1 00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:03,268 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, basketball was all about showmanship. 2 00:00:03,270 --> 00:00:05,971 Flying through the air, slamming and jamming with style. 3 00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:09,508 And nobody did it better than the Harlem Globetrotters. 4 00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,643 And there was no bigger fan than my brother Barry. 5 00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:14,613 He spent hours trying to be the next Curly Neal, 6 00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:16,749 perfecting his buzzer-beating hook shot. 7 00:00:16,751 --> 00:00:19,485 Three, two, one. 8 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,153 Still one! 9 00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:23,689 One! One! 10 00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:24,456 One! 11 00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:25,391 A dunk at the buzzer! 12 00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:29,361 The Globetrotters are crowned champions of the universe! 13 00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,864 (MIMICS CROWD CHEERING) ADULT ADAM: That year, my dad got two tickets 14 00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:34,833 to a 'Trotters game and Barry was beside himself. 15 00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:37,803 Even walking pneumonia wouldn't stop him. All set. 16 00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:39,638 It's 80 degrees out, you moron. 17 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,106 I got the shivers and sweats. 18 00:00:41,108 --> 00:00:42,674 Just means I'm super psyched. 19 00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:43,942 Not so fast. 20 00:00:43,944 --> 00:00:45,244 Murray, look at your son. 21 00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:47,246 Can't you see he's pale and clammy? 22 00:00:47,248 --> 00:00:48,080 I don't like looking at him too much. 23 00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:51,216 Okay, come here, I got to put my lips on your forehead and take your temperature. 24 00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:54,553 I'm fine! Keep your lips off me! Come here, come here. 25 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:56,288 (EXCLAIMS) Oh, my God! 26 00:00:56,290 --> 00:00:59,525 You must be 102.3! You're with fever! 27 00:00:59,527 --> 00:01:00,526 I'm not with fever. 28 00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:02,895 There's no science to putting lips on a forehead. 29 00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:05,664 Why do you think they call it a ther-mom-eter? 30 00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:08,500 Mom is in the name. 'Cause we invented it. 31 00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:09,234 Yeah, none of that's real. 32 00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:13,605 Enough. Come on, let me carry you upstairs and tuck you in bed. 33 00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:15,340 You'll have to catch me first. 34 00:01:15,342 --> 00:01:16,742 (GRUNTS) Oh! Body failing. 35 00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,544 What am I gonna do with these damn tickets? 36 00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:20,079 How about taking your healthy son? 37 00:01:20,081 --> 00:01:21,847 Adam? To a sporting event? 38 00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:23,415 Yes. Why is that so crazy? 39 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:24,716 Oh, good! An audience! 40 00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:27,519 Does this sound insanely realistic to you? 41 00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,221 (VOCALIZING) 42 00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:31,190 Son of a bitch, this one's sick, too. 43 00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:34,159 No, I'm Michael Winslow from Police Academy. 44 00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:36,328 You know, the man of 10,000 sound effects. 45 00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:40,065 He's cornered the market on mouth-based noise comedy... 46 00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:42,067 Until now. Until now. 47 00:01:42,069 --> 00:01:44,136 (VOCALIZING) 48 00:01:46,006 --> 00:01:48,040 Okay, you're coming with me. 49 00:01:48,042 --> 00:01:49,408 We're gonna go see some basketball. 50 00:01:49,410 --> 00:01:52,311 Am I in trouble? No, this is gonna be good for you. 51 00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:53,345 Are you kidding me? 52 00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:56,014 This nerd doesn't know a lay-up from a bank shot. 53 00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:58,450 Go on, ask him! Ask him what a bank shot is. 54 00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,719 Is it when you make tons of bank 55 00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:02,955 for shooting the orange ball real good? 56 00:02:02,957 --> 00:02:05,757 If I could stand, I'd punch this entire house down! 57 00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:08,527 Come on, let's put you snuggly in bed. 58 00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:11,130 Schmoo, have fun with your dad. 59 00:02:11,132 --> 00:02:13,132 This is gonna suck. Yep. 60 00:02:13,134 --> 00:02:13,966 (LAUGHS) 61 00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:16,969 Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oh! (LAUGHS) 62 00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:19,204 This does not suck! Not at all! 63 00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:23,709 This is so funny! Sports is so funny! I finally get the craze! 64 00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:25,410 Hoo-hoo! He gets the craze! 