1
00:00:00,301 --> 00:00:01,934
ADULT ADAM:
Long before online dating,
2
00:00:01,936 --> 00:00:05,004
single people bared their
souls on videotape,
3
00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:07,373
and this is what
it actually looked like.
4
00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:08,140
Hi. I'm Maurice.
5
00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:10,976
I'm an executive by day
and a wild man by night.
6
00:00:10,978 --> 00:00:13,212
I'm not afraid
to get sand on my tuxedo
7
00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:14,747
if you're not afraid
to let the wind
8
00:00:14,749 --> 00:00:16,148
mess your hair up a little bit
when I take the top down.
9
00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:20,853
ADULT ADAM: And video dating
had finally hit the suburbs
of Philly.
10
00:00:20,855 --> 00:00:21,854
Excuse me, ladies.
11
00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:24,623
How would you like to meet
the man of your dreams?
12
00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:25,958
Ew.
You're really old.
13
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:26,692
Ouch. (CHUCKLES)
14
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:30,929
But, no, I'm talking about
the romantic wave
of the future,
15
00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:32,364
video dating.
16
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:33,832
It's a real business.
17
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:36,502
Using our advanced
VHS technology
18
00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:38,971
and a one-time fee of $399,
19
00:00:38,973 --> 00:00:42,041
followed by lifetime
monthly fees of only $19.99,
20
00:00:42,043 --> 00:00:44,276
anyone can now find love.
21
00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:48,147
So, which of you lonely hearts
is looking for Mr. Right?
22
00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:51,150
Well, I'm not, but...
(CLEARS THROAT)
23
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:53,052
I am not
a sad-sack loser.
24
00:00:53,054 --> 00:00:55,788
I choose to be alone,
and it's the best.
25
00:00:55,790 --> 00:00:57,689
It is the best, isn't it?
(CHUCKLES)
26
00:00:57,691 --> 00:00:59,558
Well, that's too bad
because for a limited time,
27
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,428
anyone that joins
the VD community
28
00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:04,263
gets a free tote bag
for just $12.99.
29
00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:08,400
I am not carrying around a bag
that says, "I heart VD."
30
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:09,101
My God.
31
00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:12,538
Wait, I have the perfect
customer for you, my dad.
32
00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:14,873
He's totally ready
to get back out there.
33
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:15,507
Hell, no!
34
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:18,177
Why would I ever do
video dating?
I'm living the dream.
35
00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:20,345
It's 2:00 in the afternoon,
and you're still in your robe.
36
00:01:20,347 --> 00:01:23,916
So? A robe is just
a long jacket made of towel.
37
00:01:23,918 --> 00:01:24,983
Lots of people wear these.
38
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,051
Not to other people's homes.
39
00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:28,087
In this house,
we keep it loose.
40
00:01:28,089 --> 00:01:30,522
Dad, it's been four years
since Mom left.
41
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:31,723
Isn't it time you got
set up with someone?
42
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:34,526
Set up?
Did somebody say "set up"?
Who am I setting up?
43
00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:36,695
No, stop.
We don't need your help.
44
00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:38,197
Bill's gonna do video dating.
45
00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:40,599
Video dating?
(CHUCKLES)
46
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,234
(ROBOTIC VOICE)
Beep, boop, bop, zorp.
47
00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:44,870
Beep, boop, bop.
I will find you love.
48
00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:48,240
Sorry, but, uh,
your way of matchmaking
is a thing of the past.
49
00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:50,943
(NORMAL VOICE) Please.
I am literally responsible
50
00:01:50,945 --> 00:01:53,345
for setting up
over 200 couples,
51
00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:55,380
which means
I'm personally responsible
52
00:01:55,382 --> 00:01:56,815
for over 62,000 babies.
53
00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:58,217
Yeah,
that's not real math.
54
00:01:58,219 --> 00:01:59,718
Bill, would you rather
put your heart
55
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,553
in the hands
of a proven love champion
56
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:05,591
or risk everything
with someone whose romantic
record is a little spotty?
57
00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:07,392
Honestly,
I'd rather not do either.
58
00:02:07,394 --> 00:02:09,094
Hey,
my record is not spotty.
59
00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:11,497
And I'm, like,
the best ever at love.
60
00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:12,131
Yeah, not so much.
61
00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:14,399
And when you think about it,
you've only had one boyfriend,
62
00:02:14,401 --> 00:02:15,400
and that was
two years ago.
63
00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:17,736
Right, Dante.
What a character.
