ADULT ADAM: Nothing feels more magical than first love.
As a kid, you fall so hard and feel so much,
it makes the first breakup that much more painful.
It had been months since Dana and I split,
and I decided it was time to move on.
Thankfully, my big bro was there to help.
Dude, what are you doing?
Feathering my hair like famed lady killer Robert Lowe.
No. Watch and learn.
Now that's what the ladies like.
It looks super wet but somehow it's dry and crispy.
ADULT ADAM: Even though I decided against the flammable helmet head,
I was starting to feel like I was back on my game.
And what do you know, girls were checking me out.
(CHUCKLES) A lot! Like, too much.
Almost as if they weren't even looking at me... Ah, damn it!
Stupid handsome Ben.
Can you walk somewhere else?
Sure thing, pal.
ADULT ADAM: Finding a new Dana was gonna be tough,
so I turned to my sister's poster gallery
of beloved '80s heartthrobs for inspiration.
Such kind eyes. Is that the trick?
ADULT ADAM: And then reality hit me.
What are you doing to my Donnie?
These bros get all the girls.
Now that Dana and I broke up,
I've got to learn their secrets.
Well, for starters, they don't have wonky voices,
and they don't cry at The Muppet Movie.
If Rainbow Connection doesn't move you to tears,
then you're not alive.
What happened?
(STUTTERS) It's like I'm totally invisible to girls.
At this rate, I'll never get another Dana.
Dude, getting girls is easy.
You don't know anything about girls.
All you need is a hook,
something that makes you stand out.
Yeah? And what's your hook?
Turtlenecks.
Sexy and comfortable.
Still upset about Dana, huh?
Lucky for you, I actually know a girl who's super into you.
Really? Mom, Adam's feeling unloved!
Wait, what?
Is my baby sad?
Well, look out, 'cause the cuddle coyote is stalking you!
Why? Stay out of my room.
I'm coming for snuggies. (SNORTING)
(GRUNTING)
(HOWLS)
¶ I'm twisted up inside
¶ But nonetheless I feel the need to say
¶ I don't know the future
¶ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶
ADULT ADAM: It was March 23, 1980-something
and Barry was planning for his future
by watching the ambassador of the wealthy, Robin Leach.
Hey.
Robin Leach was about to explain why I need a wine butler.
Too bad. You're supposed to be studying for the PSAT!
And I finished.
I did every practice exam in the whole book.
Oh, is that right? Explain this.
The correct answers just happened to form the Van Halen logo.
BEVERLY: And a dog? Woof.
A peace sign.
Pac-Man. I love that game.
And some hideous googly-eyed monster.
Well, that's actually you.
Well, I'm putting this on the fridge,
but I'm still enraged.
Let's just nip this conversation in the butt.
Tests just aren't for me.
ADULT ADAM: When it came to college, my dad did what he never did,
get involved.
Moron! (CLEARS THROAT)
You're gonna throw your whole life away like a moron, moron?
Wait!
Did you just actually abandon your chair and TV to get involved?
Look, you're gonna prepare for that test.
Your whole damn future depends on it.
Don't worry about my future.
Trust me, I have a million awesome options.
I don't want to hear your options.
NBA superstar power forward,
professional ninja, successful Eskimo,
a.k.a. success-kimo,
and as a fallback, billionaire entrepreneur.
Spell "entrepreneur."
"A"... Get in the car!
Hey, this isn't the zoo.
You're taking a PSAT prep course. Out!
Hello, and what educational stretches
are we looking to strengthen today?
Actually, I won't waste your time.
I'll just wait here and make small talk
until my dad circles around the block
to make sure I didn't bail.
After that, I'm out.
Are you sure that... Bup-bup!
He's taking a lap to check in on me,
and...
Suck it.
ADULT ADAM: As Barry was ditching the class,
I was facing the sad reality
that I'd never find a girl like Dana.
Poor kid.
He's been a wreck since he broke up with Dana.
I know. It breaks my heart to see him like this.
Past two years, all he's cared about is a girl.
But now I've got my snuggle muffin back.
