1 00:00:00,334 --> 00:00:02,568 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, the most terrifying place 2 00:00:02,570 --> 00:00:06,739 in existence for any freshman was the high-school cafeteria. 3 00:00:06,741 --> 00:00:09,308 The table you chose defined how you were labeled 4 00:00:09,310 --> 00:00:11,477 and where you ranked in the social hierarchy. 5 00:00:11,479 --> 00:00:14,079 I don't see any seats together. What should we do? 6 00:00:14,081 --> 00:00:15,014 Every man for himself. 7 00:00:15,016 --> 00:00:17,883 If anyone asks, I'm a skate rat now. 8 00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:20,919 Ooh. 9 00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:22,788 ADULT ADAM: Classic Dave Kim. 10 00:00:22,790 --> 00:00:24,456 Figuring out where to sit, eh? 11 00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:28,227 Yeah. Ah, that's a sad dance that I know all too well. 12 00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:30,229 But lucky for you, I'm a guidance counselor, 13 00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:32,431 and I can guide you to lunchroom success. 14 00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:34,366 Um, maybe I could sit with the preppies? 15 00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:37,870 Come on, man. You want to walk around in boat shoes with no socks? 16 00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:40,406 You want to invite that kind of fungus in your life? 17 00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:42,207 Okay. How about the band geeks? 18 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:45,144 Do you even play an instrument? No, you don't. 19 00:00:45,146 --> 00:00:47,713 So what makes you think they're gonna just welcome you 20 00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:49,848 into their unique and beautiful fold? 21 00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:52,217 Uh, maybe the Goth kids? 22 00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:54,553 The Goths? They would eat you alive. 23 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:56,522 Seriously, I heard they eat cats and stuff. 24 00:00:56,524 --> 00:00:59,291 Come on! I gotta sit somewhere! Time's running out! 25 00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:01,527 Agreed. And you're starting to look real desperate, 26 00:01:01,529 --> 00:01:03,495 and standing next to me is not helping you. 27 00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:05,230 Please, just go! Mmm, okay. 28 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:07,099 ADULT ADAM: I was officially tableless. 29 00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:08,467 If I didn't find a place to sit, 30 00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:10,636 I'd be a social pariah forever. 31 00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:12,438 Hey, Goldberg, come sit with us. 32 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:14,306 Just then the sportos beckon me 33 00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:16,642 to sit at the coolest table in the cafeteria. 34 00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:19,812 It was either a miracle or a huge mistake. 35 00:01:19,814 --> 00:01:20,979 Grab a chair, little man. 36 00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:22,681 And the plate of waffle fries is for sharing. 37 00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:26,885 No offense to myself, but I think you got the wrong guy. 38 00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:27,152 No way! 39 00:01:27,154 --> 00:01:32,357 We all think it's awesome that you're super into movies, robots, He-Man. 40 00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:33,826 Oh, so you're also a He-head? 41 00:01:33,828 --> 00:01:36,528 That's the name I've given to die-hard He-Man fans. 42 00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:40,032 That's cool. It's also cool that, like, 43 00:01:40,034 --> 00:01:42,000 the top of your head smells so good. 44 00:01:42,002 --> 00:01:44,069 Odd observation from that distance, 45 00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:45,704 but I do condition every day. 46 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:47,272 It shows, bro. Nice. 47 00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:48,207 Such luster. 48 00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:49,775 Ah, balls! She got to you! 49 00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:52,411 No, man. We... We like you for you. 50 00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:55,180 God, my own mom has to find me a table? 51 00:01:55,182 --> 00:01:55,981 That's where my life is? 52 00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:57,382 She gave us free waffle fries. You get it. 53 00:01:57,384 --> 00:02:02,020 She also yelled at us and said that in time, we'd come to love you. 54 00:02:02,323 --> 00:02:04,723 Mom, I don't want to hear any more! 55 00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:05,457 Adam. 56 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:06,024 Mom, you ruined my life! 57 00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:09,495 Schmoo, you just seemed so helpless without a place to sit. 58 00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:11,630 It's my job, as your mama, to help. 59 00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:14,266 Help? That's the whole problem. 60 00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:15,434 If you're gonna sub at my school, 61 00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:18,470 you have to start respecting my boundaries. Understand? 62 00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:20,038 Boundaries. Totally get it. 63 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:20,606 Do you? Boundaries. 64 00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:23,742 'Cause nothing up to this point has led me to believe you do. 65 00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:24,376 I get boundaries, Adam. 66 00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:28,413 You don't want me to intervene or talk to you while you're at school. 67 00:02:28,415 --> 00:02:29,915 Good. Until I see you struggle, 68 00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:32,117 and then I come in strong and hard. 69 00:02:32,119 --> 00:02:33,285 Nope. Lost it. Okay, okay. 70 00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:36,588 We'll limit our interactions to hallway snuggies... 