ADULT ADAM: The '80s had a lot of pop trends,
and my sister was into all of them.
It all began with New Kids On The Block.
Danny, Donnie, Joe, Jon, Jordan.
Most of these trends lasted only a week or so,
some even shorter.
Hey. Girls just want to have fun, am I right?
(GIGGLES) And it's over.
In fact, the styles changed so fast
that at school it was nearly impossible to keep up,
especially for Geoff Schwartz.
'Sup, Erica?
Really feeling the flock today, am I right?
Ugh. Flock of Seagulls is so last week, Geoff.
We're all about Debbie Gibson now.
But I used an entire jar of honey for this.
(BEES BUZZING) I've been fighting off bees all morning.
I told you. I'm not gonna date you
just 'cause we love the same music.
Yeah, bro. If anything,
you should hate her guts for the crap she listens to.
Whoa, I'm sorry.
Do you have a problem, Johnny Atkins?
My problem is your music sucks.
Big mistake, bro.
Yo, back me up, JTP. That's a polite pass, bro.
Your hair suggests you don't know what you're doing with your life.
Well, you dodged a bullet, homeboy.
For your sake, back off my girl.
Not your girl. I love you, Erica!
You will be! You guys need to get a clue.
There's only one band on the planet that matters.
Rush. Here we go.
Not again. Rush sucks.
I hate you. Ugh.
They're not the canned garbage that you listen to.
They're real. They're from Canada.
It's super-cold, so they have to rock super-hard to stay warm.
I'll take your word for it.
Why take my word for it
when you can come to my Corolla and find out for yourself?
Unless you're afraid.
Of being alone with you in your rusted-out piece of crap?
For sure.
Hey. Johnny Atkins respects women.
He has bad hair days, too.
Not many, though.
You ready to step into the musical cocoon
and emerge a rock-'n'-roll butterfly?
Just play it so I can be proven right.
(RUSH'S TOM SAWYER PLAYS)
In that moment, my sister's mind unlocked...
as she was ushered into a world of prog rock.
¶ Today's Tom Sawyer
¶ Mean, mean pride ¶
¶
It was an instant attraction
in more ways than one. (CHUCKLES)
I don't even know what's happening right now.
Oh, my... This is a terrible mistake.
One you'll make again. Don't tell anyone.
I can promise that I won't.
But I definitely will.
There's one thing you should know about me.
I'm painfully honest.
You're a fox, but you also wear too much makeup like a clown.
See?
(KNOCK ON WINDOW)
Knock it off, you two. You're on school grounds.
And you're in my parking spot.
The window's rolled down so I know you can hear me.
Hello. Cut it out.
¶ I'm twisted up inside
¶ But nonetheless I feel the need to say
¶ I don't know the future
¶ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶
It was April 1980-something, the morning of my birthday.
And that meant one thing.
Gah! There's my little birthday schmoops!
All I want for my birthday is for you to not call me schmoops.
Aww, you're cute.
So, look, I know how much you like big Hollywood directors,
like Steven Lucas and George Spielberger,
so I special-ordered you this.
Don't hurt your little arms. It's heavy.
My own Oscar?
"Best Son". (LAUGHS) Read it!
Yes, you are! And that is gonna go great
with the big Hollywood-themed birthday party I'm throwing you.
(LAUGHS) Speech!
(GROANS) For once, can't I plan my own birthday?
What is this? What?
(GASPS) "Best Son"?
You gave Adam a golden trophy?
That squeaky-voiced turd?
Honey, it's not what you think.
Oh, I think this is exactly what I think.
This tiny golden man
is non-living proof of what I've always known.
Adam's your favorite. (TROPHY THUDS)
That is not true!
I love all my kids equally.
I don't have a "Best Son" trophy.
The only things you ever gotten me
are expensive gifts from the store.
Take it. This trophy represents
everything that's wrong with my life in this house.
No. I want my own trophy
'cause I'm better than Adam at everything.
Can he soothe animals with just some peanut butter and a smile?