Yeah, you really sound torn up about it.
I'm just saying it'll be nice
to finally spend some time with him again.
'Cause the fact is,
nothing heals a broken heart faster than mom time.
Did you say faster or weirder?
BEVERLY: Ooh! It's on. It's on.
Kiddo, come watch with us!
This is history in the making.
David Copperfield is gonna walk
through the Great Wall of China.
ADULT ADAM: Long before David Blaine,
we had the original rock star magician,
David Copperfield.
His mind-blowing tricks were truly event TV.
Levitating over the Grand Canyon is one thing,
but this is just plain crazy.
There is no magic in this world. Love is dead.
But I'll watch 'cause I'm so alone. Yay.
(FLATLINING)
Oh, no, he's flatlining!
Go back, David! It's not worth it!
Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Copperfield must be beside themselves!
You do know that walking through a solid wall
of ancient Chinese rocks is humanly...
Oh, balls!
Oh, you gave us quite a scare, you handsome bastard.
So handsome. Mmm-mmm.
ADULT ADAM: In that moment, I was put under the spell.
Miss Heather Thomas. (CROWD APPLAUDING)
ADULT ADAM: It wasn't just the trick that impressed me.
It was that Copperfield oozed cool.
Magic was the ultimate hook,
and with it, the ladies would fall under my spell.
EMMY: What the hell is this, dude?
Isn't it awesome? Magic's my big hook!
Was juggling already taken, nerd?
Trust me, there's one thing I know about women.
They love magic.
Watch and learn.
Yo, Lisa! You like flowers?
Yeah. Ta-da!
Gah! Wrong button. Give me a sec.
Why won't you stiffen?
Stiffen, damn it!
EMMY: Wow, good trick.
You made the girl completely disappear.
Um, are you the kid from the paper?
I... Oh, wow, yes. Me him paper.
Well, my mom wants to hire you
for my little brother's birthday party.
Um, you any good?
Good?
We're talking illusion, sleight of hand,
real Jedi mind-trick stuff.
Then this is the party you're looking for.
You understood my Star Wars reference?
Party's on Saturday.
And you should probably get a new picture for your ad.
You're a lot cuter in person.
ADULT ADAM: It was a miracle!
Or was it magic?
See that?
All thanks to magic, I just found my new Dana.
Do you think it'll be a problem
you don't actually know magic?
Oh, 100%.
ADULT ADAM: But I was going to learn,
which was something Barry was still resisting.
Dudes, where you been? I've been waiting a freakin' hour!
Why are you sitting in that thing?
'Cause I stole it from the food mart
so we could take turns smashing it into the Dumpsters. Duh.
Sorry, bro. PSAT study group ran late.
PSAT study group? For what?
Um, to, like, get into college and get jobs and stuff.
What are you talking about? You're Madman Schwartz.
You're gonna be a successful WWF villain hated by millions.
Naturally, but as a fallback,
I'll probably be an ophthalmologist like my dad,
Eyeman Schwartz. What?
Cogan, talk some sense into this lunatic.
Actually, I'm the one that gave him the idea.
I'm thinking about doing premed. That's not the dream.
You're gonna be a female body inspector.
Turns out, that's not a real job, just a hilarious t-shirt.
Okay, Naked Rob, my rock.
Please tell me you're still gonna be a steel drummer on a clothing-optional beach.
Well, I was thinking about getting my degree in musical engineering.
It'll require clothes, but at some point,
a boy's got to become a man.
What the hell happened to all our plans?
You're making me feel like all this time in the parking lot
smashing stuff was a complete waste of time!
Bar, all our plans were just big dreams. College is real life.
Real life is for sellouts.
I will never give up my dreams.
My dreams are what give me my dignity.
Dignity, I say!
Good day to you, gentlemen!
ADULT ADAM: As Barry was pushing himself towards a dim future,
I was entering a magical world...
With my mom.
I don't know, Squishy.
All these fancy tricks, they're just so pricy.
Can't I just get you something like this?
I think these are aces.
Come on. I need Copperfield-level stuff.