71 00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:38,891 Mom! ...and brief Eskimo kisses. 72 00:02:38,893 --> 00:02:39,758 Mom. Grr. Fine. 73 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,326 I'll leave your little kitten nose alone. 74 00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:44,096 Thank you. But at home, all bets are off. 75 00:02:44,098 --> 00:02:45,330 No! 76 00:02:58,112 --> 00:03:00,012 ADULT ADAM: It was October 12, 1980-something, 77 00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:03,549 and my dad was coming home to a familiar frustration. 78 00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:05,017 Did anyone call while I was out? 79 00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:06,318 Yeah. I wrote it down on the pad. 80 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,520 Flurt Burtman? Who the hell's Flurt Burtman? 81 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:11,490 I don't know. He was talking all fast, 'cause it was important. 82 00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:13,292 Anyway, call him back. Call who back? 83 00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:16,261 If it's important, I need to know the actual name. 84 00:03:16,263 --> 00:03:19,031 I don't know. I'm not invested, because it wasn't for me. 85 00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:21,166 What the hell's this message? "PP"? 86 00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:21,700 Oh, Barry wrote that. 87 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:25,504 My guess is he either drank too much Mr. Pibb or Pop Pop called? 88 00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:26,838 Wait. My dad called? 89 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:27,739 He never uses the phone. 90 00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,575 He always thinks the Cubans are listening. 91 00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:30,475 Oh, he calls all the time. 92 00:03:30,477 --> 00:03:32,945 He just says, "Tell the moron I'll call him back." 93 00:03:32,947 --> 00:03:35,514 Oh, so this is me giving you those dozens of messages. 94 00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:38,383 You know what? This madness stops now. 95 00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:40,052 ADULT ADAM: My dad's solution... 96 00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:40,986 The answering machine. 97 00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,688 Before voicemail, this bulky thing 98 00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:45,857 was the best technology the '80s had to offer. 99 00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:46,758 Problem solved. 100 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,995 Holy crap! You got us an answering machine? 101 00:03:49,997 --> 00:03:51,029 Erica, come quick! 102 00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:52,898 Dad did something that doesn't suck! 103 00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,600 Oh, my God! An answering machine? 104 00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:57,102 Stop, you morons. It's not for you. 105 00:03:57,104 --> 00:03:59,338 It's so I can finally get my messages. 106 00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:00,205 I'm doing the outgoing message. 107 00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:02,407 No way! I've been planning for this my whole life. 108 00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:05,377 (AS MR. T) I don't want no jibber-jabber, foo'! 109 00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:06,144 Wait for the beep! 110 00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:07,746 Stay in school, and leave a message. 111 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,015 This is Mr. T, by the way. Get out of here. 112 00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:12,517 (AS TONY MONTANA) Say hello to my little message. 113 00:04:12,519 --> 00:04:15,687 This is Scarface, by the way. Cocaine. 114 00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:17,022 I'm leaving the message. 115 00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:18,357 There's a simple one right here 116 00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:19,758 in the instruction book. No! It can't be you! 117 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,627 (NORMAL VOICE) No! Don't read the suggested script! 118 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:22,427 That's the worst option of all. 119 00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:25,764 Hello. You've reached the answering machine 120 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,499 of the Goldberg residence. 121 00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:31,436 We either are unavailable or unable 122 00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:32,871 to get to the phone at the moment, 123 00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:35,040 but we would appreciate it if you would leave 124 00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:37,843 your name, telephone number, business, 125 00:04:37,845 --> 00:04:42,180 the person you're calling for, and the time you called 126 00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:44,249 after you hear the beep. 127 00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:47,653 And we will be sure to get back to you at our... 128 00:04:47,655 --> 00:04:48,920 Come on! Everyone knows how to do it. 129 00:04:48,922 --> 00:04:50,856 I can't take it. It's so long and explain-y. 130 00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:52,124 Shut up! 131 00:04:52,126 --> 00:04:53,825 Earliest convenience. 132 00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,561 (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I... I'm good with that. 133 00:04:56,563 --> 00:04:58,297 ADULT ADAM: As my dad got the win, 134 00:04:58,299 --> 00:05:00,599 I was still a lone loser without a table. 135 00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:02,334 My only choice was to accept my fate 136 00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:03,902 of eating alone under the bleachers. 137 00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:07,639 That is, until I stumbled upon my salvation. 138 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,841 Holy motherboard. 