65 00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:27,679 Yeah! Whoo-hoo! 66 00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:43,729 ADULT ADAM: It was December 7, 1980-something, 67 00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:45,797 a very special day in the Goldberg house. 68 00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:46,999 (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) Why? 69 00:02:47,001 --> 00:02:50,169 Perfect! Hold that face and do it exactly like that tonight 70 00:02:50,171 --> 00:02:52,704 at your surprise party, only be wearing pants. 71 00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:54,473 No, no, no. I told you. 72 00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:57,476 No surprises, no parties, no anything! 73 00:02:57,478 --> 00:03:00,078 Murray, it's your 50th birthday. 74 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,381 Your nifty-fifties. Yeah! 75 00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:03,348 I don't see what's so nifty 76 00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:06,818 about me throwing out my back every time I blow my nose. 77 00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:08,320 It's a major milestone. 78 00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:10,189 That's why I'll be sitting in that chair 79 00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:12,124 watching TV in my underpants. 80 00:03:12,126 --> 00:03:16,195 No. That's what you did for birthdays 19 through 49. 81 00:03:16,197 --> 00:03:18,263 This year you're celebrating right, 82 00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:20,065 so give Mama what she needs. 83 00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,367 And... Surprise! 84 00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:24,603 That was terrible. And, again. 85 00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:27,239 One, two, three, surprise! 86 00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:28,707 Surprise! 87 00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:30,375 Surprise! I'm not surprised. 88 00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:33,111 Come on, one more time. And... Surprise. 89 00:03:33,113 --> 00:03:35,714 I'm not digging this. This is just not good. 90 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,716 That negative attitude is what made Erica 91 00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,184 decide not to go to college. 92 00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:40,085 What? That's the face! 93 00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:43,822 Now go upstairs and practice in the mirror, okay? 94 00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:44,823 Go, go, go. 95 00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:45,457 Happy birthday! 96 00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:48,160 ADULT ADAM: As my mom was planning a kick-ass surprise party, 97 00:03:48,162 --> 00:03:51,163 I was planning a badass Globetrotters routine. 98 00:03:51,165 --> 00:03:53,699 All right, guys. The camera's rolling. 99 00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,901 Let's work on our tiny passes. 100 00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:58,270 ALL: Hut! Hut! Hut... 101 00:03:58,272 --> 00:03:59,972 Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! 102 00:03:59,974 --> 00:04:03,742 I'm not sure what I'm watching, but this is wonderful. 103 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,510 Commence ladder trick! 104 00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:07,179 (GROANS) ADAM: Cut! 105 00:04:07,181 --> 00:04:08,680 Dude. You gotta catch the ball. 106 00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:10,983 But the ladder says don't stand on the very top step. 107 00:04:10,985 --> 00:04:14,119 Bro, we're training to be the next Globetrotters! 108 00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:16,154 That means we follow one rule, 109 00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:17,489 find the funny. 110 00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:19,124 (GRUNTS) Ow! 111 00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:19,625 Not funny! 112 00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:23,161 What are you dorks doing on my court/our driveway? 113 00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:26,198 Basketball is my sport, along with all the other sports. 114 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:29,534 Get your own, but you can't, 'cause they're all mine! 115 00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:30,068 Not anymore. 116 00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,638 You never told me basketball had so much flair 117 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,539 and showmanship and broad comedy. 118 00:04:34,541 --> 00:04:37,342 Being a 'Trotter was my dream, not yours. 119 00:04:37,344 --> 00:04:39,845 To be fair, you have like a million dreams. 120 00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:42,447 There's bound to be some crossover with your brother. 121 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:45,350 No way! Adam infects everything he touches 122 00:04:45,352 --> 00:04:46,551 with his geeky nerd poison. 123 00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:49,855 I mean, look how wildly uncomfortable he is holding that ball. 124 00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:52,824 Tell you what. How about we settle this once and for all? 125 00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:54,059 Trotters versus Generals. 126 00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:56,261 You want us to be the Generals? 127 00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:58,997 The pathetic losers that the Globetrotters always crush? 128 00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:02,934 Okay, numb nuts, just to make it fair, we'll play to 11 points. 129 00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:04,069 I'll spot you the first 10. 