ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, I was obsessed with space camp.
Yep, NASA had an actual summer program
where you got to live like an astronaut.
Hollywood even made a SpaceCamp movie
starring a young Joaquin Phoenix
and a goofy robot which captured the heart of the entire nation.
Shh!
No one is talking, dude.
Well, it captured my heart.
Wow! Wasn't that the most amazing movie you've ever seen?
Eh, a bunch of kids getting accidentally launched into space?
That's asking a lot of the audience.
It wasn't an accident.
A small boy befriends a robot
who gets a NASA computer to launch them into orbit.
It's based on a true story.
Yeah, you said the same thing about Mannequin
And Weekend at Bernie's.
Fine! I believe in the magic of movies!
Doesn't change the fact that I'm gonna go to the real space camp someday.
Well, if I were you, I'd go now, before it's too late.
What do you mean, "too late?"
We're in high school next year, bro.
Stuff like space camp doesn't exactly scream "cool."
No! You think?
Your dorkiness is becoming a tonnage issue,
so, yeah, I'd rein it in.
Then it's settled! This summer, I will live out my dream at space camp,
and nothing's gonna stop me.
Nothing except your dad, who will for sure stop you.
Oh, he'll try, but I got the ultimate weapon...
Showmanship.
You guys. (LAUGHS)
(STATIC) What the hell?
Jim J. Bullock was about to get sassy!
Jimmy J. Can wait! I've got an urgent presentation for you
that will for sure change your entire life.
Will it?
ADAM: Space... The final frontier. Or is it?
My name is Adam Frederick Goldberg,
and I have the right stuff.
Big-time! (LASER GUNFIRE)
Damn you, earthling hero!
I would have taken your precious moon
if it wasn't for one thing!
BOTH: Space camp!
(SWEEPING MUSIC PLAYS)
Commander Adam Goldberg,
you just saved the moon from an alien invasion.
How did you do it?
I learned it at...
Space camp!
(LAUGHS)
(BOOK CLATTERS)
That's right. Space Camp.
For the price of only 500 cups of coffee,
you can help your youngest son reach for the stars.
It's me, Adam Clayberg,
and my dream is to go on a real spaceship.
Look! Here's one now!
All aboard!
DISTORTED VOICE: Space Camp!
(MUSIC ENDS)
I know you're a busy man, so I took the liberty of filling out the check.
Wow.
Of all the moron things my moron kids have ever asked for,
this takes the cake. Dad, this is my dream!
You're literally asking me for a spaceship.
Don't twist my words!
I just want access to one.
The answer is "No." I'm not sending you to space.
And you! Stop encouraging him!
I have to be honest...
I don't know what any of this is.
I just like spending time with the boy.
¶ I'm twisted up inside
¶ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say
¶ I don't know the future
¶ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶
ADULT ADAM: It was Mother's Day 1980-something,
and my mother was awaiting her children's love
on her special day.
Something's wrong. I don't smell breakfast.
Except her children forgot.
It's me... your mother.
Ready to enjoy all the things that mothers get.
(CHUCKLES) You know.
Enough with the small talk. We need breakfast foods. I'm a growing boy.
I would love a nice fruit plate, but with no honeydew filler.
And don't let the pineapple touch the kiwi.
Yeah, I like that. Sounds good.
You should really be writing this down.
Fortunately, our house had one suck-up...
Oh! ...me.
What's this? You two finally dating? Ha!
Oh, boopie! That's so sweet!
Happy Mother's Day.
¶
Son of a bitch.
We are so boned.
What's wrong? Did...Did you guys forget
and I'm the only decent child in this family?
Shut your face-mouth! We have a gift.
It's a boat.
It's two boats.
It's not a boat, but it's way cooler and more expensive.
We just got to go wrap the awesome thing
that we bought you months and months ago.
We got to go to the toilet together.
You deserve better.
I really do.
¶
There she is, doing the hardest job in the world!
Bet you thought we forgot about your special day,
but we were just messing with you.