139 00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:11,176 The high-school computer lab. 140 00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:13,412 It had six state-of-the-art Apple IIs, 141 00:05:13,414 --> 00:05:17,549 each with double floppy drives and a dot-matrix printer 142 00:05:17,551 --> 00:05:19,685 that could ink a whopping six lines per minute 143 00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:22,220 on that weird paper where you rip off the sides. 144 00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:24,222 We're allowed to be in here. Okay. 145 00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:26,692 Mr. Glascott says we can stay the whole lunch period 146 00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:27,959 as long as we don't make crumbs, 147 00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:30,962 which is why I bring a thermos of soup every day. 148 00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:32,264 Cool. 149 00:05:32,266 --> 00:05:33,598 Whoa. Is that Prince of Persia? 150 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:36,435 We've got it all... Castle Wolfenstein, Lode Runner, 151 00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:39,938 Choplifter, and Ultima, parts I, II, III, and IV. 152 00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:42,674 You have part IV? That's the ultimate "Ultima"! 153 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,776 You know your stuff. I'm Adam, by the way. 154 00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:46,912 I'm Mike Levy. This is also Mike Levy. 155 00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:48,080 You guys have the same name? 156 00:05:48,082 --> 00:05:49,981 Yeah, but Mike Z. is painfully shy, 157 00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:51,550 so it's not much of an issue. 158 00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:55,454 I feel your pain. There's a senior also named Adam Goldberg. 159 00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:57,756 He's not happy to have me around. 160 00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:58,457 (CHUCKLES) Right on. 161 00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:00,625 I'm actually pretty good at Oregon Trail. 162 00:06:00,627 --> 00:06:02,594 ADULT ADAM: Even though I immediately died of dysentery, 163 00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:05,430 my mom was thrilled I found a party to hitch my wagon to. 164 00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:09,301 Meanwhile, Erica and Barry were blazing their own trail. 165 00:06:09,303 --> 00:06:10,001 ERICA: Guess what we have. 166 00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:13,238 The answers to all our answering-machine problems... 167 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:14,206 BOTH: Crazy Calls. 168 00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:16,508 I don't know what it is, but it sounds wild. 169 00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:19,311 It's a tape of professionally recorded outgoing messages 170 00:06:19,313 --> 00:06:20,979 that represent many musical styles. 171 00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:24,449 And it's advertised on TV, so you know it's good. 172 00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:26,251 BARRY: Prepare yourselves. 173 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,431 (BEEPING) Al, don't join into their nonsense. 174 00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:43,168 Listen... We have no answering-machine problems. 175 00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:44,903 My message stays. 176 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,638 Please, just listen to reason. 177 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,707 The message you recorded is so bad, 178 00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:49,441 our friends refuse to call. 179 00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:52,644 The light is blinking. I must be doing something right. 180 00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:54,179 POP POP: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hello. Is this Murray? 181 00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:56,148 What? You got a robit taking your messages now? 182 00:06:56,150 --> 00:06:59,384 Ooh, my highfalutin' son thinks he's better than everyone. 183 00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:00,218 I think it's Pop Pop. 184 00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:01,686 Well, you're not. You're a thief! 185 00:07:01,688 --> 00:07:04,523 Don't think I forgot about that $17 you stole from me. 186 00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:07,592 Still with the $17! I can't take this! 187 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:08,193 (TAPE FAST-FORWARDING) 188 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:10,262 My electric bill was the same every month, 189 00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:11,963 but all of a sudden, it's $17 more. 190 00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,732 Yeah, well, you do the math, genius! 191 00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:15,367 He's taking up the whole tape! 192 00:07:15,369 --> 00:07:15,967 (TAPE FAST-FORWARDING) 193 00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,335 I know you were upset about your wedding toast, 194 00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:19,838 but I really thought you preferred the company of men. 195 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:20,672 (TAPE FAST-FORWARDING) 196 00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:21,740 You were an ugly baby. There, I said it. 197 00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:25,177 MURRAY: That's it! Well, at least he's talking to you. That's new. 198 00:07:25,179 --> 00:07:27,045 Oh, we will talk but good. 199 00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:30,048 Just he and I, man to man. 200 00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:31,716 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 201 00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:33,752 Ah, you. What do you want? 202 00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:35,887 My dad paid me $20 to set this up for you 203 00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:37,189 so you won't miss his phone call. 204 00:07:37,191 --> 00:07:40,192 Ah, so he'll pony up 20 bucks for you, 205 00:07:40,194 --> 00:07:41,593 and still I'm out my $17. 