1 00:00:00,234 --> 00:00:01,133 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, 2 00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:05,070 Philadelphia hosted one of the most legendary charity rock concerts 3 00:00:05,072 --> 00:00:06,638 ever assembled: Live Aid, 4 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:10,042 and no one wanted to go more than Big Tasty. 5 00:00:10,044 --> 00:00:12,778 Dad, we need to have an insanely important talk. 6 00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:14,380 And if you say, "Go to your mother," 7 00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:15,681 there will be serious consequences. 8 00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:17,249 Not listening. Go to your mother. 9 00:00:17,251 --> 00:00:19,318 Okay, you know how all the awesome stuff happens 10 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,754 in New York and L.A. and Florida, but never here? 11 00:00:21,756 --> 00:00:23,222 You do know that Philadelphia 12 00:00:23,224 --> 00:00:25,090 is the birthplace of our country, right? 13 00:00:25,092 --> 00:00:27,626 Enough with your folk tales, old man! 14 00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:29,028 I'm talking about now. 15 00:00:29,030 --> 00:00:29,595 It's called Live Aid. 16 00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:31,463 The world's biggest rock concert ever 17 00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:34,433 is happening here this weekend, and I need your car. 18 00:00:34,435 --> 00:00:35,768 What's wrong with your van? 19 00:00:35,770 --> 00:00:36,368 Doesn't start. 20 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,470 I think it needs new spark plugs or gas or something. 21 00:00:38,472 --> 00:00:40,773 Point is, give me your keys and wallet. Hurry. 22 00:00:40,775 --> 00:00:42,307 Here's the thing... No. 23 00:00:42,309 --> 00:00:44,043 But I presented such a strong case! 24 00:00:44,045 --> 00:00:45,577 This concert's been all over the news. 25 00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:48,614 There's gonna be a million morons pouring into the city, 26 00:00:48,616 --> 00:00:50,816 each one with bad hair and worse ideas. 27 00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:53,318 But I have the worst ideas! I should be there, too. 28 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:57,456 No way I'm allowing my car to be driven in that madness. 29 00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:58,123 It'll never return. 30 00:00:58,125 --> 00:00:59,458 Do you even know who's performing at Live Aid? 31 00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:02,528 I don't know, and more importantly, I don't care. 32 00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:04,763 Rick Springfield, REO Speedwagon, 33 00:01:04,765 --> 00:01:07,399 the Hooters, Black Sabbath, RUN-D.M.C., 34 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,536 Simple Minds, Judas Priest, Led Zeppelin, 35 00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:12,471 Bernard Watson, Joan Baez, 36 00:01:12,473 --> 00:01:14,773 Four Tops, Billy Ocean, Bryan Adams, 37 00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:18,343 Crosby, Stills & Nash, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, 38 00:01:18,345 --> 00:01:18,710 Neil Young, 39 00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:21,713 Bob Dylan, George Thorogood & the Destroyers, 40 00:01:21,715 --> 00:01:23,482 most of the Rolling Stones, 41 00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:24,316 all of Hall & Oates, 42 00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:26,652 Madonna, Phil Collins, Duran Duran, 43 00:01:26,654 --> 00:01:29,421 Eddie Kendricks and David Ruffin, 44 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:30,322 Patti LaBelle, 45 00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:32,291 The Cars, Kenny Loggins, 46 00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:33,859 Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers, 47 00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:37,162 Santana, Pretenders, Ashford & Simpson... 48 00:01:37,164 --> 00:01:40,132 Ashford & Simpson? I'm in! 49 00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:40,732 Really? No! 50 00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:44,136 None of these names mean anything to me! 51 00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:58,684 ADULT ADAM: It was October 5, 1980-something, 52 00:01:58,686 --> 00:02:00,252 and I had a genius plan 53 00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:02,287 to be the coolest freshman ever. 54 00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:04,189 Big news. I'm starting a club: 55 00:02:04,191 --> 00:02:06,492 The Saturday Night Live Society. 56 00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:07,493 Ugh. Here we go. 57 00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:08,160 It'll be awesome. 58 00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:10,129 We can wear costumes and perform skits 59 00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:12,164 and do all their greatest characters, 60 00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:13,265 like the Church Lady. 61 00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:15,434 (IMITATING CHURCH LADY) Isn't that special? 62 00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:17,603 Cut the crap, dude. You sound crazy. 63 00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:18,303 We're freshmen now. 64 00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:19,505 We got to start thinking about our reps. 65 00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:21,507 (IMITATING FERNANDO) You look mah-velous. 66 00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:23,342 Please! We're in public. 67 00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:24,543 Girls hate that stuff. 68 00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:25,144 We really do. 69 00:02:25,146 --> 00:02:27,479 Impressing girls is the least of my concerns. 70 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:30,415 I'm just trying to make it through the day. 71 00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:32,518 Oh, balls. 72 00:02:33,154 --> 00:02:35,454 It's her. She's here. 73 00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:38,524 It's...Waffle Girl. 74 00:02:38,526 --> 00:02:39,358 Waffle Girl? 75 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,393 ADULT ADAM: Oh, yes, Waffle Girl. 76 00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:43,195 She was my first crush ever. 77 00:02:43,197 --> 00:02:44,530 I hadn't seen her in three years, 78 00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:48,367 but now that I was a freshman, I was back in her world. 