64
00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:19,138
His name wasn't Dante.
65
00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:19,938
He had that small hand.
66
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:23,575
Who are you thinking of?
And I'm alone by choice.
67
00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:24,042
Ha! Please.
68
00:02:24,044 --> 00:02:26,912
You only liked Geoff
after he wanted nothing
to do with you.
69
00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:29,548
Oh, yeah?
Well, I'll show you
friggin' jerkuses
70
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:31,283
how friggin' great
I am at friggin' love
71
00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:33,085
when your dad's walking down
the friggin' aisle.
72
00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:37,022
See, you don't even know
that men don't walk down
the aisle!
73
00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:38,991
Gah! Bill, get out
of your bath clothes!
74
00:02:38,993 --> 00:02:41,426
I'm finding you love again.
Okay.
75
00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:42,194
Oh! My bad!
76
00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:44,730
(GRUNTS) I'll get...
Ohh, my back!
77
00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:46,365
Don't worry, pal.
I gotcha.
78
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,767
No, no, Bruce Lee style.
Hyah!
79
00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:49,301
Hyah! Hoo-hyah!
80
00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:51,136
Beverly,
I'm gonna need a warm towel.
81
00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:54,173
Oh, it's traveling!
It's moving south! Aah!
82
00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:54,973
Good luck, Schmoops.
83
00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:58,810
Get the small boy.
Have the small boy
stand on me.
84
00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:15,027
ADULT ADAM: It was
September 28, 1980-something,
85
00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:17,629
the day of
the career aptitude test.
86
00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:19,998
Done! Now all I got to do
is sit back
87
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,534
and let this test
decide my entire future.
88
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,235
Got any predictions?
89
00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:24,770
It'll either make me
an NFL punter,
90
00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:27,372
motorcycle detective,
or land pirate.
91
00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:30,409
Bookkeeper? I don't want
to be a librarian!
92
00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:33,579
Bookkeeper's not a librarian,
you moron.
93
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:34,780
It's more like
an accountant.
94
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:37,182
Why didn't I get an awesome
job like boat owner
95
00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:39,017
or rap mogul
or neighborhood oracle?
96
00:03:39,019 --> 00:03:42,054
What the hell's an oracle?
A guy who sees the future.
97
00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:42,921
I can see your future.
98
00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:44,223
You're mowing lawns
for the city.
99
00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:46,658
Never! I will be
a rich neighborhood oracle,
100
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:48,560
and nothing you say
can stop me.
101
00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:49,595
(TOY SQUEAKS)
Ow!
102
00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:50,696
Couldn't predict that,
could you?
103
00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:53,165
ADULT ADAM: As Barry was
having trouble seeing
the future,
104
00:03:53,167 --> 00:03:56,034
Erica was trying to find Bill
his future wife.
105
00:03:56,036 --> 00:04:00,539
Trust me, Mr. Lewis,
your romantic future
starts now.
106
00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:03,875
And to my doubters,
you can go on down to Sears
107
00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:05,811
and buy a vacuum
so you can suck it.
108
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:08,180
Yes, Bill, there's
no better place to find love
109
00:04:08,182 --> 00:04:09,414
than next
to Lady Foot Locker.
110
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:13,352
Put her there, Bill.
John Calabasas, love doctor.
111
00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:14,353
No medical degree.
112
00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:15,954
I'm legally required
to say that now.
113
00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:17,322
Bill, I want to
show you something.
114
00:04:17,324 --> 00:04:21,159
This is a videotape of
one of our biggest
success stories,
115
00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:23,228
and this could be you.
116
00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:27,633
Why, hello, there.
The name's Big Al.
117
00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:31,436
And like a fine wine,
I just keep getting better
with age.
118
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:34,473
My God.
That's why he's been out
every night this month.
119
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:38,143
So... (CLICKS TONGUE)
Let's have some fun.
120
00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:40,746
Boom!
And that's how love is made.
121
00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:43,015
I don't know, Erica.
Maybe your mom's right
about all this.
122
00:04:43,017 --> 00:04:45,617
Your friend makes a good point
about me being right, Erica.
123
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,185
Yeah, normally,
I just go with the flow,
124
00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:48,353
but I'm starting
to take sides here, too.
125
00:04:48,355 --> 00:04:51,056
Everyone stop talking.
Trust me, Mr. Lewis.
126
00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:53,592
I know love and romance.
It's my jam.
127
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:54,793
So let's just
give it a shot.
128
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:57,829
And three, two, one,
get some!