130 00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:07,005 Let the basketball show commence. 131 00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:07,306 Oh, boy. 132 00:05:07,308 --> 00:05:09,574 Okay, routine one! Let's give them that razzle dazzle! 133 00:05:09,576 --> 00:05:11,076 ADULT ADAM: We'd razzle 'em but good. ALL: Hut! Hut! Hut... 134 00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:15,180 Yep, with our best Globetrotter moves, there was no way we'd lose 135 00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:17,582 especially with a 10-point lead. 136 00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:18,950 Go, B. 137 00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:21,953 Whoo! All net, no sweat. 138 00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:23,455 ADULT ADAM: Okay, a nine-point lead. 139 00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:24,990 Um, could you back up a scooch? 140 00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:27,492 We need way more space for our antics. 141 00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:28,427 ADULT ADAM: Turns out, our antics 142 00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:31,430 were no match for their actual basketball skills. Whoo! 143 00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:34,599 Within two minutes, our 10-point lead became a one-point lead. 144 00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:37,002 Even the classic Globetrotters pants yanking 145 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,604 was thwarted by their stupid belts. 146 00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:40,706 Damn it! 147 00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:43,141 No worries, let's put this to bed with routine six. 148 00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:45,644 Yeah! ADULT ADAM: Which was the unbeatable water bucket trick. 149 00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:48,880 One drop touches me, and you're dead. Yes, Mr. Naked, sir. 150 00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:51,283 Now pour it on yourself. Do it. 151 00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:55,921 Dear Lord! My beautiful hair! 152 00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:57,789 Have some pride, Dave Kim. 153 00:05:57,791 --> 00:05:59,691 This is so demeaning. 154 00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:00,459 ADULT ADAM: It really was. 155 00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,527 Turns out, we were the Washington Generals. Whoo! 156 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:05,430 And that is how you dominate at sports. 157 00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:08,467 You guys suck. Ain't that right, JTP? 158 00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:09,468 ALL: JTP! 159 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,470 ADULT ADAM: While Barry put the brakes on my dreams, 160 00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:13,972 my dad was getting ready for his nightmare of a party. 161 00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:17,843 But first, he'd take a classic Murray Goldberg power nap. 162 00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:18,944 Five minutes won't hurt. 163 00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:23,014 And that five-minute catnap lasted a whopping two hours. 164 00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:26,818 BEVERLY: Erica, there's more coats. I'm moving as fast as I can. 165 00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,186 ADULT ADAM: As the guests piled in, 166 00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:30,522 my dad was nestled in a coat cocoon 167 00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:31,656 and MIA from his own party. 168 00:06:31,658 --> 00:06:34,426 After a frantic search, my mom had to improvise. 169 00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:35,727 (CLEARS THROAT) 170 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,196 Friends, family, co-workers, 171 00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:38,797 those closest to Murray. 172 00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:41,833 I'd like to thank you so much for being here tonight, 173 00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,969 especially cousin Irving who pushed back 174 00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:48,006 his gall bladder surgery to fly in from Boca. 175 00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:49,341 Ouch. 176 00:06:49,343 --> 00:06:51,443 And a big thank you to Aunt Rose 177 00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:55,147 who made us her famous ice cream cake. 178 00:06:55,149 --> 00:06:56,448 The likeness is uncanny. 179 00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:58,450 Murray is so touched. Then where the hell is he? 180 00:06:58,452 --> 00:07:01,953 (PEOPLE MUMBLING) Yes, it has been a beautiful night. 181 00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:05,791 (SOFTLY) Erica, they're turning on us, go get their damn coats. 182 00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:09,261 Oh, sweet God! Dad! Wake up! 183 00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,163 What's that? What'd I miss? 184 00:07:11,165 --> 00:07:12,464 What time is it? 185 00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:13,365 Before you get mad, 186 00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:16,067 you should lie down under these coats. It's amazing. 187 00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:18,937 Aunt Rose made your face out of ice cream! 188 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,439 Ooh! I'll have a slice of me. 189 00:07:20,441 --> 00:07:23,508 Well, you can't! Thanks to your little disappearing act, 190 00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:25,977 the whole thing melted! It's ice cream soup. 191 00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:29,347 I'm a milkshake. Well, that's the dream. 