79 00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,536 So many confusing feelings. 80 00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:52,437 That's all in the past, bro. 81 00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:53,438 We're in the now, 82 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,941 and that means you got to go rock that body. 83 00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:56,542 Don't do that. 84 00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:59,211 You already laid the groundwork when you were a small child. 85 00:02:59,213 --> 00:02:59,645 Close the deal. 86 00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:02,581 How? She's a junior. I'm just a boy. 87 00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:03,315 Not anymore. 88 00:03:03,317 --> 00:03:05,284 Back then, you were just a creepy kid. 89 00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:07,953 Now you're a man, so it's not creepy at all. 90 00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:08,754 Nope, still creepy. 91 00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:11,223 Just walk on over there and be like, 92 00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:12,424 "Yo, Waffles, remember me? 93 00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:15,627 "Powdered sugar, sliced banana, side of sausage. 94 00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:16,428 "Name's Adam Goldberg." 95 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,530 I can't say my name. It's too confusing. 96 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,933 There's another Adam Goldberg in school. 97 00:03:20,935 --> 00:03:21,600 He's a senior. 98 00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:23,869 He told me in no uncertain terms 99 00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,704 that he's got dibs on the upper-class girls. 100 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,940 Stop using the other Adam Goldberg as an excuse. 101 00:03:27,942 --> 00:03:31,443 Yeah, there's just so many other reasons why it won't work. 102 00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:33,979 (SCOFFS) What do you know about girls? 103 00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:36,415 Look, all you got to do is show her 104 00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:38,250 that older women don't intimidate you. 105 00:03:38,252 --> 00:03:40,919 You're right! It's all about confidence! 106 00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:43,722 Oh, crap, here she comes. 107 00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,225 Sausage! 108 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,926 What's that? 109 00:03:48,295 --> 00:03:49,294 I'm a man now. 110 00:03:49,296 --> 00:03:52,898 Oh, my God! Uh...Alan, right? 111 00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:55,500 You used to come by the House of Waffles. 112 00:03:55,502 --> 00:03:56,735 I am Alan, yes. 113 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,837 Aww. You were such a cute kid. 114 00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:01,406 (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) Well, see you around. 115 00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:04,643 ADULT ADAM: As I was out to prove to my first crush I was a man, 116 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:07,512 Barry was still fighting my dad about going to Live Aid. 117 00:04:07,514 --> 00:04:09,948 Mom! Talk some sense into this bad man! 118 00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:12,618 He's not letting me go to the world's most awesome concert! 119 00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:14,319 Well, if you're jonesing for some bitchin' tunes, 120 00:04:14,321 --> 00:04:16,822 what do you say we go to the Beach Boys concert, huh? 121 00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:22,461 Oh, my God, what are you singing? 122 00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:25,797 Come on, go on a Surfin' Safari with your mama. 123 00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:27,899 I got two tickets. Come. 124 00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:28,367 Never! 125 00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:30,969 The only concert Big Tasty is going to is Live Aid, 126 00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:32,838 and nothing will stop me. 127 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,474 (ENGINE SPUTTERS) 128 00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:35,674 Gah! 129 00:04:35,676 --> 00:04:38,377 ADULT ADAM: Well, nothing except for an empty gas tank. 130 00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:38,810 Doesn't matter! 131 00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:41,747 I'll run there if I have to! Live Aid! 132 00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:44,716 ADULT ADAM: But Barry still wasn't deterred... 133 00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:45,450 Oh, cramp, cramp! 134 00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:49,621 ...until the tummy cramp and the pebble in his shoe. 135 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:50,022 Stupid pebble! 136 00:04:50,024 --> 00:04:52,557 Clearly, he wasn't going to the Beach Boys with my mom, 137 00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:53,892 so she dragged along my dad. 138 00:04:53,894 --> 00:04:56,461 I can't believe I let you talk me into this. 139 00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:57,829 Who knew so many people loved 140 00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:00,065 the delicate doo-wops of the Beach Boys? 141 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:02,934 They what? Let me see those tickets. 142 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:04,569 Live Aid? 143 00:05:04,571 --> 00:05:06,938 The Beach Boys are playing at Live Aid? 144 00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:09,775 You just took me into the eye of the storm! 145 00:05:09,777 --> 00:05:11,610 I had no idea. 146 00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:12,678 But come to think of it, 147 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,047 the guy at Ticketron did mention a couple of opening bands. 