129
00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:01,066
Hi. this is Bill Lewis of
Bill Lewis Flooring and Tile.
130
00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:02,968
I'm looking
for a nice, clean lady
131
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:05,470
to spend my days with.
132
00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:06,805
It used to be my wife.
133
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:09,041
Oh, no.
Man, she was pretty.
134
00:05:09,043 --> 00:05:09,641
Smelled nice.
135
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,877
Tight, little body
from all the Jane Fonda.
136
00:05:11,879 --> 00:05:14,446
Son of a bitch, Billy Boy!
You had it all!
137
00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:15,747
No.
Daddy?
138
00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:17,783
One day
she just walked out on me.
139
00:05:17,785 --> 00:05:21,586
All she left behind
was this single leg warmer.
140
00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:23,155
I wear it on my arm
to keep her close.
141
00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:24,556
Not good.
Hard to watch.
142
00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:27,592
Dang it,
I miss you so much, pookie!
143
00:05:27,594 --> 00:05:29,995
(SNIFFLES)
So, so much!
144
00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:32,130
Also, you must be stacked.
145
00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:33,165
I'm so, so sorry.
146
00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:35,067
Okay, cut. Great.
I think we got it.
147
00:05:35,069 --> 00:05:35,834
I don't think you did.
148
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:38,036
ADULT ADAM:
As Erica's matchmaking
was stalling out,
149
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:41,373
Barry's career planning
was just revving up.
150
00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:42,074
Corporate leader?
151
00:05:42,076 --> 00:05:44,943
I know, right?
Evy told me
what bubbles to fill in,
152
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:45,911
and now
I'm gonna be a CEO.
153
00:05:45,913 --> 00:05:47,279
She says
I'm a natural leader.
154
00:05:47,281 --> 00:05:48,513
Sit up straight.
Yes, my love.
155
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:51,717
BARRY: This is bull crap!
There's no practical job
that will ever meet
156
00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:54,219
Barry's three criteria
for career awesomeness.
157
00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:57,422
One, a position of
unchallenged authority.
158
00:05:57,424 --> 00:05:59,091
You're stretching all wrong,
Matt Raymer.
159
00:05:59,093 --> 00:06:01,360
I want you to drop
into a lunge right here.
160
00:06:01,362 --> 00:06:02,561
That's the quad.
Work the quad.
161
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:04,229
That is the engine room
of the body.
162
00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:06,231
Two...
No desk or formal pants.
163
00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:09,000
This is where games
are won or lost.
164
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,902
There you go.
What are you looking
at me for?
165
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:14,139
And three...
It requires athletic skill
166
00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:16,141
and physical intimidation.
167
00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:18,577
You call that a chest pass,
Luke Schmidt?
168
00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:20,445
Run laps
till you see God.
169
00:06:20,447 --> 00:06:22,414
Shake a leg.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
170
00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:23,448
ADULT ADAM:
In that moment,
171
00:06:23,450 --> 00:06:25,550
my brother finally knew
what his future would hold,
172
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:28,553
kickballs, tube socks,
and a shiny whistle.
173
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:31,022
Coach, I want to be
your athletic apprentice
174
00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:32,758
so that one day
I can take your place
175
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,893
when you climb that big rope
into the sky.
176
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:37,629
Ah, I see.
Goofing on old Coach, huh?
177
00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:38,697
Well, we'll see
who's laughing
178
00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:41,166
after you do
3,000 squat thrusts.
179
00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:42,768
No, I'm serious.
180
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:44,569
I want to teach gym, sir.
181
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:48,073
My God.
It's finally happening.
182
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:49,341
I'm gonna be a mentor.
183
00:06:49,343 --> 00:06:52,144
Are you crying?
My eyes are just celebrating.
184
00:06:52,146 --> 00:06:54,513
Here. Take this.
185
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:56,081
Training begins now!
186
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:56,748
(AIR BLOWS)
187
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:59,317
Damn it, I broke it!
Why do I have
such powerful lungs?
188
00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:00,886
No,
it's a training whistle.
189
00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:03,688
You'll get the tiny,
little ball that
makes it work
190
00:07:03,690 --> 00:07:05,891
when you're ready.
When will that be?
191
00:07:05,893 --> 00:07:06,925
Coach will know.
192
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:10,729
Now let the physical
education education begin.
193
00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:13,799
First up, drink this mix
of celery and cod.
194
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,634
Glug hard, boy.
Glug hard.