I get the appeal of Davey C.
(CHUCKLES) I do.
But this is too much.
ADULT ADAM: It was clear if I wanted her to fund my act,
I'd have to do some acting of my own.
I just figured magic could be fun for both of us.
What exactly are you saying?
You know, something we could share together.
I mean, there's no Dana.
Might as well hang out with my next best lady.
Okay, don't (BLEEP) with me here.
Are you talking about mom time?
Yeah, sure. Say it.
Whatever. Say the words. Say "mom time."
Do we have to call it that?
Yeah. Mom time.
(EXCLAIMS) So, can I get the good tricks?
Well, I guess every good magician
needs a beautiful assistant they can saw in half.
Or a hands-off producer who waits in the wings.
This is gonna be so much fun!
You can be the Amazing Adam, and I'll be the Amazing Beverly!
We can't both be amazing. Gah!
Hey! Does somebody work here?
We need all your best tricks for mom time!
Oh. Okay.
Also, uh, somebody set the birds free.
Oh, boy.
ADULT ADAM: After getting the best tricks in the shop,
I picked up magic really quick.
Unfortunately, I also picked up
a focus-stealing smother sidekick.
The Amazing Schmoopie, everybody.
No wires. (CHUCKLES)
(COUGHING) Oh! Honey.
(GASPS) Aah!
Oh!
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
Just an ordinary bottle of ketchup
that I bought at the supermarket and not at the magic shop.
Ta-da!
And for my next trick,
I'm gonna make a plate of cookies appear from scratch.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
Well, uh, what do you think?
Your act is actually decent.
Yes!
And every second of it is ruined by your mom.
Hey, Mama, can we talk?
We illusionists don't need to talk.
We just use ESP. (CHUCKLES)
You know, extra-schmoopery-perception.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) Good stuff.
You can't be my assistant for the party.
Say what now?
Turns out doing a magic act with your mother is super weird.
Well, it's no weirder than if we were tennis partners
or joined a dance competition together.
Truth is, the reason why I did this is to impress a girl.
But you just broke up with a girl. What about mom time?
Honestly, I kind of played that part of it up
so you'd buy me fancy tricks.
I guess all we can do now is move on.
Yeah, I don't think so.
I'm returning all your fancy tricks.
What? No! I looked at store policy.
Once the magic is unleashed, there's no returns.
You think a return policy has ever stopped me?
(LAUGHS)
Then go and return the magic.
I'll come up with my own David Copperfield grand illusion!
Fine! Well, enjoy your mom time...
Without your mom.
ADULT ADAM: Yep, my mom didn't take being left behind well.
And neither did Barry.
It's crazy.
I mean, my entire posse
is suddenly all about going to college?
What's wrong with them?
Chill.
They're just studying a few vocab words.
I'm sure your best friends will still end up nobody losers.
That's very nice of you to say, but they seem real serious.
Has it ever occurred to you
that perhaps you should get serious, too?
Barry's right.
Who says we have to, like, plan out our entire lives?
We're just kids, man.
Exactly. The future's now.
Can't just let some stupid test define who we are.
That's why I didn't even open up my test results
and see how I did.
That's how little I care.
Wait. You took the SAT?
But you always said that test was a joke.
Oh, it is. But you got to take it.
Give me that!
Oh, no! 1,280?
(SCREAMS) Lainey, that's unreal!
I did it! Why is this happening to me?
Oh, sweetie, I swear this doesn't change anything.
So you're still gonna be a background dancer on Club MTV?
Oh, hell no.
You beginning your bright future is a complete betrayal,
but you know what?
It doesn't matter, 'cause I'm still gonna be
a rapping-basketball- ninja-rapping entrepreneur.
And I totally believe in you, sweetie.
But yeah, maybe you should study for the test.
Traitor! You beautiful, smart traitor!
ADULT ADAM: While Barry couldn't believe Lainey's betrayal,
I was ready to believe in the impossible.
Hey, kiddo, how's the magic treating you?
Ah, Pops, good. We have so much to discuss.