148 00:05:15,049 --> 00:05:17,916 Thirty bands! We got to turn around right now. 149 00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:20,686 Stop being so dramatic. It's just a little traffic. 150 00:05:20,688 --> 00:05:23,955 You go into the Live Aid. I'll circle for three hours. 151 00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:24,690 No, don't circle. 152 00:05:24,692 --> 00:05:26,925 For once, can you not be so stubborn? 153 00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:29,528 We could be here for days! 154 00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:30,362 Damn it! 155 00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:31,530 This is my (BLEEP) nightmare! 156 00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:34,566 ADULT ADAM: As my dad was desperate to get out of traffic, 157 00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:38,337 I was desperate to figure out a way to show Waffle Girl 158 00:05:38,339 --> 00:05:40,372 I wasn't a little kid anymore. 159 00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:41,373 Like any sensible adult, 160 00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:43,909 I stole an idea from "The Brady Bunch." 161 00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:45,977 But I do have a boyfriend. 162 00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:46,812 It was a legendary episode 163 00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:49,414 where Jan fakes a boyfriend by naming him... 164 00:05:49,416 --> 00:05:52,851 George, uh, Glass... George Glass. 165 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,586 That's it. George Glass. 166 00:05:54,588 --> 00:05:58,357 Oh, Jan Brady, you giver of genius middle-child wisdom. 167 00:05:58,359 --> 00:06:00,692 She's no Marcia, but she does have moxie. 168 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,728 That's how I'll impress Waffle Girl. 169 00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:04,963 I'm make up a fake older girlfriend, 170 00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:08,500 and then she'll know I can hang with mature ladies. 171 00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:11,103 I don't know what that sentence means, 172 00:06:11,105 --> 00:06:11,837 but go for it, kiddo. 173 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:14,840 Oh, my God! Do not "George Glass" anyone. 174 00:06:14,842 --> 00:06:18,543 It's too late. My plan is already taking shape, 175 00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:20,679 and her name shall be... 176 00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:24,649 Lampy...Tableson. 177 00:06:24,651 --> 00:06:25,784 Lampy's not a name. 178 00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:26,585 She's foreign. 179 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,620 She just transferred to Villanova 180 00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:30,655 from the University of Europe. 181 00:06:30,657 --> 00:06:32,824 This Lampy sounds hot to trot. 182 00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:34,493 Only a sad, desperate loser 183 00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:36,962 would stoop to George Glass-ing someone. 184 00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:37,729 (SCOFFS) 185 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:38,663 His name's Jordan Wahlberg, 186 00:06:38,665 --> 00:06:40,665 and he just transferred to Villanova. 187 00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:40,999 Oh, my God. 188 00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:42,834 I can't believe your new boyfriend's in college. 189 00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:45,404 Yeah, Jordy's on a swim scholarship. 190 00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:46,405 He's crazy hot. 191 00:06:46,407 --> 00:06:47,506 You are so lucky. 192 00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:50,509 But not as lucky as finding a guy like my Geoffrey. 193 00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:51,877 Yeah. I can do this. 194 00:06:51,879 --> 00:06:53,178 A lot of people can do that. 195 00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:53,979 We are just so happy 196 00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:57,983 that you have finally, finally found someone, Erica. 197 00:06:57,985 --> 00:06:59,684 Thanks. What about you, Geoff? 198 00:06:59,686 --> 00:07:00,485 Are you happy for me, 199 00:07:00,487 --> 00:07:02,187 or is it more complicated than that? 200 00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:03,054 What? Nothing. 201 00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:05,056 Are you freaking kidding me right now? 202 00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:06,825 Uh, I got to call Jordy. Bye. 203 00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:09,795 ADULT ADAM: While I was furious that Erica stole my idea, 204 00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:12,898 my furious father was still stuck in traffic! 205 00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:14,933 Damn it! Move, already! 206 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,868 And then it happened. 207 00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:17,869 Mur, look. 208 00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:21,473 The parking gods took pity on my parents! 209 00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:22,107 A space. 210 00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,542 Not just any space. 211 00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:26,611 That's the greatest space of all time! 212 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,480 (TIRES SCREECH) 213 00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,016 Son of a bitch. Oh, come on. 214 00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:34,052 Hey, buddy, I was here first! 215 00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:37,456 What's he doing? He's ignoring me! 216 00:07:37,458 --> 00:07:39,891 Stop it. W-Where are you going? 217 00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,927 Get back in the car! 218 00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,094 Hiya, buddy. 219 00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:46,998 Listen, uh, this space... It's mine. 220 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:47,732 (HORN HONKING) 221 00:07:47,734 --> 00:07:49,901 What are you... What are you honking? 222 00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:50,936 He's honking! 