Gotcha, you clueless piece of crap!
Happy Mother's Day!
Oh, what do we have here?
Mom coupons.
Yep. Good for one free huggie.
Mine's for a snuggle wuggle.
All righty. Another great Mother's Day! Take care.
Uh, you do know the ink is still wet on these?
But it's the thought that counts.
You didn't have the thought.
And yet, it counts. You didn't think about me at all.
Kind of seems like a desperate, half-assed empty gesture to me.
Empty? You can totally cash those bad boys in any time you want.
Great. I'll cash them in right now.
Ooh... now's no good for me.
How about you save them for a special occasion,
like...next Mother's Day?
Or I can cash them all in today
and make this the greatest Mother's Day of my life.
What the... You kept all those?
Oh, yes.
Through the years, you've given me many coupons,
and I've been saving them all for a rainy day.
Guess what.
Storm's a-comin'.
Oh, yes.
Forget Mother's Day.
It was time for Smother's Day.
What...have we...done?
As Barry and Erica entered their worst nightmare,
I was still dreaming of Space Camp.
Ohhh! What is this we happened to stumble upon?
It's the Gyrotron 2000,
which simulates the tumble-spin upon a rocket's re-entry.
Kiddo, weren't you just talking about Space Camp?
What an amazing coincidence! Wait.
You said you needed sports shoes for the big athletic game.
And now that I hear myself say it, I'm an idiot!
The real reason I brought you here was to witness my dream.
I told you, no Outer Space Camp.
It's just "Space Camp"!
And once you see the joy on my face,
you won't be able to tell me "No."
Trust me. Your heart will melt.
Aah!
Ohh!
Oh, this isn't right!
We shouldn't be playing God!
That looks joyful.
My system! My delicate system!
(SCREAMS) My delicate system!
Sure, I ruined a pair of pants, but still had my passion.
If Mom asks, my old pants were stolen. Got it?
Okay, you gonna give up on all this space nonsense now?
No! Come on. Put yourself in my shoes.
Think back to when you were a kid...
you know, pushing a hoop with a stick
on the way to the old fishin' hole.
How old do you think I am?
Point is, you were a child once, with hopes and dreams,
just like me. We're the same.
Nope. Never had any dreams.
Every kid has dreams. Mm, I didn't.
Wait, you've always been like this?
I thought life broke you down.
Eh, even before that, I was like..."Myeh."
(SLURPS)
Can you believe him?
Look, don't be so hard on your dad.
It's how he was raised.
Pop-Pop convinced him that dreams were stupid.
That's it! I'll go ask Pop-Pop!
He'll know if Dad had any hopes and dreams.
Wait. You actually want to go talk to that bitter old bastard?
You're a braver man than I am.
For me, fear isn't an option.
Excuse me, sir. You left this bag in the dressing room.
Looks like your old pants?
It's not mine! It belongs to another small boy!
Go, go, go! Go, go!
It's been a minute. We're done.
Let me out of your grasp.
The coupon says "Spoonies with Mama."
It doesn't specify a time limit.
"One minute" was implied!
Well, you should have put that in the terms and restrictions.
I wrote that when I was six! The world was still new!
Well, why don't we change that attitude
with a "Full Day of Compliments"?
Dear God, why!
Oh, go on. Just tell me everything you love about me.
Your hair is yellow. (CHUCKLES)
You're always picking stuff up.
Mm.
And putting cheeses on meats and shrimps.
(CHUCKLES)
I don't know. Erica, help me out here.
I've got my own problems!
This is... (GAGS)
I can't... (GAGS)
This is my hell!
Okay, I'm finished. It's finally over.
Uh-uh-uh-uh. Not yet.
I'm gonna get the pumice stone
and let you go to town on my rough areas.
I've got a coupon good for whatever I want!
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, no. Why would you write that? Why?
I was 10! I wanted to go play!
I didn't know this day would come!
This is too much.