192 00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:30,582 BEVERLY: Enjoy your coats! 193 00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,951 ADULT ADAM: While my dad was cutting out on his party, 194 00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:36,288 I was cutting together some b-ball greatness. 195 00:07:44,364 --> 00:07:47,499 And that, my friends, is what we call the magic of editing. 196 00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:49,901 You made it look like we totally crushed them. 197 00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:53,572 We... Suck! You... Dominate... At sports. 198 00:07:53,574 --> 00:07:54,606 We are losers. 199 00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:56,408 Whoa, it's seamless! 200 00:07:56,410 --> 00:07:57,409 Funny, what is that? 201 00:07:57,411 --> 00:07:58,810 (WHISPERS) Dude, super-cool senior 202 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,579 Ruben Amaro Jr.'s talking to us! 203 00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:01,379 I know, Dave Kim. 204 00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:03,615 Hey, yo, JC! Corbett! Get in here! 205 00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:04,816 You guys gotta see this video. 206 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:07,385 Um, it's more intended for a private audience. 207 00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:09,454 What are you doing? Win their friendship 208 00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:10,589 through a mutual love of sports. 209 00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:13,658 I... Smell... Like... Ball... Sweat. 210 00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:14,693 (LAUGHTER) 211 00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:16,294 That's hilarious. Self-burn. 212 00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:18,830 Man, this is classic. What's your name, bro? 213 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:19,297 Adam F. Goldberg. 214 00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:22,033 Gotta use the middle initial 'cause there's another Adam Goldberg in school, 215 00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:25,570 and he's very mad about the whole same-name situation. 216 00:08:25,572 --> 00:08:26,705 Hey, can we get a copy? 217 00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:28,373 No. Take the original. 218 00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:29,241 ADAM: I guess you can borrow it. 219 00:08:29,243 --> 00:08:33,545 I just want to make sure we keep it between us athletic pals. Cool? 220 00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:34,946 Super cool, bro. 221 00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:38,149 Barry Goldberg's Globetrotting Suck Show? 222 00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:39,618 In my defense, I only gave it to the jocks 223 00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:43,054 so I would look awesome and you would look dumb. You get it. 224 00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:44,556 Well, the jocks gave it to the burners 225 00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:47,259 who gave it to the debate team who gave it to the bell choir. 226 00:08:47,261 --> 00:08:50,862 Those weirdos laughed at me. The bell choir, dude! 227 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,365 They hold bells and go, bong! 228 00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:54,566 I'm lower than bell people now. 229 00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:57,035 Honestly, the tape was only meant to be shared 230 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,837 with my bros on the basketball team. 231 00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:01,673 Those bros are my bros, not yours! 232 00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:05,043 From this point forward, I forbade you from liking anything I like. 233 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,612 Yeah, you can't do that. Oh, I can! 234 00:09:07,614 --> 00:09:10,081 Starting now, stay away from the following 235 00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:13,118 Barry Goldberg trademark hobbies and interests. 236 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:16,621 Globetrotters, karate, Bo staff, Air Jordans, 237 00:09:16,623 --> 00:09:19,357 competitive kiting, extreme BMXing, 238 00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:20,725 hot showers, conga lines, 239 00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:23,628 and diving into an icy river with a knife in your mouth. 240 00:09:23,630 --> 00:09:26,498 I own that move. I also claim Skittles and soda! 241 00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:29,734 You can't claim an entire genre of beverage. 242 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,703 That's madness! And it's mine! 243 00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:34,673 I also own roller skating, eating chili, 244 00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:36,808 half and full nelsons, 245 00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:38,944 Chuck Norris, and boobs. 246 00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:40,745 No! That's too far! 247 00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,581 You can't claim boobs! 248 00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:43,348 (WHISPERS) Everyone likes boobs. 249 00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:47,619 Have fun sticking to your dumb hobbies like robots and glasses. 250 00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:48,219 Glasses aren't a hobby. 251 00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:51,389 They're a corrective accessory to combat my wandering eyeball. 