223 00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:52,137 We'll find another space! 224 00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:53,472 We will not find another space. 225 00:07:53,474 --> 00:07:57,576 (HONKING) Now you're honking at a private conversation 226 00:07:57,578 --> 00:07:59,711 between a man and his wife. 227 00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:00,512 (HORN HONKS) 228 00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:03,548 Fine. Two can play at that game. 229 00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:05,083 Honk! (HORN HONKS) 230 00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:05,817 Honk! (HORN HONKS) 231 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:09,621 ADULT ADAM: My dad spent the next hour screaming his face off. 232 00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:11,990 Meanwhile, I was about to face off with a thief. 233 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:15,560 Well! If it isn't my sister, who pulled a George Glass 234 00:08:15,562 --> 00:08:18,897 after she specifically told me it was stupid! 235 00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:19,164 For you. 236 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:22,567 You lack the pathological qualities needed to pull it off. 237 00:08:22,569 --> 00:08:23,969 Me? Easy breezy. 238 00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:24,736 Jordan Wahlberg? 239 00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:26,771 You just took two New Kids on the Block 240 00:08:26,773 --> 00:08:27,672 and mashed them together. 241 00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:30,008 Jordy is much more than a name. 242 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,142 He's got big plans, 243 00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:32,711 and I put them down in this dossier. 244 00:08:32,713 --> 00:08:34,546 For example, after he goes to the Olympics, 245 00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,648 he's going to med school to become a urologist. 246 00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:39,184 That's crazy! No one wants to be a urologist. 247 00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:43,221 Face it, I'm unbeatable. I've thought of every detail. 248 00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:45,223 I was made to George Glass me a guy. 249 00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:47,259 Well, I was made to George Glass me a gal. 250 00:08:47,261 --> 00:08:50,562 Oh! So sad, you guys have to make up pretend lovers 251 00:08:50,564 --> 00:08:52,864 instead of knowing the joy of a authentic one. 252 00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:55,934 I'm talking about my longtime companion, Lainey. 253 00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:56,902 Sad. Idiot. 254 00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:59,871 You had a fake girlfriend from Canada for three years. 255 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,107 Marian Lemieux wasn't fake! I met her at camp. 256 00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:04,876 We went to the same camp. There was no Marian. 257 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,211 She spent all her time at the lake, 258 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,713 but then had to leave for a modeling emergency! 259 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,248 It happens! ERICA: Whatever. 260 00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:11,149 Point is, there's only room 261 00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:14,786 for one George Glasser in this family, and it's me. 262 00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:15,787 ADULT ADAM: The battle had begun. 263 00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:19,157 It was time for me to bring Lampy to life. 264 00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,025 Are you sure about this, dude? 265 00:09:20,027 --> 00:09:23,328 Yes, I'm taking my fake girlfriend to a whole new level. 266 00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:26,765 A hickey equals proof. Engage. 267 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,667 (VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS) 268 00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:30,135 (SUCTION POPS) 269 00:09:30,304 --> 00:09:30,969 It kind of tickles. 270 00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:34,105 Don't make this any weirder than it already is. 271 00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:34,773 (WHIRRING STOPS) 272 00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:37,042 How's it look? Like you got some action. 273 00:09:37,044 --> 00:09:37,609 Then do more. 274 00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:39,744 I want people to know me and Lampy are the real deal. 275 00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:41,713 What's a Lampy? Just hickey me, already! 276 00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:43,315 (VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING, SUCTION POPS) 277 00:09:43,317 --> 00:09:45,083 This cannot fail. 278 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,319 Fail! I can see that, Dave Kim! 279 00:09:47,321 --> 00:09:50,589 ADULT ADAM: While the vacuum was threatening to blow up my spot, 280 00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:53,158 my dad was still refusing to give up his. 281 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:56,595 How long are we gonna do this? Just give it up. 282 00:09:56,597 --> 00:09:57,062 I was here first! 283 00:09:57,064 --> 00:09:59,230 According to parking rules, this space is mine. 284 00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:02,067 We all know that there are no rules to parking. 285 00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:05,971 Look! I'm in more of the spot than you are, so it's mine! 286 00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:07,138 You just said, "No rules," 287 00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:09,307 yet you just told me a rule, you moron! 288 00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:12,177 Murray, it's a stupid parking space! 289 00:10:12,179 --> 00:10:13,678 Stop being so stubborn! 290 00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:15,880 Never! I will stay here forever. 291 00:10:15,882 --> 00:10:18,149 I will make this my home if I have to. 292 00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:19,217 That's absurd. 