Amaro, Sr. I didn't mean to yell, but sit down.
But my son loves that trip.
And we love Ruben Amaro, Jr., Ruben Amaro, Sr.,
but this committee is ladies only.
I don't think you can do that.
Ooh! Sassy.
I like the cut of your jib, Essie Karp.
You're in, you giant floozy.
I don't know how to reply to that.
And last but not least...
Linda Schwartz, you're just what I need.
Actually, I'm on two other committees.
Well, that's on you for overextending yourself
like a big, dumb airhead.
Every group has one, am I right?
We're good to go, Rick. What do you say?
It's weird, Beverly. It's really weird.
Yay! We're going to be best friends!
I mean, a very good committee.
ADULT ADAM: Fearing she was destined to become an unromantic loaf like my dad,
Erica embarked on her first grand romantic gesture.
Thanks to me, she used the movie Can't Buy Me Love
to mow her way back into Geoff's heart.
Let's do this!
Turns out, wasn't as easy as it looked.
Yo, Schwartz! Open your window!
All that romantic crap is happening.
Why are you mowing my lawn?
It's the middle of winter!
ERICA: Damn it! It's stuck!
Get off my lawn!
Erica? What are you doing?
This is supposed to be like that movie Buy Me Some Love.
Can't Buy Me Love?
I thought you said that was a corny chick movie.
What's the hold up, man?
Just come down here and take my sweet romance already.
She's not very good at this, Geoffy.
I know! Doing this stuff just makes me feel so stupid.
That's the whole point.
You're supposed to be vulnerable for the person you love!
Geoff! Come down and push her out!
It's fine. I got it.
**
Oh, no! No! No! No!
My Peugeot! Dad's Peugeot!
I am so sorry. I'll pay to fix it.
You got to order the parts from France! It's a whole thing!
God, do you seen what happens when you guilt me into being romantic!
Guilt you?
That's not what I meant.
I just wanted to hang and relax and enjoy my winter break.
Well, you got two days left. Enjoy them without me.
What? There's a senior ski trip.
I think I'll have a better time there.
But I'm going back to college.
I won't see you for months.
Kind of seems like you need a break.
You could have just read a poem.
**
Okay, let's review everything I taught you
about being a bodacious leader of a friend group.
Rule one.
Always bust balls. Yes!
Friendship is about breaking down the walls
to figure out what really bothers a person.
Rule two?
Pick a badass name for the group
and yell it as often as possible
to display a terrifying show of unity.
I chose the JTP. Three letters, but powerful.
Well, I'm looking for my Golden Girls,
so I chose Goldberg Girls. Goldberg Girls!
Rule three? Uh, create opportunities to bond.
May I suggest lighting your farts?
It's really brought me and my friends a lot closer.
I was more thinking we would bedazzle matching sweaters,
like fashionable street toughs.
Ah, very lame.
So it's perfect!
There they are!
The fearsome foursome is back together again.
Come in! Come in, I made cheesecake. Ha!
I'll dish while we dish.
Actually, I told my husband that I'd be back by 9:00,
so maybe we should just jump right in?
I bet you'd like that, you little hussy.
But sure, let's get cracking.
Okay, I got everybody a BeDazzler.
Now, tell me, what color jewels should we use?
Jewels? For our matching sweaters, you big slut!
Ah...
Bevy, why are you being so off
Don't listen to her, she's old and cranky.
Cough up some dust, why don't you?
What's happening?
Classic Linda.
She's such a clueless dummy, right, but in a good way!
Okay, why do you keep calling us names?
I am just busting balls.
That's what we do in the Goldberg Girls.
That's our cool new name, by the way.
Goldberg Girls!
We'll get there.
ERICA: So you can buy someone love
'cause it happened in this movie,
which is super creepy and weird.
I mean, she gives up her cool friends for the gardener?
Okay, this movie sucks.
Yep, there's no helping her.
Wow, you really are a closed off Murray.
No! I refuse to accept that.
Now, give me another cornball movie
that'll show Geoff he's my number one fella.
Oh, you know what Adam did for me that was amazing?
He stood on my front lawn with a boom box over his head
and played In Your Eyes. Say Anything.
Wait, I thought that's how you got Dana.
What? What?
What's that?
What? What?
Wha...
Did you recycle that movie on me?