Last night, we went to an Italian restaurant,
and she made me "Lady and the Tramp" a piece of spaghetti.
That's nothing.
This morning, I gave her a back massage.
Her skin sucked up the lotion like a biscuit!
Yesterday, I held hands with her for an hour
as we walked around the park.
We looked like a lesbian couple where she makes the money!
While I'm having my heels shaved,
why don't we hear about Barry being a little teapot?
I'm not a little teapot! I'm a ripped one!
Uh, we're done. Mother's Day is officially over.
Sorry, boop. I've still got a huge stack of coupons left.
Doesn't matter, 'cause they all just expired.
(LAUGHING) Oh!
We both know there's not a coupon in the world
I can't make the manager honor.
Well, I am manager, and I reject your coupons.
Why do you get to be manager? This isn't fair.
There is no manager.
I demand co-manager, or I walk!
Whatever! Fine! We're co-managers!
And my first act as co-manager will be this.
I see.
So, you're not just ruining this Mother's Day.
You're taking every other one away, too.
I'm sorry, but we have no other choice.
Message received.
I apologize in advance for what comes next.
¶
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Uh, whatever this is, I don't want it or need it.
It's me... your grandson.
I know.
The boy just wanted to know
which of Murray's dreams you crushed when he was a child.
Oh! This could be fun. Come on in.
And that is why you never trust a Polynesian.
Yeah, I think we're getting off-topic.
Remember, I came here about my dad's childhood dreams.
Aw, that dummy never had any dreams.
Are you sure? Wait.
Come to think of it, that dummy had a dummy.
There's the dummy's dummy.
What the...
Dad wanted to be a ventriloquist?
He loved this stupid wooden piece of crap.
Luckily, I told him to stop being a jackass
and go out and get a job.
Stupid 9-year-old kid.
Whoa.
Can I have this, Pop-Pop?
No way! I use that in the carpool lane.
Come on, Ben. It'd mean a lot to Adam.
How much is a lot? $200?
Are you trying to shake down your own grandchild?
He looks like he eats good.
It's a small price to pay to give Dad his dream so I can get mine.
Fine. I'll take care of it.
That was a discount price for the kid.
For you, it's $300.
Well, that's fair.
Let me just reach in my wallet, and...
Go grab the doll and go.
Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Whoa! Whoa, whoa!
You're lucky I was too cheap to have hip surgery,
or I'd be running after ya!
It was the morning after Barry and Erica trashed their Mother's Day coupons.
My mom had yet to retaliate...
until now.
What the...
ERICA: What the...
My things!
Your things? What about my things?
Mom, come quick! We got robbed!
We need to get the FBI on this!
They took my hockey stick!
And...And some things from under my mattress!
Your things aren't stolen, schmoopers.
I just took them all back.
What are you saying right now?
You took away a lifetime of gifts from me.
It's only fair I do the same.
You can't do this!
I need my Samurai sword and my California Raisins
and my dancing cola friend!
They're what makes me me!
You mean this guy?
He dances for me now.
Shake it, cola man!
This is nuts.
Who takes revenge for something horrible done to them?
You know what? Keep our stuff!
I'm not giving in to your crazy demands
of respect and decent treatment!
And I can live without my special dancing cola friend
no problem. Just you watch!
That day, Erica and Barry weren't the only ones
refusing to back down.
Hey, Dad. I have an amazing...
Uhp, uhp! I'm watching the channel guide to see what's on at 8:00.
I already missed it once, and it's about to come 'round again.
This can't wait! It's that important!
Oh, damn it!
I missed it again!
This is the worst day of my life!
Well, it's about to get a lot better.
I don't know what that is.
Stop! I know all about the dummy.
Pop-Pop told me everything.
Fine! The dummy is mine. Are you happy?
I got that stupid thing when I was a kid.
But...why does it look like you now?
Now? That's how I looked.
Admit it! You had dreams, like every other kid in this world.
Come on. Put your hand in your old friend.
I will not put my hand in my friend.