293 00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:20,652 How would you get ready for work? 294 00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:24,055 I would leave my job and move my family here. 295 00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:24,789 Don't be an idiot. 296 00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:27,926 This spot can hold three people, max, 297 00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:28,393 not a whole family! 298 00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:33,264 I will forsake my wife and kids and my life as I know it 299 00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:35,033 just for this parking space! 300 00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:37,068 That is a horrible thing to s... 301 00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:39,671 Your wife is sitting right there. 302 00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:40,372 Thank you, Larry. 303 00:10:40,374 --> 00:10:44,843 Yes! Thank you, Larry, because this is my new home. 304 00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:47,345 Not the pants. Oh, yes, the pants. 305 00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:48,046 Don't you do it. 306 00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:50,649 MURRAY: And this feels just like home. 307 00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:51,883 Whoo! Whoo! It feels good. 308 00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:57,088 You know, I like to dig in, but this is next level, buddy. 309 00:10:57,691 --> 00:10:58,990 Good luck to you, Beverly. 310 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,092 (CHUCKLES) You see that, Bevy? 311 00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:03,094 This is what victory looks like. 312 00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:05,930 And that's what the end of a concert looks like. 313 00:11:05,932 --> 00:11:09,334 But we won the space, and that's not nothing. 314 00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,670 Oh, my God. 315 00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,173 ADULT ADAM: My plan with the vacuum sucked, 316 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:18,243 so my only option was to double down. 317 00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:19,878 I know I keep saying this, man, 318 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,913 but I don't know about this, man. 319 00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:22,380 Shut up, Dave Kim. 320 00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:25,283 My only choice is to turn these obviously fake hickeys 321 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,152 into a convincing paintball injuries. 322 00:11:27,154 --> 00:11:29,054 (PAINTBALL GUN FIRES) Oh, balls! 323 00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:31,022 Balls! Oh, balls! It hurts. 324 00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,158 It hurts so bad! Next time, warn me. 325 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:36,127 Thought it would be better to surprise you. Ready? 326 00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:38,229 (PAINTBALL GUN FIRES) Oh! It hurts worse. 327 00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:40,932 It's worse when you prepare! Don't let me prepare. 328 00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:41,733 Go back to the other way. 329 00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:44,903 (PAINTBALL GUN FIRES) Oh, man! Manischewitz! 330 00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:46,471 (PAINTBALL GUN FIRES) Sorry! 331 00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:48,073 Funky Cold Medina! 332 00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:48,840 So sorry. 333 00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,175 Mommy! Mommy! Everyone okay? 334 00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:51,476 Thought I heard a woman scream. 335 00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:54,112 Yeah, probably scared some freshman ladies 336 00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:55,346 with my extreme p-ball training. 337 00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:59,384 I had no idea you played paintball. It's totally my thing. 338 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:01,086 It's totally my thing, too. 339 00:12:01,088 --> 00:12:04,789 I used to go with my college girlfriend, 340 00:12:04,791 --> 00:12:07,292 Paintsy McBallerson. 341 00:12:07,294 --> 00:12:08,293 Want to go with me sometime? 342 00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:10,495 I'm always looking for a battle partner. 343 00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:12,130 Uh, yeah, for sure. 344 00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:14,032 Great. It's a date. 345 00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:16,835 (PAINTBALL GUN FIRES) 346 00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:18,103 Oh, my... Ow! 347 00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:21,039 Dad, it has recently come to my attention 348 00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:24,876 that the Beach Boys concert mom invited me to 16 times 349 00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:26,277 was, in fact, Live Aid. 350 00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,078 How about that? 351 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,914 Yes. "How about that?" indeed. 352 00:12:30,484 --> 00:12:31,750 What the hell is that? 353 00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:33,885 This, Father, is a traditional mok jong, 354 00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:37,055 or as the uninitiated call it, a karate training post. 355 00:12:37,057 --> 00:12:38,823 Well, why is it blocking The Rockford Files? 356 00:12:38,825 --> 00:12:42,327 See, I have achieved a rage so pure, so overwhelming, 357 00:12:42,329 --> 00:12:45,463 I have no choice but to channel it into this wooden thing 358 00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:46,264 for the next three hours. 359 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,966 This is gonna be a whole thing, isn't it? 360 00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:50,168 Up windmill! Down windmill! 361 00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:51,436 Cross block! Hyah-hyah! 362 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:54,773 Monkey steals the peach! Tiger climbs the tree! 363 00:12:54,775 --> 00:12:57,008 Looks like I'm not the only one upset 364 00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:58,076 about missing their concert. 