252 00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:54,759 Exactly! You stay in your lame nerdy world, 253 00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:57,095 and I'll stay in my awesome one. 254 00:09:57,464 --> 00:09:58,396 'Sup, scrub? 255 00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,899 Know your place, bell people! 256 00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:03,134 No, your human oils! 257 00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:10,308 ADULT ADAM: It had been a day since Barry said 258 00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:13,878 I couldn't share his interests, and he was enforcing it. 259 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:14,679 Hey, I'm watching that. 260 00:10:14,681 --> 00:10:17,248 The A-Team is mine, get your own show! 261 00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:21,453 Fruit-based accomplishments belong to Big Tasty! 262 00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:23,388 Get your own weird talents. 263 00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:27,325 Struggling to poke the straw into a juice pouch is my thing! 264 00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:29,127 Come on, man, this is crazy! 265 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:32,998 You can't just lay claim to anything past, present, or future. 266 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:33,698 Oh, yes, I can! 267 00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:37,769 And I'm gonna keep on doing it till you're left with nothing. 268 00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:40,005 (WHISPERS) Nothing. 269 00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:42,741 ADULT ADAM: Barry had just declared war on me. 270 00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:43,041 Nothing! 271 00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:47,112 ADULT ADAM: Meanwhile, my dad was entering a battlefield of his own. 272 00:10:47,114 --> 00:10:47,912 Welcome home, darling. 273 00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:51,516 Can I interest you in a cold beverage or a delicious beefy snack? 274 00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:53,952 What is this? Have a seat, Mur. 275 00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:54,486 Forget parties. 276 00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:57,322 I know this is what you really wanted for you birthday. 277 00:10:57,324 --> 00:11:00,091 Clearly a trap, but sure. 278 00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:01,893 Comfy? Quite. 279 00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:03,028 Fantastic. Thank you. 280 00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:04,362 It's a trap! I know. 281 00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:05,363 Erica! 282 00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:08,967 See, I've been scrapbooking our family for over 20 years. 283 00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:11,970 And not only do you refuse to be in any of the photos, 284 00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:14,906 the few times you are, you look like this. 285 00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,342 What? That's how I look. That's my face. 286 00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:18,677 You don't value any memories. 287 00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:21,846 So you are gonna sit here and look at all these books 288 00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:24,115 until you prove to me that you care about 289 00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:25,316 our meaningful moments. 290 00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:27,686 Bevy, this is how I was raised. 291 00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:28,887 We don't make a fuss. 292 00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:30,555 Doesn't mean I don't pay attention. 293 00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,891 It's all up here in my brain. Oh, please. 294 00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:36,428 This noggin is the world's greatest scrapbook. 295 00:11:36,430 --> 00:11:37,495 Which baby is this? 296 00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:40,331 Which moron? Uh... the moron. 297 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:44,436 Eri-baaaarry-aaaadam. 298 00:11:44,438 --> 00:11:47,772 That's it. I guess you're gonna be looking at these books 299 00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:50,308 until your 60th birthday. 300 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,344 Son of a bitch. How many of these are there? 301 00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:56,581 Well, this is just the first nine months of my life. 302 00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:58,249 ADULT ADAM: While my mother turned up the heat, 303 00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:01,219 I was about to turn the tables on Barry. 304 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,254 What am I looking at? 305 00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:04,856 Oh, I'm just chiling in my Flyers shirt, 306 00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:07,859 eating Boo Berry, watching Jean-Claude Van Damme, 307 00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:09,027 you know, classic me stuff. 308 00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:12,030 That is not classic you, it's classic me. 309 00:12:12,032 --> 00:12:13,064 Too bad you didn't call it. 310 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,666 I mean, you gave me a specific list, 311 00:12:14,668 --> 00:12:15,934 and none of this stuff was on it. 312 00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:18,903 Everyone knows I own spooky cereal, 313 00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:20,405 Flyers gear, and JC Van D. 314 00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:23,074 It goes without saying! Turn off that movie right now! 315 00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:25,243 Ooh, I would if it were a Chuck Norris flick, 316 00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:29,180 but JC Van D wasn't on your list, so now he's on mine. 317 00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:30,482 You take off my shirt 318 00:12:30,484 --> 00:12:33,218 and step away from the Boo Berry, I mean it. 319 00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:36,621 Should I step away from the cereal like this? 320 00:12:37,657 --> 00:12:40,291 Don't you dare moonwalk away from that cereal. 