ADULT ADAM: Ah, the last week of school.
It's a truly magical feeling of impending freedom
as the entire student body unites in not giving a crap.
Even the teachers were checked out.
All right, stop your stretching.
We're gonna watch the movie Bloodsport.
Not that I'm complaining,
but isn't that, like, wildly inappropriate
and has nothing to do with gym class?
"Sports" are in the title. Leave me alone.
I got nothing left to give you kids!
You did this to me!
ADULT ADAM: But for all us eighth graders,
the last week of school meant one thing.
All right, boys and girls,
today begins Freshman Fear Week.
(STUDENTS GASP)
This is when upperclassmen
hunt down terrified incoming ninth graders
and throw them in the showers.
Did he say "hunt"? Balls!
No! I made it through middle school
without using those showers!
ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, school policy on cruel hazing traditions...
(CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah. ...tended to be a tad more lax.
I swear, one day, they'll realize
this whole practice is completely barbaric.
You will never live to see that day!
But you're my brother. You're supposed to protect me.
Opposite!
I've been training for this my whole life.
Every headlock, noogie, and wet willy
has led to this moment.
There has to be a way out of this.
There is, but it's not pretty.
Mama! Barry's gonna hurt me!
I'm here, schmoo.
He's gonna hunt me down
and throw me into the gross gym showers! No!
Yes! No!
And then he's gonna rip my shoes off
and make me touch the floor without flip-flops!
You're not athletic enough to get athlete's foot!
Help me! I'm just a boy!
(GASPS) I got you, baby.
Oh, God! No, I don't. (THUD)
¶ I'm twisted up inside
¶ But nonetheless I feel the need to say
¶ I don't know the future
¶ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶
ADULT ADAM: It was June 2, 1980-something,
the end of the school year,
a moment that would live in time forever.
Hey, guys.
Still looking for contributions for the time capsule.
So far, we've got one Hall & Oates poster,
put in by me.
I'm gonna put in a naked picture of myself
so I can look back and say, "Yeah, Naked Rob had it."
I'm gonna put myself in there.
Boom! Livin' in the future.
Dude, it's a time capsule, not a time machine.
Right?
You're funny
and have trouble making eye contact with girls.
I like it.
All except for the haircut and the posture, but I can fix that.
Thanks, I think? Hey, Erica!
Oh!
You want to sign my yearbook?
I saved you precious real estate right next to my face.
Fine.
Yeah, you know, if you need some more time with it,
you could just give it back to me.
Okay, you're done. "Have a summer."
Did you mean, like, "good summer" or...
Or "bitchin' summer" or... Or "sexy summer"?
Just "summer."
Do you think she meant it like "Have a summer"
or "Have a summer"?
Dude, you got to let this go.
Yeah, don't be such a Duckie. Such a what?
Duckie, the twerpy, lovesick best friend
who never gets Molly Ringwald.
That's you, bro.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Please!
If I'm anyone from Pretty in Pink,
it's feather-haired bad boy James Spader.
That is delusional. Get to know yourself, bro.
Geoffrey, Andrew, Robert, I need to speak to my child.
She's using our proper first names.
Move it. It's scary 'cause she said "Andrew."
What? I didn't even do anything!
Adam says you're gonna haze and humiliate him at school?
Oh, that. Yeah, that's happening.
Like heck it is!
You lay one finger on my baby...
You mean the pubescent monster standing next to you?
Take a look at him, Ma. He's all grown up now.
That is not the, uh...
No, that's not...
Is this true?
No! Look at me!
Actually, don't.
Uh, close your eyes and imagine me from last year.
Oh, my God! He's right.
My baby is going to high school.
No! Stop reeling at the passage of time!
Protect me!
Your voice!
I'm just now hearing it for the first time.
It's like the last gasp of an old helium balloon.
(SOFTLY) No.
Oh, yes.
I just broke Mom's spirit, so now I can shower you.
Get ready, bro.
Shhhhhh!
Why are you shushing me?
That's not a shush. That's a shower sound.
What are you talking about? This is a shower sound.
Kwwwwwwwhhhhh!