365 00:12:58,078 --> 00:13:01,079 Look, I'm a stubborn guy. I can't change that. 366 00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:02,981 You can change, and you will. 367 00:13:02,983 --> 00:13:04,249 It's an impossible ask. 368 00:13:04,251 --> 00:13:05,350 To start, you're taking me to Chi-Chi's, 369 00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:09,254 and I'm finally gonna try those sizzlin' fa-jee-tas everybody's raving about. 370 00:13:09,256 --> 00:13:12,190 You know my rule about Mexican food. Can't do it. 371 00:13:12,192 --> 00:13:12,924 That's the whole point. 372 00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:17,796 You won't eat Mexican food 'cause once you had bad nachos at a Phillies game. 373 00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:19,030 There was a war inside me, Bevy. 374 00:13:19,032 --> 00:13:22,467 That's on you for ordering beans and liquid cheese 375 00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:24,435 in an outdoor stadium in July. 376 00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:25,937 I reject all Mexican foods forever. 377 00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:29,874 We're going to Chi-Chi's, and you're gonna like it! 378 00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:32,377 Hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah! 379 00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:34,979 (YAWNING) Oh, my God. 380 00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:37,182 Jordan's frat threw this sick rager, 381 00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:38,516 and I was out till, like, dawn. 382 00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:40,151 The best parties are always at Omega Sig. 383 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:45,256 Wait. My cousin Brett goes to Villanova, and he's Omega. 384 00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:45,990 Oh? Wow! 385 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:49,227 Yeah, I thought they can't have parties anymore 386 00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:51,162 since T-Bone fell off the roof. 387 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:55,300 Maybe it's not Omega Sig. It's Omega Beta. 388 00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:56,601 That's right. I'm tired. 389 00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:57,869 Actually, Omega Beta is a sorority. 390 00:13:57,871 --> 00:14:00,238 Yeah, we know because they put out a calendar every year. 391 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:02,407 It's quite tasteful, and the proceeds go to charity. 392 00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:05,210 You don't know which frat your boyfriend's in? 393 00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:08,112 Wait. Fast. What color are his eyes? 394 00:14:08,114 --> 00:14:09,180 Breen. Breen? 395 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:12,217 Oh, my God, are you George Glass-ing us? 396 00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:12,584 George what? 397 00:14:12,586 --> 00:14:14,886 I mean, I don't even know what you're talking about. 398 00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:16,454 Come on. Erica, of all people, 399 00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:17,488 wouldn't need to make up a boyfriend. 400 00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:21,226 Thank you, Geoff. I mean, I've never even seen The Brady Bunch. 401 00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:22,360 Oh, you clearly just referenced 402 00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:25,430 the thing you said you didn't know, so now I feel sad for you. 403 00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:27,365 Me too. It's all unraveling. 404 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:27,999 Jordan Wahlberg! 405 00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:31,336 All you did was combine two names from New Kids on the Block! 406 00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:31,636 So cute. 407 00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:35,874 It's not cute. It's real, and it's college, and breen is a color. 408 00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:38,042 It's brown mixed with green, so suck it. 409 00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:43,081 Well, I guess we'll believe it if and when we meet him. 410 00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:48,953 You know, my Nana says that sometimes wishing makes it so. 411 00:14:48,955 --> 00:14:50,455 Your pity makes it worse. 412 00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:52,123 Agreed. 413 00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:53,524 Well, well. 414 00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:56,327 It appears even my pathological sister 415 00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:58,129 can't pull off a George Glass. 416 00:14:58,131 --> 00:14:59,197 Oh, and like you're doing any better? 417 00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:03,134 In fact, I am. I have a romantic paintball date with Waffle Girl. 418 00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:05,036 How is paintball romantic in any way? 419 00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:07,338 Trust me, our love will be forged on the battlefield 420 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:12,510 once she witnesses my unflinching courage and legendary bravery. 421 00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:14,913 (SCREAMS) I'm so scared! 422 00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,180 That one grazed my hand a little. 423 00:15:16,182 --> 00:15:18,683 Don't hurt me! I'm just a little boy! 424 00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:21,052 (PAINTBALL GUN FIRES) 425 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,454 Wait! Alan, you dropped your gun! 426 00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:25,657 I don't care! 427 00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,494 Isn't this great, Mur? 428 00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:30,628 See how much fun we can have 429 00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:32,964 when you're not busy being a stubborn grump? 