195
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:18,470
ADULT ADAM:
While Barry hit a home run
with his new career,
196
00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:20,739
Erica was striking out
at matchmaking.
197
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:23,141
Swing and a miss.
Bill struck out.
198
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,510
Not one response
to his video.
199
00:07:25,512 --> 00:07:26,211
How is that possible?
200
00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:28,580
Honestly, I've never seen
such a negative reaction,
201
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:31,650
and a lot of my
clients are just me in
different costumes.
202
00:07:31,652 --> 00:07:33,885
There has to be someone
for Bill.
203
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:36,288
This thing
guarantees a match.
204
00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:39,858
No, it says
it "Gurantees a match."
205
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:40,959
And that's not a real word,
206
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,627
so it's not a legally
binding contract.
207
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,763
Don't make me leave
empty-handed.
208
00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:47,299
Please,
I need to find someone.
209
00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:48,900
Erica?
210
00:07:49,403 --> 00:07:50,802
Oh, hi, guys.
What you doing?
211
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,438
Geoff put some charm jewelry
on layaway.
212
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:54,673
What are you doing?
213
00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:55,740
Are you video-dating?
214
00:07:55,742 --> 00:07:56,641
What?
No, no, no.
215
00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:59,678
I'm only here to help set up
my best friend's dad.
216
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:00,979
I know
when I say that out loud,
217
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:03,682
it doesn't sound great
or real, but it's both.
218
00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:08,453
Well, best of luck
with whatever this is.
219
00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:11,656
(JOHN SIGHS)
220
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,859
Gross.
Young love.
221
00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:16,962
Look, I need
to find Bill someone.
222
00:08:16,964 --> 00:08:18,630
It's how I'm gonna prove
that I'm good at this.
223
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:21,266
With the tape Bill made?
Not a chance.
224
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:23,034
Well, then I'll make
a better one.
225
00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:25,303
And I've got
just the person to help.
226
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:28,139
Nerd, I need you
to make an awesome video
for Lainey's dad.
227
00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:30,509
Holy balls!
My first professional
paid gig!
228
00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:33,445
I'm not paying you.
Still a professional gig,
though.
229
00:08:33,447 --> 00:08:35,547
It's really not.
I see it now.
230
00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:36,848
We open on a time portal
231
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:40,519
as Mr. Lewis' cold,
naked body spills
to the Earth.
232
00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:43,288
He rises from the smoke
like a Love Terminator.
233
00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:45,156
Yeah, no nudity
or time travel.
234
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:48,193
Just make Mr. Lewis
look cool, you know, macho.
235
00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:51,596
We're making a picture!
An Adam F. Goldberg joint.
236
00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:52,297
What's with the "F"?
237
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,599
There's another
Adam Goldberg at school.
238
00:08:54,601 --> 00:08:55,433
He's super-sensitive.
239
00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:57,302
I don't want to cause
any marketplace confusion.
240
00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:59,004
Don't worry about it.
No one cares about
either of you.
241
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:02,941
ADULT ADAM:
But I wasn't the only one
landing a gig
242
00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:04,776
in my chosen profession.
243
00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:05,510
(AIR BLOWS)
244
00:09:05,512 --> 00:09:08,480
That looks broke.
Let me fix that.
245
00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:11,516
Hey, I was practicing
my tooting skills.
246
00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:13,351
Coach said
the whistle is the foundation
247
00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:15,153
from which the gymnasium arts
were built.
248
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:16,721
You're just gonna sit here
and let him do this.
249
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:20,258
It was nice and quiet.
He said it was for school.
250
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,026
It is!
251
00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:23,328
I've finally decided
on a career path.
252
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,830
I'm gonna be
a P.E. teacher.
253
00:09:25,832 --> 00:09:26,364
Oh, my.
254
00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:28,800
Dad, you're right.
It's time I find my
place in society.
255
00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:31,870
And what could impact society
more than me teaching youth
256
00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:34,906
how to do light exercise
and parachute games?
257
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,909
I fully support you 100%.
258
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:38,643
Seriously? Dude!
259
00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:41,146
I thought you were gonna
stomp on this dream
like all the others.
260
00:09:41,148 --> 00:09:42,614
Nah, it's too good.
It is.
261
00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:44,649
In fact, I'm gonna go
grab some shut-eye.
262
00:09:44,651 --> 00:09:45,283
It's 6:30.
263
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:48,320
I'm waking up at dawn.
Me and Coach are going
on a 12-mile jog,
264
00:09:48,322 --> 00:09:50,422
then we're powering down
a classic English breakfast.