That's the ocean, bro. A shower sounds like this.
Shhhhhh!
You're making a fool out of yourself!
Listen to me. Listen.
Kwwwwaaahhhhhhh! Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(SNIFFING DEEPLY) Oh.
Hi. Hello.
Don't mind me. I'm just having some Bev time.
(SNIFFS)
Do you mind closing the door, please?
Mur? Your wife is sitting in the broom closet,
sniffing a baby blanket.
That's her thing. She sits in there
and sniffs them to remind her of when our children were babies
and not the worst.
And that doesn't bother you?
What do I know? I'm just the husband.
(SIGHS) Fine.
(SNIFFING DEEPLY)
(SIGHS)
That's good blankie.
Bevy, I know it's hard with Adam going into high school,
but you can't hide here in the closet forever.
(SIGHS) You're right.
Just... Just take this thing
and put it where I can never find it.
It's time to let go.
It doesn't appear like you are. I'm letting go.
I shouldn't have to struggle like this.
Set me free.
Al! Will you help me?
She's got superhuman strength!
Take it! I'm handing it over.
She's got the forearms of a tennis pro.
Take the blankie.
Put your back into it.
Cure me of my sickness.
ADULT ADAM: As my mom was losing her safety blanket,
my friends and I were living in danger.
Are you okay, Taz?
No, man! I'm so wet, I'm so cold.
They didn't even give me a towel.
If they can throw Taz Money in the showers,
there's no hope for us!
We just have to come up with a plan before the bell rings.
It's too late!
Shhh! Shhh!
DAVE KIM: Why is he shushing us?
No matter what happens, we go down together.
For sure.
(BELL RINGS) No!
Take him, not me!
ADULT ADAM: It was every man for himself.
We tried to escape,
but that day, we faced the greatest shower ambush
the eighth grade had ever seen!
DAVE KIM: No! Wait! No showers!
My turtlenecks shrink when they get wet!
Those next 10 seconds lasted an eternity
as my friends were picked off one by one.
TAZ: No!
They even got Taz Money, again!
No!
Next thing I knew,
I was facing off against my destiny.
Maybe it was panic. Maybe it was nerd rage.
Maybe it was the fact that my brother had been kicking my butt my whole life.
(SCREAMING) But right then,
I said, "No more."
(THUD)
What the (BLEEP)
Nice one, Goldfarb. Walk it off, Goldberg.
Ow. Ah...
(WHIMPERS)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
What did I just do?
You just became hot, freshman.
That was badass.
ADULT ADAM: In that one moment, I had done the impossible!
I became awesome!
Meanwhile, the school time capsule was a complete dud.
Seriously? This is why I had a sign-up sheet!
Why do I even bother?
GEOFF: New Kids on the B., huh?
You know, my nana says that I look like handsome renegade Donnie Wahlberg.
Oh, your Nana is so sweet, but wrong.
If you're any Donnie, you're Donny Osmond.
Clean and non-threatening.
I dig that.
Thanks?
ADULT ADAM: While our resident Duckie was still looking for love,
my mom was on a desperate hunt for a blankie.
What is this?
You look insane.
You haven't by chance seen a baby blanket,
uh, blue, soft, precious beyond measure,
you know, a standard blankie?
You mean that gross, blue rag
that smells like chickenpox and nightmare sweat?
You shut your face-mouth! But, yes, that's the one.
Okay, don't freak out,
but I took it.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
I wrapped it around a New Kids plate
and put it in a time capsule.
No! No, no, no, no, no!
That blankie is the only thing I have
to remember my favorite baby!
First of all, ouch.
But I think this is a good thing.
Your closet time is... How do I put it?
Sad and creepy.
This will force you to go cold turkey.
Or I just dig it up first thing in the morning! No.
Yes. No way.
All people will remember all summer
is my crazy mom digging up the school's front lawn.
Good idea. You be my lookout.
Don't even put that thought in your mind.
Too late. Look in my eyes, Erica.
It's locked in.
Come on, I need you.
If you do this, I promise, next year,
I will not go storming down to the school.