430 00:15:32,966 --> 00:15:34,666 I have to admit, it's not that bad. 431 00:15:34,668 --> 00:15:38,169 And the chicken fajita for the lovely senorita. 432 00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:39,237 And for the senor... 433 00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:42,006 Bup, bup. I ordered the steak fa-jee-tas. 434 00:15:42,008 --> 00:15:45,543 My sincerest apologies, senor. Uh, no more steak fajitas. 435 00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:47,979 No more steak fa-jee-tas? Murray, chicken's fine. 436 00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:50,515 Those people over there, they were seated after us, 437 00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:51,950 and they got their steak fa-jee-tas. 438 00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:55,353 This dinner is supposed to show me how not stubborn you are. 439 00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:57,956 Don't ruin it by being extra stubborn. 440 00:15:57,958 --> 00:15:58,990 Look, here's what's gonna happen. 441 00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:01,626 You're gonna go to every table with steak fa-jee-tas, 442 00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:05,263 take one off their plate, put it on my plate. 443 00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:05,997 Problem solved. 444 00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:07,031 You take those chicken fa-jee-tas 445 00:16:07,033 --> 00:16:10,601 and put them in a corn tor-till-a right now, or I'm going home. 446 00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:11,436 Well, then go... Excuse me. 447 00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:17,075 Because I'm not leaving until my fa-jee-tas are good and steaked. 448 00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:18,376 End of story. 449 00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:20,111 See, Bevy? It all worked out. 450 00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:23,548 We didn't get fa-jee-tas, but we got something even better, 451 00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:24,649 cheesesteaks from Jim's. 452 00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,585 Yes, Murray, it all worked out... For you. 453 00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:29,554 You can't still be mad. 454 00:16:29,556 --> 00:16:30,154 Ho-ho, I am. 455 00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,256 Mom, you should practice fighting my wooden post. 456 00:16:32,258 --> 00:16:35,293 It took four hours, but I punched all the rage out of me. 457 00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:37,495 Look. You're just as bad as me. Me stubborn? 458 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:40,732 When Adam gets a bad grade, who storms down to school 459 00:16:40,734 --> 00:16:44,302 and refuses to leave until they change it? Me, but... 460 00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:47,605 And who had a two-hour standoff at the deli counter 461 00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:49,507 about how to slice turkey breasts? 462 00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:52,343 Our family only eats paper-thin meats. 463 00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,212 And who argued about the warranty 464 00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:58,750 of a decade-old washing machine and somehow got it replaced? 465 00:16:58,752 --> 00:17:01,219 I didn't do those things for me, Murray! 466 00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:02,653 I did them for the people I love! 467 00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:05,356 So, yes, I'm stubborn when it comes to my family. 468 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:08,726 But you? You're only stubborn for the things you want. 469 00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:10,762 And that's not just being stubborn. 470 00:17:10,764 --> 00:17:13,664 That's just being plain selfish. 471 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:21,572 ADULT ADAM: My date with Waffle Girl had turned into a massacre... 472 00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:22,240 Of my dignity. 473 00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:24,675 Alan, I'm pinned! You have to help me! 474 00:17:24,677 --> 00:17:28,279 Um, okay, Waffle Girl. 475 00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:29,113 (PAINTBALL GUN FIRES) 476 00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:32,450 Ow! Ow, ow, ow! They keep hitting my hand. 477 00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:33,718 Ugh. Your lady's pinned, dude! 478 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,387 You're gonna have to flank left, draw enemy fire. 479 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:39,223 I'll break right, she'll go for the flag. 480 00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,291 Or another battle plan. 481 00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:44,328 I flee back to the parking lot and hide under your Tercel. 482 00:17:44,330 --> 00:17:46,397 On 3. 3! (GRUNTS) 483 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:47,498 (PAINTBALL GUNFIRE) 484 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,467 (GROANING) Oh! Oh, balls! 485 00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:51,135 I surrender, damn it! 486 00:17:51,137 --> 00:17:54,238 Aah! Ew! Ow, ow, ow, ew! 487 00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:55,273 I got it! That's game! 488 00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:58,176 (THE BEACH BOYS' GOD ONLY KNOWS PLAYS) You saved us, wuss bag. 489 00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:00,745 I had 100 bucks riding on this, so I owe you one. 490 00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:03,247 ADULT ADAM: Turns out, love can sting. 491 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:07,518 But as much pain as I was in, my sister hurt even more. 492 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:08,252 Fun time at paintball? 493 00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:12,490 Yeah. I kind of made an ass out of myself in front of Waffle Girl. 494 00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:15,526 Can't be worse than me. You saw what happened. 495 00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:19,697 Evy outed me, and everyone thinks I'm a total joke. 496 00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:21,432 Even Geoff? 497 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,301 Especially Geoff. 