I pored over every magic special made by Master Copperfield,
as he is the standard against which
all us magicians judge ourselves.
Uh-huh. Maybe we should turn the light on.
After staying up all night,
I finally figured out how he does it, all of it.
Flying over canyons, making Lady Liberty vanish,
walking through walls.
Ooh, this sounds juicy.
What is it? What's the secret?
(WHISPERS) Magic.
No, yeah, I get it.
A real magician can't reveal his tricks,
but how does he do it?
That's just it.
Real actual magic.
Yeah, I'm not following you.
There's no way a human being could actually accomplish
what this man could do.
Unless it's real.
Still not following you.
Follow this!
Magic is real.
You should probably get some sleep.
No time!
I've realized the key to legitimate sorcery
is to believe.
If you truly have the magic in your heart,
you can walk through any wall.
I don't think you can.
I shall traverse through solid matter
and appear on the other side of this wall.
Behold!
(THUD) Oh, my God!
Oh, no!
Magic isn't real!
That's what I'm trying to tell ya!
You're right. I can bounce back.
I just have to put together a new magic act
that'll entertain a bunch of kids.
Easy. Peasy.
You're a smart kid.
You'll pull it off for sure.
You can't let him go through with this.
He'll make a fool of himself in front of new Dana.
Well, he should've thought of that before he lied to me
about mom time and broke my heart.
The kid is boned, Bevy.
He's literally walking into walls.
(THUD) Ow! Damn it!
How does the gorgeous warlock do it?
ADULT ADAM: While my mom was realizing the effects of destroying my show,
Barry was about to put on a show of his own.
Greetings, and thank you for coming.
You may have wondered why I gathered you all here today.
Yes, I was wondering.
See, I was sitting here watching MacGyver,
and you assembled these morons around me.
First, I'd like you all to know that you're all the dearest
and most important people in my life.
And everything about you disgusts me
'cause you're all human garbage.
Appreciate the honesty. Can we go?
No. You may have given up your dreams
to become cogs in the machine.
But not me.
We discussed this.
You're studying and going to a good school.
Look, I speak for all of the JTP...
JTP. JTP.
...when I say that being a freelance ninja for hire
is a big reach.
I mean, you could study with us if you want.
Never! Forget ninja.
I'm getting real here.
Talking about my most sensible dream.
Billionaire entrepreneur!
You do realize that entrepreneurs
have actual business ideas and billionaires have billions?
Oh, I do and I will,
as soon as I present the world
with any one of these awesome entrepreneurical ideas.
First up, the reverse microwave.
Makes things colder!
So, a refrigerator?
Next! Know about fingerless gloves?
How about just fingers?
I call it Just Fingers.
Did you cut up my Isotoners?
Next, the front pack.
That's just a backpack you're wearing wrong.
Next! A house for birds.
Um, that kind of already exists.
Not like this.
Mine's for the upscale bird.
Okay, I'm shutting it down.
Everyone go home.
You know what else got shut down?
Sir Isaac Newton when he invented the apple.
That's enough!
You're studying for that test. End of story.
No! I'm not even gonna take the stupid PSAT or the real one.
Honey, we discussed this. Everyone takes that test.
What's the point? We all know I'm gonna blow it like I always do.
Barry, you're not gonna... No, I am!
All I have are dreams 'cause I suck at real life,
and I'm supposed to sit here and watch you leave me behind?
Have fun with your awesome dreams, without me in them.
ADULT ADAM: It was the morning of my big show,
and I was hoping my grand illusion
would impress my new Dana.
Oh, there you are. Perfect timing.
Yep. So happy I didn't cancel at the last minute.
(STAMMERS) Unless you want me to.
(CHUCKLES) You're funny.
ADULT ADAM: And even though the Amazing Beverly
had taken away my best tricks,
the Amazing Adam still had one more up his sleeve.
It's showtime. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, thanks.
(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)
Welcome, Joshua Feldstein and friends.
I'm the Amazing Adam.
Witness the impossible as I levitate.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
ALL: Whoa!
Yes.
Crap.
That is normal. It's a part of the trick.