Seriously? My whole senior year
without my crazy mom roaming the hallways like a blond ghost?
That's what I'm promising.
We dig during first period,
while everyone is still half asleep in class.
Understand?
You have my word, boop.
You will not humiliate me more than normal.
¶ We're gonna dig to get the blankie
Okay, that's... That's enough.
¶ And I'm gonna sniff it 'cause it's so snuggly ¶
You have a serious problem.
ADULT ADAM: There were only two days left until summer,
and that meant one thing, nobody cared.
Okay, your calculus teacher called in sick.
Wish I'd have thought of it.
So we're gonna watch a math-based movie,
Cannonball Run II.
How is that a math movie?
"II." It's got a number in it, math.
BEVERLY: Psst. Snuggy.
(SIGHING) Oh.
Mr. Coach Mellor, can I go to the bathroom?
(WHISPERING) Hey,
why are you going to the bathroom with a shovel?
Oh, is this a lady thing?
No. I got to dig up the stupid time capsule.
Oh, no.
I'm boned.
I stashed a tape professing my love to Erica in that time capsule
so that our kids could hear it 30 years from now.
Nice move, Duckie.
I'm not Duckie! It's romantic.
I even serenade her with the power ballad
Heat of the Moment by Asia.
It's classic Duckie, bro. Yeah.
Aw, you're right! I got to get that tape back.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
How are you so good at this?
Jazzercise builds upper-body strength.
Stop! You can't dig that up!
You stop! We have one minute till the bell rings,
and then everyone will see us.
Ooh! There! I see shiny metal.
We're one scoop away. Wait, wait, wait!
I'll help so I can open it first!
Uh, aah! (CLANG)
Oh! Oh! (SCREAMING)
D... Don't worry!
I'll... I'll plug it with my body!
(SCREAMING)
Erica, save me!
Geoff!
My tummy's drowning!
Oh, my God!
BALL: Beverly Goldberg.
My office, now!
May I ask what this is regarding?
(GEOFF SCREAMING)
ADULT ADAM: As my mom and sister were flooding the front of the school,
Barry was drowning in embarrassment from my epic body slam.
Hey, man, how's your back?
A little sore, but I'm on the mend.
Thanks for asking.
That wasn't concern. That was ridicule.
Ha! You got flipped on your ass like a turtle.
(LAUGHS)
JTP, I need your counsel immediately.
Um, is it cool if we talk after school,
or later this summer?
Yeah, the thing is,
you got body-slammed by a middle schooler,
which makes you lower than a freshman now,
so we have to keep our distance.
You get it.
You guys can't blow me off. I'm your leader. JTP!
What the hell?
You're supposed to automatically repeat "JTP."
Has the entire school turned on me?
We need to talk.
Oh, God, you're breaking up with me.
No, of course not. Yet.
We just need to undo what happened. Right. Easy.
So, just lure Adam into a public space
and dispense a swift beatdown for all to see.
Done. Quick question.
Is there anything else I can do
that doesn't require me going near him? Why?
I'm, like... How would you put it?
Very afraid of him.
Adam, your nerdy brother,
who dives for cover when someone pops a balloon?
Correct.
This is a lot.
ADULT ADAM: As Barry was facing his cold, dark future,
my sister was feeling the heat.
Congrats. Your little stunt
broke the water line leading to the locker room.
You ruined both Freshman Fear Week
and a timeless tradition
started by the great William Penn himself,
who, after he founded this institution in 1689,
immediately threw a freshman into the showers!
(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, yeah, and, uh, there are some people
who are also very upset about their pet project.
Yes, I am upset.
Everything in the time capsule was completely ruined.
Yes!
Oh, everything except this one thing.
No!
We should throw that away just to be fair.
Oh, I think this is for you.
"For future wife Erica Schwartz. Love, your future hubby"?
Really, dude?
Aww. Awkward.
Geoff, for the millionth time, I don't like you that way,
not now, not in the future, not ever.
So I really am the Duckie.
The dork from Pretty in Pink?
Yes, that's a great example. That's exactly who you are.
I think Duckie's cute.