206 00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:44,095 I don't know, man. Do you want the machine or not? 207 00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:45,564 All right. I'll take the robit, 208 00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:47,032 but only because I like free stuff. 209 00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:48,967 ADULT ADAM: As Erica did my dad's dirty work, 210 00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:52,370 me and my new pals were having some good, clean fun. 211 00:07:52,372 --> 00:07:54,639 And that, my friend, is how you use Basic 212 00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:57,175 to program a real-life booby. 213 00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:58,276 Whoa! 214 00:07:58,278 --> 00:08:00,545 ADAM: So lifelike. 215 00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:03,348 Scram! Me and this lady are gonna study 216 00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:05,584 for health class, with our faces. 217 00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:07,919 No way! We're allowed to be here at lunch. 218 00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:08,887 Mr. Glascott says. 219 00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:11,022 You're a ballsy, little nerd, aren't you? 220 00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:12,557 Tell you what, I'm gonna let it slide, 221 00:08:12,559 --> 00:08:16,528 but only because there's a broom closet for us right down the hall. 222 00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:17,696 Later, nerd losers. 223 00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,231 Look at them with their nerd thermoses. 224 00:08:19,233 --> 00:08:21,967 GIRL: Like they're nerd construction workers. 225 00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:24,102 (BOTH LAUGHING) 226 00:08:24,505 --> 00:08:27,205 Excuse me. What did you just say about those nerd losers? 227 00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:30,575 Uh, that they should drink out of their nerd thermoses? 228 00:08:30,577 --> 00:08:31,409 Glascott's office now! 229 00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:33,979 BEVERLY: So, what kind of punishment are we talking about here? 230 00:08:33,981 --> 00:08:37,482 Suspension, expulsion, solitary confinement? 231 00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:40,085 Do we do that? 'Cause that's what I want. 232 00:08:40,087 --> 00:08:41,019 Yeah. You two can go back to class, 233 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:45,123 and try not to be so accurate with your nerd insults next time. 234 00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:47,325 Oh, and stay out of that broom closet. 235 00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:49,528 Yeah, that's right. Old Glascott knows what's up! 236 00:08:49,530 --> 00:08:52,864 Why did you let them go? They called my schmoo a nerd. 237 00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:56,535 That's not on them. That's more on your schmoo for being one. 238 00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:59,104 Hey, only I get to call my schmoo a schmoo. 239 00:08:59,106 --> 00:09:01,740 The point is, Adam and his gang of computer dorks 240 00:09:01,742 --> 00:09:03,475 don't even eat in the lunchroom. 241 00:09:03,477 --> 00:09:06,011 That means they're not even on the social ladder. 242 00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:07,379 You've got to do something about this. 243 00:09:07,381 --> 00:09:10,448 If you don't help Adam, then you have failed as a mother. 244 00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:13,251 But that is my greatest nightmare. 245 00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:14,586 You gotta help me. Please. 246 00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:16,755 I told him I'd respect his boundaries. 247 00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,690 Guide me. It's what you're so good at. 248 00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:20,592 I know you're playing me for a fool, 249 00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:23,028 but this fool has low-grade depression. 250 00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:24,462 So... I'll bite. 251 00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:27,499 ADULT ADAM: While my mom was plotting to improve my social future, 252 00:09:27,501 --> 00:09:30,335 Pop Pop, was getting an earful about his past. 253 00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:32,470 MURRAY: You want to know why I slept with the lights on? 254 00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:35,373 'Cause you took me to see "Psycho" when I was nine! 255 00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:40,378 You owe me $17 for a lifetime of showering with the curtain wide open! 256 00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:42,581 Oh, you want a message? I'll give you a message. 257 00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:44,716 I'll give you a big, fat message in your big, fat ears. 258 00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:47,052 POP POP: You think someone's gonna come after you in the shower? 259 00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:50,255 Believe me, you have nothing anyone wants to see. 260 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:51,222 (BEEPING) Fine. 261 00:09:51,224 --> 00:09:52,724 You want to talk, let's talk! 262 00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:56,828 ADULT ADAM: And, so began the great Goldberg answering machine war 263 00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:57,862 of 1980-something. 264 00:09:57,864 --> 00:09:58,830 MURRAY: And you were so God-awful 265 00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:02,000 that none of my friends ever wanted to come over and play with me! 266 00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:04,402 POP POP: Friends? I had to pay the boy next door 267 00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:05,170 to be friends with you! 268 00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:06,538 So, you owe me a nickel for that, too. 269 00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:08,440 ADULT ADAM: What began as one simple call from Pop Pop 270 00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:12,978 quickly spiraled into an endless volley of very hurtful rants. 271 00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:14,212 MURRAY: There! I said it! 272 00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:17,148 You're a crappy dad and even a worse businessman! 