Do it! Feel your dream again!
Why is this happening to me?
Put your hand right on in there!
Stop saying that!
Murray, what's the big deal?
Jam your fist up your old pal.
It'll feel nice.
I see what this is.
You're trying to prove I had dreams
to let you go on your stupid space trip.
Wha... Me? How dare you, sir!
Okay, everyone calm down.
Tell you what. I'll send him to Space Camp.
No way, Al! You're not sending him anywhere.
Understood.
I'm sending you.
Stop undermining me! I'm the father!
It's my job to keep his head
out of the clouds and down here on Earth!
Don't worry, buddy. I got your back.
No, you don't!
That, he hears.
I'd struck out again,
and while my mom had struck Barry and Erica's closets,
they protested by getting creative.
Morning. Mama made pancakes.
(CHUCKLES) For Lainey, not you.
Unfortunately, their protest didn't work.
Um, you sure you guys don't want to go upstairs and change?
You know, since you look like insane drifters?
This is the look of freedom.
Mom thinks she won by taking my stuff.
Well, I made my own dress,
like Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink.
Only, instead of a cute pink dress, it's a trash bag.
So convenient.
(SCOFFS)
(LAUGHS)
We are supposed to be on the same team! Do better!
I don't get it. Your mom's amazing.
Her pancakes have these crispy edges.
(SCOFFS) It gets old real quick.
You're not here. You don't know.
I'm actually around a lot.
I'm literally here right now.
Look, I know she can be intense,
but if you guys want your stuff back,
you got to step up in a big way.
And that meant one thing. shedding their garbage clothes
and performing a lame, half-assed love song.
(RAPPING) ¶ Mom, Mom, she is the bomb
¶ She puts the "Viet" up in the 'nam
¶ Mom makes me sammies full of salam
¶ "Mom" spelled backwards, it still spell "Mom"
¶ Other words like that are "racecar" and "noon"
¶ We don't need our things back, but we'd like 'em back soon ¶
Hit it!
¶ Mothers and daughters and mothers of daughters
¶ Mothers are mothers and mothers of daughters...¶
Blah, blah, blah. It's a work in progress.
But what do you think?
Fine. Fine?
Why aren't you attacking us with unwanted physical affection?
Yeah, and I reached into the depths of my soul
to write you that song.
You wrote that song for your father
when you wanted to go on a ski trip.
I did not...
know you knew about that.
Unbelievable.
I give you my everything 364 days a year.
Is it too much to ask
to have one day where you do something for me?
¶
And your lyrics are terrible.
As my mom gave up on Smother's Day,
I was going full throttle to get me some Space Camp.
Moron.
¶
Moron!
¶
Moron.
Not you, Lucky. You get cheese!
¶
Okay, I see what you're doing.
You're leaving Maury around
so I'll fall back in love with him
and change my mind.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Maury?
Yeah. Murray and Maury.
You named him Maury?
We were a twin act. I was the funny one.
Then embrace it.
I will not embrace it!
Let your dream come alive in your hands!
These hands will be part of no dream.
Just do it once. Let me meet Maury.
You want to meet Maury?
Fine! I want to meet Maury!
Meet Maury.
Hey, I'm Maury.
I'm a colossal waste of time,
just like a camp for spaceships,
which is even dumber than me.
Okay, you are incredibly gifted at that,
but also incredibly wrong about Space Camp.
Am I? 'Cause I'm pretty sure it's stupid as (BLEEP)
Hey! You're a master at your craft, but not cool!
Sorry. I can't control what he says. You know how it is.
If that's how you want to play it, let's dance.
Now he's a dancer, too.
Does this kid have any hobbies that don't suck?
Hey, Adam, is that putz your dad or a black cloud of despair?
You're not doing it right! I can see your mouth move.
Just 'cause you're dead inside doesn't mean Adam has to be!
When will you realize that life isn't all about
your "Space Wars" and your "Space Trek"?
And it's Star Wars and Star Trek!
Enough.