Thanks.
Okay, this conversation's gotten away from me.
Let's just wrap it up.
Both of you are suspended for the day.
Called your parents.
They're on their way to pick you up.
Message received. Come on, schmoo.
Buh-buh-buh-bip! I called your husband.
I'm suspending you from parenting for the day.
Nice try, but Murray won't care unless money's involved.
Here's the bill.
Are you kidding me? 600 bucks for a broken pipe?
Well, the headline here is, I saved Blankie.
(CHUCKLES)
Sure, it's lost its Adam smell, but I'll just recharge it.
You can't recharge a blanket.
Ho-ho! You bet I can!
I'll just sneak it into his pillowcase
or mix it in his hamper like a stew.
Don't do that. Don't make a hamper stew.
I just... I need the blanket.
Once they grow up, it's all I'll have.
Look, I know how hard this is for you.
I do.
They're more than my world, Murray.
They're my life.
If I'm not Mama, what am I?
Well, that's up to you.
ADULT ADAM: While my mom had to figure out her place in the world,
I was loving my new life as a cool kid.
ADAM: ¶ Gummi Bears
¶ Bouncing here and there and everywhere
¶ High adventure that's beyond compare
¶ They are the Gummi Bears ¶
Look at him sitting there, Pops,
acting like a badass street punk.
Adam? Correct.
With the cartoons and the gelatin candies?
He thinks he's bad? Well, I'll show him who's bad.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Why not?
'Cause I'm enjoying my leisure time.
If I stand up, you're gonna regret it.
I can't live this way!
You ruined my life by fighting back and winning!
Hey, I needed a win!
Do you realize how crappy this year has been for me?
I lost my girlfriend,
puberty was not kind to my body,
and I got pantsed on the pull-up bar,
undies and all!
And then you tried to kick me when I was down!
No! I was trying to help you!
By throwing me in the showers?
Yes, idiot!
Only the cool kids get hazed during Fear Week.
When I was your age, no one picked on me, and it sucked!
I didn't want it to suck for you, too!
I didn't know that.
Well, looks like next year is gonna be awesome,
for you, anyway.
ADULT ADAM: It had been a day
since I robbed Barry of his pride and dignity.
He was not taking it well.
Goodbye, nunchucks. I will need you no more.
Find a master who's not a wussbag.
Arigato, samurai sword.
This is not a place of honor. It's a place of shame.
What did you do to the boy?
He's trying to murder that garbage can.
ADAM: This isn't my fault.
Did Barry seriously think I'd be a nerdy little brother forever?
Actually, yes.
Look at me. I'm getting older and bigger.
Things change.
Well, no matter how big you get,
you're always gonna be Barry's little brother,
and that means a lot to him.
He sure doesn't act like it.
Trust me, he loves being your big brother.
It's a huge part of who he is,
and without that, he's just not the same.
Hey, Big Tasty, we need to talk.
Whatever! Just stay away!
Not that I'm scared of you,
but, please, don't put hands on me.
Come on, dude,
we both know the only reason I could body-slam you
was the summer solstice.
Summer what?
You know, the one day a year
when the moon is closest to the earth,
which means there's less gravity?
There is? Yes.
That's how a nerd like me suddenly had super strength.
It's science.
Science, you say? Like the kind with scientists?
Oh, sure!
With white lab coats and clipboards and safety goggles.
Beakers? Tons of beakers, yeah.
They hold them up the light and nod?
How else would they see the chemicals?
I knew there was no way that happened for real!
(CHUCKLES)
So the balance of power has been restored.
You can be you again.
It's not that easy!
The whole school witnessed this once-in-a-lifetime moment.
It can't be undone.
Actually, I think it can.
Okay! Not that complicated, people.
I call your name,
and then you go up and get the piece of paper.
But no showboating, no speeches,
and no doing the worm, Dave Kim.
I am onto you.
This is America, man.
BARRY: Mic check, one, two. One, two.
Mic check, one, two.
Checkity-check-check.
Stop checking and just talk before we get busted!
Attention, William Penn Academy!