273 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,184 POP POP: You think I'm implying you're a disappointment? 274 00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:22,687 No, no. I'm saying it loud and clear! Disappointment! 275 00:10:22,689 --> 00:10:24,623 Again with the farkakte machine. 276 00:10:24,625 --> 00:10:26,691 I know. He's been tying up the phone line, 277 00:10:26,693 --> 00:10:28,927 and I can't get any of my messages. 278 00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:29,327 What? No. 279 00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:35,233 I meant your dad and Pop Pop might be doing serious damage to their relationship. 280 00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:36,635 Oh, please. They're fine. 281 00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:40,238 You are a trash heap of a human being, 282 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,707 and even a worse father! 283 00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:44,776 He meant that with love, and... 284 00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:47,479 Ah, crap. This went bad fast. 285 00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,749 ADULT ADAM: It had been a week since the great Goldberg 286 00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:53,318 answering machine war, and my sister was tired 287 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,954 of not getting any of her messages. 288 00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:57,856 ROBOTIC VOICE: Tape full. (BEEPING) 289 00:10:57,858 --> 00:11:01,326 My God! This thing between Dad and Pop Pop has got to stop. 290 00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:03,528 ROBOTIC VOICE: Messages deleted. (BEEPS) 291 00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:04,963 ADULT ADAM: Acting on her standard selfishness, 292 00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:08,867 Erica decided to erase Pop Pop and end the war. 293 00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:11,603 Hey, I'm home! Nobody bother me! 294 00:11:11,605 --> 00:11:13,471 I need to check my messages. 295 00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:16,074 ROBOTIC VOICE: No new messages. (BEEPS) 296 00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:17,742 Hey! Anyone call for me? 297 00:11:17,744 --> 00:11:21,179 You know, like a telemarketer, wrong number, 298 00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,048 angry grandfather? 299 00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:24,783 Nope. Okay. 300 00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:25,150 Good. Yep. 301 00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:27,819 Very good. Guess there's no reason to tie up the phone lines now. 302 00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,521 Yep. I mean, no call from Pop Pop 303 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,690 means you don't have to pay him the $17. 304 00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:33,391 Yep, yep, yep. You won. 305 00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:34,559 I won. Yep. 306 00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:35,960 Big winner. You won. 307 00:11:35,962 --> 00:11:37,529 Murray wins. 308 00:11:37,764 --> 00:11:40,665 And that is how you end an answering machine war. 309 00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:44,035 Well, I guess it is best for your father's sanity. 310 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,336 Sure, sure, that thing. 311 00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:47,739 Also, I finally get to use the phone again. 312 00:11:47,741 --> 00:11:50,642 Hey! What do you think you're doing, you moron? 313 00:11:50,644 --> 00:11:51,509 Making a phone call. 314 00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:53,511 Yeah. The machine is expecting a call. 315 00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:57,949 No one goes near this or stands in this area. Out! 316 00:11:57,951 --> 00:11:59,651 (RECEIVER CLICKS) 317 00:11:59,653 --> 00:12:01,753 Okay. Why the hell isn't he taking the win? 318 00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:04,422 It's like he wants Pop Pop to call and rant at him. 319 00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:06,424 Crazy as it sounds, I think your dad 320 00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:09,994 actually liked chatting with Pop Pop through the machine. 321 00:12:09,996 --> 00:12:12,230 And now that it's done... 322 00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:13,865 ...he's sad. 323 00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:16,201 That's nuts. Dad doesn't get sad. 324 00:12:16,203 --> 00:12:19,337 ROBOTIC VOICE: No new messages. (BEEPS) 325 00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:23,975 ROBOTIC VOICE: No new messages. (BEEPS) 326 00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,376 My God. He's sad. 327 00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:27,612 ROBOTIC VOICE: No new messages. (BEEPS) 328 00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:28,913 Fine. You made your point. 329 00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:31,883 We'll get them together and end this, once and for all. 330 00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:33,118 ROBOTIC VOICE: No new messages. 331 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,420 ADULT ADAM: My sister was determined to end the war. 332 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:39,958 Meanwhile, my mom set off a nuclear bomb of embarrassment at school. 333 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,392 There's the guy. Watch out. 334 00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:42,994 It's the Fighting Quaker of the Month. 335 00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:45,230 How is this a thing? What's happening to me? 336 00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:46,664 What is happening is you're being celebrated 337 00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:49,434 for your popularity amongst your fellow students. 338 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:50,902 And one of the delightful spoils 339 00:12:50,904 --> 00:12:54,105 is that you get to sit at this special table. 340 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,440 It's for cool kids only. 341 00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:58,710 First of all, I like eating in the computer lab. 342 00:12:58,712 --> 00:13:01,379 Also, my mom clearly put you up to this. 343 00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:02,981 (LAUGHS) Popular and funny. 