Pardon? Wait, I was wrong.
It wasn't his first love, Dana,
it was you, the new one.
Stop talking. The better one.
Stop talking. Oh, it's fine. It's fine.
I have a past, too. Ruben Amaro, Jr.
Yeah, he's going to Stanford on a baseball scholarship.
I have to go.
My God, lady!
Next time you need help with love, go somewhere else!
I didn't mean to drag you down with me!
But you did! I know! I'm sorry!
Okay, I can win Jackie back.
Just, uh... Just need some fresh romantic movie material.
Wait, Short Circuit! That's romantic.
It's really not.
ADULT ADAM: And so I called upon
my trusty action figures for inspiration.
Oh, Weekend at Bernie's! That's it!
It's not. Road House.
Eh. Interspace.
No! Taxi Driver?
Seriously, no!
Mac and Me? Stop!
Krull. I don't even know what that is!
Halloween! How many toys do you have?
Disney's Black Hole?
At least take them out of the package and play with them!
Beastie Droids! That's not even a movie.
Wait, the Highlander!
There's a tiny love story before all the sword fighting.
Sure, why not.
It's not going to work.
I know. Buck Rogers?
BEVERLY: Good news, JTP.
The 14-layer dip I made for the Goldberg Girls is up for grabs.
What happened? Linda got whooping cough,
Essie got pink eye, and Ginzy got both.
Please. Sounds highly unlikely.
Okay, what are you implying?
We're not implying,
we're saying they stone-cold dissed you.
Also, I saw them all at the school.
Okay, we're talking about the Goldberg Girls here.
You boys are dead wrong.
Nope. They were meeting Coach Mellor about the ski trip.
Well, that's a kick in the downstairs stuff!
This is the classic friend diss,
like the time I only had three tickets to the Eagles game
and told Matthew we all got stuck in an elevator.
What? Do you mind, I'm helping my mom here.
They're meeting without you, just like we all met for ribs after the Eagles game.
Stop telling him about our special day, dude!
I'm trying to be cool about this, but it's getting hard.
It's not always about you, Matt Bradley!
And don't be a Matt Bradley.
Be the Barry and take charge.
**
I'd say your best exercise, pre-skiing, is probably the wall sit.
Now, the wall is just there, just keeps you honest.
Well, well.
If it isn't the Goldberg Girls, minus the Goldberg.
Beverly, great news!
Our pink eye and our scurvy cleared up!
It was whooping cough, and save it.
Look, we didn't want to hurt your feelings,
but the ski trip is tomorrow,
and we still have a ton of work to do.
Skip it, Linda.
And to think I wanted to live with the three of you
in a beautiful Miami bungalow
with wicker furniture and bright floral patterns.
Is that what this is about?
You forcing us to be your Golden Girls?
Well, I don't know about "forcing," but maybe "tricking."
How about we do neither and plan a ski trip like normal people?
She's right. I just don't have time to be a Goldberg Girl.
But I thought we could travel down the road and back again.
My heart is true.
You're pals and my confidants.
I don't even know you.
Essie, if you threw a party
and invited everyone you knew...
Yeah, we all know the theme song.
...you would see the biggest gift would be from me.
And do you know what the card attached would say?
"Thank you for being a friend"? Exactly.
Bev, we all have families and millions of things to do.
We just don't have time for friends.
Good luck with your ski trip.
All right, anyway, back to what I was saying.
So, you want to use the wall for a wall sit, okay?
Hold this position for at least half an hour.
ADULT ADAM: The Goldberg Girls may have iced out my mom,
but Barry was ready to crush fresh powder on the senior ski trip.
All right, me and the JTP are off to the slopes.
Check the news for an avalanche,
'cause Big Tasty's going to hit that mountain hard.
Well, have fun with your friends.
At least one of us will. You okay?
What happened to your stupid Goldberg ladies club?
They're busy moms. There's no room for friends.
ADULT ADAM: My mom's posse had abandoned her, which offended Barry to his core.
Hi. Is your mom home?
Your kind is not welcome in my home. So beat it!
No, no, I'm here. I'm here. What's wrong?
There is a huge snowstorm upstate.
All the roads are closed.
And so is this conversation.
No one disrespects my mama!
You're all a bunch of garbage!
Hey, Barry, dial it back a little bit.