Prepare to bear witness
to the most epic Fear Week Prank of all time.
Eighth graders, welcome to high school.
Go kick some ass.
I'm back, baby.
ADULT ADAM: That day,
I helped my brother repair his damaged rep
in one fell swoop.
No! This is my graduation turtleneck!
¶ One thing I said that I would never do (BELL RINGS)
Just like that, all memories
of my brother getting body-slammed
were completely washed away.
I'm not a freshman! I'm the principal, damn it!
It's not funny when it happens to you!
Dude, Goldberg just showered the whole eighth grade!
(LAUGHING) No way! Legendary!
Classic Tasty!
ADULT ADAM: Growing up, we all have
those magical moments etched in stone.
For Barry Norman Goldberg, his moment was now.
Middle school's over, losers!
Oh, my God, he's right! Middle school's over!
¶ And we would scream together songs unsung (CHEERING)
I think next year's gonna be pretty damn awesome.
I'm happy for you. For both of us.
I'll make sure of it.
But until then...
Wait. What are you...
¶ The heat of the moment ¶
(LAUGHING) Yeah!
JTP!
ALL: JTP!
¶ And now you find yourself in '82
BALL: I want all of you to go back to class!
All of you!
Let it happen, Earl.
This prank deserves our respect.
Let it happen.
ADULT ADAM: Turns out, Freshman Fear Week
was one of the best weeks of my life.
We not only survived the rite of passage,
we soared right through it.
GEOFF: (SINGING OFF-KEY) 'Cause it's the heat of the moment
¶ Heat of the moment ¶
Guys, you've got to hear this tape
that Geoff Schwartz made me.
He, like, rambles on about how special I am.
Such a dork.
Enough. What?
All year, you've been saying you don't like the guy.
That's 'cause I don't.
(SCOFFS) What?
But I don't. I don't like Geoff Schwartz.
ADULT ADAM: It's crazy how sometimes
your life can change in a flash
and all the things you were blind to or refuse to admit
are suddenly staring you right in the face.
Damn it, I like stupid Geoff Schwartz.
And just like that, everything suddenly falls into place...
Uh, Geoff, can we t...
Come on, sweetie, we got to get to Blockbuster.
...even if it's not the way you thought it would.
Hey, do you need something?
It's... Nothing.
¶ The heat of the moment showed in your eyes Uh, have a great summer.
Yeah, have a summer.
ADULT ADAM: Yeah, growing up is tough...
but no matter how hard it gets,
you can always look forward to the future.
¶ Heat of the moment How do I look?
Like my big boy. (CHUCKLES)
¶ Heat of the moment showed in your eyes ¶
My big man.
For me, I didn't know what life would bring.
And, sure, that was scary.
But for the first time, I wasn't so afraid.
Congratulations, graduating middle-school class of 198...
(FEEDBACK SQUEALS, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
It was the end of an era...
You're the cutest!
...and the start of a brand-new one...
Oh, just look at him.
We are gonna have so much fun in high school.
"We"? You know, you were right.
I do need a life outside the house,
and that is why I'm gonna get my teaching certificate.
What have you done, Murray?
ADULT ADAM: ...in more ways than one.
Oh, and I want this to be a surprise,
so don't tell the kids, okay?
Don't worry, we'll let you deliver that message.
That's the thing about our greatest memories.
Sure, we don't always remember
exactly who was there or how it happened.
All I remember was the blur of 1980-something,
and it was awesome.
Luck Tin Tin, save me! Luck Tin Tin, save me!
Luck Tin Tin, attack! (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
(CHEERS AND LAUGHTER)
Okay, as you know,
you've been mocking my changing voice for this entire year.
But now that I'm going to high school,
it's time for you to get out all your insults here and now
so we can bring this hurtful chapter to a close.
You sound like a harmonica in a dryer.
You sound like the child of Louis Armstrong
and Harvey Fierstein.
You sound like the Tin Man before he was oiled.
You sound like a witch gave a frog a voice.
Stop it! His voice is perfect.
He sounds like a beautiful angel...
...with an undescended testicle. (CHUCKLES)
I regret this.