265
00:09:50,424 --> 00:09:52,757
Why?
He likes to start
each morning
266
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,259
with 5,000
to 6,000 calories,
267
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:55,994
bangers and mash,
kippers, kidneys,
268
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:58,897
boiled and fried potatoes,
black and white pudding,
269
00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:01,466
three kinds of meats.
His mom's British.
270
00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:02,200
Seems like a lot.
271
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,469
She's a handful,
but I like her. (CHUCKLES)
272
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:06,071
Anyway, off to bed.
273
00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:06,905
I don't understand, Mur.
274
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:11,242
Are you actually okay
with your son being
a gym coach?
275
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:12,010
Just like everything else,
276
00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:14,713
the kid will move on
to the next stupid
dream of his.
277
00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:15,714
And what if he doesn't?
278
00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:17,082
Believe me,
he ain't getting up
279
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:20,585
at 5:00 in the morning
to move his body.
We're golden.
280
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:23,288
Dig deep.
Imagine a jaguar's
chasing you.
281
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:24,022
Let's go.
282
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:27,425
I'm miserable, but happier
than I've ever been.
283
00:10:27,594 --> 00:10:29,327
Oh! (BLEEP)
284
00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:35,834
ADULT ADAM:
It was the day of the big
premiere of a dating video.
285
00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:37,636
But, hey,
it was still a premiere.
286
00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:40,338
Before I begin,
I have a few words to say.
287
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:44,209
Webster's Dictionary
defines "masterpiece" as...
288
00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:45,243
Press "play."
289
00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:46,277
Okay,
without further ado,
290
00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:53,284
I present to you Bill Lewis,
as requested,
a real macho man.
291
00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:12,671
Hi. I'm Bill Lewis.
292
00:11:12,673 --> 00:11:14,906
And I like to dance, get
sweaty, and have some fun.
293
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,175
I'm ship shape
and ready for love.
294
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,044
Hey,
let's build a relationship.
295
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,514
You have the right
to fall in love
296
00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:26,718
with Bill Lewis of
Bill Lewis Tile and Flooring.
297
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:27,686
Hey, what are you doing?
298
00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:29,287
Destroying this
and starting over.
299
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:33,324
But I gave you exactly what
you asked for, macho.
300
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:35,060
Your dad was
a shirtless cowboy,
301
00:11:35,062 --> 00:11:38,196
a sweaty cop,
a leather-clad biker.
302
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:38,763
Oh, I see it now.
303
00:11:38,765 --> 00:11:41,366
Erica, it's time
to hand me the reins.
304
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,568
This is the job
for the Yentadex.
305
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:44,636
What the hell is that?
306
00:11:44,638 --> 00:11:46,237
Every yenta has a Rolodex
307
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:49,274
filled with perfect matches
for everyone they know.
308
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:50,709
So buckle up, Bill.
309
00:11:50,711 --> 00:11:52,477
You're about to go on
the ride of your life.
310
00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:55,313
No, there will be no buckling.
I'm handling this.
311
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:58,149
Okay, I appreciate
everyone's help,
312
00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:00,418
but I'm shutting
this down. I'm just...
313
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:02,620
I'm not over my wife.
314
00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:05,390
We all get one true love,
and she was mine.
315
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:07,959
There is no way you only get
one soul mate in life
316
00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:09,728
because he's in love
with someone else,
317
00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,196
and then I'm gonna
be alone forever,
318
00:12:11,198 --> 00:12:14,132
and I'm not gonna let that
happen to you, Bill!
319
00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:18,002
Wow. She's a
passionate young lady.
320
00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:19,170
Got most
of her facts wrong,
321
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,573
but her heart's
in the right place.
322
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:24,142
Hey, guys,
I really need your help.
323
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:26,010
Each of you grab
a leg and push.
324
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:29,714
I ate nine bananas,
but I'm still cramping up
something nasty.
325
00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:31,616
Damn it,
you ate all my bananas?
326
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:33,685
I'm in real athletic pain!
327
00:12:33,687 --> 00:12:34,152
Sit, Al.
328
00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:37,255
Nobody is touching those legs
in those tiny shorts.
329
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:40,091
These are official
coaching bottoms.
330
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,826
Sure, they cinch up
the bathing-suit area,
331
00:12:41,828 --> 00:12:43,695
but Coach says
I'll eventually reach
332
00:12:43,697 --> 00:12:45,263
a healthy level
of crotchular numbness.
333
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,866
For the love of God,
take 'em off!