344 00:13:02,983 --> 00:13:05,250 Whatever. I'm going back to my computer game. 345 00:13:05,252 --> 00:13:08,019 And I'm taking this disaster with me. 346 00:13:09,055 --> 00:13:12,223 Where is he going? Why isn't he sitting at his cool new table? 347 00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:14,692 Did you screw the pooch on this one, Andre? 348 00:13:14,694 --> 00:13:16,361 No! Probably. 349 00:13:16,363 --> 00:13:18,196 Look. If the kid won't accept help 350 00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:20,398 from his super-cool guidance counselor, 351 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,634 then he's just a lost cause. 352 00:13:22,636 --> 00:13:25,737 ADULT ADAM: But my mom was never one to give up. 353 00:13:25,739 --> 00:13:27,705 When it came to her little schmoo, 354 00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:31,142 she always had the drive to succeed. 355 00:13:33,079 --> 00:13:35,647 Oh, Beverly, you're so "Krafty". 356 00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:37,015 (LAUGHS) 357 00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:38,850 Say cheese. 358 00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:41,186 MAN: I think we found the problem. 359 00:13:41,188 --> 00:13:44,189 Looks like someone wanted a little cheese with their Apple. 360 00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,291 Nailed it. BALL: Oh, come on. 361 00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:48,927 The sign clearly states no food in here. 362 00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:52,630 You kids know the rules. You are banned for lunch hours. 363 00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:54,032 But where are we supposed to go? 364 00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:56,334 In the cafeteria with the normals. 365 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,236 Yeah, I said it. 366 00:13:58,238 --> 00:13:59,470 Come on. I'll cut you a check. 367 00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:02,273 No! You can't send us back in the wild! 368 00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:03,908 We've been domesticated. 369 00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:04,542 Guys, guys, guys. 370 00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:07,812 I think the silver lining here is that Mike Z. talked. 371 00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:09,414 You shut it! Shut it, Goldberg! 372 00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:11,716 You know, it's kind of funny how the drive got cheese 373 00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:14,118 just after you joined our crew. 374 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,754 Mike, Mike, it's me. 375 00:14:16,756 --> 00:14:18,323 I... I wouldn't cheese the drive. 376 00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:20,758 Well, me and Mike Levy are kosher. Way of life! 377 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,328 And Rog, Mink, and Alvie are lactose-intolerant. 378 00:14:23,330 --> 00:14:25,196 Come at me! But every day, 379 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:28,132 you eat the same turkey and cheese sandwich. 380 00:14:28,134 --> 00:14:28,733 Get some! 381 00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:32,136 That is the lunch my mom always makes me. 382 00:14:33,607 --> 00:14:34,672 Mom! 383 00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:35,406 (CROWD GROANS) 384 00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:38,142 Boy, Al, we are lucky to get these seats. 385 00:14:38,144 --> 00:14:39,677 Yep. Pure luck. 386 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,379 Oh, look who it is! 387 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:44,515 Hey, is that Pops and Father over there? 388 00:14:44,517 --> 00:14:48,152 Well, this is a very unplanned coincidence. 389 00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:48,786 Damn it. Damn it. 390 00:14:48,788 --> 00:14:51,689 Hey, now you two can talk in person like normal humans. 391 00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:52,790 Pop Pop, let's trade seats. 392 00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:54,692 That is a crap trade, and you know it. 393 00:14:54,694 --> 00:14:55,493 Mur, sit here. 394 00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:57,428 I'm fine here on the end. Thank you. 395 00:14:57,430 --> 00:15:00,398 Hey, Bar, tell Murray to flag down the soft pretzel guy. 396 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:03,701 Erica, tell Pops to tell Dad, Pop Pop wants a pretzel. 397 00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:09,374 Um, Pops, tell Dad that Pop Pop would appreciate it if he bought him a pretzel. 398 00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,843 Murray, buy your dad a pretzel. 399 00:15:11,845 --> 00:15:14,579 Tell him to buy his own damn pretzel! 400 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:15,380 No go, Erica. 401 00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:18,416 Barry, Dad kindly declines the pretzel purchasing. 402 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,252 Pop Pop, Dad said to get bent and buy your own. 403 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,720 I wasn't asking for a free pretzel. 404 00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:25,757 Tell that ungrateful bastard he still owes me $17. 405 00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:26,557 He can take it out of my tab. 406 00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:30,094 Erica, Pop Pop said Dad's a bastard, and he wants a Tab. 407 00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:32,130 Pops, Pop Pop wants a diet soda. 408 00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:35,233 Murray, will you buy your dad a diet soda? 409 00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:38,036 At the very least, it'll calm him down. 410 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:38,269 Fine! 411 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:43,441 Excuse me. Let me get a pretzel and a Tab for the old guy on the end. 412 00:15:43,877 --> 00:15:46,244 Here. Here. 413 00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:47,979 Here. Here. 414 00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:49,380 What the (BLEEP) is this! 415 00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:50,648 I don't drink ladies' soda. 416 00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:51,783 Where's my pretzel? 