Can he eat an entire apple in just two bites?
Hmm? Give me an apple right now.
(MOANS, GROANS)
(MUFFLED) Bad start. Give me another.
Don't waste my apples.
Look, I'm sorry you feel this way,
but there's nothing that'll convince me
that I play favorites.
See that? Adam's photo is twice the size of ours!
This is a misunderstanding.
The photo guy made it the wrong size,
and I couldn't return it.
Please. I've seen you return a dead goldfish, used ChapStick,
and a bathing suit Dad wore for 10 straight days in Puerto Rico.
That liner was destroyed. Destroyed.
I know the truth and so does he.
Just look at that smug little face lording it over me.
Adam! Where are you? You're so dead!
Oh, no. What have I done?
You've woken me up.
Barry thinks I got a bigger photo of Adam
'cause he's my favorite.
Every parent has a secret favorite. Mine's Erica.
You can't say that.
I don't have a favorite.
Beverly. Come on. Come on.
It's Adam, damn it.
(EXHALES) He's my cute little munchkin who sweats when he sleeps
and then I flip the pillow over to the cool side and...
(GIGGLES)
...he whispers, "Love you, Mama,"
and then I just want to gobble his delicious face!
Okay.
My God. Barry's right.
Well, starting now, he is gonna know what it's like
to be my number-one son.
Get back here! You will pay for what your picture did!
I was just reading a book!
This makes no sense!
As my mom was coming to terms
with who her favorite child was,
my sister had no doubts who her new favorite band was.
Wait. What is happening?
Why are you covering up Debbie G.?
'Cause I discovered something infinitely better...
Rush.
Holy crap.
You made out with Johnny Atkins.
You're a bad little girl.
How could you possibly know that?
Because he's the only other person I know
who's obsessed with that lame wizard band.
Also, he's telling everyone.
Oh, God, I knew I shouldn't have made out with him.
You don't actually like him, do you?
I don't know.
He's like a cocky band nerd,
but he's also honest and deep,
but he also has a ponytail.
It's so confusing.
I've dated the biggest jerks on the planet.
Trust me.
You need to end up with a nice guy like Barry.
Okay, please don't gag (GAGS)
when I mention your brother's name. (GAGS)
Why are you gagging?
I'm sorry, but her gaggy face is making me gag.
(GAGS) (GAGS)
(ALL THREE GAGGING)
(DOORBELL RINGS) (GAGS) Stop.
Yo. It's Johnny Atkins.
Yo. So?
So, Erica's expecting me.
Mind if I just pop upstairs, chill for a few?
Yes, very much.
All right. Then give her this flier.
Battle of the Bands this weekend.
Speed Up's gonna win top prize.
My Rush cover band. Speed Up?
Thinking Erica could join us
'cause our guitarist got arrested for selling...
Fudge. fudge.
So good, it's illegal.
Okay.
Well, are you gonna have her call, or...
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
I'm not letting Ponytail Johnson anywhere near my daughter.
Trying to keep them from each other is a classic mistake.
It'll only make her want him more.
Just like with you and Bev.
Please. You loved me.
No. I hated you real bad.
Thought you were a stubborn grump.
First night, I nicknamed you "El Lumpo."
'Cause you're a lump.
Yeah, yeah. I get it.
Really bad-mouthed you to everyone.
Backfired big-time,
so when you think about it, you're welcome.
This is hurtful.
Just leave it alone for a week
and it'll go away on its own.
Was someone at the door?
I'm not sure. Murray, did someone stop by?
No, he did not.
While my dad was ignoring Pops' advice,
my mom was about to turn all her attention to Barry.
(CLATTERING)
The heck is this?
Just a "Best Son" trophy for my real best son.
Here's the truth.
You are an amazing athlete with a ton of trophies.
I only gave Adam one for "Best Son"
so he wouldn't be jealous of your greatness.
See, this makes sense.
And to prove you really are the best son,
I'm gonna focus all my time and energy on you.
Just please don't say anything to Adam.
And hurt his feelings? I would never.