321 00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:42,827 I own that move that Michael Jackson made up! 322 00:12:42,829 --> 00:12:44,662 But you didn't call it, and I did! 323 00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:46,798 Those are fighting words, and you know it. 324 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:47,732 Go ahead. I already have 325 00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:51,936 my favorite martial arts weaponry to protect me. 326 00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:54,973 No, I called 'chukin! I remember listing it off. 327 00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:56,674 Yeah, you picked Bo staff, 328 00:12:56,676 --> 00:12:59,043 which is basically just a long stick! 329 00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:00,011 What do you want? 330 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:03,748 I want the trotters of Harlem who travel around the globe. 331 00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:06,618 You give them to me, and you can be you again. 332 00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:09,154 Fine, take your stick. Never. 333 00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:11,956 I've got a rap album to cut. Peace. 334 00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,625 How could I forget rap? 335 00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:16,327 I called competitive kiting, but not rap? 336 00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,029 ADULT ADAM: Yep, I was great at being Barry. 337 00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:20,365 Only problem, he was just as great at being me. 338 00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:22,700 Greetings, earthling. What are you doing in my room? 339 00:13:22,702 --> 00:13:24,869 Just diving into the world of nerd stuff 340 00:13:24,871 --> 00:13:25,870 I love that you never called. 341 00:13:25,872 --> 00:13:29,541 You know, playing with He-Guy, stretching Neil Armstrong, 342 00:13:29,543 --> 00:13:31,943 playing with this weirdly hot cat lady. 343 00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:33,111 That's Cheetara. Cheetabra. 344 00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:34,112 Her precognition... Prenition. 345 00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:34,979 ...and immense speed... Fence speed. 346 00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:37,448 ...make her an asset to the Thundercats. the Tundra Dads. 347 00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,082 Okay, I get it. 348 00:13:38,084 --> 00:13:39,951 You're trying to take my things now. 349 00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:41,486 Is that what's going on? 350 00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:44,122 I was wondering why Barry was insisting 351 00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:47,025 I hang out with him and give him sage advice. 352 00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,326 Not now, old best friend. 353 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:51,629 I'm busy filming a movie, which is mine now. 354 00:13:51,631 --> 00:13:52,263 I call all of movie-making. 355 00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:55,867 Big action scene happens! Boom, Hollywood! (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) 356 00:13:55,869 --> 00:13:56,868 It's tedious, but fun. 357 00:13:56,870 --> 00:13:59,404 You're moving her too fast. It's gonna look weird. 358 00:13:59,406 --> 00:14:02,106 Do you mind? This is my movie. 359 00:14:02,108 --> 00:14:03,908 Wow, this is a commitment. 360 00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:07,145 Move faster. I'm wasting my life here. 361 00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:09,848 I could be outside riding my bike around. 362 00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:11,249 How do you do this all day long? 363 00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,284 Don't you get it? This isn't a threat. 364 00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:14,652 I hate your hobbies! 365 00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:15,854 Globetrotters are mine! 366 00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:18,890 Okay, this meshugaas has gone on long enough. 367 00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:21,659 There's must be some way to work this out. 368 00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:22,961 Fine, nerd. I'll play for it. 369 00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:25,797 Winner takes all, both globe and Trotters. 370 00:14:25,799 --> 00:14:27,932 Fine. But we play by their rules. 371 00:14:27,934 --> 00:14:30,335 It's not about who scores the most points, 372 00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:31,469 but who scores the most laughs! 373 00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:34,939 You want funny? No crowd can resist my antics. 374 00:14:34,941 --> 00:14:35,607 Look what I'm doing. 375 00:14:35,609 --> 00:14:38,276 Look at the way my body's moving right now. 376 00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:39,377 Ahh-ahh-ahh-choo! 377 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:42,814 Oh no! I'm sneezing hilarity! 378 00:14:42,816 --> 00:14:44,983 'Cause laughter's the best medicine. 379 00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:46,818 Antics! You want comedy? 