417 00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:53,484 It appears Dad is eating it. 418 00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:54,852 You give your father a message, 419 00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:56,354 and you tell him every single word. 420 00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:58,990 ADULT ADAM: Yep. Dad and Pop Pop were finally talking. 421 00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:01,392 Only problem, they were using their family 422 00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:03,995 as their telephone and answering machine. 423 00:16:03,997 --> 00:16:04,696 That's right. 424 00:16:04,698 --> 00:16:07,398 This woman cheesed the drive, not us. Her! 425 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,200 Whoa! That's a harsh accusation 426 00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:11,869 against a faculty member who's here one day a week. 427 00:16:11,871 --> 00:16:13,438 It's true. She cheesed it. 428 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,773 It's her signature culinary move. 429 00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:17,542 Beverly, do you have anything to say? 430 00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:19,243 I vehemently deny cheesing the drive 431 00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:20,678 under cover of darkness when no one was here. 432 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:24,182 She said "vehemently." That's a big word. So I have to believe her. 433 00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:25,917 Fine. If she's not gonna own up to it, 434 00:16:25,919 --> 00:16:30,221 then I'd like to log an official complaint against this teacher, sir. 435 00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:30,888 You mean your mom? 436 00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:32,590 She's been harassing one of the students. 437 00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:34,058 You? I don't see you writing! 438 00:16:34,060 --> 00:16:35,526 Don't write it down, Andre. 439 00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:36,394 Write it down, Andre! 440 00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:38,229 Report the snuggies and the kisses, 441 00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:40,064 both butterfly and Eskimo. 442 00:16:40,066 --> 00:16:41,699 You Eskimo'd on school grounds? 443 00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:44,369 Ooh! I gotta write it. I just have to. 444 00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:46,838 School grounds or not, I am your mother, 445 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:49,374 and I have the legal right to snug, squish, 446 00:16:49,376 --> 00:16:52,410 and kiss you like we're in an igloo as much as I want. 447 00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:54,812 According to the school handbook, you really don't. 448 00:16:54,814 --> 00:16:57,915 Oh, so it's almost as if there are boundaries 449 00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:59,550 that no one can cross. 450 00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:02,487 Check and mate. He's got you there, lady. 451 00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:03,888 Adam, I just wanted you... 452 00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:05,490 Bup, bup, bup! Boundaries! 453 00:17:05,492 --> 00:17:06,557 You expect me to just sit... 454 00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:08,026 Bup, bup! Boundaries! I just want... 455 00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:09,961 Just give... Bup, bup, bup, bup! Bup, bup, bup, bup! 456 00:17:09,963 --> 00:17:11,662 I want... But I... Bup, bup, bup! Bup! 457 00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:13,831 I really think he wants you to respect his... 458 00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:14,966 I know what he wants! 459 00:17:14,968 --> 00:17:18,803 You know, I was actually happy in the computer lab. 460 00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:21,072 Those guys accepted me. 461 00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:22,840 You always say you want to help, 462 00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:25,943 but you just end up ruining everything. 463 00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:33,951 ADULT ADAM: Realizing she'd made a mess of my social life, 464 00:17:33,953 --> 00:17:36,487 my mom knew it was time to clean things up. 465 00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:39,590 Not so fast, Atkins. This is a random locker search. 466 00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:41,793 If it's random, why are you targeting the guy 467 00:17:41,795 --> 00:17:46,364 most likely to have a doobie hidden in his locker behind a Trapper Keeper? 468 00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:47,532 Ah, nards. 469 00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:49,300 Principal's office. Now. 470 00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:50,268 This is so unfair! 471 00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:54,105 It is, which is why I'll offer you a plea bargain. 472 00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:56,007 You take the fall for cheesing the drive, 473 00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:57,508 and this all goes away. 474 00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:58,576 I don't know what you just said, 475 00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:01,946 and maybe that's 'cause I've been hitting my Trapper Keeper, 476 00:18:01,948 --> 00:18:02,447 but I'm in. 477 00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:04,515 You also have to stop making fun of my son. 478 00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:05,983 Done. Who is he? 479 00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:06,717 Adam. Adam who? 480 00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:09,353 You know, the freshman. You call him a nerd loser. 481 00:18:09,355 --> 00:18:11,255 That narrows it down to like 40 dudes. 482 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:13,191 The one with the dimples and the glasses. 483 00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:15,593 He looks like a model. He plays with computers. 