Sorry, sucka! Barry's number one.
The trophy's mine forever. Cool.
Hope you enjoyed your day as "Best Son"
'cause now, mom's only gonna focus on me.
Ha! Wait.
Did she really say that?
Absolutely. Oh, my God.
You literally are the best brother ever.
And the "Best Son."
My mother's rejection of me
is the most wonderful birthday gift I could ever get.
It's your birthday? From the bottom of my heart,
thank you, Barry Norman Goldberg.
(LAUGHS)
You're welcome.
I feel like you're trying to tell me something,
but I'm too excited to figure out what it is!
¶
Hello, Father.
Tell me something.
By chance does this "Battle of the Bands" flier
look at all familiar to you?
Just say what you're gonna say.
I saw Johnny Atkins at school today.
He told me you slammed the door in his face.
Oh, that.
Yeah, I only did that because he's a piece of (BLEEP)...
You get it. (SINGSONG) Gonna backfire.
How could you be so shallow and judgy?
You don't even know him.
(SINGSONG) Mistake.
I know he's a teenage boy
who associates with fudge dealers.
(SINGSONG) Here it comes.
Johnny's, like, super deep.
He introduced me to Rush,
he makes wax hands,
and he even wrote me a poem.
Please don't. I'll read it.
"Her eyes sparkle like the sun. Erica."
Don't bash the poem.
I hate that poem.
And I hate that boy.
You are not going out with him.
What? You can't tell me who to date!
And yet, I just did.
(SINGSONG) It's happening.
Will you stop singing ominous warnings? It's done!
(HUMS)
But, of course, it had only begun.
(TOM SAWYER PLAYS)
Hey. Erica.
(MUSIC STOPS) What'd I say?
You said no going out,
which is exactly why we're staying in.
That's not in the spirit of our agreement and you know it.
Yo. Dad-bro.
Can you close the door?
You're letting all the good vibes out.
Shut up, Ponytail Johnson!
I joined Johnny's band,
so we're gonna be practicing here a lot.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
(GARAGE DOOR WHIRRING) No, I won't excuse you!
What the hell!
Don't do that!
Do not kiss him!
It's my garage!
You hear me? That's my garage!
It was only the first day of Barry being the number-one son
and I was already reaping the benefits.
Schmoopaloo, Mama has some truly tragic news.
Barry's hockey game this weekend
is at the exact same time as your party.
You're... You're not gonna be there?
(SIGHS) Of course we'll rush right back,
but as far as the planning goes and everything...
I'll plan it myself. You don't have to worry about anything.
Okay. Headed to practice.
Not yet. Come and eat this chili I made you.
No, I'm not gonna eat a bowl of chili before I play.
It'll slow me down!
Nonsense. It'll give you strength.
It's Mama's special power chili.
I don't want it.
It's loaded with meat and beans.
I don't want it.
It's Mama's special power chili.
I'm not gonna eat your special power chili.
Look at the meat and beans.
I see the meat and beans.
I just don't want to eat the meat and beans.
Eat the damn meat and beans, get some power,
then wash it down with some bone-strengthening buttermilk.
No milk and no chili. I have to skate for three hours!
That's why you need the buttermilk.
It coats the mouth and belly from all the power-giving chili.
(GROANS) No. There you go.
It's so beany and meaty.
Feel the beefy power.
My tongue can't fight the beefiness.
Shh. Mama knows.
Now you're ready.
Just go make a boom-boom and I'll take you.
But I just have practice.
Oh, I'm going to every practice.
In fact, I made these
deviled energy eggs for the ride.
What just happened?
You're her favorite.
Enjoy. (CHUCKLES)
You got a little something on your...
Ah, never mind.
As Barry was surprised by what came with being "Best Son,"
my dad gave Erica a shock of her own.
MURRAY: What do you know?
All of your closest friends, classmates,
and your teacher here in our den.
Hey there, Erica.
Why is my guidance counselor
wearing shorts in my living room?
Please have a seat.