I mean, magic.
I just need to re-levitate my foot.
Magic!
Hey!
ADULT ADAM: My act was a complete bust... (KIDS BOOING)
...but then something truly magical happened.
(BOOING CONTINUES)
And that, ladies and gentlemen,
is what we call classic misdirection!
And now, time for the real show.
Mom! You got my good tricks back.
Ta-da!
No time to talk. Knock 'em dead, love bug.
Hey, Ma.
You know, a real magician always needs an assistant.
Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
(THE CARS' MAGIC PLAYS)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
KIDS: Whoa.
ADULT ADAM: That's the thing about our parents.
At the end of the day, they're at your side...
He cut me in half, but I love him twice as much.
...whether you can admit you need them or not.
Your dopey friends said I'd find you here.
Just gonna sit like this all day?
More like the rest of my stupid life.
Everyone's moving on. Everybody but me.
Look...
I know I said that the only thing I care about is college,
but what I really care about is whether or not you're happy.
It's gonna be hard to be happy
when I'm stuck in this town 'cause I blew the test.
That's not true, Barry.
If you ask me, the way your brain works,
it's like no one else's.
Stop. I'm serious!
I've never met anyone who thinks the way you do.
I did come up with Just Fingers.
Trust me, I think you're gonna surprise everybody,
and mostly yourself if you'll just try!
¶ There's magic in your eyes
Thanks, Dad.
¶ I got a hold on you
Let's go home.
¶ Got a hold on you, I got a hold on you
ADULT ADAM: And even when you're at your lowest,
they push you to be more than you could ever dream of.
Check it out. Front pack.
Not bad, right?
You look injured. My spine hurts a little.
(SIGHS) I know I kind of freaked out.
It's just...
¶ Oh, oh, it's magic
...I don't want this to end.
Good. 'Cause no matter where I end up,
we'll always be together.
Yo, Tasty! Study group starts in five.
¶ Oh, oh, it's magic Study group? I'm impressed.
What can I say? I'm a torkulent guy.
That's not a word, sweetie.
Got a lot of work to do.
¶ I got a hold on you
¶ Oh, twisted
Thank you so much for coming.
¶ Under sideways down My brother loved it.
Thanks.
We should, um, like...
¶ I know you're getting twisted
...do it again sometime.
Like, a movie?
¶ And you can't calm down Oh.
Um... You know, I... I'm in ninth grade
and you're, like, in middle school.
So?
So, I'm just gonna give you the 10 bucks,
and thanks for coming, Alan.
¶ How far can you take it
¶ Till you realize
¶ I got a hold on you?
¶ Got a hold on you
Schmoo.
¶ Got a hold on you tonight
You okay?
¶ Got a hold on you Yeah. I'm fine.
¶ Got a hold on you
I'm not.
I really miss Dana.
¶ Oh, oh, it's magic I know.
We were so good together.
How will I ever find that again?
Trust me.
You will.
¶ Oh, oh, it's magic What makes you so sure?
If there's one thing the Amazing Adam's taught me,
there's plenty of magic in the world.
ADULT ADAM: When you're growing up,
you can't always avoid heartache.
Here, let me help you with that. (SNIFFLES)
¶ Oh, oh, it's magic But if you're lucky,
a little mom time can help you through it.
¶ It's magic And that's pure magic.
(LAUGHING) I... I couldn't resist.
¶ Oh, oh Oh, oh, it's magic
¶ Just a little... ¶
Now, here's our magic magician!
Gregarious.
Sociable.
Friendly.
Wow, are you still studying?
Even better.
According to science,
if I play this tape on a loop as I sleep,
my brain will sponge up all the information,
then, boom, my days are still free to be awesome.
Why can't you just do things like a normal person?
I guess I'm just a character.
(SIGHS)
See ya in the morning, knowledge.
VOICE ON TAPE: Intrepid, fearless.
Whoa! Wait.
Erica! Come quick!
I'm the smartest man in the world!
Ask me anything. What does gregarious mean?
To be like Greg.
Who's Greg? Ah, it didn't work.