380 00:14:46,820 --> 00:14:48,319 These aren't real, dude. (ARMPIT FARTING) 381 00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:51,322 That's just my hand cupped into my sweaty armpit. 382 00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:53,458 I'm the greatest basketball player alive! 383 00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:56,928 And I'm the most pregnant! Look at me, sports fans. 384 00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:59,197 I'm with child, and you love me for it. 385 00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:02,400 And I'm a doctor delivering your ball baby! 386 00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,102 No, no! Aah! 387 00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:07,405 This is a sad day for Harlem. 388 00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:12,210 Sorry, no TV until you go through every scrapbook. 389 00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:14,746 You know, I've given this a lot of thought. 390 00:15:14,748 --> 00:15:18,549 And I realize I do mark the moments. 391 00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:19,751 As a matter of fact, 392 00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:22,987 I kind of have my own scrapbook collection. 393 00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:24,822 You? Scrapbooks? 394 00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:29,093 Take my hand, I want to show you something. 395 00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:35,566 This. This right here, this is how I mark the moment. 396 00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:36,601 These are our tax returns. 397 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:42,540 To you. To me, they're reminders of us, of our family. 398 00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:44,842 Every receipt has a memory. 399 00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:48,713 This right here, this is where Erica got her braces. 400 00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:49,314 (LAUGHS) And look at this! 401 00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:52,116 This is where we bought Adam his first video camera! 402 00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:55,853 Wow, these receipts really mean a lot to you, huh? 403 00:15:55,855 --> 00:15:56,955 They mean everything. 404 00:15:56,957 --> 00:16:01,526 And I keep them all here in my heart file. 405 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:02,460 Oh, Murray. 406 00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:05,263 ADULT ADAM: That's the thing about marking the moment, 407 00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:07,365 everyone does it in their own way. 408 00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:09,634 What a crock of (BLEEP) 409 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:14,072 I mean, tax returns? In your heart file? Really? 410 00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:17,175 Look. I had it rough as a child, 411 00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:19,744 and I just realized that my dad... 412 00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:20,011 Boo! 413 00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:22,880 You're not buying it, not even the stuff about the mean dad? 414 00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:25,049 No. So Mom didn't buy your tax thing? 415 00:16:25,051 --> 00:16:26,851 She did not. And you added the stuff 416 00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:28,086 about your crappy childhood? 417 00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:28,920 I did. You know, 418 00:16:28,922 --> 00:16:31,956 you've always acted like you don't care. 419 00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,325 I guess, in my heart, 420 00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:35,560 I hoped it was all a front, 421 00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:40,331 but if none of this really means anything to you, 422 00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,667 then I'll stop trying. 423 00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:50,908 ADULT ADAM: It was time for me and Barry 424 00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:54,479 to face off in the biggest athletic matchup of our lives! 425 00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:58,850 Okay, you know the rules. First man to make Ruben 426 00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:00,785 and his crew crack up wins the game. 427 00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:02,487 Is this gonna take long? 'Cause we got practice. 428 00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:05,623 Trust me, time flies when you're laughing your ass off. 429 00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:08,426 ADULT ADAM: This was it. Globetrotter versus Globetrotter 430 00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:09,560 for the ultimate Globetrotter title! 431 00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:12,030 ALL: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! 432 00:17:12,032 --> 00:17:14,565 Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! 433 00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:17,001 They're all passing in a circle. It makes no sense! 434 00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:19,470 ADULT ADAM: It really didn't. And worst of all, 435 00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:23,374 our antics amused no one and confused everyone. 436 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:24,575 They're all in the same uniform. 437 00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:26,477 I can't tell who's on what team. 438 00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:32,383 Loose ball, somebody grab it already! 