334
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,000
You'll never have kids.
335
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:51,169
Gym teachers
don't have kids.
336
00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:54,105
Their kids are
the students they teach.
337
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,874
All right,
enough with this gym crap.
338
00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:58,710
Sit down.
Clash of the Titans is on.
339
00:12:58,712 --> 00:13:00,678
They've got oracles.
You love oracles.
340
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:04,449
Eh, seers and wizards
don't fit into my new,
healthy lifestyle.
341
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:05,984
I'm gonna go blend up
a power shake.
342
00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:09,754
So much fiber.
The body really is
an amazing organ.
343
00:13:09,756 --> 00:13:11,823
One point, two points,
three points.
344
00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:14,025
(CHUCKLES)
Four points, Barry.
345
00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:16,127
What imaginary game
is he playing?
346
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:16,961
There's no way to know.
347
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:18,830
I mean, of all his
farkakte dreams,
348
00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:21,065
this is the one
he's going with.
349
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:22,167
This is a nightmare.
350
00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:23,601
Do something!
351
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:25,270
I will!
352
00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:27,472
Thanks for sitting down
with me, Rick.
353
00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,407
Anything for
my protege's old man.
354
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,476
In a way,
it's like we're married.
355
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,611
Yeah, that's
gonna make this easier.
356
00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:35,947
Uh, thing is, Barry's not
gonna be a gym teacher.
357
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:39,317
What's that now?
I think that Woody Allen
said it best.
358
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,753
(IMITATING WOODY ALLEN)
"Those that can't do, teach.
359
00:13:41,755 --> 00:13:45,056
"And those that can't teach,
teach gym."
360
00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:45,990
How dare you.
361
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:48,159
You call that
a Woody Allen impression?
362
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:51,696
(IMITATING WOODY ALLEN) This
is a Woody Allen impression.
363
00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:53,731
That's exactly
what I'm doing.
364
00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:56,301
You got to stammer
like...like this.
365
00:13:56,303 --> 00:13:57,168
Use your hands more.
366
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,370
(NORMAL VOICE)
Forget Woody!
Here's the deal...
367
00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:02,040
No more physical
education education!
368
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,374
(NORMAL VOICE)
Seems to me you're implying
369
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:05,643
that being a gym coach
isn't good enough.
370
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:08,746
No, I think
what you do is amazing.
371
00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:09,480
Just not for my son.
372
00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:10,982
You've seen your life.
You get it.
373
00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:14,252
Well, he may be your son,
but he's my gym son.
374
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:16,087
That's not a thing.
Oh, it is.
375
00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:17,155
There's no such thing.
376
00:14:17,157 --> 00:14:18,723
There's no greater bond
in the world
377
00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:21,559
than between a coach
and his boy protege.
378
00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:24,062
I think
except for the bond
379
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:26,064
between a dad
and his actual boy.
380
00:14:26,066 --> 00:14:27,665
Well, may the
best father win.
381
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,667
Well, that's me.
I'm his father.
382
00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:31,169
And I'm his coach-father.
383
00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:31,903
We're done here.
384
00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:34,072
ADULT ADAM: And so began
the war over Barry's future.
385
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:36,507
Meanwhile, my sister was
so shaken by Bill's words
386
00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:39,677
that she turned her
matchmaking skills on herself.
387
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:42,480
Hi. I'm Erica.
I'm not desperate or anything.
388
00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:44,782
I just want to make sure that
I don't miss my one chance
389
00:14:44,784 --> 00:14:47,085
to have a happy life
with Geoff.
390
00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:49,520
Can I start over?
391
00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:52,323
Webster defines "love" as...
Nope.
392
00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:53,091
(BLUBBERING)
393
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,760
Geoff, Geoff, Geoff, Geoff,
Geoff. Okay.
394
00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:57,061
I think I got it
out of my system,
395
00:14:57,063 --> 00:15:00,298
so let's Geoff
this one more time.
396
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,133
I mean,
look at this photo of Evy.
397
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:03,368
Are you freaking kidding me?
398
00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:04,435
(CRYING)
He's gonna be an eye doctor
399
00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:06,504
because he's gonna follow
in his dad's footsteps.
400
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:10,208
It's a safe career,
but we would have had
a beautiful home.
401
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:13,711
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be crying.
402
00:15:14,681 --> 00:15:16,314
This is bad.
403
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:17,348
I don't know
who this Geoff guy is,
404
00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:19,784
but I think
he may have dodged a bullet.