498 00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:25,336 Anything I can do? 499 00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:26,304 I wish. 500 00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:31,476 Truth is, at this point, there is nothing anybody can do. 501 00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:33,444 It hard to watch someone you care about hurt, 502 00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:37,648 but every once in a while, love can turn around and surprise you. 503 00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:42,687 Murray? What is this? 504 00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:43,754 I screwed up. 505 00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:46,591 So I, uh, went back to Chi-Chi's. 506 00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:49,327 You went back to the Mexican restaurant for me? 507 00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:53,397 Look, I'm a stubborn bastard. I always will be. 508 00:18:53,399 --> 00:18:58,469 But I realized the most important thing for me to be stubborn about 509 00:18:58,571 --> 00:18:59,637 is making you happy. 510 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:03,875 ADULT ADAM: That night, my dad gave up his stubborn ways. 511 00:19:03,877 --> 00:19:05,743 Eh, sort of. 512 00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:06,277 Not bad. 513 00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:08,746 It's not as sizzly when you do them in the microwave. 514 00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:11,449 But I don't know how to work an oven, and I refuse to learn. 515 00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:16,721 And yet my dad still learned for one person, my mom. 516 00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:17,855 Hey, Jan Brady. 517 00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:19,490 You heading up to Tappa Tappa Keg 518 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,459 to meet up with Donnie McIntyre? 519 00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:22,627 It's Jordan Wahlberg. 520 00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:24,629 EDDIE: (WHISTLES) Erica! 521 00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:25,630 Why haven't you called me back? 522 00:19:25,632 --> 00:19:28,332 Kappa Phi is throwing a kegger tonight. 523 00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:29,767 You coming or what? 524 00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:30,401 Holy! He's real? 525 00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:35,239 Sorry, Jordan Wahlberg, who is clearly very real and very handsome. 526 00:19:35,241 --> 00:19:36,274 I told you, we're over. 527 00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:38,442 (CHUCKLES) Okay, wait. Adam said if I... 528 00:19:38,444 --> 00:19:40,344 It's done, so please just go. 529 00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:44,382 Hey, sorry you guys had to see that. He's taking it hard. 530 00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:47,552 Looks like it. Are you okay? 531 00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:50,888 Yeah. He just wasn't the one. 532 00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:57,929 Wow. Looks like you're a true George Glass master. 533 00:19:57,931 --> 00:19:58,663 Why did you help me? 534 00:19:58,665 --> 00:20:01,365 Look, Waffle Girl is just some random crush. 535 00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:05,303 I don't even know her name, and she thinks mine's Alan. 536 00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:08,239 But you and Geoff, that's the real deal. 537 00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:10,875 ADULT ADAM: No one's perfect when it comes to family. 538 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,644 Easy. I'm still really sore. 539 00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:13,945 (CHUCKLES) 540 00:20:13,947 --> 00:20:16,581 Sometimes we lie, sometimes we're stubborn. 541 00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:18,616 Sometimes we get so caught up in ourselves 542 00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:21,552 that we forget to look out for each other. 543 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:27,825 Oh, that's the Beach Boys. Who was I thinking of? 544 00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:29,260 The Monkees. 545 00:20:29,262 --> 00:20:30,328 Ah, yeah, they're funny. 546 00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:32,730 Maybe they'll be at the next Live Aid. 547 00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:33,898 ADULT ADAM: But that's family for you. 548 00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:38,002 In the end, God only knows where we'd be without each other. 549 00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:40,338 Punchy, punchy, kick, kick! 550 00:20:41,808 --> 00:20:42,740 MURRAY: No, man, don't do that. 551 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:45,676 I tried to park, and you jumped into the parking spot. 552 00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:47,311 (BELL DINGS) 553 00:20:48,314 --> 00:20:48,779 Yeah, that's great. 554 00:20:48,781 --> 00:20:50,915 I got 20 other people who could say the same thing. 555 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:53,417 You don't got a camera. Do you? 556 00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:55,553 Yes. Come on down with it. 557 00:20:55,555 --> 00:20:58,689 I got what I want. Hi, Mom. 558 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:03,628 You made some headway on Operation Waffle Girl. 559 00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:06,764 Only took you four years, but worth the wait. 560 00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:08,032 I want to ask her out again, 561 00:21:08,034 --> 00:21:09,800 preferably to something not painful. 562 00:21:09,802 --> 00:21:13,471 Oh, no, you don't, Mister. No more Waffle Girl. 563 00:21:13,473 --> 00:21:15,439 She is much too old for you. 564 00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:18,776 Mom, I'm an actual man now, a man with needs. 565 00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:22,813 And I'm gonna show Waffle Girl just how much of a man I am, 566 00:21:22,815 --> 00:21:24,649 and it's gonna get so freaky that she... 567 00:21:24,651 --> 00:21:27,652 She's right there behind me, isn't she? 568 00:21:28,321 --> 00:21:30,888 I'll come back in another four years.