439 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:36,687 ADULT ADAM: We were forced to bring out the big guns. The worm! 440 00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:39,924 Look at this court. After that, our game descended into desperation 441 00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:42,727 and shoddy ventriloquism. It's my family reunion! 442 00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:46,164 ADULT ADAM: Lucky for Barry, he had one last trick up his sleeve... 443 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,633 the classic Globetrotter surprise pantsing. 444 00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:53,938 No! Dude, you can't pants yourself! That ruins the whole thing! 445 00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:55,606 Pull them up so I can do it! 446 00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:56,541 Never! 447 00:17:56,543 --> 00:17:57,909 You can't un-pants someone. 448 00:17:57,911 --> 00:17:59,110 That's just helping them get dressed. 449 00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:01,279 No! No! Pull them up! Pull them up! 450 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,147 Stop! Stop the game. 451 00:18:03,149 --> 00:18:06,250 You guys took something beautiful and silly and made it ugly and silly. 452 00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:07,852 It's zero-zero. But who won? 453 00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:09,087 Nobody scored a point. 454 00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:09,654 But who was funnier? 455 00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:12,623 It kind of seems like you need a win so...you. 456 00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:14,025 ALL: Whoo! Winner! 457 00:18:14,027 --> 00:18:17,395 Ha! It's official! The Globetrotters are my thing! 458 00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:18,229 Add it to the list. 459 00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:23,267 Meadowlark, Curly, the other randoms. Mine! 460 00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:24,969 Fine. Take 'em. 461 00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:25,837 Take everything. 462 00:18:25,839 --> 00:18:28,806 You win, so I'll stay out of your life. 463 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:30,775 ADULT ADAM: Sure, Barry had won the game, 464 00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:35,346 but, at that moment, he realized he'd lost me. 465 00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:38,683 As for my dad, he finally understood what my mom meant 466 00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:41,252 about capturing meaningful moments. 467 00:18:41,254 --> 00:18:44,522 And for the first time, he wanted to be the one to do it. 468 00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:49,360 ALL: Surprise! 469 00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:50,795 Oh, my God, look at her face. 470 00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:57,401 Are you throwing a surprise party for you...for me? 471 00:18:57,403 --> 00:18:58,536 You know I hate all the fuss, 472 00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:02,773 I should be in the moment more. 473 00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:07,945 Marking the moment... with you. 474 00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:16,621 This is the best surprise party for you I've ever not thrown. 475 00:19:16,623 --> 00:19:17,622 ALL: Speech! 476 00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,557 All right. Well... 477 00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:22,660 Everyone knows I'm not much for words or parties. 478 00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:33,104 For your scrapbook! 479 00:19:33,106 --> 00:19:36,841 ADULT ADAM: With that, my dad finally marked the moment. 480 00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:39,143 As for me, I'd finally given sports back to Barry, 481 00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:46,184 Hey, so, I know you're making one of your movies and all 482 00:19:46,186 --> 00:19:48,753 but I thought maybe we could shoot some hoops. 483 00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:50,254 No, sports are your thing. 484 00:19:50,256 --> 00:19:53,324 Yeah, I guess that's why I went so crazy. 485 00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:58,596 I'm supposed to be the athlete of the family, you know? 486 00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:02,333 If you start liking the Globetrotters, then who am I? 487 00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:05,269 But after our little showdown in the gym, 488 00:20:05,271 --> 00:20:08,005 I'm thinking this is the one thing we can share. 489 00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:12,043 Come on, I'll be the Generals. 490 00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:14,679 Okay, just like we practiced. 491 00:20:15,949 --> 00:20:16,914 And... Look, I'm doing it! 492 00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:18,883 ADULT ADAM: So maybe I'd never be great at sports 493 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:21,586 and didn't have a ton in common with my brother 494 00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:25,323 but that night, we were on the same team. 495 00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:26,691 That's the thing about family. 496 00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:28,859 For all the fighting and surprises, 497 00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:32,063 it's the little moments that make us remember 498 00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:33,598 how lucky we really are. 499 00:20:48,014 --> 00:20:50,214 So did you have fun, Dad? I had a good time. 500 00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:52,917 Good 50th birthday? Wonderful. 501 00:20:55,655 --> 00:20:58,222 (SWEET GEORGIA BROWN PLAYS) 502 00:21:16,809 --> 00:21:19,810 (HUMMING SWEET GEORGIA BROWN) 503 00:21:19,812 --> 00:21:21,145 (BELL DINGS)