484 00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,428 Oh-oh! That nerd loser. 485 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,663 Sure. I'll leave him alone. 486 00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:21,365 Hey, little bro. How's it hangin'? 487 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,034 That's not my son. 488 00:18:23,036 --> 00:18:24,836 Beat it, dork! Scram! 489 00:18:24,838 --> 00:18:28,539 Ugh! I can't believe my arm just touched a nerd. 490 00:18:29,843 --> 00:18:31,275 Getting rid of the answering machine? 491 00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:34,245 Stupid piece of crap. Caused nothing but problems. 492 00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:35,413 Don't throw it away. 493 00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:39,350 Pop Pop did call back, but I erased the tape. 494 00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:40,618 Why would you do that? 495 00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:41,853 Because you were hogging the phone, 496 00:18:41,855 --> 00:18:44,188 talking to your dad but not actually talking. 497 00:18:44,190 --> 00:18:47,692 And then I realized not talking is how you talk. 498 00:18:47,694 --> 00:18:49,994 Look. That's why we ambushed you at the game. 499 00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:52,230 I thought maybe you guys would like to talk for real, 500 00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:55,766 but if you like your machine better, then I won't stop you. 501 00:18:55,768 --> 00:18:59,470 You know me and my dad. We never were big talkers. 502 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:00,671 Well... 503 00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:01,839 Maybe it's time to try. 504 00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:04,375 (DON HENLEY'S "THE HEART OF THE MATTER" PLAYS) 505 00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:07,245 You! Yeah. I was gonna call, 506 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:10,348 but then I thought, I don't know, I'd just come over. 507 00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:14,585 What for? I brought you $17 worth of soft pretzels. 508 00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:16,487 I wanted the money in cash. 509 00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,490 But the game's on. 510 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:22,593 You could come in and, uh, watch. 511 00:19:23,429 --> 00:19:25,930 Sure. I got nothing better to do. 512 00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:30,101 Lucky for you boys, the real culprit stepped forward. 513 00:19:30,103 --> 00:19:34,172 The lab's all yours again. Don't make crumbs. 514 00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:35,072 (BOYS CHEERING) 515 00:19:35,074 --> 00:19:37,642 Hey, sorry we blamed you for cheesing the drive. 516 00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:41,179 It's cool. I'm just glad we're back where we belong. 517 00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:43,981 ADULT ADAM: From that point on, I couldn't wait for lunchtime. 518 00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:48,819 And it was all thanks to someone who cared a little too much. 519 00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:51,155 Hey. Heard the good news. 520 00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:53,824 Stop. I know you fixed this for me, 521 00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:56,794 but wouldn't you say framing a kid 522 00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:59,697 kind of crosses every boundary ever? 523 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,365 God, you're right. 524 00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:04,802 I am horrible with boundaries, boopie. 525 00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,705 But I'll try to do better. 526 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:10,608 Well, I'll let this one time slide. 527 00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:15,079 But, to be clear, the "no snuggling" policy still stands. 528 00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:20,084 ADULT ADAM: In that moment, I realized that I had a mother 529 00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:23,254 who would cross any boundary for me. 530 00:20:25,291 --> 00:20:25,690 Starting now. 531 00:20:25,692 --> 00:20:29,794 ADULT ADAM: And that made me the luckiest kid in the world. 532 00:20:29,796 --> 00:20:31,262 There's too much salt on the pretzels. 533 00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:34,165 What are you talking about? Salt makes the pretzel. 534 00:20:34,167 --> 00:20:34,632 Salt makes you die. 535 00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:37,668 ADULT ADAM: 'Cause, at the end of the day, walls need to be broken, 536 00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:40,338 and boundaries need to be crossed... Yeah! 537 00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:43,241 ...in order for love to get through. 538 00:20:47,347 --> 00:20:49,380 (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) 539 00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:51,148 (DINGS) 540 00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,621 BARRY: Hi. You've reached the Goldbergs. 541 00:20:56,623 --> 00:20:57,955 Leave a message. (BEEPS) 542 00:20:57,957 --> 00:20:59,490 Hey. I got a flat tire, and I need... 543 00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:02,393 Ha! It's not the answering machine, you dumb idiot! 544 00:21:02,395 --> 00:21:04,028 It's actually me... Barry. 545 00:21:04,030 --> 00:21:05,796 (SIGHS) It's me. I need Dad... 546 00:21:05,798 --> 00:21:09,100 Gotcha again! It is the answering machine. 547 00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:09,900 Leave a message. (BEEPS) 548 00:21:09,902 --> 00:21:12,303 Damn it! I've got a flat tire, and I need Dad... 549 00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:14,772 No, it's actually me, Barry, for real. 550 00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:15,539 So, what's the deal? 551 00:21:15,541 --> 00:21:17,842 Barry, I will kill you! Put Dad on the... 552 00:21:17,844 --> 00:21:20,645 But, seriously, leave a message at the beep. 553 00:21:20,647 --> 00:21:22,146 (BEEPS) 554 00:21:26,052 --> 00:21:27,385 Dad, I've got a flat... 555 00:21:27,387 --> 00:21:30,888 Oh, my God. You're a dumb sack of crap.