405
00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:22,487
All right,
ladies and actual ladies,
406
00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:25,790
it's time to pick captains
for today's game,
407
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:27,091
which would be...
408
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,093
It's your class, Coach.
Your call.
409
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:30,028
Not today.
410
00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:32,363
I want you to take
this little cork ball
411
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,832
and jam it into your whistle,
412
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:35,266
Coach.
413
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:38,202
Physical education
education just got real.
414
00:15:38,204 --> 00:15:40,872
You mean I'm ready?
Damn right you're ready.
415
00:15:40,874 --> 00:15:41,973
This is your class now.
416
00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:44,342
Today their fate
is in your hands.
417
00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:46,411
Name your game.
Anything?
418
00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:47,045
Even crab soccer?
419
00:15:47,047 --> 00:15:49,347
You can crab any sport
you like, son.
(ALL GASP)
420
00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:52,016
He who holds the whistle
makes the laws.
421
00:15:52,018 --> 00:15:53,818
You heard Coach Tasty.
422
00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:55,286
Crab formation now!
423
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:55,887
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
424
00:15:55,889 --> 00:15:58,923
ADULT ADAM: That day,
Barry invented crab hockey.
425
00:15:58,925 --> 00:16:00,792
As a gym coach,
he was a natural.
426
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:02,794
Show me some hustle!
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
427
00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:06,864
Second place is
the first place of losers.
428
00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:11,970
"Winning" spelled backwards
is "gninniw."
429
00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:15,206
It's never okay
to put butter on a donut!
430
00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:18,209
Champions are losers
who forgot to give up!
431
00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:23,848
Sweat is the body's tears
crying away the weakness!
432
00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:25,950
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
433
00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:30,388
It doesn't fit!
434
00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:31,255
This game doesn't make
any sense!
435
00:16:31,257 --> 00:16:33,157
Some things aren't meant
to be crabbed!
436
00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:36,828
Then run laps, Atkins!
Now!
437
00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:38,296
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
438
00:16:38,932 --> 00:16:39,530
How'd it feel, son?
439
00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:43,401
I'll never forget this moment,
Coach, as long as I live.
440
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:47,438
Hey, Bar, look what I got
for you at Spencer's Gifts.
441
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:48,806
Is that a crystal ball?
442
00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:51,676
Just like the real
professional oracles use.
443
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:54,078
That's what you want to be
when you grow up, isn't it?
444
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:57,348
It is!
See you around, Coach.
445
00:16:57,751 --> 00:16:59,584
What just happened?
Well, Coach...
446
00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:02,520
I'll put it in terms
you can understand. You lost.
447
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,188
But I gave him
a whistle ball.
448
00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:05,790
And I gave him
a better ball.
449
00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:07,825
Don't sweat it.
You'll find another gym son.
450
00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:12,096
No, for once, someone
really looked up to me...
451
00:17:12,098 --> 00:17:13,564
What I do, who I am.
452
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:16,768
And you took it away
with a trip to the toy store.
453
00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:20,338
I hope you feel good
about yourself.
454
00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:25,810
It hurts when you put
your tongue to it.
455
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:30,948
ADULT ADAM: Convinced
she was facing
a loveless life alone,
456
00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:35,153
my sister was desperate
to find out her future.
457
00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:36,054
Very desperate.
458
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:40,124
Hey, um,
gonna be honest here.
459
00:17:40,126 --> 00:17:41,159
I'm struggling real bad,
460
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:43,261
and I heard that Dad
bought you a crystal ball.
461
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:46,064
I've been expecting you,
my lost child.
462
00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:48,733
To be clear, I know this is
ridiculous and not real.
463
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,935
I just need to hear
something encouraging.
464
00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:53,771
I've been expecting you,
my lost child.
465
00:17:53,773 --> 00:17:56,808
Stop talking like that
and tell me I'll have
a boyfriend one day.
466
00:17:56,810 --> 00:17:58,943
I've been expecting you,
my lost child.
467
00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:01,446
I hate you.
Then take my hand...
468
00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:05,483
...and let's journey
into tomorrow and beyond.
469
00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:06,751
(SIGHS)
AL: Come on, Mur.
470
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:10,254
Are you sure
this is better than gym coach?
471
00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:14,659
From way downtown!
Bang!
472
00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:18,196
(SIGHS) I got
a hole in my heart.
473
00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:20,031
Hey.
474
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:21,632
Is everything okay
in here?
475
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:23,201
What do you care,
dream crusher?