Last thing I'm gonna do is be negative about Ponytail Johnson,
but, hoo-hoo! They sure will.
The guy's a total tool bag, Erica.
See? I didn't say it. Your best friend Lacey did.
Lainey. Is this a friggin' joke?
His face is a joke.
And his poetry is awful.
And the dude only wears Rush shirts.
Yeah, it's like, try a polo, bro.
Or a V-neck. I mean, what's his deal?
What's he hiding? Shut up, JTP!
My love life is none of your business.
And you! Why are you even here? You're a teacher.
I'm here to guide you away from dating Atkins.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's an adult man
living amongst the student body as an undercover cop.
Like 21 Jump Street? Mmm-hmm.
That makes sense to me.
You completely ambushed me.
I can't believe you.
Not me.
Your friends, your teacher,
and that excitable boy who so clearly loves you.
Who is it? I'll fight him.
Well, I don't care what any of you think.
In fact, if I'm getting rid of anybody, it's you guys.
Yeah, not buying it. Well, you better buy
'cause I choose Johnny over all you ass-clowns.
No, you don't. I love the guy.
You're stubborn and digging in.
We'll see who's stubborn when I marry him
and don't invite any of you to the wedding.
(FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING)
So, I was promised pizza.
Where are we on that?
Also, can we add some wings?
I just find that they make any situation better.
Eating with your hands is fun.
Out.
Yep, my steadfast sister was doubling down on love
while my brother wasn't sure
how much more love he could take.
Hey! Ad Rock! (CHUCKLES)
How about a thirst-quenching Ecto Cooler
for the birthday boy, huh?
I'm not taking Mom back.
Pfft! What?
No.
But now that you bring it up,
don't you think Mom would be a killer party planner?
I got that covered.
Check this out.
The hell is this crap?
The single greatest party in eighth-grade history.
It's an overwhelming feast for the senses,
and I have you to thank for it.
Please?
My stomach can't take any more
of that chili meat and buttery milk.
You got to take Mom back.
Never! From this point on,
you're gonna be her delicious snuggle monster,
and I'm gonna be left all alone.
Don't you dare say that!
And this isn't just for this week.
This will stretch months, years, decades,
until she moves in with you.
How can you be so cruel?
This is what you asked for, pal.
You brought Mom's love on yourself.
I hope no one comes to your ridiculous, awesome party!
(CLATTERING)
I have that all in my Trapper Keeper.
Barry was miserable being the new number-one son.
Meanwhile, Erica's band
was making my dad even more miserable.
This is crazy.
He's been playing the drums for over an hour.
You've brought this upon yourself, Murr.
It should have worked. I didn't say a word to the girl.
Instead of telling her yourself,
you had everyone else in her life gang up on her.
You took a love forbidden by her father
and made it forbidden by the world.
Oh, damn it. It sounds romantic.
¶ Love ninja Nunchucked my life apart ¶
(DRUMSTICKS CLATTER)
Wow. That's really good. You wrote that?
Yeah. And I never would have thought
to put a 10-minute drum solo in the middle.
I just Rush'd it up.
We're actually really good.
And, like, we're actually pretty good, too.
Oh, boy. Here we go.
Yo. It's gonna be one of those.
I told you.
Johnny Atkins doesn't put labels on things.
The thing is, I kind of went out on a limb
and told everyone that
even though they think you're human trash,
I'll be with you forever,
so, yeah, kind of locked into this.
You love me. I get it.
Johnny Atkins is a roller coaster that only goes up.
Oh, God, no. I mean, you've for sure grown on me, but yuck.
So you're saying the roller coaster goes down?
No. I definitely think
we should take things to the next level,
even though I'm kind of like, "Ehhh."
This is rocking my world and not in a good way.
Look on the bright side.
One day we'll get married so I can prove a point,
and that's not nothing, fella.
(DOOR CLOSES) Wait. What about practice?
Battle of the Bands is this weekend.
For me. You're out.
Mostly 'cause what you said sucked.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
¶
It was the day before my birthday party,
and I was discovering that planning it without my mom
was a lot harder than I thought.