We're done talking about this. You're not going to space.
My God. Do you even hear yourself?
You're just as bad as Pop-Pop.
He crushed all your dreams, and now you're crushing mine.
I am nothing like him.
Have I ever left you hungry?
Did you ever have to walk home five 5 miles in the rain from school?
Have you ever cried yourself to sleep
because you didn't know if I was coming home or not?
Dad, I didn't know that.
Well, there's a lot you don't know.
¶
My mom had given up on her perfect Smother's Day,
but for Barry and Erica, it had just begun.
Good morning, Mamacita. Geez!
You can fold my socks later.
We got something special to show you.
Guys, it's fine.
Mother's Day over. Let's just move on.
Actually, it's just getting started.
This is your real Mother's Day, and it starts with
the most delicious breakfast you've ever... Holy hell!
BARRY: Aah! Things are burning!
Oh, dear God! What have we done!
Look away! We'll fix this!
Panic is sweeping my body! (SCREAMS)
Idiot! What did you put in the dishwasher?
I don't know! Some kind of liquid soap!
(WHITNEY HOUSTON'S GREATEST LOVE OF ALL PLAYS)
¶ I believe the children are our future
¶ Teach them well and let them lead the way (SMOKE DETECTOR BEEPING)
¶ Show them all the beauty they possess inside
¶ Give them a sense of pride
¶ Remind us how we used to be
¶ Everybody's searching for a hero
¶ People need someone to look up to
¶ I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
In that moment, my mother saw
through the smoke, foam, flames, and fighting
and truly saw her children loved her more than anything.
Sure, our Mother's Day wasn't pretty, but it was us.
¶ I decided long ago... ¶
Mom, we're so sorry.
Yeah, we suck.
Not only did we ruin your Mother's Day,
but we ruined the attempt to make it up to you.
Are you kidding me?
This right here?
It's everything.
But we destroyed your favorite place in the world. The kitchen!
What?
Honestly, all I wanted
was to know you cared enough to try,
and you did try...
(LAUGHING) ...so, so hard.
That, we did.
Okay. This one's free.
No coupons necessary.
¶ ...love of all ¶
Eh... Adam stole this from you.
I never understood why you spent your money on this stupid thing.
You know, I was just a kid.
No, you were a moron.
You're lucky I was around to set your straight.
You know, you could have been a lot nicer to me back then.
I was your dad. I was doing my job.
That day, Murray Goldberg learned
what it really meant to be a good father.
I did the best I could, you know?
Sure.
Thanks to Pop-Pop,
my dad realized the best he could do
was give us the chance to soar for the skies.
And for me, that meant one thing.
¶ I decided long ago
Plane ticket?
¶ Never to walk in anyone's shadow
Wait. Is this for Space Camp? Seriously?
Yeah, I don't get it, but I don't want to be the one
who stands in the way of your dreams.
¶ ...I believe
¶ No matter what they take from me ¶
Hey, Dad.
Yeah?
¶ ...my dignity
It was always hard for my father to say "I love you."
But in the end, all that mattered was how he showed it.
And thanks to Barry and Erica's messy Smother's Day,
my mom learned that their love for her
was as big as the universe.
And they connect right there to make the Big Dipper. See it?
¶ ...to a lonely place
No.
We'll get there.
That's what it means to be a family.
Sure, you occasionally act like a dummy,
but in the end,
you always help each other reach for the stars.
¶
ADAM: Look! It's the Space Shuttle!
Wow!
Yo! Want a ride?
Liftoff! (BOY MIMICS BEEPING)
DISTORTED VOICE: Space Camp!
That's the machine that defeated your pants?
I will dominate it!
That thing is merciless, Bar. It's not worth it.
No, no. Let him go.
It's Gyro time.
Ohh! Whoa!
Stop it!
Something's happening to my body!
I should not have had that milkshake!
Here's 10 bucks to keep it going until he passes out.
I'm unconscious!
I'm completely unconscious!
(YELLS)