476
00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:25,837
About the other day...
I feel bad.
477
00:18:25,839 --> 00:18:28,573
I shouldn't have said that
what you do isn't good enough.
478
00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:30,374
What do you feel bad for?
479
00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:31,142
Just telling the truth.
480
00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:34,011
Look, if Barry wants to have
a career like yours,
481
00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:35,113
I won't stand in the way.
482
00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:37,715
What about his new life
as a boy-witch?
483
00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,050
That's not gonna last.
484
00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:40,885
Hey, you were
the only one
485
00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,687
who made him take
his future seriously.
486
00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:46,457
Yeah, well, I guess
that's what a halfway
decent coach does.
487
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:49,827
More than a coach.
Gym dad.
488
00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:52,363
Damn you, Goldbergs.
489
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:56,534
(VOICE BREAKING)
You always know how to hit me
in my biggest muscle...
490
00:18:56,769 --> 00:18:58,436
My heart.
491
00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:01,005
(SIGHS) Although my...
492
00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:02,406
My biceps
are nuts, huh?
493
00:19:02,408 --> 00:19:05,877
ADULT ADAM: It wasn't
up to my dad to decide
Barry's future.
494
00:19:05,879 --> 00:19:09,347
But Erica was hoping
my mom knew hers.
495
00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:10,381
Wow.
496
00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:13,217
You swore you'd never look
in my Yentadex.
497
00:19:13,219 --> 00:19:14,752
You were right.
498
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:16,721
I'm, like,
really bad at love.
499
00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:18,756
Trust me. You're not.
500
00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:22,093
I just wish I didn't blow it
with Geoff.
501
00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:26,464
It really hurts, you know?
502
00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:29,600
(VOICE BREAKING)
It just... It hurts.
503
00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:37,642
But you'll find the right guy
when the timing is right.
504
00:19:40,446 --> 00:19:43,181
ADULT ADAM: That day,
my sister realized there
were no easy answers
505
00:19:43,183 --> 00:19:46,684
when it comes to who
you're supposed to be with.
506
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,754
Even though my mom
knew otherwise.
507
00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:52,023
ADULT ADAM:
Truth is when you're a kid,
508
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:53,991
the future is always
uncertain.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
509
00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,931
There's no crystal ball
that can give you the answer.
510
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:05,436
I thought you might want
this back.
511
00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:07,305
No, keep it.
512
00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:10,141
Maybe you need a hand putting
away those hockey sticks?
513
00:20:10,143 --> 00:20:13,544
Eh, you run along.
I got this.
514
00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:17,782
ADULT ADAM:
But with the right people in
your corner supporting you,
515
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:21,986
you'll always come out
a winner in the end.
516
00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:27,992
(BELL DINGS)
517
00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:35,233
(BELL DINGS)
518
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,768
(CHEERING)
519
00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:43,441
Mr. Lewis?
Hello!
520
00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:46,711
The sun's out.
Where's your day robe
and your overall bummer vibe?
521
00:20:46,713 --> 00:20:49,146
Well, I guess all this dating
talk got me thinking
522
00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:50,948
maybe I am ready
to give love another shot.
523
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:54,218
Well, unfortunately,
Mom's not here, and she
hides her Yentadex.
524
00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:57,355
But perhaps I can help.
Come, my child.
525
00:20:57,357 --> 00:21:00,124
I see a beautiful,
bubbly blonde.
526
00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:02,393
She loves shorts
and the beach.
527
00:21:02,395 --> 00:21:04,362
Oh, yeah,
I like where this is going.
528
00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:05,463
And she has a friend.
529
00:21:05,465 --> 00:21:07,932
There's two girls?
Yes, three is company.
530
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,033
Hot damn.
When do I get to meet 'em?
531
00:21:09,035 --> 00:21:11,602
All you got to do is
knock on their door.
532
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,170
I do?
They've been waiting for you.
533
00:21:13,172 --> 00:21:16,040
It's Three's Company, Bill.
It's a popular TV show.
534
00:21:16,042 --> 00:21:19,343
He forgets what he watches,
and he thinks it's the future.
535
00:21:19,345 --> 00:21:20,011
All right! Forget that!
536
00:21:20,013 --> 00:21:22,280
Let me clear my mind
and start over.
537
00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:23,748
I see you and a woman.
538
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:27,551
One of you is the boss.
But who is the boss?
539
00:21:27,553 --> 00:21:28,619
(GLASS BREAKS)
540
00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:30,955
I actually
saw that coming.