I don't care if it'll get the other kids sick.
I promised drinks with fog!
Why would a clown need to see a picture of me
before he agrees to come?
You can't make me a camera cake?
You advertise specialty cakes!
Oh, you're a fraud!
This is a disaster, man!
You want to talk disaster?
I've eaten so much power chili my body has adapted.
It's starting to crave it like water or air.
My party's tomorrow and the vendors are impossible.
I'm a boy. I can't plan the hugest party ever!
Mom could have done it easily.
Too bad she's busy ruining my life.
I need her.
Say it again!
Say it! I take it back.
Adam needs you!
Focus on him and not me.
What? What's wrong?
He misses being your little schmoopaloo.
I admit it. He's the best son.
Take him back.
Aww. You really miss your mama?
Okay, fine. I do.
I miss you getting me everything I ever wanted
through fear, intimidation, and remorseless perseverance.
That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Come to Mama.
But I still feel awful.
I just can't live with the idea
that you think I love Adam more than you.
No. Adam's your baby.
Always will be.
And, man, I am more than okay with that.
Okay, so party's tomorrow. What exactly do you need?
Everything. Everything?
Don't panic. Give me a phone book.
Mama's got to see a man about a mini horse.
As my mom set out to save the party of the year,
my dad realized he needed to save Erica
from throwing away something she loved.
Can we talk?
Like, just you and me,
or is everyone who matters in my life
standing outside the door?
I messed up.
I, uh, wanted to be better
than all those other crazy dads and protect you,
but I only made things way worse.
It's just...
It's not easy seeing
my peanut all grown up and dating guys.
Well, I guess we both got carried away.
I mean, I was ready to stay with some dude
just to prove you wrong. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
And the worst part?
I'm really gonna miss being in that cover band.
Just because you broke up with the guy...
doesn't mean you got to break up with the band.
Battle of the Bands. Who's in?
Me. I'll literally do whatever you want.
Not you.
I want to form a Rush cover band, just the girls.
Dude, does it have to be Rush?
Answer after you listen.
(TOM SAWYER PLAYS)
BOTH: Whoa.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
¶ A modern-day warrior
¶ Mean, mean stride
¶ Today's Tom Sawyer
¶ Mean, mean pride
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I love you, Erica!
Okay, everybody! Party faces right now!
And 3, 2, 1!
¶ Though his mind is not for rent
ALL: Happy birthday!
And so began the most epic
middle-school party of all time.
¶ Riding out the day's events Hell yeah!
¶ The river
Whoa!
(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK)
¶ What you say About his company
¶ Is what you say about society
¶ Catch the mist, catch the myth
¶ Catch the mystery, catch the drift
Cue the mini horse.
(CHEERING)
(HORSE WHINNIES)
Mini horse!
In mini sneakers! ¶ The world is
¶ Love and life are deep
¶ Maybe as his eyes are wide
¶ Today's Tom Sawyer
¶ He gets high on you
¶ And the space he invades
¶ He gets by on you
(CHEERING)
(WHINNIES)
BOY: Awesome camera cake!
(CHEERING)
That fateful night, my sister realized she didn't need a boy
to achieve her rock-'n'-roll dreams,
and I realized I may not have been the best son,
but I definitely had the best mom.
(MOUTHING)
And obviously the best dance moves.
BEVERLY: Well, Adam hopes some day to make real movies,
like his idol, Steven Spielberg.
And maybe someday this will become a real one for you.
ADAM: I'd like to thank everybody.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
My family.
And my friends.
And... And everybody for making this possible.
Thanks for being there when I needed you.
(BELL DINGS)
(CHEERING)
(80'S ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
'Sup, Erica?
Want to go out to my Jetta
and listen to a little Exit...Stage Left?
Rush? That's, like, so last week.
We're into The Cure now.
Can you guys, like, clue me in a little next time?
This horsehair ponytail was expensive!
Whoa.
Are you me?
I've had way too much fudge today.