Bevy, we are really sorry for excluding you,
but you are the only one who can help us!
Put a sock in it, Kremp!
We both saw this day coming.
Come on! Hit me! Free punch! Right there! Right there!
He's sweet defending you, but this isn't about us.
It's okay. He's just a little riled up.
Yeah, I am! Come get some, Ginzy!
Maybe we should come back?
Maybe you should screw off for making my precious mother so sad.
Barry, not okay.
Go in the yard and clomp it off.
Fine!
The school canceled the senior ski trip.
We don't know what to do.
The whole class is heading to the bus right now,
and they are going to be heartbroken.
No hearts are gonna break today,
not if our ski committee has anything to say about it.
Okay, we've got tons to do and no time to do it.
Ginz, hit the bakery, get hot chocolate and doughnuts.
Linda, call Principal Ball, tell him to unlock the school
so we can access the cafeteria.
Essie, hit the Baederwood Market.
We need a dolly, wax paper,
and white zin! On it!
This is going to be the best non-ski ski trip the world has ever seen!
Listen up and settle down!
The trip is off. There's nothing we can do.
But I've been waiting four years for this ski trip.
It's very disappointing.
**
* Thank you for being a friend
* Traveled down the road and back again
* Your heart is true
* You're a pal and a confidant
Look, it's four hot moms.
* And if you threw a party
* Invited everyone you knew
* You would see the biggest gift BEVERLY: Step aside, Mellor.
These kids won't be denied their special memory.
Not on our watch.
* Thank you for being a friend
ADULT ADAM: That night, my mom's ski committee
waxed up some lunch trays and gave the senior class a night they'd never forget.
* Thank you for being a friend *
ADULT ADAM: Turns out, all it takes to have a legendary weekend
is friends at your side,
no matter what the weather brings.
Hey. Don't "hey" me.
You saw the mower? I saw the mower.
This is your fault! I'm you!
I'm stubborn and irritable
and don't like talking about my feelings.
And now I'm going back to school
and I don't even get to say goodbye to Geoff.
All right, I'm going to tell you something
that I've never told anyone before.
When I was your age,
I stood outside of your mom's window
and I read her a poem, that I wrote,
about her beautiful emerald eyes.
Point is, if you're really like me,
then there's a little romantic in you, too.
ADULT ADAM: And just like all those romantic movies Erica hated to watch,
she found herself running through the night
to stop her one true love from getting on a bus.
Unfortunately, it was long gone.
But as fate would have it, she still had the chance to speak from her heart.
Erica? Geoff!
Okay, what's going on? Why are you here?
Listen, I am never going to be the kind of girl
that covers stairs with flowers
or stands on your lawn with a boom box.
But you need to know, really know,
that I love you more than anything.
And I wish that I could put how I feel
into some kind of amazing, romantic gesture, but I can't.
Well, that's a pretty good start.
**
ADULT ADAM: Truth is, the people you love don't always act
like they do on TV or in the movies.
In real life, it's about weathering the storm together
and learning to laugh when things get tough.
* Thank you for being a friend
* I wanna thank you
ADULT ADAM: In the end that's the greatest thank you...
For being a friend.
You know, we really do make one heck of a ski committee, huh?
Yeah.
You know what, I think we could make
a pretty damn good group of friends.
What are you saying...?
We're saying after this, we should find a restaurant
that has cheesecake on the menu.
And white zin! Essie, you are such a Blanche!
I really am!
To the Goldberg Girls.
ALL: The Goldberg Girls!
Oh, my God, this white zin is to die for.
And I have a coupon!
Oh, you guys, look over there.
So cute, right?
Oh, I hope that's us when we're old.
Did that lady just call us "old"?
Some people are just so rude these days.
Oy, this white zin is to die for.
And I have a coupon!
**
This is the kind of friendship where we just laugh.
Barry kept saying, "I wish Mrs. Kremp was my mother".
And I'd say, "Good. Go across the street and live there."
Beverly is definitely our Dorothy.
The leader of the group, I'd say, probably is Bev.
She's the one with the big mouth that, you know, takes over.
Could Beverly have ever been a lawyer?
Are you kidding me?
Beverly could definitely have been a lawyer.
No one argues like me.
She has a brain like nobody else's
I have ever seen in my life.
What are you doing?
Did we bleep that? Yeah. Let's bleep that.